Ep. 225 – just the two of us

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Speaker 2 All right, let's get right into it.

Speaker 2 This is

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Can you close the door to the bathroom?

Speaker 2 That's your cat, bro. No, it's not.

Speaker 2 The cat definitely smells worse than that, but that is not the cat

Speaker 2 you can blame. We're back in

Speaker 2 the dojo, aka the no pussy getting zone,

Speaker 2 aka

Speaker 2 my apartment,

Speaker 2 200 Hard Street, apartment 2, Brooklyn, New York. If you want to send letters, please stop sending weapons to me.
People have been sending me... In the mail? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody sent me a sword with throwing knives, and then I got brass knuckles. That's pretty cool.
The chain mail I appreciated, but I really don't. I don't need a mail.

Speaker 2 That's more of an armor than a weapon. I know.

Speaker 2 It's different. Yeah.
If you wanted to send me an entire, full, authentic samurai suit that belongs in a museum,

Speaker 2 go for it. And it has to be stolen from a museum.
Of course, yes. Yeah.
Do you see the Met is back open? We can go now. For stealing.
For stealing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It'd be funny if the museums were looted during the Black Lives Matter protest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they left all the Jewish-owned businesses alone, but they were like, the protesters were like, I don't know, it didn't say Black Lives Matter in the window, so we had to destroy the Natural History Museum.

Speaker 2 We had to kill all the giant spiders. Yeah, we had to steal those suits of armor with the cod pieces that look like erections.

Speaker 2 I like to imagine the giant spiders in the Natural History Museum are in jail, and they know that they're in jail. Yeah, more so than a zoo.

Speaker 2 And specifically, those spiders are like, Dup, got too big, done, fucked up.

Speaker 2 I knew it.

Speaker 2 I told Lamar, I said, we, man, we're spiders. Now I gotta go to the museum.
Man, we can't be fucking around getting... I'm the size of a dog.

Speaker 2 You get a chihuahua about as big as me. People going to find out,

Speaker 2 they're going to throw my tarantula SNJ. That's right.
That's what happens when you fuck around and find out.

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, it's nice being the Cadillac of spiders, but.

Speaker 2 You're going to end up on the Upper West side? You're going to end up on the Upper West side in prison for being too large of a spider which is uh that character is

Speaker 2 an african-american spider a white man that's just a that's a code switching

Speaker 2 with a spider accent yes

Speaker 2 yeah it's a traditional spider accent that's just what spiders sound like

Speaker 2 in my mind they always have

Speaker 2 that's why i don't like them is it a problem that's why i've got arachnophobia really

Speaker 2 do you i do actually yeah yeah i don't fuck with them yeah but i'm not really that i'm not that afraid of them now people are going gonna mail me spiders. They should actually.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have to give out my address now because

Speaker 2 I'm almost completely offline. So you need people to DM you through the mail? Yeah, if you want to maintain a correspondence.

Speaker 2 I've gotten letters from people where it's clear they expect a reply. Somebody sent me like this incredibly

Speaker 2 overwritten letter one time. What do you say? It's like at this j juncture in life when my, you know, like just my dearest mothers.

Speaker 2 I mean, well, using like it's just it's very purple very you know overwritten flowery yes oh god yeah to to your favorite podcaster i know yeah which that could have been a joke in which case ha ha ha yeah hilarious um kind of sad but

Speaker 2 maybe maybe not someone that deserves ridicule stav is gone stav is gone he quit the show he quit the show which you know props to him i was wondering who was going to do it first honestly smart money was on me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no chance. No chance.
You'll be doing this show by yourself as long as there's a dime going coming out of that Patreon. Well, that's U.S.
currency.

Speaker 2 That's good money right there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can't wait for those days. When it's just you.
When it's just me. Hey, it's coming up sooner rather than later.
Yeah, I think so. We said numerous times this was the last year of the show, and

Speaker 2 it's

Speaker 2 now this year is almost over. Yeah, it's been three years of us saying that.
Yeah, I mean. So this is for real the last year of the show, just to forewarn everyone.

Speaker 2 It's the last year of anything. Yeah, that's right.
2020, what the hell? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's going to be cool when there's a civil war and there's like a bunch of people fighting in the streets and then there's like 30% of people are fighting the other 30% of people and then the remainder fucking, what is that, 40%?

Speaker 2 They're just in home and they're like, who cares? Yeah. I don't even want to fuck.
I don't even care. I feel like solidly in that

Speaker 2 current. I don't know.
You guys handle it. I'm going to fucking figure it out.
I'm going to sit in here. I'll swear allegiance to whatever side I do.

Speaker 2 I'm drawing.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I'm doodling.

Speaker 2 I'm doing a painting of a guy from a YouTube video. Yeah, I'm doing origami.
So

Speaker 2 I got a scholastic book on

Speaker 2 dollar bill origami. And I'm going to be in here with all of my dead currency making bow ties making little George Washington bow ties yep

Speaker 2 and if you have a problem with that you can suck my I'm not answering the door yeah I don't care if you're injured

Speaker 2 I'm taking another crack at the pirate broker I'll throw my my sword out of the window and you can

Speaker 2 you can have the sword that yours

Speaker 2 so this is it this is the new show no more stav

Speaker 2 yeah people have been writing into the show, corresponding with us through the USPS, saying that they don't want stav anymore.

Speaker 2 A lot of the letters, it seemed like they were different cut-out letters from magazines. To maintain,

Speaker 2 like write letters back to people. To fans? It comes out that I have a mongoloid's handwriting.

Speaker 2 People find out that I have like, you know, you know, when kids would have handwriting so bad that it qualified them as being disabled? Yeah, even if they were really smart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then they just just like, you know, they had like a special corner of the room they had to sit in.

Speaker 2 Just a peek behind the curtain, everyone.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you've imagined Nick's handwriting, but he does have gay girl handwriting. I don't have gay girl hair.
Gay guy, regular girl handwriting. He puts hearts over his eyes.
No, it's very

Speaker 2 in blood, and the Z's are backwards. The S's are Z's.
And it's a very psycho style of writing, but I do put hearts over the eyes. eyes.
I do a backwards R and tribute to the heart.

Speaker 2 I do a hardogram over every I

Speaker 2 so people understand. Kind of a more Jarrah style.

Speaker 2 My CKYLI writing. It's like Cyrillic, but CKY.
CKY Rillic. Yeah.
That's cool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's cool.

Speaker 2 That is Western tradition. If it's anything, it's cool.
It's very cool. If you had to describe it, you would probably say that's one of the coolest things I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm going to get a timer going here.

Speaker 2 So, yep, seven minutes and 27 seconds into the episode. Well, no, I need to.
We got ads. I know.
You got a countdown to that. I got a countdown, I think.
Folks, we're counting down to the ad.

Speaker 2 We got a really special one coming up, but we don't want to spoil it yet. Yeah, so now you have an enemy that you wanted to bring this.
Well,

Speaker 2 I don't want to bring up what I was telling you before, but I did make another enemy on the street.

Speaker 2 Classic Life of Adam. Why don't you want?

Speaker 2 Are you pulling back entirely, or you just want to do more research before you? I need to do a little bit more research before you. I listened to a couple of.
Do you want to do some of it on the show?

Speaker 2 Well, no, I just, it's been high time for me to find a new enemy. Well, it sounds like you have an enemy.
If you want to do the research on the show, you can explain it to me.

Speaker 2 I'll learn what's going on. Okay, I mean, all I know basically is that I got a Google

Speaker 2 alert.

Speaker 2 Hey, you know, narcissist, right? I got a Google alert. I I don't even know what Google alerts are.
You just put your name, and then anytime it's on the internet,

Speaker 2 like on a website or something. I remember when I got booked or emails.
I was booked for South Buy. The booker of South Buy was like,

Speaker 2 yeah, you must be getting a lot of Google alerts popping up. I'm like, are you out of your fucking head?

Speaker 2 I mean, who would do that?

Speaker 2 I think, you know, when you have a comedy career, you put your name there.

Speaker 2 I did set one up for funny moms as well, and I just get listicles of hilarious moms you should follow on Twitter. Interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so there's some guy made a podcast that said Adam Freeland is bad at comedy.

Speaker 2 And I didn't listen to it. I did look at a picture of him, and it made me feel a lot better.
We're going to listen to it on the show. His podcast? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Well, apparently he's got a...

Speaker 2 There's a couple of topics at the top from the show. Should I go to Patreon?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. Let's steal some of their Patreon episodes on on our free show.

Speaker 2 From what I can tell from Twitter, it seems to be. Come Town is now a show where we pay people in exposure by replaying their podcasts on our podcast and then inserting advertisements

Speaker 2 for giving them absolutely zero dollars. Women's underwear, but for guys.

Speaker 2 That's a good idea for a company. Yeah.
Startup. Yeah.
Guys.

Speaker 2 Guys, bra. Bra, guys.
Yeah, like a thong, but it just says like

Speaker 2 fucking. Not on my watch.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nice try, foul. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why don't you come say that to my ass cheeks? Yeah, bra for a fat guy, and it says, um, said no one ever. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But for male breasts.
Exactly. Like tampons that you shove in your ass, but they look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser.
That's cool, dude. Tampons for men? Yeah.
Tampons for fat men. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who can't stop taking it? And so what is that for? He's like, I have chronic diarrhea for my consumption of wow chips.

Speaker 2 I thought they were World of Warcraft chips.

Speaker 2 I thought they were World of Warcraft-themed chips.

Speaker 2 Someone also told me recently that we are in World of Warcraft. That's as far as I know about that.

Speaker 2 But the three of us, Nick and Saab, and Adam, apparently we are the main characters of World of Warcraft now. I said it before, and I'll say it again.

Speaker 2 You can't. Maybe it is just the the pandemic and all this shit has destroyed the internet, but I can't imagine that it has.

Speaker 2 I feel like if you're 19, 20 years old and you're online right now, you're still enjoying it. I don't know, dude.

Speaker 2 I think, well, maybe not enjoying it in the sense of like, wow, I'm having a great time, but getting people's address and sending them swords or threatening them, that's like, that's probably fun still.

Speaker 2 Some kind of, in some way, that's probably, if you're a young man, being,

Speaker 2 you know, causing causing trouble,

Speaker 2 causing a ruckus on the internet is probably fun. And I don't think it really can last.

Speaker 2 I think I've aged out finally.

Speaker 2 You're no longer a jester of

Speaker 2 zeros and ones. I can't do it.
You can't do it anymore. I'm too old.
I think that's good for you, dude. I like that look for you.

Speaker 2 It's like when a punk musician in middle age goes like uh like folk Americana or just stops making music

Speaker 2 and just leaves and just walks away. Just walks away.
And instead of being a punk musician, he's just a guy that says things.

Speaker 2 Just a guy that goes places. He doesn't even bother to

Speaker 2 wear the punk clothes. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 He's just a guy that goes to the mall and he goes, all this shit sucks. And then people are like, thanks for letting us know, Ed.
And he's like, I'm too old for this.

Speaker 2 They're like, old for what? And he's like, saying stuff sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's still trying to be like.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, were you under the impression that we

Speaker 2 we that that was a thing that you were doing and not just yeah not just a general philosophy of uh

Speaker 2 you know everything sucks everything's shit everybody sucks and you want to know why i'm going to justify ripping somebody's head off yep you know human contact and if you interact your life is on contract your best bet is to stay a while motherfucker it's just one of those days it's all about the he said she said bullshit

Speaker 2 What does that mean?

Speaker 2 It's like Fred Duris goes into

Speaker 2 the fictional version of Fred Duris goes into his job at Journeys that day.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 somebody's like, somebody said that you're gay. And he's like, there's more of the fucking he said, she said bullshit.

Speaker 2 I guess it's just one of those days. All of these fucking gossips at, what is it, Zoomies or Journeys? Yeah.
It's just one of those days, dude. That song ends with

Speaker 2 the main character getting beaten up by an Indian family man outside of a Dippin' Dots. Really? Yeah.
Is he a franchise owner of that Dippin' Dots? He's like, Back up, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 And then the Indian guy's like, you can't talk to me that way. This is my place of

Speaker 2 fucker, get out.

Speaker 2 Get out, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 And he comes around the counter. The guy's like, what? Do something.
And the Indian guy just

Speaker 2 brutally beats his ass I do remember that from the end of that song yeah just one of those days getting your shit pushed in by an Indian guy just one of those days dip and dots

Speaker 2 that never really panned out the ice cream of the future I thought it was pretty good when I worked at when I worked at various malls I would I would get dip and dots sometimes

Speaker 2 and it's disgusting I had an idea for an ice cream and I went to an ice cream place this weekend and they had it I thought it'd be cool to do you do like a movie like Uncut Gems. Okay.

Speaker 2 And it's about an Indian guy that's been embezzling money out of his Dip and Dots franchise. Okay, let's go.
And it's called Double Dippin' Dots.

Speaker 2 And what's he using the money for? Gambling? To buy more dots

Speaker 2 for his wife. That's right.
You know,

Speaker 2 she's in front of her van in the mirror, and she's got a whole selection of red dots

Speaker 2 that she can put on her head. But she needs more dots.
You know, and that bitch.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, but she's sitting there and she's like f like a giant full Sarion.

Speaker 2 Right. Completely clothed.
And he's like, I have made all of this for you. I've done sack I have done so much for you.

Speaker 2 She's like, this has made me aroused. And he's like, Let me see it all, bitch.

Speaker 2 And then she takes the dot off. And he's like, and then she's naked.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Yeah.
Yeah. But she's.
He starts rubbing his cock over the pants.

Speaker 2 What we see is his pants flutter like one of those guys outside of those inflatable guys outside of a car dealership. Yes.

Speaker 2 As he just violently nuts in his pants. So much so that air is coming out of his dick.
I like that this is like pro-monogamy. He loves his wife so much that she still makes him bust with his pants.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's why he's embezzling. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But really, she's the true villain of the film because,

Speaker 2 you know, he can never give her enough dots. Yeah.
She needs more and more dots no matter how hard he works. I want the latest dots.

Speaker 2 I have to have this year's dots if I'm wearing fall dots

Speaker 2 in spring.

Speaker 2 But but Pranji Jeep, how will they know the difference? It's all just red dots. That's true.
It's all just red dots.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Maybe I will go fuck the neighbor then. I guess it's all just dicks.
God. How much more does this man have to do for his wife and family?

Speaker 2 She still makes him bust his pants. Yeah, when we came to America, it was supposed to be the ice cream of the future.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he read in a fucking brochure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it never panned out. I like that.
The whole premise was that one day they were just going to be like, no more ice cream.

Speaker 2 This is it now. We've transitioned.

Speaker 2 Dippin' Dodge has been a market disruptor. With every type of cuisine.
You know, Cronuts came out, they were like

Speaker 2 shut down all the donut stores. Big donuts going down.
We were only like, yeah.

Speaker 2 We have a, in our Soviet planned economy of desserts, there's only room for one type of pastry, and we'll manufacture 800 million of them, and everyone will

Speaker 2 become malnourished off of a cronut-only and Dippin' Dots-only diet. That's not bad.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yep. This town certainly isn't big enough for more than one food.
This town isn't big enough

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 just the two of us, the Will Smith song.

Speaker 2 How about that? What would that look like as a joke?

Speaker 2 This town ain't big enough for

Speaker 2 this town ain't big enough for just the two of us, the Will Smith song. If you're just joining us now, we're starting

Speaker 2 the parody song contest, and we'd like to announce our winner, Billy Seagram of Edgewater, New Jersey, for his

Speaker 2 hilarious song, This Town Ain't Big Enough for Just the Two of Us. The Will Smith song.
Where he actually got Will Smith and Jaden Smith to dress up in fat suits

Speaker 2 and redo Just the Two of Us. Like a clumps style.
Actually, it was Will Smith's first son, which is a technical. That's one that he doesn't love.
Yeah, a technical inaccuracy, which actually

Speaker 2 disqualifies

Speaker 2 Billy Seagram. You know, what's funny about that song is that it's a love song to your son.
Yeah. You don't get a lot of those.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very funny that the premise was violated almost as soon as he met Jada Pickett Smith. Yes.
He's like, not only am I going to have other children,

Speaker 2 not only do I have a

Speaker 2 woman in my life now? Yes. So it's no longer just the two of us.
Now it's three. There's a woman, and then me and her are going to have kids, and the kids are going to be named after us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that we function as a complete unit and there's really no room for a core.

Speaker 2 Your name is just Carl or Earl or Colby. It's something like that.
It's like Colbert

Speaker 2 Smith.

Speaker 2 Colby Smith. Yeah.
Colby Smith.

Speaker 2 He's named after some sort of like manufactured cheese.

Speaker 2 Whenever you cross my mind, I will think of you as a mistake. Yeah.
I will think of you. as before I was truly happy.
Give me a second. I'm going to grab my coffee.
Go for it.

Speaker 2 Can you actually get me one, too? I I don't have any. Oh, you don't have pods?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 So if you're just joining us, guys, we are 19 minutes and 28 seconds into the episode. Savros has quit the show.

Speaker 2 It's just me and Nick now.

Speaker 2 Pretty soon it's just going to be me. So a little bit about what's been going on in my life.
I started day trading. Got Robin Hood app.
A fun way to

Speaker 2 kill the show would be if we just did,

Speaker 2 we got really into like

Speaker 2 if they televised like slot car races and we just did every week like doing like you know

Speaker 2 just calling slot car races and describing the competitor. Yeah, just completely blind with no video images.
No, I mean I'd get it up on the screen.

Speaker 2 Well, we'd watch that, but the audience would have to hear us describing the slot cars. Exactly.
What are slot cars? They're like the long ones, right?

Speaker 2 No, they're little cars that go on a track that's like it plugs into the wire. Oh, okay.
I was thinking of those long long cars that they drag race on ESPN2. No, those are

Speaker 2 funny cars, yeah. What's so funny about that?

Speaker 2 That, well, if you actually watch the races, they're hilarious. They're dragging minorities behind them.
That's where the term drag race comes from.

Speaker 2 You would dress up as a woman and then drag a minority behind the car. It was all one thing

Speaker 2 back in the day.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 it was transgender moonshiners that would drag black men who moved into the town. Oh, so it was more than one type of dragon.
They're like, let's see how fast we can get

Speaker 2 this bootlegged moonshine to the other side of the road while also committing a hate crime and being trans.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that's where the name comes from. Wow, I didn't know that.
But I mean, I guess it's at this point a tradition. It's a proud American tradition

Speaker 2 of hate criming people with a funny card.

Speaker 2 That's what makes it so funny. If you're just joining us,

Speaker 2 you're probably wearing underwear. Adam stopped wearing underwear because he's so prone to shitting himself during the summer.
Yeah, so I prefer just shitting on the jeans. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We got a new sponsor here, shit jeans. Shit jeans.
With the jeans you can shit.

Speaker 2 Is that a diaper? No, it's shitty jeans. Shit jeans.

Speaker 2 It's shitty jeans.

Speaker 2 Is that guy wearing a diaper? No, friend. Hand on a hip, looking over the shoulder.
It's shitty jeans.

Speaker 2 Shitty jeans by Mac Weldon. Yes.
Mac Weldon is a premium men's essentials brand that believes in smart designs and high-quality fabrics.

Speaker 2 They changed it. Used to be premium, now it's high-quality.
Okay. Is high quality higher than premium? Who knows? Maybe they're moving up.

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Whatever you need. Mac Weldon has you covered.

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Speaker 2 have a consistent fit that you can count on,

Speaker 2 and you can also

Speaker 2 let your ass suck the underwear up. Oh, yeah, I forgot about this.
Yeah, uh,

Speaker 2 the propulsive force of Jeff's ass. Uh, yeah,

Speaker 2 my dick gets hard so quickly that it often sucks my underwear into my ass.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make sense.

Speaker 2 What I propose we do is we get the aliens horny and then we have sex with them.

Speaker 2 Where did you find this man?

Speaker 2 God damn it, David. We don't have any more time for your horny bullshit.
President Bill.

Speaker 2 President.

Speaker 2 What's the backstory there? Is he used to fuck the president's wife? No, he he fucked the chief. He's a scientist for the president.
Yeah, but he used to fuck the chief of staff.

Speaker 2 No, that's that's oh, yeah, it's

Speaker 2 he's the ex-boyfriend of the chief of staff. That's right.

Speaker 2 Monaco,

Speaker 2 there's aliens coming. I'm not going to fuck you again, Jeff.

Speaker 2 No, this time I've discovered a code at the TV station I work at. And I was wondering if I could barge into the Oval Office.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he really gets past security protocol very easily. Very easily.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In the same way that maybe an Israeli would.

Speaker 2 I do believe that he was Mossade in that movie. He's a Mossad agent.

Speaker 2 One-stop shop for men's essentials. Socks, shirts, hoodies, underwears, polos, and active shorts.
Mac Weldon promises comfort and a consistent fit. Versatility.

Speaker 2 This is, why is Mac Weldon so awesome? This is great. This is the new copy they sent me.
Yeah. And they put it all in a table for me to read and did it all up in Excel, which is like, this is

Speaker 2 somebody's.

Speaker 2 This is somebody's work-from-home COVID job to put together to write copy for you. For a racist podcast.

Speaker 2 They're like, I just hope the economy can survive this.

Speaker 2 Oh, the economy. I still got a job.
This shouldn't exist. Yeah.
None of this should exist. No, underwear should not exist.
I mean, it's not even like, how is this somebody's job?

Speaker 2 How is what I'm doing profitable?

Speaker 2 No, I mean, this is even more ridiculous it doesn't make any sense spreadsheets for ads it makes underpants no sense it makes zero sense um uh but i tell you what the the underwear itself is worth it that does make sense yes it does they sent me like a little code to get more like host underwear but the kind they're like is sold out what kind is that premium no the air knit kind

Speaker 2 very light on the balls yeah

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 well my problem is that i always like

Speaker 2 i always put my dick back in my pants a little too early. And so I always have

Speaker 2 a little bit of urine. Oh, yeah, you don't do a second shake.
Yeah. Well, it's not that I don't do a second shake, it's that I hang my dick over the top of my pants.

Speaker 2 And so that does that like straw action. Wait, you don't unbutton your pants? No, I pull my dick and hang it over the top of my pants.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You flop down. I flop down and then I piss, but what that does is it puts pressure on my urethra.
So

Speaker 2 once the

Speaker 2 piss force is done,

Speaker 2 the entire length of my dick is filled with piss held in from the waistband, which is like, you know, when you put it, you put your finger on the top of a straw in a drink, and then you pull the straw up.

Speaker 2 It still has the water in it. So the length of your penis is still filled with urine.

Speaker 2 With piss.

Speaker 2 And then when I put my cock back in my pants, I piss myself.

Speaker 2 And so I like a lighter kind of underwear because I'm not going to learn how to piss correctly. I'm going to continue pissing myself.
No.

Speaker 2 Nor should you be expecting that. And I want it to kind of dry off quick because I don't like having a damp feeling where I've pissed myself.
You need a wicking technology. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this is why Mac Weldon, they heard my complaints and they created shitty jeans.

Speaker 2 Shitty jeans by Mac Weldon.

Speaker 2 They also have the Weldon Blue program, which is a totally free loyalty program.

Speaker 2 Unlike all those other loyalty programs that cost money. Yeah, exactly.
I go to Panera Bread and I'm like, you know, I get a coffee.

Speaker 2 I'm like, is it you doing anything where it's like, you know, I get a couple coffees for free. A couple coffees, I get one for free.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Panera, they said, sure, why don't you just come with us in the back for a second? And then there's like five Latino guys and they take turns beating the shit out of me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's the price of the loyalty program. And they're like, but you family now, especially

Speaker 2 you part of the Panera Bread loyalty program. You were jumped in.
I'm like, well, I actually don't really want coffee anymore. They're like, the only way out is in a box.
Oh,

Speaker 2 which is this free box of coffee that we're giving you as a token of our esteem. That's true.
As a token of our esteem.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've paid $6,000 this year just signing up for the CVS rewards program. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Totally free loyalty program. Level one gets you free shipping for life.

Speaker 2 For life, SA? Imagine that. You're on your deathbed and your family's like, please, they're begging the doctor, please let us see him.

Speaker 2 One last time. The doctor's like, no, he insisted.
He just wants his laptop so he can order Mac Weldon underwear until the minute he dies because he gets free shipping.

Speaker 2 So he can reach level two by spending $200. Mac Weldon gives you 20% off every order for the next year.
Wow. Imagine

Speaker 2 how often you're going to piss holes in your pants because of your acidic. For the entire year.
I actually, I stopped drinking water because I read that cats don't actually need water.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, they extract enough liquid from their kills, from like the blood of their kills. From mice.
That they don't need water. And I've been trying a similar thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just trying to live off the moisture and Lucky Charms. Okay.
And

Speaker 2 I now piss acid like a cat does, which I think is ketosis.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 just eats through underwear. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Your piss is like

Speaker 2 an acidic. like a cat's with toxic blend.
Yeah. Okay.
Mac Weldon wants you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it and they'll still refund you.

Speaker 2 No questions asked.

Speaker 2 Required points. They want you to talk about.

Speaker 2 They want me to talk about my experience.

Speaker 2 Well, you talked about that. You put your cock over the.
Yeah. I pull my dick out and it rests on top of the underwear.
And jeans. Yeah.
They are nice underwear.

Speaker 2 They look like shit on me now because I've like, with quarantine, I now have the legs of a seven-year-old girl from 1942 Poland. But that's what chicks like, dude.
Do they?

Speaker 2 They like the natural V shape in a man. It's not a V shape.
They like a man with like

Speaker 2 legs from someone that's been in a wheelchair for 10 years.

Speaker 2 And like very strong shoulders. I mean, that's the natural V.

Speaker 2 I used to just have like sort of a chimp's proportions, but my legs have gotten so atrophied now that it really looks like I mean, it looks like if you lifted a like robocop in half and he just had like

Speaker 2 just it looks like intestines dangling from my torso suspended. You know,

Speaker 2 like maybe like that skeleton boss from Contra 3.

Speaker 2 I never played that game. That was Super NES.
I might be misremembering what he looks like.

Speaker 2 That game's awesome. It was really hard, I remember.

Speaker 2 It's like a shooting game. It's hard, but only because

Speaker 2 there's a lot going on, but the enemies come at you the same exact way every single time. So it's more of a process of refining.

Speaker 2 It's sort of like a kind of like a speed, it's like built for speed running. Uh-huh.
Well, I don't even know if you can speedrun it because it's like you have to just figure out like

Speaker 2 the pattern of the game. And it's the same pattern every time, just slightly harder.

Speaker 2 No, it's not slightly harder. It's just like as you get further through the game,

Speaker 2 it's more like memorizing a list of

Speaker 2 yeah, that's what makes the game cool is because I've played, I've put Contra 3 on in front of girls, you know. I'm like, check this out,

Speaker 2 and then I just crush it, and it looks very difficult, and you look like you have like insane reactions at times, and they get wet from that, and then you're like, pretty cool.

Speaker 2 Hello,

Speaker 2 she's gone, she's fucking

Speaker 2 don't they all leave, dude. The

Speaker 2 who's she fucking, she's fucking the guy

Speaker 2 who's the funny answer to that question.

Speaker 2 So MacWeldon.com

Speaker 2 slash promo code Come Town20. Well, that's what I'm saying.
I got quick reaction time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the power of a contra brain. Sniper style.
Yeah. Dude, speaking of video games, MacWeldon.com.
I got to get this out there. Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 MacWaldon.com slash Come Town20 for 20% off your first order and enter

Speaker 2 promo code COMETOWN20.

Speaker 2 20% off your first order, MacWaldon.com/slash Come town20. I've almost forgotten to say the promo code.
And if I do that,

Speaker 2 no money for us. No, no, no pussy.

Speaker 2 Pussy. Nico.

Speaker 2 The new normal uniform. What is this? Oh, even more.
There's more, Mac Weldon? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Say their shit. We'll take time off the show.

Speaker 2 The new normal uniform is a lot of us searching our new way this is formatted. Oh, it's because you don't leave your house and you wear like pajamas.
Yeah. Oh, that's so fucking pathetic.

Speaker 2 All right, so you can read it. Here's a request from Mac Weldon.
How about some kind of tube I can insert my penis into? Uh-huh. That has a pulley system.

Speaker 2 And so when I go to piss, I just use like a truck horn thing. Oh, that's it.
And it pulls my pants down and lifts my penis up.

Speaker 2 And then I just piss directly all over the back of the toilet seat and all over the wall. So it's sort of like you're like a puppeteer for your own penis.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It would be cool to pull strings and then make the penis do things.

Speaker 2 I'm at that same girl's house. I'm like, she's like, did you piss all over my bathroom? I'm like, yeah, but check this out.
I've got a whole

Speaker 2 puppet show. I'm Geppetto.
Yeah. Oh, very cool.

Speaker 2 What was I going to say? Oh, I just downloaded the remaster of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1 and 2. On what? On GST.
On GS4. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I got very excited, and then I played for about 20 minutes, and then I got really depressed. Yeah.
Being like, I've done really nothing with my life.

Speaker 2 And now I'm just searching for nostalgia, like those people that are like

Speaker 2 looking at 90s kid memes. Yeah, it doesn't work.
I think the answer, honestly, is you just have to start reading nonfiction.

Speaker 2 I'm taking another crack at the power broker right now. Are you? Yeah.
Where are you at?

Speaker 2 This is like 40 pages in.

Speaker 2 40 pages in, but I skipped the introduction, which was 25 pages. So

Speaker 2 I've read approximately 15 pages. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, you know, I'm going to do it this time, fellas. I'll give you a full book report next episode.

Speaker 2 Robert Moses was born in 1888.

Speaker 2 His mother never bothered to give him a middle name. That's pretty much all I got so far.

Speaker 2 Cool. Yep.

Speaker 2 Cool beans.

Speaker 2 What's new with you? Oh, I had this drug dealer when I moved to New York who

Speaker 2 every time I'd go see him, he'd be like a different race. He would go away to jail for a long time.
Like an X-Men. Yeah, he'd be like Dominican one week.
He'd be like, you know, Filipino another week.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 over text when you would text him. It's one of the Magneto X-Men's.
The bad guys. He's Efendra.
She just turns into different races. Different races.
Different stereotypes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was like that.

Speaker 2 But whenever you would text him to see if he was home, he would say Cool Beans. That was his catchphrase.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it a catchphrase? I mean, people say it. I don't know.
It was his

Speaker 2 signature, I think. How the fuck did that catch on? Cool beans? It must have been like the biggest dick guy in the world that was saying that.
It's such a there was some guy named like

Speaker 2 Chaz

Speaker 2 or something.

Speaker 2 And he was just like, he was just so

Speaker 2 cool. He was so confident with it.
And fucking he'd be like, yeah, I'll pick you and your sister up at six, and then we'll have sex before prom before I go get my actual date.

Speaker 2 And then the girl's like, okay. And he's like, cool beans.

Speaker 2 I guess we have to say that now.

Speaker 2 I guess we all have to say cool beans so we could be like Chaz. Yeah.
Who has sex with who had sex with every girl in the school. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even the retarded ones. But that's just how cool he is, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, of course I don't want to have sex with retarded girls. I just ran out of girls to fuck.
But I have to get pussy. It's God's plan.
That's true.

Speaker 2 All right, students, welcome to Muslim High School.

Speaker 2 God's plan today is math from eight to nine.

Speaker 2 Recently, we heard that Chaz, Chaz Koolbeans,

Speaker 2 Guster Gusterman. Gusterson.
Yeah. Gunder Guster.
Gunderstor. Gunderstorm.

Speaker 2 He's Norwegian. Yeah, he's kind of Scandinavian.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Gus Kool Beans Master Race Thunderguard. Yeah.
Has had sex with every girl in the school. It's all to give a moment of silence for all the pussy that's that's been slayed in these halls.

Speaker 2 He's just absolutely massacred. Maybe in his Lamborghini

Speaker 2 cunt touch. The vanity played cunt touch on his

Speaker 2 Lamborghini outside in the school parking lot. He drives Lamborghini to school, and he's had sex with it.
Very cool. And he has now had sex with the retarded girl.

Speaker 2 Yep, he yep, we have to make a sacrifice at our school. Stop saying all that on the announcements.
I'm the principal. I will will do what I want.

Speaker 2 The principal here at Muslim High School

Speaker 2 named that

Speaker 2 on September 11th, 2001.

Speaker 2 Coincidentally, it's 7:12 in the morning.

Speaker 2 They just happened to name it. Moments before.
It used to be Robert Moses High School, but for what

Speaker 2 the legislation passed

Speaker 2 at 7:12 in the morning on 9-11, 2001. And you you know how local politics is.
It takes 35 years to take this school so long. A local, this is a bureaucracy.

Speaker 2 Back in the old three-wheel and anti-Semitic 50s, they found out Robert Moses was Jewish. There was a rush to get expedited legislation passed to change the name Robert Moses High School

Speaker 2 to Muslim High School. They wanted to move as far away from Jewish as possible.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 To the other,

Speaker 2 to the other Semitic

Speaker 2 religion, the other side of paradise.

Speaker 2 The other side of

Speaker 2 the other side.

Speaker 2 Fuck. I got nothing.

Speaker 2 It's alright. I got nothing today.
I'm not tired, though. I don't know.
I'm in a pretty good mood. I just not feeling particularly

Speaker 2 riff

Speaker 2 riffable. No, we're doing

Speaker 2 this with the people at home. I'm just, you know, I'm just a little.
I'm just a little, you know, I'm fine. You know? I'm fine.
Okay?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're cool, dude. Yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah, hey,

Speaker 2 my name's Mikey the leukemia, and I'm fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, how you doing? My name is Mikey Leukemia, and I'm okay. I'm good.
No, I should take a cough or something. I'm okay.
I'm fine. Yeah, Mikey Leukemia.

Speaker 2 Dude, I got scared of COVID for the first time,

Speaker 2 like, in since it dropped last week. Because someone told me that if you have it like six months later you can go bald really yeah interesting yeah and that's based on what

Speaker 2 they said that men and women there have been reports that you go bald

Speaker 2 but reports from who because they were saying i remember they were like the tigers at the zoo have it yeah i remember they said that and it turns you chinese it does yeah no i heard that i mean i'm fine with everything anemia i already have that but i don't want to go bald dude.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'll have nothing. This is a world.
I'll probably go bald anyways at some point. So I would love it if COVID makes you go bald because then, you know, you're just like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I was a first responder. I went into the towers.
Yeah, you're a survivor. Well, there was also towers during COVID in New York.

Speaker 2 A lot of people don't know that, but the first place that was hit was the Freedom Tower. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's, you know.

Speaker 2 I don't think you can get pussy off of COVID. I don't think you can like impress The male nurses probably thought that was going to happen.
That's why they're all pissed on the train.

Speaker 2 They're like, yeah, I thought, you know, my entire life I've been getting sunned by people for being a man nurse.

Speaker 2 Now I'm going to be a hero. My chance.
This is my chance to get pussy off of nurse. Yeah.
But doctors still exist. Yeah, they completely forgot about doctors existing.

Speaker 2 Man, these fucking doctors getting all the pussy. Yeah.
I remember as a kid, you're like, nurses are girls and doctors are boys. And they're like, no, doctors can also be women.
Nurses

Speaker 2 are men that get cucked by the doctor. That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Male nurses, like stray male nurses love to get really jacked to be like, I'm not a fucking person. That's true.
They're all ripped. Yeah,

Speaker 2 they love getting huge and getting like bad fucking like tattoos.

Speaker 2 A lot of like young male dentists also. Yeah.
Whenever, if you have to wear scrubs,

Speaker 2 you gotta have huge buys for whatever reason. Yeah.
To be like,

Speaker 2 I'm not some fucking faggot that wears pajamas for work. Pajamas,

Speaker 2 yes. Right? Bananas and pajamas.
Bananas and pajamas. That's a good riff.

Speaker 2 What a weird concept for a show. Well,

Speaker 2 it was Christian, right?

Speaker 2 No, that was vegetails. That's vegetails.
Bananas and pajamas was British. It was British.
They're like, I've got no idea for a series. It's

Speaker 2 bananas and pajamas. Well,

Speaker 2 my

Speaker 2 godsister's

Speaker 2 ward, she takes care of a mentally

Speaker 2 invalid. And he was

Speaker 2 he just started screaming and throwing feces everywhere and yelling bananas and pajamas. Yeah, and that would be a great kid's show.

Speaker 2 I thought to myself, what if we just let him say a show, and then I go to the south of France for the entire year.

Speaker 2 And then I don't have to do my job, and you pay me anyways. That sounds pretty good.
That sounds good.

Speaker 2 Let's give him a short time. We should hire a stenographer to record the retards' words,

Speaker 2 and then that will be children's entertainment. Yes, because it's no longer okay to just laugh at retards.
No, we need to take their ideas and laugh at those. It's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, most TV shows are retards' ideas. What is the history of that show? I guess I never saw it.
You know,

Speaker 2 I bet we could bet on it

Speaker 2 at mybookie.ag.

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Now that you can't go see sports, you need to bet on them.

Speaker 2 That's the only way to really have the experience of being out there in the stands, getting drunk, remembering all the racist things your dad said before he died of pancreatic cancer.

Speaker 2 You know, remember just

Speaker 2 having you tearing up, thinking about just posting a picture of your beer on Instagram,

Speaker 2 writing a thing that you think is well written about your dead father, and then it gets, what, maybe four or five likes?

Speaker 2 And you quietly delete it later.

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Speaker 2 Invest in your intuition. That is, I've never heard a better euphemism for gambling than that.
Yes. That is truly wild.
You do not have a problem. This is the copy they sent to me.

Speaker 2 Invest in your intuition.

Speaker 2 That's some. That is.
You're actually a genius. I love that, dude.
I love that, too.

Speaker 2 That's some like Don Draper shit. That's great copy.
It's about gambling.

Speaker 2 It's an investment.

Speaker 2 An investing in your ability to guess.

Speaker 2 You're a guesser.

Speaker 2 What is guessing? It's taking a chance. And who does that? Women? No.
Women stay home.

Speaker 2 Waiting to have sex with the milkman.

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Speaker 2 So you're using, what's it called? Robin Hood. Are you also betting on games?

Speaker 2 I'm betting on it all.

Speaker 2 What are you betting on? At mybookie.ag.

Speaker 2 I'm betting. Why don't you talk to them about your picks for the week while I throw out my coffee cup?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so we got a big week of football ahead. The NFL is back.

Speaker 2 These are my picks for the week. I'm going to pull it up.

Speaker 2 Let's see.

Speaker 2 The Bengals are playing the Browns.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 a rivalry of the state of Ohio.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to say the Bengals are going to win that. That's easy money.
Go on mybookie.ag and choose the Bengals

Speaker 2 in the

Speaker 2 Cleveland's favored by minus 5.5.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that's all I got on the 2000s. It's better odds than Vegas, folks.
I don't know what that means, but. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'd be an idiot not to use mybookie.com. You would have to be some kind of bananas in pajamas fucking mongoloid.
Right.

Speaker 2 To not check out that website. It's 12.23 p.m.
on Wednesday, and you're listening to New York's gayest radio station.

Speaker 2 Are we done with the read? We are done with the read. Cool.

Speaker 2 What's the code? Code is ComeTown20. ComeTown20.

Speaker 2 Sucking on a dick all day.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to say.

Speaker 2 And by checking my mouth. Alright.

Speaker 2 What else is in the news, folks? I don't know, man. I'm making a point of not paying attention to the news.
I saw yesterday that Joe Biden played Desposito off his phone, and then

Speaker 2 Donald Trump. Wow, what a guffaw.

Speaker 2 I can't get enough of

Speaker 2 these politics guffaws. Isn't that funny? Yes.

Speaker 2 Wow, Joe Biden

Speaker 2 did a Desposito.

Speaker 2 It is quite a good song.

Speaker 2 But then Donald Trump. He's going to Pokemon Go to the Polls.
I love being entertained by these political guffaws. This is, yeah.
This is just one bushism after another. Yeah.

Speaker 2 These politicians are making boo-boos and we're laughing it up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Donald Trump

Speaker 2 retweeted a remix of it of

Speaker 2 Biden playing

Speaker 2 for the police by the n-words with attitude. That was the worst part about all that shit whereas, you know, people talking about like,

Speaker 2 what, like, oh, Trump's going to be good for politics or for comedy.

Speaker 2 Remember how much, how good comedy was directed at Bush? And it's like, like, no, it was all shit. Yeah.
Almost all of it was fucking shit.

Speaker 2 The only thing that was remotely okay was Will Farrell's George Bush impression, which is easily one of the worst things Will Farrell has ever done. I thought it was pretty funny.

Speaker 2 It's funny, but only because it's Will Farrell. Yeah.
You know what's better than that? Old school. Old school, very funny.
Way better. Frank the Tank, very hilarious.
Elf. Elf?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was funny, too. That movie rocks.
That movie is

Speaker 2 a holiday classic. It's Christmas.
He's an elf. It's time to put elf on.

Speaker 2 That's the formula.

Speaker 2 Can you think of anything else that movie needs? Nope. I can't think of one.
Maybe an up-close shot of a woman's pussy.

Speaker 2 Maybe just

Speaker 2 a little bit better. If we could have gotten one scene, just seeing a dick

Speaker 2 sliding in and out of a woman's pussy. Other than that, perfect movie.

Speaker 2 Just a couple of seconds of a big pair of tits bouncing up and down, and then just just a sloppy, just cock going in and out of a woman's pussy for maybe two and a half minutes. Just

Speaker 2 long enough to get a nut off before we get back to seeing the midget. Just a pair of testicles slapping against a woman's asshole.
Glued to a woman's asshole.

Speaker 2 Just absolutely stapled.

Speaker 2 That would make elf funny.

Speaker 2 It would be the perfect movie.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I would enjoy that. Yeah.
Just a quick shot, maybe Maybe fucking, maybe throw James Bond in there. I rewatched Bofinger this week.

Speaker 2 What a good movie. It is a good movie.
So funny. It really holds up.
The scene where Eddie Murphy runs across the highway is just, it's one of the funniest scenes in any movie. It's a classic.

Speaker 2 It is a classic. It is a love letter to the cinema.
Yeah. That's our favorite kind of movie, Nick and I.
Love letters to Hollywood. Yeah, Hugo, masterpiece.
Masterpiece. La La Land.

Speaker 2 Just an absolute love letter. It'd be funny if Scourses made

Speaker 2 The Irishman first and then Hugo, and Hugo was his last movie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would suck.

Speaker 2 I got one more idea that I'm going to make, and it's going to be my best picture. It's a boy who loves the movies.
It's a little boy who loves the movies, and he's like a robot or something.

Speaker 2 He's a robot that lives at the train. Yeah.
I told you, I fucking like...

Speaker 2 hanging out with comics in L.A. I was living in L.A.
at the time. And I had nothing to do on, I guess it was Christmas or whatever.

Speaker 2 And they were like, yeah, we're going to go do a double feature at the movies. And I was like, okay, cool.
And I went with. And I had no say in picking the movies.

Speaker 2 And the movies were Tin Tin and then Hugo. Oh, my gosh.
And then I spent like

Speaker 2 $50 on movie tickets. It's either that or...
Or you didn't even hop to the next movie and not pay?

Speaker 2 No, yeah it was like not yeah it was we pay for both of the movies very ethical yeah well i think i was there was like the kiosk or something i can't remember the exact mechanics of it but i don't even remember hopping to the other movie being a

Speaker 2 an option or i was just so annoyed that i was going to see two movies that i had zero interest in seeing and they're both like cgi motion capture movies too uh yeah 3d

Speaker 2 whatever what is what is what is wet ass pussy What is that?

Speaker 2 It's the concept. Isn't it dry? Isn't vagina always dry? I've never actually seen a wet-ass pussy myself.
Yeah, I have no idea. But apparently, it's something that

Speaker 2 I like a nice squeaky pussy. Oh, I love that.
You know what I mean? Oh, my gosh. Like, just.

Speaker 2 I think you're throwing beef jerky at your grandma's face when you fuck it.

Speaker 2 That's the sound.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like

Speaker 2 that's what pussy sounds like.

Speaker 2 That's the sound of pussy to me. I like a pussy that sounds like when you have

Speaker 2 your shoes are making black streaks on a on a dry

Speaker 2 playing some hoops

Speaker 2 with your

Speaker 2 with your all-white basketball. Yeah, when you fuck, it sounds like a birthday clown making animals,

Speaker 2 making some kid a hat, yeah,

Speaker 2 that kind of sound. Yeah, that that's what I like.
I think um

Speaker 2 I don't really know what is it, a song, it's a song, yeah. It's a song by Cardi B and Megan.
By who? Deji Ana Nej?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Who's writing a song like that? Matt King Cole? Yes, that's right.

Speaker 2 No, it's by Megan the Stallion and Cardi B. George Jones?

Speaker 2 George Jones was a gentleman of country. Is he the one that wrote the song Wet Ass Pussy?

Speaker 2 Wet Ass Pussy, everybody's talking about that. I said, what is that? A song by George Jones?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 yeah that's that's that's uh

Speaker 2 that sounds about right

Speaker 2 let's see what is this song everybody's talking about it WAP

Speaker 2 my nephew he says we're all listening to this song WAP and I said what does that stand for it stands for want of happiness

Speaker 2 and he said

Speaker 2 he said why don't you when we leave you can look it up on the computer we gave you 17 years ago that you're you're still using to get viruses. I'm going to load up Netscape Navigator.

Speaker 2 You know, when I first got the laptop, I hated my family for it because it just my identity was stolen 15 times in the first seven minutes I was using it.

Speaker 2 But it's now, it's nice because the computer is so fucking old they don't even make viruses for it anymore. It's too old for viruses.

Speaker 2 And I'm still, you turn it on, and the entire screen, the entire frame, is the Windows 98 start button.

Speaker 2 Because I have the magnification settings turned up

Speaker 2 all the way so I can use the laptop.

Speaker 2 I say, you should see me. I say, hold on, we're going to look up the phone number to the restaurant.
I say to my nephew, he's like, I can look it up on my phone. I said, no, you'll watch.
I've got it.

Speaker 2 And I turn the computer on, and then it starts, it sounds like a Chinese, one of those

Speaker 2 looking.

Speaker 2 It sounds like a pachinko machine. This thing

Speaker 2 takes 17 and a a half minutes to boot before I can start typing my password in. It makes the room temperature go up to 103 degrees.

Speaker 2 My nephew, he's trying to put a gun in his mouth, waiting for me as I just stare at the thing. I get three inches from the screen and look over my reading glasses.
We're going to your restaurant.

Speaker 2 I just need to look up

Speaker 2 the computer. No, we're going to look up the number to the Outback Steakhouse that we go to every single fucking time you're here that I know the number.
I should know the number.

Speaker 2 That I like calling first. That I like calling first.

Speaker 2 Because I don't like a wait. Because even when I go to the world's shittiest restaurant, I like the idea of having a reservation.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Table for two. Say, it's me and a young man.
So Cardib is who wrote the song. Cardib.
I said, certified freak, seven days a week, wet-ass pussy. Make that pull-out game week, woo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 fucking with some wet-ass pussy. Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy.
Give me everything you got for this wet-ass pussy. Beat it up.
Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 There's the N-word.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had to pull my nephew aside. I said, I didn't listen.
I didn't realize you were listening to racist songs.

Speaker 2 And this disappoints me. The rest of it, I got no problem with.

Speaker 2 Yeah, some of the guys at my work, I know they're African-American. Wait, hold on.

Speaker 2 That's what this line really is. Beat it up N-word, catch a charge.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, like, fuck me so hard that you go to jail.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. You serve hard time.
If that's what women want. That is.
If that's what every woman wants. Yeah, that's.

Speaker 2 Put this pussy right in your face, swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top.
I want to ride. Do a kegel while it's inside.
Why were people going nuts about this song?

Speaker 2 Because it's like, this is not, I mean, like,

Speaker 2 like, this is not anything new. Yeah, little kim used to yeah of course do songs about being fucked uh my neck my back fuck my or look my pussy

Speaker 2 yeah that was i mean it's like this is not yeah it's it's not a it's not a breakthrough i think uh there was a back there was a conservative backlash and then people found that to be funny ben shapiro was offended by the song

Speaker 2 I want to read the lyrics of this song right now.

Speaker 2 Extra large and extra hard. Everyone knows that everyone has the same exact size penis, five and a half inches.
You can look it up right now. In fact, I'll do it on the show.

Speaker 2 Average penis size, five and a half inches. There is no such thing as a penis larger than that.

Speaker 2 That's right. Yeah, I think he was reading it and he kept saying wet-ass P-word.

Speaker 2 And people were like, this guy is a nerd.

Speaker 2 This guy is a total loser. Out in public, make a scene, I don't cook, I don't clean.

Speaker 2 That's what they want. That's what they want.

Speaker 2 They want women that don't know how to cook, that don't know how to clean, they just know how to have sex with guys with bigger dicks than you. And that's what they want.

Speaker 2 And that's what they're going to do. And that's what they're going to do.
And that's what they want.

Speaker 2 And think about that. And think about what they want.
And that's what they're going to do to you.

Speaker 2 Gobble me, swallow me, drip down inside of me. Fuck me in my ass.

Speaker 2 Bend me over. Call me a bitch.
Call me a little bitch. Call me a little slave bitch.
Call me a little Jewish bitch slave. And fuck me in my ass and my mouth.
I'm sorry. That was...

Speaker 2 I'll get back to reading the lyrics.

Speaker 2 No, I was in a fugue.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I go into a fugue.

Speaker 2 I was just thinking about, you know, like Takata and Fugue. What's that? Takata and Fugue, the Bach, Takata and Fugue in E minor or whatever.
It's a piece of music.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Well, fugues are like, there's a music fugue or whatever.
And it's just funny to imagine, like, I don't know, was that Bach, Brahms?

Speaker 2 One of those guys. Just Beethoven.
Just like, yeah, I'm going to compose stuff. And then somebody's like, hey, doesn't that guy look like the guy that molested you? He's like, ah!

Speaker 2 And that's what that song is. He's like,

Speaker 2 I blacked out and I remembered when I was getting molested. Oh, totally.
And that's why it's called Takata and Fugue. I run down on him for I have a boop running me.

Speaker 2 Talk your shit. Write your lip.

Speaker 2 As for a car, why you ride that dick? Why you ride that dick? Folks, this is what they want.

Speaker 2 This is what I want to do.

Speaker 2 You really ain't never going to fuck him for a thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 he actually did that. I'm sure he did.
Yeah. I mean, you did it perfect, but that's like

Speaker 2 everyone was literally sharing that video of him.

Speaker 2 I think he might have even said, this is what they want.

Speaker 2 I'd like, like, what else is he going to do? Yeah. It's, that's, that's, I mean, it's pretty.

Speaker 2 It's also, it's like, but the criticism is that, like, this isn't provocative because this is, like, fucking old news. No, that's not his criticism.
It's that this isn't empowering. Of course not.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But it's like the whole thing is like sort of a stale show.
Yeah, this has been something that's been happening for a while.

Speaker 2 If you listen to the music of Trina, the baddest bitch,

Speaker 2 from Slip and Slide Records, a lot of songs like this.

Speaker 2 Holy fuck.

Speaker 2 I just like scrolled down and realized how many lyrics there are to this. It's a long song.
This is fucking insane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, maybe that gives it like this is like, I mean, I don't know what you call these stanzas. Yeah, it's poetry, in my opinion.
Street poetry.

Speaker 2 But, I mean, for a song that's just about getting fucked, this is probably 2,000 words. Yeah, well, they're women.
They can't shut up.

Speaker 2 I can't shut up. Fuck me to make me shut up.
You got to fuck me because I won't shut up. Yeah.
Pussy A1 just like his credit. Is that a credit rating?

Speaker 2 Folks, that's not even a credit rating. I know because I'm Jewish.
Every Jewish person knows the credit ratings are triple A, triple B, and F. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 There's no such thing as anyone credit rating. That's right.
If Ben took exception with that, I would be on his side. He got a beard.
Well, I'm trying to wet it.

Speaker 2 Wait, that's a lyric? So now men have to be able to grow beards. Now that's your penis has to be big, and you may have to grow a beard.
But a woman can weigh 500 pounds if she wants to.

Speaker 2 That's the world. That's how they want the world to be.
Now Ben's starting to make a little sense to me.

Speaker 2 Women are allowed to be fat and get your face wet with their pussies, but you have to be able to grow a beard. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you have to have more than the government allotted 5.5 inches, which is exactly normal and fair. And

Speaker 2 then no one's dick is bigger than that. That's right.
It's not fair to have a bigger penis than that.

Speaker 2 But it is socialism to make sure everyone has 5.5. So I I think Ben's gonna defeat himself with logic there.

Speaker 2 You just proved my point.

Speaker 2 The swang in the back of my throat. Thanks for just proving my point.
Thank you, Cardi B, for proving my point.

Speaker 2 My point.

Speaker 2 The end of the game is fire. Panani Dasani.

Speaker 2 Dasani isn't even a water company anymore. No, they still sell it at McDonald's.

Speaker 2 You can't even get Dasani. You can't get Daniel.

Speaker 2 That's how... Not only is the song distasteful, degenerate, and disgusting, but it's also lazy.
Yeah, you can't get the sani anymore. And Aquafina equally rhymes with Punani.
Yes, sort of.

Speaker 2 In Jewish culture, Aquafina rhymes with Punani.

Speaker 2 In Judeo-Christian culture,

Speaker 2 the Judeo-Christian rhyming scoop, which has been stolen from Shakespeare and bastardized by this woman to be distorted, to be distorted and degenerized,

Speaker 2 so that she can talk about her vagina. But if I were to write a song about my penis, everyone would laugh at me.

Speaker 2 I would not get a Grammy. I would be laughed at.
Everyone would say, nobody wants to hear a song called 5.5 inches because it's normal, and there's no such thing as a bigger penis.

Speaker 2 5.5 is the biggest.

Speaker 2 Your Honor, I'm a freak bitch.

Speaker 2 Handcuffs, leashes. Switch my wig, make him feel like he's cheating.
So now black people want to be arrested, but this time for having

Speaker 2 particularly enticing genitalia. That's pretty logical.
Yeah. That's good logic, Ben.
So we can put black people in jail, but as long as it's for being sexy.

Speaker 2 That's a compromise I can live with.

Speaker 2 To be honest with you, this is what I want. This is what I want.
This is the world I want. This is the world I want to live in.
We put black people in jail, but it's because they're too sexy.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 That's true. That's why they got George Floyd because he was out on these streets being too sexy.

Speaker 2 In 1987, George Floyd forgot to rewind a movie before returning it to Blockbuster. Case closed.
Case closed. He's a career criminal.
Those are just the facts. I'm not the one that arrested him.

Speaker 2 I'm not the one that made him return the VHS tape. Fucked up.

Speaker 2 When I ride the dick, I'm going to spell my name.

Speaker 2 Is that Ben Shapiro? First of all, I'd be surprised if you could even spell your name. That's good.

Speaker 2 I'd be surprised if she could even spell her name.

Speaker 2 As you know, I was the spelling bee champion in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade until my final word was pussy. And I spelled it P-O-U-S-S-I-E.

Speaker 2 Which is the correct spelling. And everyone called me gay.

Speaker 2 That is the gay spelling.

Speaker 2 And they said, you're so gay, you can't even get pussy in a spelling bee.

Speaker 2 That's a good bird. And I was so humiliated

Speaker 2 that I

Speaker 2 delved deep into the fugue of Judeo Christians.

Speaker 2 That's a fucking crucial burn right there. And that's where it happened, folks.

Speaker 2 This is the ben they wanted. This is the band they created.

Speaker 2 I used to be a wigger.

Speaker 2 I was a wigger until fourth grade.

Speaker 2 That's totally true. There was definitely a week in Ben Shapiro's childhood where he tried out being a wigger

Speaker 2 and he just bricked it so hard. Hey, guys, who let the dogs out?

Speaker 2 Who? I have a question for you. Who let the dogs out? Just walking up to a group of black people.

Speaker 2 Hey, fellas, what's going on? Wearing a suit with sneakers on and a briefcase. Yeah, a briefcase.

Speaker 2 Hey, fellas. Hi, my fellow bush stop Negroes.
I was wondering who let the dogs out?

Speaker 2 I was wondering if any of you can inform me as to who let the dogs out.

Speaker 2 And they beat the shit out of me. And this is the world, this is the band they created.
This is the band they wanted.

Speaker 2 Now I have a YouTube with 80 million subscribers. That's right.
And I say that George Floyd deserved to go to jail for not answering my question. They thought that they were killing him.

Speaker 2 They only made him more powerful.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll tell you where the dogs went. Or where they went out to is heaven.

Speaker 2 Because that's where all dogs go. And maybe George Floyd is up there with him, where he deserved to be for not answering my question.
Yes. That's a great take, is that he deserved to go to heaven.

Speaker 2 I mean, only say George Floyd seemed like a very good guy. So would it make sense as a Judeo-Christian that I believe he is in heaven and he deserved to go to heaven? Yes.

Speaker 2 If racism is so bad, shouldn't we kill all the black people so they can go to heaven?

Speaker 2 The atheists can't come to this conclusion because they don't believe in heaven. That's right.
That's right, man.

Speaker 2 Thank you for proving my point. Thank you for proving my point, atheist

Speaker 2 who let the dogs out.

Speaker 2 Who let the dogs out? All right. Bye, guys.

Speaker 2 Come.town for shirts.