The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Jordan Jensen - Episode 44

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Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

Adam is out.

He is away at in,

I think, either Detroit or Boston.

If you're in Detroit or Boston, check the listings at your local

theater and see if Adam is there.

And then also check out Dan Soder's special on the road.

I invited him to come back because we had, he wanted to come on last week to promote, but the timing worked out.

He could only be on the Patreon episode at patreon.com slash T-A-F-S.

If you happen to be coming here because you saw Dan Soder's special and you're like, wow, I wonder if this guy's done anything else.

He has.

The only other thing he's done, in fact, is last week's premium episode of the Adam Friedland Show podcast, which you can go to patreon.com.

It's $25 a month.

It's nothing, basically.

That's less than, that's like a, that's less than car insurance, and you can get a single episode of a podcast.

So please check that out.

And then if it's the reverse, go see Dan, go check it out on the road, Dan Soda Special on YouTube.

I think it's blown up.

That's what I hear.

Is it?

I don't know.

I have to be kept off the internet now.

But with a handler?

Yeah, basically.

It's like the internet is is another cat that they've moved into the apartment.

And so now I have my own room.

I got my own litter box.

And I can smell it.

I know it's out there, and it's pissing me off.

Yeah.

But I can't see it, and I don't.

You stay off it.

You have somebody who does all of it.

Yeah, Kyla manages kind of everything for me.

What happens if you go on there?

I deleted Twitter.

It's just, it's like, it's such a fucking waste of time.

It's not even like it's...

It's like I, especially as I get older, it's like I have.

Every time I see you, you say, especially as I get older, and every time I see you you've moved into a further stage of grandpa the hat you have on now the beard well I am wearing these pants these were just in the office I'm wearing these because I got too fat for the pants that are probably on the floor

are you getting fat because you have I just I mean I'm always sort of kind of I stay within the same 10 pound window but it's like I get fat in a way that my pants just don't fit but it's like it takes it takes like the weight moves from my shoulders to just like my zipper area.

I wasn't talking about the furry pants.

I was talking about the sun hat in a dark, dark room.

That's what I was referring to.

Well, it was raining yesterday.

I don't know if it was going to rain again.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A rain hat.

And I'm trying to get the stopwatch going here so we know how long this episode goes.

So, yeah, Jordan Jensen joining us.

And I guess we'll get the, this is like the regular podcast.

Are there any plugs you want to get out of the way?

I'm going to be in.

We'll do them again at at the end, too.

Okay, I'm going to be in Sacramento coming up, Boston.

That's a shithole.

No.

Sacramento?

Sacramento is.

Yes.

But the punchline is.

I like it.

Oh, I've never been to that club.

But you know those.

You've done the Portland one, the Punchline Portland.

What's the one you did where you got the...

Is it the Helium?

The one with the big backdrop painted behind you?

Where is it?

That's Helium.

That is Helium?

Well, this is the Punchline.

I've done it before.

I do remember liking it.

It's Caitlin Plufo shot her special there.

Actually, you guys should all go check that out.

It's called Dirty Bird.

She's very funny.

Check out.

There are so many comedy specials now.

That's what I mean by God to stay offline.

I have a plug.

I'm about to drop something called the Death Chunk, and it's just 15 minutes of material all about my dad's death, wanting to kill myself.

It's just death.

It's all death.

It's not jokes I'm putting in the new hour that's coming out next year.

It's all just stuff that's morbid.

So if you're into that kind of shit, look out for that.

Subscribe to my YouTube for Death Chunk.

Okay, awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah,

there's so many.

YouTube is all stand-up comedy.

Now, you know, it's funny, and I'll plug this, and it's going to sound like I'm making fun of this lady.

And

I am.

But I'm also, I'm not.

It's like I genuinely...

The only goal of a comedian is to be funny.

Of course.

And I will say she accomplishes that.

But

when I was an Austin comedian, when I was

you know 1920 21

Seth Cockfield put me on to her but she's a Louisiana Louisiana comic the Cacaian queen of comedy Caroline Picard and I used to just get high and laugh because like she started standing up when she was 40 and so her stand-up was all just like shitting on young people

but like I there was one video I would watch I would go to her Facebook page and I would watch it Facebook page yeah at the time

at the time yeah and I would just get high and laugh because the premise of the the joke was like, she was also very foul-mouthed.

So it was like,

you know, she'd be like, talking about, I got an iPhone.

I'd like to see you use rotary dial, you fucking dumb bitch.

Fuck you.

Try to use a rotary dial phone, you fucking piece of bitch.

Your fingers can't even move in a certain point.

No no more, can they?

You probably wouldn't even know what to do, you fucking moron.

And it was just like this angry rant against me.

Try using a chisel.

Try using a chisel and a pickaxe.

i dare yeah i know it's yeah it just like it came across like nobody like there was no art like nobody was condescending towards you you just got angry at the iphone and now you're mad at children yeah that's like pre-crowd work rage without crowd and then she's doing well in the video but like uh yeah like cockfield would be like well look at this lady and he would shit on her and then i don't know the other night i was like i wonder what carol i wonder is she still alive because like you know she was and then she's blown up dude no way for shit yeah because she was like a cruise comedian But like, you know, there used to be like, you know, there was just that ecosystem.

Like, comedy is so big now.

But yeah, her, her fucking, like, she gets a lot of engagement on social media.

Arkiri was a cruise ship comedian.

Now he's the biggest comic in the world.

But I was watching it and I like legitimately, I mean, it is funny.

It's just like, she's a 75-year-old woman that's like, I mean, she's talking about like...

White or black?

I don't know.

She's Cajun, so it's like worse, both.

Yeah.

Worse.

Whatever, like, just like whatever.

There's like, I'm not going to say white and then black, but pick one.

You like more.

Black.

Worse.

Whatever.

It's worse.

One and two, I'm not, I got no input on what's, but three is Cajun.

Three is Cajun.

You had to rank the races.

Yeah.

So she's the third one.

And

but yeah, I mean, it's like a 73-year-old woman that's like, I fucking, I had to, I got to spray WD-40 in my pussy these days, you know.

Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah.

I'm close to that.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I mean, yeah,

it always made me chuckle, but I was looking for that rotary dial phone bit.

Because it's like that is such antiquated technology.

Even like fucking ten years ago, or whenever I'd watched that video, like who are these audience members that are like, yeah.

Yeah.

Thomas Edison's telephone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah.

I like when people get mad.

Nathan McIntosh gets flips out at the audience for the existence of AI.

And I like watching that because nobody's fighting him on it at all, but he is losing his mind.

It's the best.

He's super funny.

Oh, he is funny, yeah.

I love meltdowns.

I love a good just.

But he's always kind of meltdown.

That's just like, that's always.

Where you go there?

You would go into Carolines and you would like hear like, and that's the world we're living in.

That's what it is.

Okay, fine by me.

No problem.

And then you go in the showroom and there's no one in the audience.

He's on stage.

He's just like, it's just Wednesday.

It's just one child just getting hit with the wind.

Yeah,

just some fucking,

some kid with a learning disability waiting for the YouTuber if it's headlining that night.

I'm here to see Upbeat Mike.

Have you ever opened for a YouTuber?

I've opened for a YouTuber.

I am a YouTuber.

Well, no, that's what I say.

It's like crazy.

I go do stand-up now, and I remember I tell these young guys.

When I'm giving unsolicited advice in the green room, I've turned into like a freak.

I can't imagine what it's like to be with me in a green room.

If you're like a 23-year-old comic, and then this

weird rat man comes in and you're like, yeah, he has a podcast called Come Shit or something.

I don't know.

And then, and then I go bomb.

You do well, and then I bomb after you.

And then I'm like, I'm like, is there a good place to get rice around here?

Whatever insane, I'm high on Kratom.

You just have to deal with that.

And then you go to the bar where the local comics hang out with.

They're like, how's that?

And you're like, I don't know.

It's bad.

I don't know.

He kept demanding bomb bombu

i feel like i should be able to me to him for what's happening but it doesn't translate i can't be like yeah he was just he kept retying his shoes is that sexual assault i don't know what it just feels bad at being around him but anyways

you know i'd feel like that it's like when i was i remember being a young comic and there would be you know and they'd be like nice guys but you'd be working with headliners who were just like la guys that got on it they were actors mostly and they got on a sitcom or something you know and they've been and then they're like okay I want to headline also and because they were on a sitcom yeah they go headline then they wouldn't have an act I mean it would just be dog shit and then you know you'd like thumb your nose at it you're like yeah fucking bits and doing sets and grinding and being a comedian and then

do you have meltdowns after you bomb or do you just watch

Walk off.

No, well, I do the, I'll go, I just go, no matter what happens, I'll go outside and I'll be like, yeah, if you want to come say hi and there's always like there's it'll probably dry up eventually But there's always like you know guys that like the podcast that have been waiting for years to just repeat things from the podcast to me.

Yeah, and then I'll just I'll be like hey, how's it going?

What do they look like?

I get some I get mullen fans.

Yeah, cross it's you can tell mullen fans are like small

small Jewish Jewish smart, but then they have like a little sinister thing being Ian people are like

gored coming out and they're like you make me feel like I'm a person.

And I'm like, I don't think you should feel that way.

Yeah.

Well, to answer your question, no matter what, I mean, I really, it's like, I could just go do the, just say hi to people because there's no pressure.

It's like the easiest thing in the world.

And then people come up to me.

They're like, I bet you hate this.

I'm like, no, this is the best part.

Well, you were the one who changed me because I never did meet and greets.

And you, who you could hit with a prick in the face and you'd be like, It's fine.

You were like, I do meet and greets.

And I was like, no way that you, of all people, do them.

So then I started doing them.

And it is the best part.

It rules.

It is the reason.

I don't do anything.

It's like the easiest thing in the world.

That's what I would do.

It's like saying hi to people at a wedding.

It's great.

Yeah.

It's great.

It's not like saying hi to people at the moment.

It's like when the wedding leaves at the end, it's like good game, good game, good game, good game.

It's like that.

It's quick and dirty.

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Do you have a person that keeps them going?

No, I don't do that.

Sometimes a club will do that.

You need to keep them going.

Don't you have people walk up to you and they go like this?

This is my least favorite thing.

dude this just happened I was in Columbus and and I hadn't been on the road in a while so I was like talking to people after the show and the like the the last show now I'm imagining you at a wedding with just the rice being thrown during

the last show like I went on like there was one night where like I've it like because I didn't pay attention to time but I was talking like like the line took an hour and 45 minutes after the show yeah to like get through everything oh yeah you texted me about that yeah yeah I didn't think about it and then I'm like Jesus Christ and then I guess that, because it's annoying for the weight staff.

The weight staff doesn't want to have to fucking wait around for that.

And like, I think other times they can cut you loose, but

I don't even know.

I mean, I feel, anyways, you pull part of your pay for the weight staff.

So you distribute it.

And then it's.

You do that, right?

You just say take down this.

I don't want to get it.

I don't want to be like, and then I pay them X amount.

Yeah.

But the fucking, so like, there's a total of, like, there's per fucking weights, you know, like, hey, pull X for each, you know.

Like, wait,

every wait staff that worked this weekend, pull X amount of money for each one of them.

Yeah.

The manager misunderstood me and thought the per waiter amount was the total amount to take.

Total like $5.

So everyone got a tip of like a dollar from me.

And then he went around.

I'm assuming that, yeah, he went around and he's like, hey, this is from, I mean, it's like a grandpa's number.

And then afterwards, it's like, I like, like, it looked like one of them was like just shooting daggers at me.

And I'm like, what the like what's I guess it's because I thought because the line like took too long and then I realized afterwards when I got the settlement, I'm like, oh

just like a quarter was distributed to everyone.

Yeah, a little tupped.

In my name.

Yeah, right.

That's so.

I have people come up and they go like this.

They think they're being cool because they're like, I don't want a photo.

Yeah.

And then they just stand and they're like, just stand there in front of you.

And you're like, this is...

way worse.

We need something to do here.

And they're like, I just wanted to I just want to say hi.

And I'm like, I don't, I can't.

And then they just stare for a while and you have no way of getting out of it because you can't be like,

no, most people are normal.

Okay, I mean, you know, no, you don't.

The BNIN people are,

they are bottom, they are basement dwellers.

They do not come above ground except for to go to a podcast.

Sometimes people are like very drunk.

And then

I have sympathy for that because I've been drunk, you know, so like I get it, but it is like.

Yeah.

I am grateful every time there's a Cometown fan in the BEN fans.

Anytime I'm talking to somebody really drunk, I'm always thinking about like, how can I talk to you tomorrow morning?

You know, you're thinking about like, you're going to wake up and you're going to be humiliated.

I do that too.

What can I say now so that tomorrow you're like, oh, it wasn't that bad.

Especially with women.

Women come up and they're like, you're fine.

And I have a Down syndrome baby and it's totally fine that you make fun of him.

And I just want you to know I love him.

I wish I didn't have him.

And you're like, don't do this.

Don't say that.

Did happen.

I definitely resisted the urge to do do matching

like i'll go like i'll sometimes i'll be like i gotta buy a shirt i'm like should i buy the same pair that the accompanying pair of pants i only go to dick sporting goods oh gotcha yeah and i was a big for me to buy green pants and a white shirt and i did that like two weekends ago instead of a white shirt and white pants or green top green bottom i bought the i don't know how your brain works i never walk into a store and see two matching things i resisted the urge to do that

wait Wait, where are you getting matching pants?

Dick sporting goods.

Like sweatpants?

Like literally, I mean, you know, I have the top to this track suit in the back.

Yeah.

But yes, matching hoodie and sweatpants.

Do you wear that?

You wear that on stage?

I did.

Yeah.

But I did white top, green bottom, and I'm like, good for me.

And then somebody told me I look like Peter Griffin.

And then I was like, all right, well, maybe I should have matched then.

I didn't know you wear full matching sweatsuits.

I prefer to, yeah.

Why not?

They're the same colour.

It's like what goes with green?

Well, probably green.

Probably the same green made from the same factory out of the same piece of cloth.

Probably that.

Why not?

That's what I do.

I just get the same exact same.

So that's how it is.

I am with everything.

I can't do the same thing over and over.

I feel like I'm going to, I feel like I'm.

I feel like I just feel sick all the time, so I'd prefer to be comfortable.

Why are we sick all the time?

You're the only person I know who gets sick like me.

Yeah, but the respiratory stuff went away.

Since I got my fucking,

which the surgery failed, but they did have to do like a bunch of cleaning and stuff, and my gum's not bleeding anymore.

What is that from?

What?

Gum recession?

Yeah.

I think I've already discussed this on the show multiple times.

So

I don't want to bore

the people who see it.

How's it doing now?

What's that?

How's it doing now?

It's fucked up.

It's still receded.

It's the where, where, where it was.

Okay.

You know, but it's not, like, it was.

inflamed and bleeding.

And I probably could have just gotten it like

they're gonna have to repeat the they're gonna do the surgery again in like two months and what like activate it activate the

no they'll do like it'll be slightly different because they did the graft but it didn't get any root coverage and then most of the donor tissue died just slap a zin on it

just put a little zen down there yeah i really don't uh

i really don't know what um

what to do because I was already brushing and flossing and it would still get infected.

I'm convinced that the flossing is a myth.

I mean flossing is good, but how much they want you to do it?

Crazy.

I think you do need to do it.

Because like, do you ever like just floss?

Like, if you don't floss regularly, you'll floss, and stuff will come out of there, and you'll be like, oh, that's from breakfast.

No, it's from six months ago.

Yeah, but twice a day is just slamming them up.

I think you're only supposed to do once a day.

Okay.

And you're supposed to floss gently.

You shouldn't like fuck your gums up.

Because a lot of people, their gum recession is caused by brushing too hard.

I'm about to get invisaligned, so I'm going to have it.

I'm going to talk like this.

That might cause gum recession.

They're giving it to me because of gum recession because this is sunken in, so I look like a

white trash.

Go see a periodontis and not an orthodontist.

What's a periodontis?

A periodontis is a gum doctor.

The dentist does the teeth.

The periodontis does the gums.

The orthodontist changes the shape of your teeth.

Imagine being a gum doctor.

Imagine going to school for just the gums.

Well, it's the other way.

You start like the dentists go to school for just the teeth.

And then if you go to to additional school you can do the gums and the teeth.

And they're specialized and they get a lot of money?

Yeah, I think you make a little bit more money.

Yeah, because they do a lot of surgeries and stuff.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

The anesthesiologist is the one that's the best.

The guy who just comes in like drives into the hospital.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah.

Drives into the hospital in a race car.

A mad hatter.

If I was an anesthesiologist, I would wear a top hat.

Yeah.

Like the big kind of good stuff.

Yeah, but what they do is they wear like full patagonia.

Two-year doctor's appointment with like a watch and like, what's up?

And then then

they leave and they take all your money.

Yeah, it's because they need a guy to be responsible if things get fucked up.

I don't think he's responsible.

I think he's drunk a lot of the times.

He's just like a bro.

Yeah, he looks like a finance kid.

Wasn't that an episode of House?

A drunk anesthesiologist.

Anesthesiologist, they figured it out.

It was like, oh, it was the anesthesiologist that killed him.

That was probably a pretty lazy episode of House.

Yeah.

Or what am I thinking of?

Monk.

Remember Monk?

Yeah.

That was a good one.

And he was like,

he was like mentally, like, he was like...

a problem.

Yeah.

Why do you keep looking at that?

Do you have news to read?

We do.

We have, we have, today's episode is sponsored by our good friends over at Lucy.

Lucy is,

you pack a lip.

You pack a lip of Lucy.

It's it's a tobacco-free nicotine

product.

And this one is, now we had it, we had they make gum, they make the pouches, and then they make a thing called breakers which is a pouch that it has an additional little like thing in that you can bite and it releases a secondary flavor so similar to i don't know if it doesn't say that you can't say camel crush but that's like sort of the same idea

it crushes in your gum uh no no you just bite the patch packet i'm gonna get into dipping are you well you should get into loosey because there's no tobacco which means that it doesn't can i say this cause cancer.

I don't see that, yeah.

Meanwhile, your face is falling off.

Meanwhile, your gum is sliding off your face.

Like, take loose.

Well, it's not from this shit.

I don't, you know.

I can see this.

Yeah.

It's good.

You can try it.

It's difficult to open because it looks like, here, let me show you something.

I see, I see, I see.

No, no.

That's where you put the spent ones.

It took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to open this thing.

We had a lot more.

We had the gum.

When we do the reeds, usually I just have the gum.

The gum I like, that's fine.

I don't like putting something in my lip.

Even though it is just nicotine, it does still feel like

naughty.

You know what I mean?

You're not vaping anymore?

Nope.

Here's my question.

No, I quit in October.

How'd you do that?

I just stopped.

I mean, that's the thing with any kind of like, there's no trick to quitting any substance.

You just do it and then it sucks for the rest of your life you know it'll suck maybe a little bit less but you're do you feel better no you don't no i don't feel better being sober i don't feel as bad as i did when i was hungover but i mean uh

you know i i don't know i mean i'm just like i've what about the vegan thing uh what about it did you give it up yeah a while ago how do you which felt better vegan or not vegan i i cannot tell the difference really

yeah i have no i don't i don't think i'm real.

I don't think I'm fucking.

I think I'm like, there's like a simulation happening somewhere.

The matching sweatpants.

I didn't think that until the matching sweatpants.

Also, the one time that I was telling you about something synchronistic that happened, and you were like, that shit just hits me like a wave, like nine times a day.

What do you mean?

Like, I was telling you about some weird...

synchronicity that was happening out there and you were like yeah that's just my life 100 of the time and i was like oh maybe you are the simulation okay so lucy is intelligent nicotine and i

there's a way to do this let me try let me try yeah so this part on the top, that's where you put the spent ones.

Which is good.

Which, probably one of the grossest things, and this is a piece of hot gossip, exclusive to this Lucy Ad read.

Years and years ago when Kurt and Sherrod had that show on Sirius, I would go hang out with them and I wound up at a bar with them and Ann Coulter.

And Ann Coulter puts her chewed-up gum back in the package and folds the tinfoil.

Okay, I have to tell you something.

Yeah.

I do that.

Okay.

Well, you're a fucking freak.

Where are we supposed to put put it?

There's still the tinfoil in there.

You wrap it up anyway.

I'm not going to throw in the street.

It'll get stuck in somebody's shoe.

I'm going to put it back in the thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

I do that.

I'm imagining that she's saving it for later.

I don't think anything

and Coulter is not like, oh,

but somebody's shoe.

Anyways, fuck Mexicans.

You know what I mean?

It's like there's no, she doesn't, she's not.

She's not saving it like a Jew.

She's not doing that.

She's not squirreling it away.

But first of all, I didn't say like a Jew.

Sorry.

So we said turn it into an anti-Semitic thing.

But she's not not

saving money.

You know?

Just accusing somebody of anti-Semitism for making a comment on anyone being cheap.

That's pretty, whoa,

easy there, Mr.

Holocaust.

My dad used to do like this with his gum, roll it up into a ball with his hands and it would get covered in dirt and then he'd put it right on the dashboard.

Who would do that?

My father.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

He would just roll up his gum.

It was everywhere.

Little balls everywhere.

Cigarette butts and little balls of gum.

Dude, that's insane.

It's insane disgusting yeah

i like to keep them just right in my right as right on the anus tip of the anus yeah yeah yeah because they they kind of it plugs in there and they sort of kind of look the same chewed up gum and

um yeah so anyways they got the breakers which are nicotine pouches with a tiny capsule inside the capsule contains a liquid flavor that saturates the pouch before it's even in use you break it with your teeth get it situated and boom instant nicotine release whenever you need it so it doesn't

i guess it, yeah, it's not only is it, does it change the flavor a little bit or make it more intense, the breakers, but it gives you the nicotine bump rate when you need it.

So

Lucy is made for your nicotine routine and delivered straight at your door.

It's 100% pure nicotine, always tobacco-free.

I said, they've got pouches, breakers, or gum.

You can get it through 2 milligrams to 12 milligrams.

And I recommend starting at the bottom because when they...

12?

Well, when they sent it to us, I was like, yeah, give us the fucking 12 let's try it you know you have to you have to take the sticky off yeah that's nuts 12 is you got to be you got I think if you're taking 12 milligrams you're like an offshore like

eight milligrams yeah I can't do that I'm gonna throw up yeah so that's what I mean start with the two

four to eight is more likely to satisfy you if you have an everyday nicotine routine twelve might be for you if you've been underwhelmed by the effects of other nicotine pouches and and what that means is, yeah, you're in a white supremacist prison gang.

Yeah.

And you need to be awake

probably 22 hours a day.

Yeah.

You know, because you

robbed trucks or something.

I don't know who 12 milligrams is for.

Meth.

But they have it.

That's an option available for you.

If you're a normal person, four to two milligrams, probably.

Two to six.

Let's say that.

Save yourself the weekly gas station stop and sign up for a monthly subscription.

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And I love that.

I love that everything's a subscription now.

There's a heartbeat in my gum where it's happening.

Yeah.

Well, that's probably just from the pressure.

That means your body loves.

It feels like it's cattle burning.

Your body's like, oh, wow, this is good.

It's really.

The heartbeat.

I have eight milligrams of this.

Look, the heartbeat is, that's like the, that's power.

You know, that's a good thing.

That's love.

considerations slash ideas slash prompts what is your favorite lucy flavor apple that yeah apple apple is a good one um i already said what strength i prefer the normal people ones you know two to six not to discriminate against anybody that might need 12 millivolts not to discriminate anybody on loads of method apparently um when do you throw in your lucy it helps with uh going to the mall yeah creative stuff when you're trying to pick out an outfit and you don't want to match.

Find your car.

Yeah.

Midday slump at the golf course, post-coffee.

Now, midday slump, that is certainly something I can relate to.

I'm good in between the hours of 4 a.m.

and 9 a.m.

I got a dog, so I've been napping.

Yeah.

I'm all about the nap now.

Why do you need a dog?

Oh, get a dog to sleep on you.

We're napping.

Napping's hard to do.

Yeah.

You have all the coffee?

I nap all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

You look like you're napping sometimes when you're awake.

Well,

it's funny.

A lot of people, their perception of this podcast is that it's like,

and what's actually happened is I asked repeatedly, can we just do the podcast at 9 a.m.?

Can we get it out of the way at 9 a.m.?

There's a bunch of other shit to do.

We can get it done at 9 a.m.

And it is impossible to get Adam to adhere to that schedule for more than a week.

It doesn't happen.

It just won't happen.

Oh, so then you're sleepy.

This gets recorded in the afternoon every time.

And I just, I'm not an afternoon guy.

I'm not.

I've never been.

Did you record come down in the mornings?

No.

Late at night or late at night you probably have a resurgence.

Oh yeah, because it's like doing stand-up.

We would do it at night.

Night is the best.

Yeah, I can't,

this time, the problem with this time is I'll come in here and it'll be three, daylight outside, and when I leave, it'll be dark.

Brutal.

Especially early on, too, because I still had a job.

So I would do it like, yeah, after work or something.

And it was fun.

You know, hang out with friends after work.

You're 26.

Yeah.

You're making money for the first time in your life.

You know?

now you're old now you're old now you're fucking old and you're losing 3 p.m you need a nap you're a loser and you barely you made some money but you you would have the same amount if you had just had a regular job for the last 15 years yeah you probably have a family also yeah maybe a family yeah instead of the HIV virus

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The berry citrus is juicy as heck.

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It's like an orgasm in my mouth.

So each one of these gets progressively more

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Yeah.

Thank you, Lucy.

Weird to say juicy as heck, but then also say orgasm.

Juicy as heck, like a fucking pussy that I'm slamming my dick into.

It's super juicy, if you know what I mean.

It makes me feel like I'm nutting inside of a woman's vagina.

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But yeah, I don't know.

I like them.

I've used them around the office when there's

maybe some little bit of work to do, some emails to send off, begging the bank for

money to try and

okay

and we're back

we're back we're back uh

are you bouncing cameras back there he is wow you know you know it's a big weekend yeah kung fu panda 4

the rest of the no it's five it's got to be five is it four yeah it's kung fu panda four We're getting it going now.

Jack Black, friend of the show.

Is it?

Sort of, I guess, kind of.

He listens to it?

He follows Adam.

Wow.

And then we DM'd him, and I don't think he...

Adam, he may have responded to Adam.

Nobody talks to me.

They can't.

Why?

Because you're not on the...

You're locked in a kitty cat room.

Now, now I am.

Well.

But they don't know that.

You don't know?

Is Kayla telling what's her name?

Uh, Kyla.

Kyla, is she telling you what's up?

Do you think there's gonna be more more variations on the name like Kayla Kyla Kyra Kira

like what they've done with Caitlin in the last 20 years it's crazy some of them like the the fucking like like the wagon wheel families you know what I mean like the Nicholas Sparks cover wagon wheel family what they've done with Caitlin yeah totally k-h-e-i-g-h-t yeah l-y-o-u-n-n well what about Ashley I was thinking about how Siri is very racist because when Ismail would call me, Ismail Luffy, it would be like, if if a girl named Ashley with like 12 Gs would call, I'd be like, Ashley's calling, and Ismail would be like,

is calling you.

But it could say Ashley with three G's in it.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Siri?

Who?

Where is Ishmael?

You know what?

Whoa.

Who's Ishmael?

See?

No, it's not.

Like, if it calls, like, if it's like, if my friend Ishmael calls.

You need to unlock your iPhone first.

Christ.

If you, shut up, you dumb slut.

If Ishmael calls, it's like it can't say his name.

It's like

is calling.

If Siri does?

Yeah, it can't pronounce it.

But if a woman named Ashley with three Gs and an H and a Y calls, it's like, Ashley is calling.

Yeah.

You know?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I haven't had any kind of...

chance to test that out because I don't know a bunch of weird fucked up and I also don't have Siri announcing phone calls.

Yeah, I do.

Adam is the only one that calls me.

He calls me six or seven times a day.

Yeah.

And if I don't answer, he'll just start texting me question marks.

Oh, yeah.

You love the, how about the question mark on the thing that's this?

Maybe 10% of the time does he actually have information that needs to be relayed.

He'll call me.

10 is high.

Ian?

Wow.

What, Ian does?

The information that I actually need to get from Ian.

So what Ian does is he likes to do a debrief before I have to leave.

So he'll do a full debrief and then he'll be like, all right, I'm getting a new.

And he'll be like, all right, just to recap one more time.

And I don't know if you've ever felt that level of suffocation before.

We got to get those two.

We got to get those two to team up.

That would be, it would be insane.

Adam would tranquilize Ian immediately.

What do you mean?

He, I mean, when he was in here without you, he was ripping the chair apart.

He was.

I did not see any of that, but yes.

It was a babysitter type feeling.

Ian's been here multiple times when I haven't been here and I've requested that he doesn't smoke in our studio.

Does he?

He does.

He insists on smoking cigarettes in here.

It's a substitute teacher when Adam is here.

And it's not like a smell thing.

It's like we've got a bunch of expensive equipment.

Yeah.

It's also like a fire house.

I don't want you smoking cigarettes in here.

And he's decided that he can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I've asked Adam.

He's like, I tried to get him to stop, but he won't listen to me.

It is.

It is.

When you're not here, it is like a substitute teacher.

It is like they're rolling in the TV for the kids to watch a movie, and then you just...

Land before time land before time we should just start airing the land before time instead of doing the podcast I think so how often are you doing this every week twice a week no still

twice a week yeah where does the other one go on patreon.com slash t-a-f-s

five dollars a month I thought it was twenty five dollars a month twenty five dollars a month for the low price of twenty five dollars a month

I'm just, I'm still hoping.

Like, you know what would be great?

Yeah, what do you want?

One subscribe, one subscriber.

Just a rich, like a pig, a cartoon pig wearing a top hat.

Yeah.

Who pays us $250,000 a month?

What's the highest you have?

What?

What's the highest you have?

Donation?

Yeah.

I don't fucking know.

I haven't checked in forever.

I don't know.

So

why don't you shut it all down?

This can't last.

Why do you want it to keep?

Why is it still going?

Because I need the money.

Okay.

This can't like, this can't be,

it can't hit 10 years.

All you have to do is say racist stuff and then it'll go up.

You just have to do that.

That's the whole trick.

I don't want it.

It's not about it going up.

But you can skyrocket it up, say the N-word.

You'll get all of the

HI money.

You know what?

I'm very lucky.

I got a nice life.

I'm happy about it.

I feel grateful.

We got Kung Fu Panda 4 in the pipeline, coming out tomorrow.

Is your cat still alive?

Yes.

That's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do we just can I say that you have a girlfriend?

Sure, yeah.

Did she have did she name the cat yet?

No woman can live with an unnamed cat.

The cat, like,

you know, I don't know if you've spent a lot of time around that cat, but

her

her

personality doesn't warrant one name, I feel.

Okay.

You know, other cats, I have no problem.

You could give them a name, but she's just, she's kind of just so nebulous in her.

Yeah.

And

yeah, she's like a little rat,

like, she's ratty and like sneaky, but also dumb.

And it's like, you know, it's like her personality.

So you have a million names for her.

You're not just calling her cat.

No, yeah, right.

Yeah.

All right, that's good.

The cat, yeah.

There's just, it's, mostly, I look at the cat and I go, who do you think you are?

Yeah.

Who just, who the hell do you think you are?

What a crazy life if you if you did the the John Malkovich's body tube and woke up and you were Nick Mullen's cat.

Wow.

But the reality is that the cat doesn't think anything.

It's sitting there and it's just, there's nothing.

It's just drooling.

Yeah.

Oh, you have a drooling cat where you pet it in drools.

Well, she doesn't have any teeth.

Really?

Yeah, she's never had anything.

When I first got the cat, I took it to the vet and it was improved.

What?

That's disgusting.

Sorry.

No.

I'm just trying to get your numbers up here.

Is that so you can fuck your cat's face?

I hate this business.

I know, dude.

I know.

It's really fucked up.

I realized the other day when Joe List had Sam

Harris on his podcast, and I was like, I can't do this.

I can't be in this basement.

I can't do it.

I can't have the slide whistles.

I can't.

I flipped out.

I had a nervous breakdown.

Somebody yelled in the audience, Mary Ian, and I flipped out at them.

Mary.

Oh, no, he goes, oh my God, dude.

Can you imagine how fucking awful?

Do you know how often I get that?

Can you imagine how fucking awful of a life that was...

For both him and I.

For both of them, forever.

For fucking, I would, I would be, even if I had forgotten about it.

You're a cat.

20 years from now, let's say I fucking, I get lucky, right?

Yeah.

Somehow, $20 million windfall, and then I just walk away.

No one ever hears from me again.

I'm living in Woodstock.

I got a house, I got a home, gym, I got a little studio, maybe I'm into painting.

I don't know.

I have my projects.

I take care of animals.

I got nothing.

I have no public involvement whatsoever.

And I'm 55 years old.

And then I'm like, oh, right.

Oh, God.

They just live together.

And they fucking, they have to podcast.

They wake up in the same bed.

That's all people want.

Dude, they yell that out at me.

I might literally throw up at the idea.

Do you know?

I ran into a woman today and said, where do you and Ian live?

And I was like, don't do this.

And she's like, what?

And I was like, you know, don't do this.

Marry Ian.

That's so disgusting.

That's worse than implying I fuck my cat's mouth.

I think so.

I mean, I know.

That's why I had a nervous breakdown.

I was like, I can't do that.

Not because, but because I was getting people yelling stuff out like that or yelling stuff out like that.

I don't even want to think about you and Ian like holding hands.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I know.

Yeah.

I'm glad that you feel that way because a lot of people are like, come on.

Go.

Shut up.

That's such a distorted view of the world.

Because you and Ian are people that are brought together by economic necessity.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's like it's a commentary on just how badly

this experiment of how we've structured society has fucked up.

Now there's two people that can barely pay their rent

in a city that's just this bloated nightmare

by having mental illness at each other.

and then you you see that and you're like together forever that's love yeah you know that's the human emotion love

i think it's just that there's turmoil and people have turmoil and they're they hate their spouse so they see me and ian screaming at each other and they're like see honey that is love they're on the tv yeah yeah i think that's what it is no yeah no it needs to be i think the indians figured it out it was arranged Yeah.

Dude, it is arranged.

I talked to an Indian lady about this, and she was like, it's the best.

I just have to spend my life figuring out how to love my husband as opposed to a million, figuring out how to love a million other people, which makes sense.

Just one guy.

You're like, all right, let's make it work.

Yeah.

I mean, I went on a date recently with a guy.

First of all, the autism is out of control out there.

out of control on the dating apps.

They're all autistic.

I don't, because that's the thing is like, and I don't think I've ever maybe I've joked about it once or twice But like like there's people that'll seriously treat me like I'm autistic

I'm not autistic

I'm not even yeah, it's just I mean talk like that with the breath

I'm just like

I'm just not particularly charismatic.

I'm not autistic.

I'm just maybe I'm a little bit rude But there's nothing autistic about me.

And now it's become a thing where people were ironically leaning into being autistic to now I feel like everyone everyone just thinks they actually have autism.

But that's the problem.

Girls do it now.

Because now real autistic people are coming out into the world because, you know, hot guys are like, I'm autistic.

And they're like, me too.

And then those guys are being like, I'm a person.

And they're getting on the dating apps.

And then you have to go out with them.

And they're actually like autistic, you know,

picking their nose and eating.

Yeah.

But Adam does that.

And he's not.

That's insane.

He picks his nose and eats it.

And then, but he's not,

I wouldn't say he's autistic.

No, he's not autistic.

He probably has better social skills than most comedians.

Totally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He has non-comic friends.

That's good.

You're not autistic.

You're just, your brain is moving too fast so that when somebody's talking to you, you just have to check out because there's a thousand things.

No, I'm just a rude person.

No way.

I've said things and you have a rebuttal for it before I've even finished the sentence.

The gears are going very, very quickly.

I'm just yes and I don't think I'm rebutting.

No, no.

Dude, I'm just imagining you and Ian as the...

Don't.

As the, like, in Beetlejuice when they see themselves dead in the

wedding.

In the fucking...

And they're like, oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Together forever.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

That's how it feels.

I mean...

It's like, it's as revolting as the idea of like

imagine like imagine letting the dishes just sit.

Imagine you made your own own like French onion soup and then fucking like let the pot soak Yeah, and then left the sponge in the sink soaking that up and then put the smell put the sponge in your mouth and like sucked all of the dishwater out.

Yeah, that's the same that viscerally my sister made me drink a cup of dish dish drained gunk after watching the dishes.

I drank it.

I was a fat fuck.

She was like it's chocolate milk.

Look drank it.

Yeah.

It was really bad.

The smell of sponge I think might be my least favorite.

I think that's besides that and Subway, I think not like Subway, the sandwich place.

I think those are the two worst smells in the world.

Sponge, Subway.

I was just recently telling somebody a story about being in a movie theater one time that I guess was right next to a Subway sandwich place.

And so you could smell Subway the entire...

What is that smell?

Sweet meat?

I don't know.

Yeast, maybe?

It's not yeast.

They don't use yeast.

That's packing material.

No, they have to, I think the bread comes like, and it needs to be proofed.

Really?

Yeah.

It looks like a turd.

You You ever see it?

They got trays of it in the back.

And they're like, look, it's fresh.

And it's like,

then I don't want fresh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me old.

It's bad.

Yeah.

But there's something about it.

There's a six, it's like a 99 cent city smell.

It's like plastic being burnt slightly.

It's bad.

Yeah.

But yeah, that is, I agree.

And that's not to say I love Ian, I love Ian, but us being together makes me, it makes me feel so alienated from everybody on the planet that one person would be like, you guys should get married.

You know what I mean?

It's such a poor read too yeah on like what a dynamic is yeah you know what I mean yeah it's like uh

it's just man woman gay gay gay yeah right yeah that's it

yeah right

today's episode is also brought to you by my bookie our good friends of my bookie we've been doing business with them for years thank you my bookie for your continued support of the Adam Friedland show

can this can I can this just be on PBS can I just get money from PBS and we could have a PBS show and I don't have to deal with like it could just be, that's what I want.

And then it's just, we'll dim the lights a little bit more.

I'll talk quieter.

I'll still say all the stuff, but I'll talk quieter.

How much money do you need?

You don't need that much money.

How much money do I need?

Yeah.

There's an exact number and I can tell you after.

Really?

To know that I won't end up like that my

the people I care about are taken care of and I am too.

Yeah, I have it, yeah.

An exact number.

Yes.

They're trying to get to, and then you'll go to what's 10 years away from it.

Wow.

Yeah.

You got to

do something.

I know.

How do you get, how do you expedite that?

I don't know.

But everyone, it feels like every, I think everybody can feel it.

There's a moment right now, this is a do or die year for everybody, not just me.

Yeah.

If you at home, if you work at Taco Bell,

JFL went under?

Yes.

Which good.

And you know why it went under?

Why?

Because they fucking blew all the money like catering to the Quebecois How because every fucking year at JFL they have to blow all these resources on like because all these French fucking idiots are like Where is the ma'am?

We need to have a mom show.

Have you ever seen any what they're local shows that they have to fucking put on they have to like like they have to cater to the what's a mom?

Mime.

Oh, where is the mime?

Yeah.

Yeah, like the the the giant party.

The French Canadians have such like a dog shit idea of entertainment.

And then they put on...

Do you think they think they're really French, like French, French?

They do, yeah.

I mean, it's like their own culture, but like if you look at the shows they put on, I mean, it literally is.

It's like a half-naked clown walking on a tightrope.

Oh, wow.

It's bullshit.

It's garbage.

JFL does that?

Yes.

They have to do that stuff.

And my theory is, I don't know anything about the financials, but they blew too much money on that.

On the mimes.

Yeah, on mimes.

On catering to

their version of Cajun people.

I don't know what they did.

I don't know how you could lose money.

I mean, you have, I don't know, there's literally a festival that like some retailers.

Well, they're certainly not paying the comedians.

I mean, that's.

That's what I mean.

They don't pay them.

I got bed bugs the one year I was there.

Yeah.

It's like, it's dog shit.

And also, it's like people, everybody will do it because they want the credit.

So then where is the money going?

I, yeah, that, that was,

the year I did it was probably, I think, the worst year ever.

Also, you can't fire Jeff Singer and then immediately go out of business.

That's so fucked up.

It is fucked up.

You can't be like, this guy is a rapist, racist, or whatever the fuck he was, and then just immediately plummet.

That sucks.

Yeah,

he was holding the whole office.

Holding it all under his little fedora fit video.

What's he doing now?

No idea.

I always thought he was a nice guy.

It's a shame he raped all those people.

I know.

What happened exactly?

No.

Did he do that?

I thought he said the N-word.

Oh, okay.

But he did call me when I got into JFL and did this.

He was like, hey, I just want you to know, like, we're going to keep our eye on you.

Like, we think you're really good.

and we're going to keep our eye on you.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

And he was like, because you're coming to JFL.

And I almost was like, I don't want to be an idol.

Yeah.

Crazy.

Yes.

Yeah.

It almost made me feel like it.

And you know what?

It's funny.

You know who loves doing that?

Is

like

loser guys that turn like they're in their late 50s and then they start thinking they can trick people into assuming they were in the military.

They don't even have the confidence to like steal valor.

They'll just like wear a hat for a ship

oh yeah yeah you know the guys or they'll use the nato alphabet

like they'll just use the nato alphabet and then hope that you're like oh this guy was uh where have you seen this what where have you seen this seen these guys yeah i used to be exposed to them all the time really yeah i knew one when i worked in at a car dealership but um they love doing and they do it in restaurants i'm gonna be honest even if i see somebody with military time i'm upset i don't believe you yeah no so this guy they're old guys that have always been losers.

And then

they're old enough that no one can tell.

They're like, oh, I can just make people assume that I used to be an athlete or I was in the Navy.

They have no idea that I was a guy that collected bugs until he was 40.

So

they'll grow a mustache or something.

They'll read a Tom Clancy book.

They'll carry the Tom Clancy book around.

And then you're like, does that man know how to read?

And it's upside down.

What about the stolen valor of the southern guys, the mullets and the

these guys?

So these guys, what they'll do is they'll go to a restaurant and then they'll do like the they'll like tell the waiter, they're like, I would like to see the manager, please.

And then the manager, then they'll be like, oh, fuck, I'm in trouble.

And the manager will come out and be like, I want you to know that this young man

gave me the best service that I've had.

And they like want to have, they want to, like, they always, they love doing that kind of, you know, this?

The real, yeah.

They love the surprise.

It's actually

amazing job.

Wow, you're right.

I do know what you're talking about.

Because they think they just want to surprise somebody.

And there's something so sweet about it that

because they wouldn't get enough attention just leaving a nice tip, and they probably also don't have the resources to do it, that they're like, if I make this guy think that I'm mad, but then actually

that he's the best,

then that'll be.

What is that?

Hey, boy, get the fuck out out of here.

What is this?

Now, that's a damn nasty boy.

It's like that.

I don't know.

It's people that have like they learned emotions from

American Idol, basically.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what causes it.

It's just a desire to have some kind of important.

But sometimes you think, like.

And not in a sinister way, you know?

It's not.

A guy came up to me in Lowe's today and was like, By the way, sorry, my bookie.

Mybookie.ag, this episode brought to you by mybookie.ag.

And we've got a big weekend coming up because it's UFC 299.

Not UFC 300.

That would be a little bit more exciting.

But it's UFC 299.

It's O'Malley versus Vera 2.

So I don't know what happened to Vera 1, but

O'Malley versus, we got an Irish versus Vera, what is that, a woman's name?

I guess it's his wife that he brought it to him.

Is it two like this, or is it like Netanyahu?

Vera 2.

Netanyahu or

it's not what his name is.

It's not like not the name you're trying to think of.

Yeah, it's okay.

Who am I thinking?

Naseratu?

What is the word?

Nosferatu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's Vera and then the number two.

It's not.

Which I'm assuming is it's a rematch of O'Malley versus Vera.

With UFC 299 pay-per-view on tap this weekend, it's time to put your money where your mouth is.

So it's time to put your money on some guy's cock.

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You know, you asked me, like,

have I felt better since quitting the vegan thing?

And I think I was having a lot of trouble speaking.

I think I did get give myself like a vitamin B deficiency.

Oh.

And now that's gone.

I'm not like tripping over.

I was like, I was like worried about it.

I thought I had like a neurological problem.

I'd be like,

you were, yeah, you seemed more sleepy, but I'm trying to chill off.

I'm definitely sleepier, but I think that's just being 35.

Also, too, I was doing better, and then I got the gum surgery, and then I like gave myself like a week to just be in recovery.

Yeah.

And then

I found out it failed

10 days after, and then I was just sat in bed crying.

I was depressed about it.

And then I just, like, I haven't been moving.

So if I'm, like, sleepier in the last month, it's just, uh, it's just inertia from, like,

sort of checking out.

Are you going to Equinox?

No.

No.

I do not have an Equinox member.

I have a lifetime membership.

Which, by the way, it's funny.

I feel like I've run into more,

more often in public saunas, have people be like, hey, I'm sorry, are you the guy from the Cometown podcast?

And I'm just sitting there.

Than anywhere else?

Yeah, more in saunas.

And I'm like, wow, yes, I am, actually.

Wow.

It's nice.

That feels like that's the perfect place for it because there's something like ancient about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the old kind of public forum was

just being in a bathhouse.

And you're dick in balls or something.

And you're like,

yeah.

You know what's funny?

I go to Lifetime.

Wow.

And Lifetime Fitness

90% of the time.

Because I go all over.

I'm a world traveler.

So I go all over and I'll hit the lifetime in whatever town I'm in.

And 90% of the time the sauna is just in the gender respective

locker room.

You know, it's in the locker room.

Ooh, but sometimes?

Sometimes it's

in the pool area.

They'll have lap swimming and it'll be in the pool area.

And I get ready to go to the sauna.

And so I take all my clothes off and I put the towel on and then I'll like follow the signs for the sauna.

And then some of the time you're just nude, wearing a very small, like a tinywood.

Yeah, the tiny towel.

And then you're like okay well I guess now I'm just walking through and then I'm out in the public sauna and it's like families wearing dress like this sitting in the sauna and then I'm like hey how's it going they have like the big leaves that they're slapping each other with I wish that would be cool yeah who does that Filipinos the bathhouses yeah so my bookie and with the bantam weights strap on the line and Saturday night's main event you can stream and bet on it right from the sports book giving you the advantage until the final bell rings so cash out and win or let it ride with my bookie, baby.

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And if you go now and use promo code TAFS,

somewhere on the website, I imagine that they will either match your deposit or do something that is unfortunately not listed on this updated copy.

But wherever you could put in TAFS,

I don't think it matters.

I think if you find a place to do that, there's some kind of promotion.

Otherwise, go to my bookie.

You know, we've been doing business with them for years.

I don't even know why.

I don't even understand what the fuck the point of promo codes is.

It's for tracking.

I've tried using our promo code on a million things.

Nothing happens.

It never happens.

You know what's nice?

I finally, like, because I still get emails, I finally hit a number of Instagram followers, which is not a lot.

It's only like seventy five thousand or just been offered free shit all yeah i just said yes to a load of peanut butter

offered a free trip to costa rica okay like a whole fucking week like

peanut butter yeah it's actually a pretty good deal i mean i mean i probably shouldn't even like but they're like come to costa rica it's for like an animal shelter and do what they're like just they're like you have to like like post content that's like positive about the animal shelter and it's like did you kill a bunch of animals like why do you need need this?

You know, why you?

Yeah, why me?

And then also, like, why, like, what is an animal shelter?

Like, they're like, we got to be famous.

I guess they need donations.

And then, but I have no idea.

I think they just have some person that's reaching out to a bunch of people.

I guess.

I got.

They could have just asked me for money.

I probably would have given it to them.

But now I'm like, ah, these people are not going to be able to do that.

Don't be giving money away.

You have no money.

What?

You have no money.

That's indeductible.

Oh.

You've got to max out those charitable contributions.

See, the big problem is I don't really understand.

My thinking is always,

how do we get the deductions up and my reportable income down?

So I'm spending basically...

I write off every tattoo, every sweater, every sock.

You probably don't want to say that publicly.

Really?

Yeah.

Because absolutely, I guarantee you, there is not a single circumstance in which tattoos are a deductible expense.

They show on stage.

Yeah, even then.

They like them.

Even then, even like the wardrobe stuff, it would have to be, it's like, yeah, it's like, I think the wardrobe has to be.

If I didn't go on stage, I would wear nothing.

I would wear what you're wearing.

I know, but you would have to be like, it has, it would have to be like you're playing a woman, like a woman called white sweater woman.

I'm playing, I have to be in public, which I would never be without.

Look, this is all based on shit somebody told, like a comic told me in a green room when I was 20, where they're like, no gym memberships, no clothes, no haircuts, no groceries.

Those are like the four.

I don't write off groceries.

Uber rides entirely.

Uber rides for sure.

But you're always doing, you know, like I mean, I gotta take an Uber here.

This is work.

So

I don't have to.

In fact, these days I take the train more than anything.

I like I've gotten back into the train.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, it's nice.

I was doing only Ubers.

It got crazy, I think, for a minute.

What, Ubers?

The train.

I think that was why we all mellowed out.

It was getting a little annoying.

Like, there'd just be some guy just like

on your face.

Come on.

I've never been bothered by the people on the train.

The train is annoying because the schedules get fucked up and you don't like sometimes I get I've in the in the last 10 years I've had multiple periods of and back before I made money when I was done with the train when I'm like I'm not taking the train anymore I'd just fucking walk.

Yeah.

Like I remember I would go to stand-up New York to do like what like Kurt's podcast or something and I would just walk from Chinatown.

I'd be like, okay, the podcast is at seven, so it's I should probably leave by 3.45.

That's the best.

And then yeah, I would just walk 100 blocks.

Yeah.

I used to do that from Brooklyn into the city to spots.

Because impression.

I got fucked over.

Like, the first time, when I was brand new to the city, I got

a check spot at Stand Up New York.

And I was like, oh, that's important.

That's like a good club.

And I left like two hours early.

And I sat waiting at the Delancey in Essex.

I mean, and then it turns into pandemonium because the train doesn't show up.

And then there's no information.

And then people are like, should I keep waiting?

And then you end up waiting.

You wait 30 minutes.

30 minutes pretty much the cutoff and then you'll go to another station and

it ended up taking three and a half hours to get there yeah from Chinatown and then I was I missed the spot because of the fucking trains but that still happens sometimes the train will just like the train will just really fuck you in the ass well I think now it's just

I mean, eventually you just get to a point where you're just the late person.

But when I first moved here, I think I was late for every single job I ever had because of the train.

And I just, it just is 100%.

And now you just go to the train 15 minutes early it's also crazy too when you're like you move here and you're like a young comic and you go do like mics and then you go home and how long the train takes at like 2 a.m.

from the creek in the cave from all the way from the creek in the cave to like bed style it's yeah that's the exact yeah yeah yeah that that would take forever so fucked up yeah i mean i would mostly just hang out at the stage that's why i stopped taking the train back then i would just go to chinatown i think um i think we have to wrap this up because i drank too much water and i'm about to piss myself okay um But Catch Jordan this weekend in Boston at Laugh Boston.

I watched your special.

It was with my mother.

Uh-huh.

And we were losing our minds in my bed, giggling like schoolgirls.

Oh.

My mom.

That's cool.

She's very mean.

Shout out, Mom.

She watches it and she's like, this is gay.

She said it was gay.

No, this

mom?

Here is she love, but everything else she is.

Okay, yeah.

Dan Soder's special.

Caroline Picard, the Cajun Queen, catch her.

I was honestly, I would love to, this is a sincere, let's gas Caroline up as much as possible.

Any 75-year-old doing anything, that's awesome.

Yeah.

You know what's funny?

I watched 80 for Brady the other night.

I hate Joe Biden.

Not because I'm like a Republican or anything.

It's just like something about him just sucks.

And then I realize I'm just being ageist.

Because I watched 80 for Brady.

I'm like, oh, this is what's going on in his mind.

What's 80 for Brady?

The movie about the four 80-year-old women that want to fuck Tom Brady.

And then one of them thinks, one of them thinks she has cancer.

So

she's like, well, I have to spend all of our money to go see the Super Bowl.

Wait, is it real or is it fake?

It's based on a true story about four women who are over 80 that watch the Patriots, but they didn't fucking ever go to the Super Bowl.

There's just, it was like a local news story about like, look at these old-ass women watching the TV and they're like, they love the Patriots.

And they made him feel like that.

They had a group called Over 80 for Brady.

And then Tom Brady, when he was going to retire, he produced this movie.

I don't know if he was the one that optioned it and turned it into a screenplay, but it came out like, what, two years ago?

P.D.

Tom Brady produced his own movie about old people wanting to fuck him?

Yes.

That's insane.

Well, it was funny.

I was watching it.

I was watching it with my girlfriend, and then, and then, and she was completely unreceptive to this argument.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not podcasting when I'm sitting here.

Yeah.

But it's like,

just imagine a movie movie called like called like Horny for Taylor.

And it's four 85-year-old men that are like, we only have one chance left to get pussy off Taylor Swift.

And they all sit around watching Taylor Swift.

And they're like, jerking off.

They're like, look how good her titties look.

And it's supposed to be heartwarming.

Imagine that.

It's heartwarming?

Yeah, it's heartwarming.

I mean, I did, I teared up.

No, you did not.

No, I did, yeah.

At what part?

Dude, I feel like the gum surgery like broke the it, like, broke.

The dam has been, like, loosened.

Because I hadn't cried since Fast and Furious VI.

It was like 10 years ago.

What is going on, Fast and Furious VI?

Well, Paul Walker died in real life, and at the end of the movie,

you know, he's like, I swear to fast again.

You know, the song's playing, and they're driving, and then the cars go different ways.

And, like, Vin Diesel drives into the next movie, and Paul Walker drives to heaven.

And

they had to, like, they put his face on, they, like, photoshopped his face on like a different guy.

It's like, not even,

it's like, goodbye, dude.

And you're just sobbing for the first time in 20 years.

I cried in the theater.

But that was, no, I was like 25 at the time.

And then I hadn't cried, you know, and I had like family members die, friends die.

And I tried.

I would like get, I would show, I would like,

and it wouldn't happen.

And then,

and then, yeah, just that week with the gum surgery and stuff because

it was like, I feel like.

And 80-year-olds be like, we're going to go gang bang.

Well, I feel like I've been backed up.

Because what happened, I think, when I was 26, things started to change.

Things started to take off.

And then

because my perspective at the time is I'd been in comedy for 10 years and I did the things you're supposed to do.

And when I moved to New York, I moved to New York feeling like I already failed at comedy.

I kind of just wanted to live in New York.

And then, like, there would be little things here and there.

But, like, when Cometown started to take off, I like tensed up because it's like, okay, I got to hold on to this.

Oh, yeah.

And And then, and then I like, I think that that, and then, you know, other things like becoming a public figure, that's weird.

And then you just, like, I feel like I became like very emotionally reserved.

And then, yeah, just having like the week off and getting the gum surgery was like the first time I like, because I didn't have, I haven't had a physical in a decade.

I haven't like, I hadn't got my teeth clean in like four years.

I think it's that you have a girlfriend that you like who's cool.

Well, somebody that like, yeah, to like just be vulnerable and then somebody like, because I mean, I've been in other relationships.

I mean, mean, certainly like

having support, I guess.

It's like tangible.

I did not think I was going to like her.

And then she walked up to me and I took a bite of a tiny mini candy and I was like eating it and she was like looking, she was like looking at it like this and I was like, do you want the other half?

And she was like, yeah, can I?

And I was like, 100%.

And I was like, okay, I'm all in on this.

But anyways, yeah, no, I did tear up at the part in 80 for Brady where you think that Lily Tomlin has cancer, but this is the bullshit.

First of all, fuck this movie.

It's funny, whatever.

I don't want to shit on it too hard because it is good as a movie.

Nobody is going to come back to you for shitting on it.

Nobody will see it.

I don't know who wrote it.

Morally,

it could be a friend.

I don't know.

Tom Brady, it sounds like.

Yeah, well, but morally, it's like it's these creepy old women that want to fuck somebody a quarter of their age.

Tom Brady is basically a child.

Yeah.

And if we're like, all things equal, Tom Brady, as a, what is he, 38?

What does he got to be?

Something like that.

40.

40 years old.

Okay, then you think that's an adult, but these women are 80, right?

So they're basically Subway Jared in this situation.

Yeah, I agree.

And

then the movie, I mean, it is a comedy, but like the all that's happening the entire time is they they go to the Super Bowl and they're surprising everyone because they're just better at at everything than everyone.

Like though like like one of them is like, oh, she eats edibles, and then winds up in a poker game with Patton Oswalt.

Yeah, and Guy Fury and stuff.

She's in this poker game, and she's just like, oh, she's beat.

They don't think she's going to win, but she's beating all of them at poker.

She's the best at poker.

And then there's a game where you throw a football, and the other old lady is like beating this, like, athletic, you know, young man.

And then there's a Hot Wings eating contest.

And Sally Field is, oh, she's eating the Hot Wings.

Nobody else can eat the Hot Wings except her.

It's just like

Sally Field, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is devastating.

So that's the same idea over and over again.

It's like people are going to under, oh, this 80-year-old woman can't do anything.

It's like, oh, she's the best at the monster truck rally that we have.

And then eventually they go into the, I guess, like the,

like, like the coordinator's box or whatever, and then they're like calling the plays themselves, and they're the reason that they won the Super Bowl in 2017.

And one of them has cancer, but she doesn't really have cancer.

She doesn't even have cancer.

That's the premise of the movie.

It starts off, first of all, it's like the first 15, like the whole first act occurs in just a living room.

And they keep jumping back and forth in time because they were like, let's just bang this all out in one day.

So we'll do a couple of costume changes.

But so they're sitting there, and

it starts off, they're already watching the Patriots.

And it's like, how did this start?

And it's like, it was 10 years years ago I was finishing up my chemo therapy and the TV got stuck and they couldn't like turn change the channel the remote stopped working and they're like oh football turn it off turn it off we need to watch a woman getting murdered you know like whatever they needed to see and then tom brady comes on the tv and they're like

Let's suck his penis, you know, and then they they're just lusting after him and then they get into football from the lusting, you know.

Okay.

And then, so this is 10 years later, and then they're watching it, and then there's like a, there's like a, uh, there's like a contest to win tickets to the Super Bowl.

And, like, Lily Tomlin plays the one who had cancer.

She's like, what if we went to the Super Bowl?

And then...

She buys tickets, and then there's a contest, but she buys the tickets and tells her friends she won the tickets.

Unbeknownst to them, she's gotten more like tests up, more medical screening.

And

she got a letter from the oncology center.

I'm like enthralled.

I'm like,

and then what?

She got a letter from the oncology center and they've been trying to call her, but she doesn't want to pick up the phone because it could be bad.

Tom Brady.

Well, it could be bad news.

So

she won't open the letter from the oncology center.

She hasn't told her friends.

And so then, like, you know, you kind of get the sense that they present you with the idea that this woman knows her cancer has returned.

She's going to die.

She can't go through the chemo again.

She just wants to take her friends out for one kind of like last hurrah memorable experience.

That's very sweet.

But then you watch all this, and then eventually they're like, Why wouldn't you just open the letter?

She's like, I'm worried it'd be something bad, and I don't know.

And they're like, and at this point, they've lost the tickets, and they gotta find the tickets again.

And then they finally get in, and they're in the sky box, and then they're the reason that they win the Super Bowl.

And then at the end, it's like, oh, and she doesn't even have cancer.

And it's like, well, no, now you have to die.

Because,

like, all You fucked a kid.

Even cancer aside,

you're 85 years old.

You've already gotten.

It's time to die.

You have to die.

I'm not watching a movie about old people.

You're more than most people.

Does one of them die?

One of them dies.

No.

None of them die.

Sally Field, Sally Field, her character is married.

Her character is married to Bob Balaban in the movie.

And then they're like, oh, look how boring Bob Balaban is.

Meanwhile, she's 75 years old.

Likely her husband would be dead.

Yeah, well, you know, because he's like, can you give me notes on my paper that I wrote or whatever?

He wants notes.

And she's like, I don't have time for this.

Meanwhile, her husband is a fully functioning 80-year-old.

Yeah.

He's writing books.

Right.

So she won't give him notes in the books.

She goes, and then she's like trying to cheat on him.

With Tom Brady?

It's kind of like she wants to get better at flirting, I guess.

It's a way to get this joke in there about like nagging or something.

I don't know.

At a certain point, something happened.

Either someone called or I had diarrhea, but I left.

I went to the bathroom and

I missed a chunk of it.

But they're in an Uber ride.

And she's like, I never got a chance to flirt.

And then she tries hitting on the Uber driver.

She's like, oh, you have a nice head.

She says that to him.

You have a nice head.

Imagine if you tried to do this with me with the movie Face Off.

Would describe the movie Face Off?

Verbatim.

Well, Face Off is a masterpiece.

It really is.

You told me about it and I watched it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

See, I don't even remember that.

Yeah, I love Face Off.

And then I and then I realized that.

You remember what the joke was that the old lady said in the Ober, but you can't remember

conversations I've had.

Oh, I thought you meant you don't remember the movie Face Off.

No, I don't remember the Face Off.

I don't remember any podcast I've ever done ever.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a blur.

But you can picture movies.

Because it's a story.

It's not just some stupid fucking conversation I'm supposed to have.

Yeah.

What do you...

I'll ask you off the pod.

What?

Well, I was.

And then thanks, guys.

Thanks for joining us this week.

I have to piss so bad.

Okay, go.

And my weekend recommendation, 80 for Brady.

Nice double feature.

80 for Brady and then a bunch of Caroline Picard clips.

Subscribe to my YouTube for the death.

And I'll say this.

It's sort of a palette cleanser for Joe Biden.

Everyone hates Joe Biden.

He's making old people look bad.

But you can...

He's not that bad.

Did you see the Golden Bachelor, that guy?

No, what is that?

It's the old, they chose an old-ass bachelor, and he is 100% autistic.

He's just, he's just teeth and he's like, I want love.

I've never really watched, and I'm not like, I'm not like, I'm not watching The Bachelor.

I'm not doing that.

I've been to like bachelor parties where people watch The Bachelor, and I sit there and I try to watch it.

I genuinely do not get.

the appeal.

And it's like, I mean, like, people are like, well, it's easy to get into.

You can have people over, but why The Bachelor?

Why not guys grocery games?

Why not any reality show?

What is it about The Bachelor that you're doing?

Because it's a competition with a bunch of insane people, and at the end they are forced to get married.

I used to be against the game.

Why not guys' grocery games?

It's the same exact thing.

It's not the same thing.

One is like forever and it's this fake thing and then the girls get in fights.

I used to be against it, but then I watched it with the roommates and you get into it.

You get attached to one thing.

I used to have an episode the other night and it's like, if you told me this aired in 2003, I wouldn't know.

It's just a guy being like, yeah, when

we had sandwiches the other day, I was like, you know, this is like probably the best,

it's like one of the most amazing afternoons of my entire life.

Yeah, but then they kiss, and it's this insane kiss where one of them is biting the other one's tongue, and they don't know how to do it, and you're like, oh, that's.

I'm so glad you said that because I was like really feeling that also.

That it was also.

Where are we talking about?

So have you had sandwiches?

I like when in the middle of the adventure they cut to an animal just like even the events.

Like I just watched they did like axe throwing.

Is that even a thing anymore?

I feel like

the entire middle of the country.

It's Bonton.

The whole show is the entire middle of the country is just a wasteland of empty craft breweries and shut down axe throwing places.

Yeah, places like called Wedge and Spackle or whatever.

And then every town, it's all just homeless people and one guy who has a Tesla.

Yeah.

There's a guy that goes around with the Tesla like Mad Max.

I hate Teslas.

They're everywhere.

Yeah.

And they won, I guess.

I think they won.

Elon won, dude.

Every time I I have to push that button

to get out, it's crazy.

I hate the way that makes me feel.

I get hostile immediately.

Yeah.

The stupid button that says this is how the door opens.

Just have a door.

Just have a handle.

I don't know.

Anytime they would push it.

But now I sound like the woman with the road earphone.

I'm like,

you can't even.

Tesla, fuck you, bitch.

I'm going to push a button.

You want me to push a button?

Try taking the dog sled to fucking church, asshole.

Fucking bullshit.

Tesla.

I'll take, I'll shit, Tesla, I'll wipe my fucking ass with it, motherfucker.

I mean, it's literally.

You said dog slit, but you said dog for so long.

Yeah.

Dog slit.

I mean, that's like,

to be fair, that is 90% of a certain era of Texas comedy.

It's saying, like, oh shit.

Maybe that's why black comics are like, I can do an hour and a half because they're just, they're just, and you

think I'm, is their syllables are just drawn out I think that's what it is yeah it's hot I've got a hot well they all kind of it's like Ron White started it Ron White was the first guy Ron White the other day did you see the thing where he was like I feel bad but he was like my mom just died she was 69 years old what

he looks like 106.

I know I said it to my friend and I was like so he was like negative 20 when you

I think he just missed

he was must have been wasted.

He's like, she was 69 years old.

So just wanted to let you guys know.

I watched it.

I was like, this is a bit.

I look at all the comments.

Everybody's like, everybody's like, my condolences.

One person's like, what?

And then everybody else attacks them, like, just shut the fuck up.

It was crazy.

He looks 109 in the video.

She was 69 years old.

He can't possibly be.

He is like 60.

Yeah.

It doesn't, he's got to be 60 years old.

There's no way.

He just misspoke, I think.

But what was he trying to say?

My mom died.

He didn't die.

I don't know.

That was what I was saying.

Yeah.

You have to watch it because he's like in the camera, like

he's telling a secret.

Like, he's like, I just want you guys to know my mom died last night, 69 years old.

So just thought you guys would want to know that.

Which, why would everybody want to know that?

But the 69, he didn't look at it back at all.

And it was crazy.

Poor guy, that's got to suck.

Because you would think, like, when you're younger, you're like, oh, I hope my parents don't, like, die when you're young, which is tragic.

But, like.

When you're old.

No matter what, it's always going to suck when your parents die.

But now you're just disgusting.

Also in your body, you're old and gross.

I know.

Now you almost look like a moment.

Now you're a bad person for not putting your mom down earlier.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, thanks for joining us.

We will be back next week with a special guest.

Me.

No.

Actually, no, I'll tell you after the show.

Okay.

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Adam's going to be gone, so I'm going to do it without telling him on some.

I'm going to find you that video, probably.

All right, thanks, everybody.

If I said anything bad or weird,

I'm sorry.

Please don't harass any of the people that I mentioned.

Please just enjoy this as a podcast and then go about your day.

Please don't think anything more of it.

Please, maybe at most, either say, well, that's not really funny, and then turn it off, or chuckle a little bit, but then move on.

Just move on, please.

Thank you.

Weight loss solutions are not one-size-fits-all.

HERS makes it simpler to get started and stick with a weight loss plan, backed by expert-guided, online care that puts your weight loss goals first.

These include oral medication kits or compounded GLP-1 injections.

Through hers, pricing for oral medication kits started just $69 a month for a 10-month plan when paid in full up front.

No hidden fees, no membership fees.

You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself.

HERS brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first.

Reach your weight loss goals with help through HERS.

Get started at forhers.com slash for you to access affordable doctor-trusted weight loss plans.

That's forhers.com slash for you.

F-O-R-H-E-R-S.com slash for you.

Paid for by Hims and Hers Health.

Weight loss by HERS is not available everywhere.

Compounded products are not FDA approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality.

Prescription required.

Restrictions at forhears.com.

Apply.

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