Ep. ZIT – Bite Town

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Quince.com slash TAFS.

Speaker 1 None of the none and nine none and nine ninety nine. Don't look at my dick

Speaker 1 Nana nine nana na na na na na na na na na na. Don't look at my dick.
What happened? You lost your microphone? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Papa.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Papa.

Speaker 1 Folks, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the weekly show. While Adam looks for his microphone, he somehow can't find it, even though it's attached to his head.

Speaker 1 I have both microphones.

Speaker 1 This is my fault. I'm sorry.
I should, god damn it.

Speaker 1 Now it's stuck to me. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 My whole goddamn life is just wires. Wires Wires fucking driving me insane.
It's stuck.

Speaker 1 Quick reminder, everyone, to watch The Plumber.

Speaker 1 The Peter Weir movie. The Peter Weird movie.

Speaker 1 The kind of movie that...

Speaker 1 Did you get it? He made it worse.

Speaker 1 He made it worse. Sorry, sorry.
No, you're okay. Don't worry.

Speaker 1 While Adam gets his microphone untangled from the headphones,

Speaker 1 folks, I'm in Houston this this weekend at the Houston Improv

Speaker 1 Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Speaker 1 The ticket sales are not going well, which it's actually not your guys' fault. Turns out that

Speaker 1 they only sell tables. So you have to find a friend.
Maybe there's some sort of buddy meetup. Maybe this is a chance to find your lover,

Speaker 1 his sexual lover. Or hire an escort.
Hey, do you want to go

Speaker 1 to the Nick Mullin stand-up comedy show where he's doing Subway Jared bits still in 2022?

Speaker 1 See his classic Harambe bit.

Speaker 1 See a whole hour of Harambe the Lion,

Speaker 1 Subway Jared,

Speaker 1 Dominic Strauss-Kahn

Speaker 1 era material from when I quit stage.

Speaker 1 I've been on tour for six months now. Wait, March, April, May, June, July,

Speaker 1 August, September. Fuck, seven months, eight months have been on tour, and I've produced a big fat fucking zero in terms of new material.
But

Speaker 1 I'm a good hang afterwards, you know, we can

Speaker 1 chat, and maybe shoot up. Maybe you'll meet your lover.
You'll meet your lover. After that, next weekend, I am in Phoenix, Tech, Arizona.
Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, Texas.
Phoenix,

Speaker 1 they should make, that should all be one state. Texas, Arizona.
New Mexico. New Mexico, Nevada.
Oklahoma. New Mexico, Nevada.

Speaker 1 Forever, I always thought that was bullshit, that those are two different places. They're not even bordering one another.
Yeah, but they're the same. They both start with Anne.

Speaker 1 And I got a lot to say about that.

Speaker 1 If I don't mind if I don't mind if I blue Chew. Maybe we get some more information about Blue Chew coming up a little bit later.
That's exciting. That's exciting.
Stay tuned for that.

Speaker 1 Why the hell do people say see a later alligator? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go ahead. Why don't you go ahead and try that to an actual alligator? Yeah.
Good luck, buddy. Good luck, buddy.

Speaker 1 Paul Myers live.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and try saying that to an actual alligator. I look at him and I say, pal, why don't you try saying that to an actual alligator and see where that gets you?

Speaker 1 A one-way ticket to

Speaker 1 Bite Town, pal. That's where you're going.

Speaker 1 In fact, I think I'll be playing Bight Town next week. Oh, geez.
Hope the crowd's better than this one. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's good. Geez, I hope the folks over at Byte Town are a little bit better than you guys.
That's pretty good. What else do we got, folks? You see, Dominic Strauss-Kahn is in the news.

Speaker 1 Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news. Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news.
Of course, the former leader of the World Bank who got arrested

Speaker 1 for molesting. For molesting an African woman in a bathroom.

Speaker 1 I don't know what's worse, that that woman got raped in there? That's probably the first time she's seen a bathroom in her entire life, folks. I'll tell you, you know who on the ground.

Speaker 1 You know who couldn't wait to get on a plane from Africa here is that lady. And then the last thing she said was, see you later, alligator.
But she meant it for real.

Speaker 1 Because she was never coming back. The jungle is filled with alligators.
She was never coming back to the heart of darkness, the dark continent.

Speaker 1 Black Africa. They used to call it Black Africa.

Speaker 1 Do you know the original title of that book was Fart of Darkness, and it was about how stinky the Congo was. No way.
Yeah. No way.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's crazy some Polish retard managed to write a book. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't think they had books there. In Poland? Yeah, I thought they only had tubed-shaped meat products.

Speaker 1 Kielbasa.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Polish people. How about that? They're very red.

Speaker 1 Polish people? Yeah, from alcoholism. They get very red.

Speaker 1 Do you ever go up to Greenpoint and

Speaker 1 see those fuckers up there? They got skin heads up there. Do they? What's the timestamp? I don't know.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I got to keep, for the ad reads, I got to keep it.

Speaker 1 Keep a little. I'm feeling good, dude.
I took my vitamins.

Speaker 1 It's necessary. Now that I'm a vegan,

Speaker 1 I have to take those fucking vitamins. Do you need iron and stuff?

Speaker 1 Iron you can get from spinach and broccoli and stuff. They don't put iron in, at least the multivitamin I've used forever because it's easy to get too much, I think.

Speaker 1 And then you get heavy metal poisoning? Yeah, you become

Speaker 1 no, you become

Speaker 1 Rob Halford. Oh, sick.
Yeah. He's like, I think I got heavy metal poisoning.
They're like, no, it's HIV from being a homosexual.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's heavy metal poisoning. It's heavy metal poisoning.

Speaker 1 It's from doing too much hard work.

Speaker 1 that's one of my bones i'd yeah that's one of my bones is messed up i'd jump his bones i'll tell you what

Speaker 1 i'll tell you what

Speaker 1 i might just uh be a british moron for the rest of the time whatever

Speaker 1 i didn't realize that the british moron was uh rob halford it's uh the homosexual lead singer of judas priest let me tell you something

Speaker 1 let me tell you something how do they say it is it like that yeah they say sang

Speaker 1 Sang. Sang.
Let me tell you something, son. Let me tell you something.
Don't son me. Don't come to where I live and try to sun me.

Speaker 1 I'd like to see them try to sun me.

Speaker 1 Just reading about this. Reading about blacks.
Yeah, yeah. I found out they're doing this.
In New York, they're doing this, sunning each other.

Speaker 1 Why don't you come down to Australia and try and sun me, see what happens

Speaker 1 later, alligator? That's what I'll be saying to you. Yeah, first they let the blacks in, then you stalk ahead and sunned.
Yeah, that's why we have to claims the border.

Speaker 1 What else is in the news? I tried to fuck a guy, but I'm straight. Rob Halford is back in the news.
I have the pin.

Speaker 1 Rob Halford is back in the news.

Speaker 1 Yeah, folks.

Speaker 1 Well, guys, also, I want to wish all of our Jewish listeners a very meaningful Yom Kippur fast. You really got into your shit for Yom Kippur this year, huh?

Speaker 1 I promised my mom I'd go.

Speaker 1 That's good, dude. I'm happy for you.
As long as you don't revert to Zionism,

Speaker 1 I'm fully on board with this new Jewish, even more Jewish Adam. I'm going to go more Jewish, more religious.
Get back into my spirituality, which I was never really into. Yeah.
Yeah, I was more into,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 more into music. I think that would be good for you.
Yeah, maybe it'd give life some meaning.

Speaker 1 Give life a little bit of context. Maybe stop worrying just about myself, you know? Yeah.
Start seeing myself as part of something bigger. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just

Speaker 1 maybe we could have like a rabbi on for one of the video episodes.

Speaker 1 We could get that

Speaker 1 guy.

Speaker 1 What's his name? Rabbi Shuley.

Speaker 1 That guy that goes on TV.

Speaker 1 I think he's a scam artist.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He had a show, I remember, it was called called Shalom in the Home.
I tell you, if they had that guy around, they'd have to rabbi shoo me away from all the pussy that he'd be bringing in here.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, he likes him.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He likes them.
His whole crew.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 His whole crew of

Speaker 1 bitches.

Speaker 1 Real yum. Some yum kippo.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yum. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of Jewish holidays. Now that we have to go to BNH all the time,

Speaker 1 they're closed all the days. They're constantly closed for another holiday.
Well, once a week they're closed for the Sabbath.

Speaker 1 And then, yeah, BNH is closed today for Yom Kippur. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That is very funny. Like, they saw Christmas and they're like, what if we do it all the time? What if we had a million Christmases?

Speaker 1 What if we just had Christmas every week?

Speaker 1 What if we had Christmas, but it was just more boring and didn't involve, you know, what if I built a tiny house outside of my house and we eat calm chocolate in there? That's the funniest one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Suck it.

Speaker 1 Suck it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That one's funny, and then their Halloween was pretty funny.

Speaker 1 Honestly, though, do you feel good about doing the Yom Kippur stuff? I feel like my mom would have liked that I went. Did you feel like connected with her or somehow? No, I did not.

Speaker 1 Well, they do a prayer for if you have a dead parent,

Speaker 1 they do something. That's really nice.

Speaker 1 I stayed in the room. Everyone else has to leave.

Speaker 1 If you have an immediate relative who's dead, you stay in and they do the thing. And I felt like that was good.
I wish I could have some kind of spiritual connection.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, all I got is my gadgets. You got your wires.
I got my wires and my gizmos. Yeah.
And sometimes

Speaker 1 Nick has them crossed. Yeah.
You know? You got your wires crossed, pal.

Speaker 1 He gets his wires crossed, pal. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You ever notice how people say,

Speaker 1 don't get your wires crossed?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Pal, show me one guy who hasn't done that. I got a drawer at my parents' house where I live filled with wires, and they're completely crossed.
Yeah, they're just jumbled up. So, what are you saying?

Speaker 1 I have schizophrenia. I'm a schizophrenic guy that does comedy for some reason.

Speaker 1 All right, next joke. Next joke.

Speaker 1 Bite down.

Speaker 1 You'll see me next week in Bite Town.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll get you a one-way pick of this mic. What's that story you have about him talking about the Orioles?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. DJ on the podcast.
Yeah, DJ's landing. Yeah, shitting on the Orioles and two guys just casually leaving the bar.
Oh, that too much for you?

Speaker 1 Get him, Tom.

Speaker 1 Boom.

Speaker 1 Get them. Oh, and you speak of Tom, fans stay on him about coming on the show.
Apparently he's going on a big podcasting tour. He goes on the Chapo Trap House podcast.

Speaker 1 You know, I listened to five minutes of that on the the plane. I couldn't tell them apart.

Speaker 1 It was like five Tom Meyers sitting in a room. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now I have to fucking, they have to boast to me, oh, we had Tom on.

Speaker 1 About mom tires. Yeah, that'd be sick.
She's like, y'all want some, y'all want some Michelins?

Speaker 1 How you doing? My name's Sandy. I'm 832 pounds, and I sell used tires.

Speaker 1 I sell them myself, personally. I'm mom tires.
That's the name of my business. And I'm also gay yeah

Speaker 1 my tires a riddle bit Chinese

Speaker 1 just a riddle

Speaker 1 just a riddle bit I'm just a riddle bit I'm the Chinese Tom 23 and me Chinese Tom Iris being like yo why do they call him the riddler it seems like this guy's the same size as less of them

Speaker 1 yes that's good he's about the same size as rest of them but they call him the littler

Speaker 1 that's

Speaker 1 I was thinking they should call him the normal size guy. Yeah.
The guy that's the same size as everybody else. I guess that's what the question marks are for.

Speaker 1 You see him and you're like, Yeah, this guy's riddler than the rest of the guys. And you look at him and you're like, No, he's not.
And it's like, What?

Speaker 1 What the hell?

Speaker 1 And that's what all the exclamation points are for. You know, they got a new riddler coming out.
The new movie. Yeah.
Yeah. Who's playing the riddler? It's trans.

Speaker 1 Really? And the question marks are: what are the gender identity? Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The gendalist. The genderless.
On TBS. The genderless.

Speaker 1 The genderist. The gender.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I solve crimes. Yeah.
He just shows up at the crime scene. And I know what you're thinking, folks.
What even is that? Like,

Speaker 1 he uses the power of men's logical thinking and women's intuition to solve crimes.

Speaker 1 He solves crimes with his fake tits and his giant cock. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool. I'd watch that show.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What would you do while you're watching it? Would you masturbate?

Speaker 1 No, they wouldn't show that on network TV, but they'd imply the giant dick.

Speaker 1 You know? And they wouldn't show Nip.

Speaker 1 But they'd show everyone getting horny for the genderist.

Speaker 1 The gender mentalist.

Speaker 1 He's got multiple genders. He does.

Speaker 1 Damn, now I feel sick again from hitting that vape. I think that's the problem.
Yeah, a problem. I wish that thing wasn't around.
It's not good for you.

Speaker 1 It's terrible, and I quit, and then,

Speaker 1 you know, like just getting work done all day, just getting stuff done. It's hard not to do a little bit.
Yeah. You should get a wife that you can beat.

Speaker 1 I'm not a wife beater. Yeah, but that seems like a nice way to polish off a good day's work.
I'm a wife ignorer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my son.

Speaker 1 I wish you'd hit me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wish you'd hit me because at least you acknowledge that I'm here. Literally, yes.
That's one. That's every relationship I've had.
That's the problem.

Speaker 1 At least if you hit me, we'd be closer.

Speaker 1 The amount of times I've heard, it's like you're not even there. Yeah.
I just wrote that in the thing I was writing. Oh, the thing you were writing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It feels like you're 1,000 kilometer away.

Speaker 1 Folks, are people still doing postcards? Old letters right there, everybody can read it. Yeah, it's true.
What if you wrote on there, hey, I'm gay, don't tell anybody?

Speaker 1 I hope nobody sees this.

Speaker 1 I hope nobody sees this postcard. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll try that one out in Bite Town. Bite Town next week.
Yeah, I'll be in Bite Town Four Nights at the Comedy Lodge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd like to see you try and say that to an actual alligator, pal. That's a good joke.

Speaker 1 That's a good joke. There was this nerd that I went to high school with.
I probably said this on the old podcast. This is not a nerd-besmirching podcast.
I'm not going to talk shit, but he was a...

Speaker 1 Hometown may have been a nerd-besmirching podcast, but the Adam Friedland show is pro-nerd. There was this kid written.
This is a Wire and Gizmo show, and when that's not happening, guess what?

Speaker 1 It's fucking Yom Kippur, pal. It's Sakkat.
It's Rosh Hashanah.

Speaker 1 What's the other one? Passover. There's another one.
Simchat Torah. Simchat Torah.
You know what? That's the one where they get drunk. You're supposed to get drunk.
On Manashevitz.

Speaker 1 You get drunk on shots of potato vodka. What are some of the other Jewish holidays?

Speaker 1 Shminiat Seret. And that's Toyota Truckathon.
Yeah, that's Toyota Trotathon. Toyota Truck Month.
And they're losing their goddamn mind over there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's fuckathon at the Toyota dealership.

Speaker 1 Come on down now and fuck Larry, the finance manager. It's Toyota Fuck Month.
Show your pussy to Larry and he'll fuck you. It's fuckathon.

Speaker 1 It's Toyota Fuck Month. It's Toyota Trans Sales Event.

Speaker 1 We're trying anything. No one's buying these cars.

Speaker 1 Are you trans? Please buy a car.

Speaker 1 If the bank's allowed to be gay, why can't Toyota be gay? It's true. Come on down for gay trans Toyota Day.

Speaker 1 No money down.

Speaker 1 There's going to be

Speaker 1 a car dealership to a Pride Month event. I'm sure there has been.

Speaker 1 Zoom, Zoom. Zoom, Zoom.
It's Mazda Pride event.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, there was this nerd I went to school with named Richard.

Speaker 1 They always have their full name. You notice that? Gay guys and nerds.
Dick. Yeah, Dick, a nice straight guy named Dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they're either like they're all Christopher. Richard.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Richard was a nerd, and he said all of high school that he had a fiancé and that it was Wiccan.

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 1 Probably huge tits. Yeah, she probably.

Speaker 1 Nothing like a Wiccan girl with huge cold tits. Yeah.
She's a, yeah, they're just poorly. They're tastiest.
They're poorly circulated. Yeah, they got the blue veins.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have veins like a penis. You pull them out.
Yeah, you pull them out. You're like, Jesus,

Speaker 1 are you using a walk-in freezer for a bra?

Speaker 1 Why are your tits blue? Folks, have you ever noticed that these Wiccan girls have cold tits?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll be trying that one out in Byte Town next week so he had a bumper sticker that said be uh don't be mean to dragons uh because you'll end up getting burnt damn I did a fucking number on my back

Speaker 1 on those wires yeah

Speaker 1 dude I'm sorry man it's all right Nick is killing him for self for this show I did it the most and guys listen the studio is looking pretty right next week we have our second install we're pretty fucking excited about how things are coming along.

Speaker 1 And if you want to support the show, and you want to support the,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 whatever's going on and what we have planned, we're looking at next month is going to be the official launch of the new Adam Friedland show.

Speaker 1 So guys, you can go to patreon.com slash T A F S

Speaker 1 and you can subscribe. You get twice as many episodes.
You get exclusive video content. There's a couple videos up there right now that we've already done.
We have more in the works right now.

Speaker 1 So go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-F.

Speaker 1 That was a little plug.

Speaker 1 The Adam Friedland show. What did Steven said? He's starting a podcast called the Friends and Guys podcast.

Speaker 1 He's like, stay tuned for Fags episode one.

Speaker 1 I love Steven. We got to have Steven on the show more.
Yeah, he was on the show that one time without. Yeah, I know.
But he got afraid to talk. Yeah.
He was like, yeah, Adam, I feel like I didn't.

Speaker 1 I really blew it on the show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, people, it takes a while for people to, you got to turn off the

Speaker 1 you got to forget that anyone's listening. Yeah, you know, you got nervous at Sirius.
I could see it in your face. I got nervous, but I warmed up.

Speaker 1 No, you know, I was, it was just there's something more about going into a studio and you know it's live, yeah, and you know, there are cameras, those heavy doors that close, heavy doors, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, it was just like I was uh thinking, and I was like, wow, this is like when I was watching Howard on E jacking off to the blurred titties as a youth. I was like,

Speaker 1 now I'm a pair of blurred titties. This is huge for me.
But, you know, I think I got during the

Speaker 1 second block, I think I felt a lot more comfortable. At first, I was a little shook.
Folks, you hear this song Blurred Lines? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This guy's talking about when it's okay to rape a girl.

Speaker 1 Geez, it makes you wonder, Robin Thick, does they mean thick-headed? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What a freaking moron to write a song.

Speaker 1 You got to be a freaking idiot to rape.

Speaker 1 It got me thinking, I'm going to start writing a song, and it's called Can I Eat Hillary Clinton's Pussy?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'll be in the studio all week recording that one if anybody wants to talk to me after the show.

Speaker 1 Imagine the song version of that.

Speaker 1 Hillary.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She locks in the room. She's got an old cunt.

Speaker 1 I want to lick it.

Speaker 1 I want to suck it.

Speaker 1 You know I'm Tom Mars.

Speaker 1 Can I suck you?

Speaker 1 Can I lick you?

Speaker 1 You know, I want that old cunt. Let me suck it.

Speaker 1 Just let me enter from the bottom of your

Speaker 1 drapes that you wear now, the $10,000 drapes that Hillary Clinton wears as clothes. It's true.

Speaker 1 What is she? She dresses like fucking like

Speaker 1 in like sci-fi.

Speaker 1 She dresses like Kim Jong-un. Well, she dresses like a dresses like a North Korean person.

Speaker 1 In sci-fi, when there's like a religious leader, there's like a premier that's also just like the Benny Jesserin. Right, yeah, exactly.
Just in communion with God. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's how she sees herself. I'm the high priestess of fucking.
Hello, I am Reverend Mother Hillary. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to have a big month. We're actually asking Hillary Clinton's permission to do gay month at Toyota.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 We gotta watch her. Here at Fuckface Toyota.
We gotta watch her.

Speaker 1 We gotta watch her show where

Speaker 1 she learns how to be a comedian. With the French clown.

Speaker 1 Well, the French clown is a clip from it, but it's Hillary and Chelsea Clinton learning about comedy.

Speaker 1 I think we can watch it and then learn about comedy too. What we gotta do right now

Speaker 1 is we're gonna have to

Speaker 1 have to talk about

Speaker 1 my bookie. My bookie.
Mybookie.agi.

Speaker 1 Five years ago, I had a stroke, and I've been living off disability, which wasn't enough to actually keep myself alive. So I figured, fuck it, I might as well gamble my disability checks.

Speaker 1 So I've been going to mybookie.ag

Speaker 1 and placing

Speaker 1 money lines on what are you pulling up? The website? Mybookie.ag.

Speaker 1 Folks, the NFL season is in full swing.

Speaker 1 The Raiders are one in three.

Speaker 1 Guys, you can bet on fucking sports at fucking mybookie.ag

Speaker 1 and the full website is mybookie.ag don't put the f word in it guys they have a sports book they have casino they have racing you can deposit money you could deposit bitcoin you could deposit your seed

Speaker 1 They got contests.

Speaker 1 Let's see what their contests are nowadays. Oh, they got a MyBookie Super contest.

Speaker 1 Think you know about football? Pick five games against the spread each week and earn points for the wins. A battle for huge cash prizes, all SZN long.
I don't know what that means. S-C-N.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a cool way of spelling season. Oh, Mr.
Guer Chinese. Oh, blacklist.

Speaker 1 Chinese is a fuck. If you are Chinese, you're a fuck.

Speaker 1 If Japanese, you're current. If Chinese, you're a fuck.

Speaker 1 At my merchant.ha.

Speaker 1 They got another contest called Survivor Contest. That's where...
Survivor. Who remembers that TV show?

Speaker 1 It's still on TV. A lot of fun.
You know what else is on TV?

Speaker 1 The Simpsons. It is.
It is.

Speaker 1 What happened to that damn Jeff Probst? I had a weird moment the other day when I realized that I'm the age now that Homer Simpson was when The Simpsons started. Is that right?

Speaker 1 I'm doing 30. 33.
Yeah. I'm the age now that Homer was when The Simpsons started.
That's good. Got me wondering, what's next? Am I going to turn into a cartoon character?

Speaker 1 Am I going to get a big gut and I should start drinking duff beer?

Speaker 1 I guess you folks aren't television fans. Guess we don't have TV owners in here.
Guess we don't have TV owners.

Speaker 1 I met a girl the other day at a bar.

Speaker 1 She told me she doesn't have a TV in her apartment.

Speaker 1 And I said, so how do you watch TV then? And she says,

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 And I said, well, then how the hell do you

Speaker 1 I said, fuck you.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. I don't think it's nice to talk to a woman that way talk.
By the way, tomorrow 9 a.m. we're good on the floors.

Speaker 1 So after we wrap this up, we've got to move everything over to the equipment room. I got you.
So they can and then I guess I'm going to have to

Speaker 1 I'll get those those outlets put in now because I'm not going to be able to bring that ladder into the on the floor after. All right, cool.

Speaker 1 Or at least I'm not going to be able to drag it all over the fucking floor after.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's finish this My Bookie. Yes, yes, yes.
So they got the My Bookie Super Contest, the My Bookie Survivor Contest. Are you a survivor? Prove it.
Pick one team each week.

Speaker 1 Straight up, no spread. If your team wins, you move on to the next week.
If they lose, you're fucking out. You can't pick the same team twice.
How long will you survive this winner-take-all contest?

Speaker 1 And they have another one called Squares. Get hyped for every quarter of action with squares.
Select your NFL or NCAAF. What's NCAAF?

Speaker 1 That's Black

Speaker 1 Fags.

Speaker 1 What's up, man? We're the Black Fags.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's the NAAC. We're a biker gang.
Yeah, we're the Black Fags.

Speaker 1 NCAAF Squares.

Speaker 1 Isn't that one of the New Zealand rugby teams? All black facts. Black facts.
Oh, no. The black facts.
Yeah, the black facts. Squares on the game board and choose the score.

Speaker 1 Winners get paid every quarter. Terms and conditions apply.
Guys, you go to fucking mybookie.com, you sign up, murder.ag, you sign up, you get your bonus, okay?

Speaker 1 They got these great contests. They have live betting.
They have casino. They have races.
It's like a day at the track with the ponies. Let's see who's coming up.
Oh, Delta Downs.

Speaker 1 What's going on over there?

Speaker 1 They got a bunch of southern or slurs.

Speaker 1 In race one at Delta Downs, I'm going to be picking

Speaker 1 my boy Sam. Oh, Heavenly Trump.
Heavenly Trump.

Speaker 1 He's a 15 to 1. He's on the outside.
He's in the 11th

Speaker 1 gate. All right, guys.
So go to mybookie.ag, you put in promo code Come Town or Come Town20.

Speaker 1 You get all this fucking free shit. You get free money.
You get free everything. They got the best odds.
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Thank you. Mybookie.fag

Speaker 1 mybookie.fag.

Speaker 1 Wow, it's crazy. You could bet on preseason basketball, but those games aren't real.

Speaker 1 What do you mean they're not real? Well, they don't like it, it's not like a they're competing, they play their starters for like 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 They don't like uh, they're not trying to win. You know, I realized the other day, if you take the word letter P out of the word competing, what do you get? Comeding.

Speaker 1 Nice. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's true. He's like, I've finally written a joke.

Speaker 1 It took 35 years of stand-up comedy.

Speaker 1 I accidentally happened upon a joke. I figured it out, folks.

Speaker 1 Folks, let me ask you something. You're at home.
You're showing your penis to your wife for the first time.

Speaker 1 She's spewing a bunch of tie gobbledygook.

Speaker 1 You're 15 Budweisers deep,

Speaker 1 and the thing won't get hard. What do you do? You wait seven minutes until the Blue Chew read and you go back to this.
Let's go go back to it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn. Okay, well, good.
I'm glad that now that that guy emailed me back, it's like,

Speaker 1 good. Now there's a deadline, so I have to get all this other shit done.
And then we're done, done, done, done, done. What do you mean? With the room.
All the prep stuff is done.

Speaker 1 Then it's just shit gets dropped off. Light it.
You know what I mean? Yeah. This is the last thing.

Speaker 1 That's the last thing, and then

Speaker 1 lights us out. Yeah, also, too, I got to block out one more of these windows.
So I can do do that tomorrow.

Speaker 1 They're polishing the floors? They're gonna, I don't know. I really don't know about the floors, but I imagine they'd buff them and then they're gonna lay down like some kind of oil-based fucking

Speaker 1 like so. Will we have access to the unit tomorrow? We'll be sliding around.

Speaker 1 They're gonna just do it. He's coming at 10 a.m.
You're not even gonna be awake. No.
You're gonna be dreaming about Jewish heaven. I'm gonna be dreaming about next year's.
Did you make a brisket?

Speaker 1 No, that's for Rush of Shadow. Rush Hashanah.

Speaker 1 Why do you say it all lazy? Rushado. Roshijana.
That's for Russia.

Speaker 1 Because Jews are tired.

Speaker 1 Y'all, I'm tired. Jews are tired, y'all.
I'm tired, y'all. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do we got coming up? No, you don't eat for this one. Halloween.
Did we want to do something spooky for Halloween? Of course, we want to do something spooky for Halloween. A bunch of dead bits.

Speaker 1 We're going to do that. Yeah, what we're doing is we're going to go to the bit graveyard.
We're killing the show for Halloween. Yeah, we're going to murder the show.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It would be funny if we just never.

Speaker 1 Never came out with the show. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's coming, dude.
There are three guys who are like, I know it. It's coming.
It's coming. I hope we can at least do some of the other stuff.

Speaker 1 You can call me a fag. You can call me a kike.
But if you call me a goddamn liar.

Speaker 1 Actually, I've lied plenty of times. I've lied so many times.

Speaker 1 You can also call me a liar, I guess. But I'm not lying about this one thing.
Yeah. The show is coming out.

Speaker 1 And then what we also need to do, because look, we do have the premiere episode with The Big Guest, but we got our big celebrity guest

Speaker 1 with over one million Instagram followers. We need to hit CAA to

Speaker 1 just fill the calendar up. I know.
I talked to them. Also, they said that they will...
John could actually probably help with that. I think like Jim Norton? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, he just gets New York. He just gets Ian.

Speaker 1 No, no, they have like big guests that go on that show. Yeah.
Well, we need a producer. Like Dermot McEllery or

Speaker 1 Tom Scarrett has been on the show. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Huge.
We could have Diane Lane on the show. Oh, my God.
Dude, she's so hot. Kira Sedgwick.
Diane Lane is so hot.

Speaker 1 We got folks.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I used to want to fuck this show.

Speaker 1 First episode of TAFS, we've got Kira Sedgwick coming on. Kira Sedgwick from...

Speaker 1 the musical guest Chinese guy featuring Dracula. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kira Sedgwick from China.

Speaker 1 The Genderlentalist.

Speaker 1 The Genderlentalist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they got this show, Bones.

Speaker 1 Folks, I watched it. Guys, they got this guy, David Boreanis, in this damn show,

Speaker 1 Bones. There's not a single skeleton on the show.
Yeah. I mean, I guess the people have skeletons in them, but then you could call any show

Speaker 1 bones.

Speaker 1 In fact, I was saying they should call every show bones except for The Simpsons because those are cartoon characters. That's the only one where they can't use it.

Speaker 1 Hey, how about Family Guy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about Family? Who else would we want on the show? Folks, write in. Tell us what you want.
It's also two. I want to get...
We want Tom. We want Tom.
We want Tom. Guys, get in Tom's messages.

Speaker 1 Tell him the offer stands at $10,000. I'm going to figure out a way to get it where we can have people call in and it just pipes into the studio.
I'm so hyped on that.

Speaker 1 We could do

Speaker 1 like a Dr. Drew Love line.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What we need is we get the switchboard because at some point

Speaker 1 doing live shows would be cool. Yeah.
Yeah. So we should figure out how to do that.

Speaker 1 You're right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? You're coughing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just a little cough.

Speaker 1 It's dusty in this damn place. Damn, I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Now that I have a deadline and I can go back out there and keep getting work done.

Speaker 1 Now I just want to.

Speaker 1 How much shit do we have to move? Was that? We don't have that much shit. Not that much shit, but we got to get all the tape off the floor.
And then once everything's moved.

Speaker 1 They're just doing it in front of the flats, though. Yeah, once everything's moved, I want to just get these.
I've been intimidated by

Speaker 1 doing...

Speaker 1 Folks, I know you guys think I'm a moron, but I'm not stupid enough to touch electrical wires

Speaker 1 unless I know exactly what I'm doing but I think I

Speaker 1 I don't know what I'm doing but I think I got a handle on it I just need to throw outlets on those those two pots up top yeah that's great and then we're gonna be plugging shit into the ceiling yeah so you can plug the lights in up there yeah that's great and then also I should I should clamp down uh

Speaker 1 you know what I guess maybe I'll just get some like heavy-duty felt

Speaker 1 and then if we need to because I will have to get up there to move lights around once we get the DP in here so just put that under the ladder. But are the ladders going to fuck up the new floors?

Speaker 1 That's why you need like felt or something to put the floor. Oh, it felt on the bottom.
Yeah. Oh, I got you.
I got you.

Speaker 1 Guys, we're getting new floors.

Speaker 1 I'm excited.

Speaker 1 What else? What else? So I work at 7-Eleven, but you know, what that means means I'm half Indian, half Japanese.

Speaker 1 What's he up to?

Speaker 1 What are you doing? What are you doing?

Speaker 1 My girlfriend doesn't have keys, so she's going to come meet here. Oh, she's coming here.
Yeah. Damn, I have to piss so bad.

Speaker 1 We can pause. You can go pee.
Do you want to just try to do five minutes on your own while I go piss? Yeah. Let me see.
Why don't you make up a monologue? I'm going to go piss. I'll be back.

Speaker 1 Monologue about what?

Speaker 1 And folks, I don't have a bladder problem. I just drank a gallon of water.
He drank it in the store before he checked out. Because I was thirsty all day.

Speaker 1 And I was working and I didn't think to drink water. But I got a piss now.
I'll be back.

Speaker 1 Well, Nick said makeup of monologue, but I'm going to interpret that as

Speaker 1 not knowing about

Speaker 1 the monologue. Not knowing that it's a comedy monologue for a talk show.
I'm going to do a dramatic monologue

Speaker 1 from a play about Greenwich Village in 1981.

Speaker 1 Greenwich Village, 1981.

Speaker 1 A plague has descended on me and my friends.

Speaker 1 The queens,

Speaker 1 the fags,

Speaker 1 the gossips,

Speaker 1 the fairies,

Speaker 1 the butt-boys,

Speaker 1 the sailors, the bikers, the leather daddies, the subs, the doms.

Speaker 1 We're all dying. Who will it claim next?

Speaker 1 I moved to New York City for one reason, one reason only,

Speaker 1 to be a fag.

Speaker 1 Everyone growing up in my small town in Iowa said that I could never be a fag.

Speaker 1 I can never be like one of those big city faggots.

Speaker 1 I moved here with a stick and a bindle

Speaker 1 over my shoulder.

Speaker 1 I walked from Iowa to New York City.

Speaker 1 And I came when I arrived.

Speaker 1 I saw faggots everywhere.

Speaker 1 Boys with handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets, fucking in alleyways, dumpsters, garbage trucks, sneaking out in the margins of society. And now a plague has descended on us.

Speaker 1 Everyone's dying. Who's gonna die next?

Speaker 1 They say

Speaker 1 that I'm a dreamer.

Speaker 1 But I'm not the only one. It's John Lennon who said that, who's also a fag.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Hi, Doctor.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 There Is there a cure?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, yes. I've had rough gay trade sex.

Speaker 1 I've had rough trade gay sex recently.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, thanks.

Speaker 1 Semper 5, brother.

Speaker 1 Okay, so what was your story about?

Speaker 1 It was kind of a dramatic monologue. I kind of lost, fell off the, fell off, the wheels fell off the tracks.

Speaker 1 But it was like kind of... Nobody's jumping shit on motorcycles anymore.

Speaker 1 You know? Yeah, Knievel kind of really just was the only one. Well, he had his son.
Oh, his son. He had Knievel Jr., yeah.
Yeah, Richard Knievel,

Speaker 1 who liked computers.

Speaker 1 He would go, check this out.

Speaker 1 And then he'd overclock his Pentium.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah, I just talked about, you know, it was kind of one of those Angels in America style AIDS plays.

Speaker 1 You know, so I just did a dramatic monologue about growing up in Iowa and everyone telling me that I could never be a fag and telling them I was going to go to the big city to be a fag.

Speaker 1 And then a plague has descended upon us.

Speaker 1 And then all my friends are dying. Who will save us? President Reagan? Is that you?

Speaker 1 Reagan, President Weagan. President Wagon?

Speaker 1 Is that you? Is that you?

Speaker 1 President Wagon. Are you there, God? It's me.
Fat titty girl.

Speaker 1 Folks, if you're like me, your dick doesn't work.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Folks, if you're like me, your dick does not work. If you're like Nick, your dick doesn't work.
And the only way to fix that is by going to bluechew.sexy.

Speaker 1 Guys, in recent studies conducted across America, it was found that all men, or at least 99.5% of men, cannot get an erection.

Speaker 1 So you go to bluechew.com and it says have better sex, discover your options with an online provider. And provider means some bitch on it.
They made you do a Zoom meeting, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did a Zoom. I didn't have to do a Zoom meeting.
I did a Zoom with a nurse practitioner, not a real doctor. You could include it.
You said, I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 I demanded a real doctor. Blue Chew is a dick chewable company.
40% of Americans hate taking pills. Bluetooth, they invented a chewable form of generic Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

Speaker 1 And it's 100%, what's included is 100% U.S. licensed medical providers, prescription consultation for saldenophil, tadalafil, or verdenophil.
Professional, look, I didn't fuck those words up at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's all it takes.
Vitamins and my brain's working again. Dude, you're fucking, you're you're cooking with cash.
Yeah. No waiting rooms, no appointments.

Speaker 1 Guys, it's probably changed the lives of every single person who's listening to this podcast. But if it hasn't, you can go online, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers.

Speaker 1 No awkward in-person visits to the doctor. No awkward trips to the fucking pharmacy where they laugh at you.
They ask you not to come back. They say, come back when you're a real man.
And I say,

Speaker 1 you're not even from this country. And then they say,

Speaker 1 uh, fuck you. So, guys, you don't have to do any of that shit.
They send it to your apartment or home in discreet packaging, like a fucking secret agent. It doesn't say dick pills on it.

Speaker 1 And then you can rush to

Speaker 1 the fucking

Speaker 1 mailbox and hide it from your girlfriend. I choose my backpack to hide it in.
I have 100 dick pills on me at all times.

Speaker 1 And whenever we're making love, and she says, Why does your breath taste like blue raspberry candy? I say, it's because I like candy. And she should mind her own fucking business.

Speaker 1 She says, Well, I want some blue raspberry candy. I say, no,

Speaker 1 I ate the only one. Lips like sugar, sugar pussy.

Speaker 1 Folks, have you heard this song Lips Like Like Sugar?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it sounds like you'd get diabetes from sucking your wife off if that were a chance.

Speaker 1 You ever read Pussy So you ever read Hillary Clinton's Pussy So Hard Your Legs Have to Be Amputated?

Speaker 1 Here she's going to want to get back at Bill for all that shit he pulled. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, folks. That's pretty good.
I was thinking about this fat girl in Byte Town.

Speaker 1 Let's just say we got a date with Destiny.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that her name?

Speaker 1 It could be. I'll write that down.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yeah, what's your name? Destiny? What's your name? Destiny? Because I got a date with Destiny.

Speaker 1 And she said, no, my name's Michelle.

Speaker 1 And I said, well, I got a date with Michelle. Have you ever been to a stand-up comedy show?

Speaker 1 I said,

Speaker 1 have you ever seen a man pursuing a nightmare at 40 years old? A lot of people pursue their dreams, but some folks pursue a nightmare.

Speaker 1 Some folks pursue a nightmare before Christmas. Yeah, that's what Chris Angel said when I saw him live: that a lot of people follow his dreams, but he followed his nightmare.

Speaker 1 He followed his nightmare. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Speaker 1 I like that a lot. Anyway, guys, you go to blue shoe.com, you sign up, you talk to one of my bookie-use promo code ComeTown or Comtown20.

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Speaker 1 We can't guarantee your girlfriend. We can't guarantee that you'll last long.

Speaker 1 You might still bust quake, but it'll get hard as fuck.

Speaker 1 That's all girls love. You're having a hard, old-fashioned penis.
I have hard penis.

Speaker 1 She said my penis is small, and I told her no, it is old-fashioned.

Speaker 1 What's going on? Girlfriend problems? No, she said she'll be here in 20. Okay, we'll do that.
20 minutes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 Sarah.

Speaker 1 Ah, fuck. Now I'm like, no, I'm just anxious because there's a bunch of shit to do.
Oh, we just got to move all that stuff. She'll help us.
Yeah, move the stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm going to put that bitch to work. Move the stuff, get those outlets done.

Speaker 1 Which outlets? Oh, up top? Yeah, the ones on the ceiling. And then also thinking about that pipe's loose, so I should at least...
No, that's fine. It's fine.
It's fine. Don't worry about the pipe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do that later.
Yeah. I'm just trying to minimize.

Speaker 1 I don't want to pay to have the floors fucking look nice. Because they're going to be on camera, folks.
We're not insane making floors look nice for us. Are we going to have a no-shoes office?

Speaker 1 Are we going to have like an Asian family? You're going to have to wear booties. I'm going to wear booties.
We're going to wear painters' booties even while doing the show.

Speaker 1 You're going to wear a suit with painter's booties on. That's yeah, because Nick doesn't want me to ruin the floors.
I know, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now that I have nice floors, Jesus, I really am turning into just an old queen. Yeah, literally.
Yeah. Yeah, Nick put plastic on their couch.
Yeah. Because he doesn't want spills.

Speaker 1 I'm just hyacinth now. She's the best.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a great show, folks. If you've never watched Keeping Up Appearances.
We talk about it all the time. I think it's a big recommendation from your boy.

Speaker 1 It is a show that both Nick and I enjoyed growing up, and then we found out we were... I don't know, you're probably the only other person I know that's watched.

Speaker 1 Tim Dylan loves it. Does he? Yeah, my fa it was my family show.
We all watched it together. Really? I didn't my family wasn't even aware of it.
No, I just watched it.

Speaker 1 Because my parents are from they lived in England for a long time. Mouth Africa.
They're from Mouth Africa. Mouth Africa.
Yeah. They're from Gucktown, Mouth Africa.

Speaker 1 Welcome down here. We call it Mouth Africa.

Speaker 1 Because I'm about to Mouth Africa. I'm going, dude.
I'm I'm going. I'm book I'm booking my flights tonight.
I'm going to Johannesberg and Sucker Pennsylvania.

Speaker 1 I'm going to see Granny. She's 91.

Speaker 1 It's me. I'm

Speaker 1 going to be a little old tupag of

Speaker 1 Udom's Grundma. I'm Adam Skrundmo.
Yeah. And I live here in Mouth Africa.
Nick, you should come to Mouth Africa with me. We can go on Safari, dude.
We'll see like fucking exotic animals.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd love. Once we get this fucking show popping, dude, we're taking this shit on the road.
We're going on tour again. Yeah, we are going on tour again.
That is another thing that we're planning.

Speaker 1 Up and up and up.

Speaker 1 I was talking to our agents about this is they want to do it. Look, you guys, we got just one, one, like three more weeks of just sort of a lull

Speaker 1 while we do so. No more patchwork.
I know we said this already, but no more just feeding you slop. No.

Speaker 1 We're going to like, and look, and frankly, I'm sorry, but the podcast days are probably numbered.

Speaker 1 I guess we can continue to release an audio version of the video stuff, but we got to have a talk show. Yeah, we'll have a, I mean, if it's a talk show, we can still release it as an audio.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, I mean, we are going to do a lot of, like we said, we are going to have exotic animals in here. Yeah.
And they will all be wearing painters' booties. I'm so excited.
I got to be careful, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I got to make sure that I'm not having mental illness.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the best part about being mentally ill is that sometimes you'll be in a good mood and you have to go, this could be dangerous. Yeah, it's this could be bad.

Speaker 1 I got to be be careful I can't trust the depression I know that's fine yeah you know

Speaker 1 yeah it's the upswings fuck this world fuck this world

Speaker 1 but you know and the other thing I don't want to speak for the blue shoe corporation but it does cure manic depression as well that is uh they're not promising it but we have plenty of anecdotal evidence.

Speaker 1 Do you like that band, Panic at the Dick Sucking Factory? Yeah, they're from Vegas. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the band of my city.

Speaker 1 Panic at the penis center.

Speaker 1 Panic at the penis center. Panic at the place where you showed it.
Tonight, tonight. Tonight at the penis center.
Panic at the place where you show your penis to your friends. Yes.

Speaker 1 What are we going to talk about before the end of this show?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we learned early on that this...

Speaker 1 We learned early on that this is not the kind of show that can have zero preparation. It was nice that we had that for years.
Yeah. But this is going to be, which is good.

Speaker 1 That's what you want as a fucking, like...

Speaker 1 As a podcast listener? Not as a podcast listener, but as somebody that makes stuff, you shouldn't, like,

Speaker 1 you know, the problem with the old shows is it was, you just phone it in, you know? And this, it makes me feel bad

Speaker 1 when you do that. Yeah, I know.
And as the standards are going to begin to change. Yeah.
So it just kind of feels like that. We were in that mode for a long time and now it's kind of evolving.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's evolving into something.

Speaker 1 Please come out to Houston this weekend, though, because all of the money is being sunk into the show and I do need just maybe another month where I don't have to just live all stand-up money.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 we'll figure a budget out. Yeah.
Fire and forget. Whatever that means.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think we need a

Speaker 1 kind of a house bitch, you know. Yeah, my therapist said that I got to go no contact with my ex-girlfriend.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I told her, we didn't have any contact for the last two and a half years of the relationship.

Speaker 1 In fact, I was the entire time. She's a fat black woman in prison that I started a correspondence with.

Speaker 1 And that's the only relationship I've ever been in. You never got a conjugal visit? Yeah, I've never gotten pussy.
Yeah, I didn't get pussy. She was actually scamming.

Speaker 1 I've tried pussy. Yeah, I've watched a bunch of shows about.
There's that show, Love After Lockup. I've talked about it before in the show.

Speaker 1 But women, like, in prison, will find men and just, like, smuggle in phones

Speaker 1 for people. And they'll just make they'll scam them out of money.
People who eat too much cheese.

Speaker 1 And then. I just can't stop doing it.

Speaker 1 I wish I could, but

Speaker 1 every day I have to keep eating more cheese.

Speaker 1 Lawrence is a six-foot-two rat.

Speaker 1 Lawrence is a giant rat from England. Few people know that half, a percentage of the population in England is just mutant giant rats.

Speaker 1 How about that for so random? That's totally random. That's totally random.
Is it random enough for you? That's totally random. Yeah.
Maybe I'll pitch that to robot chicken.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they could have some action figures do a stop motion thing about it. I like making fun of robot chicken

Speaker 1 robot chicken because it's literally that's just all I've ever done. Yeah.
That's the kind of bullshit that I do. Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jerry Springer, but he's fucking five million pounds. Fat Jerry's ladies and gentlemen, fat Jerry Springer.
So you

Speaker 1 were sleeping with her brother, and her brother was sleeping with

Speaker 1 your sister.

Speaker 1 I miss Springer. Is he still on TV? Jerry Springer.
Yeah. Oh, I love Jerry.
I used to watch it when I was sick. When I was home from school, sick.
It meant that I could watch Jerry Springer.

Speaker 1 It was the best. I wish I could earn the respect of black people like Maury Povich has.
I think you're the show, mostly. I got the demographics information.
Mostly black people.

Speaker 1 Mostly black people, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think the hood fucks with Adam.
The hood fucks with me, and I got the baddest Chinese bitch on my side.

Speaker 1 It's weird that they call it a clitoris hood.

Speaker 1 I guess in some cases, it's because it looks like a hood on a sweatshirt. But in my ex-girlfriend's case, it's because it's been filled with black guys.

Speaker 1 I'll try that one out in Bite Town next week. Yeah, I guess you guys.

Speaker 1 I guess we don't have any racists in the world. I guess we don't have any racists here.

Speaker 1 I guess we don't have any virulent racists in the crowd tonight. Does that lady, Lisa Lampinelli, still do the roasts?

Speaker 1 They used to always say that she would have a lot of black lovers. Somebody's been telling me.
That was the joke about her. Somebody's been telling me there's a dance-dance revolution happening.

Speaker 1 Folks, yeah, good luck changing the government with dancing. You're going to need guns.

Speaker 1 You're going to need more than

Speaker 1 a couple of dances to get

Speaker 1 the. This is a man whose brain is dying.

Speaker 1 These clowns in Congress.

Speaker 1 These clowns in Congress. What are you going to dance at Mitch McConnell? Yeah.
Yeah, good luck with that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, they got this game, folks, called Dance Dance Revolution. I get the dance part.
I get the dance part. But the revolution part?

Speaker 1 What kind of revolution is happening? An audience of zero. A man losing his mind.

Speaker 1 Just doing...

Speaker 1 That would be a great i mean there has to be at least one homeless guy who's just thinking who's just doing stand-up for no one

Speaker 1 just a guy in this subway yeah talking about just his just observations about life that just are you know make absolutely no sense a guy who moved here for stand-up who's who's just literally failed and lost his mind how about stand-up momity And a woman comes on stage and she's got a big pair of tits and we all drink out of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be better than regular Santa Filma, I think. That's just like a woman in the 50s.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she's got a tattoo above each one of her nipples, and one says whites only, and the other says colors.

Speaker 1 That would be racist. That's just how it was back then.
That's just how it was. That's just how it was.
White women, they'd have...

Speaker 1 She'd let the brothers drink. They would have two titties.
She'd let the brothers drink. They'd have two titties.

Speaker 1 And I said, which one of them is the colored fountain?

Speaker 1 That was my move back in the 50s. That was your pickup line.
I'd point to that's

Speaker 1 I point and I'd say, I point to a white woman, and I'd say, which one of them is the colored fountain? You know, you sound like you sound like OJ Simpson's childhood friend.

Speaker 1 Did you see the documentary?

Speaker 1 He's got a friend that's like,

Speaker 1 I don't have a TV in my life. He's one of those guys that'd be like, Juice.

Speaker 1 That's when Juice found out his father was gay.

Speaker 1 You know that? What? That OJ walked in on his dad being gay with who with a guy with a guy oh my god yeah isn't that funny that's gay and then he kills his wife yeah

Speaker 1 he killed his wife and her her lover

Speaker 1 wrong you think his dad was on top or bottom

Speaker 1 i wonder

Speaker 1 yeah it does make you wonder it does make you wonder

Speaker 1 yeah well so we got this guy jesus jones now i get the jones part but jesus but Jesus

Speaker 1 has he even been to Nazareth

Speaker 1 you know who I think we should have as the next president you know those little guys they got outside of the Home Depot because they'll do it for cheap that's true and with the money we save you know how we can explore space together arm in arm with the rest of the world what if they made the president you make like a hundred million dollars a year or a term you do You don't make that much.

Speaker 1 I guess you do through like speakers' fees.

Speaker 1 Speakers' fees after the fact, but also by manipulating the stock market. Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 playing the picking the ponies in the stock market. Yeah, I guess you do.
I was just thinking, like, maybe if they paid a lot of money, then

Speaker 1 we get a little bit more talent in there than these clowns they got right now.

Speaker 1 Kind of like teachers, you know? That's why all teachers are dumb and they homosexualize.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, I would love to bust up that fucking teachers union.

Speaker 1 I would love to just get in there, fire all of them, and replace them with

Speaker 1 guys from the Home Depot parking lot. Because you know they do it for the title.
No, that's who the Chinese Riddler should call the Littler.

Speaker 1 You ask me, fuck. It's really funny how little they are.

Speaker 1 It is very. They are so little.
Yeah. And it's funny, too, because in your head, you're like, oh, that's probably because in Guatemala, they didn't have fucking milk.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make sense.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your brain makes up some racist reasons. Stupid shit.
Yeah, it's because they only would have one taco a day in Guatemala. So they couldn't afford tacos.
They didn't have the nutrients.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, I'm a solid at most four inches taller than most of those guys. And I'm laughing at them as if I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
Yeah, exactly. They really do make me feel big.
Do they? No.

Speaker 1 You should hire them to hold your dick. I should hire them.
them

Speaker 1 hey you want the drywall yeah something like that yeah just come and come in my car just get in the van just get in the car that was that's henry rollins book addressed to children

Speaker 1 just get in the van get in the van what what if what if um we should have henry rollins on the show yeah that'd be badass he's a vegan Yeah, me and Henry Rollins are friends. You are? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you chill with Rollins. We don't chill.
We correspond. Oh, you correspond.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I send them postcards. And everyone can read it? Yeah.
That's embarrassing. Henry, don't tell anyone I'm gay.
I'm gay. Don't tell anyone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some guy at the post office calls you up.

Speaker 1 Oh, I heard you gay.

Speaker 1 Well, folks, it's about that time. What are you doing? You're taking a phone call?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Well, folks, it's about that time.
Thank you again for listening to the Adam Friedland Show. Adam has to go get his girlfriend at the front door.
Perfect timing.

Speaker 1 Please go to patreon.com slash TAFS and subscribe. We got big things coming, we promise.

Speaker 1 It is going to be, this is a new

Speaker 1 welcome to the future. The future.
All right. Thanks, guys.
Love you.