Bonus Bill (Originally aired 1/15/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

I know, it's an exciting.

Just tell them my birthday's coming up.

All right, let's not even talk about that.

Well, we've been off since fuck when?

Since fuck when?

That's when that was a big holiday.

Fuck when?

No, Thanksgiving or something?

Anyway, but it's amazing.

The race for president really hasn't changed.

Trump is still nuts.

Ted Cruz is still creepy.

And Jeb Bush still needs a Red Bull.

It's really quite.

But

what has changed is on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is breathing down Hillary Clinton's neck.

And it's been a long time since a man has done that.

So that's.

No, it's the Iowa caucuses in two weeks.

Cruz and Trump are neck and neck.

Bernie and Hillary are neck and neck.

And Chris Christie is neck.

Now, a lot of people say, I'd say this, why Iowa?

What the fuck?

Why do they get to pick the president every four years?

First of all, they don't represent America very well.

There are so few minorities.

Do you know this?

In Iowa that Trump has had to resort to insulting people from Kansas.

Kansas, they're tin men, they're scarecrows, they're cowardly lions.

I assume some are good people, but.

No, Iowa voters have been getting robocalls from white supremac groups urging them to vote for Donald Trump.

The Republican Party is so white now that black people are like, why even bother trying to be a part of it?

Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of the Oscars.

That slogan.

Yes, the Oscar nominations came out today.

Once again, no black people.

You've heard of Black Lives Matter?

The Oscars have a different slogan.

Black Lives Meh.

Although that to try to make up for it, Bill Cosby's wife

was nominated for a performance in Clueless.

So that's

a 20-year-old movie, but she was still not

amazing how they really went a long way to try to make up.

And not only are there not going to be black people at the Oscars, there may not be any in the presidential race soon because they think Ben Carson's days are numbered as a Republican candidate.

Yeah, he's been going downhill.

All of his staff quit while we were off.

Today, his finance director quit, and this is the guy they said that was closest to Dr.

Ben Carson.

They said he could complete Carson's sentences.

It was either that or wait an hour because

he speaks very slowly.

Oh,

and this is fun.

You know, remember the birther nonsense with Obama?

This has turned on Ted Cruz now?

Yes, his dad is Cuban, and he was born in Canada.

He's less of a frontrunner and more of an invasive species.

And you know, at the State of the Union, I don't know why this tradition started, but the politicians get to invite special guests, like last year the Duck Dynasty rednecks were there.

This year, some redneck congressmen invited Kim Davis.

Remember Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who wouldn't marry gay people?

So she was there in her flannel shirt and

it was just embarrassing because people kept saying, hey, Joe Dirt, big fan.

Speaking of Joe Dirt, another thing that happened while we're off, some militia people took over a shed in Oregon.

Did you see this?

Because freedom, or we don't even know why they're there or what they're doing.

And listen to this, they've been holed up in this, I guess it's a

bird refugee, it's a wildlife refuge place.

Anyway, they've been asking for supplies.

People have been sending them bags of dicks.

I'm not kidding.

Literally, they've been sending them vibrators and such.

And so

they made a video to announce no more dildos.

They did.

They said no more dildos.

And now all the new recruits have stopped showing up.

So it just just didn't work out.

So,

and

a judge up there in Oregon says that it is actually costing the government up to $75,000 a day for them to be occupying this place.

It definitely, I don't know about that, but it definitely inconvenienced the people who used to meet there for anonymous gay sex.

That's true.

Well, you know how those public parks are.

I hear.

But

no, these militia guys say they're going to reveal the end date of their occupation.

And then the fun part will begin when they go back to their ranching jobs and find out they've been replaced by Mexicans.

Now,

we who live here in our beloved city of Los Angeles have some good news to celebrate this week.

Football is returning to Los Angeles after 20 years.

20 years.

The last time we had football, Clueless was in the theaters.

But yes, of course the football stadium experience here in L.A.

is a little different.

You know, vendors saying things like, couscous, get your couscous.

Couscous here, who wants couscous?

It's hard when you throw it, you know.

Yeah, the Rams, the St.

Louis Rams coming back to LA where they were born, learned back by a $2 billion stadium that they are building in.

Inglewood, the owner, says it's going to take three years to build the stadium.

But the guys out front of Home Depot said they can have it up by next week.

That's it.

And they finally got the winners in the Powerball lottery.

Did you see that?

Three people have won it.

The winning numbers were not yours, not yours, seven and not yours.

Thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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