Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/22/16)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Oh, look at this welcome.

Thank you, folks.

How are you?

Okay, thank you.

Wow.

Okay, all right.

We got a lot to

thank you for a lot to cover.

Thank you for being in a good mood.

There is some good news for feminists, some good news for minority rights, because we are putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill.

Did you hear that?

Now, of course, you understand most Americans have no idea who Harriet Tubman is.

They're going to look at it and go, why is Weezy Jefferson on the 20 now?

No, Harriet Tubman.

Harriet Tubman was a former slave who helped other slaves escape on the Underground Railroad, which was like the 19th century version of economy class and delta.

Anyway, yeah, Donald Trump had another one of those weeks where he said so many stupid things.

Did you see this?

He kept calling 9-11-7-11.

He did, this guy does not know a lot about history.

And then people came down on him for doing that.

He said, hey, chill out.

Quit treating me like I'm Alan Hitler.

Yeah, President Obama on a big important trip overseas.

He was in Saudi Arabia the last two days.

That did not go well.

A lot of tensions between those two countries.

They do not like what he has been saying about them because he's been saying the truth, and they don't like it.

The king of Saudi Arabia has a lot of complaints about Obama.

There's the 9-11 lawsuit that some people want to see go through, the price of oil.

They're not happy about that.

And he also said to Obama, you never hold hands like George Bush used to.

Remember, they used to hold hands.

And when they do, it's kind of a dead fish.

You know, he'll do it.

Now, yesterday, how many celebrated 420?

That was a, that is become, let me tell you,

that is becoming a real holiday in America.

There were events all over the country.

There were smokeouts in Golden State Park in Denver.

There was a concert with Snoop Dogg.

In Washington, D.C., my friend Woody Harrelson laid a

laid a cush wreath on the tomb of the unknown stoner.

It was

very...

And

just in time for some good news from our friends up north in Canada.

Canada apparently is going to legalize weed in 2017.

Isn't that something?

They already have a new slogan.

It says, come to the weed.

Stay because Trump might be elected president.

That's their.

Well, you got to give it to Donald Trump.

The New York primary was Tuesday, and he won big.

I hope it doesn't go to his head.

To see him looking like an egomaniac.

No, and he killed his big rival, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz came in third.

That's got to hurt.

And Ted Cruz, this was his line after he'd lost so bad.

He said, I'm making this up.

He said, America is best when she's lying down with her back on the mat.

And Bill Cosby said, why you got to bring me into this?

Thank you.

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