Bonus Bill (Originally aired 06/03/16)

Speaker 1 Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Speaker 1 Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Speaker 1 Thank you, everybody.

Speaker 1 Oh, stop it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
You're very kind. Look at all these.

Speaker 2 Well, I tell you, the gloves are off in the presidential race. Did you see this week? Hillary and Trump are going at it.
He had to face two scandals

Speaker 2 this week, and this was the first of them. He had to explain the time.
Remember the time it was about four months ago when he was dodging a debate because his nemesis, Megan Kelly, was hosting it.

Speaker 2 So he he said, No, I have an event for the veterans, you know. And he falsely claimed that he raised $6 million,

Speaker 2 which he didn't give that money to them until the Washington Post called him on it. And the media spent last year,

Speaker 2 he said, the problem is the media has spent the whole last year being trivial lap dogs who don't do any real journalism. And it's not fair to start now.

Speaker 2 I mean, just imagine for one second if there was documented proof that Hillary Clinton promised to donate money to veterans and then did not and then lied about it.

Speaker 2 She would be out of the race tomorrow. Why are there two sets of rules about this?

Speaker 2 If Hillary Clinton did that, she would be so desperate for a distraction, her next call would be, hello, Monica Lewinsky.

Speaker 2 I know this is awkward, but could you blow my husband again?

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 Trump took 12 minutes out of a speech to go after a federal judge who was overseeing a pair of lawsuits about Trump University,

Speaker 2 just like Lincoln would do. That's so presidential.
And what happened this week is they unsealed some of the documents about Trump University.

Speaker 2 They have former people who worked at Trump University who went on record saying it's a lie, it's a scheme, it's designed to fool stupid people with false promises.

Speaker 2 What Republicans normally call a campaign strategy.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like there's nothing that would make Republicans abandon Donald Trump at this point. He could announce tomorrow that his running mate is Bill Cosby.

Speaker 2 And they would just say, see, he's not a racist. We told you that.

Speaker 2 But it's very exciting on the Democratic side. This race between Bernie and Hillary in California, so close.

Speaker 2 The margin is so thin. You know how thin this is? If it was any thinner, it would deny that it has an eating disorder

Speaker 2 and take a selfie where it pretends to eat a cheeseburger. That's how thin

Speaker 2 the.

Speaker 2 But I predict the result here in California will be the same as the last dozen primaries. Bernie will win, and that will prove that Hillary is inevitable.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bernie, did you see him? He was at the Warriors playoff game the other night. They treated him like a god.
A little awkward at the end, though. He insisted that the team split the points evenly.

Speaker 2 That, I thought, was a little awkward.

Speaker 2 But Hillary Clinton made a great speech today. I thought this is her finest day on the campaign, and she's out here campaigning hard.

Speaker 2 Last night, she met with community leaders at a Mexican restaurant. I don't know if she's learned her lesson, though.
She insisted on a private server.

Speaker 2 All right, well, thank you very much for coming. I appreciate it.

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