Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/13/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

What a crowd on a Thursday.

Boy.

When you see how rough and shitty this rehearsal is,

you don't want to take that applause back.

See, I like to set the bar low.

Now everything looks good.

Well, let's get to the important news, the stuff that really matters to Americans.

Donald Trump is on the warpath saying that Hillary Clinton wears a wig.

I am not making this up.

This is what he is saying today.

This is from a man who uses so much hairspray, he bought a beauty pageant.

But

that's his thing today.

He wants to know, is Hillary wearing a wig?

Well, I mean years ago I asked is Donald Trump wearing a ferret on his head?

So I think it's a fair question.

Trump said it's not very presidential to wear a wig.

I mean you wouldn't catch any of our founding fathers wearing a wig.

Well there was another Republican debate this week.

Donald Trump by the way clearly

ran out of stuff to say about three debates ago.

Even his own people are going again with the Mexicans?

This guy talks about the wall more times than Pink Floyd.

I mean

so what I

it seems like everybody agreed that what we need to do in America because this was the the debate about the economy was rein in waste, cut spending, and acknowledge that the government doesn't do anything right except that none of that applies to the military.

They're always perfect.

Rand Paul, again, the one dissenter, suggested that maybe our trillion-dollar military budget has something to do with the giant deficit.

And they treated him like he just let out a loud fart.

Then they,

yeah, they are fact-free.

They went to Carly Fiorina and asked her a question.

They said, explain why the economy does better under Democratic presidents.

Her answer, I swear to God, word for word, I met a woman the other day who was worried about her children.

Why not just point to the balcony and go, hey, Scott Squatch.

Where else do you get to do this in America?

On Family Feud, if they say name an animal with claws, can you go, I met a man in Iowa.

But Hillary's wig and the welders, this is not even close to the stupidest thing that came out this week in the presidential race.

They asked Jeb Bush, oh my god,

would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler?

And he said, fuck yeah, I would.

And then they asked Ben Carson, and he said, no, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't go back and kill.

So now we have a debate

about something really important.

CNN actually had the headline in their website, Ben Carson would not abort baby Hitler.

And then the

head of the Pulitzer Prize Committee called up CNN and just made made vomiting sounds.

I'm telling you, if any aliens see this, they're just going to go, fuck it, blow those assholes out.

Would you kill baby Hitler?

And then everybody has to weigh out of it.

Trump said he would not, but he would go back in time and kill Rosie O'Donnell.

And

Chris Christie said he would go back in time, but just because steak was a nickel back then.

Yeah, apparently Chris Christie, he got demoted to the kids' table this time.

Apparently, he won that debate.

But the kids' table this time was Chris Christie, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, and Mike Huckabee, a who's who of who couldn't get laid in high school.

But Christie, trying to get his credentials there with the white voters that the Republicans are always courting, he said, he was talking to the Black Lives Matter people.

He said, don't call me for a meeting because you're not getting one

unless you have pizza.

And then, of course, I will.

We can negotiate.

But no, there's a lot of racial unrest going on on campuses right now.

Have you seen what's going on at the University of Missouri?

The students are demanding a safe place on campus.

Now, when I was on campus, the safe place was behind the English department where no one could see you getting high.

That was the safe place.

But no, it's not easy being a black student in Columbia, Missouri.

For example, if you want hair extensions, you have to cut the tail off a cow.

Come on, it's Columbia, Missouri.

But you saw what happened.

Now, there was some racial incidents on campus.

The students wanted the president to resign.

He didn't.

Then the football team threatened to skip a game, and the president was gone.

Which sends a great message.

We're sensitive to the terrible legacy of slavery as long as we can keep earning money from unpaid black people.

Because that's what the football team is.

But

the other

story so interesting today, despite Michelle Obama's ardent efforts to get America to lose weight with her Let's Move campaign, adult obesity has gone up.

in the last two years.

And Republicans were walking around patting their big guts going, we showed her.

All right.

Thank you very much for coming.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to hbo.com.