Ep. 223 – Downsyndrocons

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Yeah, so we're just gonna

We'll figure it out

old the old way we used to do it just the old style the old style

We were I have to wear the bathroom.

I have to ask where is the bathroom.

Can I go to the bathroom please?

Is there any way that you could go to the bathroom into my penis?

I have a quick question for the doctor.

Excuse me, doctor.

My penis, if I hold it open, can you please.

Good afternoon, you're watching inside the Iranian actors.

I am James Lipton.

James Lipton

Lipton Shad

and James Lipton Aminian.

We are discussing Iran's latest movie about a man who

is upset because

something happened with his wife.

She has become sexualized one way or another

in some way that violates his deeply conservative,

deeply held conservative values.

And so we are going to see a scene from The Painted House.

That's good.

That's a good name.

What do you.

Oh, sorry.

We are here with the man who did all the gay sex stance for The Painted House.

No,

I'm an American film critic.

A Jewish man interrupting.

Yeah, I'm a Jewish American film critic.

And I think The Painted House is one of the most important films.

So let's go ahead and see.

Okay.

And Mr.

Mersham, we have terrible news.

This,

whatever this, you must tell me.

The repest, he

did the spearman to your wife's pussy.

Oh my god, I can't believe it.

That's fucking beast.

She's done, she has cheated on

the repest, he's done sperm into your wife's pussy, and now her pussy is

to make a baby.

It is making a baby with the sperm from the repest.

Oh my god.

Do I tell the police?

Because they will put my wife in jail.

And then I will no longer be able to kiss her father father on the lips.

I need to kiss him on the lips so I can have a job at his construction company.

I'm trying to be a businessman in his construction company, but if he finds out that I allowed his daughter to cheat on me with her rapist,

he will no longer kiss me on the lips in the meetings, and I will lose respect of the other businessman.

Holy shit.

Mr.

Mirsham, your penis is hard.

I was looking at the girl, not you.

The doctor.

Unfortunately, I have to tell the police that you are looking at me and your penis became hard.

It is

the Iranian hypocritical.

Holy fuck.

That sounds like a good film.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

good.

That was a scene from the Pentatos.

Oh, fuck.

I've never seen an Iranian film, but from what I understand, Nick got it.

From listening to you two talk about them, it seems like that's what every one of them is.

They're about dilemmas.

That's pretty much every single one of them.

And about society's like backwards values kind of coming down on a...

an individual that's trying to make a decision

whether he's gonna be modern and cool

or not.

Some of the a lot of there are others that aren't like that, but Nick got it pretty much spot on.

That's are there ever ones because Iranian girls are hot.

Are there ones where you're gonna be?

A man visits his cousin.

This is a the painted house is a follow-up to the director's last picture in which a man fr from a

deeply conservative background visits his cousin who has spent four months living in America

And he has now, he has

his mustache is now shaved.

What?

And

he's wearing a blue shirt.

And he uses the bathroom at his cousin's house.

And then he has to wipe his ass.

And he does.

And later he sees that the brand of toilet paper is

Charman,

which

means very close to semen in Farsi.

Oh, wow.

And he believes that he has wiped his anus with uh man semen

and he does not know whether to tell the police

turn himself in

for wiping his ass with toilet paper after semen.

Yeah, and he spends a very and he beats his wife because he has so much stress and she is thinking of leaving him to go to America.

But then he explains that he has put uh semen in his ass.

And she starts crying.

And she s says that he has to go to the police.

And he goes to the police and he is getting ready to kill himself in the jail cell so his family will get uh the rubies

the prize from his wife's f from his father-in-law who he has been kissing on the lips.

Right.

And holding hands with.

Oh, so that part is kind of a motif.

Kissing your father-in-law on the lips.

And uh

the police, they say we have investigated it and that it's made out of bears and not

cement.

I remember someone who showed us his top secret videos from Charmin.

It's actually made out of bears.

We have done

an investigation that has bankrupted the police department.

And now the lead detective has had to go on dates with men

to save the police department because we could not do a bake sale.

And now he has to turn himself into internal affairs for kissing men.

For being gay to support the police.

He got in too deep.

It's a classic cruising.

That's actually,

I actually, I think that's what Serpico is based off of.

Cerpico sucks.

Slerpico.

Slurpico.

Serbico doesn't suck.

I didn't like that movie.

I saw it when I was like 12, and I was like.

like, I think I saw it twice when I was younger and then when I was older.

It's called Choosing.

And it's like Cruisin', but the point is that it's a choice to be gay.

And these guys are choosing that.

Right.

Sav, you should watch Cruising.

I will.

Now that you're on an Odyssey of Film Discovery.

Well, I will be recovering from oral surgery tomorrow.

I know.

End of an era.

Big announcement, guys.

So I will be watching finally, as promised, along Good Friday

during my recovery.

And then maybe I'll do a double feature with Cruising.

Are they giving you, you're going to have mad pills, dude?

I don't know how fucked up my mouth is going to be because I feel like they've already done all this stuff.

Like, they put a bone graft in.

That sucked, dick.

They fucking put the, then they screwed something into the bone graft.

That sucked.

Now I feel like they're just going to fucking

pop a tooth into my mouth.

Blew it.

It's going to be so funny when they finally get that one in and then the tooth next to it falls out.

And they're like, well, we're going to have to do a bone graft.

That would be awesome, dude.

I would honestly be fucking pumped.

I'm a little bit sad, dude.

I'm very sad.

Well, it's not up to you, dude.

I'm not saying it's up to you.

I don't know why I did it.

Fuck this, dude.

I'm fucking stupid.

I wish I was going to have no tooth for the rest of my life.

Yeah, you already figured out how to talk.

That's the main hurdle.

I got, and now my bite has changed.

Yeah.

So they had to curve the tooth forward for it to fit in my mouth.

And I couldn't get a gold one.

I was going to get a gold one, but they were like, this shape, we can't do it.

We can't get a cap on it.

Wow.

So now I have to get a regular tooth like a fucking asshole.

But

that was it, folks.

I'm not going to be toothless the next time you hear me on this podcast.

What if I start talking weird now?

What if I develop a lisp?

Because I have the fake tooth, the phantom, the

foreign object in your mouth.

What if I'm like, that's pretty cool, guys?

Then you have to be gay.

I'm gay.

This sucks, but I'm gay.

It sucks to touch a man's penis.

And he goes, his tooth is missing, and he's looking for it.

And he accidentally goes into the wrong bathroom.

And everyone thinks he's a woman.

Oh, shit.

So

he has to call the police

to go to jail for being.

Or he could just live as a woman.

And then he decides to live as a woman.

Yes.

Which is the punishment for being gay.

I saw it.

I remember it was like a Dateline NBC.

You just kind of cut out the middleman there for 2020 or something when I was like young.

I was watching with my dad and it was like an Iranian guy living in Texas and he lost his kids because at his daughter's gymnastics like

him and his like brother were kissing each other and he was like kissing his daughter too much and then they reported the family to child services because like and he was trying to say like in Iranian culture like physical affection between

people is more common.

And then they sent them to like live with a foster family and then you see the kids like

they had like Jesus saves shirts on and stuff.

Yeah, my dad got so upset.

Fuck.

Yeah.

You think they got molested by the Jesus freaks?

I have no idea.

That would be a fucking well they were they were saying that he was it molesting his daughter because he was like holding her too much and kissing her after gymnastics.

Dude, I used to get smooched all all over the place.

There's a video of my grandma kissing my brother's balls as a baby.

Really?

That's just affection.

My dog licked my penis yesterday, last night before bed.

No.

No, you have to let that happen.

That doesn't happen by accident.

What do you mean?

There's no way that this just happened organically.

You saw it coming and you did nothing.

I didn't let her lick it a second time.

You put a trail of bone broth from her bowl to your penis.

That's not true.

I didn't know there were no additives.

No chance did your dog,

unbeknownst to you, lick your penis.

You saw it happening and you allowed it to happen.

I didn't see it.

What were you doing?

Were you distracted?

No, I was doing a little joke.

Yeah, here we were.

Which was getting your dick sucked by your dog.

No, it fucking

sexually molested your dog.

No, where

This is.

No, my girlfriend was on her phone, and I did a little joke where when she turned around, I I was naked.

And then it just so happened that when I that my dog licked my penis in the process of doing that joke.

So you were hyper-aware of your penis.

I knew my penis was out, but I didn't know that my dog was going to lick it.

I was on Team Adam at the beginning of this, but now I'm on Team Nick.

No.

You made your dog suck your cock.

No.

I was an investigator, I know, right away.

After all those years training with the Iranian police force.

I can close these cases in two seconds.

No, this is not a case first of all that the case isn't

you're on you're on trial here Bucko

we could go to the penis not on trial this is bestiality it's not bestiality it was one lick and I then I kicked the dog out that's bestiality all right let me see if it's legal yes I did it on purpose so my dog would lick the head of my penis bestiality punishment

it's too late folks it's too late to not begin there's no way that that did not happen without your entire consent consent and possible direction.

Okay.

I would like to.

What are the punishment?

How about the one about Adam making his dog look his penis?

I didn't make my dog look my penis.

It's real.

In Pennsylvania, it's a second-degree misdemeanor, two years in jail and a $5,000 maximum.

I'm not going to jail.

Adam's like, $5,000?

Well, you can lock me up the rest of my life.

Punishment is death, 25 years in jail, and a $25 fine.

$25?

In addition to.

Just popping the dog's cock out of his mouth.

$25?

These are usually associated with a cruelty to animals charge, and the court will often require extensive counseling as part of any sentence.

So I hope you're ready for that, Adam.

So what's the big deal?

I fucked a dog.

Tony, when you fuck the dog,

does it make you feel powerful?

Uh-oh.

Makes me feel alive.

I can't hear anything.

There we go.

Did you ever see

right in the middle of, I was getting fired up on that roof.

Did you ever see your mother?

Fuck a dog, Tony?

This fucking bullshit again.

Don't you ever fucking bring her up

for the last time.

It was an accident.

Tony.

She was doing a little joke.

She didn't mean for the dog to lick a pussy.

Tony, it's a Bichon freeze.

I'm just saying.

Shut the fuck up, Chrissy.

Tone, it's not a big deal.

Everybody gets their cock licked by a dog.

Everyone.

Dog basically looks like a hook.

That's right, T.

Let me see.

My Polly's more like Mike Paul.

Tell you about the time I fucked 15 dogs.

I fucked 101 Dalmatians.

I fucked 101 Dalmatians.

That's how you used to have to make a suit.

I would tell you about that, D.

D, you hear what I said?

I said I fucked 101 Dalmatians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So how are you guys doing?

How's your week then?

Bad.

It's like it was good.

But my back hurts and I'm fat as shit.

We're going to get sob fit pretty soon.

I'm going to check into Fat Camp.

Yeah, we're getting him a Wii Fit.

I'm going to lose my weight.

I saw you.

I'm going to lose weight weight wee bowling.

It's so funny that people thought that would be like, oh, I'm going to get into shape wee bowling.

Yeah.

Doing the same amount of exercises I was already doing taking forks out of the drawer.

But it's the repeated motion.

You do it at least, you know, 30 times.

You have to stand up.

Well, you do that.

I do that.

You know, when you get like a spoon out, you're like, I'm just at one spoonful of ice cream.

Put it on the kitchen counter.

Sit in the sink.

Done.

And then you're like, all right, well, now you go through all your spoons in a day,

trying to limit yourself.

Because the spoon touched the sink.

Now, here's what I do.

What I do, I put a little piece of the kitchen towel, toilet towel, paper towel, and I play, I take a scoop and I eat a little bit, and then I put it on the towel, but I go sit back on the couch.

And that way, I at least, if I'm going to have a whole pint, I'm going to get up and I'm going to earn it.

I'm going to get at least, I would say throughout the course of

10 hours, I'm going to get at least 73 steps.

That's the ticket.

Here's you, Mrs.

Robinson.

I'm getting into catchphrases.

Suck me off, Mrs.

Robinson.

Well, here's to you, Mrs.

Robinson.

That's a good one.

It is.

Because it's fresh.

I've been trying that out on people.

They've been looking at me weird at the bodega

and be like,

cream cheese, everything bagel with cream cheese.

Well, here's to you, Mrs.

Robinson.

The fuck you talking about?

They've been having.

Hey, are you having uh brain damage or something?

You're doing brain damage again?

Hey, do you got fucking brain damage?

Papa, you cannot have a damage.

You cannot have stroke in here, Papy.

Hey, ah, Sol, you can't have fucking you can't have a stroke in here.

You cannot come in here and have brain damage.

Stop talking about that's the Hoffman again.

Don't deny, we know we've seen the movie.

We everybody seen the movie.

It's not your catchphrase, you can't just say it.

It lacks context.

It does not have the context.

It does not have the context for a movie.

Well, I'm here with you.

And here's you.

Get the fuck out of this door.

Don't say it again.

Mrs.

Robinson.

I'm calling the police.

Yeah, for what?

Because there's a gay guy here.

We're not in Iran anymore.

Yeah.

Even though you're clearly a Dominican.

I'm from Iran.

I'm a Dominican Dominican from Iran.

I just talked about me.

This is the way they talk in Iran.

It's a different kind of Iran.

I'm from South Iran.

Yeah.

You're thinking of the northern Iranian Axon.

You're thinking of the cultureless, flavorless Iran that just makes very boring movies.

Oh fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys ever seen that picture of Afghanistan in like the 60s?

Where the bitches were

dressed with like high heels.

Before the Soviet invasion.

Before the fucking Ruskies.

Yeah.

Or whatever.

Dead flying cars.

It's like, no, wasn't that naked chicks?

Yeah, dude.

They had been fucking.

They were giving out pussy lefts and rights.

Pussy-given robots.

The fuck.

I think it's just your headphones.

We can still hear you.

There's another set of headphones, no?

I'm sitting on them.

No, it's the thing got unscrewed.

Oh, you need a little adapter.

Those Afghani bitches were looking right in the 60s.

Here's to you, Mrs.

Robinson.

Don't ring this guy up.

Hey, get out of my store.

Get the fuck out of this.

Hey, yaba, daba, doo.

Oh, that's

a good one.

Do you have a cat?

You can't say you have a daddy, Joe.

I could say whatever I want.

Whatever the fuck I want.

Now you know how annoying it is.

Yaba-dabadoo.

But that's it's that Fred Flintstone says that.

Yeah, well, you stole it from Joe DiMaggio.

He would always point

and he would say, Here's the you, Mrs.

Mrs.

Robinson.

And he would hit it out of the bar.

That's what the whole song is about.

They say, here's the you, Mrs.

Robinson, the famous Giorgio Maggio catchphrase.

John Diji Magio song that he wrote

and performed with

when he retired from from baseball because he got Joe DiMaggio this evening.

He's famous.

He said, Today,

I'll see you later.

That's the difference.

And here's the you, Mrs.

Roberts.

I watched the movie starring Art Garfunkel.

Forget it, Marge.

It's Chinatown.

And then he hits a dinger.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm sorry, Adam.

You had something to say about that?

What Nick just said?

No, it's just reminded me of Simon and Garfunkel.

I watched it.

Really, it sounded like you were going to tell him he's thinking of a different ball player.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I did not.

As if you weren't paying attention to the business.

No, I was paying attention to the bitch.

I know what he was doing.

I know what he was doing.

Listen.

Listen.

I've been in this interrupting Nick game longer.

Hold on, let me rewind.

Nick's disgusting.

That's actually a different.

That's you're thinking of the wrong guy.

No, you're doing your voice when you get your new teas.

You're thinking of the wrong guy.

It's me Adam Frille.

Is it me Adam Frille?

That's my West Coast accent.

I'm bugging Las Vegas.

Las Vegas.

And I can't wait to sojourn.

You know, I only talk about that.

Talk like that when I'm.

I've been.

I thought I was in Iran.

And not New York.

New York City.

New York City, the city that always.

dude, people's perception of what New York is like right now.

My cousin, he's like, I heard it's like the 80s there.

It's like, what are you talking about?

It's exactly the fucking same, except now your restaurant is outdoors.

So I thought I was in Manhattan last week, and there were a lot of hobos.

Well, some bitch tweeted that she's like, I'm sorry, but girls are leaving New York because the things that we loved about this place, the museums, the stunning dinners or whatever.

It's stunning dinners.

Stunning dinners.

That's great.

It's like, who the fuck is going to museums?

It's nice knowing that I could go to the museum.

I go to a museum twice a year, man.

If that.

Yeah.

You know, it's nice to be able to say, you know what I should do?

Is go to the zoo or the museum.

Right, right.

And then you don't.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then.

Although, to be fair, that is taken from you.

Being able to say that.

Being able to say, you know what, I should do.

Yeah.

So now you have to buy, you know, criterion movies to make your own museum.

In fact, this is more in New York now than ever because you can tell people to fucking leave.

True.

And that feels

New York.

I do feel like I'm not.

Telling people they don't belong here.

Get out, you fucking loser.

That's what makes any place a place, is telling people to fuck off.

Yes, 100%.

It's not stunning dinners and being able to go see an illustration of an Inuit.

Yeah.

Sorry you can't watch fucking Broadway plays.

Snooze.

I remember I was at some museum.

I think it was in D.C.

I can't remember where it was, but they had like mannequins of like natives or something.

And there was like one guy like crouching, and they just gave him like easy seven and a half flaps at me.

They gave him a laugh.

They just gave him

well, he had no clothes on.

Oh, no.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It was just human.

Just hang down to the ground.

That's pretty cool.

I remember being like fucking 10 and being like, nice.

Reparations.

Yeah.

It's like, look, we took it.

Sorry about the Trail of Tears, but your mannequins are going to be fucking.

And they had to close the museum because some Iranian guy came by and started sucking the man.

Trying to break into suck.

He had those like glass cutters

from heist movies.

Right.

I'm trying to learn.

I'm trying to be like

Sean Connery in the movie Entrapment,

who I think is an art thief.

I can't remember.

Yeah, yeah.

He has to get around lasers.

Yes, I was breaking into the museum so I could suck on that picture.

He's just got like a poster tube that he pulls out of his safe and he pulls the cock out of it.

I'm like, what is this?

He's like, I stole it from the museum.

It's the biggest penis I've ever seen in a museum.

Oh, is it made out of rubies or something?

This should be worth millions.

Oh, he thinks it's worth a lot of money.

He's not just gay, he's also stupid.

Nobody even notices it's missing.

It looks like there's teeth marks all around the asshole and legs.

He's just trying to sell a paper-mâché cock on the black market.

Just living in a castle on

the river.

If you're an art thief, you might want to check out sports betting.

So true.

At mybookie.com.

Oh, hell yeah.

Mybookie.com returns to Cometown.

And we're so happy to have Justin Time.

And guess who did not send this updated copy for this year?

So let's just read the old one.

Let's just see.

Well, I'm sure nothing's changed.

It's a new season.

Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.

Yep.

We are all excited about that.

Beckham is in Cleveland.

Yes.

The one thing that hasn't changed, where I'm putting my money down on all the games.

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That's right.

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Period.

Period to point blank.

Period.

Period.

And that's on period.

The fag.

And that's on that.

This is period.

They're hosting the first online handicapping super contest.

I guess that was probably last year.

The second.

Great news, folks.

The handicapping super contest may or may not have returned.

It's either back or there's some other promotional.

Some other thing that they did not email us about.

Yeah.

Well, this is good enough.

First place

is guaranteed to win at least $100,000.

Maybe I'll just go to mybookie.com.

Last year.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's just refresh everyone's memories, Nick.

Yeah, what's on the website?

What was last year?

Wait, what's the...

It's myit's.com.

No, it's.ag.ag.

Yeah, sorry about that.

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There's table games, live casinos, slots games, live odds on NBA, NCAA, NHL, Madden.

So I guess they got esports betting.

Wow.

Very cool.

The website looks great.

I still don't know what.ag is.

I think that's the.

Very illegal ass.

Yeah.

It stands for.attorney general.

Yes.

The Department of Justice actually runs this website for some reason.

And so put all your illegal information into the website that is definitely not a sting operation.

No, it's not.

Dot all good.

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The point is, use that promo code.

Use that promo code, which may or may not be accurate.

We're pretty sure that if that doesn't work, try come with a space town.

Try town.

We do have a contract.

Try podcast.

Let me see if this is.

Try Nick Mullen podcast.

Jimmy Roy.

There's my guy.

There's my guy, Roy.

See what Roy says.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know, but we love betting on sportsbookie.ag or whatever.

Yeah, my bookie.

Ag,

and I am about to start gambling.

Here we go.

Here's a PDF version of our advertising contract with them.

Publisher will probably.

We probably just read that.

Yeah, just read the contract.

By signing below, you agree to the terms and conditions of the internet advertising for media buys.

Click here to view the IAB terms.

Yeah, let's just get those terms.

There's my name in there.

Under the special notes section, it doesn't say anything.

The talent will endorse the agency's clients.

I think we've done that.

We love endorsement.

We love endorsement.

If there's one thing I love about mybookie.com, I mean,.ag, it's how easy to endorse them on every

on social media platforms.

The simplicity of not only saying the name of the website, but remembering it and not fucking it up every time.

Well, that's one of my favorite aspects.

Oh, here we go.

A social media agreement.

The publisher will provide video images script 14 days prior to the air date.

Interesting.

They've got a bunch of flags on their website.

Yeah, I don't see it, but the promo code was Come Town 2.

It's almost certainly Come Town.

It's most certainly Come Town.

If not, Come Town, they might make it Come Town 20.

I guess we'll talk to them about it, but use promo code Come Town to activate the offer.

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That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.

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Bet, win, get paid.

Oh, I remember that.

That's a good tagline.

This is Michael Douglas here.

He actually is doing like for Marky.

Marky.

Yeah, that's the right guy.

It's sexy.

When Ed first laid me down on bed,

put on pearl jam as he entered me.

Are you still there?

Yes.

Are you ready to stop Donald Trump in any

sexual way?

You think Michael Douglas fucked like somebody that Kennedy fucked, and this is his revenge?

How old would Kennedy be if he was alive?

Oh, the original Kennedy?

Yeah.

Pretty old, probably.

He was president in 1961.

How old was Michael Douglas in 1961?

Probably like in his 20s?

Yeah, probably.

I don't know.

So they might have fucked the same bitch.

And now he's getting it back at him

by saying, fuck your gay ass little red-headed grandchild.

They both fucked Marilyn Monroe.

I would have loved to.

I would have loved to get in that sloppy Marilyn Monroe, gushy-gushy.

Yeah,

she was one hot lady.

Did Matteo get new teeth?

I don't think so.

I'm looking at Instagram.

He's got like, it looks like he's either got his teeth whitened or he got veneers.

No, he's just gay guys are good at smiling, dude.

Yeah, and hygiene.

My teeth are so fucking yellow and fucking hot.

You drink 10 cups of coffee a day.

Yeah, I drink a lot of coffee.

Honestly, a lot of people think friends of like, well, I have one friend in particular that everyone thinks is gay just because he smiles.

He's just a nice guy.

That's why I haven't smiled in years.

See, that's the thing.

I don't smile and everyone thinks I'm retarded.

Yep.

You got a different set of issues going on.

Everyone thinks I'm gay because I don't smile.

But they think I'm the other kind of gay.

What kind of world is this?

You smile too much?

Don't smile enough?

Yeah.

The only way to prove you're not gay is to just do the two fingers with the tongue between them.

Absolutely.

That's why I do it all the time.

The pussy-eating pussy-eating symbol.

That's how I took my senior portraits.

Um, I saw Jurassic Park for the first time, the original?

It's pretty good.

I didn't think it was gonna be anything.

It is good, it is good.

Uh, I can't wait to bring my black daughter to meet dinosaurs

and perhaps get a piece of pussy

from one of the dinosaurs, I guess.

Did you perhaps

give one of the dinosaurs a human pussy?

It's interesting.

I don't know why I'm on this trip.

I'm a professor of dinosaur sexuality.

And they brought me along to see if I could create some lingerie for the dinosaurs.

yeah.

They made them all women so they couldn't get

cock.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

Why wouldn't they just kill the raptors?

Why wouldn't you just make it a park full of peaceful

cup on the dashboard that they're like looking at the water and they're just like watching it to see where the dinosaur is?

And then Jeff Goldblum's like slipping a roofie into the cup.

He's like, Don't mind me.

No,

sorry.

Maybe we could rape one of the dinosaurs.

Oh, there's one.

Look, we're trapped on this island.

We're going to have to rape our way out.

Perhaps we could rape one of the daughters.

I've got plenty of tranquilizers.

Like, well, that would take thousands of those pills.

He's like, oh, I have to have a lot of people.

Does anyone have it all?

Has anyone seen my black daughter?

Well, he doesn't have a black daughter that

I thought he did.

In the sequel, maybe?

Maybe in the sequel, he's got a black daughter that does gymnastics.

How cool is the

Newman fatality?

Awesome.

When he's on the toilet,

pretty cool, right?

Newman Greycasting.

Isn't that the only movie he's done, basically?

Newman?

No, he was in a bunch of movies.

Name one other one.

Wasn't he in JFK?

Yes, he was.

I haven't seen that.

I'm pretty sure he was.

I watched it recently.

What else?

I don't know.

Wayne Knight has definitely been in a movie.

I don't think he has, dude.

He's a professional actor.

Yeah, before he's eaten off Seinfeld.

Adam identifies to that guy.

No, I think.

Why?

Because

he looks more like you than he looks like Staff.

I don't know.

You guys have the same exact face.

That's how you would look if you were fat.

Yeah, that's how you would look if you gained 15%.

And you see, Adam,

you could never carry this burden.

It's something you're realizing right now.

It would be so funny if Adam got some kind of gland disease and became a big fat guy and he just couldn't handle it.

He couldn't.

Yeah.

No.

He couldn't, dude.

I couldn't.

You're delicate.

Jerry!

You have to help me lose weight.

That's Newman's backstory.

Because he was Adam six months prior to the show beginning.

Right.

And then he had a gland issue and became a big fat guy.

It had to be a post.

I'm still cool.

Oh, it would wreck your life.

You would not be able to handle it at all.

Being fat or bald, I couldn't handle it.

You absolutely could not.

No.

Because the thing is, girls will fuck.

girls in Brooklyn will fuck skinny Jewish guys.

They will not fuck fat Jewish guys.

I don't know.

Probably

unless they have big beards.

Yeah.

You're also lazy.

You're not a big beard guy.

You're also a little beard.

You're a very lazy guy.

What do you mean?

You would be making up for it with

work or anything.

You would just be a big, fat, lazy piece of shit.

No, you would watch movies.

You would be an intellectual.

You know what you could do?

You could become like a fat professor.

At the fat.

Start wearing like a little scarf.

Yeah.

Fuck your students.

He's a power of imbalance.

Yeah, I only have a bachelor's degree.

People, you could talk your way into some kind of gay school.

What the fuck does Jeff Goldblum do in that movie?

He's like.

He's the scientist.

He's the guy who's like, it's chaos.

Is he on the trip or does he work on the trip?

He's one of the guys that they hire to like judge whether it's a good idea.

They hire Jeff Gold.

Oh, he's like a marketing consultant.

No, no, no.

He's a scientist, but he's the one who's a good idea.

He's a mathematician.

Yeah, he's talking about chaos.

He's like, they needed somebody to add up all the dinosaurs.

Let's see here one.

You have Sam.

One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven,

eight, nine, ten,

eleven dinosaurs.

That's good.

Honestly, it wouldn't be a good idea if they just didn't have dangerous dinosaurs.

Why the fuck would you make dangerous dinosaurs?

You need it to balance the population, right?

So you need the dangerous.

No, you don't.

It's all fake.

You just shoot the fucking old fucker.

It's like a regular ass zoo.

They don't fucking have lions eat the fucking deer in the zoo.

No, it's more like.

They feed the lion like some goat.

It's more like a safari park.

Yeah, but I'm saying.

They feed the dinosaur goat in the moon.

They do.

I'm just saying.

They're too dangerous.

They're more dangerous than that.

You'd be because it's Steven Spielberg.

It'd be funny if, like,

it would be cool if whoever was in charge of giving him money was, like, they read Jurassic Park and they read Schindler's List, and they're like, can we, like, double up on these?

And just get, we'll do what we'll do a twofer.

So we'll combine these scripts.

And the Nazis have dinosaurs, and they're sending all the Jews to be eaten by dinosaurs

in an amusement park.

Okay.

Wow.

And

that's the movie we're going to make.

That would be a cool movie.

And we'll put Will Smith in there because he's hot now.

Yeah,

welcome to Auschwitz.

Welcome to Alf Schwitz.

Alf Schwitz?

He says it wrong because he's black.

Right.

He doesn't, which he never does.

He doesn't say the word right.

Fucking God don't even know how to speak.

This fucking black idiot

doesn't know how to talk.

Don't know how to make a

pronounce it right.

Don't know how to do sentences.

Pronounce it right, you fucking black piece of money.

You fucking black asshole.

Yeah, nice job being a

being a fucking celebrity.

Why don't you try my job?

Collecting disability.

Oh, fuck.

But yeah.

We give the dinosaurs a hand job.

All the dinosaurs were girls, which is pretty fucked up.

Why wouldn't they just neuter them?

Because in some species, men and the male and female look much different.

Some birds, the women are big as shit, and the guys are little guys that just get pussy.

The guys have like sexy plumage to attract the women, and they have to learn dances.

Because that way they tell them their nut is good.

Yeah.

This is like a scene in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldman has to shoot one of the Velociraptors.

I'm like, have you ever even fired a gun before?

Have you ever killed anything?

He's like, no, but I

had to have sex with Glenn Close

during the biggest.

Believe me, I've done something

much more disgusting.

He's looking at the camera.

They're like, Yeah, Jeff,

very funny.

Let's read the line.

Very funny, but we're going to go.

Let's try it a couple of times with just the actual lines and the script.

Glenn Close doesn't exist in the Jurassic Park universe.

It's a good line, but you're Dr.

Ian Malcolm, not Jeff Goldblum.

I heard of this actor who had sex.

And

Glenn's lawyer has preemptively contacted us as soon as we cast the movie,

demanding that you are not allowed to mention her.

In fact, they do it on every production you're involved in.

After, what was that?

The bug?

What movie was he in?

The fly.

After you mentioned it in The Fly,

after he turns into a fly, it's like, I'm still not as gross as Glenn closest pussy.

That may have been before the big chill, but not in the one we made.

Yeah,

Adam.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you try cushydreams.com.

Maybe try

smoking high-quality CBD.

If you like having sex, you'll love cushy dreams.

You'll love having sex with cushy dreams.

Cushy does sound like pussy sex.

Pussy dreams.

I think we said that last time that you get pussy in your dreams.

Oh, right.

Yes, that did tickle me, that idea quite.

Yeah, yeah.

Pussydreams.com.

It is so funny.

I honestly would do that.

You smoke weed and then go to bed and just smoke and fall asleep with a smile on your face, knowing you're about to get pussy in your dreams.

Yeah.

That would honestly.

I mean, you're just violently raped in your dream.

You guys got it.

Why don't you pull that up real quick while I go to?

Sure.

Well, listen, man.

Because I can't find it.

There's nothing to pull up.

There's just a love and appreciation for our good friends over at cushydreams.com that have some of the finest, high-quality, hand-picked CBD in the fucking nation.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have that problem when I'm smoking weed that I want a migrant laborer to be picking it with his hands.

It's not.

It's art, it's an artisan approach, Adam.

You know that.

It's, and each fucking piece of fake weed that you smoke is cured for a long time so that it tastes good.

Yeah.

And

I personally love smoking cushy dreams.

I love smoking the fucking CBD that they have.

I adore it.

Because look, it tastes like high-quality marijuana.

It smells like it.

It feels like it.

And it is.

But it just doesn't have

psychoactive effects.

It doesn't get you high, baby.

Well, it gets you a different.

It doesn't get you high.

And it's perfect if you want to start smoking some other stuff.

You know, have you ever wanted to smoke clove cigarettes with a little CBD in it?

Oh, that sounds like a dream to me.

Go fucking break open a clove cigarette and mix it up with a little beautiful CBD from our friends at cushydreams.com.

I'm trying to stop smoking cherry-flavored pink cigarettes.

That's right.

Yeah.

And that's what's helping you fucking.

And so I started with the Cushy Dreams, and it completely set me straight.

Completely set you straight.

And it does do that also.

It makes you heterosexual.

Depending on the.

And here's the thing.

They have a lot of different blends.

They have hustle and energy for the morning.

Or if you want to be straight.

They have dream and fucking another one,

nighttime.

Yeah.

Or some shit.

If you want to go to sleep and be gay.

And I've been doing those recently.

Yep.

And I go right to bed and I think about having gay sex.

And it's the weed that's doing it, not

my mind.

Yeah, that's the important thing to remember.

That's yeah,

let's be clear there.

It's the high-quality CBD from our friends over at cushydreams.com.

And look, you want a pre-roll?

Guess what?

I know you're thinking, you're like, oh, my fingers are too saturated with pussy juice to roll my own joint.

Well, Cushy Dreams got you, bro, because they sell their CBD in beautiful pre-rolls,

which have about a gram of fucking CBD.

Or if your hands are dry and don't have pussy juice on them, you can get a you can get an eighth, an eighth, three point five grams.

And guess what, folks?

They deliver it to all 50 states.

That's also that's including our friends over in Hawaii

and Alaska.

And it's legal.

There's a little notice that's that comes with the cushion dreams that says, hello, police.

Look no further.

This is legal.

This is police.

This is legal.

So some might say

it's worth buying the Cushy Dreams for that and then selling weed afterwards.

Yeah, just putting actual weed inside of it.

Yeah, using it is good for people who are trying to quit other things.

Yeah, we said that.

So listen, if you want to.

You can drink your CBD because you can.

Because you can't.

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Come Town.

Come Town.

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Don't forget.

You're a fucking piece of shit.

Don't forget it.

You're dead to me.

CBD content is up to 20%, some of the highest in the highest in the fucking.

You cover all that shit, you guys say?

Yeah, we're good.

I guess we should have some kind of riff that we do.

We got some stuff out there.

Well, you're like riff in the middle of the,

you know, because that's what people like.

That's what they

listen to the ads because they're like, what's this?

What's this one?

It's fucking.

We can't skip over it.

Mario Andretti is smoking CBV.

What would that be like?

The race car guy.

Like, dude, I can't.

Dude, I'm not high, but I'm fucked up.

I'm fucked up.

I can't race.

I forgot who I was.

I thought I was Mario Balotelli.

Now I'm going to do race.

I'm going to come in and rape in Crocs.

Black race car driver, Lewis Hamilton.

And I'm about to,

I can't drive right because I refuse to pull up my pants.

Mario Batali.

Mario Batali.

Yeah, Balotelli is a soccer guy.

The Me Too chef.

That's right.

I got so high off Cushy Dreams, I thought I was Mario Batali.

I smoked so much CBD oil, I molested a woman.

I molested one of the ladies in my crew.

And I went to Cushy Dreams.

I took her.com.

I took her upstairs to the rape room.

Promo code ComeTown.

Bam.

Bam.

Bam.

Cuff acted to that.

You're going to love the way you're going.

You're going to love the way you're going.

You're going to love being raped.

that's one of the reasons that's why people pay us to advertise their products they like that stuff

here's you mrs robinson

i'm john madden and here's you mrs robinson

yep good cushydreams.com cushy dreams.com john madden here and a lot of people think i'm fucked up off cushy dreams are actually having a diabetic stroke

i got a diabetes

That's right.

That's right, John.

And not just that,

but your fucking dick is small, too.

My dick is small.

I'm going to the hospital.

And now you're Chinese.

I'm going to the hospital because my dick is small.

And by the way, to be clear, you're not Chinese because your dick is small.

You just happen to also turn Chinese.

That would be a funny move to have a small dick.

And then, like, you pull it out and you're like, oh my God, no, something's wrong.

We have to go to the hospital right now.

Let's fuck real quick.

Let me just get this nut off those.

We're going to fuck real quick.

And now I'll go to the Dallas room.

Straight to the emergency room.

You make her drive you to the emergency room.

You're like, wait, baby, stop by checkers real quick.

Hold on.

I could be in there for hours.

Oh, for days.

Just eating the big beaufret in the emergency room with your pants around your ankles.

You're like, yeah, my dick's usually a lot bigger.

My dick is huge.

Something happened.

Yeah, Yeah, we just fucked.

So she just.

I fucked this bitch and she got me checkers.

Yeah, so we're getting.

She's my girlfriend now.

So anyway, though, the doc gotta clear this up with the doc.

Forget the bottom of this one.

This keeps happening.

Do not look at my onion rings.

Eyes up.

The motherfucking big beautiful.

My fucking small, but usually bigger penis is up here.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying my dick is is big,

but it's bigger than this, usually.

It's usually

not like this, and I'm going to the fucking doctor's because of it.

Yeah, I got an appointment.

You're like, all right, you can drop me off here.

I'm just going to take a fucking car back.

Your pictures in the emergency room.

Like, don't let this man in.

Does it every time he fucks the girl?

Yeah, no, it's just an emergency.

God damn it, Larry.

Stop.

How do you keep getting these girls to drive you here with checkers?

You just keep getting fatter, Larry.

Real quick, let me get a big beat for it.

Anyway, we got some checkers right by here, though, real fast.

Why are you shushing me?

Just shut up and drive the...

Stop by the checkers.

Just real fast.

Look, I already called it in.

Here goes checkers.

Let's go.

Just pull it real quick.

Pull him real quick.

Jabez.

Bitch, pull in.

I did it on DoorDash.

Just pull in real quick to the checkers.

I hit pickup.

Why are you whispering?

Keep your motherfucking voice.

I ain't trying to have nobody hear your ass.

We're in my car.

Shut the fuck up.

Just pull into the checkers.

What's that shit we're doing?

Like,

you know better than bring her that bitch around, Mr.

Steele, your girl.

Shut up.

Excuse me?

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Nobody's talking to you.

I'm talking to your bitch.

I'm almost talking to you, bitch.

That's right.

No better bring a bitch around a Mac like me.

Like, excuse me.

Shut up.

Shut up, bitch.

I'm talking to your man.

Ain't nobody talking.

Ain't nobody talking to your ass.

This.

This.

Don't bring your girl around.

You steal your girl.

Woo.

A classic.

A classic.

Cushydreams.com.com.

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What do you think?

Damn.

I miss Japan.

You know?

I don't miss anything anymore.

I'm getting the crepes.

Those crepes I had by myself.

A classic Japanese crepe.

At the department store.

I don't remember those.

I went back multiple times.

I found a good-ass little crepe spot.

They have really good food in department stores stores.

I fuck with their department stores in the basement.

The basement is the candy section.

Yeah.

It's really nice.

Like the whole thing.

It's like a JC Penny's.

It's just different Kit Kats.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I love their varieties of Kit Kats.

Yeah, they're obsessed with they're ahead of us majorly in terms of Kit Kat technology.

Women dress like little boys that have to hand you candy.

Fuck.

Should we get married to Japanese women and leave America?

Yeah.

If you're a Japanese bitch and you're trying to get married to somebody,

I'll fuck with it.

If you're a

Japanese porn star that's ready to retire and you have those big-ass tits,

call in now.

I promise

we will keep your pussy censored.

All you got to do is a little quick dowry trip to Checkers.

That's right.

Spend all your fucking family's money.

Be very quiet.

You come to Checkers.

Why are you Jamaican?

Because I don't know.

You come to Checkers.

Here come the checkers.

Ponder checkers.

Ponder checkers.

Here come the checkers.

But that's a Jamaican ad for checkers.

Zoom, zoom, checkers.

In Jamaica, there we saw the Zoom Zoom ad and we thought it was the best commercial.

So now every commercial is Zoom Zoom.

Checkers, Zoom, Zoom.

Check us.

Did you guys see Adele dressed Jamaican?

She dressed Jamaican.

I think bandu knots on her shit.

Yeah, and then black people got mad, and African people were like, shut up, black people.

That's a classic.

I think she fucked Skepta.

Yeah.

And now she's appropriating.

Well, he's

Nigerian.

I also have to say, was Adele not fat anymore?

No, she looks fat.

Yeah, she lost the weight.

She looks like Katy Perry now.

I can't tell the difference.

Yeah.

Katie Perry is much fatter, Titty.

Look, man, I've said it before.

I cannot tell the difference between white women.

Me,

player, I'm telling you.

White girls, I cannot.

I cannot tell.

There's a white guy, a wigger that can't tell the difference between white people.

I got general face blindness, also.

Yeah.

But when it comes to white bitches, dude, it applies as well.

White people, I cannot tell the difference between them.

I'm telling you, the colors red and orange, I cannot be telling no difference.

Yeah, I got red-green color blindness.

Two years ago, a miter saw fell on my head from three stories up.

So that could be a contributing fact.

I started talking like I was Irish before

this.

I had grown up in Glasgow

and I sounded like a fucking cartoon character.

But now, meow.

Meow.

White bitches do be looking alike, though.

They be looking alike.

I agree.

They be looking the same, man.

They do have.

Have you guys seen that picture?

There's like eight Margot Robbie type bitches now.

In Hollywood or in general?

There's that girl that was in that movie Knock Knock or whatever.

I don't see her.

Or something.

Beep, beep.

I don't know.

Maybe it wasn't called Knock Knock.

Beep, Beep.

Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Who's got the keys to my dick?

A girl.

It was something where her husband is like, their family sold their soul to the devil.

Oh, that sounds like a movie.

It sounds metal.

It was honestly good.

It was badass.

I saw it in Oakland in a cool theater

that had like a little piano.

It was awesome.

Damn, I can't work to go to the movies again.

I can't work.

We're going to Murphy's.

To Murphy's Murphy's.

We're going to go see a Murvy at the Murphy Thordale.

I got real scored at the Murphy's.

Yeah.

That movie boost scurring me.

I got scarred.

I want to do acupuncture, dude.

There's a place right around the corner.

Yeah, they take insurance, apparently.

Not that any of us have insurance.

I don't have insurance.

Yeah, I'm trying to try that out.

What hurts?

The so-spine thing is fucking great, but it's like, I want somebody else to do it.

I'm too lazy to lay down on the floor.

I want to go.

Yeah, dude.

I went to a happy ending acupuncture place.

They put a needle in your dick.

They put a lot of needles in my dicks.

They put so many needles in your balls, it just starts coming.

Getting acupuncture into the holes.

Turning over for the happy ending.

Raw card.

I bet you they could stick a needle somewhere in your balls that would make you come so fast immediately.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

Like probably right in the middle of your balls near your ass.

Oh, God, that sounds so cool.

It does, dude.

I cannot do that.

Well, it's like, what do they say?

Nerve endings are in the bottoms of your feet.

If they stick one in like your, the, the ball of your foot, and you just start blasting.

That would be awesome.

Nerve endings.

That would be fucking tight, for real.

Mm-hmm.

Is acupuncture really a sign?

No.

It's fake, right?

It's Chinese magic.

It's Chinese magic.

But I guess people say they feel good.

What about Jeff Goldblum, the fly, but he turns into a Chinese guy?

No, that's something.

The flied lice.

That's not bad.

That's not bad, right?

Yeah.

He looks like a bad thing.

That would

turn into fried rice?

No.

Turn into anthropomorphic fried rice that talks Chinese?

No, he just turns into a Chinese woman.

He would just turn into a Chinese lady.

Yeah.

There's something there.

Yeah, it's gone.

Would she be hot?

Or like an old bag lady that picks up

plastic cans and shit.

Well, the problem is he thinks that they all look the same.

Yeah, so he checks his racism.

Oh, and he said, Listen, does he die at the end of the flight?

I don't remember.

I actually never saw it.

I saw it as a baby.

No, you saw it as a baby.

Well, you know, six or seven.

Yeah, that's a baby.

That's how old a baby is.

It's a child.

I know what you mean because you said that, and I'm like, yeah, me too.

And what I meant was when I was eight.

That's it, baby.

Because you know what?

Because sometimes it's like a it's just on TV.

Yeah, you're it's you're unsupervised the way a baby is unsupervised.

Yeah, we're on the same wave.

I wasn't actively watching it.

We speak a different language.

That's right.

But you understand each other.

That's what close.

I saw it on TV.

That's what you call.

Here's the Mrs.

Robinson.

Hey, that's what you're talking about.

And here's the you, Mrs.

Robinson.

That's a movie I also haven't seen, but people say it's good.

The Graduate?

Yeah.

One of the greatest movies of all time.

Really?

No.

I mean, it's good.

It's pretty good.

Dustin Hoffman fucks an old man.

I don't know if I'm allowed to get any pussy this summer.

Especially not from an old bitch.

Well, he gets it from the mom and the daughter.

Oh,

Mrs.

Robinson, I really don't know if I should be getting old pussy.

What if your husband finds out that my young penis has been in there?

Damn, is he cucking the daughter with the mom, or is it one after the other?

Both.

Both.

And then it should be called Here's to You, Dustin Hoffman.

That's what the song should be.

Here's to you, Mr.

Legend.

Getting pussy from an old bitch and a young one to

be.

And I'm gay, and I'm Obama.

And I'm gay.

And Dustin Hoffman is a fucking ledge.

It's me, Dustin Hoffman.

Forgetting top.

And I'm gay.

From two whores.

I'm gay, Dustin Hoffman.

And I'm gay, Dustin Hoffman.

And I am Ryan Shudd.

Also, Ryan Shudd from Meet the Paris.

And I'm Barack Obama.

You can't just meet the Paris.

Well, you can't just

meet, meet, meet the parents.

You can't meet the parents.

I'm gay.

That's Barack De Niro.

That's gay, Ryan Shots.

It's pretty good.

Woo!

Woo!

I think I need to go to the hospital.

Yeah.

For what?

Having a small day?

No.

Yeah.

For punch.

Shit.

For COVID.

We're all dying of COVID, so goodbye, everybody.

We're slowly dying of COVID.