Ep. 51 – I want to go home

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And you do the radio?

Are you a big radio

person?

Like on the radio?

Am I on the radio?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Doing traffic.

Yo, there's a lot of fucking cars out there.

Oh, 405.

Stay clear of it.

Still sad.

I really don't understand the point of traffic reports.

I don't either.

I'm not sure.

I'm still on.

I'm thinking about that.

And it's like.

So used to.

Just get a phone.

How do you have a car and you don't have a phone?

Especially in Los Angeles where they could be giving you traffic reports 60 miles away from you.

Why do you need to know about what's going on?

I'm like, there's a lot of 17 to 10 to 10.

Yeah.

Always.

Dude, I fucking hate receives.

I've never heard a traffic report that was relevant to me.

Yeah.

I think it's just to keep helicopters in business.

Yeah, it is.

Is it?

You know what?

It probably is.

You say that.

That's like 60% of the helicopters.

It's probably got to be the helicopter unions.

How many news channels are there?

What, like eight?

I was laughing about.

Do you guys know about the ALPA, the pilots' union?

No.

Like they're in a dispute.

They're in like contract negotiations with Spirit and all the like pilots have been like engaging in like an illegal work slowdown.

And like,

yeah, there's like a restraining order from the court against like the pilots because they were just like not flying planes and it caused a riot in Florida.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Which is like, I'm pretty pro-labor, but.

Like just do your job.

I know.

I'm so anxious.

Don't be a goon, you know, and cause a fucking riot.

Especially when you fly for Spirit.

You know how ready all of those passengers are to fucking murder somebody?

If, like, you not doing your job causes someone to join ISIS, then, like...

That's on you.

I feel like that's not on the pilots.

I feel like I'm so anti-airline right now.

Like, whatever anybody does to just fuck with it, I'm here for it.

Yeah, but it's an emergency.

They're like mad about their compensation package, which is like already huge.

I mean, they should get whatever they're asking for, but like, it's not a strike.

They haven't reached the end of their contract.

Right.

They're just being.

I mean, they're literally acting illegally to

fuck up air travel.

Yeah, on the most trash airline.

Yeah, right.

No, I understand, but I sort of support them just because, like, when I've worked shitty jobs that I hated, I did a bad job.

Okay, airline pilot isn't a shitty job.

Minimum compensation has got to be like fucking $100,000 a year.

I don't know.

And I know that because I sold a car to a pilot one time and I saw his fucking how much money he makes.

So they all make that same amount as that guy.

They bought a fucking navigator.

Still buying a car from

what, 18-year-old you?

Yeah.

Wait, you used to sell cars, bro?

Yeah, briefly, yeah.

Yeah, you were a hustler, bro.

You used to sell cell phones.

Well,

that's how I went from cell phones to

working at a gas station.

And then I went into the car dealership.

I'm like, look, I already got sales experience, and I know gas.

So it was good.

Wait, why do you need to know about gas?

You don't really.

Oh, cool.

But they're like, oh, so you know where they go to do it.

They do.

They love me.

They were so excited to hire me at that dealership.

It was like a family dealership or whatever.

And then I was just like always showing up drunk and fucking looking like shit.

And

just

a real disappointment to that poor family.

I think they went out of business.

Oh.

I remember one time when you were back in D.C., we like went to some pizza place and you were trying to get a job at probably the most depressing pizza place I've ever seen.

Yeah, I'm a

career pizza man, yeah.

Yeah.

It was bleak and the guy was like, I can't pay you minimum wage.

I can't give you minimum wage from the 90s.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Yeah, dude.

I worked at Papa John's, Domino's,

someplace called Johnny's,

and then Jerry's Subs and Pizza.

I worked at Wegman's Pizza in Woodbridge.

That's cool.

Yeah, when that pizza.

Wegman's is the one that people respect, though, right?

The thing about pizza is that, like, the guys that get in there just stay there for the rest of their lives.

And it's like sort of depressing, but it's also such an easy job.

You just eat pizza all day and get high in

behind the store.

Yeah.

Wegmans didn't really have the get-high area, but you made get high after you left.

You go to like one music festival a year.

There's always somebody that's like going to Bonnaroo or something.

I remember being lectured at Domino's because I didn't smoke weed.

They were like, oh, by the way, everyone smokes weed here, so feel free to just get high.

Oh, it was the noise.

It was.

It was that slice of pizza from the Pizza Hut early 90s commercials.

That gas station, not the gas station.

I worked at a car dealership too.

I was in my head about that shit.

Lindsay Chevrolet, that was the sweetest gig.

I used to steal gas.

You remember Coons?

Oh, of course.

How did they get away with that?

I have no idea.

They're still rocking.

There's a place, too, called Blue Knob Automotive that was like a mid-Atlantic dealership.

I used to see

whatever the little stamp is they put on cars.

Blue Knob Automotive, yeah.

Which is like a blue dick tip.

I live down the street from a Lube Masters.

It's Lube Masters.

Oh, yeah, any type of Lube Masters.

How about this?

this?

Pube masters.

Jiffy pube.

Now we're going there.

I want those quick pubes that you guys promise.

Every 3,000 miles.

Or like a Chinese guy going to Jiffy Lube.

That's a fun character.

Ooh.

Imagine him trying to say the name of that place.

Dana, what was that hilarious story you told the other day?

No.

You got to tell us.

No, I don't want to tell you.

You shouldn't have told me.

I know.

I should not have told you.

Okay.

You're not in any jeopardy here.

I know.

It's not even.

I mean.

It's very funny.

Well, basically, there's a very nice lady from Taiwan that works in my office, and we were talking about.

For the listeners out there, Taiwan is over there.

Yeah.

It's a part of China.

Yeah.

Very similar to Japan or Korea or Vietnam.

It's another China that

broke off

when regular China decided to become even more Chinese.

Yeah.

They were like, I'm not doing extra chopsticks.

Yeah.

Get me out of here, you know.

Yeah.

So Taiwan, you get, there's,

they get two fortune cookies, I think.

Is the cultural difference between the two.

With every purchase.

Try cleaners.

Have you ever seen those racist businesses from Taiwan?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're so like isolated, I guess, like culturally, that they don't understand

like...

racism, like American racism towards like black people.

So they just think it's like funny.

They have like a toothpaste called like darky darky toothpaste with like a black-faced guy on the toothpaste.

He's got extra white teeth.

Well that's why that was like the point is because like you can have your teeth as white as like a black guy.

And just a lot of like really offensive store names that I can't remember.

You know the one I'm talking about.

I can't remember what it is, but I can't remember if they use the N-word king.

That's just the name of it.

It's literally the N-word king, yeah.

And it's like, I think it's a chicken pain.

No, it's a shoe store or something though it's like a culture store shoes and chicken yeah no

people yeah well then there would be no other name for that store that's aptly named if it's shoes and chicken and mixtapes what else are we gonna call that store they got a combo packet yeah maybe maybe the problem is king you know maybe it should be emperor

but

it's right on point you know that's what i was wondering if either of you guys have ever been called the n-word i know nick i i'm pretty sure you have just somewhere in your travels.

Yeah.

But Dana, that would be interesting.

Maybe you're on a bus and some lady was like.

It's weird because for white people, like being called the N-word is like that scene in The Matrix where Neo discovers he can dodge bullets.

You think it's going to be a problem, and then you're like, Trinity, help!

Like, oh, I guess I'm the one.

And then people are saying the N-word at you and just stop all the N-words with your hand.

I don't think I have

the one man born inside the N-word who has the power to control it.

Yeah, and then lots of other people are.

Which is because I'm pretty sure, like, the architect guy from the second Matrix, that's he probably looks exactly like the guy that invented the N-word.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that's weird to think that a guy came up with it.

That there was some like southern businessman that's like, fellas, I got an idea for you.

I want special

knitted on a pillar.

I got,

I almost got arrested because I called a cop the N-word one time.

Really?

Was it a black cop?

Yeah, it was like an older black dude, and they don't really play that.

Yeah.

Depending on who you talk to, you know, depending on which barbershop you went to,

either you're down or you're not.

And I was working the door.

It was a soft day.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were like went up to a black cop.

No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was at the women's march and just got a little too, I got a little too riled up outside of it.

And I just

Let the first parking enforcement dude I saw have it.

I probably said this already on the show, but I was laughing about you go to the women's march and you're like, Yeah, slut walk.

And everybody's mad.

You're like, what?

I thought you said that was the name.

I thought you wanted it to be called that.

It's not offensive.

You said it wasn't offensive anymore.

You told us to say slut walk in a pink sweater.

Yeah.

You have pussy hats on your head.

Yeah.

Because you're big sluts.

That's how it works.

What if it was how, like, kids, You remember when, like, kids were doing sex bracelets?

Yeah.

What if it was pussy hats instead?

That would just be fun now.

Are there sex bracelets?

Are you talking about when people would wear a bracelet?

Yeah, yeah, it was like,

no, yeah, and it was like, okay,

I've got a yellow bracelet.

That means I suck dick now.

Or I've got the green one.

Oh, I thought you had to break them, and then whichever one you broke, they had to do the thing.

I think different schools just had different rules.

Generally, it was sex acts.

Now I'm remembering, I remember some drunk girl when I was 15.

She like came, who is, she was like always a bitch to me.

And then she was like drunk and like was hand like,

you have to break this.

It means you have to fuck me or whatever it was.

I remember being disease.

Teens are disgusting.

It's so gross that teens have sex and it's

basically like being in like a co-ed like jail or something sort of.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

They've got like different rules.

Yeah.

It's a whole nother ecosystem.

Right.

And every jail has different rules.

Exactly.

And then you get out and you're like, oh, you guys didn't do this.

Yeah, what happened at your jail?

Do you ever do that shit where you like open up your laptop in the morning?

Like I use my laptop at work, so I was at work, and then you open it up, and then you forget what you were looking at, like the night before, like as you were going to sleep.

Well, I don't use my laptop at work.

Oh, what do you do with your phone?

Oh, your last browser.

And I went to sleep looking at like pictures of all the execution chambers in the United States.

I thought this was going to be about porn or something where where it's like, you look at weird porn.

And I'm like, I wonder why I'm depressed.

Yeah.

Doing serious research.

Did you learn anything?

No, I have like a morbid fascination with the death penalty.

It's very creepy.

I think it's barbaric and it should be illegal, but a part of me wants to be executed.

Hmm.

It's definitely a

pretty cool way to go out.

Not a lot of people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like being strapped.

It's such a horrifying way to die.

Yeah.

Is being strapped, especially the electric chair.

Yeah, well, I feel like I've read so many articles recently about the fucked up

injections with the like almost expired drugs that they don't even really know how it works.

Yeah, and they're just trying to kill more of them.

Yeah, and that to me is so much worse than the electric chair because it's just

lethal injection has the highest failure rate out of any method of execution that has ever been so awful.

So they had this like progression of the death penalty being like you know we were h hanging people and then they stopped doing it because a couple of people got decapitated and it's like it's pretty gruesome when hanging fucks up really the guillotine is like the best way to

clean up

or of the firing squad right but we can't yield any concessions to the french you know uh they already feel like they invented everything that's the thing i hate about the french i don't know if i've brought that up before but anytime the french make anything they have to like uh this is the uh it's the french computer no it's a bunch of the computer the french press press.

You know,

French fries.

Yeah, they hold on to their shit for a long time.

It has to be the French for a French toast.

That's why we call it the French guillotine.

Yeah.

Every time.

You have to specify.

Well, that was done during the Revolution.

So

they didn't even know they were France anymore.

They didn't have.

They didn't have a

king.

They didn't have a king.

They just killed them with this thing.

So it occupies this weird historical period.

It's very cool.

Yeah.

Motherfuckers are just eating pirouettes with no vision.

Well, anyways.

So then they came up with the chair because somebody saw someone accidentally get killed by an electric, by like a fence or some live wire.

And they're like, that would be a great way to murder a prisoner.

That was like the first thought that guy had.

Was that back in the time when they were like, we want to make this painful?

Or was the guy, were they like, this will be better for the prisoners?

No, I think

because of the cruel and unusual punishment clause, it was like always a oh, yeah, they have to pretend that it's yeah, they have to find a way to make it as not painful as possible.

So then shake your hand before you do the electric chair, and then the electric chair yielded to the gas chamber, which is like

horrifying because they drop like a gas.

It's a pellet that goes into I don't know, it's like a hydrogen chloride pellet or something, or that's the gas that it makes.

And then people are like, just breathe the gas, just breathe it.

And this guy like

like holding his breath as long as he can and like screaming and shit.

I thought they just sprayed like a bunch of fabuloso.

Yeah.

Like some Ajax.

Yeah.

Well it's clearly making people

drowning people is what what the fucking gas chamber is.

But I think it's more painful than drowning.

Because like

drowning supposedly once you get to a certain point, you just like drift off.

But if you're like breathing in a gas, then it's painful.

Yeah, that burns your lungs.

Yeah, then it's much more.

Well, it's also, it's absorbed through your skin, too.

So even if you're not breathing in, you're still being like subjected to like this awful poison.

Oh, shit, dude.

Yeah.

Just being dipped like a fucking cone.

Well, the first time they tried to do.

You make it sound delicious.

Yeah.

Right.

And then you turn it upside down like a cone.

I would love to get dipped like

make sure none of your shit spills out.

That's what they actually.

All the methods, they're trying to figure out a way to kill someone without them shitting when they die.

Ooh.

Because that's disrespectful to the executioner and the warden.

And the family.

Everybody has to watch that.

Yeah, everybody has to watch that kind of shit.

I was just saying, here, I got a solution.

Put a diaper on them.

Yeah.

Let's bring echoes back.

The electric diaper.

Yeah.

That'd be a cool

death penalty.

Very trendy.

I always feel like there would probably be one of those southern closeted wardens that's like, oh, we've invented a new method of me sucking his dick to death.

I don't like doing it, but it's the only way in God's Christian jail to make sure this man dies without torture is I personally have to suck his dick until he dies.

All right, everybody, close your ass.

I'm not sure if this is really the right way.

No, everyone, gather the family around to watch.

We got a gay man walking on the green mile.

We got a gay man walking.

Gay man walking on the green mile.

Boss it hurts, boss.

John Coffey being sucked off by Percy.

Fucking angry Tom Hanks.

Like, you got to swallow the cum.

Percy refuses to swallow it.

Yeah.

I thought the sponge was wet.

He's just giving me like a very toothy blowjob because he's a sadist.

Stop putting your teeth on it, Percy.

And that movie's called The Gay Mile.

That's a hit, baby.

Or The Queen Mile, maybe?

I like Queen Mile.

Yeah.

That's got a little crossover appeal.

Yeah.

Well, anyways, back to Dan Carlin's hardcore history

of.

Yeah, the first time they tried to do

Death by Gas, they just tried to pump gas into the guy's cell.

That just didn't work.

They're like, oh, yeah, we're just going to use a hose and try and kill him this way.

They just didn't want to take him to the execution chamber?

They didn't have one yet.

Then they had to make a hermetically sealed chamber to gas people in.

But then they did, you know,

lethal injection.

And lethal injection is like, it has like a 7.8% failure rate or something.

So you have like a one in 10 chance.

I mean, I'm sure it was 2012.

It works, but it just takes like an hour.

Well, it fucks up a lot.

Either they miss the vein or whatever.

And they can't get like,

I think you can't get medical professionals to participate because of the Hippocratic Oath.

So it has to be just jail shitheads.

And then they can't get, now they can't get one of the drugs.

That's why Arkansas has been killing.

They killed like 11 people.

They're trying to kill 11 people before the drugs expire.

Is that still up?

It's not up yet?

No, I think it's over yet.

Yeah, I think it was just last week.

That shit was a hustle, man.

You know, one guy died one time, and they were like, okay, let's kill everybody with this.

Let's just keep doing it.

What else are we going to do with these five things we bought?

Utah still has a firing squad.

Yeah.

That's what's up.

Which is actually, believe it or not, the only thing that has never had a botched execution.

That's

bullets undefeated.

It's so easy to kill someone with a gun.

Yeah.

The only thing I don't like about that, if you look at the chair they use, it's terrifying.

They make you an elementary school chair?

No,

it looks like

Darth Vader's

regeneration

capsule.

Yeah, it's this scary black chair with sandbags all around it to catch any stray bullets.

Oh, shit.

Just tie a guy to a fucking post like the old days.

I feel like if you're going to kill somebody by firing squad, they should get to design their own military outfit they wear in lieu of the final meal,

which Texas had to stop doing.

Did you hear that story?

No.

Yeah, they just stopped doing it because one guy's like, I want two buckets of chicken.

I want an ice cream sundae.

I want a full pizza, a Hawaiian pizza.

I also want pepperoni on it.

I want a lasagna.

I want chicken carbonara.

He like ordered this enormous meal.

I couldn't just not give that guy.

Well, they brought it to him, and he's like, I'm not hungry.

He just didn't eat any of it.

And then they're like, final meals are canceled, everybody.

That guy went to heaven.

The one guy who fucked around with the last meal.

That's terrible.

Why not, man?

I mean, if they're going to let you order anything,

why can't we do that as not felons?

You know how coupons have limits?

Yeah.

If a last meal dude gets to buy fucking eight buckets of chicken,

let me get the same.

Let me get the groupon rate round the clock.

Last meal groupon?

Yeah.

I need last meal level group on.

What would your last meal be?

I'm going to say pussy before anyone else makes that joke.

That's all you need.

The warden's wife's pussy.

Well, now

that's going to sound stupid.

Yeah.

The warden's dick.

Demand to suck the warden's dick.

I'm sorry, Warden, but he has.

It's his right.

To completion, boss.

He needs to have something to eat.

We got a gay man walking.

Everybody's wearing lace.

Yeah.

I don't know if that movie's good or not.

I can't decide.

Green Mile?

Thoughts?

I uh it's one of those movies where like I try to watch it and I'll fall asleep.

I've fallen asleep at every point in the Green Mile.

Is that a Stephen King movie?

Oh, j uh, I don't know.

That seems very Stephen King-ish.

Well, I was just gonna I think I already told you this, but I tried I watched um

fucking, what is it called?

Princess Mononoke this week, and I did fall asleep in that.

Of course.

Yep.

So you guys are right.

Too strange.

Very pretty.

Just put me to sleep.

You got to be on acid at a minimum to even try to get away from it.

You just got to be Japanese or obsessed with Japanese culture.

I feel like you got to be real into animation.

Because I did tell people I worked with, and I wish I hadn't.

And they were very, they seemed really sad that I didn't love it.

Yeah, I worked at the

BSO, the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, doing telefunding in the basement.

And everyone I worked with was, it was all these old-ass women.

And did I tell you that story about that?

There's that one old lady I worked with who was like very friendly.

And one day I was just sort of chatting with her casually.

I told you the story.

Oh my God, dude.

And she's like, well, yeah, I recently moved back to the city.

I was living in Salisbury, Maryland for a while.

And,

you know, I had to leave there because of some personal issues.

And I was like, oh, that sucks.

I'm like, Salisbury's kind of boring, though.

She's like, yeah, well, you know, I mean, I left because my home was invaded and I was beaten and raped and left for dead.

Fuck.

And I was like, because it's like a grandma.

I was like, Jesus Christ.

She's like, yeah, they broke in and they knocked, they

cracked my skull and they raped me.

And I'm pretty sure that the mayor's office was involved.

Government conspiracy to rape her.

So she's like, so I couldn't go to the police department because of, you know, being raped by the mayor, you know, or whatever.

Oh, my God.

And then she's like, yeah, just turns over my shoulder.

Oh, hey, Janice, how are you doing tonight?

You know, like,

completely breezing past this horrific SVU story.

But, yeah, when I was working there, like, I guess George Takai was coming to, like, the lyric opera house to, I guess, read memes or some bullshit.

And this fucking nerd I worked with, who

is easily one of the least attractive people I've ever seen in my life, this poor guy.

He's like looking at the brochure.

And I guess like as the shittiest, the lowest level employees, we got like some kind of discount or whatever.

They were describing it to me.

They're like, yeah, you can actually go see all of these programs.

And I immediately threw it in the trash.

I have no interest in

seeing anything involving the opera.

You know, or the fucking.

I go see movies, action movies, Steven Seagal, you know, that kind of stuff.

Hard Tartar.

Especially not George Takai.

I'm not going to go see Tarakar.

Well, that's different than that.

I'm going to defend the opera and stuff like that.

Hard Tartar.

It's better than George Takai.

You're thinking of

Hard to kill.

People make that mistake a lot.

All the time.

Yeah.

George Takai, though, he finds a season in the brochure and he's like, ooh, George Takai.

I had to go to the bathroom to laugh at him.

That happens a lot.

You have to go to the bathroom.

Me having to leave a room to go laugh at somebody.

That's nice of you to leave the room, though.

Yeah.

Respectful.

It really shows your maturity.

And I'm proud of you.

Yeah.

I told this story on the podcast.

I'm not going going to do it again, it'll piss off the people listening to the show.

They get real mad when I repeat a story, and it's all I know how to do.

The religious that's true.

As having been your friend for many years now,

I feel like I've, I mean, my main benefit is that I don't remember most of the stories that you tell.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Because eventually it's really like diminishing returns with the stories.

It'll be like, man, like nine years ago, I was a Burger King, and I was looking at the manager that stood,

ugliest guy I've ever seen.

They all start like

no, this is a real story.

The manager of the Burger King, he looked like a Burger King, man.

He looked like Napoleon Dynamite.

And I'm like, man, this dude never gets late.

And he turns around and he's got a huge hickey on his neck.

And I was like, I just learned a lesson.

Wow, don't judge a book by its cover.

The more you know.

That's what I'm doing.

But

I did.

I continued to judge the book by its cover.

I just saw more of the cover.

That could have been a bruise.

Inside cover of the forward.

Yeah.

Yeah, you read that.

It was just just a different about the author.

Yeah.

And the about the author was this guy fucked.

Has anyone done this observational bit?

You can totally judge a book by itself.

Because it's a book.

Yeah.

So it's for queers.

That's who reads.

That's not where I thought you were going to take that bit.

That's true.

All of my bits go to Homophobia Town.

That's true.

Yeah.

So I guess we should get into this James Comey thing

as the leading political podcast on the West Coast.

We might be, actually.

I mean, I don't know any other ones.

We have leading political.

We're not political.

There's no NPR in the West Coast.

We don't.

We're not allowed to edit it.

NPR out here, they just play like trance beats.

Yeah.

There's nothing real going on on there.

Right.

It's like a

guy that, you know, fucking went to yoga one day.

It's all traffic reports.

It's like, I used to surf, but now I do yoga.

Welcome to NPR San Diego.

Everything's pretty chill from over here.

Yeah, something like like that, I guess.

That's a good take on NPR Worlds.

We just

lambda.

That's a hell of a joke, right there.

I'm sorry.

No,

I also got nothing for that.

Yeah, I think we're all sorry.

I'm sorry.

How about Terry

not so gross, right?

Or extremely fresh air, right?

Because it's better here.

The air is

worse here.

Okay, it's not so fresh air.

It doesn't seem

like the fresh prince of Bel Air.

Hey, that takes place here.

Fresh air, but it's the

French press of Bel Air.

Bringing him back.

Yeah.

Is it gay to dance with your father?

We're talking about Luther Van Dross.

That's a good one.

Is that, I feel that's a weird thing.

For men to dance with their father?

If your dad was dead and you could bring him back,

dancing would be the last thing I would want to do with him.

Yeah, take that, Luther Vandross.

Is that a song?

Yeah, yeah.

Luther Vandross was in the closet for like all of his career and then like he was about to die and then he made a song about dancing with his dad.

And that was like technically him coming out, I guess.

Yeah.

Weird way to come out.

Yeah.

Really, you'd think that if he'd spent his whole life thinking about it,

maybe.

Don't bring up your dad.

Luther Vandross does.

He strikes me as a guy with no hobbies either.

I don't know what he did.

I think he just did shows and just sat in one room alone in the dark.

Yeah.

I mean, I think a lot of people don't have hobbies.

Yeah.

And it's especially when you can't be gay outside.

Yeah, you just sort of like hang out.

You can go be gay.

Rollerblading.

Perfect example of being gay outside.

Yeah, that is it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To rollerblade with my father.

Rollerblade with my father again.

And then just to like cut off shorts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sip on fucking Francia with my father again.

And do a bunch of other gay shit.

Come on, guys.

What are some gay guy things?

Wearing cool clothes.

Yeah, wearing cut.

Yeah, wearing cold.

Cut off shorts, Francia.

Francia.

Cool clothes.

Redecorate the house.

Boy, they love that.

Crown molding?

Yeah.

Something that

I think they're the only ones.

You know how gay guys love those coping saws.

They can't get enough of them.

Yeah, so James Comey was fired by Donald Trump.

I feel like I am the only person

in

my friend's circle that does not give a shit about this.

Yeah, because what's it?

I mean, he's just going to keep firing people that say he's bad, and that's just going to happen for three more years.

I don't even think he's like said that it's that he's bad.

I think it's like the issue is that they probably wanted to fire him a long time ago, and then they didn't, and then this is a way to do it where they get to look like they made some magnanimous gesture towards Democrats by defending Hillary Clinton.

I mean, that's what is weird about it, is the defense of Hillary Clinton,

but

because like it's like a bullshit play to make it look like they have principles, but it's so

it doesn't make it, it's so clearly not a principled play.

I know, but I don't think it's like that, I feel like he's just like a crazy, like,

you know, really

sort of angry man who does whatever he wants whenever he wants, and he just hit a breaking point.

Good analysis.

We'll be back on the McLaughlin group later tonight.

Tony Blankley tries to suck his own dick.

You sound and look just like that dude right there.

Yeah, oh, I'm surprised you haven't done your Homer Simpson impression yet.

I have.

I did it two weeks ago on the podcast when I was talking about

Adam's mom fucking dogs.

I don't know how we got into that, but

I don't remember that.

Marge, did you know that Adam's mom fucks dogs?

Doesn't take much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all.

All right, cool.

Great.

Is that close?

I can't, in my head, it sounds perfect.

Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, that was really good.

All right, give it to you.

Jamel, what's your take on the Comey stuff?

Maybe I should just call this the Homer Simpson podcast.

I rambled for a while.

It's your turn.

We got to talk about this James Comey thing.

Comey, that's not good.

Like a comb for your hair?

Doe.

Hi, Karumba.

It's me.

Hey, everybody.

It's me, Family Guy.

A perfect cross in between

the Family Guy Simpsons hybrid.

I was doing like a Dundal Comer.

That's fun.

Yo, it's me, Dundal Comer.

Is that a fun character?

Yeah, that's solid gold.

That's so good.

Dundal Comer is.

Keep that one going.

My only take on the thing is, I enjoy watching white people argue with each other.

It feels like it's never been at this level in America.

Yeah.

Of just whites versus whites.

For sure.

That's pretty cool.

That's a good take.

That's good.

Yeah, I like that.

I want to check out, dude.

I want to make enough money to get.

This is my new thing: getting into, I'm on a teak plantation.

All right.

Where I grow,

like, basically, I have a teak forest.

Yeah.

And I just grow teak trees somewhere down in the south.

A few hundred acres?

Maybe a little less?

Yeah, a couple hundred acres.

A couple hundred acres like a down.

Get a teak farm.

Then get the manor?

No, of course.

You need an estate out there.

Basically, it's like I was thinking about Django

and that plantation and how terrifying that scene is when they're going up to the plantation.

But like, not if you identify with Leonardo DiCaprio's character.

Then that's a movie about like the coolest life you could possibly have.

Yeah.

You know?

it's like going to cribs, yeah, right, savory cribs, yeah,

so I want

I feel like I kind of, but you can't own, I was looking at plantations, you can, they can, there's one you could buy for like $52 million

in South Carolina.

It's this like 11,000-acre plantation.

Is it listed on Radpad?

Yeah, it's on Airbnb

for $52 million.

But it's like, first of all, if you have $52 million, people already hate you, you know?

Yeah.

And you're already kind of, you're already.

You can't buy a plantation.

Imagine being a fucking billionaire.

And we're like, yeah, I'm just going to buy this.

I'm going to get this plantation.

And nobody's going to find out or criticize me when I buy a $52 million plantation.

But they, I mean, people do that all the time.

I don't know who buys plantations.

Well, it's not sold, is it?

Yeah.

Ooh, there you go.

Great point.

Yeah.

The only way you can buy a plantation now is for the most wokus of activities.

Well, I was saying, yeah, they they list them on there and it tells you when they're from, right?

And some of them are like, built in 1910, and you're like, all right.

But some of them are like, built in 1809.

You're like, you don't admit that.

Yeah, but

if it's after 1865, just say like, oh, yeah, we don't have the paperwork.

So I think it's from like the 80s.

I think this is like one of the newer, it's like a tech plantation.

Somebody made it back in like the 70s.

So it's definitely not like like

one of those plantations.

Definitely not.

No way.

I guarantee

you tortured.

Oh, yeah.

This house filled with hooks that's also on the property.

I don't know.

Don't look over there.

Don't look at it.

Don't get it.

Yeah, ignore that one.

It'll be a sunroom by the time you buy it.

Yeah.

You get it.

This

sandbox-looking thing on the front yard with a door on top.

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

I think maybe a dog lived in there.

But a very happy dog.

Definitely a happy dog.

Grass-fed.

Oh, no, those are owls.

Yeah,

you're just hearing owls coming to screams and stuff that'll never go away.

Yeah, it's an

Audubon.

Would you take a deal on a crib if you knew it had ghosts?

Absolutely.

I would love to live in a ghost house.

Yeah, why not?

In fact, I googled the haunted houses to buy.

I was like fantasizing about buying a haunted house.

Yeah, what can ghosts even fucking do to you?

Well, first of all, they're not real.

Yeah.

Did you ever go to that hospital, that like abandoned hospital in like

Glendale, Maryland?

Nah.

Is it an abandoned tuberculosis sanitarium that like friends of mine would go to, and they were like, we're going to eat mushrooms and go to that abandoned insane asylum?

Why do people always want to eat mushrooms and do extra skins?

I don't know.

Yeah.

It's like just the worst idea.

It's so terrible.

Being around more than 12 people on mushrooms is just as frightening as being in

a sane asylum.

I mean, being in like a poorly decorated house on mushrooms is bad.

Any of it.

If it's not like a beautiful day outside,

don't do it.

Yeah, well, they,

so people go to it in the middle of the night and they wander around.

They're like, oh, it's fucking haunted or whatever.

But you're just hearing other people

breaking into this

hospital and like running around it.

They're like,

it's ghosts or whatever.

Just one of your friends getting mugged.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

Being raped.

Imagine getting raped in that hospital.

Someone's like, I was raped.

And they're like, by a ghost?

A real person.

I would have to stop hanging out with all of those people.

I would love to be the SVU detective that's like going to have to chalk this one up to ghosts.

He's not doing his job.

Yeah, he's a really good detective, but he believes in ghosts.

So

sometimes he prematurely writes off these cases.

North Korea, guys, feelings?

Good, bad?

North Korea, good or bad?

Tony Blankly, stop sucking your own dick.

I think I'm on board the fact that I figured that the administration would have heard the last episode and cranked up the heat.

Like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Nick's at his time.

Let's get him.

But since we didn't bomb him yet, I think we're good.

Yeah.

I think we'll make it.

Yeah.

I think they'll make it.

Yeah.

I think eventually, I think by the end of the Trump administration, everyone in North Korea is going to have a laptop.

It would be great if Trump just keeps saying like dumb, threatening shit until there's like a coup or something and then Trump gets credit for toppling North Korea with speech alone.

That would be the funniest outcome.

The best.

I mean, everyone was saying that back when the election happened is like the funniest outcome is that if Trump is like an amazing president for the economy and shit.

Right, well, because every so often he'll say something where you're like, do you want universal?

Are you going to put universal health care on the table?

Because like maybe he could, because he's so easily persuaded.

Yeah, you just have to get the right people in there,

just send some famous person in there to try and convince him, flatter him a little bit.

I would trade healthcare for the plantation, to be honest with you.

I feel like I would become one of those people that pretends it's the 1800s and just avoid medicine.

You know, so you would, I would have some immigrant I hired to shave my face with a straight razor on the porch all day long

and just die of like eye fungus or what, you know, it didn't work.

wrapped in some blankets.

Yeah.

Right.

You get one of those hearing trumpets, you know, that

get a little closer.

Yeah, right.

What's that?

A gay man on the green mile.

I mean, if we could all get that instead of health care, that would be one thing.

Yeah, hearing trumpets.

Yeah.

Sear sucker suit.

Yeah.

Just awful dental hygiene from dipping all day long.

Tobacco

right off the ground.

It's just nothing.

It's the freshest tobacco you've ever had.

We don't have good health care, and we don't have, we don't, we aren't old white men on plantations, and it's like, I want one or the other.

Yeah.

What would you rather have, a gun or universal health care?

Gun.

Gun.

How big's the gun?

Because if it's a.22, give me health care.

Any fucking gun you want, dude.

Any gun I want?

Yeah.

I get the.40 cal.

What gun would you get if you could only get one gun?

I would get like a Magnum, like, you know, like a straight-up, dirty, hairy, fucking...

Yeah,.44 Magnum?

Yeah, yeah, with the barrel that's like a foot long.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen like a Desert Eagle in person?

No.

Or like one of those big-ass guns?

They're enormous.

It looks like a fucking joke.

Like, I don't know.

They're bigger than your forearm.

Oh, yeah.

Do they have the size of your head?

Do they have gun ranges in New York City?

I think there's one indoor one, but they've basically made it impossible to get a gun in or like carry a gun around in New York City.

Yeah.

I bet there's just a town in New Jersey that's all gun ranges.

You can't even carry a knife in New York City.

Like any kind of knife.

They're all butter knife.

Yeah, well, they use this antiquated law that made gravity knives illegal, which gravity knives are like a thing that existed in like the 50s, which is this big-ass knife that like unfolds.

It's like a huge switchblade, basically.

Okay.

But because they don't exist anymore, gravity knife is now this just vague umbrella term for any knife that a police officer can flick open with like the force of gravity.

So even if you have like a a Swiss Army knife on you, they'll like open it a little bit, and then, like, you know, if they want to charge you, and it has nothing to do with length, it's like knives that you can buy at like REI or whatever, and they'll like they've like fuck up people's lives with this bullshit legislation.

What if I want to cut the plastic things off my soda, man?

Yeah, no, yeah, I mean, if you have like priors or whatever, it'll destroy your fucking life.

Holy shit.

Yeah, when I was doing that truck job, I used to carry a knife on me, and I was always worried about it.

Yeah, you know, like, you know, you fucking do something wrong on a subway platform, and then they, you know, search you or whatever.

What the hell is this for?

That's crazy because it's killing cops, man.

It's a goddamn shame, man.

Won't let a white guy carry a knife no more.

Yeah, I know.

What is happening?

That's why you gotta come to Los Angeles.

Well, no, that's why I gotta get my plantation.

Yeah, for sure.

Do it every day.

Walk around covered in knives.

200 acres.

Knives only.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they've got a bunch of gun ranges in Burbank.

Yeah, I was looking at the plantations for sale, and one of them was called Cuckold Crossing.

No, it wasn't.

It was.

It absolutely.

I fucking, it was.

What's your internet?

It is Wubba Loba Dub Dub.

Wubba Luba what?

Oh, Wubba Loba W Dub.

Okay.

And the password?

Fresh coffee.

All lowercase?

Fresh coffee.

Now everyone's going to hack your Wi-Fi.

Let's go.

That's okay.

We should change it anyway.

So it's not even working

on my computer.

How many people in this building?

I don't know.

Yeah, cuckhold, crossing.

Every individual has their own Wi-Fi.

It's crazy.

I feel.

Yeah, we're all going to die soon from cancer.

Just internet waves pulsing through

your crotch right now.

Every part of your body.

If you're listening to this,

you're covered in fucking pulsars.

That's cool.

At least we're all going to die in like the same way.

That's fair.

Maybe.

Yeah, we won't need health care.

Yeah, maybe we'll all just, maybe they'll find a cure because everybody's dying of it.

Yeah.

What was funny is because they were like,

no, cell phones don't cause brain cancer or whatever.

And then like last year, they were like, okay, cell phones cause a little bit of brain cancer.

It's not really that.

Yeah, it does.

There's like a higher.

But the way they did the study is they like blasted cell phone radiation at mice until they got cancer.

Oh.

So they were.

But theoretically, it shouldn't be able to cause cancer because of the wavelength of the cell phone radiation.

I feel like phones update so fast they never got to finish the research.

Yeah, of course not.

Like there's scientists that are still working with like

Motorolas.

Colleton County, South Carolina.

Oh, yes.

Sold.

Somebody bought it.

Somebody spent millions of dollars on cuckold scrolls.

You know who was Skrelly.

You know who's Skrelly.

Right.

It'd be great if that guy, like immediately, that guy's wife fucks somebody.

And he's like, come on.

Very pretty.

This is the last thing I thought would happen.

Cuckold's Crossing.

How are you going to do me like this?

You're going to sully the name of Cuckold's Crossing.

Yeah.

Look at this.

It's gorgeous.

Yeah.

Is there a painting?

Do they have art of people fucking

art?

Yeah.

All the artwork there is just uh just fingernails embedded into the walls

of the cat.

Man, it's it's they why is why do those places still exist?

They serve they're like, we have to preserve it for historical purposes, uh,

you know, I mean, there's a conservation effort, we have to keep these beautiful old plantations around.

It's like just fucking destroyed.

It has nothing, there's no mention of slavery.

It's not like they're keeping Auschwitz around.

They're like, it's a beautiful house.

What if someone wants to live in beautiful Auschwitz?

Some millionaire can spend $52 million.

Turn Auschwitz into cuckold

crossing Germany.

Cuckold Manor.

Right.

The Vulcan cuck or whatever the German, I don't fucking, goddamn.

I wish I knew German.

That's got to be next.

I feel like you got, you know, a little Mandarin.

I know a little bit of Mandarin.

Know a little French convo television.

A little Spanish.

A little Spanish.

I'm like if fucking

if Jason Bourne went to like one day of training and he was like, yeah, this isn't really for me.

They just taught you all the verbs.

Yeah.

I'm not really into like conjugating or none of that shit.

You know, memorizing social security numbers or

exciting people.

Some Icelandic shit, like some

Nordic.

Do you want to go to Iceland?

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

I was looking at moving to Barrow, Alaska.

It's the northernmost point in the United States.

Oh, shit.

I think that would suck.

It only has two days a year.

The sun comes up in January, sets in November,

or something like that.

So the sun's just up.

Sun's up.

Oh, Ice.

And then there's polar midnight.

Months.

Yeah.

That would get...

old so fast.

Yeah.

Everyone there is on meth, I presume.

It's like the average temperature year-round is like like

two degrees.

Who even lives up there?

Guys like me.

You know?

True.

People who couldn't get a plantation.

Really?

So they went to go live with Inuits at the top of the world.

Outcasted brutes.

I would die so quickly.

Yeah.

Literally immediately, I would probably freeze to death.

Nah, I think you could like, I mean, I don't know.

I feel like you could just use the same bits again,

make some new friends.

You know what I mean?

I think you could, like, dominate the

best comic,

be the best comic in Barra, Alaska.

Yeah, I agree.

I think you could do it.

I worked, uh, I worked Skyline in Appleton, and

the guy that was like opening

was like,

you know, he lived in some bullshit town in like the middle of Wisconsin.

And,

you know, I was like asking him, like,

would you just do comedy by yourself in this town?

I can't imagine.

He was like, Yeah, you know, I figure I'd just stay in Wissau and, you know, get good in Wissau.

And I was like, no, man, you got to move.

You got to move somewhere where there's other people that do comedy.

He's like, yeah, but you know, I figure I'd stay in Wissau until I'm good enough to fucking move.

You know?

And he's like, you know, make the big move.

And I was like, where?

Like New York, LA?

You know, he's like, Minneapolis.

Madison.

Yeah, that was the big movie.

You can just go there now.

Right.

Yeah.

He was

waiting until he was good enough for Minneapolis.

If it's so great, folks, why does it have Minnie in the name?

Riddle me this,

you fucking Fargo pieces of shit.

Fargo the movie pieces of shit or TV shows?

Both.

They're both good.

Easily you could reference either.

It's crazy that

the amount of shows on now that aren't very good, that are like barely original ideas, and then someone said out, they're like, Yeah, I'm just going to copy that movie, you know, and I'm just going to call it the same thing, and they're all going to talk the same, and the character is going to be just derivatives of characters from the movie.

And it's like the best show that's been on TV in like 10 years.

Some shit just works, man.

Yeah.

Not enough people talking about that Midwest rage.

Yeah.

How about a show called Faygo, and it's about juggalos.

Oh my god, bro.

Ewan McGregor as like three different types of juggalos.

He gains 300 pounds.

Yo, that actor got so fat for no reason in season two of Fargo.

Did you see that?

No.

It's a guy that played like Todd on Breaking Bad.

He was like the main guy on Fargo season two,

and he gained like a hundred pounds for the role.

And it's like, just cast someone damn.

I don't know.

That's how I've always been.

This poor man so fat.

That's like actors gaining and losing weight.

But I think they just do it because it makes them feel good about their craft.

Does it?

I think so.

About their craft mac and cheese.

There it is.

It's like finally they have an excuse to eat a bunch of food and then people, you know, make them feel good about it because

it's hard to gain and lose weight.

Yeah, it is a great weight.

Gain weight, but it's like hard to lose it.

It's a good bit.

That's a great bit on Instagram, just losing weight.

Yeah.

Until everybody.

When I'm a famous actor, I'm going to go fat, movie, thin, movie, fat, movie, thin, movie, fat, movie, thin, movie.

Yeah.

Until they, you know, throw me in jail.

True.

Yeah, because you're going to be too good of an actor if you do that.

It does feel like an excuse sometimes.

Yeah.

Where people can just be like, I did it.

I got fat as shit.

And then they're like, oh, it was my line again.

It'd be like the shittiest performance in the world, but you gained like 400 pounds.

You're like, you don't understand.

I'm not just a patient.

I'm an English patient.

Like, that's not

your diet.

Like, listen,

they lost a lot of weight from you.

All right, who's this Schindler guy?

What's this list everyone keeps talking about?

Schindler's grocery list.

Yes.

Can you please memorize your lines?

No, I'm busy eating for the role.

I can ask you to do it.

Literally, you're supposed to be an Auschwitz.

We don't know why you gain so much weight.

I'm an actor.

An assistant bringing you cheeseburgers.

Yeah.

You're in those like like those Nazi camp pajamas.

Yeah.

Just the actor that gets super fat

for every movie.

Adrian Brody gained over 700 pounds for the pianist.

Couldn't even sit down at the piano.

Just struggling to breathe.

Yeah, Eddie Redmain gaining 400 pounds to play Stephen Hawking.

They're like, do you know who Stephen Hawking is?

Bennett Cumberbatch just gets super fat for the what was that?

The imitation game.

Yeah, Alan Turing.

Yeah, the Entimans game.

He's like, I'm fat and gay.

I'm already making the t-shirt.

Yeah,

the Entimen's game, starring Bennett Decumberbatch.

Alan Turing.

That guy liked custard, huh?

Ooh, hey.

Did he?

Who knows?

I don't even know.

I thought that was a gay thing.

Oh, it could be.

You're telling me about gay.com's got their own music playlist.

Bro, yeah, every year they drop a playlist every season.

I had the gay.com year 2000 winner playlist.

Ooh.

And the cover is just, it's like a cartoon cover, but it's like just a dude in a ski suit that's like half open and he's got some hot cocoa

and he's got skis on.

What?

Like, yeah, what if I go?

Yeah, I'm going to take this.

Of course, please go on snow, or is he just sort of walking around with skis on?

You think he's just walking around with skis on.

Yeah.

Just showing them off.

Showing off the gams.

Skis.

I mean, ski suits are fantastic, and I wish that you could wear them all the time.

Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all.

Nothing at all.

He was right.

Yeah.

That was like the way.

I mean, pantsuits are just great.

I wish I could wear all black, like, lycra shit.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I want to, I just want a

You go black crewneck sweatshirt.

Right.

Gray sweats for the pants.

Right.

Orthopedic black Reeboks.

Yeah.

Scully.

Right?

And then you're just Mick from Rocky forever and ever.

That's, yeah.

That's a great look.

Right.

Can you wear the new balances?

Does the clan still have new balances?

Oh, yeah, that's theirs.

It's not the clan.

It's the Proud Boys.

It's the Gavin guys.

They wear Fred Perry polos and new balances.

I'm keeping mine.

Fuck that.

Your New Balances?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, don't let them take it.

Because that was some DC shit.

I was in D.C.

a couple weeks ago, and I saw a black dude in New Balances.

I was like, okay, we still got them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Still got them.

I think that that's.

They're the best-made shoe for sure.

They last forever.

You can get by a pair of 504s and wear those shoes for nine years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got these 992s to be black Steve Jobs.

I was doing a bit of black Steve Jobs.

So I got the same shoes he wore in all the fucking press conferences.

He had great style.

What would Black Steve Jobs invent?

I think he.

The IADS.

I don't know.

He's still using an extra for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's bringing back chirps.

Black Steve Jobs.

You can scream at people anywhere.

And he's like, check this out.

You're

blown off work that day.

Do you want to talk to your friend who's also blowing off work?

Damn, I did that shit like a few years.

I forgot what Black Steve Jobs even is.

Oh, you used it as a bit.

Yeah, yeah.

I was just like.

It's just Steve Urkel.

He's Black Steve Jobs.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I think I was just doing dance moves.

With this new phone, you can fuck Laura.

Finally.

I can finally fuck Laura.

Remember when they actually let him fuck Laura?

That was like the last year of the show.

Yeah, Change Networks.

And they were like, fuck it.

He fucks Laura.

He was an astronaut.

I mean, he was an astronaut that saved the world, didn't he?

So you got to let him fuck after that.

Yeah.

That's a powerful message for kids: that if you just continually harass and pursue a woman that's told you no a million times,

eventually she'll run out of options and then she'll have to date you.

Yeah.

Well, you have to be a scientist, though.

Yeah.

It only works for scientists.

Yeah, you got to be a scientist.

You can't just like science division.

I love you, Lara.

That happened on Sister Sister, too, right?

One of them dates Roger.

Roger.

But he got hot.

Yeah.

He just started wearing cool shit over like one summer no he like he grew he grew like like a foot and a half yeah

and he was his name Batman that was his like art musical

yeah it was immature

was the name of the group

and uh their manager was like uh who's that white dude that was running uh in sync and shit

oh the weird creepy guy who used to wear the letterman jackets yeah they there was like a black version of that guy Chris Stokes okay he was like I don't know if he was fucking any of them, but then there was another boy group that he managed like later, because that was like the 90s.

She had another group called B2K.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I remember.

B2K and then Kenneth.

Yeah, so she was like fucking one of the dudes from B2K.

Really?

Was he?

Yeah, and he came out.

I forgot who it was.

Was it Raz B?

Raz B.

Might have been Raz B.

Marquez Houston.

Better known by his stage name, Batman.

Yeah.

I didn't know he had a stage name.

I thought that he...

Because I remember when he came out with the song, but I was.

It's weird that they let you do that.

Just be Batman?

Just be Batman.

Yeah, that's serious.

How come Batman couldn't sue?

I feel it.

Yeah, I feel like he must have been able to.

And then the real Batman's in court.

Yeah.

This is a defamation of character.

I'm not a black guy.

I was never a nerd.

I was always cool.

I never had breeds.

Oh, man.

It must be easy to have a twin.

You know, just

guaranteed career in Hollywood.

There's not a single group of twins that isn't famous, that's true.

The creepiest thing that I saw when I came to L.A.

was I was like working,

running a photo booth at this club, and the guy who like, I guess he was a manager or something for the photo booth company.

And these two girls came by who were twins and very scantily clothed or whatever.

And he just turns to me and he's like, twins, nice.

And I thought he was joking and he wasn't joking.

And then he like, why would he say that to a girl?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't understand why other dudes do that to me.

It's like some like, it's always some sexless fucking nerd that will be like, oh,

boobs.

You know, I'm like, who the fuck are you?

I know.

He's trying to relate to me.

That's why I thought it was a joke for a sec.

And I was like, oh, yeah, great.

You know.

And then he was like all over them.

And he was like, and he kept making eye contact with me and like being like, I work with this Puerto Rican guy sometimes that cat calls women, and it's so funny.

It's like, I can't do it, but he can.

And you can't really tell him he can't because that's like his culture.

Yeah, and like Spanish dudes always say mom, basically.

What's that, mommy?

Mommy.

Yeah, mommy.

Mama Sita.

What's Mama Sita?

Little mommy.

Little mommy.

Little mommy.

Okay.

Little mom.

Little mommy.

Which momet?

Little mom.

Excuse me, Mamette.

That shit will happen on the bus to me sometimes.

Just dudes.

I think, damn, one of the first times I took the bus in LA, there was this dude.

It's, I don't know what age any of these fools were, but it seemed like it was like an older guy and he was with like two younger kids, and he was like extra hype on the bus.

Like,

he was like letting everybody know he wasn't gay.

Like, when he got on the bus, he was like, hey, I ain't down with that gay shit straight up.

Just Just like, like, yo, what the fuck?

I miss riding the bus, man.

There's so many good bus stories.

I remember I was on the bus one time and there was this like extremely day labor looking dude.

And this was back in the Nextel days.

And

he's sitting on the bus and like I'm like across from him and the bus is packed and his phone starts ringing.

And, you know, he's like a fucking five foot two Guatemalan guy covered in plaster, you know, like, and his phone starts ringing.

He's got his hands.

Yeah, Yeah, and his fucking ringtone goes off, and it's like,

I'm toxic.

And he's like,

he had like toxic as his fucking ringtone, and he's like, hello.

It was a fucking, it was the funniest shit ever.

And this is back when ringtones were like $6.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He went and deliberately got toxic.

He had to buy a Visa gift card.

Yeah.

I mean, that's a great song.

That song is so good, and it does.

Yeah, I remember

it.

It's so good.

On the bus with my friend Brianna one time, and Brianna was like a

very fat black woman.

And we were like talking the whole time, and there's like other people who were talking.

There's like these other black dudes and Puerto Rican dudes or whatever, El Salvadorian dudes on the bus.

And then she got off the bus and I was like, all right, see you later.

And then she leaves, and they're all like at the window staring at her.

They're like, damn, they're like,

are you fucking that?

Or whatever?

And I'm like, no.

And they're just sitting there like, oh,

why not?

You know, they were like blown away that I wasn't fucking this.

Like, this is my 350 pounds.

Like, woman, I just knew.

That's why, like, sometimes

I don't care that much about like cat calls or anything because it's like, you can just feel like the loneliness and the sadness of people

coming through.

Hello, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm dying.

Ma'am with the legs.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, you've got nice hair.

I'm so lonely.

It's keeping me through the day.

If you don't respond to me, I'll have to become gay.

They're making me become gay.

That's what I hear when I get cat calls.

That's exactly what.

Has anybody ever done a bit where it's like an old, like, just a middle-aged white guy cat-calling on the street?

Like, you know, like white white guy, like

Protestant, like

he did that bit as like like an informational video.

Yeah, like why b cat calling is bad.

It's like all it's all just white guys.

Oh, though, like

when that girl walked down the street or whatever?

Yeah.

No, because they didn't have any white guys in the video, and that was a complaint.

Oh, so they had to add a white guy.

Buzzfeed Comedy did, like, uh, what guys are really saying when they cat call.

And it's like a bunch of white guys being like, Hey, girl, I have to yell at you because I'm like full of insecurities.

And it's like, why is that white guy talking like that?

What's that?

Oh, is it because you know exactly who's actually doing the back calling?

Is that the problem?

Why's that white guy got a do-rag on?

Yeah,

what's up, Shorty?

My name is Glenn.

Well, it's so offensive.

It's like, if you're going to like make it, just make them regular white guys.

I don't understand.

It's like, here's a puss feed video about not paying child support.

And it's like, I'm paying that shit.

I was like, white dude, it's like, we can talk like a white guy.

Yeah, they can, no, they should have done it like,

hey, ladies, white guys talk about your butt behind your back.

Yeah, yeah, they should have just did it like that.

Yeah, like the lady walked by.

It's like creepier, white guys like talking about it afterwards.

Yeah, no, it's much worse.

I don't know.

That whole conversation gets like, it's so easily gets into like fucked up territory, which is why I think people stopped talking about it.

Because they were like, oh, well, the reason there's no white guys is because they're, you know, at work.

And I was like, whoa,

don't say that.

That makes it so much worse.

Well, of course, there's no white guys in it.

They're all at jobs.

They're all working jobs instead of hanging out outside all day.

Every white guy is influenced.

I feel like it should be more acceptable to just like

scream at people on the street, like, whatever you're thinking about them.

Of course.

First of all, it's legal.

You can do that.

Oh, of course it's legal.

Somebody screamed, happy Cinco DeMayo, bitch, at me yesterday, and I was like, I'm not a bitch.

That was the end of it.

I'm not like, all right, well, I need to start a non-profit to deal with the issue of Cinco de Mayo harassment.

Well, maybe you should.

Yeah, that would be a good way to funnel more money into my pockets.

I mean, somebody yelled at me one time.

We got to put a stop to this.

First of all, it's cultural appropriation to say Cinco de de Mayo.

Did you see Mike Huckabee's tweet?

Oh, you're about eating a whole tub of salsa.

Mike Huckabee's tweeted.

He's like, happy Cinco de Mayo.

I'm going to drink an entire jar of salsa, watch Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

Oh, my God.

Right.

And take like a nap on a cactus.

Whatever the last one was.

I think a hand.

And watch a woman fuck a donkey.

Because the nap on a camera.

The most Mexican thing you could possibly do.

Oh, my God.

He's just terrible.

Get knifed down.

That's another good

political take from me.

Mike Huckabee is terrible.

That guy's.

Yeah, I didn't even know.

He stinks.

PU

is what I say about him.

I thought he was kind of a regular dude.

And now you tell me he's trying to get a lot of people.

What?

Mike Huckabee.

I don't know, man.

He's a regular dude in terms of personality.

In fact,

he might be personality-wise

on TV issues.

My favorite politician.

He seems pretty...

He's the funniest guy in the world.

Well, he's definitely like, I appreciate his creativity.

Yeah.

Because he's so bad.

He's so bad at writing games.

He did bring Speedy Gonzalez back.

I haven't thought about it in a way.

He had a good specific that not everyone could think of.

I wouldn't have thought of it if I was thinking of

it.

You know what I mean?

My aldermen, they don't got no fucking

comedic timing.

I don't have any funny congresspeople.

Can't do improv games with the fucking

none of them fools.

None of them.

Yeah, that's the problem in Congress is it's not funny enough.

They need to do more improv games.

For a bunch of clowns, they're not very funny.

That's why we got to get more comedians.

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

the entire government is just going to be celebrities in the next 20 years.

Yeah.

See the rock.

Yeah.

That's what I was the president.

He's going to, and he's going to win.

The whole government is going to be

a celebrity.

So like.

Every single one.

The president will be the rock, but Congress will still be like.

It'll just be John Cena.

The entirety of Congress will be John Cena.

Just doing the fucking, whatever that thing where he shakes his hand in front of his face.

Yeah.

That's every hearing.

Right.

Everyone's dying because they don't have medicine.

He's just doing that.

Doing that.

He's just handover.

With the C-SPAN cameras.

Everything's a turnbuckle, so he's getting on top of it and doing the fucking handover-the face thing.

Have you seen the video of him announcing the death of Osama bin Laden?

No.

Whoa.

Such a good video.

That's amazing.

We have compromised to a permanent end Osama bin Laden.

And then everyone's like, USA.

USA.

Which, you know, to be honest with you, is the only way any news should be delivered.

Yeah.

Like in a wrestling event?

Yeah.

I think it's, it's honestly, it's kind of fucked up that Trump didn't let

Cena fire Comey.

Yeah.

We have compromised to a permanent end the career of James Comey.

Then the Undertaker puts him in a casket.

Right.

He fuck you.

James Comey through him.

Chokeslams him.

Yeah.

James Comey's is just like, is this a joke?

Is it a joke?

I saw a wrestling thing when I was a kid at like USA Arena where it was the Undertaker versus Yokozuna.

Remember Yokozuna?

Yeah.

He's just like this sumo.

You know, I thought there was only, I thought that Yokozuna was like the Yokozuna.

I didn't realize that Yokozuna was like a weight class in sumo.

Oh shit, yeah.

So

I thought he was like, that was like Japan does the sumo thing.

This is the guy.

He's not.

And he wasn't just some fat piece of shit.

He was like Mexican, right?

Probably.

There's no way he was actually Japanese.

But I just saw The Undertaker choke slam him into a casket.

They made like a special casket.

I was never into wrestling, but the one thing I do remember is when

The Undertaker dragged Big Show's dead dad

behind his car.

Or maybe it wasn't The Undertaker.

It was somebody.

Something.

They were always doing something.

I remember that's where I learned the term terminal in relation to disease was from wrestling.

Nice.

Because his dad had terminal cancer.

Then that's the kind where you die.

For anyone that says that wrestling is dumb,

I learned a word from it.

You ever get in trouble for doing suck-it?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Me and Adam talked about that.

Oh, for sure.

I met fucking

X-Pac two years ago.

For real?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

How's he doing?

Well, it was weird because I went on Kurt's podcast and I was doing a character, and Xbox was there.

And like, to everyone else, it was clearly a character, but I was pretty excited.

Xbox thought this shit was real.

He thought it was real.

I said I was a transracial student from the Granola College of the Mountains.

Oh, that's great.

Good for you.

And that I identified as many different races other than white, and you can't tell me.

I think this is like right around when the Dolezal thing happened.

But afterwards, Xbox, like, hey, are you really like a transracial guy?

I was like, no, man, I'm a comedian.

That's in the the bid

what you're doing for the show.

He was like, oh, okay, cool.

I wish I'd seen that sex tape we did.

Remember, you've seen it.

Yeah.

You can see it's still online.

I got to get that.

Yeah.

I hope it's on porno.

Yeah.

It's weird.

I've never watched any celebrity sex tape.

Like, I've just accidentally seen parts of them.

Yeah, that's why I can never do it because it's like, okay, I'm watching porno

to come.

I want to laugh separate from my pants being off.

It's like, it's just not celebrities, don't fuck good.

Yeah, they're just celebrities.

I saw Dog the Bounty.

I was at a birthday party, and Dog the Bounty Hunter was there too.

And why every dude with a sex tape got a mullet?

That's true.

It's a lot of wrestlers, right?

It's a lot of wrestlers.

Basically, old 80s rock dudes.

We were talking about JCVD earlier.

Do you know, you've seen Time Cop?

Yeah.

And I probably said this on the podcast too before, but I love in Time Cop where they,

you know, the beginning of the movie, it's like

1994, right?

And then they jump to 2004.

That's the time frame.

So in 94, you know, it's like when they filmed the movie,

JCBD, no mullet, right?

No mullet at all.

But then they cut forward to 2004 and he's got a mullet.

They were like, oh, it'll come back.

It's going to come.

It'll be back by then for sure.

The writers have many meetings.

Yeah.

It tried to do a little comeback, probably around like 2007.

Remember, people had like Euro mullets?

Yeah, no, I think it.

Kanye had a weird,

like, shaved shag

going on.

Yeah.

Well, they went so crazy.

Like, if you look at old pictures of like Stamos, or like you work any shitty comedy club, and all the headshots on the wall were like everyone is like, it's all men wearing eyeliner with like the fluffiest,

most like it's got to be, that's got to be like a $900 mullet

that you paid the layers

on it.

Yeah.

And then it's like, you know,

Dirk Rogers.

Fucking best comic in Alabama.

The guy died of like testicular cancer in 1998.

Doing his fucking...

I mean, it's the fucking headshot walls of comedy clubs is a sad story.

It is the most fun part.

Did you ever go to Wise Acres?

No, no, I wasn't around.

Dude, that Wise Acres wall.

The Fallen Soldiers.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

My favorite one was just, it was a guy in front of a drum set, and then it just said the drum comic.

I can't imagine

how many sticks.

How bad of a fucking show that was to see.

Oh, shit.

It's just not a comic.

It's a different thing.

It's like a chef.

It's like, oh, the chef comedian.

Nope.

It's a chef.

I mean, that sounds great.

Going in,

you know, drumming funny.

Like, you start out with one rhythm, you end up with a different one.

It's crazy.

I want to be the steel drum comedian.

There you go.

Do it.

You can be.

There isn't one now.

There used to be a dude who used to play the steel drum in front of the giant in Columbia Heights on 14th Street.

They had

an RIP to some road dog whose heart exploded.

And they had the article about it.

Just Buffalo Wings.

Yeah, pretty much.

Like a beloved member of this community.

I got to get old.

I used to look at Richard Belzer's headshot at the improv all the time.

Yeah.

Like, I want a copy.

From like 1981.

Yeah, yeah, and it's like him just by the fucking.

Dude, they got some fucking old headshots there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For like an A club.

I got to redo some of those shot for shot.

That's got my plan.

Black and white with a vest on.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And it's like a very elaborate Pierre Cardan.

Yeah.

It's cool.

Some of them have like

Bill Burr's old headshot when he was Billy Burr.

Lil' Billy Burr.

Yeah, yeah.

Those are always weird to see.

I guess we should end this one on a banger.

So

I got a sketch

not prepared, but we're going to go to Wikipedia and then hit random page.

Okay.

And then we're going to riff on it.

Sounds good.

Cool.

Throw up the lob.

This is

Nathaniel Tarn.

So Nathaniel Tarn is an American poet, essayist, anthropologist.

So

do you have anything on that?

Sounds like he sucks.

Here's mine.

Nathaniel Tarn, what in Tarnation?

Who is that?

Okay, well, that's the episode.

Thanks, guys, for hanging out.

Thanks for having me.

We'll be back next week for the final Come Town West

before I return to Saudi Arabia, where I do Come Town Far East.

East.

I wish you'd say Farmer.

Come Town Fall East.

That would be good.

Yeah.

Can you enter a gong?

Put a gong in.

Yeah.

Right there.

We're going to make Stav become Chinese.

Yo, dude, we got to tell the story when we get back.

But Stav lost his front tooth.

What?

Yeah.

He's got some weird disease.

Just eating pussy tooth.

Well, I guess.

I mean, he already looked like a baby, right?

Yeah.

Bald, and now he's got like a missing tooth.

It's so funny.

I mean, he's fucked, dude.

I mean, I hate myself, but I can't imagine, you know, being a- He should just wear a bonnet now.

Yeah, he should.

Lean in.

The Gerber grown-up.

He's going to have to convince women to breastfeed him.

That's going to be how he handles his horniness.

You know, he's willing to, so that's a start.

I feel like it's unfair to talk about him without him being able to sit here and just go, no,

no, bitch, no,

and not refute any of these things because he's doing it online.

He'll leave

comments.

Oh, yeah, true.

Adam and Stop won't listen to this show.

Oh, good.

I don't listen to fucking.

I'm not going to listen to the last few minutes.

Jamel, you can kiss my ass.

I'm not going to hear myself say that to me.

Right.

Yeah, why would I?

I don't.

What kind of psychopath do you have to be to listen to yourself on a recording?

To like relive a conversation that you had already.

Right.

Honestly, bro, I do.

I listen to everything line for line, and I have a dry erase board.

Do you?

And then I take notes, and then I take pictures of the notes, then I wipe the board off.

That's it.

I've tried to do dry erase boards multiple times in my life.

No, too real.

One real.

Really trying to gauge how serious you are about that.

No, no, no.

Because sometimes, I mean, if it's for like, you know, people take comedy stuff very seriously.

If you're like doing that for your jokes, I couldn't be like, that's stupid.

I've listened to every Comtown I've been on and did 100 push-ups.

How about Nathaniel Tard?

That's already better.

Nathaniel Tarnick Tarnuts.

Yeah, let's go ahead and we're going to vandalize this Wikipedia page right now for Nathaniel Tarn and change it to Nathaniel Tard's Jailbroken.

And yeah.

And I'm going to get.

Here's what you guys can do.

Nathaniel Tarna, the inventor of the chicken Tarna, Zenku Chicken.

Nathaniel Tard

is an American poet.

Tard

was educated.

Also retarded.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to edit this, and then they're going to change it back.

And then you guys, the listeners, are going to go on Wikipedia and continue to change it back to Nathaniel Tard until they have to lock this article until it ruins some nerd's day.

There'll also be a poll, text 875, with the word yes, if you think Nathaniel Tarn should be gay and retarded.

Yeah, or no if you think he should just text me jokes either or F-A-G-G-O-T if you would like to hear more.

I'm going to do a find and replace on this.

New note.

Control F.

Paste, yeah.

Baby.

Control F

replace.

Place

tarn

with tar

nailed it

there we go and we're gonna save

this is nice this feels like a Bob Ross how to vandalize Wikipedia session

you know he was like a a DI right

a what like a drill instructor I did not know that.

Yeah, that's why he went into painting because he got tired of yelling at people and he wanted to do something calm.

I'm like that, dude.

I feel like after podcasting, I'm going to go into.

Yeah, there we go.

This is perfect.

Nathaniel Tard, born 1928 in Paris, is an American poet, essayist, anthropologist, and translator.

Perfect.

Well, that's

an evening, I guess.

Guys, thanks for hanging out.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

Thanks for

having me.

You know, if you guys want any more of this

incisive political commentary,

brief recaps of Wikipedia articles I've read on the death penalty and,

you know, with a sprinkling of

plantation talk with

that kind of stuff.

If you want to subscribe to the podcast, tell your family about it, especially if you have any

older folks in your family.

Yeah, this is for vets.

This is for war vets.

Yeah, actually, we're going to start a new spin-off for veterans to help them get over PTSD where we talk very calmly and then we go

and yell all of a sudden.

And then it will condition them to no longer be afraid of loud noises.

Great plan.

Yeah.

Sign off for it.

We already get in tax breaks to do this.

Well, yeah, perfect.

You guys are great.

Thank you.

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