The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Sam Tallent - Episode 42.mp3

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Speaker 2 sam talent all the way from south uh western uh colorado i wish southeastern the kansas side oh the kansas side yeah oh the shit side

Speaker 2 yeah yeah the high plains is that the four corners or no that's the other side the durango side that's the fun side the durango yeah yeah. Durango.

Speaker 2 So you're more of a Midwestern Coloradan than a rugged western Colorado. Colorado touches Kansas.
Yeah, and Oklahoma. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm from the part of the state that everyone hates, that no one cares about because there's no mountains, and there's just like copper wire theft. So it's a shit, like

Speaker 2 kind of opioid-riddled.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wish it was opioids. It's still meth somehow.
Still meth. Yeah, yeah.
A lot of light bulbs stolen out of the subway over there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does that have a subway? The sandwich place. Oh, the sandwich.
Does Colorado Colorado have the place where you stand and you're in five states? Is that four? That's the four corners. Four corners.

Speaker 2 Which is actually not correct. What? If you go to four corners, you're not standing in Utah.
Why not? I don't want to break this news here, but the people have to know. Why not?

Speaker 2 Because it made more sense to have the tourist trap in this one location as opposed to actually where they converged. Yeah, but brother, look at a map.
It's this. Don't talk to me about it.

Speaker 2 So how is Utah not involved? Well, because you're not actually in Utah when you're standing in the Four Corners. It's a little further up.
Oh, they put the X on the wrong place. That's right.

Speaker 2 You're only standing in two states? It goes even deeper than that. Some say you're only standing in one, depending on what maps.
Oh, okay. Oh, my God.
And the BLM is all up in arms about it.

Speaker 2 And it is their fault because they say it should be Africa. Yes.
You're standing in Africa. Yeah, you should be in Swaziland right now.

Speaker 2 It doesn't exist anymore. No, Lesotho doesn't exist anymore.
You had a hand in that, right?

Speaker 2 Not my fault, but I was laughing.

Speaker 2 We cashed the checks.

Speaker 2 I was laughing.

Speaker 2 Guys, can I say what an exciting time this is for me to be here? Really? Long time listener, first time. New York City.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You are now on the

Speaker 2 Ashes. Where did I see you? Of the finest podcast? Detroit.
Detroit? I came and I opened for you there. That was a nice evening.

Speaker 2 You had Jake with you? No, that was a horrible weekend. I had a nice time with you guys.
I was only there for the Thursday. Oh, yeah.
No, late show Saturday was a fucking...

Speaker 2 Like, there was people screaming and the club wouldn't... Oh, no.
The club wouldn't, like, even talk to like people. And then it was people up front yelling at each other.
They're gonna eat me alive?

Speaker 2 I'm going next month.

Speaker 2 The House of Comedy? Royal Oak. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a cool, uh there was a uh school of rock event happening in front of the club when I was waiting for it to open and I just gotta stand there and listen to a bunch of kids play like Slayer and Disturb songs.

Speaker 2 That's fun. It was nice.
I I heard that the guy that started the actual school of rock, not Jack Black movie,

Speaker 2 Peter, Peter Ring,

Speaker 2 got to drop. Why are you going to get the coolest, baddest kids to gather around you and teach them how to start? Wait, school of rock the movies based on a true story?

Speaker 2 I think I don't know what started first, but I there are schools of rock now for kids to learn like Weezer and stuff. Mm-hmm.
And they were learning a little bit more than that.

Speaker 2 Yeah,'cause those kids are willing to do anything to be a star. It's pathetic what show business does to people, especially white men.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Really nice to have you here, guys.

Speaker 2 This is the room.

Speaker 2 You want to plug your special? It's a phenomenal special. Thank you.
The Toad's Morale, available on Shane and Matt's YouTube page. And it sounds kind of like a fable.

Speaker 2 It sounds like one of those African fables. It's an Aesop situation.
Like an Aesop. I'm the ancient turtle, and the crowd rides on my back.

Speaker 2 I saw some review of, there's like one of the, it was like one of his articles commenting on Shane hosting SNL. And it was a relatively neutral article, but they called their podcast

Speaker 2 Shane and Matt's Secret. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is like a broke mountain. Yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Off this popular podcast, Shane and Matt's Secret.

Speaker 2 The love that can't speak its name. Shane and Matt.
Yeah, longtime roommate, Shane and Matt, bring their ribbled tile of comedy. I did it with Howie Mandel when I was in Austin last time.

Speaker 2 Matt and Shane? Yeah. Howie Mandel went on? Howie Mandel came on Shane's podcast.
Is he actually balder? He shan't his head for like sanitary reasons.

Speaker 2 I think it's so he can't get the license stuff in there.

Speaker 2 And he won't shake your hand and stuff. He shook.
He shook. He's coming around on it.
But then he threw up afterwards? He did, yeah.

Speaker 2 The blood came out of his eyes. I'm going to find a way to meet him and just have doo-doo all over my

Speaker 2 slime.

Speaker 2 Come on your sleeve. Yeah, I look like slimer.

Speaker 2 Sticky.

Speaker 2 I'm just speaking in Chinese, but like Sylvester the Cat, Cat, just spitting all over.

Speaker 2 Just a pangarin.

Speaker 2 Just spinning. I was like, I've had one of those.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm surprised he's not one of those like still things COVID's going on, guys.

Speaker 2 He was really cool. He just didn't know that Matter Eye existed.
So he was like, it's an honor to be on Shane's Pod, big fan. And Matt's like right there, and he's in the name.

Speaker 2 He's the first name in the podcast.

Speaker 2 We've had like celebrities who here to do the interviews for this show. I'm not a celebrity.
Oh, you're a fan. Yeah, you're a big star.
Big star. Take celebrities in here.

Speaker 2 They don't even know who Adam is. It's the show.

Speaker 2 They're like, so what is this?

Speaker 2 People think it's Cometown. No, they don't.
They don't even know what that is. Dave Mortonoy thought he was coming to do Cometown when I had him on the show.

Speaker 2 And he was shocked. Did he have an Andre Steakhouse shirt on? He was going to be there.
I was wearing a suit. He's like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 And I was like, Welcome to hell. Yeah, the doors are locked, Dave.
Buy your way out of this one. I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know what to do in the city besides do these podcasts. It's nice.
It's nice to come in and have a giggle. You could do a group on like walking graffiti to Orin Bushway.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you should do that.

Speaker 2 I could lead one of those and be like, you think the blacks are crazy now? You shouldn't see what they were doing in 87. You should see what the new kind of blacks

Speaker 2 are doing.

Speaker 2 There was a group of black teenagers at the West Nyack Mall, and we were waiting at a Wetzel's pretzels, and they cut in line in front of us, and they had balaclavas on.

Speaker 2 And my feature was like, Let's get out of here, man. There's an anti-ens upstairs.
He like immediately wanted to bail.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 yeah, they're wearing full masks. Right, yeah.
That's not a race. At a certain point, you got to be like, okay, well.
A 15-year-old in a mask? Right, exactly. Any color of personal.
I don't care.

Speaker 2 I turn into a Gran Torino guy immediately.

Speaker 2 Start picking your teeth with a knife. Where would you get that mask?

Speaker 2 I've seen Hutts burn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Great weekend. Well, we all wear masks.
We do, yeah. And it's our job here on the show to peel them a suck.
You make that drive up there, like the palaces towards the Tappanzee. I love it.

Speaker 2 And at night time, you come around the bend, especially if there's a fog, that's Stu Leonard's sun. It's red.
Oh. And it's just terrifying.
It's really, really pretty up there.

Speaker 2 Like the way it's so vertical, like up from the river, the way it goes like

Speaker 2 up the mountain. Those houses there, they have the most gorgeous views.
I would love to move up there. You could easily.
You could live with Chris Ross and Bill Murray.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and uh uh Scarlett Johansson

Speaker 2 and uh the weekend update Colin Joe. I call him Scarlett Johansson's boyfriend because I'm a feminist.

Speaker 2 To be a live a day is his underwear, fellas.

Speaker 2 I would love him.

Speaker 2 I would love him to just fart on

Speaker 2 Colin Jose.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Wow, and Scojo.

Speaker 2 Are they married? I think they're married, yeah. It's none of my business.
What's that marriage going to look like in 30 years?

Speaker 2 She's like, what were you famous for then? Right, yeah.

Speaker 2 How did I end up, I'm Scarlett Johansson. How did I end up married to some guy named Colin? You're a showrunner now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You were on what?

Speaker 2 One time I was fucked up and I said, you're on SCTV?

Speaker 2 Am I married to Joe Flair? You're still the kids in the hall. Oh, dude, have you guys seen that documentary? No.
The Karma Punks or whatever?

Speaker 2 It's all about the kids in the hall in their like early years up there. It was real wild.
It was wild up there in Canada?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, no, but they were like the punk rock guys because they wore wigs. Yeah.
Everyone's like, it's a revelation. Well, Monty Python did that.
Sure, they did. And they walked hilariously.

Speaker 2 Cat Williams is talking about how they want to put black guys in dresses, but like British guys have been doing that in comedy for 60 years. Yeah, to big success.
To big success.

Speaker 2 I would try it, but I can't find a dress that'll fit. Really?

Speaker 2 Medea really owes it all to just guys that got diddled at Eaton. Yeah, she erased our history.

Speaker 2 She took it from us.

Speaker 2 My culture's not a costume.

Speaker 2 I agree.

Speaker 2 What's your culture? Like, Welsh or some crap? I'm a quarter Mexican. I'm secretly a quarter Mexican.
You're Chicano? Mm-hmm. Mosquito.
Yeah. No way.

Speaker 2 My grandma's from the caves of northern New Mexico, and she's like from a long line of mule skinners.

Speaker 2 Caves? Yeah, yeah, by Wagon Mound.

Speaker 2 We're talking like Anastasi types, like ancient bloodlines. You just use like 10 words, and I'm like, what? What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know.
This is my culture.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're indigenous first person?

Speaker 2 Yeah. You are.
No, I'm a quarter Mexican, but then the rest of me is just like Scots-Irish. Yeah, crazy.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Is that cave?

Speaker 2 There's a cave system in northern New Mexico, and my grandma's, like, the Escobels, lived there, and they didn't know they were in America until a census guy came and told them in, like, the 30s.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 Idiots.

Speaker 2 I think they ate donkey meat. Yeah.
Well, it's crazy. There's all these parts of the country that didn't have electricity until like 1950.
Yeah. They didn't have roads or anything.
There's no way in.

Speaker 2 Philly. Where would anyone go in? Yeah.
Famously. It was all gaslights until the 70s.
Yeah, and they're eating crap. That's eating crap.
Human features.

Speaker 2 They still do it. I know.
And it's not an easy thing. It's fine.
It's disgusting. It's their culture.

Speaker 2 They're so rude, also. If you're eating crap, just don't be rude.
Yeah, shut your mouth.

Speaker 2 Shut your mouth a little bit.

Speaker 2 Stop saying E-A-G-L-E-S during my set at the Helium Comedy Club. Did that happen? They were yelling.
Yeah, it was so scary. It was terrifying.
I thought those animals were going to kill me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you're lucky because no one expects you to. You got to

Speaker 2 Shane said good set to me afterwards. I don't understand what you're talking about.
He told me, Brian. Shane told me that there were these.

Speaker 2 No, there were these Philly guys in the back that Shane was standing next to. He was like, they were like, what the fuck is this shit?

Speaker 2 He told me that. They didn't throw any batteries at you, so it's a win.
No, because it was the NFC championship two days from then.

Speaker 2 And they were already pre-gaming for it. Yeah.
And they just started doing E-A-G-L-E-S. And I'm like, so anyway, I'm a Jewish.

Speaker 2 You were scared of Alex Edelman's act.

Speaker 2 I was doing Alex Edelman's act. You were told that you were doing Alex Edelman's act.
I was doing like,

Speaker 2 well, they'll hate Adam Freedom. Maybe they'll like Alex Edelman's act.

Speaker 2 Anti-Semitism, yes. I've suffered from it my entire life.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's cool that you have like a, you're a white guy, but you have a whole cross to bear.

Speaker 2 Much like another Jewish guy, Mr. Jesus Christ.
That fact that you have about, is that public information or no?

Speaker 2 You have a fact about Jesus no one else knows?

Speaker 2 Romance, TMZ, gossip, relationships. Let's do a blind item that Adam's.
Yeah, do a blind item. Can you allude to it?

Speaker 2 No? Do it. A certain comedian is dating.

Speaker 2 A certain clown has been dipping his nose.

Speaker 2 I'll say it. Okay.

Speaker 2 That's exactly how it's going to say.

Speaker 2 Dipping his nose in. Patch Adams stopped.

Speaker 2 I love light items, man. I think Robert Downey Jr.
used to run one, and he would post wild stuff under a fake name, like Velvet Prince or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was like the go-to gossip monger. That's cool.
Yeah, and they'd be like, I like that. A certain red-headed stranger was seen at the watering hole riding someone else's horse.
Who's that?

Speaker 2 The guy from. It's like Willie Nelson's cheating on his wife or something.
Oh. Yeah.
That's... Come on.
Shut up about that. Let the man live.
Yeah. Let the man live.
That's not even fun gossip.

Speaker 2 I want to hear it about like... I want to hear your gossip.
It's funny. About a comedian I've probably never heard.
Did Parker is doing

Speaker 2 Blackface? She's doing Blackface. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 You heard it here first, folks. No.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so let's go.

Speaker 2 Adam had a juicy piece of gossip that he was sharing. Turn the mics off.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's alright. It's not even that bad.

Speaker 2 I just don't want to say it on the show.

Speaker 2 Okay. Why not? Why not? We're cutting all this out.
Do the blind item. Yeah, I would get it.
Can you do it as like a colour? No, we can't cut it out. No, we have to cut it out.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because I don't remember. We didn't even say it.
It's for us. It's for us.
Then don't say it. Then it's not said.

Speaker 2 And there's nothing to cut out. I don't want to have to rethink the time as far as the ad reads go.

Speaker 2 I...

Speaker 2 Speaking of... I'm dating Caitlin Jenner.
Today's episode is brought to you by...

Speaker 2 She hit me with a car. Today's episode.
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M-E-A-T. Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2 Let's talk about sex, guys. Finally.

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Speaker 2 Juice? Yeah, do you take these things before you apply? No, no, no, I would never. It's just.
I thought you meant like put it in Vitamix. Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. I see it like a Samsung.

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I was just taking it as heart medicine. Yeah.
You just rock hard all all the time. I'm by myself in my apartment.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been rock hard alone? You're like, what am I going to do with this?

Speaker 2 There was a day my girlfriend was at work. Do you have two of the Lucy's in your pocket, by the way?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're definitely Lucy. They're not a rival.
Well, they're not.

Speaker 2 We're not doing, they're not this week, anyways. They won't send me any product.
I'm like, they read for you on Chubby Behemoth. Send me some fucking Zins.

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Right. You stupid blabber-mouthed moron.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you idiot.

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Speaker 2 Read the copy. But hey, I love being hard, and I love not being able to get hard on my own.
Sam, you remember the days where

Speaker 2 you were always ready to go? Oh, for sure. Yeah, 13, waking up, ready to flip your handwriting.
My criticism is they should call it red chew because blue I associate with like the matrix.

Speaker 2 Well, lack of oxygenation. Yeah.
You know, you would imagine

Speaker 2 you're blue if you're cold.

Speaker 2 But inside your body, your blood, it's blue, isn't it? It is, because it's blue. It's red.

Speaker 2 It's got oxygen and it's blue in your veins because your muscles have used all the oxygen up and it's going back to your heart to get blue. So why is my cock blue all the time and cold?

Speaker 2 Because you keep dipping it. Yeah.
Because you use it like a fun dip stick. A certain comedian's blue stick

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Speaker 2 Anything October 7th related into at least one. What was it, October 7th? What happened that day? It was a bit of a kerfox.
It was Eor's birthday. Eeyore's birthday.

Speaker 2 I forget. It's a massacre at Eeyore's birthday in Austin, Texas.
Really? He did it in his name.

Speaker 2 He had a clown. Some pin the tail on this.
Some Muslim guy dressed up like Tigger raped a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 Tigger's so close. Is it crazy? Why did they do that? I won't even say the name.
I won't even say it. It's it for me.
I won't even say it. A.A.

Speaker 2 Milne was like, one day, one day there will be a boy who will learn to read and be bummed out by the first letter. Well, you know it, because he wrote all his books for his son.

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Speaker 2 Yeah, and strikes the ball.

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Speaker 2 So you guys sell those to the fans afterward?

Speaker 2 No, I don't think that's legal. You could sell the copy, I mean the actual piece of paper.
Oh my god, they'd buy anything these guys. For sure.
Nick's been selling his undergarments to the fans.

Speaker 2 You know, when I went to Japan, I was so stoked to find one of those vending machines. Oh, really? That's not? Of course.
I was over there for a week, dicking around.

Speaker 2 See, I'm too, like, I was just fascinated by the stores that still sell, like, VCRs and DVDs. Yeah.
You know, like to go to, like, a DVD player store. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 And I was like, damn, it's like being in a circuit city.

Speaker 2 I was in one of like the Yodabashi Akiba, and I went to buy a word processing unit that's only available over there that's like very small. And I bought it.

Speaker 2 And then after I pought, I was like, this writes in English, right? And the guy behind the counter went

Speaker 2 and then I didn't know how to return it so I just left with a unit that I can't use oh that's cool serves us right for what we did over in Hiroshima and Nagasaki do you have like do you have like specific writing instruments because do you have to like procrastinate by bouncing from one type of writing instrument to another I wanted something that I could use on an airplane that was small enough for the the tray table oh yeah but uh no I'm pretty good about not procrastinating when it comes to writing because it's the only thing I want to do yeah yeah yeah the rest of this shit's tough.

Speaker 2 You can't write when you're on the road because you want to go ride the Ferris wheel in the mall. You can't be in the hotel room just writing.
I find it's easier to work on the road.

Speaker 2 Oh, I have a tough time. Because I don't really do anything.

Speaker 2 Do you go do stuff? Oh, yeah. I love doing stuff.
I go to the Botanical Gardens. You were in Columbus.
Did you go to the gardens?

Speaker 2 Well, no, it's snowing inside. Still.
Yeah, but also, too, 90% of the time, the clubs are like an hour outside of the city. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a dry mall. Yeah, do I want to risk it, stay downtown, spend an additional $300 over the weekend on Ubers? Well, they'll reimburse you, remember?

Speaker 2 I don't get reimbursed. Oh, you got to send.
I'll send your receipts to the club. They'll pay for your Uber.
Do we have a ground travel? Yeah. I mean, it's baked into my deals.

Speaker 2 I have to pay for fucking everything. I just get a travel buyout.
Mmm. The buyout.
The buyout. I'll take the buyout and then crash at someone's house.
Extra $5,000. Punk Rock style.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. Just every penny.
It's not what you make, it's what you save. That's right.
Yeah. You're a homeowner? No.
No. No, no.

Speaker 2 I want to buy an apartment in Paris, but my wife's like, who are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? Paris. I'm obsessed with you.

Speaker 2 It is the only thing in my life that didn't disappoint me. Me too.
I was on the plane about to land de Gaulle. I'm like,

Speaker 2 it's going to be. Isn't there dog shit everywhere? That's Naples.
Oh, okay. And there's dogs.
Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 it is, it's fabulous. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wept when I came up the stairs the first time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it cracked me open. It's lovely.
Yeah. The Seine,

Speaker 2 I mean the people are fucking losers, but the rest of it as a place. You know the thing about Paris is like every block of Paris, like if there's a building you see and you're like, that's phenomenal.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If one of those buildings was in an American city, it would be like, you'd be like, oh, in Columbus, you got to go visit that.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. And the one place you go.

Speaker 2 They have it on, like, three on every block. There's also a bone museum.
The catacombs are really fun. Oh, man.
If you're into bones, which I know you are.

Speaker 2 I'm not into bones. Yeah, he is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he is. Since when? Come on.
Come on. No, I'm, you know,

Speaker 2 what's like that. He's doing his lying thing again.

Speaker 2 What is an example of that? Remember when you made that big throne made of bones? No. No.
But now I'm remembering that picture of Arthur Chu sitting in the Game of Thrones chair.

Speaker 2 With his shoes.

Speaker 2 When times are good. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. That's one of the best pictures of all time.
Just the gayest thing you can do is go get a picture of yourself in the novelty Game of Thrones chair.

Speaker 2 That's the lowest tier of going to see

Speaker 2 the friend's coffee shop in the West Village, yeah. Yeah, and then he's just his shoes, and there's no laces or

Speaker 2 it's like mangles, yeah, just destroyed. Just destroyed.
They're new balances, right? They're white new balances. I'm not sure, yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's an orthopedic rebox or whatever. I like that you may just know the details about how he tied his shoes.
That's the funny thing that it's so funny.

Speaker 2 That's the funniest part because you see the picture and it's like this is a lame picture.

Speaker 2 And then you see the shoes and it's just evidence of like how much this man's like personal hygiene and personal life is just in a complete state of disarray.

Speaker 2 All he can do is tweet. The Velker was too rough on his palm.
It tells like an entire story.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it shows. It doesn't tell.
I mean, you could just, I guarantee you if I Google Arthur Shoe Shoes,

Speaker 2 Arthur Shu Shoes. What about Arthur Blue Choose? Arthur Blue Choose.
Get him involved. Yeah, actually, if you Google it, the first thing that comes up is Come Town Arthur Chew's shoes.
See?

Speaker 2 So I've gone into this before.

Speaker 2 Your SES fancy. And we covered it.
We covered every angle.

Speaker 2 He's tied. Did you see that?

Speaker 2 The tongue is folded up. That's such a fat guy moving.

Speaker 2 Like, that'll do. The laces are on his ankle.

Speaker 2 So he's tied his ankle. It's like the concept of a shoe is never disputed.
And then the tongue goes up and through the different layers of lace. Like his nurse did him in a hurry.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh man. Have you ever seen the fat guy whose like shoe his foot's too wide for his shoes so he has to walk on the heel with it all smushed down? It is, I feel

Speaker 2 the abuse on those shoes. Oh they're punished.
I had to go to hokas. Hokas are nice.

Speaker 2 Dude, how in a hurry were you to get to that chair that you can't pull your tie on? He's not even a hurry. He's just like, oh, fuck it.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 Do you guys know how to tie your shoes non-bunny ear style? Yeah, of course. Really? I never picked it up.

Speaker 2 You go around the hut. You go around the hut and then you pull it through.
I never do bunny ears. I've been bunny ears.
Bunny ears are. Bunny ears is how you teach a special education.

Speaker 2 Well, it's for special kids. I'm a special guy.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 you go around. It's more complicated to me.
You do

Speaker 2 two loops and then you tie them. It's hard.
It's hard. It's easier.
You don't have to have the dexterity. No, you got to hold both of them in the bows.
No.

Speaker 2 You guys are talking from a position of privilege. I know.
I'm a little bit bit of a blue blood myself. Well, you're not even half.
You've shooed laces completely.

Speaker 2 Do you know much about Arthur Chu?

Speaker 2 Enough, just because I listened to the show. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 What are your freak areas of expertise? I know.

Speaker 2 Which, by the way, I'll be in Nashville this weekend. Yeah, yeah.
Go see Nick. I'll be in Timonium this weekend.
Oh, okay. Oh, thanks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Made-up city.

Speaker 2 And I haven't been able to really promote those in Nashville, so I've been gone. I had mouse surgery, so I was on this podcast for a week.
So please come out, the Zaneys. Did you have it whitened?

Speaker 2 What was it? No, I did a gum graft. So

Speaker 2 they cut a big chunk out of the roof of my mouth and sewed it onto the front of my gums, and then the graft just died. What was the matter with your gums? They just receded.
He was nasty.

Speaker 2 He was a nasty guy. Huh.
He's a nasty boy. I know a lot about American literature from 1928 on.
That's like, that's all I really... Yeah.
I know about like bad punk rock bands and stuff. Like which?

Speaker 2 You know, like the regional differences between like

Speaker 2 Detroit and Cleveland punk rock in like 1977. Pear Ubu? Per Ubu versus the Necros, that kind of dumb shit.
Yeah. You think Steve Harvey and Per Ubu ever chilled? No.
They're both from Cleveland.

Speaker 2 They're both from Cleveland. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Famously. Also, guys, since we're saying it now, Boston and Detroit in March.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 On the road. Yogging it.
And I'm going to.

Speaker 2 Two punk cities, two types of... You know, punk used to mean a man who was sodomized.
It was a jail slang term. It was a jail slang, a prison punk.
It was a boy who held on to a guy's music.

Speaker 2 It evolved separate from the British punk thing? Like they both had the word at the same time? I think so. I think punk magazine came out, and then that denoted the kind of music.

Speaker 2 But punk was a thing that starts in Britain in what the late 60s? You're giving them credit? 74, 75? Yoko Ono.

Speaker 2 Yoko Ono actually was the first punk. That's right.
Yeah. When she killed her husband.

Speaker 2 Had him killed by a man who looks a lot like me. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 what's

Speaker 2 kind of the most baller move I was talking about this weekend of all time?

Speaker 2 How

Speaker 2 Elliott Smith... Well, first of all, he was probably murdered, but he stabbed himself in the heart twice.

Speaker 2 But he left a note that said, like, this is your fault to his girlfriend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would love. Do Do you think that's a cool guy move? It's so cool.
I think that's a simpering bitch of a move. To tell her that she's

Speaker 2 like, look what you made me do. That's your last thing.
It's kind of like a caddy.

Speaker 2 You know what's really sad is when NFL guys commit suicide and they shoot themselves in the chest so that their brains can be studied.

Speaker 2 I wonder if Elliot Smith had CT. I'm going to do the same thing.
I'm going to shoot myself in the chest so they can study my penis. Really? Yeah, I'm going to be like, figure out what was wrong.

Speaker 2 Come on, get to the bottom of this. Reverse engineer it so no one has to suffer this curse.

Speaker 2 Wow. I wonder if the doctors would stand anything to learn from my penis.
Probably. They'd want to know why it was forked.
No, come on. Separate heads.
That's anti-Semitism. Come on.

Speaker 2 We're an expert on anti-Semitism. In these days, you can't be doing that.
What?

Speaker 2 It had nothing to do with it.

Speaker 2 Come on, that's a misnomer.

Speaker 2 Everyone knows that our dicks don't look like that. I don't know shit about your dicks.
Yes, you do. Even though they're fully on display.
You know that from the punks,

Speaker 2 Jerusalem punk scene? Yes, I do. You know what's fun is I was at the mall on Sunday, and I saw a Hasidic guy put up 160 points on a Papa Shot machine.

Speaker 2 The basketball one? Oh, I thought that's the punching thing. No, no, no, no.
But he just like swish, swish, swish, swish. Really? And his curls were like, he's swinging them around.
And

Speaker 2 he was just killing it. I mean, I'm a good Papa Shop player, but I can put up 50.
He put up like 160.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you... It's big in the community.
I mean, it's big for us. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 How good would you be at it, Nick? That's the one where the hoop goes back and forth. Nick shoots like that.
It games easy. Yeah, but you've got to go underhand if you really want to make it.

Speaker 2 Have you seen the Chinese guys play?

Speaker 2 They're all one-handed underneath. Yeah, yeah.
Is that how you do it? I do like to do this because it's easier to get off the backboard if you go underhand. Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know there's a strategy to it. Well, spend some time in the old arcade.
Yeah, Dave and Busters? Yeah. If they don't have a metal slug, then I just just want to play Papa Shot.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 What's Metal Slug? Metal Slug is one of the greatest. You just shoot a bunch.
Yeah, side-scrolling shooters, and you're like killing Nazis with howitzers. They deserve it, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're fucking assholes. They've had it too good for too long.
They've had it too good for too long. The arcade game I always like was Time Crisis.
Time Crisis was great. So sick.

Speaker 2 Remember the Die Hard game? No. The Die Hard video game was like from this angle and you got to fight your way through a building.

Speaker 2 It was like a final fight type thing. No, I mean the places that I remember Area 51.
Oh my god. god time crisis

Speaker 2 get that trigger finger ready for the date later yeah

Speaker 2 what else the sex ski game the DRK game of course Jurassic Park the one you go in oh dude that one was sick the car the car yeah the motion aspect I always wanted one of those for my house I wanted to get good at ski ball but then not play it just sit in there yeah just use it as a shelf yeah and then bring it to

Speaker 2 attach a hose to the exhaust of my actual car and bring it into the Jurassic Park

Speaker 2 But then it just then it just kills everyone else in the house because it's just a curtain. Hey.
So there was no...

Speaker 2 You want to come over and look at my machine?

Speaker 2 What happened?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he killed himself in Jurassic Park machine. He took out half the neighborhood.
And you know, we said we didn't see it coming, but we all kind of saw it coming. When he bought that machine.

Speaker 2 There were a lot of cries for help. There were plenty.
Speaking of cries for help.

Speaker 2 Trying to learn how to cry for help in another language? Check out Babel. Babel.
Babel. Babel.

Speaker 2 it's not just a movie by look we all want to learn other languages we were just talking about going to paris can you imagine not being able to speak german there to rub it in their face

Speaker 2 how they can't even ban the language when they took over paris the germans put a giant swastika flag on the top of the eiffel tower yeah and then Parisian guys would climb up the Eiffel Tower every day and get shot down or fall until one of them took it down.

Speaker 2 And then the Germans would just put up another one the next day. That's awesome.
Can you imagine how beautiful the Eiffel Tower would be with the giant flap and swab?

Speaker 2 They should have just welded the other arms onto it and just had it so the Eiffel Tower is permanently just a shitty fucked up swastika.

Speaker 2 Becomes a Hindu shrine.

Speaker 2 All the tragedies of World War II were worth it just to see the French get fucking owned.

Speaker 2 They gave up. Yeah.
They gave up. It was Vichy French.
And then they had a Nazi version of France immediately. Oh yeah.
They're like, oh yeah, we've been sitting on this one. Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 We got Vichy now. You still can't have a head wrap there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
It's true. You can't do wave checks.
Yeah, you can't wear a do-rag in Paris. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Guys, what's the best way to learn a language? Immersion.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dude, how, would you want to go on vacation, just the two of us, not tell anyone? Yeah.
To Paris? I'd go to Paris right now. You want to do like a Steve Coogan, the trip? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we have wacky conversations. In the car? I'm very bad at impressions, though.
I would go there and be

Speaker 2 Muslim. I would go there and be Muslim.
Yeah. Come on over.
It'd be cool. Be as Muslim as possible.
Yeah. Yeah, it'd be extra.
It'd be like me eating figs, those British Muslim YouTube guys.

Speaker 2 White guys? Yeah. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 They're Arab.

Speaker 2 Britain has like these young Muslim guys that get popped. They're like, everyone thinks Israel is good, but it's actually bad.
And then they have like fucking 200 million followers on YouTube.

Speaker 2 That's the whole pit. Yeah, they're not like, they don't seem particularly

Speaker 2 like, yeah, they just don't like things.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they say like, inshallah, wallah, you know, wallahibi. But then their regular speech is just like retarded British guy.

Speaker 2 The stuff that they sound like wall us otherwise. Immersion, living where the language is spoken and using it every day.
But if that's not in the cards this year, you could still, it might be.

Speaker 2 It could be. Hey, man.

Speaker 2 We got nothing but options. I want to leave my girlfriend so bad.
May you leave your wife? I could leave her for like a week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you can't tell her where you are. Hey, baby, don't worry.
Just know I'll be happy. We just...

Speaker 2 Remember how your body was when we met? I'm going with someone who still has that body.

Speaker 2 She was breastless when we met. A man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, prayer works. She had a rat tail.
Really? Oh, yeah. Wow, gorgeous.
Gorgeous. Yeah.
Barnell.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that movie? That really set the table for me. Really sad movie.
Yeah, but there was like a feral woman with short hair with her tits out talking gibberish.

Speaker 2 It's a movie about a retarded girl. Give me all of that.
She's hot. I love it when they can't read.
Oh, it's the best. Me too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you can still learn the language the second best way, and that's with Babel.

Speaker 2 One in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list before they kill themselves. Why are they writing lists on buckets? Yeah, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 2 I don't know. What the fuck is that? If that's you, make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babel.
Fast forward to the end of 2024. Think of your goals.

Speaker 2 What can you do right now to give yourself the best chance of succeeding? If you want to learn a new language, you absolutely should get Babel.

Speaker 2 J. Sweet Sam.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Charlie Hebde.

Speaker 2 This is

Speaker 2 such a good reference. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Charlie Hebde. Dude, so...

Speaker 2 I couldn't remember the name.

Speaker 2 Same Charlie Hebde. That's so funny.

Speaker 2 He's googling Arthur Chu remixes. I'm trying to add banana bread to my

Speaker 2 food trackers.

Speaker 2 You add all those clips on the bottom. They're trying to make us some money right now, Nick.
Did you know that learning an actual language makes a sound?

Speaker 2 It's true, then listen, and it's the Babel SFX. We don't have it, do we?

Speaker 2 Drop them in right here.

Speaker 2 So in post, drop in the SFX. Yo, Ago Maron.
We don't have an editor anymore.

Speaker 2 I don't have anything. You got Johnny 5 back there pressing the buttons.
Yeah, on the ones and twos. Putting in the sound effects.
Yeah, our editor. Oh.
Our editor no more.

Speaker 2 That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babel. You want to know one of my favorite sounds? Here it is.
Insert. Beep.

Speaker 2 Beep.

Speaker 2 Running ranger now.

Speaker 2 I'm assuming.

Speaker 2 I think that's what it is.

Speaker 2 Get led it to run rang rich. That's the sound I hear when I'm learning a new language with Babel.
Here's Ray or Run Rangrich. And if you...

Speaker 2 And if you want to learn a new language this year, I guarantee it'll be one of your favorite sounds too. Let's hear it again.
Here's right, rhyme, rhyme, right?

Speaker 2 Is that Cantonese or Mandarin?

Speaker 2 All right. So, guys.

Speaker 2 I speak a hybrid type of Chinese. I forgot.
I like Chinese. I'm not sure they're Jesus.
So I kind of come in and

Speaker 2 you tower over them.

Speaker 2 You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars. A Chinese that we can all understand.
You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars.

Speaker 2 Do you imagine how powerful China would be if they all spoke the same language? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 We'd be toast

Speaker 2 if they were over there just getting along, figuring out new fish head recipes. Yeah.
Yeah, new new bugs you can eat.

Speaker 2 I ate a bunch of bugs in Japan and it was awesome. What'd you eat? I had a bunch of ants and I had some like crickets and then the big payoff was a horse aorta.

Speaker 2 So you just only had the money for the Airbnb.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this was all out of a trash.

Speaker 2 You went there to be a bum? I did. You went on vacation to be a hobo? I did.
Yeah, I had my bindle and my song.

Speaker 2 And they just like pat like jap like proud Japanese just passed you like eating out of the garbage.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was kind of like an aesthete.

Speaker 2 I looked at those little cafes they had there. Oh dude, it's my favorite.
You get like a croissant and a like a bubble wrap. Perfect.
Yeah. A blister pack croissant.
The packaging is lovely.

Speaker 2 Your change on a silver platter. And then they bag that separately in a plastic bag.
You don't have to waste hours. They're actually designed for working there.

Speaker 2 Like you sit down, you have your laptop and you just listen to the nutcracker and don't find the glass cigs. Yeah.
Yeah. God.
God, they figured it out. That's the best state in the world.

Speaker 2 You don't have to waste hundreds of dollars on private tutoring. What if I want to, Adam? Well, then it's your choice, but you'd be a real dumbass to do that.

Speaker 2 You don't have to waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babbel's quick 10-minute lessons are designed for over 150 languages.
I didn't even know there were that many.

Speaker 2 Too many, if you ask me. Too many.
It should be English.

Speaker 2 Need a linguist. Ordering fucking English.
I have the Genoese stakes

Speaker 2 attitude to the globe. Yeah.
To help you start speaking that. That is the one other thing.
They all speak English in Paris, and they're dickheads to you. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 But unless you say, puis je voie, une croissant. You know how to do it? You have to say, may I have.
And then they're like, all right, fat boy, get in here. Do you know a little bit?

Speaker 2 A little bit, enough to order. It'd be good for us.
Dude, I would go there. I would leave.
I'd be like, Sam. Yeah.
We could hold hands, sit by the sun, drink natural wine.

Speaker 2 Listen, we're gay guys from America. We're trying to learn how to be more gay.
Right, yeah. And we came to Mecca.
And we went.

Speaker 2 This is the Castro district of Europe. Yeah.
Babel is designed for real people and real conversations. If you're going to learn a language, all you need is 10 minutes.
For sure.

Speaker 2 The special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, you get 55%

Speaker 2 off. That's fucking huge.
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Speaker 2 But only for our listeners at babel.com/slash T-A-F-S. Get 55% off Babel.com/slash a f s spelled b a b b e l dot com slash t a f s ja ja shoo ja i ga dale earnhart

Speaker 2 rules and restrictions may apply

Speaker 2 golf

Speaker 2 people

Speaker 2 earnhardt.

Speaker 2 I love the way they say just it throwing it in English.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Chulao feng gao eba number one American football. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Do you speak any languages? I'm learning Spanish daily. Oh, to get in touch with your culture.
Well, we wanted to move to Spain. What's that? Uno de Streis.
Yeah. Uno de Tres.

Speaker 2 Cinco? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Well, you are like,

Speaker 2 I mean, you should know Spanish as a quarter Mexican. My grandma literally was like, I forgot the language on purpose.
I remember in sixth grade being like, grandma, can I work Spanish with you?

Speaker 2 And she's like, the only good part about being Mexican is you don't get poison ivy. The Smiths.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
My grandma.

Speaker 2 Don't get poison ivy? Yeah, my grandma didn't get poison icons. They don't live near poison ivy.
I don't get poison ivy either.

Speaker 2 Well, when I hit poison ivy, I don't get the rash, and also mosquitoes leave me alone. Oh, really? Really? I think my grandma was, that was my blood.

Speaker 2 Is that a thing in Mexico? My grandma said,

Speaker 2 because it sounds like you just don't have a histamine reaction. Yeah, Yeah, the cleaner is probably still, you probably had West Nile like a hundred times.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, whenever I hold my hand over a stove, I don't feel anything. Yeah, yeah.
I think it's a Mexican thing. Yeah, it's Chicano Latin.

Speaker 2 You ever have poison oak? No, what's that? It's similar. It's bad, though.
Is it a tree, though? It's a tree, yeah. Well, I can avoid a tree.
It's the bushes that get me.

Speaker 2 Well, it grows around the tree, poison oak. Prove it.
Yeah. Let's go to the woods.
What if we did that? I went yesterday. Yeah, I know.
You won't shut up about it, will you? I know.

Speaker 2 It's the first time I've been to the woods in a while. Yeah.
Yeah, I feel like like into the wild. I feel like that guy who ate a fucking berry and died,

Speaker 2 like an idiot. What a baby.
Like an idiot. I laughed in the theater.

Speaker 2 Ha ha.

Speaker 2 Did you, that novel was, or that book was like the,

Speaker 2 that was like the on the road for kids of our generation? It was like, but it was also like an Oprah's book club kind of vibe, too. Oh, for sure.

Speaker 2 And now that Rhys character who got stabbed,

Speaker 2 who's her name? Reese

Speaker 2 Witherspoon? No, with a knife. She now runs the book situation.
If you can get on Rhys Witherspoon's book club. Reese's from Malcolm in the Middle?

Speaker 2 Reese Witherspoon. She got stabbed? Yeah.
In the movie or in life?

Speaker 2 Well, I was doing a fun joke about with a knife when you said Witherspoon. It's the joke my dad's been doing.
You know what's funny?

Speaker 2 I was on the John Lennon stuff. I was always under the impression that John Lennon was shot because he said that the Beatles are bigger than Jesus.
Oh, is that not true?

Speaker 2 It is true, but I thought the reasoning was that because Chapman was like, oh, you can't say that. You can't say you're bigger than Jesus.
But his problem was that John Lennon is a phony. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he loved Catcher in the Rye. Yeah, right.
Yeah. He's not the one that wanted to fuck Jody Foster.
That was the Reagan guy. That's the Reagan guy.

Speaker 2 Great punk band from Phoenix, Jody Foster's Army. Which John Hinckley Jr.
now plays music. Yeah, yeah.
He's got a show.

Speaker 2 He's an ass. But he's not like, why didn't he parlay that into success? Well, he just got out of jail.
It seems like a gimme, though.

Speaker 2 There's all these ghouls that want to go in their Invader Zim hoodies. I think he's like, that's the guy.
He's been in Dimes Square trying to get... I think he's been getting a lot of pussy recently.

Speaker 2 Good, yeah. Live it up.
Dosh is fucking... Dosh is fucking John Hinkley Jr.
Dude, she really just. Eskimo bros.

Speaker 2 Someone's got to rein her in.

Speaker 2 This keeps happening.

Speaker 2 They got that pussy in the zoo. Yeah, put it behind glass.
They got a jack on it.

Speaker 2 Motherfucker want to go to the zoo.

Speaker 2 Some some white poops.

Speaker 2 This is just a cry for help.

Speaker 2 She needs to get a jersey retired. That's why I'm not.
Dodgers fucking John Hinkley Jr. Yeah, I know.
After what he did to the gipper. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even kill him. My favorite president.
One of the easiest guys to shoot because he didn't know where he was at the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. His brain was mush.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know that he had, Nancy had a psychic, apparently, when he was fully gone, like years like seven and eight of his presidency, and the psychic was making like state decisions.

Speaker 2 Whoa, like like scheduling state dinners and like summits and stuff. Huh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I know the night before the shooting, the Hinkley family had dinner with the Bushes.

Speaker 2 They were like

Speaker 2 connected? Oh, so it's like CIA? 100%. Wow.
Yeah, because old Bush One was there when JFK got blasted. He killed him.
And his head popped. He killed him.
Who knows? He killed him.

Speaker 2 They were like, why were you in Dallas that day? He's like, I don't remember.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine if you shot Biden and then they tried to give you like a hundred years in prison?

Speaker 2 You're like, No, yeah, pass. Yeah, I'm not going to prison for this.
Yeah, the lawyer's just like, come on, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Dismissed. I'm going to trial by jury.
Yeah. Find a jury.
Find a jury that'll convict somebody for killing the president. I'd like to see that happen.
Who are you getting as your defense attorney?

Speaker 2 Huh? For the Biden? Frederick Douglass.

Speaker 2 I'm getting Frederick Douglass. Dream scenario? I mean, he'd be unreal.

Speaker 2 He'd be unreal.

Speaker 2 He got OJ off. He did.
He didn't forget about that.

Speaker 2 It was a hell of a performance. Great litigator.
If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

Speaker 2 Old Fred. Yeah, Freddie D.
Old Fred. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Old Fred.

Speaker 2 My closing arguments will be in the form of a dog dance. You know who I'm getting? I'm getting Nick.
Yeah, Nick would be good. To defend the assassination.

Speaker 2 You know, it's funny, in my memory, I always think like Frederick Douglass had his hair parted, like in barbershop. Yeah.
But it's not. He just has like rogue from X-Men hair.

Speaker 2 He has like the rogue like gray streak. Well, he wasn't a slave, but he touched one.
He afforded your memories. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He was X-Men? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you remember Cracked Magazine? It was the Lesser Mad Magazine? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't remember it as an internet thing. I don't remember it as a

Speaker 2 website, too. Yeah, back in the day, it was in the grocery store in Elizabeth, Colorado.
And they had one that was all the X-Men, but they were like transitioned into women, and the gag was X-Men.

Speaker 2 And this was like 1999.

Speaker 2 That's when you were allowed to do comedy. Yeah, exactly.
Before this crap. Well, the pendulum swung back the other way.
That was funny. I feel like, do people still say that?

Speaker 2 That was the most annoying thing. They love saying pendulum.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 like 10 years ago, yeah, when all this started, you get like older guys and be like, I'll tell you, the pendulum's going to swing back the other way. I'm like, so what do you think?

Speaker 2 We're going to have like five years of people being like woke or whatever.

Speaker 2 Maybe one of the, one, somebody gets fired for a reason. It goes a little too far once, and then they're going to say, all right, here comes the pendulum.
Let's bring slavery back.

Speaker 2 Women should be on leashes. That's your understanding of like a dialectical process is that people complain and then they do it too much and then we go right back to the way things were.

Speaker 2 Comedians are some of the dumbest people I've ever met. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 And we're lucky enough to hang out with some of the better comedians, but boy, howdy, the open micers,

Speaker 2 I thought you peach you. I love,

Speaker 2 I kind of miss DC open mics, though. The first three years are the best times in comedy.
Because you're with school shooters. Yeah, yeah.
All day long.

Speaker 2 And you're also getting rides with them across town. And you get to be in their car, and your feet don't touch the ground because of all the Hardy's boxes.
And they're talking about like their new 10.

Speaker 2 Right, yeah. And Hardy's is good.
Hardy's, I don't like the fries.

Speaker 2 What? Why'd you point it out? I got sick from Hardy's in Virginia in your car.

Speaker 2 That was from a Hardy's deep. You got HIV.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 you were like whining at the show, and you took your shirt off because you were like, I'm too hot. I said I wanted to feel different.

Speaker 2 I was looking at him. He shed his pants in my car.
I got food poisoning from Hardy's.

Speaker 2 How quick did it hit?

Speaker 2 Because food poisoning doesn't strike immediately. It's about 12 hours.
Okay. No, less, maybe eight.
All right.

Speaker 2 But also, we didn't go to Hardy's. We went to Arby's.
We went to Hardy's. No, we went to Arby's with Jamal

Speaker 2 outside of King's Dominion area. And there was a guy that came in, and he was...
We were with my ex-girlfriend Joyce.

Speaker 2 And he got two

Speaker 2 giant bags of... So there was a guy that came into Arby's and got two giant bags of food.
Like for two families. Like an old man.
And he's talking to the people behind there.

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah, yeah, I'll die in. You know what I mean? She's been all right.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, all right, see y'all tomorrow. He was like the gossip of Arby's.

Speaker 2 It was Hardy's. He has a standing reservation at the Arby's.
It was Arby's. Because if it was there, it would have been Carls Jr.
It was Hardee's. No.
This fucking moron. I hate him so much, dude.

Speaker 2 I like Arby's. Have you seen the Arby's meet when it comes in the bag? Thanks for dealing with it.
It's like a big dappled ass.

Speaker 2 It's like covered in fish flakes, and it's in a bag, and you can go back there and slap it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had a buddy named Kevin Schultz who worked at the Arby's in Parker, Colorado, and we'd go in there and slap those roast beefs. Did he end up trying to kill the president? No, he's working on it.

Speaker 2 It's really his manifesto in crane, so you can make it to the paper. That seems like it.

Speaker 2 It would be funny if somebody killed Biden, because it's like you wouldn't, I don't think the media would be able to generate outrage or

Speaker 2 shooting a guy. It's like a year from death anyway.

Speaker 2 They should do it in a cool way, though. The only old person.
You take him to laser tag and shoot him from the tower.

Speaker 2 The old person you can kill where people would be like, come on, would be like the oldest living person, especially if they're nearing the record age. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know it'd be really funny to shoot somebody like the day before they break

Speaker 2 Jean Clement or whatever her name is. How old is she? She lived at 124.
There has to be a Chinese guy who's like 150. No, because they all lie about it.
So the record gets taken away from them.

Speaker 2 There's a million Chinese guys that were like, I was born in 1794. They love to cheat.
Yeah, they're such.

Speaker 2 Well, it was funny when I lived in Chinatown, you see all these ancient Chinese people and you're like,

Speaker 2 they must have such good health. They live forever.

Speaker 2 But then you find out like those Chinese people you think are 200 years old are like 57.

Speaker 2 Like, they're not, like, they just age horribly. Yeah, they're wasp paper skin.
Yeah, and the only medicine they have is, like, a big mushroom

Speaker 2 that's floating in a jar somewhere. It's fucking this big.

Speaker 2 The doctor's like, yeah, here's this.

Speaker 2 Take this, and you're like, what do you mean? Like, physically? Just hold it? I don't understand what you're saying. Put it under your shirt.
Yeah, right. Eating skin to skin with the mushroom.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this will make you bigger. And then if you touch a turtle, you'll get smaller again.

Speaker 2 but if you get small don't touch another turtle whatever you do yeah hands off the turtles not even a tortoise don't risk it you can jump on them but right yeah

Speaker 2 now he's the mayor yeah well I guess these stitches are digging in the bottom of my tongue are you on pills no that runs out I mean I got the surgery two weeks ago at this point

Speaker 2 damn he's out of he's out of and then I had this giant fucking canker sore look at that yeah whoa yeah what's the rent on that thing I don't know like new york city dude yeah

Speaker 2 i'm sorry dude

Speaker 2 john lennon's pretty cool i feel bad for him he deserved it he seemed like he was scared when he died well he's fucking that that that woman who's all bones now who

Speaker 2 yoko

Speaker 2 oh i thought we were talking about john hinkley oh john hinkley oh no he's my ex-girlfriend yeah come on dude hey that's not my lover we love her um no wait uh

Speaker 2 John Lennon did something really funny where he had that the the lost weekend yeah and he like moved to LA for a year and he just got a different Japanese girlfriend really and he was just on cocaine for a year and a half and there's like a recording of the only time Lennon McCartney played together after the Beatles breakup and it is uh they're on so much coke it's them Harry Nilsson and Stevie Wonder and you what a squad you could hear Lennon going to Stevie's like Stevie you want to toot and they're like doing coke and the music is unlistenably bad wow it's so bad And that's like a great supergroup.

Speaker 2 It should be the best music ever made. That's how good the cocaine was back there.
It was made Stevie Wonder off time. I mean, well, it's just like you can't pay attention to anything when you're

Speaker 2 on that garbage.

Speaker 2 It's just like half ideas. Stevie's on it.
Like, it's just,

Speaker 2 it's really.

Speaker 2 What are Stevie Wonder's mannerisms on cocaine?

Speaker 2 Because he's already such a fidgeter. Yeah.
I mean, he's like...

Speaker 2 What is him? What is Stevie Wonder on Molly look like? He's just face down, but doing this. Yeah, he's in the rug.

Speaker 2 He's just chewing on his dreads.

Speaker 2 Is he married? He's playing a refrigerator, but he thinks it's the piano. Remember the rumors criticizing George Bush for waving at Stevie Wonder?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 George Bush waved at Stevie Wonder. And they're like, bruh, you fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's a test. A lot of people think he's faking it.
Really? No, because he has like courtside seats at a basketball game. Jamie Fox was faking it in that movie, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. He was a real actor, though.
He actually gouged his eyes out.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 I heard that he's on the down low brother. Ooh.

Speaker 2 Jamie Foxx. Yeah.
So you couldn't do that as a blind eye. Jamie Foxx is going to be

Speaker 2 a little bit. Jamie Foxx is going to get somebody's going to send this clip to Jamie Fox and make sure Jamie Foxx sees Adam calling him saying that he's on the down low and calling him.

Speaker 2 For being blind.

Speaker 2 That's what it's called in the black community for a guy that's a jazz style blind guy. I would love to see Jamie Foxx respond.
No, don't. Jamie Foxx,

Speaker 2 the video where you saved a guy's life in that car that was burning, you're a tremendous guy.

Speaker 2 I used to watch the Jamie Foxx show.

Speaker 2 I used to watch your show, and

Speaker 2 it was a...

Speaker 2 That was everybody hates Chris. You're confusing them.
No, the Jamie Fox show, the girl's name was Fancy. And Jamie, you should know.
Jamie, I'm a big child. Did you have the same birthday? Wow.

Speaker 2 Me and Sagal have the same birthday. That's all.
Who fucking cares about you, dude? Nobody cares.

Speaker 2 We're talking about you disparaging Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx, I'm...
You called him a rabid homosexual.

Speaker 2 I heard Barack Obama was, too. I mean, a lot of people are.
You want to cut stuff out because there's not, like, there's gossip that you've been going around, like, telling everybody. I just told you.

Speaker 2 I said, you're my best friend. He's told it.
Why'd you tell him?

Speaker 2 He blew it. Because I want a bond.
I want to have something that we have together. I don't want Alex Settleborough.
I want to feel.

Speaker 2 I want to feel. No, no, shut up.
I want to feel like... I don't want to ruin my time.

Speaker 2 the first couple months of us.

Speaker 2 Don't give me the hand. The first couple months of us, it's just fucking and like just romance and kissing and stuff, and then it gets old.
I know. And then he just bites it up.

Speaker 2 He just makes you feel ugly.

Speaker 2 No, he's just, he just.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 There's no reason to get it. I'm just an old bag.
I'm just going to protect that piece of gas.

Speaker 2 I'm getting gaslit left and right. I'm sorry.
You don't get to date a celebrity secretly and not have. You're dating Alex Edelman? I'm not.

Speaker 2 Stop. I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 That's huge. I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 You guys can't dock that. There's enough anti-Semitism in the world, and he's the only voice standing up to it.

Speaker 2 Have you guys thought about getting just a giggling fat guy on this show?

Speaker 2 I think it helps.

Speaker 2 It's such a good idea.

Speaker 2 We're trying to get Hillel Fold from Twitter. That should be the ideal third mic.
You guys should get Nick Avocado.

Speaker 2 He's on here just mukbanging.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would love that.

Speaker 2 Having a fat guy that laughs on the show is a great idea, man.

Speaker 2 It would really bring a lot of spice back to us.

Speaker 2 And then we'd have time to think about us.

Speaker 2 He's not even that fat. That's

Speaker 2 stolen valor. He's the guy that he's like the Zionism Twitter account guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's pretty good. But he's like one of these people, like, this is a job that only Israelis and Indians have, which is tech speaker.

Speaker 2 Just like,

Speaker 2 what the fuck does that mean? Yeah. And they have a career that he just goes around, like, it's usually an Indian guy.

Speaker 2 Like, if you have any kind of podcast, you'll get an email for that guy, Neil Patel. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I have no idea who he is. I've seen his name a million dollars.
I don't know. It's like there's these Indian guys.
It's just like, you get an email. It's like, please have him on.

Speaker 2 He's been in the Wall Streets. They've been in every publication ever.
And they do like TEDx talks. They're like, imagine if computer computer was everything

Speaker 2 so this is like

Speaker 2 you have cop but now it's computer it's computer it is indeed

Speaker 2 if you are very in your fireside there will be a cup but it is also bobba boom boom

Speaker 2 that will be fifty thousand dollars please and they're like no we're not giving you that money it's like what about one hundred dollars or you just put on instagram that i was here how about i get to keep the cup yeah i mean it's essentially what day and nine does he just added comedian it's probably probably the same guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Neil Bedell is probably Dan Nina.
It's probably a pseudonym. I hosted for that guy one time and he wouldn't let me in the green room.
Why? God, because it's his room.

Speaker 2 The man is a fucking institution. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember when Brandon was young, the headliner told him not to eat his chips when he was like a 17-year-old hosting at the improv and he was like, shook.

Speaker 2 It was such a mean thing to say to a kid. Yeah.
He was also hungry. His mom didn't pack him a lunch.
He was also, yeah, he lived in a box cart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, so how does Neil Patel make money? SEO is the number one reason that Neil Patel's net worth is over $30 million.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. He launched a ton of successful online ventures like Crazy Egg, Hello Bar, and Kiss Metrics.

Speaker 2 Kiss Metrics?

Speaker 2 Measures your fandom of the band Kiss. Yeah.
No, I think

Speaker 2 it's Indian guys trying to kiss baby girls and after kissing.

Speaker 2 Please, please to p kiss pussy. This is the other guy, the guy that's like partially owned stand-up New York.
He's like, and then he would be in like CNBC or Artables.

Speaker 2 No, James, uh, like uh James Owl Toucher. Owl Toucher.
Yeah, James Owl Toucher.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this guy. This guy.
He's Adam, basically. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 He's another like article guy. What are you talking about? He's another guy where, yeah, American author and podcast.
Blessed with youthful looks, well into life. You have great hair, too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Come on. That ice cream cone man is you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what you look like. That is kind of me.
And then he's going to pull up a picture of Snorlax and be like, and this is Sam. I'm not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 There was a period where he owned Stand-Up New York. Wait, that is me, actually.

Speaker 2 He owned part of Stand-Up New York, but I remember because

Speaker 2 he would just be, there would be articles just written by him. And they're always like, the time I lost $80 million, but then made made it back the next day.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 and I don't know who the market is for that, because it's only like financial stuff. And

Speaker 2 I would imagine that people that mostly consume financial news are like business people.

Speaker 2 But then they also have this whole other market for just rubes, I guess.

Speaker 2 Peaceable. Right, exactly.
And it doesn't sell anything.

Speaker 2 It's funny all this stuff goes on. And then, like, yeah, he does comedy, too.
Oh, good. But it's like a type of guy.
He's like an internet marketer, self-promoter. Yeah.
Yeah. He's like a P.T.

Speaker 2 Barnum for the digital age. Yeah.
You know that cars are a little bit more. Car salesman, like influencer guy who said that, like, anyone who works for me has to have a six-pack.

Speaker 2 He's like, looks like a Marine. Oh, I love that guy.
Yeah, he yells at me. Andy something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's my favorite.
He's like, you want to know why you're not selling cars?

Speaker 2 Because you're a fucking push.

Speaker 2 Yellow bitch. He does like sales conferences.
And then it'll be like, the guy will be just upset. And it's just a car dealership.
Yeah, Army style yellow dealers. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 But then he's not like a veteran. there was that video that went viral of him being like, when I enter a room, my wife knows I'm a predator.
Then I'm going to meet up sometimes.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, she lives in fear when I come home. Yeah, no, she hides behind the couch when I enter the home.
Yeah, yeah. Andy, car salesman.
I don't know what you're hearing. What is his name?

Speaker 2 If you work for me, you need to have a six-pack.

Speaker 2 What does he say? Andy Elliott. Six-pack, or you're fired.
Andy Elliott. Six-packer, you're fired.
The viral CEO.

Speaker 2 Andy Elliott. this is someone reacting.

Speaker 2 We live in a world where there's reaction videos. Look at his picture, dude.

Speaker 2 You don't sell that, Honda.

Speaker 2 You're a gay man. Yeah, wait, wait, yeah.
This is it.

Speaker 3 Team, if you don't have a six-pack, you don't work for us.

Speaker 3 No, I know.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 3 It's called everybody, say, standard.

Speaker 2 How about we raise them?

Speaker 2 How about we raise them?

Speaker 2 How about we raise them?

Speaker 2 How about you guys quit getting civilized and you guys quit settling?

Speaker 2 You know, there's some

Speaker 3 shroom that said, ah, I would sue my

Speaker 3 company if they told me I had to have a six-pack.

Speaker 2 We know you would.

Speaker 3 That conversation was for the woman personals. That wasn't for you.

Speaker 2 The bikers.

Speaker 2 He's gonna see that clip and he's gonna show up over there with a sawed-off shotgun. I'm gonna fucking beat his ass if he comes here.
That'd be awesome. That'd be so bad for his brand.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm gonna lick his six-pack after he's lying dead on the floor. Run your tongue over the ridges.
I'm gonna

Speaker 2 parrot. Adam got in trouble for saying the F slur recently.

Speaker 2 No, he didn't. Yeah, he did.
So he's

Speaker 2 he's been

Speaker 2 a joke where he's gay

Speaker 2 until I cover up because he's been in trouble for

Speaker 2 I am doing that. Yeah, it's a smokescreen? I'm making a joke where that I'm gay, but in reality I'm just gay.
All right. That's good.
Yeah, where it's like I'm going there, but

Speaker 3 it's disrespectful to not give them your best.

Speaker 3 But I don't know how many of you have had someone believe in you so much they took money out of their own pocket to make sure that you become a better person.

Speaker 2 Pretty f ⁇ ing cool, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 3 Okay, so number one, I want everybody to clear their f ⁇ ing mind right now. Clear their ego.

Speaker 3 Clear any distractions you have going on in your head. Clear what the f ⁇ you're thinking about out because it doesn't matter.
This next hour,

Speaker 3 everything that I will tell you will be the blueprint for you to become and create the life that you want.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean his whole thing is like what if John Cena wrote Glen Gary Glenn Ross?

Speaker 2 That's what this guy is. It is kind of like

Speaker 2 it's very much like the Rogan effect on like the world. It's like a David Goggins.
It's like yeah, you have to be told that you're a pussy. If you listen to it, you need to be broken so I can fix you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, or the Tate effect almost. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate.
Yeah. The Jeff Tate effect.
What happened to Jeff Tate?

Speaker 2 He couldn't afford new gloves, so he had to quit too, right? Is that true? No.

Speaker 2 He wore the fingerless gloves. Oh, did he? Yeah, Polk used to call him Big Gay Okerson.
I didn't know he wore fingerless gloves. Yeah.
He didn't when I knew him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when he, since we're talking about Cincinnati, Jeff Tate? Yeah. Very funny.
Yeah. Yeah, funny guy.

Speaker 2 He was like one of those guys that was like a guy that could stay where he's at and also be a headliner. Yeah, everyone respected him enough to give him work.
Yeah. Yeah, he did a good job.

Speaker 2 And that was like a rare thing when I was, I'm talking like 2008, 2009. You know, he was one of those guys that come by.
He was like the pride of Cincinnati. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like whenever anyone went to Cincinnati or Kentucky, it was Tate Tate would be on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I think he was fingerless. I don't remember him being.

Speaker 2 I do remember one time it was very funny is, and I said that we wouldn't say his name on the show anymore, but Jeff Tate came through Austin and he was on on stage and Seth Cockfield was just shitting all over him to Mike McRae.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He's like, he's like, what's the deal with this guy? This guy stinks.
You know, P.U.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Seth's just mock because, you you know seth just talks shit about anyone that's not within your shot and so whoever will listen yeah and so he's doing doing that and mike's like ah yeah you know because mike's a nice guy so he's like not even i guess saying anything

Speaker 2 and then yeah i guess fucking jeff gets off stage and goes up to mike he's like dude you know they're old friends and seth just

Speaker 2 crumbles yeah yeah that's why i quit talking shit backstage because everybody's pals no one cares that i would bury them all no i i kill it it. I thought it was because you got fat.

Speaker 2 What's that? I thought it was because you got fat. No, I've started fat.
Oh. I'm actually, I've lost 30 pounds.

Speaker 2 Which is truly. An indictment.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You guys heard this chair? You used to have long blonde hair. I did.

Speaker 2 You had a California look. I did.
Yeah. I used to show up with a surfboard.
Kind of a surfboard. School's out.
Yeah. School's out for summer.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Those were good gigs.
I worked a lot in Hawaii and Guam. Yeah, yeah.
You had a stage name? Yeah, yeah. What was it? It was that.
That boy talking, run, go, tell him.

Speaker 2 That boy talking, run, go, tell him. That is kind of a surf-style name.
Yeah, it is kind of a mahalo-style. Hey, green bottle beer, bro.
Yeah, yeah. Locos only.
Right, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's tough to hump the stool on the board. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Has a comedian ever married the stool?

Speaker 2 They just fucking. Look how your eyes lit up.

Speaker 2 Look at Nick's face. I'm not sorry.
mouth.

Speaker 2 He's swallowing blood. He looks like Tony.
I'm just dented. I'm just in pain.

Speaker 2 Sometimes Nick looks at me like the scene of Sopranos where AJ's laughing at AOL Instant Messenger and Tony's in the hallway and he's just staring at his son. Yeah.
Sometimes he's having fun online.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I catch Nick and he's for fun.

Speaker 2 Well, it's because it'll be like there will be a problem to solve around here. Yeah.
Like something will be broken. Right.
And then I'll have to fix it.

Speaker 2 And I'll be working on it for like two hours. Yeah, a little problem.
And then he'll come in and he'll just be like... He's created the problem.
He'll be like,

Speaker 2 can't you just do like,

Speaker 2 what's it like, like they call it like a proxy?

Speaker 2 And he'll just say a word. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Like, what if we rigged it? One time he'll say that.

Speaker 2 What if we got a solid state proxy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Kind of maybe on a VPN. SST, black flag.
It's funny, yeah. We lost our editor and he's like...
I hope you find him. Yeah, come on.

Speaker 2 And so now we're once again scrambling to get to it. That make the show barely function.

Speaker 2 And then Adam calls me last week. He's like, and if it comes to it, if it has to, fuck it.
I'll learn.

Speaker 2 This is what happened last time. I'll learn how to edit videos.
I didn't say that. He says it as if it's this major sacrifice.
No, I didn't.

Speaker 2 He's such a piece of shit. This guy is just fueled by, like, he's got a black heart.
This guy. Literally, I said that a year ago.
I said,

Speaker 2 I'll just like, I was like, do you have an extra product key for the editing software? I chuckled because I know he won't do it.

Speaker 2 And then he went on the podcast and he's like, You will never be able to, you don't have that skill set.

Speaker 2 You will never be able to do it. And then, and then

Speaker 2 last and then on the phone last week, on the phone last week, you're like,

Speaker 2 the fact that you treat that as such a sacrifice that you make. I was like, you belittled me in public for expressing interest in that.
Yeah. But I also said that I'm not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 And it hurt my feelings. Sure, they're on the desk.
No one did it. No one edited the interview.

Speaker 2 He laughed in my face.

Speaker 2 Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
The grand madame. Have you learned that? He was in a kimono.

Speaker 2 He had a fucking

Speaker 2 olive green face mask on. His hair was in curlers.

Speaker 2 Have you learned Da Vinci Resolve? You are just the lady from Sunset Boulevard.

Speaker 2 You are just, I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
That is what, that is, that's this gentleman over here.

Speaker 2 You can't even steal. He's a me.

Speaker 2 That's how bad you are. You can't refer to me.
He's a meme. meal.

Speaker 2 The easiest reference of all time. Oh, the easiest.
Oh, and the easiest reference of all of you.

Speaker 2 You're like the lady from the movie with...

Speaker 2 Yeah, the most famous movie character of all time.

Speaker 2 More famous than James Bond. DeMille.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're like the woman who wants to kill all the freaking puppies in the

Speaker 2 101 dogs. Trumpet DeMilo.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The dog, 101 dogs. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't fucking. They're on my side.
I didn't say that.

Speaker 2 I believe in that side. They're on my side.
But we're all going to say we're on Nick's side on this. So harass me online.
Tell me that Nick's right. But we all know that we got to.

Speaker 2 Team Adam, hashtag Team Adam. You didn't bring this up.
You're telling me. You brought it up.
No, you're trying to pull me up. You brought it up.

Speaker 2 They're like, you're like, he's like, this guy looks at me with such contempt for no reason. I'm like, well, there is a reason.
No, no. Because there's a problem that he created.

Speaker 2 I didn't create that problem. There are problems that are created.
Maybe he creates and then he tells me that

Speaker 2 it's everyone else's fault. Let me know.
I'll be the only one who's got a lot of people. Everything being disorganized this morning.
I was gone. I wasn't even here.

Speaker 2 I wasn't even here. How is that my problem? How is that my fault? How did I create that problem? I had to make it something

Speaker 2 on last Friday. It was cool.
Really very cool thing. That was on Friday? Yeah.
Not today's Monday, though. So cool.

Speaker 2 You saw the picture. I did, yeah.

Speaker 2 I did, yeah. Anyway, guys.
I'm still reeling. I don't need Blue Chew after that photo.
You got a hard one right now? No. I stuffed for that interview.
Did you? Yeah. It's a little Easter egg.

Speaker 2 You stuffed? I said it as a joke. Just in case? No, I said it as a joke to my friend Hunter.
I'm going to do an interview stuff. Yeah.
It's like, you got to do it for this one.

Speaker 2 Hey, man. Whatever your process is, I'm all for it.

Speaker 2 It would be funny if you got canceled for that. For wearing a prosthetic piece.

Speaker 2 I did it. And then you have to go to court and you're like, show him the real world.
I did it explaining the TMZ. It was a joke.
I didn't stuff. I didn't stuff.
I was

Speaker 2 joking just now. I was doing a comedy.
I was like, I was doing sexually harassed. I was doing comedy.
I thought it would be funny. There was no sexual harassment.

Speaker 2 That woman that I booked on my show in my position of power. First girl.
Anyway, guys. Do you play video games?

Speaker 2 I've been playing Spider-Man 2. Dude, I beat it.
I've been back into Battlefield 1. Yeah.
And the servers are still up. That game is fucking, it's so good.
The Star Wars one?

Speaker 2 No, Battlefield was World War I. Okay.

Speaker 2 yeah dude Miles is so stressed out he can't do his essay for hip-hop college I know dude he's so stressed he's telling me what the story is in his game it is so depressing

Speaker 2 they're like yeah I'm going to DeVry to get my certificate certification in fucking network I want to become a welder yeah very good you know you want to

Speaker 2 university yeah I'm trying yeah I'm trying to learn the thing that you're doing

Speaker 2 in the software suite his girlfriend is a deaf girl who tags yeah she's deaf and then there's a mission where you have to save a dying homeless guy's pigeon. That's a beautiful mission.

Speaker 2 But there's now you come back and he's dead on the stretcher. I got kind of choked up.
Really? Yeah, it was sad. Well, you wanted her to get choked up on your stuff, right? The deaf tagger?

Speaker 2 Absolutely. If she was real, that's mine.
I started playing The Last of Us 2, which I'd never played. Oh, that's a good game.
Oh, it's cool because it's Austin. Yeah.
And it looks like Austin. Wow.

Speaker 2 The beginning, the very beginning part. Right.
You're like, oh, wow, I feel like I'm on my way to San Marcus.

Speaker 2 On a bastard. Yeah, everything I've always wanted.

Speaker 2 Do you do Rogan in the game? It was pre-Rogan. This game came out 10 years ago.
Before Rogan took it. So it's back when comedy was so controlled by the real comics, aka

Speaker 2 guys that have had the same 10 minutes for a decade.

Speaker 2 I hear that those guys are real territorial.

Speaker 2 The guys that were there before the LA rush. Yeah.
Feel like... Look, I don't know anything about it.
We're the real

Speaker 2 Austin comedy scene. Yeah, I mean, it's like, it's either, it seems like it is now either the Rogan guys that everybody thinks are fascists.
It's making everyone flinch on the streets. Right.

Speaker 2 Or the comedians that were spoiled by exposure to Comedy Central a decade ago that are angry. Who reducing their tapes at kickbuck coffee.
But either way, the real problem is

Speaker 2 Democrats. The tech industry.
What's that? Facebook? I don't know. I'm trying to weigh in.
Oh, yeah. I'm pretty removed.
There's a Sonic in my town. I spend a lot of time there.

Speaker 2 Do you have a Boston rival in your small town? You're like, I hate that guy. No.
I'm the guy who walks around town and I'm just waving to everyone. Are you popular?

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm reviled. I think there's a general, like, hey, there's that guy that just moved here.
Do you have like a aspiration for like taking down City Hall? Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I don't care about the local politics. I just want Sonic to keep the hot dogs a dollar all day.
Really? That's my cross. Yeah.
Yeah. I didn't really do anything when we did the special in Denver.

Speaker 2 It was so hot. Yeah.
That was like,

Speaker 2 that was burning. It was very good.
It was crazy how hot it was.

Speaker 2 It looked really pretty too oh this is special yeah oh I mean I'm talking about the heat no I know you weren't complimenting yourself I know you sorry this is not a Los Angeles comedy podcast

Speaker 2 bro when I put when that came out you're gonna have to you have to understand

Speaker 2 fire dude he was the face of the sun bro

Speaker 2 oh he's a New York guy an LA podcast yeah New York guy yeah

Speaker 2 these sweatpants are $800 yeah my accent a lot of people they can't figure out what it is it's actually specific to the the comedy stores.

Speaker 2 It's the belly room accent. It's a belly room accent.

Speaker 2 Everyone talks like that. It's sort of like the Bronx meets death.
Meet Haitian a little bit. A little stinky Haitian.

Speaker 2 A stinky Haitian guy is sort of what

Speaker 2 I'm coming from. Am I Dominican? I don't know.
But I'm selling tickets. Yeah, it's funny because, you know,

Speaker 2 that is the real pendulum. Because I was just talking with somebody the other day.

Speaker 2 We started at the same time, right? Mid, like 2005, 2005.

Speaker 2 And like, when I got into comedy, that's like when quote-unquote alt comedy was huge.

Speaker 2 And all the comedians starting out were like, there was this criticism you hear from like the comedy snobs in the scene where somebody would show up to do an open mic and it would be their first time.

Speaker 2 They'd do bad. And then the comics would be like, hmm, shit on them.
And then be like, yeah, this guy's probably thinking. He's like the funny guy around the office.
And he thinks he can do comedy.

Speaker 2 And it's like, yeah,

Speaker 2 that should be the prerequisite for doing comedy. Right, yeah.
It should be somebody fun to be around. Somebody that's fun to be around that people like at their awful job.

Speaker 2 Not a fucking, not a

Speaker 2 nerd snob that provides a family. That has never said one funny thing.

Speaker 2 Back when dudes were wearing a hoodie with a suit coat over it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, purple American apparel.

Speaker 2 And if it weren't for that, that eventually, I mean, I guess it kind of has overlap with the Chris Hardwick world of like just explicitly nerd comedy, which was mostly a smokescreen for raping women.

Speaker 2 Right. For unrepentant sex crime.
There's nothing nerdier than a sex crime. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right, exactly. That guy's a total dweeb.
There's a giant... You had Dorcas over there.

Speaker 2 There's a giant alley behind wherever At Midnight was filmed. That stands for lack of consent.

Speaker 2 And the reaction to that is like the LA sneaker guy comedy. It's like now comedy's got to be a...
MMA style. Yeah, a 47-year-old guy taking karate.
Cauliflower year. It was never cool.

Speaker 2 When it started, it was the furthest thing from cool. No, you should be like the best setup for a comedian culturally is like Kirk Van Houten.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 It's like a middle-class guy. Uh-huh.
He wants to borrow a feeling. Right, yeah.

Speaker 2 At first at a bar, maybe kind of annoying that he's talking to you, but you're like, oh, this guy's coming. He's fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't mind him. Yeah.
Yeah. Funny guy around the office.
That's all I want. Yeah, it shouldn't have been alphas.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It shouldn't have been alphas, and it shouldn't have been extremely bitter fascist nerds that just want to rape girls. Yeah.
I think that was also probably bad. UCB.

Speaker 2 What's UCB up to now? Are they still around?

Speaker 2 I think that they still have like that show. That show is back.
What was

Speaker 2 the big stand-up show that they did? Crash.

Speaker 2 What was it called?

Speaker 2 Laser Crash. Laser Awesome.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Cat Bacon Superfuck. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger.
Functropolis. Yeah, some crap.

Speaker 2 That's a fun era to go back and look at. It was like 2009 through 2012.

Speaker 2 Every show. That was making my bones.
There was a fake show, because somebody had a stand-up show just called Dog Shit.

Speaker 2 That's funny.

Speaker 2 Then every show was Holy Fuck for a while.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, Holy Fuck became what, Sleep Away Camp? I think so.
Is that the extension?

Speaker 2 But yeah, it's very much that branding of

Speaker 2 what now just looks like shirts from Target. Exactly.

Speaker 2 That now the two-for-ones at Spencer's were your show title. Are you guys ready to have a super awesome, fucking, super good time? Are we doing this? Super.
We're doing it. Are we doing it?

Speaker 2 Oh my god. You remember, are we doing it? Oh my god, yeah.

Speaker 2 Ooh, we're doing it.

Speaker 2 We're all splitting this check. I remember, yeah, you would go to said no one ever.
You would go to Open Mics in Los Angeles and like, and then not get on either, too. In like 2011.

Speaker 2 And, yeah, you'd watch comic after comic, and half of it is just like. So I I did a thing.
It's just fucking like it's that s singing thing. Did you get a different fucking Yeti?

Speaker 2 I had this one before you got the black one. You Yeti checking him?

Speaker 2 I bought him a Yeti as a gift and he's lost it twice. It's out of it.

Speaker 2 Dude, I have two.

Speaker 2 Humble brag. That's one of the special colors, too.

Speaker 2 The black Yeti? No, that one. The green? Yeah.
Campfire green. Yeah.
When I went to Austin. Don't mix it up with the cookie.
When I went to Austin, they were like, you got Campfire green? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Brother? Chartreuse propane? Chartreuse one. That's a cool one.
That's a little too cool for me. What color is chartreuse? Is it green? Yeah, it's like serge.
I thought it was red my whole life. Nah.

Speaker 2 I thought it was like a wine red. It does.
It seems like it'cause it the name

Speaker 2 seems like it'd be like an old kind of

Speaker 2 sort of um you know. Yeah, like a drape color.
No, it's a very fun color. Yeah.
Yeah. Chartreuse.

Speaker 2 It's also a drink. Girl, I love chart juice.
Chartreuse. You got any shaw juice colored

Speaker 2 chart juice? You got anything that's shaw juice colored?

Speaker 2 It would be fun to go back to those shows, though, and like be kind of good.

Speaker 2 When I would do those shows in LA, I would be so concerned with doing well to impress all the L.A. comics who could never do a half hour in Wyoming.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 You know, you know, I'd be coming in renegade, wearing overalls, smelling terrible, and like trying to do jokes that work for oil miners and like Brookings.

Speaker 2 I would sit there and get blackout drunk about

Speaker 2 they're like, who's this guy? I'd be pacing like an animal in the alleyway, and then people would be like, what's up? I opened for you in Chicago. And I'd be like, leave me alone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a bad time. I had such a jock chip on my shoulder.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 About why? Because it was all nervous. Well, yeah.
And I'd be like, you guys could never do the shows that I've done. It's been

Speaker 2 absurd.

Speaker 2 Well, it was for me when I came in. But you're not a jock.
Me? Yeah. But I'm alpha.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.
No.

Speaker 2 I'm just a bad person. No, I'm a

Speaker 2 bad person. You're literally.

Speaker 2 Your notion of human character is so warped, and you're one of the finest people I've ever met.

Speaker 2 I'm okay. You're a man with a coat.
Okay. I think you're one of the few people with integrity in this business.
You really are. I don't even know.

Speaker 2 It really isn't that.

Speaker 2 It's easy to have integrity. That's what makes it tough.

Speaker 2 It's easy to have integrity when your principles are like

Speaker 2 not moral ones to begin with. You know what I mean? It's like everybody for themselves.

Speaker 2 When you're Machiavelli. Well, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, how could I not have integrity? Right. There's no principles that really have to be challenged.

Speaker 2 If it was like, if one of my principles was like, eat less than a sleeve of Oreos, I don't know. I probably wouldn't have integrity.
I have principles. Do you? Yeah.
Like what?

Speaker 2 He has vice principles on DVD.

Speaker 2 I'm a big fan.

Speaker 2 You ever do this one? Who's gay? And then your hand's up already? Do you ever

Speaker 2 do this one?

Speaker 2 Oh, kiss your own hand? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'd walk up to girls that open mics and be like, I'm courting you. And then kiss my own hand.
Yeah. They'd be like,

Speaker 2 that's rape to me.

Speaker 2 That's rape to me.

Speaker 2 I don't feel good. I got an ick.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ick is what they say now, right? They're into ick now. Yeah, it's like when I suddenly lost when I decided to cheat on my spouse.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because I've just decided that they're suddenly unattractive to me.

Speaker 2 You know what? I have my own ick. It's actually an urge to commit domestic violence.
So let me turn that into a meme.

Speaker 2 Oh, I got, oops, I got an ick.

Speaker 2 Oops, I caved your fucking orbital bone in because I had an ick. Why don't we turn that into a fun meme?

Speaker 2 Because what? I got a fucking bloody nose.

Speaker 2 Something completely out of my control.

Speaker 2 And you got something dry and you have some meme happening to your person.

Speaker 2 Well, how about that?

Speaker 2 They used to be into the dick. Now they're into the ick.
I would love to be a wheelchair-bound domestic abuser, my husband.

Speaker 2 Handquit you.

Speaker 2 There was a guy named Stephen HaHa Hunt who was in Albuquerque, and he was a wheelchair domestic abuser. Hell yeah.
His wife was in a wheelchair, and he just like dumped her down.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I meant I'm in the wheelchair. No, you're bound.
I'm the wheelchair.

Speaker 2 I'm in the wheelchair.

Speaker 2 How about a movie, like, you know, Homeward Bound, a movie called Wheelchair Bound? And it's about a handicapped guy that can talk.

Speaker 2 He's trying to get to the mall. He's trying to get his wheelchair.
But his accessories are. His family left him.

Speaker 2 He's on the shoulder of a highway. Yeah, because he can't quit saying the N-word at Ruby Tuesdays.
It has nothing to do with the chair. But he saw hell in Da Nang.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 That was sad how we just, those guys just had to go wheeling around after that crap. After Vietnam? Yeah, they just wheeled around.

Speaker 2 Is the VA good or bad?

Speaker 2 I think it helps with a lot. It doesn't offer enough mental health shit.
If you have your foot blown off, I'll give you a cool stump protector.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like a techie VA. I've never been able to gauge whether the VA is a good thing or a bad thing.
It's, you know what pisses me off is the people who are like,

Speaker 2 we got to save the troops. We love the troops and we got to donate to this charity because, you know, America's not taking care of them.

Speaker 2 It's like, well, if we cared about the troops, wouldn't the government step up? We shouldn't have to do like a fucking weenie roast in a parking lot to get $600 together to cover up a guy's face scar.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that they should get health care the rest of their lives, but I don't think they're going to get it. They should get a pussy appointment every two months.
But the VA only does sex changes now.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I feel like you should get rid of the VA, but they get to keep their weapons.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They should have a bandola in their chair. Or a fucking Apache helicopter.

Speaker 2 If I had my skin burned off and I had to pay for my own garage. I sleep in the back.

Speaker 2 But I got to keep my fucking sub, that'd be awesome.

Speaker 2 I think they would all take that trade-off. Mr.
Private Mullen, why couldn't you make it to your appointment? I'm private, and I have my own nuclear subscriber.

Speaker 2 It was subparking.

Speaker 2 I don't understand why he has access to those type of codes.

Speaker 2 Damn, should I rewatch A Hunt for Red October? I watched it recently. Yeah.
Mad Good. Yeah.
Do you know what's actually very boring that I remember being better? Crimson Tide? Das Boot. Oh, Das Boot.

Speaker 2 Remember Hamburger Hill? No. That's a good Vietnam movie.
Oh, okay. Well, we were doing submarine movies.
I'm doing submarine sandwiches after this. Okay.
All right. You know it's a very good one.

Speaker 2 You know what I would invest in? Periscope down. You know what I would invest in?

Speaker 2 Hot investment tip based on nothing but a feeling.

Speaker 2 And it's on the Toronto Exchange, not New York.

Speaker 2 How do you get on that one? That's the same thing. If you have a brokerage account, I think you can buy Canadian stocks.
Okay. The company that owns Blimpy.

Speaker 2 Like Blimpy's do for a comeback. Blimpy's on the rise? I think it is.
Huh. That's your petty stock option.
I think Gen Z is going to find out that it's not just the pedophile sandwich company.

Speaker 2 Because now the people that Subway Jared fucked are coming of age.

Speaker 2 And they're going to need subs. Well, there's going to be more of a pushback in Subway.
Everyone thought the fallout was when Subway Jared got...

Speaker 2 Arrested, but that was all just the fat pieces of shit that were probably molesting kids to begin with themselves. Subway's client-based.

Speaker 2 But now his victims are of age, and they want cheap sandwiches. They're going to need sandwiches.

Speaker 2 And I guarantee you, Gen Z, TikTok, in six months, they're going to say, what the fuck is Blimpy? There was another, there was another competitor. And it's also yellow somehow? Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's basically the same restaurant. Yeah, but a lot more shredded lettuce.
That's all I remember was the shredded lettuce. And they soaked it in oil and vinegar.
It was good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was a fine sandwich. It was good.
Because Quiznos isn't really it. Quiznos was always kind of more...
Colorado company.

Speaker 2 Quiznos was more in competition, and this is going to sound wild, but with Panera than Subway. Because of the toasting.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, if you wanted a hot sandwich, you went to Quiznos.

Speaker 2 If you wanted a wet, cold, foot-long Subway Blimpy. Yeah.
I'll tell you my favorite one. Hit me.
Cabriatti. Eating a child's diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Is that what your favorite? You know? You're wringing out a diaper into your open mouth? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Adam is the most

Speaker 2 AIDS pedophile of all. Holocaust AIDS diaper.

Speaker 2 Man arrested for eating, stealing children's diarrhea.

Speaker 2 The diaper scooper strikes again. Prolapse AIDS.

Speaker 2 Holocaust diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. He's just been eating children's feces and jacking off to it.
Yeah, he's like collecting trash without a license. He has to pay a fine.
The Atlantic's like, this man has sexually abused

Speaker 2 it. Why isn't he in jail?

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, it turns out a slow day is the day where they have the mentally disabled man write all the articles.

Speaker 2 It's every Friday at the Atlantic. And he's on to me.
He's on to the stage.

Speaker 2 He's on my poop station.

Speaker 2 He connects with you. Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Freezer,

Speaker 2 I've been waiting for this day.

Speaker 2 You'll never get me. Master.

Speaker 2 Scooter.

Speaker 2 Augie's a funny one. Augie is cute.
You know, yesterday was the anniversary of Dale Earnhardt. Wow.
23 years. That's what you were trying to say in Chinese earlier.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Wow. I got it.
Yeah, I think about it sometimes. Yeah.
Because you know what's weird? I always considered Dale Earnhardt to be the South's 9-11.

Speaker 2 But I forgot that Dale Earnhardt happened before 9-11. Yeah.
So in a lot of ways, 9-11 was revenge for Dale Earnhardt. That's when the South rose again.
Well, it was like everybody down.

Speaker 2 Everyone was making fun of people for crying over Dale Earnhardt dying. And then it's like, oh, yeah, well, here go your fucking ju a building.
Yeah, you Yankees, yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Muhammad Atta was a good old boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he loved number three. He loved the Intimidator.
Yeah. What was his name? The Intimidator.
I think s

Speaker 2 I think, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 Was that it? I can't claim to be an expert on NASCAR trivia. I don't know anything about that.
Sorry. Number three.
Number three. Number three.

Speaker 2 Babers.

Speaker 2 Hail Dale. Hail Dale.

Speaker 2 All right, Dale. We miss you.
Dale, we're thinking about you every day.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Let's watch this thing. Okay, I think I'm going to go home.
No, Nick, come on, just watch it.

Speaker 2 I got Snoopy on here. Snoopy.
It's cool. We think it's cool.

Speaker 2 And so, like, to make up when you're awake. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he seems to always be doing the stuff that I need to be doing. Like, he's roller skating right now.

Speaker 2 No, but I mean, he'll be working. He's on a climbing wall.

Speaker 2 He's having dinner with us.

Speaker 2 I think a nice thing that

Speaker 2 Sam's idea to finish off the show is you've made a lot of disparaging remarks about my character in this episode. I think just an

Speaker 2 apology or like

Speaker 2 my idea.

Speaker 2 You just text me that he loves

Speaker 2 at he texts me you text me you said yeah let's close it off with Nick saying that I was just kidding

Speaker 2 imagine that this is also

Speaker 2 you'll be able to everything will be text message

Speaker 2 can you imagine what you'll be drive car and instead of it's hello hello

Speaker 2 you you've got mail

Speaker 2 Can you believe what that is to do that? Well, here's your check, Mr. Patel.
I'm Neil Patel, and may I have $50, please to get back to the hotel.

Speaker 2 May I please do your podcast? And it's never from them. It's like Mr.
Patel is one of the most successful Wall Street Journal. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he's been in Forbes. Yeah.
Everyone.

Speaker 2 Well, it's because there's people that freelance for all of those publications and then there's a website you can go to if you're a loser to be like, you can write an article about me.

Speaker 2 Here's most of the information. The reporter takes it.
They just put like, today I spoke to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then they send it to Wall Street Journal, they get a hundred bucks, right?

Speaker 2 And then it's like, you know, you can do that. That was a whole term.

Speaker 2 You can easily do it. Yeah, 10 years ago.
PR is a vestigial tale falling off slowly.

Speaker 2 Thanks for watching, everyone. We'll be back next week.

Speaker 2 Go see Nick this weekend. Yeah, please come out in Nashville.
I got to sell these tickets. Oh, God.
I was worried about it. Columbus ended up being, everybody was nice.
And Magoobies, this is.

Speaker 2 Magoobies come to come to fucking governors. Come to Desert Ridge Improv.
You guys done that room yet? Governor's

Speaker 2 fucking. Governor's, we had the best night ever.
Yeah, really? It's only because the owner is. The owner is amazing.
The shows themselves, they forget.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the guy who owns that club is awesome. He is.
Have you met him? You gotta talk to him. Oh, my God.
He's incredible. Yeah.
I'm stoked. Yeah, no, he's awesome.
All right. Thanks a lot, guys.