"David Spade"

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Hey, Will.

Hey.

Oh, you ready to laugh today?

Yeah, you ready to laugh today?

Yeah, ready?

One, two, three.

Okay, go.

Welcome to SmartLess. SmartLess.

SmartLess. Smart.
Lattice. Smart.
Lattice. Smart.
Lattice. Hey, do you guys eat seafood? Last night, Scotty and I went to a seafood place.
Oh. We went to, yeah, it was right up the street.
Oh, are you asking if we did too, by chance? Yeah. I had a bite of fish last night.
I actually went out to dinner for the first time in a very long time last night. To a restaurant? Yeah.
The four of us went out to have a little family dinner, and it was very, very pleasant. That's nice.
Well, now, see, I went to the place I went to. You have to show a faxing card.
You have to show ID. You don't have to do that in L.A.
when you go out, right? No, we didn't have to show any of that stuff. We should have.
Well, we were eating outside. I wonder if that matters.
But you had to show it there in Chicago? Yeah, and then we had the, I got a little, because Will knows I like lobster and seafood and crab and stuff. And then, so it was all in my fingers.
And what i do is i take the lemon and i squeeze the lemon on my hands and then rub my hands together so that it doesn't smell okay and then what and then you dry them off but isn't that you make it sound like that's some special strategy you you thought up isn't isn't don't they bring the lemon to the table for that purpose with the the little cloth? No, you put the lemon on the food.

I don't know that you're supposed to put it on your hands, but I do.

Well, listen, we can ask our mystery guest,

who seems to be a Top Chef contestant,

based on what we're able to see here,

and a male Top Chef contestant, based on the David that was burped out before we got going here.

As a Top Chef contestant.

Listener, usually the mystery guest is a full mystery. But I don't know the last name yet.
You don't know the last name. So let's get right into it.
You'll guess it right away. My mouth is watering.
Well, throw some lemon in there. This guy is one of the funniest in the biz, period.
Makes me laugh a lot. I remember seeing him on SNL when I was a kid and everyone would imitate his characters.
He's been on not one hit sitcom, but two hit sitcoms. How many people can say that? I was a huge fan of his latest talk show.
So many movies, so many animated films, so many TV shows, so many laughs. David Spade.
Wait, what? Wait, how did you guys do that little switch? David, who was in the background going, David! Oh yeah, Heather, you got popped for yelling David. Heather got popped again.
Well, hang on, I feel dumber than I usually feel on this show. Did you guys do a little switcheroo there on your...
No, I just did it before he got on.

Yeah.

Oh, they put top chef contestant.

Okay, so...

That's pretty good.

Wow.

How little...

First of all, David, welcome.

I want to say welcome

because nobody's said it yet,

so welcome.

David, welcome.

David, welcome to the Little Chef.

Secondly, I want to say,

and I don't know how you feel about it,

about Sean saying,

I used to watch him on SNL when I was a kid, so that feels terrible to begin with. I was a kid.
What do you want? Listen, I was so locked into the lemon squeeze story that I don't know what we're talking about now because why did he bail on that one? Yeah, stay tuned. Sean's like, guys, before we start, I've got this story about a lobster and it's fucking crushing wherever I go.
So let me just go with it. And then it feels like it's tapering down i'm gonna bring on spadoodle it's a real handy tip he's figured out with shellfish what i i was thinking david that the other day jason and i played this pro-am golf tournament and i was up to tee and i was about to see off and they had all these kids like volunteers and this guy goes not kids these guys and whatever this guy goes as i'm about to you off he goes well Blades of Glory.
It was my favorite movie when I was a kid. And I just stopped and I went, I was an adult when I made that.
Yeah. And how old are you? You look good.
Wait a minute. I'm almost 52.
Wait, David, just to clarify, what year did you start SNL? So I can say I was a kid. I don't even, you know, I don't know if we should talk numbers, but it scares off fans.
Let me think. I think SNL was 91.
I was 20. But David, you have been...
Cue plummeting ratings. But David, you've been very funny and actively funny, i.e.
employed for a very long time, and that is quite the gold ribbon in this. That's hard.
Yeah, that's the hard part. Yeah, good for you.
Yeah, for so many years. But wait, I want to go back to the seafood because I always see you at that seafood place that you and I go to on La Sienega.
Is that story as a two-parter? Yeah. No, there'll be more.
Barely a one-parter. Wait, what seafood place? Stop I always see you at that.
Stop saying seafood.

Okay, sorry.

It's so generic.

Yeah.

Hey, have you guys ever eaten seafood?

Did you guys eat seafood last night?

It was like, us?

No, we all didn't sync up on that one.

Wow.

Here's my, I'll go first with my seafood stuff.

This is the best podcast ever.

I know.

I was like, geez, that squeezing a lemon was like a car chase for that store.

What restaurant do you guys, do you guys sometimes? I always see you at Koi. We always go to Koi.
I do. You know, Sean, I've seen at Koi.
And we've never bought each other dinner and do that old funny trick. No, but I'm open to it.
Yeah, I'll do it. I'll start.
Wait, wait, wait. Koi's a sushi restaurant.
Stop calling it a seafood restaurant. Well, fishes are in the ocean.
Everything's really a seafood restaurant. So it's spelled K-O-I, not C-O-I, right? It's not like some sneaky little date place called Koi? I always go, you want to go eat some sushi? And Scotty will go, Oh, Koi.
Oh, you guys are so cute. No, but all kidding aside, one time I got food poisoning there.
Oh, nice. But we can't say that.
We got to cut that out. No, you didn't hear what he said.
Say it again, David. Food poisoning.
Oh, food poisoning. No, I actually love koi.
I used to go to koi back in my wet days. When it was cool.
Well, I mean, it's still, that's my question. It's still there? Is it still bumping as the kids used to say? You know, it was always bumping, and then it had a certain heyday with, like, Craig's and a lot of cameras out front.
And now that it's not, it's just still a good restaurant. It's the best.
But it's not always a commotion. Is the Stinking Rose still across the street? That's down La Ciena.
That's further down towards Wilshire. What about Ed DeBevick's? Is Ed DeBevix still up and running? I don't know.
He live in LA. Ed DeBevix was on Melrose 18 years ago.
No, that's way down. You're right.
What about Flippers? Do you guys ever skate at Flippers? Are you thinking of the Sonic in Austin? I'm thinking of the place that used to be where the Beverly Center is now built. Oh.
Oh, no, that was the Odyssey, the Odyssey nightclub. No, you know, I do a lot of La Cienega.
There's a Nobu on there. Yeah, there is.
A lot of nice restaurants right there. You ever do a Fogo de Chau? Sean, I would think that you would like Fogo de Chau.
Hey, watch the language, please, Will. No, but somebody, a friend of mine just texted me last night a new documentary once again on the food industry, And now she's a vegan because of it.
Some new documentary that's out on Netflix. So she's like, I went shopping.
I'm not buying meat anymore. I watched a documentary on Netflix about food.
And it got me to go vegan for six months to try to drop my cholesterol. And so I didn't, all I had were plants for six months.
My cholesterol dropped a single point. Oh, wow.
Really? Not enough. So you're back on meat.
Well, yeah, either meat doesn't matter for cholesterol or I've got some chronic cholesterol problem that it can't be fixed. And there's limited time.
You look pretty healthy, though, because you're always pretty skinny and ripped. All you guys are pretty skinny and ripped.
No one's really lost their shit. Well, that's nice of you.
Have you spent time with Bateman, like, in a meal situation? It's like a supermodel trying to make weight. Like, he's counting.
He's annoying the waitress with, like, you know the L.A. thing of, like, I'd like to order this, but here are my conditions to my order.
Meg Ryan ordered. Oh, shit.
But it's so funny. If you put a brownie in front of him, he'll inhale it.
That's the truth. Yeah, exactly.
I just don't order it, but I will eat it. The only thing, I've heard that you guys are all three at Aniston's house in different rooms.
That's not true, is it? Right now? We've been living at Jen's house for years. Because I always, well, I see Jason over there, and not to mention Jennifer Aniston on this, but Jason, that's when I was thinking of eating.
I think I've only seen you eat there. And I eat a lot.
I do eat a lot. You do.
And Will, I think I've seen all of you guys probably over there. By the way, David, I keep, I think about this all the time.
Fuck, it made me laugh so hard. A few years ago, I don't know if you remember, we went to some event and we were both presenting something.
I forget what it was. And somebody, there was a guy out doing some bit and it was bombing.
I think it was kind of the point of the thing that was to bomb and that was just like completely bombing and we were standing next to each other uh just off stage and you turn to me and you go he makes you look like a good actor no why would i say that you had me i literally bent over laughing it was so funny it was such a great bird here's my problem i do stuff like that to people I don't know well enough. I like you and I think you're funny.
And I don't know you well enough to start throwing out shitty jokes to you. But I can't help it sometimes because I think you're funny.
So I go, this is like a gamble. Well, I get it because I think that, you know, again, this comes up a lot.
That's kind of a language of love of like burning somebody. Like if it was somebody who didn't give a shit, you'd be like, I'm not going to waste that joke.
I wouldn't even talk to you, or you wouldn't talk to me, but I do that. I talk to Jason a lot when I see him out, because Jason's always interesting to talk to.
And Sean and I went to that seafood place, boy. Oh, wait a second.
I saw him at the seafood place, Black Angus, because they have shrimp. I mean, you do sound like somebody on a cruise ship, Sean.

Oh, there's wonderful seafood at this place.

I mean, what is wrong with you?

You jumped 20 years.

You can eat seafood.

You order fish some places.

Do you know how easy it would be to assassinate Sean?

There are two places you have to hang outside of. Chin Chin on Sunset and Coy.
Chin Chin. By the way, it's so true.
Chin Chin. Every time you're there, you're sure it's 1999.
You're positive, it must be. I met a date at Chin Chin in 2004.
That's the last time I've been there. It's right in Sunset Plaza.
It's got a great location. Hey, do you have a girlfriend now, David? Hey, Sean.
Nice transition. Let's get into the personal stuff right now.
You know, I had a great girlfriend and then... Uh-oh.
Don't bring us down. Yeah.
Don't bring us down. No, she...
She died? Did she have bad seafood reaction? She went in a different direction. She went in a different direction? She went in a different direction? Hold on.
What does that mean? That means she broke up with me. Oh, okay.
Wait, I want to go back to the... Please, anything.
We've only covered seafood, so is that where we're going? Did I ever tell you about the lobster? I think we didn't cover that right at the beginning. Here's a story we're going to cut out.
Sean's going to hate me for saying this. About eight months ago, we flew.
I got a ride with Sean to New York. Sean's very good.
We can skip it in. And we're flying on a PJ.
And I look over and Sean and Scotty have charted the flight. And the flight attendant comes and says, would you like your seafood? I'm not making this up because this is so relevant.
And she comes back with, he's on a private jet. She comes and she serves him lobster.
Jesus Christ. And so Sean starts squirting like lemon on it, whatever.
And he looks over and I'm taking a photo and he goes, what are you doing? I go, this is just insurance. This is insurance.
You on a fucking private jet eating lobster. Which, by the way, never, ever happens.
Like, that was one thing. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, one time, one time. They told the lobster, the good news is you're going to be on a private jet and the lobster's like, oh.
But wait, I want to go back to when you were talking about going up to Will and like, oh, you're a funny person, so you feel safe to take a risk with certain jokes. Like where did that come from? Did you always do that as a kid? Because I think a lot of people, making jokes is risk-taking, especially like in personal settings.
Where did that confidence come from to go, you know what? I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try it.
God, you know what's funny? I don't even know if it's confidence. It it's just at a certain point i feel like it sounds like i'm saying i'm well known but it feels like people expect a certain thing from me even if it's bus boys or people are a valet when they see you for one second they sort of want you to say something that they if they're only going to see one that would be sort of memorable i've seen other people do it because you know i try to be polite i try to be nice to everyone but if sometimes i will joke with people i don't know even if i they if they want me to stop by their table or something just to be friendly and say something goofy about them and then they laugh don rickle's kind of had that same thing like he yeah i mean and i'm not really don rickle's but just the fact they know you from grown-ups or something they want you to just say something and then I goof around with their kids or something.
Right, but like I was walking into this hotel with Kevin Nealon once. This is like two, three years ago.
And we walk right into the lobby and he passes these two girls and out of nowhere he goes, oh my God, we were just talking about you. That's so fucking funny.
It's so funny. It's so bizarre.
He's so funny. And the girls are like, wait, what? I don't even know.
Yeah, that's a fucking funny it's so bizarre he's so funny and the girls are like wait what i don't even know yeah that's a great line so but it's a great but that kind of confidence to just kind of say anything to anybody anytime that's who that's why you think you are like where does that come from it's funny because i'm going to keep not really answering your question but when i was at dinner uh sometimes when i'm with dinner and the ex, actually a while back she would always infuriate her. You guys probably get this.
You say something mildly amusing and they go and they walk away and this girl goes, are you fucking joking? That's C-minus dog shit. And then they bust a gut just because you're on some stupid movie and I'm like, that's the way it works.
And she's like, it's so fucking humiliating, embarrassing. And in fact, you buy into it and you're like, hey, that's a real zinger.
And everyone else is going, that was the worst undercooked shit. And then I'm like, hey, you saw it in the last.
I'm getting applause breaks. At table 41, we're killing over here.
So I sleep with rain sound on my phone and somebody pointed out that it sounds like applause that i need it all night as i'm sleeping yeah that wouldn't be bad yeah i was a busboy and i was bad i was like i would this is this sort of answers your question a piece of it i when i was uh i was talking to everyone as a busboy I wasn't a stand-up yet. I never even thought about it.
I just was like, hey. And the manager goes, hey, don't talk to the people.
That's just sort of the silent guy. Get the dirty shit and walk away.
Yeah, and that's the waiter. And I go, well, maybe I could be a waiter.
First of all, he goes, you don't got the stuff. That's what he told me.
I go, what's the stuff? Fucking my job's harder. Because I have to lean over and get shit.
And the waiter just goes, let me take your order. And then, hey, busboy, do everything.
And then I'll be back to get the tip. Stack and balance.
And when I, yeah. And you lean over and you see the thing in the back that says, to lift, go straight down and straight up.
I've never lifted like that in my life. You're always leaning over, and it's like a 20-pound plate burning hot.
So then I go, it's Father's Day, and it was in Arizona, too. It was stupid.
And they go, the manager gives me the whole talk, and then he goes, and there's a shark on the menu that says, shark, special. And it's in Arizona.
I don't know. And then I don't even question that part.
Could it be further away from the ocean?

Yeah, exactly.

We shouldn't have any fish.

And Sean would hate it.

And so we go in and they go,

this table goes,

hey, how's the shark?

I go, I got a motto.

I don't eat them.

They don't eat me.

Spade, can I talk to you?

I go, can I talk to you?

And he goes, what are you doing?

I go, crushing.

And he's like, dude, what do you not get?

Don't fucking talk.

I go, dude, I'm getting rolling laughs from three tables that heard me.

And then he fired me.

I said, why don't I be a waiter?

Then I can do this all the time.

He goes, no, we all hate it.

What are you doing?

I'm crushing, bro. Bro, I'm fucking, can you see? I've got this crowd.
You're killing my momentum. I need it.
I'm almost to my closer. And then I'd go in the back and just eat everything on their plate.
I was such a little scumbag. Really? You would hear a busboy.
You just have to, that's your dinner. I know I don't have OCD because I eat any food.
I don't even see where it came from. I just get in the back.
I go, half a steak. Like, I don't know if they put a cigarette out in it.
I don't know anything. I just go, I'll take it.
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Our show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey guys, everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty.
And of course, my two besties, Will and Jason. Whenever I have a problem, an issue, I talk to them about it.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash smartless. And now back to the show.
David, what was the audition process for SNL?

Because we've had a bunch of people,

and everybody's got kind of a little bit of a different story.

Did you do it in L.A.?

Did you do it in New York?

Were you doing Groundlings at the time?

I don't know.

I'm going to take this question.

Yeah, you might as well.

I thought you were going to say,

I'm going to take this call.

Can you guys hang on one second?

You know what?

Let's go to the phones for one second. Hello? You're on the air with four idiots.
So I went to, I was doing stand-up and never thinking of being on SNL. And I just got to L.A.
from Arizona and I was getting some spots. I guess who I wound up, guess who I liked that was very funny, Nealon.
He was one of my, kind of an influence because he had that dry delivery, which I never really saw a lot of. So funny.
And where he just runs over it, and you don't even know it's a joke. I'm like, do these people know that's the funny part? Right, yeah.
Even I didn't really know. I go, huh.
He'll come out.

He'll go in my bathroom.

He'll come out.

He'll go totally dry.

He'll go, hey, you got a plunger?

Every time.

Every time he comes out of the bathroom.

When we're on that Lights Out show, we have like a little cactus with all these leaves and shit in the middle of the table that we all sit around.

And then at the commercial, he goes, hey, you going to eat that salad?

You going to eat the rest of that salad? And and i'm looking around like what's he talking about anyway oh yeah and then in the middle of my monologue he interrupts me and goes hey what are you gonna wear tonight and uh anyway so he goes uh so he was very funny and i would watch his act and then then one time I was getting kicked out of the place I was living in, this other comedian. I was renting.
It was some, you know, it's always like a disaster situation. But he was moving back in, so he kicked me out.
And I go, I don't even know where. And then Nealon just happens to go, oh, I'm moving out.
I got SNL. It was way back then, right when I started.
And he goes, if you want to rent my room while I go there, live with a couple comedians and i said oh fuck yeah so uh he goes i'll come back and you didn't even ask who the comedians were because that that that sounds like that's a that's a spicy meatball yeah i mean i didn't even have any choice i just uh one was bob dubak one was a writer and one was dana carvey wow oh there you go dana lived above the garage in like just a room and he had his wife with him. They were living there.
And he was already on SNL. This is like a commune.
Isn't that crazy? Comedy like Manson camp. That is wild.
So I was not known and Nealon was a very friendly guy and then they'd go to SNL and on weeks off they'd come and kneel and would stand the couch but they would tell me snl stories and still never crossed their mind to do snl because i wasn't like a character guy i'm just barely a middle act uh just trying to make sure this is what i'm going to do forever you know because i have to make enough to just go you know check to check i still wasn't making money and then uh i sort of went way back for your answer but but this answer's two and a half hours. Just tell me when it feels...
No, I love it. Okay, so then I...
You can pick it up probably. Yeah, right there it's starting to drag just a little bit.
Right there it dipped a little bit. Yeah, well we can probably trim that out, but...
The thing about comedy... Tangent alert, tangent alert.
So anyway, they come back i i they come back blah blah and then i do the young comedian special that used to be on hbo and there was a like a host would host it and dennis miller was host that's right will have you heard the story and so i'm i got i got listener will's texting i'm texting because i got amy's facetiming about because the kids my't finished his homework. It's an even better story.
Did you let her know that it's our time right now? Or it was the weekend? Yeah. So, anyway, I get an audition because they saw this young comedian special and me and Schneider got an audition in New York.
So that was your answer. i flew to new york and then that audition was stressful was relaxed what did you did you did you want it or not diarrhea inducing yeah i wanted it but i i go oh i yeah i would be honest no it'd be great no characters no idea just like sounded great no plan so what don't you have to do characters for your audition yeah what the fuck do you do you have to do a certain no I did stand up so you just did your set a lot of people just do stand up and now more and more they're making stand ups do characters which fucking sucks and don't you have to do like an impersonation or no yeah I was just scrambling I'm like here's JonBenet I love a parade ba ba ba ba ba ba and they're like I got hired to be a writer and I didn't want to be a writer.
I wanted to be a performer. So then did you, okay, sorry, I don't want to jump ahead, but what did you do? So Schneider and I get hired as a feature.
It's called a writer-performer, feature player. So he goes, this is great.
That's what Chevy Chase did. So you get to write and be on camera, or just write for the first year? Jason's like, we're toward the end? No.
So I get to. It's foggy at the runway.
I go there. Yeah.
And I walk around. No.
So I just get a brown desk and a legal pad. And they just go, this is your week.
But no one tells you jack shit so we rob and i walk around and we see conan o'brien we see i mean the writers are fucking hitters it's greg daniels conan robert smigel jim downey and um you know fucking bob odenkirk and and then and then the cast is mike myers and dana and all these are writing too. So I'm competing against these fucking, and Frank, and, you know, all these writers, and then the cast.
And that's the hard part is that we weren't even trying to get on the show. At the first, I was like, let me just get to read through without my sketch sucking so fucking bad, where everyone looks around and goes, what the fuck? Who's Spade? Because you have to put your name on it, unfortunately.
So they look at it, and they're already like, you know, low expectations. But then, Lauren, you know, you guys have hosted.
You read like 45 sketches at Read Through, and I'd probably write two, which is harder than shit because most of the hosts were about the same look. You know, like, honestly, like white guy like, a little older.
Like, you know, it could be Tom Hanks and Alec Baldwin and John Malkovich and then Michael Keaton. So your sketches aren't so different.
You know, you can't go, oh, it's Melissa McCarthy. Oh, I have a great one for her because it's something we haven't seen for a while.
And she does different moves than this person. And it's always fun to get someone different.
and if you're not a good writer, which I wasn't, it's something we haven't seen for a while and she does different moves and this person it's always fun to get someone different and if you're not a good writer which i wasn't it's really hard to think differently and write for other people which is hard did you watch snl and before you went through all of this like were you a fan like did you have favorite people yeah i did watch it growing up and loved it and that was always like i think people's favorite years are sort of their their years when they were in front of a TV. People say they liked it when I was on.
It's usually when they were watching. Did they say, okay, David, just write for a year.
And if your writing is good, then we'll put you on camera after a year? Or how did they map it out? That's a good question. That was way better than Sean's.
What it was was Sean tried to get in another one before you... He did what I used to do, which is give you a multiple choice

for an answer, which

ends up elongating things. Jason also likes to

answer his own question buried in the question

at the midway point.

We're not journalists. We're nowhere

close to it. Listen, I'm doing a podcast.

I don't know what the fuck is happening. I mean, Dana

talks and I just wait and then I say a joke

and everyone looks like, why are you talking? I'm like, I'm not.

I'm just going to watch. I'm going to watch a little bit.

I love that you guys are doing that together, by the way.

I love not. I'm just going to watch.
I'm going to watch a little bit. I love that you guys are doing that together, by the way.
I love that you guys are two super hilarious dudes. And when I saw that you guys were doing that, I was psyched.
Everyone goes, Smiley is the greatest show on earth. I know.
Do a lot of people sound like that? Well, we didn't videotape it. And I said, I think we should videotape it because my fans are between six and nine years old.
And they like things on TV. They like pictures.
Like YouTube. And so, yeah.
And they like Legos. Sure.
In Hotel Transylvania. So everyone just said, no.
And I go, I only know stuff from my stupid Instagram. I don't even know about podcasts.
I go, oh, that person I followz1. Oh, there's a clip from it.
So I go, how do I tell people I'm on it? They're like, well, that's up to you. I'm like, what? So, well, that's where you come in.
I go, I don't know what you mean. Where do I come in? I can't even show it.
So they said, And I go, oh, Jesus. Hey, David, when you used to do, how deep into doing SNL, you being on SNL, did you start doing that? I think, was it called Hollywood Minute? Yes.
Oh, God, it gave me so much anxiety. I know me too, so wait.
Wait, what is it? Anxiety or give me? No, it gave me so much, because I was definitely on the outskirts of showbiz. Oh, you didn't get hit.
Oh, yeah, in the prime target land. I would watch that just like someone watches a horror film through fingers.
Tell Tracy what it is. So for Tracy out there, Hollywood Minute was this hilarious segment of Weekend Update where David would come on like a Hollywood reporter does on a local news station, and he kind of runs down the status of the business and the status of people's careers, et cetera, et cetera.
Sean, Sean, it was so fucking, do you remember? Oh, no, I totally remember. You do remember now.
I didn't remember it was Hollywood. But it was always the scathing, truthful underbelly of what the true climate was.
It was a baseball bat to the knees of people. Yeah.
Like if any movie didn't open, he would put a huge shine a light on. If somebody's career was plummeting, he'd amplify it.
It was just, it was hilarious. Did anybody ever get mad at you? Did you ever get any? Well, it was always a little dicey because, you know, I'm doing it and then I'm doing it a lot.
I'm fucking horny for it. And then we'd be in the writer's room and jim downey would go you would never do that and we'd throw out jokes and i go i go what about this he's like oh no you're too much of a pussy i'm like think i am you know he's my head writer my boss bullying me to do it and uh because downey was like we all love downey he's the best writer and so and he wanted these jokes you know everyone wants the jokes they just don't want to do them right and i was the conduit to get him out there and so people would come to me and go what have you said and so i start getting you know some didn't always do well but they were more memorable because people were like oh this is back when it was people magazine and that was it so all celebrities were just catered to and so no one was saying anything negative and so And so I'm like, hey, have you seen this fuck face? And everyone's like, wait, what? I'm like, God damn, that movie sucked.
And they're like, so it was probably like 12 jokes in a row. And then I go, later.
And just get out and run and hide. Did you ever joke about somebody that had just been a host or somebody that came on a few weeks later that was a host? I think I did Stone Temple Pilots.
And I go, I just heard their album. I liked them the first time I heard them.
When they were called Pearl Jam. And then they came on the show about a month later, and they said, Marcy Klein goes, Stone Temple Pilots are down there, and the lead singer wants to kick your fucking ass.
And I go, are you joking? She goes, not really, no. But we and i go well don't tell him i'm up here he doesn't know the fucking building i didn't tell him you're on 17 i go well i am on 17 don't throw numbers out and so so she goes uh so she had to calm him down and then i wound up being good friends with that guy who's a great guy scott and um but was just a throwaway joke but i don't get how it like hits him to the bone because he's probably it was one of the first times someone said something like that you know to him which is kind of jokes now seem like old jokes but then they were sort of newer um when i remember one of the rough ones was a downtown jul Brown because she, she left MTV and she was doing something stupid.

And I go, wubba, wubba, wubba, my career's in trouble, trouble, trouble.

And then next joke.

And, and then people are like, God damn, dude.

Oh, here's, here's the bodyguard.

I saw the bodyguard.

It was the weekend it opened.

I saw the bodyguard this weekend and i want my money back but i had a really good high pitch and then uh and even though it was a good movie that was the worst part i just go well the joke sounds kind of funny yeah i mean and not everyone saw it yet they don't know that's the the point of it was it would they were just jokes like if anybody you know if if one of those guys threatened you at valet you're like dude i was just fine i don't know you i'm just making a fucking joke in the moment yeah i talked to chris rock about it because chris rock still does like when he's doing his act and uh you know he's like j-lo she got hit and then her ass came two hours later.

But he's doing it right to them at an award show. And I go, oh, I couldn't do that.
That's too rough. That's too hard.
But SNL carried and still does carry so much validation power that by you in that moment, in that bit, being the voice of SNL, there was you you were either making or breaking some careers to a certain extent. And it was, you could not not watch.
Yeah, SNL does still, you know, people, it's good that it's hanging in there because it has its ups and downs, but there's always something funny. And I wish we had a sketch on Monday you could see online.
You know, there's no online. So you miss it, you miss it for six months until there's always something funny and i wish we had a sketch on monday you could see

online you know there's no online so you miss it you miss it for six months until there's a rerun so well you know what's funny david you get this a lot and i just sort of peripherally uh have seen it over the years you know when amy was on uh the thing where people go like i don't like snl anymore i liked it back when and that's like the most common thing you hear from people and i got to see it and I just call

such bullshit on it because

you know, you know, the very nature of a sketch show is it's never going to be 100% perfect. You know, if you get one or two good sketches of a show, that's a great show.
That's any show, really. That's every show.
And that's the only part that you remember. So all these seasons are much better in the rearview mirror because you're only thinking about the good stuff.
So, yeah, so people go, I remember the good days when it was this. And it's like, no, you fucking don't, you fucking liar.
You have... And they told us we sucked.
Right, of course. When we were loaded up with everybody.
And you guys were loaded and it was amazing. The other thing, David, I've often thought of this.
You came up with an entire sort of joke format which was used and taken and stolen from you for years, which was the, you know, 1999 called and they want their pants back. Right.
Yeah. That is great.
That is like an iconic joke format that you created. I think that was in Hollywood Minute.
It would do different versions of it. It started with...
It's funny. Oh, yeah.
Well, there was one thing when I... Before I did Hollywood Minute, I did it, and thank you for saying that,

because that joke has been bent and beat around for years,

but I love being a part of it.

When I was on Dennis Miller's old talk show, he was my favorite comedian,

and so he had a talk show, but toward the end it was going off the air

so people wouldn't go on.

I didn't understand that people start scattering.

There wouldn't be any sign of trouble. But it was this last month, but they knew it was canceled, so no one would come on.
So I came on, I think, three times in two weeks. Because he had helped me so much get on SNL.
I was like, sure. He's like, Spudley.
I said, sure. But the last time I came on in shorts, so disrespectful.
But I was like, yeah, I got to go to the Beverly Center. I'll be there.
there and so i go over there and he goes shorts bud on the talk show and i go it's called summer dude look into it and uh and then then i when i did hollywood minute i go oh i should do more shit like that that's funny so it was like it's called fashion look into it so it was stuff like that and then in, called him on their hair back. All that stuff.

So that was a point of time.

But even jokes from movies like Tommy Boy and stuff where you look back.

One of my favorite movies of all time. I think some of them hold up.

And some, you know, old movies, some movies, some jokes hold up, some don't.

But some are original from that movie.

Like not just Tommy Boy.

There's a lot of movies where you see it and you go, oh, that's kind of a corny bit.

And you go, oh, no, that's where it started.

Yeah.

When there's a lot of movies where you see it and you go, oh, that's kind of a corny bit.

And you go, oh, no, that's where it started.

Yeah.

When there's anything wrong with my face, it's not so much here.

It's really, you see any red mark here.

Yeah.

We kept sending him back to makeup going, it's got to be redder.

It's got to be so clear.

Yeah. David, who are you hanging out with today other than Carvey a lot that just makes you fucking bust a gut oh uh comics that i hang out with are um kyle dunnigan i saw last night uh who does a lot of impressions weird stuff on his instagram it's still different he's not just a straight stand-up cut theo vaughn tim dylan there's guys i just see Are you getting up on stage lately? I do.
I did a special. I did a special two weeks ago.
This airs in 2023, but I did a special two years ago in 2022 that it comes on. I don't know when.
I'm going to go edit it Sunday, but I did it, and it was hard because I was practicing, and I haven't done one for a long time. The last was on Comedy Central, which not no one saw, but it's just harder to see it's I did it and it was hard because I was practicing and I haven't done one for a long time last was on Comedy Central which not no one saw but it's just harder to see it's I want it on Netflix and so actually I ran into Brad Pitt you guys all know Brad Pitt and uh and uh I never see him but I saw him somewhere and he goes I'm seeing all these specials and he's rattling off all these comedians and I'm like I have to do one just so Brad will see it That was really the impetus.
He goes, you don't have one. Like, I'm not in the business.
I go, oh, God. I've been turning down a lot of stuff lately.
When you go home, you brush your teeth, and you're like, Brad Pitt thinks I'm not in showbiz anymore. He didn't say it out loud, but he was thinking.
He's like, eyes darting around. They're like, who's this fucking clown? We'll be right back.

And by the way, let me just take this for all the young folks out there.

Throw away your smokes, eh?

Because they're not good for you.

Okay?

So if you got any in your pocket,

and I've seen you as I know where they is, right?

Okay?

Crush your smokes.

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All right, back to the show.

David, your talk show Lights Out was,

I just thought it was one of the greatest things

that I ever said.

I watched it all the time and then I was on it with you.

You did a funny bit on it. God, it was so funny.
What happened? Because I thought, this is working great. Surreal, raw nerve.
No, because I don't understand. Now the tears come.
There they are. It's one of the greatest late night things.
Obviously one of the best shows of all time, but that's your words. No, it was a fun show to do.

It was fucking hard to do.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm such a colossal pussy.

I probably would have.

You just seem so perfect for that outlet.

Thank you.

It was a fun show.

It was just four nights a week is hard, but.

Yeah, I always assume talk show hosts have the easiest job in the world,

but I keep hearing it is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Yeah, they try to make it easy.

Like when I hosted Kimmel, they go, you know, that's great. You're coming in in the morning.
Jimmy comes in seven minutes before the show. Why am I doing here at 6 a.m.? Because I don't know how to do it.
They're trying to teach me how to stand and what to say. But I said, I'm sure he's got it so fucking wired that they have to because it's hard.
And it's hard to – the hardest part, like even on a talk show like a kimmel is the talking to the guest part like this to me is easier in a way plus you guys have some help like i have me and dana and it's it's still kind of hard but it's more bullshitty but on talk show it's like that 11 minutes or whatever and you ask questions and you got to keep it entertaining and balls in the air and you don't know much about the person. And you have to tee up the promotion of whatever they're selling.
Yeah, and you got to work this and that. You don't know they're talking backstage.
They don't want to get to your clip, but you think they are. Like when you're a guest, you're like, we're out of time.
I think I brought a, and they're like, all right, next time with David Spence. I'm like, what the fuck? So, you know how it is.
So the Lights Out thing was we went into Corona, COVID. Yeah.
You know, because we're in the third year of our two-week lockdown right now. And they said two weeks.
And then after that, they go, can you just, if we send you Mike, can you do it from home on Zoom? Which a lot of people tried. It was hard to do.
But we did it for a while. And then Comedy Central said, a new boss came in and said,

we're going to get rid of Tosh and Lights Out

and we're going to go more animation and stuff.

So they just did a clean sweep and started over.

And I was like, uh-huh.

So do you want to do something like that again, that kind of routine?

Or do you prefer features or doing another TV show

or maybe just podcasts and touring and stuff like that. Yeah.
A podcast is new and it will, and it's, it's, it's not, it's kind of fun. It's kind of interesting because everyone is SNL related.
It's about sort of has a slant. So some are just old friends and some are people I just know who they are and it's fun to ask them stuff about the show because at least I have some knowledge of it.

But I like stand-up.

Do you enjoy the touring part, like city to city?

Yeah, I mean, I don't bust my ass, but I do like to get out.

It's kind of fun to go to a city and see how much you sell

or what, you know, you do at theater,

and they go, oh, they want to add a night or something.

You go, oh, I've never even been there.

Like, that's fun to go and see who's listening and who's watching and who knows you from what after all this time. Now, are you the type of guy that does a show and then goes out afterwards and gets after it and sleeps till 3 o'clock in the afternoon? No, that stopped early.
That stuff, which is a comics life when I did like the Dallas Improv and I was starting out and I was a middle on the road,

which means you're not the headliner,

but you do like 25 minutes.

It was such a weird thing to not have any rules.

You know, you just go out and you go,

I'm a fucking middle for life.

Yeah, I got hired in SNL, I was still a middle.

And then you go out and headline,

you go, I don't even know, I don't have 45 minutes.

I don't have an hour, but...

So I go out in middle and then you just have to be somewhere. Is the top the best or the bottom the best? Who headlines? A top or a bottom? Sean.
If you're the middle. Yeah, Sean.
Sean? Yeah, Sean, I don't understand this question. No, in stand-up world, if you're the headliner, does that make you the top or the bottom? That's the best thing you can be.
The bottom? What does the bottom mean? Well, I don't know. If you say you're the middle, that's kind of in the middle.
Oh, you're the top. So the headliner would be the top.
Got it. There's opener, middle, headliner.
And they just say middle because you're between the opener and the headliner. Understood.
So you actually call and say, hey, what do you do? You go, I'm a middle. I'm trying to play your club.
And they go, okay, send me a VHS of your act shot on a camcorder somewhere. And then they go, all right.
And so I go to these clubs. I got up to making $1,000 a week.
Sometimes when I did Vegas, it was only $500 a week, but it was 21 shows. And I thought I was king cock.
I was happy with it. Now, you were going out after that, right? Would you go play the tables? Those I would.
And then my friends would come on the road and they go, oh, we got it. So you'd go to a club and what i was getting at is you get a free hawaiian chicken dinner which is like chicken with a pineapple on top a pineapple ring and i'd eat that i'd fucking wolf sean's eyebrows are high right now he's like where there's shrimp could i sub out the could i sub out do you have ahi would you ever do because you've been on two of the biggest sitcoms, Just Shoot Me and Rules of Engagement, that both lasted years and years.
Will I do a sitcom again? I mean, probably. Did you like that? Yeah, I'm not really going after it too hard.
I'm just sort of, started the podcast doing stand-up, and then I had to get ready for my special, which I had to do a little extra stand-up to rub out the rough edges. Finished it, trying to make it.
I didn't want it to be an hour because I think some people don't last that long watching them. But now it's at an hour 11.
I got to still cut it down. And I'm like, fuck, I don't know what to cut anymore.
I like it. It's so gross.
I like my own jokes. It's sickening.
No, but that's great. If things are working, that's awesome.
Right, and then someone goes, Chris Rock Watch, he goes, I feel a special should be 55. And I go, yeah, me too.
Your last one was an hour 31. He goes, I know.
I go, are you saying you're better than me? We all know he is, but I make him say it. Speaking of Rock of rock so you guys have obviously you and rock and sandler and and schneider you guys have all worked together now for like 30 years keep doing movies together and bubble is this something that like i don't know every three years you guys kind of call each other up and go like hey let's let's go do something or sandler the kind of the ringleader and goes like hey it starts with Adam if he has something, but we all just try to do our own stuff.
And then if, you know, the Grown Ups is the one that would be fun to do again. I don't think we can unless we do something like that at Netflix because he's moved over there and that was a Sony movie.
Yeah, but people would kill to see all you guys together again. But it would be fun to do it because, you know, listen, we're keeping the lights on at TBS lately because it's on like six times a day and then it's Grown Up's Two and then it's Bench Warmers.
And it's like, you know, it's just on heavy rotation. People are like, it's Clockwork Orange.
They're like, you will see Grown Up soon. Just stay on this channel.
And now is that, are the stories accurate as far as how great and cozy and comfy and cush those shoots are with all these buddies hanging out in some great location with light days? But you know, listen, Ozark doesn't look like an easy shoot. I watch movies here fucking hard.
We're all playing grab ass. It's a hard, everything looks hard when I watch it.
I look for night shoots in movies. I go, fuck that.
Oh, fuck that. But Grown Ups is mostly daytime.
Right. Which is already a start for people that don't know.
You're like, okay, that's good. And then it's still getting up at five.
But he shapes these things so that it is appealing to him, you, the rest of your friends, as far as location goes. It's an ensemble.
So the workload is kind of spread out and all families get to come correct he was on the grown-ups was where he was really family centric going we have to cut these jokes one was we had gone to a strip club one night he's like absolutely not uh we have to do this and one was this we was just shaving it down and go you're sitting with your daughter who's. That's who I want to come.
So what can they see where you don't go, oh, shit? I said, okay. So every joke was kind of like, let's keep it funny, but let's do different versions because we're going to nail the one that's good.
And when everyone's pretty funny, you huddle up after a take and say, what if you said this? And then, like, I go, Adam, what if you said this? And he goes, you know what? Give that to Rock. And then Rock goes, all right, I'll say that.
And then blah, blah, blah. And someone will pitch something and they'll go, Kevin James will go, I'll say that.
Okay, perfect, go again, like huddle. And then we go back to it.
And then we come in and go, what about this? And Adam would always pepper the jokes around. So you could have cut that movie right, every joke in the movie.
Because every scene, you have one. you have something and he has to give it like but he he gives himself almost the least he he's the main character he's like the Seinfeld and he's like you do this you go off and do that you say that joke gives himself some fun but isn't selfish and then it's still a 5 a.m.
shoot it's still a shoot you know Adam has to sit there and wrangle us when we're all me and Salma Hay and rock are talking over here and schneider's over there and he's like guys guys fucking and then you only have two lines so you get to your line and he goes spade oh shit oh is that me so he's writing he's writing producing directing and first ading right he's such a generous guy right he's incredible and he's good with it and then those wind up being a lot of fun And sure it's work but in the in the work world it's the best way because at least at night you can go eat with someone or at least on the set you can go bullshit with someone because a lot of things you do like i did father of the year after that oh a couple people remember thank you yeah and um it was adam's uh nephew was directing who was new at it and uh he wound up directing Wrong Missy. But that was his first thing.
And Adam goes, do you want to do this? And I think it's pretty funny. I think you'd be good in it.
And I read it, and it was like low budget. I said, yeah, I read it.
I thought it was funny. But it was in the cold.
It was not grownups. It was freezing.
It was raining every single day. And I didn't know anybody.
And so it was a whole different ballgame of like, oh, it's back to work. And you guys have done stuff where it's just work.
And you go and you go, I just got to do it. And then the only joy really is you're doing takes where you think maybe you nailed something funny.
And it started to come together as I shot it. I go, this is pretty funny for me.
And so when it ended, you don't know. It's just, you're shooting out of sequence.
You don't know if it's any good. And they cut it together.
When I saw it, I said, oh, good. I like this one.
Do you, like, from the outside, for me, such a big fan, and you know, we email and we're friends and whatever, but I look at you and I go, SNL, two massive sitcoms, movies, touring with your stand-up. Like, the success is just really huge.
And is there anything left that you, or anything that you haven't really conquered yet in this world that you're like, yeah, if I could just blank, get blank or whatever. Or is it just like gravy? Maybe one more Razzie.
What's the record on that? Is that what you're chasing? Well, Razzie's, the really one that got me was. Do they even still do those? I mean, it's so fucking stupid that they do it and it gets all this attention and they just make up things now.
The best one, which was really. Really quick, David, for Tracy or Razzie is an award for the worst performance or the worst movie or whatever.
Who's Tracy? My sister in Wisconsin. Who doesn't know Shop Talk, so we got to break it down.
Oh, Tracy. Wait, what about the Razzie? Oh, the Razzie is I was in Jack and Jill and I was up for worst actress.
And Sandler was up for worst actor and actress. That's pretty funny.
And I was like, okay, Razzie, you got one funny one in there. Good job.
David, give us an update, a status, all the ups, all the downs about the personal life. I want it all.
I want pets, mates. Just a quick Wikipedia.
How's personal life? Exciting? Boring? What's up with it? We got dumped. We know that.
Oh, really? That he led with that. Yeah.
Oh, right. Jason goes, oh, really? That was toward the beginning when you weren't really.
Yeah. My ram is filled.
No, I moved. I live near Sunset Plaza now.
And then that was in the paper, which is a new thing. Truly? Like a real estate thing here's his house here's how much it costs here's the realtor here's photos of it here's why you can't afford it i just went through the same thing in august and uh i saw your house that's right yeah yeah there you go i saw it and something and i was like look at this fucker and then you know what i did is i would i people by their, no, not on purpose, but I would just think, this is DiCaprio's P de Terre or whatever that means.
And he, first of all, I go, it's $2 million? That's all he's got. That's the first thing.
And then I go, oh, he's got that lamp in his kitchen? Jesus. But then when I sold my house, they go, the most embarrassing thing is they go well this place is uh obviously a tear down i go oh what my beautiful fucking mansion and they're like well i go i have a tennis court they go yeah we'll bring two tennis brackets and some dynamite because we gotta just take it down to the fucking nails and i go you're joking i go i live they go you live, they go, you don't live here, do you? I go, well, no, no, no, I don't live here, Liv.
I mean, I stay here. But I was so embarrassed, they were shitting on it.
And then they go, I go, all right. So I had these five realtors and four were like, it's probably a teradon.
I go, so that makes me sick. And then the fifth one goes, well, okay, if you just leave it like this, you're going to stage it.
I go, I'm going to what? And they go, stage it? And I go, what does that mean? They go, put furniture in here? I go, I have furniture in here. And they're like, well, not this Z Gallery bullshit.
Like, we've got to come in here and, like, clean the corners and get some, like, light in here and some life. And I'm like, what the fuck? This place is, it's unreal.
And they go, and then my realtor's nodding his head going, man i wanted to break it to you so literally all my dreams just crashed i have to stage it so the point is i see these things on these photos and i go they didn't even that's not even where their house like mine looks so different now i don't even know what it is like that's my house okay what my house would be uh so embarrassing if i didn't have the the the taste the taste of the other half of my life going and fixing all the crappy taste I have. Jason, your house used to belong to, you guys bought it from the estate, it used to belong to...
Ernest Borgnine. Ernest Borgnine.
Yeah. Who, by the way, who famously, somebody said, how do you stay alive, you know, live so long? And he famously said, by jerking off every day.
So do you ever have that thought of him jerking off all around the house? Is that true? That's a true quote. Hold it, really? Shit.
Hang on a second. Look it up.
Look it up. That's going to haunt you.
Every room that you go, when you're sitting with your family, you guys are having a nice meal. Imagine him standing against the wall, leaning against the wall with one hand, the other one, he's just rubbing one out.
He's thinking, I'm going to live so long. Black light on the chandelier.
Where was that little chestnut when I was thinking about buying the place? And the word on the street is he's a real squirter. So he's got legs.
So I'm living in a goo shack? It's just goo everywhere. Baby gooade.
And then they, oh, and then I'll tell you this.

Then you can wrap up.

I know Sean's, I got to go.

I got to go too.

Don't worry about that.

So then someone offers me when I go to sell.

It did sell.

This teardown did sell.

Thank God.

But they go, they offer me half money and half bitcoins.

I go, what the fuck? I've heard that, yeah.

I know.

I go, I'm either stupid or dumb, but I go, I don't know. And then they go, we can get you a condo in the metaverse.
I go, huh? What? On a good street? I don't even know what I'm talking about. What? And I go, I'm going to wind up in some shitty apartment in a Ruby Tuesday's website.
I know what's going on here. I'll be way, way away from anything cool.
And they go, nah. So I didn't

sell it for that. I took, I go,

I'm just looking for money right now at this juncture.

I don't

need a file. And they're like, oh, then

we're out.

Oh my God.

NFB, is that

what it's called? An NFB or something like that?

Yeah, NFT. You want an NFT of my house?

Then I keep the house, but you have a picture of it? That's a million. Oh, good God.
David Spade, I wish we could go on and on. You have to go.
I have to go. We have to go.
But it's been such a pleasure. Thanks for making us laugh.
That felt like five minutes. Spade, you're so fucking hilarious all the time.
Yes, you are. One of the funniest alive.
Fucking, every time, just hilarious.

It's good to have a bullshit session with you guys

because it's always a quick, brief talk.

Come over to Jen's a little bit more often.

Be a bigger part of our lives.

Come over to the clubhouse.

Jen's for Tracy is a restaurant we go to.

She always has good food in there.

All right, Tracy. Tracy, I was in, how would she know me? She knows exactly who you are.
She's a big fan. She's a big fan.
Thanks, guys, and I will talk to you soon. I appreciate it.
Thanks, David. Thanks, man.
All right, buddy. See you soon, man.
All right, have a great day. Bye.
Bye-bye. He is such a unique community.
Like, nobody really does what he does, you does what he does you know like i think it's hard to carve out a unique space in comedy and he has had that and held that from the very beginning yeah quick quick dry wit really quick dry and like i said like it really made me double over when he just zero content. We weren't even talking and the guy's doing this bit.

And he literally in the driest possible way just over his shoulder goes,

he makes you look like a good actor.

And it just fucking out of nowhere.

We weren't even, it just killed me.

And I'm like, God, it's so funny, so quick, so dry. It was him being a waiter and the guy going, what are you doing?

I'm crushing.

About the shark, the shitty joke about the shark. I don't eat them, they don't eat me.
That's so fucking funny. So funny, consistently, always off the cuff.
Anyway, you know, he's been in the business for so long. It's not like you forget about it because he's always there, but you forget, like anything, his brilliance.
And you need to be reminded that these people are out there. So, I don't know, he's one of the greatest.
Yeah, I'd like to see him back on something super high profile, you know, whether it's like another TV show or series of movies or like, I mean, the podcast is great and everything, but I want to see him. Yeah, I want to see him a lot more.
That's why I thought that talk show was going to be his thing and work. But, you know, he mentioned the location of his new home, you know, the section of L.A.
that it's in. And I don't live too far from there.
In fact, I live really near. Bye! No one's ever trying quicker to get to the bye than John.
Have a good rehearsal today, Sean. Bye, everybody.
Bye, bud. Smart.
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