The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 35

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Speaker 1 hello it's the adam freedland show podcast 2024 first episode of the new year let's give it up for the new year

Speaker 1 Here with Nick, we're just kicking it. What would you say? Nick said we were kicking it old school.
I've never heard you talk that way before. Yeah.
We're talking finance, crypto, Bitcoin.

Speaker 1 Is the economy going to rebound this year? Did you see Andrew Tate came out in anger against Israel? He has for a while. He's Muslim.

Speaker 1 Andrew Tate's Muslim. He converted him.
I thought he was gay. No, no, no.
He's the king of all pimps.

Speaker 1 He's the total boss.

Speaker 1 They call him the boss or like the absolute big, big dick savage something or other.

Speaker 1 No, he's been critical of Israel for a while. I thought this was like a gay penis symbol.
Is this his symbol? No, that's Diamond Dallas. Yeah, no, he does

Speaker 1 the rock away. No, he does this.
It's the rock? Anytime you see an interview with Andrew Tate,

Speaker 1 he's always doing a spider move.

Speaker 1 Like this? He's always like, I got a, and maybe he's doing the red triangle. That's the symbol.
I think he does like an Andre kind of, maybe. That's the symbol of Hamas now, is the red triangle.

Speaker 1 What is that? Chinese? It's like in the videos of them blowing up the tanks. Oh, like a Call of Duty? Mm-hmm.
Like you're shooting someone? That's a big argument online. Hamas will

Speaker 1 the Hamas guys will post GoPro videos of them shooting an RPG at a tank.

Speaker 1 And then the guys named

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 one of these Israeli guys will

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 1 respond. and be like,

Speaker 1 they didn't blow anything up. It is from,

Speaker 1 I guess, their tanks have like a

Speaker 1 like some kind of like thing that if there's you shoot a rocket at it it'll

Speaker 1 like like intercept the rocket which seems iron dome a mini iron dome yeah which seems kind of like that's kind of cowardly I think this is too much shielding shields yeah there's Israel does too much shielding well the Star of David is also not

Speaker 1 the shield of David you know call like Call of Duty with like the right right the right gear plus throwing knife uh-huh that's like sort of the Israel loadout. Really? Yeah.
Is the most annoying.

Speaker 1 Which, to be fair, was my class of choice when I played Monster. That was your style? Yo, yeah.
Riot Shield plus throwing knife.

Speaker 1 So you're kind of advocating for their video games, in the same way that I would never be at a game. But if you were in the Israeli army, you would have more honor.

Speaker 1 You would go in naked, no army. What I would do is I would go into that tunnel with the shield, crouching, and then just the throwing knife.

Speaker 1 And then I'm invincible, and then they waste all their ammo.

Speaker 1 is that like that's like a hack it's like playing as the the little guy in in uh it's extremely i mean in and it's in what goldeneye yeah odd job odd job and i remember it being people would get very angry you get in the lobby afterwards and they get very upset and they're like the fuck you fucking ride shield fucking faggot yeah why don't you come meet me and i said when i lived in texas you think the hamas guys are like that when i you when i lived in texas they like you could you get put on texas servers and you'd play with texas wiggers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It'd be like me and me and my partners.
Potna. Yeah.
Yeah. Those guys are the best.
Paul Walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because that was, they can't say the, they don't say the n-word.

Speaker 1 You know who you probably played with? Say potna. Potna.
Yeah. You know you probably played with Post Malone.
Oh, really? Yeah, he's from Dallas and he's sick nasty at Call of Duty. Really?

Speaker 1 I saw a video of it yesterday. Is he, did he die? No, he's great.
Oh. Yeah, he's great.

Speaker 1 He's

Speaker 1 starting a lot of

Speaker 1 Raising Kane franchises these days. He's also going more

Speaker 1 acoustic singer-songwriter, less hip-hop these days. Which, for some reason, I like much better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know why I always think that guy's dead. Post Malone? I'm a big fan.
I like him a lot. Yeah, but there's like a death aura around him.

Speaker 1 There's a loneliness about him. I'm not talking about his mood or his disposition.
I mean, just based on his sort of cosmic place.

Speaker 1 What gives you that vibe? It's just a vibe thing. I don't know.
It's like you see a color surrounding.

Speaker 1 You know, people are always like, oh, Abe Vagoda is dead.

Speaker 1 And I'm sort of like that with him. Really?

Speaker 1 Like, nothing. I hope he's not dead.
It has nothing to do with his mood. It has nothing to do with him or his career.

Speaker 1 It's a big come down.

Speaker 1 Oh, is he? Huge. I'm not even saying anything critical.
I'm saying there is a death aura.

Speaker 1 Probably hurt. What?

Speaker 1 He probably doesn't listen to the show anymore because it's less good. Oh, yeah.
But that would probably hurt his feelings. He probably loves you.

Speaker 1 It really is fucking annoying that we didn't make more money off Cometown.

Speaker 1 Why? Because it was popular, now it's bad. And I don't think the amount of money that we have is

Speaker 1 enough.

Speaker 1 Right. That's really the awesome problem.
Because here's the other problem, too, is we also sold out.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? We haven't sold out because we're still independent.

Speaker 1 We're still indie. Yeah, but we sold it.
Look, first of all, this episode is brought to you by Nike. Yes, Nike

Speaker 1 and an iPhone.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, it's annoying to sell out and then not get.
Brother, we have not even begun selling out yet.

Speaker 1 We have a lot of selling out to do.

Speaker 1 And I think that was a commitment both of us made. Because in life, there's two paths you can take as an artist, right? You can either sell out and

Speaker 1 you're like, ah, you know, I hate

Speaker 1 this thing.

Speaker 1 It's not fun anymore, but at least I got millions and millions of dollars.

Speaker 1 Or you can be a guy that failed and you're like, at least I am fucking sell out.

Speaker 1 At least I got my integrity. You could be like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm going to die from a splinter. The way of the samurai.
I stepped on a rusty nail and that ended my life because

Speaker 1 I live in abject poverty from

Speaker 1 wasting

Speaker 1 my entire young adulthood on the arts. Right.
And now...

Speaker 1 And now I'm 40 and I don't know how to type. Well, that has nothing to do with it.
And I'm your life.

Speaker 1 I'm 40 and and I'm putting proficiency in Microsoft Word on a resume that I submit there. Well, that's not your life.

Speaker 1 Nick is an incredible touch typist.

Speaker 1 The audience doesn't know that. Also, he's got girl handwriting.
I don't know if we've ever said that on the show before. Do you think I have girl handwriting? I think you have girl handwriting.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful. It's so tidy.

Speaker 1 Your personality is a messy handwriting guy. No, I mean, I have like clean handwriting, but I don't think it's girl handwriting.
Dude, write a sentence right now on this paper. I don't have a pen.

Speaker 1 Adam, can we get a pen? Let's get the note. And

Speaker 1 I'm not saying that in a mean way.

Speaker 1 I'm saying this as a compliment. Folks, you already know what's coming.
Dueling handwriting analysis in just a moment.

Speaker 1 As long as the notebook is out here, and this motherfucker wants to start with me on

Speaker 1 the market. No, no, no.
First of all,

Speaker 1 let the games begin. Okay, he puts a heart over every I and J.
Lowercase J. Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Girl handwriting, what does that mean? Let's hear the most obvious joke.

Speaker 1 You write, what? I saw, I opened a notebook recently. It said, Mrs.
Adam Friedland, Mrs. Adam Friedland, Mrs.
You wrote like fuck.

Speaker 1 Because I was trying to fucking forge your mom's Social Security survivor. She's not my wife.
Yeah, I was trying to steal that money.

Speaker 1 I was trying to steal the money. Does it make sense? She's not Mrs.
Adam Friedland.

Speaker 1 She's not Mrs. Adam Friedland.
You were writing that because you said, and you said, Am I going to live in a mansion, a house, an apartment, or sewage?

Speaker 1 What sentence are you writing? I'm writing Mrs. Adam Friedland.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Mrs.

Speaker 1 Can you see that?

Speaker 1 Mullen. Should I write it big? Should I write it big? Okay, here.
Hold on, let me write it big so that the camera can see. All right, so let's do a little comparison.
I don't love my handwriting.

Speaker 1 That's girl handwriting.

Speaker 1 I don't love my handwriting. Go up to your camera so they can see it.
I don't need to. I wrote it big so they can see you.

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 1 That's fine. You're punching in?

Speaker 1 So I'll write it bigger.

Speaker 1 And then let's. This is my impression of Adam's signature.

Speaker 1 I changed my signature.

Speaker 1 I decided it was embarrassing. You decided it was embarrassing? I came up with it when I was like in

Speaker 1 eighth grade.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're not doing my actual.

Speaker 1 All right, this is my handwriting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's not even, I mean, that's just. So do some analysis on my head, Ryan.
I mean, it's funny. It's like you look at this.
What do you make of it?

Speaker 1 If I were an FBI profiler, I would say, this man has no internal monologue whatsoever. What do you mean? You think I'm just an empty vessel? This is just a fucking, yeah.

Speaker 1 This looks like a Chinese person copied letters out of

Speaker 1 like a school workbook with no understanding of the meaning behind them. I know what that sentence means.
And that's not the same thing.

Speaker 1 There's no irony there.

Speaker 1 That was a genuine sentence that I wrote genuinely with a brain full of love.

Speaker 1 What is that? Chinese. Here's Adam's signature.

Speaker 1 That's Adam's. That's how Adam's signature looks.

Speaker 1 What is it? That's cool. It's hip-hop style.

Speaker 1 It's every letter. Oh, that's graffiti hip-hop style.
Every letter is a different type of nose.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good. Yeah, it is good.
It is good. The M is really good.
It's like, um, what's his name? That comic strip. What's his name? Izzy?

Speaker 1 No, no, Izzy. What was that comic strip?

Speaker 1 It was about a guy with a nose like that.

Speaker 1 Ziggy.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 How's your spelling?

Speaker 1 Oh fuck I spelled it wrong again my spelling yeah

Speaker 1 I'm bad speller

Speaker 1 That's also another thing that I mean and I think I gotta get another I gotta get another eye exam all right analyze this analyze this FBI hey

Speaker 1 you're uh hey you're looking at my penis that's good hey welcome to therapy hey

Speaker 1 oh yeah yeah no no I have a penis meet the parents I have a penis screen I have a penis can you me do you know that the Sopranos and that came out this like within three months analyze penis analyze penis yeah yeah they were both about mafiosos showing their penis to Billy and I have both notebooks here I don't understand what's going on.

Speaker 1 Let me see your handwriting. I want to do a little analysis.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I am Jody Foster in

Speaker 1 Silence of the Limbs.

Speaker 1 Mr. Lecter.

Speaker 1 Mr. Lecter.
Mr. Lecter.

Speaker 1 Mr. Lecter, that man next door threw calm on me.

Speaker 1 I'm terribly sorry, Queenies.

Speaker 1 I loved how he had good manners. How was your meeting? Yeah, that Anthony, what's it? Anthony Heald is the head of the hospital.
That was your meeting with Dr. Lecter.

Speaker 1 I was pretty good, but the guy next to him threw a cum on my face.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just want to let you know before I get out of here, this man in the cell next to Hannibal Elector. He threw his cum.
He threw a handful of cum in my face.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I am an FBI agent, so.

Speaker 1 I have something to confess to you, Nick. What? There you go.
I beat off at the office yesterday. Why? Why would you tell me that? Because Because I got to be honest.
When'd you where?

Speaker 1 Adam left. I got a horny for a minute.

Speaker 1 Beat off into a paper towel. But in the bathroom.
Threw it out in the bathroom. But where? Onto a paper towel.
But on the couch, you're being offered? No, in the utility room standing. In my chair.

Speaker 1 Not in your chair, standing. And I caught all the come.

Speaker 1 I just feel like I have to be honest. I just don't want you to have to be honest with the audience.
I don't want you putting your bare ass on my chair. I'm not doing that to jerk off.

Speaker 1 I'm doing that in a kind of a January 6th style. Oh, Nancy Pelosi.
See how he likes this. I really can only, you can only hope that Nancy Pelosi's been getting like fucked up UTIs from that guy's.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That she's just getting that.
She's still to this day.

Speaker 1 She's had pink eyes. My pussy.
She's had pink eye for three years.

Speaker 1 My pussy's stinky again.

Speaker 1 And it's because she's just getting still shit particles.

Speaker 1 Is this sentence, the handwriting sample, like standard sentence? It's the one to demonstrate a font. A font.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Okay, so because I...

Speaker 1 It has every letter in there. Because I said that he has girl handwriting, he's trying to do this more guy style.
But it's still a handwriting. No, it's still girl.
Have me write it. Have me.

Speaker 1 Look, I'll do it with my left hand. You do B this style? What?

Speaker 1 That's a lowercase. No, I do a B like that.
What are you doing? You can't... You're just doing art always? Let me see.

Speaker 1 You wrote an uppercase b small that's how you write b that's an uppercase that's too creative that's an uppercase b brown is not a proper noun the quick brown fox all the letters in there are uppercase i only write uppercase letters

Speaker 1 what are you fucking pablo picasso look at how i write i none of i don't use lowercase letter you only write an upper yeah i've always done that Really? When society zigs, you zag.

Speaker 1 Well, you just have a choice. I mean, you don't have to.
You don't have a choice if you want to get an A in right in

Speaker 1 penmanship class. I don't know.
Let me see if I can even remember how to. You don't know lowercase? Do you remember cursive?

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh, this is weird. I haven't done this since I'm gonna do cursive there.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen

Speaker 1 what is it? Oh, this is like a loopy

Speaker 1 shit. This looks crap.
Why do they teach cursive? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's what lowercase looks like if I write it. But I don't recognize that.
That doesn't look like my handwriting to me.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 You know, you should have been an architect. You have very architectural handwriting.
My dad is lovely handwriting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to write it.

Speaker 1 Dear diary.

Speaker 1 Don't come on. Dear.
You don't know his internal. Diary.

Speaker 1 It's me.

Speaker 1 Come on. He's a good man.
Max.

Speaker 1 Parentheses. The homo, by the way.
Stop it. Let's keep that between us.
I'm going to call him right now and tell him what you're doing. The homo, by the way.
He cares a lot about you, Nick.

Speaker 1 Let's keep that one between us. A old diary, pal.
Oh, okay, because this is his secret diary. No one's allowed to see it.
Yeah, right. That's funny.
That's really funny. That one.

Speaker 1 I would never speak this way about your father. From my lips.
I would respect him from my lips to god's penis

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 well that's it for the day i'm just checking in to let you know i'm gay

Speaker 1 sincerely adam's dad

Speaker 1 so mean dude He's a good guy.

Speaker 1 All right. This is my cursive.
No,

Speaker 1 he was watching the podcast pretty consistently.

Speaker 1 What do you think about my cursive? Didn't we already do this back when Dave was no? We did drawings. We did drawings.
Okay. You know what I mean? Let me see what my cursive looks like.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know if even if I remember a cursive. Yeah, I don't.
Yeah, because you were like lighting fires in the back of class. Yeah, no, I mean, like...
Beating bugs. What's the...
How do you do the Q?

Speaker 1 Like, the Q is like...

Speaker 1 Upper Q is a 2. Yeah, it's a 2 or something.

Speaker 1 It's a 2 with a little loopy bottom. What a useless talent.
Oh, Nick, I have a good idea for the rest of the podcast. What?

Speaker 1 We try to prove that telepathy is real, right? Uh-huh. And you and I both think of a word, we'll both write it down, and then we'll see if we thought of the same word.

Speaker 1 I'm going to start doing this.

Speaker 1 Do we have a read? I'm doing like the Benjamin Franklin S's, too. What is that? And like the F's

Speaker 1 that we see.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 hey

Speaker 1 you really should have gone to one of those like Montessori's oh yeah

Speaker 1 that's shit dude is that cursive that's really bad that's shit I don't know cursive that's really crap let me see let me see let me try again

Speaker 1 Let me try again. Why was that guy John Hancock like that, you know?

Speaker 1 You think everyone else is like, this guy fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 Alright.

Speaker 1 Do we have a read or no? I want to get back to penmanship episode.

Speaker 1 Alright. You just tossed the read on the slide.
I mean, is it now the time for the read?

Speaker 1 No, I thought we have to do it at a slot.

Speaker 1 I'll do the read now. Is that cursive?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's terrible cursive. I don't know cursive.
Yeah, you weren't paying attention.

Speaker 1 I don't know lowercase letters either

Speaker 1 You write in all caps. Why not? That's so artistic.
No, a lot of people do. No one does.
Everyone in my family does. Really? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 He writes in all caps. You do? I think most artists do.
I'm not an artist. Exactly.

Speaker 1 I went

Speaker 1 to conformist. All right.
The dead. Guys.

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Speaker 1 This is Alex Huggins' handwriting that I found on here. Let me see it.
It's almost identical to mine.

Speaker 1 We have the same error. It's more boy.

Speaker 1 In what way?

Speaker 1 Who did this drawing? I wasn't here. Alex.
Yeah, Alex said that.

Speaker 1 Behind my back? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He drew Steven. It's not funny to do if I'm not here.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a drawing of you, too. Yeah.
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Speaker 1 It's a little sus.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 With Blue Chew, men everywhere are excited to see The Postman. Is that movie even horny? Oh, I remember with Kevin Costner.
That was a bad movie.

Speaker 1 Wait, is that really in the copy? Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 they're excited to see the Postman because he's bringing their dick pills. Oh, they mean the mailman.
This is written by like a British person. But the Postman was also like the lady.

Speaker 1 This is what I don't understand. It's like these companies, like, you know, like we've been working with Blue Chew for years, right?

Speaker 1 And for the most part, like, they give us autonomy. But when you talk to these, like, sponsors, they put their marketing people on the phone and they're like, oh, this is exactly what we need.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, they're hiring some British person to write this. It's like, oh, you'll be so happy to see the postman.
The postman.

Speaker 1 It's like, and then every American person who, and let's be honest, there's not that many British people listening. I don't even know who the fuck.
It's just your dad is watching this.

Speaker 1 My dad watches about

Speaker 1 100,000 times. Because your dad's the only person who watches the show.
Yeah, and he does it on different times. Well, but I guess he is British, so maybe they know more than he's not proper British.

Speaker 1 He lived in there, but no, he's Israeli. He's indigenous.
He's Cape Tonian. He's indigenous to South Africa.

Speaker 1 My family are indigenous. To South Africa.

Speaker 1 We are a Zulu. We're Koza.
Yeah. We're not indigenous to Israel.
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Speaker 1 Oh, this is the second half of the sentence. It gets better.
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So this, the mailman is bringing your penis

Speaker 1 to you. package is right, meaning it's like it's an arrival, like it's like you're this is the moment your dick's been waiting for.

Speaker 1 But also, the postman, from my understanding, is that the joke is that you know your child looks like the postman, right?

Speaker 1 The postman historically was some guy that was fucking wives. Well, everyone was at World War II.

Speaker 1 He got 4-H or whatever it's called, and he was just.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he was banging like What is the 4-H Club? What does that stand for? It's for like.

Speaker 1 Formos, hockey,

Speaker 1 hoe kicks, and hoedowns. Well, we say a lot of offensive stuff on this, but come on.
Is that offensive? You don't want that. That's what I'm just guessing what the 4-H Club.

Speaker 1 It's America's Future Farmers. You don't want to fucking know.
I don't know what they do. I've just heard that's the thing.

Speaker 1 You're in a club at school to be like

Speaker 1 making a pig 800 pounds.

Speaker 1 I remember being a kid and hearing 4-H Club and before, without any information, deciding my brain because my brain's done this with a lot of things in my life saying I'm never going to know what that I'm not

Speaker 1 I'm just gonna not learn what I don't need no part of that and there's other things like that where as a kid it was like yeah just don't learn don't this seems like it's not important don't ever know what this is I don't know if I can spell restaurant

Speaker 1 that's like a that's a Patrice O'Neal joke is it yeah I think so I don't know if I've ever gotten it right I think I just have

Speaker 1 like auto auto-correct.

Speaker 1 I think it's wrong every time I write it.

Speaker 1 Star,

Speaker 1 stower,

Speaker 1 A-U? Huh? That's a Patrice bit?

Speaker 1 I think so. I think, yeah.
Old genius. Two geniuses.
Yeah. You know, two geniuses.
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Being like, the male's here, or whatever the fuck happens. I think it was post-no.
It was apocalypse.

Speaker 1 I know it's raining, but the male's here. Yeah.

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Did you see his like he destroyed his marriage by doing too much cowboy movies? Really? That's what I think happened.

Speaker 1 He was beating the shit out of me. He wasn't beating his wife.
He just was like never home because he's like,

Speaker 1 he was spending the whole time doing like Yellowstone.

Speaker 1 Girls are so annoying. It's her fault.
Yeah, probably. I blame her.
That's probably the reality. Can you imagine how cool it would be to be exclusively a cowboy actor?

Speaker 1 I mean, well, because there was something, there was something about

Speaker 1 the divorce papers or whatever. The court, you know, like the celebrity news where they just...
For some reason, like, TMZ reporters are allowed access to celebrity divorce.

Speaker 1 I guess that's just how the courts work. I don't know.
That should be sealed. If it's presented as evidence in a trial, I guess it's public.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 yeah, it's like her lawyers were like, well, she needs $750,000 every month for buying purses for the children. And she got it.

Speaker 1 It was a massive amount of money. The alimony and child support is insane.
She's like, our children are used to... Because the argument is, is that...
like their standard of living. Well, they don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 If you get a divorce, it's like he's a movie star, so then the kids are going to like him more because when they're with him, they can go go do movie star of a shit when they're with her she's just some like

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 1 fucking lady that spends money I don't know like

Speaker 1 which hell is she which honestly it seems like it's gonna backfire because your kids are gonna grow up and they're gonna be like oh yeah my mom is just a parasite who's her mom who's who is their mom I don't think she did she literally doesn't what if it's Madeline Albright it was like it's a very impressive it was a woman it was a woman it's not Madeline Albright she's dead I looked into it it's not her you were like a cookie it's not it's not the it's not the Prime Minister of Italy either.

Speaker 1 It's not Janet Reno. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's not that Italian lady that's

Speaker 1 the sexy fascist. Yeah, she's right-wing, right? It's surprising she doesn't have more power globally than she does.
The sexy fascist? Yeah, just like a fucking like...

Speaker 1 Well, you know what she could do? Get OnlyFans take back shots.

Speaker 1 A lady like that doesn't need to.

Speaker 1 People love back shot videos. That's the kind of lady that like literally everyone, you're talking to her and you think, I'm like, can I fuck this

Speaker 1 You know, like because she's just Italian?

Speaker 1 Because she's just being Italian. She's just smoking cigarettes and being Italian.
And you're like, is this lady trying to fuck me? Of course, dude. Is she? Yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 Have you seen the Rocco Cifertti documentary? The one about that Italian porn star guy? No. But there's a really there's a really funny scene.
Is it Errol Morris?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's uh no, it's uh uh Landsman, the guy that did show a cloud landsman.

Speaker 1 Um there's a scene where he talks about fucking fucking like it he's so italian that it's like the passion that he has for like like he's a sculptor and it's his marble like just fucking is his his art or whatever and for some reason it sounds tight because he's italian but then there's a scene of him like I guess his grandma's friend when he was a little kid.

Speaker 1 It would be cool to have if Errol Morris did it and while he's speaking, like one of those like Errol Morris like

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 artistic kind of reenactments

Speaker 1 inserted and it's just sort of a man standing in a black room just uh you know like with low-key lighting and he's just standing there expressionless and his penis is getting hard and it's a guy that looks like him as uh-huh you know yeah so forti's talking it that that would be a very arroll morris it's awesome yeah that would be an awesome idea yeah well there's like a scene where he describes i think it was his grandma's friend's a funny name you know what i was singing about you know what's crazy is that his grandma's friend folks in the morning he's like 12.

Speaker 1 yeah is that that's it there was this, there was a Supreme Court justice named Clarence Thomas, a black guy named Clarence Thomas. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Because, I mean, already just becoming a Supreme Court justice is a black guy, that's like difficult. That's like a big deal, you know?

Speaker 1 As any guy, as anybody, but you know, black people or whatever, it's like that's they face adversity and stuff. But being a black guy named Clarence, also,

Speaker 1 like to become a Supreme Court, like that guy, usually it's like,

Speaker 1 I'm a black guy named Clarence Thomas. Like, you can, the number one thing you can aim for is probably like annoying, retarded guy at the hobby store.

Speaker 1 A guy yelling about how Tim Duncan is actually the best player of all time. Not even that.
Not even that.

Speaker 1 Clarence. Clarence, yeah.
Yeah. You think at the hobby store? He just, yeah, he spent his whole childhood getting smacked in the back of his head by his mom

Speaker 1 for like, you know, like trying to cross the intersection too early or something. I feel like there aren't young Clarences anymore.
There's not. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Then he became a Supreme Court just.
Well, he had to go far right, probably, to account for

Speaker 1 all the challenges he probably faced. It's like the options were Supreme Court Justice or literally being radio

Speaker 1 for his name. Radio's real name is probably very close to Clarence Thomas.
I don't know his real name.

Speaker 1 It's probably something like that.

Speaker 1 Let's look it up. Check it out.
We got to look it up. It is probably Clarence Thomas.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Miss Clarence.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 His name is Clay.

Speaker 1 Wait, so

Speaker 1 how did you always do that? You knew that.

Speaker 1 You knew Radio's name wasn't. I was really that stupid.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.
No, now you're pictured. Yes and no, you weren't.
Yes, I was. I just saw a picture of Clarence Thomas in a robe.
No, you.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You really think I'm that stupid? You thought that was real. Of course, I thought it was real.

Speaker 1 What is radio's name? I'm looking at

Speaker 1 Radio Disambiguation, films.

Speaker 1 So the subsections on Wikipedia are films, music, see also, and mentally retarded people.

Speaker 1 No. No, it's not.

Speaker 1 Not to be confused with Radio Woe, a neighborhood of Warsaw, Poland.

Speaker 1 That's probably kind of a hip-hop style radio. I hope Poland, whenever neighborhood.
Look, World War III is about to happen again. I hope Poland gets absolutely fucked in its ass one more time.

Speaker 1 What's your beef with the Polish? It's just a stupid country. Well, yeah, we all all know that, but like, who are they hurting?

Speaker 1 Honestly, I had no problem with them until I saw the name of that neighborhood just a second ago.

Speaker 1 I told you, I sent you that article of their army in World War I, right?

Speaker 1 The Polish military.

Speaker 1 So funny. They just put on capes and just walked into machine gun fire.

Speaker 1 I don't, I mean, I don't get why, why are they the worst whites?

Speaker 1 Like, what's what's what's the genesis of that?

Speaker 1 Like Dutch people are pretty

Speaker 1 pretty like

Speaker 1 stupid too, no? James Kennedy. That's radio's real name.
Oh, so he's a Kennedy. Yeah, he's a Kennedy.
Can you imagine killing that Kennedy? Can you imagine that?

Speaker 1 How funny that'd be if somebody shot radio in the head in the 60s and then

Speaker 1 like through

Speaker 1 the CIA and he's like, mission accomplished. They're like, you monster.
He's like, what?

Speaker 1 They're like, not that, Kennedy.

Speaker 1 We're all heartbroken. You would have had a real big laugh about that over Langley.
I can tell you that.

Speaker 1 That is hilarious. You thought that that guy was.
I thought he was one of these civil rights guys.

Speaker 1 You shot radio.

Speaker 1 You shot radio in the head.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, coach, my noggin hurts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, coach. He survives.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He lives a long time, radio. He only died like two years ago.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good for him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did he look exactly like Cuba Goodwing? No, he looked nothing like him. He actually looked like Clarence Thomas, kind of.
Did he?

Speaker 1 James Kennedy Radio.

Speaker 1 Why was his name Radio? Yeah, no, actually, he did look. I said that as a joke, but I do remember he does look like Clarence Thomas.
Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 he looks almost identical to Clarence Thomas, honestly. No, that that's 100% true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Clarence Thomas. How'd you do that? That's actually impressive.
Yeah, and then radio.

Speaker 1 And then what do you say?

Speaker 1 Black guy? Radio football. Oh yeah, radio football.
Real life.

Speaker 1 Radio.

Speaker 1 T

Speaker 1 T C Hannah. What was the name of that fucking high school?

Speaker 1 Adam, can you turn your pack around?

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 I don't know Ginsburg just texted me

Speaker 1 all right did I is the audio fucked James

Speaker 1 Ginsburg is the audio fucked

Speaker 1 I'm good

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 anyways yeah folks playing along at home you can look up radio yeah James Robert Kennedy a kid you guys are really gonna get a kick out of this one yeah especially all of our British fans

Speaker 1 who don't who know exactly who Clarence Thomas is. Do you think everyone around the world like knows all of our shit? Yeah, we're America.
Yeah. You know what's funny? It's like

Speaker 1 it's like they talk about dying empires and America is just like, first of all,

Speaker 1 we live in like a hot like a hot culture. Right? Like sexy? Well, we're popular.
No, not sexy, but like the world power is mostly based on like what's hot. It's a pop is popularity.

Speaker 1 Aesthetics are now the most important thing in the world. And I'd say the United States is too messy to ever really, like the world is never going to want to pay attention to what's going on in China.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't care.
It doesn't matter how good their economy does, how powerful their military is. I'll learn ping.
Right. Nobody's going to.
I'll learn one guy.

Speaker 1 Nobody's going to know who the vice president is. Yeah.
Or like fucking like who like, oh, the cast of

Speaker 1 Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, they're cheating on each other. Nobody cares about that.

Speaker 1 It just won't ever...

Speaker 1 Like, we have... Like, there's never going to be a Chinese version of Jersey Shorts.
We're the coolest. The closest they got was that guy that drank beer.
That was like their number one.

Speaker 1 That guy was awesome. It was the guy that drank beer.
And they took him away from us. Yeah.
Party was like, you have a problem.

Speaker 1 This sucks. Yeah.
He was awesome, that guy. Yeah.
Yeah, they're not messy. They're not messy enough.
It's not even messy. It's cool enough.
What, America? Yeah, we're awesome. Our culture is awesome.

Speaker 1 We don't really have a culture, do we? Rock and roll, dunking.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Radio. Radio? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All pretty much the tightest shit in the world. That song, Radio Goo-goo, by Queen, were they making fun of this guy?

Speaker 1 Was that, was that for? Is that why he got AIDS? It was like a karma thing? I think discriminated groups will often turn on each other. Yeah.
And like the AIDS rock stars turn on mentally.

Speaker 1 Because the lyrics are like, all I hear from radio is goo-goo. Yeah.
Faga, I'm a stupid baby it's really mean yeah it's a mean song I'm glad he's dead

Speaker 1 radio gaga

Speaker 1 what a stupid song yeah actually it's a great song

Speaker 1 I don't even know it it's about a little boy growing up in the 40s being in love with his radio oh it sounds like a you kind of thing I didn't listen to the radio yeah but you like not from the 40s air raid sirens you like

Speaker 1 Indian

Speaker 1 machine

Speaker 1 First of all, I didn't even know I liked air raid sirens until I was about 23 years old. So

Speaker 1 you consider that like a bar mitzvah, kind of like becoming a man a little bit? No, I just did by chance. I had an afternoon where I got really into them, and I'm like, I guess I love air raid sirens.

Speaker 1 So you identify that as an adult interest? Because you know, just a grown-up interest? I would hear them sometimes as a kid.

Speaker 1 You know how sometimes like a volunteer fire department will have one or like a tornado siren?

Speaker 1 And we're in a hockey stadium where they score a goal. No, those are air horns.

Speaker 1 They do them. The sirens? In sports games.
Home runs now get them. They have an air raiser.
Yeah, it's pretty pimp.

Speaker 1 No, I just had an afternoon watching YouTube videos when I was 23. And then I was like, I just had memories of being like a kid and hearing.

Speaker 1 I remember staying at my cousin's house one time and hearing one out in the distance. And I was like, that's fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 They have them now for the classes, for Shabat. Yeah, they've always had that.
That's not new. Well,

Speaker 1 I'm saying we haven't lived in New York our whole lives. But now that we live here, they have them for the Chasets.
Yeah, but we're them for the Chasets. We've been in New York a decade.

Speaker 1 Do you think like 10 years we're like.

Speaker 1 I was asking Jamel this. Yeah.
Even though he's not from New York. But he's black.

Speaker 1 He's from New York. He's black.
All black people are from New York. Tim's Yankee Fitted, 10 years.

Speaker 1 I feel like. Oh, but you're not from uptown.

Speaker 1 You probably have spent

Speaker 1 zoo Yankees games don't count. The amount of time you've spent uptown is.
In the Bronx? Yeah. I go to Arthur Apps sometimes.
Yeah, even that doesn't count either. The Bronx Botanical Garden?

Speaker 1 No, no destination. Like, how much time have you spent hanging out uptown?

Speaker 1 I hang out.

Speaker 1 The Dominicans?

Speaker 1 Smoke Huka.

Speaker 1 Are they still wearing Tim's up there?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They are? Everyone's wearing Tim's. No, that's not a Brooklyn thing.
Brooklyn people wear Tims. But it's not like, I feel like it's an uptown thing.
It's a Brooklyn spreadlist. First of all.

Speaker 1 It's a Brooklyn thing. Okay.
We're in Fort Green.

Speaker 1 I did my time. You live next to like a baby, like

Speaker 1 the gangster baby clothes store.

Speaker 1 I live closer.

Speaker 1 It went out of business. Thank God.

Speaker 1 I really hope that family took out like a half a million dollar loan. Just being like,

Speaker 1 yeah, now that my job as being a vice photographer has dried up, like this is going to be like, me and my wife, we just know this is this is our take. It just blew their inherited wealth.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 It's just gone. Yeah.
They have to leave New York after 23 years of being. They go to a shithole.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because their gangster babies stored in the bank. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try the gangster baby business in Hudson where they where they appreciate me a little bit more.

Speaker 1 Are Gen Z people moving to New York? I guess they have to be.

Speaker 1 Out in Bushwick, is there like a whole rack of people? I think it's still Bushwick. It's still Bushwick.
It's still Bushwick. I think it's still Bushwick.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see it.

Speaker 1 It would honestly be nauseating to look at it. Well, I was never a Bushwick guy.
I never hung out there.

Speaker 1 I lived there first, and I was like, this is nauseating.

Speaker 1 No, we went to, we saw that

Speaker 1 in Maria Hernandez Park. Like, I was pissed off skating.
But that was 10 years ago. 10 years ago.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You remember we were playing Settlers at Catan and

Speaker 1 we figured out my old roommate's fetish?

Speaker 1 The tickling? No.

Speaker 1 That must have been you and Wardell.

Speaker 1 No, it was. Wardell doesn't, he's not smart enough to play a settler.
We were not playing Catan at your house. I'll tell you who we were playing with.
Who?

Speaker 1 Old

Speaker 1 Praxis,

Speaker 1 old Jakey.

Speaker 1 That was at... The three of us were playing...
No, it was not at the Korean guy's house. It was was at the Korean guy's house.
No, you were playing Call of Duty that day.

Speaker 1 What? We were playing Catan in my apartment in Bushwick, and then we heard the girl from the room dying of laughter. And then you were like, is he tickling her?

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, I guess I hear girls dying of laughter every night.

Speaker 1 And then I realized he was a tickle fetisher. I think somebody else was there.
I don't think it was me. What? I know for a fact it was you because you figured it out.
You didn't have Catan.

Speaker 1 I had Catan.

Speaker 1 I didn't have the expansion pack.

Speaker 1 I had the three to four players. I have the expansion pack.
I got the expansion pack a couple years ago. I was like, I'm going to get board games.
I'm rich now. I'm going to have board games.

Speaker 1 And I got the expansion pack and never, I haven't even played the regular game.

Speaker 1 Could you imagine now for five or six players? Now you have to make six people. Can you imagine ruining that many people's night?

Speaker 1 Dude. Like if you invite six people over to your house, and then once they're there, you're like, we're playing Catan with the expansion pack

Speaker 1 can you imagine being that much of a just a just a social just a bad vampire loser just an awful yeah it's kind of akin to when my friend's now wife tried to put on the Hamilton soundtrack

Speaker 1 no she put on Hamilton while we were pre-gaming

Speaker 1 My friend was dating this girl now they're married

Speaker 1 and she put on Hamilton she's like we all like rap don't we oh my god

Speaker 1 no but you know know what's worse than that. It's like playing the Katana.
Because you can relate that. You can be like, oh my God, this bitch put on Hamilton.

Speaker 1 You can laugh about it later. If you were like,

Speaker 1 there was five, they got on Katan and the expansion. You know what's worse? It was my house.
Really?

Speaker 1 She had no right. She had your house.
She had no right to. She had no right at my house.
And I wanted to be nice because my friend just started dating this girl. So I wanted to be a good friend.

Speaker 1 She had no right. They're married.
Who is it?

Speaker 1 Friend? Ian Finance. It's Ian Finance.
Ian's wife.

Speaker 1 It was his boyfriend at the time.

Speaker 1 No, it was his wife. Yeah.
Ian, I think it was Ian that jammed gum under the cup that was on. He was so badly behaved when he was here.
He thinks it's funny to like destroy this.

Speaker 1 He smokes cigarettes here. I've never, yeah, I can see that.
The thing is, I don't understand what he's doing.

Speaker 1 I've never been here when he's been here, but it's like he thinks it's funny to like break, like just make a mess in here. I don't understand.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's like, dude, it's like the 60s.
What if I fucking fucking put gum under the cup and smoked and burned things? And well, he has to do that in order not to relapse. I'm a rebel without a car.

Speaker 1 From what I understand, he has to. Guys,

Speaker 1 I'm a rebel. Guys, I got a little knife.
He should have a one-inch blade. He was bragging to us about how we don't understand what it's like on the streets of Newport, Delaware.

Speaker 1 He's like, you don't understand the crackheads, the punks, the gossips, the queers.

Speaker 1 Is he having like a Delaware moment because of Joe Biden? He has to be like, no, I'm Mr. Delaware.
I'm not going to look at. Maybe it's that.
Maybe Biden has brought out

Speaker 1 a new monster inside of Ian. I would hope not.
I would hope not. In that case, I'm going Trump.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you ever think that we're living in a simulation, but the point of the simulation isn't humanity?

Speaker 1 It's just we're like subroutines in the program and the thing is just designed to study Ian Finance. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That like we're just like basically agents. We are all the other people in Truman's show.
Yeah, like yes. But we don't know we're in the dome, right? We don't know we're in.

Speaker 1 I would say we're more like the programs from like

Speaker 1 Matrix 2. Like I always imagine everyone else.
I'm the little Chinese guy with all the keys. I'm a Joe Pantilligan.
What's his name? No, that's the, that was a human that got taken. I said Matrix 2.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I would be Matrix. I would be human, sorry.
No, you're not human. You don't understand how fully I live life.

Speaker 1 It seems,

Speaker 1 Mr. Friedland, you have lived too live.
You are kind of Agent Smith. No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. Why? I have no interest in maintaining an order.
Everybody has a wrong read about on me.

Speaker 1 Yourself, first and foremost.

Speaker 1 You're the wheelchair black guy. I am neither...

Speaker 1 I am neither a law and order guy, nor am I like a chaotic

Speaker 1 you're the bug you're the bug robots huh you're the mean bug robots that you have to do a EMP pulse to kill the sentinels the sentinels uh no

Speaker 1 who are you then in Matrix the Chinese guy with all the keys I'm Neo the key maker

Speaker 1 I am the key maker

Speaker 1 that guy is cool yeah wait wait he's from like 80s comedies that guy know the doors no it's not data it's not that's not short round it's not short round? No. I'm just racist.
Yes.

Speaker 1 He's the premier of China?

Speaker 1 Yeah, President Xi. He's the Japanese Prime Minister.
That was... I feel like it didn't get enough attention when that guy built a gun and killed the ex-prime minister of Japan with

Speaker 1 PVC pipes and stuff.

Speaker 1 That's pretty fucking crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like the game, what's the game? Fallout.

Speaker 1 What are you looking at? I've definitely said that before. Keymaker

Speaker 1 Matrix

Speaker 1 2.

Speaker 1 So played by Randall Duck Kim. Oh, I know who you are, actually.

Speaker 1 You're the lady that the Merovingian makes bust in her pants. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm the French pervert that

Speaker 1 makes you cream from a dessert.

Speaker 1 He's not paying attention to me.

Speaker 1 No, I'm looking at this film on. Randall Kim.
What is he in?

Speaker 1 He was in Tora Tora Torah, but as an extra. Oh.
And then he wasn't in a movie until 1995. He's Harold, though.

Speaker 1 In what?

Speaker 1 Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Yeah.
He's in the Thid Red Line. Amazing.
As Uncredited. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anna in the King and an Eye. He plays General Alak.

Speaker 1 He plays Shu in the Lost Empire.

Speaker 1 He plays the Keymaker in Matrix Reloaded. Wow.
He plays Dr. Crab in Memoirs of a Geisha.
Let's keep going.

Speaker 1 Year of the Fish, Kung Fu Panda. Oh, he's Master Ugwe.

Speaker 1 What? Kung Fu Panda.

Speaker 1 Shout out to the Kung Fu. Have you ever seen that movie? I've never seen it.
Master Ugwe is so funny, dude.

Speaker 1 He's a turtle. He's Jack Black, no?

Speaker 1 Yeah. So Master Ugwe is the turtle.

Speaker 1 So there's like the one Kung Fu Master is a little raccoon guy. And so he's the one that has to train Kung Fu Panda.
And he's like, we're lucked in to do it.

Speaker 1 But his master is an old Chinese turtle who doesn't really do much karate anymore. He's just like, like the spirit of the forest.
He's like Yoda. Yeah, basically.
But they animate him in a way.

Speaker 1 They're like, make this turtle

Speaker 1 just fucking chai-ass beast.

Speaker 1 Like, just crank it to a level. He's like the Lando's co-pilot? Well, he's like, he's like shaking the whole time, and he's always like licking his lips in like a very old Chinese guy way.

Speaker 1 He's like, you are more.

Speaker 1 Remember the A.

Speaker 1 And it's the key maker, dude. Yeah, it's the key maker.

Speaker 1 So sick. Yeah.
Master Ugwe. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Master Ugwei.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I mean, look at this fucking guy.

Speaker 1 He's squinting. Do you remember the...

Speaker 1 He's like, fucking... They're like, yeah, make it.
Like,

Speaker 1 what would a turtle doing a racist impression of a Chinese guy look like? That's so funny. Yeah.
Do you remember the Jewish turtle in Rocco's Modern Life?

Speaker 1 Philbert. No.
His best friend.

Speaker 1 I'm nauseous.

Speaker 1 It is time, Philip.

Speaker 1 To become the Dragon Warrior. Master Ugwe, you summoned me.
Is something wrong? I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was. How interesting.

Speaker 1 Why must something be wrong for me to want to see my old friend?

Speaker 1 Master, are you pointing at me? Yeah, well, that's like the other thing, too. It's like the movie is...
They're all in China. Right.
And he's the only character that's like Chinese. Yeah, like

Speaker 1 the like Kung Fu Panda's jack black. Yeah, it's cool.
And then the rest of them are like, you know, they have Chinese names or whatever. But they're Americans.
Yeah, they all sound American.

Speaker 1 And then there's one that's like, you must be. Actual Chinese.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But it shows that he knows the most about karate and he's the wisest.
He's Confucian. You must bereave.

Speaker 1 No way.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, no way?

Speaker 1 That's a line in the movie. You must believe.
Oh, I thought he actually says bereave. Kung Fu Band is good, dude.
The first time I watched it,

Speaker 1 it was when I first moved to Austin.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the first thing I did is I bought an ounce of weed.

Speaker 1 You bought a zip? Which was only $60.

Speaker 1 So it was trash. It was the worst.
I mean, seeds, stems. Off like a meth addict lady.

Speaker 1 My roommate, who is like an ex-con bricklayer, brought me to some meth addict's house to buy an ounce of weed off this lady. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's just like...

Speaker 1 60 bones? Yeah, like whole, just

Speaker 1 a body made of cigarettes, you know. And she's like...
Yeah, I bought this fucking, you know, this ounce of just, it was like dark green.

Speaker 1 There was no buds on it, yeah, right, exactly. So, I smoked the entire thing.
That weed sucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was like, oh man, I might as well just get try to get as high as possible, even though this is like making me feel like you gotta finish it.

Speaker 1 And then I drove to the fries electronics next to my house because I didn't really know what to do. And when I moved down there, I was living like actually pretty far outside of the city.

Speaker 1 So I went to the fries electronics where the front of the store just looks like a big grand piano.

Speaker 1 So sick, especially when you're high. Fry's was

Speaker 1 fries was an awesome store that's just definitely out of business um fries had everything

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 it looked like a piano yeah it's only the one in austin why what's the point of that though it's not a music shop yeah it's so that it had like a grand piano is the entrance to this so cool so um

Speaker 1 Yeah, I went there and they had the like,

Speaker 1 you know, the home theater section. and I kind of like just stumbled in.
You watched it there. I sat down and watched Kung Fu Panda there.
You know when he bought you hit the binger?

Speaker 1 No, I mean before I remember that video of those guys at Ikea hitting smoking weed, yes, and they're all like 12 and there's one 65-year-old man smoking with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah. Damn, maybe I'll watch Kung Fu Panda 2 tonight.
I wonder where does it go? Who's the bad guy? Hmm, the Huns, the Mongolians, yeah. It's it's let's get down down to business to defeat

Speaker 1 the Huns.

Speaker 1 It's some

Speaker 1 business.

Speaker 1 Let's give these guys business

Speaker 1 to defeat.

Speaker 1 Oh, what?

Speaker 1 A woman.

Speaker 1 It looks a...

Speaker 1 She says it's a guy, but I'd still probably hit it. What the hell were we talking about? Fry's electronics? I thought we were talking about penmanship.

Speaker 1 I miss stores.

Speaker 1 You know what it's called? What it's called when there's a retailer. You know when you go to a place and they have a dick sporting goods in a Best Buy and like a bed bath and beyond? Shopping center?

Speaker 1 No, those are called power centers. No.
Yeah. I've never heard that.
They're called power centers. By who?

Speaker 1 By real estate developers. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How do we get in on? I feel like tucking my hair into my hat makes me look like I have breast cancer.

Speaker 1 It makes it, no, it makes you look like you're Sikh. Yeah.
Yeah. Like you.
I would love to be Sikh.

Speaker 1 Apparently Toronto is just lousy with Sikhs. Just fucking, just drive Uber all day, never get stressed out.
I'm like, traffic? Great. Sounds good to me.
Yeah. Not even smoking weed.

Speaker 1 Have you seen their swim? I'm wearing my bracelet and get a manicure as then I go home to my sword. Yeah, their symbol has a sword in the middle.
It's fucking badass. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It looks like Klingon, kind of. Yeah.
It looks like alien kind of like logo.

Speaker 1 The fucking like the seal of Iran looks like Klingon to me. That's a similar kind of looking thing.

Speaker 1 How do we help Iran out? I think they're going to kind of implode on their own. They don't have money.
They're making nukes. That's good.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 their money will respect you. Their money will probably be fine.

Speaker 1 China has their back. China and Russia and Brazil.

Speaker 1 So they'll be fine in an economic standpoint. It's just, I don't know how much longer they can get away with having...

Speaker 1 The problem will be prosperity because it's like, I don't think they can continue being like an Islamic republic forever.

Speaker 1 They just did the thing. They hang people from a crane.

Speaker 1 I don't think you can keep doing that.

Speaker 1 Apparently, if they catch you being gay, they give you a pussy. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 That's a wild policy. But like, they're hanging people for like throwing sandals at a judge.
I mean, it's like you can't. You can't do that.
Right, you can't.

Speaker 1 They either got to stop the executions or pick a more humane way of executing people. You can't do it with construction equipment.
For throwing a shoe, you shouldn't kill.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I mean, you can kill, but at least put some like our killing. Your issue is the gear.

Speaker 1 I don't, I'm against the death penalty, but at least the way we do it is like, I mean, California, they do like a mini Auschwitz. They have a gas chamber, you know.
I thought that was like Utah, no?

Speaker 1 No, it's California. They hang in Utah still.
They do firing range in Utah still. So pimp.
Yeah, that's a bug. Yeah, yeah.
That's probably the most humane way to die. Instant.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, your heart explodes, basically. It fucking, it's basically like, you know, because it's five, it's like 10 bullets into your, it just blows out your heart.
They don't go headshot?

Speaker 1 But what if, you know, it would be really scary if they had five girls and they all missed and you're still alive?

Speaker 1 The lethal injection is like, that one gets boshed all the fucking time because they have to get like, I know that.

Speaker 1 They have to get like medicine from vets, like expired medicine from it doesn't work all the time it doesn't work and when it doesn't work it's like you know it's like three drugs like the barbituates are supposed to knock you out so you can't feel any pain and then the next drug is basically just like salt that like bullet like burns all your fucking like uh

Speaker 1 you wake up like screaming well yeah i mean it's like basically your blood is fire if the barbituates don't work so then you're paralyzed and you can't scream and you're just like entire insides are burning

Speaker 1 i mean it's like it's fucking insane. The electric chair is the same thing.

Speaker 1 The whole shit doesn't work all the time either. The electric chair is just, they just, basically, they just, they're cooking you.
I think they put that into retirement. The electric chair?

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure. Well, there's still a lot of guys that choose the electric chair over the lethal injection.
Really? Yeah. Because they're metal.
I mean, if they're not.

Speaker 1 If they keep it electric penalty, you should be able to pick whatever option, which style you want.

Speaker 1 That's what I would say. If I was ever at death row, I'd be like, suck my dick to death.
That's what I was thinking myself, too. Honestly, if we did that game where we thought of the same thing,

Speaker 1 we would have gotten it. You want to see if telepathy? Suck my dick to death.
All right, just choose a word.

Speaker 1 Okay. And write it, and then we'll show the word, and it'll be the.
I feel like. Oh, write the same word.
Pick a category.

Speaker 1 Adam.

Speaker 1 Tennis?

Speaker 1 That's not a category.

Speaker 1 I mean, it could kind of.

Speaker 1 But it's so limited. I mean, yeah, yeah, make it harder.

Speaker 1 Like, you would say sports, and then tennis would be what we both wrote down. Not tennis, and then we both write down a ball.
I don't know. Racket.
Yeah, right. Net.

Speaker 1 King Charles. Or King.
What's it? I was going to say this. Richard, King Charles.
Whatever the other move is, perfect crime. You get the death penalty.
Final meal. You asked to eat the electric chair.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You said, I want to eat, that's what I want for my meal.
I want to eat the electric chair.

Speaker 1 Did you die from heavy metal poison No, you just eat the chair and then or you have a couple you eat the important parts and then you're like oh, I'm stuffed and they're like all right.

Speaker 1 Well, we're gonna have to postpone the execution. I'm like well that legally I get another meal.
So

Speaker 1 let me know when the chair is fixed and then we'll I'll have my actual final meal and I will be having the chair

Speaker 1 Right. Once again, I'll be having the chair.
So you just have to eat a chair for the rest of your life?

Speaker 1 You indefinitely postpone your own execution by eating the chair and then the entire time writing cruel letters to the family of the eight-year-old you ran over. Yeah.
Say, ha, ha, ha. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah.
I'm sorry I murdered your son. Not.
It wouldn't be.

Speaker 1 It said no one ever.

Speaker 1 No one ever.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That'd be so funny at sentencing that gives the most sarcastic piece of shit and his friends think it's

Speaker 1 so sorry. to play tag in my yard

Speaker 1 we can play okay but let's keep playing go ahead keep playing tag i said now my 1995 ford bronco is also playing i thought we had to stand your ground law in this damn state

Speaker 1 i felt threatened

Speaker 1 your son was raping me with his eyes all right let's do it give us a better category

Speaker 1 uh vegetables

Speaker 1 vegetables that's not that limited okay

Speaker 1 Fuck, it's not a vegetable. I'm so stupid.
What you put tomato down? I put cucumber. That's a vegetable.
But it has seeds.

Speaker 1 I first of all, I that's another thing I don't want to know.

Speaker 1 You know what we were talking about earlier?

Speaker 1 I just don't want to know which one is technically what. Who cares? Yeah, that's like a thing for that's a that is very much a millennial thing.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. It's a Jim and Pam style.
Yeah. All right, let's okay.
Vegetable.

Speaker 1 All right, so I wrote down broccoli I wrote down squash

Speaker 1 Damn, but I also drew broccoli around where I wrote it down. That's very creative.
That's very creative. Okay, let's try again second second round same with vegetable.

Speaker 1 No, we're gonna get it second round. No, no, we'll see how many rounds we need.
What is the Supreme Court case that determines whether

Speaker 1 fruits are fruits and vegetables? Is it Nick's versus Hedden?

Speaker 1 1890?

Speaker 1 That's a real thing? I think it is. I think it's a Supreme Court case.
It's Nick's versus Hedden, isn't it?

Speaker 1 1893. Yeah.

Speaker 1 1893?

Speaker 1 Thanks, Adam.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Adam.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? I'm not going to respect the Supreme Court ever again after finding that out.

Speaker 1 What a waste of time. Okay, let's try it.
Vegetable. One more.

Speaker 1 Justice Horace Gray. Can you imagine that name? Come on.

Speaker 1 They're not a serious person.

Speaker 1 Can I get a slice of pussy off you, ma'am? Can you imagine he wrote a fucking

Speaker 1 dude? Would you mind if I got a piece of pussy off you for Mr. Horace?

Speaker 1 This fucking just mongoloid dope. Made it all the way to the Supreme.

Speaker 1 Yeah, everybody used to be a fucking idiot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine going back there in time and just being the smartest guy in the world?

Speaker 1 You know, every chick would trick them into fucking you with logic. Sometimes I think about that as like going back to feudal times.

Speaker 1 Those people are idiots. Just getting top off a peasant.

Speaker 1 Just tell them you're the Lord. Yeah.
Just be like, yeah, I'm the Lord.

Speaker 1 They're like, I've cowed.

Speaker 1 They don't have teeth also. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Those chicks had to be so nasty. Yeah, probably.
No. What chick would you.
You need like a milkmaiden.

Speaker 1 A big dick.

Speaker 1 How busted were women in the 1500s? Yeah, look that up. How busted were...
What was the most busted era? In the 1500s. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, dude. They were fucking terrible.

Speaker 1 Honestly, though. I would not fuck with that.
That's the thing. It's like, as soon as time machines were invented, I mean, I'd do it.
I'd go back and I'd be like, well, let's see.

Speaker 1 You would fuck that just show the camera. Well, just because I'm from the future.
So you wouldn't, for like academic purposes. Yeah, you just hold on to whatever the...

Speaker 1 Are those her ears? What is that on top? What? How does she look like that?

Speaker 1 I don't know. You think if you lived in France.
Honestly, this looks like the kind of women you would be dating if you didn't have...

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you weren't famous. If society told me that was a hot kind of woman, I probably would look at it.

Speaker 1 If you were like, I did what my dad did my brother. Daddy told me to become a paralegal, so I am.

Speaker 1 That was my job before

Speaker 1 becoming an attorney. Yeah, you would never have.

Speaker 1 I was going to be a lifelong lawyer. You never would have made it.
I would have been such a bad lawyer.

Speaker 1 Look at my lawyer, dog. I'm going to jail.

Speaker 1 I would just try to give the most passionate speeches for my closing argument.

Speaker 1 Try to get one of those like,

Speaker 1 you know one of those kind of moments like a movie.

Speaker 1 Ginsburg where are we at by the way?

Speaker 1 Okay we're wrapping it up guys. I have to go.
Yeah Adam's got to catch a flight. You're going to

Speaker 1 what? Why am I what do you mean? Okay. I've got to do it.

Speaker 1 This is not the first of all this is not seven years ago when one of us would get a commercial and it had to be kept a secret.

Speaker 1 You've been hired for this job because of who you are. Don't get into your head that you're a pretty.
It's a physical thing. That has been hired to model clothes.

Speaker 1 They're paying him, let's say, an amount of money that pisses me off. Nick is mad about it, and he's not excited for me.

Speaker 1 And I would think that you would get excited by having a friend that's the model. I would think that you would think that's a cool thing.

Speaker 1 I would if I didn't have to, like, hey, that's the other thing. I guess I'll be at the Columbus Funnybone

Speaker 1 in mid-February, and then touring starts again. I have no material.

Speaker 1 I have no plan. I don't know how I'm going to do it.
I'll bring someone funny to feature, but I guarantee you those shows, it's going to be a fucking nightmare.

Speaker 1 I can't do crowd work. I refuse to do it.
I was like, oh, the old tour will end.

Speaker 1 I have shit I have to do. I don't have time to be.

Speaker 1 I do not have time to be. I was like, that's like, okay, well, I'll take a two-month break from touring, and I'll just go do spots every night.
I don't have time for that.

Speaker 1 Sounds like it's going to be awesome. 19th and 20th of January, Tampa, Florida.
I'd much rather just be modeling.

Speaker 1 I'm hoping that I could don't have to do a stand-up again. Model.
You were saying, Nick was saying yesterday, you're in Tampa, you're at Side Splitters. Tampa.
When? Two weeks from now.

Speaker 1 What are your ticket sales at? Probably 14.

Speaker 1 That's a fun club, dude.

Speaker 1 Our careers are failing right now. It's fucking bad.
It's bad right now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why? I can't tell shit.

Speaker 1 I'm peeing.