Bonus Bill (Originally Aired 2/20/2015)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Good afternoon, Acro.

Oh, thank you very much.

Please, please, it's only Thursday. How's the crowd? A hot crowd? Yeah.

Well, it's Oscar fever time. Do you have Oscar fever?

Okay, that's pretty pretty good.

Well, nice weather for it. We got beautiful.
Actually, a little too nice. The award season has been kind of like overly hot.
Last week at the Grammys, Lady Gaga's meat dress went bad.

And this is the first time, this has never happened before. The Oscars are falling on the same day as the Daytona 500.

Yeah, and they're both sponsored by Coke. So that's interesting.

Some great films this year, just not ones you'd call, what's the word, popular.

You know, they're the kind of words when you, the movies where you ask people, you know, if they've seen them, they're like, Boyhood, yeah, almost, almost saw that one.

A whiplash, yeah, I should see that one. I really, I meant to.

Foxcatcher, yeah, I'm going to make, I'm going to make time to, you know, the kind of movies you see in the classy theater where the usher comes out before the movie to tell you you're doing the right thing.

Welcome to the art clack. Now let's get this over with.

Yes, Oscar movies about artists and how they suffered for their art. And now it's your turn.

Now the other thing that, I don't know, I think it's kind of controversial. There's a goodie bag they give out to rich, spoiled movie stars that has $125,000 worth of swag.

Please, come on, show business is hard, back-breaking work. It's

about time these people got a little something in return for it. $125,000 they're giving away to movie stars.
And it includes a $250 vibrator. I'm not kidding.
That's the new gift this year.

Everybody's buzzing about it.

stuff in the bag: the trips, the accessories, the designerwear, that's all a thank you for participating in the broadcast. The vibrator is to see if they can get anyone's face to move.

But

just so you know the difference, a vibrator is a sex toy that runs on batteries. Ryan Seacrest is a dildo.

Well, you know what? We got the movie stars out here. We got the sunshine out here.
You know what else we got out here? Disease.

Yeah, first we had the measles, and you know, that death toll is steady at zero. But now

we got something really bad. There is a drug-resistant superbug called CRE.
It is, to give you an idea how bad it is, it is ten times more deadly than the bug that is up John McCain's ass.

And

there's been an outbreak at UCLA at the Ronald Reagan Medical Center. 180 people have this.
And, you know, when you get this, there's nothing really they can do. It's very, very serious.

First of all, I don't even like it that they named a hospital after Ronald Reagan. I don't think that's appropriate.
He ignored AIDS his entire first term when it was an epidemic.

I mean, naming a hospital after Ronald Reagan is like naming an energy drink after Bill Cosby. I just don't think it's the right thing to do.
I don't.

But they say this disease is a threat, a special threat to our old and vulnerable, which out here means actresses over 30. So,

no, it's very dangerous. It can hide for years, like my agent.

And it's constantly mutating, like Bruce Jenner.

Oh, Bruce Jenner, he's in trouble. It's looking more and more like Bruce Jenner.
You saw that accident last week on PCH, right?

Okay, it looks more and more like he was actually the cause of that accident. They say he could wind up getting prison time for manslaughter.
That would be a tricky trial.

Very tricky to find a jury of his peers. You'd have to find 12 Olympic athletes who are halfway through a sex change

with a reality show based on their stepdaughter's giant ass. That would be very, very difficult.

This I never thought I'd see the day. Walmart is giving a raise to 40% of its workforce.
Oh, can you spare it? Yeah, they're going to be making $10 an hour soon. And

well, that's for them. That's good.
And a Walmart spoken today said, we hope this goes a long way to rehabilitating our image as the number one retailer of crap made by Chinese toddlers.

Now, politically, it's getting interesting. Jeb Bush is currently on a nobody's listening tour, and

he said, his big line this week, he made a speech. He said, I love my father, I love my brother, but I am my own man.

And then announced that, I'm not kidding about this, he has hired more than two dozen former aides of his father and his brother.

Mitt Romney had binders full of women, he has binders full of old white dudes.

I am really worried we're going to find out that George was the smart brother.

Thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.