Bonus Bill – Ep. #421

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

You're very kind.

Please.

Bill O'Reilly having a very rough week.

Are you fans of Bill O'Reilly?

Yeah, me too.

No, we learned this week that he has settled with five different women over sexual harassment suits.

And no one is more disgusted by it than Bill O'Reilly's priest.

Today he said, women?

Now Bill O'Reilly denies the allegations.

He says, I was just making sure their tits were fair and balanced.

That's all I was

accused of propositioning women and then haranguing them when they rebuffed him and retaliating or what Fox News calls employee outreach.

But I mean

so now the sponsors have all pulled out on Bill O'Reilly.

Over 50 sponsors, and all the car companies,

Heritage.com, everybody.

See Alice pulled out.

See Alice.

Their slogan is, will you be ready when the moment is right?

Which of course with Bill sounds more like a threat.

And of course it's ironic because this is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

So naturally, the pussy grabber in chief

defended Bill O'Reilly.

Did you see that, Trump?

A harasser defending a harasser, or what they call the thin, horny line.

Trump gave an interview to the New York Times yesterday.

They asked him about the allegations about Russia and all that.

And he said, fake news, fake news.

He said, I would never be involved in a suspicious cover-up.

And then he checked his hair.

So I,

we have it.

But no, he's got a new scapegoat.

He's blaming Susan Rice.

Susan Rice, who was Obama's national security advisor.

See, Trump is confused because she was the national security advisor.

She didn't have a truly important title like son-in-law.

You know, this.

Have you been watching this kid, this Jared Kushner kid?

I mean, he's the son-in-law, and apparently he had a big, big fight with Steve Bannon, who was the other guy who was apparently Trump's brain.

And Steve Bannon got removed from the National Security Council now.

And Kushner

was behind that, because apparently Kushner thinks Bannon brings out Trump's worst qualities, which raises the question: what are his good qualities?

And

when will we get to see one?

But

they did have one victory this week.

There's going to be a new Supreme Court justice as of tomorrow, Neil Gorsuch, because the Republicans in the Senate have deployed what they call the nuclear option,

which is, yes, which is they got rid of the filibuster.

And John McCain said yesterday, any senator who supports that is a stupid idiot.

And then today he voted for it.

So that's the McCain I know and the other McCain I know.

Trump,

As we speak now, Trump is meeting in Mar-a-Lago with the President of China, President Xi.

And Xi wants to talk about trade and Taiwan and North Korea.

And Trump wants to tell him what he saw last year on Fox News.

Yeah, I hope Xi likes the story about the guy who thought he could never get to 270 electoral votes and then got 306.

You know, there's some awkward cultural differences.

You know, China for a long time had the one-child policy.

And at one point, Ivanka came in the room, and Trump said, as he always does, if she wasn't my daughter, I'd date her.

And she said, if she was my daughter, I'd abort her.

So that was...

Cultural difference.

But, you know, it's a very tense meeting because during the campaign, Trump was always talking about China in the most derogatory terms.

He once made a speech where he said, motherfuckers, twice.

You motherfuckers in China.

Yes, that's our president.

You motherfucker.

So, you know, Trump is seen as a blustering asshole

who doesn't follow up, which is why his nickname in China is Orange Chicken.

Thank you very much.

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