Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/15/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

How are you doing?

Thank you very much.

Oh, what a crowd.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Donald Trump.

He's such a scamp, isn't he?

He made up with Megan Kelly last night.

Did you see that?

She went over to Trump.

Yeah, she went over to Trump Tower, and I guess they smoked the peace pipe.

But this is how upside down I think America is.

How come you have Donald Trump sitting there with Megan Kelly?

It seems to me that the knowledgeable, attractive, smart person should be running for president.

And the racist blowhard with the plastic hair who knows nothing should have a show on Fox.

Now, of course, it's all about New York.

Now, the New York primary is on Tuesday.

And apparently, listen to this, Trump's two kids, Ivanka and his douchebag son, Eric,

they didn't register, so they're not allowed to vote.

And you know, everybody says the Trumps are so smart.

Really?

They didn't even register?

I mean, come on, when Kim Kardashian posts a new picture of her ass, Chloe knows how to click like,

you know?

And

there are now, I think, five states that are talking about bathroom laws, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia, are all considering legislation about public bathrooms where,

if you want to go to the bathroom, it has to correspond to the gender you were born with, because this is a giant problem.

But North Carolina is losing a lot of business.

Bruce Springsteen canceled a concert there, Ringo Starr, Sharon Stone's not going to do a movie there.

There's a porn site called X Hamster.

You know this?

Okay.

Well, they're on the page here.

They blocked their users in North Carolina from using the porn site.

Wow, that's a switch.

The people watching the porn getting spanked.

And listen to this.

Hillary Clinton yesterday proposed a program to end exposure to lead poisoning

within five years.

And Republicans are already against it.

They said if our children are not exposed while their brains are still developing to lead, where will we get our next generation of Republican leaders?

Oh, now a little bit of a controversy there with Hillary this week.

She was doing a skit in New York.

Did you see this with Mayor Bill de Blasio?

And one of the lines in the skit, because Bill de Blasio was kind of late in endorsing her, he said he was on CPT,

which people, I guess white people don't know, that stands for Colored People's Time.

It's an old theater saying.

It's a, you know, it is a racial dig.

It's a stereotype.

Okay.

So they're all mad at Hillary.

But then there was a punchline to it.

She says, you know, CPT.

She said, oh, you mean cautious politician time.

So there really wasn't any insult anyway, but they came after Hillary.

It's a terrible stereotype.

And Hillary, she did not make it better.

She said, don't shout at me like I'm a movie screen.

Because blacks yell at the movie screen.

Hello.

What the fuck is going on here?

Everyone is too sensitive these days.

And Bernie had some trouble.

He had a big rally.

27,000 people yesterday were in Washington Square.

But a Bernie supporter was speaking before Bernie came on, and he called out Democrats for being corporate whores.

And Bernie had to apologize to whores.

But no, Bernie, Bernie walks the walk.

He was out there with the Verizon strikers.

See, that Verizon went on strike, 36,000 Verizon workers on strike.

They say service is so bad, it's almost like they're not on strike.

Yeah, they, I mean, they tried to negotiate with the union, but it's Verizon, so they weren't hearing each other.

So,

Verizon.

Well,

so now, please.

They yell at the movie screen.

It's a famous old.

So, tomorrow is tax day.

I love tax day.

I love spending hours figuring out how much of my money to send the government.

Make me do the work.

It's like not only is your father going to beat you, but get out in the woods woods and break off your own stick.

Because child beating is funny, too.

And Donald Trump does not pay a lot of taxes.

This year he declared CNN a dependent.

And did anyone see Bono testifying before Congress the other day?

Oh my gosh.

Bono said the way to defeat ISIS is to send comedians.

I'm not joking.

He said send Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Sasha Baron Cohen.

Good, send them.

Yeah, that's the way to defeat ISIS.

Send comedians.

Well, Carrot Top went last year.

Actually, now he's known as Carrot Neck.

Fucking cut off.

Really?

Are we defending ISIS?

No, no.

ISIS does much better with their own comedians, like Larry the Sabre guy.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.