Bonus Bill (Originally aired 05/13/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

What a crowd.

Very proud, huh?

Good boy.

Wow.

Okay.

Exciting news.

Donald Trump has pulled even in the polls with Hillary Clinton already.

And in the Reuters poll, Hillary has 41%, Trump has 40%.

And the margin of error, they say, is too depressing to calculate.

What happened to the Never Trump movement?

A week ago, they were all never Trump.

And now they're like, oh, no, forever Trump.

You misheard me.

I said, forever Trump.

And all these Republican leaders who have done nothing but say the worst things about Donald Trump.

Bobby Jindal said he's an egomaniac with no principles.

He's on board.

On board, and I'm for him.

Rick Perry says he's ignorant and betrays the principles of Christ.

Wow, I thought Rick Perry had a hard enough time speaking out of one side of his mouth.

I think it's

very ironic, the only Republican who refuses to bend over and just take it, Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham, the gay Republican.

Never mind.

And Paul Ryan, the head Republican, the top dog,

the Speaker of the House, he said last week he kind of wanted to endorse Donald Trump, but he said, I'm just, I'm not there yet.

I just can't do it.

Well, he did some soul searching and he found out, nope, doesn't have one.

And so he

Paul Ryan and Donald Trump had a big meeting today in Washington to discuss Republican principles.

Paul Ryan, this guy, Wisconsin's favorite son, Paul Ryan, you remember he was Mitt Romney's vice president, but at first he did not want to be vice president.

No way, then he became vice president, the candidate.

And then Speaker of the House, no, I'm never going to take that job, became Speaker of the House.

Then he was never going to endorse Trump.

Now he's going to endorse Trump.

He's like the the girl in high school who plays hard to get and then blows the whole football team.

But I mean, this idea that Donald Trump has principles to begin with, Donald Trump has flip-flopped already in every position he's ever taken, and he only started six months ago.

Did you hear his new one about abortion?

Abortion only in cases of rape, incest, and when the woman doesn't want to have a baby.

Other than that, he is against it.

Last week, he said we should consider defaulting on our debt, which is insane.

And a couple of days ago, he said, oh, no, what I meant to say is we could never default because we could just print money.

Today, Harriet Tubman said, you know what, I'm fine.

Keep me off the 20.

I don't know what they do with your money.

And his other big thing that got all his fans all,

you know, with their testosterone up, his ban on Muslims, now he says, just a suggestion.

Just a suggestion until we figure out what's going on.

Okay, until Donald Trump figures out what's going on.

So in other words, forever.

What is

just?

It's now just a suggestion.

We're going to put up a sign at the airport.

Attention, Muslims.

We really wish you'd reconsider.

I'm telling you, if Trump is elected, the problem won't be Muslims not wanting to come here.

No one will want to come here.

So this.

So

meanwhile, the search for Donald Trump's vice president continues.

And you know who's in charge of the search for vice president?

Yes, Dr.

Ben Carson, gentle Ben, Dr.

Ben Carson.

And Dr.

Ben Carson is going very well.

He's already met dozens of candidates who's answered his ad on Craig List.

And the qualifications to be Donald Trump's vice president.

Two questions are very important that Donald Trump wants answered.

One, if something were to happen to me, could they step in and do the job that I have no idea how to do?

And two, have they ever made fun of my hands?

Because that's

very big with Donald Trump.

He cannot.

And

but here's the story that conservatives are really crazy about to Conservatives are crazy over a report that says Facebook manipulates their news feed to

favor liberal issues.

And Republicans think that is wrong, that a private corporation should have an ideological agenda, and then they tuned into Fox to find out more about it.

All right, thank you very much.

Okay.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Ma every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.