Bonus Bill – Ep. #420

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Please.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Listen to this, what we found out this week.

Apparently, during the election, Russia hired a thousand hackers, a thousand hackers to sit in a building somewhere and create fake anti-Hillary Clinton news.

But come on, that assumes that the Republican base is so stupid and gullible.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Never mind.

So the latest member of the Trump Trump team to have previously undisclosed relations there with Russia is his son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Investigators say they're not going to just settle to find someone in the Trump administration with ties to America.

And Jared Kushner apparently met with shady head of Russian state bank people.

Or as Trump tweeted today, Obama touched me in my bathing suit area.

Yeah, this Jared Kushner, he keeps getting more jobs.

He's not so much a son-in-law as duct tape.

He can just do anything.

He's now head of the Office of American Innovation, which is going to tell us how we can run the government more like a business.

But since Trump's business is stealing, golfing, and tweeting crazy shit to get his name in the papers,

Mission accomplished, Jared.

I think we're already there.

And

when Jared goes to work this week, he'll see a friendly face, his wife.

That's right, the president just hired a new senior advisor, Ivanka Trump.

I don't know how he landed her.

I know she had offers from other superpowers.

Russia was giving out feelers, but

Trump is like Mitt Romney.

He's got binders full of daughters.

Not that she's not qualified.

She was a model.

She's got a shoe company, and she speaks a little Czech, in case we're on the brink of war with a country that no longer exists.

Yeah,

she has a shoe company.

Oh, and in 1997, she was number 83 on Maxim's Hot 100 list.

So the Republicans who are saying this is like when JFK hired his brother Bobby.

True.

If Bobby modeled a little and started a shoe company.

And of course, Ivanka's first day in the White House in her new office, a little awkward.

You don't know when the boss is making small talk whether he's really just checking you out.

But she's not taking a salary.

So we're supposed to think of this as charity work.

You know, some women volunteer at an Alzheimer's care facility.

She's volunteering at an Alzheimer's care facility.

But yes, the mental patient who's in charge of the world did some actual damage.

Did some actual damage this week.

He got rid of everything Obama was trying to do to solve the problem of climate change and global warming.

In fact, you cannot even in the White House anymore, I'm not making this up, use the words climate change.

And if the topic of emissions comes up, you're supposed to blame it on the dog.

Also, polar bears are not dying off.

They're just depressed because transgender people are using the bathroom.

Now, Pope Francis...

I'm not making this up either.

Pope Francis asked Trump to reconsider his stance on global warming.

He said it is not a hoax.

And that's coming from me, a guy who believes in bullshit for a living.

So, and also Scott Pruitt, he's the head of the EPA now who does not believe in climate change.

He denied the EPA's proposed ban on a pesticide that reduces brain function in children.

Well, it shouldn't be a big surprise.

Today's brain-damaged seven-year-old is tomorrow's member of the Freedom Caucus.

Now, when Trump ran, he always said he was doing it for the guy who was going to champion the little man.

Good news for the little man.

The House and Senate, the Republicans in both houses, voted to let your internet provider sell corporations your search history.

Isn't that great?

Oh, relax.

It should only concern the tiny sliver of you who look at porn.

Yeah, it turns out when Trump said, I am your voice,

the voice he was talking about was Verizon.

No,

they can do anything now.

I clicked on a story today about Eric and Don Trump Jr., and a pop-up ad from Massingill

appeared.

So

Chris Christie is in the news.

You remember Chris Christie,

Trump's fat friend, and

he has been asked to head a commission on opioids, and he said yes because he thought Trump said Oreos.

So he's going to head a new commission to combat drug addiction, and if there's one person out there in the world who should do this, it's the man who always knows how to say, show some self-restraint about what you put in your mouth.

No, it's an important issue because, you know, opioid abuse is ravaging the heartland, and Christie will battle anything that threatens our supply of corn syrup.

But they need a new drug message because every time they do the this is your brain on drugs, he eats the egg.

All right, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

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