Bonus Bill – Ep. #419

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Are you happy at least that it's spring?

That's a, yeah, spring,

the season when seeds take root and flowers bloom and Republicans try to take away your health care.

These are,

yeah, there's so much news.

So much crazy shit happened just in one week.

The Trump care.

You know, that's going down.

President is insane.

We had the Supreme Court hearings.

The Russians tried to rat fuck the election.

So anyway, as you know, the Republicans have been trying to repeal Obamacare for the longest time.

Now they're in office.

Now it looks like it may not happen because they have this thing called Trump care,

or as it's otherwise known, Black Lives Don't Matter.

And as of today, they pulled the vote because they do not have enough votes.

And Trump said, yeah, that never stopped me before.

No, Democrats are opposed to Trump care because it takes 24 million people's health care away.

And Republicans are opposed to it because it only takes 24 million

people's health care away.

See, Trump care, they're not really covering

as many people as they promised they would.

They're offering what they always talk about, access.

That's their big word, access.

It's available.

You just can't have it.

It's like oral sex with married people.

You know,

it's...

It's a real thing.

You're just not getting any.

So, yeah, so

all last night they pulled an all-nighter, the House Freedom Caucus.

that's the artist formerly known as the Tea Party.

These drooling idiots stayed up and they're working with Trump on this.

That's where America is.

We've gone from the founding fathers working with George Washington to the Freedom Caucus working with Donald Trump.

No wonder they don't believe in evolution.

Now the other big issue that they're involved in we all see this week Neil Gorsuch have you seen this guy?

He's the Supreme Court nominee.

Did you watch him?

Whoa.

I call him the human sweater vest.

This guy's like half Mr.

Rogers, half antimatter.

Just makes Mike Pence look like the Philly fanatic.

I'm saying this man is dull.

He's...

I heard today his hobby is fly fishing, which is...

That's what white people do when golf is too exciting.

Now this guy,

this is what happens when J.C.Penny goes belly up.

Their women shoe salesmen have to find other jobs.

You're right.

That was too far.

But Republicans love this guy.

I mean, love, love, love.

They love this guy.

You'd think he was a Bible with a gun scope.

They

love him

because he's one of those judges.

He interprets the Constitution as the framers intended when they wrote it 226 years ago,

which makes him an originalist.

That's one of those words that they love at Supreme Court hearings.

It means different things to different people.

It's like the word curvy on Tinder.

But Mr.

Gorsuch probably will be confirmed barring unforeseen circumstances like a virus that wipes out Episcopalians.

Other than that, I don't

So in other news, we are officially now a banana republic without the berets

because Ivanka Trump, the president's daughter, has been appointed to be his chief advisor, basically.

She's getting an office right next to him, getting security clearance.

She can see classified information.

As Steve Bannon said today, see, more proof Jews control everything.

But yeah,

it's going to be like take your daughter to work day if your daughter gets to weigh in on nuking North Korea.

And they said, what people say, what will Ivanka do?

Well, she will advise her father, she will act as a trusted confidant, and she will help him take off his spanks when he has to go potty.

She won't be officially working for the government.

She'll report directly to Putin.

CNN says people connected to Donald Trump and his campaign were in contact with the Russians and gave the thumbs up to release information to embarrass Hillary Clinton during the campaign.

Like Trump's hair, I can't even wrap my head around this.

And at the beginning of the week, we saw the FBI director James Comey testify: We are looking into this.

This is an ongoing investigation.

Today, Sarah Palin tweeted that it's time for Trump to get rid of Comey.

Hey, we don't need Sarah Palin's idiotic Twitter ramblings anymore.

We have Donald Trump now.

All right, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.