Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/9/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen.

Only on Netflix, September 10th.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

Oh, please, it's

not going to be that good.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yikes.

Please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What did I do?

I'm telling you, it's not going to be that good.

But no, you're probably mostly liberals, and liberals are happy today because absolute anarchy and disarray in the Republican Party.

I know you're saying more than usual.

Yes, more than usual.

Actually, more than usual.

Now, John Boehner was the Speaker of the House, the leader of the Republicans since, oh, it seems like centuries.

I don't know, years.

He quit last week.

They have this new guy from California, Kevin McCarthy, was going to take over.

He dropped out.

And

Kevin McCarthy was a mainstream, crazy conservative.

And the ultra, ultra-right-wingers looked at him and went, nope, crazier.

We need crazier, not crazy enough.

Apparently, he quitted a closed-door meeting at the Republican caucus where they said people were in total shock and crying.

And then Nurse Ratchet came over the loudspeaker and said, gentlemen, it's medication time.

Yeah, now this Kevin McCarthy, last week he was on Sean Hannity and he said that the Benghazi hearings were political on television.

So the Republicans knew he was stupid, but they were asking, is he evil enough?

Because that's the combination they're looking for, and they cannot find anyone who wants this job because it's hurting cats in a nursing home.

No one will take the job.

Paul Ryan, they're suggesting, he's like, I don't fucking want it either.

They're about a weekend away from placing an agent on Craigslist.

Now, I don't know if this is related, but there was a poll out today that said 87% of the American people think presidential candidates should have a basic understanding of science.

But it's different for each party.

For the Democrats, it means an understanding of evolution and climate change.

For the Republicans, it means knowing not to put metal in the microwave.

And then one of their presidential candidates, Ben Carson,

he stepped into controversy this week because after the shooting last week in Oregon, he said, I would not just stand there and let the shooter kill me.

I would say, hey guys, everybody attack him.

He can't get all of us.

See, the Republicans have their own community organizer.

And even

some Republicans are criticizing

this for him saying, you know, hey guys, let's all attack him.

He can't kill all of us.

And Ben Carson said, why is that so crazy?

Isn't that our strategy to defeat Trump?

Well,

President Obama did the right thing this week.

Yesterday, he called up Doctors Without Borders.

I'm sure you heard that over in Afghanistan they have a hospital that we mistakenly bombed.

And Obama did the right thing, called them up, said, sorry, we thought it was a wedding.

Moving on.

So

he's been smoking there.

Now there's a big victory Obama had yesterday.

He's been working on this trade deal for a couple of years called the Trans-Pacific Partnership.

It is the biggest trade deal in history.

All the Pacific nations, us, Canada, Australia, China, Japan, everybody around the Pacific, and it finally looks like it's going to go through.

I don't know what it means.

It's too complicated.

But Mitt Romney likes it, so I assume it takes food out of the mouths of babies.

And

we heard this today from the state of Oklahoma, which has been killing people by lethal injection.

That's their way they execute people.

And we found out that they did one last year, it went horribly wrong, and it turned out they used the wrong drug.

They won't say exactly which drug was used, just let's say that the prisoner was buried with absolutely no toenail fungus.

All right, thank you very much.

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