Ep. 308 – Worth the Damn Wait

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Speaker 1 all right it's uh

Speaker 1 april 20th 420

Speaker 1 tomorrow no no today is today 420 of the episode

Speaker 1 today is 420

Speaker 1 Boston. Laugh Boston, May 5th through 7th.
I will be there. Go to the Laugh Boston website or go to any of the various various social media things I have and check.

Speaker 1 There should be the link should be in my bio. But much, much more importantly, I'll be at Providence next week, the 28th through the 30th.
Then I'm in the at the DC Improv, the 12th through the 15th.

Speaker 1 Then I'm in San Diego. Then I'm in Philadelphia, June 16th through the 18th.
Come suck these little fucking titties. I also have

Speaker 1 a pantheon at some point.

Speaker 1 And I'll probably be back in the city doing regular shows, probably working on the U Hour in New York coming up through the summer. But go to those fucking shows, you little fucker.

Speaker 1 Subscribe to my YouTube.

Speaker 1 The special is coming out in May.

Speaker 1 I keep pushing it back. I swear it's coming out.
It's so close to being done. My dick is getting really hard.
And then finally,

Speaker 1 my fucking strange friends, Robbie and Alan, are making a movie. I'm going to play a fat scumbag in it.
It's another stretch for me. Wow.
And they're crowdfunding shit.

Speaker 1 So if you like weird motherfuckers from the internet making weird fucked-up movies that I'm get to be in, go give them a shot. Jamel's in it, too.
Jamel's in it as well. Wow.
The whole team.

Speaker 1 Jamel, Stavros, and Lori Beth Denberg. For me, it's the fucking, it's three of the cutest, fattest people you've ever seen in your life.
It's called the bowling balls of leave the alley.

Speaker 1 The bowling balls leave the alley, brother. The bowling balls.
Yep. It's like Toy Story, but it's about bowling balls.

Speaker 1 It's three bowling balls that keep really rolling trying to roll their way home so it's a really interesting avant-garde little movie

Speaker 1 um the subtitle is dance freak the bowling balls leave the alley subtitle dance freak anyway check it out suck me off um

Speaker 1 i'm excited to do that i'm trying to become a hollywood halkeus you know that's the move

Speaker 1 i already became a hollywood mullin I don't have to act in shit. I just got fucking sunglasses.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm noticing you've been wearing sunglasses all day today. Well, I've got the lenses warranted on my regular glasses.

Speaker 1 Only got the prescription shades. Interesting.
I might not even pick up my glasses. Yeah.
I might just leave them there. Be a light ombre glasses type guy.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have to be honest, I feel like you got to be older to pull that off. I am older, bitch.
You're not old enough.

Speaker 1 I'm older than you. Yeah, by a few months.

Speaker 1 You're older than me by what, eight months, nine months?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I've lived more. Not really.
You spent most of your life drunk as shit past out in apartment complexes.

Speaker 1 That's living.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the spice of life. That shit takes years off in your

Speaker 1 fuck was I going to say

Speaker 1 who cares?

Speaker 1 Who fucking cares?

Speaker 1 Adam confused

Speaker 1 the principal for Steve Harvey for some lady that was on Destiny's Child. It was kicked out of Destiny's Child.
Latoya Luckett? Yeah. She was in Destiny's Child? I think so.

Speaker 1 I thought she was an actress. Latoya Left-Eye.

Speaker 1 No, you're thinking of Lisa Left-Eye Lopez. Lisa Left-Eye Landry.

Speaker 1 Who's Lisa Landry?

Speaker 1 I think that's the mom from Sister Sister.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Wasn't that Jack K? Jackay. JK Landry.
JK.

Speaker 1 Jackay still, she's on the internet talking about getting her pussy fucking worked over. She's horny? She's pretty horny on the internet.
That's cool. It is cool.
That's cool.

Speaker 1 I hope somebody fucks Jack K just for the fuck of it. I love it when a woman of a certain age expresses her sexuality proudly.
I do too. And you know what else?

Speaker 1 You know they suck dick like fucking Beethoven. Oh, she's doing the grapefruit trick every day.

Speaker 1 She's a fucking maestro when it comes to mom snopping.

Speaker 1 It's like when you see a retired, it's like when a fucking, you know, like an old guy's got to put on his fucking shirt, his knee pads, he's got to ice up, he's got to whatever. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And And it's like, maybe he's not as mobile as he once was, but the skill is unbelievable. That's Jack K when she sucks dick.
Yeah. She's like, you know, she's like fucking

Speaker 1 Sabonis when he came over from Russia.

Speaker 1 Her knees were blown out, but she was still, could have been the goat. You just think, man, if I had caught her in her prime, were it not for the Soviets' dick-sucking program?

Speaker 1 She could have been the greatest of all time. Blue-throat coat.
So anyway, guys, guys, go ahead and look up Aravita Sabonis, one of the greatest European basketball players ever. My penis.

Speaker 1 Sadly never got to the NBA due to the Soviet Union's not letting him out of his contract. He didn't get to the NBA until much later in his prime.
Yeah. Past his prime.
Lithuanian.

Speaker 1 Anyway, that's Chernobyl. Did you see the Chernobyl show? No, I didn't watch it.

Speaker 1 There's a part where you see a guy's paint. There's a bunch of guys naked.
Why is Steve Harvey? And we're also, by the way, watching the Steve Harvey show right now.

Speaker 1 And it looks like him and Cedric Temptations are doing songs for the mentally retarded.

Speaker 1 They're in a hospital full of people that look insane. Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 they're mentally ill. That's why the guy's got tinfoil and the other one's dressed up like a big baby.
Right. He literally has a tinfoil hat.

Speaker 1 And the bitch is literally dressed like Nurse Ratchet.

Speaker 1 I'm sure the song has something to do with being crazy. What if they don't let them out and now they're crazy forever? Oh, my God.
We're doing Year Island.

Speaker 1 Which episode's called One Flew Over the Cocoa Nest?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's it. That is what it is.
It's called itself.

Speaker 1 Wow. I love finds.
It's fucking good. So, yeah, Cedric and Steve are stuck in

Speaker 1 the loony bin. And we're, by the way, we're watching it.
We're trying to be more professional. So we're watching it without the sound.
So we're just kind of guessing as to what's happening. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. As opposed in the past where we would watch with sound.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 1 you know, that's no longer the case. I believe this is a season.
It's signifying mental illness. One of them guys has tie-dye.

Speaker 1 He has tie-dye socks. Yeah, that's wacky.

Speaker 1 They're trapped there forever now. Is that Jordan Peele? It's scary.
I don't think so. Yeah, with the tinfoil on his head.
I think it's just some random chubby, light-skinned guy from the 90s.

Speaker 1 Jordan Peele would show up. He was on Mad TV, no? Yeah, he was on Mad TV.
At the end,

Speaker 1 there you go. Get in there.

Speaker 1 Can I get a link? No, we've got a half clue if we want anything. Yeah, but it's for a party, so it's like implies sharing.
It's a party. It's in the political sense.
Oh, it's a party mix.

Speaker 1 So just give me like a little handout.

Speaker 1 I don't know, Adam. I brought chips in for breakfast.

Speaker 1 Nick just brought chips in. I'll get chips after that.
You never contribute anything. What are you fucking doing? You just come here and go to the bathroom.
I didn't go to the bathroom here.

Speaker 1 You gaslight people by saying, can I get anybody a coffee? Oh my god. It sounds like someone got in your ear, dude.

Speaker 1 And I think I know who.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not allowed to have my own opinions.

Speaker 1 Are you under the

Speaker 1 impression somebody is trying to turn Nick against you? Yeah, that is true. Yes.
Who is?

Speaker 1 Tell me. A demon.
A rogue agent.

Speaker 1 A rogue agent with the body. There's a rogue agent trying to convince

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 to stop ramping it. I love when the Apple Watch thinks I'm exercising.
But your heart rate is just going up because of all the sodium you've had. Yeah.
Yeah, I just had too much salt.

Speaker 1 They're like, wow, your heart's beating really fast. That's the most annoying part about taking care of yourself.
Is they're like, and watch your salt intake.

Speaker 1 It's like, what, you mean fucking literally everything? Yeah. The only tasty shit.
No, I'm not allowed to have anything anymore. I can't.
You just have to eat chocolate constantly.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's probably all you need to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We just watched the episode of the Steve Harvey show, aka. Of course, the character is is Steve Hightower.
Fuck it!

Speaker 1 That rules! And it did rule, that is true. It did rule.
Where he was dealing with his impending 40th birthday.

Speaker 1 And he went through a midlife crisis. Adam, you recently turned 30.
Fuck it!

Speaker 1 That rule! I have to say that. Adam, you recently turned 37.
How do you feel? I didn't turn 37, but I have to say that watching Mr. Hightower go through that on the show, it wasn't...

Speaker 1 I was like, let's sit down and watch a comedy program.

Speaker 1 You're now entering your like matron years. You're sort of like a matronly, older sort of matron of the arts.
It's sort of like older queen, like an Andrew Cuomo or a Sally Kellerman. Yep.

Speaker 1 I would agree with that.

Speaker 1 Or like a less masculine, friendly bewitch. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I will look like her at a certain point. You wish you were terrible.
You're not as hot as she is. You're like a Gloria.
If we had to pick a new name for you, like the song? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Gloria, you're a bitch. You're dick is more.
You're fucking gay. I think they saw all your penis.
It is more.

Speaker 1 Gloria,

Speaker 1 everybody's on your fucking little ass fucking day. Fucking Donald Trump rules, just blasting that song, watching the Capitol riot.

Speaker 1 Is that what he did? Yeah, that is pretty awesome. Well, he played, they used to play it at the rallies, right?

Speaker 1 He was just standing, he's standing in a tent somewhere watching it on TV, wearing his overcoat, dancing the Gloria. Yeah, doing his

Speaker 1 double jacket.

Speaker 1 Thinking there's about to be a popular uprising installing him king.

Speaker 1 They're going to go over. They're going to kill Pence.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be the king. That is so sick.
He literally.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have a throne.

Speaker 1 Dude, we fucked up. We should have killed it.
That was a heat check. The riot for him was a heat check.

Speaker 1 I'm wondering what's going to happen this summer to try and

Speaker 1 save the Democrats. It's got to be something wild.
No, it's over.

Speaker 1 Another 9-11 type thing? I don't know. It's like

Speaker 1 is there left? Well, the subway shooting got me fired up to vote for the Democrats for sure.

Speaker 1 It got me amped.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's not Jordan Peel. That's just some fucking black guy.
Wow. He doesn't look like Jordan Peel at all, actually.
Sounds a lot like it's.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's Latoya Luckett. Stop, dude.
You don't even... You just saw that name.

Speaker 1 That's a nice name. I'm somebody who watched

Speaker 1 Steve Harbyshaw all the time. I didn't know what the the sexy principal's name was.
No, I didn't either. The actress or the actress.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know anybody's name. Yeah.
I know Cedric the Entertainer. I know Steve.
I know Lori from all that. Well, you know, it's Cedric the Entertainer because he's got a name that's a word.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. If his name was Cedric Douglas, I'd be like, I got no idea who that is.
I don't know. Cedric is pretty good.
Yeah. Or if his name was Sally Kellerman.
No chance I would know his name.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 That's a great point.

Speaker 1 Gloria, show me your fucking boss, you fucking whore. Let me suck on the ball.
Glory, holy. Yeah, what do you think? Glory, holy.

Speaker 1 What do you think is going to, do you think that Biden's even going to run?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It seemed like he was too old the first time.

Speaker 1 It ain't going to be Kamala. That bitch has no swag whatsoever.
Yeah, it won't be Kamala. No, I think people are pressing.

Speaker 1 Why was she the vice president kick? I don't know. She had to drop out before voting even started.

Speaker 1 She ran out of money. Because she hired all the

Speaker 1 people who were in the

Speaker 1 vice president to just clean up the scraps, I guess. Because Because it's like historic to me.
Because no one else wanted to do it. No one else wanted it to do it.

Speaker 1 They wanted that bitch from Georgia, probably. And she was like, I'm going to be president.
Stacey Abu?

Speaker 1 She might run, actually. She had to be on Star Trek.

Speaker 1 She had to be on Star Trek. She might run, actually.
You can see her running. She's on the view, no.
She's on Star Trek. She's literally on Star Trek.
Wait, seriously?

Speaker 1 They put Stacey Abrams on Star Trek as

Speaker 1 the queen of some sort of alien culture that

Speaker 1 eats chocolate.

Speaker 1 That's only sustenance is a Dunkin' large Dunkin' Donuts coffee with half a bottle of creamer and

Speaker 1 cockachino.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Stacey, I see you're holding up the line again.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Gloria, show me your pussy, please. I want to fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm horny just because my dick is momentary. It feels like Joe Biden's been president for like eight years.

Speaker 1 They haven't even had the midterms yet. Damn, really? He just became president.
That's awesome. It feels like he's been around forever.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, they haven't done it. Trump feels a long time ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does. When do you think the economy is just going to completely implode? It's got to be any day now, right? Soon.

Speaker 1 Soon. And then we make our strategic investments.
No,

Speaker 1 they're a guy that got me primed to lose all my money just like everybody else. We buy the Empire State Building.
Yep.

Speaker 1 I'm down.

Speaker 1 When the bubble bot pops. We split it with Lewis.

Speaker 1 We have a Skanks Fest.

Speaker 1 The top of the Empire State Building? Hell yeah. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's going to suck. The economy blown up.
Yeah, when everything collapses, and then there's like a handful of people that get to keep their money. Yeah, that is going to be pretty gay.

Speaker 1 Everyone else is fucked over.

Speaker 1 Well, that's, you know.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, say it. Say whatever smart thing you think you're going to say.
I really don't know anything about that. Oh, well, that's well, that's

Speaker 1 inflation or something. And they keep printing machine go burr and something about

Speaker 1 inflation and the gas. Don't get me started.

Speaker 1 And Stacey Abrams. You know how to make his little bumper stickers? It's got Joe Biden on there, but he's got like bow tie and suspenders.
And it says, Did I do that?

Speaker 1 And he's pointing.

Speaker 1 That's funny. And then it's like Steve Urkel.

Speaker 1 But you know what Steven said, which is very, I don't know why. It's so funny to me, but he says

Speaker 1 he just goes,

Speaker 1 like, he pretends to be stupid. Right.
And so he'll be like, let's go, Joe Biden.

Speaker 1 And I can't explain why it's funny.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking funny. Let's go, Joe Biden.
Let's go, Joe Biden. It's just like

Speaker 1 take that. Like a guy.

Speaker 1 A guy that just doesn't. No, it's not take that branded boys, being like so culturally unaware that you think that you're just chiming in, repeating something you think you heard.

Speaker 1 That's the vibe of Let's Go Joe Biden. Respect, yeah.
It's like

Speaker 1 just it's like, yeah, it's like a Down syndrome guy just trying to participate in some way

Speaker 1 in life at large.

Speaker 1 Just being like, let's go Joe Biden. Yeah, just repeating something, a commercial he heard.
Yeah, he's like a Down syndrome guy being like, pizza, pizza.

Speaker 1 I like Steven's bit about being very concerned about Will Smith belonging to the Academy. And he's like, there's no way they can keep him at this point.
Just like he kept talking about it.

Speaker 1 Didn't they kick him out or some shit? Yeah, I think he's suspended. Fuck him.
Fuck the Academy. Fuck the Academy.
Will fucking lay down the fucking. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to have

Speaker 1 my own award show. We got to start our own.
Tonight. I'm going to get all my stuffed animals and bring them out in the living room and put little tuxedos on them.

Speaker 1 I thought you told us not to talk about the stuffed animals. I told you not to talk about them because it's none of your fucking business.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 It's none of your fucking business. No, it's protecting your private life, I thought.
No, you're not. You love airing things.
No, you doxed your own self with the stuff you're doing.

Speaker 1 Damn, Romeo's kind of fucking

Speaker 1 actor. He looks like me, basically.
That's crazy. Not at all.
That's what my body is like. That's not what your body looks like.
It looks like that, basically. He's really sexy, actually.
No, Alfonso.

Speaker 1 Honestly, why didn't anything happen with Romeo? He was a hot guy. He wasn't a bad actor.
He was shot to death. Was he? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That sucks. He was fucking cute.

Speaker 1 And Bullethead didn't really do much either. No, he's in a bunch of shit.
He's still in a bunch of shit. He's a bad business.
Are you sure? Scott Kahn.

Speaker 1 You said that a little earlier, but I still don't believe it. He's a bunch of shit in that era.
Gone in 60 Seconds, October Sky.

Speaker 1 He's kind of like a Scott Kahn proxy.

Speaker 1 Scott Kahn was not in a lot of stuff. Yeah, Bullethead's in more stuff.

Speaker 1 And Bullethead's Dad isn't fucking James Kahn. Yeah, you're saying that because Scott Kahn was in Gone in 60 Seconds.

Speaker 1 And And the Oceans movies?

Speaker 1 The Oceans Vagina. Wait, who do you play in the Oceans movies? One of the brothers in Warfare.
Is that Scott Kahn? Yeah, it's Casey Afflick and Scott Kahn. And they're arguing.
Oh,

Speaker 1 Scott Kahn was in something else I saw recently. What the fuck did I just watch? Do you have any idea? I don't remember.

Speaker 1 You don't know what I watched in Scott Kahn? I don't remember what you watched. Fuck.
He was like a henchman.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's a bad boy. Fuck, what was the fucking boy? He's a 5'3 ⁇ , bad boy.
Now I'm pissed off. I'm trying to remember it.
Adam's a 5-foot three good boy. Thanks for

Speaker 1 a good little slick. I'm not 5'3, but I'm good.

Speaker 1 You suck up all of daddy's cum.

Speaker 1 Who's daddy?

Speaker 1 It depends. It changes every couple of hours.

Speaker 1 Would you let Lori Beth Denberg suck your dick? Yeah, without question. Yeah.
Yeah. Probably.
For all that. Just for all that.

Speaker 1 It's the energy. I'd let her.

Speaker 1 She'd go ham on that prick. It's that dick-sucking energy she's got.
I'd let her grapefruit trick me.

Speaker 1 Because if she was in the zone and she was about to, if she's about to harness all that insane bitch energy on your cock for the next 7 to 12,

Speaker 1 that's going to feel awesome. Yeah.
That's going to feel really good. My girlfriend.
But then after you bust, that's going to be really tough.

Speaker 1 That's going to be because she's going to try and make jokes.

Speaker 1 You got to try and be fucking. You got to fucking throw a smoke bomb like Batman.

Speaker 1 You're gone.

Speaker 1 There's got to be a trapdoor, trapdoor, and you've got to hook up to a train or truck horn.

Speaker 1 And the second,

Speaker 1 she just drops through the floor. Yep.
There's a furnace underneath.

Speaker 1 No, there's like a little

Speaker 1 mall train set up that takes her back

Speaker 1 to Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She gets complete room and board on an Amtrak. She's just telling the

Speaker 1 guy driving the tiny train, doing her bits to him.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 She was in Workaholics. That's the last thing I saw her in.
She was. She played herself in Workaholics.

Speaker 1 I'd like to see her, you know, have a meteor role that she can really sink her teeth into.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We will cast her in something. And you said she went crazy, Adam.
Is that correct?

Speaker 1 I'm speculating.

Speaker 1 A friend of mine friended her on Facebook and

Speaker 1 she was sending some

Speaker 1 weird DMs that didn't make any sense. Hearsay.
So it's hearsay.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, say it hears. Hearsay from Adam.
I don't know. They're just character defamation.

Speaker 1 Bring it up. Don't bring it up.
Say it. We could be sued.

Speaker 1 We could be sued by Lori Beth Denberg.

Speaker 1 No, I'm talking about it. We'll settle out.
I'm talking about a different Lori Beth Denberg.

Speaker 1 Not the actress.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Is the other one also fat? It kind of has to be.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It is a fat name, I will say. Can you imagine that being like, I want my daughter to have the best life possible? I'm going to name her Lori Beth.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just listen, this is her, Lori, our Lori Beth, best case scenario, the fact that she's not a school, a middle school secretary, fat as shit with that name, with a little fucking jar of candy corn in front of her.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's a fucking miracle she even got to act.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she made it to Hollywood. Good question.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that was always anytime I had to write a fat girl in any project or packet or whatever, my go-to fat girl name was always Dawn Beth Custard.

Speaker 1 Custard? Yeah. Dude, Custard is fucking good.
It is really good. It's a good last name for a fat.

Speaker 1 I guess. I just think it's.
Critically endangered blue-eyed black neemer born in

Speaker 1 black neemur. Lemur.
That's what I said. Born in,

Speaker 1 yes, starring, Jennifer Penis. Wait, what happened? Did they get out of the fucking...
It's the episode's over. We missed it.
The episode's over.

Speaker 1 It's like Shutter Island this episode. And why do they have all these white friends? Why do the girls have all these white bitch friends?

Speaker 1 Is this the next episode of Steve? Oh, the damn. We almost missed it, but diet.

Speaker 1 Smoke. Wow.
Nice, bro. That was a close one.
That was a really close one. Folks, I can let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 There's these all these fucking edibles out there now these days, right? And they get you too fucked up. You don't know where they came from.
They get you too high.

Speaker 1 You don't know where they came from. They definitely aren't fucking sourced in a lab.
You definitely can't tell.

Speaker 1 It's not a legitimate business with a fucking website

Speaker 1 where you get them. Okay? You buy these edibles from the fucking habibis at the fucking front of your fucking bodega.
God knows how long these motherfuckers are.

Speaker 1 Oh, don't forget that part about the farm bill or something. Yeah, well, good news for you, motherfuckers, because now we got something that's basically weed, but claims to get you a little less high.

Speaker 1 Because of a loophole in the middle of the bottom. Because of the loophole in the farm bill.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's fucking delicious. Our friends at Diet Smoke have chewable edibles, whatever the fuck you want to call them.
And yeah, it's Delta 8, which is legal.

Speaker 1 Even though Delta 9 is illegal. Is illegal.
Except not in New York State anymore. And here's the thing.

Speaker 1 As a guy who has taken a ton of both of them,

Speaker 1 I can definitely tell the motherfucking difference. Yeah, these are clearly

Speaker 1 very different things.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 So if you want something that is definitely different, is is not basically just weed,

Speaker 1 if you don't want that,

Speaker 1 then go to Diet Smoke or you do.

Speaker 1 I've actually lost my own train of thought. Whatever.
They got two great things. The point is, go to dietsmoke.com.
I'm trying to look it up. I'm trying to look at blue smoke.
They got blue raspberry.

Speaker 1 They have watermelons. You're probably thinking, what the hell is the,

Speaker 1 what are people even thinking about? What the fuck are they even fucking thinking?

Speaker 1 This Diet Smoke, I've never heard of anything along the way. What the fuck fuck does that even mean

Speaker 1 excuse me diet smoke how about you smoke this pole though you know what i'm saying

Speaker 1 hmm okay do you i understand

Speaker 1 okay i just i don't have my phone so i can't look up the website you could if you tried hard enough where the fuck is where is it it's sitting next to you i think

Speaker 1 we were watching tv

Speaker 1 I'm fucking tired, dude. I'm about to sneak up.
They're all napping. I'm running down from the fucking road.
Shout out to Toronto. Thanks for everybody who came out.
The six, they call it.

Speaker 1 Six, six, six, six.

Speaker 1 I'm looking for the Delta Smoke Reeds, but I'm finding annoying emails from other people that are pissing me off.

Speaker 1 You want to read the speak on them, King? I don't know. It's just a pain in the ass invoicing people and then shacking them down.
And the payments come in, they're all from like

Speaker 1 the payment company. Right, right, right.
And it's nine months later, and it's like, I have no idea. I have no idea who.
Should we get a gun and point it at whoever emails you?

Speaker 1 Diet Smoke Delta 8. Hey, Nick, I heard the episode and realized I missed the opportunity to get that Delta 8 product we talk about.
When's the next chance for a read?

Speaker 1 Attaches the copy and everything.

Speaker 1 Oh, should we read that? Can I send you guys some samples? Are you staying away from anything cannabis-related? I'd love. If you're listening right now, send them.
Send them.

Speaker 1 To the fine folks over at Diet Smoke.

Speaker 1 I have been on a bender for a couple weeks now. Feel free to riff the introduction.
The message we're trying to convey is that sometimes you can't or don't always want to get super high. Thank you.

Speaker 1 i did that just by

Speaker 1 you didn't even know it was on the coffee dude i'm just i'm a pro you're

Speaker 1 i'm a fucking you know my problem with edibles sometimes you get so high yes can i be honest i literally got no joke toronto okay no this is not even part of the whatever i had to i had to drive to buffalo to fly home last night because i got so high i missed a 4 p.m flight oh my god i got high from the night before yes dude yes i took a fucking.

Speaker 1 So a comic in Canada gave me an edible, and he was like, those are pretty strong. But all the edibles I've had in Canada, they sell them in like two, they sell them two, like in a pouch.

Speaker 1 You can't even buy big ones. Oh, yeah.
Weed is legal. Weed is legal, but it's like edibles are coming like five milligrams.
So, you know, they come in five milligrams or ten milligrams.

Speaker 1 I didn't even see anything over fucking 20 milligrams being sold. So this guy's like, watch out.
These are strong. So in my mind, I'm like, what are they, like max 100 milligrams?

Speaker 1 And it was like this star or whatever. So I chomp off one of the legs of the star and a little bit of the body, thinking, like, okay, I'm going to have a little nibble here.

Speaker 1 It's probably a 50 milligram. See what happens.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so I do that.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I didn't read until afterwards.

Speaker 1 I sent the thing to the, I got to check something real quick. You want to know how much it was? Yeah.
It was a thousand milligrams. How is that possible? It was a thousand milligrams.

Speaker 1 Why would anyone give that to you? I got poison. Dude, so I got so fucking high.
I was having a fucking poison. You You took like an Uber to Buffalo, New York? No, I had a friend.

Speaker 1 Well, at first I was like,

Speaker 1 and I didn't realize this. Like, I got annoyed halfway into Toronto because I was like, fuck,

Speaker 1 I have to get a COVID test to come back, even though you need a COVID test to get into Toronto, right? Right. And I figured America's cooler than Canada.
Yeah, we're chiller.

Speaker 1 But then, so then I'm like, high as fuck. I wake up.

Speaker 1 My flight's at four.

Speaker 1 I wake up at noon still

Speaker 1 out of my mind high. A thousand milligrams.
I'm having a panic attack. I'm trying to book a COVID test.
It's Easter Monday. Half the shit is fucking closed in Canada.

Speaker 1 They take their holidays fucking seriously.

Speaker 1 I found one place. It was like 40 minutes out.
And they were like, it might take up to two or three hours. And my flight's in four hours.
So I'm like, fuck, I'm just going to rent a car and drive.

Speaker 1 Fuck it.

Speaker 1 And so, because I guess over, which is another thing that doesn't make sense. Over land, you don't need

Speaker 1 like a COVID test? It makes no sense.

Speaker 1 Over the flight, you do, but land you don't. Anyway, that saved my ass because I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to rent a car.

Speaker 1 Then it turns out you can't rent a car from Canada and just drop it off in New York. So I had to get a friend from Canada, drive me to Buffalo.

Speaker 1 I went to the airport thinking I'm going to, I'm going to... Was it like two hours, three hours? Well, that's the other thing.
It was supposed to be an hour and a half.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, that's not that bad. Okay.
As soon as we start driving, fucking snowstorm. It takes us three hours to get to Buffalo.

Speaker 1 I found a 745 flight

Speaker 1 that took me to LaGuardia. So I was like, this is perfect.
This is better than the flight I was on. We missed the flight because of the snow.
So I'm like, fuck it. I guess I'll just rent a car.

Speaker 1 I go to check just in case. I just go up to the fucking teller.
I'm like, one ticket to New York, please. There was a flight.
There was a JetBlue flight leaving at fucking 9 p.m. I got there at 8.40.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Hopped on the flight, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now, if I had had

Speaker 1 the product from our beautiful friends at Diet Smoke, I wouldn't be in this conundrum. You would have gotten your code.

Speaker 1 I had to send an angry email.

Speaker 1 I had to send a vicious email. Good.
That's what I'd like to hear. So, anyway, folks, if you don't want to go through a whole ordeal like that, do some shit.

Speaker 1 There's a thousand milligrams. That's so fucked up.
It fucked me up. Who needs to.

Speaker 1 Just real quick: if Adam were on the show, the Steve Harvey show, his character's name would be Bullet Penis because his penis is the size of a bullet.

Speaker 1 And Traveler

Speaker 1 comes as fast as a bullet or something. It's fast, it's badass.
It's fast, it's small, it's little. It hurts

Speaker 1 pierces

Speaker 1 pussies.

Speaker 1 Bullet penis. It goes through armor.

Speaker 1 Not all armor. Wearing a Kevlar penis.

Speaker 1 We didn't say it was a hollow. We got a Kevlar.

Speaker 1 They get passed around by the black community. Just passed around by black guys.
I don't know why you gotta take that. On their way to jail, those of you.
I don't know why you gotta take those.

Speaker 1 So what I'm thinking of other ways. We're thinking about how bad a piece of penis is like a bullet.
No, I mean you were complimenting my penis, and then you have to make it all weird.

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm trying to think of other ways. Yeah, so

Speaker 1 anyway, you go to dietsmoke.com. DietSmoke.com.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 they're two great flavors. The thing I love about Delta 8 is that it's simply a slightly less potent THC.

Speaker 1 If I had simply eaten that, I'd be in a much better place right now. The THC that you're probably most familiar with is Delta 9.

Speaker 1 While they both are natural to the cannabis plant, Diet Smoke extracts their Delta VIII from hemp.

Speaker 1 Some may call this a loophole I call it the secret recipe to getting a smooth stable and most importantly

Speaker 1 legal high yeah that is definitely most important I definitely give a fuck about breaking the law and I love a lot of our listeners who right now are stealing their grandmother's pills

Speaker 1 and are probably listening to this six years later on a YouTube compilation compilation

Speaker 1 worst episode

Speaker 1 come town worst ad reads ever

Speaker 1 most boring ad reads while they're getting while they're kicking heroin. I know they really give a fuck about Delta 8 being illegal.
I cannot wait until the show is done.

Speaker 1 This is just an ancient memory. You were talking different literally 24 hours ago.
Anyway, listen, now. What is it? Again, with the naysayers.
You have been. Honestly, today you've been a little

Speaker 1 combative.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, I'm not done.

Speaker 1 Now you're.

Speaker 1 Folks, tune in Sunday, patreon.com slash Cometown.

Speaker 1 We get into that.

Speaker 1 Adam is gaslighting.

Speaker 1 Nick's dick is small as always. My dick.
He's calling him crazy. It's perfect.
I thought it was rude. No, he was making a point that was succinct at the time.

Speaker 1 Anyway, now, you're probably asking yourself, does Diet Smoke really get you high? Of course.

Speaker 1 The high you get with Diet Smoked is best described as somewhere between the chillness of CBD and that classic stoned feeling you get with a regular weed. I love that.
I love that.

Speaker 1 I love the classic stone.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 again, it's definitely somewhere between that

Speaker 1 and not literally exactly speaking stuff. We would never claim that.
Anyway, folks, when CBD is enough and traditional THE is too much, this is sort of the Goldilocks of weed.

Speaker 1 You don't want a little dick like Adams.

Speaker 1 You don't want a bigger dick like Not Nick's, some other guy.

Speaker 1 Some guy with a huge thing.

Speaker 1 You want to just write penis like mine. You almost trapped yourself.
I almost did, but I didn't because I'm

Speaker 1 too slick and too smooth. I'm too oiled up.
Each gummy is...

Speaker 1 They call them

Speaker 1 general sebaceous.

Speaker 1 Each gummy is infused with 10 milligrams of Delta 8 THC. American grown, by the way.

Speaker 1 And you know what they say? Buy American? Get high with American. None of that Chinese fentanyl in your fucking weed.
I'll tell you that, boss.

Speaker 1 Delta 8 gummies are low in sugar, fat-free, and delicious. They are very tasty.
Oh, and did I mention they're legal?

Speaker 1 Go to dietsmoke.com, use a promo code ComeTown for 20% off your order. That's 220 off.

Speaker 1 20 Pinos. DietSmoke.com, promo code ComeTown for 20% off.
On your first order or every order?

Speaker 1 Off your order. I don't see it.
That's great, guys. So we got a deal for life.
So you get a deal for goddamn life. You could order those and get high.
Oh, hold on. Order it too.

Speaker 1 They introduced the character of her husband that quickly in one episode. Now he's just on the show forever.
I don't remember his arc at all. Yeah.
How much is a pack?

Speaker 1 Diet Smokes Delta HTHC gummies are not for use or sale to people under the age of 21. Please use responsibly.
And they really, really, really strenuously check on the website. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I almost suggested, should I get into model trains, forgetting that model trains were a thing you shouldn't be into?

Speaker 1 You should, though. I just thought about it.
I imagine it's set up here on the car. Come on, dude.
You should. Yeah.
Yeah, it'd be cool. You know, your Bobby Bacchala shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you build a little town. Yeah, this is weird, though.

Speaker 1 Boardwalk, Jada sucks a cock.

Speaker 1 That's the mother of my kids. I'm just saying she sucks a cock.
Was the boardwalk what they fought over? Was boardwalk at the other side of the room? Boardwalk is what they fought over.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 Bobby really was feeling himself a little too much for my

Speaker 1 saddest way. Yeah, but you know.
He shouldn't have been in that life. He was just born Italian.
It's Karen's Viti. He should have just been a nerd.

Speaker 1 Well, Well, dude, he was fucked when fucking What'serface set her eyes on him? When Janice? Janice. Yeah.
He would have been

Speaker 1 living out the string as Jr.'s little guy. Tony makes him

Speaker 1 bust number cherry after he was a fucking fan. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's a Hyundai cilantro. I got a Hyundai cilantro.
He has to go to Montreal and kill that guy. Kill a guy overseas.

Speaker 1 That was pretty funny, honestly.

Speaker 1 Tony being like, well, I'm not going to kill you, but you have to take someone's someone's life.

Speaker 1 It must be weird to be like, anytime I see a commercial with dancing, I always think about them casting the dancing bitch and then her showing up and then being like, yeah, we're really excited to work with you today.

Speaker 1 And then she just dances. And then, I don't know, like, deconstructs it for whatever reason.
Ashley Furniture, I'm not thinking about it at all. That's just some dumb bitch setting they're fucking.

Speaker 1 Are you sure you don't want to fuck a girl that dances? No, I don't think that's it.

Speaker 1 There's a couple bitches on TikTok that dance, and I do want to fuck them. What, she got breast cancer or something? No, she's just wrapping her hair up.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 It's a

Speaker 1 credit card if you got breast cancer.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's this about? India? I think it is. I was laughing, imagining like just a drunk as shit Indian bitch, like dibs.
Like getting ready to go out for the night.

Speaker 1 Look at this. So it's a drunk Indian bitch, and she's like,

Speaker 1 ready to go out for the night, and then the dots here.

Speaker 1 For those at home, Nick pointed to over his left eyebrows.

Speaker 1 All right, ready to go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a real good one, Millet.

Speaker 1 I got to give you that one. All right, we're ready to go.

Speaker 1 Ready to go. It's time for a night dot.

Speaker 1 I might draw that. Yeah, that's really good, man, honestly.

Speaker 1 What do you mean I can't drive?

Speaker 1 Oh, hell yes. That suit is incredible.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Black Joker.

Speaker 1 Damn. He looks like the fat black joker right now.
New Jack City. Yeah.
God damn. Fitzpow, if I've ever seen it.
That is incredible. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 For those of you at home, Cedric is wearing a two-piece purple, like eggplant-colored suit, and the jacket is beyond his knees, and a long chain. It's an incredible look.

Speaker 1 And I'm very fucking jealous. No, he looks like the the mask.
He does.

Speaker 1 Somebody stop. Somebody suck me.
They should make a black exploitation movie called The Blask. Okay.
Yeah. And it's Black Mask.
I love that. That's cool.
I would love that.

Speaker 1 And it's a white guy who finds the mask? No,

Speaker 1 it's a black version of the mask.

Speaker 1 A very basic idea that's very easy to follow along with.

Speaker 1 You don't want black people to have anything, huh? He doesn't. He just wants to take away from that community.
Bullet penis strikes again.

Speaker 1 Fucking bullet penis, man.

Speaker 1 You're a fucked-up guy, bullet penis. Why are they calling a bullet penis Mr.
Hightower? Because he's got a tiny little bullet peak, bullet-sized penis. But it's one of the big bullets.

Speaker 1 It's armor penis. No, it's not.
Yes, it is. No, it's a BB gun bullet.

Speaker 1 No, it's a huge bullet. It's a little 22.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend recently, she tried all that. That's why they call him Adam 22, the bullet penis.

Speaker 1 One of the most successful, coolest guys.

Speaker 1 Who never raped a child or whatever he did. No, you're a different Adam 22.
They named you that for different reasons. For your 22.

Speaker 1 22 caliber penis.

Speaker 1 And even that's little, if you ask me, that's.

Speaker 1 You know, it's that size, but

Speaker 1 I don't like the suggestion the numbers are giving. Right, exactly.
It should be a one or a zero. Yeah.
I don't like them talking about my penis. Adding some kind of fraction.

Speaker 1 Adam

Speaker 1 0.22. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Adam Little Dick. How about Adam Little fucking gay bitch? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about Lori Beth Denward?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Instead of Denberg. I like that.

Speaker 1 Wow, I can't believe Steve is just going to. She's like, hey, what's up, my?

Speaker 1 Like, Lori Beth, you can't say that. Honestly, I can now.
I'm Lori Beth Denward. I feel like she got the pass at one point.
No joke. I bet you she was just a little bit more.

Speaker 1 The dick-sucking queen of Phytower High School. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's up?

Speaker 1 I don't think anyone could be mad because she says

Speaker 1 she'd say it's so goofy and fun.

Speaker 1 People would laugh if she said it.

Speaker 1 And she's so recognizable for our generation. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yabba Dabba do, my.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all that is what got me in.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 never mind. All that is what got you interested in sketch.

Speaker 1 Sketch comedy. Changed my life.

Speaker 1 I definitely was watching that as a hater as a little kid being like, I should be on that show.

Speaker 1 I should be on that show. No joke, I was.
She's wearing like a beret and I'm like, I'm fat. Fanning yourself on a patio.
That was the Keenan character where he's in a bathtub and he's French. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That guy was good. Yeah, that was pretty good.
Hating is really what got me into comedy.

Speaker 1 It was that, and then also watching Comedy Central presents at 11 and being like i'm funnier than these people being like i could do this which is crazy to think as an 11 year old yeah but hey

Speaker 1 i guess my little little fat ass me was right if you just sacrifice every other part of your life you can't be better than a random than a random half hour guy a guy who got a half hour in 1997

Speaker 1 he had to presents didn't he jay's

Speaker 1 pretty good though yeah i've never seen it he was wearing like uh he was wearing like uh he had a radio shack manager clothes. Yeah, well, no, you could see his elbow.
He had those elbow tattoos.

Speaker 1 Who was the first person that won last comic? Was Ant? Amy Schumer. No, she didn't win the first one, did she? Ant? Alonzo Bowden.
Wasn't there a gay guy named Ant or something? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 And it was funny, like, I used to get confused, because you know how people call Anthony Cumi ant? Right. I would always thought they were talking about ant from last comic standing.

Speaker 1 And they're like, ants are fucking huge racists. So I was like, damn, really? That little homo? And he's gay.
That little gay homo from he had like bleached hair or something. Wasn't it?

Speaker 1 He was another guy I got confused, though. Was Mario Cantone?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want to fuck Ashley from Ashley's Furniture? Yeah. Where'd they get this big fat Kevin Hart? That's just a black eye dude.
Yeah, but he's got the same facial hair.

Speaker 1 It's like identical. He doesn't look anything like him.
Kevin Hart's facial hair is a lot more fucking manicured. Manicured.

Speaker 1 He's got kind of like an MLB look he does a little he's looking a little Dominican in the beard yeah I bet if we had the sound on he'd be like listen fat version of me no I don't think so listen big fat version of me

Speaker 1 this is the chase freedom card don't give them free advertising you fucking goo-goots so stupid dude I'm sorry this is just that baby looks disgusting it really does women and women recent women that recently gave birth and they're fucking the shit that came out of them should never shouldn't be documented I agreed they should be both be put in a hole somewhere that place Saddam was living at the end of the Iraq war.

Speaker 1 Or I guess in the very beginning of it. For how long? For at least until the baby's speaking.
Speaking? Yeah. So like a year and a half.
Until the baby can dress itself.

Speaker 1 I could speak it at nine months. You could?

Speaker 1 Let's

Speaker 1 take simple phrases. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was fully verbal by that.

Speaker 1 Were you walking? Not by that age. But

Speaker 1 I was speaking. I was barely walking now.
I don't think that. But maybe as a baby.
No, I had youthful.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's walked too much. That's probably what happened.
Are you sure they didn't just think you were still a baby because you look like a baby still now? No, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 1 Nine months you were actually seven. I don't believe that's the case.
And they just thought you were a baby still? Because you had the same proportions? I don't believe that to be the case.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I got fat in third grade. I've told the story before.

Speaker 1 Where my mom gave me milk money, but I spent it on cupcakes. Sit down, kids.
I'll tell you the story. It was was just using milk money on cupcakes.
Because you get milk for free.

Speaker 1 You were jacked before third grade? I was fucking dude. You were rich.
7% body fat in second grade.

Speaker 1 Six-pack. It's always funny when little kids, like, they're always like martial arts little kids.

Speaker 1 They kid little Hercules or more kids. Yeah, when they have a six-pack of muscles.
Is it bad for their kids? It can't be workout. It can't be good, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It can't be good for their growth and their like. Nick, I'm sure you've studied this.
I'm what? Whether you're joking.

Speaker 1 Just jacked little kids good or bad i have no idea i don't think it has any impact i feel like it stunts their growth are you gonna make your like eight-year-old deadlift i'm not gonna make my eight-year-old do anything i'm not gonna pay attention to him

Speaker 1 damn she's gonna have to figure out the world on her own oh my god oh it's a lady

Speaker 1 my job is just to pay the rent dude imagine somebody a woman with nick as her father and just smoking cigarettes inside watching the steve harvey show

Speaker 1 Do the scumbags she would have to fuck even exist?

Speaker 1 Because you always fuck one level worse than who your father was. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're truly not bad enough.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, dude. I want somebody to start having some kids, dude.
I want to be hanging out with some babies, be a fun uncle. But I don't want my own kids.

Speaker 1 I have a couple of kids or friends that just had kids, and I think they're great. Yeah, I'm jealous.
They're cool. I went to a first birthday party.
That's so fucking cute. Which is really cute.

Speaker 1 I got him like a bowl and a spoon. A bowl and a spoon.
You got to get him a cute outfit, man.

Speaker 1 I've gotten him plenty of presents.

Speaker 1 I got him this stuffed animal that you can put in the microwave and it heats up. That's awesome.
It smells like lavender. And it smells like, yeah, it's like aromatherapy, too, and he loves it.

Speaker 1 This monkey. It's very cute.
That's awesome. I love that kid.

Speaker 1 I love all the babies, the new babies in my life. Yeah, but having your own sounds a little fucking gay, honestly.
What do you mean, dude? It sounds like a lot of work.

Speaker 1 Every day you get to choose their outfit. I don't care.
I don't need to. This is the parents, the parents sitting around trying to teach the baby the alphabet.
They're like, A, B,

Speaker 1 what's next? And the baby's like, oh. And Adam's like, it's C, it's C.

Speaker 1 Like, it's C and then D.

Speaker 1 They're like, okay,

Speaker 1 Spencer, what comes after D?

Speaker 1 Adam's like, it's C. He's just saying it's E to Maya.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 it's E. It's E.
Just vaping.

Speaker 1 It's E, yeah. It's E and then it's F.
It's F after that, yeah, FG. Whatever.
Fuck this kid.

Speaker 1 He's fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I just get impatient.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, going uncle mode will be fucking sick. Yeah.
Yeah. You get to come in and give them presents and give them cigarettes.

Speaker 1 Take them for a ride in your cool. Take him to a whorehouse.
I don't know what to do. Take him to a whorehouse at 10.
Yeah, I don't know about uncle.

Speaker 1 Like my cousin tried to do to my my little brother.

Speaker 1 I don't know about uncle, and I don't know about, like, obviously not parent, but like, I guess the role I would want to have in, like, a child's life is, like, um, you know, the clown doll in poltergeist

Speaker 1 in the little girl's room? Yeah, I never saw that. Yeah, that's kind of what I would want to do.
That makes sense. It's too scary.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just the clown doll with long arms

Speaker 1 that pulls her under the bed. Yep.
That would be cool. I feel like I could nail that one.
That would be cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just get them into a world of evil inside the TV.

Speaker 1 Oh, Cedric moved out. There you go.
Now you asked, are you sure I don't want to just fuck?

Speaker 1 She'd be awesome to fuck with. The answer is 100% sure.
But I'm thinking about.

Speaker 1 This is a Nordstrom Rat commercial with an Asian girl. She's got red on either side of her hair.
Just to let, if you see the commercial, so you know we're talking about it. Yeah, you can look it up.

Speaker 1 We're watching the Steve Harvey show on 2B right now.

Speaker 1 Because it was free. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, unfortunately, there are commercial interruptions.

Speaker 1 So, I can't tell because the sound is off, right? But I'm guessing that Steve's world is crumbling. Not only is the principal bitch getting married to the NBA player, which, of course.

Speaker 1 The one who he used to hit. I don't know if he used to hit or he will end up hitting.
They're childhood friends. Were they childhood friends?

Speaker 1 She used to be fat. That's why he calls her piggy.
That makes sense. That's funny.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 she's getting married, and now Cedric and his bitch are moving.

Speaker 1 It looks like Steve is all alone. And he just turned 40.
He's just candy cigarettes with Lori Beth. Oh, look at this motherfucker.
Is that what's his

Speaker 1 Burke? Yep.

Speaker 1 That motherfucker moved to LA and started doing every fucking commercial. Is that actually him? Yeah, that's him.
No joke. I mean, he's fucking running.
So did that other dude, Grant. Grant's had

Speaker 1 Grant.

Speaker 1 What's his name? Lion? Lion. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he was in that fucking.

Speaker 1 It is Jason. It is.
Good for him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck? Grant was in that one fucking like

Speaker 1 cell phone company.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, cell phone company. Cell phone.
Cricket, maybe?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or it was one of the bootleg ones, but he was on a.
Oh, hell yeah, dude. He was on a big one.
He showed on the Cedric one again.

Speaker 1 It'd be cool to go back to the 90s and just be Lori Beth Denberg's do-nothing boyfriend. Steve's hard me working on it.
And then two weeks before 9-11,

Speaker 1 I'd fucking jump off the you know 30 rock, kill myself. That'd be awesome.
And then I just lived a perfect life. She's got to b spoil me, buy me shit.
I'm cheating on her the whole time. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're not doing shit at all. I'm not doing n fucking nothing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm doing nothing.

Speaker 1 You're just coasing off that all of that check. Fuck, dude.
I wanted to go back'cause Steve Harvey

Speaker 1 had um

Speaker 1 he he dedicated something. this fucking remote sucks

Speaker 1 the Apple TV remote fucking sucks you click it in

Speaker 1 you click it in okay

Speaker 1 rescinded

Speaker 1 oh now they're gonna make me watch a fucking commercial like I'm a fucking asshole

Speaker 1 fuck this commercial I wanna watch Steve Harvey's dedication I think I'm gonna watch Coda after you guys leave Coda looks like dog shit man oh Coda you suck my dick please

Speaker 1 excuse me a quote I cannot. We want to suck my dick.

Speaker 1 Well, stop making us watch all these fucking commercials, you fucking piece of shit. What part were you trying to re-watch?

Speaker 1 He dedicated something.

Speaker 1 He had a dedication at the end of the fucking shit. Oh, like, like he dropped the.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I think it was the last one.

Speaker 1 But did he dedicate? I don't know. Like a friend of his daughter.
I can't fucking read.

Speaker 1 But how the fuck do you go back to the different episode, by the way?

Speaker 1 This thing sucks my fucking dick, and I'm about to get really pissed off. Monica Kaye.

Speaker 1 Fuck Monica too. Matter of fact, while I'm at it.
Yeah. She's she I would cast her as the dot the dod lady.
She would be drunken dog lady.

Speaker 1 Whatever it takes.

Speaker 1 Touched by a pig. I know I can make it.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. Let's go back.
Touched by a pig.

Speaker 1 Best piggy's wedding. There it is.

Speaker 1 Okay. Is he going to ruin the wedding? No, we just watched this one.
I can't see. But I want to see the

Speaker 1 Adam. You guys are having a great time watching TV.
We're not watching the TV. We're doing our job.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to just get to the point. Here we go.
We got Parkinson's commercial.

Speaker 1 Wow, these cocksuckers really want to make us watch fucking commercials.

Speaker 1 Especially about Parkinson's, too. Team Fox.

Speaker 1 You can't turn charities into commercials. I agree with that.
Then you just annoy people. Now I hate people with Parkinson's.
Yep. And before you loved them.

Speaker 1 If on my own goddamn time I found out about this motherfucker's disease, maybe you'd get a dime from me.

Speaker 1 But now, anytime I see a little display that says we're raising money for people with Parkinson's, Bam!

Speaker 1 Bam.

Speaker 1 Where you go fuck some guy with Parkinson's up? Just you punch the guy in the face. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then take the money and go buy cigarettes with it. That's awesome.
Yeah. Honestly, I've been smoking cigs again just a little bit.
They're awesome. Yeah, I started.
I got back into it.

Speaker 1 The vaping, once you start vaping, now you're addicted for the rest of your life. Quit.
I don't vape. I don't like vaping.
I vaped for six months. It was killing me.

Speaker 1 It's also like a really whack look. It's like not cool.
Yeah, you do it all the time. And then I saw vaping.

Speaker 1 It feels pathetic.

Speaker 1 It looks stupid for a grown man.

Speaker 1 I'm back to smoking. It only looks good for like 23-year-old women to do that.
I don't even think it looks good. But it looks like it makes sense.
It makes sense. They should be.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 It's a dumb thing, but they're dumb. It's their generation.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You doing it is pathetic. It's like my skateboard.

Speaker 1 Exactly. But you never skateboard.

Speaker 1 This guy, he vapes and then takes the vape out of his mouth and says, dead ass.

Speaker 1 And said, what did he say the other week? Something gave him life? No, you didn't. You did.
He said, this is gave him life. You said gave me life? Yeah.
Yeah, I said it like a joke. No, you didn't.

Speaker 1 Come on. Beyond up, dude.
He said, it is giving me a joke.

Speaker 1 Okay, be honest. Would you say it is a joke? Yeah, of course.
Because that's like what dumb women say on the internet. Yeah, right, sure.

Speaker 1 And there was no context in which it could have been a joke. You said it earnestly while describing something else.
Why are there so many fucking commercials? I'm just trying to see.

Speaker 1 Once again, Nick's making shit up.

Speaker 1 Lying on my ass.

Speaker 1 Yes, you are. No, no, no.
Yes, you are. No, no, no, no.
Yes, you are. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I I don't like sunglasses, Nick.
I've decided. Yeah, Holly.
I don't like it, dude. Now I'm Indian Papa, Nick.
You've gotten mean again. I have Michael, my

Speaker 1 Papa pimp glasses, and now I am Indian Papa.

Speaker 1 I was building you up when I saw the sunglasses yesterday. I was like, you look awesome, dude.
And now the way it's affected your personality. You started it.
I didn't start shit.

Speaker 1 It's turned you into. He's going to have a leather jacket next.
Oh, my God. He's going to be a regular fucking person.
He's going to be giving me swirlies. I'm just getting, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a speed-o.

Speaker 1 I'm filing all my teeth down. You're smoking crack.
Does he swile his teeth though? No, his teeth are all rotted out from being a drug addict.

Speaker 1 Why doesn't he get fucking veneers?

Speaker 1 How do they rot? From crack cocaine?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, probably. I mean, that's all he does.
This is fucking crazy how many fucking commercials there are. There's been nothing but commercials.
I'm going to fucking kill someone.

Speaker 1 And if I have to see this baby again, this ugly ass baby. Where's a sexy Asian girl we can look at while she dances? I'm going to smoke bomb the entrain and just fire off a couple of rounds.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 also a comic, right? Isn't that what's the name of the score

Speaker 1 who the shooter?

Speaker 1 Yeah, the shooter definitely did a couple open mics. He used to do Knitting Factory.
He did a present. I'm pretty sure the shooter was Clark Jones.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure that was Clark Jones. I don't think it was.
I don't think it was. Y'all done pissed me off for the last time.

Speaker 1 Clark recalling a fucking shooter.

Speaker 1 Y'all done pissed Clark off for the last time.

Speaker 1 Kenny, where's my nine?

Speaker 1 That would be awesome. Kenny.

Speaker 1 Kenny, get my nine. Get my gun.
Get my gun and smoke by him, Kenny.

Speaker 1 Y'all done pissed Clark off for the last damn time.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 It would be sick if comics just started doing little comics. It should happen more.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Okay. Okay, what is it? I don't know.
Get ready to pause.

Speaker 1 I don't know where the remote is now. Okay, Steve's work is dedicated to the memory of Jesse and Hall.
Jesse and Aloise. Oh, fuck.
Fuck. And we can't go back.
Jesse and Eloise Hall.

Speaker 1 Jesse and Eloise Hall. Who is that? I don't know.
Family member? Yeah, you know who? I'll tell you exactly who they were.

Speaker 1 They were the people that owned the carpet store that gave him the carpet cleaning contract and like a credit with a travel agency when he was homeless in the late 80s.

Speaker 1 They're the people that basically gave him his career.

Speaker 1 Is that right? I've seen that. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 That must have been right when they died, I guess.

Speaker 1 What do they do? They give him a credit? Well, they hired. He was just like, he was like a road comic that was homeless and this company that owned, or this family, his wife.

Speaker 1 That's the story he tells, anyway, in a very tearful

Speaker 1 because they believed in me.

Speaker 1 You know who needs that? Clark Jones.

Speaker 1 I don't think Clark is close to committing any crimes. Well, in this version.
Okay, okay. But you're saying Steve could have gone the wrong direction.
You think Steve could have gone...

Speaker 1 He could have shot up the train.

Speaker 1 I don't think he could have. I think his talent was undeniable.
Cafe, distinct by design.

Speaker 1 That's the oven I tried to buy. That's a sick oven, bro.
Yeah, and then the delivery guys wouldn't bring it up the stairs. I thought it didn't fit through the door.
It would have.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's an oven in here already. It's the same dimensions.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, like, that's your fucking job. Yeah, that's true.
My dad had to always figure out how to, like, get shit into little places. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 It's the the same but you what you have to do is you have to bribe all those guys and you were too principled no he just didn't give me an in to bribe he was immediately like it won't go we have to leave or we can leave it outside i'm like well you can't leave it outside dude it's like there's got to be some way you can get in here he's like no we're leaving also just try it you didn't ask him what his friend washington would think no i don't do it that way $1

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 if you want to bump if you want to bump and you're like you know you're if you're you got to ask for it that shit's illegal I could go go to federal prison for bribing this man.

Speaker 1 I think. I don't think that's the case.
Well, no, you have to. I think you're allowed to tip a deliverance.

Speaker 1 It's a federal crime to bribe anyone. You have to ask him if he's a cop first.

Speaker 1 And he has to ask. Oh, what? Did her husband die or something? Why is she all black?

Speaker 1 The NBA player died? I don't know. I can't tell.
That's why black people don't tip is they think it's a crime.

Speaker 1 Y'all not going to get me. Yeah, I know.
This is entrapment.

Speaker 1 And you know, the cops would do that, too. The cops would pretend to be waiters.
Yeah. And then the second a black person tips, you're like, it's a bribe.
He bribed me.

Speaker 1 And then Clark hears about it. It's train time.

Speaker 1 You fucked with Clark for the last time. Choo-choo.

Speaker 1 It's train time.

Speaker 1 Y'all done push Clark to

Speaker 1 his limit. Shout out to Clark.
That was an awesome show, man. The knitting factory.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like that show. I mean, I haven't been back.
Marie hosts it now by herself. Sydney moved to fucking L.A.

Speaker 1 Hollywood, Sydney. Hollywood, Sid.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, dude.
A lot of people moving to L.A.

Speaker 1 Not me, baby.

Speaker 1 I'll visit La La Land, but

Speaker 1 I'm staying right here. You're too real, dude.
Yeah, I don't know if I could ever move. Those people are fake.

Speaker 1 It sucks that it's like literally impossible to ever buy New York real estate unless you were already rich. What about when the economy collapses again? Maybe you can get a huge amount of money.

Speaker 1 Interest rates are high and housing prices don't come down. Yeah, that's probably what's going to happen.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's like,

Speaker 1 I mean, everything that happens happens out in the open. They're like, wow, fucking Blackstone's buying up all the trailer parks? They're buying up.
No, they're just all the housing is going to be be.

Speaker 1 Any house. Any house.
It's all going to be bought up. And you're not going to, like, you know, even just having like a modest house is going to be a luxury.

Speaker 1 Damn, that's crazy. We should fucking kill everyone who's going to be able to do it.
And then you know what's going to happen?

Speaker 1 Is you're going to say, oh, well, they need to raise property taxes if these companies are going to all be landlords. And then all that'll do is fucking then edge.
Price out the lowlands.

Speaker 1 Small landlords.

Speaker 1 And then even more companies get to buy shit. I'm saying,

Speaker 1 there's a building in, I think it's Chelsea, but it's like, looks like an apartment building. And I think it's the Blackstone Guy's house, but it's single occupancy.
And it's a massive building.

Speaker 1 Should we firebomb it? It's crazy how big it is.

Speaker 1 And it's like, but it's one guy's crib. It's like a city block.
It's enormous. Dude, this must be the NBA.

Speaker 1 As close as we are. Oh, they just killed him.
They killed him off after the wedding?

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 She did a little slapstick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, as close as we're ever going to get to any kind of revolution or whatever happened over the last two years. And then it amounts to a bunch of retards fucking having parades.

Speaker 1 And then a couple of other different kinds of retards walking through the Capitol. Yep.

Speaker 1 And now everything's just bullshit. I would love to have a parade and have a s a strong sailor

Speaker 1 give me a kiss,

Speaker 1 be in the newspaper. Oh, you'd like to be assaulted? I'd like to be a nurse, you know.
What if he kissed you and then he fucked you in the ass heavy heavily afterwards?

Speaker 1 No, well, the picture is really that's all that matters. But there's a lot that happens after the picture to you, especially.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 He reaches up your skirt, he puts a thumb up your ass, you're like, ah!

Speaker 1 He's like, if the thumb's too much, you're gonna hate what's about to happen next. Yeah, it turns into the Puerto Rican Day parade.

Speaker 1 No, the gay pride parade.

Speaker 1 You think guys'

Speaker 1 butts get fingered at the gay pride parade?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 I don't think so. What the hell kind of question is that? Gay prayers.

Speaker 1 Remember,

Speaker 1 early on, we did this show. Yeah.
It was after I had walked through the gay pride parade, and there was that homeless lady master. You had your own flourishing.

Speaker 1 I had a story to go with it. Yeah, we were doing jokes.
That was where we did the joke about the Italian guy getting excited to watch the Tony's. Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 1 I thought that was a Guido voice tweet. I think it was something I said on the show first and then I tweeted it.
But it certainly wasn't anything you said or thought of. I remember that.
What's it?

Speaker 1 The sunglasses. The sunglasses have made

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 say, we did this bit. And he's like, oh, I thought that, actually, that was a tweet.
What? It's always. It's always just

Speaker 1 you got to correct that. That demon got in your head.
That's what happened. Not demon.
That demon got in your head. You're going to tell me what I think and feel.
No, you're just not under control.

Speaker 1 You're going to tell me. Because I think, genuinely speaking,

Speaker 1 I think, genuinely speaking,

Speaker 1 you're a good guy, but you fell under a spell.

Speaker 1 You're not in your right mind, you know? And I'll stand by your side no matter what. Wow.
Like I have this last six years. As a really good guy.
As a good guy.

Speaker 1 With a good guy with a little ass dick.

Speaker 1 He's seething.

Speaker 1 How much time have we got left? This kid is shit. This has to be over.
It has to be over by now. Are we done yet? My mom just called me.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we're done.

Speaker 1 Once the mom rings, once the fat lady rings. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.

Speaker 1 There's nothing. There was no else to go with it.

Speaker 1 You know, I have to say it. No, you didn't have to at all.

Speaker 1 Not at all. I had to say it.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Ooh, police misconduct, shootings, beatings.
The Cochrane firm. The Cochrane firm.
Are you have you been fucking

Speaker 1 look at the zoom background he's using right now?

Speaker 1 He's fuzzy around the ears.