Bonus Bill (Originally aired 09/16/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Start the clock.

Thank you so much.

Great to be back.

Thank you.

Look at that.

I know

we've been off on our little summer vacation, but I'm back.

And you know who else is back today?

Hillary Clinton is back out there on the trail.

Yes, new and improved Hillary.

The headphone jack is gone.

Does she look good today?

I mean, if you can recover from pneumonia in two days, that's not too bad.

But I mean, some of that cell phone video of her stumbling, getting into the van,

that was scary.

She almost fell to her knees.

Something Bill hasn't seen in decades.

And

of course, the Clintons, being Clintons, didn't make it any better by constantly changing their story.

First, she was just overheated, right?

Then she was dehydrated.

Then we find out she had pneumonia.

And now, today they say that taking the knee was just a tribute to Colin Kaepernick.

What?

Fine, man.

Now, this is my favorite part of the story.

When Hillary has been in bed the last few days, she had her surrogates go out there, mostly her husband.

Bill Clinton stood in for her a number of places, but Politico was reporting that Hillary didn't ask Bill to do that.

They're saying Hillary's assistant asked Bill's assistant.

This is the secret to a successful marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll have my people wish your people happy anniversary.

Yeah.

So,

yes, now Donald tried appealing to women this week by unveiling a plan.

Did you see this to provide maternity maternity leave and child care, which he says we're going to need after he deports all the nannies?

And

have you been reading Colin Powell's emails?

Colin Powell got hacked.

He says he's not really thrilled about voting for Hillary either because her husband is, quote, still dicking bimbos.

Still dicking bimbos.

If that's not already a Kanye song, it will be soon.

All right, thank you very much.

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