Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/15/16)

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Speaker 3 Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Speaker 3 How are you doing?

Speaker 3 Thank you very much. Oh, what a crowd.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Oh, Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 He's such a scamp, isn't he?

Speaker 2 He made up with Megan Kelly last night. Did you see that? She went over to Trump.
Yeah, she went over to Trump Tower, and I guess they smoked the peace pipe.

Speaker 2 But this is how upside down I think America is. How come you have Donald Trump sitting there with Megan Kelly?

Speaker 2 It seems to me that the knowledgeable, attractive, smart person should be running for president. And the racist blowhard with the plastic hair who knows nothing should have a show on Fox.

Speaker 2 Now, of course, it's all about New York. Now, the New York primary is on Tuesday.
And apparently, listen to this, Trump's two kids, Ivanka and his douchebag son, Eric,

Speaker 2 they didn't register, so they're not allowed to vote. And you know, everybody says the Trumps are so smart.

Speaker 2 Really? They didn't even register? I mean, come on, when Kim Kardashian posts a new picture of her ass, Chloe knows how to click like,

Speaker 2 you know?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 there are now, I think, five states that are talking about bathroom laws, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia, are all considering legislation about public bathrooms where,

Speaker 2 if you want to go to the bathroom, it has to correspond to the gender you were born with, because this is a giant problem.

Speaker 2 But North Carolina is losing a lot of business. Bruce Springsteen canceled a concert there, Ringo Starr, Sharon Stone's not going to do a movie there.
There's a porn site called X Hamster.

Speaker 2 You know this?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, they're on the page here. They blocked their users in North Carolina from using the porn site.
Wow, that's a switch. The people watching the porn getting spanked.

Speaker 2 And listen to this. Hillary Clinton yesterday proposed a program to end exposure to lead poisoning

Speaker 2 within five years. And Republicans are already against it.

Speaker 2 They said if our children are not exposed while their brains are still developing to lead, where will we get our next generation of Republican leaders?

Speaker 2 Oh, now a little bit of a controversy there with Hillary this week. She was doing a skit in New York.
Did you see this with Mayor Bill de Blasio?

Speaker 2 And one of the lines in the skit, because Bill de Blasio was kind of late in endorsing her, he said he was on CPT,

Speaker 2 which people, I guess white people don't know, that stands for Colored People's Time. It's an old theater saying.
It's a, you know, it is a racial dig. It's a stereotype.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So they're all mad at Hillary. But then there was a punchline to it.
She says, you know, CPT. She said, oh, you mean cautious politician time.

Speaker 2 So there really wasn't any insult anyway, but they came after Hillary. It's a terrible stereotype.
And Hillary, she did not make it better. She said, don't shout at me like I'm a movie screen.

Speaker 2 Because blacks yell at the movie screen. Hello.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 2 Everyone is too sensitive these days.

Speaker 2 And Bernie had some trouble. He had a big rally.
27,000 people yesterday were in Washington Square.

Speaker 2 But a Bernie supporter was speaking before Bernie came on, and he called out Democrats for being corporate whores. And Bernie had to apologize to whores.

Speaker 2 But no, Bernie, Bernie walks the walk. He was out there with the Verizon strikers.
See, that Verizon went on strike, 36,000 Verizon workers on strike.

Speaker 2 They say service is so bad, it's almost like they're not on strike.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they, I mean, they tried to negotiate with the union, but it's Verizon, so they weren't hearing each other. So,

Speaker 2 Verizon.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 so now, please.

Speaker 2 They yell at the movie screen. It's a famous old.

Speaker 2 So, tomorrow is tax day. I love tax day.
I love spending hours figuring out how much of my money to send the government. Make me do the work.

Speaker 2 It's like not only is your father going to beat you, but get out in the woods woods and break off your own stick.

Speaker 2 Because child beating is funny, too.

Speaker 2 And Donald Trump does not pay a lot of taxes. This year he declared CNN a dependent.

Speaker 2 And did anyone see Bono testifying before Congress the other day? Oh my gosh. Bono said the way to defeat ISIS is to send comedians.

Speaker 2 I'm not joking. He said send Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Sasha Baron Cohen.
Good, send them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the way to defeat ISIS. Send comedians.
Well, Carrot Top went last year. Actually, now he's known as Carrot Neck.

Speaker 2 Fucking cut off.

Speaker 2 Really? Are we defending ISIS?

Speaker 2 No, no. ISIS does much better with their own comedians, like Larry the Sabre guy.

Speaker 3 Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.