Bonus Bill (Originally aired 4/17/15) - Updated

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Well, I think I know why they're excited.

Another week at another person running for president.

Are you ready for Marco Rubio, huh?

Marco Rubio?

Have you seen him?

His slogan is a new American century, but he's against abortion.

He's against gay marriage.

He's against immigration reform, against legalizing pot, against clean energy.

I think a better slogan for him would be a fresh new face on the same old shit.

Yeah, I mean, he, God, what, 2015, he didn't get the memo about gays.

He's totally against gay marriage, but they asked him the other day, they said, Would you go to a gay wedding?

You know, if it was someone in your family, somebody you loved.

He said, He would.

He'd go to the gay.

He said he's Catholic.

He's used to gays participating in weddings.

Oh, they're way ahead of me.

I was going to say the priest, but apparently you're already there.

No, he said he would go to the gay wedding, but when everybody gets up at the dance, Florida dance, it's raining men, you're just going to sit there.

That's his little protest.

And he's kind of a weasel.

They asked him if he ever, they've asked him a few times, has he ever smoked pot?

And he says, I won't answer the question.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Again, 2015.

He grew up in Miami in the 80s.

I'm guessing, yes.

And you know what?

It's, hey, first of all, it's 420.

Or as I call it, Ash Monday.

It was my favorite holiday.

I've already started packing.

And Wednesday's Earth Day, so recycle those plastic baggies after you take all the fun out.

Don't forget.

But another asshole on this issue is Chris Christie, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey.

He said if he became president, he would crack down on the states that are allowing marijuana and he would not permit it.

He says America has an enormous addiction problem.

He said that.

And if there's one thing he cannot stand, it's people people with no willpower.

420?

That's his goal weight.

But he looks like he's going to start announcing for president very soon, because he showed up this week at a diner in New Hampshire, and you know what that means.

There's a diner in New Hampshire with no food.

That's what that means.

One of Christie's aides said he's going to put off the announcement for a while to avoid comparisons while Paul Blart Molkop is still in the theater.

So, and you see Hillary riding across the country this week, got in a van.

Got in a van, man.

A van, they call it the Scooby, that's right.

So, I guess we know she is where she is on 420.

But

drove out to Iowa with her aide, Uma, who's married to Anthony Anthony Weiner.

They're like the Tellman Louise of Washington, D.C.

And every place she stopped, parents would point to her and tell their kids, look, kids, that's the woman who's going to be boring us for the next year and a half.

So, did you do your taxes?

We all have to do our part.

Syria is not going to bomb itself.

Oh, wait, it is.

That's right.

We're going to do it too.

Yes, al-Qaeda seized an airport in Yemen today.

That was big breaking news all over CNN.

Yes, this is terrible.

Unless, of course, they're on our side now in Yemen.

We don't know that.

If they seized it from ISIS, good.

If they seize it from Sinabon, bad.

That's all I have to say about that.

All I know is that there was a very high price to pay.

But isn't there always at the airport?

And you saw that guy from Florida, the mailman from Florida, who landed a gyrocopter on the lawn of the Capitol.

He has not been charged because hovering around the Capitol is not illegal.

It's called being a lobbyist.

And finally, I guess if you follow sports, you've been aware of the Aaron Hernandez trial.

Aaron Hernandez was one of the, got to give him this, one of the greatest tight ends in the history of football.

He was an amazing player for the Patriots, but he did shoot three guys in cold blood.

And the jury this week found him guilty.

He will be going to prison for the rest of his life.

So, uh,

so so much for the tight end.

Thank you.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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