Bonus Bill (Originally aired 05/06/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Wow, it's a real, it's a Cinco de Mayo crowd, isn't it?

Cinco, you celebrating Cinco de Mayo?

As if Republicans need another reason to drink.

That's right.

Donald Trump is now the nominee, the official.

Isn't that amazing?

No, they said it couldn't happen, and now it happened.

In less than a year, Donald Trump could be in charge of the nuclear codes.

They say if you live long enough, you see everything.

It's more like if you live long enough, there won't be anything left to see.

I mean,

Ted Cruz, of course, was the last one standing.

He dropped out on Tuesday night.

He said, it's morning in America.

I've got to get back into my coffin.

I mean, there were 17 fucking people in this race.

If only one one of them could have been a human being.

Right?

Ted Cruz's.

Ted Cruz's father said it was the Lord.

That's who called him to do this.

He said they prayed on it for two hours, and then the Holy Spirit descended upon Ted, who said, use me.

Also, John Kasich, who dropped out yesterday, he said, the Lord has a purpose for me.

Clearly, it's not to be president.

So if you're keeping score, the Lord is 0 for 2.

Oh, it's true.

Cruz asked the Lord, Kasich asked the Lord.

They shouldn't ask the Lord.

Ask a pollster, guys.

You know when something is a bad idea, when the only person who supports you is invisible.

You know who refuses to support Donald Trump?

George W.

Bush.

Because when your greatest achievement was being the worst president ever, you hate to see it threatened like that.

All right, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.