Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/11/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

How you doing?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Wow, what a crowd.

Yeah, yes, yes.

Wow, it's a very good mood.

You know, when people used to say anything is possible in America, I used to think that was a good thing.

Not so much everywhere.

Anyway, if you haven't seen George Lopez in concert yet, hurry.

America will be changing.

That massive clicking sound you hear is cops all over the country turning off their body cameras.

Well, I tried.

And I did.

That guy fought a vicious, vulgar campaign, and I gave it right back.

But we lost.

We lost.

You got to own that.

America as a whole looked at a narcissistic billionaire with an obsession for vendettas and said, you know what, this guy needs more power.

I mean, even they were shocked.

Even the Republicans, even his own team.

Chris Christie said, you could knock me over with a Zamboni.

But he's something.

It just shows how far you can get in America with a dream, tens of billions of dollars,

and

an organized plan to keep poor people from voting.

Yeah.

No, apparently

Hillary just could never shake that reputation as an insider.

And when I say insider, I mean woman.

Of course,

Trump prevailed using the accounting system designed by rich white men who had slaves.

What a coincidence.

But, you know, he gave a gracious acceptance speech.

He said about Hillary, he said, we owe her a debt of gratitude for her service to the country.

And for that, I'm going to knock six months off her jail term.

What do you think about that?

Now, this is definitely the end of the Clinton dynasty as we know it.

And I would like to say to them, we owe you guys guys a debt of gratitude for decades of service and now we never want to see you again

Hillary said her biggest regret was not communicating her vision to the working class people yeah if they had just paid her $250,000 speaking fee

she could have but

Yeah,

probably well as of now 200,000 but maybe over a million people will have more people will have voted for Hillary

and the future of this country.

All I got to say to my Latino friends, keep making babies.

We are counting on your hot-blooded passion to save this country.

No, actually,

actually, not so much.

One out of three Latinos voted for Donald Trump.

I guess those are the ones who assumed were good people.

A lot said it was because of their Catholic values, but most just said, I don't want a lady in a pantsuit telling me what to do.

I get that at work.

Remember, only like a week ago, everybody was talking about, can the Republican Party survive?

What's going to happen to them?

What happened is they control everything now.

Not just the presidency.

the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court.

I mean, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, please

Eat well.

I have a question for scientists.

Can we extract someone's brain and just hook it up to a machine?

There's nothing in the Constitution that says a Supreme Court justice has to have a body.

Screw self-driving cars.

Let's get Google working on that.

But

it's happening.

Somebody today asked Donald Trump about his transition team, and he said, yeah, I already put in a call to Caitlin Jenner.

He doesn't know government that well.

But no, he met with President Obama at the White House.

I'm sorry, I mean the Gold House at Trump Plaza.

Yes, orange is the new black, folks.

Amazingly, how prophetic that was.

And the meeting between the two men went well.

Obama likes giving tours, and Trump likes kicking black people out of housing.

So it's

all

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