Ep. 222 – The “R””N” C lol
lol think about it
Listen and follow along
Transcript
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My dick is small.
Yeah, we're just gonna go ahead and get started here.
Let's, I love it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm trying to see return to that era.
Yep.
CKY Chevelle.
Chevelle, brother.
Yeah.
I've been on a little deaf tones.
I've been on a little Chevelle kick.
Suck the dick below.
Because I am gay now.
A lot of people don't know this, but
they got the name Chevelle of the band comes from it's actually a cool car
that they like, that their dad likes.
That's awesome.
They like cool cars, so they name it.
We should make a band called Firebird.
It's so funny because there's probably a lot of people that make shitty music, but they're still
definitely more serious artists than the band Chevelle.
Yeah, for sure.
And then you just have to watch those bands become super popular.
Just a dumbass band that should have ended.
All those guys should have worked at Jiffy Lube or gone to community college afterwards.
Yeah.
But instead, for some reason, a band named after a car took off.
Is that them?
Suck the dick below.
Suck the pain below.
Yeah.
Just because my dick is small.
That song's about being bad at snowboarding.
Nuh.
Yeah.
Wait, you went on genius?
No, I didn't go on genius.
You mean mean rap genius?
No, it's just genius.
It's for all types of songs.
Oh, wow.
A fucking rebrand.
Well, it's for guys like me that are already rap geniuses.
We need to become geniuses.
I should start a
site called Pussy Genius.
Yeah.
It's just a picture of a pussy.
It would be like, you know, that's where you put your cock.
This is the meaning behind this pussy.
Yep.
The true meaning.
And here is the general area where the clit is, which I'm I know most of for the most, but sometimes I get mixed up.
Damn, this guy's a real genius.
The piss holes around there somewhere.
Some pussies look different.
I still don't get the piss hole.
I still don't get where that is.
It's either right below or right above the pussy.
I don't think I've ever
seen the piss hole.
That's the real thing.
I've asked every single girlfriend I've ever had where the piss hole is, and they're like, it's there.
It's all zero.
Right.
And all come on,
zero.
Come on, everyone.
And all of them are like, what do you mean?
I'm a guy and my penis is right here.
It's right there at the front of my penis.
You keep asking me where the pistol is, but it's where the cum that you eat also comes out of your lunch.
It's where your lunch comes out of.
Come on, bro.
Yeah, you keep calling it the lunch hole.
No, come on, brother.
Come on, bro.
But it's actually the fucking girl.
You say a lot of jacked-up stuff about me on here, but do not say I have had zero girlfriends that have penises.
Oh, fuck.
Just cause my dick is small.
And there's stain, there's a puddle of mud.
Suck my dick real slow.
We were remembering that.
And please drain my penis.
Feels like sucking penis.
Send the pain below.
Feels like sucking penis inside of my asshole.
That's where the pain can be below.
This is all new metal, right?
Is that the general?
It's not new metal.
I wouldn't say they're new metal.
New metal's corn.
It's be quiet, is what it is.
No, that's yes.
That's not the type of music that it is.
Yes.
Got his ass.
I got him.
You should have seen it.
He was trying to talk, and I told him to shut up.
Don't waste your time on me.
I'm already
coronavirus lockdowns.
Michael Douglas announces announces his new podcast.
Shut up.
For real?
Yes.
Friend of the show.
I have my own podcast now with my co-host Adam,
who is a gay man.
Stop it.
Would you just stop it?
Would you just fucking stop it?
Chill out.
So, Michael, what do you think of that RNC that?
I think you should stop that.
Okay.
I think you should watch your fucking mouth.
What do I have to do?
Do I have to wash your fucking mouth out with cum?
Not again, Michael.
Like your boyfriends.
What exactly do I have to do?
Michael, you are my boyfriend.
Do I have to wash your mouth out with shit?
Do I have to make love to your mouth with my asshole?
My ass.
My ass.
Can I put my ass up to your mouth?
Yes.
It's sexy.
It feels so sexy.
Yes, sir.
I put my ass.
My ass up to your lips.
It's sexy.
It's sexy.
Oh, God, it's so funny.
Is that the way it feels?
It feels sexy to have my ass on your lips.
Is he really starting a podcast?
No.
Oh, that would be no.
This is a movie where he's in a law firm and
he keeps making 900-number phone calls.
Yes.
And he gets addicted to them.
Right.
And it's fucking up his ability to be a lawyer.
Because he's jacking off to white shoe, high-power Manhattan lawyer.
It's on party lines.
I got a call with my client in three minutes.
But I got to do something first.
Put my ass in the bus.
So sexy.
He's sexy.
What a hit in your mouth.
Michael, some of the partners are kind of worried about how much time you've been spending on the phone lately.
Listen, they pulled the logs and they saw who you were calling.
Now, it's not a big deal, but maybe you want to save that for after hours.
Why don't you mind your own goddamn business, Scott?
Why don't you mind your fucking business?
Fuck you, Scott.
Fuck you.
I'm the best goddamn business.
Don't forget who's won the most cases.
Who wins the bread.
Who's the breadwinner here?
And suck the dick below,
just like sucking penis.
A lot of celebrities
do be having podcasts, though.
Yeah, they think that.
Rob Lowe has one, I think.
Good afternoon.
You're listening to Michael Douglas and Ashton Kutcher.
And this
is fucking older women.
Dude, Ashton
is the older pussy podcast.
Ashton did the right thing.
He played Demi Moore's Pussy like it was stocks.
He fucking got it at its all-time high.
Ashton, let me ask you this.
Got out before the crash, and now he's fucking
your butt cheeks up to Demi Moore's pussy.
How did it feel?
How did it feel?
It feels good.
It feels good to feel that.
And Ashton is just not even there.
Yeah.
I'm doing a text-to-speech email.
Demi's bush.
A big thick bush all over your ass.
Now he's shitting in her pussy.
Putting his ass up to a bush.
Just
say to me, I'm going to be wiped.
I'm a baby.
I'm going to be wipe me.
Wipe me with your bush, Demi.
Ashton Goodrich's like, Yeah, I think I got an email from Michael Douglas.
This is weird, though.
Yeah.
We're sending emails on air.
You're listening to the Michael Douglas punked podcast.
And who better to punk for the first episode than Ashton Picture?
Dear Ashton.
I
raped Demi.
That's a good punk.
That's a good punk saying you raped someone's ex-wife.
Send the email.
I raped it.
Sirius, send it.
Siri, send the email.
Okay.
Here's what do you want me to say?
Dear Ashton, I raped me.
Ready to send?
Your email says, Dear Ashton, I raped your wife.
Ready to send?
Yes, send it.
Fax that over to me.
Fax it from my office.
Send it with high urgency to my office.
It's kind of It's got a little explomation point in red next to it.
An outlook.
This is crazy.
I got a
from the desk of Michael Douglas.
My wife?
Oh, what?
I got an email.
I don't know what Ashton Kutcher is saying.
That's good.
Yeah, he sounds like putty.
Yeah, it's
Ashton Kutch.
Yeah, I
changed my voice.
He fancies himself a businessman now.
Ashton?
Yeah, he goes on Shark Tank.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah, he thinks he's good at investments.
Does he have much money?
I mean, does he have money?
I think he maybe made money from investments.
An old pussy.
So that Hassan Minaj show ended, and now all of the women that worked on the show are being like, I was raped and traumatized by the show.
Nuh.
Yeah.
For real?
And then none of they're like here.
A lot of people have asked me to talk about Patriot Act.
I avoid it because each time I relive the experience of being humiliated and gaslit, targeted and ignored, I sink back into days of depression.
Tweeting this will probably not help me or anyone else.
So let's see what the accusation is.
Women braver than me have already spoken up.
The show was a necessary and important one.
And I'm proud of it.
Has anyone seen that show?
No.
Has anyone seen that show ever?
What was it on?
Netflix.
Netflix.
It was like a daily show?
It was projected under my ass.
As the first billion dollars I made in film, I spent on the world's tiniest projector.
So I could have Citizen Kane projected directly under my asshole.
Every minute of every day.
And
this is what makes me so sad.
And then you went into
the weekly political satire satire of Michael afterwards?
Yes.
Then you purchased the Patriot Act and played it on your asshole.
And then people got bored of SSK.
So we've watched
Hassan Minaj.
People were like, this is great.
I love watching stuff off your ass, Michael.
Could it involve Hassan Minaj?
To get very close to seeing the screen because Hassan is the same color as my shit.
Oh, Michael, that's a that's come on, Michael.
Racist, it's a fact.
Michael, chill out, man.
That's how an ass works.
But you poop races?
I don't.
Yeah.
You have a dial and you set it to different colors.
Dear Siri, send an email to Hassan.
New email to
Hassan, this is Michael Douglas.
I I was watching a show on my ass over there.
As you know, I have the world's tiniest picture.
Everyone knows that.
Everybody knows.
And we did a bit where you come out of the curtain, which is my hemorrhoid
that I got from having my ass licked
by Catherine after she spent the afternoon trying out new salsas.
Even Michael Douglas thinks she's Hispanic.
People tell me she's Welsh, but I'm
not going to retina flavor by eating hot sauce all the wife.
And sometimes.
Sometimes a hot sauce is still on her tongue and she eats them.
Wow.
That's extreme.
So red.
Like current.
I can't wait for people to be like, well, they said ridiculous stuff about Patriot Act.
And then right in the middle of it, it's Catherine Jaden Jones eating salsa out of his ass.
I had a bunch of friends over to watch Citizen King.
Halfway through, I took a shit, and everyone said, What is this?
Patriot Act with Hassan Minash.
Is that what we're watching?
Is that what we're talking about?
Oh, because the show is shitty.
No, because
I was trying to give you a curtain.
And he's coming out of the curtain.
Jesus.
And the curtain is your hemorrhoids.
Uh-huh.
Seriously.
Just like Mother Kisswal.
Send a new email to Ashton.
Dear Ashton, I'm sorry about raping your wife.
Would you like to come over and watch Citizen King?
As you know, I've got the world's tiniest projector.
I've spent a billion dollars on it.
So, wait, I'm so confused.
Michael, you actually did rape his wife?
Yes.
I thought you were punking him, but not a punk was that she was rape.
The punk was the rape, not the email.
To really hurt his feelings.
I don't understand how pranks work.
Honestly, Michael, I think you should be arrested and taken to the police.
Michael, that's yeah, that's pretty messed up.
Anyways, so back to this woman's accusation.
Yeah.
But I wonder if it was worth the mental anguish
I went through over my last few months there.
I wish we still had Patriot Act.
I wish they truly practiced the progressive ethos they cultivated on screen.
They would really deserve all your love.
What were they up to over there?
Nope.
Not going to tell you what happened.
She got gaslit, though.
I've been thinking all day about how Prochigoo and Amali Kin's tweets on their former workplaces and how much courage it must have taken to speak what.
Do the lights look weird on there?
What do you mean, do the lights look weird?
They're like stuck at the top.
That's just no.
Okay, all right, never mind.
That just means that the
they're maxed at a certain level?
No, it's the it remembers the settings from the last time
you did it.
So, unless you like clear the board by moving them up and then back down, it just means they're it's set where it's just resets.
It would be a problem if that orange one was all the way down on it.
Yeah, yeah.
But what you hear is what's being recorded.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
I hear it.
Just like mighty kids, home.
Just like sucking penis.
So that's the accusation?
And then what did people say in response to it?
Yeah.
I think there will be a time soon when the people behind the show dive into some of the problems behind the scene.
Here's the first complaint listed.
A mostly white writer's room, for example.
So that's a form of abuse now.
Is it if white people are in the writer's room?
Strike one.
Yeah, strike one.
Hilariously, tone deaf to publicly mourn the possible future while not publicly supporting your marginalized, abused colleagues.
How about just don't ever hire Indian women again?
I mean,
this happened on the Rami show, too.
No, really?
Yeah, the Rami show was like they turned over the writer's room for the second or third season, and then it was like an Indian woman that was like, I have been raped by not being
Yeah.
I like it.
I haven't watched a single episode.
Nice guy.
But yeah, they tried to come for him.
They were like, you know, he fucking,
they turned over the entire room.
Right.
It wasn't like they just didn't hire women back.
Right, right, right.
He was like framed in some kind of bullshit way on social media.
Yeah, well, Rami's got himself a golden globe, so they can suck his golden nuts.
Well, I've got a golden, I have a different kind of golden globe.
What kind is it, Michael?
I don't want to tell.
Do you put it in your ass?
Yes.
I was hoping people wouldn't figure it out.
It has the planet on it?
Is it like the award, or is it just a big golden?
I have a set of anal beads that are each of the individual planets in order from the sun to Pluto.
Well, you start at
the size.
Yeah, you start at the sun.
The sun, the biggest one.
The biggest one, you put that one in your ass first.
The sun goes in your ass first.
And then you that's so much bigger than the other ones.
And I was arrested at the Ben Franklin Institute in Philadelphia for trying to show it to children in the gift shop.
Was it because there was still shit on it?
And that caused problems at my job at the law firm,
which is
the plot of my new film, Philadelphia 2.
Even gay.
It's true.
More AIDS.
That was my issue the first time I saw that movie.
Yeah.
It wasn't gay.
The opening scene of,
yeah, it's Philadelphia directed by Sidney Lumad.
The opening scene is Tom Hanks is sweating in a jail cell.
Right.
And
Denzel is his public defender that shows up.
And he's like, so what's going on?
I read in the police report you were putting the entire solar system in your ass at the Ben Franklin Institute.
Yeah.
So this is Tom Tom Hanks after the events of the first.
No, this is just a redoing of Philadelphia.
A reimagining where it's gayer.
Yeah, where it's Philadelphia directed by Sidney Lumet, where Tom Hanks is sweating in a jail cell.
The late Sidney Lumet.
And he's, you know, Denzel's assigned this case, and he's like, you're looking at first-degree sexual misconduct.
You know,
there's not really any, you know, he doesn't want the case.
He's homophobic.
Of course.
He doesn't want to deal with this guy.
And then Tom Hanks is like,
Denzel, listen.
I'm gay.
I'm a fag, if you will.
How does he talk?
That's kind of there.
So, Michael Douglas is not in it, though.
I put things in my ass.
It's what I do.
OECK.
It's from the twisted mind of Michael Douglas.
Right.
He reimagined.
I'm writing a movie for my good friend Sidney Blue Man, Tim well.
You have to say, excuse me, I'm not very good at impressions.
That was Michael talking.
And so Denzo shows up and he's like, man,
how are you going to be putting shit in your ass, man?
That really doesn't sound like Denzel.
From my memory.
From memory, that's good.
I've met him dozens of times.
And so then
Tom Hanks says,
what's up, pork chop?
One of his classic lies.
One of his famous gay lies.
Philadelphia.
Wow.
That's awesome, Mike.
And is there like cock sucking on screen?
What makes it gayer this time?
This time he's taking Blue Chew.
Oh,
okay.
Now that's the thing I can get behind.
The gayest dick pill there is.
We haven't mentioned yet on this show that we use it for gay.
The Bluetooth.
For having gay sex.
For gay sex.
And it works for both heterosexual and gay sex.
It's true.
I wouldn't know about the heterosexual sex aspect of it, but it very much would.
Well, I would.
I've never, I've only used it to have sex with girls.
I get it before I get my prostate milked.
That's awesome.
I'd chew it up.
You chew it and do it.
And then I milk it up.
Yeah, Blue Chew's a beautiful product, folks.
Whether you're gay like Adam or straight like me,
it's actually just you.
It makes your dick so hard.
And it's nice because it's the same active ingredients as Viagra and Sialis, Tadalophil, and sedadolilophil.
Yeah, but you don't need an in-person doctor's visit.
None of that bullshit.
Which makes it actually more affordable.
If you like sex, see your lawblutcher.com.
That's right.
Listen to this, Mexican.
I'm done.
Okay.
Back to you.
Thanks.
Yeah, I hate the awkward in-person doctor's visit.
You pull your dick out.
Your doctor has to taste if your dick is soft or not.
And then your doctor looks at you and he says, that's awkward.
Well, that's awkward.
Well, that's awkward.
Awkward turtle.
A performance enhancement for the bedroom.
Imagine putting a spoiler on your asshole so you can fuck faster.
Imagine having a spoiler.
They're adding me into the.
I've requested to be put into the Fast and the Furious.
But it's just Michael Douglas running with his spoiler sticking out of his head.
And we're renaming it Fast and Loose.
Ooh, I like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Fast and Loose.
Fast nine, Fast and Loose.
Not just Fast, we're loose.
Michael is furious.
Michael Douglas, fully nude, with a pair of new balance running sneakers, and there's a spoiler coming out.
And he's running really fast.
It says Blue Chew.com.
Spoiler.
Oh, yeah, man.
He's oiled up.
The official NASCAR Blue Chew car.
Bust as quickly as possible.
A lot of people ask me, Michael, how is it possible that you had sex with 10,000 women?
It's because I am not in one pump immediately.
Because there's a spoiler coming out of my ass.
It's sponsored by Blue Chew right now.
That's kind of like their Red Bull.
Yeah.
Their Red Bull challenge.
What the fuck is that Red Bull thing where they're like, make a plane?
Oh, yeah.
Try making a plane.
Yeah, yeah, and jump into a lane.
We're going to do a contest.
Why don't you try making a plane?
Okay, everybody loses again this year.
No one can do it.
Great job making us look like fucking idiots.
Just take a hang glider.
Red Bull is kind of the opposite of Blue Chew.
Right.
It makes your dick soft.
It's red instead of blue, and instead of chew, it's bull.
Right, that's true.
Well, chew sounds like cow.
Chew.
Yeah, because cows chew.
Cows chew.
Yeah, they chew.
Chew, chud.
Chew chud.
Both of them have a U in it.
There's two L's at the end of bull.
What does that stand for?
Lower level?
And then chew,
often a terrace.
What do you do on a terrace?
You chew bubblegum.
Top floor.
Penthouse.
Penthouse suite, baby.
Up there, yeah.
The big building.
It could be in the basement with the Red Bull or on the top of the
Empire State Building with a hard-assisted bus.
Good times.
Good times.
Good times.
JJ Walker.
JJ is sort of the opposite of LL at the end of Bull.
True.
So J.J.
Walker is in Good Times and they're moving on up, which is a theme song from a different show.
This is a different black show.
This is the Jefferson.
This is a different black show.
And
there's two L's in fucking
Bull.
So in a way, yeah, Chew and Bull are opposite words.
Opposites.
Absolutely.
Damn, you just blew my damn mind.
Yeah.
I love not taking my pills except for Blue Chew.
It's the only pill you need.
It's the only pill you need.
And that's why we're not alarmed because the important thing is Nick takes a pill.
I take a pill.
As the doctor said, make sure you take
a pill.
I never said what pill.
That's right.
Actually, that's not true.
Whoa, Michael Douglas is your doctor?
He's a doctor.
My name is Dr.
Michael Douglas.
So that's the Dr.
Mario situation.
Where
I'm not Michael Douglas.
I'm a separate character.
I'm a different guy with one of those little things on his head.
Yes.
Just like how doctor.
What are those things?
Those metals?
I don't know.
I've never seen a doctor wear one of those things.
I think that's in the old days.
Yeah, it's reflective back when you used to have to operate by candlelight.
Oh,
it's like an old headlamp kind of thing.
Yeah.
Dude, that's when surgery was romantic.
Yeah.
Fucking slice open a guy's fucking nuts.
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Nationwide Warehouse.
If you want a little hack, order the biggest
amount of pills free, and then cancel.
Nationwide Warehouse.
Nationwide Warehouse.
Suck on my penis.
Oil paintings.
This scene from Terminator 2.
Yep.
I was wondered how they didn't get fucked for copyright infringement.
What do you mean?
Well, in Nationwide Warehouse, the commercial, part of it is just a scene from Terminator 2.
I don't even remember that.
I don't remember it at all.
Which scene?
The one where Arnold's dick is.
Where he's something exploding and he's riding the
motorcycle.
I didn't see Terminator until I was 22 years old.
So I didn't.
I probably knew that.
I don't know why that's so fun.
No, it's true.
It's a pretty grown-up movie.
I'm glad you waited.
I probably had seen that Nationwide Warehouse commercial, did not know the homage.
Yeah, it's not an homage.
It's just a scene from the movie.
You mean it's literally the movie?
Like, Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it?
I'm trying to Google it, but I got, I had to turn off right after I saw that he got these deals will blow you away.
Oh, yeah, where he's on the motorcycle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a famous part.
Nationwide bushy warehouse.
Now, let me ask you this about Blue Chew.
I know the read is over.
Do those pills ever go bad?
No.
I mean, probably.
Pills have an expiration date.
Yeah, they say they expire, but I don't believe it.
They work less well, maybe, but they still.
So I should take more.
Damn.
I'm thinking about replaying.
Expired?
Yeah.
Because I got a bunch when the fucking pandemic.
Do you have PlayStation 4?
Do they expire in three months?
I don't know, man.
You should play Doom Eternal.
Oh, I have PlayStation 4, yeah.
Yeah.
You just said, I don't know.
Do you have PlayStation 4?
To knit to Adam.
Oh, I don't think they expire.
Do you have PlayStation 4?
I don't don't fucking know.
I don't know, man.
Get off my back.
I don't think Blue.
I was laughing about it.
I was at Costco the other day.
I was laughing about just accusing a Chinese lady of copying me with the shit I'm buying.
You're fucking copying.
Stop buying.
Stop copying me.
Stop buying four dozen eggs and the 10 pounds of rice.
Don't
fucking copy me.
That's what they're fucking doing, dude.
The Chinese.
Did you see that pool party rave they had in Wuhan?
Yeah, they're rubbing it in.
They're rubbing it in.
That's our favorite kind of shit to do.
We love pool party raves.
I know.
We're all stuck inside where Chinese are all grinding on each other.
I know.
That's copying.
I didn't even know Chinese got pussy like that.
I didn't even know.
Yeah, I didn't know they liked eating.
Yeah, they kept a big pussy getting bananas over there.
Little boy got fucked in his ass.
Did you see that video, Nick, with the Wuhanese?
Yeah, I didn't care about it.
What video?
The one you're talking about.
There's riots again, right?
The police in Wisconsin shot.
They shot a guy in the back seven times.
Yeah, it's great.
It's weird.
I watched that video, and as they murder the guy, he's alive, he's paralyzed.
In my head, I just go,
Hello, Wisconsin.
Yeah.
I don't know why.
Because I read Wisconsin.
Because you remember that 70s show when you see that hanging out.
That man gets shot in front of his show.
I wonder what Red would think about the whole situation.
I think he would say something like this:
You know, Eric,
back to Africa.
Kelso's like, somebody raped my wife.
I got a fax machine from the future.
I just got raped by the wife.
Somebody got the TV showed me a letter and it said somebody raped my wife.
I don't think that's broke out.
Oh, Fez.
I've been raped so many times.
They keep raping me.
That is true.
Doesn't he get raped in the show?
Yeah.
When you get your little spic out of the bag?
What's that?
I think Fez gets raped in the show.
Does he?
Like, he talks all a big game about wanting to fuck him and the late girl he's with fucks him, I guess, as well.
Can you get your Chinese friend out of my basement, please?
Oh, yeah.
Dreamcasting.
Michael Douglas' red.
Yeah, that'd be great.
What are you guys doing down here?
Smoking pot?
You'll try cocaine.
Don't come upstairs.
You two come with me.
Just takes Jackie and fucking Donna with him.
Me and the bald neighbor and his big-titted wife are doing cocaine.
He's just cocking what they came.
Nobody come upstairs, me and the bald neighbor's big-titted wife are doing cocaine.
We're making love.
That's such a better show, man.
What an awesome show.
Hanging out
on my dick.
Suck on my penis.
Stop resisting.
Stop resisting.
Dude, cops will literally.
Darren Wilson.
Who are the other guys?
Darren Wilson.
Leo fucking, what's his name?
The guy that killed Eric Garner.
George Zimmerman.
Stop resisting.
Dude, you know, cops would literally make a video game like that.
They would love it.
Well, if you put that song together, cops would listen to it.
Absolutely.
Darren Wilson.
Get hyped up to beat their wives.
Christopher Dorner.
Make lips.
Nah, keep Dorner out of there.
They would be mad with Dorner.
Yeah.
Keep the Dorn man.
May he rest in peace out of that.
Star sock my penis.
Who are the cops who killed Breonna Taylor?
They were like, I forget.
One of them has such a funny-looking face.
Yeah, he's like on vacation.
Well, another guy who's like.
Oh, yeah.
He's got a pretty suggestive gay smile.
Yeah, right.
Like he's trying to get you to have gay sex with him at a bathroom.
Wait, he looks like he's like shitting himself.
Like he's like trying to not shit himself, but he does.
And he's trying to be coy at the same time.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Look at these fucking people.
Kill those cockshawkers.
Let's rape those guys.
Sonia, big titty, vagina, wet pussy.
Now that's a great thing.
Yeah, Shang Sung, can you please just read the names?
No.
I'm sorry.
I'm horny.
I have become distracted
by Sonia's pussy lips.
I want to fuck it.
Sonia,
I've never had sex.
Please.
Please have sex with me.
Please, Sonia.
Never get me pussy combat.
Tony Cage.
I'd like some pussy.
Give me pussy.
It's so funny just how, like, that movie makes zero sense.
No sense whatsoever.
Because it's just like, I mean, imagine how sweet of a job it was to adapt video games in the early 90s.
Like, imagine pumping out the script for that piece of shit Super Mario Bros.
movie.
Yeah.
Where they're like, yeah, I mean, the game doesn't make any sense.
So we don't really worry about it.
Like, all right, Dennis Opera's Bowser.
Everyone's wearing patent leather for some reason.
And there's another dinosaur world where everybody's evolved from blizzards.
John Liguazamo.
that's good casting honestly not bad dude Liguazamo's Luigi's not bad I love John Leguizamo me too but I do
okay we're not talking about you I'm just saying when I was a kid I loved him but we're not talking about you right now I just
but what I do okay all right
I'm just saying it's not your turn I just I like the pest we're talking about what Nick likes okay well you liked him.
I don't like him that much.
No, I'm saying Nick liked him too.
So you also liked him.
We've got it's Jack Nicholson and John Leguizamo as the Mario brothers.
It's the Super Mario movie starring Jack Nicholson and Michael Douglas.
There we go.
Luigi.
Does this do these overalls make my penis look fat?
The fuck are you talking about?
Stop asking me queer shit, man.
Listen, Mario, why don't you shut the fuck up for a second?
You got to get these mushrooms or something.
We got to fuck the mushrooms.
I don't know what.
I don't know what they want to fuck Peach.
I have no idea what Jack Nicholson would be saying in that movie.
I think he'd be saying, I want to get pussy from Peach.
Yeah.
But he wouldn't say it outright.
He's too slick.
He'd say he wants beavers.
He's too slick to do a good impression.
Yeah, he'd say I'd say he wants a beaver.
I fucked you 10 minutes ago.
He'd confuse her into fucking him.
Put my dick in your pussy, chief.
Just put my dick in your pussy, chief.
Bob Hoskins is a good Mario, too.
They just fucked the movie up.
I literally don't even remember the movie at all.
I remember being so pissed.
Besides the casting.
Dercy Mona Lisa stuff.
No.
If you watch Long Good Friday, you should watch that also.
That should be next on your list for sure.
You know what?
I'm going to go watch Long Good Friday today.
80s crime, British crime.
Who's in Mona Lisa?
Bob Hoskins.
Hell yeah.
That's my guy.
Shout out, Big Bob.
And some cute movies.
I was so, I was so, I did not believe it when my mom told me he was Shme from Hook.
I was like, no, he's not.
He's from Roger Rabbit, you fucking bitch.
Yeah.
She's like, yeah, he's in both movies.
She's like, no.
I'm like, no, shut up.
Stop it.
Oh, she's in both.
I literally wouldn't believe her.
Why are you calling him?
That's how stupid I was as a kid.
He wore a bandana.
I was like, no, that's not him.
That's crazy.
I remember when I saw Saving Silverman for the first time, I also knew who Tenacious D were.
I did not realize Jack Black was the same guy.
That's pretty.
I just kind of knew Tenacious D as an entity.
I didn't know the guys.
Because Tenacious D sucks.
No, I liked it at the time.
I liked it.
No, I never liked that shit.
No, dude.
That Adam Sandler.
Jr.
Bacon Chick.
Whoa.
Adam Sandler?
Yeah, I did.
The C D's?
Fuck off.
Come on, dude.
Come on.
Those were great.
Play some of Adam Sandler's C D's, and you will see where some of our shit comes from.
Well, not me, because I've never listened to those C D's.
She can stuff three cocks in it.
I never liked.
I never liked.
I wasn't a huge Adam Sandler.
At a medium pace,
put a shampoo bottle up my ass.
Dude, you got to listen to that at a medium pace.
You'll love it.
Yeah, the CDs are Simpsons, classics, Mad TV, the movie Clifford.
Billy Madison is a fucking.
I'm gonna go through my biggest.
You didn't like Billy Madison?
I didn't see Billy Madison until I was like almost in high school, and everyone would just talk about Billy Madison all the time.
I'm like, oh, so it's another movie where he's a retarded guy that screams.
Yeah, but it's the first one, man.
It's the, yeah, it's the genesis of it's where it all comes from.
You just pick what you're good at.
I'm just saying what my personal preferences are.
Chris Farley, great.
Yeah.
Jim Carrey, great.
She likes to check.
Adam Sandler always gave Chris a role in every movie.
They were boys.
Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, amazing.
Great movie.
Fucking amazing.
I saw those movies a thousand times during the day on Comedy Show.
That makes a lot of sense.
Beverly Hills.
Beverly Hills ninja.
It's a little annoying gay guy and a lovable fat man.
Yeah, that's like
the show.
Yeah, I'm the lovable fat guy.
Haru is such a fucking funny character.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's also in Dirty Work, the Saigon Whore that bit my nose off.
Yeah.
They all loved him.
The funniest guy of all time.
She can stuff three cocks in a cheek.
Fuck, what song is that from?
Dude, at a medium pace is maybe the funniest.
Was one of the Stan and Judy
was the other one.
You guys can talk about Adam Sandler for a second.
I'm going to go piss.
Okay.
Let me see if I can just pull up his song.
Billy Madison is one of the few movies from childhood that's still funny.
It's awesome.
That still holds up.
And happy.
There were so many pieces of shit that I liked when I was a kid that you watch again, you're like, that sucks.
Totally.
Including Gladiator.
No!
Gladiator's.
Fuck off.
I just did.
It was awesome.
No, it's not.
It's really good.
Your dick is so small for this one.
It's gay.
Why do you, both you and Nick have to hurt me today?
It's gay.
You are, actually.
There's so much.
There's, it's, it's just, I don't know.
Billy Madison just is, it's perfect, dude.
We're just gonna play at a medium pace.
He's gonna make us pay, dude.
Who is that?
Sam Lu?
He can't have enough money.
No, but it's, it's, we're doing um commentary.
Yeah, this is a commentary track.
I need you so.
So
him and I are known for having similar singing voices.
No,
a lot of people say that.
No.
A lot of people say that.
Similar guitar playing styles and tones.
So good.
Play with my boss and tell me how big they are.
It's good.
It's still funny.
Yep.
And so we're doing commentary on that.
So we think he meant by that.
I think it's
an analogy.
It's an analogy for
the cultural malaise of the 90s.
Exactly.
The beaver that he wants rubbed on his face
is opera.
And art, fine art.
Well, don't forget his classic character, Opera Man.
Opera Man, it all comes back.
It all comes back.
Opera Man, promise, no more masturbator.
Dude, I love him so much.
And you know what I actually love more than even the art that he made that I love is how he's figured out life.
He just makes a bunch of shitty movies, but he hangs out with his boys and he gets paid millions.
He got like a
10-movie Netflix deal.
And he seems to love his wife.
He's a hundred millionaire.
It seems like he has a great family.
He likes playing basketball.
He's fucking hooping.
He's throwing dimes.
He likes wearing really.
And every once in a while, when he wants to show people that his dick is big, he's like, yeah, I'll do a great acting job.
I'll be so good at acting, people are like, wow, he's as good as anyone at acting.
Yeah, but I mean, Punch Drunk Love's great.
And then he is very good in uncut gems.
Yeah.
Like, I just love him.
Yeah, the comedy never really did it for me.
And I don't, like, none of that is, I think he's a bad guy.
That's what he doesn't.
No.
And it made me sad.
I like all of the Sandler verse films.
They all
mapped them out, actually, as being part of fitting in with one another.
Yeah, I saw all of them.
You did?
Yeah.
I mean, I saw Billy Madison late, but I saw Big Daddy.
I saw fucking Little Nikki.
I saw
Lil Nikki is fucking
so bad.
No, it's bad, but it's funny.
I still like him.
Saw that one.
I did like.
Happy Gilmore, and but that's what I'm saying.
Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, they're just unfun with a boy.
Well, those are the first two, dude.
Exactly.
And Wedding Singer, too.
The first three.
Wedding Singer's good.
The first three were
he just hit three homer.
Big Daddy's good, too.
I just remember being pissed because it was a good movie.
It was like a heartwarming movie.
Mr.
Biggs, I saw that one.
That one sucks.
Mr.
Deeds.
Mr.
Deeds.
Yeah, it's funny.
What's his name?
Taturo kept trying to smell his feet.
That's funny.
There's a couple good ones, even there's a couple good bits, even in the shitty movie.
Even in the bad ones, they're still little gems.
But I agree.
No, I just mean I'll just like those CDs literally.
But you compare it to some of the greatest comedies of all time, like The Other Guys.
I'm saying that sort of as a joke, but also
those are great movies.
Those are so funny.
I love those movies.
Yeah, we used to dance like that in the old neighborhood, show guys how gay they were.
That's one of the funniest.
That's a great movie.
That's very good.
I remember liking it when it first came out, but not fully appreciating it.
I like Wahlberg as a comedian.
I think he's very funny.
When he doesn't take himself seriously, he's great.
Even when he does take himself seriously, it's very funny.
That's when he's funny.
Yeah, he's funny, but he's not.
Four Brothers is such a funny movie.
I haven't seen it, actually.
That's the one with Andre 3000, right?
Yeah, there's like their four adopted
brothers.
Two white, two black.
That's cool.
And then they meet for their mom's funeral, their adopted mom's funeral.
And I guess, I don't know if she was killed by gang violence
or what the story is.
I know she was a good person or something.
They're like, we're going to have to solve this murder and figure out who killed
Ma.
Yeah.
They're in Detroit and he still has a bottom.
Smoke your CBD.
Nice.
Oh, my God.
Nice.
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Is that it?
Or chill or something?
And Dream.
Dream is, I can't get enough of that.
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I smoke the dream, and every time I fall asleep, I get pussy in the dream.
Otherwise I don't get pussy.
I can't do it.
It's guaranteed getting pussy in the dream.
That's such an awesome product.
If you smoke this TV product, where you will get pussy in the dream, we guarantee you.
Isn't that right, Nick?
Yeah, it's kind of like...
It's like a future, like a dystopian future.
That would be a good like Wachowski style mood.
You have to take drugs to get
like
mind pussy.
Yeah,
dream pussy.
Do robots dream of electric pussy?
Exactly.
It's a Philip K duck.
Suck.
Blaze runner.
Yeah.
And you have to smoke a type of smoke CBD.
Yeah.
Which, and listen, what's beautiful about cushy dreams.
I had to check them out later that night to find out if they had smoked weed to get pussy in their dreams.
You've been getting pussy in your dreams.
You're in the desert.
You come across some pussy.
I fuck it.
I fuck it.
I get it.
You're rowing a boat down a fucking stream or something.
That's a girl.
The guy in a top hat,
but he's got a huge pair of tits.
I get some pussy.
This is a good idea for a movie.
So
you smoke the weed where you're guaranteed pussy in your dream, right?
And while you're getting pussy in your dream, you witness a murder, right?
And then you have to go back into the dream to solve it.
It's kind of but you're getting pussy the whole time, but you're getting you're trying to pick up clues, you're trying to stop getting pussy.
And that can only happen if you're smoking cushion cushions.
Yeah, it's true.
CBD, it looks like high-quality marijuana, it feels like high-quality marijuana, and tastes like high-quality marijuana.
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Oh, yeah.
Alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things.
And that's me.
I've been getting so high on regular weed that it fucks my life up.
But with beautiful fucking cushy dreams high quality CBD, I smoke one of their gorgeous pre-rolls.
You know, in HLA, we call it Chi B D.
Chibid.
CBD.
Yeah.
Yeah.
C.
C.
Chi.
We do not have a C
sound.
Because you make that noise and it sounds like peace.
It sounds like a peace coming out of your mouth.
Italians always need a peace.
And we cannot make a peace sound.
You're doing it right now
actually I was saying fuck
I was jang fuck I was jang fuck I was changing fuck and not bitch
it mixes well with other things you can smoke
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I want to put that hand trim.
Shit is gorgeous.
I like this shit, man.
I love it.
I wake up.
I'm stressed the fuck out.
I take my cold shower.
I'm like, nope, that didn't do it.
You know, I work out.
I'm like, still pissed.
Right.
And then it's like, I look outside.
It's a beautiful day.
I'm like, well, I'm sure it'll continue to be beautiful days until I fucking die.
And everyone else does also.
Yeah.
Everyone I love at least.
And the whole world is just going to shit.
Yep.
And then I smoke my CBD and I go, time to go back back to sleep.
And that's what you can only ask for.
Yeah.
And then I'm in my dream getting robot pussy.
Fucking robot pussy.
There's nothing like Finbox sucking on your nuts, jacking you off.
I'm fucking replicants.
Blaze Runner.
Replicants had pussies in the movie, right?
Yeah, yeah.
There was sex, sex blockants.
That's awesome.
But they were trying to kill them?
Yeah.
Yeah, they asked me.
Hey, Chinese guy, what can you tell me about this hair?
Because there was a
it comes from a pussy.
It's a pussy hair.
Very expensive.
Very expensive.
You're saying this hair came off a vagina?
Damn.
And the good news is you get pussy in your dreams no matter what
with cushy dreams.
Cushydreams.com.
They have
two main product lines, the flower and the joints.
Love the three rolls.
And guess what's inside of the joints?
So inside
within the two main product product lines,
you have three lines.
Private reserve, ultra premium, and premium.
Love that.
All that stuff.
You can either get an eighth and a ten, which is nitrogen sealed for optimal freshness.
Love popping it open and smelling the good cushy dreams.
Just getting blasted in the face.
Get the pre-rolls.
Oh, that's supposed to fucking gun.
That's what I say every time I crack open it.
How am I fucking gun?
Oh, that smells a fucking gun.
Yeah, Out here in Cali, we love smoking
pre-roll CBD.
Yeah, I have brain damage from growing up in California.
Yeah.
From driving up to Frisco to Huff Gas with a girl who's got her eyeball pierced.
Yeah, really cool stuff.
We got some friends up in Humboldt.
Showed us how to shove the weed in our ass.
I'm not allowed to smoke weed anymore because the government will take away my skateboard.
But that's why I smoke cushy dreams.
Yeah, basically, any person I've talked to for more than 10 minutes has immediately put a gun in their mouth and blew their brains out.
Anybody that I used to live with a woman that had this older, this guy who must have been in his 40s that would just come fuck her, but I would get stuck talking to him and he was
just fucking
like, Yeah, taking the van up the first guy this week.
Yeah, that guy needed some high-quality CBD cushy dreams to follow him out.
Yeah, and how would he get that, Nick?
Um, he would go to cushydreams.com.
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Wow.
Smoke your CBD because you can.
Because you can, fuckos.
Listen,
I need to get
to get to Costco
and I need to speak to the manager.
All right.
Because I was here last week and a Chinese woman was following me around.
Copying every one of my purchases.
Honestly, that would be really funny.
That would be annoying.
We should hire Chinese ladies to do that.
That would be a good point.
That's a good punk.
There was a Chinese lady copying all of my purchases.
And I said, excuse me.
Ma'am,
I will rape you if you continue copying me.
Mike, Mike, stop raping people.
That's not a punk.
That's fucked up.
Of course, I would never do that.
Didn't you say you raped Ashes?
I went back to my car and I watched Citizen King.
Your own ass?
I got a cosmetic hand mirror and I sat in my car watching Citizen Kane.
I have stirrups next to the steering wheel.
I actually have a
special vehicle
drive.
My second billion dollars I made in film I spent on a Maserati with stirrups on the steering wheel from a gynecologist's office, and I drive the car with my ass.
in a steering wheel so I can watch Citizen Kane in a mirror while I drive.
And it's a mirror that's pointed at your ass.
There's a mirror on the steering wheel which also has stirrups so I can watch tiny Citizen Kane while driving the car with my legs.
Oh, okay.
Do you get it projected backwards so in the mirror it looks the right way?
What a ridiculous question.
You're being ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
You're being absolutely ridiculous.
Okay.
I was just thinking about how you're thinking.
You're ruining the movie.
I just want to make sure you're not going to be able to.
Stop distracting me.
I'm trying to drive.
I'm trying to watch Citizen Kane and drive.
Oh, fuck.
Rosebud, am I right, boys?
Fucking Citizen Motherfucking Kane.
Citizen Brain.
Yeah.
That movie was pretty good, honestly.
Yeah.
I thought it was going to be bad.
I remember watching it in college with my boy and being like, this is going to suck.
Yeah.
And it was good.
He's like, we're just putting something on to get comfortable with each other.
And I'm like, all right.
Stop, relax.
Okay, Owen, I will.
Stop.
We're just going to have a.
Hey.
You don't need to get upset.
All right.
I'm sorry.
We're just putting a movie on.
Throw it on.
A couple of guys watching Citizen Kane.
You're sexy.
I'm sexy.
Yeah, it feels weird at first.
I know.
I went through this with Michael Douglas.
Wow.
Wow.
He's like the Ghalane.
I was just a guy.
I played lacrosse at the University of Texas.
Suddenly, Michael Douglas comes through Austin.
Everyone says, Wow.
Wow.
That's Michael Douglas.
Yeah, Wall Street.
And he pulls me aside and he says, You want to make a billion dollars?
I'm still okay.
Did you get a billion dollars?
I didn't.
Yeah.
I didn't.
Well, yeah, you know, it's kind of like we ended ended up just watching Citizen Cave.
That's a good movie.
But you play with my nuts for a second.
But that was it.
Wow.
Would you guys fuck Owen Wilson?
I don't know.
He's cute.
Maybe just kiss.
I would kiss him.
Yeah.
I like his broken nose.
Yep.
Owen Thrilson.
Yeah.
It would be.
Tell you what, we can go over to my place, take the Molly there.
No, I'm good.
I'm just going to chill at my spot, Owen.
Thank you.
No, I borrowed Michael Douglas's projector.
I would really rather watch it on a TV than your ass.
I don't even understand why
such a small screen.
We say the promo code for Cushy Dreams.
Yeah.
Come town.
Come town.
Okay.
We did.
And if they try to say we didn't, we'll get the gats out.
Yeah.
We're going to go storm their promo code.
I would never do that because I enjoy the product too much.
Yeah, truly good.
It feels good to you.
It feels good to do it.
It feels good, man.
Yeah.
To do the cussed drain.
Hey, tough guy, why don't you try to get to make fucking your ass with this?
Hey, always be ready.
That's still probably the funniest line in any movie of all time.
Always be ready.
Hey, always be ready.
God damn.
Salute to that motherfucker.
I wish I was that flexible.
I want to do splits.
Yeah.
I tried.
No, no, I can't do it.
No.
Yeah, I looked up.
I found found like a regimen, like a stretching thing.
I looked at some YouTube guy who was like, he's Australian.
He's like, yeah, I had problems with flexibility.
So I,
you know, I started just working on it.
And it's like, it's a two-year progress before you can do this.
Two years?
Yeah, dude, it takes forever to get limber.
And this is a young guy, too.
And it's like, fuck that.
I saw a girl on...
I'm 31.
I saw a girl on Twitter twitter say she could do splits in like five days that's because women have different yeah because they got pussies
go split they're used to busting them wide open yeah hey always be ready
so jean claude busts his bussy wide open is that what you're saying out of it yeah
well yeah he's used to busting it wide open bust it wide open tell the dj run they bang yeah i love how they work the splits into every film every movie
you gotta have a split
it's like a cigal neck snap.
Oh, man.
You gotta have a classic Bendell.
There was an awesome video going around Twitter of Seagal
doing a fight recently.
It's awesome.
Were the guys lose on purpose?
No, no, it was like in a movie, and they just cut out real wide anytime he has to do anything slow, even sort of
athletic.
He's just like very lethargically moving his fucking.
Yeah.
It's mostly hand.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm going to have a field day.
Field day was the best.
With the giant soccer ball.
Hell yeah.
The giant soccer ball.
Eat those little weak-ass hamburgers.
The sack race?
That was awesome.
Yeah.
Sack race.
What else?
The egg race, also.
Let's not forget.
On the spoon.
Yeah.
Do you eat it?
Three-legged race?
No, you don't eat it, motherfucker.
You fucking race.
I said, did you eat it?
No.
Why would I eat it?
Why would I eat a fucking egg at field day when they got all these fucking treats?
I just want to be a parent.
I think I'm ready for that.
I think me too.
Yeah, me too.
No, I still think maybe both of us could raise one.
I'd like for the people in my life to have children.
Actually, yeah, that'd be cool.
I'd probably have no problem
being dad friends with you.
Yeah, raising a kid with your boy?
That could actually be.
And maybe we'd leave, and then me and my son would be like, that guy's out of the back.
Pussy, dude, huh?
No, that's my son, too.
Yeah, those two guys were fucking gay.
No, come on, dude.
Can't treat you.
Let's go to Uncle Stav's place and watch this again.
You can't teach your son such ugliness.
Hatred.
Calling a guy and his son two guys.
A guy and his four-year-old son.
Those two guys are fucking homos.
This is fucking queer.
Come on.
Calling a baby a guy is awesome.
We would fight club of our kids.
Nah, I want to be the uncle, man.
So please, please, everyone have kids.
Uncle Stav.
I want my brothers to have kids.
Yeah, I just want
a kid to help me out with chores and shit.
Old West style.
Yeah.
Frontier style.
No, not even.
Didn't you have, you had to do chores?
Nah, dude.
My dad was dad.
I didn't do chores.
My dad was
working.
I dealt my grandfather.
I was playing backgammon more shit than anything.
That's cute.
And he was always...
It was always because he's not like an easy guy to get along with.
But he would always have tasks.
And if it was just me being assigned something, I could handle that.
And I enjoy doing that shit.
Why did that make me worry about it?
Yes, yes, yes.
Now you're the difficult guy to get along with.
Now you can have a child to
get revenge.
That's the way it works.
It's a circle of life.
My grandfather was,
his tasks were look through trash for something good.
Like on the street.
Oh, yeah, dude.
That's cool.
My man was a horror.
He looked exactly like Stav, and he would dress up in a tanuki suit.
Tanuki Mark.
No joke, I do look a bunch like him.
Hey, get out of my garbage.
And he's like, I'm a raccoon.
Don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
I'm just a raccoon.
He flies away.
Shouts out to my man Stavros Alchis.
That's what's going on.
Stavros Swan.
Stavro Swan, dude.
Somebody's chasing him.
He starts running, and the suit gets caught, and it rips off the bottom.
It says penis and ass are hanging out.
He's just got a little raccoon running away.
Raccoon ears,
and then the tail is still intact.
He's just massing and balls as he runs.
He's a little dick and big fat balls.
Oh, that's so cute.
Running full speed down the street.
And he's fast.
Yeah.
He's surprisingly fast.
He's fat for how fat he is.
It's definitely.
My man loved the trash and he loved
playing the lottery and buying birds.
Well, folks, it's that time again.
Yep.
You can go back to your own life.
That's right.
That was another episode of Come Town.
And look, check out Come Dot Town for shirts.
And go to stopby.biz for other shirts.
And there you go.
