Bonus Bill (Originally aired 2/3/17)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

All right, how you doing?

Well,

okay, welcome to another edition of What the Fuck Did He Do Now?

That's what every week is here.

My writers can't keep up.

They're writing one premise.

Oh, we just declared war on Japan.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what Donald Trump did this week to keep Americans safe.

You saw this over the last weekend, a travel ban from Muslim countries where he does not do business.

No, but the whole ban thing was, it was horribly planned.

The border agents had no idea what to do or what was going on.

And that's Trump for you.

You know, all the bad parts of fascism without the efficiency.

So, okay, so that was like the weekend.

Then the week started with him hanging up on the Prime Minister of Australia.

How the fuck do you pick a fight with Australia?

But you know the difference between America and Australia, right?

When you flush our country down the toilet, it goes clockwise.

Trump is.

Okay, so then he gets on the phone with the president of Mexico and bitches him out.

And he said, we might have to send troops into Mexico because they've got some bad ombres down there.

And then when the White House was asked about this, they said they characterized it as light-hearted.

Light-hearted?

A light-hearted invasion of Mexico.

Remember when America was the stable country and Mexico was where you went to see a donkey show?

I mean, if Donald Trump were a new hire at J.C.

Penny's, they already would have had that.

I don't think this is working out for either one of us,

right?

Okay.

And we're only up to Tuesday.

Then it was time to pick the Supreme Court nominee, and Donald Trump made it like a reality show with finalists.

I'm not joking about this.

Well, Judge Neil Gorsuch got the rose.

Probably because something he said to Trump during their one-on-one date in the hot tub.

So it comes out today, this judge who they won on the Supreme Court,

that's all right,

in prep school, Judge Gorsh had started a fascism forever club.

That's not a joke.

I mean,

he really did it, is what I'm saying.

That's not a joke.

He thought it was a joke at the time, I hope.

But that's...

That's the thing about conservative humor.

The premise is always, what if I said exactly what I meant?

You know?

Which brings us to the National Prayer Breakfast, which happened today.

The National Prayer Breakfast, hosted by our new president, Donald Trump, which should tell you all you need to know about the fact that prayer doesn't work.

So this was the national, and it doesn't.

Now, on the bright side, having a crazy person as president forces you to look at things in a fresh light.

For example, I've discovered that Bloody Marys aren't just for the weekends.

Thank you very much, James.

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