Episode 923 - Maddy Kelly

Speaker 1 Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark.
And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo!

Speaker 1 Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode 923 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man who did the most fun gag

Speaker 1 opening the door since, you know, more fun than Kramer ever did. Mr.
Dave Shumka.

Speaker 1 Yeah, was it a Kramer-style gag? You know what it was? Okay. So I saw you two sitting at the coffee shop up the street.
One coffee, two straws. One coffee straw.

Speaker 1 Pop Tate's coffee shop. And

Speaker 1 this was a half an hour before the show was going to begin. And I thought, oh, these two are going to be coming to the, these guys are showing up at the same time.

Speaker 1 And we chatted. So you knew that I knew that we were all going to meet up.
Yeah. And so I thought it would be fun to seem really unprepared.
So I put on a house coat and I put a towel around my head.

Speaker 1 And I said, when you came to the door, I said, who's that today?

Speaker 1 My other thing I was thinking of maybe doing with that outfit was putting my face in the cake and saying, hello!

Speaker 1 I like that in that movie, he just had a cake. He had access to a full cake that just happened to be.
Also, like, pretty convenient, it was a vanilla cake.

Speaker 1 Billy Crystal would have maybe done chocolate.

Speaker 1 Our guest today, returning guest of the podcast, one of our all-time favorite guests. You can see her at Union Hall, December 12th in New York, New York.
It's Maddie Kelly. Hello.
Hey, everyone.

Speaker 1 Hey, how are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, Dave, the delight, the delight that was caused by the towel on the head. Thanks.

Speaker 1 Do you, are you a towel? Do you walk around like that after a shower? No, because

Speaker 1 I don't dare touch my hair with a towel. Oh, what's your post-shower ritual? Well, everybody online in the curl community is like, they just touched curls.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't even wear my hair curly anymore, but I still, I'm religious about this, where it's like, don't you dare ever touch it because it makes your little, every hair is smooth, okay?

Speaker 1 But then it gets roughed up. It gets roughed up by the

Speaker 1 fiber of a towel. You have to.
If you need to, you can dry your hair with a t-shirt, but I don't even recommend that. So if you're drip, drip, dripping, you just drip, drip, drip.

Speaker 1 I'm drip, drip, dripping. I'm putting in my products.
I'm brushing my hair. I'm putting in some more products.

Speaker 1 Are we doing VO5 hot oil? Are we doing Gunfrida's Frizzies?

Speaker 1 Guys, I wish this podcast had always been like this. I would love to tell you guys my hair routine.
Well, let's get to know us.

Speaker 1 Get to know us. Tell us more.
Okay, so I get a leave-in conditioner.

Speaker 1 Well, you're actually washing. You're putting in dry shampoo.
You're putting your weight. I do do that quite often.
I'm addicted to that. How many times a week do you wash your hair? Twice.

Speaker 1 Shampoo three times a week. How about you? Three.
I do it every day.

Speaker 1 Have you used Infusium, the leave-in users believe-in?

Speaker 1 Yes. Thank you for bringing that up.
And your leave-in shampoos, Batista?

Speaker 1 I do use the Batiste dry shampoo. Okay.
Okay. Yes, and it's so good.
I've tried it and it makes my hair look hilarious.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't do it. But you're not going for volume per se.
That's what I want.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want volume. Yeah, I want people to go, whoa, who wouldn't want volume? Yeah.
I want beefy waves. People don't want volume.

Speaker 1 You have so much volume. Do you ever go to like, oh, I need a dry shampoo that, yeah, it's the opposite of volume.
Well, yes,

Speaker 1 this is so funny. This is like talking about hair with boys.
It's like, you guys are laughing away. I'm like, it's actually not funny.

Speaker 1 Because I use hairspray, of course, to keep my hair tame. Oh, sure.
I would use hairspray for volume. I do that as well.

Speaker 1 It's a complicated life. And if you don't do it currently anymore, so are you always getting it straight? Are you always straightening it? Okay, I'm going to do the routine.

Speaker 1 So leave-in conditioner, a blow-out cream.

Speaker 1 So we've already shampooed. We've shampooed three times in conditioner.
Sorry, in the one shower. In one shower, I shampooed.
So when they say lather wrist, repeat, you repeat. Oh, I'm repeating.

Speaker 1 I do my pre-shampoo oil. Okay.
Then I do some yoga or hangout. Okay, that's before you even.
That's before I I need it in the shower. So you're letting this infuse.
Yeah. And that I love.

Speaker 1 I recommend that to anyone. What, to put oil in your hair? I love the oil because shampoo strips your hair so much.
You kind of put oil in so you're not stripping it too much. Oil in? Oil out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I put oil in my head, that's the end of the procedure.

Speaker 1 I mean, my hair is already greasy and it's going to. No, but sometimes

Speaker 1 my hair is greasy too. How do you tell if you need oil? Do you use a dipstick? Yeah.
No, you take it to a gas station. They present it to you.

Speaker 1 It's a little bit low. I hate this.

Speaker 1 the oil actually helps me i have greasy hair as well and it makes me go longer in between washes okay because my hair's you know got enough oil you ever do that and then do a ponytail or is it is your reward that it's so full of volume and everybody can compliment you on it yeah i do a i can do a ponytail do you know what the subreddit for uh people who don't wash their hair is no r slash no poo

Speaker 1 oh right for no shampoo yeah and then there's also r slash no fap yeah and then like is there a constipation one that's like. No, that's, yeah, that's R slash noo.
No hair washing.

Speaker 1 I'm the opposite of no poo. I'm

Speaker 1 three poo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it the same shampoo three times?

Speaker 1 Krista Neff's signature. Yeah, she's good.
And then couldn't she say three poo? No one talks about her. No.
Who is she? I don't know. Neff.
I even DM'd them. Huh? I DM'd them.
Did you do them?

Speaker 1 What did they say? Nothing. Yeah, we're.
And every other brand will always be like, thanks, babe. I love to DM DM a brand and they go thanks Chica which was the best

Speaker 1 she looks a little Latina they go XX

Speaker 1 what brand was the most friendly of all the brands

Speaker 1 horny boy soup shout out

Speaker 1 horny boy soup I made myself laugh

Speaker 1 that would be really friendly yeah

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah. Oh, yeah.
This year has been a big year for the reply guys, actually. Oh, yeah? Yep.
Just meant to move off my hair routine. God killed these kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 The reply guys, these are people that unsolicited are commenting on photos, et cetera. So I used to have, I used to have like a bench of like guys that would just reply to my story no matter what.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And these are guys who pined for you. I think so.
Yeah. And did you know any of them? Or were they just internet? They were just like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are they creeps? Or you call them creeps? No, I wouldn't call them creeps, but I found it interesting that they just didn't need any response from me in order to keep going. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come to Brazil. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, India, in my case.

Speaker 1 Yes. Marry me.

Speaker 1 Marry me, Pierce. That'd be kind of a fun meet cute, though.
You know, I was a reply guy. That is cool that you can do that, and the woman

Speaker 1 later will be like, no, they weren't creeps.

Speaker 1 Well, then, guess what?

Speaker 1 Spoiler alert, I met my boyfriend via DM. You did, really? My boyfriend slid into the DMs.
And we have to tell people that when they ask us how we met. What did he say? What did he say?

Speaker 1 So did he admire you from afar? He admired me from afar.

Speaker 1 Had he met you in real life? No, but we did have like mutual friends

Speaker 1 because he knew comedians.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he.
I got to meet some comedians. So I can meet her boyfriend.

Speaker 1 That's the best. No comedians.
His initial DM wasn't so good. Oh, was it?

Speaker 1 It's really embarrassing. Come on.
So I posted a picture of him. Oh, she doesn't want to say it.
In the banana filter? The banana filter? You know, when you're a makes you do a banana?

Speaker 1 Your eyes and your lips on the banana. Okay.
So I said that, and he said, did it hurt when the government turned you into a banana?

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I don't know what would be better. No, that's, that's, that lets you know you're paying attention.
He's funny.

Speaker 1 He's, he's, uh,

Speaker 1 he's going to write you back. Yep.
And that's going to write you first. Yeah.
He's a very prompt text. Would the God.

Speaker 1 How could we punch that out? Did it hurt when... Like, I like the did it hurt.
I thought that it was going to be, did it hurt when you fell out of heaven as a banana? Yeah, I fell out of banana.

Speaker 1 That's not bad. When somebody slipped on the banana and fell out of earth or something, something like that.

Speaker 1 But yeah, government turning you into a banana is pretty good. Not bad.
Yeah. And then what did you write back? Did you feel like you had, now we're riffing? I think I was like.
Leave me alone.

Speaker 1 I think I liked the message. Like, I'm not sure I responded to that one.
That's nice. Yeah.
Yeah. I am like, people send me videos unsolicited all the time.

Speaker 1 I, listener, if you're one of these people who do this, I don't always watch the video, but I always hit like.

Speaker 1 Unless you're someone who sends me a video every day and then I don't even reply.

Speaker 1 But then also, okay, so long story short, we started going out. Yeah.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 He's my boyfriend. The first date was actually at Chateau Moore Mall in LA.
Really? Yep. I'd always wanted to go.
And like, what? Wait. Are you dating Steven Dorf? I'm dating Steven Dorff? Yay.

Speaker 1 The reason we went there is because he was picking me up at my mother's house.

Speaker 1 And your mother's got a suite at the Chateau Marmall. My mom is Marmall.
She also said, like, she took him aside and said, if you do anything to like go, I don't want to. Is that, it's like a...

Speaker 1 fancy Hollywood hotel, but also like

Speaker 1 hangout. Yeah.
Like, is it a restaurant? Yeah. I'd never been.
I'd always wanted to go. Who died there? Who died and made you go there? Was it like John Belushi? Jim Morrison.

Speaker 1 John Belushi or Jim Belushi? It was Jim Belushi. He came back from the dead.
A lot of people said you couldn't keep him down, but he's back. And according to him.
According to him.

Speaker 1 That's what.

Speaker 1 If Jim Morrison came back from the dead, you should do an album called According to Jim.

Speaker 1 Okay, just look. Let me look up Chateau Marmont.
You know who was there, Dave? Was Was past Let's Make a Rom-com guest, Kiwi Smith. Oh, really? Did you, how did you know that? She was like over there.

Speaker 1 But how would you recognize her? Because we zoomed with her. Who's Kiwi Smith? Kiwi Smith is a.
She's a legendary screenwriter of Ten Things I Hate About You.

Speaker 1 Legally Blonde.

Speaker 1 Those are huge. Ella Enchanted.

Speaker 1 Her and her. She has a partner.
Yeah. But what was the other one that, oh, the House Bunny?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And the Hannah Ferris joint.

Speaker 1 Don Belushi died. Don Bellushi died.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 photographer Helmut Newton died there. He did? Yep.
Really?

Speaker 1 After suffering a heart attack and crashing his car while pulling out of the driveway.

Speaker 1 That sucks. Wow.
Rancor has 25 insane things that really happened at the

Speaker 1 Chateau Marmont. Britney Spears smeared food on her face.

Speaker 1 John Bonham drove a motorcycle through the lobby.

Speaker 1 Lizzie Lohan charged $45,000 to her room. That doesn't seem like it would be hard there.
No. Maddie Kelly goes on first date.

Speaker 1 It was,

Speaker 1 it was really fun. Yeah.
Okay. And, but I will say that I was nervous.
Sure. And you forget you're like, you want to be treated well.
You want, you want someone to be like taken somewhere fancy.

Speaker 1 That means they like you. But you forget that you're going to be more nervous because you're in a fancy place.
Right, because you don't deserve it. Because I don't deserve it.

Speaker 1 But this, you're going to this full shampoo routine. Oh, oh, the blowout went crazy.
I actually thought I was like,

Speaker 1 I snapped on it too hard. Did you ever, would you ever, for like a big event, go to get your hair done specifically for that? Or is that not in your lexicon? I would just do it myself.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because then I know what's going to happen. Yeah.
Yeah. And my makeup, too.
Honestly, at this point in my life, I prefer to do my own makeup. Yeah.
Yeah. Not me.
I still get it done. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And do it yourself. It looks good.
Yeah. Very natural.
Yep. You like the smokey eye? Yeah.
Just did the one

Speaker 1 and one teardrop.

Speaker 1 That'd be awesome if you answered the door in a full beat.

Speaker 1 You are currently living in New York, New York. Yes.
And do you like it there? Yes. You were just on Subway Takes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did it. I saw it.

Speaker 1 That's how you know you've made it in New York. Yeah.
That's how you know you've made it in New York. Actually, it was a good celebrity day because

Speaker 1 I go to a coffee shop every morning and I go to the same it's a bar at night. I go there every day.
Was Kiwi Smith there? Kiwi Smith was not there. She's busy at the chateau.

Speaker 1 Did you talk to her though? No, I didn't. I was on a date.
I was, you know, I couldn't network. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm focused. You are focused.
I have my parents in the right place. Oh, also, just to finish the date story, we left there and we went to the Apple Pan and had pie and that was really nice.

Speaker 1 The apple pan. And that was really, and it's like a big counter.
Two location date. Two location date.
Oh my god. Yes, it was five hours.
That's great. Did you still, what time did it start?

Speaker 1 It started at 5.45. 5.45.
Oh, Chateau Marmont really doesn't get cooked until about 11 at night.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Okay, so. Okay, sorry.
So you're in New York. So I'm in New York.
I'm going to do Subway takes. Excited.

Speaker 1 We were only at three shampoos. And we haven't got any more.

Speaker 1 We've put in the leaves. Yeah, we're going to do more.
We've put in the lead, but we have nothing. We have nothing else.
We don't know what happens next. That's exciting.

Speaker 1 We've been wanting more. Yeah.

Speaker 1 you guys are joking people want my hair routine yeah yeah

Speaker 1 those are some of my dms as well

Speaker 1 hey girl drop the tea

Speaker 1 drop the tea on your hair and spill it also

Speaker 1 is that involved are you spilling tea at any point what's going on with you today oh boy

Speaker 1 ever since i did that little bit

Speaker 1 you're like drunk drunk with power uh not power

Speaker 1 okay sorry so i go to the coffee shop because we're going to all meet and go on the train together. Me and the other people recording Sebway Takes.
Which this was, I was surprised. There's people.

Speaker 1 Yes. You're rotated in.
Yeah. Okay.
So you, how many? Five people. Five people of five people doing takes.
Yeah. This isn't the crew that you're meeting.

Speaker 1 And then there's two camera guys and this really awesome comic, Rami, who works on the show, who booked me.

Speaker 1 Do you ever go, did do the other people with takes, are they all like, I'm really nervous about my take. Yes.
Hey, can I go over my take with you? People were whispering their takes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was one that you thought, hey, this is pretty good?

Speaker 1 I don't remember. They were all fine.
If the listeners don't know what subway takes are, it's this guy, Kareem. He goes on the subway.
He holds up his Metro card.

Speaker 1 He has a microphone attached to his Metro card. It's the most innovative thing.
Yeah, it's not Subway Takes Jared Fogel style. This is on the train.

Speaker 1 He's actually a good Subway takes. Let me out.

Speaker 1 And then you're on the train and you have like you you talk for a couple minutes about you know your

Speaker 1 hot take your hot take and your hot take was my hot take was that we need to talk about how we're gonna get off instagram and meta but not really do it i mean i we don't need to do it like tomorrow like i wasn't trying to get i knew the movement wouldn't click immediately but i think that it's everyone's watching it on there that would instagram that would be positive to to start talk at least acknowledging how much we actually want to do this and then and then people give their take and he either says 100 agree or 100 disagree does he ever go 50 50 today he just said i don't have an opinion on that oh my god

Speaker 1 women should stop wearing bras

Speaker 1 uh you know what yeah i have no opinion on it either to be honest uh this is an individual right thing i think yeah

Speaker 1 the uh um your your take about uh men and facebook uh would you encourage people to go over to tick tock instead or is

Speaker 1 ranker seems to be doing pretty well they've got a lot of moments at uh the Chateau Marmont.

Speaker 1 I heard Lindsay Lowell had a charge of $45,000 for apparently Howard Hughes spied on women's sitting poolside. Hot tank.
I don't like it.

Speaker 1 They ran out of scene on crazy pretty fast.

Speaker 1 Hey, guess what?

Speaker 1 Everyone spies at women's sitting poolside. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what the pools are for. That's true.

Speaker 1 So I went to the coffee shop,

Speaker 1 went into on subway ticks. I come back to the coffee shop to get a shot of espresso to celebrate.
The coffee shop is empty except for one person who is Chapel Roan.

Speaker 1 Holy God.

Speaker 1 She's scowling at me. She's thinking, if you talk to me, I'll kill myself.
I'm like, girl, you're in my house. Like,

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to get a coffee. Where were you a couple hours ago when I needed good luck, babe?

Speaker 1 Oh, really good. Oh, I go on my day.
I leave. Okay.
Why was she the only one in there? Was she shooting something? No, no, she wasn't. She was trying to get a coffee.
But she was

Speaker 1 God, did she look scared? She couldn't get her hair through the door.

Speaker 1 I would like like to see her hair routine is in a neighborhood called well it's it's called dimes square right and it's sort of yeah it's like kind of bad in fact because it's gentrifying it's over is it in but like you don't go to like if you're chapel road you don't go to dimes square

Speaker 1 you get dime square delivered you go on to be seen charlie x

Speaker 1 at least she goes she takes a couple pictures you know what i mean i guarantee if anyone was like hey i like you she'd be like thanks thanks thanks babe but chapel road was truly looking at me like she would die if I mentioned the fact that she was one of the most famous people in the world.

Speaker 1 Certainly one of those people. She's standing there with a backpack on.

Speaker 1 She's so real for that. Yeah.
Anyway, wait. Then I go to get my Samuel.
You wait. Well, it's hard to get a word in edgewise today.
I'll say that. Yeah, Dave,

Speaker 1 get some words in edgewise, Maddie. So I go to the deli, and when I leave the deli, I see a guy in a car, and I go,

Speaker 1 I think that's Samuel Jackson. Really? But it's too far away to tell.
Doesn't matter. matter.
Whoever it is opens the car door, throws up onto the ground. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 So that was the day of my subway take. That's amazing.
What a day. I know.
Quite a day. Graham and I had one celebrity sighting when we were in New York together.

Speaker 1 We were walking to have a drink with Caitlin Fontana, who was living in New York at the time. And we were walking down the street in Manhattan.
Yeah. And we saw

Speaker 1 a woman with a gigantic ass. Yeah.
And Graham and I aren't the kind of, we're not that kind of friends. Yeah, we don't look at women at the side of fools.
That's not our face.

Speaker 1 But like, it's very rare that we would be like, wow,

Speaker 1 are you seeing what I'm seeing? But we both were like, hi, is that the real?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this was 2012, 2011, around then. And

Speaker 1 we got closer because she couldn't walk very fast.

Speaker 1 And it was Ice T's girlfriend. Wife.
Oh, wife. Coco.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
And yeah,

Speaker 1 her big thing was that she has a big butt. Right.
So it did not disappoint in person. And I don't know what she's up to now.
I don't know if she's still. Oh, we wish her well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 For everyone to stop podcasting yourself. This holiday season and celebrate with a glass of cocoa.
Glass cup.

Speaker 1 Coco. That was so hooked.

Speaker 1 Guys, I thought it was going to be Kim Kardashian. Oh, no, that's your memorial.
I don't even know who Coco is. It's Ice T's wife.
Yeah. You know who Ice T is? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every time I see a celebrity in New York, it's directly outside my house.

Speaker 1 They always love to walk by my house.

Speaker 1 Who's in the top five? Okay, well, this is a good one. And he's not that famous.
Sorry. Okay.
But we love. He's a friend of the show, I think.

Speaker 1 But on my birthday, I was about to walk back into my apartment. Someone is standing befuddled outside my apartment.

Speaker 1 This should be ones where we guess. If it's a friend of the show.

Speaker 1 I don't know how close of a friend of the show he is. In fact, he might never have met him.
All right, that's cool. We have

Speaker 1 numerous guests who don't remember being on the show.

Speaker 1 Is it a native New Yorker? Yes. Is it John Hodgman? No, but David Letterman.
Close. Nope.
Not a friend. Oh, no, he's a big fan.

Speaker 1 I give up. It was Colin Quinn.

Speaker 1 Not a friend.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, he's sort of adjacent in a way.
Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We've had a lot of people. He's probably friend of a friend of the show.
He's friend of Banner, Kevin Banner. Oh, is he? Yeah.
So I go like this.

Speaker 1 I look at him like, oh my God. Because I'm like, it's my birthday.
You're one of my favorite comedians just standing outside my apartment, you know? Wow. And then he was like being very mysterious.

Speaker 1 And he was like, you know, all the best people have birthdays today and tomorrow. And I was like, is it your birthday tomorrow? And he went, yep.
Wow. Isn't that cute?

Speaker 1 Did you wish him a happy birthday in advance? Yes, I wished him a happy birthday. So if you want to find out Maddie's birthday, what you got to do, go to colincrag.com and mine is Sunday.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it's also the same birthday as Rafa Nadel.

Speaker 1 Yours or Colin? Tennis Player. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 That's probably why you're so good on clay.

Speaker 1 I'm incredible on clay. And I have a Western grip.
Oh, is that right? I pick my butt. He does have a weird

Speaker 1 picking ritual before every serve. He wears capris that get caught in his butt.
Sure. Always has.
Anyways, Colin Quinn, great, great run-in with a celebrity. He's a pro.

Speaker 1 At the end, he said, Say hello to your mothers. Oh, that's nice.
Isn't that kind? Yeah. But I should have told him.
I was like, his best friend is Eddie Pepito.

Speaker 1 And I like, I did a show with Eddie Pepito. He came and did my show.
And call him the Bitter Buddha. He's great.
We did it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We did a live podcast with him a billion years ago.
I love him. Yeah, he's great.
Yeah. He came to town and played at the Mauden.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
He was like,

Speaker 1 on my show, he was like. perturbed because he'd lost his AirPods.
And I was like, well, he's got AirPods? He's always got to find something to be perturbed about. Sure.

Speaker 1 It's like the way that Michael Jordan always needs to find

Speaker 1 a rival. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, even if it's in gambling, etc. Here are my

Speaker 1 other celebrity sightings. Okay.
The last time I went to New York.

Speaker 1 Morgan Spurlock, rest in peace. Okay.
Walking through the ring. Was he dead at the time? He was dead at the time.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I forgot he died. Yeah.
It was a big day. That's the day the music died for me.
Darn it.

Speaker 1 And, oh, no, two more.

Speaker 1 The star of 16 Candles? Nope. All you're in the ring? No.

Speaker 1 Pretty and pink.

Speaker 1 Andrew McCarthy. Andrew McCarthy.
He was walking near whatever that sort of market, that sort of gentrified marketplace is.

Speaker 1 What's it called? The Grove. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a place that's got like a bunch of. I call that character Not Ducky.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he was walking with a Columbia sportswear shopping bag.
Maybe bought himself a Gore-Tex jacket. Yeah, so he's doing all right.
And then in

Speaker 1 the elevator of the place we were staying, the apartment Airbnb kind of thing we were staying at, Kiki Palmer. Oh, that's good.
I love it. Kiki Palmer? She was in the elevator with us.

Speaker 1 She was Akeelah from Aquila and the Beat. Oh, sure.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And she had that legendary tweet.

Speaker 1 Was it? I can do it. Yeah, I can do it by word, by memorization.
So I think someone had compared her to someone else, or someone was like, oh, like, she's this generation's whatever.

Speaker 1 And she said, I was the first as the youngest Cinderella on Broadway. I was this.
I was that. She said, any comparison of me to anyone else is an example of colorism.

Speaker 1 I'm a once-in-a-generation of talent. This is Kiki Bomber.
Wow. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 And it was so true. She's so good at so many things.
Yeah. Is she in

Speaker 1 and she was in Nope. Yeah, Nope.
That's the one with the animals and the aliens. Yeah.
And then she had a podcast called This is Kiki Bomber. And she had a because of that tweet.

Speaker 1 But the one thing, the other meme she's famous for is not knowing who Dick Cheney is. That's cool.

Speaker 1 It's no longer relevant. She said, I'm sorry to this man.

Speaker 1 There was a thing where they were like, she had to, I don't know, what, some segment on something where she had to know who someone was.

Speaker 1 Said, I don't know who that is. I'm sorry to this man.
You're like, this is a man who shot his friend in the face. That's his big.
I know who Dick Cheney is, but I don't think I know him. On site?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like his face very well. He looks kind of like...
Even though he just died. He looks a bit like Karl Rove.
Does that do anything for you?

Speaker 1 Okay, so that was one. Colin Quinn.
That's one. Another one,

Speaker 1 to be fair, my roommate saw this, but she was walking directly in front of our apartment. Okay.
Mindy Kaling. Okay.
That's a good one. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 And number three, I think, is this is poetic justice for me because I had this disagreement. Did Mindy Kaling say, people are always trying to marry me in India? Are you getting?

Speaker 1 You could have bonded over that. We could have bonded over that.
I bet she gets the same. I bet she gets that a lot.

Speaker 1 Was that racist of me to bet that? No, we'll go back and edit it. Statistical.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So, okay. I gotten this.
We were all, I was, one time I was at dinner, a bunch of friends. Okay.
And there was a guy I didn't really know named Chris. Okay.

Speaker 1 And we were all going around doing our celebrity lookalikes. Okay.
Everyone was saying who they, who people say about them, like, not even who they think they look like. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, I always get Katie Holmes. This guy, Chris, goes, no.

Speaker 1 I went, sorry. He's like, you don't look anything like Katie Holmes.
And I was like, well, I get it all the time. Like, that's what people, people like, people say this to me.

Speaker 1 Like, a woman at airport airport security once said this. Surre Cruz comes up to me all the time and he's like, mama.

Speaker 1 Her name's Suri. And then he was like, no, you're hobby.
You don't look like Katie Holmes. I'm infuriated by this.
Okay. Cause he didn't take objection to anyone else's celebrity lookalike.
Right.

Speaker 1 So I tell, I dined out on this story for a while. It's really pissed me off.
I don't really like this. Katie Holmes walks directly in front of my apartment.
She looks nothing like me.

Speaker 1 So she didn't like fix her hair in a window and you're like, no, but it's me.

Speaker 1 You didn't.

Speaker 1 We needed to do a parent trap.

Speaker 1 Did you?

Speaker 1 I remember a few years ago

Speaker 1 on Facebook, which we got to get back on Facebook. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 That's your hot take, right? There was a thing that was like, no, my hot take? Yeah. Oh, fuck.
We got to come up with our hot take. Yeah, what would be your guys's?

Speaker 1 Hey, what's your hot take? Here, I'm holding a little. Okay.

Speaker 1 I think that John Belushi should have never died.

Speaker 1 That's my hot take. 100% disagree with you.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what happens if he disagrees with you?

Speaker 1 Then you have banter. Okay.
Yeah, because it's like, yeah, he shouldn't have died because those bees, we needed the bees. Yeah, we need the bees.
We needed samurai. We needed Taylor.
Hamburger guy.

Speaker 1 Yep. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
Do you guys know the story about Kamala Harris's shelved subway take? Oh, they shelved them? That's what happened to mine.

Speaker 1 She and Tim Walls both did one.

Speaker 1 And Tim Walls was like, people should take better care of their gutters. People should check their gutters.
Okay. She knows it's on brand.
He's folksy. He cares about

Speaker 1 homework. He cares about things.

Speaker 1 He's a dad vibe, right? She goes on. Firstly, they had to make a subway for her.
Like, they had to make a car to shoot it in. She'sn't doing it.
She didn't go on the regular subway.

Speaker 1 It's too dangerous. So they built a set? They built a set for her.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And her take, she's a month out from the presidential election. Yeah.
She says bacon is a spice. Oh, God.
Well, that's where the campaign sunk. She says bacon is a spice.
Bacon is a spice.

Speaker 1 Personally, no, it's not. Yeah.
Banana is a yogurt. Like, who cares about that? Bacon can be a topping.
You can shake it on like a

Speaker 1 best it's what, a 2012 bacon pro bacon joke? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, I don't know. There's a lot going on in the Middle East with people not eating pork.

Speaker 1 Like, it's not really like a time to be talking about bacon, I wouldn't say, is your main thing you're so excited about. She should have, I think, her take should have been, I want to be president.

Speaker 1 That's what Mom Donnie did. Yeah.
He said, I want to be mayor. He should be the mayor.
I thought he said bacon was a spice.

Speaker 1 But sometimes when we're really overwhelmed, me and my friends, we go, bacon is a spice, bacon is a spice. And

Speaker 1 how deep into the thing do you think, like into the take before her campaign manager was like, we are not airing this. This is Secret Service get her out of the way.
It was a mutual decision.

Speaker 1 Because Kareem said he didn't want to be blamed for her losing the election.

Speaker 1 That's good.

Speaker 1 My hot take.

Speaker 1 Dave, what's your hot take?

Speaker 1 What if

Speaker 1 Jack Nicholson

Speaker 1 was the chef from Redatouille? I think it would sound a little already. 100% agree.
Like this.

Speaker 1 Dave does a famous Jack Nicholson. There's a red in my head.

Speaker 1 Hey, there's a red in my head. Is that better? Is that anything? You know, he hasn't been in a movie lately.

Speaker 1 It's because he's retired. He's retired.
Well. Yeah, he's out there eating subways on boats.
He's retired. Analyze that.
Would you guys ever retire? We were talking about this. Yeah, I'm trying to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I wouldn't like to retire.
No?

Speaker 1 I like sitting around. I already do a lot of that.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm kind of pre-retired. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm hoping to be called out of retirement. Yeah, that is true.
You want that

Speaker 1 one last job, that kind of thing. Yeah.
Bill Hanley had that great joke.

Speaker 1 My parents are semi-retired, so we have that in common.

Speaker 1 Can you adopt a grandchild instead of just a child?

Speaker 1 Can you adopt the next generation so they can come and visit you and you can have a good time and spoil them? Yes. Hot take?

Speaker 1 100% agree. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, that's great. Yeah, that's fantastic.
Now, so we're out of the shower.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, so this is the most important part because there's no towel.
There's no towel. You towel your body.
Yep. And then you stand in the shower.

Speaker 1 Are you walking around dripping everywhere?

Speaker 1 I have a towel robe. Yep.
So a lot of the water is falling into the hood of the hood. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing some squishing of water out. Sure, a little wringing it out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But not too hard. Yeah.
Gentle. It's your hair.

Speaker 1 I also find when you brush your hair, like have a wet brush,

Speaker 1 that also gets a lot of the water out. Now, a wet brush is Graham doesn't know this, but I know this.
I only know a hot comb. Yeah.
A wet brush is that

Speaker 1 it doesn't start wet, does it?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Do you have a big thing of barbicide?

Speaker 1 I like that barbicide has made it through the generations. Yeah.
You know, you and your

Speaker 1 dad can have a fun joke about barbicide. They don't have it in salons.
It's a barbershop. Yeah, it is really a bar.
Do they have it in salons? I have it. Yeah, salonicide.
Nice.

Speaker 1 Teddy Kelly, everybody.

Speaker 1 Teddy Kelly.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I then rough dry my hair with a hair dryer. Okay.

Speaker 1 You have a diffuser?

Speaker 1 No, there's no diffuser.

Speaker 1 I do own one. You're brushing as you're doing it? No.
You're just.

Speaker 1 But I'm raking quite aggressively my hair. With your fingers? And

Speaker 1 with my fingers. And I'm blowing it.
I'm going upside down. Don't blow it.
I'm blowing it. What temperature are we blowing? Hot.
Just a hot.

Speaker 1 A hot thing. Sure.
I could use any dryer. Yeah.
I mean, in the hotels. And I'm getting that.
I'm getting it till my hair is about 70% dry. Okay.
Some people might do, like, you could go up to 90% dry.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But.
I never would. Exactly.
I have curly hair, so I need a little, you know. And then I get this thing, and it's like a, it's a new thing.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It's like a brush and it has hot air coming out of it, a round brush. A round brush with hot air coming out of it.
Where does it plug in? Is it battery?

Speaker 1 Or is there a little creature inside blowing hot air out? Yes, there's a little creature inside blowing hot air out.

Speaker 1 We're really starting to nothing here. You know, I got to explain electricity to you guys.

Speaker 1 So then I do a blowout with that and I section my hair and I do it. But honestly, that only takes about 12 to 15 minutes.
And

Speaker 1 how many sections of your hair are there?

Speaker 1 Really good crush done.

Speaker 1 One, two, three,

Speaker 1 four, five, six, seven, eight.

Speaker 1 Wow, what would you have guessed?

Speaker 1 Sections of head? Yeah. Two.
Three, yeah, I was just guessing three.

Speaker 1 Front and back. Depends how thick your hair is.
Inside, outside.

Speaker 1 And then I put a little oil in the ends. Uh-huh.
Just the ends? Yep. And you're going to do this.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 Dave did the like classic. Yeah, I'm trying.
I'm just pushing the ends up. Yeah.
And then perhaps I could put, you know, like. And does it come out curly? Does it come out straight?

Speaker 1 It comes out like what you have right now. Yeah, it comes out.
Okay, I did it this morning. Yeah, you got it.
I refreshed it. Thanks for doing it for us.
Anytime. Do you have a, is it always Fridays?

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, it's often Fridays. Yeah.
The old everything shower on the Friday. Now, here's the thing: you've been on the podcast many, many times.
In the past, we have addressed

Speaker 1 a couple who's the most asinine couple

Speaker 1 of the time. And oh, I think we know who it is right now.
Who is it? Justin.

Speaker 1 Well, I want to.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 my God.

Speaker 1 Of course. Yeah.
Somebody say

Speaker 1 just eat.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Is that for a commercial? Yeah, when she did the dishes commercial. Oh, yeah.
And she wear like funny flavor food outfits.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
Okay. Katie Perry,

Speaker 1 and Justin Trudeau are an item. Yeah.
What are your thoughts?

Speaker 1 What do you think they do on a date? No, literally, what do they talk about? Yeah. Canadian politics? It's literally like Kendon Barbie.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't think he's that interested in Canadian politics.

Speaker 1 Truly, probably.

Speaker 1 Can I say, okay, so last night we were talking about this at the Mike Comedy Show. Me and Nathan were on stage.
Yeah. Nathan Hare.
Nathan Hare.

Speaker 1 Hair routine. And he's bald.
I know. But his name.
He's just bald as all hell.

Speaker 1 He was just saying his whole family has hair. I didn't know that until last night.
He was adopted.

Speaker 1 Someone did a grandchild adoption thing so they could spoil them. Aw, so they could spoil him.
That's my fair part. I didn't know Nathan Hare was in town.
Yep. Is he here? How long is he here for?

Speaker 1 He left today. Damn it.
Yep. Sorry about that.
Well, I think we know where we stand with him.

Speaker 1 Wait, but okay, so I have to kind of steal his joke, which is actually his dad's joke.

Speaker 1 But he was saying that his dad got on the Thanksgiving Zoom, and everyone was talking about Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau. And his dad went, yeah.
I heard Carney's going out with the XEX now. Nice.

Speaker 1 Nice. The XEX?

Speaker 1 The XEX.

Speaker 1 Isn't that funny? And Nathan was like, I never heard anyone call her XEX. That's so funny.
Isn't that awesome? Yeah. It's fun that they got some new Robin song dropped today.
What's that?

Speaker 1 New Robin song dropped today. Oh, really? Yeah, that's thrilling.
Dancing with someone this time. Go, go, get your.

Speaker 1 Go, go, catch it, Lee. Go, go, catch it.
She has gotten me through some tough times. Yeah.
No, I think in all the history of us doing this segment, this is the best one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To the point where we can't even have it.

Speaker 1 It's been, who has it been in the past? It's been, I remember. Sheen Gunn Kelly, I think, was one of them.
And Megan

Speaker 1 Fox? Yep. Yeah.
And then.

Speaker 1 well it started because we had a bet who would break up first elon musk and grimes or ariana grande and pete davidson yeah and uh i both think they broke up like a five seconds who did yeah pete yeah pete and pete pete had a bit longer of a time and a penis if you recall

Speaker 1 and i recall

Speaker 1 uh and then um oh well the but grimes and and elon musk broke up but kept having babies so who knows

Speaker 1 Yeah, what is your status, you guys? They're having kids together still.

Speaker 1 And then I think it was Zooie Deschanel and a property brother. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. We talked about that a lot.
Yeah. Yeah.
And now it's like, it's not even funny to talk about Elon Musk at all.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's like, it just really shows you how our times have changed.

Speaker 1 That was a fun topic on a podcast. Yeah.
Yeah. You know? He was just kooky.
It was kooky, but he does have

Speaker 1 deformed penis energy. Oh, does he? With the debotch penis surgery energy,

Speaker 1 man, that's all, as far as I'm concerned, that's all penis surgeries. They're all

Speaker 1 what's the best result? I bet they're they're good. What's your end game? Yeah, just like,

Speaker 1 well, are you like,

Speaker 1 doing it

Speaker 1 after you've already been naked in front of somebody and they're like, huh, something's different.

Speaker 1 I'm, I get injections. Yeah.
Oh, smart. Yeah.
Saline? No, Sriracha.

Speaker 1 That's hard to find these days. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 no comment really on Justin True. It's weird.
We don't know what they talk about. They were on a boat together at one point, right? Yeah, at least they weren't on a stand-up paddleboard.

Speaker 1 I think that it's tough with them because it's like, I don't care about either of you guys.

Speaker 1 I really am. Who do you care less about?

Speaker 1 Him. Yeah.
You still have some vested interest in Miss Perry? Sure. Yeah.
She's fine. Feminist icon.
Yeah. One time she went down a water slide slide and her top came off.
It was her bottom.

Speaker 1 Oh, was it? Yeah, after you brought that up last time I looked it up. I'm expecting to hear about the goings-on of major pop stars dating lives, okay? Yeah.
I am not so much.

Speaker 1 If you're a disgrace, in my opinion, he's a disgraced prime minister. Right.
I don't like him

Speaker 1 anymore. You kind of liked him when he had those Star Wars socks.
I think we all agree. Yeah, those were fun.
Yeah. He ushered in a horrible era

Speaker 1 of neoliberal weed. Yeah.
Terror.

Speaker 1 He legalized weed. Got to give him that.
He did legalize weed, didn't he? And he had some women in his cabinet.

Speaker 1 Because it was 2016. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you remember anything else about 2016. Was that the year? The year of what? Remember because he said, like, why did you do this? And he said, because it's blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 What year was it? I think it was 2016. Yeah, I think that's it.
I think it was 2016, too.

Speaker 1 And he also, I remember he

Speaker 1 had, there were some photographs of him. I think he must have just stuck his face in a chocolate cake when the visitor was coming up.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 And you know what? He still got voted in again. That didn't slow him down.
I feel like you have to do a lot more now to get slowed down than, you know, just... Just a little bit of blackface.

Speaker 1 Yeah, or like,

Speaker 1 what did Michael Dukakis do? He like rode around in a tank and everybody thought it was funny, and that was the end of his career. Whoa.
Yeah. It's different.
Different time. Different times.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 People were were serious. Yeah.
Now everything's a big fat joke. Yeah.
Yeah. I wish people were a little more serious.
Yeah. I wish people would say,

Speaker 1 I just, wait, you know, like maybe like no more laboo boos. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like we're adults.
Like maybe we don't buy toys. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would that be so wrong? This is all hot tanks. Yeah.
This is a good hot tag. We should start Quiznose tanks.

Speaker 1 Henry doesn't like when I talk about this.

Speaker 1 You buy someplace.

Speaker 1 He got lefu food and it was a really sore subfood for him my boyfriend his name's henry yeah what's left is when you buy a labo boo and it's a fake one his his looks demonic how did he um what does a labo boo cost i don't know and what are what if you get a if you accidentally buy a fake one are you out are you like i'm ruined i think it's like they're supposed to be forty dollars and he got his for 10 and he was like he thought that was so but how does he know it's fake Because the face is all crazy.

Speaker 1 Well, I hate to break it to you. The faces are crazy on the regulars.
It looks like it's been punched in the face. Yeah, I don't like it.

Speaker 1 I don't like it, but like, I like your take about not buying toys. I don't agree with it, but I like it.
I just think we need, I think that, like, we need to.

Speaker 1 I think millennials need to grow up. Yeah.
Are you a millennial? Yep. Okay.
And take charge. Right.
And I, I really resent when people don't think, like, people, millennials are 40 now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't say that.

Speaker 1 So it's like we should be in charge of stuff. Yeah, that's true.
I remember when you were our young guest. Right.

Speaker 1 Well, this has been the big thing this week because we were talking about with me and Mark and Ryan. We were like talking about my 30th birthday.
And they were like, ha ha, in 10 years.

Speaker 1 And I was like, it's in six months.

Speaker 1 I think it's like the day before Colin Quinn's

Speaker 1 30th. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Me and Colin Quinn are doing a joint 30th birthday this year.

Speaker 1 What is the thing that you want to do within the first year of being 30? Oh, what a great question. Thanks.
Probably run for Senate. Oh, nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
I can't vote in America.

Speaker 1 But can you represent? There's no rule that says you can't run for Senate. There's no rule that a

Speaker 1 dog can be president.

Speaker 1 President dog. Love it.
President Woofles.

Speaker 1 Chair Bud. I don't know.
Does he sit in a chair? No, Chair Bud, if he's like the CEO. Yeah, or if he's chairman of the board.
Chairman of the Bud. A dog would be good at this point.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right?

Speaker 1 Now that's a hot day. Now that's stifling a yawn.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 just going back, if we're going through the history of you as our guest, you're famously our witchiest guy. Oh, yes, and I brought you guys tarot cards.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. You want to give it a shuffle? Yes, I do.
See if anything pops out for you. You're not bad at shuffling.
Dave, you shuffle. Okay, let's see.
Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Cards went everywhere. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I wasn't ready for them. I wasn't.
Should I have told you that I brought them for you guys? No, you know what? We forgot to take a picture of our guests. So remind me to do that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Maybe the cards will remind me. Okay.

Speaker 1 So what do you want? Edit out this mishap. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is a part of this. This is life, baby.

Speaker 1 This is what people tune in for. Oh, they're shuffling.
They dropped a bunch. Listen.

Speaker 1 There you go. Yes, MR.

Speaker 1 So just pull

Speaker 1 and we'll see what advice it has for you.

Speaker 1 How many are in a deck?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 No more questions.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get the microphone right next to the shuffle.

Speaker 1 And. Okay.
And

Speaker 1 I can't

Speaker 1 bridge things.

Speaker 1 Okay, you want to take a card? How does it work? So you take it off the middle, take it off the top. You can just go with your instincts.
Just pick a card. Pick a a card.

Speaker 1 And then, Graham, after you'll hold it, the deck, and then you will pick a card. And I'll pick a card.
Okay. So I take one? Yep.
For yourself. Okay, I'm going to cut it in the middle.
Nice.

Speaker 1 And take this one. Right.
Do you want to know what it is? Yep. It's the shit of fuck.
Oh, what the hell? That's lucky. No, you're going to love this one.
This is like a famous one. Really? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you want to guess it? So we're playing.

Speaker 1 Graham, your turn. Okay.
I'm just going to do

Speaker 1 this one. Great.
Okay, now hand it back to you. Well, sure.
This is, do you want to know what mine is? Okay. Well, I'll give you a clue.
This is on from 7 to 7.30, right before Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune.
That's what I got. Okay.
That's really, okay. So the Wheel of Fortune,

Speaker 1 that's good. Oh, good.
Yes.

Speaker 1 That symbolizes that things are up to chance because you've sort of done everything right. Sure.
And fortune favors the bold. So take chances.
So

Speaker 1 I'd like to buy a vowel. Okay.
I thought that would be, I thought

Speaker 1 yours might be a little bit like, tell us more about your you and your state of your life. Okay, Knight of Cups.
That's really, honestly, the Knight of Cups. Is it actually? Yep.
Show me.

Speaker 1 It's Wheel of Fortune. Trickster.

Speaker 1 I'm what is known as the trickster in the

Speaker 1 community. I am

Speaker 1 a woman and a lion.

Speaker 1 Strength card.

Speaker 1 Right? It's strength. Nice.

Speaker 1 Strength is all about balancing opposing forces.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 for example, like the plunge. Like me and Maddie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yin and yang.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 I mean, the easiest explanation of it, of course, is just like be strong. Okay.
Sure. But it is about balancing like material and spiritual.

Speaker 1 I'm all material. I'm a material girl.
Everyone says it. Everyone says it.

Speaker 1 You can do great things

Speaker 1 if you

Speaker 1 apply strength. Oh, no.
Yeah. I like the first part.
The second part looks like a drag. Oh, that's why you pulled this card.
But yeah, it's about balance. And

Speaker 1 you guys both pulled major arcanas. Go on.
Which there's like minor arcanas and there's major arcanas.

Speaker 1 And yeah, these both mean, I would say, that something is happening to you spiritually, and it's your turn to react to it. Yeah, I go to that.
As opposed to it coming from you. Gotcha.
Yep.

Speaker 1 I'm going to look. I'm going to take an inventory.
Did you guys enjoy that? I did. Yeah.
Big money. No whammies.
Do you, do you, as a person who knows, Terra, do you take a card? I'll pull one too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then we'll explain what it is.
Okay, great.

Speaker 1 Okay. She's pulling a card.
She's being weird about it.

Speaker 1 She's not that.

Speaker 1 Oh, dear. This is just the legendary.
Jack of five.

Speaker 1 That is the five of cups. Five of cups.
This is

Speaker 1 all right.

Speaker 1 V, it's a very lonely looking figure. Yeah, and this is...
V is probably mean five. Upside down, it's like an A without the cross guy.
And she's poolside, which is crazy. Yeah, and Howard Hughes is

Speaker 1 keeping on her from the Spruce Moose.

Speaker 1 From the Spruce Moose. So what is this guy? Well, I don't love to see that.
It's,

Speaker 1 you know, it's someone who's too caught up in the cups that have fallen in front of him to see the cups that are

Speaker 1 to come or there. Someone who's too introspective about heartbreak.
But perhaps it it is just because I haven't talked to my beloved boyfriend Henry on the phone this week.

Speaker 1 Well, he's in Indonesia. He's in Indonesia.
Otherwise, I would have talked to him. He's not just not talking to me this week.
What's he doing there? He's on a surf trip with his father.

Speaker 1 Man, I never go on surf trips with my dad. I can't even remember the last one.
My dad is all like, ooh, let's go skydiving. No, no, Dad.
You said cowabunga to me like six months ago.

Speaker 1 Dave, what's going on with you? Well, I'm going on a surf trip with Henry's dad.

Speaker 1 And uh how's your how's your spirit uh boy well not strong but but wheel of fortune y nice um here's what's going on with me so yeah here's a fun little story here we go um i uh this week bought a pair of jeans oh

Speaker 1 now you famously have a lot of jeans i famously have a lot of jeans but i've i feel like since i've been playing hockey that my uh hips have become more shapely wow okay my thighs have become more succulent yeah i was gonna say but I'm glad you said it instead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I wanted to get some jeans that accommodate

Speaker 1 those guys.

Speaker 1 And so I went and I bought a pair of jeans. And then

Speaker 1 I'm not wearing them right now because I didn't want you guys talking about the fit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't want you singing, why do you look so good in those jeans? How you come around here with an ass like that?

Speaker 1 Do you know what that is? No, no.

Speaker 1 In a star is Born, Lady Gaga is.

Speaker 1 She's like... When she's on SNL? Yeah, when she's on SNL, that's the...
And Bradley Cooper's like, no, you're not doing music right.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. He was such a grouch in that movie.
But like, that's just such a silly song.

Speaker 1 And in the, I think in the

Speaker 1 Barbara Streisand

Speaker 1 version, she went on Sid Caesar's show of shows.

Speaker 1 No, she went on early SNL. Yeah.
She was like, oh man, this

Speaker 1 bees. This Belushi Belushi guy's on to something.

Speaker 1 He's saying one half of the blues brothers?

Speaker 1 It's cool that he's saying that stuff that sounds Japanese.

Speaker 1 It's a different time. Yep.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I got these jeans

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I was like, well, they're too long. I need to get them hemmed.
But I wanted to wear them around the house for a day to make sure that when I got them hammed, I know where to hem them.

Speaker 1 Like have them stretch out a bit on my comely ass. Yeah, yeah, and your succulent legs.
Um, so I wore them around the house for a day. Then yesterday morning, I went down to the mall.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You got these at the mall? Nope. Okay, you got these online? I got them at a store.
Got them in a store. Okay.
The store offers hemming, but they say it'll take a while. They do hem and hot.

Speaker 1 They actually really were. They're like, how long will I, if I hem them here, how long until I get them back? And they're like,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know what you should say.

Speaker 1 No, they said it would be about a week. So I was like, I'm going to go to the place I've gone to before in the mall.
Sure. And so I went there.
I brought the jeans and

Speaker 1 I had already pinned them where I wanted them. Sure.
Hemmed. And I went up to the lady and it says

Speaker 1 you have to pay with debit or

Speaker 1 cash. No credit.
Oh, okay. And so I and I checked my pockets and I was like, oh, I don't have my wallet on me.
I only have my phone. So I could, I, and I could only do credit on my phone.

Speaker 1 So I said, can I pay when I pick them up? And she said, sure. Can I barter? Yeah.
Would you take this other pair of jeans? Yeah, or like, I can do some modeling

Speaker 1 for the front of your business. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I dropped them off. She said, come back at three.

Speaker 1 And around two o'clock, I'm like, okay, let me get my wallet. I can't find my wallet anywhere.

Speaker 1 I check my car. It's not in my car.
I check my

Speaker 1 tray by the front door. I check my bedside table.

Speaker 1 These are all the hot spots. These are all the hot spots where they would be.
I check yesterday's coats, today's coats. I've wear many coats in a day.

Speaker 1 My wallet is, I used to have a big wallet. Yeah.
Now I have a little. I remember you having a big wallet.
I have a little card carrier. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where I usually keep it. Now I keep it in my front pocket.
She's

Speaker 1 rifling 100 yawns. Well,

Speaker 1 you know, it's mostly about the wallet right now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, what are you looking for? Your ticket for the hemmed pants? No, I'm looking for my wallet so I can pay with cash for debit. Right.
I have the ticket for the pants.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, this is going to be a classic story.

Speaker 1 You can already tell it's shaping up.

Speaker 1 And so they so I can't find this wallet. Yeah.
This sounds like a Dave nightmare. This is a real Dave nightmare.
And then, and Abby's picking up the kids from school.

Speaker 1 I can't go downtown and get this thing right now.

Speaker 1 I don't have a compass card. I was going to take the train.
Oh, yeah. I don't have my train card, my metro card, you would call it.

Speaker 1 She do sky train takes.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The dorkiest local politician will be doing that.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I figure, oh, you know what? It's probably in yesterday's pants. Uh-oh, yesterday's pants are with the person tailoring the word.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, oh, I get it. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
So I finally, I'm like, oh, those are yesterday's. But then I'm like, if I go down and they're not in the pants, how am I going to pay to get the pants?

Speaker 1 Wash dishes.

Speaker 1 I got to do an e-transfer on my phone. And so I go downtown.
Yeah, that's a perfect solution, though.

Speaker 1 That would work fine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm worried. But what if I'm wrong? What if they're not in those pants? What if she tailors them into the pants? I know.
What if she steals your identity? It's true.

Speaker 1 So I go down there. Oh, I wait for Abby to get home and she gives me money.

Speaker 1 This is your allowance. Yep.
And then I go downtown and I walk up and the woman at the place gives me my pants. And I reach in the pocket and I say, aha,

Speaker 1 I forgot my wallet in these pants. And she said, oh, I've got to tell you a story.
And so she tells me,

Speaker 1 no. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, this once happened before, where we, a guy brought in a suit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the wallet fell out of his suit. And

Speaker 1 so we, we gave him a call. We said, hey, we found your wallet.
You probably need it before you go home today. And he was like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 We found your wallet. What wallet? And they're like, it's this brown wallet.
It's got your ID and your

Speaker 1 credit card and stuff in it. And he goes, I lost that wallet eight months ago.
Why? The wallet hasn't been here for eight months. So the moral of the story is.
This guy could.

Speaker 1 This guy said, what wallet? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your wallet. Yeah, he's got his wallet.
Oh, he's got a new wallet. His replacement wallet.
Yeah. Well, no,

Speaker 1 how soon your replacement wallet becomes your regular wallet. Now,

Speaker 1 I don't move on that fast. If

Speaker 1 you had to choose, aside from credit debit card and Skytrain card,

Speaker 1 what card do you like best in your wallet? Oh my God, what a question. I love that.
This is my wallet card.

Speaker 1 This is how big it is. That's so thin.
You got an airplane card in there and everything. And you got some cash stuff in there.
Nice. Nice, nice, nice.
I love my credit card because it's heavy.

Speaker 1 What is it? A metal one? It's metal. Whoa, isn't that like high status? I don't know.
They just gave it to me. Who did? The bank? The bank.
Really? Chase Bank. Chase Bank.
Gave you a metal.

Speaker 1 They love to email me. I just moved there, you know, I don't have any credit.
And they're like, they go, you qualify, you can borrow $700,000. I'm like, what? $700,000?

Speaker 1 They love to email me and they go, you're doing great. You can have $700,000.
Wow. My experience is that when I was in my 20s, my bank would just raise my limit without asking me.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 They would be like, okay, now you can have $31,000. All right.
I'll take it. But if I ever did

Speaker 1 that, I would be in big trouble.

Speaker 1 I could get $31,000. It would take me months.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also like...
And I would have to not eat or live. Yeah.
In the meantime,

Speaker 1 I'm going to wear jeans that are too long for me.

Speaker 1 Boy, don't get me started. That is a good story, Dave.
That was a good story. No, I actually thought it was really good.
I just think you need to tighten up the beginning. Yeah, I think it's maybe.

Speaker 1 Dave, that was a really good bedtime story.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I will be hosting SNL with Lady Gaga. Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 Have you done one of those promos where you're standing with one of the casts? Yeah, it's me, Colin Joes,

Speaker 1 and Gaga. And Gaga.
And we're like, hey, I heard

Speaker 1 you buy that stupid fairy and it's not working out for you. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 Past guest of the show hosted SNL this week, Nikki Glazer. Whoa.
Yeah. Huge.
Huge. And she followed me on Instagram.
In the same week.

Speaker 1 In the same week. And she was having a big week, so I appreciate her taking the time.
Hell yeah. Is that the only past guest who's hosted SNL? Um, well, Adrian Brody came on.

Speaker 1 Well, he came on as Rasta Man.

Speaker 1 We're like, this better not end up on us. This is ours.
This is property of stop on guests to yourself.

Speaker 1 Mickey Glazer is so funny. So funny.
Yeah. It's crazy.
It's crazy. I'm so glad that she's getting her due.
Big time. Yeah.
Oh, she'll get hers.

Speaker 1 What's going on with you? I,

Speaker 1 my wife, Sally, her parents live on Salt Spring Island.

Speaker 1 Picturesque. Exotic.
Exotic island. Is there a Salt Spring?

Speaker 1 Not that I see it. Is there a thing that does that? Do you go visit the Salt Spring and everyone kind of like bows towards it? I don't.
I've never seen the Salt Spring. Also, their main road.

Speaker 1 But it is like... I've never thought about the name.
Neither have I, really. Because all the other islands are, yeah, named after human beings.

Speaker 1 Well, we don't know if there's a Jeffrey S. salt spring um

Speaker 1 jeffree side

Speaker 1 yeah it should probably ease off on jeffrey anything for the moment right um but the the island filled with this better be a good start of the story because she is fading fast

Speaker 1 um so this needs to start in media's reds

Speaker 1 but we were we were there for just a couple days But the day that we arrived, big day in Salt Spring, giant book sale. Giant book sale.
This is donated books from all sorts of residents there.

Speaker 1 And the books, but the books themselves are not giant.

Speaker 1 No, they are. Yeah.
Oh, really? And they're about a giant. They're all James and the Giant Beanstalk.

Speaker 1 You should have seen Graham's face

Speaker 1 in that half-second in between James and the Giant and Beanstalk. I'm picturing.
This is incredible.

Speaker 1 I'm picturing the far side comic where there's like three little men sitting on a chair together reading a giant copy of little women.

Speaker 1 So, big day, big day on the island. This is, this is, we've been told leading up to our visit, this is book sale.
And you were able to even get a spot on the ferry over.

Speaker 1 We flew. Oh, my God.
Wait, can I ask a question about the book sale? Go on. So, is it like, oh, the

Speaker 1 is it like everyone's going to sell their books they don't want from our house? Uh, they've donated, I think it all ends up going to charity. So, these are books that have been donated.

Speaker 1 Okay, got got it. They have a book drive first.
Yeah. Got it.
And like, this is, aside from the fall fair, this is the big day. All right.
Sale day.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 huge, huge multi-room, a whole community center worth of books. Wow.
Yeah. And it was,

Speaker 1 first of all, where do you start? Where do you start with that many books? I mean, A. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I tried to find something that was B, and I couldn't find it. So

Speaker 1 was it alphabetical or was it alphabetical? Yeah. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was a, but that was in the fiction.

Speaker 1 Oh, the fiction section was one giant room. I don't know.
I don't know how, what am I going to dive into fiction? What, what,

Speaker 1 who am I? Fiction. Yeah.
Well, do you read? What do you read? I read mostly non-fiction.

Speaker 1 I like a biography. This is something we don't know about you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, sometimes I feel fiction. At the end of it, I'm like, so what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could have made up the thing as well. That never happened.
I sometimes have a little bit of a, you know, you made this up, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you did, did, like, I think that's also just when they're too long. Yeah.
But I do that on page one.

Speaker 1 Like, these people don't have these feelings about each other. Sorry, Sally Rooney.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Sue Graf. You are normal people.
You're right.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 so it's giant, giant tables. I'll tell you where you went, Bernadette.
That's not her, but that's that's one I recently picked up from the

Speaker 1 library. Where'd you go, Bernadette? What is that?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a kid's book. Kate Blanchett was in the movie version of it.
Oh, nice. Maybe I'll watch that tonight.

Speaker 1 I'll give you the book if you want it. Yeah, okay.
I dare you.

Speaker 1 But then there's an equally no smaller room, all non-fiction.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to. I love this stuff.
I love it. I'm going to Tales of Adventure.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Jean-Cretchin's autobiography.

Speaker 1 And so I'm working it. Kitty Kelly's book about Nancy Reagan.

Speaker 1 Is that a thing? Yeah, it was big.

Speaker 1 Wait, can I say a Ronald Reagan story really quick? So you guys know my stepdad was on the X-Files? Yes. Your stepdad was on the X-Files.
This is canon for the show. I don't just

Speaker 1 how often, how many times? Or is it

Speaker 1 recurring? Okay. Yeah.
So he, last night we're sitting there. What's his name? Nick Lee.
Nick Lee. Yeah.
From the X-Files.

Speaker 1 Last night we were sitting watching television and something about Reagan came on and he went, I have a Christmas card from Ronald Reagan. Whoa! I went, What?

Speaker 1 And he said, Yeah, he, I don't know how I got it, but he wrote a card to the X-Files and said, I love the show. Weird.
Wow, in his later years. Isn't that so wild?

Speaker 1 That's going to be in your inheritance. I have the Ronald Reagan letter.
Yeah. He doesn't have it in a frame somewhere.
He's just got it in a frame. No, he's an evil man.
We're not into him.

Speaker 1 Does he have biological cards? Oh, if I had somebody,

Speaker 1 Joseph Stalin send me a card. I certainly

Speaker 1 showed off.

Speaker 1 I have some Christmas cards from Pee wee herman yeah that's true that's really good he was very i barely worked with him and he sent me stuff on my birthday every year and sent me christmas cards every year um that's classy i i should do that during the documentary i know your address yeah you can do it um

Speaker 1 during have you seen the documentary no um during one of the interviews his alarms keep going off uh because it's all this person's birthday this person's birthday so he does he takes time like send in send a gift but every time i would text him back because I only worked with him for like a week and over

Speaker 1 Skype when I did the maximum fun produced the

Speaker 1 Pee Wee Herman radio hour one time and

Speaker 1 and so I he would send me these like animated gifts on my birthday and if I ever wrote him and said ha ha thanks

Speaker 1 he wouldn't reply he would just keep sending gifts yeah and then one time like I would occasionally text him throughout the year and never get a reply except one time I saw a bunch of motorcycles that had fallen over.

Speaker 1 I texted it to him. And what did he say? He said, ha, how have you been?

Speaker 1 Such a sweet man.

Speaker 1 So this is, I'm going through.

Speaker 1 Sorry, we got really. It's okay.
Like, we still haven't finished your hair root yet. Yeah, that's true.
No, for real.

Speaker 1 And then, like, okay. So.

Speaker 1 There's a wide variety of nonfiction books that go from a giant coffee table book of just photos of women, I can't remember who, and Geddes. I do like photos of women.
Yeah, by the pool, I prefer.

Speaker 1 Except the pages get wet.

Speaker 1 Oh, and that was an, okay. So here's hot take.
This is my hot take.

Speaker 1 You guys know the like Uncle John bathroom reader books? Yes. They should never, ever be for resale.
No, yeah. Those go in the trash once.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 Seinfeld, this book's been in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 And it's probably been in the the bathroom a long time. So, no, those shouldn't be for resale.
They shouldn't accept them at the book sale. They should throw them out.
I'm disgusted that they exist.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 in a pre-phone era, what were you going to do? I used to read it. Get in and out.
That's my policy. This is my hot take.
Reading, don't read anything on the toilet. It's disgusting.

Speaker 1 This is not leisure time. Get in and out.
Cool.

Speaker 1 If you spend that much time on the toilet, metamucil. Yeah.
But if you're at work, you want to just spend a little time on the company done.

Speaker 1 I just, I, okay, well, I, I have an overactive pelvic floor. Sure, yeah.
How are you, what's your UTI sitch? Just terrible. Just terrible.

Speaker 1 I know about you. Yeah.
Well, everyone knows it about me because it's such a big part of my life, you see.

Speaker 1 Something just flew in Maddie's mouth.

Speaker 1 What are we talking about?

Speaker 1 The bathroom? The sitting on the toilet? So part of the reason I get so many UTIs is because we've learned recently I have an overactive pelvic floor.

Speaker 1 And so I usually have to do math in my to pee. Okay.

Speaker 1 I have to, if you hear me, if you're

Speaker 1 close to me, by bathroom, I sit down and I go, 75 plus 60.

Speaker 1 Under 35. Nice.
Yeah. But like, so a reading would be good for me as well in terms of distract distracting.

Speaker 1 Because it calms down your pelvic floor. It just gets me out of my head.
Yeah. And it knows you're when you're worried.
The pelvic floor communicates with the brain. It knows you when you're sleeping.

Speaker 1 But I used to like a comic book in there. Put a Fitbit up there.
It says my kegels are going out of control. Oh, I am not allowed to be kegeling at all.
That would kill me.

Speaker 1 What about wassling around Christmas? Are you allowed to do that?

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's your hot take is about the bathroom readers. The bathroom readers.
Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 I think that's a good take. You should write a memoir about your time in New York and say, from kegels to bagels.

Speaker 1 One girl's journey through life.

Speaker 1 But here, I realize halfway through, I haven't bought a book in ages. Really? Yeah.
Why? I'll either take something from the library or just like, I don't know. You mean the city library?

Speaker 1 Or the little free ones? I would take the free ones. I did stuff for the free ones.
I never read it. Yeah, me do that.
No, well, that's

Speaker 1 an easy come, easy go. Yeah.
I've bought books, never even cracked the cover. Just like the cover, like the write-up on the back.

Speaker 1 back i'm buying this book so then i was like i'm gonna buy books that i know that aren't gonna be books that i feel pressured into reading right so i'm gonna look for something dumb for a stupid idiot

Speaker 1 and a collection of short stories non-fiction short stories and i bought a bunch of those and so i'm now i'm going through essays little bit of sometimes there's like a comic strip in it like it's from a bunch of different authors they all submit a thing to this publisher Do you guys remember the book, The Darwin Awards?

Speaker 1 Yes. Do you remember that? Yeah.
It's for very stupid people. It was a book about like people who had died in famously stupid ways.

Speaker 1 And I remember my grandparents reading it to me as a child and like we were all laughing.

Speaker 1 And I think actually it's kind of a good thing to read to a child because it was a good reminder of like you're mortal and you actually can't be stupid. about

Speaker 1 what are the things the world without being like too like careful on i feel like the things that come to mind were

Speaker 1 was there a guy who died in a room full of his own farts

Speaker 1 Absolutely. I remember one was like a guy like hooked a car battery up to a lake so that the fish would all die and then he jumped in the lake

Speaker 1 The first half of that idea is not bad. Yeah, yeah, he didn't disconnect it.
That seems like a

Speaker 1 huh. If he was wearing rubber waders, he would have been fine.
Right. A car battery? Maybe he wasn't.
Well, maybe he was a smaller lake. Maybe he was a big car.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was there a guy, was there like a guy who did a bunch of balloons on a

Speaker 1 launcher?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I feel like that's a way a guy died.
When I was a kid, I was at my grandparents' house. They had like a best of time magazine photos in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 And I remember opening it up, and the very first photo was a picture of a woman who committed suicide by jumping off the Empire State Building.

Speaker 1 Oh, just being like, wow.

Speaker 1 And then the next one's a diner.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's so funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Here's an idea.
Uncle John's bedroom reader. There we go.
Now we're done. It's, you know, full of soft tails.

Speaker 1 Quiet moments. It's the Kama Sutra for toilet people.

Speaker 1 For toilet people. Anyways, I bought a bunch of books.
I'm working my way through. I'm excited.
So maybe it's time for me. to fall in love with books.
What's your,

Speaker 1 how many books you read a year? Not that many

Speaker 1 like i'm at two this year yeah i think i think maybe last year i did five i think i would be in the two

Speaker 1 two or three maybe what about starting one and not finishing it because i've at that i'm hundreds i keep a list of the ones i finished okay because it motivates me to finish them because i agree i i start a lot of books yeah i start a lot of books and then i yeah i finished yeah i'm talking about finished yeah yeah oh yeah um and what do you like i follow some people on instagram that just like do um

Speaker 1 like a collection of Twitter posts and it's like 20 posts in one

Speaker 1 right. Is that count as a book?

Speaker 1 Yeah, technically that's 20 slides as a book. It counts as a magazine.
I'll say that. Yeah, okay.
Thanks, Taylor Lorenz.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's so good. She never misses.
She's. Who is this? Who is this? I worry about her mental health because it's very, it seems very bipolar.
Well, she'll have nothing for days and then

Speaker 1 eight posts that are 20.

Speaker 1 So she's a reporter. Yeah.
And she wrote a book about the internet, but she also runs probably the best meme aggregator on the internet i would say which is

Speaker 1 okay good work you guys nice good interview and it's always like so it's so it's she's just a cult she's she's a she's she's got a finger on the pulse yeah she knows what we're thinking about and she's yeah but she also tells you she'll tell you what to think about mostly covet mostly about covid

Speaker 1 um she's pro-mask pro-mask sure why not sure why not not hurting anybody being pro-mask um do you guys want to move on to some overheard yep yep

Speaker 1 ready go knock knock who's there we got this with mark and how

Speaker 1 you knew this one

Speaker 1 we can't put that out as an ad we just did new episodes every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast now it's hewn in rock hewn in rock Yeah.

Speaker 1 How do you hew something in rock? With a chisel.

Speaker 3 There's only one hue in rock and it's Huey Lewis.

Speaker 2 And the news is we got this with Mark and Hallows available every week on maximumfun.org.

Speaker 3 I walked right into that.

Speaker 4 Need a gift for a Max Fun fan in your life? Or maybe you need some ideas to fill up a wish list of your own. Heck, maybe you just want to pick up something for yourself as a little treat?

Speaker 4 Well, the Max Fun Holiday Gift Guide is here for all of your gift giving and gift wanting needs at maximumfun.org gift guide.

Speaker 4 Of course, there's show merch like clothing, hats, bookmarks, stickers, even a candle.

Speaker 4 But there's also a bunch of other cool stuff made by your favorite hosts, like comic books, graphic novels, music, art, and jewelry.

Speaker 4 Go check out the gift guide and make sure you order soon so things get there in time for the holidays. Maximumfun.org/slash gift guide.

Speaker 1 Overheard.

Speaker 1 Overheards. You know this segment.
You know what it's all about.

Speaker 1 And if you don't, if you're a first-time listener, this is where we hear things out in the world and we report them here on the podcast. We always like to start with the guest.

Speaker 1 Maddie, do you have an overheard? I haven't overheard, and it's actually perfect because it was in a bookstore. Perfect.
Yep.

Speaker 1 So I'm in the bookstore. I'm looking for books.
I end up buying a calendar, but that's neither here nor there. What year? 2026.
Well, that's a good one.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I,

Speaker 1 the woman, another woman is making small talk with the employees, and they're happy to be making that small talk. It seems like everyone really wants to be making this small talk.

Speaker 1 They love the smell of the books. They love the smell of the books.
And she says, I can't buy too many books. I'm traveling back to the States.
I have only a suitcase. Right.
Oh, totally.

Speaker 1 I would, you know, everyone's relating to this. Sure.

Speaker 1 Maybe like three, four seconds of silence. And she goes, This woman was from America.
She goes, So, how is is Elbows Up going?

Speaker 1 Going great.

Speaker 1 Isn't that awesome? How's Elbows Up going? I never thought of it as well. How is Elbows Up going?

Speaker 1 Not great.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what. I bought Canadian jeans the other day.
Really? Nice. Canadian jeans.
And you got them altered by Canadian jeans. By a Canadian with a Russian accent.
There you go. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
The coffee I'm drinking is from a Canadian. Yeah.
You know, coffee.

Speaker 1 but they were growing

Speaker 1 your elbows have come a little bit down

Speaker 1 Nope

Speaker 1 I mean I'm not like I mean in the grocery store Sure, I'm not only reaching for the things that have the maple

Speaker 1 But I'm not traveling across the border

Speaker 1 and I usually would yeah me too. I'm too scared and they just introduced legislation that they can kick you out if you're obese.
I'm like, well, there we go. That's yeah, that's the legal

Speaker 1 what if this, yeah, if they looked at how

Speaker 1 my ass was filling out those old jeans of mine?

Speaker 1 Come over here. Let us all look at your ass.
Becky, you got a second? Come over here and see this.

Speaker 1 You got a quarter where you need to pounce something off of something.

Speaker 1 They've made the last penny in America. I know.
Yes. And so does that mean effectively that a penny's not going to be a coin anymore?

Speaker 1 A penny saved is no longer a penny or fuck, and you can't get one for your thoughts either.

Speaker 1 Same as us. They'll be around.
Yeah. We don't.
I haven't seen a penny.

Speaker 1 We don't discriminate that if you were to pay with pennies, you're allowed. You're allowed, yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know, it is sad because I love finding a penny on the street. Like, oh, all the day you'll have it up.
Yeah, you have good. I always pick them up.
Even in New York, it's disgusting there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they got gum that's been on that sidewalk since the 50s. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Joe DiMaggio chewed this gum.

Speaker 1 Do I have an overheard?

Speaker 1 As a matter of fact, I do. I was at a coffee shop, not unlike the one I saw you at today.
Okay, coffee, tea, etc. Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Speaker 1 And there were some men, a couple of men, oh,

Speaker 1 I'd say they're a couple of years, a few years older than me, maybe 50-ish. And there wasn't a little kid with them, so it was just two men, not a half-man.
Two men,

Speaker 1 yeah. And there was not a third man and a baby.

Speaker 1 And there was not

Speaker 1 girls or pizza places there either. Okay, yes.
And so it was two men sitting in a coffee shop, and

Speaker 1 one of them said

Speaker 1 to the other, did you see Saturday Night Live this week? They had that Sabrina Carpenter dancing around in her underwear.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing about that appearance is that she had a microphone that looked like a cove. Yeah.
I know. That's so epic.

Speaker 1 Right? It's so funny and so cool.

Speaker 1 I really loved that there's like, there's a world world of pornography out there. But they're like, here's something that's you know a little titillating from television.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe it's come back around where it's like, I want to see somebody's ankle, you know? Also, it was girly cute. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And she's so short.
She seems fun. Yeah.
She's short and sweet.

Speaker 1 She's short and sweet. It would be very weird if they were like, check out this pornography.
Did you see this pornography from the internet?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Which one?

Speaker 1 What's your search term? Oh, my God. Sabrina Carpenter.
Sabrina Carpenter ankle.

Speaker 1 My overheard comes from being on the island and going to the grocery store and a mother and her son, who wasn't wearing shoes.

Speaker 1 And this is in October? Yep. November?

Speaker 1 He wasn't wearing shoes. They were going to the grocery store and he said he was more excited than any boy I've ever heard.
He said, well, you didn't tell us we were going to the grocery store.

Speaker 1 it's a big day out my kids i can't convince them to go to the grocery store really yeah i mean i used to force them

Speaker 1 and then it was like

Speaker 1 you know you'd put them in the stroller or in the cart yeah there was a great one at by low foods used to have carts that had steering wheels yes yeah those rules

Speaker 1 um and then uh covet happened and you didn't you were we had to like line up to go into the grocery store oh my god and then after that i don't think they've willingly gone with me.

Speaker 1 I will, honestly, I will wander around a grocery store and not buy anything.

Speaker 1 I love grocery stores. I love the lineup or the aisle that's all cereal and like how bright it is.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's some straight guy lighting in there.

Speaker 1 I love it. I would go every day.
Yeah. And then I would go to the farmer's market for fun.
Yeah. I love markets.
Yeah. Do you have a grocery near where you live? Yes.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 1 What I love is the marketplace of ideas, which is what the show basically is. That's true.
What is that market I saw Andrew McCarthy at?

Speaker 1 It's like, is it like, it's named after a neighborhood, but what is the neighborhood? Is it Soho Market? Is that what it's called? Is it Little Italy Market?

Speaker 1 Oh, are you talking about

Speaker 1 like Italy? No.

Speaker 1 No, it's a place that had like a bunch of stalls. It's basically, it reminded me of Granville Island.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 cleaning above. On the water.

Speaker 1 Tin Palace. Near the High Line.
In Chelsea. Chelsea Market.
Chelsea Market. Oh, you guys got there.
Well done, you guys. Oh, you were in Chelsea Market.
I see. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have a store in there with all the stuff that's like from Chinatown. And I really like that store.
You know where you could go for even more stuff from Chinatown.

Speaker 1 No, but that's what kind of surprise you is you kind of like the touristy Chinatown version, you know, because it's like has stuff for kids. And then I actually use that as my purse.

Speaker 1 You use a kid as your purse? I use a kid's purse as my purse. Oh, sure.
Is that where you get a fake laboo boo? I call them lafufus.

Speaker 1 Now, someone is cleaning the tiles above our heads. It sounds like they're doing a good job.

Speaker 1 It sounds like they're playing ice hockey. They might be playing ice hockey on tile.

Speaker 1 Now, we also have overheard sent in to us by people all over the world. If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfund.org.
And if you need, if you're cleaning

Speaker 1 your place,

Speaker 1 this will just sound normal to me. Sorry, I wanted to say it sounds like they're playing air hockey.
That's true. Anyways, too late.

Speaker 1 Now, this first one comes from Kevin from Fort Collins, Colorado, Colorado. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was at a grocery store years ago and saw someone walk up to an employee restocking the bread shelves and ask, where do you keep all the condoms? Or whispering, tortillas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't, is that because it's two things that are wrapped? They wrap?

Speaker 1 You don't wrap your penis. I do.

Speaker 1 And then I let it wrap.

Speaker 1 You let it like do a little like

Speaker 1 freestyle. Hey, everybody, I live in your pants.

Speaker 1 Thanks for inviting me to

Speaker 1 the something dance. Yeah.
The intercourse dance.

Speaker 1 Don't put a condom dance. So he was like, where are your condoms? Yeah.
And then he was like, wink, wink.

Speaker 1 Where are the tortillas?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why would you look harder for the condoms before you ask an employee? I don't know.

Speaker 1 They're often,

Speaker 1 you know, I wouldn't think of them being a thing that you get in a grocery store necessarily. Oh, they got them.
They got them.

Speaker 1 They got them.

Speaker 1 They're usually in the aisle

Speaker 1 with the, like,

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 they'll just be labeled family planning, and it'll be like a big calendar that everybody writes their schedule. Yeah, my augulation schedule.

Speaker 1 But they have like

Speaker 1 pregnancy tests. And so it is sort of two sides of the same coin.
They should have it at Trader Joe's. I'm realizing there's no condoms at Trader Joe's.
Trader Joe's condoms? Well, huge.

Speaker 1 That would be awesome. And they could

Speaker 1 have a character named Trader Ho, who's like a slutty person.

Speaker 1 A slutty person. Because they do that, right? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do they

Speaker 1 take people's subcultures?

Speaker 1 Cultures.

Speaker 1 This next one comes from Stephanie. One time on the bus, as we were passing a cemetery, I heard a guy with a southern accent say to himself, there's the cemetery.
All them's dead.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Yeah.
He sounds like he was dead. Yeah.
Oh, do you think? Ghost vibes. She saw a ghost on the bus.

Speaker 1 Wow, I certainly have. Yeah.
Oh, like, you see ghosts, right?

Speaker 1 Have you seen a ghost? I've seen people that I think are haunted. Have you seen the TV show Ghosts?

Speaker 1 No. I auditioned for it every couple weeks.
We had Rose McIr

Speaker 1 on the pod. One of the pods.
She's an actor? She's the star of Ghosts. Okay.
She's so nice. She was also the star of iZombie.
Was that what it was called? Perhaps, yeah.

Speaker 1 And she was on Let's Make a Horror.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This next one comes from Luke D in Nashville, Tennessee. In Costco bathroom, a very young boy was standing at the urinal with his pants and underwear down around his ankles.
Classic kid thing.

Speaker 1 Classic.

Speaker 1 Bare bottom sticking out. His dad noticed and yanked up his pants while the boy was still peeing in a high-pitched southern accent.
He said, Hey, what's the big deal?

Speaker 1 All these southern people, yeah, love it, love it. I reckon I was airing out my patuk.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's the big deal? Now, maybe he does that at home, yeah. Like, that's just a funny thing.
It feels like it's a phrase that you would pick up from a grandparent.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm picturing a kid with like one um overall strap on, yeah, but I guess they both come down, chewing on a piece of wheat,

Speaker 1 This, and also in addition, this is a fun, boring dream. And if you haven't been to our Discord, you go to Discord, there's a whole section just of boring dreams.
It's a lot of fun to go to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a board. The boring dream section is called My Traveler.
Travel Retired.

Speaker 1 And there's,

Speaker 1 check it out. There's all these great parts.
There's a horror movie section of the Discord. There's a

Speaker 1 baby.

Speaker 1 The one about the podcast. There's one

Speaker 1 roll. There's one that's about the bonus content.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's fun. It's a lot of fun.
So if you do feel like you want this right on the air, send your boring dreams over to me and I will read them. Yeah, or call them in.
Yeah, those are fun too.

Speaker 1 This is from Olivia. I haven't overheard of the boring dream category.

Speaker 1 I recently switched to a new deodorant, and last night I had a dream that I was scrolling the website to see if they had this new deodorant in a travel size.

Speaker 1 When I realized they didn't have a travel size, I was going to email them to suggest it. But I woke up before sending that email.
That's a very boring dream. That's a very boring dream.

Speaker 1 That is a very boring dream.

Speaker 1 Had you ever have boring dreams? Oh, no. Or do you have thrilling dreams? So insane.
Are they? Yes, they're so insane. And I'm not even in them all the time.
You're just watching.

Speaker 1 It's just like, and it has like movie cinematography and like cuts and different kinds of textures. You must love going to bed.
Sometimes, sometimes it's scared me for me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you ever put your dreams in your letterbox?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 But one time,

Speaker 1 my only recurring dream is I have a lot of dreams where I'm like saving little baby animals from harm. That's nice.

Speaker 1 But then recently, it was like, I had this little that had already happened in the dream.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I had this little black pug, and I was like, gonna find it the right home because I wasn't, I was like, oh, I'm traveling a lot. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Speaking of dogs, when we were at the coffee shop. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Maddie, like,

Speaker 1 just out of nowhere, lost it. And it's

Speaker 1 like, lost it. just like okay yeah and uh it's because she thought she saw a bear walking past the coffee

Speaker 1 and then you look and I looked and I was like easily could have been a bear oh giant giant huge dog that was like brown with black on the end so it had that bear texture to the fur oh and he like is probably the breed of dog that you know

Speaker 1 people in the mountain would have to like ward off bears and wolves and stuff. The bear ward dog.
I've never seen a dog like that. No, me neither.
Yeah. It was wild.

Speaker 1 We also saw a guy uh with a stripy red shirt and a tuku and glasses and glasses and there's no way he knew and uh that was epic he looked like waldo

Speaker 1 that's when i knew you guys were aligned is like dave walks in he goes did you see did you find waldo graham goes saw immediately i was like this is why you guys have a show for 20 years because you guys get each other we get it that uh dream that the person wrote in uh reminded me i was driving my kids to school this morning and my wife Abby's birthday is coming up.

Speaker 1 And I said to the kids, What should we get her for her birthday? And Poppy, my eight-year-old, said, Deodorant.

Speaker 1 I said, Why? Because she stinks? Yeah. Yeah, six-pack.
Poppy's a little roast battle queen. She's a real roast battle queen.
Little Don Rickles.

Speaker 1 In addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls and your voice memos.

Speaker 1 Send a voice memo to spy at maximumfund.org or call us at 1-844-779-7631. That's one ug spypod one, like these people have.

Speaker 1 Do you like boring dreams? Yeah, let's start with one. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 6 Hi, this is Jeff, Graham's former across-the-hall neighbor calling in with a very boring overdreamt.

Speaker 6 I dreamt that I was on my way to work on the bus and wanted to wear my headphones, and I pulled them out, and they were the

Speaker 6 my old headphones, which didn't sound as good as my new headphones. And

Speaker 6 I was disappointed.

Speaker 6 That was it.

Speaker 1 All right, off I go.

Speaker 1 That is really boring. That is really boring.
Oh, the wrong headphones. And you remember this guy? Yep.
You got him evicted? Yep, because he wouldn't stop knocking on my door.

Speaker 1 He and his wife bought a place downtown. Congratulations, guys.
Yeah, real estate owners. Wow.
Yeah. They bought a place downtown.
Downtown. They bought

Speaker 1 an entire skyscraper. An entire sky.
And I was like, you guys are going from a one-bedroom apartment to a skyscraper all in one move. And he said, ain't no thanks.

Speaker 1 That was his phrase.

Speaker 1 And here's your next phone call.

Speaker 5 Hi there. it's Mike from Sydney, Nova Scotia, calling in with an overheard.

Speaker 5 I'm a teacher here, and

Speaker 5 I don't know if you know this, but

Speaker 5 young people, young kids, all the way up to high school, they get onto these phrases that they say over and over again. I don't know where they pick them up, TikTok or whatever.

Speaker 5 I've had lots over the years. One kid used to just yell, thank you, constantly.

Speaker 5 I went through a time when one girl was saying, not today, Grandpa, over and over again.

Speaker 5 I got a kid in my class now named Josh.

Speaker 5 Josh is big into this kind of thing. For a few days, it was, he'd come in and he'd say, it's a nice fall day.

Speaker 1 How you doing?

Speaker 5 He'd say that, you know, kind of over and over again. Last couple days, it's been, come on, Brad, which he'd yell out probably every five to ten minutes.

Speaker 5 Today, I heard him say it one time, and I said to one of the other guys in the class, Who's Brad? And he said, Oh, that's a phrase from a few years ago. Josh is just an idiot.

Speaker 1 Thanks, guys. Love at the time.

Speaker 1 Love it. Love it.
Yeah. And that's great.
I love that none of them are like recognizable things that caught on. Like these are.

Speaker 1 They're just like fine things. They're not like skibbety toilet or whatever.

Speaker 1 Kids are like,

Speaker 1 if they get a laugh once,

Speaker 1 they'll try like 20 more times. Yeah.
They don't learn that very quickly. I remember a guy in

Speaker 1 junior high, Dave E.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he is a bit, and it made me laugh every time, was he just kept going up and sharpening his pencil, the same pencil, and it just kept got shorter and shorter.

Speaker 1 But during class, like while the teacher was talking, he'd go up, and every time he did it, I thought this is the funniest fucking thing.

Speaker 1 I wonder where he is now. Probably on Broadway.
Was there, were there all Dave?

Speaker 1 Was Dave the most popular name in your school? yeah probably yours Dave yeah then Michael you Michael yeah Michael Maddie for sure Maddie Madeline Madeline or Madison

Speaker 1 Madison in my kids in Margo's class she has three Ethan's sure and maybe four Charlie's Charlie yeah

Speaker 1 Charlie we had a lot of Alex's there's Charlie A Charlie B Charlie XEX

Speaker 1 And here's your final phone call.

Speaker 1 Hey, Dave and Graham, and probable beautiful guests. This is Melissa from Mobile, Alabama.
I just have it overheard for you.

Speaker 1 I finished yoga and was getting in my car, and a woman walked by on her way into the rec center, and she was on the phone. And she said, Maybe a little separation would do you some good, you know?

Speaker 1 You're a 37-year-old man. You probably don't need to call your mom five times a day.
And then I didn't hear the rest.

Speaker 1 And I thought, wow, no friggin' way, or maybe probably often there's there's a lot of friggin' way to that one.

Speaker 1 Off I go.

Speaker 1 I love that accent. I love Alabama yoga.

Speaker 1 Me too.

Speaker 1 Boy, yoga has really spread. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you think?

Speaker 1 What are the big pauses? What are the big poses?

Speaker 1 Pauses. Sorry.
She's the only song. I'm new to Alabama yoga.

Speaker 1 The general Lee.

Speaker 1 Is that tree pose, but like a hickory tree post? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Frozen custard.

Speaker 1 Perfect. Shirvashana.

Speaker 1 Shirashana.

Speaker 1 Hey, don't bother me when I'm in Shivasana.

Speaker 1 I'm corpsing here. Well, that'll bring us to the end of the show here.
And Maddie, people can see you in New York in December at the Union Hall. And I'm also going on tour in the new year.

Speaker 1 Are you really? But I haven't announced it yet.

Speaker 1 Announce, announce, announce. But you can follow me on Instagram or you can get on my mailing list.
Cool. And you're Matt at Maddie Kelly? Yep.
It's Maddie Kelly. It's Maddie Callie on Insta.

Speaker 1 And TikTok. And TikTok.
Sure. And I'll just start up the vacuum in the next room and then we'll be good to go.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you so much for being our guests. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 I love you guys. Did you have any caffeine before the show? I had a tea.
I should have had a coffee. Yeah.
Dave was hyper and I was a little tired. And I was just right.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 1 And thank you, everybody out there, for listening. If you have a specific yoga from your state, please send it in and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Speaker 1 Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.