Ep 179. Desiree Burch - S18 Ep.8

Hello, and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast.

It's me, Ed Gamble, and we feel like we're nearing the end of series 18 now.

But let's not wish the time away.

We've got three fantastic episodes left, and today we will be discussing series 18, episode 8 of Taskmaster.

And we have a fantastic guest, as always, to talk through all the happenings on this week's episode which I hope you've watched.

We have the fantastic Desiree Birch.

Of course Desiree Birch a former Taskmaster contestant and a wonderful one at that as well.

Very much looking forward to talking to Desiree.

Always a scream talking to Desiree.

Let's get on with it.

I mean there's not much to say other than watch Taskmaster channel 4 9 p.m.

Taskmaster Junior starts on November 8th, 8 p.m.

channel 4.

There is never a time where you cannot be part of the Taskmaster world.

Let's chat to Desiree anyway about Taskmaster Series 18, episode 8.

Welcome back, Desiree, to the Taskmaster podcast.

Oh, my goodness.

What an amazing podcast voice you have.

You've been perfecting this over the years.

I mean, it's even better than the last time.

I mean, look, my podcast voice gets a lot of work.

I'd say I speak in my podcast voice more than I do in my normal voice, which those of you who don't hear me.

Quite squeaky.

Yeah, and those of you who don't hear me normally, I mean, Desiree knows because we've spoken backstage before.

I actually sound like this.

Yes.

Yeah.

So.

I mean, normally it's the American doing the bad impersonation of a little chimney sweep, but when it Ed's around, it's really, it's like Elvin and also Dick Van Dyke at the same time.

Yeah, that's my natural voice.

All chimney sweeps' voices in popular entertainment are based on my natural tone.

Oh my God, do you keep Greg's head just in the corner of your view so that everyone who does the the podcast sits here just furious 90% of the time that they don't have one?

It wasn't deliberate on that part.

That is just the perfect place for it.

But yeah,

when COVID really kicked in and I was doing a lot of podcasts from this room, it was perfect that it was within frame.

Yeah, I would say so.

Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, hello, Mr.

Gamble.

How are you today?

I'd say some people don't care, Desiree, but you seem like you really do care.

Yeah, no, no, no.

You can't win your series.

Yeah, no, no.

I mean, you know, like in the days, weeks, months, and years that have progressed since that time,

I've developed my first

lasting grudge.

And you came joint third.

You were nowhere near the name.

Yeah, joint third.

Joint third.

Oh, oh, great.

I can high-five somebody getting half a bronze medal.

Awesome.

Oh, God.

Look, but what we should say as well, Desiree, is before we talk about this series and talk about this particular episode, I didn't realize this.

You won five prize tasks, which is an incredible haul for someone who then went on to come joint third.

Yes.

Look, I will tell everybody living on earth that I screwed up the day I was supposed to hit a bell and chose to second guess myself and not hit a bell.

Those who betray themselves on this show live to regret it.

Like, you know, if you aren't fully true to yourself, which I feel like everybody on this series is absolutely being, like, I'm loving getting to know comedians that I've known before and some that I haven't, you know, I haven't actually met Jack, you know, for instance.

Like, I've worked with Kenny before, I've worked with Emma, but like, it's great to see, like, oh, it's really coming through.

Like, I was surprised that your squeaky voice did not come out in your series, but I know that you're quite more, you know, you're all about the game.

Like, you're quite enterprising, yeah.

I play the game big time.

I would say the moment that maybe everything turned for you in your series, Desiree, because I was watching it on YouTube the other day, coincidentally, it popped up on my YouTube feed, was

when you just bought everything from Little Alex's shop and threw fork after fork after fork at the balloon and then cut the portcullis string and it didn't even come down the first time.

I'd say that was the moment that you truly unwound.

Yes, but I truly ate the sand.

Yes.

I mean, everybody has at least one of those moments in their series of like when they just absolutely lose the plot.

You know, my understanding from a bit of clown training is that at some point, the comedy god, they need a sacrifice of humiliation in order to be satisfied with you.

And they just rotate which of us gets humiliated in which way in which particular venue.

You know this as well as any of us.

And we submit ourselves for this humiliation for the good of the people.

So that was my day in the rain, you know, ruining my hair, like the whole thing.

I was like, how, like, could there be lightning?

I mean, look, I shouldn't have asked.

There probably could have been.

With you holding a load of forks.

Yes, exactly.

I mean, fortunately, All of those forks were purchased for one collective pound.

They were the worst forks.

If they had any weight to them them whatsoever, if we'd gone to a John Lewis for these forks, I would have saved minutes.

Well, we should talk about this particular episode of series 18 of Taskmaster

and see if anyone humiliates themselves in this episode.

The prize task, just when you thought they'd run out of prize task categories, is the thing that most makes Greg scratch his chin.

Yes.

I mean,

like, you know, as with every taskmaster, you know, challenge, obviously, there are multiple ways to interpret it.

I did, even though it was

ill-conceived, I think part of the problem was that we already had sort of like the mosquito realm taken.

I did love what Emma did, even though it was at one point, probably because they look like,

you know, computer printouts of Zip.

The the fake chin acne I really thought when she said fake chin acne that there was going to be she'd gone to some sort of SFX artist and yeah and as opposed to Google Images yeah and

printed them out and put them on her chin I mean they did look like they look they look like aggressive nipples I'd say yes more than anything else and we I mean like aggressive nipples maybe she was holding those back from all the nipples you can't put on social media otherwise you get shadow banned and she was like I just need to get these out but yeah they did look like i mean i would have gone with like poison oak rather than

you know although few people have gotten poison ivy or poison oak on their chins but if you did you would definitely be scratching it or like yeah chin jock itch is that a thing it's probably not but it probably could be if you tried it doesn't feel like it seems like the wrong thing to pick i agree with you for an itch like an itch to scratch and greg sort of proves that point because i think emma really thought that she tricked greg yes by by saying and what would you do if you had a pimple on your chin as if he was just going to scratch his chin?

But no one scratches spots like that.

No, they really don't.

I mean, you might keep picking at it if you can't, you know, and she would have really had to have dug deep into the precise kind of spot that you keep doing this to multiple times in order to count as like one single.

I know no, it's a podcast.

No one can see what I'm doing.

But you know the ones that you keep messing around with, that you don't just squeeze once, but that you're like,

like the tiny little ones you think you can scratch off and then you wind up carving a hole in your face.

That one might have gotten her there but i feel like this was thought of in on the way into the taskmaster house that day i think so this wasn't emma's strongest prize um and also the kids these days they're not they're not messing with their spots they're putting stuff they're putting stars on them the kids the grown-ups i've seen people middle-aged i want stars i didn't know we could just put stickers on her face why stop at stars oh if you did a a spot cover-up and it was a sticker but a scratch and sniff sticker she could have brought it right back on home A scratch and sniff sticker is a great idea, or I think maybe a sticker with a photorealistic, much worse

spot.

Like, yes, a sticker with just like psoriasis on it.

It's like, you made that way worse.

I mean, that's a direction to go.

Let people get used to it and then go to the toilet, take off that sticker, and then they won't even notice what's on you.

Oh my God, whatever.

You look so good.

Did you lose weight?

Yes, I lost a whole rash off my face.

She didn't do great on this one.

I saw where she was coming from, but it didn't quite work.

Let's talk about Bubba's effort, because this is one of my favorite prize tasks that he's done.

Because rather than go down itching the chin or anything like that, he tries to make Greg scratch his chin in a confused way because all he's brought in is a paper plate.

And I thought this was so funny.

That was solid.

That was actually solid because, you know, that's the other, that is the genuine spirit of chin scratching is what?

Yeah.

And

an effort so poor, so, so flagrantly, flagrantly underwhelming is enough to make everyone at home scratch their chin.

Like, what did he think he would get out of this?

I think only had he like done something weird on the plate.

Like, the problem is you don't want to make the plate more interesting.

You'd have to make the plate, like the plate's confusing and you don't want to make it like interesting by putting something something on it that's like, oh, I get it.

You want people to not get it.

I don't know what you could put on a plate.

Yeah, I just want to get a little bit of a colour.

Just like a drawing of another paper plate?

Yeah, that's nice.

I did enjoy just the understated nature of like, why have you brought a paper plate in for this task?

He should have bought the packaging for the game.

It doesn't necessarily work with what Bub has done so far in the series.

Because if all his prizes had been really good and then

a paper plate, then that would have been great.

But his prizes have not been great.

I mean, you can tell by the way, Greg throws to him first for the prize, and he just goes, Oh no, yes, yes, he really doesn't want to go.

I think had Baba brought in like an uncle that wasn't working that day, like if he had had like only crap prizes the whole series and then just brought in his uncle and had him sit there in silence,

that would have been a good, you know, because it would have far surpassed everything that he had done, but still make no sense.

Um, a very Andy Zaltzman prize from Andy Zaltzman,

a creative product that he's made up.

He's done this a few times so far in the series.

This is the first one that isn't a series of puns, like multi-layered compound puns.

It's simply the mosquito aftershave, which I think if you're going to do the itchy chin, this is the way to do it, right?

That is precisely the way to do it.

I just, I wonder if Andy Zaltzman is like sort of simultaneously as he is doing and enjoying and really standing a strong chance of winning Taskmaster this series also establishing his own side hustle cottage industry of products that he will then you know probably get backers maybe off of Shark Tank if he goes on that like he does a couple of shows and then because like there are enough things that he's just puts out that I think the market the people who watch Taskmaster are precisely his market I think so.

I think this and the powdered trampoline from a previous episode, I think is definitely the way to go yes and desiree you've been in the uk long enough to know now we don't have shark tank we have dragon's den yes that's right sorry it's the it's the other

i have the sorry sometimes i flip back and i say trash instead of rubbish and everyone goes nope no we know how long you've lived here now you don't get away with it anymore

oh my goodness Let's talk about Jack's, which was the Colin Phillips Book of Information, which is a book that has a screwdriver in there.

I mean, I don't know about you.

Maybe I missed something.

I can be quite dim.

I was quite baffled by this, Desiree.

I got it immediately and appreciated it because obviously there's the Phillips head screwdriver.

And I mean, I don't know if it makes me, I guess.

There is a window in which you kind of do a chin scratch because you go like, oh, I wouldn't have guessed that Mr.

Phillips of the Phillips head screwdriver was called Colin.

But then he was like, oh, no, this is just another guy named Colin Phillips who was tangentially related.

And that's the explanation of when you go, okay, why would you bring this?

So I thought this was quite clever.

I was surprised.

I was surprised that it scored so low, to be honest.

But, cause what did he get for this?

He got three, and so did Baba.

So I guess they were on similar tracks with

confusing prizes.

Fair enough.

I feel like this,

I guess I don't know if the effort.

I would have thought it would have gotten more because I was like, oh, that's quite clever.

But also, clever isn't what you want to go for in a chin-scratching competition.

so in some ways baba's is the better um you know thing to bring in because it really does make you go who and what and why

um yes so much why

uh but yeah this was um the explanation did make it more chin-scratchy than the actual thing because i got it

like i got it immediately when i saw phillips and then the screwdriver and then his explanation made me go wait what Yeah,

that's what threw me, I think.

But look,

it's definitely a chin scratch as well.

We're going to talk about Rosie because Rosie got the five points.

She's been very good at prize tasks some weeks.

She's absolutely smashed out of the park with some of the best price tasks I think I've seen on the show.

Her coffin that she brought in in particular was a real highlight.

And this one, again, a very good prize task.

Simply a question on a scroll: Would you rather make sweet love to Rosie's body, but with Alex's head or Alex's body with Rosie's head?

I mean, this is this was one of like a perfect Rosie Jones moment because all of us who know her know that she's a scumbag.

She's an absolute dirtbag filth monster.

And this is where, you know, she sings her swan song so purely of just like, this is who I am on the inside.

And it's, it's, it's terrible.

I actually feel like, you know,

it's interesting because I really, I understand why Greg one, rewarded it because it was fantastic and two, gave the answer he gave, but I feel like he's glossing over the deep, rich, complex nature of his relationship with Alex Horne.

And, like, because, you know, I don't know that it's going to humiliate Alex Horne.

If anything, I think it's going to be a culmination of a decade or more of work of building toward this glorious moment of union between the two of them that all Taskmaster fans, legions of fans have at some point fantasized about on purpose or accidentally.

Let's be honest.

I've got to say, so in the end, Greg said he'd make love to Alex's body with Rosie's head, right?

So he could because he'd rather talk to Rosie's head.

And I feel like that was reason enough.

I don't know that it's going to be humiliation for Alex to make sweet love to his body, you know, because I feel like that would just be lovely.

I think that would just be finally a nice thing to do to Alex Horn.

If I was Alex in this scenario, I'd be much more flattered by someone saying, I want to make love to your body.

Yes.

I'm like, I'm like, right on.

Those two squats I did in my life worked out in the end because

Gret Davis wants to make love to my body.

Like, neither of those guys want to look each other in the face while it's happening.

So I feel like that was the only correct answer for everyone's like enjoyment.

And also, we've got to ask ourselves, how much sort of general small talk is Greg doing during love making?

I would agree with that.

I think it's all bance until the business happens.

You know, and then it might be meaningful looks.

And then you just see the wave of shame come and you're like, oh no, there's something else going on here.

So yeah,

I feel like Rosie, on the other hand, would appreciate that.

She would appreciate looking at that.

She doesn't need the sex.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, whatever.

She's got way more than anybody could possibly fathom, right?

She doesn't want to make love to Craig Davis, but she does want to look him in the face while he's making love to Alex Horn's body.

So, if anything, she won five points and so much more.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, truly, truly amazing from Rosie.

Just the perfect Rosie Jones prize, like you say, like it's filthy, it's made other people feel uncomfortable, and she absolutely delight in that.

Yes, yeah, forever.

Yeah, she will always have that.

It was one point for Emma, three points for Jack, three points for Bubba, four points for Andy, and five points for Rosie and the prize task yet again.

I've got you some aftershave.

It's made out of mosquitoes, is it?

It's made out of mosquito bite, so it's actually the saliva of the mosquito that creates the allergic reactions.

I'm going to get a lovely old big chin with that, aren't you?

Have a look at the other side.

Look who uses it.

The absolute highlight for me is now I scratch my chin like a real man.

Task one, put on the special glasses, fastest wins, your time starts now.

An infuriating task.

Of course.

I mean, it's a classic taskmaster, like, ah, you little piss ant.

This is the task kind of task.

Yes.

You know, the amount of touching of that pedestal, you know, of just like, oh, the frustrating touching.

And this sounds like we're going back to the last prize task, but the frustrated touching involved in this particular prize task.

I've ever been like, you're so close.

Just keep searching in the room.

But why would you?

I think it's only Rosie who says, what's that?

Why is that in here?

She's the one who spots like, because there's not really anything on it.

Like it doesn't really, it doesn't.

It serves no function.

There's a whole table and chair setup of this thing.

And then there's just a podium for no reason.

And just

classic Alex Horne putting the sort of the lens things there.

Because he knew everyone was going to put those on straight away and go, Oh, I've done it.

These are special glasses.

And he gets to go, No, no, those aren't the spooks, those aren't glasses, those aren't special glasses.

Infuriating, Desiree.

I would have got gone mad at him.

Of course, that's exactly what Greg has to say to his body when they're making love, just for Alex to get there.

Of course, it's like, oh, yeah, here's several red herrings.

Like, here's the glasses.

There's the, you know, there's the script making you look around the entire stupid house just so you can finally give up, either entirely or come back into the room and search it again.

Yes.

I mean

I think this task has some of my favorite classic Taskmaster editing so far in the series.

I think it's the it's Andy and Andy and Rosie both using their fingers to make glasses.

Yes, yes.

Although they did this upright, did they not?

Because the classic kamikaze one is the upside down one, which again, podcast medium, no one can see this.

But if they were going to try for that, this upside down version, far more special than just that.

This is just sort of like, hey, I'm three.

This is like, whoa, I'm flexible.

I just don't know why.

In both of their minds, do you think they thought that that was the task?

The answer is two of my body parts put on my face.

That must be the answer he thought of.

Imagine if Alex, I mean, we know the show's over if the task is put on the special glasses and the only answer is to put your fingers around your eyes, isn't it?

Yes, that is a shark jumped for sure.

Or dragon's den jumped,

whichever translation.

I don't know if the fawns jumped over a dragon in the UK version of that show.

But yes, you do know that that's, and also like, I guess everyone knows that there are workarounds if and when you cheat on this show, you just have to do it well.

And like well is subjective, right?

You know, like exactly.

so the this like you have to go like oh no one else has to think of this as being me

the special glasses yeah that have no glass

okay

cool I mean a lot of them did find the special glasses I mean Andy finds it pretty much by accident yeah um and and calls it says it's really obvious um

so obvious after i almost gave up on it a clean minute ago so obvious took me five minutes it was so obvious and rosie again just sort of has a look around and finds it.

Yes, Emma, like she's dressed as a detective.

In some ways, she set herself up for failure just by being a detective on this particular series because she will always go on the hunt for clues.

My absolute heart and soul is with Emma in this series because I'm like, that's a woman after my own heart.

She's literally like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do the project, I'm gonna do it right, and I hope my friends from school aren't judging me.

Let's go, yeah, that was all so funny.

The things about her friends judging her.

That comes comes a little bit later on, but yeah, that maybe I'll sign.

It does.

And it makes you go like, were they your friends?

My other favorite edit in this episode is Emma and Baba speaking, trying to speak French back to back when he's reading it out and absolutely butchering it when they find the task in the cheese dish.

And then they cut to Emma and she's just like fluently speaking.

Speaking French.

Yep.

I mean, look, even if you don't know words, you can sort of like she's, what did she say?

She got it, is it a 2-1?

21 how does how does scoring work in terms of school in this country what's the best you can get at university

a first is the best you can get then it's two one then it's two two then it's a third

okay she got a two one which is like a B instead of an A but also we've got to remember it's from Cambridge University so I think

so it's like basically you should be a doctor of French but like if you go to dinner parties with impossibly boring people, you might feel a little embarrassed that you don't know everything.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Because she didn't know the word for pedestal.

She had to Google it, which was a shame.

Yeah.

I mean, I studied French.

I could have said that phrase probably and not known half the words in it because you just go,

did you study French with Joey Tribiani?

Yes.

You know, that's that East Coast French.

It's a special dialect.

Whereas Baba, I enjoyed what Bubba did.

He called Eddie Caddy to translate, which I thought was great.

And it's love that we had Andy Solston calling Daniel Kitson last week and Baba calling Eddie Caddy this week.

So it was great.

I love that.

He knew what it was.

Use your community.

It's like, why should I stumble poorly and offensively through French that my good friend, I mean, I'm surprised he has friends that answer the phone.

Yeah.

Like someone might have called me for that and I would have responded to them three days later like, do you still need this?

No,

I think, I mean, shout out to Eddie Caddy.

I've interviewed Eddie before.

He is absolutely hilarious.

He'd be a fantastic contestant.

Putting it out there, putting it into the universe.

I can't believe he hasn't been yet.

I feel like a trick has been missed.

Yeah, I think he'd be an absolute home run.

Yes.

My favorite thing about Bubba, and he does it in this, when he finds the glasses, he puts them on and he goes, bang, like he's done it the best anyone could ever do it.

That, I feel like that is part of

the difference between people who have swag and people who want swag, is that people who have swag are lying about their swag a lot more than we realize.

And if you just go, like, all right, boom, you know, like, bang, like you start making sounds that make you sound like a DC comic hero, and people just sort of go, yeah, that sounds about right.

And everybody thinks you know stuff and are way cooler than you might be because of the sound effects.

Like, he's his own gaffer department.

It's so good.

Just screaming bang.

And he took by far the longest.

Bang.

Bang.

13 minutes, 20.

By far the longest to find those glasses.

But that's not what people will remember.

People will be like, he called his really cool friend and went, bang.

This is like, this is like the best Taskmaster reboot I've ever watched.

Let's talk about Jack finally, because I think this is quite controversial.

Obviously, does it at Jack speed, can't really be bothered, like drags himself around, is really annoyed by the whole thing.

Perfect.

He just goes out, comes back in, lovely reveal.

He's wearing some goggles,

which

are obviously disqualified.

But it says the glasses, and everyone says, oh, it has to be the glasses.

Last week, there was a task where they had to ring the bell, and everyone just rang her bell

and they won.

So

to me, you could put anything on, but Emma's thinking they are goggles, so I do understand that as well.

Sure.

But like, I mean, look, I can only speak from my experience.

If Morgana Robinson had done this, it would have been a five-point

spam out of the park winning.

Like, what a genius workaround.

So I feel like he is well within his rights as a taskmaster competitor to have been like, I found them.

And what are you going to do about it?

I'm Jack D.

And for everyone to be like, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Like, I mean, those are the special glasses or, you know, they're just as special as all of the other glasses that were pulled out that did not have glass.

Special is in the eye of the beholder as well.

Exactly.

You know, special glasses could be glasses that aren't glasses.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

These are very special glasses.

Yeah, they're two paper plates.

But yes, Jack sadly could not argue that properly in the studio.

I don't necessarily think he cared.

But that saves Baba.

He still gets two points because Jack gets the one.

Emma gets three points.

Rosie gets four points.

And Andy brings home the big five.

Doing very well this episode, as is Rosie.

What did you get?

Two on.

Tell you what you get if you get a first.

The vocabulary of sock.

I don't know what that means.

So, task two, before I read out the task, because it's a long one, Desiree, obviously.

Obviously, Alex asks them how they are, how they slept, did they dream about anything last night?

And clearly, is asking them questions something to do with the task.

And I think some people realize that and some people didn't.

Because then, task two is welcome to the barrel task.

Be at the highest number barrel when Alex blows his whistle again.

You may only move to the next barrel when you've completed the challenge at the previous barrel.

If you fail a barrel challenge twice in a row, you must move back to the first barrel.

If you're at an even number barrel at the end of the barrel task, you are disqualified.

You have as long as it took you to walk to this barrel and read up to this line.

Your time started when you said the word barrel for the ninth time now this is obviously a wonderful moment where they go through the times of how long it took them to have that conversation and Rosie's time is three times as much as everyone else

and she just go yes finally yeah exactly pulls her arms over the whole poker table and rakes those chips in

The thing is, even if Rosie didn't speak slowly, she would still have the most amount of time because she loves to fucking talk.

Yes, really, really.

She's just like, hey, I've got your ear.

Let's bullshit together.

You know, knowing the show, you walk into it and you go, like, I can't believe I didn't realize what was going on before because it was just like, there's a lot of piss being taken.

And what are we doing?

You also wonder if Alex just had a dream about a lot of barrels or something.

Like, you know, like, this is one of those, like, where, where did you pull this from in that deep part of your psyche?

What different things, like, you're asking how everybody slept and how they're doing, and just like you know, shooting the stuff with them, la la la la la.

Here's a bunch of barrels.

Look, don't think too deeply, just you know, take a lot of time doing it.

But, um, but you never know because when with conversations like that, it could have been he asked those questions and you're punished for talking for a long time.

So, it could have been that you know, the quicker you are, the more time you have, or something, or now you have to remember everything in a certain order, or yeah, so there's yeah, you never know, you never know, no, um, but uh, very happy to see

Rosie's powers used to her benefit.

I mean, this was fun.

I would have really enjoyed doing this one, I think.

Oh, yeah.

This would have been the most delightful one.

Although you get to barrel two, and now you're just learning facts.

The human neck has the same amount of bones as a giraffe's.

Why?

That isn't what.

I don't know why.

I don't think you can ask why when it comes to evolution.

But why?

Someone should, you know, if anyone's going to find these answers in human form, it should be Alex Horn.

Why?

Why are there so few bones in all of that neck?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, they should.

I guess it's just one massive one.

Maybe Inker.

It's just one massive bone hanging out.

Is that what we, what we've got?

Anyway, it's just obscene.

But I could see how frustrated people were getting as well.

I mean, Bubba's energy, obviously incredible,

accuses the bingo ball machine of being racist.

But But he does not.

I'm surprised no one just reached in.

Although, I guess we gotta do it.

That's exactly what I would have done.

It just said select one or choose one.

I would have just reached in and just taken one that you knew wasn't.

Yeah, even if he's telling me, no, no, turn the tombola.

I'm like, you said select.

I will select.

Yeah, I think Bubba did that eventually, didn't he?

Just grabbed a ball that was trapped in the cage, which I think was a good way of doing it.

But yeah, totally.

But I guess with all the other tasks and you're trying to go quickly, maybe that doesn't occur to you when you're doing it like that.

Fair, fair.

Rosie, just so funny watching Rosie get those true or false questions wrong every single day.

Every time.

Yeah.

Every time.

Yeah, she does not know a lot of facts.

I think.

Well, I guess if she does like to talk, like her strength is her weakness, right?

You know, like everyone, loving to talk and engage people helps, but then you don't learn about giraffes' necks or like footballers' middle names.

She's probably been in multiple conversations with zoologists and they haven't had a chance to say anything.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Like, seriously.

She's just like, I learned nothing from that, but you're welcome.

Jack,

this is a wonderful moment because it really seems like Jack doesn't care.

And then he does really well.

And then he clearly cares because he tries to lie about having a coffee bead in his mouth.

Yes, I missed what Alex said to catch him because he was like, yeah, and I bought it.

I was like, I bought it.

Was he just like trying to get a perfect score, like plowing through that?

And Alex's like, nah.

That's not a coffee bead, is it?

And then he just laughed.

He couldn't carry it off.

I guess they were different shapes, maybe the coffee bean ones.

So Alex knew, or maybe they were on the black square.

Maybe he had a little coffee bean squares.

Maybe he had like one of those little, you know, when you get a box of chocolates and it tells you what is what, you know, and one of them was like a strawberry cream if you really went wrong.

Yeah, so fair enough.

But I appreciate it.

Yeah, he was very funny.

He was very funny with it and clearly wanted to do well.

Interestingly, Emma in the studio says that Alex is being sweeter with Jack than he is with everyone else.

And I've I've been saying this, Desiree, since the beginning of the series.

I mean, how is that going to not happen?

I mean, I feel like Jack is going to wind up taking home a head that he just then, you know, puts on his kitchen counter next to a Cuisinart or something.

Because, like, yeah, I think everyone's sort of like, you're Jack D.

He's on the show.

And Alex has been trying for so long to get him on the show since the beginning.

Yes.

So I think now he's here.

I think we've got to agree that Alex is being a little bit biased or at least very sweet with Jack in the tasks.

Yes, but I mean, that is also the show.

It was interesting because I think when we all had a chance to go to the experience and appreciate that, and people were like, How similar does it feel?

And it's like, well, it's the tasks are very similar.

It's the fact that, like, you don't have the chance to do your song and dance because it is all about kissing ass and like doing your little, like, hey, I'm going to throw a lot of personality on this, you know, that makes the show the show.

And you don't have the opportunity opportunity to do that and so um i think at least half the show if not more is doing your little spiel and seeing if you can get away with it basically yeah jack's getting away with it very easily i think yeah we love that spiel i mean alex's new focus appears to be bill bailey he's now he's had jack he's just left him in the bus and now every interview is bill bailey please bill bailey oh my god he's just sort of bucket listing with his his creation now just like all the people i want to challenge and then stare at and go wow i really love you.

I can't believe you're doing my twisted, sick little idea.

Although, I will have to say about this particular task is that it had one of my favorite lines of the episode where, you know, Emma was asked what she dreamed of, and she said, mostly admin.

And I just related

so hard related to that.

Yeah, you know, at some point in the middle years of your life, you get to a place where you like go to sleep and you're working at your dreams.

And then you wake up and then you got to go to work at your work.

And then you go to bed and you're like, oh man, I got to tick some more stuff off this list in your dreams.

It's awful and hilarious.

Emma, in this whole studio chat,

the socks stuff, which

women orgasm better if their feet are warm or they're not, if their feet are warm.

This is what she wanted to do by being on the show.

It's just to let everybody in the world know women want more orgasms.

Get a heated blanket.

Like, buy your lady some socks because it will pay dividends.

But what I didn't understand was, and I don't want to try and dive into Emma's personal life too much, is that she had the socks on when she went to sleep.

So, was she hoping for a sleep orgasm?

You, one can,

who doesn't hope that every time they dream, instead of it being admin, it's a sexy one where like some celebrity you didn't realize you actually secretly think is hot swoops in and you're like, whoa, I never thought about it, but like, we have crazy chemistry in my dream.

Yes.

Who doesn't like a sex dream?

As someone who regularly used to orgasm in his sleep from the ages of 12 to 14,

let me tell you, you're not dreaming about admin.

The admin comes the next morning.

Fair enough.

Oh my goodness.

And then you've got to keep a tally.

Oh my goodness.

So socks off.

Socks off for me, please.

But Emma in this whole task, I feel like we saw Emma in her truest form

in this task because

just ignoring everything Alex said, getting on with it, doing it, going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When he's asking the questions, going, yeah, yeah, yeah, just really hurrying it along, but then being so bad at it was so funny.

At some point, the taskmaster's assistant becomes your personal assistant.

When you're doing the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I got it.

I'll call them back.

What's next?

Yep, no, no, no, no, no, let's do it.

What?

Come on.

Yes.

Just, but like, I guess that's that's the panic of being like, look, I'm not going to do well at this.

Let's just get as many op tries in there as quickly as possible.

I mean, do we think she would have done better if she had slowed down?

100%.

I don't know if she would have known any more of that trivia.

No, but I don't think she was even listening.

She was like chucking the dice everywhere.

She was just like answering the first thing that came into her head.

Although the thing about like what's what which

hand, you know, does Alex have the like,

I think that was the correct approach to that particular

just say left or right.

And no, okay,

whatever.

Like, yeah, there's no point in trying.

Just like, let's go for it.

Well, look, Jack and Andy did both very well.

They both made it to the ninth barrel.

Both seemed sort of happy about that, I guess.

Whereas the people who really wanted it and were rushing through it a little bit didn't do great.

Emma got to barrel number three, and Baba and Rosie both got to number five.

So it was sadly one point for Emma, but what a performance in that task.

Baba and Rosie on three points and Jack and Andy on five.

True or false?

The high five was invented in 1977.

False.

True.

True or false.

True or false.

True or false.

The dieting code for Greece is plus that humans glowing lobsters are biologically immortal.

True.

False.

No, it's true.

False.

True or false.

Pineapples take two years to grow.

True.

Correct.

Task three was label a part of your body, make a surprising noise, then do something interesting with your legs.

You have one minute, your time starts now.

And I cannot believe Emma thought that was the whole thing.

Because part two is do those three things again and again in that same order.

Most sequences completed within 10 minutes wins.

Your time starts now.

This is just pure insanity.

Yes.

But Emma, again, I relate to this because she gets a task and she's just trying to get it over with.

She's just like, is that it?

Have I done it?

Is that like, I have an assignment.

Did I, did I finish it?

Is this the homework?

I'm done.

I'm done.

And it's like, do you want to check your answers before you do your final internet?

No, I'm done.

I finished.

I'm done.

So I get why she's like,

yeah.

It was the one minute, wasn't it, that threw her?

You have one minute.

So she thought that meant fill the entire minute.

So she's doing the legs, the Elvis legs for 45 seconds, which means

that she's painful to watch.

So great the first time.

So amazing.

So ideal.

I was like, oh, if we're being judged on style, boom.

Five seconds.

Amazing.

Bang.

But even the second time, my goodness.

The fact that Alex then, he doesn't insist on it, but but she sort of thinks that she has to do it for that long again.

Yeah.

But there's a few people doing different things every time.

So Barbara interprets it differently and labels a different part of his body each time.

So if he can do that, Emma could do something different with her legs each time.

But they're not in the room.

That's the whole thing.

Like he's the man who reaches for the ball.

That sounded wrong.

In the Tombola, he's the guy who's going to do a different, you know, he's just got a different interpretation of everything on this series.

And I appreciated that.

I think he thought he was doing an anatomy test and had to label a different part every single time, which is when he wanted to please an imaginary biology teacher.

It still makes sense within the rules.

He's done well

there.

We should also say that Emma is wearing the hot dog costume, which means she gets double points for this task.

Which means she really thought she was about to knock this out of the park, which is why she did Elvis Legs for so long.

She was like, I need this to be 10 points.

That's a good point.

So she was doing extra.

She was doing more.

She thought that it was double points.

And what's actually happened is she's wearing the hot hot dog outfit when she gets one point, which is devastating.

Which is a heartbreak.

Yep, it is.

She may as well have just done

better at the time.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then you'd have a much higher chance of getting more points.

Anyhow, this was the task where she said she got really worried that people from school were watching.

Yes.

And they would go, oh, you're an Elvis hot dog.

Which is such a perfect encapsulation of how bad school bullies can be.

Yeah.

Like, it's not really offensive.

It's just they all decide something's lame and they just say a thing.

And they just say it.

And like, imagine what these bullies did to her.

That in her head, she is on one of the most notable shows in the United Kingdom doing a pretty cool dance.

And the bullies are still like, oh, you're an Elvis hot dog.

And she's still reduced to the same childlike person she was at that time.

Like, like, that it's not enough.

They're not like, wow, it's so cool you were on Taskmaster.

It was like, whatever, hot dog Elvis.

Still wearing a hot dog.

I think you're wildly overestimating what people who went to posh schools find cool.

Like, I don't think anyone I went to school with is impressed that I'm on TV doing really,

but I mean, all of those people are like, I really love you on Taskmaster.

So, like, surely, if anything, there are a few things.

Like, do you have to do university challenge to impress these people?

I have, I have done university challenge.

And the bully still called you up and still like, hey, hot dog water, you're still dumb.

click to be fair i did not do well on that um do people do well on that because it's i mean obviously they do but it seems really hard whenever i watch it i'm like i this is not how i want to spend my free time this is this is uh extremely uh tense i mean i think i got one question right and i was delighted with that

yeah i was very

you're being interrogated by somebody who sounds like they know more than you could ever possibly fathom

well on the opposite team was amol rajan who now presents university challenge And I think I got more questions right than him.

Oh, wow.

Don't look that up.

Never check these facts, please.

Rosie carried on her tradition in this series of getting herself into deliberately uncomfortable body positions on the floor after she told Jack she could do a handstand in a previous episode and clearly couldn't.

She goes leg on the chair, howling.

Andy labels, I mean, he's wearing a cricket box.

He labels his box as the nexus of truth.

It's just insane, Ness.

Yeah, I was going to say, is there some other significance to?

I don't know anything about cricket.

I don't think that anybody labels their junk the nexus of truth in cricket.

That's just an Andy thing, right?

Very Andy.

Cool, all right.

We had Pidgey or in the previous episode.

Like, he's just, he's drawing from a very specific humor pool, I would say.

But, like, where is that?

Okay, again, it's like asking, why don't giraffes have more bums in them?

Exactly.

There's not going to be an answer to this.

It

It just is.

Yes.

I mean, lovely, but it seems like he was like, I have a list of clever things and I'm now at the bottom of that list.

So next is the truth.

Okay, great.

If anyone ever tries to argue that Jack doesn't care and Jack is not competitive, this is the task to show them because he does way more than anyone else.

He gets through it 40 times.

He picks, look, he picks quick and easy things to do.

Yep.

But he is very competitive.

40 cycles he gets through.

Yeah, I mean, I guess at the point at which you have done the bare minimum, which is what he's renowned for in this series, is just being like, I'm going to do the bare minimum.

And also go like, oh, God, while I'm doing it, like, there's also something probably that speaks to the truth of Jack D's life in that, like, he's like, I'm going to do the bare minimum over and over so well that it now becomes this like glorious spectacle of being able to pull that.

Like, there's something quite meditative about that.

I feel like it takes a man of a certain amount of wisdom and experience to just be like, no, it's just the same boring thing over and over again.

And once you give over to that, you have found the Dow, you know?

Yeah, that's just that he knows what life is.

It's just the same thing.

It's a cycle.

Let's just get on with it.

Oh, they just want to watch me exist?

Perfect.

So, of course, it was five points for Jack, four points for Bubba, three points for Andy, two points for Rosie, and of course, two points for Emma because she had one point and that got doubled to two points because it's a hot dog costume.

Bang!

Bang!

What is it?

Upper nose area?

It's quite a long phrase, isn't it?

I wish I'd chosen a shorter phrase.

But you know, a nickname's a nickname.

Alright.

Woof, meow.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Right, come on, up you get, up you get, I haven't got time.

I'm supposed to be whispering.

Sorry about this.

This is not the way we wanted our careers to go.

Live task.

Say the same word at the same time.

Alex will give you a category.

Taking it in turns, team members must both say one word that fits this category at the same time.

If both team members say the same word at the same time, they win this round.

Also, you must not say a word that has been said before.

Most in sync team wins.

Now, I probably should have mentioned before we talk about this live task, I want to talk about another live task quickly, just because I saw that on YouTube the other day.

When people were doing weird noises in the previous task,

it's the weird noise live task that you did on your series and greg to guess who was doing it.

That

is still, I think, one of my favorite things that's ever been on Taskmaster.

I mean, I feel like it's a classic for various reasons, but also, I mean, I think at that point in the series, we were our most sort of collective self because I think having recorded that series without the audience, we were one of the few series that did not have the audience and they all watched it afterwards in a, you know, because COVID rules, like we really

glommed together as some kind of weird hive mine.

And that was a pure expression of that, punctuated, of course, by Alan Davies making the strangest noise known to man.

And I think

the wow monster.

Yeah, I think it just, it just let everyone see the flip side of Alan Davies.

Do you know what I mean?

Like that's, that is a part of him that no one has ever seen until that moment.

Yes.

Absolutely.

And yeah, there's so much going on in that task.

Greg seemingly guessing everyone right for a bit as well.

He was so good at guessing.

But yeah, the wow monster.

Also, because I know Greg, I know what he finds the most purely funny things and stupid noises is it.

So Alan Davis making that noise and seeing Greg's delight was perfect.

So good.

Pure absolute delight.

Yeah, do you and Greg kick it?

Like, you know what he's into?

We kick it less, but we spent so much, we kicked it for so long on the road for two of his tours that I do, and Writing Man Down that I do.

Yeah, I think I have an insight into what he definitely

amazing and silly.

So, so

you know that when he said the thing about having sex with Alex's body and Rosie Jones' face,

that wasn't a political answer, that was his true heart.

That was 100% the truth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he wants he wants that deep down.

But let's talk about this.

The thing that stood out most for me was Rosie and Jack,

Captain Jack.

Liver.

Both saying liver for a part of the body.

Was incredible.

Okay, that was incredible.

I was definitely like, was that editing?

Because Rosie's got a natural delay, and I think she, but is there anything else that could have been L?

No, no, liver.

That's such a weird thing.

But I wonder whether it was editing that that was maybe 60 guesses deep.

So liver was the only thing left in the body.

Yes, exactly.

That they had, because at the point at which you go from limbs to internal organs, you've gone through a lot of stuff.

Like, let's not pretend you're going to say liver before stomach or heart.

Let's be real.

And she could have been about to be like lungs and then her liver and just like styled it out better than Baba styled out pulls.

The pulls.

He didn't style out at all.

I think it was like the first one they did as well.

It's so clear what he'd done.

So good.

But Baba in this task was amazing because I absolutely love that they're supposed to swap every time or whatever.

But he puts his hand up and says, I've run out of white names.

So

he has to tag Ed Marin.

It's like, you could have done this a long time ago.

He's like, but I really wanted to exhaust all of the white names that I have given for my Starbucks orders throughout my life.

I mean, I still had some white names.

Did anybody say a Steve or a Jeff?

I don't know if we got those.

I don't think.

Yeah, there were still one.

I sense this went on for a lot longer than we saw.

Yes, that was.

Surely Jeff or Steve came up.

But they do finally get there.

But until they have to name someone on the stage, I mean, they really, they really.

Although, I was surprised that the name Andy didn't come up, considering there were three of them working on this series Do you know what I mean?

That's true.

Like it is a pretty common name and that would have been but Alex obviously is the correct answer even though it had been said earlier in the at this point.

It's like let's end this

We all have taxis waiting for us.

Let's go when you can hear the audience who are delighted to be there and have waited months for this and have you know battled the hordes outside to get in when you can hear them being like fuck you know we got to get the tube here come on pretty much when you see them all taking turns to get up and pee, and just like

trying to get the like, you know, audience monitor to let them loose.

Yeah, it's about time to end it.

Andy, Emma, and Babba got the two points, and Rosie and Jack got the three.

Meaning, Andy takes home this episode because of the lovely liver.

Andy takes the episode home with 19 points, relatively low scoring episode.

This one, Rosie with 17, Jack also with 17, Baba with 14, and a low episode for Emma on nine points.

Meaning, it feels like she's heading out of of the running, Emma.

Rosie is still bottom with 110, Emma on 115, Baba on 119.

Then we jump up to Andy on 126 and Jack at 128.

He's been at the top for a while, Jack, but Andy is sneaking up behind him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But still close.

It's still very close.

It's still very close, you know, and I feel like, I feel like I don't think Emma's going to win it, but we haven't seen the last of her.

I feel like she's got like, you know, a couple of golden moments that I'm looking forward to seeing.

Rosie is going to continue to delight and appall us, I would imagine, over the remainder of the series.

I feel like Baba's going to continue probably to go, bang, after doing okay.

Or come on is his other catchphrase.

During the tasks, if he has decided he's doing really well, he'll just say, come on.

I will love until the day I die.

I mean, it's nice to travel with your own hype man, you know, wherever you go, right?

You never learn.

You pick yourself up all day, every day.

That's his catchphrase.

It does feel like an Andy.

Yes.

It does feel like an Andy Jack race, though.

I don't know.

I'm happy to be wrong there, but it really does feel like it's, and I would have to say it's a coin toss for me.

I think it could be Jack just because of the like, gee, Jack D's right here on our Taskmaster stage factor.

If he wins, if he wins because Alex is biased, oh, there's going to be ruptions.

I know, but everybody loves that because then everybody starts talking about that series.

I definitely think Alex has the pun-intended horn for Jack D being on the show, and that might take him really far.

The perfect way to end this episode.

Thank you so much for coming back on the Taskmaster podcast, Desiree.

Oh, it's a delight.

We ask our guests to rate their experience on the podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster.

Please give us a rating, Desiree.

Feel free to do this.

I mean, in the style of the Taskmaster, I would, I don't know.

I think I would just lowball you on pure principle.

But, you know, I can't because I had a delightful time on the podcast.

I was, I only scratched my chin as a performance tactic and not because I ever once went, what the hell are we doing here?

This was fantastic.

Five points because I can't give it seven.

Thank you so much, Desiree, for coming back on.

You're welcome anytime, of course.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Thank you so much to Desiree for coming on the podcast.

We will, of course, be back next week to talk about the penultimate episode of Taskmaster Series 18.

Can't believe we're saying that already.

Time goes so fast in the world of Taskmaster.

But we will have another special guest for that, so make sure you watch channel 4, 9 p.m.

on Thursday to watch Taskmaster go out and then come back here for Taskmaster the podcast or the Taskmaster podcast, whichever way you want to call it.

I messed it up right at the beginning.

It's listed as something different on iTunes and wherever you get your podcasts, but you know, I'm the host.

What I say goes.

Bye-bye.