Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/04/16)

Honey punches devotees, the forma perfecto depends on account families.

Cono july las crujientes and verdas qual niños les encantas.

Ademas delicios os trosos de granola nuesces y fruta que todos vanadis frutad.

Honey bunches devotes para todos.

Tod para sabermás.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Real time.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you can sit down.

Thank you very much.

Wow, look at that.

Yeah, looks good for Donald Trump.

We had Super Tuesday.

Did you watch the election returns?

Trump swept the South.

But then again, so did Crystal Meth.

So I.

Hillary Clinton also swept the South.

That's mostly because they thought she was Paula Dean.

But

Now, Trump did very well.

He won seven states.

Donald Trump won also, besides the South, won Vermont and Massachusetts.

They like him everywhere, as he will be the first to tell you.

He was very happy the next day.

There was a little extra skip in his goose step.

And I got to tell you, people, I was at the Oscar party Sunday night.

People, just everyone coming up to me saying, Bill, could Trump really be president?

Yes!

Get your head out of your ass.

It could really happen.

The zombies are inside the mall.

What does it take?

The other thing people say to me all the time these days is, hey, a President Trump would be great for your show.

Well, the motherfucker did sue me a few years ago.

It's great for the show until there's a drone strike.

You know, I mean,

I don't.

And of course, the really sad news, if it's not Trump, the alternative, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz had a pretty good night Tuesday.

He won Texas.

Texas said maybe he's a prick, but he's our prick.

Ted Cruz, yes, that's the other choice.

The worst person in America.

Third choice is Marco Rubio, the kid in the public service ad who finds a gun in his dad's drawer.

Those are the three people who could be.

Ted Cruz, he's trying to stop Donald Trump.

Get this.

He says, we need to see Trump's tax returns because he might have ties to the mob.

Where exactly on the tax form

do you list mob ties?

Because

it's hard enough for me to figure out whether pot is business or entertainment.

That's what I'm always doing online.

Yeah, I want to see Trump's returns too.

I want to see if he lists Chris Christie as a hostage or dependent.

Or a second home.

He's fat.

He's a big...

I've told you this.

He's a fat man.

My writers won't listen to me, but he's fat, and sooner or later, we're going to jump on that.

Now, for some reason, Trump keeps flying Christie around the country to be with him, and he was with him on Tuesday night standing behind Donald Trump.

And the look on Christie's face was pained to say the least.

It became an internet meme to see poor Chris Christie.

I haven't felt that bad for a fat guy I hate

since I got to go back to Newman from Seinfeld

getting eaten in Jurassic Park.

Yeah.

But it's interesting, this stop Trump movement.

Trump of course is raging against the machine.

So the Republicans brought out the machine, Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney really let fire.

He called out Trump for the bullying, he said, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics.

Hey, asshole, that's what his followers like about him.

And of course, Trump, you know, took the bait as he always does.

He got mad.

He said to Mitt Romney, be a man.

If you're going to insult me, tweet it to my face.

Is there any wonder that Google searches for how to move to Canada are up 1,000%?

That is true.

Followed very closely by Google searches for, does Canada get the McRib?

I'm just saying Americans here.

Sad news from the presidential trail.

Ben Carson's campaign died peacefully in its sleep.

Yes, Ben said he realized he wasn't energizing his supporters enough when he noticed people at his rallies wearing those airline neck pillows.

And that's the end.

Thank you very much.

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