Ep. 62 – Train Knowledge
Ill tell you some shit them boys up in Albany don’t want you to know
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Transcript
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Long shit talking session.
I have a little list here in the corner.
All the people I wanted to fucking take down, and I got that out of my system.
That way, I don't have to air it on the podcast.
And
they're gonna get mad at us.
That's the content people want.
Maybe that's a tease Adam.
Yeah, a little broadcast.
Maybe you don't know how to play the audience.
Yeah.
Like I do.
Like a little fucking marionette.
The clown prince strikes again.
They call me Strike Zone.
When was the last time anyone has done a marionette show?
Like, do people still go and watch people do puppetry?
Yeah, I mean, there's people that go to fucking
elementary schools and do that shit all the time.
I guess that's true.
But didn't that used to be like grown people?
I guess that's before
in the old West, people would go watch a marionette show.
In Japan, they do that.
Actually, you know what?
When I was a little kid.
I'm sorry, I'm thinking where the strings are.
They tie the woman's hands behind her back.
What's the classic like?
That's what I was thinking too.
What's the Marionette show about like where a guy just beats his wife punch and Judy?
Oh, Judy Punch, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's just a guy like just
beating his wife and then his wife like asks for help or people like this is hilarious.
This is gold.
Well, there's there's actually I I would when I was a little kid and I went to Greece once, um, they had sh a shadow puppetry thing.
This thing called Karagozi, and it was just just like some fucking, I think it was very racist, and it was a very good thing.
No, that's just televisioning, Greece.
Yeah, yeah.
They do mad men like that.
But it's like, it's like 2D things that they fucking, and it's just every character is racist, and
you know, they make fun of Jews.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, there's a Jew character.
Damn, I'm gonna look this up.
Was that a Palestinian children's show where they had Mickey Mouse?
Yeah, they have they don't like respect copyrights in Palestine?
Yeah, no, they like which is the only problem I have with Palestine.
They use that for their own design.
Respect intellectual property.
Look, if you live in Gaza and you're stealing our podcast, I hope you get fucking bulldozed.
There's like a suicide bomber Elmo.
I hope you end up in some fucking caterpillar trash.
In fact, I'm going to make a toast for my soda stream
to your
broadcast Stealing Death.
Let's break out the Sabra, boys.
Yeah, I disagree with all that.
I'm bondage divest fully.
Well, you know,
I keep saying bondage divest.
I'm boycott divest.
Oh, yeah, but was it an accident and not a bit that you did?
No, I did it accidentally the other day, and
my friend was like, oh, he's just doing a bit, and I was like, yeah, I was.
BDSM, is that your bit?
BD?
So you did it by saying, you did it by accident yesterday, and now you're repeating it as a bit.
No, I legitimately did it by accident.
Yesterday you did it by the end of the day.
Now you're repeating.
Now you have plausible deniability.
You think you have plausible deniability.
No, I just keep saying it.
For a bit that's bombing.
Bondage sounds pretty bad, you know?
No, it would be pretty good if I had said BDSM, if I had done a BDS, BDSM joke, it would have gone over well.
Yeah, it's true.
Because I've got that timing.
Yeah, it's true.
It's how funny you're talking about.
You call me the timest.
Oh, hell no.
Today, I didn't mention it before because I wanted to do it on the pod, but I saw one of those guys on one of those one-wheel hoverboards, like the gyroscope hoverboard.
And he just, I was walking my dog, he just gyro, he just hoverboarded past me, and he was was on the phone on like a Bluetooth headset.
And the one thing I caught him say was like, no, but seriously, I would like to secure permanent employment.
Just as he was like zooming through the
EBT cards.
Yeah.
No, I tried to welcome queens with their fucking unicycles.
It was electric unicycles.
They're getting the little clown cars.
They're all getting in them all at once to drive to the fucking fur store to buy Crystal Hall.
Well, it was funny when those came out, like the hoverboards or whatever, you're like, hmm, who are these for?
And then after a week, you're like, oh, that's who.
And then they immediately banned them on the train.
You imagine if white businessmen were riding those, and then the MTA would be like, please, here's parking for your hoverboard on the train.
They take out the handicap seats to make racks to
have them on.
I've been listening to the Brian Lehrer show on on NPR.
Did you guys ever listen to that?
Bitch.
I already listened to all of them years ago.
But no, no, no, no.
But
I only listen on Fridays because de Blasio comes on every Friday
and they let anyone call in and ask them questions.
I call them de Blah Blah Blasio.
Oh, yeah.
People just yell at him on Fridays.
It's so funny.
People are like, Maya de Blasio, maybe you should stop having a black wife and make the trades work.
They're like, all right, we're going to take another call.
They do make a good point.
So good.
It does.
Why do the trains suck so much, dick, here, dude?
Is it Cuomo's fault?
I don't get it.
People just want me to drop some real train knowledge.
Oh, shit.
That wasn't the guest setup, but go ahead.
Hit us with it.
All right.
I'm going to go.
Yeah, we could all leave for the next 40 minutes, and this podcast would be do fine.
Well, the thing is, is that the trains in New York City are electrically switched instead of electronically switched, which means that
they don't know where the fucking trains are or which train is which once they leave.
Oh, wait, isn't it some?
Like half the lines?
Some of them they've upgraded.
Right, right, right.
But
the way the tracks are all laid out is
they had to do it like, you know, a hundred years ago, where
the current goes through the train, and then they can tell if a certain section of track is occupied, but they can't tell which train it is or how fast it's going.
Gotcha.
So they always have to have like a a thousand feet difference or distance between each train
because that's just how the system is set up.
So you don't have the possibility of making trains run faster than I think at max like every five minutes or whatever.
If once they're going at a certain speed.
Well, how much would it cost to get them
more than just completely rebuilding the tires?
Yeah.
Damn.
Also, aren't the letter trains and number trains a different width?
No.
The letter trains are wider than the number trains, so you can't.
Yeah, but the track width.
The track width is different.
There's different rolling stock for the different lines because it used to be two private companies.
Yeah, yeah, that's why.
It's like renovating a house.
Like, if you had a bare piece of land, it would be easier to just build a new house there than to take some fucked-up old house and restore it.
And then with Hurricane Sandy and shit, I mean, that caused so much fucking damage.
Yeah.
But then it's also like the MTA is just a fucking mess with like tons of bureaucratic problems, right?
Yeah, I want those clean Japanese Korean trains, dude.
Yeah, you go into that fucking place and like everything's nice and fucking you know, orderly.
I mean, it seems like they grope, but other than that.
There's a lot of gropes.
You know, other than that, I feel like everything's robotic.
They might even have like what I want that's what I want a step up from the hoverboard as part of my Amazon Prime membership.
I can hit a button on my phone, and then a drone comes and grabs onto my skull with like a plunger type of device.
Like an inspector
into the air and flies me to Manhattan.
Oh, that's good.
Damn, dude, I want a little jetpack.
How far away are we from jetpack technology?
I think they already have jetpacks.
But like for personal use.
They already have jetpacks for personal use.
That I'm close to.
What do you think?
There's only a jetpack for the present?
Yeah, actually, yes, that is what I think.
You're not allowed to fly drones in New York City, though.
It's like
mega against the press.
It happens all the time.
I know it happens all the time, but yeah.
In In the park.
I had a friend that got almost arrested because he was in Prospect Park flying his drone.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I want a fucking personal jetpack, and I want to fucking jetpack everywhere I go.
Yeah, it would be funny to see you up there.
Because I'm such a living.
There goes stuff.
Dude, yeah, I actually.
With your girlfriend on the back of the jetpack?
I would love that.
But I don't have a girlfriend.
I'm not going to be encased in one of those hamster balls.
Like a bubble boy situation.
I would actually legit love that.
If you can make the ball go a little faster, if it could be like an electric bike, you know, where it's like you pedal, but it's
motorcycle cages.
Yeah, yeah, dude.
And I'm running, but I'm going fast as shit.
I'm running my normal pace, which is like, you know, five miles an hour, but then it goes, it bumps me up to 20.
The motorcycle cage has to be the dumbest of the circus attractions.
Yeah.
Because
it's barely the circus.
There's no athleticism there.
It's like that's just extremely dangerous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
That feels way more like fucking monster truck rally shit than the surface.
The monster trucks are fucking cool.
Yes.
Because they have to spend a shit ton of money on those trucks.
Yeah, and they go.
And then they just break them.
Like every monster truck rally, there's a truck that, like, well, yeah, that one's fucked.
The axle snapped off and the engine exploded.
So that'll be another $70,000 fixing that part of the truck.
But who cares, baby?
As long as fucking...
As long as there's hillbillies trying to fucking win back their son's love, the fucking monster truck rally will be in business, dude.
That's a huge business.
You know, the story of monster trucks is insane.
It was like just one fucking retard
that had
like a pickup trade, an F-150, and he's like, oh, well, I'll put bigger tires on it, and then put even bigger tires on it.
And then I thought, well, what if I put even bigger tires on it?
And then the tires got beaten up, people want to come see the truck.
And so then I thought, well, hold on now.
I got this truck with big tires.
If I put even bigger tires on it
until more and more people come.
And that was his business plan.
And the tires just got bigger and bigger.
Wow, really?
Yeah, you know, like people would just jump.
Yeah, people would come and they would be like, Can you destroy my car with your beautiful truck?
And then he would drive.
It would be an honor, sir, for you to fucking destroy my gay-ass Chevy Kabara.
My daughter just turned 27, and she still is unmarried.
And a rumor has it around town, she fucked one of the black guys, works at gas stations.
So we're going to put her in my old caprice and lock the doors.
And I want you to take Bigfoot and crush her death in it.
So my family can have honor again.
Yeah, that's fucking
killing.
Yeah, and that's the story of Monster Trump.
Yeah.
It was actually, no, how it started was there is a little-known law in Louisiana that it's actually okay to molest children if you're 15 feet in the air.
Yeah,
it was originally.
But only 15 to 17 feet.
And
above that, it's illegal.
It's international airlines.
It's called the one and a half story law.
And it dates back to colonial times
when
the richest mayor was a pedophile.
Yeah, yeah.
And he had a hot air balloon.
Well, you had to date back to the French.
When the French were in charge of Louisiana.
Pierre sugar fingers DuFal, who was the most notorious pedophile in New Orleans.
And I was like, well, then, boys.
And he would ride his elephant around raping children.
He would find crying babies and cover his fingers in sugar and
silence them by putting his mouth.
A guy discovered that law when he was reading the laws of Louisiana on audiobook.
A barrister.
Yeah, right.
And
then so he made that truck and he was like, this is my monster truck.
Wow.
Monster.
I see.
Very nice.
That's the only other definition of monster.
It's either Halloween or pedophile.
Or both
in some situations.
Or
that movie where Charlize Theron's ugly.
Monster's Marister.
Yeah.
Personally,
I think she's really ugly in Mad Max Fury Road.
I was so mad.
Look, I'm a feminist like everybody else, but
how dare she cut her hair?
Absolutely.
No woman is ever allowed to have short hair.
So true.
Gavin McGinnis actually wrote that article.
Oh, my God.
He did.
He was like, women with short hair is rape.
You're raping me because it looks like a boy.
Oh, and I'm attracted to it.
Is that his argument?
Yeah, something like that.
Yeah, I just want to have duty-style sex with them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In their ass and cover their pussy up.
In their ass.
Yeah, cover their pussy up with like.
In your ass.
I like some nice short hair every once in a while.
I don't mind it.
I think all women are beautiful.
Yeah, I want to have sex with them.
Actually,
I want some short hair.
I want to get some short hair trim, boys.
Yeah.
And by that, I mean fuck men.
Yeah, if you're a woman with short hair, you have to send naked pictures to Stavros through any of the social media outlets.
Remember, it's progressive because you're disgusting.
Yeah.
So he's doing you a favor.
Yes.
Stav comedy.
He's actually being on Twitter.
Stav underscore comedy on Snapchat.
Being feminism by Jackie.
Sexually.
By jacking off to Amber Rose.
I'm a feminist.
Big news today, Stav can no longer serve in the United States military as a transgender American.
If he's beat off to too many transgender Americans.
Yeah.
I saw, yeah, first, that's...
That's hilarious.
Like, who gives a fuck?
How did that start?
Why is that an issue?
Because
Because he tweeted about it.
He might have, but I mean, why did he tweet about it?
Because he's trying to.
Because healthcare isn't going to be.
Oh, this is his master.
God, that's so funny.
Yeah, he just took like a fucking.
He's changing the narrative.
Wow.
He must be talking to that fucking Cajun motherfucker.
No, he just saw MASH for the first time.
He's really mad about Klinger.
But you know what?
It's weird.
I watched.
You used to watch MASH all the time.
The TV show.
The TV show.
Hawkeye the guy who dressed.
No, Hawkeye is Alan Alda.
Oh, okay.
That's the main character.
Klinger, right?
Foxtrot?
Foxy?
There's one named Fox something, isn't there?
I don't know.
I never really watched the show, but I've seen the movie.
I've never seen the movie.
And
I did beat off to the lady in it.
The blonde lady?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
She looks like a shit.
Sugar pussy.
That was her name.
Sugar Walls.
That's what they used to call her.
Listen here, Sugar Walls.
No, but you know what?
I never noticed watching that show is radar's got like a fucked up.
A radar.
Radar's got like a deformed baby arm.
And he's a surgeon?
No, he's the radio operator.
Oh, the radio guy.
Wait, radar's the guy who dresses bad, like a woman.
No.
Klinger is the fucking one that wears women's clothes.
Okay.
But he's not trans.
The character did that to get fucking like to get off the base.
Yeah, so they would think he was crazy.
A freak of nature.
They would think he has a mental disorder.
Yeah.
Dog, I saw a picture of
a trans soldier, like a F to M, and he was just jacked as shit, fucking big-ass gun.
It's like, how much tougher is that person than all of us?
Well, did you see the SEAL team?
You can't say that because then you're saying that women aren't tough enough to be in the military.
No, but what I'm saying is it's harder to fucking go from to look jacked as hell if you start as a woman, right?
And then you have more testosterone.
I don't give a shit.
There's no reason.
There's no like argument for
transgender people or even gay people should be allowed to be in the military because the military, by its own side.
That's the most hilarious part does bad shit.
The only thing is it is a source of income for people that wouldn't fucking be able to find work anyways.
You should be focused on fixing the economy.
Absolutely.
There should be jobs for those people
protection in whatever workplace.
McDonald's, they should be able to make enough money to pay their fucking rent or whatever.
Yeah, I mean, I know.
That is the irony here.
It's like fucking, oh, the military's, it's like when everyone was sucking off the FBI and the CIA.
It's like, what, these guys are good now?
It's like, we care about the fucking military.
And it's the same thing when they were like, women can serve in combat roles.
It's like, is this really like the feminism that we wanted first?
It's like, you could have your team.
I didn't want any feminism.
I didn't want that.
I was saying from the get-go.
This is a bad idea.
It's going to lead to trans people taking Chris Kyle's job.
And I said, mark my words.
And nobody marked them.
Yeah, well.
What about a trans sniper?
Chris Kyle, maybe he was trans.
That SEAL Team 6 woman.
SEAL Team Dix.
Seal Team Dix.
She's...
She was heavily decorated SEAL Team 6, and she's trans.
Now she came out as trans afterwards.
But
she looked like a hard motherfucker when she was in the SEAL team.
I got in trouble on Choppa when I did it because we were talking about Ben Shapiro
and
someone tweeted one person tweeting.
Ben Shapiro is that fucking little ass nerd?
Yeah, he's that nerd, but I talked about that video where he's on the daily
with the helicopter pilot.
There was this helicopter pilot, it was like a NOM helicopter pilot that became like a LA news helicopter pilot that covered the OJ.
Oh, shit.
She also covered like
Rodney King riots.
And she was like, yeah, yeah.
And
one, like, there was a helicopter accident, and the blades cut her dick off, and then
became trans.
No, that's not true.
Well, that's what I thought.
That's what I thought happened.
Anyway, so she came out as trans.
So I brought up, she was on a transportation.
I mean, Holyoke, are you telling me that's not what happened?
I mean, that makes so much sense.
She was on like a dais with Ben Shapiro, and Ben Shapiro was.
I mean, you put one and two.
You fucking.
Thank you.
I don't know anything about this story, but it's.
Let's use a little bit of deductive reasoning.
There's a helicopter pilot whose dick comes off.
I mean, what else happened?
The helicopter landed on it, Adam?
No.
There's two sets in place.
Ever since she was.
She was sunbathing nude upside with his dick hard.
Ever since she was gone.
And someone fucking flipped it upside down.
She felt like there was something different about her.
Anyway, yes.
Anyway, so she's on a dais with Ben Shapiro, and Ben Shapiro.
Yeah, he's like, you can say you're a woman as much as you want, but that doesn't make you a woman.
Yeah, you're entitled to your opinion, but you're not.
I don't have to call you a woman.
Yeah, and then he, or she puts her like massive arms from, you know, manually spinning the helicopter blades to start it, you know, or whatever you have to do.
And he goes, listen, sweetie.
I did not do the voice like that.
Listen, sweetie.
Like, listen, sweetie.
If you fucking call your man again,
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
No, she said, listen, sweetie.
Adam, you did that?
No, you keep up.
Adam went on Chapo.
Adam, you were
trying to get away from
their dicks and blenders.
No, I never said that.
It's a direct Adam Friedland quote.
Come on, man.
You represent us whenever you fucking go out there.
No, when I was on Chappo, I did.
I quoted her.
And someone said that I changed changed the pitch of my voice, which I think I listened back, I don't think I did that.
Which is accurate because your regular speaking voice already sounds like a dumb woman.
Yeah, it is.
You had to go down a register to reach helicopter pilot woman.
That's so true.
So, um, oh, that's what you got trouble for.
Yeah, so someone was by trouble, you mean one person said it was bad?
I got, you know, some people were like, that's horrible or something.
Well, listen, man, you represent the show when you're out there.
Let me tell you, right.
Don't do any more transphobic shit.
Whoever said that
is a retard.
Yeah,
that's our
professional rebuttal.
What do you think their sexual orientation is?
It was a transition.
It was a trans wounded.
It was a trans woman, I believe, who said that.
But yeah, so
I'm not apologizing for that.
Whoa, the bad boy.
Bad boy.
The motherfucking bad boy.
I'll apologize for other things, but I'm not
sucking on my dick and eating my ass.
Whatcha gonna do?
What y'all gonna do?
What I fucking.
Suck your dick.
Either one works.
Yeah, it's nice.
Have you guys seen it?
I feel like I was on a streak of seeing a bunch of movies, but I think that ended.
I don't think I've seen a movie in a while.
I just watched
John with Two, I guess.
Good one.
Fucking Rules.
Yeah.
I love that the villains hang out as just a museum.
Yeah.
Yeah, where they have people visit the museum and then in one of the rooms.
They They have an industrial lock concert for villains.
That one scene where him and common are like having that shootout, and then they go into that, I don't know where it is, the secret station, and they're just sort of like
shooting at each other.
It was the funniest quacking, like secretly, and no one's noticing the two guys are shooting guns.
Dude, that was like
so inventive.
That's such an awesome scene.
It ruled.
That movie fucking rocks.
John Wick is the best, is my favorite action franchise.
I know that's, you know, people will argue or whatever, but like, maybe it's a good one.
I think it's the best one, dude.
I haven't seen them in a while, but I really like the Crank movies.
See, I haven't seen them.
Yeah, they're really sick, dude.
Crank is good.
I mean, Statham is, like, a really good martial artist.
But the guys that make it.
So is Keanu.
I mean, that's why, like, all that choreography is great, is because Keanu is dedicated to learning how to.
And he knows how to shoot guns for real.
Have you seen those videos of him shooting guns and shit?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, doing obstacle course, gun obstacle courses?
Yeah, yeah, he He learned all that shit.
Although, it's funny, like, you watch John Wick 1 and then John Wick 2, and he does, like, the same move often where he puts somebody in, like, a leg lock and then pop them in the top of the head.
He does it always, and I'm always happy when he does it.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't give a fuck, dude.
That shit rocks.
I heard a rumor.
Well, it's like...
Yeah, he would probably do that if he's going through killing that many people at once.
Well, I heard the rumor that there's a rumor that the third one is going to basically be like the fucking
Was that what it was called?
No, they're
the
raid redemption.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like Thailand movie.
Yeah, yeah, where he just goes up and he just has to kill a fucking person.
That movie is sick.
Well, that movie complained about it because it's like a white guy.
So
it's going to be.
They're changing it.
Melissa McCarthy is going to be
as the new John Wick.
Dude, that was.
Leslie Jones is the new John Wick, and she screams at people.
I just understood people being mad about Ghostbusters.
Like that.
If they made Keanu Melissa McCarthy, I would be
no, what does it matter?
Who cares if you completely change the cast of something?
I mean if they made Jane Wick and it was tight, I guess I'd be down.
I do want to see Atomic Blonde.
That shit looks tight.
Do you?
Have you seen it?
I've seen the trailer.
It looks cool.
The trailer looks cool.
It basically does look like...
Actually, I think Atomic Blonde is essentially Jane Wick.
Like, it's essentially like...
Neither you see Ghosts in the Shell.
Yeah, with Scarlett.
I read an Amazon review that said it's not bad.
I'd watch it.
Somebody said it reminded them of Blade Runner, which I
should imagine.
Rewatch, which is like an amazing thing.
Because they're stupid.
Whoever said that is stupid.
I was talking about it the other day.
It's incredible.
I haven't seen it in
I haven't seen it in a minute, but we should watch the Michael Mann Miami Vice with Jamie Foxx and Columbaro.
Dude, that movie is fucking sick.
Really?
I'll watch it.
I haven't seen it.
It was like another movie that was like panned.
Like people were like, this fucking sucks, but it's because it's too dark and it doesn't have super dark.
It doesn't feel like Miami Vice.
No, it's Michael Mann's take on Miami Vice.
It's a Michael Mann.
It's more of a Michael Mann movie than...
Do you like him because his name's Mann?
That's why you like it.
Imagine if his name was Man's Ass.
Adam looks at the box and he goes to Blockbuster and he takes the Michael Mann movie into the corner and just looks at the word man.
trying to avoid the security cameras,
just checking off to the word man.
Yeah, so you've never seen that game that the word man gets you hard,
the word man spelled differently, and a person's name gets you hard.
What are you doing with that copy of Thief?
It's a smart joke.
That's a really smart joke.
You guys really smell.
With your dumbass, bitch ass, gay ass Adam.
Yeah, rack him.
Boy.
Pink hat on your knee ass, motherfucker.
With your little posture ass like a woman.
Fucking leg over your fucking dick.
Yeah.
I'm just, this is how I sit, man.
Shut up.
Fuck, dude.
I'm hungry as shit.
Yeah.
I got to do another smoothie before we go out.
No, let's go get dinner.
You're going to get dinner.
We're going to do both.
Wow.
I'm committed to respect to gaining 200 pounds this year.
Not hitting 200 pounds, gaining 200 pounds.
That's cool.
How are you going to do it?
I'm going to be, I promise the audience.
I will be as jacked as the rock
by December.
December.
I am going to gain 242 pounds.
Of pure muscle.
How tall is he?
He's like 6'4, probably.
Yeah, something like that.
Dwayne, motherfucking, our next president, dude.
Dwayne the Brock Turner.
I mean, it would be fucking hilarious if he legitimately ran.
No, dude.
Yeah, he is, I think.
No, he's not.
I think he is.
It'd be great if he ran.
And all these fucking idiots
for him and they didn't realize he was a Republican.
They're just like, yeah, the rock.
Great.
Or like if George Takai ran, he's like, we're putting everyone in camps.
Take that.
Take that, white people.
Just putting everyone in camps.
I can has cheeseburger concentration camps.
Something smells like calm in here.
Oh, sorry.
It's pasta.
It's my hard penis.
Why does that pasta smell like cum?
Sometimes pasta smells like that.
Because you guys got molested by Italians.
Yeah.
An Italian man put a piece of spaghetti in his ass and it made me suck the other end.
Like the fucking lady in the tram.
Yeah, it's so funny.
When the moon hips your lips like a big pizza potato.
Remember that one.
Remember La Belle Astugas?
I do remember La Bella Stugas.
Ah, what a fucking song.
Hey, that's not the lyric.
La Belle Lastuga.
I fucked up my back at the squat rack yesterday, guys.
Yeah, you did.
What were you doing?
Looking at it, cleaning it down for a stronger guy.
Poor form.
You hurt your back deadlifting?
Wiping it down for a guy.
Did you hurt your back while actually actually deadlifting, or you finished the set and then later your back hurt?
I woke up this morning and my back hurt really bad.
Yeah, then you didn't hurt your back deadlifting.
That's just muscle tension.
Tightness?
Yeah.
You just need to go get a massage.
Go get a massage, fucking go to yoga or something.
Foam roll the shit out of it next time you go to the gym.
I'm going to get a foam roller off of Amazon.
You're going to get that kind of massage you'd like to get?
The kind that sets some people back a couple, you know?
What are you talking about?
Keeps them enslaved?
Is that the kind of massage you're going to get?
No.
I'm going to get a massage for my car.
Boys, we should go to Little Italy after this.
Little Italy sucks, dude.
We got to go to the real Little Italy, which is in Arthur Avenue.
I would go.
Bronx.
Let's go to the Bronx right now.
It's Arthur Avenue where they make all the
memes.
Yeah, yeah.
Arthur memes.
Very nice.
Let's take a fucking.
You know,
that video in the Bronx.
You know, be a funny meme that no one would get is
you do, you write
TFW when no, hold on.
TFW, you get lost between the moon and New York City, and then it's the Arthur hand.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
That's pretty good.
I think a few people would get that.
Yeah.
You know, if you're a real Criss Cross fan, you get it.
I was saying today that I'm transgender
instead of transgender.
Trance?
Yeah, that's where I suck off other guys at EDM shows, but outside of that, I'm normal.
That's good.
I know a couple of fellas like that.
Oh, yeah.
Music.
The guys that are music festival gay.
Oh, yeah.
Well, listen, man.
You get a little bit of a sickness gay at music festivals.
Yeah, it raves.
I've met a couple of people like that that let, you know, oh, yeah, I'll let some guy in a headdress jack me off.
I mean, it's a healthy way to get the sickness out of your body, dude.
It's like leeching.
It's only gay, it raves.
That's what that song, Down with the Sickness, is.
It's a very homophobic and progressive song.
I feel like we've made a similar joke to the sickness being gayness.
Have we?
I mean, it just feels like something.
Imagine trying to do that kind of comedy on stage now.
Oh, man.
I mean, going up, hey, you guys hear that song.
You know what I think it means.
Boo.
Boo.
I would love to see that.
My sister was my last head, you piece of shit.
Sucking a dick inside of New York City.
Ah, damn, I fucked up my back somehow.
Damn, you did too?
Did you steal that from Adam?
No, I just slept on my
arm wrong.
That's a stolen bit.
Yo, thanks a lot to everyone that came out on Monday.
Funny moms,
that was a really good show, by the way.
It was awesome.
We're really happy with how these shows have been going.
And we are going to be moving to twice a month.
Oh, are we?
Yeah, in the fall.
You didn't tell us that, bitch.
Well, I'm telling you now.
In the fall, we are moving to twice a month.
The bad news is that I will be dead by by then.
Yeah.
I'm going to die in Greece.
I'm sorry for false
advertisement.
Our
Italian-American friend, Mike Racine,
Italo-American.
In the 80s, they used to call themselves that.
The Italo.
The Italian Americans.
Yeah.
Do you remember that?
He went to the wrong venue.
He was supposed to be on the show, but we're going to get him on soon.
We know he's going to be able to do it.
Fuck Racine.
I love him.
Fuck him.
He's listening right now.
Make me some meatballs, you fucking giddy cocksucker.
Let's go over to his house and make his girlfriend.
That's not a bad idea.
Maybe we text Racine Racine to get dinner with us.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
I'm fucking hungry, dude.
Anyway, yeah, so.
Oh, fuck.
Did you guys see that fucking fake-ass little kid letter?
Yeah, yeah, to Trump.
That shit is so funny.
Whoa, there was somebody who pretended their child wrote a letter to Trump.
I think so.
I think it was.
Yeah.
Remember, didn't we?
It might not have been fake.
I fucking, that is the one thing that pisses me off more than anything is when it's like, you know, a video that starts like, say, DM, what did you say, Sadie?
What was that thing you said?
Oh, Dad,
the boys should be able to play with the girls' toys.
You know, and everyone's like, gee, the child's edit, so it means strike.
Well, it's always.
Never mind the fact that 95% of the other children in the world are racist
pieces of shit.
The fake, the fake, like, oh, kids are the most discriminatory people in the world.
That's all they know is like, how do I fucking exclude people and categorize them?
Yeah, yeah.
No, but it's always like the lib, I think fake kid letters are always like way too eloquent for like a seven-year-old.
Yeah.
And like the conservative ones are always like, this kid is like f like a fucking retard.
Yeah, that was one of the kids.
That was when you fired.
Remember that one?
That was one of the first jokes I wrote when I was doing stand-up about a billboard that was on Interstate 95 near Delaware that
had
a black kid and a white kid.
They were like hugging each other and it was like, children don't see collar.
And it was some PSA.
Oh, yeah.
And then my my tag for or my
setup was like, which is an effective ad because sex sells.
Jesus Christ, people would laugh at that because I was 16.
16?
Yeah.
Is that pedophilia if you're 16 and fucking children?
Yes.
What do you mean?
Of course.
You know, by little.
You're under 18.
It is funny to think.
We talked about it before, but like, you know, being 16 and like fucking 15 year olds.
Yeah, you fuck a child.
And then you remember that as an adult, and you're like, oh,
geez.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Whenever a girl says to me, she's like, yeah, I started real young.
I was 13.
I'm like,
good God.
Yeah, it's disgusting.
Dude, I dated a girl that was like, she told me this fucking story one time about being in like English class in like sixth grade and just letting guys finger her in class.
Whoa.
She's like, yeah, I was just letting.
I was thinking to my own classroom and how we had like open desks, and I couldn't imagine just the choreography of letting people
finger you in the classroom without the teacher being like, What's going on back there?
Who keeps fingering?
Why do you keep dropping your pencils in front of Alexa's desk?
Yeah, yeah.
Don't stop fingering.
In middle school, like there was this thing where girls,
as like a thing, would all show their thongs.
That like became a thing.
Yeah, like sit in class.
Because that Cisco song.
We could probably, because the thong song was big that time.
I remember that.
Baltimore Zone, baby, Cisco.
Yeah.
I think I saw them at the FUD shop in the interview.
Yeah, you were about that.
When they were Drew Hill?
Yeah.
I never realized that that was a neighborhood in Baltimore.
Druid Hill Park.
I thought Sisco's name was Drew Hill, and that was like his backup.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That was very confusing to me.
What's Cisco up to, dude?
That Silver Hair?
Why the fuck hasn't Silver Hair come back?
Dude, I was just on the way home from the back of the fire.
I'm from Frank Ocean.
O's today.
And I fell asleep last night watching this new Guy Fiery show.
I don't know if it's new or not.
I fucking love Guy's Grocery Games.
I watched the dumbest show.
I fucking love it.
I love it because, first of all, Don Johns Drives In Dies is already a stupid fucking horrible.
But Guy's Grocery Games is like they were trying, they're like, well, Chop's more successful than us, so we're going to just do Chopped.
But Guy's Grocery is tearing for somebody.
He's not a judge.
He's not doing the host.
He's a presenter.
He's like, all right, we're back on Triple D's, Triple G's, and the challenge today.
And he thinks that's like the coolest name.
Absolutely.
And it's just call it the name of the show.
I'm sure that's been a fight he's had with the producers numerous times.
They're like, guy, great.
Everything's going great.
But could you please say the actual name of the show and stop calling it Triple D, Triple G?
And shorting, you only have one thing to say.
It's the name of the show.
And could you please do it?
And he's like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
No, I'm going to kick.
But there's no reason for him to be there.
He serves no purpose.
He's like the smash mouth of the culinary world.
He's the same, first of all, you see.
And they're both,
but I saw him and I said, I guarantee you, this guy's got from Northern California.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got that fucking Northern California fatso vibe that like
San Jose, they're like, yeah, South Bay.
1998 forever, you know, kind of fatso.
And he's one of them.
Dude, the best part about him.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry, but that show, there's literally shots where he's in the background off mic, just like mumbling and saying things.
It's awesome.
Left on the show.
He's just wandering around while everybody does stuff because there's nowhere for him to fucking go to the grocery store.
No one can cook.
All the food is bullshit on mass grocery games.
They don't even have shows.
It's all amateurs.
They just have, yeah, it's just like sloppy joes and shit.
But also, I don't understand the premise.
It's like shitty chops.
Well, I know, but with chopped, it's like these are the ingredients you have access to.
It's like these are the ingredients you have access to.
In this show, they're literally in a fucking grocery store.
No, no, no.
There's
like
this, yeah.
Why are there limits?
What's the point of being in a grocery store?
Well, that's the fun part, baby.
You got to find the shit.
You got $19.07 to make a fucking dinner for two.
No, they have to have specific ingredients.
No, sometimes they do.
My friend, you haven't watched as much guys as I've watched
enough to complain about.
Yeah.
Here's the best part, though, dude.
He pronounced his name Fieti.
Yeah.
And he was born Ferreri, Guy Ferry.
He was born Guy Ferry, and he pronounced it Fieri.
I'm Guy Fieri.
No, dude, he fucking.
Here's how stupid he is.
He changed his name back to Fieri for his wedding so he could honor his great-grand Italian WAP-grandfather
with Giuseppe Fieri in like a toast, in like a drunken toast at his wedding.
Wow, I just want to say that my grandfather,
Giuseppe Freire.
Oh, man.
I do love guys' grocery games, though.
You know what else I've been on recently?
Master Chef Motherfucking Jr.
See, I don't like cooking shows, but I am a big HG TV head.
I love Property Brothers.
No, I can't.
I don't like that shit, dude.
Dude, the Property Brothers are my fucking shit.
Those are our different passions when working and eating.
Yeah.
You know?
I love me some damn fucking Master Chef Jesus.
But the thing I love about the Property Brothers is they're so, there's zero charisma to either one of them.
Absolutely.
They're like emotionally flat.
They're like, you know, when you work with somebody and they're doing an impression of what they think a cool person would say or do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like when they employ sarcasm in that way, where they're like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're like, what?
Well, they, no, but they have that fake, like, they're like a customer service agent at all times.
Like, someone trying to upsell you.
They're always like a waitress asking if you want dessert.
The contractor one definitely has like, he was like a pyro in middle school.
Yeah.
Yeah, well look out Jonathan's got a bunch of lighters dude.
He's doing a pyramid.
Yeah the kid with the Zippo yeah how cool it was that remember
Jonathan could make the Bic lighter spin he could do a 360.
Oh the kid who would take the fucking the thing off it and make the flame go big as shit.
Hell yeah Korean kids in my high school were really into like match and lighter tricks.
Really?
I don't know why.
Yeah Korean.
Should we give Korean food?
The contractor food is always always, always goes, no matter what episode, he's like, I'm going to go open floor plan on this.
You got to go open floor plan.
Yeah, and then he has one scene where he like drags a sawzall through some drywall, and then his team comes in.
And
he's going to be doing real work.
Speaking of, I'm moving, Nick.
There's a wall.
It's got to go.
I'm going to Jonathan Scott the shit.
Holy fuck.
I got to say that.
We should do that.
I got to say that.
We're going to get a sledgehammer there.
So there's like this, there's a wall, like there's a kitchen.
You just, I want to fucking knock that shit down.
Open floor plan,
property brothers style.
My bitch.
This shit's going to look so good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, like, I was talking to Max about it today, and he's like, I don't think that we should do that.
That's actually, it's weird because I wrote a sketch for the show that we're producing called The Property, and then it's the N-words.
I don't want to say on the podcast because it won't make sense out of context.
I'm just saying, if we do the actual sketch, we'll all be
wearing prosthetics.
Well, it's not blackface, it's prosthetics.
I mean, the nose will be bigger.
You have the saws on?
The lips will be bigger.
It's not like just
a racist thing.
I'm wearing
applying paint to his screen.
I'm not doing a minstrel show.
It's a method acting, you fucking piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah.
We're doing high listening.
It's a latest Tropic Thunder.
Yeah, it's all going to be shot in 4K.
Hilarious.
Tropic Thunder really hit that sweet spot like that.
Even two.
And it's written by the fucking Moholland Drive guy.
How crazy is that?
Yeah, that is hilarious.
Wait, David Lynch?
No, no.
The actor, Justin.
You guys aren't watching fucking.
No.
No.
It's so good.
Twin Peaks is good.
Twin Peaks is.
No, D.
It still smells like cum in here.
The original, I always thought, was like corny.
Now it smells like a different cum.
It smells like that tree that smells like cum trees.
Yeah, the DC cum trees, dude.
DC has covered in cum trees.
The Lower East Side has.
If you go into like
the LES got the cum trees.
Yeah, if you think about it.
Boston's like Clinton.
Clinton Street is what I call it Cum Street.
Yeah.
During the springtime.
You go down there, you get a nice big nose full of cum.
Yeah.
Also, when I go down to Christopher Street,
I just can't stop.
Christopher!
Christopher, did you come all over this street?
Goosey.
Yeah, whenever I'm in the West Village
at Stonewall, you know, it's just
really
just meeting some guys.
Just hanging out.
March.
Just guys like it.
Smells like cum.
I was in the West Village when you guys were out of town and I took a picture.
I was like, yeah, I'm getting a chance to finally explore the city while you guys are, you know, out of town.
Living life, dude, doing acid by a pool.
I was out a clown.
I went to Detroit to be with my clown.
Oh, we also have a wicked clown love in two to four days.
Whenever shipping arrives, the three of us got a big surprise for the fans.
Oh, yeah, it's good.
You guys are gonna love it.
What are you talking about?
I'm the dildo to put in Adam's ass.
No, that's oh, you know what?
I want to do I want to get a
mold of both of your asses and then a mold of my dick and then fuck the ass your asses.
What would you get out of my dick?
It would be funny.
It would just be funny.
Wouldn't it be funny?
It's funny because your dick is already covered in mold.
Yeah.
I know it is true.
It's clean.
It's clean and nice.
You don't even have a dick.
You just spilled a bunch of shit on your lap.
It's just a stalagtite made out of old.
No, it's a nice penis.
Thank you very much.
No, it looks like the head of an onion.
I like the top.
That's not bad.
What's wrong with that?
I'm just saying.
Onions are very flavorful
and a great ingredient ingredient for lunch.
I'm jealous, dude.
I'm just telling you that I'm cut and I'm sorry.
Exactly.
It looks like that because you're mutilated.
I'm just saying that
you're a little bit of a drink.
Stav's dick looks like an asshole that
kissed a cold pole in the middle of winter.
And then he tried to pull it off and he couldn't.
And he got stretched out.
Yeah, it's like the fucking Christmas.
What's it called?
Christmas story.
Story, yeah.
It looks like a calamari that's about to go out of the kitchen in a restaurant, and then the head waiter is like, don't serve that.
And then they take it off and they quickly throw it in the garbage
before it ruins the reputation of that.
Your loved ones suck on that little calamari.
That's a mari.
You know what?
I'm owning it.
I'm owning it.
I'm going to start calling my dick my calamari, dude.
Come give my little calamari a suckle, dude.
You want to suckle my little calamari?
I don't think anybody does.
That's
very sexually desirable.
What an awful fate to be
to spend time with a a loving, nice man like myself.
Yeah.
Have a good time.
That's all I can do.
Go to a dinner.
They like to be abused.
They like to not be looked at in the eye
while you drink yourself to sleep.
The mulling glory did.
Right.
While Ringo's describing the ringo I've never been in.
I put on a copy of Cars 2 to drink myself to sleep at 5:30 p.m.
She's ways to your anniversary.
She's just crying.
She's at the macaroni grill you convinced her to go to, ironically, waiting for you.
Yeah,
when they fucking undershoot, they think you're like your dad, or their dad, but then you're like way worse.
There's a much,
much shittier version.
Well, ladies, if your dad's a little cuddly motherfucker, you're in luck.
Because that's me.
And if your dad is
a woman,
if you're raised by lesbians, you're in luck because Adam's here also.
What do you mean?
Oh, I am like a lesbian mother?
I'm like, women like you because you remind them of their mom.
Yeah.
Did you ever see that movie, The Kids They're All Right?
Oh, when Julian Ward
gets that Punani worked over by Ruffalo.
Yeah,
Mark.
Mark Pipes.
Mark Pipes up.
A lot of people were upset.
Mark Pipes Ruffalo.
Mark Pipes Ruffalo, baby.
Yeah, a lot of people were upset about that.
They were like,
you know that she fucked up.
I thought about a movie called Chodiak,
where it's a guy going around town raping people with a fucking
three-inch long, nine-inch wide dick.
Chodiak.
I will keep fucking
until the San Francisco Times publishes a picture of my dick, a life size, on the front page.
Jodiak, that's very good.
Thanks, man.
What did we have at the live one?
It was another
very good character.
Oh, it was that
really hot 30 minutes.
You know what?
I have it on my front house.
I'm going to listen to it.
We should put it up even on a cell phone recording as bonus quality.
People would bitch about me at the audio quality of the live shows, and it's like, I don't know how to make it any better.
It would always make it.
Maybe people are upset we don't post them anymore.
We should should at least post them because I don't think people are a little like 23 minutes up in our opening.
This month it was good.
Yeah, I'd felt bad because it would make the comics sound like they were bombing because I couldn't get the audience right.
Well, that's why I'm saying we should just do our thing from now on.
Yeah, if you weren't at the show, you missed our hot Chester Bennington chunk.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was pretty good.
We did have some good riffs on Chester.
R.I.P.
God needed another front man.
R.I.P.
to a legend.
God was tired of listening to Chester.
Yeah, we had a couple of Chester bangers in there.
Yeah.
Why couldn't it have been Chester Cheetah?
Did we say that?
No, we didn't.
No, we didn't.
That's the new one.
But also, never say that about Chester Cheetah.
Well, he can't die.
I love Chester.
You know what's a funny family guy joke is when he's like, I forget even the setup, but it's just Chester the Cheetah doing cocaine and listening to Rush.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's Cheeto dust, I think.
Oh, yeah, that's what it is.
Yeah, that is a great joke.
Remember calling someone Chester the Molester growing up?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a great bit.
Well, we got a new Chester Cheeto in town, folks.
President Donald J.
Trump.
Yep, I went there.
I'm political.
Government Cheeto.
Yes.
Excuse me.
You Cheeto
the Commander in Cheeto.
Hashtag the resistance.
We're going to resist him by not particularly changing any aspect of our lives because we're rich New Yorkers
with rich parents and who never really had to worry about anything anyways.
And will never
be willing to change casually crews into TV writing jobs that were given to us.
Because our parents paid our rent.
Yeah, I had to be a paralegal for eight years.
I love fucking eating ass.
Yeah.
You've been eating ass?
I've been taking some swipes.
I got a creative,
constructive criticism on the show that Stav doesn't ask the have you been fucking question.
I'm sorry.
I hate that question.
That's a great question.
It's so obviously we've run out of things.
No, it isn't.
It absolutely is not that question.
I really want to know
how much fuck.
Every time you say that shit, I fucking know.
Well, anytime he says that, I get in trouble because I like share too much.
Here's the problem, dude.
That's because you don't, dude, that's the difference between us.
I'm an empathetic man, dude.
I want to hear how my boys are fucking.
I want to riff.
I want to know how they're going to be.
I want a riff.
I want to rape.
rape.
Wow, he's going to be a good one.
I want to rape.
This is why you're so bad at the songs, dude.
What?
I want to rape.
I want to rape.
How long have we been doing?
That's pretty good.
Write that one down, folks.
Whatever autistic cumboy has been compiling all the fake songs, I want that on the.
I want that on the spreadsheet.
Another 11 minutes.
Another 11 minutes.
Oh, consentatori, that's another good one.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that was with the live show.
Consentatori.
Hey, consentatore.
The one Italian man who doesn't rape.
The respectful Italian.
Japanese thing we were doing.
Maybe it was Japanese.
I love that people just think definitively.
They're like, rape jokes are not funny.
You can't do them.
And then you can just still be a guy that's like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to continue doing them.
And there's really nothing they can do about it.
Absolutely nothing.
Continue to enjoy your life.
You just don't have to argue with them about it.
You just move it.
Who would get mad about going, I want to rape?
A million people.
Millions of people.
Probably more than 50% of Americans.
Yeah, that's true.
That have been programmed to think that in no circumstance is it ever okay to mention it in a fucking humorous context because that was decided you know three years ago online and that's just how it is stuff yeah
I suppose that's correct well Adam you brought it up have you been fucking?
Have you been raping?
That's the real question.
Have I been raped?
Is that your question?
No, last week, no.
I've been raped.
All right, now you got the end.
I've been raped.
Like, are you okay, man?
Well, did I sing the song wrong again?
Oh, shit.
No, no, it's just
a tie.
I messed up.
I didn't mean to sing it that way.
Yeah, I done had sex with the earring.
I just sexually
been at the gym with the earring.
I went to the gym the first time with
respect.
That's where both of those things happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In a fucking locker room.
I caught sexual ring.
You accidentally stepped into the leftmost shower, which is reserved for casual encounters.
Caught up with my old friend Gianni, and he taught me how to explain.
He's explode through the hips.
You know what I mean?
The hips and the sphincter.
Yo, how could I fucking quit you, bro?
That would be so good.
A fucking broke broke back mountain with Italians.
Broback Mountain?
Yeah.
Broback Mountain.
Well, you literally have a broken back from squatting.
That's true.
That's true.
It's a new.
Yeah.
I've never seen Broke Back Mountains.
It was not from squatting weights, I'll say that.
I've never seen it either.
But I feel like I've seen Brokeback Mountain.
It's boring as shit.
Doesn't he spit on guys and put it in his ass?
Yeah, when they're in the tent.
Yeah.
I saw that movie when I was 19 in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Nice.
Yeah.
And
it was was called
Parha Broke Back.
Was that the first time you hooked up with a guy?
No, but I watched
Israel movie name is Puss and Boots is just called Shrek's Cat.
Is it?
Yeah.
That's the Israeli title of Puss and Boots.
That fucking rules.
That's an awesome dude.
Yeah, honestly, I gotta say, like, maybe this is an unwoke take, but it's a pretty boring movie.
It's like too slow.
Yeah, no, you're supposed to cry.
You're supposed to cry.
Yeah.
Any movie, any movie that's got like.
It's not bad, but it's like, it's just It's a little too boring.
You think I heard they actually had sex penetrative?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's the top of the head?
That's how Heath Fledger died, dude.
Was Heath bottoming?
Heath was top.
Of course.
Jake Joe Hall is probably.
No.
People.
He's gay.
I say it all.
People say he's gay.
Don't say that about him, dude.
Wasn't he dating Taylor Swift?
We're going to get sued.
I was on the train, and I spotted across the train.
It was packed.
And some guy had a little Best Buy bag, and I saw the top of
night crawler coming out of the bag and i yelled across the train i said that guy's gay
everyone was like what i was like that the movie the movie you have that it's a gay guy
and then you know i got off at the they made me get off at the next oh really they made the conductor who skipped you out
imagine being such a nuisance literally homeless people shit beat off on the train imagine getting bounced off a fucking mta train oh you know have you guys you know what I read recently?
I read that pussy posse article a couple couple of weeks ago.
You've talked about it a bunch.
So there's this girl who they talk about that Leo Fucks.
And they're like, yeah, she's like a prep school New York City girl.
And when she was in high school, she kept like dating drug dealers from the Bronx in Harlem.
And like, she was like the bad girl in her class.
So I googled her to see if she's hot.
Is she hot?
It's Donald Trump Jr.'s wife.
Nah.
I swear to God.
Shut the fuck up.
I swear to God, she's mentioned in the Pussy Posse article.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you making that up?
Yeah, the New York magazine from like 97 or 97.
She used to fuck like a Bronx drug.
She got run through by the Pussy Posse.
Hold on, hold on.
We got to be real careful here because you described that as your discovery.
Did someone else tell you that Donald Trump Jr.'s wife
was the pussy posse woman?
No, I read it.
I read that in an organic piece of reporting by Adam Friedman.
No, first of all,
it's an article.
This would be your first big scoop.
No, it's a scoop.
I claim
responsibility for it.
Have you tweeted it yet?
No.
Why?
If he claims responsibility for it, you know for sure his ass stole that shit.
Stole it from who?
Fucking Cronka.
It's a fun maker.
Cronka.
Cronkai.
The president is dead.
By the way, Donald Trump Judge's wife got ran through by some Moroccan goons in the Bronx.
Got fucked by some Puerto Rican drug dealers in the 90s.
When she was 15.
Rules.
Yeah, it rules.
So you think he gets cucked now?
He must.
They have like 20 kids.
He must get cucked.
They have a million kids.
He must get cucked by black guys.
I mean, he looks really stupid.
Don Jr.
is the one with the black hair or the blonde hair?
Black hair.
Yeah, but half those kids are actually Donald Sr.'s kids.
He enacted Primonography.
That's probably true.
On his own children.
Literally, he would.
Like, in two generations.
In a world where there's like no laws, Donald Trump definitely fucks.
A,
absolutely fucks his daughter.
I mean, that guy sucks so bad that he's primonoctis on all his sons' wives.
That guy sucks so bad that Donald constantly shows Jared favoritism over him.
Yeah.
That's how bad you are.
Imagine that, yeah, how much of a bitch asses both your sons are.
For you to have to find a new son, and it's fucking Jared.
He's probably just jealous Jared gets to fuck Ivanka, dude.
You think he ever sucks Jared's dick
freshly after he fucks Ivanka because the pussy juice is still on there?
It's like, hey, commendatory, fuck my daughter.
I call him drump.
Oh, good.
That's
the resistance.
That is resisting on your part.
Computer, turn the lights on.
Turn your lights on, dude.
You've been wearing a pussy hat this whole episode.
We haven't mentioned it.
What?
A pussy hat?
Yeah, I'm just gonna hit the hat.
Oh, the
little pink pussy hat.
The pink pussy hat.
But um bad um but um but um but um but um that's the pink panther.
But um but um
sock my dick, my dick, sock my dick, my dick, and suck my dick
on that.
Woo!
Woo!
Effect of U.S.
military ban on transgender troops remains to be seen.
How is that a headline?
I don't know.
Something's gonna happen.
I don't know what to do.
Are we gonna riff on some headlines?
The topical portion?
Yeah, sure.
Opinion: Dana Perino, advice for Sarah Huckabee Sanders from one female press secretary to another.
Uh-oh.
Wait, she's Mike Huckabee's daughter?
Yeah, well, she's Bernie Sanders and Mike Huckabee.
I've made that joke.
I made that joke, you fucking idiot.
Yeah, come on.
It's right there in the middle.
You're going to take credit for that.
I made that joke that
was the first.
I was the first.
I can retard.
You know another one I made up?
The plane should be made out of the black box.
No, that one's actually.
You know, here's what I made up.
The plane should be made out of the Quran.
Problem solved.
There we go.
You're going to fly that fucking piece of shit book.
The pedophile.
I love when people like...
They say it's a pedophile.
Yeah, they're like, Muhammad was a pedophile.
Like, you know, I didn't read the Quran.
So I guess Muhammad fucked.
Is that what happens?
Everyone was a pedophile up until like 1980.
Yeah, but Jesus didn't fuck with him.
Muhammad smoked weed, though.
Actually, Tom Myers has a bit about it.
He's like, you know, people say that Muhammad.
You see that exchange on Twitter between that guy and Tom Myers?
Yeah.
Growing up in Reisterstown, you were my favorite comic.
Tom's poor ass literally believed me though.
But did you see what he said?
They were like, what's your most memorable shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Experience
comedy.
When he did that strip club in Vegas.
And there are pictures of Tom at that gig with strippers.
They're online.
You can find them.
At least they're on Facebook that are unbelievably fake.
It's so funny that he's so trapped in that delusional world that he thinks that would be like a serious inquiry from somebody.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, he thinks you're sicking people on him.
You're sicking your friends on him.
He believed that was real.
He believed that there was a fan.
No, that's what I thought.
First of all, how long has Tom been doing comedy?
Let's say 10 years, right?
So someone longer.
Someone growing up as a child idolized Tom Myers.
Oh, my boy's eating Edamame.
Yeah, Tom did DM me.
Guys, please stop harassing Tom Myers.
He said he'll never appear on the podcast.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I love him, dude.
I love him.
I invited him on.
Whom you actively engage in making fun of him.
No, I love shit that I fucking hate the people.
No, no, no.
Like, oh, this autistic guy that I gawk at.
People do that with BB.
Yeah, they do it with all this shit where you're making fun of and exploiting a retarded person.
Just
encourage to say that I accept that.
Stop pretending like you have some affection for him.
I accept that, but I also think that there is something.
I am happy.
There is something like there is some sort of comedic, not comedic merit, but there is some sort of artistic merit to someone continuously running.
Like, it's like
Sisyphus, like rolling the boulder up there.
He's like, literally, every single one of his jokes is like, he has a premise.
That Mickey Cuchella video.
Yeah, the Mickey Mickey Cucilla video.
Holy shit, Tom Myers.
Yeah, yeah.
You are the world's worst comedian.
Yeah, every single punchline is such a letdown.
Dude, poor Mickey's on some weird, like,
like, uh, internet radio shit or some shit.
I don't know what's going on.
He had some vape shops.
I mean, he probably was making like
he has to be low.
On 98 Rock?
I don't think so, man.
Then, then he didn't.
I can't imagine that you would be on, like, you would be the biggest voice on a fucking like multi-market he wasn't on that long it was only like four or five years
no it was long probably making six figures no it's got to be long that because I used to listen to Mickey and Amelia they had the afternoon show he was only on the morning show for like four or five years yeah but the afternoon show you still make fucking money I used to listen to Mickey and Amelia for like years I listened to that show and he did he's actually not a bad show he's a good he's a good broadcaster he is he is I fucked with that show yeah
No, but I remember, I think I was talking to Joe Robinson about it one time because Joe was employed by them.
And he was like, yeah, he's got to make like
six figures.
You think so?
Yeah.
I think if you're like morning zoom radio,
you make six figures.
But the guy's got a bunch of major cities.
And it's like 98 Rock is the biggest radio station there, and it competes with DC 101.
So.
How much longer do you think there's going to be, like, are rock stations going to...
Do people listen to.
Well, people are in the car.
But, like, old.
Yeah.
I don't listen to rock stations.
Do you know what I mean?
Rock stations?
Like that kind of format.
You also don't really commute.
That's true.
I mean, do you know what?
Does people listen to that?
I would listen to that shit all the time, and it wasn't because, like, ooh, I got to hear Mickey and Amelia.
It's because I'd be driving home from work.
But now people are doing podcasts.
They are doing podcasts, but I guarantee you, if I had to drive every day, I wouldn't fucking download podcasts to listen to commute.
I would just listen to whatever's on the radio.
I used to despise Elliot in the Morning.
I fucking hated that show.
Yeah.
That guy's got a real annoying laugh.
Yeah, he does.
I would listen to it every day.
Yeah.
You know?
I listen to the Junkies.
You ever fuck with the Sports Junkies, dude?
No, you only listen to the music.
They would take Donkey.
I would only listen to fucking Elliot and
Nicky Arrell.
Yeah.
Yeah, the Junkies were on HFS.
The Tom Joyner Morning Show.
Oh, that one's a good one, dude.
Yeah.
Ricky Smiley, did you ever catch him or are you gone by the time they started syndicating him?
The Ricky Smiley Morning Show?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You're that old dude.
Adam, what morning shows did you listen to as a child?
I listened to Stern a lot when I was a kid.
I never did anything.
And then I never would let you.
Well, in Vegas,
they had
drive-time magicians.
Radio magicians.
My friend's dad used to drive it.
And they would do a radio version of card tricks, which was somehow entertaining.
People would listen to it.
My friend's dad used to drive it, but now he's showing us the card.
It's amazing.
And it actually is the one.
It's the right one.
Take our word.
I'm seeing Tommy at a wedding next weekend.
The rabbi, the good rabbi?
No, the street magician.
The good rabbi and the men.
I'm seeing him on.
I'm going to L.A.
for a wedding next weekend.
God damn.
I ever tell you my theory that David Blaine is the fourth property brother.
David Blaine is in the pussy posse.
Yeah.
Also, mentioned in the sky.
This is another scoop of yours.
David Blaine's not a scoop.
It seems like he fucks.
David Blaine fucks a tremendous amount.
Yeah.
A tremendous amount.
Magicians do.
All magicians do.
David Copperfield fucked Claudia Schifford, dude.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a magic thing
that they make panties to do.
There was a kid in my school that was.
He would do card tricks.
You know, he'd always wear the tuxedo to every class and you'd do card tricks, and they caught him with like a shit ton of roofies.
I mean, you know they fucked.
I think there definitely is some sort of cross-section between magic and PUA culture.
You know, they're both trying to
run one over on people.
You know?
Oh, yeah.
Rub one out on people.
Rub one out.
Do you ever just beat off on someone?
Like after, like to pull out and then comb on someone.
Yeah, that's like a normal sex.
I am asking.
It's not beating off on someone.
I mean, sometimes a little longer than immediately.
You know?
Oh, I like to leave it into the longer.
I've straight up just jacked off on people.
Me too.
Oh, like mutual masturbation?
No.
Oh, just strangers on the bus?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I like to just hang glide and I beat off while I'm hang gliding.
And then wherever my couple has to land, they think
damn seagulls.
They're like, what is that, an eclipse?
That's what happened.
I didn't know there was supposed to be a lunar eclipse, a total lunar eclipse today.
No.
It's some morbidly obese man jacking off his eyes.
Hopefully, he didn't have anything to do with that seagull to your shit off me.
That's how I want to go out, dude.
I want to fucking die beating off.
It has to have happened one time.
A guy beating it off while glidering right, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
And if not, I'm going to be the first.
Who's the kid's book of world records for most times jacked off while hang gliding?
Well, some Korean guy killed himself jacking off too much.
Oh, yeah.
Just in general, not a hang glider.
I think there was also a turkey,
a Brazilian kid that, like, fucking locked himself in his his room and jacked off like 72 times in one day.
And then his mom like opened the door and he's just dead.
His fucking like pink ass dick.
He's like rug-burned cock.
That shit's hilarious.
A true soldier, salute.
If you come,
I don't think I've ever come more than like five or six times in a 24-hour window.
Oh, yeah.
I think in middle school I hit seven or eight.
And once you start crossing that line, it hurts.
Well, it's not that your dick hurts.
I mean, you can get through that.
It's like physically exhausted.
Yes.
You have like chest pains and shit.
And your dick like pumps out a couple dry ones.
Like your daddy.
No, the dry ones kind of hurt.
Yeah.
I saw some shit on Reddit that was like, I don't know what the sub subreddit was, but it was like
it was like ogre caverns or something, or it was like fucking fail basements.
It was like a listing of fat guys that are like, check out my setup.
You know,
computer room.
Somebody had like a computer set up and then on the desk was like a toilet paper roll like the the the whole holder it's so
the toilet paper roll just sits there
delusion
hell yeah
my man fucking took took some power tools to that motherfucker that's a good setup
we should celebrate him
but there was one it was like a schematic of like
a design for like you know a gaming area and it was a room you could seal seal yourself in, like, you know, like fucking came out like three feet from the wall, like a photo booth almost
with a recliner chair.
And then there was something that attached to the guy's dick in the drawing that just said urine collector/slash ejaculator.
Oh no,
what the fuck?
This thing you just piss and
game that much?
Big fat guy.
Oh my god.
Yeah, that shit made me laugh.
Do people piss so people game in diapers?
That is tragic, dude.
Do people get diaped up to games?
Planned.
He fucking fired up AutoCAD 3D and fucking put a thing to beat off in.
Hell yeah.
But it's just like the idea that, like, because imagine if it's a moment.
It's by the off chance he meets some like 80-pound blue-hair woman.
She's the kind of woman that fucks a guy like that.
Right, right, right.
And she comes over and sees the dick sucking machine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's like, never mind.
I'm going home.
I think I can stay here.
And then he just fucking blew his only shot to fucking get a nut off.
Nah, that woman was somebody doesn't like herself.
Would she?
Yeah, dude.
They're going to fuck that, dude.
They're going to get those fucking.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's exactly like I expected.
Like, it's one thing to, every once in a while, piss in a Gatorade bottle.
But the fucking plan it out is wild, dude.
Although I've never beat off into a Gatorade bottle.
No.
No, I can't say I have.
I can't say that I have.
Okay, how about this?
Where's the strangest place you've beat off into?
I jacked off in the woods one time.
That's good.
Into the woods?
Well, I was into the place.
I was walking around in the woods, and I was like, I could just jack off out here.
That's what the woods are for.
The woods.
I used to beat off.
I mean, this isn't super strange.
I did it while driving.
Oh, whoa.
I was like speeding.
I've beat off one time.
I was speeding, and I was like, I should jack off right now.
And I jacked off, just nutted all over the steering wheel.
Were you turned on by the horsepower?
No, it was just like a funny thing to do.
I went on a run from like, I'd say about 16 to maybe 19 where I felt like
at first I thought it was funny, and then I had a compulsive thing where I had to jack off on planes.
Really?
Yeah.
Because I get bored because I'd like fly like cross-country, and then when you're like 16, your libido is like super high.
Five hours is like a long time to go and not think about jacking up.
So I jacked off.
I've jacked off on plenty of plans.
I got walked in on one time and I fucking elbowed the door back.
Yeah.
Oh man.
It was so scary.
I don't think they could tell I was jacking off, but I fucking elbowed the door back.
It was this old lady.
They could probably tell because you had your legs pulled up over your head.
And then the old lady goes in.
I was stuck in my own day.
You're trying to beat off anyone.
I was doing a self-suck
in an airplane bathroom.
The old lady goes in there after you and just starts flicking her fingers.
I hope
out I do this.
Her old long clit.
Do old ladies' clits get longer?
Yeah.
They get, I think, more dignified.
You know, it's funny.
That's my opinion.
Have you ever seen that picture of that old woman's pussy?
But if you turn it upside down, it's a beautiful young woman's pussy.
It's all about perspective, man.
It's an optical illusion.
Very, very nicely done.
That is
Picasso, I believe.
Suck greatest painter.
Shut up, bitch.
Suck Cox.
It's not?
Yeah, no, he's not.
It's definitely not.
Is it?
Picasso's not the best painter of all time.
He's really good.
Yeah, he's
like the most famous one.
Banksy.
Jim Davis.
No, the guy did Family Circus.
Yeah, that's another gay gym.
Those Indian guys in Times Square that will draw your daughter with a big nose.
What about those bullshit like spray paint?
It's the moon, but they just smack anything?
This shit is not cool at all.
It's so funny the shit that's like
I guess I mean maybe if because I do it when I'm out of town, I'll go to like the you know fucking touristy place.
Yeah, the touristy place because fuck it, why not?
But like they write your name on right
being tricked.
I know dude.
It's so funny.
You know those remember there was a thing where they'd like make your name, it was like a you'd get like a painting or like a frame thing your name out of like dolphins?
Do you remember that?
You probably did that because you like stuff like that.
No, I wasn't into that shit.
You're like, Daddy, can I get the dolphin name?
Daddy, I used to.
Stop baying crap!
I used to get that like devoy dolphins, the sharks.
I used to always ask my parents.
He got you in with dolphins and then fed it two sharks.
He made you watch him destroy it.
I just, I'd fucking hurt my ball scratching them just now.
So I think we have to end the show.
What do you mean you hurt them?
You hurt the actual testicle or you hurt the skin.
Yeah, you tough to scratch.
Yeah, I scratch too hard.
My balls.
I do that sometimes.
and i'm sick to my stomach sometimes i'll stretch i'll spread my balls out like real stretch them out and get a nice scratch
ever do that yeah you know what i'm talking about yeah i like to put a bunch of uh
those rubber bands you use to keep lobsters from pitching you yeah around my ball sack i like to hang my i just take clothespins and put my balls on a on a line and just let them you know really stretch them out till they're translucent me too yeah ball stretching is like a fetish thing right and then get a get a back scratcher that would actually probably feel really good good.
I know we're doing bits, but if you were to stretch your nutsack out and then have someone go at it with a back scratcher, that would feel good.
And that's the show, everyone.
All right, good night.
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