The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ari Shaffir - Episode 65

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Hello, everybody.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

Today's guest, Ari Shafir.

What's up, buddy?

What's up?

What's up?

Sound very down.

Down?

Yeah.

No, it's just, it's

If I don't get here like 30 minutes prior and get those ACs running, I mean, you can feel it in here.

It's relatively hot.

It's not only hot, but it's like dusty.

It's like a dust sauna.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And so the heat is like, it's.

If you would have to go over ideal ways to record a podcast with a film.

The climate in here.

Climate.

It's like when it's like cleaning out a dead relative's attic.

It's like that kind of heat where it's like, it's just disgusting, and it's not

like you're going to get it clean and feel better.

Yeah, it's not like one of those heroin 28-year-old cleaning outside.

No, no.

Where it's like the things that's so pretty.

You're finding all your grandpa's Nazi memorabilia.

Oh, you went to Trinity?

Which he bragged about.

He bragged about, and now it's disappointing.

It's not much of a collection.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not even like high-level.

No, it's Donald Duck with a swastika armband.

It's not.

It's most of his counterfeit.

A lot of it is his own drawings, and he's not even good at drawing.

There's just nothing.

You did it wrong.

You did it the Hindu way.

You're not even.

You're an idiot.

Yeah, you're just...

This is just good luck.

There's just nothing.

Your entire life sucked.

You were a male man.

You spent 70 years as a mailman.

Do you think after the Holocaust Jews started painting the Hindu swastika because they're like, now it is good luck again?

No, I don't think that happened.

Oh, okay.

Why would I think that?

That's what I mean.

That's how hot it is in here.

Your brain is just not functioning.

What was that?

Did you think after the Holocaust, Jews were painting the Indian swastika being like, well, now it is good luck.

You know, it goes the other way?

I know it goes the other way, but I don't follow the logic of that premise any step of it.

Okay, so

just for starting,

after the Holocaust, they weren't painting the swastika.

That wasn't a big thing that was happening.

So even like the joke premise of like, maybe they were like, maybe they were painting it for this reason.

Yeah, because they weren't so it's like okay.

Well, let's okay.

So now let's imagine that the Jews are painting the swastika.

Yeah, why are they painting the swastika?

Because it's not the Nazi one, it's the Indian one.

Yeah, and guess what?

It actually is good luck.

Yeah, and it's like, well, why would it

why would it be good luck?

I don't understand.

So before the Holocaust, it was just the good luck sign.

Uh-huh.

And then in the early days of the Holocaust, people were like, well, that's not the good luck sign.

And then the Germans were like, no, actually, it's far from the same thing.

It'd be like, if after 9-11, do you think United Airlines was like flying planes into buildings, being like,

oh, actually,

it's good.

It's not an inside job.

This is our inside job.

No, not even.

I don't understand.

I don't.

Okay.

I don't understand.

You know, like the days right after slavery was abolished, but they were still like slaves.

They hadn't got the message yet.

You could have just said numbers at me.

It could have just been like, how about this?

5, 8, 2, A, B, 6.

And I would, I would be, no, not even those kind of numbers.

Oh, okay.

I mean, just like weird, just disproportionately.

I was saying the Germans are like, hey, Jew Schmeielstein.

Yes.

It's time.

You got to paint swastikas all day.

But he was like, wait, I heard the fucking holidays.

These guys don't have any control anymore.

You know what I'm going to do?

I can't outright say no.

They'll just put a bullet in my head.

But they weren't making Jews paint swastikas.

You don't think any?

I don't think so.

Painting need done.

Yeah, I don't think.

I mean, were they painted?

It looks like it was mostly flags.

They had their own like.

You think it was a stencil?

You think it was an early obey?

Is Nazi Betsy Ross?

Nazi Ross.

Yeah, who was Nazi Betsy Ross?

Who was that?

Yeah.

In between shitting on Hitler's chest for boners,

who was crocheting a flag.

I'm having one of those days where people keep calling me.

Why?

Who does that?

Well, the stock market is crashing.

Is that real?

Yeah, so now all of my clients, look, on the side, I've been lying to people and telling them I'm a financial advisor.

And I am in a lot of hot water now because I have lost millions of dollars.

Would you just yell diversify at them?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, look, Intel, here's why they're losing jobs.

They don't have enough black ladies.

You got to GameStop.

But

everything's going down because we're going to have a black lady president.

So they're like, get out of the stock market.

Well, once you have a black lady president, you don't need a black lady anything else.

So it's going to kill all the other jobs.

Imagine a black woman going into Apple being like, I want to work with computers.

And they're like, well,

sorry, you're already president.

Right.

Before this, they're like, yeah,

yes, yeah.

I mean, we all saw hidden figures.

Do they have a genius bar with J?

Yeah.

That they all work with.

J-E-A-N.

J-E-N.

W-U-S.

Like, I wouldn't go to that side.

Yeah.

But now, right, no jobs available.

She could have win.

What do people say?

I don't really follow it.

I think she's going to win.

I mean, I thought Biden could have won too could have the last two you got a chance make yeah i don't i don't think it was like because i i don't understand what like

all of the all of the drama and the pageantry of the election aside yeah i don't understand what trump's platform is because none of them well i mean but trump in particular it's like it it's like they they they criticize saying oh he wants to do project 2025 and then he goes no i don't and it's like okay well what do you want what do you want to do And there's no answer there.

So it's like, I don't, like, the only reason to vote for Donald Trump is because you're participating in his grievance war against the deep state, which you can't win.

You can't beat them.

The deep state?

You can't.

No, you can just join them.

Yeah.

I mean, if there was a chance to beat them, it would have happened during his first term.

But instead, what we got is like him just immediately giving all of those guys jobs again.

Everybody was like, I want to clean out the swamp.

And he was like, God, afterwards.

Come on, God.

That's like, like, that's metaphor.

Yeah, we're not actually.

What's metaphor?

Sure, yeah.

We're not going to clean out the swamp at all.

Yeah, it'll never happen.

I can't believe you spent this much money in a studio and got these fucking off-the-sidewalk chairs.

These are not off-the-sidewalk chairs.

Are you saying that just to trigger me?

Yeah.

How does it do?

No, these are like designer chairs.

Really?

These are, yeah, these are Ames Time Life lobby chairs.

These are very hard to find in this color, too.

Oh, wow.

This is a cool 70s color, 60s 70s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, these are chairs.

I could turn around and sell these for, I mean, we bought them for, I paid $3,850 each.

$3,850?

Yeah, yeah.

How much can you sell them for?

Probably around that, four grand.

Yeah.

I mean.

Do it.

Well, when the show fails, yeah, for sure.

We have to liquidate everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'll be a fun fire sale.

Yeah.

So you're editing your new special.

Are you talking about that?

Are you excited about it?

I am.

When you say editing, are you sitting there with an editor or are you doing it?

I did for four days, and then we finished it, and then there were some jokes in there

that just don't work anymore.

They don't work at any time.

It's crazy how quickly that fucking happens, dude.

I didn't go on the road for like,

I just had six weeks off where I just wasn't on the road.

Well, I'm not selling tickets anymore, so CAA is not really booking me.

But that's my own fault, which I'll say this.

If you're in Irvine, California, I will be at the Irvine Improv, which is probably the biggest room in the country.

It's huge, Mongoose.

It's enormous.

And we've got to move those tickets.

If you came last time.

You got to move those fucking tickets.

Please come out again.

Basically, everybody that came to Irvine two years ago, I'm coming back.

I canceled the show last time because they had me going back there doing the same hour of material that I had already done.

Smart, not smart.

And then they had me in Brea six months afterwards, too.

It's like they understand this is what killed all the old comedians is touring over the same hour every year.

And they're like, all right, go out, go out, go out for eight months.

You're like, well, I don't have a new hour.

Like, come on, you're full of everything.

It'll be a different hour, and I will never tour again.

So this is your last chance to see me do stand-up on the website.

Which I'm doing in January.

I'm doing my final tour.

January, February, March.

Well, you're 75 years old.

I mean, you shouldn't be working anymore.

Yeah, they don't have ramp activities.

Is your dad still alive?

Yeah.

That's crazy.

That is crazy.

Just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

Over the years, occasionally be like, oh, yeah, I was talking to my dad, or you mentioned your dad.

I'm like, he must have been born in like 1870.

He's pretty old.

He's pretty old.

I don't understand.

I mean, well, good for him.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think he made a deal to get out of that.

What is he as he?

I imagine him as like a guy that calls into Washington Journal on C-SPAN.

He wears a suit on the reg.

Just like normal stuff.

Anything except gardening, he's wearing a a suit.

Those Washington Journal callers are the best.

They're always like, they're like, my name is Ethel Groceries, and I am 114 years old.

And the way that they're talking about Joe Biden, who is the best president I've ever seen in my life, is horrifying.

To say that he's a young man.

That's a young man.

To say he's fit.

I don't think he's old enough to be fit.

To say he's too old.

All they did, I don't understand.

How did they even get the photos?

They pre-taped that show, too.

They're like, like, oh, well, I got to call it in the Washington Journal.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

It's two sides of the coin of like the big fan who calls it about the Giants.

You know, it's like, let me tell you with this whole like.

Yeah.

That's a good movie.

It was a pretty good movie.

Yeah.

Patton kind of killed it in that one.

What's that?

Patton killed it in that one, kind of.

Yeah.

Underrated, underrated performance.

Yeah, he's a good actor.

I mean, he's been good at a lot of stuff.

I did.

I thought he was a rat and we're added to it.

I liked him most in Dollhouse when he played this guy who had his fucking wife died died or something, and so then he had some fucking hot chick

dress up as his wife, and he got to like pretty much fuck this sex slave for a while to like make the grieving process happen.

Sci-fi.

That's cool.

I'm trying to remember other movies.

It's an episode of a show.

Oh, it's a show.

Yeah.

Dollhouse is the show.

Who was in it?

That hot chick.

Carmen Electra.

It wasn't Carmen Electra.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

ideas.

I got nothing.

She might have dated Louis afterwards.

I always like to imagine the way Italian guys get horny for Carmen Electra.

Still.

Dude, I saw her at

the CVS, a Rite Aid on Sunset and Fairfax.

I'm trying to find a bitch.

Looks like Carmen Electra.

Eliza Douche.

Oh, okay.

Didn't something weird happen with her?

I feel like that whole era.

Yeah, she hit 30 and failed.

Yeah, no, I think there's like a whole era of those kinds of WB stars that were all just like sex robots created by the Pentagon.

Like they've all got like weird baggage and stuff.

Before the term industry plant happened.

Something bad happened to all of them.

You know what I mean?

Like they all came from the same room as Zach Efron.

Like you know in Alien 3, the clone room?

Yeah.

Like that's the rest of them are in there and it's like Zach Efron goes through that room and he's like, oh my God.

Yeah, he's like,

is this where I came from?

And Elijah Dushku is like, Zach, please kill me.

Remember when Zach Effron got beat up in Echo Park?

No.

He got punched at Echo Park.

Might have been someone else who just run it with this anyway.

And it was like, what's he doing in Echo Park late at night?

And then it was like, oh, buying heroin.

That's the only reason you would go there.

Yeah.

And somebody was like, you that werewolf?

And then just beat the shit out of him.

Squather Methane was like, get the fuck away from me.

That's crazy that you get into selling drugs because it's easy money, and then you still got to work like a night shift in Echo Park.

Yeah.

You might as well just be a stockroom clerk at CVS.

Do 12 to 3.

Yeah.

Anyways, Echo Park.

How's that neighborhood doing?

I think it's the same.

I think it's the only place in LA that has not failed in this new system.

What do you mean?

It's been homeless for years.

Do you still like an LA guy?

Even though you've been here like a decade now, you still have to go.

I'm an LA comic.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Born in LA.

But you moved here because the LA scene was bad and you wanted to get good at stand-up.

It wasn't bad.

It was just like, I want a new shit.

But it was when I once I got here, I realized to be honest, you moved here because

it was a bad scene, and you can't really get better in L.A.

And so you had to come to New York because there's more stage time, and the comics are bad.

There was more stage time.

I actually did come for a multitude of reasons.

One was more stage time, two was I want to finally fuck a black chick,

and then I want new restaurants and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so but that's just off the table in L.A.

I don't understand.

It's very segregated.

The white city is a little bit more than that.

You can go to those neighborhoods.

You can go, Nick.

Yeah.

Let me know how it is.

Oh, okay.

What do you think would happen?

Have you just never been to a black neighborhood?

They're not, from what I understand from

that Michael Myers, like Michael, not Michael Myers, Michael Moore.

Michael Myers?

No, who's the documentary?

Mike Myers.

Mike Myers?

The comedian.

No, the documentary.

You're talking about his movie The Black Guy, where he plays.

Yeah.

I'm African American, baby.

Yeah.

The smog is too much, is where the black people live, is what I was going to say.

The constant stream of fucking Newport smoke.

It is very segregated.

Yeah, it's weird.

We're melting pot, but it's not.

It is kind of like the

perfect example of just kind of just liberal hypocrisy where it's like, yeah, rainbow flag, but

literally we have a class structure that's reinforced by hills.

So the more money you have, the higher up you are.

They really do look down on them and go, literally.

They have their coffee on the bottom.

I mean, it's like feudalism.

The richest people live above the poison air.

Yeah.

You know, staring down at the rich people.

We used to go up to the roof of the comer store and you'd see this ring around.

The fact that in 2024, there's still a neighborhood that people kind of openly refer to as black Beverly Hills.

You know what I mean?

Like that's just, that's okay.

You can just be like, oh, yeah, well, that's black Beverly Hills.

But also, like, how much.

Because black people aren't allowed to live in Beverly Hills.

But it's all Persian.

They have their own version of it.

Yeah, you ask them.

In New York, you'll be like, what's this?

You're like, oh, that's the black financial district.

It's like the financial district, just not as nice because it's for blacks.

It's black Tribeca's, basically.

I remember when they showed me that, Black Beverly Hills, and it's like, oh, it's like, those are the rich black people.

Like, what's the average income?

Like, 48 grand.

$27,000.

Yeah, but it's mostly cash.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they all.

Do you go to LA at all?

No.

You never live there or did you?

I did, yeah, briefly, but I don't I mean, I just it's like

it's it's uh it's a heartless place, I'd say that.

So I was talking to Duncan about it recently, how like it's a specific kind of sad.

And it it's like it it it's worth like writing about.

Yeah, I mean you can't really be there's no room to not be like successful in LA.

It you're either failing or you're like

you're

not even, yeah.

I mean, the people who do really well there aren't like

good.

Well, they're people that work in the industry.

It's like that's who LA is for.

It's for the people that work in the industry.

It's not for people that go there to do creative stuff.

No, it's just for people to abuse those people.

Yeah.

It's all these producers are like, whenever they tell you, like, I want 80% of your project.

You're like, why?

Because that's the way it's done.

It's kind of like going to L.A.

thinking that you're going to be happy as an entertainer is like going to Vegas as a prostitute and being like, yeah, but that's the home of prostitution.

You know, it's like, you're still going to be like, it's great if you like to fuck prostitutes.

It's great for that or if you're a pimp.

But if you're like, it's not, that's not the place to go.

Steady stream of lost people coming in.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, if you're a prostitute and you move to New York, maybe you'll end up liking your barista job and you'll make friends and then you'll get involved in socialist politics.

And who knows, four years later, you're bombing, you know, libraries.

And you're, you know, you're, you found some meaning in your life.

I got taken advantage of when I got there.

I was, it was like a free commercial acting seminar.

I was like, all right, let me do that.

And then they're like, all right, it showed us everything.

It's like, by the way, probably guys all need headshots.

Like, that's one of the things you got to get.

Two doors down in this building, there is a headshot guy.

I recommend you go there.

And then realize it was just

a joint scam.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You're just out $400.

It's crazy people still get scammed by the bottle scam.

What's the bottle scam?

Where somebody bumps into you and like pretends like they have a bag of shitty broken bottles that they like drop and they're like, man, you broke my fucking bottles.

That's why I don't go to the black neighborhood.

Yeah, right.

And they're like, They're like, that was $400 worth of bottles.

These are all mellow yellow bottles.

What are you doing?

What are your price?

Yeah, it's just a bunch of orangina.

They're like, I'm going, give me a million dollars.

And then people do it.

People like, they'll do it with glasses, too.

It'll be a guy holding reading glasses and be like, all right, I'll see you later.

And they'll be like, man, you just broke my,

these are $5 $5 million glasses.

And then it'll get people to pay for it.

Give them money.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah.

They do that in Thailand with like I'm pregnant scams.

But then it's like, I need to pay for this baby.

You got to pay for it.

It's going to be $500 every decade.

It's up to you.

I'm pregnant.

Well, it's chicks you fucked.

And then as soon as you leave, they write you and they go.

It's like your tour guide prostitute for the week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're like, hey, I know.

What do they call those?

Bar Girls.

Thai bar girls.

Isn't that the name for it?

Maybe.

But they got like four four or five rich London guys on the hook.

So every couple years.

Yeah, well,

I was watching

either it was a video series or a blog of like some guy was like, you know, I decided to give everything up and go to Thailand.

And trying to frame it as anything other than like, I just wanted to fuck Asian prostitutes.

God, it's so fun and easy.

Yeah, but it's like, it's like, because they had, there has to be some, it's never going to be palatable to any kind of, any English-speaking audience

to say, I went went to Thailand solely to fuck

prostitutes.

Dude, I was in Cambodia, and it was that sex prostitution in sex tourism in Phnom Penh.

It's all these like 50s and 60-year-old men alone.

They all know each other, and they're all smiling.

They're all just happy to be away from fucking dumb bitches.

Yeah.

God, they love it.

And the women are...

They're so happy.

They work so much harder than other prostitutes.

Yeah.

Because they're like, this is nice.

Yeah.

I'm getting fucking paid today.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It seems miserable to me.

I mean, the weather seems nice, but yeah, to have your whole life just be.

Fucking.

Yeah, but like Thai prostitutes.

I don't, you know.

Yeah, you get to fuck these white dudes with these massive six-inch cucks.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like,

I don't,

you know, it's like,

I mean, it's not first option, if they could dream.

Like, I love eating peanut M ⁇ Ms, right?

That makes me lucky.

I would never move to another country.

If I had moved to another country where I don't speak the language, it doesn't matter how much money I have.

It's a poor country.

And to what?

But what if you just have, oh, but now I can do this all the time?

Because it's like,

you know, you can do that here, but what if we have...

Peanut Ms.

Like $500 a pack here.

What's that?

What if Peanut M is like $500 a pack here?

And you weren't doing that well.

Then I'd have them occasionally.

Or I'd figure out how to make my own peanut M ⁇ Ms.

It's not that complicated.

Can I tell you, I'm glad you're touring again?

We missed you.

You barely touring.

You weren't doing stand-up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are the best.

You should be doing more stand-up.

I'm barely touring.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was in Hyenas, though, over the weekend.

That's a great club.

Cincinnati?

No.

No, Fort Worth.

Oh, yeah.

And there seems to be a bit of confusion here because I wanted to go sit, you know, there was the Trump assassination attempt.

You were trying to get in on that.

Well, I was going to Dallas.

I was like, like, I want to go to Dealey Plaza.

Wait, was it in Dallas?

No, it was in Butler Park, Pennsylvania, which is.

That's what I was saying.

It's so funny.

That's how little respect they have for him.

Yeah, just do it where the great ones got it.

Yeah, just butt cheeks, PA.

That's where we're taking him out behind.

That wasn't even good enough for the fucking 9-11 wreckage.

I know, yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Honestly, the way they did Kennedy is like, that's like a Vikings.

Epic.

Cool.

Lots of, come on.

In a limousine.

Moving target.

Yeah, right.

But I wanted to go to Dealey Plaza and see the X, and they took it off the street.

Right after that?

Well,

I wanted to go see it, and I Googled it.

I'm like, let me go see the X, and it's off.

I found an article from 2013 saying the X was gone.

Because of Elon Musk?

Well, I don't know, but I mentioned it on stage, and then people are like, what?

No, it's not.

And then people at the show afterwards were like, they had no idea the X had been removed from Dealey Plaza.

So now I don't know.

It could be gone.

It could be backed.

They could have taken it away, but that does not seem to be a thing people in Dallas are aware of.

I love when people try to correct you on something and you're like, well, I was there and you guys are wrong.

Yeah.

I don't know what to tell you.

No, no, Big Ben is 17 feet tall.

I've been there.

I've seen it myself.

I know it's not that big.

I was confused.

I was referring to the Lego.

I didn't realize there was an actual.

Let's paquito Dago.

Yeah.

That is a stupid.

Big Ben sucks.

Someone should 9-11 Big Ben.

It's overdue.

Some just fucking gay clock, and we're supposed to respect it.

It's really, it would do everyone a service.

Yeah, it creates traffic.

It's not cool.

It's just a clock tower.

It's just a stupid clock.

Just get rid of it.

Make a park.

Right.

It peaked kind of during the, what was that?

The Great Mouse Detective, which is a frequent reference on this show.

If you have not seen the Great Mouse Detective, all you British incels that follow Nick Mulland,

let's go bomb that Big Ben clock.

Adam's doing shows in London London coming up, and from what I hear, it's selling pretty well.

Yeah, they don't get.

I was disappointed because he doesn't sell well in the United States.

He does not sell good tickets here.

They respect retards more over there.

Well, I was worried because he was like, I think I'm going to go to the UK.

And I was hoping, because in his mind, it's like, well, I'm too, I'm an intellectual, and that's why those American audiences can't appreciate me.

I'm going to go to the UK.

I was hoping he would sell zero tickets.

And then

there was no market for Adam at all in the UK.

But that's not the case.

He happens to be selling a lot, which is,

to my British friends, you have no idea the damage that's going to cause stateside when this guy comes back wearing a top hat thinking that

he's some sort of erudite intellectual comedian.

He's like, oh, I'm like Bill Hicks.

As if they don't have fucking Hicks in London.

As if they don't have trash over there.

All of Camden Lock is not garbage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never been.

I have no idea.

It rules.

You would do well there.

What?

It was great in London.

You would sell tickets for sure.

I don't know.

I feel like I need to travel more before.

It's either World War III or this country just sort of dissolves into a mess.

I try to get Nick Mullen on my podcast, my travel podcast.

You'd be tripping.

But I don't travel.

You're like, I don't really do it.

I don't.

I should get into it.

I feel like, yeah,

there's not going to be an opportunity for it much longer.

Well, I got some brothels in Thailand you can hit up.

Every time there is like a big,

things start popping off in the Middle East, I'm like, I should have seen those buildings before they blow them up.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Giant Hindus.

Yeah, it's like even you remove all the politics from it.

I don't care if it was a Satanist,

if it was a Satanist pedophile temple from the year 3000 B.C., I want to see it.

You know what I mean?

It's cool.

It's cool.

It's a piece of history, you know?

Do you know about how Ankara Watt was discovered?

Do Do you know what Anchor Watt is?

Yes, it's like a monkey palace in the middle of the jungle.

It's where King Louis lives in the jungle book.

Oh, really?

I'm pretty sure it's similar to that.

But I've always imagined buying Anchor Watt, and I live there, and I have monkey assistants, and I'm just drunk off pina coladas all day long.

Oh, I love that dream.

Yeah.

And imagine like conveyor belts with like rope made out of, you know, all the pulleys.

Out of vines?

Yeah, vine ropes and stuff.

And

it's like twine where it hurts you when you touch it.

But it's bringing up my ice cubes for my piña colada.

I'm taking meetings with the local tribespeople.

And they're like,

And I'm like, I have no idea what you're saying.

I've made no effort to learn your language.

I don't know what you're saying.

I can't help you.

And then chimps just tear him to pieces while we all laugh.

And then, and then, and then we also, we have The Simpsons on DVD.

So then me and the chimpanzees will just watch The Simpsons afterwards.

It was discovered by a British, just like a guy on a long hike, and he found it and he thought it was an abomination and put the brushes back and said, I'm not telling anybody about this.

He told his wife, and then like 60 years later, some explorer found it.

Yeah.

It was like, no one's discovered that.

Because I discovered it.

Leave it alone.

It sucks.

You know what I would never do is go into one of the great

pyramids.

I've done that.

Why not?

It just like this thing's 3,000 years old.

You can't build a bridge in Minneapolis.

It could collapse at any moment, and then you're just trapped.

Who did better work?

The fucking people building buildings in Miami or the pyramids?

Did something collapse in Miami?

Yeah, a bunch of Jews went down.

It was a Holocaust, Holocaust

2.0.

That's pretty cool, like a neon swastika.

You know, like lasers and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm glad that there was this weird thing happening on the internet where people, what is it?

There's the aesthetic called, like, is it called Vapor Wave?

I don't know.

It was this weird, like,

it was was like an aesthetic that people got into if they had no,

like, they just didn't understand design or what was cool.

It was like this gay VHS kind of laser pink thing that people got into, and there was music that went along with it.

And it was just

garbage.

It was cultural garbage.

Like neon 80s or something.

Yeah, neon kind of 80s stuff from like

triangles.

I'll put it up on the screen real quick.

Okay.

Yeah, there was.

Oh, wow, yeah.

It was after Drive came out and the soundtrack got popular and the people are like, you know what I'm really into?

It's like kind of lo-fi 80s, like, you know, everything

is like.

I love the different levels of I discovered this myself.

It was like Spotify suggested it to me alone, and then it's like, I was into this before everybody.

That was like, that was like

the birth of the modern iteration of just narcissism in general.

Was, yeah, like 2009 when nerd culture became a thing of, yeah, personal discovery.

Rather than like, you know, it used to to be people would be like aspire to be a part of something.

There was some kind of like collectivist element to your like

asserting your independence.

And then, and then it shifted.

It's like now all marketing is like the ice cream that speaks to you because you are you and you can only be you and define you.

And so you can have this ice cream because that's what you would do.

And it's not

this is what happens is when you walk by a coffee shop with a chick and it's like one of those all-white decors with a couple, a little pink neon and they go oh and you're like why do you think this would be good coffee yeah right what makes you specifically dumb chick think this would be good coffee yeah and it's funny because all of those businesses eventually they if they last they grow to the extent that they're everywhere and then they lose kind of all they can maintain is like uh consistency in terms of their branding but then it all decays it all like goes it falls by the wayside and especially in the city you see it all of these chains that were once like like you know the place uh was it hale and hardy Oh, yeah, like the soup place.

There was still a couple of them, they'd be around, and it's like, this is just it's just like the food is just napkins and rotten bread.

And like, nothing was updated in like the style of it or anything.

And before you know it, 10 years go by, and all of this stuff that was fun and new and exciting is now just

metastasized and it's cancerous, and it's just a reflection that, you know, not only is it not cool anymore,

it'll never be subject to nostalgia because it's sucked to begin with.

It's like

Bubba Gumps.

Huh?

Bubba Gumps.

The shrimp company.

Yeah, and then the restaurants.

At first it was like, oh, from the...

I was never excited about it.

I was never like, finally, dude.

The Forest Galaxy

restaurant.

Nick's Were.

Bets got a great bit about it at the time.

But now it just still exists, but it's in no relation to Forest Gump, which most of their patrons have never seen

because it's 30 years ago.

New Balance.

I didn't know any white people have New Balance.

I wear nothing but New Balance.

Ensembas, I guess, sometimes.

That was Miss Pat's best joke about after Black Lives Matter.

What happened to Miss Pat?

She's crushing it on all black shows.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's got like three shows going on.

But she goes, when people were like, All Lives Matter

fight, she goes,

nobody trying to take your New Balance.

I still frame things like that.

I'm the one that's checked out and I have no contact with anybody.

And I'm like, what the hell happened to Shane Gillis?

You never hear about that guy?

You ever see a friend who you do not know has become huge and then you're just walking along and it's like, oh, that's so cool.

Like, I recognized you.

And they're like pissed about it.

And it happens 40 more times.

And you're like, oh, you're successful.

No, no, no.

Went to a Yankee game with Stefano.

Oh.

And that hit me.

Oh, yeah.

You didn't realize what level he's at.

Yeah, like you've leveled up since Guy Code.

Yeah, it's weird.

I've been with Tim.

Anytime you're with Tim, Tim gets recognized more than anybody.

Well, he's very visible.

And then it feels like it's always a guy with his mom and dad.

It's always like an adult man that has his parents with him.

Yeah.

You know, and he's like, dude, I'm a huge fan.

And it's like, parents are waiting there.

And it's like, the guy's like 38 years old.

I don't know if it's like Tim just goes to parent places or why that is, but

you're saying his fan base is good sons.

Yeah, because it's not like you get the sense that they live with their parents, it's just that they are constantly going out to lunch with their parents.

Yeah, yeah, it's crazy to go out to lunch with them.

It's just the type of restaurant.

I mean, the biggest one is what, David Caruso, and he wasn't like, he had some

Cred.

NYPD Blue was Cred.

Yeah, but that's a lateral move to CSI.

No, I don't petty Blue's cool.

CSI was.

Yeah!

I think it's guys that are just slowing down, and then they're fucking that or hosting a talk, a game show.

Do you think the guy that edited the intro to CSI Miami knew what he was doing?

He's dooming that guy.

Yeah.

Especially because that was probably around the time of the Howard Dean thing.

That guy was like, you know what?

Fuck David Caruso.

I'm going to fucking doom him right now.

From now on for the rest of his life, that guy's not going to be able to have a moment of peace.

It's going to be people putting on sunglasses and saying yeah to his face.

Yeah!

It's fun.

It's cool.

And so his character is blind on that show.

No, he's not.

I thought

he's a, like, he can talk to dead people.

Oh, can he?

On CSI Miami?

What's that job called?

The mentalist.

No, no, no, no.

But there's a job.

That's such a funny name for a show, The Mentalist.

It's just saying retard.

It's really just saying retard.

What does that mean?

The brainalizer.

The thinkist.

Imagine writing a great show and they're like, all right, we got to come with a title.

It's as important as the plot.

Yeah.

The mentalist.

The mentalist.

Got it.

Nailed it.

Yeah.

You go.

Well, I always thought that was like the,

and I've said this, it's a joke I've made on the show before, but the laziest named movie is The Bone Collector.

Why?

What was the.

He just killed people?

He just killed people.

There wasn't any bones really being collected.

It was a misdirect.

Common Hollywood term.

Misdirect.

I guess it's like they were just like, what's a cool name for a cat?

How about the bone collector?

It is cool.

It's almost like, this is cool.

Let's save this for another.

Yeah.

For another one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to jog my memory.

There's something else

recently that I was like, really?

That's the title you went with?

Yeah.

Did you see Long Legs?

I did, and I loved it.

You loved it.

No, it was anytime you go with, I'll go back in time and erase the past, or multiverse, where it's like, oh, I can just jump universes, or, oh, it was Satan.

Yeah.

It's just like, it's a cop-out.

It's a cop-out.

Yeah.

People are saying that it's...

It was eerie.

Well, people are like, it's the new Silence of the Lambs.

Fuck off.

No way.

Well, it's not even close to that.

But on top of that, it's also like it very clearly borrows elements from Silence of the Lambs to be evocative of Silence of the Lambs.

And if, like, I don't understand how you can do that and then have people be like, you know what this reminds me of?

And not be embarrassed.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It would be like if you were like, like, literally, Joker, you were like, it's the new taxi driver.

It's like, well, no, it's not.

Well, it's

referencing taxi.

You hired the guy from Taxi Drive.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, it's not, you're not pointing it.

There's no insight here.

They asked Adam whatever and

whoever the other live guys from Beastie Boys about Eminem's new album because it's just the back of a plane with a thing.

And this guy was like, so he copied your album cover.

What do you think?

They're like,

it's an homage, guys.

He wasn't stealing it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's obviously ours.

Yeah, right.

Guys,

he's not trying to profit off us.

Yeah.

He's saying something.

Yeah, I think trying to to be another thing explicitly can never be the new this.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You could say Long Legs is the new Star Wars.

I'm not the new Jack the Ripper just because I've killed a lot of prostitutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would be insane to say that.

Yeah.

But it would still make more sense to me than saying

it's the new movie that

you just clearly are referencing for the first quarter of it.

The whole time you're trying to figure out, like, well, why did she say, and it's like, oh, Satan just didn't let her see some stuff.

I thought it was honestly kind of racist that they put

well, no, that they put Nicholas Cage and sort of, like, gave him like sort of an Irish-American phenotype.

Whiteface.

Whiteface, but then also, yeah, just kind of the weird nose and stuff.

I mean, he looks like, he looks like a distant Kennedy, maybe.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, what are you saying?

Are you saying the Kennedy?

Are you saying the Catholics are raping children?

Is that what you're trying to say here?

They're lucky I didn't bring my gun to the movie theater like I normally do.

Just in case the movie doesn't

scratch my itch politically.

Let's shoot up a new Joker just to get people to go, I told you.

Yeah.

It was so funny when that movie was coming out and people are like, if this movie comes out, there will be a mass shooting at the movie theater.

And it's like,

that was probably the most insane.

Of all the dumb fucking things people said about

gun violence that was the dumbest is that the new joke if we let the joker movie come out yeah like people are gonna be so enraged like well thank god i have my concealed carry here yeah right it's like are you

are you two years old do you have a two-year-old's brain i get the sense that's what that 2025 thing is project where it's like seven people are talking about it and then both sides are using it as like bait so it becomes way way bigger I have no idea what it is.

I don't care.

Trump's not going to win.

I think

we're just going to be dragged into

another never-ending war in the Middle East.

We're not really out of that yet, are we?

Well, I mean, that's like the thing.

Biden did get us out of Afghanistan.

That's what getting out of Afghanistan looks like.

It looks like a bunch of people hanging off a fucking plane and dropping to their death, and the Taliban getting a bunch of military equipment.

But we're out of Afghanistan.

It's like we would just continue kicking the can down the road forever.

Yeah.

Where it's like, oh, well, we're keeping a

there's like a consultation group there, and we'll keep like a security forces there.

Oh, there's an insurgency.

Okay, well, we'll send more troops over to deal with that.

It would just be fucking indefinite.

It would go forever.

But, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Are we going to war with Iran?

It seems like very clear

whoever has the money wants there to be a big fucking conflagration.

Yeah, it does seem like that.

I remember when, like,

the smartest thing Iran could do is nothing.

If they just did nothing in response, if they were like, ah, this sucks, it would kind of, the United States would have to be like,

well, we're invading Iran anyways.

We're doing it anyways.

We're just going to do it anyways.

Which will probably happen.

Which will probably fuck.

I mean, it's insane.

It's like, and then it gets more desperate.

Do you think somebody was trying to kill Trump other than this fucking crooks guy?

I don't know what.

I don't.

I can't even begin to get into that.

But like, as soon as it happens, you get fucking John Bolton and Blinken going to the news, being like, well,

you know, I mean, Iran has been trying to kill him.

Iran, not that they're saying that they did it, but

it could have been Iran.

They're just like using that to try and manufacture consent for this fucking.

I have been saying for a while, if China or Russia, but I guess Iran would go too, like, any enemy of America really wanted to defeat us, they would make an assassination attempt on Trump and make him look like a Democrat.

Yeah.

And then just watch us all deal with each other.

What, like a civil war and stuff?

I don't think that I don't think, like, all of the will for any kind of civil war revolution doesn't exist in America and it never will.

It just won't happen.

Pretty lazy.

Yeah, well, it just won't happen.

I mean, it's like

January 6th and the BLM rights as close as you get.

And they did.

And they did not even get rid of the government.

And was there a risk of really toppling the government?

It was never going to fuck up.

They're like, all right, let's go out the back door.

These idiots are out front.

Yeah, even

Even if they had killed Nancy Pelosi, it still wouldn't have amounted to anything.

It would have been like, that's nuts.

It is crazy that the guy who, like, listen, if I'm trying to stab you

or a president, I'm trying to, and I get, so I need a knife, I need to get close, and I try to lunge at him and somebody stopped me, they'd be like, oh, shit, well, you got close, but somebody stopped you.

Yeah.

But if I, like, missed with a knife, it'd be like, kind of, it's kind of weird.

Yeah, people.

He's a sniper and got a clear shot.

Yeah.

And then just didn't hit?

Was he just kind of good at sniping?

The roof was very hot.

I imagine it was probably.

It was uncomfortable.

Yeah, I was imagining it was very uncomfortable.

Maybe it was like that, that

you see that Olympian?

Pulls the arrow back and then a bee stings her finger right when she shoots it.

She right to the ground.

I did see people.

I'm not watching the Olympics because it's because you're a communist.

What's that?

Because you're a communist because Iran's not in this year.

And that's all you're root for is Iranian athletes.

No, no, no, no.

Because the Olympics is gay.

It's like it's never been cool.

Wasn't Wasn't that fun when

the gayest part of the gayest sport.

The Olympics is the gay gay gay gay.

And then they had the gayest part, which is the opening ceremony, and it got too gay.

You're telling me that you have the opening ceremony.

It's all about costumes.

At the Olympics in France.

In France.

Was gay?

Oh, my God.

They've ruined the opening ceremony of the France Olympics.

Yeah.

Let me ask you this.

What are gay people allowed to have?

What are they allowed to have?

What are they allowed?

What are they?

You mean to tell me you were there like, yo, y'all ready to watch the opening ceremony in the Olympics in France?

Dude, everybody I knew who was mad did not watch it.

Yeah.

And I was like, you've been instructed on how to be mad and why.

Yeah, right.

And then it's like, oh,

they're insulting the Last Supper.

Okay, tell me

what part of The Last Supper?

Which one of these characters are they supposed to represent?

Yeah, which one?

Which one?

Since you're so familiar with The Last Supper.

Dude, it was so funny watching people's reasoning crumble.

They're like, but you can't do a a mockery of that.

And you're like, you can't do a new interpretation of that.

They'll go, here's the Sopranos doing it.

Yeah.

And they go, well, that's different.

That's actors.

I'm like, well, it's murderer.

Do you remember Simpsons doing it?

What was it?

It was like the opening ceremony at the Beijing Olympics, or maybe it was the one in,

what was it, Suki?

Sochi.

Was it one?

It was like the two Russian bodybuilders, like,

yeah, like, just doing like Tom of Finland-style gay segue.

It was two of them, which is arguably, it's arguably gayer.

Yeah, just two is like really like two is real.

If it was, you could have a million trans people dancing around on stage.

If it was just two guys fucking each other,

that's far gayer.

Yeah, that's nice.

It is far gayer.

The only thing on, maybe there's a Harley-Davidson in the background somewhere.

Looking at each other nose to nose.

Right, yeah.

You know, yeah.

That would be worse.

And that's kind of what that one was.

But the crazy, the one, the story that's going around today is that people keep sharing this fucking, and I'm not a communist, by the way.

I want to make that clear.

It took you a long time to come up with the answer for why you're clear.

I was so insulted.

That's not the answer as to why I'm not.

I'm just, but I'm not a communist.

I want to make clear.

Run it back.

Run that tape back.

Yeah.

I am not a communist.

Marxists?

What would you call yourself?

You're like a new and neo-narrative.

I think

if you really had to put me in a box, I'm nothing more than just a run-of-the-mill social democrat.

I just have, I like giggling.

Putting in a box in the back.

Things I giggle at are often racist.

That's it.

But other than that, I don't know.

What are we going to say about it, though?

Oh, there's a new thing now with

there's this weird thing happening online.

It's this iterative

thing that you just keep seeing over the last four days where there's a story about some Algerian boxer,

a female boxer, who beat the shit out of another female boxer.

Right.

But she looks like a man.

Yeah, who's a boxer?

Because she's a boxer.

Yeah,

they're not the debutantes.

And so people post the story.

People post the story and be like, look what they allowed to happen.

And then people respond like, this is fucking disgusting and wrong.

And like,

you can't have these people competing.

And then they post that, and then they read it, and they find out, oh, this isn't a trans person.

It's not a trans person.

But it's the same outrage.

It's the same outrage.

It's the same level of like.

I can't believe it.

Well, they're mad.

There's no evidence that it's a trans person.

The best they can say is, like, well, she has elevated testosterone levels.

But because they've already posted and they're already mad, they double down.

And so they have to like find some kind of thing where it's like, yeah, but the whole thing just like because it blows up the entire argument where, because now here you do have a woman by your transphobic definition of what a woman is competing in a woman's sport.

Yeah.

And you just don't like it for that reason.

Well, then it invalidates all the other stuff at the moment.

Right, because no one's like, oh, shit, I guess I was right.

And every time you see a post and it gots everybody going, you look over their feet and you're like, all they do is rile people up.

It tricks other people, so then other people fall for it, and then they read it and they're like, well, then they're doubling down.

This is is the online version of Outside in LA, Outside a Movie Premier.

They'll hire 15 people to show up waiting for Tom Cruise.

And then other people are like, What are you waiting for?

Like, Tom Cruise.

I'm like, Okay, and then they all show, then there's not 200 people, and then the 15 hire people, they could just leave because it's all right.

Well, it's funny

that they're doing that too with seeing people getting

that's the other thing.

It's so funny, all of like the conservatives and Trump people have spent all they were just fully expecting the Democrats to keep Joe Biden until the bitter end.

So they had no plan other than calling him an old retard.

And then they were like, okay, how about a black lady that's half his age?

And they're not.

They have nothing.

They have fucking nothing.

And now what they're going for.

Because their guy was a couple of years ago.

Well, they're like, well, her record is terrible.

It's like, well, you said she doesn't have any record at all.

Yeah.

You just say she hasn't really done anything.

They've kind of like just kept her in the background for four years, so there's nothing to even really criticize.

Now they can just look at the accomplishments of the Biden administration and say, oh, well, that was her.

They're lying, but they can do it.

But on top of that,

what I'm seeing now is they go, oh, well, she's not even black.

And it's like, come on.

Come on.

But also, like, don't you want her to not be black?

Yeah, I don't understand.

Like, who's the target for that?

That was the Obama wasn't.

Like, black people are going to be like, wait a minute.

She's not black.

And now I've seen this.

I've seen people go online.

They go, well, her mom was Indian and her dad was Jamaican.

You know, and Jamaicans, i literally saw a guy on twitter try to make the argument that jamaicans are not black and it's like

you've completely lost your mind lost your mind

you're out

it's just trying too hard yeah

yeah when they showed that that whatever and it's like that guy's dick is out and then they're like no it's just a terrorist dock and he's like well still like what do you mean his dick wasn't out oh at the olympic all my friends who got mad that like he exposed his dick to a bunch of people like you know you've seen me do that to thousands of people over the years, and we're not upset.

Well, that's, I mean, yeah, people get really, it's funny.

I remember that, like,

I don't even know if I want to go into it, but nobody pays attention anymore.

Somebody's subscribed me to

his sub stack, so I get all of his newsletters.

That's Seth Simons guy.

Oh, okay.

So he's still going at it.

Still trying to find it.

His headlines are made.

He's honestly very funny.

I use one of his quotes as a quote on my bio.

I get a newsletter from him every two weeks.

Somebody sign me up for it.

It'll be like, well, that's it.

Shane Gillis just officially said we need to put all black people in concentration camps and gas in the death.

It is a funny thing.

It's like a reverse puzzle where you're like, let me see how he got it.

I know, I know.

And then you go, and then you watch the clip and he's like, yeah, he's like, what happened to like Blimpy sandwiches?

And then he's like, obviously, Blimpy went out of business after a racial discrimination lawsuit that happened 45 years ago.

And then if you look, that damaged their business.

So he's saying that to Dogwist to signal that, oh, it was the blacks that ruined the restaurant.

So maybe we should kill all of them.

Is that what you're saying?

I think it is.

Please subscribe.

It's $6 a month.

But no, I mean,

his leaps are great.

But that was the thing.

He was complaining about the first

Skanks Fest.

And he's like, Ty, he's trying to make the argument that Skanks Fest is a reactionary, kind of fascist sort of event.

Fascist?

Yes.

It's a conservative, racist, fascist.

That anti-communist.

Free mushrooms, maybe.

His opening, the first thing he opens with is like, Ari Shafur had his penis out on stage.

And it's like, okay, so what are you, like, a prude?

It's like, I don't understand.

Are you like, what argument are you trying to make?

Prudishness is always a fun thing for the right or the left.

Yeah, like they go to like, there's no consistency.

Let's just say Donald Trump has a small team.

Yeah, oh, they were, they were like engaging in facsimile gay sex, which you find what, to be degenerate or disgusting.

You know how we got Louis down there for the Brooklyn one?

What's that?

They were trying to get him down, but he was just recently like kind of like had just come back to stand up.

He goes, I'm not going to Brooklyn.

They're like, dude, it's not Brooklyn.

It's Skank Fest.

This isn't like a local audience.

And what's his deal?

What do you mean he won't go to Brooklyn?

It was right when he came to the business.

That's like a sex in the city joke.

He was like, these are the most woke people.

I know you live probably there.

Yeah, I love that stuff.

But you know how it is.

The shows there are kind of like.

See, I don't actually do the shows.

We do our show.

We do our show at Phony Moms, and I go there sometimes.

And even though that seems to be, I mean, I kind of just project how I feel, which is like, I don't, if I saw,

if I saw Nick DiPaolo trying trying to do 20 minutes at like cut your penis off bar,

I mean,

I would imagine it wouldn't go well, and I'd laugh about how bad it was, but I don't think like it's not like they would try to send him to jail over it.

You know what I mean?

I think it's kind of overblown.

Well, this is how they got him to go down.

Yeah, it is overblown, but also it's like I've done it in Brooklyn where I'm like, start, I'm like, you know how sometimes the crowd's just against you?

And then I remember having people be like, oh, I meant to tell you that.

They're going to hate your voice.

The bad experience I ever had performing in Brooklyn is I went to to Over the 8th to do the open mic after like two years of not doing open mics.

It's going to be tough no matter what.

And the whole crew had cycled, and there was like, I didn't know any of the comics there.

And

I said something to the effect of like, ah, yeah, I guess it's fun to be back doing a dog shit open mic, you know, after, you know.

And just thinking that there would be some kind of solidarity over the sense that we're going up reciting jokes at other aspiring comedians, which is it could not be a more pathetic of an event.

And then the host gets on a different mic and she goes, you're shitty.

And then the rest of them cheer.

And I'm like, no, I'm not criticizing you guys.

I'm criticizing this event of having to

do recite jokes at each other.

I mean, like, that is kind of pathetic on all of our behalves.

Maybe we could laugh about our circumstance.

And they're like, boo, you know, they put it.

Like, you guys don't even do negativity at all.

Yeah, and I was like, okay, well, I guess that's my time.

And I just left, you know, because it's like,

okay, if you want, I mean, there should at least be an acknowledgement that none of you are going to go anywhere.

You know, it's like you're going to be.

It can be like, this sucks.

We sucks when a coffee shop.

That was the standard when I started.

We're going to take turns dating each other and then eventually go to each other's weddings, hosted.

And then early funerals.

Right, yeah, exactly.

Hosted at the, which, and, and just laughably pathetic.

Funerals that say, oh, we're doing a we're doing a a memorial show for Mike, who

was bitten to death by the cocker spaniels that he was walking for a living.

They overtook him.

But yeah, it's like that's not a good way to end up.

Who I think about more than anything is the guys that really gave something up to do it.

Like the doctors who turned to.

I love that because then their wives are like, what are you doing?

Go back to doctoring.

You're not making any money.

Well, often they don't have wives.

I mean, that's.

Yeah, I've seen a few lives leave in the middle.

Like, hey, this is your dream.

This was never mine.

There was that guy that was like a big-time corporate lawyer who got into it, and I'm not going to say his name.

Geraldo?

No, no, no.

No, not Giraldo.

He was a lawyer, wasn't he?

He was.

But he started comedy when he was like 27.

A couple comedians.

Dr.

Ken was a Ken Jong was a doctor.

Matt Eisen was a doctor.

Ken Jung?

You call him Dr.

Ken?

That's when he started.

No, that's when he started.

He was Dr.

Jill.

He went by Dr.

Ken.

That's how I met him.

He was Dr.

Ken.

Oh, Dr.

Ken, of course.

Yeah.

Dude, he would give us actual medical advice.

We were like, hey, what's this growth?

And he'd be like, nothing.

Or like, no, you got to go in for that.

We would be like, Doctor, can I talk to you?

I saw somebody.

It was great.

He ruled.

I was just laughing with somebody.

There was like some, who is, oh, it was like the last guy.

Was it Andre that was on?

And they had him.

Was it him and Dr.

Ken?

What, Bill?

Because he goes, Ken, well, they had him and Ken Jong do something that was like the past and future of Asian comedy.

And it's like,

this is is so arbitrary.

I mean,

it's like Bob and D's just seething.

Well, I mean, it's like, what?

It's like, just pick two.

Go on stage.

Yeah, right.

The past and future of

Asian comedy.

Yeah.

By the way, that's an easy, like, there's nine of them, so let's figure out which one's on which side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, so here's what I'm going to say with Louie.

So we're trying to get Louie to come down.

He's like, I don't know.

He's like, bro, they would all love you.

He goes, I don't know.

And he goes, what's happening right now?

And he goes, okay.

And they go, Ari is literally chasing Corinne Fisher with his dick out on stage.

She's screaming and running away.

Yeah.

And he goes, I'll be down in a few.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

He goes, What's the crowd doing?

Like, they're cheering for it.

Everyone's having a good time.

He's like, I'll see you soon.

Seth's going to get word of that, and that's going to be a clip.

Lucy Kay enticed to perform at Skanks Fest by promises of rape.

Guaranteed rape for him.

Yeah.

Dude, this hair gives you power, huh?

No, I got to get a fucking cut, man.

I've just been.

It's the same reason I grew my beard out for like three years.

I just.

This is your look, buddy.

I don't know.

Try pigtails.

Before you cut that, I do full pigtails.

Sometimes, yeah.

I've just

spent the entire day with the cat at the vet yesterday, so I got the cat taken care of.

Now I got to do my own.

What do you mean, taken care of?

That sounds mafiosis.

Are you that casual about putting your cat down?

No, I didn't put the cat down.

The cat had dental issues.

It had to be attended to.

And then I called one of those in-home vets a couple weeks ago because the cat wasn't eating.

She had a bunch of pain.

Oh, shit.

And so

she fixed her up at the time.

She gave her like medicine and antibiotics, but she was like, yeah, these teeth need to be pulled because they're just going to keep getting infected.

But the only place, because she's like a mobile vet, the only place she could do it was all the way down in fucking

Gravesend.

So I had to drive all the way down there, and then I spent the entire day in Gravesend just just killing time.

Gravesend?

Gravesend, yeah.

Damn, I don't know Brooklyn at all.

Yeah, that's what you don't drive.

I do drive, but not to Brooklyn.

Do you have a car?

Yeah, I got it in pandemic when I had to.

Really?

What do you drive?

Like

a gray Toyota Camry, license plate.

All right.

Yeah, keep an eye out, folks.

Keep an eye out for that Camry.

Just a little Corolla.

Yeah, but I got the cat.

We got a couple of her teeth removed, and

she's hopefully doing better now because she's old.

She's very old.

Yeah, that sucks.

Very old teeth.

Her teeth removed.

Damn.

Yeah.

How do they bring you dead birds anymore?

You have to give her an already dead bird.

She was never a dead bird cat.

I found her outside, so she's like happy to be inside.

Cats do that.

It's like one of my favorite things of just misinterpretation

is the dead cat on the pillow.

Yeah.

A blogger would be like, how dare you do this?

It's offensive.

Yeah, it'd be cool if a snake, you had a pet snake that brought you like pigs

wrapped up in like

just like covered in saliva.

They just like threw up an entire dead pig.

They would just bring you John Voigt and leave it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What a dumb animal.

Snakes.

Yeah.

And it's funny because it's like even like 6,000 years ago, they knew it was stupid.

So when they invented religion, they were like, well, there's got to be a reason to have these.

To have the God probably was like, I'm taking your legs away because you show no emotion.

You tricked women into hiding their pussies.

No, that's what it was.

The snake lost their leg and ability to talk.

Yeah, right.

Because of what he tricked Eve.

That is the story of Genesis, basically, is the fall.

It was a guy 6,000 years ago being like,

used to be able to just get pussy, whatever.

There was nothing special about it.

You walked around naked all the time.

You want a pussy right there.

And then a snake tricked a woman into tricking a man.

Into tricking a man, right?

Yeah.

So now we can't get pussy anymore.

They're smart.

Do you know that Robert Mitchum collected?

I feel like I should go to Jerusalem now and see all the buildings.

Before they're gone.

Before it's too late.

Istanbul, too.

Probably.

Do you know Istanbul was Constantinople, but now it's Istanbul?

Yeah.

It's gone back and forth like a couple of times.

Yeah, been a long time gone.

Yeah.

I feel like, yeah,

I want to see Turkey before Turkey implodes.

Turkey's a regional superpower.

I'm thinking of going there to fucking fix this.

Okay.

All right.

I went for one day.

It was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've never been to Rome.

I haven't seen anything.

I didn't get out there, man.

The oldest place I've been, I think, is Walt Disney World.

Not even been to Rhode Island.

Yeah, I think that's.

Yeah, this is from, what, the 30s or something?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I say this, like, I want to be cultured, but I would be satisfied with just going to, like, Bush Gardens.

That's a culture of Bush.

They do have.

They have Europe.

Trash is a culture.

They have Europe in Busch Gardens.

It's like a European theme.

Bush Gardens, have you been to Busch Gardens?

It's Big J Corps.

Is it?

It's his whole aesthetic.

What, Europe?

J.

Corp.

No, it's Busch Gardens.

And just like theme parks in general.

It's amazing.

They got dragons.

Yeah, they have like a fake Germany.

Dude, it's really cool.

And you could eat all of that.

Oh, yeah.

I learned a lot about Germany, actually.

They got like five different types of hot dogs.

I do like Big J's costuming, whatever, because at least he does have a sense of style, as trash as it is.

He should have been the opening ceremony at the Olympics.

He should have been.

Because then both wings, right and left, would be, this is gay.

Can you imagine if it was just a bunch of guys doing the fucking like

the

break stuff music video?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

If that was the opening ceremony.

Yeah.

Fred Duris, Big Jay Okerson,

Guy Fieri, the Smash Mouth guy that female Secret Service agent that couldn't put her gun away.

The whole crew, the whole family is back together.

She took some heat on that one.

Yeah.

I want to see an interview with her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I guarantee you she would be like, brother, it's all about doing the best you can in the moments that you can do them.

You know what I'm saying?

I try to maintain a positive attitude.

I'm in my spare time.

I'm a Christian youth minister.

Yeah.

To other, to other Santa Cruz.

Is that right-wing lesbian that nobody shows in the rating?

To other Santa Cruz-style lesbians, I give the idea of that.

To the PE teacher lesbian.

Yeah, she is.

You can look at that lady and you know what her deal is.

Hey, prediction for lesbians and trans and stuff.

She had a big weekend planned of making ribs and inviting, like, you know.

She's got to be online.

Yeah, two other ladies like that over.

A couple of brown sugar on them, and they were going to have a couple of beers and sit around, maybe play Uno.

Beat up a fag.

Yeah, right.

Here's my prediction for trans stuff.

Yeah.

You know Brittany Griner?

You've heard of her?

Yeah, she got Russia.

Yeah.

As soon as she retires from the WNBA, she's going to transition to male.

She can't do it now because then they would all be like, you can't play here anymore.

So as soon as she retires, she's male-side.

And she'll go the other way?

What do you mean?

She's going to be a man.

She's currently a female.

She's currently a female and she's going to be a man and they won't let her play in the NBA.

The NBA?

Because she's not good enough or because she's not.

She's not good enough.

Oh, okay.

Or because they're like, no, it's only a men's-only sport.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The NBA, though, male sports would allow in a woman.

Yeah.

Like, they do actually in college football has women.

It's weird because I feel like we're going to get to, because I feel like trans culture hasn't materialized in any kind of way that has broader appeal.

They need to embrace the trans am as their company car.

Well, here's this is the point that I'm making:

I'm familiar enough with trans people stuff to know that the shit that they like is just

like

it's not unique enough to their identity.

Right.

You know, it's like fucking fucking the hat from Bob's Burgers.

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's like some internet stuff, but it's not like, you know, it's like Funko Pops.

There's nothing about like in the same way that just regular gay culture has

all of this kind of like stuff.

You know what I mean?

Because trans is actively trying to not be what they were assigned.

A lot of the stuff that could have been trans stuff just got absorbed into gay culture through like drag.

Right.

Like drag almost belongs more to the gay world than the trans world.

Well, that was the other thing that the right-wing got mad about.

Like, look at these trans-like, that's drag.

I'm like, that's trans.

I'm like, no, no, that's drag.

They're not even saying they're women.

And so, I feel like because of that, we're going to end up in a situation where, in like, probably 40 years, being trans is like just sort of normal.

There's no, there's no more conversation.

Like, the idea of gender dysphoria, that'll be like a normal thing, but then there will still be gay culture that will be up for debate.

Where it's like, they're like, if you want to fuck boys, just become a woman.

You know, it's like it's going to turn into that.

I legitimately, no joke, think that trans just needs to be broadened to where like the bulldykes are just like, oh, we're menish.

But if you, if you go, like, there's no gender, gender is a construct, then there is no male or female.

That's, but that, there still needs to be kind of, I mean, you should just let people do whatever you want to do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, of course.

Figure it out, but yeah, I just think it'll go the way of the transvestite.

To what, from my understanding, to what extent any of like the detransition stuff is is detransition yeah

roller versus way to go back it seems to be mostly um

like

women that transitioned to men and then realized after the fact that like oh i was just a lesbian and i felt pressured into right you know and so now then they get like a fucking yeah it's not it's not so much the

f

nah this shit's too confusing this is why it has to become normalized because i can't People aren't going to be able to do the.

I just wish we could tell them all the really right-wing angry people.

They're like, guys, just get over it so we can stop talking about it.

I don't know.

You're making us talk about it more and nothing matters.

Yeah, the thing with the Cowboys matter.

The thing with the boxer should make so fucking mad.

That's what like a cat does.

To show that they're pissed.

You're like a

show.

How about Adam Friedland not?

You're like a big Himalayan over here.

No.

Oh, those are are mine.

No.

I can't believe that.

No.

The penny old notch.

I like that that means nothing to a cat, too.

What?

No.

Saying no.

There's just like.

Yeah.

My cat, I got.

I had this penny.

I had one like it.

I had to get the new iPhone comes with like a braided cord.

Really?

Yeah, that's very funny.

Wow.

A penny.

A 99.

That's pretty good.

Just worthless currency.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's real.

It's 99.

Yeah.

Why do people do that?

I remember that in cartoons where they were like, you can,

if it wasn't gold, like

I understand if you thought it was like you're just going to aluminum poison anything.

Exactly.

They don't make fake gold out of chocolate.

I don't, it's like nobody's like, he's going to think this cracker is actually gold.

It's going to be some type of metal, right?

Steel or hard copper.

It never made sense.

I remember seeing that in Dumbo as a kid, and I was like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah.

Get back to the racist crows.

Right.

I was a kid.

I was like, am I supposed to do this?

Should I be biting coins?

Yeah.

Not much Adam Friedland in this, but let's keep watching.

It's my favorite podcast.

Luckily, they don't talk about.

Keep going.

Sorry.

Why would he say that?

I've never been more.

Look how sad I am.

But he said that.

Do you think Biden thinks he looks like Gary Sinise?

Do you think Biden got Biden like Biden?

Yeah, Biden's like internal self-image.

He's like, I'm not Gary Sinise.

Remember when Joe Biden fell off a bike and everyone started laughing at an 80-year-old who fell off a bike?

Anybody falling off a bike is funny.

It is pretty funny.

It is pretty funny.

They need like a, yeah, they need Kamal Harris to have hit in the dick with a Frisbee.

It is very funny seeing the support for Kamala over the last three weeks, and it's not really based on anything Kamala herself has done.

There's just, it's like, it's like, and people are rallying.

It's all so fake and phony.

You step back and you just see through what both sides are just fucking doing.

I don't believe it's like truly fake.

It's just that like we had such shitty options going into this.

Yeah.

That now

people are just because we aren't hearing from Kamala really either.

Outside, I mean, she's done a couple of campaign events, but like, It's people are just inventing their own idea of what she is.

Of what she is.

Right.

Which is, honestly, that's what you should do.

You should kick the can down the road as far as you can until November.

Keep it in, like, this fucking this phase where people can just be excited about whatever version of Kamala they imagine.

But it's like, uh, yeah, it's like, it's like 2008 fucking Obama energy now off of

like nothing.

You know, like

she hasn't done or said anything or told us anything, really.

I mean,

yeah.

But, yeah, I mean, I I don't know.

I think yeah, I I

what I don't hear is any of them talking about the fucking opioid and fucking homeless problem.

There's nothing you can do about that.

Great.

I would love to hear a president say that.

By the way, guys, just so you know,

obviously I'm aware of the homeless.

There's nothing you can do about that.

So let's get on to fucking talking about the problem.

We talked about the opioid crisis when it was our government making and selling the heroin.

Now that it's China, it's like, all right, well, there's nothing.

What do you want us to do?

Go to war with China?

I'm sorry.

We got everyone addicted to heroin, and now the Chinese have undercut us, and we have no control over it.

That'd be a good answer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would be funny if there was somebody that tried to just run on

just being very deeply cynical.

Like, it's like, look, you're all just going to fucking die, dude.

I mean,

nihilist.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, just a guy being like, look,

president is not a real job.

I have very limited power.

I understand there's a genocide going on.

If I got into the office and I tried to reduce reduce arms sales, they would kill me.

Hey, Nihilus President,

what can we do about the economy right now?

Nothing.

What you need to have, we need a recession, unfortunately.

You're going to have to see a lot of people with their lives fucking ruined so that the people that make all the money can extract the capital out of this realm, and then we can restart the process after you've lost your home.

Nihilus President, Nilas President, Nilas President, the border.

What are we thinking about it?

We're just going to ignore it.

We're just going to ignore the border entirely.

Not as president.

They're redoing all the districts.

Here's the good news.

If there is a terrorist attack, because that's the big concern, it seems to be that there's a lot of terrorists now crossing the border.

Hezbollah's going to Venezuela, and then because of their

communist, now there's communists that violently stole the election.

So now we need to go in and change the results to somebody that just coincidentally is somebody we like.

Just coincidentally, it happens to be somebody that we like, and that's, you know,

but now the election being is,

we're not even going to investigate whether it was rigged or not.

Let's just install somebody else.

I'd love to see Niles Brother just go, guys, Bob Dylan was writing about this.

It's not going to change.

I promise you this, if there is a terrorist attack, it was us that did it.

So you don't have to worry about anything.

We'll be very sure that we pick a target that is not.

You know what?

Honestly, we'll just tell you the plan right now.

It's going to be against synagogues

that makes the most sense.

We need to drive home the idea of rising anti-Semitism and blame Iran.

So if you're a regular American, you have nothing to worry about.

We're going to be bombing synagogues and blaming it on some new version of ISIS.

I've seen anti-Semitism right here.

Do you have a cigarette?

No, I don't.

That's what I'm talking about: anti-Semitism.

I've done other podcasts with an anti-Semitic that do have a cigarette.

Well, I just don't.

I don't smoke.

No.

No, I am like, that triggered me.

I'm like, like, two days, no vaping.

Oh, really?

You walked in here right now.

It's like, fucking Friedland, take the goddamn paper.

I know, I know, I know.

I had already convinced myself that it was, that, like, you know, because I went two days and I was like, you know, oh, my God, I'm going to, like, you know, I'm going to make it out.

And then I knew it was here.

And I'm like, okay, I'll cheat.

And I'll have the office vape.

And then I got in here and he took it.

He brought it home with him to Vegas.

Well, if you want to suck on a penny, I got a penny I can loan you.

That does not do it for me.

I'm sorry.

That doesn't do it.

But I think we're good.

I think we covered all the topics.

You know, you guys got your weekly dose of

world affairs.

How do we cover this so far?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, here's what I think is going to happen.

I don't know, but it ain't going to be good.

Yeah.

We need the car guys back with political commentary.

Would they say anything?

Yeah, they never really, you would expect them to shit on non-American.

They'd be like, yeah, my Volvo makes a clicking noise.

Every time I take a right turn, they're like, well, I'll tell you what the problem is, is that you really have to understand that Hezbollah at one point was a resistance organization, but now they've moved.

It's more of a militia.

Okay, what does that have to do with my Volvo?

Are you going to let me answer the question, you fucking faggot?

I like when the Volkswagen was made with human hair in the seats.

What is your fucking...

Why don't you let me answer the fucking question?

Can I finish?

Can I finish?

That was an early Come Town joke, is Car Talk on SiriusXM.

Really?

Yeah, they leave NPR and they're on SiriusXM.

Oh, that's great.

You know, and

they're like, yeah, I can't.

Every time I put my, I got a Ford Fiesta.

Every time I put it in reverse, there's a grinding noise.

Yeah, well, why don't you put your ass in reverse right on my fucking cock?

No, I'm just kidding.

Anyways, yeah, so what that is.

My favorite come down was Gay Mickey Mouse.

Gay Mickey Mouse.

Oh, no.

That was like sort of like

a fractal thing where we got

Jay Leno, who's Mickey Mouse, and also he's gay.

But it was the best.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Yep, that'll be.

It's nice to know that I at least did one thing in my life.

I think it'll go down as the anal of history.

And the anals of history.

That's a funny thing.

What the fuck is that?

What's that?

There's so many dumb words.

Anals?

Who would say anals?

There's so many fucking dumb words that just stick around because people are like, oh, that sounds cool.

And it's like, no, it sounds like anals.

It sure sounds like anals.

It sounds like the anus of history, and we should stop using that word.

You know what you mean?

You know what it sounds like?

The record.

You know?

How about the record?

It'll go down in the historical record.

No, I'm saying anals.

I've got my own agenda.

It's my last chance.

I've got my own agenda.

I'm saying anals here.

Yeah, that's how they get you.

Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you very much, guys.

I will be in Irvine again at the Irvine Improv to this third week of September.

You can go to my website, check it out.

Please look it up.

Please come out.

Got to sell these tickets.

I will never be back

in Southern California again.

today's episode was brought to you by the movie long legs written and directed by Gary Sinise everybody go out and check it out yeah yeah you got anything to plug I guess your upcoming special upcoming special that'll be like September October or something but like are you putting it out on

something

I don't know I'm talking to YouTube right now to see if they can like not censor it and then like the other places too in case YouTube does say yeah we're gonna censor that well what are the other places like rumble or something no like Netflix and HBO

okay

but they do censoring too, also, don't they?

They wouldn't be after the fact.

They'd be like, we can air this or we can't.

They wouldn't, like, a month in, go, hey, we're not going to show this to anybody anymore.

Right on.

Okay.

But I got a podcast you'd be tripping that you'll never be on, I guess, until you go fucking.

I will.

I'll go.

I'll go.

I'm going to go.

I'm doing my big.

You can interview me about a place.

I'm doing my big China trip soon.

Dude, I've been there and it's fucking sick.

I would imagine it is.

It's so funny.

I want to go see the old buildings before they blow them up.

I either want to see,

I would actually like to time it perfectly, so I'm at Al-Aqsa right when they blow up the dome.

And then I would like to be there maybe also to just, or they should live stream the building of the third temple.

Going down like one of those implosions.

Well, blowing it up and then

building the new one.

I would be pretty mad if in my lifetime that doesn't happen.

The Sagara de Mishpacha.

Because I just, I would like to see.

It would be nice to know.

Are they right or not?

Like, ah, they were right.

Are all of these religious people right or not?

The cool thing about Jews is once the Messiah could be like, not too late, you can join it, but it would be very funny just to see what happens to smug atheists.

That's at South Park.

Like, it was the Mormons.

Like, oh, the Mormons.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

if they built a tourist.

Yeah, the smug atheists going, damn it.

Well,

it is.

If you have to go, like, you'll be proven wrong in the steps of, like, the doorstep of

the Pearly Gates.

The religious people, if they're proven wrong, they'll never know.

It's just blankness.

Yeah.

It's just nothing.

And then the non-religious people, they'll never know they're right.

They'll only know that they're wrong.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of other places I might want to see.

Yeah, what else?

What do you got?

Eiffel Tower could eat a dick.

Put yourself off that.

It could blow up, and I would not, I would be like, yeah, I didn't miss anything.

Basically, nothing in France.

You could just remake the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, well, it's nothing really.

Remember a couple years ago when Notre Dame burned down and people were like, oh my God.

And collectively the world was like, yeah, I guess that sucks.

Like, oh, I'll never went there.

No, I don't really.

I'm sorry, but this is.

They played the church bells of the Notre Dame Crusader, the first time since the fire.

Yeah.

And all the right-wing people, the Christians, were just figuring out what they were offended by and not how fucking awesome it was that one of their most massive churches fucking got like put back into service again.

What were they mad about with the bells?

No, they weren't.

Oh, they weren't worried about other shit and not focused on any positivity.

Oh, this just happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

During that same opening ceremonies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the Notre Dame Cathedral.

I went to the outside.

Yeah.

It was like $10 to go in.

I was like, nah.

Yeah.

I'd like to go to Antarctica, but only if, like, the thing is real.

You know, I would be down there.

I'd be like, let me see where the thing happened.

Yeah.

And they'd have to explain to me that it's just.

It was a soundstage.

I'm like, okay, fine.

Then where did all of the Chilean guys eat each other?

that was like that was chili like oh okay no hold on well then did anything happen in antarctica why are you down what are they fucking researching i think the black oil from x-files yeah i think that's got to be they're trying to find that yeah yeah it's just the icy thing i don't understand like people like there's all these types of like research that happens yeah where it's like oh i study dirt in the desert and it's like no you don't

there's not you're not gonna there's not gonna be any new information in the the dirt.

You know what I mean?

They had this research facility on a

remote island

way off Iceland, and tomatoes started growing.

And they're like, how could this be?

Was it bird migration carrying tomato seeds?

And then they were like, oh, it was a researcher who went out and shot and had a seed in his butt.

Yeah.

So you guys are just making your own research of it.

That's cool.

I remember every once in a while they'll find like

scientists who'll be in like science journals or whatever.

They'll be like, wow, scientists discover 40 new types of spiders.

It's like, 40?

We don't want that.

Use the Facebook, at least one every two months.

In your dumb scientist mind, you think people are sitting at home in New York, in fucking L.A., in the middle of the country, in Omaha, Nebraska, and they're reading the newspaper and they put it down.

They're like, wow.

I just wish we had more spiders.

Yeah, invent something new.

Why can't this, why can't...

That can't be it.

It can't just be fucking tarantula, daddy longlegs, black widow.

And the little ones.

There's got to be, yeah, there's got to be more spiders out there.

God, scientists make me so fucking angry.

Where are they getting the money for this?

Who's donating?

Who's going?

Breast cancer is probably pretty good.

Let's go to spider research.

Yeah, that's the other thing, too, about the deep state: people are like, oh, there's a secret cabal controlling everything.

If you saw the amount of money that the government spent on just the dumbest shit in the entire world, like you can go, anyone can go to the government and say, I want $40 million

to go to the jungle and find out if monkeys can learn how to play laser tag.

All right, we're going to have his committee.

Bokeh.

Yep.

Sounds good.

You know, all the malaria researchers, Bill Gates?

He's like 90 to 8% of the fucking malaria.

Without him, they'd be like, just it run rampant.

His wife, I guess, I don't know.

She was like sexually aroused by malaria.

That's cool.

Yeah, so she was.

No mosquitoes anymore.

Have you noticed that?

I'm just like, the last three, two summers, it's like nothing.

They went to LA.

LA had no mosquitoes.

Now they have them, I heard.

Oh, good.

Yeah, good.

Fuck them.

You're good, yeah.

Fuck them.

Yeah.

God, that town.

I miss it sometimes.

And then other times I think about it and I'm like, God, everybody there fucking sucks.

It sucked.

I mean, if there is, if any of that biblical shit is real, LA is definitely.

It's starting there.

It's starting at the Saddle Ranch.

Yeah.

LA is one of those towns in the Bible where they're like, dude, fuck God.

Fuck this fucking faggot.

We're doing whatever we want and nothing bad will ever happen.

Dude, when Rogan moved in 2020, he goes, LA sucks.

I'm like, wait, you just realized that?

2020, was what made you realize LA sucked?

You were there for 20 years.

Well, that's, I mean, also, this Austin Exodus, too, is like, people are like, oh, Rogan ruined Austin.

It's like, no.

You're an Austin boy.

But what's that?

You're an Austin boy.

Yeah, I lived there for a while.

And it's like, no, like, all of these people moved there after Austin was already ruined.

It's like they moved.

It's very funny because the...

The Keep Austin Weird Shirts was already a throwback.

Already before they got there.

LA people already ruined Austin.

And then all the LA people were like, I'm done with L.A.

I'm going somewhere else.

Where there's a bunch bunch of LA people.

It's like, yeah, to the other LA that you created.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a bunch of LAs around the country and they all suck because it's just that vibe.

New Orleans, they all moved to New Orleans.

That's Deshaun Patton.

So they'll do a parade down the street and the LA people just watch them and take pictures.

They're like, join us.

The irony of it is like Houston kind of used to be like the LA of Texas.

But now Houston's like, Houston's honestly the best city in Texas.

It's a cool scene.

There's no other city in Texas I would enjoy spending time in.

About Dallas.

What's that?

But Dallas.

Dallas is like, I don't, it's.

It's hip.

Well, no, it's not.

I don't, my, my experience with Dallas, which I haven't been in Dallas proper in probably 10 years now at this point, so maybe Dallas is different, but Dallas just feels like it's too kind of like professional.

And it's, it's, uh,

I remember

it's boring.

Ten years ago, I was doing a festival in Houston.

Yeah.

It was a music/slash comedy festival, and I was there with Norman, and we were talking to some like locals, and she was like, this is 10 years ago.

She goes, Austin is not the best scene in texas it's houston because in austin you're preaching to the choir everyone there is converted everyone there is liberal so like you can't really go at anybody and in houston you have a lot of drunk rednecks who are going to go back at you if you don't like cross your t's and dot your i's yeah with your jokes so it was like it's a way funner more like combative place yeah when i lived in austin even austin

Second only to San Antonio, did have the worst comedians.

They were good for Austin.

For Austin.

But I remember I moved there and there was this sense of entitlement and these like the Austin comics thought they were like the best in the world.

And then I went to Dallas.

You would meet comics from Dallas and Houston and it's like, oh, they actually write jokes.

Yeah, that was.

It's not just a guy on stage like

fucking rambling and trying to get off on vibes.

Yeah, some of them got really mad when Rogan and those people moved there.

And it's like, well, sorry you fucking, no one challenged your mediocrity.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, there's some fucking A-level headliners here.

No, it's like,

it's an extension of the same thing you see in New York, where it's like the quote-unquote alternative comics are like, yeah, we're kind of like building our own scene here.

It's like all of your shows are attended by agents, assistants,

by like people from fucking Peacock.

You guys are constantly getting opportunities.

There's nothing particularly alternative about it.

Especially, even if that wasn't happening, your goal is still to operate within the world of the normal entertainment industry.

You guys are all seeking the same exact things.

It's maybe an alternative route, but there's nothing alternative.

But you're going for the same thing.

You're respecting the same thing.

You guys all get jobs on SNL.

It's like it's

on a defunct, boring altar.

Yeah, yeah.

And Awesome is the same thing.

It's like, oh, we're doing something different.

It's like, you think that because Comedy Central and Montreal come here because it's a fun town to hang out in, you know, and then you guys get those spots.

There's the same thing with the alt scene in LA where like a couple of them, like a lot of the main, main, big alt comics would never go to the comedy store.

Back when the comedy store was a failure place.

Yeah.

But the good alt comics, like Louis, he'd be like, yo, I'm an alt king, but I'll go to the comedy store.

I'll do well there, too.

Yeah, yeah.

He wouldn't fear a non-alt audience.

Yeah, even my time in Austin, it's like you can compare any Austin comic to like fucking, you know, like Paul Varghese.

Yeah.

It's an amazing comedian.

Like Austin had like nobody at that level.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Like those other towns could produce comics that could stay there and be national headliners.

That's how San Diego was, too.

Yeah.

And they come up to LA to do spots at the store, and they were like, it's going to be a long road back.

That's a two and a half hour silent ride.

Yeah.

You came up here to bomb when you normally fucking crush.

Yeah, yeah.

Because San Diego, everybody's fun and happy.

San Diego,

that's what Dallas feels like to me.

Interesting.

You know, where it's like, this should be fun, but it's not.

It's missing something.

Yeah.

That's not a bad comparison.

Yeah.

Now we're doing your travel podcast.

I can tell you.

You've been tripping.

Subscribe now.

Yeah, yeah.

How many podcasts do you have at this point?

Just one.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I ended the other one.

I got bored of it.

You got rid of Skeptic Tank?

Yeah.

I wanted to get you back on there for almost a decade.

Because the only one you've done was when you were living in a tenement.

I was in the apartment.

When you went to that candy shop.

Yeah.

Yeah, that foreign candy shop.

Yeah, yeah.

She Eurasia.

That's what it was called.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They had like mop shit.

I just got scared.

You said a decade.

And I'm like, has it really been?

Yes, it has been a decade.

Yeah.

And I was like, can we get you back on?

You were like, I'm done with comedy.

Bro, I'm living in a fucking tenement.

I'm obviously not making it.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was like, fuck.

I'm like, give it another week or something.

But you're not wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, can we get you back in that successful day?

That's the thing.

I I feel like

you should just be realistic about things.

I'm not successful.

All my money is in the stock market.

It's crashing.

I will be broke tomorrow.

I'll be going right back to the bottom.

And all I have now is these $4,000 chairs.

Yeah.

Long hair, and I'm missing my office vape.

It's been taken away from me by Adam, who is now Britain's most famous comedian.

The most intellectual British comedian of all time.

You know the ad I wanted to do when you were on that podcast?

Is Casper came to me, one of them.

Casper or one of the other ones.

Oh, yeah, and give me a bed.

It wouldn't have fit in that fucking.

I said, give me a twin, and I already have one from your competitor who would you all do the exact same shit.

It's a fucking new mattress.

It wouldn't have fit in that twin.

Not a queen,

just a small one.

I'm telling you, a twin.

What would you have in there?

It was like a Chinese.

A bed of leaves?

No, like a Chinese, like, like the kind of mattress you would put in, like, a camper.

It was like fucking, it was like five feet by, it was like a couch cushion, basically.

And then eventually nothing.

I would just sleep on it because it would get bed bugs in it.

And I was like, I'm just not dealing with this.

So I just slept on plywood.

You heard me once.

Yeah,

I taught myself how to.

And it was very funny, too, because even in my current apartment, I went back to just sleeping on the floor because I got used to it.

He just wakes up like the cripkeeper.

And then last, like a year and a half ago, I got...

a real mattress.

Yeah.

And like it fucked my backup.

Really?

Yeah.

It was like a like a three-month job.

I bought like a nice mattress.

I got like a...

I know mattresses can get really expensive.

I spent six grand on getting one of those sealy black mattresses.

Yeah.

And then for, yeah, six weeks, like.

I heard they used to be sealy Indian mattresses.

And just recently, have they converted over to sale black mattresses?

Seely Indian mattresses?

What does that mean?

It's a Kamala Harris Donald Trump joke.

I don't see.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, black Indian.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I was, you know, I'm just, I'm thinking, I'm like, is the match for stinky?

Does it

does the match is it a diarrhea match?

I don't understand what what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

They they just they just converted.

I mean, that's the that is the most insane angle of attack.

It's funny because somebody I know I'm friends with mostly liberals, and and they were like, Why would he go on there?

He's not going to win them over.

And I'm like, He's not trying to win them over.

He's trying to make them make clips for his own fan base.

That's all they're doing, is making clips for him for the people who are like, I might not go out and vote this year.

They're like, I will.

This guy rules.

What's really going to be disappointing for them is when Donald Trump loses,

and then

there's not even another January 6th.

That's not going to happen.

There's going to be nothing.

There's not even going to be a big push from right-wing media to dispute the results of the election.

They're just going to go right into calling Kamala a shitty president.

But

it's going to be the end of this whole

MAGA strain because there's no heirs to the throne.

Donald Trump can't even do it anymore.

Right.

He'll be too old in four more years.

He's already fought through it.

Yeah, but he can't even do it now.

It's like the, the, the, like, I mean, that guy used to fucking take shots.

It's kind of like Danny DeVito still being like the weirdo.

And it's like, nah, you're just fat.

No, people are like, oh, he's already, there's a club.

He goes, laughing Kamala.

I call her laughing Kamala because she's always laughing.

She's crazy.

You know, and it's like, compare that to like the shit he was saying in 2016.

Yeah, it was nuts.

You know,

it was like early Milo.

Yeah,

I never liked that guy.

I always thought he was a dork.

I know you're friends with him.

I loved him.

He was making people so mad.

I loved it.

Oh, he wasn't, though.

Yes, he was.

So people cried over his fucking I don't care attitude.

Stuff would happen online, and then he would come in and be like, look what I'm doing.

And it's like, no, this is just happening right now.

I remember you telling me he's like, I came up with it.

He didn't come up with it.

No, I didn't say came up with it.

He found us up behind him.

He was fucking before.

And he found itself behind the president.

Let's get it.

He takes credit for this was helped it along.

this was a guy trying to take credit the internet did things on its own and this motherfucker when he when he was told to shut up on some panel show because he's like we're talking about women's issues right now you need to shut up because you're a man he goes and he just waited you know what he is and then he was like men are also all filled displaced right now some some lady was like i don't think i goes uh excuse me we're talking about men now so you need to shut up yeah and they were like he's brandon mordell dude he's the same as brandon wardell he's a guy that sees internet stuff he's like that's me and it's like well no it's everybody it belongs to everybody belongs to everybody you can't take that for yourself i don't know him enough to know.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm basically just going off to think.

Because you told me that, and I'm like, he didn't come up with that.

He found himself.

He didn't come up with, Fortune came up with it.

But you were saying, he told you that he came up with it.

No.

And I remember, I just...

He was on skanks when he did it.

You came up to me and you were like, he came up with that.

I'm like, he did not come up with that.

He's a fucking, but he was like, okay, let's all try to push this.

And he goes, oh, shit, I'm right behind the president right now, the fucking Republican president.

I'll just do it and I'll let the internet run with it.

Yeah, yeah.

He helped it.

He helped.

Buddy, you don't know how backtracky I am.

You can't pin about him backtracking.

I'm not trying to pin anything on you.

Well, good luck because you won't.

Yeah, I'm not trying to pin anything on it.

It sounds like you were trying to pin him on.

I think I've made my point about

Mr.

Steely Mimi.

Mr.

Howe, I'm going to fucking point at memes and say, look what I'm doing.

Cut your hair, hippie.

I have to.

I got to.

Yeah.

I don't like this situation

bothering me.

But luckily, yeah, it seems like things are getting bad across the board.

I think we really need to start bombing these fucking ice cream shops and bring back these fro-yo places that are now almost nowhere.

Used to be everywhere.

And now it's nowhere because of these fucking Baskin-Robbins.

Bomb it.

I was thinking about this.

This was a solution I had in my mind, which is sort of a solution to the Middle East crisis.

This will be the final?

No, I feel like if they had done that,

I feel if the British had just installed, if there was no state of Israel, there was just a kingdom of Israel.

and then you just pick some like Mizrahi king,

then there would be no problems in the Middle East.

That the mistake was trying to create like a fucking white democracy.

And we don't know what that is a respectable thing.

Right, exactly.

The same thing they did in fucking like Jordan and Iraq.

If you just had like some Yemeni guy that was the king of Israel.

And then the only thing they could do is like, let's try to get him to marry my daughter so we'll combine kingdoms.

Yeah, I mean, they basically, yeah, if they had done that, then it wouldn't have been.

And it's like, maybe it's like, is it too late for that now?

No, I don't think I'm going to do it.

You would have to kill all the white people.

It's only been about like 80 years.

Yeah.

It's really pretty early on.

I think you could do it.

If they found.

You wouldn't have to kill all the white people.

You'd just be like, they're second-class citizens here.

I think you would have to kill them.

I think you would have to kill all the white people.

You kill a couple.

You could prop up a couple already dead ones and say, we did that.

Yeah.

And then you just, you get, yeah, just some like retarded Arab Jewish guy.

And you're like, you're the king now.

Yeah, I'm the most inbred, so yeah, I can be a king.

Yeah, right.

And then you just give them a bunch of rubies and nice clothes.

You're like, how do you feel about Palestinians?

Like, I can't even spell it.

Right.

He's like, I don't know

what is that?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Can I have a Lamborghini?

Can I fuck my AIDS out of me?

Can I have a golden Lamborghini, please?

That's my favorite thing.

What's your take to the throne?

I have the Wan Wu-Tang album.

Like, Arabs just don't know how to spend money.

They just fucking, I mean, it's just the dumbest.

Let's put carpets on our car.

Yeah, that Saudi prince that fucking has to bring all of his golden cars to london every time he goes like the way like a four-year-old goes on vacation it's like i have to have all my stuffed animals with me i'm bringing my entire fleet of golden cars to london

whoa

yeah

yeah i don't know i don't know what's with there is there is there any way that things don't just get dramatically worse over the next six months It's going to get so much worse.

For the non-apolitical like me, for the apathetic, it's just going to be be like, I'm going to have to hear about this shit so much.

Yeah, but it'd be so annoying.

It will affect you in one way or the other.

But my

diving into it won't affect me.

Yeah.

Me getting involved in it won't affect me.

I mean, the rain affects me.

Well, that's the thing.

You don't bitch about the weather when you're not.

You don't have any control over anything.

That's the other.

That's the other thing.

Yeah, I do have control over the weather, actually.

It's a bad comparison.

They're doing that now, right?

Aren't they?

They're doing they're controlling the weather.

It's like there was some fucking because Bill Gates had a plan to...

What's that?

It's called cloud seeding.

Cloud Cloud seeding.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's different than cloud sourcing.

And then what what what's the point of that?

To make deserts into fucking

it's all gonna become another like Denver airport.

Yeah.

So where people can hide after what's going on with the Denver airport?

They put it on hold.

They're moving it to Albuquerque airport.

Are they?

What?

Yeah.

You know the whole...

You know the Denver airport?

I know that there's some kind of thing with like that it's just holding tanks and shit like that.

It's owned by the black Israelites, I think, is what it is.

Black Israelites are involved in the world.

Yeah, the black Israelites

yeah the denver airport so funny the black israelites like were the original jews like well where was this when the holocaust was happening yeah what are you sure were silent during that whole time when they were looking for jews to kill oh because well they're they're of the opinion that the jews that died in the holocaust are like khazarian converts that aren't actually jewish and that it was like a white on white crime kind of false flag thing but they're on the record with all of that because their response is always like the real holocaust is 400 years of slavery 400 years of slavery was the real Holocaust.

Yeah, yeah.

That's their opinion.

But it was funny.

I did see them out in front of bar clays like when things started popping off back in the fall.

Yeah.

And I was like, I wonder what their take is.

Because

I bet people are going to assume that they're pro-Palestine, but you really,

you don't know.

You don't know.

You don't know.

Not with them.

Because they're going to be like, no, no, we want to take over that.

Not the Palestinians.

They kind of just hate it.

I mean,

genuinely, there's very few groups of people I have genuine love for.

And they're up there.

The black Israelites.

Because they got an answer for everything.

They do.

They're like the QL men of their world.

No matter what it is, you can say anything, and a black Israelite will hit me with like, come.

Let me tell you something.

No matter what it is, it's fucking every bit.

The moon landing.

The moon is a black man.

It's just

all the time.

Anything you pick, anything, they have a fucking answer.

Yeah, they're not a lot of, like, let me look into that for you.

No idea.

We don't.

First time hearing about it, let me research it.

Come back here tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I think that's...

We probably should wrap it up here.

Wrap it up?

Oh, yeah.

It's already 12.30.

You got to.

Yeah, I got to go.

You got to go.

Thanks for joining us.

That was fun.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, yeah.

I wish I

will do some traveling.

I'll use.

Did you say I didn't invite you onto my bus?

You did not.

What do you mean?

I'm hanging out in Texas.

He's like, Keck, come on.

It's not that you didn't invite me on the bus.

You have a move-in, you have a vehicle that moves all around the city.

I get to Dallas.

Dude, you're not even driving it.

There's a guy that's paid to drive the bus.

I'm like, we're going to pick it up.

And I'm like, hey, I'm here.

Here's where I'm at.

And then you're like, okay, we're going to drive it to here and park it.

And I'm like, okay, well, I'm at the airport.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's pick you up at the airport.

We're doing it.

Yes, we have a bus with a driver.

No, he's got to take his nap.

It's not even like, oh, I don't want to sit in the car.

Your bedroom is moving.

That makes sense.

I know.

I just didn't want me to let you on.

No, no, no.

I was at some point I was expecting you to offer me a ride.

It's not a car.

It's a guy.

We got to fucking move around.

Then he's got to leave earlier.

We can't get to the next city.

That's not even close to.

You guys were sitting in that parking lot all afternoon.

He was let off.

He was in his hotel.

Motherfucker, if that's eight hours of mandatory sleep.

If I had a tour bus, I'd say we're picking up all my friends.

We're putting as much mileage on this thing as possible.

We're fucking.

Ari's what?

He's nine states away.

Let's get him.

Let's get him.

Let's go get Ari.

Let's fire him.

We're picking him up.

We're picking him up.

Get a fucking fucking uber over here yeah you're gonna earn i don't care what union you're in you're earning every fucking dollar of your hourly wage you're not gonna sit here reading archie comics or whatever the fuck i had a time machine i would go back i would find where your hotel is i would go there and i would roll the window down and go not invited and then keep going over to the fucking that's what i mean yeah and that's the thing to even try and frame it as oh you're saying i didn't invite you on the bus you know goddamn all i saw was people going why did you invite mullin under your bus i'm like what you know goddamn

i I said, let's go.

Meet us over here.

I don't know.

We're getting picked up.

We got to go to Walmart to fill up the fucking bus.

No, trying to gaslight me.

You thought it had been enough time that I had forgotten about it.

I brought it up.

You brought this up now, yeah, thinking, like, oh, yeah.

And right before we end, and what's this I hear about

you saying we didn't invite you, and I'm like, whoa, but you have to go.

Oh, well, I'm out of time, liar.

No,

no, no, no, no.

That's not going to work on me.

Not on my own show, the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

I'll tell you that.

Not on my show, the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

Is that going to happen, pal?

Yeah, no, I just want to be picked up on the tour bus.

That's it.

I wanted to be at the airport and have all of these stupid Arabs looking at me, thinking, like,

waiting for their rental Lamborghini, and they're like, oh, he's probably getting at most the Dodge Challenger upgrade.

I'm like, oh, sorry, there's a John Madden bus here for me.

Hey, I get in around 11:30.

I'm like, all right, sick.

So, in George,

your Enterprise Porsche.

We're going to fucking wait at the airport to come get you and see when your bags are there.

I would have waited for, I don't have bags.

I can't carry Brian.

Light.

What town was that even?

Charlotte.

It was Charlotte.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We had just picked up the bus there.

So he had to come get us in the suburbs and drive us to a Walmart to fill up and then get his mandatory turn.

No, it must have been Raleigh.

Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh.

It was Raleigh.

It was Raleigh.

And then then I stayed at like the A-loft right next to the hotel.

It was miserable.

That hotel is miserable.

I was genuinely happy.

I was like, oh, sick, come meet us.

That's awesome.

I was excited to hang out.

I just thought maybe I'd get a ride on the tour bus.

I even said, come in a day early.

You can stay at the fucking Airbnb with us.

But nothing about the tour bus.

Nothing about riding on the tour bus.

That way, I see, here's even that.

Now

you belie your underlying intentions.

Now we have a snapshot of seven months ago.

You're like, oh, fuck, Mullen's going to be in town.

He's going to want to ride on the tour bus.

Oh, I know.

I'll invite him a day early.

He can stay at the shitty Airbnb.

And that was.

Friendship obligation done.

Now it's like, well, you can't, come on.

You stayed at the Airbnb last night.

You can't come on the tour bus.

It's transparent the brokering you were doing in your own head where you say, oh, well, yeah, if I let him stay at the Airbnb, he's not even going to know about the tour bus until tomorrow.

We just want to tell him.

That's great, Jamar.

You got to get it.

You got to get out here.

We got the tour bus.

I'm like, well, can I get a rot?

No.

It's a four-stage.

You should have got it.

I told you we're only staying here one day.

You thought we were going to be out of town.

You didn't plan.

It's on your show.

I figured you got your show.

No, no, no.

I'm playing, forget 4D chess.

I'm playing 5D

tour bus games.

Fast and the Furious style.

All right.

Thank you so much.

This is a lot of fun.

I had fun podcasting.

We've been changing up.

Me and Adam never podcast with each other anymore, so it's like doing a new show every time.

Really?

Yeah.

Why don't you?

Because we have nothing to talk about anymore.

Oh, right.

Like, nothing podcast-wise.

Don't you both interview somebody else?

No, that doesn't really.

Yeah.

That doesn't really work.

He's in Vegas right now.

Good hookers.

No, well, he's from there.

His family's.

He's still a virgin.

Adam Frieland?

Yeah, he's still a virgin.

Yeah.

38 years old.

I don't think I've ever met that guy.

You've never met Adam?

I don't believe I have.

Really?

Yeah.

Possibly one passing handshake at a club.

Yeah, I guess he doesn't really go to the clubs or do anything.

It's a unique style of comic that way.

He's just a lazy guy.

Like sometimes I forget how lazy I am because he's

the person who's closest, yeah, in closest proximity to me.

There's like Kevin Ryan going, I'm not fat.

Yeah.

How can I be fat?

He looks like I fit in this one chair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

Thanks for coming.

I'll see you guys in Irvine, California.

Good night.com.