“John Mayer LIVE”

This episode of Smartless and our live show was made possible by Ashley, the brand that is supporting real change where it is needed most.

Did you know that more than 7 million children are affected by the welfare system and over 368,000 are currently in foster care?

So when we heard those numbers, we were shocked.

That's why we partnered with Ashley and SiriusXM to make a donation to four others, an organization working to end the child welfare crisis in America.

And I got to tell you, it feels really good to be working with a brand that is making a positive impact.

Not only are they generous over at Ashley, they also hooked us up with some incredibly comfy furniture, which is nice as well.

And they provided a lot of furniture for our on-stage live show.

That was also very great because we figured sitting on the floor would have looked very awkward and been very uncomfortable.

It was actually like podcasting in a a living room, but just nicer than mine.

I'm not saying that I fell asleep mid-show, but I might have, you know, listening to Sean and, you know, Jason

being on an Ashley couch, boy, that'll put you out.

Anyway, Ashley offers timeless, well-crafted furniture with white glove delivery right to your door.

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This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by by Skinny Pop Popcorn.

We had snacks at the live show thanks to Skinny Pop Original,

which if you haven't had it, it's deliciously popped.

It's perfectly salted.

And somehow, it's always the first thing gone in the green room.

And when I say somehow, I mean Sean and Jason, because

as soon as we got there, we had this green room that had all this skinny pop, because like I mentioned, Skinny Pop is one of the sponsors.

Those guys, you would have thought that they'd never tried it before or that they hadn't eaten in years because they just started, they literally, it was embarrassing.

And them talking to the Skinny Pop people and Sean going like, we really love Skinny Pop.

We're like, yeah, they know, man.

They know.

Anyway, it was awesome to have them as one of our sponsors.

And then I gave those guys so much crap about eating all the skinny pop.

And then when I was on stage during the show, I ended up opening a bag and eating it myself.

So, you know, it's a lot of glass houses on this show.

It's a recurring theme.

And it's one of those snacks where you eat it and you're like, yeah, I get why it's popular.

It's just really good.

So Skinny Pop, it's deliciously pop, perfectly salted, popular for a reason.

Learn more at hershyland.com slash skinny pop.

This special episode of Smartless was recorded live at the Avalon Theater thanks to our friends at Starbucks.

And really, what's better than a cold beverage during a live show?

We're talking about the ultimate summer sips from Starbucks, whether it's the unofficial drink of the summer, the summer berry refresher, or the new Stratto Frappuccino blended beverage.

These beverages are handcrafted to help savor the season.

When I was doing the show, I had an iced chai latte.

The iced chai lattes at Starbucks are the best.

I love them.

I drink them like in one gulp.

They're so delicious.

Your summer favorites are ready at Starbucks.

Good evening and welcome to Smartless Live.

Are you ready to get going?

Oh God,

I don't know.

I don't know where I want to go, bro.

How is this guy still talking to you?

Please welcome the guys from Smartless.

Hello, Los Angeles.

Hi.

I think we should start with a little crowd work.

Sure, sir.

We've never done a little crowd work.

We do the waves.

Last time I was here, I was right about where you were, sir,

with a belly full of booze watching Smash'em Pumpkins play up here.

Oh, yeah.

That was about 25 years ago when it was the palace.

Anybody?

And it was just booze, right?

Just the booze.

Yeah.

The last time I was here was for some gay bullshit.

No.

Well, happy pride.

Woo!

And also happy pride.

Yeah, listen.

Look at this nice Ashley furniture here.

I mean, unbelievable.

Wow, it makes me want to go right to sleep.

How many microphones do we get?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Guys, I'm so thirsty.

I did a little pick-me-up.

Yeah.

I wonder if...

Me too.

Oh,

it's empty.

There we go.

What if they were all empty?

I was just like,

and I guess if you're hungry, just...

Sure.

Sean, what's the prop?

This is, this was, so our, the people that really make us look good are Rob.

It's not your personal?

It's what?

No, it's not my personal.

You don't need to eat while we're doing this.

So Rob, Bennett, and Michael, the people that make this show, they made this for me because Chin Chin went out of business.

And you know, I love Chin Chin as much sodium as I can get.

And so they just gave it to me backstage, and I walked out with it, and I opened it.

Uh-oh.

This is true.

They just gave it to me as a gift.

And guess what's inside?

Oh, I want one of those.

Cookies.

Well.

Yeah.

Isn't it when you pick a fortune cookie, you got to pick the cookie that's smiling at you, right?

You know, one of the things I love that you guys, so who, you guys know about Chin Chin and Sean's,

right, affinity for Chin Chin.

You guys know about that?

You guys are, you guys listen to the show from time to time?

You're familiar with some of the characters in the show?

Are you guys familiar with him?

We talk about our friend Dan Dees.

You hear about Dan.

Oh, boy.

Dan, stick your hand up.

Come on, Dan.

There he is.

There he is.

I didn't know that.

You better have Don.

We got Don right next to Don.

I got Josh Shotland right now.

Josh is here somewhere.

Josh, where are you at?

He's maybe on the side.

Yeah, there he is.

And where's my dad?

That's Josh.

Where's my dad?

Is my dad here?

Yeah.

That's just a block away on the 101.

No, he's sharing his location.

He's sharing his location with me right now.

This says, seize the opportunities that will define your future's course.

Oh.

What does that mean?

Anyway, I have an opening story.

I think it means do something.

Do you have an opening story?

I do.

It's you've worked on some bits?

I did.

I worked on it.

Well, that was the first bit that just was right.

All right, so listen.

All right, so this is, this is, I don't know if you guys are going to give a shit, but a couple days.

By the way, thank you for coming, you guys.

Hey, guys.

We're always amazed that you guys listen to us talk about nothing.

But I guess the part that makes it understandable is that you're doing something that is sort of brainless and it's like, well, why not augment it with something that's brainless?

Like, you know, you're jogging or whatever the hell is, you're riding a subway or whatever.

But here, you've left your house.

I just spit fortune cookie on the mic.

You've left the house

and you're out

for us to, which is a big deal.

And we're sitting on stage and just talking.

And so thank you for doing that because there's no music, you know.

So thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, appreciate it.

There's music in

there is a piano, so you guys are in luck, I think.

On the stage.

That might be for the.

Is that for the mystery guests?

It might be for me.

It might be for you.

Sean does play.

Are we going to get a visit from Oscar Levitt?

Can he visit with us?

By the way, you guys should be so lucky.

Truly, we've talked about it before.

He's a classically trained pianist.

And

see this guy.

Nobody cares.

You better get on there just a little bit today.

If you want to be put to sleep, I'll run over there and play.

All right, so because it's like your story.

Yeah, I can't, people aren't like, I can't wait for classical music.

So

Scotty and I are unloading the dishwasher.

This is a couple days ago.

And we're putting the things away, and we put the tongs in the drawer the opposite way.

Have anybody ever done that?

Sounds incredible.

Right to me.

So

keep going.

God.

You can't top the stars.

Do you know how much traffic they had to drive through to get here?

In Hollywood on a thursday night

okay you need

any sorry so the tongs so you're putting the tongs in the dishwasher yeah we put the tongs in the dishwasher this is incredible

and we couldn't open the door what

no way hang on i need another sip for myself

what sean

So wait, so we couldn't open the door.

Uh-huh.

We couldn't open the door.

Wait, he's checking his cards to keep himself.

No, no, no.

Wait, is this a long line?

No, no, no, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

So we put it in the thing, and then we couldn't open it.

We're like jingling.

So then I said, Scotty, get the hot poker from the fireplace, right?

Because it's really long.

And the drawer had only opened that wide, so we couldn't get our hand there.

So we got the hot poker in there, and for two hours, he's trying to get the tongs out.

Look, and this is when I have a picture of Scotty after the tongs.

Can we see the thing?

You have pictures.

That's Scotty.

And he couldn't get the thing.

So then then I was like I was like wait I'll I'll get a wire hanger so then I got a wire hanger I took out the we took out the second door drawer and I put the wire hanger underneath and I'm on inside the thing and I couldn't get it out for like two hours I'm almost done I'm almost done and then

and so like please hope this pays off you need a staff so then we had we had to hire a handyman because we just couldn't do it.

And so then, no, no, no, wait, I'm almost done.

And

then he comes over and he goes, oh, this happens all the time, which made me feel really good.

And then he says, by any chance, do you have a wire hanger?

And I was like, yeah, but good luck, it doesn't work.

10 seconds, he just got it out.

That's the end of the story.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Honestly, honestly.

Don't applaud us.

Our deepest apologies.

You'll get more.

Our deepest.

And you give me shit for long-winded questions.

You have a long-winded story that at least mine ends with a question.

But I brought a picture.

But that picture wasn't.

I mean, I wanted to see a picture of you jackasses with the poker.

That would have been good to see that.

Yeah, that, like a video of that, yeah, or a video or something.

And it was just the picture of Scotty with dirty hands.

Yeah, because of the poker from the fireplace.

Did you run this by anybody?

No, I didn't.

You should.

Yeah, okay.

You should have.

All right, Scotty up there giggling like the story.

The story worked, Scotty.

Didn't.

It didn't, Scotty.

Scotty, is that how it happened?

Hey, what's next on the carts?

Should we?

I have another story or I could intro the game.

No, I want to hear the other story.

Don't you guys want to hear another?

Yes.

It's really, this is much faster.

So Scotty and I have, I already told you guys.

Why all the way over here?

Oh, come over here.

Bring the fucking thing.

This thing's all wired.

It's a sorry bag on it.

So Scotty and I both snore and we have like, we sleep in separate rooms because otherwise we wouldn't sleep because

like every five seconds.

And we had it, we went through the whole sleep program and we got CPAPs, you know, the thing, the CPAP machine.

And so it goes into the.

I'm just going to drift over two big, big stories right there.

Separate bedrooms.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

That's not something we all do.

Well, you should.

You should.

You sleep better.

And oxygen tanks.

Yes.

While they sleep.

Well, a CPAP.

So, you know, it's hooked here and it pushes.

Well, we get it.

We've seen it.

Okay.

And it goes over your head and it's not very attractive.

So, anyway, so I'm lying there in bed and I turn the machine on.

And once it's on, it's hard to get, but you can't really open your mouth to speak because the air is pushing.

Anyway, so he's stepping over my bed.

Getting a hard on.

And he got,

God.

How do you guys keep it alive?

This is technically now not show business.

What we're doing is not a show business.

It's not a show business.

Do you want to come down and cry a little bit?

So, anyway, so he's standing over me and he's just saying good night.

And I said,

he's like, all right, you good?

And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I'll just nod because I can't talk.

And he goes, he goes, okay, good night, I love you.

And I go,

I love you too.

Oh, God.

Come on, I told you that already.

No children, right?

What?

No what?

No children?

No children.

No children.

A dog.

A dog named Ricky.

All right, let's get to our guest.

Ready?

Do you want to add something?

I mean.

Do you want to add something?

No, I just love just your day-to-day.

It's interesting.

It's incredible.

There's such a whole wide world out there.

And anyway.

Anyway, next time you come over, I'll show you.

I do want to come over and see that.

So my guest today, our guest today.

It's your guest.

I won't claim the guest yet.

Yeah.

Writes the kind of songs

that make you want to text your wife or husband or ex or mistress or hookup or best friend.

Or CPAP partner.

They're also songs that you'll love and never forget for the rest of your life.

He once tried stand-up comedy, collects rare watches like it's a competitive sport.

Oh, and swear.

And swears he's not as intense as he looks mid-guitar solo.

He's the reason you bought a guitar or learned how to play the piano.

And he's someone I'm proud to call our serious XM brother.

Please welcome one of the most absurdly talented, relentlessly curious, deeply thoughtful, and consistently brilliant artists of all time, John Mayer.

This is fantastic.

This is fantastic.

Yeah.

What do you got on tonight?

AP.

What's AP?

Autumn RPG.

Oh, you got a nice show.

I'm going to show you for my 50th birthday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there's an email going.

Welcome to the show, first of all.

John Merrick.

John Merritt.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

And it should be noted that we've wanted to have you on the show for a long time, which is going to go into Jason's story.

And I know where you're going to start going.

yeah well you know the the the the mystery guest thing is a real thing unless it's you know like a president or something and we got to like be together and know stuff um

no offense i understand

that that sounded shitty

so there's an email that goes out the other day about about about this um uh and it it says somewhere in the email uh something about john mayer

And so I'm like, I'm already here, by the way.

She started clapping, but I already him here.

It's like with our whole group of us.

It's like an admin thing about this is the thing, and then with John Mayer, the guest and photo or something.

You know, I mean, I like a little snark.

So I email back and go, huh, John Mayer sounds like a great guest.

Hope we can get him on the show someday.

He does a reply all, right?

Meaning, like, somebody screwed up and put John Mayer on this email, and now I know who the guest is.

So then, and then I answer.

Go ahead and finish, Will.

Well, hang on.

No, do the punching.

You guys.

Do it, guys.

Do it.

What else happened?

Well, the part you're forgetting is that, and then I say, yeah, John Mayer would be great because I realize that they've tipped, that it's John Mayer.

Right.

And then James

doesn't really realize that they've tipped it.

You didn't know that it was John Mayer.

I figured it was for a later episode.

God.

But you're.

This is what I'm getting at.

But this genius, oh, I hope one day we can get him.

That's a great idea.

That didn't help.

My wife, for the last six or seven days, says, you know, I was like, well, what should I wear?

But oh, don't worry, worry, wear something funky because she's really funky.

And she goes, oh, I said, well, you know, telling me the sex of the guest doesn't really give away the, so it's a female, huh?

She goes, yeah, I'm sorry.

I said, baby, don't worry about it.

So for five, six days, it's she, she, she, she.

And then, of course, here comes John, and she's giggling up there.

Great work.

Great work.

It said in the email that it was John Mayer, man.

But not for this one.

I don't think it was for this.

Of course it did.

It said what we're doing tonight.

Oh, I'm a skimmer.

I must say, skim.

John, welcome to the show.

Thank you for having me on this video.

Great to be here, John.

Great to be here.

Yeah.

Do you have, do you, um, do you own a pair of tongs?

I'm kidding.

So, uh, yes.

Do you remember the first time you and I met?

We have met.

I think the only place we meet are at a certain somebody's Christmas party.

Okay, but we met before then, and we have a picture of me and you meeting.

Uh-oh.

Hey, what more picture aides?

All right, let me try to figure out where this is.

That is the bucket list, guys.

That's the bucket list.

Which you wrote, say what you want to say

for the movie.

And did you know, I'm glad you remember.

The irony being that it was not on your bucket list to go to that.

So you wrote the song, Say What You Wanna Say, which was...

A massive hit.

I love that song so much.

But I don't know that people know, this is just a sidebar, the bucket list, the term the bucket list, was invented by the writer of the movie, the bucket list.

Yes, really?

Like a lot of people.

Yeah, so people believe that that has been around for decades, and it really was written for that movie.

And I believe it's one of those things that's a little bit like the crying game.

People will reference the title.

Right.

And I think that the name of, if I may, we both were involved, me tangentially, that's one of those films where the title of the film has gone on to live on a little more than the film itself.

Yeah, it's not wild.

Wait, come on.

The term the bucket list did not exist before that film.

It was in the email.

This is why he gets a big bucks.

Yeah, that was a great night, though.

That was a great night at the point.

Isn't that amazing?

I'm glad you remember it.

Yeah, I do.

I'm kidding.

So, wait, so serious brother to serious XM Brother.

Yes.

You have your own channel.

What is it, 14?

Channel 14.

Life with John Mayer.

Channel 14.

I don't know if you know it.

But what happens on channel 14?

What happens?

What's going down on channel 14?

What happens?

So I was very high one night.

And I had this idea for a radio channel where the music changes throughout the day so that wherever you are in the day you turn it on and there's like a playlist for that hour yeah and uh son of a bitch it worked yeah and uh wait so there's so there's there's a playlist that's more appropriate for 2 p.m as opposed to 10 p.m and you make it all yeah that does sound like a very high idea but it worked it was because i was tired of having spotify

Like Spotify was always to me like

Pandora, yeah.

Spotify to me was always like your girlfriend.

Right.

Like, your grandmother would learn one thing about you when you were five

and continually give you gifts based on that thing for the next 10 years.

That's right.

And I remember Spotify would be like, oh, you like George Benson, don't you?

And I was like, I told you I wanted to hear Bring on the Night one time.

Right, right.

You know?

Right.

Or Give Me the Night, it's called.

And so I was like, what if there was, we broke out of the algorithm?

Because what ends up happening is you go to the gym and all you want to do is just hear something while you're working out and you go I don't know just give me the war on drugs give me war on drugs and then you get the same first song and the same second song and the same third song and the same fourth song and so I really feel like it met a need and I like making stuff that meets a need I like that I get a kick at it like smartless mobile Yes.

Hey, what that's that, Sean?

Wow, Sean, sorry.

Sean, what's smartless mobile?

Sorry, sorry.

What is smartless mobile?

We just launched it two days ago.

It's a mobile service that we're doing.

So why would somebody want Smartless Mobile?

Because 90% of the time you spend it on your cell phone, you're using Wi-Fi, so you're overpaying with an unlimited plan where you can save half of your bill.

I can save money right now by going to Smartless Mobile?

Absolutely.

Unbelievable.

Tell me more.

Go to Smartless Mobile.

Did you really do that?

We did.

Yeah,

two days ago.

We're going to switch your phone before you're out of here.

All right, great.

It seriously takes 90 seconds.

Wait, here's what I want to know.

Can I get in?

Yeah, yeah.

So we're up here on stage.

This is not comfortable for me.

I'm a shy person.

I don't like the spotlight.

I don't like having, I don't like being myself.

And I see all the faces.

This is something you're very comfortable with.

You've been on stage since how old?

22, right?

Yeah.

And you're now 60.

I'm 62 now.

But like,

just hearing your voice on that microphone, and I can tell how comfortable you are.

Like, that's, I wish I had that.

That's like.

But I wish I had a gig where I was getting nervous to sit on a couch

for no.

I'm looking at at this going, this is the greatest gig

ever.

To comfort,

you're getting nervous to be sent to me.

No, it's just not super comfy for me, but you're a freaking rock star.

Let me tell you something, man.

Looking out at people and singing and strumming, that's like, that's your.

Jason, every one of these people, if you needed a place to stay tonight, would let you sleep in their guest room.

That's a great point.

That's what you tell yourself when you get to the house.

Why would you be nervous when every single one of these people would put you up in their house?

that's a nice window into john's how can you be nervous now

that's what i ended up doing at one point i went every one of these people would let you sleep on the futon if you needed to so what are you nervous about the futon i bet a lot it'd be like welcome to our marriage

probably

have have any have you guys ever to got to get over nerves done done the brady bunch trick where you just imagine somebody in the underwear no that doesn't work does it does it work have you guys ever done that it kind of works really i just imagine myself taking a quarter milligram of Xanax and then I do that.

A quarter milligram manifests.

I just need a little chip.

Just a touch.

Just a little chip.

No, you don't do that.

Yeah, I mean, every once in a while.

All right.

I mean, okay, well, this is an unknown thing.

Okay.

It's a little different.

I'm not high right now, but if...

If I'm coming out to do my show and there's muscle memory, then I don't get nervous.

But if it's the unknown, it can be a little.

You know what ends up happening a lot of the times?

When I'm a surprise, I start getting amped up and nervous because I know I'm a surprise.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

And I get nervous every day.

I got nervous coming out here.

Yeah.

Because it's you.

Do you have any pre-show OCD-ish things you do?

Okay.

We did Kimmel the other night.

Tell the story about the dishwasher.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got a great one.

That's a safe one.

And sweet, sweet, sweet Sean took the seat furthest away from Jimmy because he said,

I don't want to sit next to you, Jimmy, because I get nervous these days.

Yeah, I get nervous on talk shows, big time.

Yeah, but if I prepare like I did today, I get less nervous.

Sure.

And you may not even go to those cards if you don't have to.

No, watch me.

Okay.

So you did stand up, which I love.

I didn't know.

You did stand-up comedy.

Yes.

Yes.

I did not know that about you, that you did stand-up comedy when

I was nominated.

I was gave it a singularly as best host.

Your best host.

Best best host of a podcast no I

say that because I did too I actually have a joke that I read on the internet today it's um the FDA the FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression it's called Tricox again

it's not bad

it's not bad do you have one do you have one that you like

I mean the worst the worst

you read the you read the punchline punchline.

I did because I was nervous.

I was nervous that I wouldn't get it right.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maple, my incredible daughter, 13, right up there, told me a great joke today.

Knock, knock, who's there?

Who?

Who?

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, wait, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Jay, Jason.

Unmute accommodation.

Are you guys starting to get it?

This is why he gets a big bucks.

He's a moron and I'm worse.

Do it with them.

Do it with them.

Hey, knock, knock.

Britney Spears.

Britney Spears.

Knock, knock.

Britney Spears.

Oops, I did it again.

Oh, God.

Johnny, I can get you.

That's Maple.

Do you have like a go-to joke that you're going to be doing?

I didn't do it long enough to have a go-to joke.

What was your style as a stand-up?

I didn't even, I mean, I would go, I wanted to be observational.

I wasn't, the thing is, and I'm glad I did stand-up because I'll do shows with Dave Chappelle now, and I'm not front and center, but I understand him.

I've seen so much stand-up.

Like, I used to go to the comedy cellar every single night in New York City.

I'd go to the comedy cellar, and I was just enamored with it.

When I was younger, I didn't have this thing in my head that would say, that's not for you.

And so I would look at it and I'd go, I'm going to do that too I'm gonna do that too and and I didn't quite put the time in that it would have taken I mean what you're supposed to do if you really want to do it get your tapes watch your tapes yeah and I didn't want to watch the tapes I didn't I just I wanted to drink just enough to watch someone do stand up and go I can do it and it didn't quite and it was a different experience once you get up there I bet it's just like I liked it I actually liked the uphill battle of it the problem was poor sweet beautiful Estie, who books the comedy seller in New York, would get calls from People Magazine the next night saying, did he go up?

I heard he said this and then that.

And if you think about it, here's why I can't do stand-up.

Because if I, one of the many reasons, if I got on stage and I said,

so my girlfriend has another UTI.

Right.

That ceases to be about a joke about a UTI.

And everyone would go, who's the girlfriend?

Who's he dating?

And so it didn't work.

Celebrity news.

It didn't work.

Even the setup didn't work because people would get stuck in who's who and what's going on.

But it taught me stage time.

It taught me.

And most of your jokes were about UTIs.

They were all UTIs, pretty much.

Yes.

They were all UTI.

You never bothered to develop any other material.

I never really did.

I did this thing where I would just smash cranberries with a big mallet at the end.

Yeah.

And then you just taught yourself guitar.

Which is weird because they're actually really good for curing UTIs.

Yes.

Well, I had thought about that before I said it.

That's actually true, right?

Grandva.

You get a lot of

people

out there.

Willie, you just did some time at the comedy seller.

Will's got a film coming out where he's going to play a stand-up, and he went up there and threw himself into the deep end.

Bradley Cooper directed it.

I shot at the comedy seller.

Sean's in the movie with me as well.

If you blink, but yeah.

And our friend Bradley directed it, and we shot at the comedy seller for eight days.

I play a guy who's just starting to become a stand-up stand-up because he's going through some life changes.

And so, yeah, so I did the same.

It's called, is this thing on?

And it comes out later this year.

Yeah.

And it was scary, yes, or not scary?

Yeah, the first time I went on, yeah, but I was going on, well, in the same way, I was going on as they introduced me as this character, as the guy who's going up doing stand-up for the first time.

And then people were very confused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I left stories on that.

And I'm like, hey,

I'm going through a divorce.

I'm getting divorced.

And people are like, didn't he get divorced like 10 years ago?

Amy Poehler?

Like, what's you know?

And it was very confusing for people.

We made the leap anyway, yeah.

But did you see anyone you loved when you were there?

Did you get a ton of them?

Yeah, so many good.

They're so good.

And they're so good, and it's so hard what they do.

You have so much, you end up having so much respect for stand-ups and what they do.

It's amazing.

And writing jokes all day.

So we would go back and we'd write jokes all day and then go at like nine o'clock and meet up there and go up three or four times at all the different stages.

It was pretty crazy.

There's really nothing like it.

And everyone has a friend that's told them you should do stand-up or the other way around.

And when you get up there,

you realize the water is choppy.

And what's crazy is, it's true.

And what's crazy is, as Jason pointed out, you've been performing in front of huge audiences for a long time.

And I've been doing this for a long time.

I look really young, but I'm older than, and they're laughing because it's so true.

And

yet, when you actually go do stand-up, it is just such a different thing.

It's completely different.

We did one night when we were prepping for the movie.

John, we're going to get to you in a sec.

This is great.

No, this is great.

I was just thinking as I was drifting as he was talking.

I was thinking to myself, because I drifted far, I thought,

this is actually the most fun I've had on a podcast so far.

I like where we're going.

I like where we're.

You're lucky to get a word in.

It's a conversation.

I like where we're going.

My point was: the line between

succeeding killing and bombing is very thin.

So the first guy who brought me on stage.

Quickly, please, yeah.

We have to get to these guys.

I'll have you know was the dearly departed Bob Sagett.

How bad do you feel now?

And Bob brought me on stage, which meant he went up for just probably four or five minutes, which was impossible for Bob to do, to do four or five minutes.

Even more impossible now.

That is true.

That is.

That is true.

Bob would appreciate it.

Well, you asked me how...

joke, which is why you can do it.

Bob would appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

Which is why you can do it.

And he brought me up on stage, and I immediately felt how difficult it was.

And this is the real problem.

This is the real.

I'm trying to put you in my shoes if you were to do stand-up.

You might absolutely suck, but all you want to do when you get off stage is do it again.

Yeah.

And again, there's something about it.

It's a little kind of million-dollar baby where you're all beat up and you're going, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy.

Sean, now Sean tried, and you guys have probably heard a little bit if you listen to the podcast, but Sean tries Stand Up Once and he had a great opening.

You remember his great opening?

Oh, it's the best.

Let's hear it, Sean.

It's not that quite everybody loves a tong story, but

you love it, John.

They say doing ballet is one of the most difficult things you could ever do.

Right.

So I say just don't do it.

End of joke.

That's it.

That's it.

That's the kind of logic I do.

I like that kind of tail-eating logic.

You can use it.

John, you grew up in Fairfield, Connecticut.

Yes, I grew up in Fairfield, Connecticut.

Yeah.

You grew up in Whiplash.

Yeah.

Your mom was an English teacher and your dad, a high school principal.

High school principal.

So, I mean, what?

Like, did you feel like you had to be on your toes all the time with your grades and learning and all that?

I had a very nice kind of hybrid of right brain, left brain growing up because there would be like,

if you had a question about a word, the dictionary would come out at the dinner table.

Oh, really?

And you would break down what that word was.

But then I would also go in my room and kind of escape from all of it and just play guitar.

And if you put both those things together, it's very good for being a singer-songwriter because you've got the left brain, right-brain thing going.

So I hear things when people are talking to me.

I know what's wrong with all of the grammar they're using and I just let it go now.

Does it drive you crazy?

Does it still drive you crazy a little bit?

There's a couple ones that drive me crazy and it's number and amount.

Do you know about number and amount?

No, tell me.

I'm going to change your life forever, and you're going to annoy all your friends.

It is a number

of people.

It is an amount of butter.

So number refers to a quantifiable substance.

A bunch of singular things.

Yes.

And amount is the opposite of that.

So when you hear amount of people, it is technically wrong.

Number of people.

Number of people.

And when you're talking about it.

What if you hear someone say number of people?

To me, it's like music to my ears.

What about punctuation with texting, emails, things like that?

Periods go inside of the quotes.

Right?

You know?

Exactly.

Commas go inside the quotes.

Exactly.

I believe question marks go outside the quotes.

There's a book called Heath, Shoots, and Leaves.

You said, no, they don't.

It depends.

It depends.

If you're relaying what somebody else said, right?

Hey, what?

Then it would go in.

What do you think?

If you're asking, did she say this?

Then it would go outside.

Right, but then it's not a double dash for the quotes.

It's a single dash because it's somebody else's.

Right.

If I'm writing,

I will actually do several layers of quotes, so I'll use the single apostrophe for the quotes inside of the double apostrophe for what was so sad.

So I think it's beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing.

Yeah, so not all heroes wear capes.

But are you one of those cool texters that uses acronyms and the kids' text?

No, you'll write a goddamn sentence, right?

And you'll punctuate it.

You'll spell check it, and then you'll send it.

I have one pet peeve.

Yeah.

Which is

when people use hung for when someone was hanged, it's hanged.

And

that comes in handy a lot.

Well, because he searches it on Google all of it.

Do you have that, John, where you feel like the urge to correct?

I will tell you, I have a rule.

I have a rule.

If I feel like it will help them and they will appreciate that help, I'll do it.

And I'll have a way of saying.

There's nothing wrong with you saying it to me.

I think you'd want to know and I want you to look so you can you can judge it Here's one that's that's just a real busy yeah when I'm looking at an Instagram caption and someone says they were honored to be a part of something but a part is one word a part which is the exact opposite of what they're saying right right right that one is bonker right

or what about or what about when you're sending a text the send button is not a period you know create your paragraph send that don't just keep hitting send at the end of every sentence

because then my phone goes

I feel like someone died.

This has been about a year and a half to two years now.

I promise we're going to get back to the show.

This became, listen, we're on a hot streak.

This became a kind of vernacular where people would say, I mean,

not for nothing, but we should.

And it's cool if you have that text open.

Yeah.

And if you're watching something and it keeps coming down, or if he's trying to show a video of people getting hunged.

There aren't alerts.

Then you would just see it coming down and stuff.

And so now just write it all.

I put paragraph breaks in it.

Take your time.

Write it.

Get it together.

And then alert me to what you want to do.

Well, at the same time, it does make it more conversation.

I'm not here defending that, and I'm not guilty of it.

But I will say

there's also nothing worse.

You're the absolute worst.

There's nothing worse than getting six inches of text from somebody.

Like, oh, fucking, here's this story.

You know what I mean?

You would love my texts.

I bet.

Can you tell me?

I bet.

I'm looking forward to texting with you.

Try me.

Try me.

I'm ready to start a friendship with you.

I'm saying it officially right now in front of everybody.

I'll never be uninteresting.

No, I saw you at the Mets game the other day.

I'm like, well, we can go to baseball games.

You can teach me how to play guitar.

I know this is sort of like the We Never Hang Out Dave thing you're doing, but I would hang out with you and get you a deal on Smartless Mobile.

That's great.

We'd love to get you on.

Yeah, no, listen, I would love to have a Samsung phone.

That sounds very exciting.

He's kidding.

He's kidding.

You can get it.

I can't wait to have red bubbles.

I'm John.

Why are your bubbles red?

I'm on Smartless Mobile.

It's not true.

It's not true.

It's all blue.

It's 5G and you're on the T-Mobile network.

Anyway, John.

Anyway, John.

Smartless mobile alert.

Sounds like you don't want a free fucking phone.

I just love the idea of being on.

Hit me up on.

Like you guys have to start integrating it into your casual conversation.

You should hit me up on my smartless phone we did it we didn't have to

we didn't know that sean was going to drop that to be honest yeah it was fun it's fun

and we will be right back

this episode of smartless is sponsored by our friends at ashley the brand actually made our live event stage feel kind of like a home while also supporting incredible organizations like four others Earlier in the episode, we mentioned their donation to Four Others, a nonprofit doing very, very, very important work to end the child welfare crisis in America.

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And through working with Ashley and for others, we learned that 90% of children in the welfare system will experience severe trauma.

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This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by Skinny Pop Popcorn.

And yes, it's exactly what you heard crunching backstage at our live event at the Avalon.

I will say there's something kind of

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No fluff, just it's just got the good stuff.

It's deliciously popped, perfectly salted, light and airy.

Kind of like me.

I feel like I'm kind of light and airy.

I'm like a human skinny pop,

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We had so much skinny pop.

They were a sponsor of the show, and we had so much of it everywhere.

We were kind of silly with skinny pop, and the guys went a little bit crazy with it.

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This season, Starbucks is delivering handcrafted beverages made to inspire you to enjoy the summer season to the fullest.

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And now back to the show.

So you're from Connecticut, and I remember I was in Atlanta once.

JB and I spent a couple of years there, not together.

And I was listening to a radio station driving to work, and then you were talking to the people, and you knew these people on the radio.

I guess I missed the first.

You had a real connection to Atlanta at the start of your career, is that true?

Yeah, I moved down to Atlanta when I was

down to Atlanta, moved away, I left Berkeley College of Music after a year, moved down there with a friend, and just started writing songs.

No way.

Love the way and going for it.

I had a friend who was from there down in Snellville, Georgia,

where everyone is someone is what they say down there,

which is really nice now when you look at it that way.

And so I moved down there and we started writing songs and I just

21, 22.

But didn't you start writing in high school?

Yeah, I started writing songs.

And you were like a gas station person.

I was at a gas station.

I was writing songs.

I was writing songs in math class.

I was just saying that I was a single person.

See, that blows my mind that, I mean, it's so rare to have that gift at such a young age to be able to use the English language, then put it to music, and you just happen to be an incredible songwriter, and you knew this at such a young age.

Did you know while you were pumping gas at the gas station?

Did you have enough belief in yourself to know that, oh, this is just temporary.

I'm probably going to make it someday.

Everything, yeah, I mean, everything that I was looking at was in my way.

And

there are kids out there who feel this way, and my heart goes out to them.

They're not being punks.

They're acting out in class, but they're not being being punks.

They already know.

It would be like going to a restaurant and the waiter is reading the specials and you go, I know what I want.

I don't want that.

I just want the burger.

And they're telling you about it.

We take the lobster out, we cook it, we put it back in the shelf.

And you're like, I know what I want.

And it was very, it was, that was actually one of the hardest times of my life was to have to be 15.

When I knew that I wasn't 15, I wanted to go do this thing.

And it was really hard.

I love that.

I love the way you put that.

So then when did the damn break when was it like yes finally i'm getting some traction they're playing my music or so i went to berkeley college of music when i was 19.

i took a couple years off to hone my chops at the mobile station but by the way let me also say whatever job you have be the best at it on your way to where you're going be the best at i became assistant manager at the mobile station i remember seeing the interview did you go there with like

employer once like 25 years ago 30 years ago i remember that i got a pager just be great at whatever job they give you because it's more fun to be great than to like suck at it and say you don't want to do it.

Just ace it for fun.

Right.

You know?

Right.

And I would go to like mobile management meetings.

And I remember, I'm going to tell a story.

It's very similar to your style.

I was sitting at a meeting in a convention room with all of these mobile managers.

And there was a woman who was giving a speech to all the mobile managers.

And it was called, Give them the pickle.

And it was all based based on if you're working at a deli and someone comes up and says can i have an extra pickle don't charge them for another pickle right give them the pickle that's right that's a cool lesson to learn from pumping gas and makes up for how stupid you are that's always been your money too right

give them the extra pickle give them the pickle yep

and if they don't and if they like it give them the second one for free so

so uh

how old were you so wait how old were you when you actually picked up a guitar and what made and was it really back to the future You're like, I want to be Marty McFly?

Yeah, I saw Back to the Future and whatever that thing was, which was that moment of like

come up and you know, like that always meant something to me.

And then I would like go to tag sales.

We called them tag sales in the Northeast or garage sales.

And I'd buy, you know, guitar.

I had my mom buy me a guitar for like $2.

And like the first four guitars never had all six strings on them.

But then I'll never forget the day I had a guitar with all six strings because that was all of the strings.

And then I could really go off and running.

And I just

saw the geometry of the thing and I went, got it.

And it wasn't that I knew how to play the guitar, but I knew how I was going to.

And I just so quickly went and took things like rocks from the don't know it pile and put it into the know it pile.

But it wasn't because I worked harder.

I just looked at that thing and I went, I got it.

Did you self-teach?

Did you just like start making noises?

I'm lucky.

Anyone out there, if you're going to give your kid a guitar, don't give them lessons for like a couple weeks.

Just go looking, go looking around, play around.

Because I still see the guitar neck the way I did when I first looked at it.

And then I started taking lessons.

And then the guitar instructor, they used to cut it in half, 30 minutes.

It'd be 15 and 15.

The first 15 minutes would be learning from the book.

And the second 15 minutes was like, bring in a song.

And the guitar teacher will show you that song.

And before long, it was just all bring in a song, and it was all show me everything.

And I could just, I'd go home and I'd come back and I'd do it.

I'd go, give me more, give me more.

You just loved it.

And I loved it.

And then, I know, you're trying to get me to taper it down with this story.

And I'm almost done.

No, no, no, no.

I'm just, I'm not going to get to a commercial until you do the past tense.

We do the past tense left ahead.

Sean, were you like that with the piano?

Honestly,

I went through the phase.

I started at five years old, literally came home from kindergarten.

My mom was like, do you want to take piano lessons?

I literally said, I'm not doing anything else.

Why not?

And she lived across the street, and I started taking piano lessons.

And then as I got older, all the adults in my life kept saying, gosh, you know, you're taking piano lessons.

I wish I would have stayed with that.

I wish, or violin lessons or whatever lessons they took.

Over and over again, all the adults would say, I wish I stuck with it.

And so I turned that messaging.

I turned all those regrets into motivation.

and so i was like there must be something to that if i wonder if i just stick with it like everybody's saying they wish they did it might pay off and i might get respect for it because they gave up on it so i don't know why tonight

yeah yeah

yeah i have adorable

having

connecting with an instrument is like the it's like flying Every time I've tried to teach myself how to play guitar,

I can't get past how much it hurts my fingers.

I know.

So I stop every time.

It hurts.

You'll watch a series for nine episodes because someone says it gets good on the tenth.

Yeah, right.

The things we'll stick with and the things we won't.

I know.

But also, you have to get a guitar that's set up right.

Sometimes people's first guitars have been in attics and stuff.

Do they make soft strings?

They make soft strings.

My 14-year-old's here.

He's up there and he started playing bass a couple years ago.

Now he taught himself to play guitar and he's making music in his room.

You knew that.

I told you that.

Abel, where are you at, Abe?

He's up there somewhere.

Bass strings, that's easier on the fingers.

Those are bigger strings.

It's like a gateway drug to guitars, in a way, right?

Bass.

I mean, sometimes it's whatever the band is.

Sorry, buddy, I don't mean that.

But it's all about whether the guitar is set up right.

You're going to pay for that later.

It's only four strings, too, right?

Yes.

When did you start having panic attacks?

Oh, my God.

Boy.

Smooth.

Because

I had the worst post in the history of the video.

So listen to me.

Because I had them.

I 20 seconds ago.

Yeah.

Because I had them too.

And then I get AFib, which is cardiac arrhythmia, which you have.

I have as well.

And how do you know when you're in it or no?

Is there a doctor in the house just in case?

I have so many.

They both seem like they're ready to pop.

Yeah, because I had to go to the emergency room a lot to get cardioverted.

Is that what you had to do?

I didn't have to do cardioversion.

So let's just get super esoteric here.

When I was 17,

I had AFib, a parasystemal lone AFib.

Sure, sure.

And

I got out of it with a digitalis.

It's an anti-rhythmic guy.

Yeah, I tried that, doesn't work.

Got out of there for me.

And

it's not fatal for most people.

It is a slight risk of stroke.

That's right.

But it's just a nuisance.

Right.

And it keeps me honest because I'm on a daily, I'm on Fleckonide, 50 milliseconds a day.

You talk to the TV at home.

This is, you have to be.

I wave goodbye to the ladies in the view.

I'm like, goodbye.

As they say goodbye.

Wait a minute.

Me too.

I tried fleckonine, but then I just take it as needed.

Yeah.

Okay.

I take it because I have lots of PACs or pimatriatrial complexes and

hundreds a day if I'm not on fleckonide.

And sometimes I'll take imitoprolol, which is a beta block.

I'll take 50 milligrams of metoprolol.

You say metropolol, yeah.

This reminds me of a TV show idea I have.

And it's about a doctor who's a vampire, but he never went to medical school.

He just lived so long that everything under the sun happened to him.

So he just knows everything because he's lived like 800 years.

And he's always trying to break in to drink the blood.

I mean, we have that.

We have the blood thing.

He's always sneaking around at different floors.

And

I really think I hit it out of the park with the name just Dr.

Vampire MD.

And like just come out with it.

And I think if you're driving down sunset to go back to wherever you guys are, you know, on the west side, and you see a lit up sign over the saddle wrench that says Dr.

Vampire MD that you'd be like I would check that out

absolutely I would totally will you write the theme song yes wait why don't you have hair on your arms

simply

the worst this is the absolute

simply worst than all

the worst

Sean and I have both lost the hair on our on our shins from socks

I just noted naturally I I used to make fun of Jeffrey Tambour for that, but he was like, You wait, you'll get old enough, you'll lose it.

So, you're saying you lose hair on the legs?

Yeah,

like on the inside, I got hair, outside, like a like a biker.

Yeah, I'm not a very, I don't, I don't, I can't grow a beard, I'm not very

hairy and alabaster all the way, yeah.

You know, very smooth.

You and I are smooth, yeah, we're smooth, we're smooth jazz, yeah, yeah,

whose body was a wonderland?

Oh,

I had that.

I can I can tell you, and I think I've told people this much.

It was your first girlfriend.

It was my first girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

He's mocking my answer.

The worst

mocking answer.

I've never had anybody mock an answer.

I would have sweetened it up, put something in you hadn't heard.

No, it's okay.

Sorry, go ahead.

My first girlfriend.

Get to it, Mayor.

Get to this question.

It's a total setup because you asked me the question.

Actually, what you're doing is making fun of him for for asking that question.

That's right, that's right, that's right.

But I did have on here, you have a high-profile dating history.

Do we talk about it or not talk about it?

Here's why I don't want to talk about it.

And that had to do with it.

I would talk about me if it related to me.

Sure.

But I am older now.

It's been a very long time since, I mean, I have my own situation from that.

I stay inside the house.

Aren't I a good boy, America?

I'm not dating anybody.

Aren't I good?

Are you single right now?

I'm a single person.

I'm a catch.

Would you like, do you, do you have, do you have dreams of being a husband, a father?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

But it's not easy.

It's not easy for John Mayer to date.

In all seriousness, like, what are you going to do?

Like, it's, it's tough

to meet people.

No, but I'll tell you, it's very good.

It's a very good filtration system of selecting who's right.

So

if it's not easy, then that means when the right person comes along, well, then that's easy because of how not easy it is until you meet the right person.

But let me ask you about what's right and what's wrong for a girlfriend versus a wife versus somebody that you might have a child with.

Are you looking for something different now than you were, say, 10 years ago?

Because they're one and the same.

I would not date someone if it didn't have the upward mobility of becoming a married person.

Right, so don't marry a girlfriend, perhaps, said differently.

But I don't understand.

Wouldn't you always marry your girlfriend?

Well, I do.

I think there's a difference.

Explain it.

Well, I think.

You know what they say?

Never marry your girlfriend.

Well, but

it feels like

they never said it.

This is going to be good.

Hi, Amanda.

You know what they say?

Hi, Annie Girl.

They say, be friends with your best friend.

John, let him keep digging, please.

Babe, should I put the shovel down?

Oh, no, I do think that.

Do you guys come in separate cars?

No, damn it.

But, you know,

you might make a choice to date somebody that you think, ah, well, this would be a fun girlfriend that

doesn't really have legs to go a distance.

All my girlfriends have had legs.

It's something, I mean, I...

Good for you.

Good for you, dude.

Yeah.

So far, I don't discuss

standards, you know?

It just happens to be.

I'm not looking on.

But Jay, keep going, though.

Laugh it up, jiggles.

You're on a...

Are you on a dating site right now?

I'm not.

Every girlfriend would be a potential wife at this point.

I am 47, which is.

Oh, you're young.

So at this point.

You're older than 47.

Do you still think 47 is young?

Is there something about 47 compared to 63?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is young.

Yeah.

So

45.

But

it's so however difficult it is is how easy it will be to identify someone who's right.

I think that's how I look at it.

Well, yeah, with age comes, you know, the ability to reflect on your past and not repeat the same mistakes.

So when you enter a new relationship, you are hopefully wiser and all of those things.

Can I tell you something, and then we could be really honest?

Please just say it's all a fucking crash.

I'm very well-behaved.

I believe

I'm well-behaved.

Like, I really care.

I've developed really the best parts of me.

I'm very well-behaved.

I treat people really well.

I'm honest.

I'm sincere.

I'm not sarcastic.

And I don't know that people know this about me.

And so I think that when people come into a dating situation with me, they think I'm going to be snappy and quick and sarcastic, but I'm not.

Like,

really well.

Well, listen.

You guys are really giving yes and a run for its money out here.

But I'm very well-behaved, and the thing is, like, you have to be well-behaved.

Was it always that way?

No.

Okay.

Because you're a rock star, and if I'm a girl thinking about dating you, I think, well, this could be a challenge.

Yeah, I mean,

see, hell hath no fury, or like, maybe not.

Nothing is worse than someone who believes they're doing right and they're not.

Like, that's

most assholes in dating are such assholes because if they would pass a lie detector test that they mean they're good at being assholes.

You can mean well and be terribly misbehaved.

And that's the kind of trap you get.

This is call her daddy, right?

Yeah, yeah.

This is where we are.

So I am very well-behaved.

And this is, I've never articulated this before, so forgive me if it sounds strict.

I expect good, like great behavior turns me on.

I've fixed like wattage and I'm not saying anything about what's good behavior general high wattage Hollywood zing it at you kind of thing that was interesting when I was young and now like Fucking being well behaved is the hottest

What's your version like like like like good sleep hygiene table manners

If if you you know what I would say it is responding to insecurity in a sincere way.

Yeah.

Amen.

That's good.

But I do well the ability the bill the ability to be vulnerable, too, is a big thing.

And that's what you get when you get older because you don't give a shit.

You're like, hey, this is who I am.

So what ended up happening, you're right.

But I think that younger people need to get a head start on being more vulnerable.

Being sarcastically invulnerable and apathetic is a really good healing mechanism to get over the past breakup.

It is a great way to get over somebody is to go out with your girls and take a couple pictures for your dating site.

You're like licking a knife.

You know, whatever.

I get it.

I get that.

But you can't carry that into your next.

I fear that there's a generation of people, men and women, who have decided to come into relationships in a very inflexible, sarcastic way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vulnerability is the shit.

Yeah, it's the best.

Leave yourself so vulnerable that you could die if someone said the wrong thing to you.

Yeah.

And just die a thousand times and drive home and do all those farts in the car

and get home and go, well, we tried.

I know that's the route to a quicker, better thing.

Just be vulnerable.

I want to get to your career because I have tremendous...

I do.

I want to get back to my career too.

I did have something about the sleep that you take magnesium baths.

I don't even know what that is.

Where did you get?

It's magnesium baths.

Sounds good.

Are you late for something?

Are you in a rush?

No,

I don't want to overstay our welcome without anything.

I heard you got this in Chat GPT and you would say, Chat GPT, are you sure about the magnesium bath thing with John?

And it would say, you're right.

I can't find exactly where I found it as a magnesium bath.

I tried looking.

I love what Chat GPT is like, fuck, you got me.

Yeah.

All right, we don't have to talk about it.

No, so, but I do have, speaking about being vulnerable, if I can be vulnerable with you right now, that I do have,

from one musician to another, tremendous respect respect for you.

I do I just think I know so many of your songs.

The first one, you know, the first one I think most people knew you from is I wanna run through the halls of my high school.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah, I love that.

I love that song.

Anyway, and then, but go back to me, you released.

I love

it funny that like

singers who also just talk, but that you know the whole time they're talking they could be singing?

Yeah.

I always, when I was younger, I would watch people and be like, that guy's talking, but he's also singing.

And I feel like sometimes I want to show people, it's like, this is me talking, this is me talking, this is me talking.

I'm kind of moving into singing now.

I'm kind of moving into singing now.

I wanna run through the holes,

but now, but now I'm coming back into talking, but now I'm talking again.

Now I'm talking again.

But at any moment I wanted to, I could go, what's to bring me down?

But I can talk again.

Yes.

But I can talk again.

But here's the thing.

Is that weird?

Yeah, I'm going to ask you if, I'm going to ask you to sing at the end of the show here, and then you're going to feel really uncomfortable.

Wait, are you in a, are you in a question?

Because I want to ask you about

your

musicianship.

That's what I'm going to say.

So

when you joined

dead and company.

Yeah, I'm making sure you didn't say Grateful Dead because I feel bad with.

So

I'm not a Deadhead, but I've loved the Grateful Dead for many years.

I've only gone to like, I went to like 10 shows, but I'm not a deadhead.

But I watched you in an interview talking about learning the songs and how quickly you learned all those songs.

It is bananas.

Can you tell us a little bit about that process if you guys don't know it?

Yeah, so I was falling in love with the music of Grateful Dead, like falling in love.

If I hadn't joined the band or met Bob Weir and Mickey Hart and Bill Creutzman, I would have just fallen into that anyway.

And it's actually funny, the way I met them was through a mutual friend, Don Wuz, Wuz, producer extraordinaire Don Wuz, who said, come up and I know how much you love Grateful Dead right now.

Come up and meet the guys.

And I was just telling them how much their music meant to me.

And they were like, what do you do on March 7th?

And so I was like, wherever you need me, because they were looking at putting a band together.

So it was really fascinating because as I was falling in love with the music, I would just learn how to play it on the guitar.

And I like, I made a binder.

And the binder had a bunch of, you know, the tablature or sheet, you know, whatever the manuscript paper was.

And I would just write the song down, and I would just do a song a day, but I was in love with the song a day.

So I would just, I took like six months off and learned how to play those songs.

But I mean, it's how many songs is it?

I mean, it's I mean, I think we played like a hundred and fifty songs.

It's fucking incredible, and he learned them.

You learn them all like in a short amount of time.

But you do this with lines, Will.

Yeah, it's a little bit different, man.

How so?

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't look at it.

I say that too.

I say with lines, it's like singing.

Because if you do a play or you have to do the same lines over and over again, you have to do the same lines over and over again.

You have to do the same lines over.

It's like a song.

The geometry is already there.

It's not like I have to make a new map for every song.

And I'm already visualizing where the music goes anyway.

So it's kind of, it's easier than you might think to just place the, think of it like a corkboard with like index cards or something.

You go, okay, those are there.

Or like dancers who can have like a two-minute thing and someone can go, take out that step in bar 12.

And they can just, it's like it's it's an innate language and if I had to learn how to do it and I it wasn't in me I wouldn't be able to do that are you are you one of the musicians that did you ever learn how to read music or no but I could read a chord chart but I can't read music that's amazing yeah

but if I had I don't know that I would have even used that skill that much in pop music

you know you've written like

so many songs there's by the way I love what is it called All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye.

I love that song so much.

Which Which album was that on?

That's on Battle Studies.

And it's funny because

as a writer, you can put a song out and then kind of get down about it.

Oh, I think it's kind of this.

And then years later, you listen back to it as someone who wouldn't or couldn't write that song today.

And so you hear it for the first time.

And I heard it for the first time not long ago after years of...

not listening to it.

And I was like, oh, this is very nice.

But

when you listen back to it, do you remember where you you were?

And I don't mean necessarily physically, but where you were, what it meant to you in the moment.

You're like, oh, like when you hear a lyric or you hear a certain note that you hit and you go like, oh yeah, I remember why I did that.

All of it.

There's an emotional connection to it.

All of it.

It's very deep as I get older.

And it really is.

And I'll tell you why.

I don't know how to deal with it sometimes because I'll listen back to things

and be so

and this is not arrogance because I'm not the same person.

I can't do that anymore.

Like, you're not the same person you were when you wrote letters to boyfriends or when you wrote in your diary.

So I can look at it preserved in amber as this thing.

And

it's very deep.

It's very, but profound because

I appreciate it.

I can't believe that I did that, but I'm not that anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It doesn't belong to me, even though everyone would say it does.

I go, but those cells that made that thought and the person I was when I was that vulnerable or I was in that particular way and I didn't understand the world.

And I want to be able to say, hey, that's my song.

But I listen back to it and there's a sadness to not having it.

It's really hard to explain.

But then, John, they have a relationship with the song.

When you see it, when they enjoy it, or they say, hey, I really love that song.

It really spoke to me.

I was going through some, you know, I was going through a breakup or somebody in my family died or whatever.

And they have a different emotional response to it.

How does that hit you?

That's great.

Whatever it is to someone else, it's great.

And I'm at that age now where people

have lost people they used to go to shows with or people they used to listen to the music with.

And it makes you more, it's such a deeper connection for people.

It makes up for the times people go,

you were my high school crush.

This happened to you.

You guys, yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you go, you happen.

Oh, oh, this is the one.

This is the one.

My 14-year-old self is freaking out right now.

Yeah, right.

And I go, so you're not.

And the version that did is no longer here.

And you're here representing a former verb.

But we're all in.

Do you feel like

you're in a better place now than you were back then to write songs and music?

Like, do you think you're better now?

I bet you are.

Great question.

Thank you.

Better.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

This is actually, it's, yeah,

I could help anyone with their song.

I could help anyone make their song better because of the just pure experience of trying to write every song or every type of song that's ever existed.

Right.

It gets harder to write as you get older, but you're better when you do.

And the reason it's harder to write is because you begin to answer the questions that you've had your whole life.

And you you should you shouldn't live in a constant state of like raw nerves you know and so when I was younger everything hurt and and I could write and I wanted to know why does this hurt I got to get this out and as you get older you have wisdom and you've you

understand why and you help other people who don't understand why why something's happening and you can tell them what's coming up the road so music comes from wanting to understand what's going on and the more you understand what's going on the less there is to write but when you catch one, the more experienced you are at like putting spin on the ball, baby.

Have you ever written a song, though, that's been like really emotional, and then you've had somebody important in your life, and they hear it, and they're like, hey, fuck, are we good?

Like,

is that about me?

Is that about me?

Like, what the hell?

I thought everything was cool.

We went on vacation last week and I was listening to the radio.

Yeah,

it happened to me one time.

Really?

And were they right?

Was it

good questions will get the right answers?

Because I can't.

Yeah,

I had a song called Perfectly Lonely, and at the end of the bridge, it was like something about I have to thank the love

that went wrong to lead me to a love so strong.

And she said, Am I the love that went wrong?

Am I the love that went wrong?

And I had to be like, No, you're not the love.

It's just a song.

That was the only time I think anyone.

They were.

But for the most part, I'm actually very.

Yeah, I mean, that's how she knows.

And though it really was, it really was the love that went wrong.

For the most part,

my songs aren't bitter.

I don't write songs that are like, how dare you songs?

What's that?

What did you say?

Oh, Heartbreak Warfare.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Except that one.

No computers.

Isn't this amazing?

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's so much fun.

But I need to tell you, I'm freaking out that you're singing in front of me right now.

It's really cool.

Speaking of which, what's that goddamn piano doing on the bottom?

No, I had one last question before I.

If you want me to play something, I'll play something.

I know I said I would.

Yes, I do.

I do.

Obviously.

But before that, before you get it,

last question.

Let's say you could form a super group of musicians that are alive.

Who's in it?

And what's the name of it?

Alive.

Okay.

Great answer.

That is good.

I mean, so to me, my hero, like, like real, okay, there's people you say they're your hero, but there's people that you just lose it around.

and to me

Eddie Vetter

love him.

Yeah, like you got to understand like you can play any people play so many different things on a guitar There's I should say there's only so many things you could play in a guitar his particular way of dropping in yeah, yeah, so I would just want to it's a selfish thing.

I'd want to be next to him making music.

Yeah, yeah, and luckily I'd put people in the band that probably already played it.

I put Steve Jordan on the drums, put Pino on the bass.

Yeah, I love that.

You know, I went because I obviously I knew you were coming on because you're my guest today, but I went bonkers with nerves because I was practicing a couple of your songs because I wanted to play with you, but I can't because we've been rehearsing.

No, no, no, I can't.

You have to because I didn't rehearse.

No, no, I don't know the chords and all that.

But, but, um, I mean, I need sheet music.

I can't read fake books and chord search.

So, but if you weren't going to play, I was going to bait you by playing something myself, but I'm glad you are, so I don't have to.

So, please, would you indulge us and play something?

I just have to remember it yeah it's very nice of you John yeah it's very nice very nice of you

oh my god there's so many can I play anything I want yeah

I want to impress you you're the you're you're the one who brought me in you're the one who sent the email well I I like

I wrote all those great questions I love that one I love all we ever do is say goodbye I love all the hit I love the first one I can't remember the name but I know all the words I want to run my holes in high school oh no such thing yeah I mean but you probably don't want to play that.

I don't know.

I mean, it's.

Could you?

Let him play what the hell he wants.

Yeah, play whatever you want.

I want you to play what you want.

I'll tell you what.

You call it out.

I'll play a little bit of it.

No, no, you play it.

You pick.

You pick.

See, gravity would be nice, too.

All of the olives.

Yeah, play all of container.

All of continue.

Medley.

Medley.

I know I'm at the age of doing a medley.

I'll do a medley.

If you want.

Yes.

All right.

Hold on, let me just load it up in my head.

Okay.

Alright, okay.

Yeah!

It's not a silly little moment.

It's not strong before the calm.

This is the deep and dying breath of

this love that we've been working on and and on.

Can seem to hold you like I want to.

So I can feel you in my arms.

Nobody's gonna come and save you.

We put too many fast alarms.

We're going

down.

But you can see it soon.

We're going

down.

And you know that we're too

mighty.

here with

slow dancing in a burning room.

It's too good.

The clients just keep going on this song

I was the one you always dreamed of.

You were the one I tried to draw.

How dare you say it's nothing to me?

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness.

You be a bitch because you care.

Oh, you try to hurt me just to hurt me.

So you leave me feeling dirty.

Cause you can't understand.

We're going down.

Yeah, you can see it through.

Ah, we're going down.

And you know that we're too

night in

with slow dancing in a dining room.

And I'll sean.

In other words,

I guess what I was trying to say with this song

was:

Was all we ever do is say

goodbye.

Oh, all we ever do is say goodbye.

All we ever do is say

goodbye.

All we ever do is say

goodbye.

All we ever do is say goodbye.

All we ever do is say

goodbye.

All we ever do is say

goodbye.

All we ever do is say

goodbye.

Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condescendingly.

Take a scene,

take your life and plot it out in black and white.

Well, I never lived the dream of the prime kings and the drama queens.

I'd like to think the best of me

is still hiding in my sleep.

They love

to tell

you

sleep

inside the lines

with something

better

on the

other side.

Everybody,

I wanna run through the halls of my high school.

I wanna scream at the top of my voice, I can't see that.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world.

Just a lie, you got to rise above.

I just can't wait till my tenure reunion.

I'm gonna bust down the double doors.

And when I stand on these tables before you,

you will know what all the time was for

everybody.

John Mayer,

thank you so much.

What a blast.

What a blast.

Awesome.

Great.

Well,

great job, Sean.

I gotta say,

great job, Sean.

Great job, Jason.

I mean, I think

Belicia.

Where is he?

Where is he?

He's up there.

He's in the back of the theater.

I love the Jay Mayor.

I think Scotty might be in trouble, huh?

I mean,

that I did this photo?

Well, no, I mean, you guys had a real connection.

Yeah, you and John.

I love that guy.

He's so nice.

Isn't that Jay Mayer?

What a talent.

And I saw a bunch of you guys mouthing the lyrics too.

Like, you didn't know he was coming out here.

You're big John Mayor for him.

Yeah, I love that.

I like what he said about vulnerability.

I think more men should be more vulnerable in the world.

We talk about that a lot.

And I think he's a brainiac and a sweetheart and a good person.

And I hope he finds love because he deserves it.

That's right.

There's a bucket out there with phone numbers.

But I love that song, one of my favorite songs.

I know it's great sounds.

So very good.

Do you remember the name of it?

All we ever do is say...

Bye!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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