Bonus Bill (Originally aired 06/03/16)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Thank you, everybody.

Oh, stop it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're very kind.

Look at all these.

Well, I tell you, the gloves are off in the presidential race.

Did you see this week?

Hillary and Trump are going at it.

He had to face two scandals

this week, and this was the first of them.

He had to explain the time.

Remember the time it was about four months ago when he was dodging a debate because his nemesis, Megan Kelly, was hosting it.

So he he said, No, I have an event for the veterans, you know.

And he falsely claimed that he raised $6 million,

which he didn't give that money to them until the Washington Post called him on it.

And the media spent last year,

he said, the problem is the media has spent the whole last year being trivial lap dogs who don't do any real journalism.

And it's not fair to start now.

I mean, just imagine for one second if there was documented proof that Hillary Clinton promised to donate money to veterans and then did not and then lied about it.

She would be out of the race tomorrow.

Why are there two sets of rules about this?

If Hillary Clinton did that, she would be so desperate for a distraction, her next call would be, hello, Monica Lewinsky.

I know this is awkward, but could you blow my husband again?

And then

Trump took 12 minutes out of a speech to go after a federal judge who was overseeing a pair of lawsuits about Trump University,

just like Lincoln would do.

That's so presidential.

And what happened this week is they unsealed some of the documents about Trump University.

They have former people who worked at Trump University who went on record saying it's a lie, it's a scheme, it's designed to fool stupid people with false promises.

What Republicans normally call a campaign strategy.

But,

I mean, it's like there's nothing that would make Republicans abandon Donald Trump at this point.

He could announce tomorrow that his running mate is Bill Cosby.

And they would just say, see, he's not a racist.

We told you that.

But it's very exciting on the Democratic side.

This race between Bernie and Hillary in California, so close.

The margin is so thin.

You know how thin this is?

If it was any thinner, it would deny that it has an eating disorder

and take a selfie where it pretends to eat a cheeseburger.

That's how thin

the.

But I predict the result here in California will be the same as the last dozen primaries.

Bernie will win, and that will prove that Hillary is inevitable.

Yeah, Bernie, did you see him?

He was at the Warriors playoff game the other night.

They treated him like a god.

A little awkward at the end, though.

He insisted that the team split the points evenly.

That, I thought, was a little awkward.

But Hillary Clinton made a great speech today.

I thought this is her finest day on the campaign, and she's out here campaigning hard.

Last night, she met with community leaders at a Mexican restaurant.

I don't know if she's learned her lesson, though.

She insisted on a private server.

All right, well, thank you very much for coming.

I appreciate it.

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