Bonus Bill (Originally aired 8/7/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Thank you.

Oh, what a crowd.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Please.

What did I do?

Well, I know why I think you're excited today, because the long wait is over.

It's been a while since the last election, but finally, once again, we can hear Republicans screaming at each other about Mexicans and vaginas.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Two debates.

You can spend your whole day today just listening to people bitch to each other about Obama and Planned Parenthood, or you could tailgate it at a NASCAR race.

Either one would be.

And the debate, the big one, I guess both of them are being held in Cleveland, which is very appropriate because, like the Republican Party, its best days were in the 50s.

And

it's been less and less appealing since.

I kid Cleveland.

But it's true.

And it's on Fox News, which is the debates on Fox News are a little different.

The lying starts with the questions.

And I thought this is interesting.

The co-sponsor of the debate is Facebook, which is also appropriate because, like the Republican Party, it has a lot of money.

It's a huge waste of time.

And no one under 40 goes near it.

So,

but there's two two debates because, you know, you can't have too many candidates on the stage or else the Koch brothers' marionette strings get tangled.

And also because, you know, they just said they physically could not fit all the candidates onto one stage.

So there's two groups, one with 16 of them and then Chris Christie.

No, there's one, the one, one that's going on right now.

They're calling it the kids' table debate, which, you know, I'm not fond of these guys, but I think that is a little demeaning.

It's not the kids' table.

They had a wide-ranging discussion of important topics, and then they ate animal crackers and drank Kool-Aid.

So I don't know where they're getting this kids' table stuff.

But,

you know, kids' table is demeaning.

I prefer children of a lesser god debate.

That

demeaning.

And Fox was asking what the candidates in the debates were doing, you know, to get themselves keyed up or relaxed.

Jeb Bush went to Mass.

Mike Huckabee said he went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Carly Fiorina said she played solitaire on her iPhone.

Someone get that woman some cats.

That's just sad.

And I love Trump.

Trump says he didn't do any debate prep at all, doesn't need it.

He says his strategy is to remain even more clueless than the average Republican voter.

And so far that strategy is working beautifully.

But say what you will about Donald Trump, he certainly has made it fun.

Kind of like releasing a great Dane into a toddler's birthday party.

And I also must say for years, the Republicans have been very mad at me for saying that they were arrogant, simple-minded, xenophobic racists.

And then along comes a guy who is a complete arrogant, simple-minded, xenophobic racist.

And they all go, finally, someone who speaks to my values.

So I don't know if I was that off.

And when you think about it, actually, in the last seven years with Obama at the helm, this country has seen a lot of progress: job growth, shrinking deficits, health care for a lot more people, gay marriage is legal.

We took the Confederate flag down, there's a climate deal with China.

And you will see tonight 10 men stand on the stage and unveil their plans to make America suck again.

And of course,

what they all agree on, the main topic that they all agree on is that we have to first deal with the number one threat to America, planned parenthood.

They hate planned parenthood or actually planned anything.

Yeah,

Jeb Bush stepped in it a couple of days ago.

He said, I'm not sure if we should be spending this much money on women's health issues.

Yes, it's only their health.

It's not something they really care about, like shoes.

Well, this is all good news for Hillary.

Hillary Clinton, are you ready for Hillary?

People are, oh, look at that.

That's bad news for Hillary Clinton.

These are the people who are supposed to like her.

They're like.

You know, I always say that that slogan, ready for Hillary, is perfect because that expresses exactly how I feel.

Am I ready for Hillary?

Yes, I'm ready.

Am I enthusiastic?

No.

Excited?

No.

I am ready.

It's like getting a shot.

Yes, I'm ready for Hillary.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

But,

oh wow, see?

But listen to this.

Here's the juiciest, I think, part of the whole campaign.

Turns out, in the spring, Bill Clinton had a private phone conversation with Donald Trump and encouraged him to get more into politics, more into the Republican Party, maybe run for president, because who better than Bill Clinton knows that the only way to make Hillary really likable is to put her next to a guy who acts like a dick.

Thank you very much.

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