The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 34

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Speaker 2 okay welcome to the adam freelance show pro uh podcast we've had a hell of a week here at the studio we had a technical issue with the dmx controllers and the lights which held us up two days and now nick is debilitatingly sick so we're gonna do one of those podcast things where we're gonna do one hour on the free feed and then if you want to switch over, because this shit is going to be cooking, when the cast of the original Adam Friedland show gets together,

Speaker 2 history gets made.

Speaker 2 And then we'll switch over to the Patreon side for the second half hour of this intense political conversation. We have Ian Finance and Mike Racine here today.
Ian

Speaker 2 is going to be representing more of a conservative side.

Speaker 2 Conservative but

Speaker 2 non-racist conservative side. And then Mike is going to be presenting

Speaker 2 more of a

Speaker 2 progressive but racist side of things.

Speaker 2 I think that that's kind of an interesting divide. A lot of people want to think of

Speaker 2 politics as

Speaker 2 polar, and I think that you could actually, you could have a

Speaker 2 you know, a wide, diverse array of opinions, and you don't put people in one of two boxes. Ian's told me this plenty of times when it comes to gender issues.
I think that, is that correct?

Speaker 2 It's not binary? Correct. Correct.
Okay. So I think for,

Speaker 2 you know, like just because Mike is a progressive doesn't mean that he can't have some opinions on a couple minority groups

Speaker 2 that we don't have to share today. And just because

Speaker 2 you happen to be kind of an alt-right, kind of more of like an intellectual dark. No, I think logically and fucking normal.
Yes.

Speaker 2 That doesn't mean that you don't also engage in

Speaker 2 some high-risk

Speaker 2 sexual behaviors with if there's one thing about me to know it's that I go there

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 so returning once again is the original cast of the Adam Friedland show I think this happened right at the end of the old come town days it was yes a smash hit and then we had one audio episode uh before we got the camera set up which was the three of us after we got the studio is that correct yes okay great great to have you guys here i need to start a timer because we have an ad read coming up but um

Speaker 2 let's talk.

Speaker 2 I want to talk to you about the right before the show started, Ian had suggested that Michael over here

Speaker 2 get a tattoo of his wife's name

Speaker 2 as a means of what?

Speaker 2 What would the benefit be for that? Why not?

Speaker 2 How about you describe? Why not?

Speaker 2 Tell me. Why not? Tell me an argument.
There's one concrete reason why not, to not get a tattoo and to go one one further and get one with your wife's name, the woman you love. Yeah.

Speaker 2 In old script, American traditional, that'd be hard as hell. Deb.
That's fucking hard. What's American traditional script? What is this?

Speaker 2 Like this.

Speaker 2 Like this. It's

Speaker 2 American.

Speaker 2 That looks literally like an airbrush t-shirt at the mall, like a Mexican t-shirt. Yeah, there's a reason why you see it everywhere because it's a classic design.

Speaker 2 It's been around for hundreds of years. It'll be around for a hundred more.

Speaker 2 Classic, bright, bold, beautiful colors yeah they call it the 2020 rule brother you'll see it in 20 years and from 20 feet away come on now either of you guys had family members who have died where yes where there was a t-shirt made for the funeral or is that just i'm not black that's a african that's african-american

Speaker 2 i don't know i don't see why you couldn't do that no i i'm i'm only i'll i'll i'm gonna interject that's not a black thing that's a poor thing poor people do that really

Speaker 2 because i have been to funerals of of uh

Speaker 2 back in in delaware of like um like white trash and they were t-shirts drug addicts and we all had uh makeshift t-shirts airbrushed in memory of you know and do you still so it's not like a black thing it's or like a race thing it's a poor people thing it's a poor so see ian even though he's a member of the intellect intellectual dark web he happens to not be very intelligent what he's making is a materialistic

Speaker 2 that is a marxist materialist analysis that you're making right now

Speaker 2 what is this Every time I get insulted,

Speaker 2 please get this. You're getting sprayed.
Ian. Okay.
Also, our friend Ian, if you don't know him,

Speaker 2 he's in recovery. And that is coming up on nine.
I wasn't

Speaker 2 up for eight years. Thank you.
Let's give it up for eight years. Thanks, boom.

Speaker 2 Hey, I got eight years.

Speaker 2 Really, what I got is just today, brother. I used to be addicted to this.
When I was teaching, I missed parent-teacher conferences because I stopped by PC Richards. Really? I brought it back in there.

Speaker 2 Really blessed. Where did you teach? You brought that with you?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I went home and was like, I'm just going to do dust for a minute.

Speaker 2 Oh, did you bring that with you? No, no, no. I found a bunch of stuff in the office.
Wait, wait, wait. I also found a butt plug in the office.
Or no, a douche in the office.

Speaker 2 No, that is for camera lenses to get dust off a camera. Oh, I bet it is queer.

Speaker 2 Is that, do they use that in the queer community? Don't. From your experience.
Act like you don't know.

Speaker 2 Yes, you fill it with water, you shove it up your ass, you give it a spray, and it cleans you out.

Speaker 2 So What are we talking about here?

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 2 Where'd you get this? It's for cleaning our camera. We have these vintage camera lenses that we got from from actually they're French lenses, but we got

Speaker 2 this is in Ukraine. What this is a douche

Speaker 2 we call it in the biz a freight lens. When you see a douche, you know, I see a piece of equipment for a small business that I'm running.

Speaker 2 So, you know, that's it might be a some people's ass is a small business that their own only fans. Certainly true.
Certainly true.

Speaker 2 I think last time we did the show together, I made Ian show me his OnlyFans. Yes.
And it was actually a very nice, like, kind of Kinseyan spectrum. It was very diverse.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because it was like, it was chicks and then

Speaker 2 with the penises and then just fellas jacking off. Uh-huh.
Shout out Lil Baby Anthony who got a sex change and now they are a sissy pussy. Uh-huh.
I no longer subscribe.

Speaker 2 Oh, I was going to ask if you were still. Yeah.
No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Wait, they had the bottom surgery? She's just fucking pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop paying for your pussy.

Speaker 2 When a transsexual gets

Speaker 2 bottom surgery,

Speaker 2 do men that are attracted to them, do they, are they less attractive? Like, is it, did they, have they gotten rid of it? I don't speak for anyone but myself. But yourself, personally.

Speaker 2 I have gone on dates with women that have had bottom surgery. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 dated women that have had penises. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But for your like I like female to male

Speaker 2 trans women, whether they have a cock or not. I do not like male to female

Speaker 2 male to female trans women. Yeah.
Whether they have a penis or a vagina. I prefer the penis and the boobs.
Yeah. But

Speaker 2 that was my question. I have not dated or been interested in female to male because I enjoy femininity and

Speaker 2 you know when you see an old picture of like Paul Newman at a civil rights rally? That's what you're gonna look like in like 40 years. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, he's classic. Yeah, he's a good guy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you for the compliment. You know, he was in the front row of that James Baldwin William Buckley debate.
No.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Buckley got pissed and he was like, he called him a queer. He called Baldwin a queer.
And then afterwards, apparently Paul Newman was like, I'm going to beat this motherfucker's ass. I do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Cool guy. I'll fuck up.

Speaker 2 What were they debating? Because it was like the 60s. The American Negro or something.
You know, I was like, that's kind of what. What about it?

Speaker 2 I suppose it was like the, what it was, you know, whether it would sucked or was good for black people in America. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What sucked? Do you want to watch the Baldwin debate right now? Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, we could do that. No.

Speaker 2 So, I mean, my only question, going back to what I said before, back to the technology. Was like, if a girl gets it removed,

Speaker 2 are you less attracted? Or

Speaker 2 has she lost the money maker to some extent? Tattoo? No. No, the

Speaker 2 penis.

Speaker 2 No, I like women.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Whether they have a penis or not.
Okay. I will say, if

Speaker 2 chicks rule. Yeah.
Oh, captain, my captain.

Speaker 2 But if they have a...

Speaker 2 If

Speaker 2 I prefer

Speaker 2 here's the hierarchy

Speaker 2 vintage OG women next step that's your favorite women gal 2.0 woman with a penis

Speaker 2 down on the list

Speaker 2 super gal

Speaker 2 women woman with a man-made vagina and then men

Speaker 2 so this is kind of your Stephen A. Smith, ESPN power rankings.
Sure. I used to have a bit where I said woman with a penis, but now when I do that on stage, I'm like, is that not cool to say that?

Speaker 2 Because gives a shit. Say it.
Make it funny. I don't think it's worth it.
I mean... That's fine, right? Woman with a penis.
Yeah, that's fine. I don't know.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 say it. Be funny about it.
Yeah, you're right. You're not speaking from a place of.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't say it. You wouldn't.
Yeah, because it's funny. No, I just don't know what the rules are.
They change all the time. It doesn't matter, but rules were meant to be breaking.
Broken. Breaking?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Breaking the law. Breaking the law yeah yeah

Speaker 2 isn't it funny Judas Brees no one knew he was gay and he was like

Speaker 2 here's what we're gonna do we're all gonna wear this

Speaker 2 show on nipples everyone's like this is metal

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 have you seen a heavy metal parking lot the documentary

Speaker 2 About people that go to metal concerts. No, they're in the they're in a

Speaker 2 lot at Meriwether Post Pavilion in Maryland at a priest and docking show.

Speaker 2 And then there are girls, and it's all like, of course, mid-Atlantic accents. Oh, I love it.
If they're like, if I was with Rob Halford, I'd jump his bones.

Speaker 2 The guys or the girls? Girls, yeah. They had like no idea.
And then there's a really funny one where it's a guy making out with his girlfriend. He's like, she's 14.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really good.

Speaker 2 It's a really, really good. It's on YouTube, if you guys.
We used to be a proper country. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Well, I was actually, I was watching the last Christmas video of getting the Christmas spirit recently, and it's so funny that like George Michael, they like cast a girlfriend for him.

Speaker 2 And he's just like,

Speaker 2 people are like, oh, look at that. That's just a, that's just your average pimp.
Yeah. That's just your average.

Speaker 2 Man, look, we look at him and see him act, and we know he loves pussy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How did he die?

Speaker 2 What happened there? Did he have AIDS? No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 I mean, maybe. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 It's funny when sometimes gay guys will die, but not of AIDS. And it's like surprising.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 the guy that made Brent, the guy that made Rent, he didn't

Speaker 2 die of AIDS. But his whole thing was AIDS.
Yeah, his whole thing was AIDS, but he died of AIDS. It's not that he's gay.
It's that he made the AIDS play. He made the AIDS play.

Speaker 2 Was he gay? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think he might not have even been gay.

Speaker 2 He was just. Ian.

Speaker 2 He was just a cool fella.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, that was annoying. He's the guy with with a wife and kids.
Honey, what are you working on upstairs? That was annoying for me. Fantasizing.
I mean, writing the play.

Speaker 2 And he's working on his musical.

Speaker 2 When my mom. Danny, what's your play about? He's like, it's about dinosaurs.
He's got to lie to his family.

Speaker 2 When my mom passed, it was three months into COVID.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I had the thought almost immediately where I'm like, it's annoying that people are going to think it's

Speaker 2 that she's a coward,

Speaker 2 that she died of the... This is a fake death.
Yeah, like she was, well,

Speaker 2 she was copying.

Speaker 2 She was doing the popular thing. Yeah.
No, it was a brave brain cancer.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 they had to take the, you know, all the glory. Yeah.
All these old people. Did they count it as a COVID death? No.
Because that happened a lot. It did, yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? Yeah. Patted the numbers.
Did they? Do your research.

Speaker 2 Where did you get that?

Speaker 2 Where was that from? Where did you learn it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Totcom?

Speaker 2 No, it multiple times.

Speaker 2 Gorgasm.com. Gorgasm.
Did you ever hear that one? You got it from E-Fucked. I got it from E-Fucked.
Dude, E-Fucked brought so many

Speaker 2 ships together.

Speaker 2 I remember... Is that where they had like a...

Speaker 2 What's the... It was like fucked up porn, but the edits were unreal.
Like, do you remember the girl?

Speaker 2 You remember Rocco when he fucks that girl in the ass and then he makes her like blow him finish on his dick and he's like and she's like uh no and he goes come on he's the only dismals that was amazing he's a huge case he truly was a man of passion like rocco step forretti the male porn yo you know there's a documentary you're not i haven't seen what's wrong with you yeah i don't know you're not a man you're not like practicing my dad never taught me

Speaker 2 i mean it was just like i never learned about it there's a documentary about him yeah and the way he talks about fucking is just like as if like it's like one of those like like chef's table like Netflix documentaries.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. It's like a like the passion he has for fucking.
Have you seen it in this beginning? He's in the shower. It's black and white.

Speaker 2 The water's going slow and he goes, I knew from an early age I had the devil between my legs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he talks about how that old lady that old he fucked that old lady sucked his dick when he was a little kid. That's right.
Yeah. What is that story?

Speaker 2 It went nowhere. He's like, and then

Speaker 2 I was hard. And

Speaker 2 it was like his grandma or his grandma's friend. Yeah.
And there was a guy that I sucked my dick.

Speaker 2 There was a guy that I worked with. He was like, we were talking one time and he goes, yeah, I got my dick sucked when I was five.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 his babysitter sucked his dick.

Speaker 2 I'm like, you know. So many of my friends were molested and they pull it off as like

Speaker 2 a brag that like, yeah, I got, I fucked when I was 11, the babysitter. I'm like, Derek, you were molested.
Yeah. But is it worth it telling them?

Speaker 2 No, I don't think so. Right.
If they think that they were a pimp, and they don't live with like the shame, the shame, or like that they have to be in therapy about it, if they're like, it was awesome.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that can lead to very wild behaviors as an adult. And so like

Speaker 2 seeing how they act, it would be nice to connect the dots. But maybe that's why you grab women on the street.

Speaker 2 Okay, so yes. But if my in that case, then there's some repressed whatever, yada, yada.
But let's just say you're just your average Joe and you got your dick sucked at eight

Speaker 2 by a 17-year-old. You're a dial in the bathroom stall.
I mean, in my family, the family legend is my grandfather was very poor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so his family had to take boarders into their home, like in rent out rooms. And

Speaker 2 what I was told, I don't know if it's true, but when he was 12, he fucked a 22-year-old secretary. Okay.
And everyone's like, grandpa's.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Cool.
I don't think he was hitting. I don't think he he was grabbing.

Speaker 2 I would have loved to have sex with like my English teacher or, you know, the lady that worked at the doctor's office. I don't think that it would have been.
I would have thrown it out there.

Speaker 2 No one was taking it. I don't think it would have broken me.
And that's no, like, I'm not diminishing sex crime. Right.
But, like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it right to tell someone, like, no, you're actually.

Speaker 2 You're damaged. You've been damaged.

Speaker 2 You've been damaged ever since then. I think that that's probably not a nice thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Poor place.
Yeah, but here's the thing. If they're making fun of you for something and then

Speaker 2 it's a good comeback to say that they were raped. Yeah.
Okay, so I don't think it is. I don't think that's the, I don't think that's.

Speaker 2 I don't agree. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If it's a good snapback, then it's fine.

Speaker 2 And by the way.

Speaker 2 Yes. No, I don't think that's very nice.

Speaker 2 And, you know,

Speaker 2 it's tricky territory speculating on that. Sure.

Speaker 2 But I always thought it was cool. My grandfather got to say.
Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Speaker 2 What's cool back then can stand alone as cool and be something that like you don't have to condemn, but you can be like, well, we're not going to do that now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course

Speaker 2 the society changes and the rules change. That's why I wouldn't say a lady with penis because I don't know what the rule is.
Right. You know? But also, it's like,

Speaker 2 if you're coming from a good place,

Speaker 2 then what would you call her?

Speaker 2 It feels a little dated to say the lady with a penis. So what would you call her? A woman.

Speaker 2 A woman.

Speaker 2 She's a woman. If she wants to be a woman.

Speaker 2 Why do you have to say with a penis? Because that adds context. But it does also sound disrespectful.
Yeah, but

Speaker 2 why is it disrespectful

Speaker 2 to be honest about what someone is? Well, you just don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Certainly never.

Speaker 2 But what's your joke about them then? Maybe she doesn't want the penis. That's the thing.
It's like, what's your joke? So what's the joke? What's the joke? Good question.

Speaker 2 Okay, guys, we're going to get back to that joke shortly.

Speaker 2 Timer going off.

Speaker 2 Adam's little offensive time. Cold turkey.

Speaker 2 We might be in trouble.

Speaker 2 Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break bad habits. Ian, you know a lot about breaking bad habits.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And that's it's the guys, it is the hardest thing in the world to change. I mean, it really is.
Fume. It's fume.
Those fucking dicks shut up. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're not going to say that in the middle of a read, okay? Quit smoking. Yeah.
Yeah. It's not gay.
No, no, it's not that either. Here's what you get.
No, it's not that either. Okay, listen.

Speaker 2 We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor Ian. Okay, now you're smoking a cigarette.
Yeah. Okay, just leave it on me.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Fume.
Adam, can you put the air? Guess what? I did fume for a minute. It works.
Okay, Adam, we're going to give them a clean read.

Speaker 2 No, we're not. This is fun.
This is what they want. Here, argue for

Speaker 2 me. Cut his mic.

Speaker 2 Cut his mic. Do me a favor.
Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches. Cut my mic again.

Speaker 2 For the read. For the read.

Speaker 2 Cold turkey may be. Oh, I did a funny one for

Speaker 2 Mike. Give me the gun.

Speaker 2 Let me keep smoking. I didn't tell you to stop.
Give me the gun. Let him do his bit.
Give me the bit. Let me suck your dick.
No, let him do his bit, Ian. Do the bit.

Speaker 2 We did that joke on come to it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry. I don't know the canon of Come Tom.
No, just do it. Do this.
I'll do it to this.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no. Adam, your mic.
Your mic. I'll do it here.
Yeah, do it. Do it.

Speaker 2 All right. No, shut up.

Speaker 2 Okay. Can we get to a moment of, like, let's get a couple of beats before.

Speaker 2 Take that, Hamas.

Speaker 2 Hey, Hamas. Take Hamas.

Speaker 2 Hey, Hamas.

Speaker 2 It's funny, right? It's a Jew at war.

Speaker 2 It's an Israeli at war. Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break your bad habits.
We're not talking about some weird.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, let's do a clean one again.
From the gun. From the gun.
Good.

Speaker 2 From the gun. Cold turkey may be great on switching.
Put the cigarette out. And use fume, motherfucker.
Okay, cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's better.

Speaker 2 You're not smoking or your wife will keep keep having misconduct. This has nothing to do with smoking, okay? You cannot say that in the read.
Oh, but that's a reason why do you use fume?

Speaker 2 You want to dump in your wife and have a kid? You do not say the word,

Speaker 2 okay? And I need to take that out of the episode, actually, Adam. All right, shouldn't be doing this.
It's bad. I wish I had a reason to not do this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? Just give me, just give me 60 seconds and then we'll get back to the show. Would would

Speaker 2 would there Be a world in which I could one day quit doing this Adam we're not talking about s

Speaker 2 okay, we're talking about breaking bad habits, okay? All right

Speaker 2 Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there are better there are

Speaker 2 I Don't like cold turkey on sandwiches. I do you ever have a Bobby? Uh-huh.
You ever have a fucking Bobby from

Speaker 2 Capriotis in Delaware?

Speaker 2 I love capriotis. The capistrami, oh, dude.
It's amazing. The safety on this doesn't work, by the way.

Speaker 2 You know what's really gone downhill, those wah wah hot turkey sandwiches? They suck now. They used to be really, really good, and now they're trash.

Speaker 2 They've dipped in quality a lot.

Speaker 2 Sorry. It's okay.
I thought you were doing your ad.

Speaker 2 He's doing his hour?

Speaker 2 Apologies. Sorry.
Sorry. Cold turkey may be grin on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break your bad habits.

Speaker 2 We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor, like Kramer from

Speaker 2 Seinfeld. Oh, oh, that's good.
If I was Kramer from Seinfeld, it'd go a little something like this. 50 years ago, we'd have you hanging from a tree.

Speaker 2 I don't think the advertisers are like that.

Speaker 2 Come on, Adam.

Speaker 2 You know, if Kramer had a gun that night, it would have gone down.

Speaker 2 How would that have gone? It would have gone like this.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to do my act.

Speaker 2 I heard that that was like his act, though. Like,

Speaker 2 he would go into the show. He's trying to do a thing about like words.
Yeah. Where are you going? Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, get the gun.
Get the gun. You don't need me? Adam.

Speaker 2 You don't need me?

Speaker 2 You're not mad at me, though, right? I was just... No, I'm not mad at you.
It's Ian's fault. What the fuck, bro? What are you lighting on fire? It's incense.

Speaker 2 All right, whatever. Let's continue.
Why don't you get a tattoo? I guess I can get one.

Speaker 2 I can take you to my guy, R ⁇ D tattoo Ridgewood. You got to go.
Rich Fi, Daniel Strauss, Dave Marie.

Speaker 2 Oh, look who's back. Back again.

Speaker 2 I brought this for us. Because we're allowed to have it.
Oh, nice. Dude, get fucking ripped.
That would be so fun. You go to medieval times with your kids.
It's Christmas.

Speaker 2 Okay guys, cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there are better ways to break bad habits.

Speaker 2 We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor like Kramer from, I was going to say South Park. I don't know why.
Who wrote this?

Speaker 2 Did some fucking James Joyce. James Joyce wrote it.
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Speaker 2 That's interestingly enough, I don't like mayonnaise. That's Ian's.
Oh, yeah. Or come.
Huh. Oh.

Speaker 2 What? I can make a woman come. Uh-huh.
OG 2.0. Uh-huh.
No problem. Guys cannot make them come to save my life.
You can't make them. Make a guy come? Do you not believe that?

Speaker 2 Bro, I swear to God, do you know how useless you feel? Uh-huh. Just sucking on a ding-dong and it ain't happening.
It sucks.

Speaker 2 You're like, this should be the easiest thing in the world. Why are you not jizzing, Demariquis?

Speaker 2 That's his name.

Speaker 2 The first time I used fume. Are you still doing this? Yes.

Speaker 2 All right, we'll finish it up. We're trying to talk about sucking dick over here.
Yeah, we're getting to the bottom of things.

Speaker 2 All right, do you read some of the things? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Speaker 2 Go, go.

Speaker 2 The first time I used fume, it was more

Speaker 2 flavorful than I thought it would be, and it felt so fresh.

Speaker 2 Think of a refreshing herbal tea, but

Speaker 2 its vapor, we use the word vapor, not vape, was compared to sticky soda. Fume flavors would compare to herbal tea.
Not as sweet, but a lot more natural.

Speaker 2 I love how you're like, you're ruining the ad read, and then you read it like it's a suicide note.

Speaker 2 Because I know, because the show guys here i'll do it like like one of your famous guests can i be reading

Speaker 2 fume's the one that saves it who's that stevo stevo that was not a famous guest

Speaker 2 he hated here i'll read it as norman finkelson guys

Speaker 2 guys

Speaker 2 do you want to the product here i'll read it like rfk that's one of the worst

Speaker 2 what's that was that was a terrible rfk terrible finkel scene oh okay guys here i'll read it like i'm on the sixth trade it's no motherfucker need to use fume

Speaker 2 who's that supposed to be? Some black guy.

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Speaker 2 And we're back to the show. So guys, how's it been going?

Speaker 2 So guys,

Speaker 2 so we were talking about eating ass, okay?

Speaker 2 We were talking talking about they're not advertising with us again after that.

Speaker 2 If they're wrapping up. Whatever.
You guys are rich. No, the show is failing, legitimately.
Really? We're probably going to be out of money in like a couple of months.

Speaker 2 Is that why you're not paying us today? You're not. Maybe Mike.
Well, Mark, come on.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm sending an invoice as soon as I get out of here. I already sent it.
You did?

Speaker 2 Oh, is that bad? What are you drinking? Just calling Nick, like, hey, you want to get lunch? I'm really hungry. Fogo de Chal.

Speaker 2 I have drinks. So it's a holiday time, so I have a little bit of Casamigo's tequila.
This is, of course, George Clooney's tequila. You want some mean? You fancy.
You want to smell it? Take it? No. So

Speaker 2 you're a big fan of Clooney, obviously. He has a house in Italia, in Lake Cuomo.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've always thought that you kind of had a lot of, in your personal style, like a George Clooneyist. Take it to the face.
Thanks. Do people say that to you? Twisted from the bottle again.

Speaker 2 I'll sleep till I'm dead. What is that? Warren Zvon.

Speaker 2 I thought it was... Motor oil and bombay gin.

Speaker 2 No, drink it from the bottle. From the bottle? Yes.

Speaker 2 Bro, I don't want to get sick. I don't get Adam sick.

Speaker 2 Are you sick? No. Well, there you go.
I don't want to.

Speaker 2 Ian, have you ever Shazammed your own fart and found your favorite U2 song?

Speaker 2 That's a good joke. Yeah, I was just thinking.

Speaker 2 So, guys, what else is going on? So, you have a growing family now? You have one son. How old is he now? He's two and a half.

Speaker 2 Have you given any thought to what sports you'll be putting him in?

Speaker 2 He seems to like all of them. All of them.
So, yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he likes going to medieval times. But let's be honest here.
Look at your size. How big are Deb's brothers?

Speaker 2 She doesn't have any biological brothers, but she's a sister. She's got a sister.
She's got a sister. She has a sister.
Yeah. Who's what? 6'4, 2'8? Yeah, about 600 pounds.
Yeah, 600 pounds.

Speaker 2 Shut up, really? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 What about the men in her family? What kind of stock are we talking about?

Speaker 2 Her dad is

Speaker 2 old. Her dad's like 75 years old.
Okay, so his body is old. Yeah.
So you think Benjamin's gonna have an old body?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what kind of answer was that? You actually weren't going to stop. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I should find out.

Speaker 2 You don't know. I have a lot of friends that have young families.

Speaker 2 There was a bit of a baby boom around COVID, around the time Ben was born. And some of my friends are like, yeah, we're going to NBA.
I'm like, we are Jewish. Like, there's no way.

Speaker 2 You have to be realistic about what sport you put him in. And then you have to psychologically manipulate him and destroy him from within.
Yeah. Kind of like Earl Woods.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, I was talking about Earl Woods, Dan. I was talking about this recently with with Jamal.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Is he having a kid? Does he have a kid? Tiger? No, Jamal. No, no, but I'm saying we were talking about what we want for our sons.
And I'm like, I'm not, my boy's not going to NFL.

Speaker 2 He's not going on Sundays. You think you're going to have a kid? Absolutely.
A son. And he's not going to be trans.

Speaker 2 No. Good luck with that, pal.
That's the best Adam's going to do.

Speaker 2 It'll be like, you know, in like kids, you can tell kids are gay. You'll be able to tell Adam's kids trans.

Speaker 2 He'll just kid will dominate women's he'll sort he'll start grabbing scissors and just putting it towards his crotch

Speaker 2 we got to keep the scissors away from adam's son stopping their share construction

Speaker 2 we're saying you're gay

Speaker 2 i'm not gay you're saying my my son wants to remove his penis

Speaker 2 have you ever thought about if you're trans have you ever thought about like i've never had that urge to be like i'm a woman but sometimes i think would my life be easier? I did

Speaker 2 for your career. Put on my grandmother's jewelry as a kid.
You did? Yeah. And that was fun.
Yeah, my mom had to cancer me up like a girl. Yeah, and that was fun.
Dude, my parents would dress.

Speaker 2 My dad would dress as a woman and my mom would dress as a man for Halloween. Yeah.
And I think that's fun.

Speaker 2 Done some once a year. No, but like once a year.
That's like a kind of a reverse Freud, right?

Speaker 2 When I was a little boy and I'd act and I'd be whiny and I grew up, my parents would call me Ianetta

Speaker 2 because I was being a girl. Really?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 they dressed you as a girl?

Speaker 2 You know, my parents let me play with MacArthur. I was like, oh, my mother was dressed as a girl until he was like 14.

Speaker 2 Why, Honor? Because he was very close with mother. Wait, who? That's awesome.
Yeah, MacArthur. Who? MacArthur's mother dressed him as...
Who's MacArthur?

Speaker 2 But if you're going to have a kid, who's MacArthur?

Speaker 2 The manner. He's like a World War II general.
Oh, okay. Yeah, and the Korean War.
And the Korean War. Yeah.
All right. Well, thank you.

Speaker 2 I didn't know if he was another one of your little friends. He was a right-wing kind of cultural icon for a while because he wanted to keep fighting

Speaker 2 well into North Korea.

Speaker 2 And Eisenhower told him to turn him. And he fired him.

Speaker 2 Anyway, but

Speaker 2 going back to the sports thing, like, listen, if you want a champion, like, you have to, I was telling Jamel this recently, but like, Agassiz's father was a degenerate Persian gambler. Right.

Speaker 2 And did he end up doing meth?

Speaker 2 And wearing a wig. Yeah.
Yeah. But his dad would say, and I know I said this on a recent episode, but his dad would say he'd make him as an 11-year-old play like an adult man.

Speaker 2 And he'd say, like, if you fucking lose, our family loses the house. Okay.
You know, so we, that is, and that's how you make a champion, I think.

Speaker 2 I'm just not good at sports, though, so I wouldn't know anything about it. Yeah, but you can, you can like maybe for like podcasting.
Make your kid go to sports. Don't make him go into podcasting.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, I know, but sometimes I feel like I could maybe train him to be like the greatest podcaster because I could correct all the mistakes that I made.

Speaker 2 What were those? Let's get it. What were they? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just over the course of

Speaker 2 a couple months. Since October 7th, what do you say?

Speaker 2 You could have sucked up. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 All right. I'm going to make a time machine, go back to October 7th.
No, no, I'm just tweeting. Go, Israel.
Well, first of all,

Speaker 2 we have a policy on the show. It's a wait and see on that war.
Yeah, right. Whoever wins,

Speaker 2 you know, that's a natural survival. But

Speaker 2 you know who's going to win. Who's

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 people with the will to win? That's right. That's right.
And you know where the will

Speaker 2 that is?

Speaker 2 Joe Paterno. Not really.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, but he also said, I don't think that's happening. Yeah, yeah.
I don't think he's more. He also said, I asked them originally, I was like, how good of a a defensive mind was Sandusky?

Speaker 2 And they were like, the best. Really? Yeah.
They were like, he was incredible. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He got Penn State. Like, yeah, like, Penn State, he put the program on the map.
Wow. Yeah, Joe Pod.
I feel that way about R. Kelly, too.

Speaker 2 I listen to some of those songs and I'm like, this is, this guy is such an awesome. I was thinking this the other day and like,

Speaker 2 can you beep the name that I'm about to use?

Speaker 2 I was at an event and I was drunk and

Speaker 2 got really mad at me for saying this.

Speaker 2 And I forgot who I was talking to, but I asked,

Speaker 2 I was like, do you think there's a path back into society for R. Kelly?

Speaker 2 But I forgot that he... All right, right, right.

Speaker 2 I forgot that

Speaker 2 he caught a little bit of that. He's like, let me know what it is.

Speaker 2 I forgot that he caught a little flack for that.

Speaker 2 But I was like, I just thought that

Speaker 2 he liked R. Kelly.
So I was like, you think because of like a... Oh, because of his first album? You think the MacArthur genius grant could be like,

Speaker 2 because of R. Kelly's tremendous genius, we have to reintegrate him back into society.
And he was like, no.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Let's bring it in. Nicole.

Speaker 2 Nicole.

Speaker 2 Dude, I.

Speaker 2 I was like, what the fuck were you just saying to him?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he got really mad at it. That's hilarious.
I was at the cellar and I had hurt my ankle months and months ago. I was on the cane.
I hurt my back recently. I was going back on it.
And

Speaker 2 was like, what happened? I go, oh, I was involved in a terrible dick sucking accident. You should see the other guy.
And he didn't laugh. Not at all.
That's funny because not at all. Yeah.
What?

Speaker 2 I made a joke like that around Hassan Minaj one time. He didn't laugh.
Oh, dude.

Speaker 2 I introded Hassan Minaj on stage the other night. I go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so excited to bring this next comic to the stage.

Speaker 2 He was just featured in a great article in the New York

Speaker 2 Give It Up for Hassan Minaj.

Speaker 2 Did he get upset? No, he probably laughed. He was non-plus.
He was probably like, no, he didn't like it.

Speaker 2 But I do really like that the record or the

Speaker 2 starships,

Speaker 2 the Hassan Minaj song. Starships who went to Scott of Uh

Speaker 2 that's what are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Nicki Minaj. Oh, that's Nicki Minaj.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Wait, so that article in the New York

Speaker 2 has Don Minaj? Nicki Minan? Oh my God.

Speaker 2 This changes everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my kid got anthrax on his head.

Speaker 2 A-N-T-H.

Speaker 2 This changes everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was at a bar two nights ago, and I was with two friends.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 one of them is like. What event were you at with

Speaker 2 After Chappelle?

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I bricked heavy that night yeah what called me the next night what does that mean like uh

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 to me he's like he's every time no one cares who you are every time

Speaker 2 he's like your breath stinks you're freaking everyone out

Speaker 2 i yeah i was uh yeah you just put up with that

Speaker 2 i mean he was right every time i talked to someone they were like what the is this guy saying

Speaker 2 i he's like you bullied travis scott What? Yeah, I bullied Travis Scott. Why? Were you like, oh, the buffet is open.
Don't make a stamp bead.

Speaker 2 I'll tell this story.

Speaker 2 I'll tell this story, okay? Tell it. So I went.
Let's kiki. So I was like,

Speaker 2 ended the show. And then I was like backstage.
I was walking down the hall. And who walks out of one of the dressing rooms? None other than Jaleel White, Stephen Erkel, walks out.

Speaker 2 Can I do that? No.

Speaker 2 He's dressed

Speaker 2 to him. Swag as fuck.
And he had four hoes on him. Good for him.
And I'm like, he's actually Stefan. I was like, wow.
Urkel. This is like, this is incredible.

Speaker 2 To be honest, like, my stomach dropped. Like, I've got.

Speaker 2 Who's Steve Urkel?

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. Was he on like a...

Speaker 2 You never saw Family Matters?

Speaker 2 What kind of show is it? Carl Winslow, it was like the best. Dude, TGIF, Friday Night.
Are you kidding me? ABC, it was full house, step-by-step, Family Matters. What was the fourth show?

Speaker 2 See, I was allowed to watch step-by-step, but there was, I wasn't allowed to watch whatever was on before. Because it was a black family in your room.

Speaker 2 You were allowed to listen to Eminem too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I wasn't allowed to listen to rap because it made me too hyper because I'd listen to MC Hammer and vanilla ice and just run up and down my stairs the entire time screaming the lyrics. Really?

Speaker 2 Made me too like,

Speaker 2 really?

Speaker 2 We're covering a lot of trauma today. i got mad about my mother one time and i played that limp biscuit song that it's a fucked up world up place

Speaker 2 and then she took away my stereo i got in trouble trying to buy um but that's still a great that's a great album chocolate limp biscuits crazy

Speaker 2 you know who that is huh it's about an that's a butthole chocolate starfish butthole and the hot dog flavored water what's hot dog flavored water that's what it takes ian takes a little yeah he has like a little nip no he has like a champagne flute and he it it runs out of the he carries around a big thermostat

Speaker 2 flavored water it runs out of his lover's uh lover's bum and then he's like he's like oh what has this been to one of those big jugs that white women carry around oh this

Speaker 2 I'm getting notes of the Bronx

Speaker 2 this is a this is a Bronx 1997

Speaker 2 you're like because you buy from sideways with with hot dog water yeah

Speaker 2 1997 I can't do him anyway so

Speaker 2 go ahead.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 I didn't think it was boring.

Speaker 2 No, I'm excited. No, no, no.
He did an obvious bit, and it took you fucking five minutes to understand that he wasn't allowed to watch the black show. And then you had to keep going.
Yeah. Of course.

Speaker 2 Fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 You're a professional comedian. You're fucking professional.
I thought you weren't allowed to watch it. This is what I was saying at the bar.

Speaker 2 I wasn't not allowed to watch it. I just.
You didn't know Urkel though. No, I knew.
Yeah, I know. Oh, okay.
I know Urkel.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 He was

Speaker 2 oh sorry I believe my concept of a joke was so foreign to you that like I and this is what I was saying at the bar the other night just to cut away again from the Steve Urkel story you're a bad listener I said I said to my friend as like an obvious bit right yeah the the friend I was saying it to is a friend who knows how to riff and make jokes and I was like and then the third friend is the one of the biggest idiots we know and so I said I was like do you ever hear that thing about that movie memento and he's like what I was like the whole time is going backwards right and my friend and then steven who used to edit the show is like that

Speaker 2 changes everything he didn't know memento no no no he's like doing a he's like riffing back he's like that he didn't understand it and then our third friend is like

Speaker 2 you work in film man i cannot believe and he got so like it it became me trying to do a bit at him and then him like clearly the mark was the third person and it took forever and that's how ian just acted about the show family matters anyway yeah but that's like when your friend friend that doesn't do comedy thinks a joke is lying.

Speaker 2 You know that friend?

Speaker 2 Where they're like,

Speaker 2 like I was with my buddy from like grade school and we're driving. He goes, he's showing me around San Francisco and he's showing me different stuff.
No, I'm here's here's the thing. I'm gullible.

Speaker 2 And he goes, he goes,

Speaker 2 that's the site of the first Trader Joe's ever. And I go, really? And he goes, no, you idiot.
I'm joking. And I'm like, that's not a joke.
That's a lie. Yeah, bro.

Speaker 2 Like, what's a joke that I trust my lifelong?

Speaker 2 No, he was doing a joke that his family allowed him to watch step by step step by step, but not family mastery. I didn't pick up on it, I was a filthy divorced family.
I didn't pick up a sinning

Speaker 2 divorced family. I didn't pick up on it, and that is my bad.
That's right. Imagine like

Speaker 2 your mom seeing Steve Urkel and being like, I just don't like these jazz men. Like,

Speaker 2 right.

Speaker 2 This hip-hop style jazz. Dude, I dressed up as Steve Urkel.
Me and my best friend wrote a sketch for our talent show 1992, IHM. I was Urkel.
He was Carl Winslow. Blew the roof off.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you do that? No. Didn't even cross our minds.
Really? Swear to God. Yeah.
That's good. Yep.
Yeah. Nice.
What, Blackface? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then in college, me and my friend dressed as Serena and Venus Williams, and we

Speaker 2 did. Cut our penises off.

Speaker 2 June's back. Let's do his bag.
Let's go. Okay, so I see Urkel and I get.
You got canceled for that. I get so nervous.

Speaker 2 Cut your penises off for Halloween.

Speaker 2 So I get really starstruck and nervous. The last time I felt that way was when I saw Dice at the stand five years ago.
And I was just like, oh my God, it's him.

Speaker 2 But he's also got hot chicks with him. And I was like, wow, this is so, he is Stefan.
I was like, this is amazing. Yeah.
And then I say to my girlfriend, I was like,

Speaker 2 I can't believe it's him. Matt McCusker was there.
I was like, did you see that? He's like, is that fucking Urkel? And we were all freaking out. And then finally, I was like, I just shook his hand.

Speaker 2 I was like, Mr. White,

Speaker 2 I almost said Urkel. I was like,

Speaker 2 it is an honor. Like, I'm a massive fan.
And, like, I took a picture with him. And he's like, he goes, he's like doing this.
And so then I keep walking.

Speaker 2 And I walk into this dressing room and Travis Scott is there. And I'm still like buzzing off of.

Speaker 2 Did you tell him you met Urkel?

Speaker 2 And then I just walked up to him.

Speaker 2 I i was like uh yeah and chappelle's son i guess likes the show so he's like you want to meet him and i was like uh uh i guess okay and then so i was like yeah i was like bro did you see fucking urkels here you see chappelle no to to travis guy like

Speaker 2 i shook his hand and i was like bro you see fucking urkels here he's like yeah yeah yeah that's what's up that's what's up and i was like i was like i can't believe it dude and he had girls on him i was like he really is stefan that's great and i was like do you like that show he's like yeah yeah yeah and i was like do you think he ever got pussied off of Laura on that show?

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 like that to him. And he was like, looks at me like this.
You should have been like, when you got pussied nowadays. No, no, it wasn't that.

Speaker 2 No, he's just like, I feel like if you're like just meeting someone and goofing,

Speaker 2 that's like normal. Yeah, that's a fun thing.
You should have said to him, hey, when you were responsible for all those people dying, you know, you should have said, did I do that?

Speaker 2 That would have been funny. That would have been funny.

Speaker 2 Wait, but

Speaker 2 yeah, but I bet you wish you had a time machine, buddy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then Shane. That would have been perfect.
Yeah, yeah. Shane walks in and sees it, and he sees like Travis Carr like this.
And maybe he's like, Do you think he got pussy off of Urquil?

Speaker 2 And he's like,

Speaker 2 and then he looks at me. He's like, Adam, what are you doing? Yeah.
He's like, why are you bullying Travis Carr right now?

Speaker 2 And I was like, it's a normal question.

Speaker 2 It's a normal question. And he's like, oh, on the show, on the show.
I was like, yeah, that was my fucking question, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to Colin and Scarlett's Christmas party tonight.

Speaker 2 But when I opened for him at the beacon, she was there. And I, right before the show, I went to 7-Eleven and got a bunch of snacks.
And I was like, Scarlett, I got some snacks if you want them.

Speaker 2 That's nice. Yeah.
And she was like, oh, yeah, let me get some of that warm cheese that you have.

Speaker 2 Did she say that? Yeah,

Speaker 2 she was like making fun of me. Yes.

Speaker 2 That's great. Off the phone, you're doing a show.
No, no, I had an important text, but it was fun. Oh, I bet.
It really is. When are you going to lay pipe with me, Adam?

Speaker 2 Who's that?

Speaker 2 That was nice. Adam, I need Adam.

Speaker 2 When are you going to jam me out?

Speaker 2 That'd be funny if that's how she actually talked. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Adam, I need to get Adam. I need you cock.
She talks like Adam Sandler's mom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're all going to love you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So.
How's that going, though? Good? With my girlfriend? Yeah. It's great.
I mean, Italian girl, good.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's great.

Speaker 2 You know, she doesn't talk to the feds. Yeah.
You you know she's i didn't know she was italian no she's a quarter italian her last name's italian okay what is it tell the camera what fagaduccio yeah

Speaker 2 flapi pus

Speaker 2 the craps the craps give me my pants

Speaker 2 uh no it's going very well very nice

Speaker 2 dia charge

Speaker 2 i got her i got her a very nice christmas gift she bet what'd you get her respect me for speaking of christmas gifts why don't you tell adam what you got deb what do you mean?

Speaker 2 That picture you sent me the other day.

Speaker 2 Was it your dick?

Speaker 2 Should I?

Speaker 2 Would you get her?

Speaker 2 Oh, well, I don't think she's going to hear this, but I forget where I was, but I was fucking dying, dude. Really? Yeah, it was great.

Speaker 2 Well, she told me that for Christmas, she wanted a black waterproof backpack. So I was at the airport in Des Moines on Sunday, and

Speaker 2 I saw the backpack, the exact backpack that she wanted, and I

Speaker 2 shoplifted it.

Speaker 2 It's the airport. Yeah.
Yeah, you should. Yeah.
It's not shoplifting. But why you tell?

Speaker 2 I stole. I stole it.
You robbed a person. Yeah.
That's the difference. Yeah, I stole

Speaker 2 it. Shoplifting is taking from a shop, Adam.
Well, no, it was a shop. From a purse.
It was a shop. Oh, I thought it was someone's bag because you're

Speaker 2 not. What are you insane?

Speaker 2 I am insane. I thought you saw a bag.

Speaker 2 You just took it. Get out of here.

Speaker 2 You thought I took, just dumping out like tampons and like

Speaker 2 straight up. Get out of here.
Bag it, bag check. Oh, that is actually insulting.
Good for you. That's that's good.
Fuck the airport. Yeah.
Well, yeah. And then I got to get this.

Speaker 2 She put me in charge of stockings. So now, so yesterday I was, you know, going around trying.
I'm like, what's all the small, what's like small bullshit? Oh, that's nice. But you know what?

Speaker 2 I'm spending like 200 bucks on stockings.

Speaker 2 Well, you know what? Like a loofah, like gum.

Speaker 2 Gum? Yeah, a pair of scissors. That's nice.
Yeah. No.
Stockings are for little things. Yeah, but you got to fill them with stuff, and you end up like spending a lot of money.
Little useful things.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, no, no.
You have to do skincare shit for your wife. In the stocking? Yeah.
But that's so expensive.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but also at the same time, they get so much skincare. They need other stuff too.
No, no, no, no, no. But if it's a little bit of girl, if it's girl

Speaker 2 dude wipes.

Speaker 2 You got her loofah

Speaker 2 to clean her pussy? Yeah, you can use these too. They say dude wipes on them.
You can always use them on it.

Speaker 2 Dude MP.

Speaker 2 Come on. I went around today.
Listen to this. This is bringing it back to the last time.

Speaker 2 I went around today and got my yearly candy to give all my little shops in my neighborhood and

Speaker 2 dressing as Santa Claus. And I'm going to give them out.
The Chunky Cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because me and Jordan did our Chris's episode. She She was a Grinch, I was Santa.

Speaker 2 So, I have the Santa outfit, so I'm gonna get some jingle bells. I'm gonna go around and give them to everyone.
I'm going to my tattoo shop, I'm going to all little places. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 Isn't that nice? I don't know. Where are you going? Huh? Where are you going? What stores? Uh, Baby Blues, Winson.

Speaker 2 Uh, you do have some kids in your life that would love a present.

Speaker 2 I do. My best friend has kids, but what are you laughing at? You met Ben.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I am

Speaker 2 today. All right, so let's talk.
Let's talk Christmas memories, okay? Oh, my God. Yeah.
Yeah. So I'm new to Christmas, right? So I've only been doing it for four years.
And I integrate the right year.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is the best. Yeah.
I'm new to Hanukkah. I'm Jewish.
Oh. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I found out from 23andMe, Ashkenazi. So last year I lit a menorah at my mom's house.
Wait, how much? Set the kitchen table.

Speaker 2 How much Ashkenazi?

Speaker 2 Like 12 to 14%.

Speaker 2 From your mom's side?

Speaker 2 And what's, what, where's your pro you're Jewish? The North.

Speaker 2 Northern Italian, Balkan, Ashkenazi. Wait, wait, but what about

Speaker 2 where does your mom, what about on your mom's side? Is it from her mother?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 And where did it come from on your grandmother's side? From her mother?

Speaker 2 What? From your grandmother's side? Yes, from my grandmother's mother.

Speaker 2 You're Judaism. You're literally Jewish.

Speaker 2 You know you're Jewish. It was, I know,

Speaker 2 I'm saying I'm Jewish. Yes.
No, it's not about Hanukkah, but you're actually... No, it's bad.

Speaker 2 No, it's bad. No, it's bad.
No, it's good. No, Ian, when the Holocaust starts again, you're going to the camps.
Yeah. And that's.
I'll be the fucking bear Jew and fight my way out to save you.

Speaker 2 The bear Jew? No, I think more of an honor Jew.

Speaker 2 I'll be the twink Jew. I think you're more of a...
I will suck our way to the city. I think you're more of a carry in a nice little alliance with the Arabs, so they're going to let me.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be sick.

Speaker 2 You might win. No, they're not winning.

Speaker 2 It might go the other way. No, it's amazing.

Speaker 2 Wait, so Ian, you're just Jewish. That's why you suck.

Speaker 2 I don't suck. That's nice.
It actually feels good. Huff it.

Speaker 2 Do a huff. No, I'm not.
10 seconds. Don't enable.
This is what sober people do. They all like enable.
They're like, call the guy, get a bag.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you should, dude. If you guys did Coke right now, I'd be so cool.
No, we're not going to do Coke right now. We would die.
No, you wouldn't. It's all got fentanyl in it.

Speaker 2 Get it from someone you trust. Actually, that's a bit.
That's a joke. Ha ha.

Speaker 2 I don't like people doing that around me because I'm scared something's going to happen. Yeah, it's not fun.

Speaker 2 It's fun. Beyond that, beyond that, people are just you act annoying.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You might kiss a girl on the lips.

Speaker 2 That's allowing people to imagine.

Speaker 2 I went to a holiday party this weekend.

Speaker 2 My friend told me that

Speaker 2 when he gets drugs, he's been getting it from the Chinese. And he said

Speaker 2 they send texts. They're like,

Speaker 2 sometimes it's a boy, like on literally on a city bike. Yeah, yeah.
And they said, did you get boy? Like, find boy. Like, the texts are all like, take picture of boy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. They say boy.

Speaker 2 Like, we have a a little boy delivery company no no no no they they have tried to get in his ass you're gonna get they haven't confirmed that he found but they they say uh they haven't confirmed that he found the that that they found boy boy yeah the why the child that they go to sell the drugs with maybe we take that out too i don't know no we have a lot of cops that listen to this we say it

Speaker 2 Guys, do you think it'd be funny if when I die,

Speaker 2 let's say I kill myself, right? No, and everyone's like, oh, that's what a what a fucking idiot. Like what a life, you know, keep yourself cut short,

Speaker 2 but I ensure before I kill myself that I have a will, and it's like ironclad, right? And my family can't see the will until after the funeral. And I make my lawyer, like, uh,

Speaker 2 like ensure me that there will be a radical Muslim cleric doing the funeral for my entire friends.

Speaker 2 Just like one of those guys. no English.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All Arabic, just like, and the, you know, the finger whacking

Speaker 2 that finger of death. He's screaming at my family while they're grieving.
That's pretty funny. That's very funny.
Let's get a head start on that. Put a gun in your mouth.

Speaker 2 We'll figure it out.

Speaker 2 Don't kill yourself.

Speaker 2 When's the last time you went to a church?

Speaker 2 Funerals?

Speaker 2 For a funeral.

Speaker 2 But were you confirmed confirmed in the Catholic faith? I was, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's terrible, isn't it? I don't like Catholic masses. What did you guys have to do for confirmation? You pick a name.
You pick like a confirmation name. You go to like a picture.

Speaker 2 You picked Donatello Luigi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What was your confirmation name? Francis, after Francis of Assisi. Because he was like the coolest saint because he could talk to animals.
Oh, cool. That's right.
The doolittle of saints. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What would your confirmation

Speaker 2 be?

Speaker 2 My Catholic name?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just pick a different name. Probably I named myself Pius after the Pope that

Speaker 2 turned

Speaker 2 a blind eye to the Holocaust.

Speaker 2 Yeah, to the Holocaust. Yeah.
The one that was like, nothing in front. Padre Pio.

Speaker 2 Padre Pio. Oh, that guy was cool.
I used to wear a capillar of his. What is that? Capillar is like basically like a relic that you keep on you.

Speaker 2 Were you confirmed in the Catholic Church?

Speaker 2 What name did you use?

Speaker 2 What name? John. I forget what they what they make you do.
It's just like. But you go to classes like CCD where learn shit.
But they're like the biggest thing

Speaker 2 on your head. Yeah.
It's fucking dumb. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. So it's not like a bar mitzvah.
It's not fun. It's not fun.
No, a bar mitzvah is like a huge, wonderful party. Like an escape.

Speaker 2 My parents and we didn't have enough money for a wonderful party. We had a lunch and the my bar mitzvah theme was a an argument.

Speaker 2 Everyone.

Speaker 2 That's a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 My friend David, his bar mitzvah theme was a haggle.

Speaker 2 My friend David, his family was involved in the subprime mortgage,

Speaker 2 you know, whatever business. Yeah.
And he had his parents get him a white tuxedo. Okay.
And he had it at the Four Seasons.

Speaker 2 And then he kicked out all the parents from the dance party an hour in so we could do freak dancing. That's cool.
We were like, we were freaking.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Those were the ticks.
That was a fun time. Yeah.
It was a fun time. Oh, my God.
It was a good time to be a kid. Do they still do those?

Speaker 2 Probably full sex though. Yeah.
I mean, with the music that you're doing. The Gen Z is kind of like prude.
I don't think they're doing it. I don't think they're.
They don't fuck. They don't fuck.

Speaker 2 And I doubt they're grinding on the bus. Young guys don't eat pussy anymore.
Really? Really?

Speaker 2 Wow, like Uncle June? Yeah. Yeah, nice.
No, Uncle June ate pussy. And he got

Speaker 2 bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're like, they're more classic men now. They're like, eating pussy is cringe.

Speaker 2 It's giving gay.

Speaker 2 It's giving kind of gay. It's giving weakness.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? Drink up, man. I can smell that.
Get it away from me. I had one and I feel completely drunk from it.
Yeah. Do you put it over here? Get loose.

Speaker 2 You ever miss drinking, Ian?

Speaker 2 You just did it in conjunction with cocaine, right?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You just you drank first. Was it mainly cocaine or was it mainly drinking? Mainly, it was drinking.
Cocaine came later, but it was wake up, drink vodka, crystal palace, $11.99, half gallon.

Speaker 2 Cocaine helped you drink more alcohol, probably.

Speaker 2 Adderall did. Adderall did.
Cocaine was just a thing to do. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's not that fun of a drug. I mean, it's like.
It sucks. Having it's better than doing it because you feel like, yes, I got it.

Speaker 2 And then you do it and you're like,

Speaker 2 oh, whatever. I guess I got to get more.
Well, yeah, no, but having it and the looking forward to it was amazing. But you're also

Speaker 2 coming up with business ideas with your friends.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude the next day you wake up you're like you suck bro yeah it now i don't miss drinking because my life is so abundant today and i'm very grateful for that because i think back to the behaviors i had when i was drinking it makes me not miss it i do not miss the way i behaved when i was you did a lot of michael richards style behavior like what like walking into jerry's apartment

Speaker 2 i did the worst i reversed my people it was a mess you're so earnest and you say the worst things when you're on cocaine. And like, I remember I was on a lot of it once.

Speaker 2 Were you on it the other night? Because you said some pretty bad things. When? I didn't see you the other day.
When you went to the party you were talking about.

Speaker 2 When you went up to Travis Scott, you're like, you think Urkel slammed Laura?

Speaker 2 I think that's a pretty normal thing to say to someone, actually. Yeah, also,

Speaker 2 who Travis Scott to like get

Speaker 2 him for not being like

Speaker 2 in it to laugh with you. That's just you say that to another lad.
You meet a lad. Yeah, you say that.

Speaker 2 What am I supposed to be like, oh, I loved your song about what sexual assault or whatever? Yeah. Yeah, what even are his songs? I get these good moments every time.

Speaker 2 They come around.

Speaker 2 He sucks. Whatever.
Beyond that,

Speaker 2 one time.

Speaker 2 A trash Gen Z, but it's like, they don't eat pussy. Their music sucks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're all in the fucking, it sounds like computers going through a breakup and girls like whispering while they make soup on their shit.

Speaker 2 Enough of this. When we sound like, we sound like, oh, what's with us with the hippity hop? I mean, that's what we sound like.

Speaker 2 Now, we're allowed to have opinions, and our opinions are correct. The music coming out today sucks.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Except for there's a lot of really good hardcore bands that are out. Okay, well, enough, enough.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 one time

Speaker 2 I'd taken a

Speaker 2 and I went to the deli by my old apartment when I lived in Bushwick. It's New York.
We call it a bodeta. A bodain.
So, I went, and there's this Yemeni guy, and he's

Speaker 2 New York.

Speaker 2 He's there every day. Undocumented immigrant.
No, no, I think you've told me this story before. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He worked like 364 days a year.

Speaker 2 I was like, Are you here every day? Like, I was like, How many days

Speaker 2 you take off last year? Yeah. And he's like, 364.

Speaker 2 And I was like, What do you?

Speaker 2 I was like, You took one day off? He's like, Yeah, I was sick. And I was like, Are you like saving a lot of money? Like, are you stacking? And he's like, No, I'm just spending it mostly at Yemen.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Oh my God, is everything okay?

Speaker 2 And he's like, yeah, everything's chill. I was like, no, there's a U.S.-backed Saudi assault on the Houthis in Yemen right now.

Speaker 2 And like, I was like telling him about the geopolitics of his own country. And then the next day I woke up and I was like,

Speaker 2 I was like, Jesus off.

Speaker 2 You were on Coke when you were doing that? I was, yeah, of course I was on Coke. Yeah, I do that normally.
Yeah, I get out of your mind trying to tell a guy. Can I get some stigs?

Speaker 2 Can I get some stigs? Yeah. There's a U.S.-backed Saudi assault on the Houthis.
And the guy's like, do you want to chop cheese or not?

Speaker 2 And he's like, all right, dude, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's great. So embarrassing.
Adam, what do we have an hour? Here's your bona pills.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Take your bona pills and get to the bank.
Brad, an hour? Okay, guys. All right, we're at an hour.
Brad, what hour?

Speaker 2 We're going to save the good stuff over on the Patreon. We're going to save the good stuff on the Patreon side.
Guys, you can switch over to Patreon.

Speaker 2 We're going to get another full episode with the original cast of the Adam Freeland Show. Thank you, boys.
And I'll see you guys on Patreon. Hey, January 14th.
Oh, wait. Can I plug in?

Speaker 2 Yeah, can I plug it in? Yeah, I'm on London. I'm in Tampa also the 19th and 20th.
I'm in Sydney.

Speaker 2 EMFIDance.com, BEM with Jordan, Patreon.com/slash BEM Pod.

Speaker 2 And if you live in Minneapolis, I'll be at Sisyphus Brewing Company January 26th. It's a great seventh.
It's a great venue.

Speaker 2 Go to SisyphusBrewing.com for tickets and check out my podcast, Out for Smokes, with Sean McCarthy and Scott Chaplin.

Speaker 2 That was great.

Speaker 2 You didn't have fun? No, it was great. Yeah, I just I remembered I one second.
I gotta take a pee pee.

Speaker 2 That was really fun. Was it? You sure?