Bonus Bill (Originally aired 9/11/15)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Tires matter.

They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of BF Goodrich tires.

Go to tire rack.com to see their BF Goodrich test results, tire ratings, and reviews.

And be sure to check out all the special offers.

TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

be.

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

I like the people like, fuck these people who are standing.

I'm here for the air conditioning.

Oh,

Donald Trump.

The gift to comedians, Donald Trump.

Did you see him yesterday at the rally in Washington against the Iran deal?

Oh, what that, what a rally that was.

It was Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck,

Louis Gomert, Michelle Bachman, the guy from Duck Dynasty.

It was a who's who of who's who.

I mean, he picks a new feud every week, right?

So this week he's picking a fight with Carly Fiorina's face.

Did you see this?

He said, Carly Fiorina's face.

Look at that face.

Would anyone want to vote for that face?

No, I mean, it's such a blatantly crass, shallow, sexist attack that Republicans are asking, how far will he rise in the polls now?

But Trump says it's not sexist.

But you know, when you're standing on a stage, the debate stage Don, and you're next to Chris Christie

on one side, and the other side, there's Scott Walker with his cross-eyed drooling thing going on,

and you pick on the woman, it does look a little sexist.

Also, Trump looks like Mussolini.

Who is he to pick on anybody's face?

You've heard of resting bitch face?

He has active bitch face.

And by the way, Don, if you weren't rich, you wouldn't be sleeping with supermodels.

You'd be sleeping with women that look like Kim Davis.

And even following that one, oh yes.

Republicans have a new poster girl.

It is the county clerk in Kentucky who went to jail rather than issue a marriage license to gay people.

Oh yeah, they had a big rally, they let her out of jail, and there was Mike Huckabee, the white Al Sharpton.

And he was up there saying the Supreme Court doesn't get to say what's legal.

Yes, they fucking do.

That's exactly what they do.

No doubt.

That's determined by the Rowan County Clerk.

Ted Cruz got up there and said the Supreme Court is lawless, which raises the question, how does Ted Cruz shave in the morning without spitting at the mirror?

And this Kim Davis, she apparently loves traditional marriage so much that she herself has done it four times.

I'm not kidding.

She married four times, twice to the same redneck.

Did you see him?

He came out there in the rally.

He's wearing literally hee-haw bib overalls.

and a straw hat, looks like he has never crept indoors in his life.

Of course, in Kentucky, they're seen as a very sophisticated couple because they're not related.

And not only four marriages, she's had multiple affairs and twins out of wedlock.

She's only one loved child away from being an honorary palin.

But you know, this is how America's Christians roll.

They talk like Huckabee, they live like Trump.

Now, on the other side of the aisle, Hillary Clinton, her campaign was revamping this week.

They said she's going to show more humor and more heart.

They said the aim, of course, is to win the presidency with that, but at very least she might get a seat on the view.

And

Hillary apologized for what?

We don't know.

She doesn't know, but she's very sorry about whatever it is.

Now, it's the email scandal, and Hillary's email scandal has been very good for Bernie Sanders, because Bernie's an old Jew.

He doesn't use email.

He sends you a card with a dollar in it.

And in the newest poll, he's tied Hillary in Iowa, which is pretty impressive for an old Jew.

There's only 6,000 Jews in Iowa.

That's barely enough to open one Chinese restaurant.

Jews are so rare in Iowa.

When a family puts a menorah in the window, the neighbors say, did your power go out?

All right, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.