R/evenge | Reading Reddit Stories

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Hi, welcome to Sponge Reads Red Stories.

I'm Shane, and today's theme is revenge.

And I'm joined by two people who love revenge more than anyone.

They're plotting it right now.

That's right.

Tommy and Damien.

Hello, Shane.

Hi, Shane.

We're not, there's nothing at all going on.

Don't look under your seat.

Don't do it.

Come on.

Don't trust.

Okay.

Don't do it.

I trust.

I trust you.

And that's step one.

We're in baby.

I don't like revenge.

You don't like revenge.

Yeah, good.

I love revenge, and every Star Wars movie is a great movie.

And that's the episode.

And there we go.

Thanks for watching.

Bailey said if we get our comments up to 10,000, we do.

We get a special treat.

We have a bunch of revenge stories.

I think they're going to range from all over the place.

I know there's a lot of subreds.

There's Petty Revenge, there's Pro Revenge, there's Nuclear Revenge, there's every single level of it, but uh...

I think the petty stuff can be funny.

I'm not a big revenge person in my own life.

No.

It just, yeah.

I'm not either.

Yeah.

I like, I like listening to revenge because it's like cathartic.

Because like, yeah, I don't, I just, I go, oh, I don't, instead of revenge, I go, oh, I'm just sad and I'll just, I'll just eat that up in my belly.

Yeah, you know, eat it up in your belly and then it becomes just like a ball, like a ball of it.

A little piece of you forever.

Yeah, I think it's like a beesor, a bezoar or whatever that's called.

Oh, a beezor.

A bizor.

Yeah, that's like a ball of hair.

It's a bird.

Yeah, that's like a ball of hair that you eat.

It's like a hairball for adult people.

And I think it also has hate in it.

Huh.

And that's the episode.

And that's the episode.

I missed this dynamic.

We're back.

We're back.

All right, let's get into our first story here.

This comes from Petty Revenge.

George.

I stole from a shopping cart.

What was the text that made you do this?

It's a quotation.

It's in quotations.

I do this.

I only do this when there's literal quotations there.

What do you do for italics?

He leans over.

That's emphasis.

So this happened a few days ago at a grocery store.

I was waiting patiently in my lane, and beside me was the priority lane for senior citizens, people with disabilities, etc.

There were a couple of elderly people sitting on the chairs provided specifically for them while waiting for their turn.

Pretty normal setup.

Now, some guy casually walks up and cuts right in front of the seated seniors.

I speak up and say, hey, they're already in line.

And this guy, without even looking at me, goes, I don't see them standing in line though.

Real smug, real dismissive.

The elderly folks looked uncomfortable but didn't want to cause a scene.

So I shut up and I simmered.

A few minutes later, we're still in the lanes and I notice his cart is stacked with what looks like camping gear, such as a sleeping bag, paper plates, marshmallows, instant noodles, a portable stove, etc.

And there it was, a single can of butane gas.

And right there, I saw an opportunity.

And right there I saw an opportunity.

So I killed him.

So I killed him.

The guy is blabbering on the phone, totally distracted.

So I casually leaned over, plucked the butane from his cart, and slid it into mine.

He didn't notice.

He checked out and left.

I paid for my stuff, including his butane, and walked away.

Somewhere out there, this man arrived at his campsite, probably boasting about how smart and quick he is.

And when he tried to fire up that portable stove, no gas, no hot food, no coffee.

Just crunchy noodles and the sweet taste of consequences, hopefully.

Damn.

All right.

I think they could have upped that revenge a little bit.

Absolutely.

Just

that's just like a good social, that was just like a good social move to just be like, ha ha, now you're inconvenienced.

That's a nice revenge.

That's the revenge I can check, Mark.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have bought the butane because it's like stole it.

Like just

time.

I mean, he didn't steal it, right?

He didn't steal it.

He just took it out of the cart as like a, hey, bud, don't be a butt.

If this were like a Disney movie, movie he would have bought it and then turned to like the hungry elderly people and been like here and they're like

they go and they make a campfire right there it's like a land when he like breaks the bread and gives it to the kid like that's what i'm thinking he like breaks the butane gives it to the butane is butane in liquid form it's it's it's get like you light it and it's that like little blue yeah like a little like a like a lighter yeah okay i was imagining the old people lapping it up like a dog

okay um i don't know what the legality is of like taking things from people's carts before you've checked out.

It's not technically stealing.

It's just all within the store.

It could be against store policy.

Like what's stopping someone?

Say me.

Okay.

I'll say it.

If I'm at the store and I'm walking around and I see someone with a cart and it's filled up and I go, you know what?

They did a good job.

I think I'm taking that cart.

That's all the shit up.

That's good.

Wow.

You shot perfectly.

I thought you only guess what happens.

That's awesome.

You could.

What's going to happen?

No, I'm just kidding.

I mean, I feel like you could do that.

I also think, like,

if this was like a weird apocalyptic Mad Nac situation, they're like, there's no butane in the tri-county area.

Like, you're going to have a hard time.

That's when it's rough.

But, like, the guy could have doubled back and realistically been like, I need to stop by somewhere to get somebody else.

He probably realized

that.

He probably didn't realize.

He probably realized he didn't have it.

I know my mom did this once where where this isn't like she left it in the store, but she like

bought a bunch of stuff and then she went to her car, loaded everything into the trunk, and she realized she left all the soda in the bottom layer of the cart.

Oh, so she like accidentally like just actually left stuff there.

Like that happens.

Like we do that all the time.

Did she purchase it or no?

Yeah, she purchased it.

This was in the park.

Oh, so she reverse stole it.

But I've also, I've also accidentally, I think, left stuff at the checkout lane, whatever, you know, or things probably just can roll out of the cart.

Like, oh, my butane rolled out.

Yeah.

No one will miss miss it.

It probably just got out of the cart somehow.

Yeah.

The perfect crime.

Some comments here.

Someone said, thank you for this nugget of petty revenge.

You made the world a better place.

Someone said, nicely done.

He'll probably have to drive or walk from his campsite to the nearest convenience store and pay triple the price if he wants to heat anything up.

Someone said, it was a good story when I thought you were going to tell us you just stole his marshmallows.

This was diabolical.

10 out of 10, love your work.

Everyone's assuming this guy's going to get to the campsite before he realizes.

It's possible because when you do go camping, you buy a bunch of stuff.

You kind of can't keep tabs on everything.

You're also probably not keeping it.

I've never gone camping, but you can tell by the everything about me.

Yeah, but like I.

Based on all the evidence.

Based on

everything, I don't do well outdoors.

But I'm assuming you don't just bring it in the plastic bags.

You're like, hey guys, I'm fresh from all these

camps.

It's straight there.

I would say you're only going to have paper bags and stuff if you're like staying at a cabin or an Airbnb.

If you're doing a campsite,

then I don't know, I guess you probably went through

unless it's like glamping, right?

Where it's like you have a truck or a car.

That is something I have done before.

Yes, that's the one that I'll do.

So

stay in a cabin directly next to my vehicle.

And that counts as camping.

Does it really?

It sure does.

Congratulations.

I'm a camper.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it so well.

Yeah, me too.

With my indoor plumbing and my versions of it.

I had to kill a scorpion in my bed.

That's part of the camp.

He's a jungle man.

Okay.

That's true.

I saw the scorpion.

I like grabbed the like stair banister like whittled it and they're like

it's like

wow i was like i came out to all my friends like wearing scorpion pants and armor i'm like i crafted this oh that's awesome out of the beast i slayed all right so expert camper damien is joined uh joining us um i just thought he was gonna i thought he was gonna steal more i he just stole the butane and he ended there i'm like This guy took advantage.

He is in a lane he should not be in.

And he cut in front of two elderly people who were in in line.

So that's cutting and also disrespecting your elders.

Yeah.

Steal the marshmallows, too.

Yeah.

If I was a witch,

roll with me here.

I would turn him old.

Oh, that would be my revenge.

So that he's where he belongs now.

Right.

It's like, oh, well, you know, you're going to cut all these old people.

I guess you're going to be old as well.

Yeah.

Very simple.

How did I was a witch and I'm not going to be a little bit more.

You're kind of like jigsaw in that case.

What was that?

You're kind of like jigsaw in that case.

A magical jigsaw.

You're like, you spent your whole life cutting people.

Now you will be cut and then you just have a guillotine that he's in.

Pretty cool.

A little butane with a little bow on it.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

Out of reach.

I would have put

a bunch of just like meat smells on his tent.

You would have followed him out to his campsite.

Yeah.

And like attracted like wild animals to his tent.

Attracted a bear.

You're getting ahead of me here.

I would have made meat smells all over his tent.

Then I would have worn a bear outfit, right?

Right.

Because this is in Idol Wild where there's no bears.

Right.

So really scare them.

See, Shane's getting it.

Yeah.

I befriend the bears, learn their language, become one of them.

That's good.

And then stab him in his sleep.

Stab him in his sleep.

Stab him to sleep.

He deserves to stab him.

With a harpoon.

Nice.

And the thing I'm stuck on is make meat smells.

Right.

You know, you just make me smake them.

And our next story.

Yeah, we like, you don't have a pocket full of corned beef at all times, Tommy.

Oh, I don't.

Sure.

It's right there.

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Back to the show.

Okay, buckle up for the title of this next one.

Okay.

This is from a today.

Today I fucked up.

Today I fucked up by playing music for a sex dungeon.

Woo!

Yeah.

Video game soundtracks.

Pokemon red and blue.

I hope that's classical music.

Yeah.

I currently live in an apartment building in Seattle.

Nearby my unit is a man named Frank and his girlfriend, who is quite vocal, thus why I know her boyfriend's name.

Now, Frank and his girlfriend have incredibly loud sex throughout the entirety of Friday and Saturday nights.

Annoyed by all of the sound and trying to find a way to blot it out, I began a habit a few months ago of playing music, singing, playing guitar, whenever they would start doing the dirty over the course of the last couple months.

As an added bonus, I could hear my neighbors yell, sing, throughout the night, so I assumed that my playing was a helpful solution to an unfortunate circumstance borne by all of the other neighbors around me.

However, tonight, I noticed something kind of strange.

They were having sex, per usual, and I began to play music to cover up the sound.

I stopped to drink some water between songs when some of my neighbors started yelling, play!

For some reason though, I didn't do anything for a few seconds and I heard the guy, Frank's voice call out, keep playing or I'm not going to come through the walls.

I listened a while longer to see if I'd heard correctly and they both kept moaning the same thing.

It was at this point that I came to a terrible conclusion.

In my attempts to cover up the sound of them having sex, I managed to pull some weird Pavlovian trick where whenever they had sex, I played guitar and sang.

Thus, whenever I started to play guitar to cover up an original sound, it just added to their voyeuristic thrill and they started to depend upon it to finish.

When I heard my presumed neighbors yell, sing, it was actually Frank and his girlfriend.

Unsure if I was right, I started playing another song and when I finished, they were going as hard as possible.

They were going as hard as possible and moaning heavily, so I figured that I'd assumed correctly.

My neighbors get understandably angry that my music playing has made this neighbor couple have sex.

So then they began to have really rough revenge sex against my wall because they think that I've caused this problem, which I have.

At this point, I'm listening to Frank and his girlfriend and the couple next to my wall, one couple horny and one full of revenge, and all of this was because I tried to save myself from listening to sex in the first place.

Does that count as an orgy?

I think you have to share a space.

You have to share a space.

For it to be an orgy.

Because he's playing music,

which is helping one couple, and the other couple is having sex to piss him off.

It's as close as I feel like.

It's like an orgy during COVID.

Everybody like start at the same time.

Like, everybody start your Netflix at the same time.

Yeah.

With apartments, it's a wild thing of like this, there is a wall.

We are technically sometimes in an apartment, it's like, oh, I'm six feet away from people having sex.

Yep.

Shout out perfect person, Miles Bonsignore.

We were just talking about him.

He had said something about like, you know, noisy neighbors.

He's like, when you realize you're actually like, oh, we're in a community and we're sharing this home, it changes your mind on people being loud and like toddlers running around above you.

And like, it's just part of it.

Yeah.

This, though, this is revenge sex for the sake of noise is a lot of steps.

Like, I was on board with the story until that third part.

And now I'm like,

the revenge sex is confusing.

I'm like, there's a lot, like, you're mad about the sounds.

So you're going to have sex?

Yes.

I was like, all right.

Fine, Buster.

We'll break out of our cold, angry marriage

because you couldn't stop singing.

you revived our dead bedroom because we hate you so much you're a libido necromancer because here we go yeah this guy is making a lot of people come and he's chilling in his room by himself playing guitar dude you gotta market that this guy cannot go play on the metro no

he cannot it's uh horrible turns out he's kenny g just playing like alto saxophone it's yeah

what kind of music you think he's playing to get him it must be good it's gotta be

He's singing Runaround by Blues Traveler.

I don't give a

fuck.

We got 50 copyright strikes just now.

I think it's all Sister Hazel, Blues Traveler.

Yeah, yeah.

A little cake here and there.

Yeah, a little cake.

He's never there.

This is weird.

I don't think it's anybody.

Nobody's revenge is anything here.

This is all just a weird circumstance.

And the neighbors also shouldn't be mad at the OP because, like, the music made it worse.

Okay, we'll talk to the people having extremely loud, primal sex screams.

We have some comments here.

Stream all the weird Al Yankovich, Spike Jones, or other Dr.

Demento type stuff and leave your place for a while.

Someone said you should play the most ridiculous and childish song you know as an experiment.

For example, you could sing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse song and see if they can come.

That's awesome.

Oh, so now we're seeing if they can come.

Now it's like, oh, how far can we go with this?

Let's push it to the next level.

Someone said, do you hear any other sounds like arguing or cooking?

Masturbate to anything you can hear and throw it back at them.

Keep watching Michael Bay films.

I'm almost there.

This guy should not take any of their advice.

I think at the very least, this guy should move.

Like, I know it's not easy, but like, this is not a...

These people are not going to listen to reason.

Yeah.

You're going to be like...

I moved out of an apartment once because of my neighbor.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Because of the sex.

Well, he did have goofy sex where it sounded, I was like, Gorsh.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, you're all.

but no, we got in an argument.

I think I've dropped this lore before.

But he would just be like on the phone and be like, yeah, we need to sell and rear up.

And I'm like, are you a cartoon?

Anyway, so yes, I think this person could eventually move, but that's not, it's not an easy thing to do unless you have two friends who have a room in their home and they want you to move there.

Have you guys ever had these, speaking of just noisy neighbors, with apartments specifically, have you ever had the like stereotypical upstairs neighbors?

Where it's like, what the hell are they doing?

Like, are they, dude, did they build a bowling lane in their living room and they're bowling?

Yeah.

No, it's, it's like fascinating what some upstairs neighbors do.

Where I've had neighbors where I'm like, I, and I, I, I've actually figured it out and I'm like, I'm pretty sure they were working out.

Like, I think they were like doing like an aerobics or like P90X type of thing.

So they're going like, doo, doo, yeah, it was just like a lot of movement.

I'm like, what?

P90X?

My God, I haven't thought about that in the first place.

Yeah, just like some crazy movement going on.

I unfortunately am the upstairs neighbor currently and my not my work we're chill.

We're cool.

Like when the power went out during the wind storm that we had he came and gave me a flashlight.

We're chill.

We're awesome.

But I drop things every day.

I can't stop dropping things.

I'm just a dropper.

I'm a dropper.

I'm a dropper.

Sue me.

So like middle of the night, I have my phone and I'll just be like,

and so I'm sure he's like, what the hell, Tommy?

What do you do?

I'm just dropping stuff.

I only ever had loud upstairs neighbors once, and that was just because they had a toddler.

And like, so any noise I heard, I was like, that's the toddler.

But at the same time, I was just like, I guess I wasn't making memories until like three years old, but I also don't know what the kid was doing because it literally just sounded like,

and it would do that for like an hour and a half every day.

I'm like, is this just your, you just do your runs?

You just do your.

I think that's what they do.

Yeah, and there's a period when you're a little baby where you stomp and you don't walk.

Because you don't know.

You just don't sneeze yet.

Shane does it well.

You do that like Santa?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, that was quite the story.

Yeah.

And I never want to hear it again.

You know what?

I can hear it again.

Let's read it again.

Otherwise, I won't be able to finish intercourse.

There you go.

It just dawned on me that people have definitely had sex to probably every single type of show we've done on Smosh.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Are you kidding me?

Of course.

Background noise?

Just like things happen, right?

Like, I know 99% are driving or they're getting ready for their day.

There are people who probably accidentally, they probably, it's probably by accident.

It's not intentional.

I just mean like, I don't think it's intentional.

Okay.

But

we've made what, a million videos?

That's true.

No, it's possible.

And there's a lot of people watching.

It's the Netflix like, are you still there?

Right.

Do you need to get there?

Yeah, no, I definitely have had dance moms just running and then gotten intimate.

And then I hear Abby yelling and I'm like, I gotta turn this off because it's taken me out.

Wow.

So I'm sure it actually has happened.

It's probably happened.

A horrific thing to think about.

Come right now.

Did you do it?

Did you do it?

Did you do it?

Someone did.

They're like, did you know if you start Smash Reddit Stories 193, you gotta line it for what Tommy says, come right now.

Jesus.

Did you know if you start Smash Reads Reddit Stories right at the 30 minute mark, you can come at the 31 minute mark?

Tommy gives you permission, which makes it great.

Sorry.

All right, moving on.

All right.

Okay.

This next story comes from relationship advice.

Okay.

This is a 25-year-old man.

My girlfriend, who's 24, destroyed my tanks of fire ants.

Oh.

Oh.

Tanks.

Tanks of fire ants.

Tanks.

That's how big tanks are.

He's prepping for something.

Yeah,

that's a large volume of ants.

Before you ask, no, she doesn't have a problem with me keeping ants.

I'm quite sure that's not the reason.

We had an argument earlier today.

Later, I left to get groceries and let her chill out.

Came back, soon saw the state of the ant room, spare, smaller bedroom where I keep them.

Guess I should give a crash course on ant farms so this makes sense.

Most ants.

No,

we get it.

Ant room.

Continue.

Most have two compartments.

One emulates the underground colony with tunnels and chambers where the queen nests.

Then this is connected by a tube to a second part that emulates the above-ground world where the workers go to forage for food.

Hope that makes sense.

So anyway, my girlfriend had disconnected the two compartments, dumped the colony on the floor, so that's soil plus ants, and dismantled the sides of the outworld part to leave the contents all over the place.

I am lucky everything is plastic or there'd probably be broken glass everywhere.

too.

I've had these ants for over two years.

There's hundreds of them.

I have put hours and hours hours of work into growing this colony and crafting their environment.

I know it will sound weird or stupid to some people, but it's my hobby, similar to keeping fish in aquariums.

It's like if someone dumped out your water and threw all the gravel and ornamentals around.

Plus, leaving your fish to die.

Except while I'm sure some of the ants have died, plenty are still alive for now.

They have free fucking range of the entire house now.

I am furious.

Red fire ants are an invasive species that's gained a foothold in some parts of the country.

Luckily, not our part because of the climate, but as long as they're alive, they'll sting any unsuspecting person who comes into contact with them or is walking barefoot.

They can cause serious allergic reactions in some people.

This can be fatal.

Ants are drawn to dark places, so they'll very likely go into the walls.

And don't worry, yes, I've thoroughly alerted the other tenants in the house what happened and how to protect themselves.

This is serious shit.

And my girlfriend could not be fucked to think of anyone else as long as she got her revenge.

I'm just so pissed because I put in so much research, always took the utmost care safely handling them, never even had an accident, and now it's all trashed.

They're loose, not because I did something wrong, but because she went psycho.

But everyone will still think it's my fault.

Let's be real, insects and other exotic pets, especially ones that pose a risk if they escape or are handled improperly, aren't exactly looked well upon.

The owner is always held responsible.

She did apologize.

She said she just got carried away.

because she was upset, but I just don't buy that because if she honestly had no control in the moment, then why were my aunts the only thing to end up destroyed in a really thorough way at that?

She knows it's important to me.

It's not like she just attacked my old books from college or something.

Also, she'd been wearing shoes and gloves.

That tells me the planning was there to not expose herself while exposing me and everyone else.

What the fuck should I do?

I would honestly kick her out over this, but I wouldn't be in the interest of public health because we're obviously quarantining together.

This is 2020.

Wow.

Everyone is hunkered down.

Right now, we're in separate rooms as I am trying to clean this shit up as best I can, and she shut herself in the bedroom.

No idea what to do now.

I'm still in shock she did this.

I'll need to fumigate the whole apartment to be sure they're gone, and who knows when that will be able to happen.

Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness, among nature's wildest plants, animals, and...

Cows?

Uh, you're actually on an Organic Valley dairy farm, where nutritious, delicious, organic food gets its start.

But there's so much nature.

Exactly.

Organic Valley small family farms protect the land and the plants and animals that call it home.

Extraordinary.

Sure is.

Organic Valley, protecting where your food comes from.

Learn more about their delicious dairy at ov.coop.

P.S.

living together for almost a year, dating for more than two, if it matters.

Whoa, whoa.

Obviously, like, I am overflowing with ant farm facts now, and I love that.

And thank you.

We know so much.

And it's not,

she shouldn't have done that.

Not asking, you know, what do you deserve it?

But he didn't talk at all about what the revenge was for.

Right.

And I had that in my mind too.

I'm like, kind of, I'm just curious before we discuss

holistically.

I'm like, what did you, what happened?

Right.

Right.

We do have that element.

Right.

There's the, there's the balance of things.

Ultimately, though, she screwed over not just him, but everyone in the community.

So, like, she unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs.

And it's also revenge on herself.

Like,

you made made your living space unlivable.

You made it and it's the equivalent.

It's the equivalent of like I'm mad at my roommate, so I lit our house on fire.

Exactly.

I said sorry, Shane,

once.

This is crazy.

This is April of 2020, which means they are quarantined.

They are stuck.

And she's unleashed hundreds of fire ants into their

year.

Like you can't get out of that easily and that you're going to get bit.

That's why I can't respect revenge in general is like it's always going to be something that hurts a lot of people and doesn't really solve anything.

Exactly.

Like sucks for the ants, sucks for everybody else.

Yes, like, you know, exotic pets being dangerous.

Like, yeah, it is your responsibility as an owner, but I also have to imagine that there's not much you could have done to be like, I protected it from my girlfriend in case she got mad, and I have a laser grid, and now they're okay.

Like, yeah.

But I also want to know what the conflict was.

I do want to know what he did.

The fact that he's just like, yeah, we just got into an argument over some stupid shit.

So I've been feeding her ants every day in secret.

I killed her family, but she did this.

But she got ants.

Yeah.

But if I'm their roommate, I kind of don't care what he did.

I'd be like, yeah, that's cool.

You unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs into my

space.

That is in the wrong.

I want to make that so clear

for the comments out there.

I'm just so curious.

I'm curious too.

There's got to be.

How do you resolve that?

Do you have to, so you have to fumigate?

He said he has to fumigate, but he's like, I don't know when we can do it because

they truly live with hundreds of fire ants in their apartment now.

I have a personal anecdote about that, actually.

Ant.

Ant.

Well, ant.

And that's the episode every day.

And that's the episode.

Thank you so much for watching.

Okay.

I recently had to deal with a bug situation in my space.

I noticed like one or two little things in the kitchen, and I'm like, oh, this corner I haven't cleaned in a bit.

I need to organize.

It'll be fine.

And similarly, there is a bird nest outside of my window that for the few years I've been in my space, it always like has a new generation of birds coming in, laying a little bit.

It's awesome.

I get to watch the babies like grow and I'm like, oh, any day now they're going to fly.

And then sometimes there's a couple generations per year.

It's awesome.

This time, turns out there's something called bird mites.

And due to the climate, they're now a little more prevalent.

And when the birds go away and leave the nest, the mites are like, oh, dang, we don't have anything to be a parasite at.

Oh, wait a minute.

Look in there.

And while they can't reproduce without birds, they can bite the shit out of you for like two weeks along with your cats so I had to like clear out the entire space

like every like important electronic like get it out of there take care of the cats

it was a nightmare and I tell you that to tell you this they Bed bugs have like a higher threshold than these things.

So these things were fine, but they don't always have to fumigate now.

Now they heat your space.

They bring in these hot air blowers and get it to a certain degree.

So I think they got my space up to like 140 degrees, 150.

Whoa.

Whereas bedbugs are like 180.

Yeah, so like I had a couple of things that were that I forgot that were like candle electronic candles, but I guess still had wax and like

melted everywhere.

They're super dead.

But like, yeah, they cook the bugs out of your walls and everything.

So

you're fire ants, so it's going to be like 300 degrees.

Yeah, they're going to stay home.

They can live in lava.

That's true.

They can.

Minecraft is crazy.

Yeah.

Their relationship sounds like it should not be happening.

No.

No.

Like, no.

At all.

There is never an excuse for anybody at any time saying, like, I was out of control.

I didn't know what I was doing.

It's like, oh, then you're not safe to be around people or in relationships.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's, yeah.

Oh, sorry, I couldn't control myself, so I unleashed poisonous bugs everywhere.

Well, I was putting on gloves.

I was like, I'm so crazy right now.

Yeah.

Comments, I think you've got to figure out the specifics of a general plan to break up with her and get her to move out.

There's no coming back from this, in my view.

I agree.

Someone said, wow, as someone who keeps many reptiles and insects, I would be absolutely devastated if someone destroyed the tanks, let alone endangered by animals.

I know how much time, effort, and care goes into the maintenance of these animals, especially ants.

And I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I don't have much advice relationship-wise, but if it was me, I know I'd want nothing to do with someone capable of such reckless behavior.

Good luck, and I hope you can salvage your colony.

OP said, Thanks for understanding.

Appreciate it.

To be honest, salvaging the colony is not my priority.

I'm upset, but I'm trying to do what I can to keep as many as possible from getting out of the room.

I have had diatomaceous earth.

Diatomaceous Earth.

Diatomaceous Earth on hand just in case there was ever an accident, so I've scattered that and we'll vacuum later.

Lastly, someone said, be glad you are not married and break up with her.

It will hurt, and that's okay.

You will have escaped someone who, in calculated anger, did what she thought was the most hurtful thing she could do to you.

Yep.

Yeah.

100%.

Gauging on how she, I mean, I don't know.

The thought of like just

destroying things things or like there are certain reactions where it's like such a red flag.

This is actually, this is where it goes past the red flag.

I'm like,

it's now the thing

that the red flags warn you about.

I think in any relationship, having revenge against a partner for any reason is like, that's already signed to be done.

Yeah, it should be.

Yeah.

I agree, because then it's like, okay, so we're not partners.

We're not teammates.

We're partners.

We're enemies.

We're enemies.

So, okay, so we're done.

Right.

Yeah.

There's things like that.

I would say this, and then it reminds me of when people threaten divorce or breaking up where I'm like okay, so we're broken up.

Yeah, like like there's just some things that I in my head I've always been like all right, so that's that's the that is the flare gun like you've you've launched it.

We're done trying to hold power over someone.

Yeah

And also since everybody asked diatomaceous earth is awesome.

It is what is diatomaceous earthlet on the ground.

You sprinkle it on the ground.

So diatomes, these little life things that are like not fungus, not plant, not animal, they're these little diatomes.

They are in the ocean, they die, they sink to the bottom and become diatomaceous earth.

So they're like little dead bodies.

They're like little dead bodies, and

they're almost like glass in a way, but they're too small to cut us.

But something like an ant walking over it with like a chitinous shell, that gets cut and it can't hold water anymore.

So it doesn't kill them immediately.

They just die off in a little bit in a non-poisonous way because they can't get any kind of hydration.

That being said, though, it's extremely dangerous to breathe in.

It is bad for your lungs a lot.

So if he's like, yeah, I'm sprinkling it everywhere and I'm going to vacuum it up.

It's like, uh-oh, that's also super bad for you during COVID times.

These people are going to, are these people going to die?

No, I mean, I have some fire ants.

They have fire ants and poison air now.

Yeah, and glass air.

And COVID.

And COVID.

And people on Venus seem to be fine.

Where it rains, glass.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

That drone they sent there only lasted like two seconds, but yeah, it was fine.

Well, we discovered robots can scream.

Oh my God.

Didn't it have like, it had like a

like a camera that had like a diamond lens and it was just like,

like everything like shattered.

It was like terrifying.

Yeah.

I didn't, I didn't, didn't keep up with that new story.

This was like in the 80s.

The Russians sent a rover to Venus and it just like got destroyed.

It had a monkey on it for no reason.

Classic.

Hey guys, I'm here.

Thanks for letting me nerd out about Diatomaceous Diatomaceous Earth.

No, that's really cool.

I remember you telling me about Diatomaceous Earth before.

Just in cool conversation.

That's wild.

All right, our next story comes from Petty Revenge.

She erased us from her wedding, so I'm erasing her from mine.

All things balanced.

As they should be.

I love it.

When my brother got married, his bride, now my sister-in-law, had very specific expectations.

She wanted everyone in the family to wear their wedding colors, and we all did.

People flew in from out of state.

Everyone made an effort to make her feel feel celebrated.

The day before the wedding, she made some offhanded but clearly pointed remarks about how our side of the family never takes anything seriously and she wasn't expecting us to take this seriously either.

The comments made their rounds and feelings were hurt before the wedding even began.

But we still showed up, looked great, and participated.

Fast forward to getting the wedding photos and video.

Not a single photo of our side of the family was posted.

Not one.

In the entire three-minute highlight reel, no faces from our family except a three-second clip of my parents with the bride and groom.

The rest of us, it's like we never existed.

I texted her cordially and asked if she could send me the pictures with just our siblings since none had been posted.

She responded that we never took those pictures.

That's wild because I remember helping people adjust corsages for them.

She doubled down on the gaslighting.

I gave it six months and asked again.

She suddenly had no idea what I was talking about.

Fine, here's where the petty revenge comes in.

I'm getting married in eight days.

I've been engaged for six months and planning this moment since she tried to erase us.

I hired a great photographer and videographer.

What she doesn't know is that the videographer has a secret mission.

Make it look like she's getting all the attention.

Track her, hover near her like she's the star of the show.

She will feel so seen.

And then, the final cut?

She won't appear for even one second, just like she made sure we didn't.

I didn't even invite her originally.

Word must have gotten out because she cornered me at a family dinner and said, unfortunately, I have to work the day before and after your wedding, but I should still be able to make it.

I was so stunned, I just said, that's fine.

The Airbnb is booked whether you're there or not.

So now she's coming.

Ugh.

To cope, I spelled her name wrong on the wedding invite on purpose.

That was my first move.

The video blackout will be my last.

Not asking for advice, not asking if it's too mean.

It's not.

It's exactly fair.

Happy to finally talk about it for you.

Not asking if it's too mean.

It's not.

It's fucking awesome.

I win, shut up.

I win, go to hell.

Comments, disabled.

Fuck you.

I do love that energy.

Yeah.

Not the whole, you know, there's, there's, well, the energy is hilarious.

Okay, I always feel this way a little bit where I'm like, okay, this is your sister-in-law.

So,

wait, so when my brother got married, his bride, okay.

So, this is his brother's wife.

All right, it's like would his brother not be invited to the wedding and that either?

I know, that's where I'm like, okay, like you are also making things uncomfortable for your brother a little bit, too.

And that's close to that.

I'm like, all right, so

you're gonna have to make it so that only she's not in photos, but your brother.

What if your brother has an amazing photo, but she happens to be there?

Like, are you willing to erase that memory?

I guess that's what she did for her.

Look, she's not asking if it's too mean.

She's not asking me.

She's not, she's not asking.

It's awesome.

I'm also curious what anybody else had to say about that to her.

Like if he was like, oh, could we get those photos?

And she's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Aren't all the other siblings curious?

Is it the higher

side of the family?

The brother, I guess, doesn't seem to care that none of his family is in any of the photos, which makes the bride

this sister-in-law sound awful.

Like the fact that she's like, oh, I erased your entire family from the

your family wasn't there.

Like she doesn't seem like she loves him.

History will not remember you in a thousand years.

Okay.

That's also such an intense move to do because that's got to be, I mean, depending on the size of the wedding, that's quite a few people who are getting erased.

It's a lot of work

to navigate around that.

I will also say, this person sounds awful.

They sound like a person who deserves revenge to be had for those who believe in revenge.

It's not real.

I will also say for OP, though, I'm like, your wedding is in eight days, and you seem obsessed.

This is what your wedding is about.

This is all you seem to care about more than you getting married and your husband.

I'm like, 30 years from now, are you going to be like, you know what, I shouldn't have gone so hard in the paint on my brother's ex-wife.

Dropping some wild water.

Because now, like, oh, shit.

Like, truly, like, she might be an ex-wife someday.

And it's like, oh, that person's a distant memory in my life.

But my wedding, I don't have

a lot of photos of because I was so...

now

she sounds like she has a lot of plans going on.

She probably does have stipulations to make sure she gets all the photos she wants.

And then we'll say that she's prom queen and then we dump pig's blood on her and then she's Carrie.

What is it about weddings that make people

weddings are cursed?

What do weddings do to people?

I don't know.

I am every time.

It's like a birthday, but bigger.

I guess

my feeling was so much is I'm like, this feels just like a lot of negative energy on what is supposed to be the most joyous day

of your life.

That's always my take.

Because I'm like, if this person's truly this awful and you're going about getting revenge, is it not better to say like, you're not invited?

I agree.

Is that not better?

Like,

now it puts your brother in an awkward position, but this is your wedding.

This is your event.

But I'm like, this just feels like a lot to me.

You could also just take the pictures and then in post, just separate her eyes a little too far.

Oh, yes.

That is.

Just alter it to the point where she's like, what?

Make her regret being in the photo.

Exactly.

It's that TikTok trend where the filter is slightly on and they're like, mom, look at this new thing.

She's like, I know you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

I've seen ones where the dude takes photos and he just, he edits his friend to just be like a couple inches shorter in every second.

Okay, that's kind of funny.

That's so diabolical.

That's awesome.

Or just like make someone's head just a little big.

Exactly, exactly.

Just a little big.

Exactly.

Just a little bit.

The George Lopez app.

She's got a big head.

The George Lopez app.

But because then you can have your wedding and you don't have to worry about it.

Right.

I mean, you can just do that later.

Yeah, I'm just like, I don't want to be thinking about this.

Like, this is a lot of time and effort.

It is.

You don't have to do this.

It's too much.

Comments.

Actually, you can just instruct the photographer to take unglamorous photographs of her, like her eyes are closed or weird facial expressions and just post it on social media.

If she complains, you can just tell her, well, at least everyone is in my wedding photos.

Someone said, you didn't ask your brother for the photos of your site at the wedding?

I get the petty revenge of not having her in any of the videos and not putting photos of her in the album, but at least ask your brother for the photos.

He likely knows where they are.

Lastly, someone said, get her a vegetarian or gluten-free meal by accident.

Make sure she has a seat facing a pole or something.

Spell her name wrong but differently on the table setting.

Don't give her enough forks or whatever.

Make sure she misses a piece of cake because she's allergic.

DM me for more.

She has mild inconveniences.

She's trying to sell you a course.

She's like, he's petting a cat in a giant dark throne room.

I'll get you, gadget.

Exactly.

Exactly.

My brain just came up with the dumbest joke.

That will cut.

Just DM me for more.

Demi, more.

The substance.

The substance.

Give her the substance.

Give her the substance.

I'm just yeah, what it's so much energy This is the main thing for me about like revenge where it's like yeah, just don't invite her and she's like why wasn't I invited?

It's like oh you kind of were rude to us at your wedding like communicate be like hey it really sucked I don't want you there.

It's gonna bum me out.

Yeah, like that's the revenge.

Yeah, you don't have to be like and then I tricked and then she looked in the door and there wasn't any and like yeah, exactly for the most part like if I'm not invited to a wedding I don't think anything of it right now but that's for the most part but this is her brother's wife right?

Like, you're, you know, the brother's going to get invited, so you're assuming you're going to be invited.

I understand why she probably just, I don't know, this sounds like an awful type of relationship where it's like in-laws that hate each other.

And it just starts from such a petty place.

Like, the in-law, she did something so petty.

I do think it's strange OP is not talking to her own brother.

Her brother seems to be non-existent in this story.

It's like he's a big piece of this who allowed that shit to happen.

Right.

Allowed his whole family to be erased from the wedding photos.

I'm like, and it is the in-law's fault.

Like, it sounds like this was all her directive, but it's as it's...

he should stand up for his own family, right?

I would think.

I'm almost curious at this point if the brother is somehow a part of this.

Like, we aren't given much context, but if the sister-in-law is saying, you know, your family never takes anything seriously, you know, is it not possible that the brother said something to the effect of like, yeah, I don't know, they're like not, you know, filling their end of the bargain.

Like, yeah, they were supposed to book the thing a week ago.

They didn't.

Maybe this, it's like, yeah, your family doesn't take anything seriously.

Like, they could both be pissed and not be giving that information.

Interesting.

That's true.

We don't know.

I,

the last, okay, the petty, I'm going to say something really petty here, please.

Okay.

Whenever I hear about people going at length for revenge things like this, which is just, I'm like, okay, I get it.

Like, I get that this will be cathartic for you.

If someone, if someone I knew said that they were doing something this extravagant, I'd be like, don't ever tell me you don't have time for things.

100%.

You clearly have all the fucking time in the world if you are going on a side mission of this length.

Like, do not tell me you're too busy.

Do not tell me you're like, oh, I have no time lately.

I'm like, you had so much time.

During planning a wedding to plan a side plot.

Like, come on.

It took you a day to text me back.

Like, what?

Hey, remember when you you went at length and you planned an entire videographer to follow one person at your wedding?

You got time.

Text me back sooner.

You can have your own show.

This is some Nathan for you shit.

Yeah, true.

I'm just, that's, I think that's my biggest take on revenge.

I'm just like, I don't want to put, I'm too lazy to get it.

So

I am too lazy to get revenge.

That is my issue.

I think people need to learn to be okay with like not.

winning a situation.

Like, you're safe.

Your friends are cool with you.

Your family's cool with you.

You get to be like, yeah, that shitty thing happened.

What a bummer.

Yeah, I don't get to win that.

Yeah, I'm going to go sleep.

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It's why what I think makes more sense, which I think is the more usual thing, is when people are like, oh, well, I'm done talking to that person.

Yeah.

Cutting them out.

I'm like, yeah, they are clearly, they have no positive intentions towards you.

So that's fair to cut them out.

I do think some people do cutting out as like a form of revenge.

And that's where I kind of disagree because I'm like, hey,

that may not affect them.

They might not care.

Cut people out because they are.

Do it for you.

Do it for you.

And I think this is a situation where I'm like, hey, man, yeah, don't, don't invite her.

And when she courted you, like, just be like, you're not invited.

Or like, if you, you, you succumbed there, fine, but then hit her up later and be like, actually, there's not a seat for you.

Yeah.

But that's, then it's tricky with the brother.

Yeah.

And it's like, I don't know.

Weddings are tough.

I would love to hear the videographer's point of view.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

I'm not going to hear the second one.

No, the one who's been given a side mission to follow her

to specifically videotape her.

That'll cost another $1,000.

I'm not going to freak her out when it's like, hey, this videographer will not stop following me.

He's like,

smile.

I'm in the bathroom.

D's dressed up like a dumpster wizard.

Yeah.

He's like, I don't think he's supposed to be.

Is it like a ghillie suit and a bush?

Oh my God.

Classic, like sulfur bulb of like, what?

Scoop.

Tin-type camera.

Wild shit.

Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole.

Am I the Asshole for not respecting the fancy soap policy in our bathroom and accidentally starting a soap-based arms race?

Oh.

Whoa.

Okay.

So my wife, who's 30, bought this absurdly expensive soap from a little shop.

Aesop.

Probably Aesop.

It's probably Aesop.

That is some fancy soap.

Aesop and his fables.

I know.

It came in a tiny frosted glass bottle wrapped in twine with ridiculous branding like hints of pine, regret, and artisanal disappointment or something like that.

She placed it on the bathroom counter and told me this is for guests.

We don't have guests ever.

Okay, maybe once every two months.

I told her that, but apparently the idea of a guest potentially seeing that we use commoner soap is too horrifying to bear.

So the fancy soap was enshrined like the Mona Lisa, untouched.

Fast forward, I ran out of my regular cheapo soap, which came in a cracked plastic bottle with a pump that wheezed like a dying guinea pig.

So, in a moment of desperation and dirty hands, I dared to touch the holy grail.

Was halfway through using a single pump of the fancy soap when she walked in looking at me as if I was defiling the sacred artifact or microwaving the Faberge egg.

She said I was wasting it and that it's not for everyday hands.

I was pissed.

Then I did the unthinkable.

I went out and bought my own fancy soap, $30.

Grapefruit and cedar, smells like if a lumberjack went to therapy.

I put it proudly on my okay, this Reddit guy is actually pretty good.

It's really good.

They're looking on her type five.

This is a Redditor.

This is a funny Redditor right here.

I put it proudly on my side of the sink.

I declared that this is my new soap and only I have a right to use it.

Suddenly, it's Cold War soap edition.

That evening, I saw over her shoulder, she was searching for more soap bottles on Etsy, like she wanted revenge.

At this point, I now want to invite some guests over to make sure they use my fancy soap and not hers.

Ha ha.

Now she's mad I'm mocking her and says I'm turning cleanliness into a competition.

I told her she started the soap caste system.

I just refuse to be born into the lower class.

She hasn't spoken to me in two days, but I smell amazing.

Tell me,

but I smell amazing.

Just break up.

Just break up.

Our marriage is falling apart, but...

Is this worth it?

We smell great.

We spent $600 on soap this month and nothing is wrong.

Oh my God.

This isn't an Am I the asshole.

It's like this is this worth it?

Like

is this worth it?

Yeah, there's some stories that I read where I'm like, I don't, you're not an asshole, but I'm like, but you guys don't like each other.

It sounds like, I mean, maybe they do.

This sounds, the way he's writing, I'm like, this is

like, you guys are probably all, they're probably laughing about it.

Right.

But he's making this sound like it's more of a sitcom situation.

But

Kevin James.

Yeah, like true.

This is very common in like my family of like having things that that are really fancy and nice that we don't use right it's like oh well that's for special occasions like once a year like I don't know like I I definitely believe in the like when you get nice things you use it right like absolutely this plate is for when the pope visits like he's not gonna use it

yeah

look also soap for me is one of those things where like sometimes fancier is not better like I whenever I go to visit my mom I I I feel bad, but like, she very much shops anything that's like a little greenwashed, where it's just like, okay, this soap is chamomile and natural, and it's a little sticky for some reason, whatever.

And I'm just like, I just need the $1, like antibacterial.

I'm like, I need soap.

Yeah.

Everything I get there, I'm like, do you have sugar?

She's like, we have monk fruit.

I'm like, get some sugar and salt and pepper and soap.

Like, I'll bring my own.

Just none of these things do the thing they're supposed to.

I think also,

I have no, I don't know if I'm right or not on this.

Probably are, but we'll see.

But I think, especially when it comes to things like soap and cleanliness things, it's 1% real stuff, 99% marketing.

So the $1 stuff is probably as effective as the $30 stuff.

It just looks nice.

The ability for soap to bubble and froth is something that they added so that you can visibly see it doing its work.

It doesn't need to bubble.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

I have heard that.

It is a thing.

All natural soap

can just sort of just be.

So like a facial foaming cleanser is bullshit?

I don't know about that one.

I know it's dish soap that does that.

So I'm sure some things foam in bubble natural.

I do appreciate the bubbles because it's kind of like a tracker.

You know, I'm like, okay, that's where I'm getting the soap all over the place.

Yeah, it's also fun.

It's fun.

It's a blast.

I love it.

But no, I'm a believer of like, use the fancy china.

You know, like, I've always felt that way.

I think it's silly to have things that you don't use.

Do you, in video games, get a bunch of items that you save for for boss fights and then never use them?

Because I do that.

I was pretty bad about that with Breath of the Wild for a long time.

And then I got to a point where I was like, no,

I'm going to swap it so I use my best stuff.

And then it's like fun once you run out of all your best stuff and you have shitty things.

And then the game's actually fun.

So it's a challenge again.

Yeah.

So yeah.

And then in Stardew Valley, it's like, okay, you get really, really fancy crops.

Like, you know, fucking use that shit.

Sell it or use it.

Like, don't just hold on to it.

The ancient fruit, you got to turn that into preserves and sell it.

Or even ancient fruit wine to play.

I make ancient fruit wine.

I haven't played either of these games.

You got to play Stardew Valley.

You would love Stardew Valley.

I know, I know.

You have too much of a life and friend.

Okay, buddy.

Cut to me yesterday, like 8 p.m., like, I guess I'll go to sleep.

The day's over, I guess.

All right.

The verdict was not the asshole.

I agree.

He technically didn't do anything that makes him an asshole.

He bought soap.

He bought his own soap.

He bought his own soap.

That is all he technically did.

Do they have a shared bank account?

I don't think so.

$30 is going to hit him hard.

Yeah, $30 is rough.

Comments, it's always heartwarming to see two psychopaths find each other and fall in love.

Godspeed to both of you.

Someone said, I'm invested in this.

Please update weekly.

Add a fancy hand towel and perhaps a little bottle of some kind of freshener your friends might like to dab on after they wash their face.

Beard oil or something for after a meal and maybe a scented witch hazel and some cotton balls and a pretty photo of the forest.

Someone said, Please, OP, put your soap in a clear box with a small lock.

Wear the key on a long chain around your neck.

Dear Lord.

Jesus.

Pass it down to your son Aaron, telling him that he will see the secret of the basement one day.

Yeah.

Then when Shiganshima district is attacked.

Now, this I know.

It's attack on top of it.

Now, this I know.

Yeah.

Our producer, Bailey, has just informed us of something

quite shocking.

So, Bailey, looking for an update to this story, went to OP's page, this man, this

30-year-old man, I'm assuming.

And besides this story, besides this Am I the Asshole story, his page is entirely photos of his dick.

Okay.

Including a gif of him at the beach helicoptering his penis, saying no better place for a helicopter than the beach.

So I'm doubting everything now.

Really?

That makes me believe him way more.

That is the guy that would be like, I'll start a soap arms race.

Yeah,

it's like, hey, man.

I hope you're using that soap, especially if I'm a guest at your house.

I need to know you're using that soap, okay?

Yeah.

Please.

Got to make everything clean for posting.

If you find any sand on the sink, you know he's been making it by the sink.

That's always so funny when you like go to someone's page and it's like, whoa, lower drop.

Yeah.

I remember there was a Twitter post and it was always Twitter.

It was a Twitter post.

This was years ago.

This is like five years ago.

Where it was like this like this guy posted like kind of like an in-cell type of like like

red-pilled kind of post like hating on something or whatever.

And someone quote retweeted it and was like, hey, dude, we can see your likes.

And then you go to his likes and it's entirely Nintendo Rule 34 porn.

Like it was all

Nintendo waifus.

Like that's all it was.

And it was hilarious.

It's like, bro, we can see it.

That's all all it is.

Very funny.

I hope Agumba was involved.

Probably somewhere along the way.

Who do you think took the photo?

I like when they have guests over when they walk out of the bathroom.

It's like,

so you smell like cedar.

Okay.

Yeah.

You made the wrong choice.

What was the first one where he mentioned that it smells like regret?

I think he was being funny.

Regret and disappointment.

And then his witch's brew.

His smells like a lumberjack went to therapy, which is very funny.

Got it.

Okay.

As we know, is grapefruit and cedar.

Yeah.

Good writer and apparently a great dick.

Great.

Yes.

Well, I was about to do this, but I don't think I can ask

you.

It is time for our last story.

Today I fucked up.

This is a okay, this is a true off my chest, but they wrote the title as if it's a day.

Today I fucked up.

Today I fucked up by not flushing a yellow jacket in the toilet, causing my guest to get stung in the balls.

No,

no, no.

So this is revenge because it's the yellow jacket's revenge.

Oh.

Today, to my horror, a yellow jacket got in my apartment.

I got insanely lucky in that when I saw it, it was sitting on a magazine at an easy height to trap.

I thought fast, grabbed an empty glass, and slammed it on top of the thing, screaming internally and praying not to trigger its rage.

I looked around very carefully, but thankfully didn't see any others.

Meanwhile, it had started going berserk in the glass, so I worried the second I took the top off, it would fly out and exact revenge on me.

However, just leaving it under the glass made me incredibly squeamish.

I hate bugs, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to hear the staticky sound it was making, I just wanted it to be gone from my life and to pretend none of this had ever happened to me.

I considered moving it to another room where I wouldn't have to look at it, but I kept catastrophizing situations where it got out.

I could forget it was in there and pick the glass up, or someone could knock it over, or any number of things.

So finally, I, very carefully, picked up the glass and the magazine underneath it.

I kicked my toilet open with my foot, and bam, I dropped the whole thing in there, magazine, cup, all of it, and slammed the lid down as fast as I could.

I didn't want to risk lifting the cup and letting the yellow jacket escape before I got in the toilet.

I had considered trying to shake up the cup until it died or became disoriented enough to be docile, but I couldn't escape the feeling that my dumb ass would lose hold of the magazine and then the motherfucker would be loose and extremely agitated.

I didn't flush, of course, not with a whole ass magazine and a cup in the toilet, but my logic was eventually the yellow jacket would fall into the water and drown.

So I'd open open the toilet in a day or two.

I've got a bathroom in my room and a guest bathroom to fish out the items and flush the bug corpse.

So I recovered from the heart attack for the most part and settled down to watch some TV.

A while later, a friend texted that he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could come over.

I said sure.

We had a beer, watched some Olympics.

This is a good friend, a close friend, not the kind who asks if they can use the bathroom when they're visiting.

So a while into the night, he gets up.

I don't think anything of it because we'd both been getting up periodically to grab snacks, plug our phones in, whatever else.

Before I realized it, it was too late.

I heard the door close and I started to call out, oh hey, you should actually use the other one, but he didn't hear me.

All I heard was a strangled,

then a crash.

And then the door flies open.

My buddy falls out, naked from the waist down, crawling backwards, screaming, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?

and clutching his testicles.

I had to control myself and tap into my more humane urges because with the knowledge that thing was now loose in my not very large apartment all I wanted to do was leave but I had to help my friend up he was in serious pain then we had a real dilemma because he didn't want to put his balls away but we also wanted to get out of the apartment and go into the hall or outside safe from the yellow jacket which at that point was out for blood and could have been anywhere my ability to remain calm in the crisis was not helped by the fact that he was attacking me the whole time he thought whatever had just happened was some kind of fucked up prank because there was random garbage floating in my toilet and he felt felt like he just had an electroshock to the dick.

He was hitting me with his free hand and going, why was there a book in there?

Seriously, what did you do?

That really fucking hurts and so on and on and on.

I told him, there was a B in there.

There was a yellow jacket in there.

And his twisted mind jumped right to my having done it deliberately.

So half naked and I'm assuming still in searing pain, he tackles me.

He's yelling, you sick fuck, why would you put a B in there?

And all this other stuff.

I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's dick from touching me while simultaneously trying to locate the yellow jacket again.

Finally, we realized we'd seen it fly out of the bathroom, so it must not be in there.

And we locked ourselves in and calmer heads prevailed enough for me to explain the whole pathetic situation.

The yellow menace managed to get him in the neck as well, so he was subjected to an overwhelming amount of pain head to toe, but he wasn't allergic or anything, so he was able to get home just fine.

An added awful fucking bonus to this fuck-up of mine is that while I do know how to tell yellow jackets from hornets and hornets from honeybees and so forth, I didn't know they don't all leave stingers behind.

And I was taught that if you're stung, the first thing to do is remove the stinger by any means necessary to stop the transmission of venom.

So I spent a good 10 to 15 minutes massaging my buddy's ball sack until we thought to Google what happens if I can't find/slash remove yellow jacket stinger and learned that they rarely leave anything in the skin.

So it was a painful and awkward night all around.

The yellow jacket is still in my apartment somewhere.

I fucked up the moment I didn't just kill the thing when I had the chance.

Stay safe out there, Reddit.

Can I?

Okay.

Yeah.

Primary,

what's everyone's primary question?

My primary question.

I think we have the central.

There's a lot of questions.

Yes.

The first question I want to ask.

My first question is.

You're so worried about this yellow jacket.

Your strategy is to throw objects into a toilet.

A thing that's not fly.

Right.

And also, when you have a toilet, there's like the actual seat you sit on and then the lid, but there's a little gap between the seat and the actual toilet bowl.

You can very easily climb out.

Are we allowed to say this, Bailey, that this obviously did not fucking happen?

Are we avoiding saying that?

I think you're allowed to say that.

Okay, because there's so many logic things where he's like, I have a very tiny apartment, but I have two bathrooms.

And I didn't want to leave the thing in just the cup because someone could knock it over.

But apparently I live alone and have a second bathroom.

Therefore, I just threw it in the toilet and we'll use the second bathroom.

Like you didn't want to leave it in the cup and go to the other bathroom yourself.

And I'm sure your question, Shane, is, is our guest

going full naked to like piss or shit or something and then didn't look in the toilet before doing anything?

There's that.

My question,

different question.

My earnest question was, I'm like, okay, maybe the stinger was left in his balls.

Why do you have to be the one to massage the balls?

I'm like, your buddy can massage his own balls.

His balls are sung.

So I sucked his penis a little bit

just to try to get him to calm down.

I want to get the venom out.

And then I got to get the venom out.

So he does answer that question.

It's because his

friend is in so much pain that he's like, they think that he doesn't have the vantage point to be able to find

the singer in his ball.

I've never been stung by a yellow jacket, to be clear.

Neither have I.

Is it so much pain that he literally cannot function and cannot?

It sucks.

Have you ever gotten like

a shot at the doctor when like it's a newer person still learning and they kind of hit the muscle and it's got that like twinge?

Yeah.

It's like a bug bite with that.

Like it's not fun.

I was going to say like I thought a bee sting and yellow jacket sting, it's like the sting hurts, but it's not like you're left in writhing pain for hours.

Is it like a jellyfish where you're like

because you feel like, oh, a man of war fucking got all over me?

I'm like, yeah, we need to go to the hospital.

I mean, I got stung on like the back of my knee when I was a kid by a yellow jacket and it sucked, but like you continue on with the day.

I will also say that like when your vulnerable bits get hurt, the last thing you want to do is be like, I'm going to air it out for the more danger.

Like I'm like, you would probably put that back in your neck.

Yeah.

Like you would probably put your pants on and not tackle your friend, assuming they sicked a bee on you.

This feels like what I think happened here is I think some version of this really happened and then he just added a bunch of creative writing to it.

Realistically, he and his friend saw a spider and that's basically

I could see someone trapping a yellow jacket and doing the thing where they throw that in the toilet and like shut the lid.

Sure.

And just because some people just don't make the right moves.

There's also a pressure situation where like you can't just throw an upside-down cup into water and have it be like, oh, it's going to fill right up.

No, it's going to be like boom.

And then the yellow jacket flies out.

Yeah.

And if the yellow jacket is drowning, it's gonna crawl up on your magazine or book or whatever as like a little Titanic situation, but the door is big enough.

Oh, yeah.

Where it loses credibility is he's going around his whole house and I'm like, you didn't go out your door?

Yeah.

You went everywhere in your house with this yellow jacket.

You didn't go outside.

I was just so afraid.

You could throw it.

You could honestly go leave.

If you were afraid to just open it up, I'm like, just leave it.

Leave it outside.

Yeah.

And then some poor person is going to walk by and accidentally kick it open.

What's this?

Yeah.

Oh, free upside-down cup and a bug.

I do that all the time.

Bug on a bathroom door and you go outside.

It takes just a minute.

And if you're so terrified of yellow jackets that you're shaking and you can't do it, you wouldn't forget.

You would warn your friend.

Yeah.

I'm mad about this now.

Some comments.

I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's dick from touching me.

And then I spent a good 10 to 15 minutes massaging my buddy's ball sack.

What happened to your resolve?

OP said there's needless dick contact and there's stop the transmission of poison dick contact.

I sucked it up.

Yeah, this isn't real.

Someone said, is he okay now?

I can only imagine the pain.

OP said he's all right.

Thanks for asking.

He's in a shit ton of pain, but put a call in with his general practitioners answering service who basically recommended home remedies or gutting it out.

And obviously to watch for X, Y, and Z then come in if they occur.

I've been worried, so I checked in on him and his last update was that he was going to try and sleep in hopes it's somewhat better in the AM.

His girlfriend's over trying to trying the home remedies out, so I'm happy to know he isn't having to cope alone at least.

Fingers are crossed for a speedy recovery.

The girlfriend's like, hey, your balls have already been massaged today.

Yeah, your balls look mighty massaged right now.

I was thinking the opposite.

It was like, it's a stupid plan.

Really just like, oh my God, Bennifer, thank God you're here.

Someone needs to massage his balls or they're going to fall clean off and we don't, and my hands are, ooh, they hurt

can you

someone said you are no longer friends war has made you brothers

look

there's a there's a world where this is real I don't know some people are ridiculous say dumb

this guy's definitely dumb yeah after 15 minutes we were like huh and then we found out yellow jackets don't even have honey yeah

no I mean it reminds me of the three stooges episode where in all their antics they end up sucking all each other's dicks

me with that one.

Forget about shemp now.

This doesn't work against a dick.

Oh, God.

For people listening audio only, they're like, what is happening?

Yeah.

I think their imaginations are good enough.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Oh, well,

that's all our stories for today.

That was something.

That was some revenge.

That was some revenge.

Yeah.

Can I share one thing finally about revenge that I feel like people need to know?

Sure.

Yeah.

When people say revenge is best served cold, I only recently found out what that means because I always thought it was just like, oh, you got to be cold when you're revenge.

That's what revenge is.

No, it means wait a minute.

Take your time and plan it.

The meal has to cool down.

Serve it cold.

I also never knew that.

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

That makes sense.

Makes way more sense than, like, be sure to be an asshole.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

All right.

So then the wedding person kind of served it cold.

They definitely served it cold.

Yeah.

Wow.

All right.

Thanks for a little knowledge drop at the end of the app.

Hey, be sure to Google Diet Timacious Earth and tell them I sent you.

Nice.

Use my code.

It's my Google Earth.

Smash mouth.

Use my Google code for Diet Timacious Earth.

It's good band.

Anyways,

guys.

Yeah.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for the revenge.

It was great.

Yeah, it was good to be here.

The greatest revenge was the fact that, you know,

you gave us an hour of your time or whatever.

And like, ha.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, how about that?

For sure.

All right.

Well, thank you for watching.

Hope you had a good time.

I hope you're not needing to get revenge on anyone.

Hope that's not necessary.

And we'll see you next Saturday.

Bye.

Just for a fifth or sixth callback, and that's the episode.

That's right.

I'm going to be thinking about that one for a while.

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