Ep. 014 – Dancing with the Stars

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Speaker 1 all right everyone welcome to the adam freelan show i'm your host adam freeland the wednesday episode today is thursday

Speaker 1 getting a lot of good A lot of good feedback on our last video episode. We are thrilled.
I'm doing Thursday because we did the episode dropped yesterday. Yeah, the episode dropped yesterday.

Speaker 1 Also, me and you both had migraines. We had migraines.
We had migraine. And before you guys say that that is female tendencies, we got migraines from having black lungs.
From getting too much pussy.

Speaker 1 And getting too much pussy. That's the thing.
This is a pussy-loving show. This is a pussy-loving show.
Thanks for all the good feedback we've been getting on our last episode.

Speaker 1 The support of the community really does matter a lot to us. And, you know, we do it for you.

Speaker 1 Like I said at the beginning of the episode, it is about the pleasure of the audience.

Speaker 1 I really appreciate all that. And,

Speaker 1 you know, I never thought I would be. Thanks for letting me take my birthday off, too.
Yeah. Happy birthday, Nick.

Speaker 1 You'll notice the show is getting better. And

Speaker 1 you took point on all that.

Speaker 1 That was all you.

Speaker 1 You cast some guy that looks exactly like me to play me. Yeah.
Yeah, no, it was pretty good. Very nice move.
I feel like we haven't done this.

Speaker 1 This kind of thing.

Speaker 1 I can't see the.

Speaker 1 I gotta get this fucking thing going. What do you have to get going? Oh, that.
The timer because I can't see the board.

Speaker 1 Because now that this is. I forgot that when I did, yeah, we haven't done this.
I did this with Ian and Mike last week. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that was a real fun one. Thank you to them.
They're both banned from ever coming back on the show. Why? I don't know.
I'm just kidding.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Did something happen? No, nothing happened. I didn't listen to it.
Ian was talking about how

Speaker 1 just this is me updating Nick on a bit that you guys have all heard.

Speaker 1 Ian was talking about how everyone in his neighborhood loves him, and I was just doing impressions of minority business owners in East Williamsburg being like, oh, the Chuck E. Cheese Man, he comes.

Speaker 1 Oh, here comes a Chuck E. Cheese Man.

Speaker 1 I'd rather die from

Speaker 1 militia from our militia. Oh, Chuck E.
Cheese. Why is he Chuck E.
Cheese Man? Because he looks like a rat.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Oh, he's a Chuck E.
Cheese Man. He does, but he kind of, he looks like, he looks like the kind of rat, like a cartoon rat that would like manage like a telegraph office.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like he just

Speaker 1 lives and works right off the railroad. And he's like, no telegrams today, sir.
Yeah, it's pretty much the same voice. We don't have any telegrams for you today, sir.

Speaker 1 I'll keep my ear pressed to the wire and see if we got anything good for you. Thanks, Hampton, or whatever his name is.

Speaker 1 The Telegram rat. The Great Mouse Detective.
Great Mouse Detective. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It appears this mouse was raped.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite line in the movie. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Speaker 1 The rape wasn't good, but the

Speaker 1 was good. I am a detective

Speaker 1 and I have detected that someone has cut off her tail and raped her.

Speaker 1 That is the kind of mouse detective I am. Yes.

Speaker 1 You don't want to be. Okay, mouse detective.
Okay, mouse detective, we're going to need you to crawl into this woman's pussy and get to see my mouse. Do a rape.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, I know you're pretty upset about your sexual assault, but we've got great news. One of our latest detectives is the great mouse detective, and he's going to crawl up there and get that.

Speaker 1 She's like, no,

Speaker 1 this is worse than this. The sexual assault.

Speaker 1 He's not reliving my trauma all over. Please don't put a rat in my pussy.
That's exactly what my rapist did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess he is a a little Chuck E. Cheese, man.
He does look like a Chuck E Cheese. I feel like I'm a little too hot.

Speaker 1 What? I feel like I'm a little too hot. I've been turning my mic down on the show.
I've been slowly lowering the volume, but I accidentally swapped ours. Yeah, I'm slowly disappearing.

Speaker 1 My dream, sure.

Speaker 1 My dream has always been to.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? It's not. Somebody fucked up all of the.
It's not that I was too loud. It's that the

Speaker 1 gain is up too high. It's not the gain.

Speaker 1 It's the

Speaker 1 like the EQ.

Speaker 1 Let me hear. I'm going to just go back here.
The EQ should be at zero, correct? I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 Keep talking. Yeah, anyway, so yeah, that was a pretty good bit from last week.
I wish Nick could have been there when I was talking about how these guys

Speaker 1 were saying that if he came to rape their daughters and wives, they would rather

Speaker 1 go first. I've been taking some personal time, my damn self.
Nick's been taking some personal time, and I am honestly honestly very happy about that. Check, check.
It seems like we're in a good

Speaker 1 space creatively. How does that sound? It sounds weird.
It sounds like there's like

Speaker 1 it sounds flat. That's another thing Dave has fucked up.
That sounds a little better. Yeah.
Okay, that's why. We'll get you.
Talk, Adam. Check, check, check, check, check.

Speaker 1 Keep going. Check, check, check, check, check.
Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. That sounds good.
All right. All right.
No, we're cooking. Oh, fuck.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like I said, it feels like it's been a while since we've just done just the two of us.

Speaker 1 We can make it if we try, just the two of us.

Speaker 1 I fuck, guys.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, no, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 No, I just didn't know you were going there with that song, and now I said I was singing with you.

Speaker 1 Oh, you were singing the eye.

Speaker 1 What if the new parody, what if the new thing we do on this show is just sing the songs the right way? Yeah. And that's funny because it's embarrassing.

Speaker 1 It's funny to just

Speaker 1 every 30 seconds, just sing a song. And it seems to me you've lived your life like a candle in the wind.
You gotta pull the mic away a bit.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry about that.

Speaker 1 Like a candle in the wind.

Speaker 1 Something

Speaker 1 wind is blowing.

Speaker 1 The veins on your forehead start popping out because you really just want to make it a gay parody song. And here comes the wind.
I just don't remember. I don't know the song.

Speaker 1 That's the problem is I don't know any songs. Yeah.
I never even, I was never a song parody guy. I just don't know how any songs are.
That's just how you remember them.

Speaker 1 No, you got to put something in there and might as well lean on your crutches.

Speaker 1 I always

Speaker 1 hate people when they say that. They go, oh, that's a crutch.
If you do like a lazy type of joke, they're like, oh, that's a crutch. And it's like, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 You're being ableist, right? Yeah, I'm injured.

Speaker 1 And then they'll look at this and they're like, that's you're making fun of people saying ableist, calling things ableist, which is in and of itself another crutch.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Well, then you need to pick a new word because I found a loophole.

Speaker 1 You set yourself up, checkmate. It's kind of

Speaker 1 I only use idioms like that, chess-based.

Speaker 1 I say stuff like the snake eats its own tail, stuff like that.

Speaker 1 Rook, rook d5, yeah,

Speaker 1 rook.

Speaker 1 What is that? Why do you say chat? Why did

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 the blind? Oh, blind people play chess. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like it'd be very easy to win. Against a blind guy? Yeah.
You're like, well, I just checkmate. I just got your king.
They're like, what do you mean? It's like, well, he's on C3.

Speaker 1 And they're like, I thought he was on. They're like, oh, no, you must have forgotten.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at the board. So

Speaker 1 I can see that

Speaker 1 you're in check.

Speaker 1 Mate. Checkmate.

Speaker 1 And what's that supposed to be? Like, a guy that has sex with checks?

Speaker 1 This is a guy that

Speaker 1 he's having sex with his checkbox. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's who I'm supposed to be afraid of in this game. I'll be performing that in Bite Town next week.

Speaker 1 So he says to me check mate. That's a one-way ticket to Bite Town.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. Yeah.
Oh, that's too good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel excited about this weekend. We got some more shit cooking for the show.
How do you feel about rebranding the podcast?

Speaker 1 Because, look, the bottom line is the podcast is going to have to continue. We'll do the Adam Friedland show.
The Adam Friedland show will have to be Patreon-only content. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think, until we figure out how to do

Speaker 1 a week. Here's the dilemma we have.
For years, because of my personal extremely revolutionary politics, I don't believe in intellectual property.

Speaker 1 I've never had a problem with people re-uploading content. But now that we have to use YouTube, I don't know.

Speaker 1 There's already nobody's going to use coming to our channel to watch our shit. Yeah.
So it gets uploaded. Maybe four people watch it, and then it just goes elsewhere.

Speaker 1 Well, even the free ones get re-uploaded, I saw. I know.
And it's an issue with

Speaker 1 for selling ads. And right, I mean, the podcast is not a problem.
The podcast, people still download it. So we need to sell ads for next week.
So we've got to send those re-uploaders to Gitmo. Well,

Speaker 1 we're going to have to continue doing, unfortunately, continue doing the podcast for the entirety of next year so I can sell these ad contracts so we can at least make sure we keep the lights on in this fucking place.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That way, no matter what happens, we're good. Well, yeah.
I mean, when we eventually alienate the entirety of the audience, we will need those ads.

Speaker 1 You got to plan on that contingency. Yeah.
We have to plan on 100% of the audience abandoning us. What the fuck is the word contingency? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I've been using it my entire life, and I've never looked it up.

Speaker 1 You know, it's probably, you know, con probably means something.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then tinge. Yeah.
So we're going to rebrand this for next year. Probably rebrand this as the Adam Friedland Show Podcast.
Yeah. World.

Speaker 1 The Adam Friedland Show Podcast World. We're rebranding this as Addy's World.
Addy's World. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a good name.

Speaker 1 I like that name. Yeah.
Okay. So this will be Addie's World, and the Adam Friedland Show will be the talk show.

Speaker 1 An anti-copying podcast. Yes.
And then there's going to be Law and Order, Great Mouse Detective, Colin

Speaker 1 Addy's Detective.

Speaker 1 Special Victims Unit. And that's going to be a show.
That's going to be a cartoon rat that goes inside women's pussies. Yeah, the Great Mouse Detective Special Victims Unit.
Voiced by Adam. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What is this? Like the inside of a pussy.
What's the linger pussy? You can just speak. You don't have to do it.
What's this like your pussy? Yes. Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 I noticed there's multiple multiple different semen samples inside of the here you know what i checked in on this it seems as if someone's run a train i haven't watched tucker carlson in a while yeah i put it on it's just been dvrd at my

Speaker 1 cable like six months ago or however long maybe a year ago now i have no idea yeah there's just a whole backlog of tucker carlson and just i mean the companies that advertise on that show I know I brought this up before, but so funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's for people that are about to die. Well, there's one, there's one for this shit called Eurolift, where it starts off, and it's a guy on a stage.
It's like a green screen.

Speaker 1 He's in this massive auditorium. It's the kind of thing we would do.

Speaker 1 He's on a stage, and he's like, men over 45, you know, getting your prostate checked or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then the monitor behind him, there's like a fire hose going off in slow motion, and then like an NYPD fire boat, like spraying water.

Speaker 1 And it's for this surgery where I guess they just, basically, they shove a balloon animal up your dick and then inflate it to like make your tube bigger.

Speaker 1 Oh, when you said Eurolift, I imagine that thing that's like a chair that takes you up the stairs.

Speaker 1 But it goes like goes on the other side of the stairs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's European.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I think

Speaker 1 I love the little chair. I love to rise a little chair up the stairs.
Yeah, my dainty ankles could not handle the stairs. I love to be handicapped.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 Wait, so it's a balloon product for your penis? I don't know if it's a balloon. I don't know how it works, but they expand your urethra.

Speaker 1 They shove something in there to expand your urethra. Oh, it's not for getting hard.
It's for

Speaker 1 pissing harder. To aggressively piss in front of other old men so they know your hole hasn't shut.
Yeah, yeah. Like those other old.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe for guys with prostate problems or something. No, you guys,

Speaker 1 because you know, your prostate gets swollen. By the time you're 50, you piss, it sounds like one of those fucking light-up paintings in a Chinese restaurant.

Speaker 1 It's just like weak.

Speaker 1 That's all you got coming out of it. So this thing, it inflates your stuff.
Anyways, this guy's on stage. He's like, no cutting.
There's no cutting involved.

Speaker 1 They don't say surgery. They say no cutting.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's because I don't know what the definition of surgery is. I guess if you put a balloon in somebody's dick, that's a type of surgery.
So maybe they have to say no cutting.

Speaker 1 And then at the end, he finishes his speech and he just goes, yes.

Speaker 1 And then walks off stage.

Speaker 1 And I kept re-watching it. I'm like, why does he say yes?

Speaker 1 There's no question. There's no question.
He just goes, yes.

Speaker 1 That is like something we would make.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Pure lift system. Full power stream.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I guess

Speaker 1 the other option we could do is just have the podcast be the Patreon and then just have just us be the first people that upload the

Speaker 1 YouTube

Speaker 1 video episode.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know how business works. I didn't get into this.

Speaker 1 I didn't even get into this like our plan. Our plan of continuing the podcast aspect throughout the year is trying to have a fucking good time.
And so

Speaker 1 we might change our minds in six weeks. So don't anytime we say we have a plan for the show, everyone's like freaks out and they're like, that's what's going on.

Speaker 1 So guys, this is what we think this week, and then we'll figure it out. out now that we have like now that we're able to do like it's kind of like uh

Speaker 1 like uh jumping rope or learning how to juggle or something

Speaker 1 now that we finally hit the high watermark of two video episodes back to back huge and we got like a with the production schedule starting starting to make sense

Speaker 1 i mean now it's time for a little victory

Speaker 1 yes yeah i'm smoking a fucking cubin right now yeah um because the problem was you know like making something and then we're like fuck yeah then we just go to KGB and we get drunk for seven days.

Speaker 1 And it's like, fuck, we got to put another episode out tomorrow. Yeah.
And we're like, Stephen, can you edit it? And he's like, everyone's saying I have AIDS.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But no. Yeah.
Very soon. Well, now we have two editors.
I feel like we're just streamlining this entire process.

Speaker 1 The only thing we still, we need to soundproof the room. We need lights.
Correct.

Speaker 1 No, we're getting more lights.

Speaker 1 We got the acoustic drape treatment. We got the $8,000 acoustic drapes installed.
Yeah. Is that how much those were? Yes.
It's funny because we hired Dave, so now I'm not spending the money anymore.

Speaker 1 And it's Dave spending the money. It seems like Dave is spending a lot of money.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 in my mind, I'm like, none of my damn business. It's your money.

Speaker 1 Literally my business. It's your business.

Speaker 1 It's none of my damn business. It is none of my damn business.
Can't say it was me spending the money.

Speaker 1 That was on Dave. Smooth move, Dave.

Speaker 1 You're not going to be seeing that back, Dave.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I think things are coming along pretty good.

Speaker 1 Oh, and to update the audience, we did find, hopefully, pretty close to finding a talent booker. No, we got it.
That's done. It's just negotiating the rate.
Okay. $82,000 a month.

Speaker 1 I don't know if we can afford that.

Speaker 1 Why not? I mean, the guests have to be big if it's 82,000. Yeah.
I mean, we have to be getting like... To get that little trumpet guy, that was huge.
Trumpet guy.

Speaker 1 That was awesome. Yeah.
Yeah. He was great.
Yeah. He was great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was so much

Speaker 1 that we could.

Speaker 1 There was so much left on the cutting room floor. Oh, like what?

Speaker 1 There was just, he just goes on for like 30 minutes. He was talking about Ross Perot.
You guys do a little waltz to dance with my father? I don't think he can dance. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think he's in dancing shape. Do you guys dance a loop? We didn't do a walkout.
We didn't do a walkout because he's literally.

Speaker 1 He can't walk? No. Did he come here on his hands?

Speaker 1 Did he come here on his hands like Lanky from Donkey Kong?

Speaker 1 Dave went down to his apartment, picked him up. He had

Speaker 1 physically picked him up. Picked him up at a, you know, in a car.
I've never seen him. Went into the apartment.
Went into the apartment. I'd really imagine he comes here like an orangutan.

Speaker 1 It's just a clothing line from his apartment

Speaker 1 just swings. Then he had globs, he had globs of makeup on his face.
Dave's like, I think you need to. So then Dave had to wait for him to finish his makeup.

Speaker 1 You know, and

Speaker 1 I love his haircut, too. And then he told me that he's looking, he gets a haircut of like a little girl from advertisements from the 1910s.
Yeah, he looks like a Dutch girl.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he looks like he was like a Dutch girl in clogs. Then Dave.

Speaker 1 Little Little Bethany's heroin soap. He comes in here.
He's like, do you like my makeup? I did it before I left. And I was like, yeah, it's very nice.
And he's like, it's clinique.

Speaker 1 That's what he said. It's clinique.
You know, like, as if, like, I'm going to go get some for me. And then, and then, um, but he wears these baseball cleats around New York City.
Yeah. But, like.

Speaker 1 For traction. But on a hard surface, like, it's not like grass.
Look, you never know when you're going to get called up to the mate.

Speaker 1 When you're Bob Dylan's friend that can fly, you never know.

Speaker 1 He also said, I don't know if you listened to the full interview, but he said that he sat on Mickey Mantle's lap

Speaker 1 and I was like, How old are you?

Speaker 1 I just imagine him at this age. He's the same age as Mickey Mantle.

Speaker 1 They were born the same year, 18 would not be seen.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, so he came in, but he didn't have, so he walks in. The first thing he looks at me goes, I threw out my back.
But he was like, he was at literally at a right angle, like from the waist.

Speaker 1 And instead of using a cane, he was using an umbrella. What back?

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 He's got a six-inch back. He's got such a bizarre look.
His body.

Speaker 1 His body is incredible. It's like how I would draw people as a kindergartner.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So Dave had, yeah, so Dave had to walk him in.
So it was Dave on one side, then the umbrella on the other side, bracing him. Yeah.
And then when he walked in, I kind of felt like...

Speaker 1 you asked him, you were like, so you were in the film Dunstan Checks In.

Speaker 1 The star of the movie Dunstan Checks In is here with us. The star of the film Ed joins us today.

Speaker 1 So what was it like working with Matt LeBlanc?

Speaker 1 You did ask him about friends, though, huh? I didn't ask him about friends. Well, it came up somehow.

Speaker 1 We also had to edit around that, but I brought up Seinfeld, and he was telling me, I guess we took it out, but he was talking about how much he hates him. They stole the idea for him.

Speaker 1 He He was saying how much he hates Seinfeld. Why? But he likes friends, but not because friends is good, but because he likes to look at the eye candy.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 because of Phoebe.

Speaker 1 Because he wants to fuck Phoebe. Smelly cat, dude.
Smelly cat. Yeah, she's the

Speaker 1 hippie ideal. Yeah, but he hates Ross, he was saying.
He was like saying that David Schwimmer,

Speaker 1 he's not a fan. Do you think there's going to be guys? That was a big edit job.
Because he got a lot.

Speaker 1 Look, the counterculture movement ruined. I mean, I don't know what kind of life that guy would have had.
He'd have been kept, he'd have been eating fish heads in the back of his family's shoe store

Speaker 1 for the rest of his life, just chained to a wall. No, I think he grew up wealthy.
I think he's a rich kid. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Because he was talking about how he would have been in a mansion playing a piano from across the room. His dad was like best friends with Robert Morgenthal.

Speaker 1 Just reaching across the room to play a piano.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No.
And then he.

Speaker 1 I mean, he is

Speaker 1 the most interesting thing about that guy from when I saw the original video and listened to him talk about like subsequently, and I've also, like, you know, I mean, like anybody else online, did a kind of a deep dive into the guy, is that he is like the quintessential boomer.

Speaker 1 He's the guy that's

Speaker 1 like, you know, mentioning Bob Dylan or these things, it's like he's gone to Mount Olympus by

Speaker 1 sitting on Mickey Mantle's lap. And then

Speaker 1 the way in which they mention mention the

Speaker 1 or like bring up the counterculture. The counterculture as if like, you know, they fucking like they thought they fought.
Yeah, because that was their World War II.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 the generation before them, you know, beat the Nazis. They died.
Yeah. So they're like, we're the reason blacks can go to restaurants because I wore a shirt with a flower on it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I want blue. Because I listened to music in college.
Yeah, because I wanted to fuck like without a condom. Yeah, like three times.
And then they hang on to that forever.

Speaker 1 And it's like, is that going to be like, are there going to be people that like, there's going to be some 60-year-old guy that's like, I marched for George Floyd.

Speaker 1 Like, well, you're holding up the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, they, they, it's just like they literally use something from 60 years ago.

Speaker 1 It's much better to be a fucking nihilist, to get one of the, to be one of the generations where the shit just falls out. Yeah.
That's why the Zoomers are lucky. They got nothing to care about.

Speaker 1 They don't give a fuck about. No.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, I think

Speaker 1 I was, who was I talking? No, never mind. I'm not going to bring that up on the show.
Bring up what? Someone that is a friend of ours was talking about how afraid of them he is.

Speaker 1 I was like, just you're a pussy. Oh, who's afraid of who?

Speaker 1 Of the nihilistic zoo. Of the nihilistic zoomer.
That's such a dumb thing, dude.

Speaker 1 They're not actually afraid. That's just the thing you think you're supposed to say.
A friend of ours. Who?

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Who?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ian Fidance. It was Ian Fidance.
Yeah, I'm really afraid of these Zoomers, the way they don't care about stuff.

Speaker 1 Not like us.

Speaker 1 We were listening to Ska.

Speaker 1 We were listening to the Skaw music.

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Speaker 1 Do they owe us money? They are in arrears.

Speaker 1 But that's partially

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Speaker 1 I don't understand how these are holiday inspired just because they're red and green.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, my dad would scratch my mom.

Speaker 1 My dad would get drunk and fucking scratch my mom.

Speaker 1 She would go to work with scratches all over her face and lie to her co-worker and said she had a cat. We didn't have a cat.
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Speaker 1 You can sign up for rewards, promotions, exclusive discounts, and they'll give you your free shipping on your first order. Frequently asked questions: Can I use Super Leaf if I wear diapers?

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, Super Leaf is not available for people that wear diapers and/or who are babies.

Speaker 1 If you're not a baby, though, then you'd like Super Leaf. Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 for sure.

Speaker 1 American Kratom Association, GMP Association, qualified vendor. Make sure you harvest

Speaker 1 ComeTown or Come Town20 or the Adam Friedland Show or the Adam Freedland Show 20. Just try a Come Town, Come Town 20 first, see if that works.

Speaker 1 It's harvested in the rainforest of Southeast Asia, just the leaf. All plant, no fillers, no synthetics.

Speaker 1 Lab tested for contaminants, adulterants, and heavy metals. This is a really good way to make your life better.
Is using all this stuff.

Speaker 1 Like, if you use the red one, that's for easy does it, afternoon, body, and mind. The green one, crystal clear, focus, all day energy.

Speaker 1 And the yellow one, supercharged morning energy. So you got to wake up and hit a little yellow.

Speaker 1 then in the afternoon, do a little red,

Speaker 1 and then stay up all night on green.

Speaker 1 What is polynesia, by the way?

Speaker 1 It's where they run trains, bro.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Polynesia.
Oh, I forgot that I'm not supposed to cheat on my wife. I've got polynesia.

Speaker 1 Oh, that is an Asia. Okay.

Speaker 1 I think it's

Speaker 1 in the ocean. I just asked.
I went by a Chick-fil-A earlier. I was like, what the fuck is Polynesian sauce?

Speaker 1 Dude, look at this.

Speaker 1 There's an article with like, it's tribuneindia.com, but their logo just like looks like the New York Times logo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's probably just like a place where you can just pay for articles to be written about your product. You can do that in the New York Times, too, as long as the person paying is the CIA.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right, baby. That's right, baby.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Create a McCoffee plant.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. I got this dumb facial hair now, and I wear those fucking sunglasses.
And I guess I got into the bucket hats, and I wasn't really trying to do anything intentionally.

Speaker 1 The pieces kind of came together separate, you know.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then, you know, it's weird that if you just keep reading self-published Amazon books about the CIA, eventually you just turn into that kind of guy. Yeah, that guy.

Speaker 1 A gradient aviator mutton shop bucket hat guy. Yeah.
I didn't try. I don't know.
I don't know how it works. It's just, I think it's part of being like an adult white man.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think like, you know,

Speaker 1 you have a 35% chance of that just naturally occurring.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're a Jew, the version of that is just getting really into Zionism. Yeah, or turning into Doug.
Or turning into Doug. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't know.
At the very end, he was like, I hope I passed my audition.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, you know, you get up off that casting couch. And then he just does a fist.
And he's like, that was a real fight we just had.

Speaker 1 But I think it was the,

Speaker 1 like, he was implying that he was fighting on behalf of the Me Too movement. But he was like, that's a very big fight.
But he does this fist. Yeah.
That's what I mean.

Speaker 1 They're just, they think they're actors. Yeah.
They think they did act.

Speaker 1 As a child of the 60s movement.

Speaker 1 But somehow it's like less repulsive to me than saying yikes on Twitter. You know? Like that form of activism.
Yeah. I'm kind of beyond judging anybody's behavior at this point.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You accept all children of God?

Speaker 1 No, I kind of just.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm just channel surfing now, even with people.

Speaker 1 It's just fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't really

Speaker 1 waste your life and let waste.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you should get a remote like in the movie Click.

Speaker 1 What is that about? This is Adam Sandler. It's pretty sad.
You should. I got a remote.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I got a remote.
It's me, Adam Sandler.

Speaker 1 Hello, mother.

Speaker 1 Hello, father.

Speaker 1 Here I am at

Speaker 1 Camp Granada.

Speaker 1 March is me shit, Camp Granada.

Speaker 1 Great joke. Yeah, pretty funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hello, mother. Hello, father.
Hello, penis. Hello, vagina.
Nope, no more of that.

Speaker 1 No, dude, we're fucking mature. Yeah, we do real songs.
We have all these guys saying, I'm gay to us all the time. That's our fault.
Yeah, what I want them saying now is, ain't nobody loves me better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the actual lyrics.

Speaker 1 Josh from

Speaker 1 henceforth, we do the songs correctly. We do the songs correctly.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's not cool to change the words anymore, guys. What a fool believes.
What a fool believes

Speaker 1 he came from somewhere back in the long ago.

Speaker 1 I don't know the lyrics of any song. He got again.
Sentimental

Speaker 1 Love me better. Love me better.

Speaker 1 The second time around.

Speaker 1 We gotta get Mac to get us fucking. What was that? What did I just do at the end? Was that that fucking theme song from

Speaker 1 Step by Step?

Speaker 1 Second step. Second Time Around.

Speaker 1 What song ends that way?

Speaker 1 The Second Time Around.

Speaker 1 I have no idea what song that is.

Speaker 1 Step by Step was Step by Step, day by day. Step by step, day by day, day by day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they had a roller coaster in the crowd. There's another step, and look out, do there's more steps.

Speaker 1 There's another step. Here comes another step.
Which keep on stepping

Speaker 1 the second time around.

Speaker 1 That's all good.

Speaker 1 Is that right? Yeah, let's fact check. Let's do it.

Speaker 1 Whoa, I like it.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Will there ever be a second time around?

Speaker 1 What? What are the lyrics? It sounded kind of morbid. Is it about a divorce or something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, there are second. I was supposed to

Speaker 1 marriage.

Speaker 1 After I got pussy from my secretary and my wife left.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Step by step. Lyrics.
Step by step, day by day. This is, I don't know.
No, this is the new kids on the box song. Step by step theme song.

Speaker 1 Lyrics is step by step theme song. Step by step.
Okay, we know that part. Hey, girl, in your eyes, I see a picture of me.
What the fuck? These are not the lyrics I just heard.

Speaker 1 What are you doing, Adam?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, here we go. The dream got broken.
Seems like all was lost.

Speaker 1 What would be the future? Could you pay the cost? You wonder, will there ever be a second time around?

Speaker 1 These are like Metallica lyrics.

Speaker 1 And nothing else.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa,

Speaker 1 when the tears are over.

Speaker 1 And the moment has come, say, my Lord, I think I found someone.

Speaker 1 Ain't nobody loved me better

Speaker 1 to be putting it together

Speaker 1 for the second time around.

Speaker 1 We got the woman and man. We got the kids in a clan.
Only

Speaker 1 tell. We got the kids in the clan.
If all these dreams fit under one umbrella, step by step, day by day, a first start over, a different day of the play.

Speaker 1 The deeper we fall, the stronger we stay, and we'll be better the second time around. That's the only part I remember.
The second time around part. The second time around?

Speaker 1 What so the wait clan is spelled with a C? Yeah, clan is spelled with a C, but in the KKK, they spell with a K. That was like a little that was like because they're blood.
It's like corn.

Speaker 1 They're bloods. They're like, oh, because they're bloods.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The

Speaker 1 BBB.

Speaker 1 The booblux bland.

Speaker 1 Happened effortlessly. That's the way it was.

Speaker 1 Something bum bum butter.

Speaker 1 Second time around.

Speaker 1 Ain't nobody. Nobody.
Step by step.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are we talking about? Hermit crab. It's hermit crab season, everybody.

Speaker 1 Should I get into hermit crabs?

Speaker 1 Adam, should I get into hermit crabs? Yeah, they're a lot like you. But you know what? I'm going to do

Speaker 1 every wall of my apartment, put like that net and let them live on the walls. Living art.
What do you mean, what kind of net? You know how there's something that they can, they love climbing.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, I guess they're trying to escape a cage.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't they? They live underwater? Oh, they love climbing. No, they're in a cage.
They're in a cage. They're trying to get out of with their dumb little lobster brain.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, yeah, the hermit crabs people have in school.

Speaker 1 Hermit crabs are basically in prison for being gay. For not having friends?

Speaker 1 Well, not for not having friends, but like, let's say a hermit crab, if that was just like a little, like, shitty little lobster shit

Speaker 1 at the bottom of the ocean, just eating fish shit, it would be free to do that. But because it was like, ooh, I'm going to be fancy.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm i'm gonna put a shale on yeah yeah oh i'm gonna try wearing one of these shales

Speaker 1 i'm gonna change my outfit we'll imprison these things and then the minute they think they're facing freedom no now they have a new warden who's a four-year-old that wants to smash that he wants to see how hard that shell is yeah yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 oh poor guys some kid get that's getting an impulse by at the beach and he's about to fucking yeah destroy your you the clothes you thought were worth it it's sort of a metaphor really the hermit crab the hermit crab is the one that wears different they change their clothes right the hermit crab is icarus basically they wanted to be that they wanted to to overpower their station in life which is being a little bottom feeder piece of shit right in which they had freedom and get into outfits but the hermit crab decided i'm too good for this i'm going to put this fancy shell on

Speaker 1 which is not a product of me

Speaker 1 you know it's not my art i didn't do do anything. I found this fucking thing.
I'm going to put it on. And now they're...
What do you got something going on?

Speaker 1 No, I was just

Speaker 1 I was just seeing apparently just all these publications just let you buy articles. The Washington City paper apparently.
You want to do this for the Adam Freeland show? No. Let's do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we could do advertorials. We should start doing that.
They're always from India to Outlook India. Super speciosa Kratom products review.
Well, they don't have journalists there.

Speaker 1 They're all doctors. Washington City Paper? That's like the alt weekly in D.C.
Journalist is the lowest. That's like an untouchable job in India.
It's beneath the untouchable caste.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Indian people hate the news. That's a great.
Honestly, I kind of agree. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I kind of like that. Lying ash media.
I hate the lying ash media. The lying fake news media.
You don't like the lying ush media.

Speaker 1 You're lying.

Speaker 1 You were lying. Why would I read this?

Speaker 1 Why did I read this? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why do you read this crap? I want to go to India. I bet it's cool as shit.
It seems like hot.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, mad people go during the summer. A lot of spices in the air.
Do they have fucked up. I know they got monkeys, but do they have like fucked up bugs there? Probably.
Fucked up snakes.

Speaker 1 I thought India was chill on wildlife. Like they have dangerous stuff, but it's like tigers or, you know, stuff that's cool.

Speaker 1 I would not mind being killed by a tiger. I mean, it's not ideal, obviously.
But like a scorpion, scorpion, no chance. Yeah, a bug.
Not some dumb thing hiding and waiting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some thing that wanted to live in my shoe. A hermit crab, even.
That's what they are.

Speaker 1 They're bugs. I hate scorpions.
You hate scorpions? I'm glad we encase them in hot glue and give them the children also.

Speaker 1 The same thing. They're not scorpion.
They're a scorpion. They're like, well, I don't want to be a fucking...

Speaker 1 I don't want to be a land lobster. I'm going to be pointy.
It's cool that scorpions can commit suicide. Can they? I think so.
Don't they take their stingers to their own heads?

Speaker 1 I think they do that by accident. Oh, really? Yeah.
No, because they're like, I'm fucking sick of this. Yeah.
Again,

Speaker 1 they're like, I'm going to try out yoga.

Speaker 1 I'm getting into yoga.

Speaker 1 Eric, I don't know if that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 I don't think we're supposed to be doing yoga. I think that's for people.
Scorpion. Yeah.
Well, I'm going to try it out. I want to do something different.
I'm tired of stinging stuff all the time.

Speaker 1 I'm tired of just going around desert stinging things.

Speaker 1 I want to expand my horizons. I'm going to try yoga.

Speaker 1 I don't feel too good. Oh, come on.
Eric, I think we should go to the hospital. And do what?

Speaker 1 Tell them I'm a hurt scorpion. I can't even speak English.
They're not.

Speaker 1 I'm a little bug.

Speaker 1 They're going to help. I don't have health insurance.

Speaker 1 You're out of your mind. I'm just going to try doing more yoga and see if I feel better.

Speaker 1 Ouch.

Speaker 1 This yoga hurts, but I think it's good.

Speaker 1 Eric, you're hurting yourself.

Speaker 1 Eric, you're really messing yourself up. You got to stop doing all that yoga.
You're stinging yourself in the dang head.

Speaker 1 Why is Southern gay funnier? I don't know. It is funnier, though.
Well, it's funnier when it's a little gay scorpion. Yeah.
Yeah. No, I think Southern gay just...

Speaker 1 Eric, you've been hanging out with that hermit crab too much. I don't like him.
Why? Because he's gay? No, because he's been to prison.

Speaker 1 Because he's always in prison. Him and all of his friends are in prison constantly, trying on new outfits.

Speaker 1 They're in there doing musical theater

Speaker 1 in prison. I don't want that for you.
We should be out here in the desert stinging stuff.

Speaker 1 Oh, they're looking for their hiring. Who? The Scorpions? Super Specials.

Speaker 1 We're done with Super Speciosa. I know.
who's next ridge wallet but we got some time we do oh no we don't actually we're having too much fun dude

Speaker 1 ridge wallet folks we got to get that we do have to get that lab mic things resolved because i don't think we're we were supposed to get free lab mics and then i guess it's not happening so we need to make a little bh trip wireless labs yes yeah we need wireless labs yes that's that we need that by saturday kind of expensive how much are they they're a lot dude.

Speaker 1 Like, how much? Well, we need four of them. You need a receiver.
And then, yeah, we need all the auto. How much is that? I don't know.
It'd be like $20,000. $2,000? $20,000.
No way.

Speaker 1 For four microphones? Those lab mics are fucking expensive. Like, the ones I had people recommend.
I don't know. I'll let Dave figure it out.
I mean, I've asked Dave to figure it out numerous times.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't be figuring out any of this shit. Where is Dave right now? I should be going on vacation every two weeks.
I know. Yeah.
Dude, now you're getting tight again.

Speaker 1 You had that vacation glow, and now it's just like, it's completely disappeared off your face.

Speaker 1 Well, I need to also spitefully not be like hiring people, and then they fuck up and being like, well, I told you so.

Speaker 1 Like when Dave didn't get the footage over? Yeah, not my fucking problem. Yeah, that's what I told you on the phone.
Yeah. I was like, dude, we did.

Speaker 1 Like, Steven didn't get the footage until Tuesday at noon. No, I had like some, something just flipped over the last like three weeks.
I don't know. I like you better this way.

Speaker 1 I had like an office space like hypnotism kind of thing happening.

Speaker 1 Dude, i'm you not being super stressed out all the time is way better bro i don't care i'm just here to have fun i don't care if the show's good bad i don't give a fuck whether it makes money the ridge wallet they launched the ridge wallet with a simple belief that we can make wallets better two kickstarters nine years and over two million wallets later they're still starting uh where are we

Speaker 1 Oh, they're still starting every day with the same mentality. Only now it's to improve all the items that you carry every day.

Speaker 1 So their approach is wallets for too long were designed to hold everything. Receipts, gift cards, anything else that you can stuff in there.
They turned that on its head with their minimalist.

Speaker 1 Oh, so carry less and live more. Guys, here they have fucking little cases for your keys, wallets, pens, and backpacks, duffel bags.
They got a bunch of good fucking shit that you can use.

Speaker 1 And they're made out of fucking metal. The same metal that guns are made out of carbon steel

Speaker 1 titanium aluminum guys this shit is good damascus what's damascus

Speaker 1 this is their homage to the iconic forged steel material made with medical grade 304 stainless steel and their unique chemical etching process Experience the look and durability of Damascus without the upkeep.

Speaker 1 What is Damascus?

Speaker 1 Damascus and fucking Syria?

Speaker 1 They have a 24k gold wallet,

Speaker 1 which is made from real gold. This special edition fashion-inspired design is an ideal balance of luxury and minimalism without the compromise.

Speaker 1 Guys, here's the deal: They've taken their innovative design and material approach to create products that you rely on. The items you carry every day are your tools for better living.

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Speaker 1 with ragewall.com.

Speaker 1 what else do we have so they have wallets key cases they have kits which are bundles with wallets and key cases they have rings built to last a lifetime uh much like your love

Speaker 1 uh they have watches

Speaker 1 guys they just have good fucking shit and you got to trust us on that

Speaker 1 holiday season's coming up you got a dad you don't have much in common with him why don't you get him a fucking pen i've got my dad a pen before he really liked it

Speaker 1 Base Camp Orange. They have a limited edition Base Camp Orange Wallet, Key Sand, and Penn.
Guys, it's good shit. And guess what? Nick and I use the commuter pack every day.
Isn't that right, Nick?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we use it all the time. I wound up on a Hermit Crab forum.
Okay, what's that say? So go to ridgeball.com, promo code Comptown, Comptown20, taps, whatever the fuck it is. You'll get a discount.

Speaker 1 A lot of this shit is on sale right now on their website if you look it up.

Speaker 1 So everyday carry is an all-encompassing phrase for the essential items you take with you on a daily basis and use for specific tasks.

Speaker 1 So guys, this is a gear that you use every fucking day. Go to ridge.com, put in promo code come down, come town20, tafts, or whatever the fuck it is.

Speaker 1 And if you order by December 18th, you get, it will be delivered by the 25th. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Is that true for everything, you think? I haven't gotten any Christmas presents for anyone.

Speaker 1 Fuck. I just realized this.
I've already done most of my Christmas job. Really? Yeah, it's already done.
What should I get my overall?

Speaker 1 I got to get prepared to do this big tax payment at the beginning of the year, so I need to

Speaker 1 make sure that the gifts are taken care of lest I

Speaker 1 owe money and,

Speaker 1 you know, the government gets paid last.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Make sure

Speaker 1 everybody else gets theirs first. Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, Joe Biden. Fuck you, Joe Biden.
What's the Hermit Crowd Forum saying? It's great. At the Emergency Health Advice section.
What does it say? It's just people being like,

Speaker 1 she's out of her shell. What do I do?

Speaker 1 Help, injured hermit crab.

Speaker 1 There's somebody named Curly Sister who posts, who has multiple posts on here. One post, help injured hermit crab.

Speaker 1 Another one is, hermit crab malted underground without shell and the other crab took her shell.

Speaker 1 They have another post, crab deaths. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Speaker 1 Tells a whole story. Here's another one.

Speaker 1 This is all the same person. Naked crab with black lump on its side.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Both my crabs are currently underground. Before going underground, Grape had been shell shopping and recently fell twice climbing into the moss pit.

Speaker 1 He seemed to fall shell first, so I wasn't super worried. But this morning as I was running out the door for church, I saw a little window underground by the glass.
There he was, but he was naked.

Speaker 1 I was already late, so I couldn't do anything until I got home. When I got home, this makes me sad.

Speaker 1 Hearing about the crab dying? Yeah, just this woman and her little bugs.

Speaker 1 Little bug animals are fucking probably fine.

Speaker 1 You know, she's just telling them that they're sick? Yeah, well, they're imprisoned. Yeah, imprisoned by a lady that likes bug stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to figure out. They're just watching the scorpion kill itself and living in jealousy.

Speaker 1 I want to watch a video now of a scorpion committing suicide. The fancy crab that's put itself in a beautiful prison, watching the scorpion kill himself with vinyasa yoga.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? Oh, it's when they're surrounded by fire. Hmm? They do it when they're surrounded by fire.

Speaker 1 Dude, this woman posts constantly. New hermit crab on top of substrate hasn't moved.
Hermit crab smells fishy and won't come out of shell. Crab trying to eat the other crab while malting.

Speaker 1 Help. New crab dead from stress, fight, or malting.
Update.

Speaker 1 Crab won't go in a shell.

Speaker 1 Hermit crab death. My hermit crab is having extremely difficult and traumatic malt.
Seems totally lifeless now.

Speaker 1 Substray drying while crabs malt it. They just post.
This is like they just post constantly. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Hermit crab problems. What's her name, Arianne? Curly sister.

Speaker 1 Hermit crab virtually immobile, listless

Speaker 1 this poor lady my hermit crab louise is virtually immobile and that she obviously these are multiple elise she's just going louise she's going through hermit crabs and killing them at an alarming rate

Speaker 1 like first of all lady these are meant for children they're for babies yeah they're for science like third grade classrooms yeah

Speaker 1 Louise is virtually immobile. What started from a sluggishness and seemingly broken, disjointed leg gradually led into...
This is just Kathy Bates in misery. She just keeps sitting on these.

Speaker 1 She's like, I just love Hermit Crab. Just breaking their legs.
She has Munchhausen's by crab.

Speaker 1 By Hermit Crab.

Speaker 1 I'm not even kidding. I bet this lady's just fucking breaking these little guys' legs.
Yeah, she's just sleeping in bed with them, rolling over on them.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She lost she probably, you know what happened? She lost a baby. She had a miscarriage and then she got cheated on.
Yeah. And now she's all alone.
She's alive, a thousand percent.

Speaker 1 She just doesn't move and sits out of her shell, not tucked in whatsoever. She has no drive to find a hiding spot or rest or dig under anything.

Speaker 1 I've popped her in a cocoa nut or partially covered with moss, and she scooches off and just hangs out in the wide open tank.

Speaker 1 A few days ago, I lost track of her, and I saw a hole, and I believe she had burrowed under. Yesterday, I saw her standing on the bridge to my water dish, completely shellless.

Speaker 1 I thought she had sat there and died. I grabbed a couple of shells because I figured the one she was in must have been heavy.

Speaker 1 I left them in front of her, pumped a humidity, and tried and true trick, has always worked when convincing Hermes to get back in the shells.

Speaker 1 And then I had to leave to go pick up my little sister from school. I came back and broke my little sister's legs.

Speaker 1 I came back and she was in a new shell, thank God. But again, just sitting there, only slightly tucked in, when I came around, but never fully.

Speaker 1 The shell isn't too small, it's the perfect size, and she's an E. So if it was small, it wouldn't even have cup sizes.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 they're like tits, basically.

Speaker 1 No, that's what I like to have, mate. Yeah, this old cage in my living room filled with pet tits.

Speaker 1 Do you imagine that? Mates come over and I say, what do you got there?

Speaker 1 What do you got there? What happened to your hermit crabs?

Speaker 1 What happened to your hermit crabs? I said, I swap them out for pet tits.

Speaker 1 You don't have to feed them. You don't have to do anything.
They just make milk. You suck on them.

Speaker 1 It's like being a beekeeper, but you ain't got stung.

Speaker 1 You don't have to worry about getting stung. I said, I've had it with hermit crabs.
I don't want them anymore. All they do is pinch me.

Speaker 1 I go in there, try to play with them, and they pinch me.

Speaker 1 And then when I go to smash them, they run back in their shells. And I said, what am I doing this? What am I doing this to myself? I'd rather have a big wall of tits in here.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would be nice to have a case or a tank full of tits. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 1 A tank full of anything, honestly. That's true.
You see how much petrol is these days. These days.
I know. I've got an empty tank here and in here.

Speaker 1 And here.

Speaker 1 And in my heart. And here.

Speaker 1 All of my tanks are empty. All your tanks.
Every single one, bruv.

Speaker 1 It's weird to think that the balls are like little tanks in there. They are.
Little cum tanks. Yeah.
You think when you're not, each one of the shots comes from one of the balls they alternate.

Speaker 1 It's like bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's true. What happens? They just shoot simultaneously.
I imagine that's how it would look when Goofy the Dog bus

Speaker 1 is one ball goes up.

Speaker 1 It is very steamship willy. It is very, very,

Speaker 1 uh,

Speaker 1 very, like, early animation to imagine two balls skeeting in like alternate paths. That's a very steampunk way to imagine it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would imagine it.

Speaker 1 I imagine that's the way Ernest Emmingway.

Speaker 1 Ernest Emmingway would do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they add H's to things that don't have H's. You know what I love is Ernest Emmingway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know how they say the letter H? And I love sesame. They say H.

Speaker 1 Grover, cookie monster,

Speaker 1 big bird,

Speaker 1 Herney, Hernie, but

Speaker 1 I love Bert. Bert.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because Bert's a smart one.

Speaker 1 And then Hernie is an invalid. Yeah, Herney's a, yeah, Herney's

Speaker 1 got a,

Speaker 1 they said he's got

Speaker 1 cruz on syndrome. What's that? He's got she ate too much of Thatcher's paint and he's got cruise ones.
Oh, is it from lead paint? I have no idea

Speaker 1 that's so funny. Is it not really? I should just say that.
It's been equipped with clean, brand new substrate deep enough to bury herself. A small water dish you can fully submerge in.

Speaker 1 A few pieces of moss for extra humidity in case it gets dry. A food dish with extra powdery food and tons of calcium supplements sprinkled on.

Speaker 1 And to top it all off, it's located in a prime spot right next to the heater and humidifier.

Speaker 1 Damn, this girl's crazy.

Speaker 1 Poor girl.

Speaker 1 She don't know how to take care of her little bugs. She sucks, dude.
You don't like her?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she just can't like better hobbies. You can't feel bad for this lady.

Speaker 1 You can't find it in your heart to feel. You got to be a TV host, man.

Speaker 1 You can't be too cool for school.

Speaker 1 I would like to have someone like that, like a person with that boring of an interest on the show. Yeah.
One week. We'll have like

Speaker 1 Richard Gere, and then he'll stay on the stage, and we'll have someone like that. Yeah, crab leaving Shell.
Emergency.

Speaker 1 Oh, my. Last post by Nicole Gets Creative.
What'd she say?

Speaker 1 Nicole Gets Creative. Hi, my name is Nicole.
I post on the Hermit Crab form.

Speaker 1 It's all girls?

Speaker 1 Are Hermit crabs a girl hobby? I think so, yeah. Wow, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Last night, my small crab took a dip in the salt water pool. This morning I found him out of his shell and still in the pool.
I was able to safely scoop him up and put him on dry land.

Speaker 1 I went to get fresh shells for him, but

Speaker 1 he got in a new larger shell before I got back.

Speaker 1 I left him alone, but when I went to check on him the second time, he had climbed out of the shell, moved all the way across the tank, and landed in the freshwater.

Speaker 1 I thought he had drowned, but he didn't. I put him in a Tupperware with some chlorinated water.

Speaker 1 Put two clean shells in there, a larger flat sea shell with some meal worms and a piece of cuttlefish bone.

Speaker 1 After an hour, he put himself in one of the shells, but I'm so afraid he will leave it again and hurt himself.

Speaker 1 What should I do here?

Speaker 1 There's no answers for him.

Speaker 1 This was great. This is by Krabby Lover77.

Speaker 1 Hermit Crab has three legs and no claws. I don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, this is a fella. I just found one of my crabs with only three legs, missing his claws.
They prefer to be left alone, so I probably don't check on them as much as I should.

Speaker 1 But the last time I looked at him, Monday or something, he was fine. I just refilled the food and water because I noticed the other crab came out of the mold thing.

Speaker 1 Gotta make some of his food out a little water in the rain as well. I don't know,

Speaker 1 What there's people like, oh, give him a little peanut butter. His arms and legs got ripped off.
Give him a little peanut butter?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not even, they don't have a brain. Now it's just two eyes.

Speaker 1 Two eyes and a shell.

Speaker 1 What is that, a snail?

Speaker 1 I guess so, yeah.

Speaker 1 Those poor guys. Nematodes and Hermit Crab Tank? In fact, the people using all caps on the Hermit Crab forum.

Speaker 1 There's never been a justifying. Something's less justified for all caps.
It's posting on the Hermit Crab forum. Oh, man, those poor people.

Speaker 1 I have four PP in the 55-gallon tank with 6-8 inches of cocoa-slash-sand substrate. The tank is kept in a humidity of 80% and temperature of 75 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have two pools, fresh and salt.

Speaker 1 And I'm reading it this way because the guy's name is East Coastie Ghosty.

Speaker 1 So you think the Far East Coast? That's what I imagine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was imagining, you know, Osaka. Shaga.

Speaker 1 I love shit like this, dude. Yeah.
I can spend an entire, I could just have an entire evening just reading through the

Speaker 1 the hermit crab form just dead eyed

Speaker 1 just uh yeah yeah naked crab

Speaker 1 and then in parentheses possible mites

Speaker 1 oh my god this is bleak yeah

Speaker 1 all capital letters the post itself all capital letters too smallest crab is naked and out of shell possibly happened sometime between saturday and today i was off when I inspected the shell.

Speaker 1 There were small red things crawling in it. I rinsed the shell and the crab.
The other crab seems to be okay, hiding in cocoa nut. Crab hasn't gone back in shell.

Speaker 1 Are people helpful? No.

Speaker 1 Every time they're like,

Speaker 1 try giving him some food.

Speaker 1 Try giving him, why don't you put a little water in there? Give him food. Give him water.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, that's fucking dark, bro. I'm going to go to another

Speaker 1 section on this form because this is all emergencies. Adoptions.
If you have a crab that needs rehomed, that's a great way to get murdered.

Speaker 1 It's by looking for a crab on the hermit crab forum and meeting up with one of these people at a fucking economodge off the highway.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. I'm here to purchase crabs.
from a man I met online. On Craigslist? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Crab attack conditions, crab behavior. Crab behavior.
This is the one I want to see.

Speaker 1 Crabs won't dig. Is something wrong?

Speaker 1 Tips on introducing a new crab. Really worried.
Just heard one of my crabs chirp.

Speaker 1 Background info. I have four crabs and had them almost two months now.
There's one big one,

Speaker 1 a bit larger than a ping-pong ball in a shell. Two medium-sized ones, half the size of the big one, and one tiny one, half the size of the medium one.

Speaker 1 I have them in a Reptile 1 RTF 900 that I've I've turned into a two-story setup due to the substrate being deep. I wanted them to also have lots of climbing things.
Nice.

Speaker 1 The largest one looks to have had a successful malt.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I was just sitting, reading next to the habitat, and I heard very quiet but unmistakable chirping, exactly like the video's recordings.

Speaker 1 At first I was so excited because I figured they'd be so quiet I'd never hear them, but then I got worried because I've read it can mean they're trapped slash attacked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've had moulters get loud seemingly at random. So these things fucking scream.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my crab is.

Speaker 1 This is a great post, but this is by Crabby Grammy.

Speaker 1 The title is: Interesting night of crab watching. Okay, let's hear.

Speaker 1 Let's hear about that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, and there's zero repairs before I get

Speaker 1 no one's replied though.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's so sad.

Speaker 1 So there was a squabble last night over Myrtle's discarded shell. Ian had moved into it after Myrtle took a new shell, but she apparently still had some attachment issues with it.

Speaker 1 They both repeatedly checked out all 10 shells in the shell shop over and over again.

Speaker 1 At one point, they squared off and both took a ninja stance and tussled for a few seconds before going their own ways.

Speaker 1 Myrtle came back and started rolling Ian around like a ball while he was tucked inside. She rolled him faced up, climbed on top of him, and peed on him.

Speaker 1 I saw a stream of water come out of her shell directly on Ian and down his shell. How rude of that was that, LOL? They are both the same size, so I'm not worried about that.

Speaker 1 Ian doesn't seem to be afraid of her, and they both took turns eating and drinking after the argument.

Speaker 1 I noticed this morning that Ian has taken his old shell back, so maybe he's decided it's not worth it. I never knew how entertaining these guys can be to watch.
I just wish they'd do it before 3 a.m.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. That's awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 These poor people.

Speaker 1 Just reaching out into a void.

Speaker 1 Like having this hobby because they don't have other people in their lives. And then going on this forum to make contact with other people that also don't have anyone in their lives.

Speaker 1 They probably do have other people. They're probably relatively normal people.
You think? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have an evening of crap washing. No, these are people that are very easily amused by anything.
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 You know, like the normal, normal guys, like, they get like this over Marvel movies. Yeah, yeah.
But these are the people that are like,

Speaker 1 they got chocolate chip cookies and wear these now.

Speaker 1 Where do I tell everyone I know?

Speaker 1 And frankly, I'm jealous. Yeah, no, it sounds nice.

Speaker 1 You think they're ha they're they sent they're probably pretty happy, I guess.

Speaker 1 What are you looking at? I just got like a text.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 from that lady of Virginia. Virginia, who?

Speaker 1 You remember when I was on the phone with her? You're like, oh, hello, Virginia.

Speaker 1 Oh, the insurance lady. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hello, nurse. Hello, nurse.

Speaker 1 It was on speaker. Yeah, and you were like, she was like, excuse me, is someone in the background right now? I was like, yeah, that's my.

Speaker 1 i gotta figure out a way to get canceled for saying hello nurse to a woman yeah i gotta get like an office job or

Speaker 1 if i lie my way onto like a very serious film set

Speaker 1 and then just find just corner some pa yeah and go hello nurse

Speaker 1 and then uh and then just let that story live

Speaker 1 just so i'm gonna get tv tmz say oh she sued the production company because mullin said hello nurse to her

Speaker 1 What is that from? Because it's from like World War II or something, where the only chicks around were nurses? No, it's what Bugs Bunny says. It's from cartoons?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's just what Bugs Bunny says. Guys, picked it up from a cartoon.
Doesn't Bug Bunny say hello nurse? I mean, it's like an old school thing to say to a bitch. Oh, hello, nurse.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 All right, we got it. That's a cool movie.
You take a woman's pants off before you go down on her. Say hello, nurse.
Yeah, you go, well,

Speaker 1 to the pussy. To the pussy.

Speaker 1 Well, hello, nurse. Well, hello, nurse.
Tom Myers probably does that.

Speaker 1 I want to hear Tom Myers explain. What's the closest he's been to a pussy? I want Tom to explain fucking.

Speaker 1 It's probably a lot like him talking about trying pot.

Speaker 1 I've tried pot.

Speaker 1 It's such a funny sentence. I've tried pot.
Yeah. No, I told you, the last time I got high, I just walked around my apartment.
I think the British are coming. I think the British are coming, dude.

Speaker 1 Just making myself die laughing.

Speaker 1 One of these days you're going to die laughing.

Speaker 1 We got to call Ethan. Oh, we have to call Ethan? Yeah.
Okay. Well, do you want to swing around and hit

Speaker 1 El Stapo on the L Recorder DGO? Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening to the show.
If you enjoyed the Adam Friedland Show podcast, check out the Adam Friedland Show itself at patreon.com slash T A F S.