Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/04/16)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

All right.

Well, are you nervous?

It's four days before the election.

Everyone wants to know who is James Comey going to pick?

Now, for those of you who think that Trump winning could never happen, I have two words for you: Chicago Cups.

And

for those who think Americans won't make a catastrophically stupid presidential choice when things are good, I have two words and one letter for you.

George W.

Bush.

I mean,

I don't know whether the Cubs winning is like a good omen for Hillary.

Or a good omen for Trump.

What I do know is they both ran ads during the World Series last night.

Did you see that?

Trump's ad was so stupid.

He said, we need a wall to stop Latinos from stealing bases.

I mean.

And

do we have Chicago people here today?

Are you the Chicago people?

Right.

Okay.

Well, Chicago went crazy last night.

People in the streets screaming, shooting guns in the air.

Then the game started.

Oh, I kid Chicago.

No, how about those cubs?

They were down three to one, and they came back to win the whole thing.

I tell you, between what's going on at that North Dakota pipeline and the game last night, tough week to be an Indian.

Just to...

So.

I didn't steal their land.

What do you...

But, no, everything comes back to the election.

I mean, liberals, do your yoga breathing.

It's always nerve-wracking before Election Day, or as black folks call it, stand in line only to find out you don't have a proper ID day.

No, you better vote.

You better vote.

Or else next year this show will be called Real Time with Scott Bayo.

What's so scary is that James Comey's October October surprise is hurting Hillary in the polls.

Likely voters get this, say they trust Trump more than Hillary by eight points.

It's like trusting the dummy more than the ventriloquist.

And

President Obama criticized Comey yesterday, not by name, but he said, we don't operate on leaks.

Ah, really?

I was watching CNN today.

The graphic said, breaking innuendo.

No, the FBI, a lot of people think the FBI is meddling in our elections.

And the Russians today said, hey, that's our job.

Back off.

And

not just the FBI, but the WikiLeaks.

Julian Assange said, listen to it, Julian Assange said today, the leaks aren't coming from Russia.

He said it on Russian TV.

He said it on their popular morning show, Good Riddance America.

And then Putin came out, they did a cooking segment where they poisoned the soup.

But I tell you,

yeah, if Trump wins this election, I am personally going to kill Anthony Weiner.

Billy Bush and Anthony Weiner.

Weiner and Bush.

That's this election.

And the only way you'll be able to sext Anthony Weiner is by seance.

That's.

I'm going to fucking kill him.

But

no, if only Weiner had been sexting with a Samsung, the evidence would have destroyed itself.

Now, I don't know if you heard this, but Anthony Weiner yesterday went into sex rehab.

He's in rehab.

Yep.

He's He's got a monkey on his back and he's going to try to stop spanking it.

Oh yeah.

That's

sex addiction, sex addiction rehab.

There's actually such a thing.

The first 24 hours they say are the hardest.

Your texting thumbs are shaking uncontrollably.

And then they go into group therapy, where everyone tells horror stories about the time they were about to have an orgasm and the internet went down.

Terrible.

I cannot digest that Donald Trump is actually one of our choices.

It's like keeping plutonium in the refrigerator.

I might never drink it by mistake, but why take the chance?

I mean, this is a man who is not morally qualified to cat sit.

I mean, if you went on vacation and you asked Donald Trump to pick up your mail,

he'd come back, your house would be foreclosed, the lawn would be scorched, and he'd be grabbing the mailman's ass.

I mean, it's...

You know,

he got an endorsement this week from the Ku Kucks Klan.

Yes.

Well,

the KKK and the FBI have both now endorsed Donald Trump.

But the Klan's affairs.

Donald Trump has gotten three newspaper endorsements.

Every other newspaper in America, even the conservative ones, are for Hillary.

Trump has Sheldon Adelson's newspaper in Nevada, owned by that asshole billionaire, the National Enquirer,

and the Klan's official newspaper.

Yes, the Klan has a newspaper.

The paperboy leaves it on your lawn on fire.

It's like any other newspaper, except instead of Mondays, Garfield hates black people.

And it's not just the Klan who Trump has on his side.

Militia groups, you know, those militia groups, they say they're going to take action if Trump doesn't win.

Hey, assholes, better watch what you wish for.

If Trump ever really did bring your jobs back, then you wouldn't have time to jerk off into your guns and wander around in the woods.

All right.

Thank you very much for coming.

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