Ep. ZZZ – Late Night Hustle

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Speaker 1 That's our responsibility. That's what it says in the lease.
So why are you going to tell the building? Because you can watch them come in. They're not coming.
They're not generating...

Speaker 1 We're not making the mice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyways,

Speaker 1 I don't know if I want to leave that part in. Why? Because then I'm going to get mice advice.
Oh, you're going to get so much mice advice. I get all this fucking advice from people, which

Speaker 1 clarify the cable issue I've resolved. So please don't fucking email me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he did email you? He did it on his own. Oh, yeah.
No thanks to any of you. Why does your email out there? My email is out there.

Speaker 1 I just got an email from a guy who's like, never mind, you're a spawn of Satan. And then that was it.
That was all he did. Yeah.
Well, people get annoyed with it.

Speaker 1 From a random or a man you dated a random oh wow I'm like the classic like fucking GED guy that's like I can fucking do that and what brain surgery I got this shit you know

Speaker 1 and then uh

Speaker 1 you know but like so there's a lot of things I'll just be like yeah this is easy I'll do it myself and then I'd burn the house down but

Speaker 1 that's also the people I've attracted as an audience So they're like, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I'm going to tell him what to do.
And then I'm like, okay,

Speaker 1 what do I do? And then they're like googling. And then they're like,

Speaker 1 maybe this. And it's like, so you're the same guy as me.
You're just two days behind me in the, I'll figure it out myself.

Speaker 1 Don't say that. Don't say that.
Okay, I feel like you're giving them hope. This is.
No. Yes, you are.
This is what I had to tell you.

Speaker 1 A guy that I met in Rhode Island, very tall, skinny, weird dude, black. He was talking about you.
Slender man.

Speaker 1 Made me, he was like, got this close to me, two inches from my face, and was like, tell me how tall Adam is. And I was like,

Speaker 1 oh, no, he said, tell me how tall Nick is. And I was like, this one.
And he was like, okay,

Speaker 1 then how, then how tall is Adam? Adam is this big. And like went way shorter.
And I was like, no. No, I'm taller.

Speaker 1 And then, I mean, he made me talk about it with him for like, he was like fully convinced.

Speaker 1 And then at one point he was like, on the podcast, you said that. You used to work a nine to five and you'd get tired out.
And now

Speaker 1 you do an hour of comedy, and you get tired out.

Speaker 1 And then he, with like one smooth motion, whipped his shoe off, slammed it on the table in front of me so hard, and was like, Take a walk in my N-word shoes. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this whole thing, it was crazy. He was nuts.
I mean, it kind of fucked him. I still, oh, yeah, it was a black.
Are you kidding me? That's sick. You gotta do it.
That's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a lot of freaks out there. There are a lot of sickos.

Speaker 1 I've only met nice fans. He was, he was cool.
They're all nice. They're all really nice.
And I I don't think, like, maybe it's just that every club you work, the

Speaker 1 manager will say, like, oh, the people that came out to your show, they were very courteous and nice, you know, as opposed to, I guess, if you have Joe Coy's audience that's famously, you know, they're all racist bikers.

Speaker 1 Joe Coy's famous racist biker audience. The biggest comedian in America.

Speaker 1 I have a lot of women who are convinced that they can turn me. That's what's happened.
Oh, like Leslies.

Speaker 1 That's cool.

Speaker 1 It's a nightmare. Women are terrifying.
When they're drunk and coming onto you, they'll just touch all of your body parts at once somehow. They're like,

Speaker 1 it's like claustrophobic. She'll be like, oh my God, I love your

Speaker 1 shirt. And you're like, you want to take it off? I'm like, just take it.
You can have it. Go away.
So you take your shirt off for these lesbians? Well, they're grabby. Do you guys deal with that?

Speaker 1 I mean, this constantly. Yeah, lesbians are constantly grabbing me.
It's not, they're bisexual women. No, they're like.

Speaker 1 They have this theory that all bisexual women are ugly and they're just taking whatever they can get. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Is this an Ian bit? No. No.
Oh, shit. I'm just kidding.

Speaker 1 That's not his bit anymore. I think Ian's just gay.
That's my theory on Ian. Yeah, he's just a New York comedian gay.
Yeah, totally. Where they just have sex with trans women.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then before they even had a name, what if it just used to be, you know, like somebody that went to Europe to get surgery? Yeah, I just... No, they don't go to Europe.
They go to Thailand.

Speaker 1 Or South America. Wherever.

Speaker 1 Because I feel like his spectrum... He'll date men.
He'll date trans

Speaker 1 women.

Speaker 1 But the women that he dates are so feminine that they're almost not a woman. You know what I mean? Like, they're just a doll.
And the idea of like period sex to him, he's like, fuck no.

Speaker 1 When Ian pulls sushi, he does all right. Yeah, yeah, totally.
He does okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, he's got nothing to lose.
Exactly. He can just go out and fuck a guy.

Speaker 1 If a woman rejects him, he'll be like, fine, I'll just go get AIDS. Right.
It's like

Speaker 1 how your girlfriend's.

Speaker 1 Pardon me. I have to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 I have to make a little trip to the bathroom to deal with this rejection. Well, it's like how your girlfriend's gay friend just grabs her tits in front of you, right?

Speaker 1 It's like, oh my God, sweetie, your tits look incredible. And they're like, palms it.
But that's Ian's strategy. in general.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just think people are like, he can't be that gay because the women he dates are like these Barbie dolls. And I'm like, no, that's because he's gay and repulsed by women that he has to date.

Speaker 1 He's also very confident. One of the funniest nights of my life, I was hanging out, me and Stav and, I don't know, there's a couple of other comics.
We all went out to dinner.

Speaker 1 I think Evan Williams was there, maybe. And we all went to some diner near the old stand.
And Ian starts talking about how he's a handsome guy.

Speaker 1 And me and Stav are like, on a scale of one to 10, where do you?

Speaker 1 put yourself he's like i don't know like eight nine or something yeah he's very confident and we're like ian you're one of the ugliest people

Speaker 1 i've ever seen in my life you look like the entire band toto went into the machine from the fly and like that's what came out no i get it i was looking at him today in the podcast i was like i can see it he has there is a way i mean it's he's like a brother at this point is this low gross but i can see the he's got a stockiness he has the barrel chested thing that's good you know what i mean no i don't know i wouldn't fuck you But I do think it's the confidence if he didn't have confidence.

Speaker 1 I didn't have confidence. But that's how all male comics are.
Yeah. Very confident unfuckable except for the confidence oh you know what i mean

Speaker 1 really carries them through

Speaker 1 interesting so you think old guys are male comedians are unfuckable yeah pretty much i agree i was watching micro scene's old late night he used to be a hot guy he's he's a really hot guy

Speaker 1 yeah he looks like wario now

Speaker 1 yeah he's gotten more italian something's going on he keeps texting me be like you want to go to the go to the gym and i'm like no i'm not ever going to do that with you that's the last thing I ever want to do.

Speaker 1 Me and him are on the road together all the time. We'll hit that hotel gym.

Speaker 1 It's just like, what are we even fucking doing here?

Speaker 1 We got more exercise in the elevator. Like on the way to the hotel gym.
Isn't it weird that he's just out in the world right now, like existing?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like he just wakes up every day and is like, I'm going to be this guy again. Yeah.
Wait, did Ian kill that podcast that we did?

Speaker 1 He buried the episode of being Ian. Did he? Because the kid was welcome? I haven't seen it released.
I think he should. I think it was incredibly bad.
That must be in the Patriot. I have no idea.

Speaker 1 That was the one he called a dystopian nightmare. Oh, damn.
Well, because we're seeing the whole time. It's some broadskin baby.
Don't do that.

Speaker 1 And you're like, your baby doesn't speak English yet, dude. That's one of the best Ian quotes of all time.
A dystopian nightmare.

Speaker 1 The episode was bad. He texts Adam and he goes, I'm sorry for the dystopian nightmare.

Speaker 1 I guess he heard the words dystopian nightmare. He's like, I'm just going to say this.
He thought it was like a Philip K. Dick novel.
That's the other thing comedians do, is

Speaker 1 they'll all at the same time get hooked on some expression that

Speaker 1 none of them will check.

Speaker 1 They'll just...

Speaker 1 I've made this point before, but there was a while where a bunch of comics kept saying, oh, that's a real Sophie's choice. Oh, yeah, totally, totally.
And then they're just describing

Speaker 1 any decision.

Speaker 1 They're like almond milk or oat milk. That's a real Sophie's choice.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think of the zeitgeist thing that's happening now. Inside baseball was the thing they were all saying for a while.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Matter, matter was the word that would be like, you don't like Louis would always say, like, because you don't matter, or something like that. And people started using that all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just want to matter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's another one? Twice last night I heard people talking about black people in commercials.

Speaker 1 On stage? Yeah. Oh, I've been doing that.
You've been talking about that. Well, about how that was the only impact of George Floyd.

Speaker 1 You said there's more. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is this state farm going? Well, it's like, yeah, it's like we're hiding them from the police. It's like commercials.
Tyrone and Wang are trying to find the right banking solutions for their family.

Speaker 1 Yeah, totally. That's kind of the only thing that's changed.
I know. I was talking to my mom about that.
She was just in town.

Speaker 1 I was talking about how it just changed the lives of a few actors, and that was it. That's all that happened.
But the punchline is, and I'll just burn this bit because it's not very good.

Speaker 1 But the punchline is, and if George saw that, he would have been so happy.

Speaker 1 He probably would have been. He strikes me as the kind of guy that would be pleased by

Speaker 1 a lot of stuff. That would see black people in McDonald's commercial and be like, let's go.
I'm sure the first time George Floyd saw a big mouth Billy Bass, he was like, this is great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He seems like a guy that would be wowed by that. After he died, I went on X videos, and his porn was like, oh, right, I forgot.

Speaker 1 It was all over the front page, and it's like, rest in power, George Floyd.

Speaker 1 say his name George Floyd yeah

Speaker 1 yeah a lot of free advertising

Speaker 1 pornhub got like free

Speaker 1 so funny to fuck a dude and be like say his name and they're like what say who your name no say george you know there was a guy at the like at the marketing team at fucking pornhub when their numbers were going up after the george floyd thing that was like guys we got to use this We got to figure out a way to

Speaker 1 let people know we have the George Floyd pornography. Well, I don't want to say that.
And And they're like, Eric, no. Wait, I'm sorry.
Is there actually George Floyd?

Speaker 1 No, there is not. Like, during the interview part of the beginning, they're like, what's your name? And he's like, Floyd the landlord.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because that was a thing conservatives who go after him for Sean Hanney was like, and he's a slut. He died of fentanyl and he's a whore.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but he did,

Speaker 1 if I remember correctly, have a difficult time maintaining an erection.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's all that fucking fentanyl in his system?

Speaker 1 It was all that. Maybe he should have put his dick in a chokehold.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Put a little triangle lock on his cock.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 something.

Speaker 1 Maybe if Derek had been there to help out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hey, Derek, Neil on this.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 How do you think he's doing in jail? Derek? Oh, he's DeBella DeBald. I just, yeah, imagine just a room with him and Subway Jared playing settlers of Catan,

Speaker 1 trying to keep to themselves. Shaveen is wearing a hoop dress.

Speaker 1 He looks like a little bo peep.

Speaker 1 And his boyfriend is the head of the Muslim Brotherhood. Have you guys been to jail? No.
Oh, God, I really don't want to.

Speaker 1 Just think about that. Sounds terrible.
There's still time. It's weird to think about that, that you could just go to jail.
You don't want to go. I've been to jail, and I was.
How long?

Speaker 1 Like three years. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Like 36 hours. Oh, I thought you were about to say months.
I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. 36 hours? That's so long.
Yeah, I was thinking about how

Speaker 1 when you have to call to get out, but the phone tells the person you're calling.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is a call from Blank Correctional Facility. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's cool when guys do freestyles on mixtapes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Leave that in.

Speaker 1 But I was thinking about how fucked up that is. Like, it's not a right to a call.

Speaker 1 You're not giving me a normal phone. I'm narced on immediately by a robot.
You know what I mean? Wait, you want to lie to the person and be like, yo, I'm just chilling.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be able to do it. I would like the person to be able to do this.
You're saving this publisher's clearinghouse. Yeah,

Speaker 1 please save me. Please save me right now.

Speaker 1 I would fucking cry. I would be crying the entire time.
I would be such a bitch. I did cry.
As soon as my mom picked up the phone, she was laughing hysterically, and I was crying. Also, like,

Speaker 1 imagine getting six months. That would be so long.

Speaker 1 To be in jail.

Speaker 1 And that's a light. I had a friend that would go to jail all the time for long stretches, like 18 months.
Yeah. And he would get out and then play like catch up on like culture.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so, like, you know, it would just be like just way too late. He'd be like, have you seen Dan in real life?

Speaker 1 You remember what Jamel was saying about his friend? No.

Speaker 1 His friend got out of jail. And at the bottom of like porn videos, it's like, share this on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Speaker 1 And so he'd be like sharing porn at like 11 a.m. on a Tuesday on Facebook.
Right, because he didn't know how to use Facebook. He didn't know what it was for.
And Jamel's like, you can't be doing that.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 it's very funny. Hampton told me a funny story.
He has a retarded French-Canadian cousin

Speaker 1 who got on Facebook and was just posting pornography.

Speaker 1 Oh, her boob is so good.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And they're like, Claude Pierre, no, you can't do that.

Speaker 1 He's retarded

Speaker 1 and French. And they left it up.
They just took one of my videos down for white trash. Porn? Post-porn? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're on pornhub? No, on Facebook. Oh, Facebook.
It's all owned by the same people. Oh, white trash as a slur?

Speaker 1 I called somebody white trash, but I also said I was white trash. You can't say that anyway.
Can I really? Yeah, you can't. They took it down.
White trash? They didn't even, like,

Speaker 1 you know, do the thing where they're like, this is a little bad. They took it fully off the internet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's wild now how, I mean, I'm not going to get into, like, a censorship censorship thing but you really just they've really just turned the internet into china it's crazy well we were on tick tock and then it's like you're like oh you can't say on tick tock because it's china we and now instagram it does the same i mean you have to like bleep out swear words and stuff if you post videos it's crazy

Speaker 1 yeah i mean it's it's at a certain point like when the smoke clears

Speaker 1 If it does ever, like in 10 years, when people look back, the absurdity of not being able to go online and say like, I don't think the vaccines work.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's crispy you just can't say that they what's really weird is they left up my video where i cat call hasidic jews literally harassing yeah everyone hates that's not funny they didn't take it down it's so it might not be funny but it is it is so funny very funny it's so funny and they left up the they left that got reported by a million hasids but then the one the white trash one took went down in minutes that weird during the early days when nick was living in chinatown you did one of the funniest things i've ever seen

Speaker 1 What you cat called like an old Chinese man who's like wearing the pajamas and you were like, god damn, oh fuck this shit.

Speaker 1 I love the Chinatown. I like it when they're dressed up as the recycling bags that they're picking through.
That's my favorite. Yeah, those guys.

Speaker 1 I miss living in Chinatown because, yeah,

Speaker 1 some of them are real fun. Yeah.
Some of those guys are just like making, they're like, fuck it, I'm still in China, dude. Yeah.
I'm going to just act Chinese.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, most of them. Winnie the Pooh backpack and booty shorts,

Speaker 1 63 years old. It's crazy when you hear some of them speak and they have full-on New York accent.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, there is that China, there is that blend accent. Some of them have a Chinese New York accent.

Speaker 1 So they're like, yeah, who wants to go to the fucking restaurant later?

Speaker 1 Totally, totally. The guys that run

Speaker 1 the Chinatown Marshall. Maybe we'll go play Mahjong under the fucking

Speaker 1 clean though. They always have like jade gold necklaces.
Those guys. Those guys are fucking awesome.
Like the Wigger Chinese guys. They're the best.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The natural.

Speaker 1 Big-ass aviators and fishing vests. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's fire. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love those guys. So, Jordan, you just recently started fucking Chinese guys.
You want to talk about that?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get better at interviewing. I don't want the public to know about that.
So if we could, you know. We can cut that.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 I've never fucked a Chinese man. I've also never, I don't think I've ever had sex with a black man.
Really? I don't think I have. Not even that guy in Rhode Island? The one that was smelling you?

Speaker 1 The one who's slamming you on a table?

Speaker 1 Maybe I have. I think that guy sounds like a real Don Juan DeMarco.

Speaker 1 I should. I probably should, just so that I.
No, you shouldn't fuck that vagrant. That's true.
No, no, no, no, no. But, you know, I should branch out a little bit.
I only fuck people who look like me.

Speaker 1 They're related to me, yeah.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Yeah.
I'm also into incest porn. Maybe that's why you're into

Speaker 1 Ian now because like you said, you led with, he's like a broken

Speaker 1 guy. So it's probably just that.
Yeah, but there's this disheveled aspect of the thing. Or Mike Roland, my roommate, we look very similar.
I haven't fucked him, but I will. You will?

Speaker 1 It'll happen. Wow.

Speaker 1 We'll send the girl over to let him know.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? You're going to get stuck under a table? Somebody... Oh, Jeff Asmus said he turned on his hinge off so it could was only black women.
I thought that was interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can specify race. Isn't that crazy? That seems weird.
I know it's weird. Especially because the dating apps are the most like fucking, like, you know, I don't hate on that.

Speaker 1 What? I mean, specifying race. Preference is preference.
I wonder if it's. So many people spend their whole lives not knowing what they want.
If you figured it out.

Speaker 1 Roberts and Niro knows exactly what it is. going to be.
I bet it's gay, though. I bet it's like you can't make it so it's white only.
You know what I mean? I bet it's like you can only have it be.

Speaker 1 But you can't. If you're a white man, you set it to Asian only.

Speaker 1 That's almost as bad as yeah, I guess so. It's almost worse.
I think you can. If you're like an only Asian women, white guy, that's like I'm going to look and see if you can do it.
Let me see

Speaker 1 to set it to Asian guys?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to try and set it to Asian guys only. Anytime I see an Asian guy, your phone just starts overheating.
White girl cuffs. Just

Speaker 1 All right, let's see. Settings.
Adrian. Ethnicity.
Holy shit. Wow.
I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 You can set it to Southeast Asian. Pacific Islander, Middle East.
They got to make India. They got to make Sean.
South has got to be its own goddamn continent. I'm tired of this fucking,

Speaker 1 this like, oh,

Speaker 1 what do you mean?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Oh, that we're Asian.

Speaker 1 We're also Asian. It's like

Speaker 1 the continent shit. Who cares? Continents don't have culture.
It's just a lot of people. Also, that continent is way too big.
Yeah. Yeah.
Siberia, that's too much. Yeah, it's a product.

Speaker 1 Siberia is too much. It's a product of Eurocentrism that your Indians are considered Asian to begin with.
Right. It's like, oh, it's just the British.

Speaker 1 Well, it's lunchtime. I don't think we're going to be...

Speaker 1 I don't think we need to do anymore today.

Speaker 1 You got the

Speaker 1 heart of darkness. Africa.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you have Asia.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I'm doing Australian. It's late.
Because I think I started off doing Australian's more fun. I'm such a

Speaker 1 copy. You can do it.
I'm such a copy that I did Australian.

Speaker 1 As a comedian,

Speaker 1 everyone can do a British accent, but if you're trying to be funny, Australian comes out because it's like, you're like, what's a stupid version of like a British accent?

Speaker 1 I was just talking. I had an audience member in the front row just now.

Speaker 1 Who's Australian? And every question I asked him, he'd go, not bad? Every time I became

Speaker 1 violent with rage, what are are you doing here in New York? Not bad.

Speaker 1 Not bad. Not bad, in it.
It's crazy. I think I become rageful around Australians.
I just find them to be, yeah, they're like... They are disgusting.

Speaker 1 They don't have any, they don't contribute anything.

Speaker 1 My parents almost moved there instead of America. Yeah, an Australian accent makes you sound, I just assume you're an idiot if you have an Australian accent.
Where is if you have a British accent,

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, this guy's probably an author. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's probably William Shakespeare. My old roommate, Joe, he played rugby, and he had all these rugby friends.
And one of his friends was this British guy. And I hung out with him.

Speaker 1 I mean, we were drinking or whatever. But I hung out with him like a handful of times.
And it took until like the fifth time. I'm like.
You have to realize he's retarded.

Speaker 1 This guy's like a mental fucking invalid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, totally. He's like beyond.

Speaker 1 You know, I was like, what'd you do today? He's like, oh,

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 What, today, you mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Column is Irish, and

Speaker 1 anytime he says a word that's like more than one syllable, I'm like, good job, big boy.

Speaker 1 I think I've showed people, there's a clip of him doing stand-up from like 15 years ago or something, a long time ago. And he like had to learn the English language.
Yeah. He just

Speaker 1 doesn't, like, if you go look at older shit, he's just unintelligible. Yeah, but it's not like he's saying words.
It's like even in Iraq, even in

Speaker 1 whatever, Gaelic.

Speaker 1 No, it's just like,

Speaker 1 and then it'll be like, Oh, he speaks Trangillas,

Speaker 1 yeah, he does. Yeah, that's part of the problem, too, is he's learning English from people from Philadelphia.
Yeah, yeah, he's learning Philly.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's one joke where he uses the word velocity, and the entire

Speaker 1 audience erupts just because they're like, holy, we never could get

Speaker 1 the velocity, velocity,

Speaker 1 like that. Velocity.

Speaker 1 No, you're still Australian. Velocity, mate.

Speaker 1 Velocity. Not bad.

Speaker 1 Not bad as soon as. We were laughing about a British moron.

Speaker 1 That might be your finest work, man.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Your characterization was also so good. What do you mean? You're like a Guy Ritchie character.
Well, because if you think about it...

Speaker 1 That's when you know a British guy's about to say the dumbest fucking shit in the world.

Speaker 1 If you think about it, Riri.

Speaker 1 If you think about it, Riri.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 We.

Speaker 1 I'm British, I'm Chinese, and I'm from the low east side of New York City.

Speaker 1 I think about, you know, what we're doing here. We're sitting around playing Mahjong under Laundromat all day long.

Speaker 1 We might as well be back in fucking China.

Speaker 1 You think they ever think that? You think that. You think they do? In it.
Innit?

Speaker 1 I got my...

Speaker 1 Did you hear about this George Floyd fella?

Speaker 1 He was nicking quiz at the drugstore. The copper scot him.

Speaker 1 Why do we have no British people here? Why do we only have Australians everywhere?

Speaker 1 What, in New York City? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it was because of the Visa program, because they support us in Iraq. Real quick, I'll just say the words, myBookie.
MyBookie.ag, if you want to bet on shit. And then we'll come back to it.

Speaker 1 Go to mybookie.ag, promo code ComeTown or ComeTown28.

Speaker 1 There was a British comedian named Tom something who was a nice guy when I moved here and I don't know if he's around anymore, but I remember he had a joke that made me laugh.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if he ever did it more than once. I just saw him do it in an open mic, but he's like...

Speaker 1 He's like talking about his complaining about his wife

Speaker 1 being like, my body's saying that I have to have a baby. He's like, well, why are you listening to your fucking body? He's like, my body's telling me to fuck a 14-year-old.
Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 That is good. But it's, I mean, it's never, that will never do well with an audience.
Yeah, that's blue.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm going to make comedians laugh, but looking at a grown man saying he wants to fuck a 14-year-old on stage is. It's a bitch.
No, you can, it can be done. It can be done.

Speaker 1 Remember when Louis did the whole.

Speaker 1 Maybe Louis did it, but not British Tom. Did the whole what? Used his power? Did the whole SNL thing about like, obviously fucking kids is better, but we don't do it.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's like, oh, yeah, he did it for the monologue, right? It was really good. It was very, maybe his finest work.
Well, he took a gamble like you can at mybookie.

Speaker 1 Gee, guys, we got a big sports season. NFL season is back.
The NBA is coming back. You can go there.
You can bet. You don't have to download an app.
It's all online. You can use Bitcoin.

Speaker 1 They have casino table games. You can bet on races.

Speaker 1 You can bet on

Speaker 1 Indian.

Speaker 1 You know football and you pick winners all the time, so why not get paid for them at my bookie? Bet single game spreads, money lines, or parlay multiple. Do you do sports betting? No.

Speaker 1 Do these words mean anything to you? No. Single game spreads, money lines, or parlay multiple together to do that.
Parlay is a combination of different bets

Speaker 1 to increase the odds. So if you get all of the bets,

Speaker 1 I know what a spread is, but what's a money?

Speaker 1 What's a money line? Money line is just to pick the winner outright. Oh, okay.
Yeah. So that's the simplest one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Interesting. But you get the lowest odds for that.
Well, they got low contest entry fees and over half a million to be won. Make it so you don't have to be a pro gambler to have fun.

Speaker 1 I tried to bet on a baseball game in Boston recently. You couldn't do it.
Is it illegal?

Speaker 1 I think you just have to do it. No, they have gambling there now.

Speaker 1 In Boston. They have a win now in Boston.
I went with Caleb when I was there in February.

Speaker 1 It was a baseball game. Awful sport.
Horrible sport. Sport to watch.
Oh, my God. It's nice to go to.
It's the sportiest thing I've ever seen. Really? It's nice to go to.

Speaker 1 Fun hang, but

Speaker 1 that's what makes it fun. You're outside and you drink beer.
I mean, you wouldn't go to a baseball game by yourself and sit there with your fingers.

Speaker 1 I saw people doing that.

Speaker 1 Those men have a mental disorder. I think they do.
They're writing things down in a book.

Speaker 1 They're keeping scores. Yeah, what is that?

Speaker 1 Remember, we went to that Yankees game? Yeah, the autistic black guy. There was this autistic black guy on the bus back.

Speaker 1 We saw an autistic black guy, and the guy who opens for me goes,

Speaker 1 that's employable man. That's the most employable man that's ever listened to.
I was watching Orioles wearing an O shirt and this guy's like,

Speaker 1 the Orioles. June 1st through 3rd.

Speaker 1 They're not playing the Orioles until

Speaker 1 Orioles until June 1st through the 3rd. He had like seven backpacks.
And watching, like, Stop doesn't, Stop doesn't have patience for regular people, but watching him try to interact with this fucking

Speaker 1 being like, that's okay. Okay, buddy.
That was a fun day.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Phil got us those tickets through Sony.
Anyway, guys, mybookie.ag

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Speaker 1 That'll have to do. I'm too tired to enjoy it.
How long have you guys been here? Been here today? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was on the phone with my accountant all morning, and so I got here around noon.

Speaker 1 Have you recorded a bunch of episodes? No. No, I've just been doing like this shit and then slowly putting this all up, but I got

Speaker 1 just that pipe. What's that pipe for? Hanging lighting.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, lighting is all the,

Speaker 1 I mean, we have to get like

Speaker 1 lighting guys in the DP in here, but they have like a specific way. All like this lighting equipment and shit.
It was invented by like illiterate people a hundred years ago.

Speaker 1 So like these stands and stuff, that was all, you know, just some guy that came up with it. But that's the equipment that everything uses.

Speaker 1 So, you know, there's this strut channel up there. And the strut, you can do cool stuff with strut channel.
Like, you can put little trolleys in there and move stuff around.

Speaker 1 And you can clamp whatever to strut channel. Oh, yeah.
I've hung these for light fixtures in art galleries. Yeah, but they

Speaker 1 click them in and pull them out. For film production, they need that pipe.
So that gets clamped to the camera. Dude, we went to the tonight show.
We went to whatever.

Speaker 1 What is it? 30 Rock?

Speaker 1 No, it's actually Adam Freeland Show. The Adam Freeland.
I know it looks a lot like.

Speaker 1 Their ceiling was packed. Every single square inch had a different light on it.
Like a different... It's going to be like that here.
It was chaos. It was really cool, but it was enough.

Speaker 1 One of our buddies stood up and cheered for Mike and busted his head hard on one of the lights. That's what I want to do.
That's what I want to do. I'm going to roll into my roommate.

Speaker 1 I want to get just a little bit. He got it?

Speaker 1 He deserved it or no?

Speaker 1 He crushed? He did great, but it's so weird going into those places because it's like... Because Fallon's drunk? Yeah, for sure.
I mean, he literally came up to me and went, nice to see you again.

Speaker 1 And I was like, no way, buddy. Damn, nice.
That's alcoholism. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he felt way more kindred than anybody. Everybody else there was like a bizarre.
People with dementia do that. My grandma does that.
I see her. I'm like, hey, she's like, yeah, sure.
Sure.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. My grandma was an absolute cruel, mean woman.
And then she got Alzheimer's and she became so nice. It was incredible.
Yeah, that's true. She'd just be like, have you eaten?

Speaker 1 You look incredible. That's all I want.
She was like, it's great to see you. My grandma's been like drunk forever.

Speaker 1 So, like, you know, like, I think somebody normal will get Alzheimer's and they're like, I used to run a business and now I have a diaper. And they're furious.

Speaker 1 It's like, did you see that movie, The Father? Uh-uh. I actually hated it.
Was that Anthony Hopkins? The Anthony Hopkins movie. I didn't watch it.

Speaker 1 I thought it was like, I mean, I guess it is probably an accurate portrayal of like bad Alzheimer's, but it's just like kind of a heartless movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It'd be like watching a movie called like The Burn Victim. Oh, yeah.
Somebody's just like,

Speaker 1 what's that?

Speaker 1 For like two hours. What's that documentary about that country music guy who's like starting Alzheimer's? Glenn Glenn Campbell? Glenn Campbell.
Yeah, it's sad.

Speaker 1 And it like follows him around as he's getting.

Speaker 1 It's as he's getting dementia, but what's crazy is he's like, he doesn't, you know, he's like introducing his daughter on stage and he can't remember her fucking name. And then

Speaker 1 they put a guitar in his hands and he's just gone.

Speaker 1 crushed like that's still there don't you guys have that though with people now i'll have that where somebody i know so well walk up to me and i'm like surely your name isn't you know i don't know anyone caterpillar i don't know did you live in nashville yeah i see they told me that when i didn't realize you lived there

Speaker 1 for a year it's the worst place i've ever been dude it sucked actually it's portland's worse i decided really worse east nashville is where i lived which is like where all the musicians and it's like the hipster part which is fun but if you go anywhere near the city, it's the same possibility.

Speaker 1 I went down

Speaker 1 to Deado's pub? That Broadway, it was like walking through, like, it was like I had been in, it was like probably what Ground Zero was like in 9-11.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like just walking around, there's just fucking like, you know, the emotional equivalent of ashes filled with chemicals. Did you see the bombing site? No, I didn't go there.

Speaker 1 There was a, I walked past it with a racine,

Speaker 1 but the bombing happened right outside of a dick's last resort restaurant, which is very funny.

Speaker 1 i'm walking down the street i'm standing next to a souvenir shop and like a shitty barbecue restaurant and then one of a million like live ass fucking music you know yeah just like mustang sally blaring at it you know or whatever bullshit and this guy with a fucking backpack on i'm waiting across the street and he comes up and he's like here we go again and i'm like i guess and he's like Yeah, the party never stops.

Speaker 1 Just fucking stop. Just stop.

Speaker 1 God, imagining you there is so good i wish i was there yeah no i i don't know if i said it on the show but the

Speaker 1 again it's an hour after that you know they got those like pedal trolleys yes i know the pedal trolleys with the fat girls on them there was a crew of fat women in front of me with the dumb you know looney tunes cowboy clothes on yeah they're walking down the street the pedal trolley goes by and it's just fat boomers on the pedal trolley and the these women they're just wooing at everything

Speaker 1 you know just fucking me and so they woo at at the pedal, woo, the pedal trolley.

Speaker 1 And this fucking, this like 50-year-old guy in gas station sunglasses and like the, you know, the goatee, 90s goatee, looks over. He's like, we from Florida.
We know how to do this shit.

Speaker 1 And then there's maybe this brief moment in his face where it's like, am I just like humiliating myself?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but there, no, it's fine because you're in Nashville.

Speaker 1 Yeah, everyone's this fucking embarrassing. It's crazy.
I mean, I moved from there. I mean,

Speaker 1 the comedy scene is like too small, but also it's like

Speaker 1 it has all my best friends in that place.

Speaker 1 It was hard to move, but it got to a point where it was like anytime we went out, it was like we were going to some honky-tonk thing where all the women would dress up as prairie wives and all the men would become maladies and like slick their hair back with like whatever that shit is called.

Speaker 1 Dapper Dan, you know what I mean? Palmmade. Yeah.
And it was so gay. It was so cringe every time we left.
our neighborhood that I was like, I don't know how you guys are all.

Speaker 1 And people would come up and be like, can I have this dance? And you're like, how are we? The Civil War is over?

Speaker 1 What are we doing here? No, no, that's how you treat a woman, but then it's also too

Speaker 1 nice, Jordan, Jordan. Come on, you're a soft

Speaker 1 handsome R voice.

Speaker 1 Jordan, they're just being

Speaker 1 no, it's brutal. They're just trying to find love in the world.
They'll love bandanas. How'd they get the most worn bandana ever? Where do you get those?

Speaker 1 There's no like, like, like through line with the culture there. Because they're like, you know, they're like, ma'am,

Speaker 1 I hope you're having a nice afternoon. And then they're standing in front of like a Patagonia.
Yeah, they're an app developer who's fucking wearing suspenders.

Speaker 1 When I was there, they said post-COVID, it just got flooded with L.A., Chicago, and New York people.

Speaker 1 That's what

Speaker 1 I'm saying. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Those aren't L.A., Chicago, and New York people because L.A., Chicago, and New York people live in L.A., Chicago, or New York. No, people that work remotely and don't want to pay state tax.

Speaker 1 Then those people suck. They're people that leave here because they're like, New York is...
Doo-doo-ass.

Speaker 1 New York doesn't have enough souvenir shops and fucking you know dumb clothes for me to put on isn't jack jack white i was about to say the worst part of nashville is jack white i will i he listens to his podcast you you

Speaker 1 that my friend that you met the other day jack white

Speaker 1 no not jack white harry i feel but he and all my buddies have worked for jack white and it's like he is like the cringiest what are you talking about

Speaker 1 have you heard seven nation or is badass listen i loved white stretch before i moved there oh one time i worked at a taco shop and he came up to the window and we were like, we're closed, sorry.

Speaker 1 And he just stood in front of the window. I mean, just like waiting.
And one of us had to go out and be like, I mean, we really can't. We're not going to like fire up

Speaker 1 the ovens. And he like stormed off.
He's, he's, he, and he also is like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, has a monopoly on so much shit in Nashville that it's, it's so strange. And didn't he, like, shit all over Detroit, but then, like, went back?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but didn't he move and he was like, fuck Detroit. And then he, like, went back and like, I wouldn't bend it.
if I was from Detroit, I would never turn my back.

Speaker 1 Detroit's a cool city. I wouldn't turn my back.
Yeah, just because you turn your back, you probably get a bad one. And I'm finally, I'm finally.

Speaker 1 I'm finally a Chicago guy.

Speaker 1 I'm no way. Whoa.
I'm away. Whoa.

Speaker 1 I've been a bunch, but like the last time I went, I was.

Speaker 1 Really? You don't mind musical comedy and people just the cat in the hat stepping on stage and being like, here's my

Speaker 1 political joke. I didn't see any of that, so maybe it it was.
It was just fat New York.

Speaker 1 It's just New York for fat people. That would be good, but I guess it's just bitch right now.
I would love it to be fat New York. That's ideal.
I would love that.

Speaker 1 But this is like, I feel like Chicago has the gayest comedy I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 1 They used to have good comics.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was like a huge scene. Totally.
But

Speaker 1 the alt doesn't have, it should be segregated how it is. In New York, it's very segregated.
You can see it at Union Hall. I don't.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know the guys that would like, I just know fucking Kyle and Dan, the guys at Lincoln Lodge. Wait, so you're talking about segregation and comedy.

Speaker 1 So you don't think black people and white people should be doing shows together? I've been saying this since the 80s.

Speaker 1 They run the light. They run the light.
But they're doing well.

Speaker 1 There almost is segregation. They're crushing harder than you.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 There is like a...

Speaker 1 No, but I do think the alt comedy thing in Chicago where you can have all these like traditional stand-ups and then all of a sudden somebody comes up with a guitar, and it's just

Speaker 1 awful. Honestly, I'm a big comedy music apologist.
Are you really? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's funny. Yeah, you're like a

Speaker 1 if you write a funny song, it's funny. Also, is there even that much musical comedy anymore? I feel like like 10-15 years ago, that shit was fucking everywhere.

Speaker 1 When I was a kid, I liked Stephen Stephen.

Speaker 1 What just happened?

Speaker 1 What did you just do? I have indigestion on someone. He's like, I really like Stephen

Speaker 1 Lynch.

Speaker 1 I haven't been back to Chicago for a while. Maybe I should go.
I also was roofing there when I lived there. I was there for three months and I was in.

Speaker 1 Roofing. I was roofing.
No, I just had, I had a couple days where I just fucking, I just went for very little walks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I went for a run there, and I remember being like, I'm on the beach. Now I'm in the residential.
Now I'm in the city. I wanted to walk to the bar from Thief.

Speaker 1 The bar that he owns where he takes phone calls. Cool, yeah.
And then I couldn't, my phone died, so I couldn't make it that far.

Speaker 1 I can't stop thinking about the guy at the bar that you were talking about the other night with the sports thing. It's so funny.

Speaker 1 He was like, did you see that? And he was like, yeah, totally.

Speaker 1 What? What guy?

Speaker 1 I don't even know if I should say it on the show, but me and Steven, like. Oh, yeah, you told me.
Yeah, yeah, by chance,

Speaker 1 you know, meet

Speaker 1 whatever.

Speaker 1 It's just the idea of a person just like a liar, just like a self, just like, yeah, I just. His explanation made sense, but it was just, it was so funny in the moment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we, like, I told Stephen to meet me at, we were like going to go hang out. So I told him to meet me at Peter McManus

Speaker 1 on 7th Avenue because it's over here. And Stephen thought I said Peter McAnis and that I was just making fun of Irish bars in general.
That's funny. So it's like 20 minutes go by.

Speaker 1 I'm like, are you coming or not? He's like, to where? And I was like, Peter McManus. He's like, oh, I thought you said Peter McAnis.

Speaker 1 No, that's a Steve. No, that's a Steven.
So we meet there. Where he's late, and he's like doing a bit too many times.
We meet there, and I don't, like, it.

Speaker 1 It's like a somebody on the Broncos or the Seahawks is named McManus, yeah, Brendan McManus, the kicker. Yes, and so Stephen sees that, and he's like, Do you see that, dude?

Speaker 1 And then he looks over at this guy next to us. He's like, Did you see that? This guy's by himself, drinking, and he's like, Yes, totally.

Speaker 1 And then Stephen's like, What did it? What's his name? And he's like,

Speaker 1 I didn't catch it,

Speaker 1 dude. He is

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 that's an insane thing to lie. He is the absolute best guy to go to a bar with.
Yeah. Ever.
Ever.

Speaker 1 That day

Speaker 1 where we went to international bar in the middle of the day and we met that fucking union plumber and that cop,

Speaker 1 Stephen was just like fucking on peak form.

Speaker 1 He's incredible. I love that guy.
Have you met Steven?

Speaker 1 Our friend Steven? He's our best friend. Yeah.
He's a good dude. He looks like Sean Penn.
He looks exactly like Sean Penn. And also the guy from

Speaker 1 what do you call it? That rush?

Speaker 1 Getty Lee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he looks like Getty Lee and Sean Penn mixed.

Speaker 1 An ugly guy and a hot guy. Bring him in here.

Speaker 1 Does he edit for you guys? Yeah, he does.

Speaker 1 He does a thing where he thinks of a bit and then he says it 20 times. And the bit is always like, let me ask you something.
What if I started sucking guys' dicks? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like, what do you mean? know i mean it really if i downloaded the the grinder app yeah and i started having gay sex yeah man so i've been thinking about downloading grinder

Speaker 1 if i did that would that be weird let me run this by you i'm sucking a dick i already did it

Speaker 1 he's so funny but can i take it back when we were editing that that episode of this show there was a there was a black guy on it and he kept turning to me and being like adam is it just me or does he sound exactly like a black

Speaker 1 that's good and he just said it 15 times I was like we have to keep editing dude I get it I get it let's keep going yeah no he he'll say things that are funny and he'll just be like annoying like he'll do something that's just like kind of annoying and you don't think it's funny at the moment and then you'll think about it later and you're like that's the funny

Speaker 1 I forget what it was but we went to I went to like

Speaker 1 you know, just a bar

Speaker 1 and Stephen had been there for hours.

Speaker 1 He got off work. He loves drinking.
He just gets drunk. He's drunk all the time.

Speaker 1 So I go to the bar and he's there. And I walk up to him and he does this, like, oh, I forget.
I wish I could remember. But he just like has this, like, slack, you know, like affect.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, give me some, brother.

Speaker 1 Like, does this, like, thing, like, this, the most annoying, like, fucking trying to be cool, you know, like, boomer that thinks he's black sort of thing.

Speaker 1 And then Adam walks up maybe, like, 30 seconds later, and Stephen's like, watch this, watch this.

Speaker 1 he goes up to Adam and does it the exact same way he's like

Speaker 1 give me some

Speaker 1 I've said this on the and I was like what are you doing and then the next day I just couldn't stop laughing about it yeah watch this watch this and then and then limp man forgot what the line was though and he was too drunk to remember I can't remember what it was but it was something like give me some brother yeah and it was just which is something that you wouldn't remark on yeah if you walked in but he he knows what he's doing.

Speaker 1 He's like, yeah, just the idea of like a late 30s white guy.

Speaker 1 38. 38-year-old white guy drunk, like thinking he's a cool black guy.
So he's the best. He was my neighbor in Bedstar.

Speaker 1 And literally, like, he was like mayor of the block. Like, literally, every, like, everyone, like, that stood outside drinking would be like, oh, here comes Steven.
Yeah. Oh, there he is.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's Steven. Where are you at, Stephen? And we'd be like dapping people up and pointing at them.
And

Speaker 1 like, really good to see it. To a guy with like gold teeth.

Speaker 1 We were like outside one day, and some guy pushing a baby stroller, wearing a mask outside, comes up, and he's like, excuse me, are you an actor?

Speaker 1 And Stephen's like, I've acted in some stuff. And he's like, I actually just watched a short with you last night.
And then we realized it was like, it was a fucking super bad. It was

Speaker 1 Michael Sarah. It was Michael Sarah.
Oh. And then,

Speaker 1 and he was like, Yeah, I thought you were really funny in it. And then he like left.
It's funny as David to do this, like demeaning impression of Michael Sarah. It's not demeaning.

Speaker 1 He has a high-potential. Oh, Michael Sarah is the one who was saying this.
Yeah, Michael Sarah said, it's like LeBron is like, Are you a basketball player?

Speaker 1 Real quick, I should mention Blue Chew and we'll get back to it. He gets your dick card.
Jordan likes it. One guys take it.
I don't like it. That's too much.
She likes it. No, no, no.
It's too sharp.

Speaker 1 It's too sharp, too pokey.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bluechew.com, promo code come town. You don't have to go to the doctor and tell a doctor that your dick doesn't work.

Speaker 1 You did that or Nick? Me. Yeah, that's a guy thing.
Yeah. A girl wouldn't do that.
I can do it. Anyway, so like,

Speaker 1 Sarah,

Speaker 1 Michael Sarah walks off, and then like

Speaker 1 there's this lady on his blog. I forgot Dina, or I forgot her name.
And she has like this pin on her jacket, blacks for Trump.

Speaker 1 And he's like, yo, you're not going to believe this, but like Michael Sarah just like asked me if I'm an actor, and she's like, I don't know who daddy is. And he's like, Do you know Scott Pilgrim?

Speaker 1 Oh my god! And she's like, Oh, my boyfriend loves him.

Speaker 1 Holy shit!

Speaker 1 He sounds like he should do stand-up if he's running bad bits over and over. No, he's not, he's too funny.
He's more, yeah, he's more fun.

Speaker 1 He's a guy that's like a funny guy to hang out with. Yeah, stand-up would make him less funny.
Yeah, exactly. Stand-up comedy is, for the most part, not.

Speaker 1 It's like bridging the gap between guys like that and then just fucking retards. I bet he'd be good at it if you keep burying a there's no reason to be good at it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, there is no reason to be good at it. You know what I mean? It's fun to do that on stage where you just keep pushing it.

Speaker 1 I went with an audience and I just kept trying to convince them my name was Scam Likely for the whole thing. And I wouldn't, they didn't like it at all.

Speaker 1 And I just kept being like, I've been trying to get a hold of you guys for a really long time. Scam Likely is like probably the name of like half the men in Nashville.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

Speaker 1 How are you doing?

Speaker 1 My name's Scam.

Speaker 1 My name's Scam. Likely.
You did that at the world famous comedy seller?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You did? Yeah, I did.
Do you know who books it?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Can I send a tape or? Yeah, yeah, send a tape to me and I'll send it over.
I would love to go there, have a bite of the pizza, not finish it, put it in garbage. Bluechew.com is.

Speaker 1 Adam, why don't you talk about it for a second?

Speaker 1 It's a place where guys, not me, but guys that have erectile dysfunction can order medication to make their penises hard.

Speaker 1 But they don't call it erectile dysfunction anymore. That's for boomers who take Viagra.
What do they say? If you're a millennial, or potentially, the Zoomers might even be on dick pills now.

Speaker 1 They are. What's coming after Zoomers? They are.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Fucking babies.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend's brother is 25.

Speaker 1 and he hit me up and was like, do you have any chews? And I was like, what? You're 20. Do you even have fucking pubes, dude? Why are you taking blue chews? No, I don't.
You're 25 years old.

Speaker 1 You know what it is?

Speaker 1 I'm the guy next to you. You know what I think it is? I don't want to be too 5G truther.
It's these damn cell phones in your pocket. No, it's neuroses.
No, it microwaves your jumps.

Speaker 1 No, I think it's, yeah, it's just.

Speaker 1 I don't think people used to fuck as much as people do now. No, I don't people have all that.
That's not true. People have stopped fucking.
I don't know. No, it's true.
I know.

Speaker 1 I think they would just do it, make it count when they did it. I've taken Bluetooth and it's like, I guess I need this, but then it's also like, do I even want to fuck right now?

Speaker 1 And it's like, no, not really. No, in particular.
No, people are less horny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's why we have these mass shooters these days. Oh, maybe it's the SSRIs.
They don't feel like they're part of a community. They're not going out to get pussied.
Bluetooth.com, though.

Speaker 1 If you do like sex, you'll love Bluetooth.com. That's their classic line.

Speaker 1 They got Tadalafil,

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 1 sildenophil,

Speaker 1 vardenophil. They added vardenophil.

Speaker 1 That's levitra. Levitra.
Yeah. And Staxon.

Speaker 1 Hard time taking pills. Up to 40% of Americans agree.
I guess maybe they have another option. Nope, this is like C to N I H.

Speaker 1 This just tells you how to take pills. Oh, no, it's because Bluetooth is chewable.

Speaker 1 It's a candy. It's a candy.
They taste like Smarties.

Speaker 1 100% U.S. licensed medicine.
It's kind of a blueberry flavor. Prescription consultation, professional ED-focused medical support, no waiting rooms, no appointments.

Speaker 1 30-slash-45 milligrams, sodenophil, 6 or 9 milligrams, Tadolophil or 8 milligrams Vardenophil, chewable tablets.

Speaker 1 They got three plans, the active, the busy, the popular, and the pro.

Speaker 1 I have the pro plan. The active one is six times a month, busy is ten times a month, popular is 17 times a month, and pro is 34 times a month.
So that's more than the days

Speaker 1 in the month. And you can get 45 milligrams.

Speaker 1 You think the guys who came quick are also the guys who can't get hard? Huh?

Speaker 1 Guys who used to come quick, you think they now can't get hard?

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's related.

Speaker 1 I think maybe the can't get hard guys last longer, no?

Speaker 1 Well, the getting hard really fast. It just seems like the guys that I used to fuck who would come really quick are the same type of guys that I fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The troves of men that I fuck can't get hard.
Yeah. It's the same, they're Jewish.
It's mostly Jewish. What do you mean? They can't get hard?

Speaker 1 The ones who would come quick can't get hard. Yeah, there's like

Speaker 1 people might want to mine that talk on this show. There's a little, there's a little neuroses.

Speaker 1 First of all, we are disgusting, horny, lascivious monsters. Yes, this is true.
That actually is also true. We don't have.
The fact that Harvey Weinstein's genitals were burned off.

Speaker 1 Not only trying to get pussy, but raping. Yeah.
I mean, that's like...

Speaker 1 You got to be spiritual. His genitals were burned off? Yeah, he would eat puss.
He'd be like, come to my hotel.

Speaker 1 What happened to his genitals? He got some kind of. Stephen explained it to me, actually.
He was getting too many experimental shots and stuff.

Speaker 1 He graduated to

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 injectable Viagra or whatever. Wow.
And it melted his dick off. He got some infection that, yeah, it's a type of gangrene you can get.
That'll.

Speaker 1 I wonder if that's what the whole thing was behind Planet Terror, where, you know what I mean? Where

Speaker 1 Bruce Willis's dick melts off the zombie? I've never seen it. I don't like scary movies.
Oh, that's a great, great movie. What is that movie called Die Not So Hard? And I see

Speaker 1 that. Very good.
Nice brother. And Retire.

Speaker 1 So, so, Jordan, you recently started fucking Chinese Met. I did, yes.
Yeah, we, all right, well, let's get into it. Mainland China or Chinese? I'm mainlining Chinese.

Speaker 1 And where do you stand on the

Speaker 1 Hong Kong issue? The Long Dong issue? I'm in on it.

Speaker 1 Nice, bro.

Speaker 1 Classic. She's a real pro.
That's right. Hong Kong.
Yeah. What's going on in Hong Kong now? Yeah, what is going on in Hong Kong? What's going in? Well, who's burning these hijibs? What's going on?

Speaker 1 Iran?

Speaker 1 They're burning browns.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 The women are burning them in protest? You guys don't know anything about this? All I know this week is the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. No, I don't follow the girl news.

Speaker 1 And the, yeah, I only read economic news. Yeah.
I don't either. My mom was talking about, me and my mom record a podcast today.
She accidentally said the N-word for something.

Speaker 1 Well, there's some word that has it in it that means like needling.

Speaker 1 I forget what the word was niggardly well that means cheap no no yeah niggardly is like stingy yeah yeah stingy no but there was a politician who got in trouble for there was a professor that got in trouble for saying it I remember it was like 50 it was before the world was it wasn't cheap it was meddling it was like niggling yeah maybe I think it was that and then and we like paused we're like what did you say and she went I think I just said the n-word yeah

Speaker 1 your mom's funny yeah she's very funny yeah yeah all the stuff I know about her is very funny well every word is like some guy just said it at one point, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, some guy was like, Yeah, I got this fucking niggling thing in my knee, yeah, yeah. And somebody was like, Oh, is that a word? And he's like, Yeah,

Speaker 1 and he's like, Did you were you just mean like the end word?

Speaker 1 He's like, No, it's different, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's like and he's got like a cousin at the dictionary, and he's like, Bro, I need one, I need a solid, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I got fucked up at work.

Speaker 1 The next edition, hey, cousin Webster, I need some help here.

Speaker 1 Reneg, I thought that was it, was one of them, but it's not. That's renegotiate.
Oh, I never thought that. No, no, there's another word

Speaker 1 like it.

Speaker 1 Somebody's screaming jigger when I was on stage the other night. Why? Well, I was in Florida, and these people were 150,000 years old, and they were shithoused.

Speaker 1 At one point, I said to that guy, I was like, What's going on with you, dude? I was like, What? Did they let Biden in here?

Speaker 1 And the crowd erupted in a way that like shocked me because of how dead they had been. Yeah,

Speaker 1 In New York? Fuck him! Fuck him for being the same as me, basically. In Key West.
In New York. Oh, Key West.
Yeah. That's so sick.
What's it like down there?

Speaker 1 A great place, the worst audiences, but great. Really? Yeah, yeah.
Rules. Jimmy Buffett vibes.
Tommy Buffett. It's like you want to kill yourself, and there's an iguana

Speaker 1 also hanging himself on the sea. That's what it's like.
That's what they say in Key West. You want to kill yourself or just wait five minutes? Yeah.
We're pretty close to death down here.

Speaker 1 Adam, are you going to be a Florida guy? I want to move to Miami so bad. Do you? Yeah.
I love it. I'm never going to leave this.
It's my favorite city in America by far. Miami.
Really? Yeah. Why?

Speaker 1 It's great. What about it? I like

Speaker 1 that it's built, it's a Catholic and Jewish city,

Speaker 1 much like Montreal. Yeah, that sounds great.

Speaker 1 I'm sold.

Speaker 1 If I'm planning a vacation, okay, that shouldn't have been the first fact. That shouldn't have been the first fact.

Speaker 1 What do I like about this place? Well, it's Catholic and Jewish.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with that?

Speaker 1 It's just a bizarre.

Speaker 1 It is. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 Jordan, are you Catholic? No. You're not? Uh-uh.
You might be my only non-Catholic or Jewish friend. Really? Yeah.
No. And it's not on purpose.
We weren't allowed to have Christmas trees. You're that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I am.
No, but like your fam, like you're like the old...

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're Catholic.
They're Italian, yeah, of course. Why is your family not allowed to have Christmas trees? Because they were like militant.

Speaker 1 My dad was like a hippie and my mom was a little bit of a. But that doesn't mean you're not Cath.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, you're right. Okay, so what I'm saying is, and it's not on purpose, all the people I'm friends with are either Catholic or Jewish.
As opposed to what? Lutheran? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Proper, proper American. Yeah, like the Anglo-Saxon Protestants.
Proper American. Yeah.
Yeah. Mormons.
I mean, most of this country is

Speaker 1 Protestant.

Speaker 1 I grew up with a ton of Mormons. Did you really? Yeah.
I keep laughing at myself about a joke I tried where my mom wanted to be Mormon.

Speaker 1 She wanted to be Amish, really, and I think it's because she was. Her racist legislation.
She wanted multiple wives, so she was like, more man, more like more woman.

Speaker 1 No, that's funny. Thank you.
What is it with their commitment to having the worst facial hair in the world? Mormons? No, the Amish. Oh.
They just don't shave. Do you know zippers?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they just go the full. You could have a, if they had the mustache, it wouldn't be that weird.
But they're patchy. they're basically British people.
No, German. They're Dutch, yeah.

Speaker 1 They're German. Yeah, Dutch.
German. Pennsylvania Dutch.
I've never seen it. Yeah, Dutch and German.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, you have. Yeah.
The British love technology. They would never do something like the Amish.
Yeah. We're anglophiles and Zionists on the show.

Speaker 1 The British will never reach equilibrium with the world around them. The British? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? Well, you wouldn't have a community of British people that are like, oh, we're good. We're not going to, you know, take up any more resources.

Speaker 1 Those are our cousins, man. What do you mean? The British.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll lay off them. Sorry.
Yeah. Give them a break.
I will. I'll give the British a break.
They've had a hard year. I know.
I miss her. She was beautiful.

Speaker 1 And this other guy's going to die?

Speaker 1 Probably immediately. Oh, no.
And then who becomes king? Harry? No,

Speaker 1 the other one, William. William.
But I'm all in on Charles, dude. Let's go, Chuck, Les Go.
No, I don't care.

Speaker 1 My dad is like low-key royalist. I don't understand the royalists.
I don't understand what it is. Well, he was like born.
When he was born,

Speaker 1 we run out of TV shows.

Speaker 1 When he was born, I think it was still part of the British Empire in South Africa. It is cool that England has a king again, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank God.

Speaker 1 Well, we had

Speaker 1 national nightmares over. Well, no, it's you know,

Speaker 1 all of this progressive stuff tracks when you get like the

Speaker 1 head of state

Speaker 1 in the country that basically their culture was exported to the rest of the world. They might not be a superpower anymore, but now that they have a king,

Speaker 1 everything has a cultural basis. It's so funny that maybe

Speaker 1 now

Speaker 1 things become more reactionary, more

Speaker 1 traditional. Women aren't allowed to work on it.
The boys are back in town. Literally, yeah.
That might happen. Let's go, Charles.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, it's so funny that those those guys on that shitty island, those pasty, like weird guys literally owned everything. It is.
They owned the entire world.

Speaker 1 But a lot of the stuff they owned was mostly empty.

Speaker 1 India? Well, Australia. That's like the most people.

Speaker 1 Australia.

Speaker 1 They owned the entire world. But how did they take

Speaker 1 boats? No, but they didn't. Did India have they master and commandered it?

Speaker 1 Well, that was after the Napoleonic Wars, and then they didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 Weren't they just sick at boats?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, it was kind of the British Navy that I get from watching from the first 30 seconds of Master and Commander. So fire, dude? Yeah.
Who crossed the Rubicon? Was that Napoleon?

Speaker 1 No, that's Hannibal. Cheap.
Cheap. Oh, maybe Hannibal.
Was that right? I don't even know. No, no, Caesar? And then what happened? Caesar did that.
And then what's important?

Speaker 1 Me too. I've tried to put it in the middle of the moment.
But being with a woman makes me feel really smart. Yeah.
You probably don't know shit. Just the fact that I'm here.
You don't know.

Speaker 1 Just the proximity. You're just in bed with a Chinese guy, like, fingering his chest, being like, so tell me about math.

Speaker 1 Like, well, you got one or two. Oh, fingering his chest just made me want to faint.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You're fingering his chest.

Speaker 1 And then they got this other shit called long division.

Speaker 1 You draw a little L shape, you put a big number on the inf, you fuck with the smaller one. Yeah, it's pretty complicated, but to me, it's like fucking.

Speaker 1 You're going into Cholo. You're going into China.
They taught, they got a similar. That's the East Coast Cholo, New York Chinese guys.
That's so good.

Speaker 1 Keep doing it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Pretty nice weather we have lately, huh?

Speaker 1 Pretty cool weather. It's finally fall in New York City.

Speaker 1 Okay. When fall comes around, you know what I'm ready for?

Speaker 1 Wearing the same bubble vest I've been wearing all fucking year long and playing mahjong under the laundromat. They also love fishing stuff.
They love like tackle vests. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How do you have the like Chinese like

Speaker 1 twang in the back? How do you keep that? Because I lived with those. I lived with those guys.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 Nick was thinking about converting for a while. Yeah, they all dress like they all dress like John Malkovich in Empire of the Sun.

Speaker 1 That's their look.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh my God.
You have the like Chinese going up and down.

Speaker 1 What is Ty? Yeah,

Speaker 1 my number one guy is John Malkovich.

Speaker 1 You know, see, that's a good fucking movie.

Speaker 1 Dude, I just watched Rush Hour again. Rush Hour is a great.
Incredible guy. And Christian Bale.
Christian Bale, a little boy in that movie. Incredible.

Speaker 1 Christian Bale's in that movie? Yeah, it's him as like a he's he's like 12 or 30. He's handsome.
Really? He's a handsome child.

Speaker 1 Yeah, why can't all movies just be rush hour? Just two guys in different races trying to figure something out. When he's like, Chinese people always keep their cool.

Speaker 1 And Chris Turger's like, I've seen you all during Godzilla. Y'all be tripping.
What is this? That's John Malhovich and Empire of the Sun. That's how it does Chinese.
Oh, no, that's like Korean.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. Korean is like,

Speaker 1 has like an 80s synth thing. I like the Korean guys.
Sometimes they just hang out together smoking cigarettes. They're awesome.
They love bogies. They love busting six.
Yeah. They're so good.

Speaker 1 In my college, like outside the library, it was just 24 hours a day Korean dudes smoking sigs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's always some neon light behind them or something, some like fog machine near them with like a cool scooter. They always look really cool.

Speaker 1 You know what the best thing that ever came out of

Speaker 1 the old podcast? You know, like I said, I got a lot of advice.

Speaker 1 What's that? But there was a movie I saw one time as a kid that had one scene in it. And I'd never been able to find the movie again.
But it was like seared into my memory.

Speaker 1 It's like a South African movie and a kid gets

Speaker 1 put in some kind of camp and then he gets pissed on or whatever by other people.

Speaker 1 Adam Freeland movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fucking me up as a kid. And then I was like, I couldn't remember the movie.

Speaker 1 Somebody found it and sent it to me. Really? The power of one.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. That was about like racism, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. The best thing that came out of the old podcast for me, during COVID, I I went home because my mom was dying.

Speaker 1 And I would do, we did video podcasts, and I would do in my dad's office, there was a picture of his father's older brother who died in the Second World War. Like his military photo.

Speaker 1 And Nick's like, who's that fucking gay,

Speaker 1 you know, whatever. And I was like, that's probably the only hero that's ever been in my family tree.
But he was like shot down by the Nazis over Crete.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 some guy looked up his records. Like, it was all family legend, and we didn't really know what the story was.

Speaker 1 Some guy that was listening to the pod looked up his records, and like, for the first time, my dad's entire life, my dad was named after him. It's my father's

Speaker 1 namesake, Max Friedland. But we saw where he was stationed, we saw when he was shot down.

Speaker 1 Don't condone this. Why? It was nice.
It's lovely. Oh, my God.
That's like a lovely thing for my entire family. My dad was like, he was like, isn't that incredible? He's like, Adams, Adams podcast.

Speaker 1 Like, literally. Phones ringing, and somebody's like, hey, faggot.
Hey, you're gay, dude. You're gay.
Your son's gay. Your son's family.

Speaker 1 Hello, you're fagged. You're even gayer than your gay son.
No, I don't like that. I mean, that's great, but I hate somebody was like, is your father Jack Jensen? And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh, so he died at this time, on this day, in this way. And it was just like a fancy shit.
Is that the acoustic shoe black? The acoustic guitar guy, Jack Jensen? no Jack

Speaker 1 Jack Johnson Jack Johnson yeah yeah yeah sorry

Speaker 1 my dad is Dave Matthews that's cool oh I can see that yeah I really love Dave Matthews oh your dad has a British accent my dad's from South Africa

Speaker 1 oh he is South African

Speaker 1 code switches does he really when he's like wants people to take him seriously he does like a fake posh British accent and it literally Like is like nails on a chalkboard. It drives me insane.
Really?

Speaker 1 He's like, my good sir. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 It completely changes his accent. I'm like, you're at the bank right now.
You don't have to be doing this right now. From

Speaker 1 South Africa, he thinks that people in America. What's going to happen at the bank? They're like, here's some more money.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't realize you were British. But that's not him code switching.
Code switching is like switching your voice. I mean, that's

Speaker 1 literally

Speaker 1 a lot of people. He has a fake posh accent that he affects sometimes.
And

Speaker 1 he was doing it at my birthday party. Do you remember? No.
I like heard him like start popping off in his,

Speaker 1 you know, Etonian British thing, and I was like, I hate this so much. And all my friends are like,

Speaker 1 you're the fucking man, dude. He was like getting wasted with all the stuff.
Yeah, that's the worst when your dad becomes like a caricature.

Speaker 1 We had a party where my dad got way too high, and people were just like, Your dad rules. And I'm like, he's having a panic attack.

Speaker 1 No, it was actually like that night was like one of the most lovely nights. Yeah, it's good.
All my friends were being so nice to him. That's cool.

Speaker 1 What if somebody's going to be mean to a senior citizen? No one in this country understands him. And

Speaker 1 it was like the first time I saw people just being like, you're the man. And it was like, it broke my heart to even think about it.
I had to like, he came to the to the club.

Speaker 1 He came to the bar after I like set up a hang at the apartment. And then I was like, we'll go to the bar later.
You'll go back to the hotel.

Speaker 1 And he came through the bar and he was like, drink it with the boys. Just grabbing hands.

Speaker 1 That's great. It was a beautiful story.
Yeah, it was really lovely. Did he code switch the whole time or did he drop it?

Speaker 1 The late Jack Knight also said, suck my dick to him, which was very funny.

Speaker 1 And my dad started laughing.

Speaker 1 I was like, that's good. That's good.
That's quite good.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about the Jack Knight thing and how everybody was getting mad because people were making these posts and they were like, he wasn't even friends with him.

Speaker 1 He wasn't even friends with him. And I was like, that is the

Speaker 1 most evidence that I have that human beings are inherently evil. The fact that people post things and we're like, that's my fucking corpse.
That's my dead guy. You know what I mean? I love that.

Speaker 1 I did the same thing. Someone dies and people post their last text messages with them.
Oh, yeah. Brandon Warden did that with Mac Miller.
He was like, he's like, Love you dog.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's touching, I guess. I did that with Anthony Bourdain.
I posted, we never communicated, but he followed me. I followed you on Twitter, yeah.
And so I posted that.

Speaker 1 I was like, none of you will ever know what this feels like.

Speaker 1 Now he's done following. He'll never follow anyone else again.
So if you weren't in the club?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sorry.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Guess who's never going to be followed by Anthony Bourdain? You. But I was until Twitter deleted my account.
The day, the day he died? Did you wait a day? Huh? Did you wait a day?

Speaker 1 I think I did it immediately. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't care. I was telling you that comic who died where I kept, I didn't know who it was, but I kept saying his name over and over in my house, Ragav.

Speaker 1 I couldn't stop.

Speaker 1 He's got a funny name. I would just, my roommate would walk in and I'd be like, oh, Ragov Meta?

Speaker 1 then they'd be like what and i'd be like i'm hungry and then he died and i was like it i was like did i i did a really i i did a i feel bad but you remember those four comics died of fentanyl in la yeah and then people were like four four comics have died and i was like were they were they they weren't that popping like they were and then i was like oh god i'm like a i'm an asshole who did you say that to my parents so that to me they were like i heard four of your friends die.

Speaker 1 You didn't regret it enough not to repeat it. Not to say it on the show.
Thinking that it would pop here.

Speaker 1 Can you cut that? Can you please cut that? Sure. It's the Adam Freeload Show.
What's the timestamp? Yeah. 108.
Sure. No, come on, Nick.
Hey, no problem.

Speaker 1 All right, I'll say it again. They were not popping enough to have news stories.
I mean, you're not wrong. Look,

Speaker 1 here's my role.

Speaker 1 I say, Adam's completely right. They weren't popping.
Fuck them. I'm I'm glad they're dead.
Yeah. Now I've provided cover for them.
Thank you. Nice.
Good job. I didn't edit anything.

Speaker 1 No, I think people already hate me. I said it to my girlfriend's parents, and I felt terrible afterwards.

Speaker 1 They just go quiet. They didn't say anything.
Yeah, that's a horrible thing to say to those to Big Naturals' parents. Yeah.
Her parents didn't like me. They did like you.

Speaker 1 No, you said they were worried about me. They were worried about you.
I don't know why. Well, because it was post-COVID.
You were like, oh, yeah, I'm like, you had muscles. You had a fucking mass.

Speaker 1 You had muscles and like

Speaker 1 a 22-inch waist and a fucking beard, like a ZZ top beard.

Speaker 1 And you're like, you're describing all the reasons to not be worried about me. And then you were like, yeah, I don't fucking wear a mask.
And they were like, they're like libraries.

Speaker 1 They're like Lib New York parents where they're like, oh, he's like, your friend is interesting. Yeah, I was like, I was just trying to fuck around with them.

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, I don't think this shit's real anyways. Dude, there's a guy wearing a mask at this show at Friends and Lovers I was just at.
And I was like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 He He was like, What are you doing?

Speaker 1 And I was like, What do you mean? He's like, I'm wearing one because nobody else is. And I was like, Forever.

Speaker 1 Somebody needs to pull the mask people aside, and you're like, You know, this is going to be remembered how racism. No, I did it at Funny Moms.

Speaker 1 You're basically a guy in 1957 being like, Get on your side of the diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it's over. I did it at Funny Moms, and it backfired so bad.
What did you do with Funny Moms?

Speaker 1 Some guy was wearing like an N95 in the front row. I was like, I was like, You're at the racism podcast live comedy show wearing an N95 in the front row.
And he was like, I'm immunocompromised.

Speaker 1 And he was like, no, he was like, my mom is, is dying of cancer right now.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 sorry.

Speaker 1 Well, you should have been like, oh,

Speaker 1 she's already dead. Yeah, my mom already died of brain cancer.
Yeah. And she was beautiful.
Did you say that? Did you throw it back at him? Yeah. Yeah, you got to do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, stop bragging about it. This guy didn't have an excuse.
He was just like, I'm not getting into this with you right now.

Speaker 1 While I was on stage, I was like, all right, right, you don't have to. I'm going to get into it and just laid into him.

Speaker 1 I mean, some people have just made it there. I feel bad about saying that about the dead people.
I honestly, I kind of feel like bad for them because it's like,

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess I'm certain some people are immunocompromised and they need the mask or whatever. But if you're just like a regular guy.
I mean, there's no way you haven't gotten COVID already.

Speaker 1 And you know, it's just. He said he hadn't gotten it, and that's why he's still wearing the mask.
Well, maybe then. That's pussy.

Speaker 1 And also, everyone who's died from it is a coward. Regardless, yeah, regardless regardless of like what side

Speaker 1 about COVID or lockdowns or any of the shit. It's like everybody had to deal with it for two years.
You were subjected to the reaction to COVID. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, either you were locked inside worried about the virus or you're locked inside thinking your rights were being taken away or whatever it is. Nick went full prison.

Speaker 1 You were doing hands-on push-ups. Yeah.
You converted to Islam. We all went full prison.
During the COVID, oh my God, I was in the park every day jump roping. No, I ignored it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got a jump rope? I got a jump roping. Jump roping is the best.

Speaker 1 Did you do the cross? Yeah, I learned the cross. It's awesome.
Once you learn how to do skips and lacrosse, and you don't look like a fucking dumbass jump roper. Yeah, it took a while.

Speaker 1 Is it good for your core? It's good for everything. Yeah, it's good for everything.
How do I fit core posture? You stand up straight.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. People with shitty posture would be like, I think I need to go to a chiropractor.
It's like, no, you're just lazy. Yeah.
You're just not standing up straight.

Speaker 1 You need like a stronger stomach. No, you need, and you get that by standing up straight.

Speaker 1 Every Every time you look at your phone, you have to hold it up so that you're because if you do this, I put a thing on my phone that says upstraight that reminds me of this.

Speaker 1 I always hold my phone up. I do this thing.
I always say, oh, it's a text. It's a text from John Hill.

Speaker 1 It's actually very important.

Speaker 1 You don't even face it. It's actually a face.
Yeah, it's actually a Hollywood celebrity. It's Michael Sarah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 To help my posture, every night for like two hours, I'll fasten a noose to

Speaker 1 the ceiling and then I'll every day I let a little bit more weight off the stool in an effort to strengthen my neck.

Speaker 1 In the event that I'm ever captured and they try to execute me by hanging, I'll have developed the neck strength that

Speaker 1 it'll have no effect. A lynching.
So I'll play dead until the posse leaves and then cut myself loose. Yeah.
And then, you know,

Speaker 1 go off to rape in another town out here in the Wild West.

Speaker 1 You'd have to be tightening your neck, so you'd just be hanging there like this. I think he's dead.
That's good. That would be pretty cool.
Yeah, to be able to train yourself to do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To whim Hoff. To whim and also Hoff.
I love Wim Hoff.

Speaker 1 Wim Hoff is all such bullshit. It's like so obvious.
He's a grifter. Yeah.
I mean, cold showers are nice. Like, you do get like a.

Speaker 1 You're into it. Yeah.
I mean, I am a cold shower guy, but like the breathing shit, you just like create like.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You just get yourself high off like the way a child would. You're You're playing the knockout game,

Speaker 1 the choking game or whatever. And then there's all these people that have died doing it because they'll like hyperventilate in the bathtub and then pass out and fucking drown.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 but then you watch his videos and it's like, man, this guy just loves life. Honestly, he's not a grifter.

Speaker 1 No, he's like a self-help guy. Yeah, but he's a self-help guy.
He's like selling shit. Sure.
Well, he's not selling shit. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he does like seminars where people do his stupid haka dance. I guess, but is that so much worse than stand-up comedy? No, it's much better.
Yeah, you make people feel better. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I like him.
We love it in our house. We walk in and we're like, are you wim or are you hoff? Are you women also hoff? Were we women hoff? Would you fuck wim hoff? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll fuck anything. Have you met me? You'll fuck anything? Yeah.
Really? Except for Asians and black people, yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? I thought you recently sorted

Speaker 1 fucking Asian people. I don't fuck anybody.
You know who has really good posture? Like gay guys under 40. That's because they always have a look of shock like this.
So their head's always back.

Speaker 1 They always have incredible posture.

Speaker 1 Gay guys, like old gay guys, always have like my kind of posture. That's like the best.
That's like, you ever see old black women on the train and their eyebrows are always up in a look of just shock.

Speaker 1 So no matter what happens,

Speaker 1 they already have their face like,

Speaker 1 that's some bullshit. You know what I'm talking about? Like this? Up?

Speaker 1 I have stared at women on the train and I'm like, what? What are you possibly so appalled at already?

Speaker 1 And then something happens and they're already up and I'm like, you're just prepared.

Speaker 1 But gay men are like that too. They just always have this look of like,

Speaker 1 what are you, you know what I mean? Like a, it's like a, like they're already offended. The positive, you know what always, what I didn't understand is when,

Speaker 1 and it's gone now, it doesn't exist anymore. When people had the wired Apple headphones.

Speaker 1 Remember the ones? Like the AirPods with the wire. Yeah, two days ago, yeah.
Yeah, a couple years ago. Yeah.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Every gay guy would take phone calls on those fucking iPad or iPods or whatever the fucking, the earbuds, and they would, they would, with one hand hold them, hold the microphone part. Yes.

Speaker 1 And with the other hand, their gait would change, and the other hand would start swinging wildly.

Speaker 1 And they all did it. Every single one of them.

Speaker 1 So we're meeting Eric at lunch at three, and they all had the same exact, they would all hold it the same way.

Speaker 1 And it's like, there's got to be, it's like, that's where I get into like this is a this is all just a horror simulation yeah yeah there's too many just well i was on the train and i saw three people one homeless basically homeless like all different types of people all reading

Speaker 1 sci-fi novels

Speaker 1 and i was like this is crazy i haven't seen a book on the train in years dude yeah i there's all that doesn't sound not only that night it was crazy the rest of you were this close to that sounds just

Speaker 1 it wasn't even on the whole train it was my side of the train it was three dudes the rest of that story with steven at the bar like i mean you know the rest of the story right?

Speaker 1 All the other coincidence, who that guy turned out to be, then the other guy we talked to afterwards, and like,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't know. It was like, we have a group chat.
That's me, Adam and Steven, and some other guys. And

Speaker 1 our friend Alex asked, like, what music do I ask for going on stage? You know, because I was going to Nashville. And I never, you know, I just let the DJ pick.

Speaker 1 And then I just was like, maybe I'll go out. Maybe I'll do Mexican radio.
Do you know that song? I love that song. I was just listening to it when I pulled up here.
Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's right here. Well, this is what I'm talking about.
I don't like this show. Because I said, maybe I'll do Mexican radio.

Speaker 1 And I have not heard that song on the radio or anywhere other than me just choosing to listen to it myself throughout my life here and there. Wait, is this the same one? By Wall of Voodoo? Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I literally was just, I listened to it a lot. Walla.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's right there.

Speaker 1 Anyways. I said that, and like, you know, I haven't heard it.
And then on the lift back to the airport, it's just on the fucking radio. And it's like a record.

Speaker 1 And I asked the lift driver, I'm like, is this just terrestrial radio he's like yeah it's like bob fm or something and i sent it to steve and he's like yeah i haven't heard that song in 25 years but then again i'm not listening to the radio maybe maybe fucking mexican radio is on the radio constantly

Speaker 1 i don't think so yeah the cab driver you didn't know the song yeah i've shown it to people because i really like it and nobody knows what it is the album's great it come come on everybody at your show that there's like a trance yeah i don't know if it's trance electronic music that i went to go see in montreal and i always start listening to it around a time where i'm like oh Oh, trance music.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I heard you said there was a trance. No, we know about that.
We know about her, yeah. Yeah, and I think she fucked my friend.
Really? Really? What was the man? It was a man. Nice.
Ian?

Speaker 1 No, but a man very similar to Ian, actually. Interesting.
This is what I mean about coincidences.

Speaker 1 If I described Ian,

Speaker 1 you would never be like, oh, there's got to be two guys like that. No, but my buddy Peter, very similar, actually.
And I think he fucked that lady. Interesting.

Speaker 1 She's gotten nicer to me over the years. Anyway, we just played.
She was great. I love

Speaker 1 She used to be cold to me, but. Yeah.
Well, you know, it's a shit job. Yeah.
Probably.

Speaker 1 Especially bartending for art fans. I had an altercation with that same person.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I haven't been back since. Yeah.
Honestly. She's a bitch.
That was fucking wild, dude. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just insane. She was hiding in a corner, and I walked in and she goes, excuse me, can I see your ID? And I was like, you were literally stuffed into a corner, like basically hiding under a coat.

Speaker 1 Look, you became a security person because you're fucking like insecure about being this little like fucking just like pug of a lesbian. No one, no, no.

Speaker 1 So no, you're never gonna, you know, like, you're never gonna like, like, nobody's gonna be like, oh, I'm afraid of this person. You know what I mean? A lady security guard for the audience

Speaker 1 tried to check Nick's ID and he's like, I'm here all the time. No, that's not what happened.

Speaker 1 Again, I didn't see her. I didn't think they had a fucking door person.

Speaker 1 So I went in. She's not by the door.
She's not by the door. She hides.
And then so I went in the showroom. She comes out and she's hitting me.

Speaker 1 And I turn around. I'm like, she pushed me.
Yeah, I was like, what's up? And she's like, she's like, didn't you hear me calling you?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, no, maybe you should be like, I didn't say this, but it's like, literally, no, I didn't hear you. So you're bad at your job.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I didn't realize that a door person. I'm sorry.
But yeah, I'm like, I run the show. I'm like here all the time.
And then she's like, well, you got to pay more, better time.

Speaker 1 I'm like, okay, I'm sorry. And then I turn around and I like, we get ready to do the show.
And then like five seconds after that, she hits me again, even harder.

Speaker 1 She's like, did you hear what I just said? and i'm like

Speaker 1 i'm like okay well what like what needs to happen here do you need me to see my id and i like pull my id out she's like okay first of all you need to calm down because like you know you don't want me to get angry because then we're gonna have a problem i'm like and then what's the problem gonna be you're gonna kick me out what do you want to do and then she's like yeah get out i was like okay and then i fucking just walked and i told the i don't know the the guy that did take like the box office guy i was like yeah well they're bouncing me so i'm leaving i got a taxi driver i get i get into a taxi the other day at the airport, and he's like, where are you going?

Speaker 1 And I was like, you should just hand me your phone now because you're not going to know where it is. And he was like, where is it? And I was like, it's Flatbush.
And he was like, where is that?

Speaker 1 And I was like, it's Brooklyn. And he was like, what street? And I was like, rugby.
And he was like, where is that? And I was like, dude, give me your phone. And I put it in.

Speaker 1 And then I fall asleep in the cab. And I wake up to him smacking the back of the seat, like just hitting it.
And I was like, what, dude?

Speaker 1 And he was like, We have to take, it's telling me now to take this exit. And it was telling me to take this exit.
And I was like, I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 i'm not a fucking taxi driver and he's like i know you're not a taxi driver but it's telling me to take this exit and i got so mad i was like i didn't move my house and then you

Speaker 1 no i didn't that guy not that one got away yeah but i have been i have been like openly being like a woman at the movie theater the other day was like those are our seats and she was half an hour late and i was like hey you came in here half an hour late you can sit in our seats yeah and she was like oh okay and my friends were like what's wrong with you and i was like i have what do you want me to do you're a new yorker now you have to i remember lewis getting it.

Speaker 1 I wish I could remember what movie it was. It was so absurd, but he got into a fight with somebody at

Speaker 1 the, what is it, like the AMC in Kipps Bay or something? Lewis? Yeah, and it was like, I forget, it was so funny because the movie, it was like so not worth it, whatever the movie was.

Speaker 1 And it was bullshit, too. He's like, this bitch and her girlfriend are like, yeah, this bitch and her girlfriend are like laughing or something.

Speaker 1 He's like

Speaker 1 mad for some Lewis reason.

Speaker 1 I wish I had

Speaker 1 a little coffee table book of things Lewis has gotten mad at and caused a problem over. The best of all of them was when he fucking he called up

Speaker 1 no, not quitting Equinox is pretty fucking funny. That's not funny.

Speaker 1 But the very best is when he called up, there was a Build-A-Bear that was in

Speaker 1 fucking like Palisades Mall or something. And he went there to take James there to go get a bear or something.
And it was closed. It was out of business.

Speaker 1 So he calls up a different Build-A-Bear to yell at them about the other one being fucking close. And it's like,

Speaker 1 there's nothing they can do about it. They're just employees of like a fucking Build-A-Bear.
Yeah, the guy that wants to be able to do that. Yeah, pointless.
And then he'll

Speaker 1 overlay these stories as if it's like, you know, you're being like, yeah, you did the right thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you can't do the pointless. You have to say it so that it'll change their life.
I know there's a lot of people mad at me. They're like, well, that's what you did with the security guard.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't there. Yeah, you did.
And I said, if you want to kick me out, you can. And I left.
I did a fake apology.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I said he's really sorry. Yeah, that's the other thing, too.
They had the venue asked me. They were like, it would really mean a lot to us.

Speaker 1 That doesn't make any sense. I don't understand.
It's a hired security guard.

Speaker 1 I don't understand that. I think maybe they had other problems with the security company, and that's why that lady's there.

Speaker 1 No, I think she was asked not to come back. Well, she's there, obviously.
She's there. That's what I was there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Screaming at me. Freaking out.

Speaker 1 It's after midnight right now. Oh, Oh my God.
I have an early flight. I have to go.
I have to fly to LA tomorrow. Oh, yeah.
We're good on time here. So we'll just.
We had fun. Yeah.
Yeah, we have fun.

Speaker 1 Good night. Good night, folks.