RICHARD KIND Talks Coen Brothers, Death, And George Clooney

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Since I did Serious Man, I get offered every Jewish role.

Isn't that just so offensive?

It's not that offensive.

I don't blame them.

So we're not going to do that next pitch that I have for you.

It's not a Jewish surfboarder.

It's about the first Jew who died in the Holocaust.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, it's like, come on, it's one Jew.

No, he's like in like one Jew.

He's like in line for the first Jewish idea.

Oh, my,

Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm Adam Friedland.

As always, I got to shout out our members here on youtube.com.

If you would like to join the Friedland Family Foundation and get bonus content, your name in the credits, discounts on merch, and access to episodes before everyone else, you can do so by hitting the join button at the top of the page or by clicking the link in the description below.

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My guest this week is beloved character actor Richard Kind.

Of course, he's known for his roles in projects such as Siri Man, Sharknado 2.

The list goes on and on.

He's the kind of actor where every time he appears on the screen, he just makes you smile.

You feel like you've run into an old friend or something.

Kind of like when you see,

what's her name?

Fucking...

Was the redhead from Boogie Dies?

Julianne Moore.

Kind of like when you see Julianne Moore's Tiss.

Now, during the research process, I tried to find some commonality between me and the guest.

And I'll be honest with you guys, this one had me stumped.

Like, what could I possibly have in common with character actor Richard Kind?

As many of you know, I'm an outsider in the traditional media complex.

People have described me as a punk rocker or a disruptor.

I don't know what that means.

But Richard Kine could not be further from my world.

He's a Hollywood mainstay.

He's entrenched in the establishment, the studio system, and he's been there for decades.

He's betted some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood famously, and I prefer to keep my sexuality a secret, kind of like Pedro Pascal.

I enjoy spending my time with my staff here at the Adam Friedland Show.

Meanwhile, Richard's someone who rubs shoulders with A-listers.

His best friend's George Clooney, and his second best friend is George Clooney's wife.

But despite the circumstances, this was one of the most intriguing and inspiring conversations of my life.

Two strangers from two different worlds who, through the power of dialogue, find that we're all just human.

We live in divided times.

Most Americans prefer binging on streaming services instead of helping a neighbor who's being beaten to death.

So, after the end credits theme song plays in this episode, and you're sitting there in your living room, go out of your house.

Go up to a stranger, any stranger, don't be afraid, no matter who it is, and say hello.

I think you're gonna like what happens next.

So, with that, my interview with Richard Khan, guys.

Enjoy it.

He's Jewish, also.

Oh,

he's also Jewish.

You are so right.

Yeah.

Well.

Should we leave the Julia and Moore part?

I think it's fine.

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Ladies and gentlemen, legendary Hollywood actor Richard Kahn, everyone.

I was 15 minutes late.

Sit down, sit down, everybody.

Sit down.

The band sounds great.

Oh my gosh.

No, we pipe them in.

We have Cool in the Gang, actually.

Is that true?

Live via satellite.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah.

They play a different song.

It's incredibly expensive.

Thank you for coming.

My pleasure.

I acknowledge I was 15 minutes late.

But why?

My dog ate some shit.

Oh, that's the worst.

I just heard last night.

I'm walking on the street.

Yeah.

And two beautiful dogs and lovely, lovely woman.

I wouldn't call them that.

What?

The woman was not a dog.

The two dogs were dogs.

All right, come on.

But the woman was describing one of the dogs ate a towel.

And they sit at home together, and she has a camera, and she watches the dogs during the day while she's at work.

They don't play with each other, and they're brother and sister.

Oh, my God.

Isn't that sort of fascinating?

You want to hear something beautiful?

Go ahead.

Okay.

My dog, she's a real piece of crap.

I got her off the streets.

Great.

No, she.

I rescued her.

She's a pit bull.

She's from Bedford, Stevens.

Now I have to like you.

Yeah, I'm a good guy.

I'm I'm a really good guy.

Her name's Isis, which was difficult.

I call her Icy

because I can't be at the dog park.

I can't be like, I'm training with Isis.

You know, like, okay, of course.

So, Isis,

first of all, Isis has been shitting all night in the house.

It's like I have a newborn or something.

Yeah.

She's sick.

She's sick right now.

So, yeah, I haven't gotten any sleep.

And,

you know, she's a big fan, too.

It would break her heart if she knew.

What's her favorite thing I've done?

Go ahead.

Okay.

Talk about the dog.

We got to hurry.

The general is smelling piss is her favorite thing.

But yeah, she can't get enough of it, actually.

I would like anything, though.

So, what's the diagnosis?

So,

I don't know.

They just gave her some antibiotics or something, and I'm feeding her right now.

Okay, let me ask a couple of questions.

How long ago did you find her?

I found her now, I think

10 years ago.

Okay.

So, so she was a depressed woman, okay?

She uh, and some guy was like, I was just breeding her

at my grandmother's house.

She has nowhere to live.

And her nipples were distended because she was a breeder dog for fight dogs, right?

Ah, ah, miserable.

She was depressed.

She was like, and she was sad when I got her.

And then she got a big, huge street fight

within a week of me getting her.

And I'd never had a dog before.

And listen, I'm like the...

definition of a gentrifier.

Like I'm like a Jewish guy that's like 150 pounds wet with like a murder machine machine on, like, on a leash.

And so she gets in this terrible fight with this other pit bull.

And then

this bagger, Vance, shows up, this ghost, and he said, you want to get the dogs to stop fighting.

He's like, you got to put a stick up the ass.

And then, so I put it, I was putting a stick up my ass.

Hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait.

Are you serious?

A stick up the ass.

A stick up the ass.

Well, it'll get anyone to stop fighting, really.

I understand, but there's an expression, put a stick up their ass, and then there's the reality of sticking a stick up their ass.

I literally,

I couldn't find a stick so I ended up putting,

full disclosure, I ended up putting, I'm no kink, kinky guy, but

I put my finger.

And then she released immediately.

Anyway, so terrible dog, but she's been, she loves.

Okay.

We were walking down the street.

We see a boy dog.

This is like a year ago.

a doppelganger.

Exactly, looks exactly like her.

And I said, oh my God, they could be twins.

My dog starts jumping up, spinning, jumping up, spinning, jumping up, spinning.

The boy dog's like bored.

He doesn't care.

I say, oh, yeah, you know, like, she's a Brooklyn dog.

I got her on, like, you know, on green

between like Malcolm X and I forgot the other cross street.

And he said, oh, this dog's from that same block.

I said, how old is he?

How old is he?

And they said, he's nine.

And I said, she's ten.

And so in my,

I think she met her son.

That's crazy.

I saw weeping.

But there's so many.

I'm so weeping on the streets.

I'm going to go back to another part of the story:

the amount of legal damage that could have been thrust upon you, much less physical damage, much less physical damage to you, to physical damage to somebody else with a dog like that.

Like you say, it's a killing machine.

She was still in survival mode.

I mean, I heard a story about somebody walking their dog

in the Hamptons, and the dog attacked the other dog killed it yeah yeah that's classic hamptons for you is it it don't

i mean they're just maybe maybe the hamptons is ruthless maybe in west hampton you know

maybe

i don't even consider that the hamptons you know i call it worst hampton okay we're sorry our audience is pettiless and uh and alone so i don't know if that's a good place to start well stick a finger up there i'll stick a finger up you've got to cuff the ass of all your audience

yeah i well it's it's funny because there is that legendary story.

Speaking of crapping and animals, there's the legendary.

You were roommates with Mr.

George Clooney once.

I'm sure you're asked about this all the time.

All the time.

Let's not ask about it now.

Okay.

No, I'm going to stop.

I'll stop.

I'm going to tell you a couple of things.

You took a shit on your dog.

That's great.

Yeah, that's the same thing.

I will tell you, I get asked.

My joke is that under special skills on my resume, I have a friend of George Clooney.

More people ask about George than they ask about me.

I didn't mean to.

I know you don't mean to.

And we didn't talk about

it.

So he doesn't know.

Don't ask a lot about George because I'm going to tell you why.

It's because he gets asked about by me a lot, number one.

Number two,

I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk.

And I might say something that may be interpreted as negative about George.

And you know what?

Just recently I was misquoted in New Yorker magazine and in the

notes,

they had like an interview, a fact-checking thing.

I cleared it up and still it was printed incorrectly.

I read that.

You said that George Clooney wants China to invade Taiwan, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why would you say that?

This is why I don't like to talk about it.

They misunderstand.

Why would you say that?

People misunderstand.

That's a global.

That is wrong.

I know.

It's a wrong decision.

My wife's at the UN.

I mean, it's just crazy.

It was horrible.

Yeah.

Okay.

And anything we'll say could be taken by the New York Post and turned.

So I don't like to talk about George.

And yet, as stories go on,

I always bring them up.

But I'm not going to, I try not to.

You also said that George Cluddy said that on January 6th, they should have finished the job.

Why are you going there?

I don't know.

You're so

good.

You're in my secretary.

You're coming all night

what do you want to know about me i first became aware of you during spin city that was like when i was a kid and yet i had a life before that but that's okay no no no no no no but that that that that's how old but i understand but i understand from my research you grew up in philly and you and i were at a very similar crossroads in our lives we both were going to go to law school and then we pursued our our uh

fabulous uh artistic pursuit yeah well well i'd say it and this is i mean anybody who's seen an interview with me, I always say this.

My dad's best friend said, try acting.

What?

Roy Cohn.

He was the lawyer for the McCarthy hearings.

Well, George, it was George's lawyer and then told me to, you know, hook on to Roy Cohn.

So my dad's best friend said,

try acting because when you're 40, you're going to resent your wife and kids for having left your dream behind.

So I tried it, and I was, I actually wasn't any good, but I got away with it, and I enjoyed it.

And then,

okay I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you something that I think is sort of interesting and it and it hit me

is that when you're around 27 28 29 and you're an actor all of a sudden at that age

you want a house you want kids you want money you want the light the trappings that you knew your parents had and so you say enough of this acting and you'll either go into law or you become a producer or director or a writer or whatever it is or an agent and you make a lot more money

when I was 27 or 28 I went to Second City

and I was hired and I worked every night so I was an actor every night for four and a half years so I didn't even have time to say and I was making a living not a good living but I was making a living and then all of a sudden I'm 33 years old and Jesus what am I gonna do with my life and I kept being an actor I think my qualification was if I can make money for rent and everything from just comedy like if I didn't need another job, then I was a comedian.

I used to say I didn't want to have kids until I could afford to send them to camp.

Really?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's, we have our, you know, our bar, and

I did.

I made rent.

I could make rent all the time.

Did you go to camp growing up?

Hell yeah.

Me too.

Yeah, what camp?

Where?

In upstate New York, obviously.

Well, I went to Camp Sunope

in New London, New Hampshire.

Were there girls at yours?

No.

Oh, really?

No.

Were there girls at yours?

Oh, yeah.

Did you get laid?

First kiss at camp.

Yeah, third base.

Third base, yeah.

Okay.

I then went to tennis camp and

didn't get laid, but, you know,

went this far.

Yeah, yeah, I was pretty close.

Yeah, I got pretty close.

I wasn't doing really good.

But she was a good tennis player.

She was, too.

I don't know.

Really?

I don't know.

She was funny, though.

She was pretty smart.

Why?

I don't know.

She probably.

You know what?

You're right, because I don't get pretty girls.

I get smart girls.

Ida, you get, you've dated some of the most beautiful women in the world.

I was very lucky.

My wife,

who is no longer my wife, but is beautiful.

I've been very lucky.

It's why I don't date, why I don't have as many girlfriends as I would have liked in my life, because my bar is high, especially with

what's on my resume.

My problem was I would watch Seinfeld growing up, and I would see George.

I would see George with these 11s, and I'd be like, it's a lie.

It's on TV.

Obviously, he and then i moved to new york and it's this is the land of

this is the place where beautiful smart you know what they do but us but us guys somehow we so we do because they've seen enough because they've watched annie hall they think it's acceptable

to be with a freaking

bell here yeah thank you thank you mr costanza and mr allen you're right I mean very true.

It's kind of true.

Yeah, it's kind of true.

I'm never leaving.

I can't.

Do you like L.A.

What do you think?

What kind of action could I get going over there?

In Texas, do you think I could meet a woman?

In Texas?

No, I was born in L.A., in fact.

Were you?

Yeah.

If I were a betting man, I would have said you were not.

Well, I look like I'm

from Brooklyn.

My parents are from South Africa, Cape Town.

No kidding.

I'm going to South Africa.

I'm taking my kids on a safari.

Oh, you are?

Where are you going?

Cruiser.

Botswana.

Botswana.

Botswana.

Oh, my God.

You're going on the good one.

I know.

You're going on the good one.

Oh, my God.

It's awesome.

Can I come?

Sure.

Okay, we can go see my grandma.

Oh, yeah.

We need somebody to throw out.

I'm sure she's not a hip.

A little lorry.

Oh, your grandmother still lives in South Africa?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's never leaving.

Yeah.

Well, I understand.

All the grandmas stayed.

All my parents' generation of Jews left during apartheid.

And then the grandmas are like, I'm not going anywhere.

Of course not.

Well, that's not how they talk, but yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Does she have an accent?

Of course, yeah.

But not a Jewish accent.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I realized?

Can you do an impression of her?

Adam, you've got a lot of problems.

Okay.

No, that's not what any Jewish grandmother says.

I haven't seen you in four years.

Here are the things that are wrong with you.

So.

We're competitors in this space.

I know.

You work for the other guys.

You work for the Red Sox.

What?

You're the announcer for Millany's Talk Show.

Yeah, but he doesn't have a podcast.

This is not a podcast.

This is 1,000.

Oh, I see, I see, I see, I see what you're saying.

This is a talk show.

I thought it was a podcast when I came in here and you weren't here and you were late.

This is a talk show.

This is Dick Cabot, who I loved.

And I don't blame you.

I don't blame you.

I know Dick Cabot.

I know he's alive.

He's not just alive.

He's a nice man.

How old is he?

He's like 90s.

Okay.

Yeah, he's old.

Why would you point fingers at age?

He's an old man.

He's great to live long.

I don't want to die ever.

I don't either.

And yet,

the other night I'm coming up in my apartment, and it's 2.30 in the morning.

And I opened the door.

What is your address?

And I opened the door to the elevator, and there's a man standing there who lives on my floor, very old man,

very old,

and wizened and everything.

And I go, John,

what's the matter?

He goes, I'm waiting for my wife.

I mean, he's this.

He's

a little man.

And I go, I go, John,

do you want to go back to bed?

And he goes, yes.

And I put him, I take my arm around him and I walk him in and I walk him to his apartment and I go

I'm going I walk him down.

I mean it takes 10 minutes because he's shuffling and I walk him down and I don't want to scare his wife who has no idea that he's roaming the halls waiting for her.

I go, Louisa, Louisa, we get to the bed, Louisa, I'm doing it softly.

And then she just wakes up and a woman and she goes, oh, and just hopped out of bed.

I took his bathrobe off, helped him into bed.

He's got a urine stain the size of my fist.

And the saddest thing.

So,

I want to live forever.

I want to see my kids grow up.

I want to see every good movie that's coming out.

I want to see what's going to happen to this country.

I love living.

I am truly the guy who says I will sleep when I'm dead.

I came home at 2.30.

My wife left me because I have so much energy.

I can't stop.

I don't want to be John.

I really thought that story was going to have a punchline.

Hey, I'm not all about funny.

I know.

You can have Anthony Weiner on here and you wasn't that funny.

I wasn't that funny?

No.

No, you might have been.

It was like two.

I could be talking, I could talk.

I'm not funny, funny, funny all the time.

You want funny, funny?

No, no, no, no.

You want funny, funny, funny today?

No, no, listen.

No, no, Adam.

You're not so funny.

I had to look at the coffee cup.

I'll tell you to

say, I had to remember his name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can be funny if you want.

No, you don't have to be funny.

But I can be yourself.

I mean, that story was beautiful.

It's really sad.

It was in response to, I want to live forever.

Yeah.

Because I saw some children.

Are we going to use any punctuation in our talking, like a period, and now you talk, and then you talk, a period, and then I talk?

No.

No, we're just going to talk over each other.

And then you're going to say something that I think is important.

And I'm going to say, what did you say?

so that I could respond.

Are we getting along?

You're my best friend.

Okay, good.

Do you get any points on Cosmigos?

Let's talk about something else.

Okay.

So you famously said George Clooney once said that the Uyghur concentration camps should be bigger.

Why did you say that?

You're my favorite friend ever.

You're my favorite friend.

Why would George ever say that?

One of my favorite roles of yours, and it's a film that fucked me up for like three months.

I went into a depression.

Wow.

And you almost steal the entire movie.

Maybe do steal the entire movie.

It's a serious man.

Oh, serious man's great.

Yeah.

Oh, it's a great movie.

Great.

You're brutal.

Every once in a while.

Brutal.

Well, that's so nice of you.

You say you don't watch any of your stuff?

That one I saw.

You have to watch that.

That one I saw.

Yeah, yeah.

I was going to say,

I adore that movie.

The Cone Brothers I hear love that movie.

I get lucky.

I just.

Okay, Adam.

You and I are both actors and look what we look like.

I'm not the most telegenic guy in the world.

I look all right.

And the stuff that I get to do, it just confounds me.

I call myself the smuckers of acting.

With a face like this, I better be good.

But I wasn't good for a long time.

I pulled one over, and then I got good.

And the Cone brothers, their writing is great.

Joel as a director and even Ethan, who says he's not a director, but they both direct it.

They both talk to you about it.

I knew who this guy was.

How do they do it together?

They write it together and they write it out.

Well, they write it together.

And I've often said, I said...

Is it like Bernie Taupin and Elton John?

One does the lyrics.

You just can't.

No, no, no.

No.

They write it together and they edit together.

And I think because

I think because Joel,

this is just my...

I've never said this.

I think just because Joel is a bit larger of a personality, but not that much bigger,

he does the directing for the actors, but you talk to Ethan too.

And Ethan was a philosophy major.

Yeah.

And that makes sense to me.

And

when they work, they know what they want.

I just remember the only, not disagreement, but I remember the prop guy coming up and saying, do you want, you remember I had this abaceous cyst, and so I had a washcloth in the back.

You never saw the cyst, but you saw the washcloth.

And he says, do you want a white washcloth or do you want floral?

And one said floral and one said white.

And then I don't even know what we came up with.

It was neither here nor there.

Did that escalate?

It did.

Really?

Yeah.

Mom liked me better.

We had to call in some security.

It was awful.

It came to

almost fists.

They actually did Greco-Roman wrestling.

Really?

Yeah,

they did not box.

They got down on the floor and they, you know, with the whole thing, and they go, and, you know, and then they wrestled.

And they were wrestling.

And that's how they solved it.

And you were like standing there.

You're like, guys.

Guys, guys, come on.

It's just a movie.

Tap me in.

Come on.

I don't know.

Who the hell knows how it works?

I mean,

that performance is just...

That's really nice.

There's something about that movie that just lingers with you.

when it's over.

I called my dad.

I said, I saw this movie, Seriesman.

And my dad said, he's like, I've been depressed since I saw it.

I said, oh, oh, I've been depressed too.

I think it's, I know this sounds crazy, I think it's a great date movie, and I'll tell you why.

Is the person you're seeing with that you're dating, are they a thinker?

How do they think?

What do they think about death?

Is it funny to them, or was it sad?

There's so many things.

What is the afterlife?

All of that stuff.

So I think it's a pretty good, and it can generate discussion.

You know, if you run out of discussion, you can talk about something.

It's not just a Marvel movie.

Yeah,

my move back in the day I have a fiancé now but I used to take the chick to Claude Lensman's show

we're having fun guys

and say who's the bad guy so

so I'm a little bit on the fence about did they deserve it what I'm gonna wait and see I'm on the fence I want to see who wins at the end

What who are you going with?

I want to, okay.

You were trained at the Second City.

I mean, this is an opportunity for me as a younger gentleman.

This is free education for me sitting with you and interrupting you.

That's the stupidest thing you could possibly say.

What do you mean an education?

Okay, you want to be a good idea.

I'm just a guy.

I'll just a guy.

No, I'll just a guy.

Okay, so would you be keen on doing a little, like a scene with me?

An improvised scene or a written scene?

We could do either.

You could just.

Let me tell you something about my improvisation.

I'm not as good as everybody thinks.

I was never as good as anybody thinks.

I'm a good reactor.

I can listen and react, but I don't react always funny.

That's what I did with John

with your competition.

I would call him a friend and a colleague.

No, he's your competition.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

And he's a darn sight better.

What?

You know, Mandel?

Yeah.

I love him.

I everybody.

There are so many, some of the stand-ups who were on the writing staff.

Yeah.

These minds, they're so great.

I just loved

being on that show, and I hated it.

Okay, let's talk about that.

This is interesting.

Is the camera on me?

Right.

Go to three.

I was told I was really good on the show.

I don't understand it.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I felt so ungrounded and insecure.

And all I did was enjoy myself and try.

The best thing I did on that show

was keep my mouth shut.

Because I so often, like you can see how often I talk and I want to ask you questions.

And on the panel, I wanted to talk and find out and stuff like that.

And I didn't.

I said, this is John's show.

He's...

funnier than I am.

He's more intelligent than I am.

And so I kept my mouth shut and I let John do some of the questions.

And when I I saw just an inkling of him searching for what next to talk about or trying to, I would come in and I'd have like six questions that I'd want to ask these people even before we started.

And so I would listen to the conversation and then I would ask a question.

I usually asked one question per segment of a person.

Yeah.

And that's what I did.

And then as far as being funny on the show, they gave me written word.

And

these writers were great.

They were just great.

Give it up for the writer staff of the John Mulaney show.

It is.

But it's true.

They were great.

I hope that they hire me when they start doing other stuff.

Well, if you need a gig.

I do.

If you need a gig, you should.

You always need a gig.

I'm in New York anyway, so you live here.

By the way, I was at the second game of the Yankees.

No, the first game of the Yankees.

Heartbreaker.

Heartbreaker.

I know.

Yeah, but now.

I'm a Dodger fan, actually.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.

Why are you wearing that?

Because with the rise of anti-Semitism, like, I'm trying to...

I'm doing more of a Dominican.

I've been doing more of a Puerto Rican Dominican thing.

I'm kind of hiding in plain sight.

I don't want people to know.

You are an actor.

You have a keen eye for the world around you, right?

No.

Okay.

You've been studying me since you came in here.

Yeah.

I've been studying you.

Okay.

What have you found out?

What have you found out?

We'll see where things go after.

But why?

Wait, what's your assessment?

You?

Yeah.

You're the best.

No, what is your, seriously, what's your assessment?

What do you think about me?

You think I'm a keen observer?

You're exactly what I expected you to be.

Okay, and I am so not a keen observer.

I can't tell whether somebody's gay or not.

I can't tell whether they're wearing a wig or a toupee.

By the way, I'm not gay.

So you say.

My whole life.

So you say.

I've been called that my whole life, sir.

This is the truth.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Okay, and that's what actually is all about: the truth.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It's the

Adam.

Yes.

I'm going to tell you what the most important thing in any scene is.

No, this is not me being funny.

This is the truth.

I'm going to ask you right now: what is the most important thing in any scene?

Any scene?

Doing your goddamn job.

Nope.

The objective.

Nope.

Um,

the camera.

Nope.

Best boy.

The other person.

Yes.

Yes.

That's what you're doing.

I was going to say that.

I was going to say that.

What can you get?

What do you want and how can the other person give it to you?

Because if you're alone, you don't need anybody else.

You need something and the other person's in the scene.

In an interview...

No, there's no drama.

You're

melancholy.

You played

Churchill.

You're so wrong.

I'm not playing Amelia.

You played Malcolm X.

You played Winston Churchill.

Okay.

Enough about

the magic trick.

That is Richard Kai.

Okay.

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Okay, so what?

Should we do the script?

Okay.

Do the script.

You have a whole staff here, and nobody's saying anything.

But I do need my glasses if I'm going to read.

There you go.

All right.

Do you want to do a few questions?

The person from Hulu

is here.

How am I doing?

Is this okay?

I'm doing good.

Am I representing?

At some point, only murders would be great.

Oh, just shut up with the economics

and the corporation and trying to sell.

Selling the cells of the

the cells.

How about just to be able to do that?

How about just

be alive?

Just living.

So we're working on this project called The Audacity of Hope.

Nice title.

I like that.

It's the Barack Obama biopic.

So this is a scene from his youth.

So

would you like to play the role of Apua Rothstein?

He's kind of the bad guy.

Yeah.

And I'll play the role of Obama.

Okay, I am really reading this

The Cold.

So I may ask for another take.

I have a page.

Now we have a lot of pages.

We got five pages.

Listen, dude,

you can go as long as you want.

There's a lot of sage directions.

I will not be doing an accent.

I'm not doing an accent either.

I'm doing Obama.

All right, you ready?

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't think you'd show, Obama.

Here I am, Apua.

You're going down.

I wouldn't be too sure.

Say, didn't your surfboard mysteriously disappear the other day?

Malik Obama walks up.

Barack Obama puts his arm around him.

Not so fast, Rothstein.

He's got a board.

Malik Obama hands Barack an all-black surfboard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks great.

Where'd you get that old hunk of junk?

Obama, Malik, where did you get this?

You didn't build that.

Malik, this is a ceremonial surfboard passed down from our great-great-grandfather, the brave chief of our family's village.

It's entirely made out of African wood.

It's from his Kenyan side.

It's a magic surfboard.

Okay.

Hey, man.

Obama.

Hey, man, thanks.

Okay, now it's...

Let me be clear.

If I win today, the youth center stays open.

But if you win, you and your greedy family can tear it down and build a synagogue.

How about we up the stakes, huh?

If I win, I get the youth center and your little girlfriend, Michelle.

Come on, Rothsy.

She's a human being.

Can you play Michelle also?

I can speak for myself, Barack.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Then we have ourselves a deal.

Let's see on the water, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

So now we're on the...

It's a horrible scene.

Wait, so this is...

No, this is a...

I don't know if you've read Obama's biography.

I haven't.

He was in a surf competition, a big wave surf competition to save the youth center as a kid.

No kidding.

Yeah, yeah.

So now

we're on the water.

Okay, there's a 150-foot wave coming, right?

Yeah.

And you will be playing the role of George.

Okay.

All right, now hold on.

Is it a two-person scene?

And whenever you do your line, do not mention who you are.

Just be who you are.

Oh, which is great.

Okay.

Okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

Hey, Obama.

Oh, great.

It's the angel of death.

Am I dead?

No, son.

I'm George Washington, the first president of these great United States of America.

Pretty good.

Who lose here?

What do you think of this?

This is great.

Okay.

So, George Washington, what are you doing here?

I saw you from heaven.

Looks like you'd use a little advice.

I suppose I could, George Washington.

If I surfed this wave, it would be the largest in recorded human history.

And if I wipe out, I will surely pass away.

And Apua Rossine is going to fuck my girlfriend and turn the community center into

some kind of Jewish church.

Alright, listen, son.

You know that picture of me crossing the Delaware River?

Yeah, why?

Oh, you ever noticed what I'm doing with my feet?

No, I've been too busy smoking crack cocaine with gay prostitutes and the choom gang.

It's in the book.

It's in the book.

Son, I was the president of the United States.

You think I don't know what it's like to smoke crack with gay prostitutes?

Now grow up.

We did all that shit except for Millard Fillmore.

Fucking pussy.

Anyway, in the picture, I'm sitting on the front of the boat with my ten toes hanging off it.

I will call it hanging 10.

Hanging 10.

That's right, hanging 10.

Why don't you give it a try?

I can't do it, George.

I just can't do it.

Listen, Obama, sometimes.

Sometimes.

You gotta have hope.

The audacity of hope.

Pretty good.

Okay, so Obama serves the big wave.

Oh, we're going.

Okay, so then...

Yeah, but I have all the lines.

That's the last scene.

Why don't I play Obama and you Obama?

No, no, the last scene you're going to be playing, because George comes back, the ghost of George.

So imagine this is kind of like an homage to Star Wars.

So, they're all getting the medals and stuff like that, but then the ghosts are in the back, right?

Okay, so you so I couldn't have done this without our great-grandfather's magical African surfboard.

Then Malik says, What?

I just bought that piece of shit at Home Depot.

Obama, the real magic was inside of you this whole time.

Okay, yeah.

And then I walk away.

I see the ghost of George Washington.

Hello, George.

Hey, Obama.

Listen, I just have one more thing to say.

I lied earlier.

What?

Yeah, I wasn't watching you from heaven.

I was watching you from hell.

And watching you do that surfing made me realize something.

I'd like to apologize for slavery.

I didn't want to do it.

It was wrong.

But I got bullied into it, all of my friends, you know, so I hope you can forgive me.

That means a lot, George.

And I do forgive you.

Goodbye, Obama.

As Obama says this, George Washington's soul is finally allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Bye, George.

Bye, Obama.

And that's...

This is fantastic.

And we got a lot more where that comes from.

That's going to be edited out easily.

And there's a hell of a lot more where that comes from.

Are you continuing, or is that just one scene?

Will you write the whole screenplay?

We're working on it.

I'm thinking maybe you hit up.

Hulu's here.

Maybe we hit up the guys.

We hit up the guys at Casamigos.

And then we hit up maybe,

what are you thinking?

Spielberg?

I mean, he did link him.

I have a question.

Like,

I've asked other character actors this before.

There's like, have you seen Paris, Texas?

Ages and ages ago.

So Harry Dean Stan was this like legendary character actor, and

it was his one starring vehicle, and it was like legendary.

Do you aspire for your own Paris, Texas, one day?

Is that something that you have in your mind?

Or are you like, I'm a team player.

I'm like, I like being on the squad.

It's a really good question.

Thank you.

Whenever I do a play,

I always do the leading role

because

the economic

consequences are not as great in a play.

If you do a movie or a TV show,

you know, people have to run to see you because you're, you know, and I can't generate that.

But in a play, like, you know, out at I do plays at Bay Street Theater out in Sag Harbor, maybe they'll come see the guy who's on television, Richard Kine, and they know me out there and they like me and there's, you know, so I'll always do a leading role.

Do I ever wish for that?

I've had it a few times, actually, but they're not in big movies because big movies,

they can't afford to have me.

Big movies cost a lot of money.

Here's what I'll tell you about George Clooney.

When George Clooney says yes to a movie, An industry opens.

You've got hotels and dry cleaners and restaurants and

a lot of people working.

You have big sets.

A lot of people are working.

Plus, when it comes out, stocks for the company that made the movie will rise and fall.

So a lot of people are impacted financially.

When I do the lead in a movie,

it's a $500,000 movie.

It's $800,000

if you're lucky.

And I get to do, and I don't get paid much, and I get to be the star.

And nobody sees it.

Nobody.

Well we can we can get the word nobody.

Nobody sees it.

I did a movie.

What if you did a switcheroo like George Books, Ocean's short time?

Shut the fuck up Adam.

Adam, shut the fuck up.

I'm thinking

honest stuff here.

This is gold I'm giving you.

And in fact, I'm going out to Montauk to do a movie

from October 21st till November 25th and I am the lead in a movie.

What's the picture?

What is it?

It's called Blueberry Cafe.

Uh-huh.

And you'll never see it.

I will.

I'm hawking it already.

I don't know if it's going to be any good.

I don't know where you'll get to see it.

Who knows if it'll get distributed?

Hopefully on Hulu.

Hulu, come on, Blueberry Cafe.

Come on, Blueberry Cafe.

I'm selling this thing, and it hasn't even been made.

I don't know.

What is wrong with you people?

I don't understand Hulu anymore.

I don't.

Ever since Disney.

I'm not going to get into this.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

I'm not going to get into it.

I love the good folks at Disney.

They've always given me work.

Yeah.

Okay.

What if it said like on the like, you know, billboard?

Yeah.

Hollywood Boulevard, big billboard, Blueberry

Cafe.

Richard Kind,

full frontal nudity for the very first time.

That'll keep them away.

Yeah, yeah.

Dear God.

And don't make me.

How much are they paying me to go see this?

And then there's a pull quote that says, and you won't be disappointed.

Okay.

Are you enjoying this?

I'm having such a good time.

I'm glad.

I'm having such a good time.

I'm glad.

So you've been a, you mentioned Pixar.

You've been a...

I did not mention Pixar.

You mentioned Disney.

You're right.

I did mention Disney.

God, I got out of that.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

For a while, when I was working with them, they weren't Disney.

Yeah.

They were just Pixar.

Yeah.

And then when Disney got involved.

They were great.

They were great.

They continue to be great.

Because their leadership is great.

Yeah.

They're great.

The man named Pete Doctor, who's a good friend of mine.

That's not his name.

Pete Doctor.

Except it's D-O-C-T-E-R.

Oh, okay.

They're now friends of mine.

His wonderful wife, Amanda, who I love Pete.

And then all of a sudden, Amanda came.

I love Amanda.

What does she look like?

She's from Minnesota.

Midwestern, beautiful woman.

Nice.

Very beautiful woman.

Minnesota.

Nice.

And their daughter Ellie,

who is who

Riley is based on Inside Out.

Is a very dear friend of mine, and she runs, or helps to run,

a place that you should go to.

Have you been to the National Comedy Institute?

I practically

built that.

Adam?

Yeah, no, I never have.

Where is it?

Always got to be for you.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Always a little snarky.

I'm insecure.

I'm insecure going.

Okay.

I got a lot of problems.

I'm going to help you.

I have a lot of problems.

I'm going to help you.

There is a place up in Jamestown, New York.

It's the National Comedy Institute.

You think that I'm lying, it is like the Baseball Hall of Fame.

It's like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

This is sort of the Comedy Hall of Fame.

There's a lot of people you know who have put money into it and stuff.

They now have an exhibit, a Carl Reiner exhibit, that I spent two days watching old clips and reading.

The best.

The best.

They have all of Joan Rivers' jokes and the best.

They have

George Carlin's daughter.

Was instrumental

and a prior's daughter, instrumental in giving stuff.

The place has so many things.

Do you know what they have there?

Alan Brady's desk.

Do you know who Alan Brady is?

Yeah, of course.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, they have all this, this stuff.

It's a great place.

For those of you who like this particular show, make a trek up to

the comedy museum.

You'll go in for a day.

You'll want to stay three or four.

It's just fantastic.

Do they have like a field of dreams?

Do they have like a club?

Like a...

You know what I mean?

Can I be honest?

Yeah.

They have a room based on Caroline's Comedy Club.

Oh, R.I.P.

What?

It's gone.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you were talking about Caroline.

Caroline's a a friend.

Do you want to know how I know Caroline?

Caroline's all right.

You want to know how I want to?

You want to know how Caroline's.

This is a very interesting story.

Does it have an ending?

Is it a joke?

No.

No, okay.

You could tell any kind of story.

Okay.

In my early, early days, I was a singing raider out in the Hamptons.

Okay, so that's how I made my rent money.

So I'm out in the Hamptons and in West Hampton.

West Hampton.

The provinces.

So in West Hampton, and there was a club called Toraz,

and Caroline Hirsch used to come with Neil Hirsch, who was in Time magazine as, in that day,

this is 40 years ago, one of the youngest millionaires, he was the top 100 millionaires in America under 30.

Neil Hirsch.

Caroline Hirsch was married to him.

They used to come in, they used to order Dom Perignon.

Whenever anybody ordered Dom Perignon, you were going to get a decent tip.

He used to tip $100.

He was beloved.

That was good.

$100.

40 years ago as a tip?

He could have done better than that.

Okay.

So,

we were a singing waiter.

Okay, I was a singing waiter, and Caroline loved us, and she loved the singing waiter.

What was your big song?

There is nothing like a dame.

What's yours?

A little couple, a little bar.

We got sunlight on the sand, we got moonlight on the sea, we got mangoes and bananas you can pick right off a tree.

We got volleyball and baseball and a lot of fancy games.

What ain't we got, got?

We ain't got dames.

There's a lot of things in life and beautiful, but brother, there is one.

Okay, okay.

Anyway,

and I used to do that, and I used to do,

oh, I'm the king of the swingers.

Oh, the jungle VIP.

I reached the top and I had to stop, and that's what's bothering me.

There are people who know where that's from.

I know where that's from.

You know where it's from?

Where?

It's from

Pink Floyd the Wall.

No, it's Disney.

Oh, I'm the king of the swingers.

Oh, king of the jungle, VIP.

Yeah.

I reached the top and had to stop, and that's what's bothering me.

So I did that.

So we did these songs.

You are so bored.

You're looking at your notes.

What are we going to talk about?

Just let me finish the story.

It's an interesting story.

So they used to come in.

Caroline loved the singing waiters.

So what did she do?

On 28.

8th Street, she opened, or 26th Street, she opened a restaurant.

Caroline's had singing waiters, okay?

And we would perform, people would perform.

I didn't work there, but I would come by and we would sing Tuesday through Sunday.

So, what does she do on Mondays?

So, she says, you know what?

On Mondays, I'll have stand-up comedians come.

So, on Mondays, we're stand-up comedy night.

Well, Mondays became very popular.

So, Mondays became Tuesday, became Wednesday, Thursday, and seven days a week.

Singing waiters gone.

She had a comedy club.

And that's how Caroline's got started.

Have you ever done stand-up?

Never.

Never.

No.

You'd be good.

Uh, no.

Can I write for you?

If somebody wrote for me and I could really do good, in a heartbeat, I'd be really good.

But I'm not that witty.

Would I be able to handle hecklers or stuff like that?

No one's going to heckle you.

You're a beloved.

You always get heckled.

But

I'm not that good to write for myself.

But yes, I'm pretty good.

I can't do that.

I check how good that Barack Obama's script was.

We could do this and we could write you in tight five in two minutes.

Yeah.

It wouldn't even take a lot of time.

I may need help on something because I host a lot of charity events, so I need help.

But I did write two jokes that are pretty funny.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

You're going to like this.

Of course.

Wait, can I intro you?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to say to you got to walk on the stage.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to tell this.

Ladies and gentlemen, come up next to the stage.

You're really going to like this.

This guy is

new to comedy, but I think he's going straight to the top.

Richard, the entertainer, everybody.

Thank you.

So,

my wife,

my wife was raised Episcopalian, and then she married me and converted to anti-Semitism.

Oh, that's good.

It's a pretty good joke.

And

I got to tell you,

I feel very bad right now.

I'm not very sad.

I'll start from the beginning.

My grandmother once told my family that

she would rather die than go into an old age home.

Okay.

And today

we shot her.

It's an okay joke.

Yeah.

It's an okay joke.

Okay, so you see, maybe I died.

You shot your grandmother.

That's what I did.

I thought that was.

Maybe you didn't like that joke.

It reminded me of the old job.

When it worked at Second City, when I used to have to introduce scenes, I used to do that joke.

No, no, I just was reminded of that old guy in the elevator with the piss.

I don't want to get old.

The Adam Freelancer, everybody.

You famously said you'll do anything, right?

Anything.

Anything.

I'll act.

Yeah, I like it.

I love that too, because

I pretty much do anything.

There's such a

bullshit thing.

When you're a working actor, you're on planes all the time.

You're going to set for a week.

you know.

There are things that are longer per se.

For a day.

For a day.

For a day.

You're all over the show.

All over.

But there is like this,

I think, bullshit that that cuts through, right?

Where you're like, I'll fucking do anything.

I don't give a hell.

I will tell you

the stuff that I won't do.

Since I did Serious Man, I get offered every Jewish role.

Every Jewish role.

Isn't that just so offensive?

It's not that offensive.

I don't blame them.

But I won't do it.

Why would they even cast

the title?

But I won't.

If the role wears its Judaism on its sleeve, like playing a rabbi or speaking Yiddish, stuff like that, I say no.

If it has hints of it, like let's say a brash producer, which you go, oh my god, what a Jew or something like that.

That doesn't matter.

But if it wears its Judaism on its sleeve,

I will turn it down.

Come on, dude.

Continue.

Continue.

Come on, dude.

Okay, so we're not going to do that next pitch that I have for you.

I was going to.

He's a Jewish surfboarder.

No.

It's a rabbi and police.

It's not very inspirational.

It's about the first Jew who died in the Holocaust.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, it's like, come on, it's one Jew.

No, he's like in line.

He's like in line for the train.

He's like, how long is this going to take?

And then the the other Jews are like, Can you just take him first?

The first

long.

The first Jew to die in the Holocaust.

The first Jew.

It's not a very long movie.

Kind of the Holocaust story.

Sorry, that's Larry.

I mean, so what's the big deal?

Are they really that?

I mean, how dangerous could they be?

Show some gumption, Hulu.

Back a project.

Actually, the first Jew.

I think it's a good idea.

We can stretch that out in 90 minutes, 95 minutes.

Oh, my God.

They call him the world's most Jewish man.

Okay.

Actually,

here's a...

Have you ever read that article about the two...

Oh, God, I talk about Jews too much.

You do?

I talk too much.

You know, my therapist, I realized I was going to...

A Jew?

No.

He said,

I could never stick with the therapist.

He said, you bring up being Jewish all the time.

And I'm like,

I I do.

You do.

He's like, Yeah, and it's always in the negative.

Yeah, but I was like, But a Jewish therapist would have been like, Of course, it's terrible.

No, no,

you bring it up because it's funny

because you can mine a lot of jokes from being Jewish.

I do.

This is going to be Jew, but whatever.

What are you going to do?

You're sitting and watching the Protocols of the Elders of Zion show right now.

Look at the two of us.

You're watching the.

This is the meeting.

We're going to call this episode the meeting.

There were two Jews left in Afghanistan

that refused to leave during the Taliban, right?

This is a true story.

And they didn't want to fucking go.

They were just too stubborn and they hated each other.

They despised each other.

There were two left and they fucking hated each other.

And then the Taliban arrested them and they were in jail

together and they hated each other so much and they were so annoying that the Taliban literally let them go.

Oh, God, that's the Taliban literally released them from the prison.

And I'm like, that's just a.

I think that's a movie.

That's a fucking movie.

That's a movie.

I can tell you that.

I'm not, not because you're here.

Just not because you're here.

That would be an interesting story.

It would be an interesting story.

Yeah, because it's an interesting story.

It would be an interesting story.

And the hook being the Taliban.

But

this has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but Raymond Chandler and

Billy Wilder

had the right double indemnity, the screenplay.

And they put them in a cabin together.

They hated each other.

Hated each other.

Really?

Hated each other.

No, was it Raymond Chandler?

Because I get them confused.

I think it might be.

Was it Chandler or was it the other one who wrote

it's an adaptation of a Chandler book, right?

Yeah, but

who wrote The Maltese Falcon?

Who wrote

one is one is sort of a higher class guy.

Hammett.

Dash will have it.

Dashle Hammett.

But I don't think it was Hammett.

It was Raymond Chandler.

It was Chandler.

It was Chandler and Wilder were together, and they hated each other.

Hated each other.

But look what comes out of hate.

Yeah.

Double indemnity.

This episode, in fact.

The greatest episode of the Adam True.

In fact, there's three hates going on.

There's two people self-hating ourselves,

and then there's

where were you like around nine months before april uh 1987

did you oh is that your birthday

did i your mom i mean amazing i your mom this could be like my dog as a through line this is gonna be a beautiful through line a perfect ending for the episode and i think this might be the the only time i've ended an episode properly what's your mom's name joanne

it was my late mother i'm not trying to bring

What?

Your grandmother's living.

Isn't that a

good thing?

I could fuck your grandma.

Isn't that a disgrace?

I'll be in Botswana.

I could fuck your grandmother.

Please let me fuck your grandmother.

Please like my dog.

And the way she talks.

You have a talk.

You like.

She doesn't talk like a Jew.

She talks like a jewel.

She talks

like a Jew.

I could fuck that.

She's.

I mean, she just got a hip.

Perfect.

Apparently she was.

So she won't just lie there like a lox.

Apparently.

She'll really move because she's got it.

Titanium's got moves.

Titanium hip.

If anyone's got it.

Bring it on, sweetheart.

My grandmother, Esther, both my grandmas were named Esther, but this one was the one with the moves.

Let me tell you.

I mean, I could speak ill of the dead.

I really didn't want to fuck Joanne again.

I will say.

You were enough.

Please.

But I'd like to fuck Esther.

This could be.

Either Esther.

This is like the, well, the other one.

In fact, that's the name of my autobiography.

Either Esther.

The other Esther was such a psycho that after she drove her husband to an early grave, she slept with a man's watch on the opposite bedside table to make people think she was getting late.

She was a psychopath.

Anyway,

what time is it?

Let's talk to you later.

I gotta go.

Reach and kind, everybody.

That was awesome.

That was just like natural.

You're the man.

You're the man.

Every now and then I rinse it out.

And I need downy rinse tonight.

And I need it more.

I can't wait for the bed and the smell of the leaves.

I don't know what to do.

I'm always in the dark.

The swecking deck short smells like a dark bar.

Downy rinse fights stubborn odors in just one wash.

When impossible odors get stuck in, rinse it out.