Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/29/16)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

What a crowd.

What a crowd.

How are they?

Awesome.

Well, there's, of course, a lot of big news going on.

I guess you saw there was a big primary, five big primaries on Tuesday, and now it looks pretty sure that it's going to be Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump for the presidency at the big finale of our game show.

And

yeah,

there was five Northeast states, my neck of the woods.

Trump not only killed in the general vote, like 29%, it was the average he won in most places, but he also, for the first time, this is said, won with well-educated voters despite his best efforts.

I mean, this just proves, even when you get to the more educated states, Republicans in those states are still quite stupid.

Trump at his victory rally on Tuesday night was talking about how people were saying in the past that, you know, he is is moderating his campaign and there were

people around him who was controlling him.

He said, not true.

He said, I am me.

And then revealed his new campaign slogan, yes me can.

I am me?

I am me.

Even Milani was like, your English no too good, Daddy.

So the Stop Trump Alliance looks like it's on its last breath.

They tried, the two other guys in the race, Kasich

and Ted Cruz, formed an alliance, just like on a reality show.

They did.

They formed an alliance this week, and this is a pivotal moment for John Kasich because he needs more delegates to be viable at the convention.

And it's also pivotal for Ted Cruz because this is the closest he's ever come to having a friend.

Cruz finished last, so of course he picked his running mate.

It was Carly Fiorina, so watch out, Trump, the man who nobody likes, just added the woman nobody voted for.

Yeah.

Carly Fiorina,

wow, that's like taking your sister to the prom

if your sister is Carrie.

But people were asking, why is this even happening?

They made a big event of it, you know, and he announces her, and Carly comes on the stage and accepts it.

It was like two toddlers pretending to have a tea party.

But Ted Cruz said he chose Carly after a great deal of consideration and prayer.

And God released a

press release today.

He said, you losers, leave me out of this.

And this is, I mean,

we have certainly had our fun with Ted Cruz and how unpopular he is, but this takes the cake.

John Boehner, remember him?

Yesterday he was speaking at Stanford, I think it was, and he said, quote, he said, Ted Cruz is Lucifer in the flesh.

He said, I've worked with a lot of people.

I get along with everybody.

He said, I have never worked with the more miserable son of a bitch in my whole life.

And Ted Cruz said, so you don't want to be Secretary of State?

Never worked with the more miserable son of a bitch in my whole life?

And that is saying something from a guy who worked with Dennis Hastert.

Remember him?

The guy who sat in the lazy boy chair and watched teenagers in the shower.

I don't know if you remember Dennis Haster, but he was the Speaker of the House in the 90s.

At the time of 9-11, he was second in line for the throne.

He admitted yesterday to being a serial child molester.

In his defense, he did always use the correct bathroom

when he went out in public.

Yeah.

But the other big story, of course, is Trump accused Hillary of playing the woman card.

You know that card women always play by being born female.

Yeah, women, women, they have been so easy in politics as opposed to white men born into great wealth who just can't catch a break.

Yeah, there's absolutely no self-awareness with Donald Trump.

If he were black or a woman, he would have been thrown out of the race six months ago.

In fact, if he were a woman, he'd be Carly Fiorina.

And then Donald Trump, yesterday, he gave a big boy speech on foreign policy.

Wow, he used a teleprompter and everything.

See, Trump normally uses a teleprompter as little as possible.

He does not want to alienate his base by reading.

And of course, the theme of his speech was America First.

He has no idea what that means, but he knows it fits on a hat.

That's all that matters.

No, America First actually was an isolationist group in the 1940s who sided with Hitler.

I'm sure Trump didn't know that.

It's just a happy coincidence.

You've heard of the accidental tourist?

He's the accidental fascist.

But he said his big theme was, America needs to be more unpredictable.

Can't know what we're doing.

That's right.

That's how he wants the world to see us, like the lunatic kid on the playground who nobody messes with because he might actually bite you.

And in his

great foreign policy speech showing how much he knew about foreign policy, he mispronounced the country of Tanzania.

He said it was Tanzania.

Has me even more thinking about moving to Canada.

But he does have foreign policy experience.

You've got to give Donald Trump that.

He has golf courses in Ireland.

His neckties are made in China.

And of course his wives are imported from Eastern Europe.

All right.

Thank you very much.

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