Bonus Bill (Originally aired 06/24/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Kind of evasion you usually get when you beat cancer or something.

Well, thank you.

Why can't we get these people there on Friday?

Stay there.

Stay, just sit in like Congress.

Just sit in.

You heard about that shit?

Yeah, the Congress, they had a sit-in for gun control, you know, trying to get gun control.

It was adorable.

Sit-ins are not the way to get anything done.

Drum circles, people.

That's how you get things done.

Drum circles.

At one point, Elizabeth Warren came over from the Senate and brought Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm not kidding.

Just the way her ancestors brought food to the pilgrims

for the first Thanksgiving, you know, because she's an Indian.

Anyway,

no, Republicans were scornful of the sit-in.

They said they said it was meaningless and an empty gesture.

Kind of like after a shooting when they say, we're sending out our thoughts and prayers.

No, but to get Republicans to care, you know, about, they framed it wrong, human life, they don't give a shit about that.

They should have focused on the part that republicans do care about when the killer forced a gay man uh into the wrong bathroom that's

that's

so anyway that they sat there for a full day and then paul ryan republican leader paul ryan came in and sent everybody home for the fourth of july He said, you can't just sit there and stop us from doing nothing.

We're going on vacation.

So

that's it.

We've got three branches of government in this country: the executive, judicial, and Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

But you know, sit-ins, the spirit of the 60s, was all over.

In fact, it was even infecting the Trump supporters.

Today they sang, we shall overcome.

Oh, yes, Donald Trump had a big week, as he does every week, dominating the news.

He gave his big spill the beans speech.

He's been prophesying, gonna spill the beans on Hillary, and he read it from a teleprompter, ooh,

just like he did when he fired Brett Michaels.

But the spill the beans speech had no new information.

Ironically, for a guy who hates Mexicans, it was refried beans.

You said Hillary was the most corrupt person ever, okay.

And then Hillary responded, she said it was outlandish.

Outlandish.

This is something you say when the three stewards ruin your flower show.

Outlandish.

Hillary, let me help you out, honey.

The words you're looking for are whiny little bitch.

Okay, that's...

We also learned this week that Donald Trump's campaign doesn't have any money.

No money.

Fortunately for Trump, he knows someone who is loaded and desperately wants him to stay in the race.

Hillary Clinton.

No, so because they're broke, Trump is now ramping up his fundraising effort.

And I keep thinking, who is dumb enough?

to donate to a campaign whose chief selling point is that it is self-funded.

Oh, that's right.

His supporters.

That's who's jumping up.

And

speaking of Donald Trump supporters, he met today with evangelicals.

He likes the evangelicals because they're already prone to buying into bullshit.

Yes, it.

It was built as a chance for the evangelicals to understand Donald Trump.

That should tell you something right there.

You know, these people are thinking, let's see, talking snake, sure.

Virgin birth, walk on water, yeah.

Two of every species, get them to fuck on a boat, good.

But Trump is president?

I don't know if I could go there.

That's a little out there.

And you know, Donald Trump says he relates to Jesus Christ because here's another guy who'd be nowhere without his daddy.

You know where Trump went today?

Scotland.

He's in Scotland opening one of his golf courses.

He was greeted there by Pipers.

True.

They said they feel a kinship with Donald Trump because he's also a giant bag of wind.

And you get this.

Donald Trump going to Scotland, opened one of his golf courses.

The trip is being paid for by the campaign.

That's fucking broke.

Paid for by the campaign.

They're calling it a foreign policy trip.

So to recap, to recap for you, on Wednesday, Donald Trump makes a big speech, says Hillary is the most corrupt president we've ever, for president, running president, we've ever had.

Thursday, he uses campaign donations to promote his own golf courses.

He may have tiny little fingers, but his balls are big.

I gotta tell you,

his balls are enormous.

So,

but you know, the Democrats, they keep making it easy for them.

Our Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, said today, our most effective response to terror is compassion, unity, and love.

But we're Americans, so we're going to stick to the drone strikes.

And I kind of buried the lead here.

There was actual big news today.

Any illegals here?

Supreme Court, not good good for the illegals today.

Now, Obama, a few months ago, or a couple of years ago, actually, issued an executive order saying 4 million illegals could stay in this country.

Well, Supreme Court today said, no, that is not going to work.

I don't want to live in a country where the only path to citizenship for Hispanics is having your mom get knocked up by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Okay, thank you very much.

We're going to go and do some new rules.

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