Bonus Bill (Originally aired 1/27/17)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very

Thank you so much.

Oh, please.

Please.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

I don't know what to tell you, but welcome to another edition of Donald Trump WTF.

We made it through the first week, sort of.

But I'm going to come right out and say it here today.

I'm a little disappointed in how Mr.

Trump has been behaving.

I mean, this is not the way a man who has entered the World Wrestling Federation Hall of Fame should act.

Now, this will go down in history, if there's anything left of history,

as the week when America was introduced to the concept of alternative facts.

Our friend Kelly Ann Conway said this when she was asked asked about John Spicer, who is the press secretary now talking about the inauguration crowds, and he said, well, she said, you have your facts.

These are all alternative facts.

She came up with a way to say lie that is a lie.

It's like a hot dog where the bun is also made of hot dogs.

And

alternative facts seems to be anything the president believes.

On the one hand, we have observable reality.

On the other hand, your height and weight on okay Cupid.

Yeah.

Yeah, we used to call them fake facts, remember?

But fake facts are now alternative facts.

And soon, boob jobs are going to be called alternative tits.

But perhaps the most disturbing this week was they put a gag order on the EPA, NASA, and the Interior Department, forbids them to tweet or give interviews about climate science.

They don't want their fact facts getting mixed up with the alternative facts.

Yeah.

And also in the disturbing category, it came out from the White House, many people were leaking this, that Donald Trump is already bored.

He's bored, and in meetings he starts watching TV.

I mean, we've had presidents who are not great.

We've had presidents who are great.

We've never had one who goes, there's nothing to do.

And yet, amid all this,

high popularity ratings, America, I was right all along, a stupid fucking country.

And the proof is they like Donald Trump and the Dow Jones over 20,000 for the first time.

The market loves it.

I'm going to do well in this economy because I created a small business that's doing very well.

I'm installing panic rooms.

And thank you.

I have a waiting list of many millions of people.

Bill Maher Panic Rooms, because you can't run from Trump, but you can hide.

All right, thank you very much.

Sounds like a great audience.

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