Ep 195. Urzila Carlson - TM NZ S2 Ep.5

Hello, and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast.

It's me, Ed Gamble, delighted to still be talking about Taskmaster New Zealand Series 2, or season 2, depending on whether you're right or wrong.

Today we have a wonderful guest on.

Of course, we do.

A contestant from Taskmaster New Zealand Series 2.

We're going to be talking about episode 5, and our guest is Ursula Carlson.

Ursula is a brilliant comedian.

She's brilliant on Taskmaster.

She's brilliant on stage.

Go and see Ursula wherever you can.

She'll be on tour soon.

Can't wait to speak to her.

She's been on the pod before.

Always a great laugh.

I think we should just get into it.

Taskmaster New Zealand Series 2, Episode 5, as discussed by Ursula Carlson.

Welcome back Ursula to the Taskmaster podcast.

Hello Ed.

Welcome back Ursula.

It's a pleasure to have you back on and finally to talk about some episodes of Taskmaster that you were actually on.

Yes.

Yes.

I mean weirdly I thought about it.

I think last time I was on this podcast I was in London but I don't think you were.

No, where was I?

I was probably on tour somewhere in the UK, but yeah, you were in London, but now we're doing it traditional style.

I'm in London.

You're in music.

That's all intended.

Yeah, yes, absolutely.

We're all should be.

We're all where we belong.

But no, I cannot wait to talk to you about this.

Taskmaster New Zealand Series 2, episode 5,

which is entitled Feel My Bean, which I believe is a direct quote from you during the episode, which we will get to that moment.

Yeah.

I mean, look, I've talked to you generally about your experience on Taskmaster and how much you enjoyed it, but obviously it's been a long time since the series has gone out.

Are you still in touch with everyone?

Is everyone still a gang?

We are.

We literally, Laura just texted us because she's in Australia now.

You know, like we've all sort of, everyone's everywhere, everyone's doing everything.

But

we're still on the Five Friends WhatsApp group.

It's called Five Friends.

It's really good and it's super supportive.

I love it.

So this is the WhatsApp group is just the five contestants, is it?

Yeah, no, we don't let Paul in.

Paul's not allowed.

Paul can sort his own friends, you know.

He can work on Jeremy, but no, he's not.

I mean, that man put us through hell.

And I, you know, I know it's just a job and he's following the challenges and the script and whatever.

But you, when you're there and you can see it in his eyes, he's enjoying it.

I would argue, though, Oslo, that you put Paul through more hell than he put you through.

Yeah, but that's like, that's like, you know, when you're in an abusive relationship and, you know, in 20 years, you stick up for yourself five times.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you're still in an abusive relationship.

I mean,

I was doing it more for the others because I knew

Karaios was going to struggle.

I knew it because I...

I didn't know how much.

I didn't know the hell they were putting that boy through until we actually saw in studio the stuff that he did that we didn't have to do.

And I'm like, they were testing him mentally,

which is unfair for David.

It is, it is unfair for David, especially I'd say if anyone needed to be tested mentally, it wasn't David.

I feel like he is on the edge constantly.

So, yeah, very,

very little.

Yeah, Guy would have been great.

Try and make Guy crack.

That's the hard one to crack, right?

But David, David cracked day one, minute one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

David rocked up, cracked in half.

He was a pistachio that was easy to pop.

And they just really went him hard.

Last week, I believe it was, we talked about one of your most memorable prize tasks, which was the wet t-shirt picture.

I don't think we ever got to the bottom of where that...

that picture came from.

Did you have that specially done for the show?

Or was that just something you had done on a whim for another project?

Look, I was having photos done for, you know, my media photos as you do yeah and um

then we were shooting at the photographer's house and i said you know what would be nice is um sexy photos you know and then my manager was into it and she nearly drowned me that day because she was the one biffing the water at me throwing the buckets of water at me and it was just cold water and it was close to easter it wasn't a you know it wasn't a day for it

you know uh and she was enjoying it too much i still have some video footage of her throwing the water and like just directly at my head the whole time.

I'm like, you didn't even get, I don't know how it's possible to just get all the water in my eyes and my ear and none on the t-shirt.

The opposite.

That's the opposite of what you're after.

It was the day that you needed it on the t-shirt and she just biffed it all over your head, as you might say.

Yeah, the head the whole time.

But you know, it's like that photo is a blessing and a curse because I want to send it to people as sort of a funny, but it looks too much like my actual tits, so I can't.

People just think it's a rude photo, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, if you zoom in, which is the last thing people want to do, I go, no, zoom in, and you'll see it's plastic boobs.

But they're like, no, thanks.

Please don't send these again.

I'm like, look, look, it's just a joke.

Like, I didn't think this PTA meeting was going to turn out like this.

I think if someone sends you a picture like that and then tells you to zoom in, that's the last person you're going to trust to start zooming in, isn't it?

Yeah.

Also, that is the worst directive ever.

Like, you send something that they assume is a nude, and you go, no, no, zoom in.

You get the full effect once you're in.

Let's get cracking with this episode then.

The prize task was the best voucher.

Let's talk about yours straight away, Ursula.

You brought in a $20

peaches and cream voucher,

which is

an adult shop, I believe.

A shop.

Shop for grown-ups.

Yes.

May I say peaches and cream.

We don't have any branches of peaches and cream in the UK, but what an absolutely dreadful name for a sex shop.

Listen.

And also, like, those are the two things that you go, it doesn't really go, does it?

If you go, peaches and puff pastry, yes.

Peaches and syrup, even.

Peaches and cream.

We all know that's strawberries place.

What are you doing?

What was happening when when that shop was registering and they go, okay, we're going strawberries and cream?

We can't.

Not during Wimbledon.

We can't.

Like, it'll be too confusing.

We'll have the wrong type of clientele in here.

I don't understand where it ever comes from.

But I mean, the main thing is

I think it was the best.

voucher.

Well, I mean, I think it was probably the most, I mean, I guess the most useful voucher in terms of, you know, it was for it was for a natural shop.

It wasn't a completely fabricated voucher.

Yeah.

You know, I'm sure plenty of the contestants would have found some.

I mean, what are we talking?

$20?

It doesn't feel like that much for a shop.

I don't buy that, but that is, it's like, you know, someone's not going to buy you.

It's the idea, isn't it?

Like, if I say to you, okay, let me put it to you this way.

I just bought a boat.

Okay.

I bought a boat.

Yeah.

But I didn't start off going.

waking up one morning going, I'm going to buy a boat.

No.

It was years and years of me taking the kids, fishing off off wharfs, off the rocks, going, This is probably not very safe.

And then my brother

going, Yeah, oh man, how cool would it be if we had a boat?

And then him and I start talking about having a boat.

And then we bought kayaks.

I bought a two-seater kayak, and I would ram both my kids in the front seat.

And we take them kayaking and, you know, try fishing off a kayak, but that's a nightmare.

You know, no, I'm not sad because you struggle.

Like, do you take bait or snacks?

And then, you know, so it's the idea that grows from it right so and then eventually my brother goes let's buy a boat together

and then he took too long and i just bought a boat but so this is peaches and cream the 20 i say to you ed

i have a voucher for you it's 20 now you have it in your pocket you're when i give it to you you go oh this is so stupid i'll never use it

but you will You're going to think about that voucher the whole time.

It'll be like, it's not like a voucher for a massage that you're going to look at in a year and go, oh, it expired two weeks ago.

You're going to be aware of this voucher the whole time you have it.

And then you're going to go, I'll just go have a look.

What could they even have for 20 bucks?

Then you're going to go in and go, okay, we can get some lube and a joke gift.

Then you're going to buy that and you're going to take it home.

And your partner's like, so this is funny.

And then you'll use the lube and you go, I don't think we'd like it, but it's it's great.

And then your partner's going to go, so what else did they have in there?

And you go, actually, there were quite a few things that look pretty interesting.

I didn't even know this stuff you could get.

And then you both are going to go on a Sunday afternoon when you think no one else will be around that area that you'd know.

You're going to sneak in and spend $8,000.

That's all.

Okay.

So it's a gateway drug sort of thing.

Yes, that's right.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're taking one puff of weed in eighth grade.

Look, you've sold it to me.

I mean, unfortunately, I guess if you'd done that on Toss Musk New Zealand, it probably wouldn't have got the full time in the edit that it deserved.

I don't think.

But here, you know, we'll play at that whole thing, the sort of sex shop analogy that somehow involved your brother and a boat.

Well, the man in the boat, you know.

Matt brought in five broadcasting lessons with Mike Hosking.

Now,

can't say I'm aware of Mike Hosking's work.

I was getting the vibe from the chat.

He's not hugely well thought of

amongst a certain section of society.

He'd be in Donald Trump's cabinet.

Right.

He'd be spokesperson, you know, like he'd he'd fit in there like a glove wouldn't fit on OJ.

So we're talking, you know, towards the right,

a broadcaster of that sort of that note.

So Matt bringing in broadcasting lessons with him.

I take it no one would want those broadcasting lessons.

no no i saw the voucher lie on the back there um after the show and it was just no one was trying to steal it like a lot of people were stealing stuff after the show um you know i brought in a couple of joints once no one even saw it after they had taken photos of it the camera crew looked real relaxed but that mike hoskin voucher i think is still somewhere there backstage also matt hadn't checked with him that that he would give those those lessons so i'm not sure how that would have gone down.

No, no, but he would have.

He's one of those that will love to teach you.

You know, if someone just knocked on his door and said, I've got this voucher that you don't know anything about, and you would do the lessons.

Yeah, because you know, if you know, if you think you know everything, if you're God's gift to broadcasting, of course, you're going to do it.

I do feel like that, actually.

So if anyone does want any lessons, please feel free to come along.

I've already given out a few vouchers for you.

Oh, no one's claimed them.

What does that say?

Ooh, ooh, I just see it's spoiled here with mics.

Guy brought in a $100 cash voucher, and he said he would deliver $100 cash anytime, any place.

No T's and C's.

Now, you know, spoiler warning, I take it people have watched the episode if they're listening to this.

You do win this episode.

Did you ever take Guy up on his offer of $100 cash wherever you are?

No, but I know that I will.

Yes.

Because we both do Melbourne Comedy Festival.

we both travel and we play golf together.

So one day he'll go, I think it's your round and I go, I think, mate, you're fine.

And then

I'll cash it in.

But no, I think it's one of those things that I want to wait till the economy is stronger too.

I want to really get banged for my buck.

At the minute, it's not great, you know.

So I just think if I wait and everything settles down and the world world is in a financially stronger place, then I'll hit.

Then you'll hit.

Then you'll take it out of his pocket.

Yeah.

When his money finally means something to him.

That's right.

When he needs it the most.

I'll wait for his family to grow.

And then when he doesn't,

you know, maybe take some time off work.

And then I'll go, hey, mate.

$100 now.

$100.

I've used my $20 peaches and cream voucher.

I need to get back in there.

Laura brought in a kiss on the mouth with tongue

from her, which expires when she gets married.

Now, we know from the end of this episode, you took her up on that offer straight away.

Yes, yes.

Also,

just in case that didn't work out, I was also at her wedding to see if I can collect another one.

It would have been perfect if you'd waited until just before

the marriage was sealed, run up and go,

I'm cashing in this voucher.

Run with my my tongue out from the back of the room, just ready, ready to dart it in.

I'm sure she would have done it.

I'm sure she honors her vouchers.

100%.

And David brought in, trying to be clever, a voucher replicating the other vouchers, plus beating each one by 10%.

Yeah.

A clever prize from David, but he hadn't thought through on what the other vouchers might be.

No, no, no.

So Guy really knuckled him onto that one.

I didn't see that coming.

So, I walked away, really a very happy lady from that.

Yeah, because I also got Laura's voucher, it was also delivered by David.

I also got to kiss David, and it was a surprise to me.

Like, it had been many, many years since kissing a man.

Um, and I had not kissed one with a beard.

I've never, I've kissed a lady with a beard, but I've never kissed a man with a beard,

and it was very soft.

Yeah,

it looks like he looks after it.

It is

so

soft.

I think about it sometimes.

I'm thinking about it now.

Well, that's lovely.

That's lovely.

If David's listening to this, I'm sure he'll be absolutely chuffed to hear that you still think about his lovely soft beard that you were customized to.

No, whenever I see him, I talk about his beard.

I go, hey, David.

I love that beard.

He has actually moved overseas, weirdly.

Where's David now?

Oh, I think he's in Melbourne.

Yeah, he's run away.

Well, no, you're off to Melbourne.

I'm sure you can find this soft beard.

I'll find him.

I'll find him.

And you know, Melbourne is nothing if not wall-to-wall, good coffee and beard oil.

You know, those two things go hand-to-hand.

It's going to be even softer.

Pop a ponytail in that, and you've got the barista of your life.

Well, in this prize task, Urzuli, you got one point.

I mean, how did you feel about that at the time?

How do you feel about it now?

I've maintained this right since the first day the show started.

I feel like I was targeted by jeremy um and he was always going to score me low and i think it's because you know he already probably thinks that i'm winning at life so he wasn't he was never going to let me win and i think even though he is quite

let's say takes a firm hand with paul he didn't appreciate me um being firmer with paul Like, because he called that out a few times.

He goes, you're quite harsh on Paul.

You're quite, you know, and I said, but, but I think, again, you had to look into his eyes and you could see that Paul appreciated it.

Yeah.

It was two points for Matt, three points for Guy, four points for Laura and five points for David.

David, what did you bring in?

Just bring it up.

This voucher will replicate one of the other contestants' vouchers while also beating it by 10%.

I'm so confident, as you can see in the expiry, infinity.

You're going to be on the hook for a lot of $110.

We're both going to be very broke.

So that is obviously $110.

Five and a half broadcasting lessons with Mike Hosking.

$22 to spend at Peaches and Cream.

And a tongue kiss with an extra 10%.

I'm not sure.

10% extra, maybe thumb up, bum.

Task one, spill the beans.

Fastest to open the can of beans wins.

Now this is a horrible task.

I can't imagine how angry I would have been doing this.

How did you feel doing this task?

Because obviously there was only one can of beans and all the rest were chopped tomatoes.

Yes.

You know what's frustrating?

Because we don't know.

Like the first time we see everyone crack it is in the studio.

You know, everyone knows that.

But I think people don't trust it.

They think we get a bit of a

insight.

We don't.

It is frustrating as hell.

And you can see, and this is the one, this is the episode that I always say to people when they go, you must know, they must give you a heads up.

And I tell people to go watch this episode because when you see Guy Montgomery lose his absolute fucking mind, smashing this,

I'm like, this is how you know there's no pre-planning, there's no whisper in the ear or anything.

But yeah, there was an arrow under the table.

But who starts off a day by lying under the table to have a look at any arrow?

So yeah, it was frustrating, you know.

But then you sort of get about 10 cans in and you kind of go, just just lean into your failure.

You know, this is where you go.

This is well, you actually did.

I mean, you probably felt on the day that you didn't do that well.

But when you look at everyone else's efforts, which is why just always do your best, and you can guarantee at least one or two people are going to screw it up way worse than you.

You found the beans, and then

I mean, your performance with the beans, Ursula, was quite something.

Well, this is where we're going.

It was relief.

It was like, you know, the foreplay was so frustrating.

But then when I finally found the bean, it was relief and

it felt good as you would expect it to.

And, you know, I wanted to share that joy with Paul.

But of course, no, he won't touch it.

He won't feel the bean.

He won't have fun.

No.

He's too buttoned up for that sort of thing.

He's holding on to that iPad like his life depended on it.

You mentioned Guy.

He, yeah, he gets the hammer.

I don't know.

I mean, this feels like he completely lost his mind, doesn't it?

Smashing him apart with the hammer.

It was, he went full American psycho on them.

Yeah.

So because Guy is so competitive, sometimes, you know, some of the tasks, like I knew how it would go for, if there was anything with acting or with singing, I knew Laura would dominate the singing.

And like, I would just chuck the towel in and go, well, I'll just have fun with this.

Or if it's anything with acting, I knew David would do really well and laura would do really well you know like i knew the other people would would i knew their strengths but then some

of matt's strengths there no because matt i knew would spin out

also i'd never matt was the only one i didn't know before this but then so him and i only really met when we were teamed up together and we

had the most fun.

We were howling like most of the time, just scream laughing at each other because we were so different he's overthinker and i am impulse like i don't second guess anything if there's a thought in my head i'm gonna go with it i don't even go i wonder if i should know it never even crosses my mind to check with someone else like i just knuckle down on whatever i think is the best move And, you know, it's not always the best move, but it's also not always the worst move as the sunscreen task taught us.

Yes, Yes, sometimes you just got to go hard and fast, and it might don't overthink it.

But yeah, guy loses his mind with the hammer.

I mean,

you're so competitive.

You can tell.

You can actually see it.

Just go.

And you could almost see where a therapist would go, this is not you, guy.

This is your dad swinging the hammer.

Your mum is proud of you and your dad just wants the best for you.

You can almost see the whole conversation play out.

But I think there's a lot of competitive people in this series as well, aren't there?

Because I think Laura is competitive and I think David is competitive in his own way.

I think it is you and Matt who are the least competitive out of the five.

Yeah, but I'm also really competitive.

I just didn't win a lot.

Yeah.

I am very competitive, but then I also know my strengths.

And if I get to a point where I'm like, this isn't going to work, then I just give up.

You've just got to strengthen

my my time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't have a lot of time left.

I'm not going to waste it.

But also, it's just that thing of, that's the comedian's thing, right?

Of going like, if I'm not going to win it, I may as well just do it as funnily as possible, even if it's a total disaster.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I definitely had that.

David goes mad.

I mean, this is, this is the sort of task you want to see David do.

It's just shaking all the cans, cracking them open with a knife while staring Paul in the eye, sucking juice out, spitting it out if it wasn't beans.

And it was just unlucky, really.

It was the fourth to last can that he found.

It took him 38 minutes, 48 seconds.

He's an incredible guy.

He's a really unique guy, that David.

Yeah.

So to me, the equivalent to this task for David was the onion one.

Yeah.

Because you could tell he was at his end.

He, you know, he tried his best.

Also, I was a little scared for Paul.

Were you scared for Paul at any time?

With the knife in the room, yeah.

Someone's getting hurt here today.

And and not just their feelings.

Like when I'm involved, Paul got his feelings hurt sometimes.

No, I was scared.

It was the stuff with the red cans underneath.

You're right.

I mean, I think now, if they did it, I think people would look under the table.

I think now when people know more about Taskmaster Every Series, I think you're looking under the first thing you're doing is going, it can't just be randomly find a can of beans.

There's got to be a trick, whether it's the arrow or the not beans that Matt found.

Yeah.

There's going to be a trick to it.

But I think, yeah, most people this time, they're not, they're not looking for the little

no, but that's the, that's, that's where the writers, it gets harder and harder for the writers where I think they have to come up with new tasks.

And then every time when you see a new taskmaster, you go, wow, that's insane.

But also, people who follow Taskmaster,

which, as you know, obviously are very passionate about it.

And I still will, on a daily basis, have to defend New Zealand Taskmaster where they go, you stole our show.

Like, how dare you?

Like, people get so angry.

And I'm just saying that.

He's just people in Facebook comments, like, you know, if I post a clip of me on Taskmaster, they go, you're not even English.

You know, this, that, that's who, who's the host?

That's, that's not Greg, you know, and people get so angry.

And I had to explain to a man this week.

Two days ago, I had to explain to a man, do you understand how franchising works?

Like, you don't walk into one Marks and Spencer's and then you go to another town and you go, Hang on a minute, they've got all your hair, they copied our idea.

It's like, and then they go, Yeah, but

you did the same tasks as we did.

I go, Yeah, but our show wasn't internationally available.

We recorded it eight months before yours.

So, technically, who do you think stole the ideas?

I go, but it's all the same writers coming up with the ideas and the tasks, and they swap it out, they share it.

You know, don't be so, I understand you love Greg, okay?

Like, love Greg.

We all love Greg, but...

Don't come at me with your shit.

True Taskmaster fans are just grateful for more Taskmaster.

Exactly.

They absolutely.

I mean, everyone I know loves the New Zealand version as much as they love the UK version.

So, yeah, I think we're just very happy that more and more gets made.

Do you keep up to date with it, Esla, since your series?

Do you watch More Taskmaster?

I try to, yeah, but it is hard because I'm always on the road.

Do you not take a a laptop with you?

I do, but I'm a cricket fan too.

And, you know, that takes days out of your life.

So

I've got to watch cricket.

I'm going to FaceTime the kids.

I've got to write new stuff.

I'm a busy lady.

Fair enough.

But

I do go for the highlight reels for sure.

Laura comes so close.

She sees the red cans, but can't quite work out it's an arrow, which is gutting.

And that costs her so much time, 40 minutes and 15 seconds, which is unusual for Laura.

She's normally across these things.

But can I just say what a bad look that was for straight women everywhere who can't follow easy directions?

Am I right?

We all look at that and go, come now, you saw it.

You were the one under the table and you couldn't do it.

This is them walking around in the mall.

I did not think that.

Sure, but now you're thinking about it.

Now I am because you've put it in my head.

See, that's a $20 voucher in your back pocket.

And Matt finds the not beans it which it looks very quick but apparently he talked to paul for so long before he even started looking that it was six minutes and 31 seconds because he's an overthinker because he's the overthinker but also just not in a rush to do anything seemingly no but but honestly because i worked with him on the other tasks sometimes i had to go let's just we're going with matt we're doing that we talked about it a lot after the

the show how

you know perfect the matching was number one but also just just how he will overthink something to death.

And I have no

risk assessment.

I have no, I just, whatever's in my head comes out as an action.

Well, we'll get to talk about one of your team tasks a little bit later on.

Um, but for this task, it was Laura with one point, uh, David with two points.

You got three points, Oslo, four points for Matt, and five points for a very surprised guy.

Bearing in mind, he took hammers to the cans.

Five points is pretty impressive.

It's almost embarrassing to think.

I thought it it would just be opening up one can of beans.

Go fuck yourself Paul.

Absolutely.

I'll probably be that one then.

Tomato.

Sorry.

How many swear words can I say on this show?

I think that's up to you.

Okay, well f you little fking fk you little bsh.

Paul.

That's not it.

The red one?

What does the red one mean?

Do you know which one it is Paul?

Mm-hmm.

Do you wanna give me a clue?

No.

Okay.

Worth a try, though.

Those ones are all red.

What does that mean?

Is there a special meaning to the red cans?

Tell me, Paul.

It's not that.

It's not that.

Why is there a camera here?

What does that mean, Paul?

This one's gonna be a can of whoop-ass, Paul.

I think don't open that one.

Oh no, you're gonna get it.

You get the feeling that's tomato.

Oh my gosh, pool.

Beans beans, beans beans.

I farted a bit more.

I think I like hammering myself with tomato juice.

I'm not sure.

Just because I'm doing it a lot, it doesn't mean I like it.

Okay.

Spill them.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, there's beans in here!

You won't come for that.

I'm fine.

Don't feel my bean, Paul.

I'm fine, thank you.

Little red ones pointing an arrow to this one can of beans that was here.

Yeah.

You happy with that?

Who in their right mind would be happy with that?

Look at this.

Who me?

Look at little Paul.

He's flicked with tomato juice.

Task two, make your hometown proud.

Biggest hometown hero wins.

You have 45 minutes.

Your time starts now.

Now, Ursula, you are from Benone

and you really, really put the boot into Benoni, I'd say.

You called it

all sorts of names.

Do you regret doing that now?

Have you had any backlash backlash from that?

So, no.

I mean, Benoni is a big city, really.

Millions of people.

It's part of Greater Johannesburg.

You would think, like, even while I was doing it, I knew there'd be no backlash.

Sometimes when you do something and you go, there could be something.

You know, you don't know, but you're sort of a little scared.

But never, not once was I worried.

I didn't once worry what they were going to say on the wiki page because we have a wiki page for Benoni.

i'm on it um

i'm actually above sholi's the run just saying wow um yeah uh and you know but everyone who's been to benoni goes fair fair yeah no that's that's pretty fair no it's i mean it's great when you it's like you know when you have a dysfunctional family like everyone in the family is like this is this is not right but if anyone else goes what's happening with you then you're all on your you know you're ready to protect.

Then you're saying it's the best place ever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People, well, I mean, we, no one ever says that, but we will defend it, even though.

But, but I think people could see, you know, the fact that I didn't lie about where I'm from.

Because a lot of people, let me tell you, a lot of people that's from the East Rand of Johannesburg, instead of saying, I'm from,

you know, I grew up in the Far East Rand, they will always say, I'm from Johannesburg.

They lie.

They lie.

Like when I meet South Africans now, if you'll meet heaps of South Africans and they're all going, I'm from Joeberg, you go, yeah, where?

Because very few people actually live in Johannesburg.

Johannesburg is a hole.

Like you need to, you go, where?

I don't just let Joeberg slide.

They go, oh, from the South.

I go, where?

Give me the town.

Give me your mum's street address now.

Because you know, like even our accents are different from where, you know, like it's, it's like a whole, but Benoni, you have to be a specific type of person.

And when you meet other people from Benone, you go, I get you.

But no, heaps of people have come out of the woodworks and go, oh my God, I,

like, even yesterday, we were saying, Taskmaster taught me you're from Benone and that you're Afrikaans speaking.

They didn't know.

Heaps of people didn't know that.

And I'm like, this is Taskmaster has opened a whole door.

But no, people are so proud that i did that and they go yep summed it up perfectly did they like the poem with it were they into the poem yeah yeah yeah yeah

because the poem would you say this is one of the tasks where you thought i can't i can't beat laura on singing and i can't beat david on acting so i'm just gonna just do what i think i said that too yeah i said there's no way that i can i can beat this um but also i know where the others are from they're from nice places yeah you know two of them are from the South Island.

I'm not, I'm not betting that.

You know, they grew up in paradise.

So I'm like, well, just knuckle down.

Just be truthful.

You know, just live your truth.

That's what I'm saying.

I would say the others made them where they were from sound really boring, though.

Well, it is New Zealand, so it is.

No, New Zealand's not boring.

It's a wonderful place to visit.

It's a wonderful place to visit.

That's why I, you know, like, I moved here in my 30s.

I love love it because it's boring.

Yeah.

Because it's, you know, I mean, if you're not into extreme sports, what do you think is left?

Wine?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there's that.

But you know, if you just sit in the backyard drinking wine all day, it's not a thrilling life, but it's a good, boring life.

Because Guy and David are both from Christchurch.

And

Guy's little Christchurch that he created in the caravan was pretty tedious, I'd say.

Well done to all the sports teams.

There was a big cardboard cathedral thing that he made.

It was pretty, it didn't make me want to go to Christchurch.

No, and that's a good instinct.

Nothing wrong with your instincts.

I am touring to Christchurch.

So go see Ed.

He's great.

He's great.

No, I love Christchurch.

My sister lives there.

And I really do.

So

the whole Benoni, the whole Benoni clan come over to New Zealand?

Yeah, mate.

You know, once one one foreign person finds the gate we let everyone in

my mum's here my brother everyone everyone lives here now fantastic yeah david also from christchurch i felt bad for david because he was trying to do something outrageous by booking tickets for him and paul to go to christchurch and then take all these photos but it wasn't within the time the time was 45 minutes and it and then he went to the seemingly i mean the worst bits of christchurch just some malls

no no that's christchurch

I can see you haven't been.

Ricketton Mall is my favorite.

Just shout out Ricketon Mall.

I'll see you in two months when I come to visit my sister.

So that is it, is it?

That's Christchurch, the fort, the fort.

Yeah, or that or walking in the mountain.

But that's it, really.

Yeah, no, you're going to the mall or to the mountain.

There's a nice Air Force Museum if you're into that.

I'm not.

It's at Wigram, yeah.

Because my sister lives right next to the Air Force Museum.

So I go there a lot.

You go to to the Air Force Museum a lot?

Yeah, because I've got an eight-year-old son who loves it.

My daughter and I sit as just schlep behind him.

Yeah.

Matt sung a song about Dunedin, where he's from.

How did this take Matt 45 minutes?

Because the song was not, it was very hastily thrown together.

It's Matt.

Like, he would have thought about it.

And then he probably would have thought about buying tickets.

He would have thought about getting artists in from the area.

He would have thought about burning a couch, which is what they do in Dunedin.

He would have, you know, like all of these things.

And then I'm telling you now that when Paul would have gone, just so you know, you only have three minutes and he would have gone, oh, sing a song.

Like, it probably would have just popped into his head.

Like, yeah.

Yeah, that's, I'm not surprised at all.

So are people in Dunedin famous for eating cheese rolls?

Yeah.

The whole South Island.

Well, the more, the further south you go, it's just a piece of white bread that they flatten out.

I'm going to tell you now because they're going to tell you to eat it at the airports.

But you can get it at bakeries too, but this is like a delicacy.

They sell it like you're going to get fresh oysters.

It's a piece of white bread that they flatten and then they put like

cheese spread on it and they roll it and they toast it.

Right.

I mean, it sounds nice.

It is nice.

It is nice.

And some people put fresh, you know, bit of cheese or bit of marmite or a bit of, you know, they all have their own little.

Oh, and we put, they put like a,

it's this weird dip that they make over here, like an onion dip.

They put some of that in.

And

I mean, at the end of the day, I think it's great if you like a bit of weed and then you need some snacks and you have 12 of those and you just zoom them like popcorn.

But yeah, it's all right.

I like it.

But I like food.

This whole show teaches me so much about New Zealand culture.

it's wonderful oh the new zealanders will rip me apart when they hear this but it is true like you oversell that is it's the same as pineapple lumps they're like it's delicious i go it is not stop selling foreign people this stuff we have so many things that are amazing in new zealand our dairy is amazing our lamb is amazing the pies they make here oh man you could go on a gold medal tour of pies because they give i don't know if you guys have the pie awards in the uk but we have the pie awards every year where you can, your pie can win this award for being the best pie in the country.

And wouldn't you want that?

And then they list them.

So when I go on my comedy tours, I do the top 10 pies

in the area that I go to, and I go buy a pie at each one of those award-winning pie places because that's the kind of passion I'm after.

Not my mum makes a cheese sandwich.

The pies thing is a good idea.

I might have to come and do a pie tour with some gigs in between, maybe.

Laura is from Palmerston North, another place I don't know much about, but makes a tourism video mainly focused on the fact that John Cleese came once and said the place made him want to kill himself.

Yeah, which was obviously huge news in Palmerston North.

Yeah, it's the only thing it's still there.

And, you know, it's almost like they've

gone with that vibe and really knuckled down.

I just like Palmerston North is sort of, I can't, I can't talk badly about Palmerston North because my ex-wife is from Fielding, which is the little town next to Palmerston North.

Yeah.

With, and there's like, it's been voted, I think, the 15 years in a row, like the most beautiful

town in New Zealand.

And it is beautiful,

but it's like dating a model.

Hot, but there's nothing going on, you know, like not very bright.

So then you have to go to Palmerston North because they don't even, Fielding doesn't even have a mall.

So you have to go to Palmerston North for any and all entertainment.

So Palmerston North is like a beacon of light for me.

And it was for like, you know, 15 years.

And even now, this past weekend, my ex,

they all went down there to go scatter her grandma's ashes.

And she's like, do you want to?

And I went, no.

I didn't even know she was inviting me, but the answer was no.

Was Fielding where you got the rugby ball from for the show as well?

The prize task, your rugby ball, the most New Zealand thing was from Fielding.

See, I'm learning.

This is great.

I can go do the whole thing.

Because

Fielding is one of those, it is so kiwi.

Like, if you want to be in a proper New Zealand town, you go to Fielding.

It is filled with proud New Zealanders, sheep farmers, dairy farmers.

And everywhere, when I just moved over to New Zealand, I'd go somewhere near, and people would say to me, Oh, where are you from?

When you go to Fielding, they'd go, Oh, why are you here?

I was like, oh, that's different.

That's not as warm as I think you think it is.

David, very sadly, he got one point, which I think was actually a pity point because he should have been disqualified, in my opinion, because he didn't, he didn't have to.

I should have gotten that point.

Yeah, you should have gotten that extra point.

Guy got the two points for, even though he did a lot of work in that caravan, Matt somehow got three points, even though I think the song was written very swiftly, as you suggested.

Um, and also, he wasn't born in Dunedin, he was born in England.

Yeah, he was born in Oxford, in England.

There's loads of things to talk about from Oxford,

you know, yeah, unbelievable.

Um, Ursula, you got four points, uh, but you think you deserve the five?

I do, I do, I think I deserve six, you know, with David's point,

and Laura got the five points for her tourism video, but these are the tasks that Laura's very good at.

Putting together that video was was excellent do you love pit cows are you a teen student looking to start a family of your own go the turbos go the turbos

does this green work against the green screen

my name is lieutenant laura daniel and i want you to join the palmy army Joining the ranks of the Palmy Army means you'll be bulleted to New Zealand's fourth best super city, the heart of the mighty Manawatu.

If you hate sand in between your toes, we don't have any beaches.

We just have this big, beautiful brown river.

Feel free to take your shoes off and wither your toes through the rusty river rocks.

The river water is so fresh you could drink it.

We have great cuisine like Lone Star and at least two wild beads.

We have heaps of great celebrity exports on the wall of fame in Moxie's Cafe like this famous person.

If I was the mayor of Palmerston North, I'd give her the key to the city.

So what are you waiting for?

Join the Palmy Army today.

Except for John Cleese, you can fuck off.

Eliminate John Cleese.

Wow, look, if it isn't famous hater of Palmerston North, John Cleese.

Join the Palmy Army and eliminate John Cleese.

Task three, the team task.

Make the loudest loudest noise.

You must not use your voice either during your noise or during your preparation.

You must salute Paul for five seconds before and after making your noise.

Your noise must be made within 20 minutes.

Loudest noise wins.

Your time starts now.

I love you and Matt in this task.

Not being able to talk and having those headphones on and walking around.

I think you could be the next Mr.

Bean, you two.

I think you could be a global comedy silent sensation.

That was so hard because he overthinks everything and he needs to discuss everything.

And then not being able to talk was a massive,

you know.

And, and

this is after, this is the first episode, I think, back from me breaking my collarbone so I could only use the one hand.

Yes.

And so we were unpacking stuff out of the shed and it was really tough, like going, what can we do?

But then also, because then suddenly we had the

health and safety guy, which we never had.

Well, only david had the health and safety guy but now we had that man who would watch us like a hawk you know so it was we had we couldn't communicate other than you know sort of a lot of eye contact and scribbling things down and then having to deal with that guy going nope not that nope not that so there was someone actually there basically like telling you to not do things because obviously for listeners who might not have heard a previous episode um

you broke your collarbone whilst doing a task in the house.

So they obviously had to ship this guy in to make sure you didn't break anything else.

Yeah, so I think when you watch the first episode of this Taskmaster season two, you go, okay.

David had the house and safety guy from day one.

They had him there for days.

They knew.

They just knew.

They knew.

Like, because he would tie himself upside down from the rafters.

He would climb on top of the shelves in the kitchen, which is like, because when they built this house, they built it because the guy thought he was going to have giraffes in the property.

So he built this house with very high windows.

And, you know, like it was, so David would, every time he'd climb on something, he'd go, oh, he climbed on top of the cupboards.

But no, he was on top of the cupboards that a man thought a giraffe would stand next to.

Okay.

So we're not talking your average, your mum's kitchen.

We're talking giraffe high.

Okay.

So, yeah, the house and safety guy was there for him.

But then as soon as I broke my collarbone, they were like, Wait, why is he only here one day a week for one person?

Then he was there the whole time.

He was then,

you know, like someone's dad is umpiring a game.

He was just all eyes on us the whole time.

If I touched anything, because at one point I had this big hammer and he was like,

because I couldn't grab it with two hands.

So he's like, I don't think that's a good idea.

So, but he would talk to the producers while we just carried on filming.

And you could just see him in the background.

ruining it ruining the fun yeah that's not what taskmaster's about health and safety no but now if i think back i'm like why didn't we ask for like explosives you know because you don't you don't know how much stuff you can ask paul for like i would test him a few times and i would say but then he'd be so terrible at helping and i'm like oh

um well you asked him for you asked him if you could kill a duck is what you asked for instead yeah yeah

what were you hoping that would contribute to the to the noise the sort of the pained quacks that sort of stuff yeah well you think oh i mean have you ever seen bagpipes that has been blown up and then when they deflate they're still like

and i thought i thought if we have that yeah you know sort of even if you have a conversion yeah yeah yeah like i i thought it would be like ducks can be quite loud and farming you know filming on that farm situation a few times we had like oh, the ducks are too loud.

Let's just, we just need to wait for them to sort of go.

And then, you know, we start again.

So I thought, well, if we kill one of them, you know, because there was a lot.

I think one of the crew actually got sick

because of duck shit.

Yeah, there was duck shit.

Like, yeah.

And then.

I think something, this is how you know that five second rule don't count.

Like something fell and they picked it up and ate it, but there was a bit of duck shit on it and they got really sick.

And then the doctors go, Did you get in close contact with duck poo?

And they were like, Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how delicious those cheese rolls are, though.

I'll tell you what, once they drop, you've got a gram.

What you end up doing is taking a wheelie bin into the lab, putting loads of stuff in it, hitting it with a hammer and shovel, and pushing it off the table.

Yeah.

I thought it was a pretty good noise.

I mean,

Guy was quite

withering about it and said that you've put everything into a noise-muffling vessel.

Yeah.

But it was, I mean, cement floors, anything that drops, you know,

would

I thought it was good.

I mean, it was, and I think you were right to go for a big, loud, sudden noise rather than a constant noise, like the others.

You want to spike it?

Yeah.

That's the highest point, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's what I would have gone for.

But the others, Laura Guy and David,

ask for a stereo.

David then makes a mad noise out of his mouth, which is specifically against the rules.

Um, and I think he's heartbroken from then, isn't he?

He knows he's he's fucked up there, yeah, and then gets everything out of the shed.

Then they come back out and say, We're not doing

we're not doing that anymore.

We're going into the kitchen.

He's just constantly being beaten down, David.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I said.

He's an open pistachio going into the show, he's cracked, yeah.

He's

already digging at him, yeah.

Um, and they end up in the kitchen, they make a massive noise, 105 decibels, but David's noise means they only get one point.

Did that make you feel good in the studio?

Were you glad?

Yes.

Yes, very glad.

Because a lot of times I think, like, because they were so outrageous, they would just get all the points.

So it was like, no, we deserve that.

We deserve that they got shafted on that one.

I felt good about that.

You guys got three points.

Feel like maybe could have deserved a little bit more.

And it was one point for Laura, Guy, and David.

A stereo.

I like them.

Big thumbs up from me.

Do I have a stereo?

No, sorry.

You're going to create an echo chamber.

Guys suggested a small room with pots and pans.

Guy thinks it it might be louder in the kitchen.

It looked loud.

To start, I guess.

To look loud.

Fuck.

That tape was brilliant.

Let's talk about the live task.

In order from left to right, select your weapon, then in order from right to left, select your snack.

Then taking turns, use your weapon to slice your snack in two.

You each have 10 seconds to make your slice.

Most perfectly halved snack wins.

I love this game.

This is a game you can play at home.

Ursula, you absolutely killed this.

Yes.

The chopstick to cut in half the cheesecake, only two grams difference between the two slices.

Is this a skill that you've always known that you had?

Yeah.

I mean, there was no doubt in my mind.

As soon as I said what had, I knew I could do it.

This is one of those things, like, tell me you grew up poor without telling me you grew up poor

and i'm the youngest of three so my mum would go if we ever had a treat which is rare but if we had a treat my mom would go okay whoever cuts it is the last one to to get like so say if there's something we have to cut it in four because mum gets a share too right

so the one who cuts just takes whatever is left over.

So you know you got to cut it perfect.

Otherwise you are screwing yourself out of a, you know, you can't be cutting big, big pieces here.

So I can, that is still, even when I can pour, say, drinks, because I've got two kids and they do the same now.

You put, and we're not even growing, they're not even growing.

I pour it.

So obviously, it's just a kid thing, but you just pour it, and then they both will watch who's got more milk.

And my daughter will go, oh, it's the same.

They always go, it's the same.

And I'm just free-balling it from up here.

I'm not looking in the sides, but I just know.

It's just one of those skill sets.

It's just, it's in me, and I am all about exactly being fair.

And I can, it's just anything.

You can give me anything to split, and I can do it.

You know, it can be an idea, and you will get half the idea.

Don't you want to do that?

So,

do you think you could have nailed it as much with what the others had?

Could you have done the cauliflower with the sword?

Yeah, 100%.

I could have.

Any one of those, I could have done.

I love it.

I love the conversation.

Any one of those.

I could split a rock with a feather.

I'm telling you now.

That is my superpower

is splitting things up.

Like, you know, I'm not saying it's my fault my parents got divorced, but.

Well, I'm glad you got to display that skill on the show.

It was five points for you, four points for Laura and her pickle.

Matt got three points.

Guy gets two points for a disastrous carrot chop.

And David gets one point point for the aforementioned cauliflower.

Meaning, Ursuli, you win this episode.

You can go up, claim your prizes.

You take the kiss from two contestants,

and the other vouchers remain in your back pocket.

Although we didn't discuss whether you'd

use the peaches and cream voucher yet.

Oh, that's gone.

That's gone.

Because I'm a member.

Yeah, I'm in lead member.

Not a one.

Matt is in second, joint second with Laura.

Guy on 13 points and David on 10 points, meaning that Laura is still in the lead in the series.

You are in the bottom of the series at this point as we go through, but

I don't think you care.

As soon as you chop that cheesecake, you'd won the series in your own mind, I think.

Yes, that's right.

Orzina, thank you so much for coming back on the show.

You are on tour.

Would you like to tell us where you're off to?

Tell us a little bit about the show.

Yes.

So this show is called You Don't Say, and it's just all the things that either I have said to people or people have said to me that honestly, we didn't have to um and I'm going all over um the UK and I'm going to Ireland this time because last time I I had to leave Ireland out because I was making a movie last year so I didn't have time to go to everywhere that I wanted to go but this year I'm going everywhere and I'm announcing soon

but I'll probably be it's already announced by the time this comes out and everything's just on my website urshlacarlson.com fantastic well thank you so much for coming back on the podcast.

We always ask our guests to rate their experience on the podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster.

We hope you've had a good time, but feel free to be honest when you give us a point, Score.

Okay, I'm going to, I would have given you five, but because we couldn't get Christine off, I'm going to drop a point for that.

So I'll give you a solid four.

Okay, four.

We've lost the point because the producer was in vision during the call.

But apart from that, we've done really well there, actually.

Thank you so much, Ursula.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much to Ursula for coming on the show.

Told you she's brilliant.

But you guys know that.

Do go and see her.

Do stand up.

She's an absolute master of that as well.

Her tour, she said, should be announced now.

So pop onto her website, pop onto her socials, see where she's coming to, and go and see the show.

For now, I will say goodbye.

But we will be back next week to talk about Taskmaster New Zealand Series 2, Episode 6.

And our wonderful guest is Taskmaster Champion, Taskmaster New Zealand champion, Melanie Bracewell.

Yes, Mel will be coming on the show.

She is, of course, the champion of series/slash/season four of Taskmaster New Zealand.

She's another brilliant comic.

Can't wait to speak to her.

Her first time on the podcast.

We'll be back next week talking to her.

But thank you to Ursula.

Thank you to you for listening.

And we'll see you next week.

Bye-bye.