Bonus Bill – Ep. #417

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Okay, so are you newshounds?

Because there's a lot of news today.

You know, our new Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, you like this guy?

He's terrific, isn't he?

No, that was a joke.

He's an asshole.

Anyway,

he's in big trouble now because he said he had testified that he did not have any communications and hadn't met with the Russians.

And then it turned out he met with the Russian ambassador twice.

And our intelligence picked up communication between Russia and Trump associates inside the Kremlin.

Now in fairness, Trump always said that he loved campaigning in the Red States.

But of course these were just meetings, just meetings.

If they took place on a private email server, that would be bad.

But no, Sarah Palin said today that she's been watching Russia's house and she doesn't see anything going on.

So

well Trump gave his big boy address to Congress on Tuesday night, and he read it directly from the teleprompter, which apparently is no longer a sin now that the president is white.

And the media responded like proud parents of a toddler who finally learned to use his words.

Chris Cazilla of the Washington Post said, this is Trump at his absolute, very best.

A very nice note about our shared humanity.

Yeah, I think Chris also thinks the dancers at the strip clubs really like him.

No,

I hope the media never sits on Charles Manson's parole board.

Because apparently you can say crazy, dangerous shit your entire life and then just say one thing like it's time to come together and dream and they forget all about this wastiga on your forehead.

Now,

as for the contents of the speech itself, Trump said, we are living in environment, an environment of lawlessness and chaos.

But enough about my White House.

Trump said in this speech, a new national pride is sweeping across our nation.

Unfortunately, it's knocking over the graves in Jewish cemeteries, but it is sweeping across.

I know you haven't read about that either, but someone is what's going on, folks.

Someone has been knocking over tombstones in Jewish cemeteries and also phoning in bob threats to Jewish community centers.

And when Steve Bannon catches this guy, he's going to give him such a job.

Now, did you notice that at the big speech Tuesday night, all the Democratic women were white.

And not to be outdone, all the Republicans were white.

And Melania, Melania is wearing a $10,000 pantsuit from Michael Kors.

So at least someone in the White House is still supporting the gays.

All right, thank you very much.

We're going to go over here.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.