Ep. 226 – Nerds rope

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Speaker 2 Dude, I just. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Welcome to another episode of Adam Copies. And today, Adam copied losing money, gambling on secures.
I didn't lose quite as much as you. Yeah, because you copied me in a...

Speaker 2 That's traditional. You should never be like the winner.
The original. You're copying shittier than Nick.

Speaker 2 No matter if it's jokes or if it's losing

Speaker 2 hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast.
For me, it was $1,100 and it hurts.

Speaker 2 My friend got the Men in Black soundtrack in like fourth grade. And then I got it also and he just stopped talking to me for like six months.

Speaker 2 For having it? Yeah, forget. He's like, I got it first.
You copied me. Unbelievable.
What if you wanted to listen to it at home? Yeah. And it's mostly garbage.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 what is the I can't think of a single I can remember the Wild, Wild West song, yeah, it's one of those Stevie Wonder samples, but about aliens. Oh, okay, cool.
That's in theory, sounds alright.

Speaker 2 The We Are the Men in Black song. Oh, we are.
Space Jam had a good soundtrack. They had, I believe, I can fly on that.
Everybody, fuck me in my gay ass.

Speaker 2 Get fucked in my motherfucking gay ass.

Speaker 2 Unfuck me in my mouth. I'm a gay guy.
guy. Where's my son? Alright.
I need my phone here.

Speaker 2 I'll be right back. Oh, shit.
You got an I can't find my phone type shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Makes it personal sense.
It feels like I'm in fucking. It feels like I'm in fucking altar boy again, dude.
Yeah, it feels like you're about to get.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 Greek, see, Greek priests don't fuck their kids because

Speaker 2 they're asleep. They're drunk.
Well, yes, but they have wives. They get pussy.
Greek priests get pussy.

Speaker 2 Whereas fucking Catholics, Catholics are so cheap they don't want to pay for, you know, pay for kids and shit. What are you doing?

Speaker 2 The wire was tangled up, so now I can sit upright more comfortably. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm loving the incense, bro. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking I'm about to steal. The move when you were an altar boy was because they cut in Greek Orthodoxy, you get square little pieces of holy bread.
That means they throw the crusts away. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But if you're around, brother, I ate so many crusts of holy bread. As long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a wise guy.

Speaker 2 Wow. What a racket.

Speaker 2 They'd throw away the crusts, so me and Paulie would go behind and eat them all. And when you do, you dip that bitch in a little bit of that wine.
It's so good.

Speaker 2 The first time I saw Robert De Niro's character, I thought, that's the fattest guy I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 Everybody wanted to be him. He weighed 450 pounds.

Speaker 2 They had to create a custom Cadillac

Speaker 2 rascal scooter for him to get around it.

Speaker 2 It costs $380,000. You made all the money stealing Panera bread.

Speaker 2 See, that's the other thing. Panera bread, my brothers worked there, they throw a lot away.
So if you worked, you know how many fucking cinnamon toast crunch bagels

Speaker 2 and fucking loaves, those fucking Asiago loaves and shit.

Speaker 2 My youth was spent with a lot of free bread. Yeah.
I've done plenty of stealing food, but it was just not even even cutting corners, just straight up stealing. Nah, dude, there's no honor in that.

Speaker 2 There was an Aubon pond on my college campus that was just straight up free. When we were in the joint, Pauli was able to take whatever he wanted out of the garbage.

Speaker 2 We were living like kings.

Speaker 2 Good fellas, but they're just hobos. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Good fellas, by the way, never throw good fellas on when you're just like... I threw it on

Speaker 2 to eat

Speaker 2 before I left for Baltimore two weeks ago or whatever. For your last supper.
It was my last supper. Yeah, my last supper.

Speaker 2 Which is really good. I had a fucking steak.
I made a steak. I made a baked potato.

Speaker 2 And with the marinade, it was fucked up. But that's just old dude.
Anyway, I can still have a fucking steak and baked potato. I did go.

Speaker 2 Regardless, never throw. Goodfellas on because that shit will fucking suck you the fuck.
It's so good. It's weird.
The last time I watched it, I was like disappointed by it. And I hadn't seen it.

Speaker 2 I mean, I would watch it when I was like 15, like probably 15 years old was the last time I saw it. Interesting.

Speaker 2 And then I would watch it like every week. Yeah.

Speaker 2 In between like 13 and 15, I would watch every movie.

Speaker 2 It's time to watch Goodfellas. Yeah.
It's time to...

Speaker 2 Maybe there's something to you burning it out because I've seen it maybe you know casino on the other hand I can still watch whenever it's so cool casino is a fucking masterpiece and I actually when I was like in my late teens and started buying DVDs I bought casino and Not Goodfellas.

Speaker 2 And I would watch, so I've seen Casino more than I've seen Goodfellas. Interesting.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I would say they're equal. You know, I used to watch all the time was Casino and True Romance.
The bangers. Bangers on bangers.
True Romance fucking rocks cocky. I used to love that movie so much.

Speaker 2 I wanted to get pussy from a fucking prostitute,

Speaker 2 a gently used prostitute so bad. You want to go see a kung fu movie? You want to get pie and see a kung fu? Just fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, by the way, that's just Tarantino getting no pussy, writing a a movie about what if a hot girl wanted to fuck me.

Speaker 2 Fucking Elvis, God.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, no.

Speaker 2 You were a freaking prostitute?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he loves Elvis.

Speaker 2 That character has Downs in him.

Speaker 2 You want to come back to my place and see my collection of transitional sunglasses,

Speaker 2 dude. Speaking of Down syndrome, I saw

Speaker 2 no, I saw something that did make me me literally. It's funny that this made me think of Nick immediately.
I was at Best Buy buying a Fitbit.

Speaker 2 Okay, I was tracking my steps, hitting my 10,000 steps. So, and it was the first time I'd been to a big store like that.
I think probably since the pandemic.

Speaker 2 I mean, I've been grocery shopping, but I'm masked up and I'm waiting for them to retrieve my Fitbit.

Speaker 2 I bought online, and a man with Down syndrome or some kind of, you know, mental handicap goes up to the register with, I'm going to say, like, $50 worth of Reese's pieces and,

Speaker 2 like, I think nerd's rope. And he's explaining to the.
So already I'm fucking smiling. Yeah.
Right. Thank God for the mask.
Yeah. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 it's beautiful. It's like, wow.
Now, with he had a mask on, presumably. How do you know?

Speaker 2 But he could have been a Chinese guy.

Speaker 2 No. You need the rest of the face.
You can see the squat. Also, he was wearing sweatpants and women's

Speaker 2 song flip-flops. If Shane Gillis,

Speaker 2 if Shane Gillis had a mask on,

Speaker 2 he's like, yeah, just I want to respawn. Let me get all the responses.
Yeah, yeah. Like, all right.
Sure.

Speaker 2 But I will say there was also something to this man's movements, and he also was, he looked grown, and he had a chaperone with him. So all of these things sort of clued me in.

Speaker 2 Did I ever tell a story about working in the... Well, go ahead, continue.
Well, so he, so then I'm like, well, that, you know, that's cute. That's awesome.
Good for him. He's living.

Speaker 2 He's fucking living. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he starts explaining to the cashier that he got a $50 Best Buy gift card, and this is what he wanted to use it on. So that, to me, is,

Speaker 2 that's awesome. That fucking rocks.
That's the most intelligent. What the fuck is he going to get? Like a tenth of a microwave? Yeah, I don't know.
Video game, something? They don't play video games.

Speaker 2 They don't? No, of course not.

Speaker 2 Not even like immense

Speaker 2 intellectuals. Nick is tapping his head, by the way, everyone.

Speaker 2 Nick is arching his eyebrow and tapping his head, as if to denote that. I would love to have intelligence.
I would love to watch a retarded guy play Death Stranded. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 He would get so pissed.

Speaker 2 I mean, I got pissed. I'm a genius.

Speaker 2 Me, too. I had no idea what was going on.

Speaker 2 I don't get what those video game studios, like, how much goodwill do you think you have with people

Speaker 2 that you think I'm going to fucking invest upfront attention to this story? It's crazy.

Speaker 2 I don't get a gun until like 40 hours hours into the game. When the rain came, and it's it.
Okay, well, this is going directly into garbage.

Speaker 2 Fucking video game.

Speaker 2 I know. It sucks.

Speaker 2 They could probably play some Lego's Star Wars. Sure, Legos, Indiana Jones.

Speaker 2 Lego Indiana Jones is a masterpiece. It's a good game.

Speaker 2 It's one of the rare instances when a derivative or

Speaker 2 an adapted name

Speaker 2 is better than the original.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'm willing to agree with you because I did not like Indiana Jones that much. I didn't either.
And I've tried to, like that and Lord of the Rings as an adult.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess I was an adult when Lord of the Rings came out. But I tried to like, I'm like, because you know what?

Speaker 2 It would be nice to do drugs and sit and watch Lord of the Rings and be like, fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Whatever this gay shit is.
Yeah, yeah. I've never seen those movies.
They suck. They look fucking boring.
They're fucking boring, dude. They boring.
Give me the fight scenes.

Speaker 2 Cut the fight scenes into 40 minutes. You can play it at the end.
If they were good. And a couple quick magic fights.
If they were good, they were good by accident.

Speaker 2 Because fucking like Peter Jackson made that Hobbit movie. Right.
Shot the whole thing in like 60 frames per second, which is one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time. It looked like shit.

Speaker 2 It looks like absolute. Soap opera.
It looks like absolute fucking dog shit. And it's such like, just shoot one scene, maybe.
Just see what it looks like.

Speaker 2 And look at it and be like, is this cinematic? Yeah. Or is this incredibly fucking distracting? And

Speaker 2 we should not do this. I've never seen it.
So that looks, it looks like

Speaker 2 HD smoothing type shit. It's weird.
I mean, like, like, it's just fucking like Andolph sacheting around a tiny house. They should shoot vampires.
It looks like daytime television, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Honestly, they should shoot vampires like that.

Speaker 2 Vampires? Because you glide.

Speaker 2 I'm watching. Anyway, let me finish my story here.

Speaker 2 And this is going to sound like I'm making this up, but

Speaker 2 I see the guy, like, as he's talking and as he's about to be handed his candy, he's fidgeting with his pocket and then i'm like what the fuck is going on here

Speaker 2 truly just such a hard dick his dick was so fucking hard for the candy for the candy dude i mean what is the other explanation the person checking him out is an old lady i don't think he was horny for her he's with like his mom or sister or something and and honestly and just and he is wearing gray sweatpants and a huge just big ass

Speaker 2 down syndrome hard on like a huge dick. He had a huge dick and he was trying to hide it.
And I was just like, and I'm just like, I'm like, thank God for this mask.

Speaker 2 Because I would have been like, I'm just like, oh,

Speaker 2 I'm just taking a, I have to take a lap because I'm just like losing. I mean, his dick is hard as shit.
Like, the hard, I'm not joking. I don't know if my dick has ever been that hard in my life.

Speaker 2 It's funny because it's like you think, like. Pointing up, dude.
It's like up. Not out.

Speaker 2 Parents that deal with like a kid with Down syndrome, they look tired, and you're like, oh, that must be be like such a burden to have to take care of them. They're like, No, I've just

Speaker 2 worn out from laughing.

Speaker 2 I'm all laughed out.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking by 3 p.m., I'm like, I've been weeping for hours

Speaker 2 just because he, you know, he like I went to make a sandwich, there's a dick print in the peanut butter.

Speaker 2 He fucked the peanut butter, which you would think would be, you know, it's like, thank God the dog died last year. Otherwise, I'd have to call up the vet,

Speaker 2 getting the medic

Speaker 2 run a rape kit

Speaker 2 oh man that would be funny if they did rape kits for dogs for dogs yeah

Speaker 2 check for other dogs or people raped a little quiet there is that better yeah I think he sounded

Speaker 2 good either way

Speaker 2 um yeah dude it was fucking awesome that guy rocks he was so he was awesome he rocked absolutely it was properly masked up you know

Speaker 2 a good citizen Why put him in his sweatpants? I don't know. You think that's an answer? Because you're struggling with the pants, getting them on them all.
And all of them. They were like, they were.

Speaker 2 I mean, I think he's capable of putting his pants on. It's also very funny.
They were thin and gray. They were specifically the kind of pants if you wanted your penis to look good style.

Speaker 2 If you wanted your penis to look good, you would wear these sweatpants. It's very funny to also imagine the guy that was like, yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm going to give Tina's son a $50 gift card to Best Buy

Speaker 2 for his birthday.

Speaker 2 That's funny. Because you can't just get him a card.
Yeah. You know? Right.

Speaker 2 I mean, you could. You're saying you can or you can't.
You can get him a card and not even put anything in the cards. Nah, you got to get a present.
And then

Speaker 2 you leave it up to the sister to make up what the words say inside.

Speaker 2 You just scribble.

Speaker 2 And then send it. That's it.
Yeah. You write in cursive.
If you can read, Joseph, if you can read this without assistance, I will give you $4 million. Just going up to your

Speaker 2 steps. Your card sucks.
Your stepsister.

Speaker 2 Tina and handing her a card for her retarded son, being like, sorry, it's kind of last minute. Yeah.
And then it's just scribble in the card. And then it's like, what? Are you just going to read it?

Speaker 2 She's like, this is what you got.

Speaker 2 My son is a card that you.

Speaker 2 I didn't have time to come up.

Speaker 2 What am I going to say to him? What the fuck? It doesn't make a difference anyway. It doesn't.
So you want me thinking up three sentences? He's sitting right there. Like, he's a fucking retard.

Speaker 2 The fuck am I going to write in the car?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Understanding everything you said. 100% knowing what's going on.
He's got a job at the same place you work.

Speaker 2 You both work and fucking like pay less.

Speaker 2 He's at the same level. Totally.

Speaker 2 You're like barely outselling. Yeah, he's in the front of the store.
You're in the back.

Speaker 2 He doesn't understand inventory.

Speaker 2 That's the difference between the two.

Speaker 2 Plus, I get pussy. You know what I'm saying? I'm not here getting my dick hard for candy in the next five.

Speaker 2 Damn. Yeah.
Tina thinks she's so special with her fancy retard boy. Oh, this one can read.

Speaker 2 Congrats, Tina. You fucking bitch like that.

Speaker 2 That bitch is always going out. Talking about it.
Oh, if he weren't retarded, he would be a genius.

Speaker 2 I got, if you're going to have a retard, this is the best.

Speaker 2 This is the one to have. This is the one to have.

Speaker 2 I wish they could cure it just so I could see how dumb that fucking boy would be. Go up maybe two points.

Speaker 2 Shit, I got half a mind to find the cure myself. I'm about the flowers for Algernon on this motherfucker.
I could do it.

Speaker 2 I could say I can't.

Speaker 2 Say I can't fucking do it. And that guy just like learns chemistry to make a cure for Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 Still working at payloads. Out of spite, he cures Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 What would the cure be? You add a little bit, you take a little chromosome away? Well, it's definitely not nerd's rope. It's not nerd's rope.
No, we've got

Speaker 2 a lot of anecdotal evidence to back that up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Although maybe there hasn't been

Speaker 2 scientific,

Speaker 2 full clinical trials.

Speaker 2 If you you went in to every cell and chopped up, chopped out a little bit of the chromosome. That is a very sweet story.
I'm incredibly endeared by it. It was so cute.

Speaker 2 Because the first part is you never see a dick that hard, and you're like, awesome. Initially, I didn't want to laugh at it because it's like, yeah, let them get the fucking cancer.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, but it's like, it's pure joy. Where is this going? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally. The hard-ass dick is where it really

Speaker 2 went into Disney movie territory.

Speaker 2 God, there was a I was

Speaker 2 horn.

Speaker 2 Otherwise I would have had a crisis of conscience.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Just

Speaker 2 Schlegel used to have a bit about because he would volunteer with like the Special Olympics and he was just like talking about, I wish I remember the bit, but he's just talking about like what at the end, like they, I think maybe he worked with them and they got their paychecks and every day they just wanted to go to 7-Eleven and just get like a fucking jug of like chocolate milk.

Speaker 2 They are living. They're happier than you'll ever be in your life.
They have the diets of like Glass Weegians. Oh, yeah.
And they eat like

Speaker 2 Highlanders.

Speaker 2 It's just like all fried chicken and fucking macadamia nut cookies.

Speaker 2 Respect. Big, big, big respect.
Yeah. Dude, it was nice being in fucking Baltimore.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Back with the back in back to my roots, dude. Did you eat anything

Speaker 2 nice? Not really. No, yeah.
There was nothing to eat. No.
I went on a little journey,

Speaker 2 a health and wellness excursion. Yeah.
But I basically ate salmon and chicken thighs.

Speaker 2 Broccoli. I went to a restaurant the other night and got like a salmon summer green bowl salad.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Blew my mind. It was good.
Because I've been fucking living on making your own bullshit. Making the shit.
Soilent. Yeah, just the awful food that I made.

Speaker 2 And you're fucking

Speaker 2 fucking, you know, you get a b one of the fr the bags of pulled rotisserie chicken from Costco.

Speaker 2 Open that bad boy up, let it sit in the fridge maybe a month past the sell-by date. It's cooked.
It's already cooked. It's already cooked, but now it's dried out, you know, very rubbery.
Yep.

Speaker 2 So you mash it. Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Salad dressing. Mash chicken and salsa with with a side of peanut butter.

Speaker 2 Now, time to make fun of retarded people.

Speaker 2 To the tune of

Speaker 2 hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 Why would anyone listen to it? Let alone pay for it.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 I hit the fish market up. But yeah, I don't know.
I accidentally got into Japanese shit while I was gone. Accidentally? Yeah, not on purpose.
I know. You don't have a lot of respect for those people.

Speaker 2 I do. I absolutely do.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I got into Japanese shit non-animate division. Let me be very

Speaker 2 movies.

Speaker 2 Books and music. You're reading Japanese books? Well, my friend had some Murakami books.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I read a couple of those, which were straight.

Speaker 2 They were very pleasant, but the books that I read, it seems the whole point of the books is a guy gets frenzone, but he still wants you to know he gets pussy.

Speaker 2 That's the whole vibe.

Speaker 2 He's like, it's a guy that loves a mentally ill woman. She doesn't want to fuck him.
And he's sad, but he gets pussy from other girls. But he's just trying to get on that crazy pussy.

Speaker 2 He's a guy who... Clearly, Murakami has been rejected by a lot of girls with BPD.

Speaker 2 That's the whole vibe. That's an artist kind of thing.
But I will say, very pleasant reads. There's one where Japanese people go to Greece.
Love that.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's the answer. That's the end.
A couple.

Speaker 2 You were looking for books where people go to Greece. No, I didn't wasn't.
What do I care? And you're like a chink.

Speaker 2 First of all, we'll take a look. First of all,

Speaker 2 the Japanese are famous tourists.

Speaker 2 I've seen since my youth.

Speaker 2 And maybe when I was seven, I was like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 The first time I saw Japanese people with their fucking cameras and shit at the fucking Parthenon. You know,

Speaker 2 it's weird. I guess I never saw a Japanese tourist.

Speaker 2 I just remember that stereotype from the movie Gremlins 2, where the Japanese guy is always like, oh, take a picture. Right.
I will say that. Let's take a picture.

Speaker 2 Take a picture. Classic.
I'll kinda win. Take a picture.

Speaker 2 I will say that is. I want to be the producer that was like, you know, like they've like Gremlins 2 was done.
They're like, yeah,

Speaker 2 let's put like a Japanese guy in here that's stereotyping.

Speaker 2 I don't remember his role, but I will say there's Japanese people. It might be one scene.
And

Speaker 2 that is the only thing I remember from Gremlins 2. Is that the one where there's a game? There's a Japanese guy that's got cameras hanging off his neck.

Speaker 2 And I remember as a kid being like, someone explained to me, they're like, they love taking pictures. It's a joke about Japanese people.
Right, right. Is Gremlins 2 where they go to the mall?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like a TV story. It's a mall.

Speaker 2 I don't remember. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The very evil guy is back. I barely remember Gremlins Muan.
Yeah, I just remember Magwai never turns into a gremlin, right? I remember the

Speaker 2 pure and ghost. I remember the black one.

Speaker 2 The ghetto gremlins. Yeah.
Spike? No, wasn't it like Gremlins in the Hood or something? Oh, that's Leprechaun. Leprechaun, okay.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 You used those franchises. Yeah.
I saw the original. They're very different, first of all, and I'm not sure.
They're kind of the same thing. Not even.

Speaker 2 I don't know. They're scary movies about little malls.
They're not, first of all. One is a pure horror comedy leprechaun.

Speaker 2 The second is more heartwarming. It's about a boy and his fucking...
It's about a boy and his little baby that he never wants to get pussy. I think gremlins is an allegory for getting pussy.

Speaker 2 You turn into a gremlin once you get a little drop of pussy juice on your tongue after midnight. You know, you can also

Speaker 2 give the gremlins smokable CBD.

Speaker 2 really yeah from cushy dreams.com you could also give them to kids legally yeah you can give cushy dreams to kids i'm gonna say that yeah if you want a high quality cbd product that you can smoke up your fucking nephew whether he has a mental disability or not you can smoke up your hard up you know your hard dick hard dick warrior fucking with down syndrome getting candy yeah yeah you can give your your kid a little shotgun you know hit a bomb absolutely shotgunning is definitely

Speaker 2 You don't want to trust them with the Bic Lighters. The most important thing is that you smoke your CBD because you can.
Because you can. Which is the slogan.
Which is a very, very good ass slogan.

Speaker 2 From

Speaker 2 Cushy Dreams and also the slogan of Down syndrome. Eat your nerves rope.

Speaker 2 Who's going to say? Who's going to say shit? Spend your $50 best buy gift card.

Speaker 2 Because you fucking can, bitch. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Freaking,

Speaker 2 don't know about you fellas, but I love

Speaker 2 this story. It's a story about a guy with Down syndrome that gets like a gift card.
Like some asshole relative gives a retarded, it's a rich relative.

Speaker 2 He gives a retarded guy a $300 gift card to Best Buy for his birthday. He's coked out of his mind.
Sure. The sister's like, great, thanks.
They take him there.

Speaker 2 The retarded guy doesn't know what to spend the money on.

Speaker 2 It's the exact right price for Alexa. And then it's a love story between

Speaker 2 the retarded guy and Alexa. Wow.
He falls in love with Alexa. It's like a better version of her.
It is a better version of her. A more likable protagonist.
He's honestly a more believer.

Speaker 2 Herbert requires all of this extra stuff. And he's like, he's like, Alexa, I love you.
And she's like, it's 73 degrees outside.

Speaker 2 And he's like, oh, I've got to kiss you.

Speaker 2 And it's that for maybe 90 minutes. And he's trying to find Alexa the whole time.
She's invisible.

Speaker 2 Get out of there. He's somewhere.
Get out of the box. Come out of there.
And then eventually he fucks the

Speaker 2 echo speaker. Yeah, yeah, the echo dog.

Speaker 2 And afterwards, how does he relax? With some high-quality

Speaker 2 nerds rope and cushion drinky drinks.

Speaker 2 That's a good dinner. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It's also Joaquin Phoenix.
Yeah. Oh, for sure.
He would love it. Absolutely.
Hey, Murray.

Speaker 2 When you bring me out, can you call me Joker?

Speaker 2 Sure thing, Joker.

Speaker 2 Anything you want, Arthur.

Speaker 2 Now, we have a very special boy here tonight.

Speaker 2 Get a load of this clown.

Speaker 2 Get a load of

Speaker 2 here he is in the Amazon Echo aisle at Best Buy trying to have sex with one of the machines.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 If that's what Murray did. Murray, you made fun of me on the show and everybody laughed at him.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, Arthur.

Speaker 2 If that's how he actually behaved, then he should die. Yeah.
If it's a show where you bring retarded people to mock them on TV, I mean, that is kind of what happened. That's what happened.

Speaker 2 He wasn't retarded. Yeah, he's borderline.

Speaker 2 As a society, we have to draw a line somewhere. Who's protected and who's not? The Joker character was a mentally disabled man.
Yeah, he was neuroatypical. Because he didn't smoke enough.

Speaker 2 Didn't smoke enough kushy dreams. Didn't smoke enough kochi dreams, which ships legally to all 50 states.

Speaker 2 Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes. That's such a fucking dynamic.

Speaker 2 Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies. I want to smoke their CBD.
I hate vapes.

Speaker 2 Join the group that I'm in.

Speaker 2 Gentlemen, welcome to the group of people. Welcome to the group of adults.

Speaker 2 Extraordinary group of adults. Welcome to it.
We got tired of eating gummies and looking like retarded people at best by

Speaker 2 how should be a way to smoke that she did.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of looking like I have Down syndrome.

Speaker 2 It's not my fault I have a permanent erection

Speaker 2 because I took too much Viagra during the filming of Entrapment.

Speaker 2 Oh, he took Viagra just to be hard? Just to impress

Speaker 2 him was trying to steal Catherine Theta

Speaker 2 away from Michael Douglas. Is he still alive, Sean Connery?

Speaker 2 I think so.

Speaker 2 He had sex.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately. Is this what you want, Catherine? You want me and Sean to have sex?

Speaker 2 No? Well, it's too late. It's too late, I think.
It's too late. Me and him fucked.

Speaker 2 Understand that. You see what I'm saying? We met up, and we had sex.

Speaker 2 The attention of detail is noticeable.

Speaker 2 By the way, Catherine. By the way, in every beautiful flower,

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Speaker 2 Why are there links in ad copy?

Speaker 2 That's not a good idea.

Speaker 2 We'll click the link. Yes, we had sex.

Speaker 2 I fucked his ass. I fucked Michael Douglas in the ass

Speaker 2 While smoking some cushy dreams pre-region. Grown in California and Oregon,

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Speaker 2 They take the artisan approach. I I don't know.
Actually,

Speaker 2 I got back into smoking this shit. It's nice.
It is legitimately nice. I love just

Speaker 2 blasting coffee in the morning, getting myself really fucking wired, feeling like absolute dog shit, and then fixing it with different drugs. CBD, high-quality CBD from coffee.
Which streams?

Speaker 2 I used to, when I was in my drinking days,

Speaker 2 the fucking, that 11 a.m., the noon switch, when you go from too much coffee to when the booze in the middle of the morning. It's too little fucking whiskey.
And

Speaker 2 the booze and the the the coffee due to like arm wrestle

Speaker 2 yeah absolutely you know yeah you get like 20 minutes where it's awesome yeah it's the best where you found your cocktail and then the alcohol starts winning

Speaker 2 yeah i had one day i was in

Speaker 2 some museum

Speaker 2 and i had drank too much coffee and then i started drinking beer in the the museum cafe respect and i started getting a little drunk getting drunk off 11 museum beers yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, screw. This rock.

Speaker 2 It's a perfect morning. I love culture.
I'm a genius. I'm an intellectual and I'm trashed.

Speaker 2 Just going up to women, like, you know, you ever look at this painting? What's up, bitch? You ever talk about Picasso? Ah, the museum.

Speaker 2 Get away

Speaker 2 at the Natural History Museum talking about paintings.

Speaker 2 Where are those gay ass rocks here? Ah, in front of her diary, I've read it.

Speaker 2 Get away. Marcia, come with us, please.
Sir, do not talk to my daughter. She's not allowed to have sex with anyone but me.

Speaker 2 Only I will have sex with my daughter as part of a lease agreement.

Speaker 2 With

Speaker 2 if you want to fuck my daughter, it's 12-month lease on the pussy.

Speaker 2 We need first and last month,

Speaker 2 40 times income,

Speaker 2 100% hand trim. Every machine.

Speaker 2 Organic farming practices. Selection includes indoor exotic strains.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.
So the indoor, Indian girl's titty is one of the strains. It's my favorite strain.
You suck on it.

Speaker 2 Indian Gamer Girl titty.

Speaker 2 Indoor exotic strains. It's pretty exotic.
That's me smoking some of that.

Speaker 2 I get like 15 emails a day from either Donald Trump or his son. Really? Why? I don't know.
People sign me up for like every single account. Oh, that's a good prank.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That'll really get on your nerves. Well, the rest of them you just mark as spam and then you never get them again.
But you want to get Donald. The Donald ones are very funny.
What does he say?

Speaker 2 I mean, I got one earlier today because I don't ever click on it. Actually, what Donald says is to go to cushydreams.com, K-U-S-H-Y, officially sponsor by Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 And use promo code.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 they've got drugs, and then they've got this, and it's different. It's like for white people.

Speaker 2 It's weed, but it's for white people. That's right.
And you don't have to, you don't, you know, you're not going to go to jail.

Speaker 2 You can do whatever. When you're a star, you can do any drug you want.

Speaker 2 Smokable flour, three lines, private reserve, ultra premium, premium. They come in eights, whatever.
Go to the white. Yeah, just go to cushydreams.com.
Just go to kushydreams.com.

Speaker 2 Make sure you don't go to cushydreams.com because that is child pornography.

Speaker 2 It's fat eight-year-olds. Okay, and we didn't send you there.
Yeah, that's you got to, they should probably, they should have checked. They should have bought that one.

Speaker 2 They should have made sure because CUSHY is morbidly obese six and seven-year-olds,

Speaker 2 you know, going

Speaker 2 getting taken to town. I see.
Wow.

Speaker 2 That's gross, huh?

Speaker 2 At checkout, use promo code ComeTown for 20% off your first order. Smoke your CBD because you can.
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Speaker 2 That shit is nice.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 I've been off,

Speaker 2 I haven't even fucking had caffeine.

Speaker 2 And I haven't smoked weed, but I think I'm going to dabble with the CBD train.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking Fitbit that tracks my sleep, and I don't get very good sleep, it turns out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm back on the CBD train, I suppose. I don't know.
I'll dabble.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'll start smoking weed again.

Speaker 2 I need to find it. I'll take a ride on my fantastic penis.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. But so I read more comic books, and then I also have been getting into some fucking Japanese, like

Speaker 2 some piano-type music.

Speaker 2 I was getting into instrumentals, and I came across a guy named Shijio Sakito.

Speaker 2 That guy's got bangers, dude.

Speaker 2 Sean McCartney recommended or Sean McCarthy. Who's Sean McCartney? From the Beatles.
From the Beatles, right? The Irish Beatles.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the Irish invasion back in the 60s.

Speaker 2 Come on, girl, I want to get you pregnant. I can't do anything about it.
I want to hit, I want to punch your face. I want to work as an electrician and knock you up 30 times

Speaker 2 i want to make it i want to destroy your body with children before you're 30.

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 recommended uh sean yes this book the godfather of the kremlin is fucking wild oh interesting have you read it out no oh you just said mario puzzo you just said it knowingly i thought you were gonna say the godfather no and then i would have been like i honestly might read the godfather yeah yeah i heard the book's not very good but i've not read it.

Speaker 2 You know, Michael Corleo was supposed to be a big blonde guy. Wow.
And fucking Al Pacino's a little-ass fucking dark.

Speaker 2 What do you mean he was supposed to be a big blonde guy? Like in the books, he's a big blonde woman. Wow.
Like Dolph Lundren? Like, you've seen those big blonde Italians.

Speaker 2 Dolph Lundgren just being like... It's kind of a northern one.
I'm actually going back home to join my family's business. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's just doing karate.

Speaker 2 There should have been more karate than Godfather.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was in the army for a while. I learned karate.

Speaker 2 You know, during the war, I went over and I did karate against him.

Speaker 2 They needed a guy to do karate. To do karate.

Speaker 2 Chris Ruckin might have been the right age, huh?

Speaker 2 To play him?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just, I can't do young Pacino. I can't do pre-screaming Pacino.
Of course. Screaming Pacino is too good, too easy.
But young Pacino, he's subtle.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants me to do karate.

Speaker 2 That's not even good either. That's just screaming.
It's fine, dude. It's enough.
It's enough.

Speaker 2 Give the fucking piggies their slop. How about this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there it is. There's a fresh lady.
Michael Douglas Corleone.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Wow. We'll do one impression.

Speaker 2 Michael Douglas Corleone. How did it take us so long to get here?

Speaker 2 You come to me.

Speaker 2 My daughter's wife.

Speaker 2 You don't even suck my dinner.

Speaker 2 Maybe you can

Speaker 2 go.

Speaker 2 You don't even have the car to say.

Speaker 2 I was wondering, maybe we could

Speaker 2 put your penis in my

Speaker 2 see.

Speaker 2 See ya Donegal Blumo.

Speaker 2 They come into my shop every day and they fuck me in my ass

Speaker 2 every morning. It's fucking, fucking, fucking and they leave me and I'm filled with cop.

Speaker 2 Have you tried calling the police?

Speaker 2 The police don't care about sexual assault.

Speaker 2 They only care about keep making sure Wall Street is something

Speaker 2 they are here to protect the private property, not Italian as a whole. To be honest with you, no, I didn't even bother calling because I saw a thing on Instagram that said don't.

Speaker 2 My whole sexual history will go on on track.

Speaker 2 I used to be a slat at Donegal the Bloom.

Speaker 2 I shouldn't have been wearing

Speaker 2 a little

Speaker 2 tattoo suit you could see on my balls. Yes, I was on sick and arranged.

Speaker 2 Oh no, Donegal Bloom thinks they have to be

Speaker 2 antiquated. Come here asking for a favor, and you're wearing a gimp costume.

Speaker 2 You've got on a thong.

Speaker 2 You're wearing a asshole-less pants.

Speaker 2 The

Speaker 2 the top says, Please rape me.

Speaker 2 These are the only clothes I could afford

Speaker 2 because Because my family,

Speaker 2 we come here and we don't have any money.

Speaker 2 It's what I wear on the bottom for Italy.

Speaker 2 That would be genius. I'll tell you what I do.
I'll lease you new clothes

Speaker 2 for 780%

Speaker 2 interest back.

Speaker 2 Don't goblin, thank you.

Speaker 2 But if you don't have the money, guess who's being turned out? We're going to take you to a whorehouse, and then you'll be raped all day long every day.

Speaker 2 And I'll sell you to the boo, the boo, because

Speaker 2 it's not a good mafia movie unless they say the

Speaker 2 script. I'm reading this.
They should do it in like a completely throwaway manner. Yeah.
Like just a scene, like just

Speaker 2 insert a scene in The Goodfellas where fucking Releota comes downstairs and then the toast is burned and he's like, What the hell is this? Boop toast?

Speaker 2 Just goes right back. You got it.
It goes right back to the complete. There's no reason,

Speaker 2 no reason for the scene.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, what the hell is this? Boop toast, yeah. He wakes up, he gets a call from Robert De Niro.
He's like, All right, I'm coming right away. It seems like he's gonna get into his car, but no.

Speaker 2 We take a stop to the kitchen where he picks up the toast.

Speaker 2 He's gonna put the toast in the car, and then it cuts to him eating,

Speaker 2 and then it cuts to him making a coffee with Robert De Niro in a different location.

Speaker 2 He's going to a food place,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's getting breakfast. He's going to a diner.

Speaker 2 Yes, that's right.

Speaker 2 Oh, fucked it.

Speaker 2 God damn. I have an opinion.
You have an opinion. Please, Donna Godbloomer, I have an opinion.
Maybe we could do some illegal online gambling. Okay.

Speaker 2 At mybookie.ag, the premier illegal sports book. Sounds illegal to me.
Totally unauthorized. Primas, totally.
I love that.

Speaker 2 There was like a thing with strategy guys is that like fucking Nintendo is going to be like, fucking, don't tell people how to beat the game.

Speaker 2 Do not tell them how to cheat at a game they already bought.

Speaker 2 It's unauthorized.

Speaker 2 Absolutely, completely unauthorized. You're fucked up.

Speaker 2 You're going to go to jail. You're going to have sex with a guy

Speaker 2 in prison. This might make you gay.

Speaker 2 Beating Zelda might make you gay. You might become a girl.
You're good. They're going to turn you into a girl.

Speaker 2 I walked past this story the other day. They just had on the window, it's like, transition with style.

Speaker 2 It's like, are you joking? No, I'm serious. God damn.
Oh, yeah, I've seen it. It's women's

Speaker 2 preying on people that are already struggling through transition. Well, the thing is, is like

Speaker 2 get ready to be a woman. You're going to be sold all this shit.
Well, what other point is there?

Speaker 2 I guess that's what I'm saying. I mean, it's not like they, like, isn't the whole idea that they can go shop at any store?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's like a genderless store in Manhattan. Do you see that place? No.
It's like

Speaker 2 no gender fashion. Yeah, but they still just sell shirts and shorts and fucking.
Yeah, it's all the same clothes.

Speaker 2 There's just no sign that says women's. It's branded as you could be a guy or a girl.
Which is every clothes. Which is all the clothes, right? It's a new story.

Speaker 2 That's also what fucking Burlington Coat Factory is like. And Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.
Yes.

Speaker 2 No, but fucking Hollywood brand is on the fucking Ravens. I'll tell you that much.
Take it away, boys.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 the Oakland Raiders or the Las Vegas Raiders are a 2-0. Congratulations.
Congratulations. You're in the hometown prize.
My hometown. I was just there this weekend.

Speaker 2 Adam is actually up $4,000 because he bet on the Las Vegas Raiders. I bet the house on the Raiders.

Speaker 2 Beating the Saints. He took the money line.
We beat him in Monday night football, and I'm fucking rich.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something, guys. MyBookie.ag, what a website.

Speaker 2 It's an awesome website. It's a website.
It's on an app. Or Or an app or whatever it is.
Well, whatever it is. It's a great gambling destination.

Speaker 2 And what we like about it is how easy it is to put money into it, to wager. Right.
Whether that's NFL games. We've got the NBA final.

Speaker 2 We've got the Western Conference and Eastern Conference finals going on right now. We're going to have the finals coming up.

Speaker 2 No matter what it is you want to bet on.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Myboogie.ag has that.

Speaker 2 You can really bet with style there.

Speaker 2 I like to load it up, put on a white tuxedo, bow tie, eye patch, like I'm a guy facing off against James Bond. Absolutely.
Right?

Speaker 2 Yep, because that's how I went. You put green felt on your dinner table.
Exactly. And you pretend you're playing poker.
And then I put my cell phone down and I bet the house. You bet the house.

Speaker 2 And I always win. That's the thing about mybookie.ag.

Speaker 2 You're guaranteed to win every bet you place. You always win, and up to $1,000 will match your deposit.
That's right.

Speaker 2 That's a win for me.

Speaker 2 That's a win. I would only recommend the service to my listeners.
It's been good to me.

Speaker 2 That's why my bookie is always the right place.

Speaker 2 You bet, you win, they pay. They pay, motherfucker.
They pay. We're not going to pay.
Aren't you familiar with how casinos and gambling works?

Speaker 2 You pay, you win, they pay. That's how it works.
Have you ever heard of somebody's life being ruined by gambling?

Speaker 2 Never once. It is is a terrible industry to get into.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make any sense for them. Because

Speaker 2 they're losing money. But guess what? They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

Speaker 2 That's true. They actually will suck your dick.
They'll suck your cock.

Speaker 2 You log on to mybookie.ag. They've got the most rewarding player perks in business.
And for you fantasy guys out there, they actually have a Chinese woman that will suck your cock.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and she'll fan you. Yeah.
Yeah. She'll fan you while you place your bet on the Cleveland Browns.
You can even bet the over-under on how many fantasy points a player will score each game.

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Speaker 2 Let's visit MyBookie online today. That's my bookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-K-E.
And don't forget to use

Speaker 2 a bookie. Oh, K-I-O-E.
Use it, K-I-K-E. Yeah, why'd you put it? My bookie.
I guess. Wait, can you back up one second?

Speaker 2 How did that? I'm sorry. It's

Speaker 2 M-Y-C-O-O-N-K-I-K-E.

Speaker 2 No, it's not.

Speaker 2 Now I get it. That's definitely wrong.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 These are all slip of the tongues. It's all, you know,

Speaker 2 Come Town is in there. I'm jumping.
I have dyslexia. Sure.

Speaker 2 There's no K in Come Town.

Speaker 2 It's M-Y-B-O-O. There's a C in Come Town, and when I read it.
Not A Town, my brain, because I'm always like, I process information. I know that, dude.

Speaker 2 So I see Come Town, and

Speaker 2 now it's just C-O-O-N. It's goes to the bottom.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Stop spelling that. Stop, you know.
What is that? It's the first time that's ever happened. But Spike Lee says it all the time.
Don't spell it. Don't say it.
See,

Speaker 2 now you're admitting that you're thinking the word. It's not a dyslexic.

Speaker 2 Because Adam's wearing a hat. Spike Lee's not wearing a hat.

Speaker 2 He's wearing headphones. At one point in the last week or so, I remember seeing him wearing a hat.
That's not true. And Spike Lee wears hats.
I was thinking of Spike Lee.

Speaker 2 A lot of people wear hats. There are words that Spike Lee uses.

Speaker 2 He doesn't even particularly say it that often. I don't know.
I don't know. Is that like just a trademark word?

Speaker 2 Spike Lee has used it once or twice while I'm describing somebody. Publicly.
Adam has worn hats. I'm reading an ad.
It's just, it kind of comes together. Listen, we know that it is

Speaker 2 a gross syllable standard that society allows Spike Lee to say that word, but you're not allowed to say that word. I will not go that far.
Or even

Speaker 2 I do not agree with that. Well, that was your idea.
And I think we should kind of move past end the read and just move paste.

Speaker 2 I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway.

Speaker 2 How about that?

Speaker 2 That's what, you know, you were talking about double standards. That's true.
Now, I agree.

Speaker 2 I would love to do just an awful stand-up side and be like, I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway. Just keep waiting for people to laugh.

Speaker 2 And if they do laugh, be like, also, I should be able to scream

Speaker 2 if he can say it. If he can say it, he's just fucking speeding, driving willy-nilly, saying the word laugh.

Speaker 2 I can't. I'm sitting here in traffic.
I got more of a need for it. I thought

Speaker 2 I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic while this fuck boop is dropping.

Speaker 2 That is how

Speaker 2 first setup calls him that.

Speaker 2 That's a quarantine.

Speaker 2 The comedy clubs are back. Get back out there.

Speaker 2 My bookie online today. That's my bookie.

Speaker 2 Comedians are taking it to the business. Don't forget to use the promo code ComeTown when creating your account to claim the bonus.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love coming.

Speaker 2 That's good, man. I love the idea of a switcheroo.
You think it's going to just be like a dog shit bit, and then it's actually horrifically obscene. So racist.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So racist. That's actually.

Speaker 2 I did that with Matt Stovald and Oven Mike one time.

Speaker 2 I didn't have the courage to do it. So I wrote him a set basically that was just the fucking hackiest jokes.
Yeah. It was like four minutes of the hackiest jokes we could write.

Speaker 2 And then just like a horrific thing at the end about like, I was helping my son with his homework. Just like super clean, like bullshit.
About

Speaker 2 helping his son with his homework or whatever. And then someone helping him with history.
And they're doing a World War II segment. And they got pictures from the camps in there.

Speaker 2 And it's like, I mean, folks, can we talk about this? Like,

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, those Jews had small dicks.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That's just something I'm thinking about.

Speaker 2 I'll see you later. When anybody just

Speaker 2 went up and did it, it's so hard.

Speaker 2 People were all like confused

Speaker 2 because it was like the first part of the set. He was like talking about how his wife just had twins.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like, these fucking Jews. Yeah, bro.
And their little ass Holocaust dicks. Yeah, it's funny.
And now that I think about it again, I enjoyed it a lot. That's good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no one knew what was going on. I mean, no one was paying attention.
Right. You know, it was just this, like, let's just, instead of working on our acts,

Speaker 2 instead of becoming better comedians,

Speaker 2 let's just waste our time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Four hours. We waste our time.
Might be one of the only mics for a couple days. Yeah.
Let's not work on anything.

Speaker 2 Let's just fucking

Speaker 2 do one for us. And by us, I mean me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You just peer pressuring Stovewell, who's definitely trying to work on his act. Yeah.
While you did something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 All right. Yeah.
Sounds good. Yeah, sounds good, man.
All right. Shouts out to Stovewall.
A good guy right there, Matt Stovewall. He was one of my first comedy buddies.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Me and him used to hang out. Shouts out to

Speaker 2 the good old high tops. Sams, man.
Samson McCormick, Keith the comedian. Oh, Samson, yeah.
Yeah. Lawrence Owens.
Keith. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck Keith.

Speaker 2 Keith just started using his real name, which I don't know. I just know him as Keith the comedian.
I think I know him, but yeah, I don't know him as Keith the comedian.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me, him, and Samson used to hit mics and shit. Nice.

Speaker 2 Back in probably what, like, 2005. Wow.
Yeah. God damn.
Nobody knew who fucking Obama was either. The Bush years.
No idea how bad things would get.

Speaker 2 I remember one guy, he did a bit in 08 about the Iowa caucuses, and he was like, and Hillary's going to win the cock ass.

Speaker 2 I mean, why is it called the cockass? She's getting some cock in her ass.

Speaker 2 I was just like, that's pretty funny. And Ellis was with me at this open mic, and we're just applauding.
Which open mic?

Speaker 2 It was a fucking, it was at Irwin's open mic.

Speaker 2 He went the cock ass direction, not the cock kissed or

Speaker 2 at E.J.'s Landing. EJ's Landing, bro.
It was this old guy, I don't remember, Martin something.

Speaker 2 Just awesome. Just an old white man.
Did a couple open mics for like two months. Yeah.
But he's seared into my memory

Speaker 2 for cock ass. And he did that, by the way, every time I saw him.

Speaker 2 He did cock ass. Two months later.
Respect.

Speaker 2 What an embarrassing thing to have done comedy. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm going back.
I'm fucking. I don't even know.
Dude, honestly,

Speaker 2 nature gave us an out. And part of me is like, take it.
Don't do stand-up ever again.

Speaker 2 But I don't know, man. Well, it's funny because, like, I feel like

Speaker 2 if everyone just waited until everything was done and then they reopened the clubs, whoever has the capital to reopen the clubs, then it could survive.

Speaker 2 But they're going to push the outdoor show thing. Then it's going to happen.
And

Speaker 2 people are going to hate it because comedy is just going to be associated with these dog shit outdoor shows.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 it'll be the outdoor shows that kill it.

Speaker 2 And it's like,

Speaker 2 what's that quote about Nixon? The recipe is worse than the dessert.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yep. And some ingredients

Speaker 2 with the pudding is worse than the frosting. The details taste better than the recipe.

Speaker 2 That famous quote. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. Shouts out to fucking Dick Nixon.
The devil is in my penis. My penis can't get hard.
I must be sucked.

Speaker 2 My cock has to get sucked. God damn it.
I just want my. That's like, what if there's just a shit ton of tapes?

Speaker 2 If Nixon had like a laptop, if they had that back in the 70s.

Speaker 2 and he's like, well,

Speaker 2 what do I want to beat off today?

Speaker 2 What am I going to jack my dick to?

Speaker 2 This afternoon, Chester. He's an incredibly paranoid man.
So he recorded himself master base. Is the door locked? Make sure the door is locked.

Speaker 2 It's time I look at

Speaker 2 pornography on my laptop. I'm going to look at pornography.
Here I go.

Speaker 2 Put a pen in my ass. www.cu s h y d r e a m s

Speaker 2 dot c o n

Speaker 2 not to be confused with

Speaker 2 c ush y d r e a m s dot c o m because that's child pornography.

Speaker 2 This is a different website. It's not child pornography.
And it's racist. It's racist pornography.
Racist pornography.

Speaker 2 What was Mrs. Nixon looking like?

Speaker 2 Oh, she was fire.

Speaker 2 She was actually taking this back. I actually don't think Nixon fucked.
He was a Quaker, but he wasn't cool. Like, he was a Quaker, but he wasn't chill.
You know how hard that is? You don't fight.

Speaker 2 You don't do shit. Although, wait, he was a Quaker.
He's out there bombing fucking Laos and shit. Well, that was the Jew that made him do it.
That's true.

Speaker 2 You LaOcean boy, ain't you?

Speaker 2 I got to rewatch King of the Hill. You do.
It's on Hulu, bro. Yeah.
Fucking fly through that bitch. I know your kind.
No, you lay ocean boy. You a lay ocean boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to Cotton. Damn.
Cotton's wife could get it. That cartoon.
Yeah. I would love to fuck Cotton's wife.
I would love to fuck Luann, obviously. I'll sell gay sex and gay sex accessories.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 And what accessories do I sell? He asked,

Speaker 2 I was just watching an episode where they put him in the all-Asian country club because Kyger wouldn't visit unless they had one non-Asian.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 to test

Speaker 2 the Asian guy about whether he actually wanted to be friends, he asked him, what and what accessories do I sell?

Speaker 2 And he could not come up with it. Oh, my gosh.
He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember.

Speaker 2 I'll sell pussy and pussy accessories.

Speaker 2 I would love

Speaker 2 to get pussy. It was a a little Indian summer today.
It was really nice out. Has it been cold here the last couple of months? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, really? Like, broke out fall. Damn.
Right away.

Speaker 2 I missed that shit. It was kind of.

Speaker 2 It was kind of hot down there. I was thinking about doing my yearly track suit purchase.
What do you think? What do you go? I don't know.

Speaker 2 You should go Juicy Couture of Allure. Yeah.
Like a Jewish girl in 2003. Yeah.
Don't try and take that off for Jews. That's what.
Everybody was cracking those shits back then.

Speaker 2 Well, I just remember them,

Speaker 2 you know, with the Uggs. Of course.
The bad attitudes.

Speaker 2 I was back home visiting my dad.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he's like, what do you want to watch? And we were on HBO. I said, let's watch Bill Maher.
Let's see what that's all about.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. It's so funny what that is now.
What's he up to? He's just so fucking defeated.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 his monologue was great. It was great watching it with my dad, but he was just like,

Speaker 2 yeah, because the fires, they say it's not safe to go outside for sensitive groups. So that excludes millennials.
Oh, my fucking God. And my dad just turns to me and goes, that's quite right.

Speaker 2 That's quite right.

Speaker 2 Millennials are like 67.

Speaker 2 Millennials are old. We're 31.

Speaker 2 We're not even the old. We're not the oldest.
Millennials are in their 40s now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 God. It's like once something makes it to those mothers, like once a certain group knows, like, Woke has been dead for years because everyone knows it.
Gen Xers are all dead. They all died in 9-11.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They're all in the towers.
Yeah, from AIDS. Yep.

Speaker 2 And from moshing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They love moshing. Yeah, they invent, they got it too into moshing.
They love moshing and then what else? Gene jackets.

Speaker 2 Moshing and joshing. Moshing and joshing.
That was Kevin Smith's first movie. That's true.

Speaker 2 A couple guys go to, they're on their way to a Pantera concert, and they're in the van, and they're, you know, like having really just, really cool conversations. Like,

Speaker 2 you know, like

Speaker 2 Indiana Jones.

Speaker 2 How come we never see the museum? Where's the museum?

Speaker 2 How come we see even a fucking ausseller? He's a professor, but we never see him teaching a class. Yeah, what college? And the other guy's like...

Speaker 2 He's teaching a class in the first scene.

Speaker 2 That's where they get him from. That's where they'll start.

Speaker 2 That's the museum. Like, yeah, yeah, but why don't we see it? And he's like, what are you talking about? I just said that we see it.
And he's like, my girlfriend sucks too. Sucks up a hundred guys.

Speaker 2 He was edgier in the beginning. They were all black.
He was racist.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I'm just pissed off. I can't remember the details of that movie because I'm mad about my girlfriend sucking too many cops.

Speaker 2 You understand. So, what's your dude with your name? He's like, Dante or something? That's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 I guess people have weird names.

Speaker 2 I saw him at an airport in LaGuardia. Kevin Smith.
How's he looking, man? He's looking

Speaker 2 thin, actually. He lost weight.
But with honestly, he's got a little bit of the neck, though. It used to be fat guy neck going on.
The turkey neck.

Speaker 2 And if he can't get rid of it, then what chance do I have? No, we're going to get rid of it. I have to stay fat.
You're going to look like Roger Ebert. Dude, no.
Roger Ebert had no fucking jaw.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what he literally looked like.

Speaker 2 Why? From not being fat?

Speaker 2 From your multiple mouth surgery i'm not gonna get mouth surgery you already got one i did stavros has a tooth by the way guys i don't know if we've acknowledged this yet but you're looking incredibly handsome i didn't know

Speaker 2 thanks bro i didn't really realize how bad of a look it was

Speaker 2 to be

Speaker 2 yeah it's a pretty funny look you're a fucking adonis now dude thank you for saying that i'm i'm quite impressed with the job they did i didn't even notice your tooth was missing to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I saw the Instagram post and people talking about it, and I was like,

Speaker 2 Wallace is news to me.

Speaker 2 I had no idea.

Speaker 2 You didn't know I didn't have a tooth this whole last two years. Yeah, I had.
You had no idea. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess when you're so attracted to a person, you probably just smelled my pheromones and were under a trance. I'm anosmic.
I can't smell pheromones. What's a nosmic? That's why I'm

Speaker 2 sounds like a kind of a Jewish guy from Persia. It's when you can't smell.
No, it isn't. Yeah, it is.
You can't smell? It's A nose mick.

Speaker 2 Is it Irish nose? No, the the root of the word it's a a means n na no. No.

Speaker 2 Nas is Greek for nose. No, it isn't.
Yeah it is. Mithi means nose.

Speaker 2 And mick is the way you add things to words to make them mean stuff. Mm-hmm.
That's true. Yeah.
Meeti is the Greek for nose, dude. It's not nas

Speaker 2 I don't think you know who you are, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm going to challenge him.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go. Why don't you challenge his fucking pricks?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Why don't you challenge this fucking prick Adele? He's going to use a lifeline.
He's calling his sister who's got a retarded son with a giant penis.

Speaker 2 Hey, Tina. It's Mike.
Hey, what's up?

Speaker 2 We don't have much time here, so I'm going to get through it. A retarded person's penis is A, 13 inches long, B, 15 inches long, C, 2 and a half feet long, or D, they don't have penises.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll see you at Uncle Steve's funeral, Dave.

Speaker 2 Come on, Timmy.

Speaker 2 I'm on the show.

Speaker 2 I'm about to win $50.

Speaker 2 I need you to answer that. Please, this guy that's- I'm down to my last lifeline.
This black guy that sounds like Regis is going to give me $50

Speaker 2 if I know the answer to this question. This is my last lifeline.
I've used all of them. It's the first question.

Speaker 2 The $50, he can get him more nerd drop. I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 Just help me out here. Pull it out.

Speaker 2 Oh. You ran out of time.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'm just, yeah, this is really stressful for me because I've seen his penis,

Speaker 2 but I've never measured it. And I'm trying to think, you know, the dog's mouth is probably...

Speaker 2 You know, it's like, am I allowed to, can I use my phone and look up the size of the

Speaker 2 dog's mouth? Skippy jar.

Speaker 2 How much the depth of a skippy jar? No, you can't.

Speaker 2 Can someone from the audience yell it out like Price is right?

Speaker 2 Nobody do that. Nobody do it.

Speaker 2 In fact, I think that was already one of the lifelines. I think

Speaker 2 that's kind of how the show is structured.

Speaker 2 There was an ask in the audience,

Speaker 2 and we had to sort the kinks out of that because some guy would always vote the N-word

Speaker 2 somehow.

Speaker 2 Figured out how to hack it.

Speaker 2 He rewrote the code. 1% said the N-word.

Speaker 2 And then you cut to the audience and you're like, wait, it's anonymous.

Speaker 2 We don't know who's doing it. There's one guy that just looks like Jake Dastardly.
He's swirling a mustache.

Speaker 2 He's got a monocle.

Speaker 2 It wasn't me. I said Pluto.

Speaker 2 Dude, when the audience got it wrong, that was so fucked up. I was one of the people that said Pluto.

Speaker 2 Certainly not the end.

Speaker 2 Okay, why are you looking over your cape?

Speaker 2 Why are you holding a cape in front of your mouth?

Speaker 2 Because I have coronavirus.

Speaker 2 You guys ever have any clothes from the Regis collection? No.

Speaker 2 Bro,

Speaker 2 I loved the shiny shit. I had a Donald Trump tie.
Nah, dude, it was all about the Regis collection. I had the shiny shit, dude.

Speaker 2 I was looking gorgeous at fucking St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church.
I also had a Jerry Garcia tie I got from my dad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a pretty Jewish thing to do. I don't know.
My dad wasn't even a deadhead. Oh, wait, your dad made the tie?

Speaker 2 His dad was a tie make. No, he bought it at Macy's.
His dad was a cobbler and a tie make. No,

Speaker 2 he would make pies and shoes and ties. Pies and ties.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's called pies and ties.

Speaker 2 And people are like, Yeah, do you have like cobbler? He's like, Actually, that's just the name. I sell shoes.
I also sell shoes. I hate cobbler.
And we don't actually make pies and we don't make ties.

Speaker 2 It's only shoes.

Speaker 2 I'm like, Okay, well, I guess I'll leave then. Pies and ties, shoes.
How's business, Adam Sr.?

Speaker 2 Not good, Margaret.

Speaker 2 Seems everybody wants pies and ties these days. Nobody's buying a pair of shoes in this economy.

Speaker 2 Have you thought about changing the name of the store?

Speaker 2 Why don't you suck my fucking king? My coffee. Get the fucking, get out of here.
Go back to your

Speaker 2 purse kiosk

Speaker 2 in the mall where my store is. It's true.
My parents both worked at the mall growing up. No, that's just another lady.
No. That's Margaret from the.

Speaker 2 That's my mother, Margaret.

Speaker 2 Your real mother.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Hidden from you because she outshone your father in business.
That's right. Acumen.
She was selling pies. She sold cell phone cases,

Speaker 2 bedazzled cell phone cases.

Speaker 2 Well, if you want shirts, folks, you can check out

Speaker 2 dot town. Also, I'm in Philadelphia next weekend.
I'm starting to those fucking shows are back, baby. I'm going to be at the Philly punchline October 1st

Speaker 2 through

Speaker 2 Thursday to fucking Saturday. I'm going to be after that in Worcester, Massachusetts on the 10th.
Then I'm doing Soul Joel's show in Redding, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 2 And then Halloween weekend, good old motherfucking Magoobi's joke house, baby. So go to stopby.biz slash tour.
I'm going to be touring, and then I'm also selling shirts.