Ep. P10 – Hurry Up With My Damn Croissants

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Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast.

I'm joined by Nick today.

Very special episode.

Sorry, I'm just...

Which camera is on?

Three.

Three.

No, two.

But this one doesn't light up?

So I have to sit here and

there it goes.

And then this one does too.

All right.

You all do?

Well, then something needs to be fixed.

Something needs to be fixed.

That one's on now.

It needs to be fixed in the setting.

Alright, you want to play a game?

Switch camera, then we'll first want to point with it.

Like

saw.

No.

No.

Wait.

Who wants to play a game?

Wait, now they're both on.

Why are these both on?

You want to play a fucking game?

Guys, is everything switching okay back there?

Alright.

Well, we're gonna have to figure out why those tally lights don't work.

In fact, we might even scrap the entire camera system

and pick up some of those studio cameras.

What do you mean?

They make these but for um

like for doing what we're doing.

I think they came out after we already bought these.

What does studio mean?

Uh they're bi they're they've got uh I think it's the same camera.

They just got like a s bigger fucking seven inch monitor and then uh they got they got big tally lights on them that light up.

So instead of just this guy, there'd be like a number, you know, like a fucking, like a big red number.

We need that.

Yeah.

Did you shit yourself?

No, why?

There's this smell.

I didn't shit myself.

Okay, all right.

I'm just.

We got a big show

today.

I was in Omaha all weekend.

That was a fucking blur.

That whole thing was a blur.

And I'll be at Brea.

I think that's in Southern California somewhere.

The tar pits.

No, that's La Brea.

Where the fuck is Brea?

Where are they sending us?

I don't know, Orange County.

But I'll be there.

If you're at the Irvine shows, come out.

I guarantee you there's at least 10 minutes that's different that I've swapped out that hour.

10 to 15 minutes.

All right.

It's different.

I don't think I'm talking about the Oscars anymore, thank God.

What do you mean?

It was just the Oscars.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm still doing stuff about the Winter Olympics.

Oh.

That was like three years ago.

Yeah, I know.

But, hey, you know what they say?

Time flies when you're having fun.

Yeah.

It also just flies all the fucking time.

Your life just sort of.

It really does.

The only time time doesn't fly is if you're like in Auschwitz or

in like a musician.

You can't imagine how slow it went.

And if you're in like a POW camp.

I can't imagine how slow it went.

Yeah, if you're getting your shoulders ripped out by a Vietnamese prison guard.

That's the only time.

And you're like, this is taking forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It must be a pain in the ass.

The 24th.

Hold on.

I didn't even get my plug-in yet.

Sorry.

23rd through the 25th, I'll be in Brea.

Please come out.

Whoever your favorite comedian is, they'll be there too.

Yes.

And I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina the 23rd, 24th, 25th with Caleb Pitts, native son of North Carolina.

You're doing the new Charlie Goodnights.

The Charlie.

I think so.

Yeah, the pop.

Was it 330 capacity when you were there?

I did the old Charlie Goodnights.

I haven't been in the new one.

Yes.

I think it's called the pop-up or something.

Maybe they're waiting waiting for the new one to pop up.

Oh, they haven't.

They're waiting on insurance or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

A liquor license.

Anyway, ticket sales are

really good.

They're looking really good for that one.

So

run, don't walk to get tickets.

Is that true?

No.

Oh, all right.

No.

And then I will be in Salt Lake City two weeks after that on the 6th through the 8th.

The ticket sales are really starting to hurt.

When I first went out on the road, sell out immediately.

Yeah.

And then I I remember it started where it's like, okay, maybe they'd sell out like

day off.

That's where I'm at.

Now it's just bad.

And I thought I would get more than a year.

Because

that happens to everybody.

Everybody who loses becomes a has-been.

But

I tell you what, I will be literally homeless before I'm one of these fucking guys that's like taking a guarantee and doing shows with 75 people and

like a 40%.

400%.

I'm not gonna be I'm not gonna be 50 years old I will literally

I will live on the train and fucking just beat off and do fentanyl yeah you can't take that I refuse to do it yeah I would rather have the dignity of being a nude homeless drug addict with the newspaper in your ass crack kind of guy than be than be a 50-year-old man talking about the 2016 Winter Olympics

to guys that can't let a podcast go.

Yeah, so that guy lost his penis, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Back in 2016.

You know.

Yeah.

You know exactly.

I know you're man.

You know exactly how that,

man, I gotta write more.

But the thing is, you can't, do you write stand-up?

You don't fucking.

No.

No.

No.

You get drunk and then something happens.

And you're like, oh, that's good.

You say it on stage.

But it's like, it's honestly, it's not even on me.

I'm not a lazy writer.

The world has been lazy about doing things.

It's true.

What was that?

What was the Harambe year?

That was 2016.

The world was doing their job.

2016.

In the writers of the year.

Subway Jarrett, fucking Papa John saying the N-word on a conference call.

Fucking

what else happened that year?

It was amazing.

It was a really beautiful thing.

The Trump was new.

Oh, my God.

He wasn't even president yet.

He was saying, Jeb, you're a low energy.

Yeah.

Please clap.

I mean, even you don't even have to get in that.

It was great.

It was just fun stories.

That baby got eaten by an alligator.

I remember that.

And it was because of white privilege.

Because

that white-ass baby said, I'm going to come gentrify the swamp.

Yeah, yeah.

And guess what?

Alligator too spicy for yo ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't come around.

White baby couldn't handle getting its teeth cleaned by a...

What are the little birds that live in an alligator's mouth?

They have those?

Yeah, you know, like those alligators that just open their mouth and there's like a type of bird that just brushes their teeth for them.

That's so sweet.

Yeah.

Because you hear terrible things about alligators, but you don't hear that they're like friends with those little birds.

Yeah, the birds like eat bugs out of their gums.

Why can't we have that?

I think that's what women are.

I guess.

Hopefully I don't get in trouble for that.

Other big stories.

If we had a fucking other controversy,

I don't know if we could take it.

Yeah.

Other big story this week,

March 12th was Detransition Awareness Day.

Yeah.

And now I'm aware.

Yeah.

I didn't realize I can go back and forth and back and forth again.

I know I've mentioned it a couple of times, but this D-transition thing is fascinating to me.

Why?

Well, because there are people that, for whatever reason, transitioned.

Yeah.

And now are,

and I don't have any opinion.

And now they've

gone back to their

birth gender.

Assigned at birth.

Yeah, whatever.

Gender assigned at birth.

Whatever the fuck you call it that's the biggest problem I have is there's too many new words mm-hmm I'm not even done learning the old words yet and they got all this anyways I don't even know what those yeah but the detrans people are just immediately accepted with open and manipulative arms into like the right wing

the right wing the right wing like they hate these trans people unless one of them's like double trans because the way I see it you're double trans yeah yeah you're twice as trans you already got all the surgery and You're twice as trans as everyone else.

Yeah, exactly.

You're even more trans.

If you got tits and then had them taken out and got pecs again,

you're the fucking transest person I've ever heard of.

Yeah.

Right, no, literally.

Yeah.

If you got your birth tits removed and then you got fake, you got new fake tits.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Fake tits.

I just want to adapt.

Oh, all right.

Sorry, I don't know.

Yeah, but they're just like open, like welcomed into

these.

They got a show on Tucker.

They got a right-wing spot on Fox Nation.

Well, it's just a testament to how like n now none of nothing

none of this is based in there's no ideas behind any of it.

Behind the culture war stuff.

Yeah.

It's like tomorrow it could be like fucking like we were we were this close.

We were literally this close to having the different M ⁇ Ms be in different camps politically.

Just the fictional M ⁇ Ms characters.

We almost lived in a world where if you'd like the yellow and red M ⁇ M, you were a Republican.

And if you'd like the green and brown M ⁇ Ms,

those were the liberal M ⁇ Ms.

We almost had that.

Yeah, the blue right in the middle.

Right, exactly.

We were this fucking on the fence.

And it would have just happened organically.

But Mars got scared and they pulled all of them.

I don't know.

Yeah, I wish we could go back to 2016.

Yeah.

You were living in an SRO in Chinatown.

We were just starting off the STEM podcast.

We were going to Stavros' work,

stealing the cereal.

Yeah, that ridiculous company.

Yeah, that fake company.

He should get that job back.

I'm kind of hoping that, I don't know, something happens.

Like, I don't know.

Like, maybe he does a big arena show.

Yeah, yeah.

And it collabs.

It's like when Bane blows up

because

he walks out of this thing.

He's doing crap for me.

He comes out into the arena and it fissures for him.

He has to go back to Child Porn.

Well, he has to go back there, but then our shit falls apart too.

Out of sympathy.

Yeah.

Right.

Sympathy collapsed.

Well, something happens.

I mean, we finally have the controversy to end all controversy.

Yeah.

And we all have to

get the band get back together.

Yeah.

And we're doing $4,000 guarantees for 70 people.

Yeah, right.

But

we go back to Child Porn XI or Child Porn Extreme.

We find Thomas.

Internet, yeah.

And we all go back to that company and the free cereal.

You think that's still a company?

I have no idea.

I hope they've been bought by the Chinese.

I hope they're actually.

I think it was already Chinese.

I think it was Chinese.

Was it already German?

Yeah, like multinational.

It was like fucking CPZNGMBH.

Just one of those companies.

It's all just...

It's just arbitrary letters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that was a fun place to go.

Yeah.

I like the lady at the front reception, every time you'd walk in and say, Do you have a reason to be here?

And you just blow her up.

It wasn't every time.

It was one time when I was eating a bunch of cereal.

She was like, Do you work here?

I was like, No.

I'm barely, I'm not homeless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But by not working here, I'm better than you.

Exactly.

Because you're a slave to wage.

Well, it's, I wouldn't call a black person a slave of any sort.

That could be the controversy.

Yeah.

Do you remember during the Jeremy Lynn sanity thing?

What do you mean?

Usually you say something like that.

They kept coming up with...

You don't say...

Do you remember during

during the financial crisis?

No, they kept coming up with puns.

Then what?

And then they were like, it's Lynn Sanity.

Or, you know, like

a lintany of puns, you know?

And then they lost their first game, and then the ESPN ran with Ching in the Armor.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that was the news for the day.

Yeah.

It's wild that chink in the armor has lasted so long.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is there a relationship between why oh no,'cause it's just a an abbreviation of Chinese.

Well, no, chink is like that was a word like a yeah, like a chink.

It's like a hole.

Like a yeah, a dent.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why you know people used to say it's like I'm trying to go out and get some chink tonight.

Get it get some hole tonight.

So it was just a reference for all women.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ching means whole, which means women.

And then that might be the controversy.

Why?

That, what we're doing right now.

It does.

Let's look it up.

Hey, Siri, what does chink mean?

Oh, Nick.

Sorry.

Well, let's see.

The non-racist.

Siri, what is the non-racist definition of chink?

Well, I wouldn't know because I only know that the Army Express.

We have like a serious guest this week on the talk show.

Army Express.

Think about him being in the room right now, watching you do this.

Who?

Our guest this week.

Oh, right.

Short round.

No, not short round.

Who?

Another man from another movie from that era who was on our show.

Think about him sitting in my chair while you're asking Siri

that slur means.

What would he care?

Yeah.

I'm not asking what the fucking slur means.

I mean,

the idiomatic expression

is.

It's an abbreviation of Chinese.

No, but it's not.

That's not what the expression means.

It's not a Chinese guy wearing armor.

That's not the only thing.

But that's where the slur comes from.

Oh, from

a chink in the armor.

A chink in the armor.

There's like a hole where an arrow can go through or something.

I'll look it up.

You keep saying stuff because we've got to do a podcast.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot that this is also audio.

Now I'm just playing to camera.

That's all right.

That's fine.

We want more people.

Yes, Yes, the idiom chink in one's armor refers to an area of vulnerability as traditionally

referred to a weak spot in a figurative suit of armor.

The standard meaning is similar to that of Achilles' heel.

17 chink?

Yeah, right.

It's based on the definition of chink meaning a crack or gap.

dating back to around 1400.

So if it was 14 and 25, you'd say, hey, what's up, Felleth?

Felith?

The F.

Waffeth.

Waft up.

Yeah.

What do you Fay we go out tonight?

They didn't talk like that.

Yeah, they did.

S's used to be F's back then.

What do you Faye?

They said,

let's go out and pick up some Frange chink.

I'm trying to have Fex.

I'm trying to get Frange.

Fetrange

chink tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

Before I'm due back at the

field.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get some floppy toppy.

Yeah.

Floppy toppy.

That's what you would do.

Before you had your mic sawn off by the church.

You'd get some floppy toppy.

Yeah.

I think so.

I mean, one can only imagine.

I would guess.

Yeah, yeah.

So

what's the deal with this banking collapse?

I don't know.

I don't really give a fuck.

I want to stay on the D-Transition Awareness Awareness Day.

Oh, yeah.

Let's talk about those.

Because from what I, I mean, I'm trying to, there's, I'm still trying to, and I know I brought this up weeks ago, but I got back into it yesterday because I saw this

D-Transit Awareness Day.

I'm still trying to figure out who the big ones are.

And it's like, it's got to be Caitlin Jenner.

She's got to.

She went back to Bruce?

Well, she's got to.

Yeah.

Because you remember she became the right-wing one.

So then she'll go Bruce and they go, and then they'll

post her man.

I was saying she should go Bruce Almighty.

She should say she's God.

She's transitioning

and she's black.

I'm a black god now.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You know?

No, but Bruce wasn't God.

Morgan Freeman was God.

Right, that's what I mean.

Yeah.

But she should transition to Bruce.

Bruce just had the powers of God.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Is that Caitlin Jenner should transition to Bruce Almighty?

Not the character from the movie, but the movie itself.

I know what you're saying.

And say, I'm a black god.

I'm a black god.

Yeah.

Hurry up with my damn massage.

Hurry.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Hurry up with my damn massage.

Is it a croissant?

I think massage.

He's in here.

Hurry up with my damn croissant.

No, I think he says massage.

It's croissant.

Oh, I thought he said massage.

No, he says something.

He's like, I'm about to get a massage.

Hurry up with my damn croissant.

I am a God.

Hurry up with my damn croissant.

Hurry up with my damn croissant.

Where the hell is my damn massage?

That's what Black God does.

That's what Black God does.

He goes to Starbucks and Equinox.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just goes shopping.

That's what Black God is doing in Black Heaven.

Yeah.

He goes shopping,

gets a a coffee.

And he's not having a particularly good time, it doesn't sound like.

No.

He's still getting sub-par service.

Even in Black God.

No one respects him.

No one doesn't respect him.

They're not bringing him his croissant all the time.

Speaking of which, I don't think I ever mentioned it on the show.

I think it was when I went to San Jose, actually.

I was in the fucking hotel.

And there was some fat guy

in San Jose.

Yeah, bitching at the concierge.

She's like, I am a Hilton Diamonds member.

And he's like, I'm like, I gotta hear all of this.

So I kind of just make my way over just to listen to this man complain.

And he's like, oh, the croissants were hideous.

He said they were hideous.

He just hated the way they looked.

They didn't taste bad.

He's like, yeah, they weren't sexy croissants.

They didn't.

And he's like, his fucking fat wife, who couldn't even be about this fucking

shit, just came all the way down.

His fat wife sent him down there to bitch on her behalf about

the lack of aesthetically pleasing croissants.

And he was like,

all I wanted was a good, fresh croissant, but they told me that those are saved for the sandwiches.

So I had to order a, he did like a fucking like five easy pieces,

a hold a between your legs scene to get a fresh croissant.

He wanted the ham sandwich, a ham croissant sandwich, but with nothing on it, so that his wife could have one of the good-looking croissants.

But it's still cut in half.

Yeah.

She couldn't even tear it.

And you look over at this guy and he's like, he's just, you know, there's like older guys that are just fat, so they're always in basketball shorts and then

slides.

He's wearing slides and basketball shorts.

Yeah, that kind of guy.

Yeah.

And his ankle, his calves are just, you know, it's one solid.

It's just the fucking tube.

The front of their,

there's always like a two-inch gap at the back of the slide, and then their nasty toes are like coming out the front of the slide.

It's like those guys can never actually manipulate slides properly.

Yeah, well they just have those like fucking their their their legs look like cookie monsters arms

like swollen.

Yeah, none of the hot none of the sexy croissants were available for my fucking fat pig wife and I'm a Hilton Diamonds member.

A diamonds member.

Yeah, whatever the fuck that means.

Sounds anti-Semitic to me.

I don't like the sound of that at all.

Dude, what are you a member of any

organizations like that?

No, I don't do any of that shit, dude.

I don't even, I should fly one airline.

You should do it for one airline.

I don't.

Yeah, I mean, I just fly.

If you do it with Delta, then you can...

They put it in first class.

The first class sucks, though.

It's just a bigger chair.

Yeah, it's nice.

It's not like...

What about a hot towel?

It's really a bastardization of what first class used to mean.

Because that comes from ocean liners.

Right.

Where you on a completely different section of the boat?

Yeah.

Like, you didn't even have to see.

Like, they kept...

The poor people were living with the machines.

They were basically fucking droids.

Yeah.

It was like some guy named Seamus and then C3PO.

And Jax.

Just rowing the fucking boat.

Yeah.

And Nunzio.

Yeah.

And then if you were, you know, if you were like this Diamonds Rewards guy, you'd be on the top deck talking about your Model T with, you know, I guess some

closeted fucking OSS guy.

Right.

You know.

Yeah.

You'd be having like mimosas and

playing blackjack.

And some fat some fat lady who just her husband.

Fat Southern lady, of course.

Fat Southern lady, Catherine Bates.

Who says she's unsinkable.

Yeah.

And then you're like, well, I made all my money on OnlyFans.

I was the fattest bitch on OnlyFans.

And I decided to go for a boat ride to celebrate.

That is funny because, like, in those days, high society kind of had to...

like absorb you just because of how much money you have.

That's the other thing I saw the right-wing people posting these pictures of these AI women.

Yeah.

And they just look like, it looks like somebody just photoshopped every Maxim cover from like 1997 until 2003 into like one woman.

Yeah.

And there was a tweet that went viral a while back of like just four AI women, you know?

And then some,

I guess it was right-wing guy, but he's like, oh, it's over.

It's over for these hoes or whatever.

And then you have like all of these women being like, yeah, if you like this, you don't like a real woman, you know, like doing that thing.

And it's like, what the fucking, the right-wing guys should be doing is using AI to create just fat, nasty women and open

OnlyFans.

Take that.

Start at the bottom.

Find the women that are making $5 a month on OnlyFans.

There's one you sent me the other day.

And put them out of business because that's mean.

That's mean.

You really are.

That's really mean.

I mean, if you want to be a misogynist.

Hunched down.

Yes.

If you want to be

all the way down.

Dude, go to the, just pick them off.

Just the fucking, here's the herd.

Find the slow one at the end.

Yeah.

And just fucking, just wreck their shit.

Just some lady that's making like a cumulative $17 a year on OnlyFans and fucking find a way, find a way to bleed off.

That is so sad to imagine them just doing unspeakable things for no money.

Yeah.

And being like, I gotta keep stepping in.

Well, the ones that make no money, I mean, it's like, it's somebody that's like maybe not traditionally attractive, but on top of that, it's like they're fucking just doing like flip phone photos on like a Kyocera.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's like they're not putting anything.

The production value is pathetic.

Right.

Yeah.

Because you can be, I mean, there are like,

that's kind of the nice thing about humanity is no matter how fucked up you are.

There is a guy who wants to fuck you.

There's somebody wants to fuck you.

Somebody is a freak in that way.

And that's always existed.

That's kind of beautiful.

That is not a product of fucking like

beautiful.

That is not because Halo Top made Fackero ice cream.

no it's not those guys always fucking existed yeah right yeah you know it's like maybe it like makes you you feel a little bit better about yourself that you're in commercials now or somebody your size is like you know advertising a fucking weighted blanket or something on the internet but that's not the reason people want to fuck you they already did yeah for for all all time every type yeah every type of woman yeah yeah that is that's interesting to think about like yeah that that there could be a woman who is completely shunned and then someone wants to fuck them because they look like that.

And then they could be like, stop objectifying me.

Which is really what they wanted.

Yeah.

They didn't want to get fucked.

They wanted to claim that they were being objectified just

like the conventionally sexy whores.

Yeah, I mean, I think everybody just wants what they can't have.

Yeah.

You know?

I think so.

There's no end to it.

Yeah.

What can't you have?

What can't we have at this point?

I told you, the two biggest things in my life that I want are

a full-size graph zeppelin that flies over Manhattan.

I live in it.

It's got a swastika on it.

No, it doesn't have to have the swastika on it.

It is a Hindenburg.

It doesn't have to have the swastika.

It's got the swastika.

It is period correct.

In the like steampunk futurism, they always had a fucking one of those blimps.

like flying around the city.

Anyways, I have one of those and there's no, no one, people understand.

Maybe once a year there's a guy that's like, why the fuck does that have a swastika on it?

And then somebody quickly pulls him aside and it's like it's accurate to the time.

It's accurate.

And then everybody understands that.

And it's no,

I never have to explain it.

I can just quick rope down when I need to go to seven.

Everyone needs to do your emotional labor

and understand why you're doing that.

Yeah, I live up there.

I have a tuxedo,

top hat, you know.

And, you know, I just look down with my big

golden binoculars.

Yeah.

Either that or I somehow find a way to, I own an anchor watt.

Okay.

And filled with monkey assistants.

Yeah.

Butlers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, there's a whole society.

We have a whole system set up.

And you're their God.

I don't know if I'm their god necessarily.

Like you're the king.

Well, like a head of state.

Head of state.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't run the government.

But if you're the head of state, you have to keep them happy.

So

you are accountable to them.

Yeah, well, I just come out in the morning and I say another beautiful day in the jungle boys.

And then the monkeys kind of run society on their own.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what's your responsibility?

Nothing.

You're just the guy.

Yeah, to have orange juice and hang out in a waterfall here and there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Drink out of a coconut.

Yeah.

Be nice.

Orange juice out of a coconut.

Yeah.

Could you have human visitors or you wouldn't really need them?

People would

discover me.

Yeah, yeah.

Naturally.

And then I would just do interviews.

I would just get, you know, like Barbara Waltos would come to

Barbara Waltz.

We'd come into the jungle and we'd sit down.

She'd be like, a lot of people say that you're a fascist.

What do you have to say about that?

And I would say, would a fascist

do this?

And then I would, you know, maybe show her some dances I'd choreograph with the apes.

What if fascists do this?

And then you try to kiss her.

What if fascists do this?

He said, now, at one point you said you believe in spousal abuse.

Yeah.

And I would say, yes, and I haven't changed my opinion.

And I still feel the same way as I did.

When you've given a woman her last word

and she's already had the last word.

I think we have to do this ad reading.

What is it?

Huh?

What's it for?

It is.

Well, we still got another four minutes.

It's a good ad read this week,

I think.

Yeah.

It's really good.

I'll give it to you.

It's your show.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I'm excited to talk to them about it.

I'll be doing the read, I guess.

Well, I tell you, I'm six days more than that now.

I think I'm going to fully.

No vape.

No vape.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How does it feel?

It feels, honestly, it's...

I'm like...

normal now, but I can't get shit.

It's so hard to get anything done without it.

You know what I mean?

Well you also had the time change.

I was never an Adderall guy but

doing the dishes you do a dish hit the vape do a dish hit the vape.

Take a shit hit the vape wipe my ass hit the vape hit the vape you know wake up hit the vape now I'm not wiping I'm just shitting in my pants the dishes are all fucked up that's so that's what that smelled like Maybe it was me.

Yeah, it was you.

But you know me.

I'm I'm fucking I'm deer pellets.

I was just one little pellet a day.

Oh, I thought you were owl pellets.

No, that's actually not shit.

It's not shit.

No, they eat.

This is what's crazy about it.

They eat an entire mouse, and then they just reassemble the bones and they're like stomach.

They're just in the fur.

Yeah, the stomach just fucking just, and then they throw up the recipe, which is like, is there a way scientists can figure out that we can eat that way?

Whole animals.

Well, I mean, it's a very Native American way.

Yeah, they use every part except for the bone.

Are owls Native American?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Certain species.

Certain animals, but like, you know, if they could talk, would they be like, oh, who?

Who?

I always wondered that, why the animals don't have regional accents.

Yeah, how?

Who?

Yeah, do you think

an African elephant and like Southeast Asian elephant would be like, what the hell is this guy talking about?

Yeah, of course.

I'm trying to think of other regional animals.

Yeah.

You know, dogs are Spanish.

All of them.

They're from Spain, I think.

Peros.

Yeah, I think dogs originated in Spain.

Really?

Somebody told me that.

In fact, it was a girl who told me that, and then she also told me that that's why all dogs naturally understand Spanish.

They learn Spanish.

No.

Yeah.

Well,

not that the dog speaks Spanish, but that the dog understands.

It's easier to train a dog in Spanish than a lot of people do in a space.

Does remember that show about the guy that was like the dog with Cesar Milan?

Right.

No, it's that you could get any fucking guy that speaks Spanish.

Really?

And it would work that way.

Any Spanish guy.

Literally, yeah.

Yeah.

And you can talk to a dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would love to be an animal whisperer.

I mean, they say that about Jews and rats,

but it's not true.

Octopus.

Octopi?

That's what I would go.

You would talk to them?

Any kind of invertebrate, really.

All of them.

If I could do a whole classification, if I could go to the beach and just with my mind, like communicate.

And then if I can, like, imagine a very busy beach, like Jaws or something.

Or Coney Island in the middle of the summer.

And then I just come out, and then there's a bunch of children screaming and crying.

You'd be like, your

jellyfish are just stinging everyone.

Everyone's just covered.

Oh, I thought

you'd have either foot on their heads.

You'd be emerging like King Triton from

bones.

They can't really do anything.

Also, then they would be stinging me.

Not from their heads.

Oh, jellyfish you can't touch.

Yeah.

I don't trust them, but the octopuses seem like nice guys.

Jellyfish are cool.

Why?

They just look cool.

Yeah, but they're assholes.

They hurt you.

I don't think they don't have like a nervous system.

So how do they sting you?

Because they're just covered in sting.

In sting.

They're covered in like poison or something.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, they can't help.

Isn't it like electric, though, or something?

I don't think so.

What is it?

The man of war, the box jellyfish.

Oh, yeah, the Portuguese man-of-war?

Yeah, that one will fuck you up.

That's a badass name.

That one can kill a grown man.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, is that even at war, or he just he doesn't know his own strength?

Yeah, maybe he just wants to find love, but he can't get too close to people.

So he has to be lonely.

These are the kinds of things me and Barbara Walters would talk about.

Yeah.

When she comes and visits me in my jungle kingdom.

Yeah.

I was writing a book about a cactus that was like that for kids.

No, really?

Yeah.

You should tell Norman your idea.

Norman loves children's book ideas.

Really?

Yeah.

Well mine's about a cactus.

Even before he had kids, one time he was like, yeah, I had this idea

of a book.

I don't know.

He said this sincerely.

He's like earnestly told me.

He's like,

it's about a king

that every year on his birthday he makes a wish.

that he isn't the king anymore or something like that.

And then fucking and then he tells someone his wish.

That way it doesn't come true.

Oh, so it's like he's crossing his fingers.

Yeah.

But he told me.

So how's that a story?

Where's the concept?

I don't know.

He's like, he's like, I think that would be a really good idea.

And multiple times.

It wasn't just once.

Like, this was an idea he was.

Were you guys intoxicated when he'd bring it up?

No.

I mean, well, probably.

Yeah.

You're always drunk.

But

yeah.

He fucking, he loved this thing about the, yeah, the king.

Remember he's like, yeah, remember the king he'd wish that he didn't die or something and then he would tell somebody his wish.

And it's like, well, why is it even a king?

It could just be anybody.

Yeah, everybody gets a birthday wish.

It's stupid.

Yeah.

That's a bad idea.

It's a fucking terrible we love you, but that's a bad idea.

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Oh, okay.

All right.

Well,

I I saw it, yeah.

So Margaret.

I think we did it.

Yeah, so Margie.

That seems like kind of an ableist name.

Yeah.

Aren't you not supposed to say madness anymore?

Yeah.

Martin is different.

This person is mad.

No, it's acting different.

Yeah.

You mean they're neurodivergent.

Was Hitler neuroatypical?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was.

He had adult ADHD.

Yeah.

And that's why he was on amphetamines.

Oh.

Yeah.

It was the only thing that could help him focus

on the task at hand, which is a war on two fronts.

Have you been to that Lego store?

I haven't been inside.

No.

What's it like in there?

I don't know, but my sober friends.

I won't go there, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do it.

My sober friends go there because they have to get into stuff so they don't do drugs.

They're into Legos?

They're into Legos.

They just stay up for three days doing Legos.

They're into WWE now.

They're into.

That shit.

I had just cable on, and I guess

fucking wrestling just came on.

Yeah.

I really don't.

I just don't get it.

I watched SmackDown with him.

SmackDown's still on?

It's still on.

And you can bet on SmackDown.

MyBookie Dot.

MyBookie.

A-G.

Yeah.

Yes.

I went, yeah, we watched SmackDown and then we watched after SmackDown is something called A-E-W,

which comes on.

They love letters.

Yeah.

They love letters.

The original LGBT was WWF.

Yeah.

They were the ones that started all this fucking letter bullet.

The first trans was gold dust.

Yeah, that's actually true.

Yeah, first trans.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love when people say that but like when they get into arguments online about this the idea that gender identity stuff, some people say, trans people have existed for thousands of years.

Which I think that could very well be true.

You know, I'm not going to deny it.

It's but it is just such a funny mental image.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just

like just some lady with like pink hair and

like a modern shit person.

Yeah, right.

Like a just 400 pounds old DSA pin.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like talking to some guy that's just his entire body is a sock.

He's got sores all over his face.

Yeah, he's dying from the plague.

All he does is swing an axe.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like, do you know, is there like seating for...

Do you have disabled seating here in the dragon's lair?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What were we saying before that?

The trans thing?

Were there trans people in the Bible?

Yeah.

Who?

Mary.

Was she trans?

Well, she didn't have sex.

She was the first guy.

Trans people have a lot of sex.

What?

Trans people fuck a lot, don't they?

Yeah, but she was never inseminated.

That's got to be shit.

That's got to really suck.

She was a fucking person.

You transition, you spend all this time.

You fucking transition, and then nobody will fuck you

to be in that position.

Where you're like a piece of ass as a guy?

No, I mean, there's got to be somebody that's like, you know, it's like probably a difficult process to be like, oh, this is how I feel.

I'm going to go.

And then you do transition, and then

like you're thinking, oh, well, now I can explore relationships.

Yeah.

But you still have a bad personality.

Yeah, people still just.

People still think that.

People still don't fuck with you?

We've got to move off this top.

Yeah, yeah.

I know I'm the one that keeps bringing it.

This is an old school episode for us.

Huh?

This is an old school episode for us.

I don't know.

Yeah, I've gotten sucked back into the whole

discourse now

with the

D-trans thing.

Because it's like at what point, you know, it just, it'll just,

like,

at what point do you think, like, even the Tumblr people will be like, all right, you can't be like re D, red, re-d, re, re, de trans.

Yeah, there has to be one that's gone back and forth and back and forth.

There's got, yeah, there's got to be a limit, right?

But then once you have, like, x and then if you go forth again, then you stop being a conservative hero.

Of course, yeah.

Then you go back to being they'll just keep, yeah, just like bouncing back and forth.

Like, who's going to be at the forefront?

Somebody needs to be.

Caitlin Jenner has to do it.

Well, the idea is, right, that your gender,

if your gender is fluid, right?

So

you should be allowed to, right?

Yeah, but fluid has a...

Fluid is still a defined state.

I think gender is vapor.

Gender plasma.

Yeah.

Gender is plasma.

Yeah.

Plasma.

Why are you saying that?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Like sort of a

Doctor Evil or something?

Oh, I was thinking more like a Javier Bardem.

He should have played Doctor Evil.

He would have been really scared.

I always saw it, yeah.

It would have been a totally different movie.

Doctor Evil was always kind of miscast.

Yeah, yeah.

Way too funny.

You're right.

It's just he's not way too funny.

He's very scary.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they should have had,

what's his name, Beetlejuice play

Mini Me.

Mini Me.

Yeah, well, he would have said too much.

They wouldn't have been able to get him to not talk

during takes.

Yeah, he would have been.

He would have been so funny on set.

Can you imagine?

And Austin Powers?

Oh, my God.

They would have broken characters constantly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he would have beat Scott's ass.

That would have been pretty funny.

You said you re-watched those movies recently and they didn't?

I didn't re-watch.

No, I didn't re-watch those.

I'm re-watching South Park right now.

I'll tell you,

it is a very funny show.

I can't re-watch.

The fear I have that it won't hold up.

Austin Powers?

Yeah.

I don't think it will.

It holds a very special place.

Especially Austin Powers 2.

Yes.

Let me tell you, that restaurant I go to in Dumbo.

The one that's just a restaurant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's the same kind of thing.

My memories of Austin Powers 2.

It's like

that's the food people have.

It's this special place.

Yeah.

I'm going to go Austin Powers 2 restaurant.

Yeah, if I go back, I can't.

Like, I would have to, if I watched Austin Powers 2, I would have to go to a 2002-style movie theater.

Yeah.

Which I guess are the same.

They really haven't changed.

No, the seats would be less comfortable.

And it might be all flat instead of stadium.

That's older.

Because 2002 is when they started doing stadium seating.

Do you remember stadium seating?

The first time you're like, holy shit.

Every seat is good?

Yeah.

No, that was crazy.

This is incredible.

Yeah.

People forget, like, movie theaters used to be all flat, squeaky chairs.

They didn't recline.

Everything was sticky.

And then

there was no roller coaster.

Yeah.

There was no roller coaster.

It was just fucking ads for a local dentist.

Yeah.

And that's all you got.

Yeah.

And you could beat off in there.

Yeah.

And there'd be old men cruising.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There'd be old men cruising for sex.

Damn, my eyes are really itchy.

Yeah, I don't know what it is, dude.

This fucking one-hour time change has fucked me up this week.

Oh, yeah, it wrecked me.

Especially because it was the last night in Oahu.

So I had to go to sleep.

I had to do the, I do the show, and I'd hang out afterwards a little bit,

say hi to people.

And then, and then I had a flight.

at like 7 a.m.

And that was 6 a.m.

And I'm already thinking.

The day before.

I'm already thinking, and I'm jet lagged.

Oh, okay.

And I'm already thinking, you know, all right, this is going to be a very limited amount of sleep.

Even less.

Even less, an hour or less.

An hour less.

And then I spilled juice all over myself at the airport.

And then you had to sit like that for how many hours?

All over.

Because I bought it.

I didn't, I opened it and then I paid for it and I forgot I opened it and I went to like shake it up and I just

dumped up.

I thought that was like an infomercial.

And I'm running out of four hours of sleep and I had to lie to explain to this woman.

I'm like,

why the hell did this happen?

I had to make it seem like it was her fault.

This poor Bangladeshi woman, I had to blame her for my own.

We're getting the Omaha.

Yeah, for the juice.

And then she, without really, I was expecting a fight, I was ready.

And then she just gave me another juice.

And I was like, well, that's very kind of you.

But I was already covered.

And then she wiped me.

She wiped you up and down?

She wiped a bit.

I mean, it was all.

Did she give you her clothes?

I was kind of, yeah, i wore her clothes under the plane and she just stood there completely nude wow what's her name let's shout her out um aisha siddiki i think was her name shout out to her yeah

cheers to her

why'd you bring her up by the way wouldn't she do something recently no i was just looking at twitter no i hadn't looked in a week at twitter yeah and her name is still on there yeah she's still on there that's crazy she's still fucking catching bodies you would think think that she's still sniping them.

You would think that, like, you know, now that she has a real career, she would just be done with it.

Like, is Eve Piser still on Twitter?

She has a character.

What do you mean she has a character?

She doesn't do it as herself.

She does it as a character.

What's the character?

It's like this Jack Nicholson going like this.

Oh, Drill.

You're saying she's Drill.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would have made.

Ayusha Siddiqui has been on Twitter for 25 years now.

Yeah.

You know?

How old is she?

I don't know.

She's only 65 years old.

She's already 25 years.

Yeah.

Shout out to her.

I can't imagine that.

For her own sake.

You know?

Yeah.

For her own sake.

She should come on the Ada Freedom Show.

What does she talk about?

I don't know.

I mean, look, I haven't read anything she's written.

I remember when she first started writing for, what is it, New Republic?

And

The New Republic?

New Inquiry.

Is it?

It was like the left.

Oh, you're right, right, right.

Yeah, the New Inquiry.

Anyways,

the only thing, literally, the only thing I tell you about her is that she likes Kanye West.

Or did at one point.

And I have not even heard that name or thought about it until you mentioned it right before.

All I said was,

is she hot?

Yeah, and I said, from what I remember, the Avatar I remember, yes.

And then we did a quick Google and I said,

I said, never mind.

A human mind is a precious thing to waste.

Yeah.

It is a funny thing that you had a file cabinet of women's avatars.

You had a file cabinet of women's avatars in your brain.

You got to print out.

I just heard

when you were thinking that you were like yeah it was her in profile yeah i remember there was one avatar that looked good yeah yeah yeah well that's the only i never was like what does a yesha siddiki look like it was just that yeah yeah i mean i know like you say that name i know pushing hoops i know the name comes up who's that isn't that her fucking was that her thing her at pushing hoops maybe yeah

right yeah this goes way back she was on this is like this is like 2011

2011 she was early 10 that was when i was on that website yeah yeah And she was part of this new wave of people that do like cultural blogging.

Yeah.

And then it's like...

Like a guy Malcolm.

Yeah, which I always thought was annoying because I'm not, like, it's for academics or whatever.

Yeah, it's not for that.

It's that fucking like that thing.

Like, people that like, and I doubt she's one of the people that like love DFW.

You know what I mean?

They have to like intellectualize.

No, it's not us.

They have to intellectualize watching fucking an infomercial.

Watching TV.

Yeah, exactly.

Like TikTok.

How TikTok relates to new sincerity.

It's like, shut the fuck up, man.

Like, yeah, if you're watching

the Hulu Plus, the morning show.

Yeah, who fucking cares?

Stop thinking.

Morning show.

Just stop thinking.

If your brain won't shut off to the extent that you have to intellectualize fucking Ted Lasso,

then fucking do fentanyl.

Yeah, do heroin.

Yeah, do drugs until your brain stops.

Be an alcoholic.

Don't fuck, do not open a sub stack.

Watch sports.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then they do that too.

That was that same era.

That's what they do.

They do that with sports too.

It was like, what was it, Grantland and fucking Deadspin?

Well, I think what happened

is that, like, especially with NBA, it was a lot of white people talking about a black sport.

So then they got really into the math of it because they were like, you can't be racist if you're just talking about.

And then we make up like new math stats.

Yeah.

So then this is a way we could talk about a black sport without being like, he's a bum.

Yeah.

You know?

You can call them a bum because of the math,

not because of just going out on a limb and just saying that you think he's a bum.

Honestly, I've come full circle where the only type of cultural critic I enjoy is like a Reddit, soy-faced nerd that's really excited about shit for babies and he buys the toys associated with whatever the media is.

The Funko.

Yes.

Yeah, Funko Pops guy.

That's the guy who's got all the Funko.

That's my Pauline Kale.

Basically, he's the guy like that.

He's like,

I saw a Five Old Goes of the Moon part four, and it was awesome.

I had one.

Amazing.

I just saw Cars 3, and you're not going to believe Joey the dump truck is back.

And guess what, folks?

There were plenty of Easter eggs.

And he's

back.

yeah.

But there's so everyone knows to stay after the credits.

But if you stay for four and a half hours after the final showing ends, there's an additional Easter egg where a social worker shows up at the movie theater and takes you back to your parents' house, which

possibly had nothing to do with the film, but I thought it was awesome.

To me, it was awesome.

Those guys are all they're great.

Those guys are rules.

Those are the last happy people in America.

That is the new sincerity.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not a fucking Indian girl writing about how Kanye or whatever.

Yeah, dismantling.

It is a structure.

It is a mental fucking invalid.

It is a guy who can't

near, like, he's on the borderline of being unable to.

A guy who is such a command child to sex.

He has never even trimmed his pubes even once because

he's not even aware that they've grown in.

He hit puberty at some point, and it was just a process that happened to his body.

And it's just, he's just a man-child.

Yeah, yeah.

And maybe one day he's like, wow, I don't remember having hair on my penis.

But at that point, this is weird.

He came and went, and now he's, yeah.

Yeah.

He's just very.

And his parents are so nice.

Yeah.

They're so nice about his crap.

Got to make sure my dad gets the vaccine.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, and he's so nice about the virus to everyone.

Never argues about it.

He's not even aware there's a debate happening.

There's no debate.

He's just waiting for the latest baby media to really get in.

The baby stuff is back.

Gets a huge kick out of Reddit bots.

Yes.

When he says, thank you, good sir.

Interesting.

That's the 980th time someone said, sir, on this subreddit.

And he's like, wow, can you believe that?

One of those guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guy who gets Reddit gold.

Yeah, yeah.

Those guys.

Yeah.

Damn.

I wish I was one of them.

Me too.

I should get into baby movies.

They're so awesome.

Yeah.

They can't even conceive of sex.

What do you mean?

They've just never heard of it.

Oh, they've never heard of it?

Yeah.

Good for them.

Good for them.

What are the new baby movies coming out?

Alright, let's check that out.

Has Pixar done anything lately?

Well, everything's just, you know, everything's like

Abuelita, the new Pixar.

i want to go i'm gonna go to i'm gonna go to the movie theater in union square after this and watch whatever baby movie there is let's go do it and then i'm gonna sit there the entire time by myself and going yeah gay

yeah whatever this is for fucking baby i hate that i have to fucking be here for work

i have to be here for my fucking job i don't want to be i don't watch this shit

I'm a grown man.

So we got the amazing...

The cat out of one eye.

The amazing Maurice is out.

What's that about?

It's about a cat named Maurice.

A big fat cat.

And it's voiced by

Hugh Laurie from House.

Dr.

Hillary.

What's it about?

Do you want to go see The Amazing Maurice?

Kind of, yeah.

Do you want to see if we can find some fucking oxygen?

Just feel like those guys.

You're like, this is awesome.

Hell yeah, dude.

Just throwing up in the popcorn bag.

That's how you know it's working.

Terry Pratch's

Carnegie winning Disc World book.

The Amazing Maurice is a successful, wry, odd, utterly British spin on Shrek-like, self-aware fairy tales.

Stuffed with motor mouths and throwaway gags, the chunky animation can be a little off-putting.

But its monument...

Where am I?

Oh, uh

oh, but its momentary ugliness feeds into its delightful delightful dark villains.

Its underdog heroes and the strange story trying to pull them all together.

This isn't pristine, groundbreaking, photo photo.

Oh,

photoreal?

I thought it was photoreal.

Photorial?

Yeah, I thought it was like someone making up a big word about

movie.

Yeah.

Photo real CG, but the cartoon cartoonishness that suits its oddballs and might give even a kid a stray nightmare or two.

That sounds too scary.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want to see it.

I mean, to be honest with you, I'm thinking about doing this and what I'm zeroing in on is the drugs aspect.

Yeah.

Puss and Boots, The Last Wish.

That's supposed to be good.

That's supposed to be good.

Do you know when the first Puss in Boots came out, or maybe it was Shrek 3 came out?

Yeah.

Antonio Benderis, who played Pussin' Boots, he watched it and he cried.

Because he was so proud of his performance as Puss and Boots.

Really?

Did you know that?

That's one of my favorite stories.

That's beautiful.

beautiful yeah

that and also the other thing too is that puss and boots the first one was released in israel as shrek's cat yeah because they don't they didn't try puss and boots wouldn't translate so the name of the movie was shrek's cat

puss and boots yeah yeah

puss and boots yeah pussy boots that was you know another fun one of those is is um

Patriot Day, Patriots Day.

Yeah.

The fucking...

The Boston bombing?

Yeah.

In Germany, they just released that movie as Boston.

It's just called Boston

instead of Patriots Day.

Because I would imagine that Patriots Day in German is probably like, you know, fucking Sieg Heil.

Yeah, yeah,

Deese.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Send him to the camps or whatever.

All those expressions probably got gobbled up by the Nazi party.

We could go see

We could go see this movie, Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio.

But but that sounds scary, too.

I think I'm going to start talking like that.

It used to annoy me when you would do it, but no, it's a nice way to talk.

Yeah.

Hand me the fucking ketchup.

We could go see Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Roderick Rules.

So Diary of a Wimpy Kid, colon Roderick Rules.

Yeah.

It's hard to believe, but this is the sixth film adapted from Jeff Kinney's Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Maybe.

The second year should be Roderick Rules.

We got to read the books first.

We're not gonna know what's going on.

Let's get some OxyCon and read the books.

We could go see Strange World, Disney's Strange World.

Strange World, Disney's sole original animated feature of 2022, combines facets of Pixar's pair of last year's releases to a lesser effect.

I'm looking back towards Lightyear's loving homage to

Pulp Fiction and forward to Turning Red's progressive and wholesome examination of specific family dynamics.

Strange World is late to its own company's trends.

Who's writing this seriously about baby movies?

I don't know.

Paste magazine.

I always hated that name too, Paste Magazine.

Yeah, shut up.

Sounds sticky.

It's nasty.

That's a horrible.

It's what?

Come magazine?

Yeah, from the makers of Paste Magazine introducing Diarrhea Restaurant.

Come on down to Diarrhea Restaurant by the owners of Paste Magazine.

We're selling hamburgers.

Oh, okay, here.

Oh, Chicken Run Dawn of the Nugget is coming out this year.

Oh, the new Wallace and Gromit.

They just need to go back.

They need to do more Wallace and Gromit.

That's the thing.

I never liked Chicken Run.

I don't think anybody liked Chicken Run.

And they

keep fucking hammering us with Chicken Run when all anybody wants is Wallace and Grom at five.

Which I haven't paid attention.

I don't know if that's out or not.

It probably is.

Yeah.

Chupa is coming out this year.

While visiting his family in Mexico, teenage Alex gains an unlikely companion when he discovers a young chupa cadra hiding in his grandfather's.

What's that?

It's like an octopus, it's also a dog or something.

I think it's like a Mexican grimace.

Oh, okay.

It's like Grimace.

It's like, I want the cheeseburgers.

I love cheeseburgers.

It feels so purple right now.

I'm big.

I'm purple.

I'm big and I'm purple.

And I love cheeseburgers.

Because I'm a big purple bitch.

And here come the robber man.

Yeah.

And he steal the cheeseburgers.

Grimmis is a what's are the lights changing?

What are you doing with that?

I don't know.

No, it's all right.

Did you do that or did some fuck oh, you did do it?

Can you show them some more light options?

Dave?

Let's just showcase our lights for the for the people.

Whoops.

Not that one.

No, not that one.

Do party.

That one's cool.

I love this one.

I like this one.

So you've been living in this jungle for 15 years.

Have you your

stated goal of recreating Dreamcast with coconuts?

Have you accomplished that?

No.

I can't say I have, but I've met a lot of friends along the way.

Well, thank why do we have the same voice?

I don't know.

Because you're my brother.

This is cool.

This is, what's this?

What does this look like on the screen?

Yeah.

This looks like just harsh.

Harsh.

This one's really

difficult.

Yeah,

this one's like, if we're ever doing the show and like, you know, because World War III is going to happen.

Yeah.

And when fucking, we're at like the 11th hour and Russia's about to launch the nukes.

You know what's great?

We're going to live stream.

Yeah.

We're going to live stream the end of the world.

Oh my God.

We'll do that.

We're set up for live streaming.

We'll do that.

Yeah, we are.

We'll do that lighting.

And yeah, do this and be like, thanks for watching the World War III live coverage with the Adam Friedland show.

Tonight

we've gone too far.

We've gone

too far.

YOLO in Ukraine.

Yeah.

And the Biden family.

They said it wasn't going to happen, but I'll tell you.

It looks like it happened.

A lot of those Biden women are like just very serviceable sixes.

Yeah.

Dees?

Deese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They should call it the Deese family.

Everybody, they should.

They should call it.

They should change their name to the Deese family.

She's Deese.

Yeah.

None of them are hot.

No.

Granddaughters?

Every single one of those Biden ladies,

you're like, okay, I can see why your husband died of brain cancer and then your fucking brother-in-law did a bunch of coke and stuck his dick in you yeah I can see it yeah she D's I can see I can see why your uncle did a bunch of paintings and then had sex with you when you were 13

okay she's nice no I understand

I understand why your grandpa took showers president noyce yeah

I can tell why your grandfather wanted to smell you I love it dude I love I love the

people say that like oh Trump ruined the Republican Party he made the party amazing.

Yeah.

Like, whatever.

Look, once every four years, they get in power and they send every black person to a camp.

You know, whatever.

They'll lose the next election.

We take the black people out of the camp.

We let women get abortions.

But then what I want, I just want to...

We give them coupons as reparations.

They should have...

permanent access to any kind of crazy investigation that Congress wants to do.

In fact, Congress shouldn't even, we should have a separate chamber of Congress.

I don't know why we wrapped up Chop on Benghazi.

Yeah, no, we should have a separate chamber of Congress where you can elect the most insane right-wing woman from every town.

They just get, they automatically get to go to the Boebert from every state.

Yes,

they have unlimited resources and

complete subpoena power.

They have access to all information, everybody's records.

An inspector general.

To do whatever the most insane thing that comes to mind.

Whatever they fucking want.

Yeah, yeah, that would be cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would love that, yeah, yeah, and everyone ignores them, but they right, nobody pays attention, no one pays attention, just Major Ree Taylor Green with a fucking A-frame set up, and she's got a picture of Ashley Biden's cunt just stolen from her gynecologist's office, yeah.

And she's like, you can see that she fucked Chinese guys, yeah, you can look at the way the cash payments went into the pussy.

She fucking 10 years ago, she fucked a Chinese guy, right?

And then two weeks ago, now, suddenly, a deposit for $35,000 in her account from

Goldman Sachs, who,

Goldman, what's gold?

Chinese people.

Chinese.

They're sort of a gold color.

Yeah.

Gold man.

Sachs, nut sacks.

She fucked.

She had a gold man's nut sack in her pussy, and she has an account of Goldman Sachs.

Explain that.

And then it's just taxpayer money.

Now, second slide.

Nobody gets health care.

Yeah, this is going on 24-7.

C-SPAN 4.

We spend billions of dollars on taxpayers.

C-SPAN 4 and 8K.

yeah yeah and everybody has access to it we can just watch their fucking crazy 24 hours a day we give them amphetamines yeah yeah i would love that they're geeked up in in congress yeah yeah the women that are too crazy for even tucker to speak to

just yeah

who voted who voted for these people Like even if you're a fucking conservative, like who's like, like Lauren, yeah, but who is voting for fucking Bober?

Lauren Bober was from a super conservative district and I think she almost lost the Democrat on the last one.

Yeah.

Well, she was just so bitch and owned like a shitty restaurant.

She was just like, she had a gun-themed restaurant.

A gun-themed like Buffalo Wild.

Yeah.

Whose husband like

exposed his penis in a bowling alley to a child.

And then she was there, too.

That's the best part of the story.

She was there.

She's like, get him, baby.

And he's like, just fucking just showed his penis to a

after like a dispute over like the NFL Blitz machine or something.

No, they're in the government.

It's awesome.

That's what I want.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want that Obama type of politician is done to me.

I don't want to.

The kind of people that are like, yeah, well, say hi to Facebook.

Yeah, those people.

Yeah.

Take their phones out and say, oh, you're going to be on Facebook.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People yelling at a CVS.

Yeah.

Gavin Nelson is the worst to me.

What is he doing?

He just does an Obama impression, which it's shocking to me that more people don't point that out.

Wasn't that what Corey Booker did too?

Corey Booker to an extent, but Gavin Newsom is like, Gavin Newsom dubs like a comedian's level impression of Obama.

Where he's like,

you can't, you know, he's got like the mannerisms.

He does like

James Austin Johnson level.

He does like the mannerisms.

He's got chops.

Yeah.

He's not like, you know, like, like, like Pete is doing Obama.

You know, there's plenty of politicians that are doing Obama.

Yeah, yeah.

But Gavin's like, got his, like, his man,

his, like, he'll, like, talk and be like,

he's got this, like, bounce, this fucking, like, these subtle things that, like, a very good impressionist would pick up on.

But it's, like, it's jarring.

Because it's, like, you look at him and you're like, this man is a complete fraud.

Yeah.

It's not, it's not in the way that, you know, and maybe it predates that.

Who knows?

Maybe, like, for some reason, they both just have the same cadence and way of moving.

They came up in the same.

I don't think they did.

I think he just saw the goat and he yeah, he wanted to ride up this question

wait play me a clip I want to hear Let me see you're Gavin Newson We should get

like every other podcast has like a screen where we can just watch YouTube

Yeah

put up

for taking the time to be here and let me just express my gratitude to each and every one of you but most importantly uh to my kids i was i leaned over to a few folks i said the most stressful part of the day was

look at him.

Don't listen to him.

You gotta look at the way he moves his body.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll play it.

Yeah, see the like lip licking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, my kids get through that pledge of allegiance.

I think we spent about 600 hours on that, and

it paid dividends.

It paid dividends.

So did Jen learning Spanish, by the way.

That's

remarkable.

Remarkable.

Look, what a glorious and gracious day.

I want to thank all of you, particularly those of you that took the time to walk with us, to march with us.

Dolores Huerta leaned over and said, look, I've marched with a lot of people, but Martin Luther King never walked as fast as you are right now.

That's a cool brag.

That's a Trump-level brag.

Yeah, I walk faster than Martin Luther King.

Yep, Dolores Huerta.

Do you think at the Million Man March, there was some like fucking older Jewish guy that thought it was a power walking event and just showed up in Spandex and was like,

honey, I'm winning.

And they're all black guys, and I'm faster than all of them.

And wouldn't you believe who else was going to be doing this?

Can you believe it?

I beat the million black guys at the power walking.

Walking with a million black guys.

Yeah.

No one is going to buy me.

Can you think that out?

I entered the million man march and I beat,

I won.

Did you hear Mort watch?

I was the only one with a number.

And it was all black guys.

And it was all black guys.

And Mort beat them all.

And Muslims, too.

Some Muslims.

And then

the women.

And they're in prison walking around all day.

And he won.

Yeah.

And

Mort, we're very happy for you.

They make the announcements at the synagogue.

Congratulations, Mort, on your victory at the movie.

He had a colonoscopy up three weeks earlier.

He said, I got to, let's take a look in there now.

I have the confidence.

We can get the polyps removed.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid anymore.

He said,

he got home.

He immediately scheduled five colonoscopies for the rest of the year.

He's got one every month now.

If I beat them all at a race, I may.

If I can beat a million black guys, I can beat cancer.

I may as well beat cancer.

All right.

Well, we should probably

wrap this up.

Let's wrap it up.

All right, thanks, folks.

Once again, I'll be at Brea.

um

i think i i think i already sold out of all the t-shirts but i will be doing t-shirt drops more t-shirts on the way my end too and next weekend the 23rd through 25th i will be in raleigh and the 6th through the 8th i will be in salt lick city thank you

so so your jungle castle yeah uh tell us more dave cut cut the lights faster dave come on what are you fading you gotta get you gotta figure out that preset with the fucking Oh, now why do you do his?

You gotta figure out that preset.

Cut the broadcast.

Cut the broadcast.

That preset with like the initial.

Jesus Christ, Dave.

Yeah.

All right, well, that was fun.

Yeah, that was fun.

Yeah.

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