Episode 886 - Becky Johnson

Hi, he's Dave Shomka, and he's Graham Clark.

And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 886 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark.

With me, as always, is a man who will be joining me next week for the Max Fun Drive.

And also, we are celebrating our 17th birthday, Mr.

Dave Shumka.

I might join you.

Oh, maybe I'll just fly solo on this one.

We are celebrating our 17th birthday.

I mean,

last week's episode came out on it, basically.

Yeah.

And so, if we were a teenager,

what would we be?

I was thinking about that.

I was like, they don't

because driving laws are different now.

I bet that there's less like

driving like teenagers in accidents these days.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like it was a big cause of you know every high school had a kid who died.

Yeah, and I don't don't know if that still happens.

Yeah, there was for sure there was a kid who fell out of a truck in my high school.

But you don't need a license to fall out of a truck.

Well, in Calgary you do.

They're very litigious.

But yeah, the

can you know, you have to be older to rent a car.

I was like, can you rent a car at 17?

But no, you have to be like 25.

You have to be like 25.

And even at 44, I don't understand.

I don't know why.

Sometimes it's like $300 for a day.

Sometimes it's $80 for a day.

Oh, my God.

I have to tell you a car rental story.

But first, we must introduce our guest, a very funny improviser, comedian, writer,

one of our faves here at the podcast.

It's Becky Johnson.

Hello.

Hello.

I want to know who your least favorites are now.

Oh, you're not like on the edge of your seat because he might tell a car rental story?

I am excited about that.

Well, let me tell the story.

Okay, well, let's get to know us.

Get to know us.

So, I was trying to rent a car.

When was this?

This was like before I owned a car, so like four or five years ago.

Why?

Because I wanted to rent a car for a weekend and do all the car things.

I wanted to go to Ikea.

I wanted to go to drive-in.

I wanted to go to drive-thru.

Drive-through bank.

Yeah, I wanted to do everything.

So I did it all.

I got Starbucks drive-thru.

I got AMW drive-thru.

You wanted to,

what are the other

car things?

You wanted to

mailboxes with a baseball bat?

I wanted to climb under it and change the oil.

Oh, cruise around on Main Street and Saturday night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yell at Chicas and whatnot.

I wanted to be in a parade.

Be a celebrity in a parade.

So

I was looking around what cheap

Yelp

different car rental agencies.

Because a lot of them are just like a couple guys who have a couple cars and have a desk somewhere.

Really?

Yeah, like outside of the car rental place.

You guys with big hearts car rentals.

Car renting you car.

So there was this one guy I called, and I, when I called him, I had obviously still like I'd woken him up.

He answered the phone like somebody who's just woken up.

And I was like, is this a car rental place?

And he's like, yeah.

And I was like,

what types of car do you have?

One.

I got one car.

It's Toyota.

And I was like, well, how much will it cost?

How long do you want it for?

A day or two?

$700.

I have never heard.

Okay, I have rented many cars, and I've never heard of anything like what you just described.

Well, if you don't want to go with your big, your big.

How do you find these?

Yelp.

Yelp.

Just Yelp.

Yeah.

Okay.

Never trust Yelp.

I mean, at this point, you can trust Yelp if it's like saying like, this is a good Hertz location.

Yeah, that's true.

Like, this is the standard car rental location.

Or like, this place has bed bugs.

Yeah.

Don't rent the cars from here.

They have bed bugs.

They have bed bugs.

That should be my next question to this guy.

Does it have bed bugs?

Oh, for sure.

And he was like, yeah, 500 bucks, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll knock it out.

There used to be a place called Rent A Wreck.

I remember Rent Are Wreck.

Yeah, yeah.

What was that deal?

It was just like they wouldn't get used.

They would get used cars.

Used cars.

And you wouldn't be surprised if you got one that had a dent in it.

Or bed bugs.

Yeah.

They're everywhere.

My friend went to Haida Guai a couple of years ago.

Oh, yeah.

And he rented a car there.

And there's no...

How How do you get there?

You'll fly our boat.

I used to work there.

Really?

But

you can't get your car there.

And it's an island.

You cannot.

You can get your car there on a BC ferry, yes.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Okay, because he didn't know that.

Well, it's also like an overnight ferry that you sleep on.

It's not like down here.

And so he was renting a car and he was like, they say it'll be there.

There's no...

There's no way of guaranteeing it.

There's no website.

It's just a guy on the phone who says says the car will be there when I get there, but I have no idea.

It's like being on an island calling the taxi.

It's like the one taxi.

I

literally live on an island with one taxi.

You did?

Well, I do.

You do?

I mean, part-time.

Pender Island has one taxi.

Really?

Shout outs to Lightning Taxi.

Pender Island.

You got to make your reservations before 10 p.m.

because they'll pick you up later, but they won't take the rezzo.

And if there's a concert at the hall, you got to get in line because there's only one taxi.

Yeah.

How often are you on Pender Island?

About half, just under half the time at this point.

Okay.

Now

you're bi-coastal.

I am an Ontario resident.

Please hire me for Ontario work.

The heritage funding will still work with me in your employe television shows.

Yeah, so we're doing

this episode is going to be all about grants and how, you know, the different loopholes you need.

The funding streams for Canadian television day players.

And also if you want to run a car rental business during the day to supplement that.

Yeah, you can make 700 bucks in a couple of days.

Yeah, I know a guy.

I wish I got his name.

Yeah.

Hey, Becky, were you in a Purdy's chocolate ad?

Yes.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Nice.

You enjoyed a hedgehog?

For holiday, I enjoyed multiple hedgehogs and then spat them out after they stopped rolling.

I'm sure.

That's how it goes.

Are they I've never had because I think they have nuts?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're like hazelnuts.

Hazelnut.

They're very good.

They're very good.

But you're just like, I can't eat four.

I learned from

you guys know Dan Byrne, actor extraordinary Dan Byrne.

I did a previous commercial where I had to eat blue cheese, which I do like.

Graham's also allergic to that.

I'm allergic to that as well.

Okay, well, they checked.

That's why I'm not an actor.

All the roles.

It's all eating.

Yeah.

We're going to have you eating some fresh salmon.

I can't do this wrong.

We're going to have you eating a raw heart.

Anyway, the blue cheese one, they checked so many times with my agent to make sure I actually liked blue cheese because actors will lie because we're all broke and we just want work.

And can you ride a horse?

Yes, and I can speak French.

But anyway, I kind of panicked when I got the booking and I called Dan to be like, have you ever eaten anything?

And he was like, yes, the spit bucket is your friend.

Don't be a hero.

Because the thing is that you could do 200 takes.

Yeah.

Right.

David Fincher's doing this blue cheese commercial.

Does he do many, many takes?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And he's probably a lot of those famous directors like on the sly do ads just to have like and eat blue cheese on the sly.

They're just cameras.

Anyway, so yeah, I did a whole day.

And I will say, having my makeup all pretty and sort of leaning over to spit blue cheese up over and over again all day in the corner of a room does feel like throwing up at a party.

Yeah.

But yeah,

I learned that the spit bucket is your friend because, yeah, you can't just do that all day.

But like, is it a friend with benefits?

Benefits are you're not sick.

Anyway, other dude in the blue cheese commercial chose to be a hero.

He did not look well at the end of the day.

So what was this an ad for a particular blue cheese or was blue cheese just incidental?

Blue cheese was incidental.

I think it was like a PC.

It was like all these different kinds of holiday party thing.

I don't know why they were like, We need to show people eating blue cheese, but I do quite like it, so it was fine.

But I learned from that for the Purdies commercial, but for that, they really got right through it.

I only had to do like four or five takes, so nice.

Yeah, when we do a charcuterie plate, you know, we'll do a your soft cheese, a brie, a camel bear.

Yeah,

we'll do a hard cheddar, and we'll do a blue cheese.

And I only eat the blue cheese.

I love this.

I love blue cheese.

We get a little honey on there.

Ooh, a fig.

A fig, even.

Oh, yeah.

Or like fig jam.

Quince jam.

Ooh, a little bit of japonica.

Pearl jam, right?

Some pearl jam.

Isn't that jizz?

What?

No, no, I have a spit bucket, so I'm fine.

It's wait.

Is pearl jam, does that mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I have a jizz bucket.

Yeah.

When I do commercials,

these

chocolates are going to make you quite a rouse.

Yeah, and so don't be a hero.

Don't go to completion every time.

I mean, you can, but in the button.

You guys are blue comedians.

Yes.

Yeah.

Blue cheese.

Yeah.

Blue comedians.

Blue comedians.

Did you,

like, have you been doing a lot of acting, more writing?

What are you doing these days?

Oh, since 2020, I am terrifyingly unemployed.

How is everyone else doing?

Oh, I have a Rockefeller at this point.

Yeah, we became pandemic profiteers.

Yeah, we had a toilet paper business.

Yeah, toilet paper.

We invested in Zoom.

I was going to say, yeah, what are your hustles?

What are the good ways of taking advantage of people?

We made rags.

So when people were wiping down their groceries, we made a kill.

Yeah.

You bought affordable housing and turned it into Verbos.

That's great.

Yeah.

We're one of the

totally not an Airbnb.

We're a Verbo.

We're a Verbo because, you know, higher class.

You have to rent the whole place.

Just a nicer farm.

You can rent the whole place on Airbnb, too.

I don't love those commercials.

It's like Quizno and Subway, where it's like, yeah, you know, you guys are the same.

Yeah.

So the last five years, interestingly, I have been doing more writing and somehow live theater became a fallback.

So I've been playwriting and doing like live performance development.

And a lot of things also, it's like the funding was kind of there at the beginning of this five-year stretch.

And now I have a whole bunch of projects that have done one phase of development or two and just don't get to be real.

So, there's this wonderful musical I've been working on at Victoria.

I've been working on a new album with Shirley Noam.

Oh, yes.

Writing with the amazing Shirley Noam.

What a dream to write for her.

She's a musical comedian, Juno nominee.

Have you had her on this show?

No, but

Noam.

Because

Shirley Noam is a pseudonym.

So I don't know who would show up.

I only know her as Shirley Noam.

And Shirley's trustworthy in character.

Okay.

Yeah.

I just, oh, look, I don't know how to answer.

Next week,

first week of the Max Fun Drive, we're having Shirley No.

Having Shirley Noam.

She's not in town.

Ah, what the hell?

I'm living at her house.

That was our window.

Anyway, I'm living at her house right now.

But

yeah, so that's what I've been doing.

And then also, this is a really fun, hard shift for me, is working on a collection of poetry.

Nice.

Yeah, so that's what I'm trying to get published now.

Now, what are long poems, short poems?

Relatively short.

But, yeah, the first thing I've done that's not been comedically based because I went through a bit of a scary period

coming back out west and dealing with family stuff.

And I did a bunch, I'm always kind of writing, and I was like, hmm, these don't feel like jokes.

So apparently I wrote a collection of poems.

Oh, if that's the case, then my notes app is filled with poems.

I mean, it obviously, it probably is, knowing your work.

I mean, like,

what we do is not so distinct from poetry anyway.

You know, like, yeah, well, what I do is more like jazz.

What do you do?

What's your job?

You're looking at a bib,

whoa, bib.

Dave, have you ever written a poem?

Yeah, I was a really good English student.

Yeah, they assigned you to write a poem and you could write a poem.

Oh, yeah, and then like in English, like

I did creative writing as well in grade 12 as well.

So nice.

Yeah, I wrote some poems.

And then I took well, and you like made music.

Oh, yeah, man.

Were you into the lyrics writing?

Girl.

Oh, I've heard this one before.

Oh, I know that one.

Get over here, girl.

You always walk away, but you should come over here, my God.

Oh, I thought you were going to say, my God, and you say, yeah, that's really

a spoken word.

That's what that is.

Wow.

Yeah.

So

is there a theme?

to this book?

Is that like all one?

Death and dirt.

Death and dirt.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like being afraid of death or being afraid of dirt.

Yeah.

I'm not afraid of death, I don't think.

I learned that recently.

Tell us how.

Oh, yeah.

Last week

you were supposed to be our guest last week.

I was supposed to be our guest last week, but I didn't feel like it.

Yeah, you didn't feel up to it.

I didn't feel like it.

We were like lifetime ban, and then we found out.

Yeah, so I was supposed to come last week, and instead I had a heart attack and went to the hospital for three days.

That's what I did instead of going here.

And it's not, that's not a joke.

That's what happened to me.

And I was just, I was not, I'm feeling not good.

And

Graham texted the day before you were supposed to come on the show saying, Becky's not going to come on.

She says she's having trouble breathing.

No, that was a day of.

Day of, yeah.

It was, because it was like two and a half hours before I was supposed to come, which, as we know in this line of work, you don't cancel.

Yeah.

Or

try not to.

You really, it's like our bodies are our moneymakers.

Like, that's it.

But it was like an hour and a half before the podcast was going to start.

Yeah.

And I remember, because I was feeling bad like two and a half hours before and was like, I, and honestly, a big part of me was like, just lie down, take a nap and

then pull yourself together and go.

And there was just whatever quality of chest pain I was experiencing, I was like,

you know what?

Shouldn't have come with any chest pain.

Well, I will say, though, that the chest pain I was feeling was like, it was kind of like a bit of a chest cold was coming on and kind of like I'd maybe been doing some heavy lifting, which I had been doing.

Right.

Like I do a lot of manual labory stuff on Pandor Island.

And so it wasn't like,

you know, shooting pains, like, oh, I'm obviously having a heart attack.

Yeah.

It was maybe like, yeah, something's just.

Did it happen over the course of days?

Well, in retrospect, yes.

But the thing that really made me go to the hospital happened, I was, I was, and everyone's like, what were you doing when it happened?

I was lying still in bed reading a book about edible plants of the Pacific Northwest.

I was doing the calmest thing you can imagine.

And I was just like, oh, you can use that root as a tuber?

And then I was staying at a friend's place and like the, it was like the, the fan came on and there was part of me that was like,

because also my, again, in retrospect, I'm like, my brain was being affected by what was happening, but like, I was like, did I get like kind of a chill from the fan that's made me feel like a little bit of a chest cold is coming on?

Is that what happened?

Right.

So, now in retrospect, I cannot remember what the quality, what the flavor of this experience was that made me go, go downstairs and make those people at the gallery on the ground floor here.

Call the ambulance right now.

But I think, Becky, you should do that.

And yeah, so at that point, I was like, I'm having chest pain, so I'm going to the hospital.

And then Graham checked in and was like, How are you?

I was like, I'm, I'm having a heart attack.

Everyone here seems very concerned.

Yeah.

Well, everybody I told jaw-dropped.

People, you know, I did.

I actually, I went through all the symptoms.

That's a symptom of it, though.

Your jaw drops.

A symptom is jaw pain and tooth pain.

I didn't know that.

I was experiencing that.

My teeth haven't been feeling that great.

I don't know.

I grind my teeth.

I feel like that all the time.

Yeah, there's Abby a few years ago thought she was having one because she had been feeling bad and then had looked into

how women's heart attacks manifest differently than men's.

And it turns out she was just drinking some bad smoothies.

But I don't know, given what my symptoms were, just go to the hospital.

Like,

I'd had lower back pain for days and fatigue and kind of a weird kind of thing.

I was out of it, but I was also working really hard and not sleeping very well.

And, you know, like it didn't, it didn't feel

like I was shocked.

Like, when, and they, they, I got an ECG and then they, like, they got me up into this, like, cath lab to put catheters in my body up to my heart so fast.

Like, when I was on a gurney and then we got in an elevator and the nurse with my gurney just said to everyone else in the elevator, We are not going to your floors.

We are going where we're going.

I was like, huh.

And be like, but my floor is just below your floor.

It's

got out really quick.

And I was like, it's okay, guys.

And it was like, okay, so this is serious.

And then afterwards, I still didn't know what happened.

To the guy who just tried to put a stent in, I was like, so I had a heart attack.

And he was like, yes.

You're having one right now.

I'm not really here.

I also then continued to have a heart attack for an entire day.

That's what happened.

No.

They couldn't stop it.

What does it mean?

Like, when I think of a heart attack, I think of your heart stops.

I know.

So I've also just learned this.

It means many different things.

My heart did not stop.

It just went cuckoo bananas for, I guess, around 20 straight hours.

So for me, it was that they actually don't know what happened.

Either.

You weren't reading a book about edible plants, were you?

Were you you eating the plants?

Were you eating poisonous plants out in the woods, girl?

No, they were edible.

Yeah.

It was a tuber.

I thought it was fine.

All tubers are fine.

Yeah, so I actually still don't exactly know the definition, but it's like, so what happened to me was either one of my coronary arteries decided to what they call spontaneously dissect, so it ripped itself apart randomly without warning for no reason.

That's all I need.

Or,

oh,

that's the last thing I need.

Or a blood clot made it to my heart, and then they somehow ripped up my artery trying to put a stent in.

But the arteries, toast?

Toast.

That little part of my heart's dead now.

Are they going to they fix it?

Nope.

This is what I'm like now.

I guess an artery is not one of the four main

valves.

No, it's important.

It was one of the main valves?

Well, it's not one of the two biggest ones.

It's a third, slightly smaller one.

Are they going to do anything else about it?

Nope.

So the other ones have to take over.

The other ones have to take over and we see how much of my heart they will feed, and that little bit of my heart will stop working.

I don't want to have a heart attack.

No, at the same time, I mean, I hope it's quick.

I will say this whole process, I was never, everyone's like, so scary.

And I was like, I was never, I never experienced fear.

I experienced like

loneliness.

Like, I wanted my husband's in Toronto and I want him to be there.

But I was never scared.

So I was like, I hope actual dying feels like that.

Oh, it does.

Are we doing that?

Dave Dave's been on the table a few times.

He was one of the flatliners.

No, yeah, it's don't, yeah, it feels fine.

Well, I.

What's the.

But also, Are We Dead?

Because reality feels really not real right now, right, guys?

I blame it on the Higgs boson myself.

Oh, what's that?

The large, hard-on collider?

Large Hardon Collider.

Things hard on in the world.

Is that what it's called?

The Hadron?

Hadron Collider, yeah.

Yeah.

Feel after they switched that thing on, things went crazy.

I, of course, blame

who's the gorilla that got killed?

Harambe.

Harrombe.

Yeah.

Once he died, things really got.

Yeah.

Things got spicy.

I blame

the slap.

Was it the slap?

The boy.

No, I blame the Maya, and I think in 2012 it happened.

Yeah, that's right.

And we just didn't notice.

It was a real kind of frog and boiling water kind of thing.

Like, yeah, it started then.

Yeah.

No, it's, I mean, all good theories.

I mean, I guess I don't blame them, I actually give them credit.

Yeah, they really should be like, hey, told you so.

Yeah, well, we left it in stone so that you could see it centuries later.

Didn't you watch Apocalypto?

Didn't you watch 2012?

Yeah.

The movie that for some reason features LA's subway just because it can.

Yeah, so does Collateral.

Yeah, like and speed.

LA thinks that it has a lot more landmarks than it does, like Hollywood Sign.

It's got Sixth Street.

We love it.

Sixth Street.

These are lyrics from

LA.

I don't know what that is.

It's one of the streets.

No, what's I Love LA?

Do you know Randy Newton?

I love L.A.

Oh, yeah, it keeps going.

I'm trying to remember the piano riff.

They have the

streets.

I love it.

Century Boulevard.

We love it.

They have the mammoths sinking into the La Brea tar pit.

That's an important icon.

And that's volcano.

Volcano.

Volcano features the tar pits shooting out balls of fire.

That's right.

Yes.

Which is not how a tarsep works.

Is that where the wizard went?

The movie The Wizard?

The Wizard.

The Game Boy one?

The Game Boy one?

The Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis traveling cross-country to go to a Nintendo tournament?

It was our introduction to Super Mario 3.

And that was probably the point of that film.

That was exactly the point of that film.

That was the lead up.

That was the climax.

Everything that happened after who gives a shit?

Oh, and also Power Glove.

Yeah.

I remember when he put on that.

Oh, yeah.

You try to sell all this stuff.

Well, we knew about the Power Glove before.

It wasn't the intro to it.

But it was just like when he put it on, you're like, this shit's going to get me.

I want that.

Yeah.

I want that, Mommy Daddy.

Give me.

Yeah.

Hey, if you have a Sega, it won't even work.

I don't care.

I want to wear it to school.

I want to wear it to sleep.

I want to do my first jack off with it.

I don't have experience with the first time.

I want to do a cheat code and then turn.

Mummy Daddy, bring me the bucket

for my large heart on collider.

What were we talking about before we got into all of LA's?

We were talking about

2012.

Right.

Oh, with starring John Cusack.

And that...

I love that movie.

It was the one that has the arcs that they built.

Is that the day after tomorrow?

That maybe is the day after tomorrow.

No.

Like all the rich people have like made

a lot of arcs in the there's a lot of arcs in the third act

of different movies.

What's an arc as compared to a boat?

I think an arc is to save you.

A boat is just for fun.

Ark is destination unknown.

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Soho.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

Ark.

I'm trying to think of what other movies had arcs.

I just read this book called Joe Almighty.

No, it was Evan Almighty.

Does Contact have an ARC?

No, it has just a big thing.

Yeah.

I just read this book called The Wager

about a big shipwreck from 300 years ago.

And then

these English sailors go around South America and they get marooned in Patagonia.

And then they

mutiny.

Well,

it's unclear whether the mutiny mutiny was a mutiny.

The captain did kill a guy, so can you mutiny?

I think so, because they have absolute power.

But that corrupts absolutely, as we know.

No, no, I think it's just a mutiny isn't necessarily bad, as we are probably going to see very soon throughout all the politics of the world.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm going up to an arc I had built up in a

don't tell anyone.

Workless territories.

I'm not going to say Werewolves, but it's in the Northwest Territory.

Anyway, it's a great book.

Check it out.

The Wager.

The Wager.

Is it

Real?

Yes.

Sounds like John John Grisham, The Wager.

No, that was the name of the boat.

Ah, The Wager.

Named after a dude, Mr.

Wager.

Please.

Come on John.

My dad is Mr.

Wager.

My favorite part is they all get

scurvy.

Yeah.

You love that.

I didn't know what scurvy really was, but

without vitamin C, your body stops producing collagen.

So you get, everything hurts.

And then they're all starving on the island.

And at one point they kill a seal.

Well, you're not going to get any vitamin C out of that.

Well, no, but there was some wild celery on the island.

Oh, great.

Edible plants.

Yeah.

Edible, wild plants.

They killed the seal, and they're feeling good for a couple of days.

They're using every part of the seal.

One guy

wearing his teeth and running around being spooky.

One guy.

Being spooky.

Like, all their clothes had disintegrated.

So one guy just made shoes out of seal skin cool and then uh two weeks later he's starving and he eats

his rotten shoes i mean i mean compared to other shoes that's a fresher food source sure yeah i need a shoe i need a tikka i eat a shoe yeah

i i also have sealskin boots do you and they've last you forever and ever uh well they are they are they're vintage so they take some maintenance there i got them when i was touring in norway oh no they're wonderful so warm where did they buy did you buy them vintage Yes.

In Norway.

Okay.

Yeah.

They take care of their boots up there.

They're like from the 70s.

And

it's really amazing to watch water fall off them.

Like, it's, it's like it, yeah, it's doing it.

It's nature.

Yeah.

It's raining.

Can I put on my sealskin boots?

I want to watch water fall off them.

Yeah, I'm going to take a shower.

I'm going to stick my feet in the tub and hang out.

Okay, so your heart is, it grew three sizes that day.

I think it lost a bit.

I lost an

artery.

Yeah.

One artery down.

Yeah.

But you're a healthy living kind of person.

Yeah.

So in a way, that's cool.

And in another way, it's not going anyway.

No, but like, that's really great.

And like, they've checked me out.

Everything looks good.

In another way, that's really concerning to a lot of my friends, for myself and for themselves, is that this just proves that the universe is run by chaos and you can't predict what's going to happen.

Yep, yep, yep.

Sorry, Mayans.

Yeah, they've, I mean, they did predict it and they were right, but we're all dead.

And there is, like, like, case of coming out of...

If you're dying,

your job is to make a podcast afterwards.

What, you go to the afterlife and you have to make a podcast?

I'm saying, what if we're dead and then we still show up?

We're just haunting the airwaves.

I mean, but everyone's dead, so no one's.

Nobody knows.

No one's around to be scared of us.

It's like the Sixth Sense.

These ghosts, they don't know they're ghosts.

There was definitely coming out of like, coming out of the hospital on lots of drugs, being given more drugs and feeling quite like dissociated, then turning on the TV and being like, oh yeah, all right, the president's bright orange.

Just these basic details.

I'm like, that doesn't seem real.

That doesn't seem like that guy's real.

Yeah.

He's bright orange and he stared at the sun?

No.

I stared at the sun a bit that day too.

Yeah, sure.

Everybody had a little, but you know, we're not in charge of anything.

We had a little boop at the sun.

Yeah.

But no one stared a little bit at the sun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You need sort of like, like, like a little look and then look away at you.

Okay, so I'm seeing, all right, my phone is picking up this

eclipse, but do I trust it?

Oh, yeah, it's happening.

Yeah, and he's, he's just really put nuts through our pieces.

He's the best to ever do it.

During his trial, there were lots of reports that he smelled bad, and I always thought that.

I always thought that.

He looks like he smells.

He smells like he smells, right?

He looks like he smells.

like like um he looks like he smells like a tuna sandwich really i didn't think it would be that healthy i would think it smells like a hamburger that would be my my think

or like a fryer grease yeah there's a

cold fryer in the and diaper

and diaper there's a few um uh restaurants in this neighborhood and then some days when they turn the fryers on it really just like wafts through the neighborhood yeah and it's not great it's not great it's not like kfc which rules yeah they put the spices right in the oil um it's not oil it's like some sort of magical, maybe it's like

a, what's the word I'm looking for?

Like a tar seep oil.

Like it's a petroleum-based product that you can control the flavor of.

That's what KFC feels like.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, I mean, whatever is the thing that's the most artificial Vaseline with seven spices in it.

Delicious.

Honestly, as a kid, you couldn't keep me away from it.

Yeah, I used to like rub cinnamon Vaseline all over my elbows.

Wait, is that true?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, and

I don't know.

But I saw an old, old interview with El Presidente where he was on Larry King.

And the first thing he said, he was like, you know, you have bad breath, right?

And Larry King's like, no.

And he's like, it really smells really bad.

And that's

too Larry King.

Yes, I remember that.

And I was like,

that's part of his like judo.

I know you are, but what am I?

Like,

but that being said, yeah, I'm sure.

You could see Larry King brother.

I probably wasn't even like smoking at the time.

Yeah, smoking's probably the big like

fake teeth might smell bad.

Chomping on suspenders all day.

That became his trademark.

You are what you eat.

Yeah, his diet of just like cigarettes, coffee and suspenders.

How are you now?

Yeah, how far you are into the show.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel I feel good.

I said before we started recording, I'm pretty high on drugs all the time now.

So I I pay a flat $250 a month and I'm high all the time.

It's sort of this $250 or $2.50.

Oh gosh, I wish.

$250 a month now seems to be what I have to pay to stay consistently high on medication.

Okay.

All right.

Which is probably cheaper than what I was doing before.

Which was.

Recreationally being high.

Exactly.

For more money.

Yeah.

Oh, I did fentanyl.

All right.

Here we go.

I guess, because they offered it to me and I was like, no, because you don't want fentanyl.

And then I was like, oh, right.

You're in the hospital.

All right, you're in the hospital.

You're allowed to have it.

No, just give me a pure cocaine.

When our old dog had his eye removed,

he had

a fentanyl patch

that was gel that they stuck to his arm, and we had to bring it back at a certain time, or they would call the police.

Right.

My first knowledge, I mean, this is a very dark episode.

Not for us.

Oh, okay, great.

My first knowledge of it was watching Intervention, and there was someone boiling fentanyl patches.

And I was like, what is this?

Anyway, I don't like opiates.

They don't like me.

So I kept trying to say no to morphine and fentanyl, but then it would get to a point where I was like, actually,

I think I'd like that right now.

I don't, I really don't feel good.

Yeah, no wonder you weren't afraid of dying.

Well, seriously.

Yeah.

Because that whole day when I kept having a heart attack, I didn't know I was still having a heart attack because I didn't understand how it worked.

But like, Taz came to visit.

We did crosswords.

I was feeling great.

I would have come and visited.

I didn't know you were in there for days.

I thought it was an in-and-out.

Only like, it was like two nights.

I had the right amount of visitors.

So then people would go away and I was like, it's time for me to pass out or

try to go to the bathroom, which is going to take quite a while to get there.

That's the thing, right?

I think I'll, if I'm in the hospital for days, I don't think I want visitors.

No, you'll want some.

You don't know me.

You don't even want like your wife to come visit you?

Sure.

The wife can come.

The wife can come.

The dogs can come.

Yeah, they don't let the dogs in.

Aaron Salazar salazar had to leave his dog in the car understand if you met that dog that would be a very funny dog to have in the hospital she's really excited and she's ginormous

ducking ivs out left or right yeah there's someone i think sometimes i think i see aaron walking that dog but it's someone else who has two of that dog and they're enormous yeah

i ran into uh

somebody that had a burna doodle and it was nine months old and it was as big as aaron's dog and it was still going to grow you guys should have aaron's just his dog on we tried we tried a very tough schedule.

Yeah, can't make it work.

We can't make it work.

It was like, it was like an hour and a half, no ball.

No, no, but we'll record it driving.

You can stick your head out of the window.

Yeah, he brought the dog over once.

My dog and that dog, not friends.

I could see that.

Yeah, I could see that.

I love Luma.

Luma for life.

But yeah, you feel good now in general.

Can I get you anything?

Can I get you anything?

You want some

fentanyl?

What's the one?

What was the Michael Jackson drug?

Yeah, what was it?

Because it's a morpheme.

Oh, no, no, yeah.

He was on, like, it was some weird thing where he was on, like,

a drug that made him fall, not sleep, but become unconscious.

So basically, he never dreamed or slept.

He just was knocked unconscious.

Cool.

I've had that before.

I just get hit over the head.

You just get a big club over the head.

Or coconut.

Coconut will do falling out of a tree.

Propofol.

Right.

Oh.

We had a guest either.

I don't want to speculate about which of our guests are on drugs.

Well, a couple of them have heart things, but I don't remember which is which.

But some have had to do propofol.

And I've heard,

yeah, like fentanyl uses, that's like they use in like cancer patients.

Like, it's like a heavy duty.

I don't think there's another level up of fentanyl.

No.

Like, that's the top of the pops.

There's some that they're warning everyone against, the superfentanyl on the streets.

Superfentanil?

Yeah, I know.

I know.

The kids today, today, it's like nothing's fun.

It was a lot more fun when we were young.

We could do kind of like lighter drugs.

Yeah.

Kids get back into the lighter drugs.

Well, they can't.

The fentanyl's in cereal.

It's in marijuana.

It's in everything.

It's too scary.

Yeah, that's why I do get

fentany.

Just chill them out.

How many microplastics do you guys think are in your rank?

I got one big one.

I've got a macro plastic.

You do one a year.

I just eat a credit card every week.

That's what I do.

Remember when they had

that

stuff that was like face wash that had like a little

beads that you would scrub your face with?

Then just throw them right in the ocean.

But like, I mean, obviously that's terrible.

But if every, if all the plastic's going to turn into a microplastic anyway, like take out the middle of our face.

Okay, here's my recent thing.

You know, we love we love our country, Canada.

We don't want to be a fan.

We love it, folks.

We don't want to be the 51st state.

And so like on Pender Island, where everybody is like, they freak out if there's a motorboat in the like orca section of the ocean.

For sure.

Sorry, there's like a protected region.

And like, fair enough, I don't want that either.

But like all of these people have now bought plastic Canadian flags to just distribute microplastics from their front porches.

And I'm like, okay, I think we gotta.

I don't know.

We gotta see the forest for the trees, folks.

We just, let's, honestly, having been through the hospital, I had fantastic care.

I feel extremely lucky.

The only thing I had to pay for was $850 for an ambulance ride.

I'm out of province.

Out of province.

But you can work in Ontario.

You can work here, no problem.

You cannot have an emergency.

But

if anyone is writing a grant for the Purdy's Chocolates movie.

The movie.

Do you think I'm going to get a spin-off like the Geico caveman?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, lady who eats chocolate.

Wasn't the actress who had the drop of Baileys dropped on her tongue?

Didn't she, or am I conflating two different things?

I don't remember.

Someone in a Baileys commercial then became,

that's the thing about Canadian showbiz, but like all you need is a successful commercial and suddenly you're being Erica.

Oh, yeah.

Where's Linda Cash's like cream cheese spin-off?

Who's Linda Cash?

The cream cheese angel.

I thought she was out.

Is she out?

She is, but I just think she's so talented.

I would like, I'd watch that angel heaven.

I'd watch the backstory.

There was definitely a time where Jerry D

had a stand-up special on CBC, was hosting the Family Feud, and was also just like a guy in a commercial, not himself.

He was just like, Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, guys, he's still playing people in a commercial.

You can't do that.

You got to give other people.

Well, or if it was an old commercial and they're like, oh, now he's hot.

Yeah.

Let's replay it.

It was in the six months where, no, maybe he was on Mr.

D, not Family Feud yet.

Right.

He, um,

Russell Peters, he had like shot a special in his first couple of years of his career.

And then when he got big, they like distributed it because they didn't have enough of a clause in it to stop.

So they just like distributed on CDs and on stream and everything that they could.

And it was became like

it was a real, like, he had to take some to court because they just kept distributing this thing as if it was a Russell Peters approved project.

I also, I mean, the other thing is, like, we know we're Canadian people in the entertainment industry.

Like, I don't want to pull the curtain back too far because I want it to seem like we are impressive people because we are.

But also like

I did not make that much money for that commercial.

Like we don't get paid that much.

You can have a show on television.

You can't afford to buy a house.

Like

we're not, you know,

we're hustling.

Yeah, we're hustling.

That's why the Max Fun Drive is next week.

Support the show.

$5 a month goes a long way.

It's

whatever.

And someone helped me publish my book of poetry because that's how I'm going to make a big.

Do you have a title?

Yeah, it's called Pender Dirt right now.

Pender Dirt.

Yeah.

Okay.

What is the

Graham will always say that the biggest selling book of poetry is

Jewel's A Knight Without Armor.

Jewel?

Yeah.

Remember Jewel?

Yeah, she lived in a van in Alaska.

Yeah, yeah.

She wrote a book of poetry and it was like a bestseller.

It was like the best-selling.

There's that other lady now, the Instagram lady.

I forget her name.

Yeah, what is her name?

I wasn't aware of it.

Rupi Corr.

Kori and of course we you know we we buy our books of Rumi's medieval Persian poetry Persian

I want to write a mini audiobiography about the poet Rumi so

I've been I've been reading more poetry in this process and I I got a bunch of like Gwendolyn McEwen's work

how's she doing

quite dead okay deeply deeply deceased.

Sorry.

Long ago, though.

It's not too soon, I don't think.

Sorry, I meant to visit you in the hospital, Gwen.

But I, but like, just the most incredible poetry.

Like, it's, I'm not a massive poetry person.

It doesn't all connect with me.

And this stuff, I'm just like, yes, yes, yes.

There's humor.

It's clever without being too clever.

And then, of course, I read up on her biography and I was like, oh, died alone in a basement suite.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow.

That's the

perfect ending for that.

Well, thank you.

That's where I'm headed.

We're in a basement right now.

Sweet.

I'll try not to die in your basement.

Yeah, try not to.

Don't make sense.

Yeah.

The paperwork.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I'm an Ontario resident.

Yeah.

Also, am I putting this episode out if she dies in the middle?

Oh, yeah, exactly.

I did get, I don't know if your comedy gets this reaction a lot, but I did get the sort of wince laugh out of Aaron Salazar by saying, like, I'm glad I didn't just go and die on the podcast.

And then I was like, you know, the group picture could just be me with my head down on the desk.

Well, we can do, we still haven't taken our picture.

We can do that.

Yeah, we could do, we can do two versions, and then we've got your colour.

And then you could put this out on CD, like Russell Peters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm gone.

I'm not going to sue.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is great.

This is a great idea.

This will be a great CD to have.

She's got a lot of money-making ideas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Book of poetry podcast on a CD.

One episode on CD.

T-shirts of the episode somehow.

Maybe transcript all over a t-shirt.

Sure.

People love transcripts.

T-shirts.

Well,

I'm glad you're out, and I'm glad

you look great, and you sound great.

And I'm glad you guys are here.

Dave's shaking his head.

No.

I know.

Dave is shaking his head.

You look stronger than ever.

You look like.

Dave and I went to high school together, so there's probably a bit of competition about like...

Who does first?

Oh, sure.

Who makes it to the reunion?

Who looks better at the reunion?

I was talking to someone the other day who just had their 50th reunion, and only 12 people were dead and they were like that's pretty good they're so they're like in their late 60s and like 12 people are dead from my class i'm ancient i'm like doesn't seem that high no that's not all like 12 from how big a class i guess it depends i don't know how big a school

13.

y'all have to bleep out who it was but it was

ah oh

i'm never gonna say no matter what you give me i'm not gonna say that name um i you offered me stuff and i didn't take you up on stuff.

You were like, can I get you anything?

And I feel like I really dropped the ball on that.

So I want to circle back before I forget to make you give me a food.

Oh, on air, I said that?

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Before the show, I offered you water and you don't.

I have water, but do you have any food?

Yeah, are you hungry now?

I'm feeling like I should eat just a thing.

Why don't we take a quick break?

Yeah, let's take a quick break.

Well, we're back from our break.

We had a wonderful plate of crackers and cheese.

And apple.

You went the whole charcuterie.

I'd call it charcuterie.

I wanted apple.

Yeah.

So I cut up an apple.

Yeah.

And it looks delicious.

I do have apple every single day.

Whole apple?

Yeah.

And you did not have to go to the hospital.

You kept the doctor away.

Yeah, I do keep the doctor away.

It's an ambrosia.

That's my apple of choice.

I think an apple a day would keep the doctor away if you throw the apple at the doctor.

Sure.

Every day you show up and throw an apple at a doctor.

He's not a bad thing.

You know what keeps the doctor away?

Oh, your breath, Larry King.

Come on.

You really have bad breath?

Dave, what's going on with you?

Oh, my God.

Did I tell you I read that book?

Yes.

Is that the big news?

You read the boat book.

I got less big news than I can tell you.

Is this a segment?

I'm just getting to know Dave.

Yeah.

Well,

we've been getting to know you this whole time.

We'll be getting to know you this whole time.

Oh, I forget what's going on.

So, no, Dave, we're just the same, same thing.

So, yours is rental car, mine is heart attack, Dave is boat book.

Graham was a rental car.

Graham still has to go.

No, I still have to go.

Oh, I thought we were getting to know.

And I still have to go.

He still has to go.

But we all are talking.

Yeah, well, that's the

show, I guess.

We are all still talking.

I was trying to explain this show to my friend who's staying with me, and she was like, So, what kind of podcast is it?

And I was like, Well, they started really early, so you didn't really need a thing.

Correct.

And that's maybe why we're still going because we haven't.

I mean, my original idea was a tour of the edible plants of the Pacific Northwest.

Oh, my God.

I would love it.

Let's go.

I'm trying to think.

Stop pot pee potting.

Yeah.

Stop

tubering yourself.

Stop

foraging.

Foraging your foraging.

I mean, foraging yourself creates an image.

It does.

Yeah.

I can picture what foraging yourself is.

I'm going to do it later today.

If I'm honest, I'm going to do it later today.

I'm going to root around.

Yeah.

Rooting around with Graham and Dave.

That's pretty much pretty good rooting around.

Oh, wait.

I want to be in it.

Okay.

Why did I ramp myself out of the job?

Yeah, yeah, no, get yourself back into the jar.

Rooting around.

So, boy, if you want to hear a

cool story.

I sure do.

Yes, it better be cool.

So my wife took my kids to Daiso.

What is Daiso?

Daiso is like a Japanese dollar store.

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

It's an Asian dollar store for sure.

I have a really cool mug I got from Daiso that has all different candies and what their calorie count is.

On the mug?

On the mug?

Are they like

famous candies?

No, it's just like a gumball.

Yeah, a gumball or a donut or

this kind of stuff.

But does that make you feel bad?

Like you don't want to eat them?

Oh,

the mug's not the boss of me.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, great.

Also, he's not drinking a mug full of candy.

Not that I know.

I don't know your story.

Maybe he's shoving a mug full of donuts and slorping it down.

Oh my god, a donut.

My God.

So you got to go to Daiso?

No, I took the kids to Daiso, and they came back.

The dogs are going crazy.

They never should have got that charcuterie plate.

I left all that cheese out for them.

And

she came back.

They had, you know,

gone wild.

You go there, you get a little container.

You get

some

cheap lotion, but in a nice container.

All of a packaging there.

Oh, yeah.

And then you get, they got like stationery.

And one of the things I got was an electric eraser.

Ooh.

So it's an eraser.

Do you either.

But it gives you electric shocks.

Do either of you use pencils anymore?

Yes.

Yes.

You know, rooting around under a fingernail or something like that.

With a pencil.

That'll make it dirty.

Look, I didn't say it's a good.

What else am I supposed to use?

I don't have toothpicks.

I'll use a pen to get out of the pencil.

I have a special tool just to clean my fingernails.

You do?

I do.

We'll talk off it.

Okay.

The electric eraser.

What is this?

What does it conjure in your head?

To me, it's not attached to a pencil.

This is its own thing, and it's electric, and it buzzes around.

To me, there's two options.

One, it's just a normal eraser, but it gives you an electric shock because it was bad that you made a mistake.

But also, it's like...

Or it's a vibrator.

Yeah.

When you're picturing it giving you a shock, is it battery operated or is it plug-in?

It looks like a normal eraser.

So it's, I guess, there's a battery somehow in it.

So you don't know, but yeah, you've gotten a shock because it is, it is bad.

You are a bad person.

I am.

I'm thinking of an eraser being plugged into an outlet.

What would that look like?

Well, it is a, I'd say it's about the size of a

like a

highlighter, one of those sort of like

flat and wide classic highlighter.

Yeah.

Yeah, a Stabilo boss

number one in highlighter is that a brand name yeah oh i'm a big girl yeah it shows

she's a bargain basement big gal i'm a big gal there's a comedian who used to have a joke about how big should advertise that they make razor blades pens and lighters yeah and just like the we they everything you need for a prison tattoo

oh i thought it was just gonna be like isn't that cool it's so many things yeah

But like, just a weird vote.

We picked these three things.

Everything you need for a prison tattoo, that is good.

You need a lighter for a prison tattoo?

I don't, yeah.

But you got to melt.

Sterilize.

Yeah.

No, not sterilize.

They don't care about that.

Yeah, you do.

You have to melt the plastic to put the razor in.

That's what you need.

But you can also sterilize with it.

Like, you know, maybe the nice ones in prison, but, you know.

There are nice prison tattoo people.

You're right.

Well, am I to judge?

Yeah.

I've never been to prison.

There's artists in prison.

Of course.

Of course.

Let them out.

Well,

pardon the tattooers.

I assuming they were logged up for bad tattooers.

Yeah, don't lock them up.

Let them be.

Lock her up.

Her emails.

Anyway.

Lock her emails in his laptop.

Thank you.

So it is about the size of a highlighter, and it's just got one little eraser on it.

And yeah, you're right, it vibrates.

Nice.

And it...

you uh it doesn't seem to erase any better than a regular eraser but does it release microplastic Probably, sure, yeah.

And, like, so is it

as fast as you could?

As fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me.

It's the jack-alooks.

Are you now worried that your children's erasing muscles will atrophy?

That's true.

They're so lazy.

These kids do it.

They don't know how good they got it with their electric eraser.

They're living their Wally

life up in the ark.

Wally has an ark.

Wally has an ark.

That's right.

Spoilers.

Spoilers.

Arks are always in in the third act, too.

That's true.

Got to end big.

Not of the Bible.

No, that's true.

Somewhere in the middle.

Maybe for my people, where do we end it?

Where's the Torah end?

How many acts are in the Bible?

Anyway, write in.

Yeah.

Call.

You guys have a phone number, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give us a call.

Call the phone number.

Well, let's see.

Abraham saves the cat.

Abraham saves a cat?

Abraham saves his son.

Sure, I was just doing this sort of like script structure, act structure.

I was like, what Torah are you reading?

There's a cat?

How many acts would you say in this?

Anyone who's good at structure, are there 500 acts in the Bible?

Yeah, do you, have you read the Torah?

Not all of it.

I have not, I have not read the Torah, but I, I went to Hebrew school, so I'm familiar with it.

There's five books.

One of them, though, is called Numbers, which I think is just numbers.

Yeah, it's like a lot of stats.

It is.

This is the mock score of all the different.

Whoa, Moses had a great year.

Yeah, so it's sort of structurally experimental, we shall say, in the Torah.

That's where Moneyball came from, was the numbers.

From the Torah?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

And I could not tell you what happens in Deuteronomy.

Is that maybe where Kabbalah comes from?

Oh, it could be.

And was Kabbalah the one with the red string?

Kabbalah is not related.

Different book.

Different

weird stuff.

But it's like the

I'm not going to ask any more questions for it.

But

it's kind of not official, the Kabbalah and and the zohar sure well don't mess with the zohar

my god if i if you learn nothing else from this podcast don't mess with the zohar furthermore click um but i uh yeah so then we got this thing whatever who cares

but i'd never seen one before never heard of such a thing before and that very night i went over to my parents' house and my mom was like look what i got oh for real she also got an electric eraser also from daiso uh no oh she went to to uh another retailer.

I have a weird question for you.

Okay.

Do either of you eat this like crunchy chili sauce, garlic chili sauce?

I have.

Because that's the experience I'm having right now with crunchy chili sauce, is that it's everywhere.

Is it the one with the ladies' face on it?

Yes.

And I'm allergic to garlic and onions, so I cannot eat this stuff.

But it's not always.

I'm not allergic to anything crunchy.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He likes only soft.

He's just a smooth dude with an atrophying jaw.

I get a cone from Dairy Queen.

They're like, can I dip it?

No, it'll be too crunchy.

Just some enphylac.

Anyway,

but this

chili sauce is everywhere.

And the way people talk about it is creeping me out.

And I feel like it's that horror movie thing where, like, I, because I can't eat it, I get to be the survivor.

Right.

Like, the stuff.

You know, the movie, The Stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the one about like Michael Moriarty.

It's the first astronauts, and they're kind of going into training.

No.

That's the wrong stuff.

Right stuff.

That's the right stuff.

This is a movie where this isn't a spoiler because, in the first literally 30 seconds, a man sees something bubbling out of the ground in the Arctic, sticks his finger at it, eats it, and goes, Yum.

That is literally the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Anyway, but people keep talking about this chili sauce, and they're like, I'm just looking for excuses of what to put it on.

I've just been eating it by the spoonful.

So many people have been saying this to me, it's starting to weird me out.

Anyway, so this is the eraser.

That stuff, there are chili crunches I do like.

That one has too much crunch one of the crunching elements is too unfamiliar to my tongue and i'm like what is this is this

is it a spread what is it it's an oil with gunk in it crunchy oil it's a crunchy oil crunchy oil okay but it's got like the chili flakes it's got chili flakes and it's got but it's got mysterious crunchy twigs in it as well.

Oh, twigs.

I thought it was more of a circular type crunch.

A circular twig.

Yeah, because like

if if you get like a granola or something, there's like, who knows what's in there?

It's oats and then little round things.

And up till flakes.

Up till you went gluten-free, I thought oats were wheat.

So did I.

Buckwheat, not wheat.

Not wheat.

Buckwheat, not wheat.

Okay.

We should get into buckwheat in a big way.

Yes.

I had some sourdough from

Salt Spring Island, and I can eat that apparently.

Gluten-free sourdough?

No, just regular sourdough.

Oh, apparently, yeah, that for some folks, depending on your issue, that's...

yeah.

So, well, I'm living large.

I'm gonna get over there.

I'll tell you what, girls.

I'm gonna make you some sourdough at some point.

All right, I'll come pick it up at Toronto

or Pender Island.

Oh, yeah, do you have two going?

Uh-huh.

I have two.

I also have two.

We were off air.

We were talking about sourdough because Dave and I both do sourdough.

I have two starters going.

One that I started during lockdowns called Madame Trash because I made her out of garbage, like wine bottle sloshings and

some dried currants.

I started it myself.

And then the other one was given to me by a friend and it came from Florida, so I call it Everglobes.

Everglobs is a really healthy one.

And then now I feel like defensive about Madame Trash because she's not as

garbage.

Mine are made out of,

I do have two going.

We talked off air, but

I only need one.

But

they're just flour and water.

And they do it?

Yeah.

You don't need to put extra but these two have different identities.

Like they behave differently, so I know that they're different.

Everglobs keeps growing in the fridge.

Madame Trash unfortunately does not.

But does Madame Trash just stay on the counter?

Is that well I just she has to go in the fridge sometimes.

That's just my lifestyle.

And she kind of collapses and Everglobs like just like the stuff, like the movie The Stuff, she just globs over into the whole fridge.

Oh, really?

She won't take over the whole fridge, but

would if you let it.

Have you guys seen the pictures of dumpsters that dough has been thrown into and then it keeps growing?

Oh,

but this seems like something I'd be into in a big way.

I want this to be on your Instagram.

It will be.

Because they're so, it's like pizza places that are like toss their dough, and then it very much the stuffs.

It's like the blob.

It's like blah, blah, blah.

It's so delightful to me.

I love this.

It's like the most wholesome dumpster content, too.

And I'm just a big fan of dumpsters in general.

Yeah, these are very very funny dumpsters.

So just some idiot was like, I got to get rid of this dough.

There's no way it'll get bigger.

I mean, I don't want to judge their intelligence levels.

Like, oh, this dough is never going to rise.

But, like, also.

Or, I got to get out of here.

There's so much dough and I got to go home to my kids.

Sure.

But, like, at least they're not flushing it down the toilet.

You know what I mean?

Like, I feel like that could really backfire in a big way.

Although,

probably clean you out, clean out your pipes.

I got a slow drain situation.

It would probably clog up your pipes.

I mean, it depends when you get get it going.

There's an ad.

Once it's out of that first pipe, it's the city's problem.

There's an ad for a thing that you put on your sink and it shoots out a purple foam and it cleans out your sink and it's the most satisfying goddamn thing to watch.

But does it work in real life or is it just a lie?

No, no, it's like a product to buy.

I know it's a product, but is it a product that works?

Well, it does in the ad.

This isn't a testimonial.

Is it a product you can buy in stores or is it just an ad

that's like for amazing products?

And then you click on it, and there's nothing to click on.

Did Adult Swim make this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a company, right?

You know what else shoots out of really satisfying purple foam?

Go on.

Horny green.

Horny?

Oh.

I was close.

You both got in the

same zone.

You were both in the furry zone.

Anyway, so

lookout, apparently, electric,

whatever you call them, the racers are on the the rise.

Graham?

Yes.

What's going on with you?

Do you ever do

where you're like

just putting on a show just to have something happening

on your phone?

Or do you mean like, let's put on a show?

No, when you're doing exploring in the neighborhood.

Did you ever produce a bunch of shows at Little Mountain Gallery just to have something to do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Just do you ever put on a show to save the youth center?

And you know what?

Didn't work.

They bulldozed that motherfucker.

Didn't work.

The kids were out of control.

They did not deserve it.

That's right.

There was literally,

where was it?

I think it was somewhere in Canada that they were literally demoing a community center to literally put up condos.

Oh, I mean, people live in condos.

Yeah, but you know, it's the community center.

That's where kids learn to break dance.

Don't you understand?

So I wanted something boring in the background.

I was thinking it was going to be a parking lot because that's what they literally paved paradise to do.

Yeah, go see the community center.

Our paradise.

But

I was trying to figure out what can I watch that's in the background.

And then I saw a clip of somebody who had seen Gordon Ramsey riding on the Skytrain.

Yeah.

It's like, Gordon Ramsey, that's what I'll put on in the background because he swears a lot.

There's so many shows, though.

What do you pick?

I picked

Hell's Kitchen.

I like Hell's Kitchen because he swears a lot.

And because it's on streaming, it's not bleak.

Your Gordon Ramsey is like, you want the maximum swears.

Yeah.

Well, that's, yeah, because with the Kitchen Nightmares, he comes in and says, like, this is sod or whatever.

He'll say something that's

this rant.

He said, this is sod.

This is sod off or something like that.

This is sod off.

This is bollocks.

But then he gets nice at the end of the program.

But Hell's Kitchen, he only becomes nice at the very end of the series.

The rest of the time, he's like, fuck off, get out.

Ripping people's arms off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like,

I watched a whole season of it.

I had it in the background.

And I,

my question is, and I haven't haven't done any research, is it really a restaurant that they're in, or is it a set that looks like a restaurant?

My guess is that it's a set.

Do you know this show?

Because I've seen ads for it, but I've never watched it.

Oh, okay.

So the premise of the show.

I can't entirely tell the difference between his various shows.

So this show, there's two teams, red team, blue team.

And they're

pull up an image of it.

Well, it's going to look the same as the others.

No, in Kitchen Nightmares, he goes into someone else's.

He goes into somebody else's restaurant.

Oh, Hell's Kitchen is a competition.

It's two teams cooking, and there's like a in front of a,

like the

diners, the people eating,

they get to, they're watching the people cook.

Yeah, they can, yeah, they can hear it, and depending on what they're doing.

I don't think I have seen this.

He swears a lot, and it's that's his hair, that's his hairdo, that's his hair.

That's his hair.

I mean, he's no David Lynn.

Are you thinking of Hell's Kitchen, the Broadway musical from Alicia Keys?

Yeah, that's what I was putting on in the background.

Just looped it.

That seems nicer.

Anyways.

That's the restaurant from.

That's the restaurant.

I don't know if it's a restaurant or if it's a set that's supposed to look like a restaurant, but this one took place in Las Vegas.

Well, this is Caesars Palace Gordon Ramsey

here that we're looking at.

So it takes place in Las Vegas.

And to make it Vegas, all the like dumb...

Like, I always zip past the game that they have to do because I feel like it's demeaning.

There's like a toss-up game at the beginning.

Well, yeah, it's like, okay,

you're going to have to pick these ingredients out of a whole bunch of people.

And someone gets immunity or something?

Well,

they got like a fun activity.

They get immunity, but they're like, you get to go on a helicopter.

You get to go play the one-armed bandits for an hour on the house's money.

But

because it was Vegas, they had all these Vegas things.

One of them was Chris Angel, and he did some private tricks for them, just them in the audience.

Oh, my God.

They get to go to have a croissant with Chris Angel.

And he'll trick you.

Or did you?

He'll trick you.

Don't turn your back on him.

But there's one thing where he's like flying around the stage, and they're all like, How is he doing that?

I'm like, wires, it's wires.

It's wires you can't see.

And then they got to go see Carrot Top, and he was like, he showed them a funny prop, and they were like, How is he doing that?

And he roast Gordon Rambo.

And then he flexed his arm really big and disappeared.

He just put a wig on a toilet.

He put a wig on a toilet and went, Wendy's.

That's all right.

So,

yeah, it's I watched the entire season, which I didn't plan to.

I plan to watch two episodes.

And what

time of day did you start?

Yeah, and what did you watch them all in a row?

No, but I watched them within three days, which I feel is like a lot because it's like network television.

And this is daytime stuff?

Like while you're doing

busy work?

Yeah, tooling around.

And

yeah, it's but I.

Whenever you're just harvesting edible wild plants.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put it on a TV.

I carry it around with me everywhere I go.

But yeah, the

kind of brother or sister show to this is like Top Chef.

And Top Chef's very classy and Hell's Kitchen is super trashy.

But like, what's the, is there a difference in the food?

Like, in terms of classy, trashy?

Like, before Top Chef, I had never heard of Ceviche.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They do.

Or Sousid.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

Or what's the one?

Ancho chilies.

I've never heard of ancho chilies before.

Top chef.

Come up a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then on

Hell's Kitchen, it's just like

put this burger on the floor.

That's the challenge.

Can you pick up a burger from the floor and make it taste good?

Can you skate on these burgers?

But the thing is, you hope it's the opposite.

On Top Chef, you hope that they do.

well because you like that you want to see the beautiful food.

On this, you want them to do bad so that Gordon Ramsey goes,

fuck off.

Then He says, piss out.

He'll pick up a steak and whip it across the kitchen, or he'll just smash a piece of fish.

Oh, gosh.

But it all started because he was hanging out in Vancouver, I guess.

I assume because he is opening a restaurant.

Yeah, you opened a restaurant, Gordon.

Gordon Ramsey's called Steak in River Rock Casino.

Do you think that on the first day he goes, he shows up and then calls everybody a fucking donkey or whatever?

He calls people donkeys.

That's sort of his thing.

Well, he'll know them a lot.

It's Shrek's thing, but he kind of co-opted it.

I recently watched a show called Culinary Class Wars.

Oh, that's about, I feel like that's probably have you seen it?

No.

It's, it's, I think it's made in Korea, and it starts with a hundred chefs.

And I got to say, reading subtitles for a hundred individual people at once is challenging.

Yeah.

Because it'll be like, it'll be like man 14

says something.

And I was like, wait, what is that?

Was this before the heart attack?

It was after 2012, though, so still could be dead.

Does he have like a catchphrase when he kicks people off?

Get out of here.

Oh, yeah.

He says

you have to give him your chef jacket.

Bib.

Yeah.

And he says, give me your jacket.

And then he says, does he beat you out?

Do you get a beat out?

You get beaten off.

He gets your coat.

He hangs it up.

And then the picture of you above the coat lights on fire.

Oh, because really?

Yeah, it's hell's kitchen.

That's not heaven's kitchen.

Whoa, yeah.

If it was heaven's kitchen, you'd get

turned into cream cheese.

Also, the interstitials for other shows are it's hell all the way with this.

So interstitials are like a cleaver going into meat, or like that's not hell, but it's red, it's all red, like hell stick.

Yeah, it's hell meat.

It's like, no, hell is like Hieronymus Bosch.

It's gotta be like an egg guy.

Well, this

like an egg with legs

sticking a needle in you.

And this one, instead of having a pencil behind his ear, he's got a pitchfork, a little baby pitchfork.

Yeah.

Like the kind that you would put in a cheeky drink, I guess.

That's pretty minimal.

It looks like a fascinator.

Wait, I can't quite see from here.

Oh, this is another thing.

Since heart attack, my eyes have been worse.

Oh, shit.

I've lost vision in the last week.

But does he have little...

Like, is his hair vaguely styled with horns there?

No, it's just his hair.

That's just how his hair is.

Yeah.

Like, I thought it was a very subtle horn suggestion.

Well, I mean, it's certainly plugs.

My favorite thing they do on the show.

Like Joel McHale.

Like everyone.

Do you have plugs?

No, but.

Do you have plugs great?

Oh, that's why I'm wearing a hat.

But like, it used to be like...

You guys look great.

Hey, he's got...

Gordon Ramsey's got plugs.

Now it's literally every...

Everybody.

Every famous man.

They'll always do a thing where they're like...

Please welcome this guest judge.

And then they say the name and only they know who it is.

Michael D'Angelo, and you're like,

Michael D'Angelo is here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all these like chefs, and you're like, oh, yeah, like

all these chef shows have created celebrities.

Yeah, sometimes they bring on people from past seasons, yeah, or people who are contestants on top chef.

Yeah, Bobby Flay is a household name now, of course.

He's a problem, right?

Bam!

Not him.

I remember that's Emeryl.

That's Emerald.

Emerald.

Which I think I only know because there's like a joke character about him on Futurama.

But

I think he voices it himself.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Yeah, I think that's probably the case.

He seems like a guy who's got a good sense of.

Emerald?

I think?

I remember Top Chef, when you left, it was like,

pack up your knives

and kill yourself.

Get out of here.

Stab yourself.

On Project Runway, it was, you are out of style, Alfida.

Alfida's in.

Yeah, out of style.

Alfida's in.

Was it you're out of style?

It was definitely Alfida.

And sometimes, yeah, sometimes you're in.

Sometimes, yeah, sometimes you're out.

Yeah.

And then I love her voice.

I remember we were talking about this years ago with Kayla Lorette,

and

we came up with the catchphrase, pack up your shit and get the fuck out.

Was that for Gordon Ramsey?

No, just for anyway.

Just blanket.

What if every show just had the same tagline?

Or was there one?

Was there one where it was just there was like a garbage themed show and they put you in a bag?

and they say you're trash you're trash

you trash you're fit for the pit oh man oh well what wasn't on that show holy yeah everything was fit for the pit um so anyways if you if you need to put something on in the background that has swears in it

where's the beef can't remember i can't recommend health's kitchen enough uh and you know i'll be at his steakhouse uh ordering i guess potatoes

maybe they have asparagus i can have what's your diet you got a lot of restrictions.

Yeah, very, very limited diet.

Just asparagus and potatoes for the asparagus, potatoes.

You had a brownie.

I had a brownie that I got earlier.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Treat myself.

Like a gluten-free high-protein brownie or something?

Yeah, so not good.

They don't taste good.

I've gotten used to that type of sort of, it's sponge.

It's sort of a scouring sponge.

It's a hardy high-protein sponge.

A sponge that's absorbed in egg in some way.

Yeah, that'd be great if you could have egg on the go by just throwing a sponge in there and putting it in your pocket and just squeezing whatever you need.

I'm gonna write this down, you guys.

I got some research.

We all need million-dollar deals now because the arts are in trouble.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm gonna start inventing things.

Do you guys want to move on to some overheards?

Yeah.

Hey, you.

Yeah, you with the Giga Pet.

Me?

Do you like supporting artist-owned podcasts?

Totally.

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Sounds sweet!

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Overheard.

Overheards.

Where you hear them, we want to hear them.

That's, you know, stuff you hear out in the world, things that you've heard, things that you've seen, maybe even something hilarious that you dreamt.

We accept them all here.

And we always like to start with the guests.

Becky, do you have an overheard?

I have multiples.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Do you want to do one?

We come back around to you.

You want to do them in a row?

Do you want to do two?

Do you want to go back and forth?

Do you want to ping pong?

I don't want to make decisions.

I'm not in charge.

How many do you have?

I have three.

Okay.

And they're all different categories.

Why don't you do two?

We'll come back around and then you do the third.

Okay.

So the first one I'll do.

This category is potpourri.

This category is potent potable.

Not

funny.

Not humorous.

Non-humorous.

Here we go.

Non-humorous.

And this was a true overheard on the Skytrain.

This was before the first time when I was supposed to come in.

On the way in, I was like, oh, I don't have any overheards.

I've just been spending time alone in the woods.

Yeah.

I overheard the birds?

I heard a tree fall on the forest.

I was going to be like, I heard a weird bird sound.

I was like, no, okay.

But this was

on the SkyTrain coming in.

There was these kind of younger folks hanging out, and then one of them got off.

And before they left, they just said to their friends, this summer we should all go dancing.

And it just really hit me.

And now, post last week of Madness, I'm even more maudlin about that and I just I want to pass that message on to everybody because I do think this summer we should all go dance all go dancing yeah I'm really busy

you could do a quick line dance with MVP

if you don't go my problem dance clubs is they're too open too late I want a 10 a.m.

dance club some sort of breakfast you can dance in any environment you can go down to the beach and dance around with your kids like I just think we should go dancing just yeah

it doesn't have to be the clubs.

Yeah.

It doesn't even have to be indoors.

It could be just, like you say, out at the beach.

What's the

on dancing with the stars?

What do they say when you're knocked out?

Get the fuck out of here, you.

They say you're hideous.

Sashay away.

Sashay away.

That should be what they say, though.

Two-step out the door.

You're spun.

You're time to break your dance.

They say thank you.

Good night.

thank you for being a part of the show thank you for your time you did really well i just i googled i googled dancing with the stars catchphrases and the ai overview said even the ears must dance is a quote that may be irrelevant to the dance competition show dancing with the stars is that worth the water you just spent on the ai search no it's the good ai oh it's the one that put water back in here the dry dry ai also i didn't ask to have an ai search you got to put minus ai at the end it doesn't work anymore oh they got rid of that in like a day?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's all happening.

It's all happening.

I did see a thing where, like,

let's try that.

Oh, maybe it does work.

Never mind.

You know, the misinformation and disinformation.

You flew across the floor like a rampant crab.

That's how they leave.

That's a good sign.

That's how they make you leave.

Yeah.

Walk off the floor like a giant crab?

Crab walk on out of here.

If you know what's good for you.

Do you want to do another now?

Yeah, the other one is...

Win us back.

So the other one from the non-funny.

The other one is from the hospital.

So I overheard a lot in the hospital, but I do feel like I shouldn't betray too many confidence in you.

You took the Hippocratic Oath.

Hospital.

Do no gossiping.

Go on.

Well, there was one lady who was asking everyone for cheese sandwiches.

That was kind of her deal.

That's what the hospital's for.

She also thought I worked there, even though I was in a hospital gown.

So we were in a fun reality zone, but this one guy was making whooshing sounds all day long, like whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.

And I was on a lot of drugs, so I didn't know what, if that was real.

And then as I kind of came to, I was like, no, that's real.

Anyway, maybe also not very funny.

But he, I think, was recovering from open heart surgery, and this was some sort of calming breathing thing.

He was making his own waves.

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

Maybe he was having somebody sleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where was the doctor like, well, you're all cured, Mr.

Winslow?

We'll get you back to the police academy right away.

You really dodged a bullet, Mr.

Winslow.

Has anybody ever been so referenced for one very specific thing than Michael Winslow and Police Academy?

I mean, Carrotop.

I was about to say Carrotop.

But he's like, he's had a whole giant career of Carrotop.

Russell Peters for somebody going to get him.

But

yeah,

I don't know.

I mean, look, Michael Winslow's had a whole big career.

Yeah, Michael Winslow rules.

Somebody stopped me, but I guess Dream Carries done other things than say somebody stopped me.

Yeah, that's the mask.

Did I do that?

There you go.

He's a, he's such a rascal header called.

Yeah, fucking Merkel.

But Stefan, ooh, la la.

Yeah, or Bruce Lee version that really.

I don't know, man.

I don't remember that.

Yeah.

I don't think it was a recurring thing.

No, he went.

He had like a magical box that he just went.

Yeah.

I knew about the box.

Did he have a robot?

Was the robot a recurring

Urkel bot.

Was that him?

Did he turn into that?

I think it was probably.

Did he have sex with it?

Yeah, he met it in the back alley.

Did he make a Laura bot?

He made the robot, and the robot was curious.

Like, is this sex?

Is this sex?

The robot was curious.

Yeah, the robot was curious because it had never had sex in its consciousness.

And Urkel had.

And Urkel had.

When did Urkel have sex?

Him and Carla went down to

Daytona Beach.

Now, Carla, is that Laura and Carl mixed up?

To go together?

That was the thing.

They went through a magic box.

They shoved it in the box and they kind of the flied.

And Erkel was like, oh, this is sort of what I always wanted.

You know, I never really thought about

how that box in Family Matters is kind of like the fly.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it is sort of horror.

Yeah, it is sort of body horror.

It's a little bit Cronenberg.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Cronenberg,

keep doing your gross stuff.

Yeah.

And your son, too.

His son also.

Yeah, keep doing your gross son.

Yeah.

Keep making gross sons.

Puff them out.

Puff them out.

Canada needs more gross sons.

Absolutely.

Dan Levy.

Just trying to think of Canadian.

Brian, no.

Mulroney.

Brian Mulroney.

Ben Mulroney, Justin Trudeau.

All Canada's gross sons.

I'm a gross son of Canada.

I'm a fortunate son.

Dave, do you have anyone heard?

Sure.

I was at school, elementary school.

My kids were lined up for their classes.

They have to line up and the teachers come out and get them.

Okay.

But everybody's single file.

Sure.

Okay.

The line is a little loosey-goosey, but that's kind of what school is about.

The thing you learn in school is how to line up.

Yeah.

A couple kids not great at it.

This one kid never wants to line up, always is in the field playing with a soccer ball.

I love this kid.

If he's not in the field with a soccer ball, he's trying to kick the ball at people in line

while they...

flinch and he gets off on it.

He's a real disruptor.

Well, he's done his thing, which is good.

It's hard.

Some people, it takes a whole lifetime to realize.

He's a tech bro in the making.

And then

yesterday,

he kicked his ball.

It bounced a couple times and made like a little splash in a puddle.

And the line of kids next to the puddle kind of like flinched and were like, ugh.

And he picked up his ball and went, that gave me a great idea.

He is a tech bro.

What's he going to disrupt?

Balls.

He was going to make an even bigger splash and had to be talked down.

Did he really?

Yeah.

He was like, oh, this made a little splash and everyone kind of cringed.

Maybe if I do a big splash.

That's so funny.

I had no clue what the other idea was.

I had no clue.

I'm not the best story.

I didn't know either.

No, I was like, oh my gosh, like, is he going to invent, like, is this a unifying theory of the universe?

Like, a splash-proof garment that is.

No, he just wants a bigger puddle.

Other people to suffer.

You got on board with this kid too early.

And you wouldn't back down that.

Maybe I like this kid.

I'm a rabble rouser.

I love it.

I feel like there was always a kid like that.

It was just like, just built different.

Just a weirdo kid.

Every school had them.

They lack empathy.

He grew up to be Elon Musk.

Yeah.

Gosh, that guy.

Hair plugs.

Can we not?

Hair plugs.

Weird

body shaping surgery.

Come on.

I can shame Elon Musk.

That was very funny.

I went on a real journey in that sentence.

I was like, weird body shape.

Oh, surgery.

surgery.

Oh, he made weird choices.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, certainly

the penile implant that exploded, we all heard about.

What?

Is this real?

Yeah.

Did Grimes tell everyone?

Yeah.

Is there anything?

I don't know what's real anymore at all.

Well, it is.

That's one of the things that is purported to be real.

On him?

On him.

Is that his penis exploded?

His penile implant malfunction.

Was it his primary penis or was it a secondary one he had had installed?

It was Grok 3.0.

I never heard those before.

Oh, you got to get on.

You got to beta test your penis.

Yeah,

you're telling me.

My penis has been beta tested its whole life.

Cucked?

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

Whatever.

I don't know what direction we're going in this.

Omega penis?

My overheard.

It's courtesy of the ice cream store.

Bunch of people in there, all chatting away.

And there was a girl talking to her friend.

Let's say she's like in her 20s.

And she says to her friend, me?

I've always thought that moles are nature's tattoos.

That's lovely.

Isn't that nice?

Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah.

She's...

I'm more of a skin tag man.

You're more of a body mod

kind of guy?

Skin tags are more like jazz.

Yeah, like tattoos are more.

Skin tags are like, you know, gauges and spacers.

Spacers.

i feel like skin tags are more like you know like the people who get the horns put on yeah oh yeah that kind of body mod yeah like

i feel like what happens after i guess you could be a tattoo artist or something what happens to you after you do a body mod like that

horns oh like what oh dj i guess you could be dj uh bank teller you go on yeah

you can you know what i mean you can technically i remember the point at which it was like i'm going through airport security and my security guard has like a big gauge piercing in in their nose and like half shaved head and a tattoo on the side of their head and i was like i like this yeah i like this i like this just for general acceptance of self-expression but also i like that reality looks more like the fifth element now yeah oh yeah i enjoy that i enjoy that like it's like science fiction we've kind of self-fulfilled yeah and i like that I mean, you know, these chefs on the show.

Oh, boy.

Tattoo forever.

Everybody, it seems like everybody on the show had a tattoo of a knife.

Like different types of knives, but everybody had a tattoo of a knife.

Different types are like chef knives.

Oh, chef knives.

Switchblades.

Butterfly knife.

A katana.

Swiss army.

Where's the line between knife and sword?

That's interesting.

Probably in the dagger range.

No.

That's a

gateway.

Yeah.

But like, what's the kerpan?

That's technically a knife.

He just Graham just stabbed himself in the kitchen.

Oh, it's where it sits.

Oh, it's where it sits.

I think he's stabbing himself.

Kerpan.

can.

I don't know.

It's a sea.

It's thick.

Yeah.

It's sticky.

Oh, it's like a curved.

I don't know.

I don't know.

All the things.

What about an Oolu knife?

Do you know that one?

I know an Ulu.

I have an Ulu.

Do you?

Yeah, I love it.

Like an Inuit.

Uh-huh.

Kind of.

Cutting.

Multipurpose, sort of cutting, curved blade.

Yeah.

That'd be a cool tattoo.

On a wooden handle, usually.

I guess every knife is multipurpose.

That's true.

It slices, it dices.

You can julian fries.

You can even cut a tin can with it.

Darren, did you have a third one?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, this is one.

Nipple, I mean.

I had a mold that looked like one, but I had it removed.

Anyway,

it was getting

in the way of my underwire.

The nipple that wouldn't be.

Yeah, I did one.

It wasn't really a nipple.

It just was in the right spot for another one.

I overheard myself saying this, but it was in a dream, so that counts.

That counts.

Absolutely.

Because you said dream, and I was like, this is...

This is one of like, every once in a while, you know, we're comedians, like, your dream writes you a good joke.

Yeah.

And hasn't happened yet, but

I've had a few.

Yeah.

I've had a few.

Yeah.

Yeah, sent them my way.

Well, one was, I might, I wonder if I even said this on a previous podcast, because it happened years ago, but it was like, I overheard some greasers in an alley in a dream saying, shove it up your woman.

Shove it up your woman.

So feel free to use that.

That's as good as any swear that you could have.

But I might have already said that on this podcast because it's stuck with me for a while.

You are here pretty awkward.

Once decades, once every decade I come.

But the one that came to me was: I was asked to describe my own figure in a dream, and I described myself as skinny with a chance of meatballs.

And I woke up and I was like,

Good work.

That's great.

That's great.

Take the rest of the night off.

I mean, that's just usable.

That is usable.

Yeah.

Use that.

Yeah.

Well, turn it into a poem.

There you go.

It's the name of my new album, Becky Johnson, Skinny with a Chance of Meatballs.

Shout out to you.

In addition to.

Wait, no, you have to read them, don't you?

Yes, I do.

We have written in Overheards.

If you want to send one in, send it in to SBY at maximumfund.org.

And this first one is from Zach from Logan, Utah.

Hi, Zach.

Hi, Logan, Utah.

This is around Christmas time.

This is a sign out in front of a church with the marquee.

The sign read, Christmas comes once a year.

How do you do?

And I was like, okay, that's fine.

Okay.

That's it.

And then the next two days later, later, I drove by and it said, I was going to get a picture of it.

And it says, Jesus can cleanse your dirty thoughts.

So it's as if the sign knew that it was setting up dirty thoughts in your head.

Oh, that's funny.

Do you think they did it on purpose?

I don't know.

It's God's plan.

Christmas comes once a year.

What do you do?

Yeah.

It's also some very good writing.

And did they spell cum?

Yeah, C0.

And then they were like, dirty, dirty.

Yeah, you guys are dirty for thinking I meant cum.

Hey, get yourself in there.

Come, all ye faithful.

Don't you you know that?

We just didn't have enough letters.

We had to spell it like that.

We didn't have an O and an E.

Well, we did have a U, so where are we?

We had to use it for how do you do?

There's so many O's and U's and so on.

E's.

This next one comes from Brad.

There's also a line in

Hark the Herald Angel thing that's behold him come.

There's also, you know.

You can't get the bucket.

This next one comes from Brad from Indiana.

At my son's ninth birthday party, I heard one of his friends say to another with a condescending and matter-of-fact tone, you've never seen a complete episode of Law and Order SVU.

Whoa, you just got served.

Yeah.

Oh, who's showing that to their kids?

It's just on, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's true.

You fall asleep to one.

The kid walks in in the room, sees the next four.

Still going.

Show is still.

You haven't seen it.

The quote was, you haven't seen a complete episode?

Yeah.

So you've only, you only know that the.

You didn't even get to the arraignment.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

You only know that there's two parts of the criminal justice system.

You just saw the law.

Yeah.

You saw the order, I think.

I was in a motel room watching like a marathon of SVUs.

That's what hotel rooms are.

I know.

And they had these teasers in between episodes that kept saying, what's so special about these special victims?

And I was like.

No.

They're sexually nice.

What's special?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're not like.

What's so special about these special victims?

Tune into.

I was like, no.

It's not like the X-Men where it's.

No, TBS, no.

TBS.

We expect more from you, TBS.

Just no.

How did that get through the marketing department?

I don't know how.

It's literally the first line of every episode.

This is like the I'd hit that hamburger commercial.

How did this get made?

Right.

I'd hit that hamburger.

Yeah.

If you guys weren't watching, I would.

This last one comes from Kate S.

from Brighton, England.

Wait.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh.

Will you allow it?

No, I just didn't.

I thought you had only done one.

No, I've done two.

I'll allow it.

This is a guy who used to teach at year two, which is six and seven years old.

And we were doing body and relationship lessons.

We were doing the first lesson was name your bits.

So he was getting names.

This is what this is called.

This is what that's called.

And at one point,

they were doing a cutting and sticking game where they had to match the bits to words.

You got the words, got the cut out.

Just a cutting and sticking game.

And

one girl said, I've lost my vagina on the floor.

Hilarious.

I dropped my penis, was another one.

And then boy one said, Gross, why do we have to learn all these rude words, boy, too?

So you can go to the doctor and say, Doctor, doctor, I've hurt my tentacles.

That kid's failing.

That's a fail.

Yeah, that's good.

So they've cut out them and they're

putting them on the pin the tail on the

wang of them.

You've got to repeat stage two class.

You didn't do your stick and glue properly.

Remember all those weird British words that we just heard?

We were doing this the cut and stick exercise.

Yeah.

Cut and stick.

I can live with them.

Now, in addition to overs that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one.

Ugh.

Spypod1.

Or send us a voice memo at spy at maximum fun.org because these

phone calls have bad audio.

Hi, Dave and Graham.

This is Andy from Brooklyn here with an overheard.

I was walking down the street in Brooklyn the other day and I heard some teenage girls talking.

And

one of them said,

She said a reminder of joy from inside out.

She doesn't know me.

I'm a bitch.

Yay, girl.

Yeah.

Own it.

She doesn't know.

I'm a bitch.

Be a bitch.

Yeah, be a bitch.

Be a little bitch, you little cunt.

2025.

Do you have to bleep me?

I mean,

we can't say it, but

you were making fun of the way British people talked, and suddenly you were like King Britt.

You're like King Charles over there.

No, I'm saying it in the other way.

Yeah.

And the women owning their power way.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The meredith birth of it all.

Yes.

Also, that's, I mean, a deep burn that you look like.

You remind her of joy from.

Yeah, I know these phone calls lately, the fucking service, they've been sounding like shit.

Was that no, no, it wasn't that it sounded shit.

Oh, I thought that was a voice memo.

No, it wasn't that it sounded bad.

I just pictured the wrong character in my head.

I pictured sadness,

but they for sure said joy.

Yeah, they said joy.

I just always picture sadness because that's a fun one to picture.

Sadness and also anger, I feel like.

I feel like sadness is the only one that's in my brain.

It's the only one I can picture.

Dano's like Lewis Black.

Yeah.

And he looks like a little groot.

He's like a square.

He's like a little square guy.

Yeah.

There's Whimsy,

Herman's Head.

Ironies.

There's the one on the swing from Herman's Head.

There's freaking...

She was on Friends, too.

Same actor.

Okay.

There is ennui in the new one.

There's Emo.

Sure, there's Goth, emo,

bret.

Yeah, there's nerds, jocks.

There's nerd.

There's the two wolves that are in you.

Yeah.

There's that dog in you.

And next phone call.

Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests.

This is Drew from Ohio calling in with an overheard of the Kids Save the Darnic Variety.

My daughter is four years old, and as such, she's a weirdo.

She's also a chocolate milk junkie.

So, last week, I poured her a glass of chocolate milk after school, and I hadn't noticed that the milk had started to turn.

So, she went into the living room to watch the cartoons, and she came back, and she gave it back to me.

She said, Dad, can I please have another one?

This milk tastes like abandoned streets.

Abandoned streets.

Abandoned fruits?

Abandoned streets?

Wow.

Abandoned streets.

Yeah.

Wow, there's your poetry.

Chocolate milk.

Yeah,

you got a little Ginsburg there.

Yeah, wow.

Hey, my kid's basically doing howl.

Oh, man.

I have seen the best minds of my generation poisoned by curdled milks screaming in the night.

Abandoned streets.

Yeah, wow.

Now I want chocolate milk.

Never gets mentioned.

I'm like,

even though it was spoiled in the mention, you were like, I want you to picture it in my head.

I can picture it.

Picture the good stuff first.

Oh, absolutely.

A few years ago, I remember giving my kids just regular milk.

One of them, and she was like, This is too spicy.

And I was like, Jesus.

God, I mean, everything's too spicy for you.

Milk?

Just spicy.

I put a little bit of salt on something.

It's too spicy.

How is the milk spicy?

It was bad.

Oh, it was bad.

Yeah,

it was at my parents' house, and they don't drink a lot of milk, I guess.

I mean, I've heard kids use spicy for like bubbly water.

It's kind of spicy.

I mean, it's not, you you know, they're learning.

Oh, they're learning.

They're learning to fine-tune it.

God bless them.

So we tried listening to another call, and it was, we could not hear it because of this.

Give me a break.

Yeah.

So sorry,

but someone did just while we were recording, send in a voice memo.

Really?

Okay.

And I haven't listened to it.

Did they hear us ask?

Maybe.

I mean, they can't.

We're not live.

Well, I don't know.

I know.

Dave, Graham.

What's up?

Guest, this is Dan in Kansas City.

I was just in a bathroom stall at an office building,

and

the stall in this bathroom had a divider that went all the way to the floor, so you couldn't see whether someone was using the bathroom from the outside.

And

I was in the stall

using the

toilet.

uh a guy came in i think he thought he was alone in there he went to the urinal

and

he was uh sort of chanting to himself yes

my giant cock

my giant cock my giant cock

anyway

off i go

Wow, okay.

Maybe he's just doing that like the secret.

You know, he's putting it out there in the world.

I'm not a guy, so I guess that's unusual behavior.

To be chanting at your own penis?

Yes.

Very unusual.

And specifically chanting that.

Well, you could chant, but what would be a more normal chanting?

Go get him, Tiger.

Yeah.

Let it rap.

We.

Four more years.

Four more years.

Oh, man.

Well, this has been a delight.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you were able to come and be a guest.

And you made it the whole way.

Yeah,

it seems like I'm still on the mortal plane with y'all.

You are.

And

it was good.

You haven't missed a beat.

Oh, great.

That's wonderful.

Do you have anything you'd like to plug?

Where can people find you?

Because you do so many different things.

I do a lot of different things.

People can, I think, still see the movie paying for it in theaters.

I have a very small part in this film, but I

Zookie and Lee's

new movie based on the graphic novel by Chester Brown.

It's, like I said, I have a very small part, but a lot of friends are involved, and I love this movie very much.

And I think it's just rounding out its kind of release in Canada.

It's done really well.

Really, really proud of everyone's work on it.

And on March 29th, I will be in Kitchener-Waterloo at the Pinch Cabaret doing performance poetry with Jamie Rosen, a collaborator of mine.

So I'm Ben Gorodetsky's show in Kitchener-Waterloo.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Some cool things to go check out.

And as we said earlier, next week is our Max Fun Drive where we have

to dig deep and support the show.

Yeah, you know,

some bonus episodes.

Yeah.

But you know what?

With us, you're getting a ton of bonus episodes.

You're getting a ton of bonus episodes.

And also, this week that this comes out, I will be in Toronto at Comedy Bar.

doing a show called Instagram,

which is on Sunday the

16th.

Sunday the 16th.

So

what comedy bar do you know?

The new one.

So it's not the Bluer Street.

It's the something.

Stanforth.

Stanforth.

It's Stanford.

So, you know, Becky's not going to be there.

She made a face.

I live in Vancouver now.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'm recovering still.

And thank you, everybody out there for listening.

And come on back tech for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.