MICHAEL KNOWLES Talks Theater, Daily Wire, Conservative Media

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a lot of your thing is you just debate gay people I

I mean I did one recently is Knowles versus transgenderism Knowles versus protesters that's got 2.4 million oh people will come story of D transitioning 1.4 million I was gay She was trans 1.1 million no longer gay No longer gay not dating trans is bigoted So you argue with gay people.

No, I all the time.

They argue with me.

You could have gone to finance.

Why do you like you went to Yale?

Why do you do?

Oh, my

favorite true.

Oh,

Good evening and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm Adam Friedland.

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They look good.

My guest this week is conservative political commentator from the Daily Wire, Michael Knowles.

His podcast, The Michael Knowles Show, has amassed millions of followers and over 1.5 billion views, making him one of the most prominent conservative pundits in media today.

A former actor known for his traditionalist Christian perspective on American politics, Knowles has openly expressed his opposition to LGBTQ rights, specifically amongst children.

Now, those of you who know what's in my heart on this issue know that Michael Knowles and I couldn't disagree more.

I am a proud supporter of gays, and I don't want anyone to confuse me having someone like Michael Knowles on the show for supporting his point of view in any way.

So that's why, in true talk show style, I think it's a good idea to lead us into this interview.

I made a list.

This is my top 10 gay guys from history.

All right, 10.

Caravaggio, my goat painter, obviously, nine.

Elton John, he raised a ton of money for AIDS in Africa, and he wrote some of the most legendary songs with Bernie Taupin, his songwriting partner.

Eight

Play-Doh, Enough Said, everyone knows.

Seven, Tim Cook.

I mean, I don't know if I'm alone in this, but when Steve Jobs died, I really thought Apple was cooked, but then they had someone, they had Cook come that

come chef it.

Yeah.

Six, Alan Turing, one of the smartest gay guys of all time.

His math was won the war for,

I think, what did he do?

Benedict Cumberben Batch.

I didn't see that movie.

Did you see it?

Okay.

Five, Oscar Wilde.

I love his sayings.

He's brilliant.

His wit is brilliant.

And his style, flamboyant style was awesome.

Four, George Michael.

He was Greek and gay.

Double trouble.

Three, Tim Dylan.

He's actually gay.

I don't know if you guys knew that.

He's gay to Wentworth Miller from the show of Prison Break.

Apparently, he's gay, and I love that show.

One,

this is my god, Nathan Lane, personal favorite of mine.

His performance,

have you seen the birdcage?

His performance as Albert in the birdcage is perhaps the funniest movie character I've ever seen.

His range is really what impresses me.

The thing is, he could play some of the most iconic straight characters, too.

He was, a lot of you might not know, he played Timon,

the Lion King.

These are some of our most talented artists, performers, thinkers.

These people are unparalleled in their fields.

But to people like Michael Knowles,

these are people that have problems and they suffer from some sort of spiritual affliction.

So how can you have an honest and meaningful dialogue with someone like that?

Well, you'll just have to see.

So please please enjoy my conversation with Michael Knowles.

All right, we ready, Michael?

I'm ready.

Is it Michael or Mike or Mikey?

I defer to you.

I generally go for Michael, but I defer to you.

Well, I generally go for Michael.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, prominent conservative pundit from the Daily Wire, Michael Knowles, everybody.

Wow.

Thank you.

It's a full house.

Thank you.

Yeah, full house at the end.

We collected these guys from Times Square, a bunch of fat tourists.

We're pressed for time.

You have to go to where?

LaGuardia.

LaGuardia.

I do.

I have to.

That's the destination.

It is.

That Delta Lounge.

I could stay there all day.

Actually, the TWA hotel is quite nice.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah.

That's where

you can take a nap there, actually.

I've taken a nap there before.

Okay.

Yeah.

Let's go into you.

You know, our audience is like, barely can read.

So like we're going to have to introduce you a little bit.

And then I want to get into kind of like, I've been watching a bunch of stuff you've done and I think it's pretty interesting.

And I kind of want to discuss a couple things about yourself, about where things are at currently.

And then,

I don't know, we can.

I don't know.

I'll show you some TikToks or something.

Great.

Okay.

Okay.

So you're from Westchester?

Yes.

Correct.

And then you went you went to Yale.

I did.

But you were a child actor?

I was.

Yeah, I did a little acting as a child and a little bit in my early 20s.

Was your mom taking you to the city for auditions?

No, she really discouraged it, actually.

Your mom didn't want to?

Yeah, she because child actors go crazy and they're exploited a lot.

Yeah.

So I really wanted to be an actor as a kid.

And I would do little things, commercials or whatever, but she really put the kibosh on it.

And but I would, finally I convinced her to let me do a acting conservatory type thing, right around here actually.

And so I did that a little bit.

A little bit in college, a a little bit in New York afterward.

And then my final gig, I got some low-budget movie in LA, and it wrapped photography on the day of the 2016 election.

The election results were coming in, and everyone really liked me on the set.

I was very popular.

But then they were all getting really sad, and I was not getting sad.

And then they realized my political views, and they liked me less, I concluded.

Oh, man, you should have seen Brooklyn on that night.

Were you at the center?

I would say this probably was a big the show.

I said it the other day.

No, I wasn't at the Javits center.

I wasn't getting things thrown at me by Hillary.

No.

I mean, it is kind of such a comedy of errors, that whole thing.

It was amazing.

And frankly, there were a lot of conservatives, a lot of the real establishment types, were devastated.

They thought it could not happen.

Well, Reince was like trying to throw another body at Trump every week during that primary.

He was like, Ted, just try this week.

And he was like, yeah, Mark.

And he was like, you gay, your wife, I have dirt on your wife.

You know, Reinz then ended up becoming chief of staff.

It's amazing how that didn't work out very well.

I, yeah.

Yeah, little Marco's now the Secretary of State.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's funny when they were all humiliated publicly by this guy, and then they were like phone banking, depressed.

Yeah, there's a picture of Ted phone banking during the general, like this.

Well, you know, this is the thing I really like about Trump and all those guys.

They were always accused of taking everything personally.

They took nothing personally,

including Trump.

I think he hurt their feelings.

I think he hurt their feelings.

He was a brutal, he was an insult comic for the entire 16 years.

He was Lisa Lampin.

He was like, Andre Joan Rivers became the president.

Fashion Police became the president.

She was like, Kesha, I love your outfit.

It would look better on a woman.

Yeah, like, that's basically it.

Yeah.

I do say often, like, he does, like,

he does act a lot like

the

women in my family.

A lot.

Like, no one respects me.

You wish I was dead.

You'll be happy when I'm dead.

You're very unfair.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

He's the first Jewish woman president.

And you know why, too?

It's because he's from Queens.

He's an outer borough New Yorker.

Yes, when he would do, he would do this thing, no one understood it.

He'd put things in quotes, like, I'm really good, or whatever.

You know,

I'm the best president.

And he writes like my grandmother used to write in New York.

He used the quotes to be like boldface or something and random capitalizations.

But that is, New Yorkers Yorkers of a certain era, era rather,

that's how they would write, you know?

And so I don't know.

I felt very familiar with it.

There was a moment I kind of felt like he was for real

when he was like, they were like, how can we, it was like Ted, or Ted, I think he was like, how can we vote for Donald when he gave buddy to Hillary Clinton?

And he's like, I'm rich, I give money to Hillary.

I bribe everybody.

Yeah, and it's just like, but for the public, like the public knew that that was true, but

no one had admitted it.

It was kind of like a mask off moment where it's like, this is a a thing that we all know is true.

And I'm like, oh, damn, I think he's actually for real.

Well, that was the read of authenticity, is he would do a bit about running for president.

Like he would even joke, he'd say, all right, I'm going to be really presidential today.

Today's my day to be presidential.

And it read is quite sincere.

I mean,

he was renegotiating his contract with Jeff Zucker for Apprentice.

He didn't want to be the president.

He just realized that the rest of these people are such losers that he could actually win.

It's kind of like me becoming the most famous late night talk talk show.

You're the Joe Rogan of the left, I heard.

I'm Joe Rogan.

I read that.

I read that somewhere.

I'm the fucking

Mahatma Gandhi of Generation Alpha.

The newspaper wrote three articles that

I don't even know how to read, my brother.

I know, but you're very famous now.

This is.

I'm not very famous.

I'm not like Brad Pitt.

You're not, you're quite famous.

I'm incredibly famous.

Extremely, extremely.

So, wait, so you went to Yale

from

your childhood in Westchester.

Yeah.

You're a Yanks fan?

Yankees fan, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

How's it feel right now?

I kind of.

It's kind of different now.

I stopped the religious viewing of the games halfway through the summer.

I took my kid, though, to his first ever Yankee Red Sox game over the summer.

And we lost again.

I think it was the new stadium.

It was, yeah, listen, I love the old stadium.

The new stadium, it was like, it's a corporate headquarters.

It's soulless.

It's sort of like the Coliseum.

Like, I'm not totally opposed to it.

It's this symbol of imperial power.

But I agree, it doesn't have

that same soul.

The fans aren't dickheads anymore.

You guys used to be fucking dickheads.

I was walking, it was out of the old stadium, I think it was, and it was a Yankees Red Sox game 20 years ago.

And there was, I don't know what happened, but some Red Sox fan was being beaten, beaten to a pulp on the street.

I thought, ah, yes.

It used to be,

it used to mean something.

We used to throw, Pedro used to assault Zim.

Yeah, that's right.

Do you remember when his fat ass got thrown to the ground by Pedro?

In fairness, just waddling up.

Zim kind of started it.

I mean, he charged him.

You know, he was the one who charged him.

And then one time Big Poppy spit his gum at me at the state.

I was heckling him.

He did.

He was walking to the dugout.

Yeah.

What did you say?

He was a kid or whatever.

You said, Deport, Deport.

I did.

You did.

What did you say?

Tom Homan's going to get you.

No, I didn't.

It was so badass after the Boston bombing when he was like, Deesar Fulky seed.

Do you remember that?

I don't remember that.

He was addressing the stadium.

He goes, Dees are folky seed.

I gotta go.

Don't curse, please.

Don't curse.

Dude, yeah.

I mean, they were kind of like the Washington Heights team, though.

They had Manny, they had Poppy.

They were a very Dominican team.

They're very Dominican.

Yeah.

And he, Big Poppy is my fellow cigar man.

He's a cigar manufacturer.

Oh, really?

Yeah,

that's the only thing he and I have in common.

Why is it good in communist Cuba?

Why are those considered the best?

Well, they were considered the best.

I think the quality has gone down a lot, mostly because the Chinese bought them and

it's been declining since communism.

But, you know, it's like, why is Bordeaux wine so good?

It's just the dirt in the sun, basically.

Okay.

And they have good dirt?

And they have good dirt in Cuba.

The problem is the quality has declined.

So you buy a box of Cuban cigars, you might have to throw out half the box.

They don't even smoke.

You can barely light them.

And so if you want really good cigars, you've got to get Mayflower cigars, in my experience.

Is that yours?

Coincidentally, it's mine, yeah.

You named it after the

Puritans?

Yeah, the boat, yeah.

Oh my god, you guys are obsessed with the dumbest shit.

The founding of America?

Okay.

The Buckles guys?

They weren't the founders of America.

They were guys that didn't want to have sex and they just came over.

They had a lot of sex.

You know, I descend from some of them.

They had enough sex to produce me.

Yeah, like three times, dude.

They were the guy, they were the prudes, weren't they?

They were, you know, look, I'm not a Puritan because I'm a Catholic.

Yeah.

So they're probably rolling in their graves.

But they were feckin'.

They were a feckin' lot.

They were feckin'.

They were feckin'.

You have Mayflower blood, though?

I do, yeah.

Even though I'm kind of swarthy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not swarthy.

You touch a swarm.

You like to, like, you play up, you play up Itralian?

I'm exotic.

So that's, is that your, like, you're, that's your wheelhouse at the Daily Wire?

You're the ituralian?

I'm the diversity hire, yeah.

It is kind of like, it's kind of like barstool sports, right?

Like, you guys, like...

Have you ever heard that comparison yet?

Well, it's just like, it's like you guys have all the talent.

I was looking at the roster.

You have everyone except for Candace.

We had Candace.

Quintez.

Oh, you had Candace.

And then you don't have like Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

You don't have that guy.

No, we don't.

We went to the house.

Get him to the Greek.

I don't know.

His name is Candace.

He does not wear shoes.

He's like doing yoga, and he's like, wokeness is a desire.

Oh, Russell Brandt.

Russell Brandt.

Russell Brandstro.

What happened to that guy?

He...

I thought he was going to convert.

I heard he was considering.

Maybe he might have been baptized.

He was baptized, and he was praying the rosary, but I don't know that he became Catholic.

Okay, so wait, let's back up a bit, right?

So you went to Yale, you went to L.A.

to become an actor?

Yeah, well, New York a little bit, and then I went to L.A.

Yeah, yeah.

I saw a reel of some of your work.

Did it suck?

Were you repped in L.A.?

I was repped, yeah.

And in New York Yes.

Who were you with?

I was with DDO Artists, which was a small artist.

That sounds pedophilic.

What is DDO Artists?

What did it stand for?

Dorothy Deotis, I think.

Oh, he was getting turned out.

Left and right.

No one can hear you scream from the Hollywood Hills.

No, no,

those were my reps in uh new york but then i came

no not no not those guys you're in talent yeah yeah they who you who you got on your roster

did you ever get invited to a freak off when you were a young guy not not once though i david geffin never invited you no i never made it that far i don't know i only did the low-budget movies and the off off broadway plays you know i never i never got far enough to go to a freak off oh man it would be an honor i would

you know

hi hello sir hi nice to meet you i was invited to to a freak off.

Were you?

Yeah, and it turned out that it was only just the Monopoly man.

Rich Uncle Pennybags.

It was just one guy.

That's his name.

You know the name of the Monopoly Man?

That's his Christian name.

Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm descended from him, Toronto.

Oh, my God.

Okay, wait, so if you're sitting next to someone on a plane, right, and they're like, what do you do?

Yeah.

Right?

It's like dicey, because people

want to scrap these days.

They do.

What do you say to like some, like, let's imagine I'm like the old, like a Jew, the most

Jewish, like

a 65-year-old woman.

No, yeah.

So I could go any direction on you.

Yes.

What would you say?

So

what do you do for a living?

Ma'am, can I offer you a hangout?

What do you do for a living?

I work in media.

I work in media.

Oh, so you're Jewish?

What do you do?

What do you do in media?

It's online media.

It's kind of new media.

What does that mean?

Oh, I am.

I'm old.

Are you on Facebook?

Yeah, I do.

I am.

I'm on Facebook in MySpace in Sangha.

And I, you know, a little bit with the news, a little culture.

It's a little theology and philosophy.

Yeah.

Theology and philosophy.

Yeah, a little touch of that.

You do podcasts?

I do a podcast.

But everyone does.

Every white man under 70 has a podcast.

Is that right?

Yes, that's by federal law, I think.

Yeah.

Every one of them.

Zach doesn't have a podcast.

You don't have a podcast?

He has a band, dude.

Are you a white millennial man?

You are.

Jewish.

Yeah, I mean, it it kind of cuts both ways.

In America, it's white.

Yeah.

Wow.

We have to rectify that wrong.

We've got to get him a podcast.

Oh, I thought you meant take white away.

Take his whiteness away.

Your card's revoked.

So how'd you link up with the goat?

How'd you meet the goat?

With Mr.

Shapiro, you know.

Yeah, yeah, Mr.

Shapiro.

Well, it was this lovely elderly Jewish woman on the airplane.

She's like, I have a son?

Are you in podcast?

You have to meet him.

Let me show you some pictures of Benjamin.

Ma'am, why are you screaming?

The air marshal's coming.

So I met them because I knew

Drew Clavin.

I worked with Drew Clavin, whose son I went to school with, and I directed him in opera and stuff.

And I worked in politics and a little bit in show business.

And so I connected with them.

And there was this group in Hollywood of conservatives who worked in all sorts of different parts of entertainment.

Hollywood conservatives.

James Woods?

James Woods, yeah, he was one of them.

He was in there.

John Voigt, of course, is

very famous.

Many secretive people who don't want their names revealed.

Is it like homosexuals in the 50s?

Yes, it was.

It was.

You're also a confirmed bachelor.

No, it wasn't.

That's what being a Hollywood conservative is?

Yeah, it was literally, it was called Friends of Abe, like Friends of Dorothy, like you were a gay guy in the 50s.

That's actually where we got Abe Lincoln.

Oh, I thought you meant like Friends, it's like a, it sounds like

Abraham.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Well, they were all Jews, obviously, also.

That's disgusting.

That kind of vile anti-Semitism was a little bit more than a lot of people.

Another thing is, like, also, like, conserving American culture is like, it kind of is, you know, the WAPs, us, and then, and cool black people that gave them the culture, yeah.

We brought

the mafia, yeah.

What, no, no, I mean, the Medagon, like, what, what movies have they made?

Medagon, yeah, they, hmm.

I mean, look, they inspired the real WASPs inspired a great cigar company that wrote

nothing.

Is that Goodfellas?

Is that Casino?

Yeah, no, listen.

Is that freaking 2D fruity?

I'm just saying, like, what's one song that Medagon have made?

We made the Christmas songs.

We made the Christmas songs.

We wrote, Jewish, Irving Berlin wrote, like,

I'm dreaming of a white Christian artist.

I love it.

It's like, hey, name me a black hip-hop artist.

Little Richard.

Little 2D Fruity.

That's the one.

That's the one.

He's not a hip-hop artist.

No, he's not.

He was a homosexual piano player that inspired everyone.

Yeah.

He was incredible.

You know, 2D Frutti's original lyric was Big Booty?

No, it wasn't.

It's a song about anal sex.

I swear to God.

No, no, that's a true thing.

Like 2D Frutti.

Big Booty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

Big Booty.

Wow.

I'm not even making that.

I want to fact check on that.

Is there a garage?

Yeah, well,

you do a daily wine fact check.

I'm like,

we'll see if it's really a song about gay sex.

Actually, the idea.

Wait, so you, so through Claven, you met Ben?

Yeah, I met Ben, had dinner early on when I moved to LA with Ben.

And Ben was kind of known at the time.

Like, he'd been on.

Where do you have dinner?

A kosher restaurant or at at least?

Yeah, it was at Clavin's house.

At Clavin's house.

Yeah, we had

bacon-wrapped scallops.

Is Clavin kosher?

No, no.

Ben's kosher, though.

Ben's kosher.

Yeah, yeah.

So, how did he eat?

We didn't let him eat.

No, it was just water.

He said that he had water?

No, I don't know.

He ate some.

Maybe we might have ordered in kosher or something for it.

Kosher Chinese.

Yeah.

Shalom.

I think all Chinese is kosher, isn't it?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Mushu pork is good.

But he looked.

Does Ben Ben used to live in L.A.?

Pico Robertson?

He grew up in LA.

Pico Robertson?

Yeah, I think so.

No, that or the valley.

He might have.

He was living in the valley by the end of it, but he might have grown up in Pico Robertson.

What's it?

So is the where are you based?

You're based in

Nashville.

In Nashville.

And Ben's in Miami?

Ben is, yeah, the promised land of Boca Raton.

Oh, my God.

He said there were only about seven Jews in the state of Tennessee, which is an overestimate.

And so he high-tailed it.

He went to Florida.

Tell me about Ben.

Like, tell me about his intelligence and, like, what

as a leader.

That guy's never read a book.

He doesn't, what does he know?

Would he like me?

He, he, hmm.

We've only spent about 10 minutes together.

I can't, I can't come to a conclusion.

So the answer is no?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Can you see that?

You don't like BB.

I mean, that might be a knock against you.

But I don't know.

That doesn't mean I'm a bad guy.

You might be a good guy.

I just don't know.

He could like me as a guy.

He could.

I don't know.

I mean,

he's more important than just a new guy that you're talking about.

You know.

Yeah, but I mean, well, what if you came out?

What if I said that Ben is I like Ben?

Do you like Ben?

I like watching Ben.

Do you?

Do you?

Yeah.

Are you a Shapiro head?

I find it entertaining.

Not in like an LOL way.

I just like the way he works.

Yes.

And I like the way he works.

The fact that you...

I like to see the boy do work.

Yeah, you say, cook.

Let Ben cook.

Ben, because Ben doesn't care about making friends ever, he...

He has no friends.

He actually has friends, as I've tried to.

He once said to me, he goes, I don't have any friends.

I was like, what am I?

He said that you're not his friend?

He implied it.

He heavily implied it.

Did you tell him that I'm actually your friend?

I'm friends with you.

Yeah,

we're friends.

And what was his response?

He said, Ana, some people are family people.

Some people are friends people.

I'm a family guy.

Could you send Ben like a...

Just send Ben a picture of me right now.

Yeah, I'll send a picture right now.

Let's see.

Yeah, yeah.

Just tell him I say what.

Shinata Va!

You're going to send Ben that picture?

I'm sending it right now.

I'm going to text it to him right now.

Wait, can I see the pig?

Yeah.

Do I look cool?

Yeah, it looks good.

It's kind of foggy.

I don't know what I've got.

It's kind of white.

You have like skin like oil on your camera.

I do.

You're small.

Oh, you are a proper Italian.

I am producing it.

Yeah, you get

Adam Friedland.

Adam Friedland,

he says, Shana Tova.

You a picture from the show.

He says, Shana Tova.

Tova.

Yeah, yeah.

And I say, next year in Jerusalem.

Next year in Jerusalem.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Wait, so let's, so are you like, you, are you considering, are you the Seth Meyers?

The Seth Myers.

That's very offensive.

Thank you very much.

No, no, not.

I'm the Marlon Brando.

No, I'm saying, are you like the Conan to his Leno?

I

are you the number two bull in the stable.

Yeah, I, man, could I be the what could I be the I don't know?

I'm just saying Ben Cabot to his

Ben's the top dog.

Ben's the guy, he's the top dog.

Okay, so then

are you you conceive of yourself as the

No, in a way because we do different things and the thing about the Daily Wire, also with Matt and other people we've had, we do all disagree on a lot of things.

I mean, you know.

About what?

Oh, who's the worst minority?

Yeah.

Yeah,

all of them.

We actually agree on that.

No, we disagree on, you know, there are a lot of different ways to come at the conservative view.

Yeah.

And Ben is a little more libertarian generally.

I'm a little more traditionalist for Catholic.

Yeah, yeah.

But you started as atheist?

Yes.

Well, I was a cradle Catholic, fell away at my confirmation.

I was an atheist.

Cradle Catholic is a little.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, we baptize infants, which I think is a good thing.

You try to baptize Ben?

I've never tried.

I've threatened it.

I thought you said

you tried to do a prank where you have a Dixie cup of water.

You know, one time I was boring Ben by talking about religion and like sacramental incarnational theology, and I could tell I was boring him a lot.

And so I was like, fine, fine, fine.

All right, I'll knock it off.

I was like, but we were on an airplane.

I said, if the plane gets shaky,

just to be safe.

So he goes to heaven.

That would be an act of charity, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I think he took it that way.

Honestly, can I get Ben's number?

Because I have a good counter prank.

Imagine you show up for a meeting, right?

You have like, you know, freaking, you know, you have Emperor Palpatine, Miriam Adelson.

You got the whole squad.

That's our board of directors.

Yeah, yeah, you got the whole squad, and then he's got a moil there, and he's like,

it's your turn.

It's your turn.

He's got like a long with a long beard.

He's like, it's time for your brisk.

That's Tibet.

Presumably it.

That's how you join the club, dog.

I heard a foreskin joke yesterday.

Let's hear it.

It's kind of bawdy.

I don't do baudy jokes.

I'm a very holistic.

Whatever, you're on a gross show.

Okay, all right.

So I heard this just yesterday, actually.

I'm serious.

Who did you hear it from?

I heard it from a man in this room.

I heard it from one of my colleagues.

I'm not going to say which.

I'm not going to say which.

Lauren Boebert?

Yeah.

It was him.

My man.

I don't know why I did that.

I meant this.

He gave me a Zin before this.

You didn't give me a Zin.

I kind of want, I like that ashtra.

I kind of want to smoke on this set, but we don't have any cigars.

Could I?

Not a cigar, dude.

Yeah, that's all I like to smoke.

What are you freaking Charlie Chaplin?

Yeah, I'm Groucho Mark.

Well, let's hear your fucking dick, Joe.

Okay, all right.

So

I can't take credit for this.

Okay.

A career moil.

He retires.

And

as part of his career, he's collected all of them over the years.

Really?

Yes.

And

so he, as a retirement gesture, he goes to a leather worker and he says, this is, I've collected these for my whole career.

And

I would like you to turn it into something for me, to remember my career.

And so the guy, he says, okay, all right, come back in a week.

Comes back and he says, okay, I've made you this

beautiful wallet.

No, no, no, it's a wallet.

He says, hold on.

I've been in this line of work for 30 years.

All you could make is a wallet.

And the leather worker says, yes, but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase.

Oh, okay.

Incredibly offensive, actually.

Actually, I'm going to tell Ben you said that.

I might be anti-Semitic, I don't care.

It just really hurts my feelings.

Yeah,

because babies can get boaters.

Great joke, dude.

Makes total sense.

You fucking crazy.

You're reading too.

You're reading too much into it.

It's freaking nasty, gross creep.

Why don't you debate 20 Jews?

Surround it.

All right.

How has, like, so you kind of got into the conservative media ecosystem like 2018?

No, well, I worked in politics from when I was like 19 years old.

Okay.

I worked my first campaign, which was successful.

I was kind of involved in it

at a higher level.

And we were running against this congressman who was a rock star in the 80s.

He was in the band Orleans.

You know, like, still the one that makes it, it was like that.

Great song.

Yeah, great song.

And so anyway,

I did this bit called The Young Voters for an Orleans Reunion Tour.

And I ripped off all his songs, and it was about, you know, making...

Parodies?

They were parodies.

He threatened to sue me.

So

what was the name of your song?

I'm going to listen to one.

It was Vote With Me.

Vote With Me.

Let's Vote John Wall.

Vote With Me is the parody of Still the One?

No, I've Dance With Me.

Dance With Me.

I Want to Be Your Partner.

That's a good song.

That's a disgusting song.

What do you mean that's a disgusting song?

I say girlfriend, actually.

Okay?

We're not in a real estate practice together.

Vote with me

by, okay, by Orleans.

No, the song is by the young voters for New Orleans Reunion.

So you're claiming that your lame-ass songs beat this congressman?

Yeah.

You're out of your mind.

No, I mean, look, we had a great candidate.

What a waste of a Yale education.

This is what I was telling you as a sophomore or something.

Anyway, then I got recruited to other campaigns.

I was working in campaigns.

To make songs?

To make songs.

That was my artistic career.

So anyway, I was working in them, and I really liked it.

I mean, I was a political junkie from a kid.

And so I was doing that.

Yeah, I mean, I had a political consulting job.

How old am I now?

Yeah.

35.

I'm 38.

38?

Yeah, yeah.

35 made me feel old.

You missed the gipper, dude.

I did.

I just became a little bit.

You just became

eligible for president.

Don't worry, dude.

I thank you.

That's the one thing I told myself.

I was like, only three years I've been able to be president.

I'm not that old.

It could happen any day now.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to, but I'm going to have to because they don't have anyone else.

It's you or Gavin, I guess.

It's me, Gavin Newsom, or

the lady from the Bud Light can.

Oh, she's beautiful.

Who is she?

Helen of Troy, I think.

Helen of Troy.

I think, yeah.

You said that joke before we started.

And it didn't get a pop.

It's going to get a pop online.

It's going to get a pop online.

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Okay, so wait, so then you worked on

another campaign.

Yeah, So you were in like campaigns and elections.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know it's the scummiest part of politics.

It teaches you a lot though about politics.

It's so nothing.

So at the congressional level, you've got national issues, but you've got all the spaghetti dinners and all the corrupt county clerk of whatever.

And I found it was an amazing political education.

I think it's much better than studying it.

I lived in D.C.

and those were the biggest dildos in D.C.

The campaigns and elections people.

I had more respect for lobbyists.

Yeah, yeah.

Those people, you know,

they can lose every time and then they get a promotion each time.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I found in the political consulting world,

no offense to my D.C.

Beltway consultant friends, it's the local ones who are much better for those kind of races.

The minute they bring in the D.C.

team for a congressional race, things start to get squirrely, I found.

And you played dirty?

What was your dirtiest trick when you were doing campaigns?

No, I didn't really.

I mean, look, I just told you, I confessed to ripping off this opponent's song.

But I didn't do really nasty.

It was awful, I know.

You did a parody song?

Yeah.

Without licensing.

That's not dirty.

That's without license.

No, I didn't pull dirty tricks, really.

People did, though.

People would rig elections.

That's fun.

People would, you know, the other side, they would bus in union workers from out of district to, like, brazenly, the buses, you know, with SEIU or whatever, they'd come in, so you'd have election watchers.

Yeah.

I would have been more successful if I pulled more dirty tricks.

Can you imagine how fun Illinois during the 1960 election would have been?

Six killing people.

No, just dead people, yeah, yeah.

Dead people.

You know, you know, Lyndon Johnson stole his race in 48 in Texas.

Yeah, he's the best guy ever.

Who's your favorite president?

My favorite president ever.

Chester Allen Arthur is a favorite.

I'm not really really facetious.

He really didn't want to be president.

He sobbed when he had to become president of Bar Trump.

He's kind of like Trump.

He wanted to be vice president because he could be a corrupt machine politician from that office.

And then

actually improved.

He exchanged letters with this lady in New York and she convinced him to be moral and he actually was like a virtuous man and reformed the civil service, which ended up being a bad thing.

That's the lady.

She was like some shut-in in New York.

She was like a random lady who just wrote to him and he read her letters.

Some like mentally ill woman was writing him letters.

I don't know if she was mentally.

She was definitely a bit official.

She was a cat.

She was a central woman.

Yes, yeah, basically.

That's such a hipster answer.

Yeah.

Chester A.

Arthur?

Yeah, yeah, man.

Look.

You probably never heard of him.

Lincoln, dude, you idiot.

Lincoln?

Yeah, the best president.

He's the best one.

Better than Washington.

He saved the Union.

Sure.

I mean, Washington founded the country.

Yeah, but the Union fell apart.

Like,

Lincoln had to do the impossible.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Like, yeah, it's impressive.

I'm not knocking Lincoln.

And then also, just like, yeah, he, like, he just, he kind of like,

I don't know, he decided to end slavery like midway through because he's like, it's the right thing to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It wasn't like a lot of people think that the war was over slavery, but that didn't happen until like, you know, midway through.

It was about slavery.

I mean, I get,

that was the issue that was like leading to the national crisis.

But they haven't emancipated them yet.

And I'll be pilloried by my southern friends for saying it was a war about slavery.

You don't have southern friends.

I do, believe it or not.

You just live there in Nashville and people are like, what the fuck is this?

This is a Yankee.

And you're like, I used to direct operas at Yale.

And they were like, Nancy.

They're probably like, fucking Pelosi over here.

Pelosi!

No, they're very cultured in the South.

The South is the...

I love the South, dude.

It's really the only instantiation of the old world in America.

It's like, you know, genteel kind of.

Also, they're just honest about being racist.

I don't find them racist.

In the North, they're just like, go to your neighborhood.

Just be quiet and go to your neighborhood, okay?

All right, so

I watched some of your bangers.

Okay.

I watched

a lot of your thing is you just debate gay people.

I mean, I did one recently.

I did one recently where I debated 24 people.

I did Knowles versus Transgenderism, Knowles versus Protesters.

That's got 2.4 million.

Oh, people will come up at my events and

keep transitioning 1.4 million.

I was gay.

She was trans, 1.1 million.

Conservative versus trans.

But you know why they started coming after me.

No longer gay.

No longer gay.

Not dating trans.

Man is confused by why people think he's a man.

Heated debate, LGBT.

So you argue with gay people.

No, I all the time.

They argue with me.

You could have gone to finance.

You went to Yale.

Why did you do it?

Yeah, I could have gone to McKinsey or something.

Doesn't this feel like a little bit like...

No, you know why they came up and argued with me.

Why?

Because I gave you a question.

Because you said that they should be eradicated.

That is why.

I didn't say they should be eradicated.

I said the idea.

I don't know what you're doing.

I am being clear with my language.

You're not being clear with your language.

I was being clear.

You know what I mean?

You just said your audience is illiterate.

I'm explaining to you the precision of my language.

These people have mostly PhDs in gender.

You just said...

Fair enough.

All right, that's what I'm silent.

Listen, we're both straight guys, right?

Yes.

We're both men's men.

Alpha men.

Yeah.

I don't know what it's like to be a gay guy.

What am I going to tell them what it's like to be a gay guy?

It's probably tough.

Yeah, well, you would tell, at least, look,

again, what is the objective, right?

So, like, I watched the 20 gay guys versus you.

you.

That sounds worse.

Hold on.

Okay, it sounds worse.

It's a ridiculous concept, right?

By the way, we pitched one and they were yes, and then they said no, right, Caleb?

What was the topic?

The pitch was that bodybuilding is destructive to American culture.

So I wanted it to be 20 bodybuilders, 20 bodybuilders against one wimp.

And I was going to be like,

this leads to toxic masculinity.

It leads to Andrew Tate.

It's gay to have fashion muscle.

Why would they reject that?

That's a great episode.

Because I think they realized I was taking the piss.

Bizarre video shows male cheerleader for Minnesota Vikings.

Huh?

What?

Wait, what was that one?

That was one of mine?

Yeah, you got 82K.

That's not a major video.

That's a minor, that's a very minor video.

But did you have a big old thing?

Here's the thing, right?

I know why you're doing it, right?

Doing what?

What's the objective?

If you're debating LGBT person, what's the objective for that debate?

Do you want to convince them not to?

They usually come to me with these things.

So I guess they're upset that I think we should get rid of transgenderism.

So I guess the objective is...

What is transgenderism?

Is it that transgender people?

No.

It's the belief that a man can be a woman.

That's the thing.

And who came up with that?

Who's the author of that?

A bunch of deviants and ideologues.

Where'd it come from?

Well, it often is traced back to Magnus Hirschfeld in the 20th century.

But it's an ideology that has cropped up at various times throughout history.

It's kind of Gnostic.

It would go back to some of the ancient Gnostics to suggest that your true identity is nosy.

People didn't have toilet paper.

Who cares?

Yeah, that's true.

They had good aqueducts, though.

I don't know.

But don't you want to be a nice guy?

Don't you want to be nice?

No, I don't care about being nice.

Why?

I want to be a good guy.

I want to be

courteous.

It's a little nosy.

It's a little bit nosy.

It's not nosy.

They demand that I lie, and I'm not going to lie because that's a mortal.

Do you post in the vid, bro?

But they're the ones who want the debate.

And they're the ones who made it a political issue.

It's your vid, though.

Yeah, I'm reacting to it.

You're doing numbers with it, right?

I am doing numbers with it.

And the other thing is this, like, be honest.

Because people agree.

Be honest.

Like, in terms of the culture war aspect of it,

the libs walk in on that every single time.

Every time.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, now I think it's changing.

I think they lost.

I think they got destroyed on that issue, and they're starting to give it up.

They're starting to give it up.

Yeah, yeah.

What I'm seeing from your side is this all day long.

Yeah.

Okay?

Well, but we didn't start it.

It was the left that pushed this in the elementary schools and in the sports school.

This is what I'm seeing you guys highlighting.

Yeah, because they forced it on us and we reacted.

It doesn't seem to me like a big deal.

If it's not a big deal, then why doesn't the left just give it up?

It's not a big deal.

Let them give it up.

Give up transgenderism.

Stop putting boys in the girls' bathrooms.

Stop taking over the sports league.

Stop castrating the little kids.

Give it up.

It's not not a big deal.

Good, I agree.

Then give it up.

No, I'm just saying it's not a big deal.

Like, for your guys' agenda, right?

I'm not hearing anything.

I think about

conservative politics, right?

My agenda is a good idea.

I'm not hearing anything about...

I'm barely hearing anything about

the budget deficit.

I'm barely hearing anything about insolvency.

I mean, castrating little kids is

different than the budget deficit.

You think that if Social Security is insolvent, that's

less of an important issue?

I think.

I'm saying, and that's your guys' issue.

I think committee, well, yeah, I mean, but I'm not hearing shit about that.

No, you can't.

I'm hearing about babies' penises.

Yeah, I...

Baby.

Well, we're not.

They're not cascading babies.

You guys talk about kids' penises all day long.

I think it's...

It's a little bit perverse to me.

Well, we're not the ones who started it.

Okay, and this is what the libs do.

They say, hey, we're going to chop up little kids.

We're going to teach them a bunch of weird sex stuff in kindergarten.

And if you object, you're the weird one.

Why are you talking about this?

Because you're doing it.

It's weird, man.

Is it happening?

Yeah.

Is it happening all the time?

All over the country.

Well, now it's since they're born in the world.

All the kids are getting their penises.

Not all the kids.

How many kids are getting their penises chopped?

How many guys are getting?

And how many trans people are playing sports?

It's like five people.

Yeah, no, it's more.

There was a lot of people who are.

You don't think it's anything.

Australia just came out of the UN.

It was something like 700 rewards and medals were taken away from women because of the trans guys in the.

700 medals?

Yeah.

That's all.

You don't think that your guys' thing is Social Security becoming insolvent.

That's not my political.

I don't think that's my thing.

Conservative policy.

I don't talk about Social Security all the time.

Right, but I'm saying that entitlement reform is your government.

Are you like a BloomerCon?

Is this 2008 now?

We're talking about

Social Security.

This is like baby penis gets clicked.

That baby penis does numbers.

Just admit.

That's why you're debating.

I am not admitting that.

No.

Baby penis does more numbers than like Social Security will go bankrupt, which it used to be your thing.

Pointing out visceral injustices against the most vulnerable and innocent people.

Yes, it arouses more passion than budgetary measures.

That's true.

Yeah.

But it should.

That's just human nature.

But why do do you want to be the boss of that?

Well, because it's an injustice that we need to correct in a self-government.

I've met trans people, right?

And they've expressed to me that it's like, it must suck if you think that

you're not in the right body, right?

Yeah, we should help people.

I don't fucking understand, right?

So how do you

understand?

What it's like to feel that way.

Yeah, I'm sure.

So are you going to affirm them in that painful delusion that makes them more miserable, or are you going to try to help them by telling them the truth?

I don't want to make the rules for someone that I'm not going to be able to do that.

But you live in a self-government in America, and so you're supposed to weigh in on it.

That's what voting is.

So you're saying the rules should be what?

The rules should be that we acknowledge reality.

So men and women are different.

You have kids, right?

Yeah.

If your kid was like, I'm gay, what would you tell him?

I would say, well, you know, I'm pretty and witty and gay, too.

You know, I'm very happy.

No, no, no, you're doing the thing.

I've heard you just say that in other things.

Because you did theater.

You also were in gay movies.

You played gay guys.

Now you think gay characters.

Well bisexual characters.

What does that mean?

Bisexual is

gayer than gay.

What the fuck is bisexual?

I want you to know that gay character I played in the Yale movie that is

gay characters and now you say that it's a social contagion.

Bro, I played Satan in a play once.

I'm not like, you know, I go to church.

So the story was that you being gay with another guy was a social contagion?

No, your character was gay.

Yeah, but again, like, so is that why you're doing this?

Because you're embarrassed about the gay movie?

No, in acting.

And listen, I'm a very old school thespian.

Same, same.

And so in the old days, it used to be when you...

Men were playing women.

They were, that's true.

Boys were.

And in the old days,

when you played a role, you would pretend to be someone that you were not.

Like, for instance, I'm not the Prince of Denmark, but if I were to be in a Shakespeare play, I would pretend.

You went to some sort of freaking, I had to access some sort of molestation that never happened in order to access the city.

No, no, no, not that stuff.

I don't like it.

I never got into that.

Where did you study theater?

I studied at the Stella Adler School right around the corner.

And

what's her theory?

Well, it comes from the Stanislavsky system at the Moscow Theater.

Which is you neg the target.

No, it's that you use your imagination.

I saw something actually pretty interesting kind of related to the gay debate that you were in, and I wanted to know.

It's a gate.

I wanted to know if you'd seen this.

No, because this is like an interesting take that I saw on on homosexuality.

Yeah,

and I know you do a lot of reactions to like videos and the lot now.

We can react to so I'd like you to I'd like you to tell me what you think about this.

Yeah, let's see.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

There's a remix.

This is a remix.

Wait, wait, wait.

You have to see this.

No, this is an interesting.

This is a pastor from Uganda.

Okay.

And he took.

Yeah.

I think so.

So this is.

And Muslim.

But this is actually like, I hadn't heard this before.

In the Ugandan capital of Kampala, Pastor Martin Sempa is rallying

an anti-homosexuality bill that has drawn the ire of the international community,

including the very American evangelicals some believe inspired the legislation.

Good morning, everyone.

My name is Pastor Dr.

Martin Sempa.

I'm here in the capacity as the chairman of the National National Task Force Against Homosexuality in Uganda.

At the press conference, Pastor Sempa was flanked by religious leaders, both Christian and

the public.

Barack Obama

legislation to make sure that Sonoma and homosexuality never sees the light of legality in this land of the Pal of Africa.

In a room packed with local and international leadership.

I'll just show you the good part.

Yeah, hold on.

that's less saucy than

and graphic.

I've taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals are.

He watched gay porn.

What of the thing they do is called enolicking, where

a man's enus is licked like this

by the other person,

like ice cream.

And then what happens?

Even poo-poo comes out, the other poo-poo is out,

and then they eat the poo-poo.

The other one they do is they have a sex practice called feasting, where they insert their hand into the other man's hand and it goes into the energy all the way.

And it is so painful, they have to take drugs, but they enjoy it.

Now, if we have any children, please step out.

This is a parent guidance moment.

Hey, that child can be moved out.

So I've done research.

This is what they do.

Is it going to show us it?

You can see a man here having sucked the other person's rectum, and the other person is poo-pooing, and this one is eating the poo-poo all over the place.

Tell me, when you have a law against homosexuality, do you say except eating the poo-poo?

Okay, yeah, no,

he makes a good point.

So apparently,

they lick the other man's rectum like an ice cream, and they poo-poo come out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could have mentioned that during your debate against 20 gay guys, I thought.

I don't think that that actually came out.

I didn't prepare enough.

And sometimes they do anal feasting where he put the arm in.

It's very painful.

Yeah, and they must take drugs.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So do you feel as if Pastor Sesempa is a comrade or kind of like a him, especially, actually?

Yeah, I would have to say that.

I mean, he's really done the work on this.

Yeah, no, for me, I was just looking up like, you know, philosophy and anthropology.

The philosophy of gay sex?

Yeah.

well i think this guy did the work and he saw the poo-poo coming out and i think he actually has a more first-hand kind of he we might need more immigration from that area because that is a job that that the americans don't want to do so so when you're debating a gay or a trans person like

how does it like how does it feel like do you is it fun it's painful but i but it gives me pleasure anyway what gives you pleasure about it like no what gives you like what like what like i don't know why you're why why debate someone you're just how do you qualify winning like what what in your mind, what is winning?

Oh, well, it depends on the kind of debate.

For some kind of debates, you know, you're just fighting someone for the audience and one of you wins.

You're catering to your crowd.

Yeah, that's in one kind of debate.

No one's watching that, and they're like, I was on the fence about eat tap poo-poo, and then you haven't

poopoo.

I mean, look, that's not my.

You haven't convinced one guy not to eat up poo-poo.

Yeah, he might have.

He might have.

He might have.

If he didn't, if he if he only.

You're saying you against 20 gay guys.

No,

I have a different approach.

But for some of the some of the debates, you know, you actually do want to convince the other guy.

And then that, you know, that doesn't play out.

Have you convinced one gay guy not to be gay?

Well, on the trans issue, I think I've probably convinced people.

In fact, I had a girl come up to me.

She said, hey, Michael, I thought I was trans,

but I was listening to you and other people.

And luckily, my parents didn't trans me.

And then my doctor, and I had a good priest, and my doctors actually ended up diagnosing me with autism and treated me for the autism.

And then my gender dysphoria went away.

So that sounds like that person's had a difficult life, right?

Yeah, and now it's getting better better because she's accepting the truth and not being forgotten.

Probably just also

had a tough time figuring out who they are.

Yeah, yeah.

Right?

But she figured out the truth of it, not the lie that she said.

Don't you think to some extent the way we talk about children is a little bit cruel?

How do you mean?

I do.

Listen,

I'm the freaking Voltaire of the left, right?

Okay, but like.

Don't degrade yourself by comparing yourself to Voltaire.

I'm the freaking

Spinoza of the left.

You're the Marquis de Sade of the left.

I am.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I'm the Sun Tzu of the left.

But, like,

I do think that there isn't on both sides of

political discourse.

And first of all, sides.

It's just you guys, really.

Who?

And we can get into that.

It's like, why has there been an advantage in online discourse on one side, really?

But

you're saying on the right.

Yeah, it is.

I don't want to go there yet.

But I don't want to go there yet.

But

I do think there hasn't been a discussion enough

about

when we talk about kids, we just talk about

their penises and vaginas.

And I think again, I'd like to look at your premise here.

I think it's a little bit perverse, and I don't think it's Christian.

I don't think that's a Christian approach to talking about how but I don't think we do that.

I think that's

premise.

If I'm reading your biggest

the liberal politicians came out and said we need to castrate kids.

And then conservative

you don't think that we castrate kids.

I think that's true.

You don't think we do the trans procedures on casting?

I don't think Pelosi said we need to cut their dicks off.

He said we need to support trans children.

That is a euphemism to mean we need to put them on cross-sex hormones and in some cases mutilate them.

Across the board, whether they're trans or not, they

weren't able

to national politicians like Nancy Pelosi.

You're talking about something that is probably just a statistical insignificance, and you're highlighting it.

You're highlighting it.

You're highlighting it.

You're highlighting it to vilify an entire country.

I'm not vilifying anyone.

Again, I really don't agree with the premise.

I mean, there are a lot of things to talk about.

You know that I won't won.

You know, I just won that one.

I don't know if you're not.

You went to Yale, too, bro.

No, I don't.

You went to Yale and I won that one.

Did you?

Damn, I should have taught at Yale.

Okay, I just.

So, okay, you also go on those shows where it's like

OnlyFans?

The whatever podcast.

I've got that.

And you

yell at girls

that show their titties and vaginas.

I definitely don't yell at me.

But you tell them that they're like, that you're high-value cigar men and that they're low-value cigars.

I'm not sure I've ever said that.

What does your wife say to you before you go to one of them shows?

Yeah, I

have a good work trip, honey.

Your wife, come on, bro.

Think about that.

She said, I support you in yelling.

A work trip.

I don't yell at you.

I'm not in your premises.

You go on a plane to the yelling at OnlyFans show?

I don't, I don't.

You travel on a plane to that?

Yeah, I travel on a lot of podcasts.

And what does your wife say?

Well, she's.

My girl would kill me if my girl would kill me.

If you went on a dating podcast?

A dating podcast?

Yeah.

No, it's a podcast where girls that take their clothes off for money get told by men.

And there's a black guy.

Well, I guess the difference is that.

There's a white guy one and a black guy one, right?

And the black guy one, they are all Holocaust deniers.

I've never been on.

Yeah, I've never been on the black guy one, actually.

You should go on the black guy one.

I don't think they've invited me on.

So you go on a show where you tell girls not to do OnlyFans?

Yeah,

don't sell your bodies for sex.

You should have gone Goldman Sachs, dude.

What the hell are you doing?

That sounds way more boring.

It's so cute.

Because if I were at Goldman Sachs,

they'd be like, what do you do?

I said, I invest money and whatever.

You ask me, what do I do now?

I don't know.

I just kind of talk.

You seem like a nice guy, right?

I appreciate that.

But what's the motivation behind telling a stranger they're a bad person?

I don't tell them they're a bad person.

But you are effectively telling them that their entire life is bad and that they...

They should improve it, that they would be happier.

But it's a stranger.

It's a stranger, right?

Yeah, I don't know these girls.

And it's also someone that doesn't, you have some modicum of power.

It's someone that has, it's some nobody.

You're telling a nobody that they're stupid.

I don't do that.

Yeah, you do.

I think all of your premises are a little bit mistaken.

Why are you smiling then?

Bro, why are you smiling?

You know you're going on the prostitute show to tell them that they're like, that they're that they're that they're that they're loose women.

And they shouldn't be loose women.

I do tell them they shouldn't be loose women, that's true.

Like, why is it...

it's not, it's just, I don't want to get involved with that.

I know.

Your premise, I guess, is you don't want to be involved with other people.

I think I'm a human being who lives in a society, and I think we should conduce to the common good, and we should help our fellow man and have charity for them.

So that would be a...

It's not charitable, though.

It is charitable.

It's not charitable to tell someone that they're

all the good of the other being a bad person.

No, no, no.

To say, hey, you should not do things that are bad for you, and you should do things that are good for you.

And if someone's already had all the trans surgeries, and they're like, I'm happy now, and you're saying that you tell them that what they're, that they're actually a man and stuff, you know that you're not being nice to them.

I am certainly, I think the truth is nice to be nice.

It's a strength.

I think lies are very mean and disrespectful.

You know, it's not nice to them.

I think it's nice to tell people the truth.

You have to tell people the truth, like, in love.

You can't say, like, no,

it's a know-it-all.

But can't you just admit it's just show biz and it does numbers?

It's not just showbiz.

It does numbers.

That is just show biz.

No, it's not.

It's important to tell people the truth.

It's not.

And it's good for them.

Okay.

Can we call Ben?

I just want to say what I'm saying.

Did he text me back?

Let me see.

He definitely did.

He totally did.

What did he say?

Hold on.

I'm going to read it first before I get to it.

What did he say?

Hold on.

Just hit him up, dude.

Please.

Hold on.

This will be the amazing finale for the episode.

This episode is great.

What did he say?

He said, L-M-A-O, tell him Sane.

Wait, just call him.

He said that.

Call him, real quick.

I'm not calling him.

Please call Ben.

This is my show.

It's El Capitan.

No.

No, I'm not putting that.

Why are you being afraid of the boss, dude?

Be a little bit bold.

Yeah, I'm not.

I don't want to.

Hey, what do I care?

Hey, what do I care?

You know, what do I care what Ben's doing?

It's not up to me.

It's not my.

Why do I care?

What do you mean?

He's being gay right now.

I did not call him gay.

My sister is like,

my sister's

rather woke.

And she said his wicked review was incredible.

She said Ben hit the nail on the head.

He's like, this is not as good as the original cast recording.

Kristen Chenoweth.

Saying,

let it go.

Adina Menzo.

Saying, let it go.

Much better.

Can you please?

Yeah, no.

No.

You can't go to LaGuardia until you call Ben.

I'm not calling him.

All right, thought experiment.

Yeah.

Either you do my thought experiment.

Yeah, I'm in.

I'm in.

Okay, you're walking down the street, you see two guys having sex with each other.

I do.

Michael, answer my question.

You walking down the street, you see two fellas fully in the nude.

Actually, they're both wearing Jordan.

Since in Uganda.

They're both wearing Jordan ones they're having sex with each other right yeah do you intervene and say it like tell them to stop having sex yeah actually not in the street if it were in what do you say what do you say hey fellas uh please stop it okay and they keep having sex after you say that i say um then i call uh

First I call Ben Shapiro, obviously, because you asked me to.

Then I call the police, and I say, get those guys.

The police are too far.

Okay, they're too far.

You see a six-year-old walking down the other side of the street.

Yeah.

You're next to the, around the corner, you're at a corner, right?

You see these two fellas fully in the buff having sex.

Six-year-old coming towards you, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

You got about like what are you going to spend?

Salem, how long is that six-year-old going down a full city block?

Ten seconds.

Ten seconds.

You got ten seconds.

What are you going to do?

Physical intervention?

I guess I'd...

Are you going to pop?

No, I would probably divert the six-year-old.

Say, hey, hey, don't go down.

Because I don't want to really get that involved with the guys.

I don't know if they...

This might be like Scott Weiner and

Palafuff these days.

The gay guys are like they look like they're boss.

They look like John Cena these days.

Yeah,

I'm not trying to catch that, you know.

Okay, but the six-year-old has an appointment, and the six-year-old is like, I have an appointment, I cannot, I cannot do miss it.

Yeah, and the six-year-old is like, stranger, stranger, stranger.

So the six-year-old's like, the six-year-old jukes you, Barry Sanders style.

Okay.

Six-year-old's continuing.

You have about five seconds now.

You have to dive on the men having sex.

You know what I would, I would probably take my jacket off and throw it on the men in the buff so that the six-year-old wouldn't see them.

Okay.

And then I would have to get a new jacket.

Jacket blocked.

Jacket on the floor.

By the homosexuals?

Yeah, yeah.

So you have three seconds left.

Three seconds.

The kid has a very important appointment.

And

can I sort of walk alongside the kid to kind of block it?

So he's still walking, but I'm kind of blocking his view.

You're too skinny.

You're not gay, actually.

Yeah, you're not buffed like gay guys.

Yeah, yeah.

The kid is also like, the kid is fast and wily.

Yeah, okay, at that point.

And the kid has to turn the corner, too.

Yeah, so at that point.

And plus, your body's not going to block two incredibly jacked gay guys only wearing Jordan ones.

You want Chicago.

You want me to tackle the homosexuals, don't you?

I don't want you.

I'm going to say, what do you do?

What do you want me to do?

You want me to jump on the gay guys?

Okay, so that's what you're clearly saying.

I'm saying, what do you do?

What do I do?

I don't know what to do.

At that point, I can either tackle.

I'm a liberal.

I'm going to tell the six-year-old that this is the sexual education.

So tell me what you do if you see these two punks.

You see these two.

You see that there's these two guys.

They look like Tom of Finland

illustrations.

They've got huge ones too.

You've never even seen that big.

Okay?

You're seeing that they're going at it.

I mean, it's kind of like the most athleticism and tenacity on display you've ever seen.

If not for the child there, I might have to do it.

In fact, you're like watching them having sex.

You're like, in fact, like they have to be gay.

Yes.

Right?

Like, it's their weight class.

They can't have sex with a woman because they kill them.

Right?

These two Adonises,

they literally, they're Greek.

The tenacity and athleticism on display is just

phenomenal.

And so the kid.

And say, listen, it's not my thing, but I like it.

And you know what?

On that point, then, the kid would say, finally, he sees it.

It's three seconds.

He says, ah, what's that?

So you let the kid see it.

I don't, well, I apparently can't stop him.

And he sees it, and so what do I say?

I say, that is Achilles and Patroclus.

And this is a lesson in ancient Greece.

So you do sexual education, seven-year-olds.

You do historical.

You do seven-year-old,

yes.

You do

drag queen

story hour and a lie.

I would not lie to him.

I would just

take a partial truth.

This is how the blue pill.

You took the blue pill, everyone.

Give it up for Michael Gnolls.

Michael Gnolls.

Thank you.

Wow.