Ep. 224 – its the cops, scram!

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Speaker 2 Well, now we're starting for real. Now we're starting, Adam.
So

Speaker 2 you're being docked to your pay for this break.

Speaker 2 I wonder what kind of what he's going to do in the bathroom. Probably look at

Speaker 2 look at pictures of guys on his phone.

Speaker 2 He's left his phone here. Let's see.
Whoa, look at his favorites. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at his, all his.

Speaker 2 What the hell?

Speaker 2 I'm typing in codes until his phone erases.

Speaker 2 You're just going to lock him out forever?

Speaker 2 No, the iPhone is disabled.

Speaker 2 Try again in a minute. Good luck looking at your phone now.
Hopefully, Adam gets here in a minute, or else we'll do it again. Yeah, for a minute.
I did that to George.

Speaker 2 You're watching Jackass. Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow, wow, wow, whatever. I guess that's going to help.
This is press buttons on a fire to tell the fire to go work.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're here. We got April's phone.
We got April's phone. It's it's 3:30 a.m.

Speaker 2 And April's about to get up for work. She's a nurse that has to driving to New York to take care of retarded kids with COVID.

Speaker 2 And we're gonna

Speaker 2 press buttons on her phone until she gets into a car accident.

Speaker 2 Driving to the hospital.

Speaker 2 We're pressing the emergency button on 911.

Speaker 2 We're calling 9-1-1-1-1-1 on people's phones.

Speaker 2 So they get in trouble. Yeah, my name is Adam Marger, and I'm a faggot.
Boop!

Speaker 2 You know, I just told the police I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 this is jackass, and this is call the police on Adam's phone and tell them that he's gay. The guy who owns his phone is gay.

Speaker 2 We're calling the police on Adam for being gay. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Bow, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 Here he comes.

Speaker 2 He's

Speaker 2 oh, we did. The police tell him, stop, tell them what we did.
We didn't do nothing. We didn't do anything.

Speaker 2 Nothing happened. If the police come and arrest you for being gay, that's because they had an investigation going.
I'm sorry. I thought that was a magnifying glass, but it's a router.

Speaker 2 It's a router for the computer. Oh, my bad.
I thought it was a magnifying glass. I was going to look at your dick.

Speaker 2 It's 5 a.m. and we're looking at Phil's dick.

Speaker 2 We're not going to wake him up.

Speaker 2 This is just going to look at his dick. I'm going to play a marsh era.
This is look at Phil's penis. Look at my own father's penis.
This is look at Phil's penis while he's asleep.

Speaker 2 It's it's it's 11 a.m. in the morning.

Speaker 2 It's and Phil's asleep. He's not asleep.
It's just night vision.

Speaker 2 It's twelve thirty in the afternoon. Phil's taking a little snack and a nap, and we're looking at his penis.

Speaker 2 Bam, what are y'all doing over there? Come on, Bam. Stop taking a peek at my dink.
Come on, Bam.

Speaker 2 Don't pink at my dink.

Speaker 2 Don't pink at it.

Speaker 2 Why are you pinking at my dink when I'm trying to slomp?

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 Phil used to look exactly like Bam. He just gains 20 pounds every year.
Young Phil?

Speaker 2 Young Phil looked exactly like Bam. I got to see this.

Speaker 2 And Bam was about to look like Bram. It's going to be funny when old Stop Verse looks like ironic Stop Vers.
Dude, absolutely. First of all, there is no ironic.
I've transcended that.

Speaker 2 I'm one and the same brother. Yeah, you live in New York long enough, and then you just, you become.

Speaker 2 People are like, oh, would you like a New York hipster? It's like, no, you guys, we'd come up with it. Yep.
And then you pretend to be us in 10 years to be gay by

Speaker 2 the guts. Yeah, dude.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Oh, this look is going to sweep the nation. Yeah.
Yeah, you're at the vanguard of a new truck.

Speaker 2 I'm not even joking. I guarantee you, I am.
The wide goatee. Wide goatee.
Hair like Fraser. I've given myself a sling blade haircut.

Speaker 2 I'm going sling blade haircut and mesh trucker hat. Love it.
Nick is

Speaker 2 a prison look.

Speaker 2 Dude, it's time. It's time to bring back Von Dutch.
Von Dutch.

Speaker 2 It's time to bring back the stuff that was popular when we first started jacking off. Phil's asleep, and we're dressing him up in Von Dutch clothes.

Speaker 2 So when he goes to work, everybody's like, whoa, what the hell is this? 2004?

Speaker 2 Whoa, who's this showing up to the factory? Is it Ashton Kutch? Who is this? Kevin Federlon.

Speaker 2 Whoa, here comes Kate Feder.

Speaker 2 Which, by the way,

Speaker 2 one of the finesse lords of all time. Yeah, just Kevin Federlon.

Speaker 2 Getting top-tier AAA pussy in the prom, ruining it, and then getting fat as hell. Getting paid, baby.

Speaker 2 And getting the kids, too.

Speaker 2 You know who's honestly the finesse Hall of Famer of all time is Paul George's current, I believe, fiancé.

Speaker 2 He got her pregnant while she was a stripper. He was dating

Speaker 2 Callie Rivers. Doc Rivers.
Who's now married to Seth Curry? Who's now married to Seth Curry?

Speaker 2 He got a stripper pregnant, offered her a million dollars to have an abortion. She said no.

Speaker 2 And then she sued for custody of the kid.

Speaker 2 He lost. And then somehow they ended up having another kid together.
And now they're dating.

Speaker 2 She fucking did it, dude.

Speaker 2 They got to retire her fucking heels at the strip club. You know what? She's crazy, but he loves her.

Speaker 2 Spam or chara. It's 3 a.m.
and this is reading goosebumps

Speaker 2 under the covers.

Speaker 2 I'm in my bedroom. This is getting scared at goosebumps.
I'm reading, it came from beneath the sink

Speaker 2 under the covers. I got a flashlight.
And I'm fucking scared. I just learned how to read again.
I'm learning how, I'm relearning how to read. I'm relearning how to skate.
And how to read.

Speaker 2 I somehow forgot how to read the English language.

Speaker 2 I spent too much time in Iceland remembering my dead friend.

Speaker 2 I spent too much time learning him.

Speaker 2 I spent too much time drawing hardograms.

Speaker 2 Shouts out. What's he up to, man? He's got to come back on the show.
He does. Damn.
He has to become fucking. I think he's thriving.
He probably doesn't remember doing the shot. I don't think he does.

Speaker 2 That was so wild. He was like just gone.
Dude. You know what? The next day, his entire life fell apart.

Speaker 2 He was on TMT

Speaker 2 slapping that fucking loser, his manager, or whatever. That was so fucking wild.
It says so much that he probably doesn't remember. And for me, it was one of the best days of my entire life.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm telling my children about it. It was a highlight.
It was a high point of my life. I mean, Gene

Speaker 2 Gene was the highlight. Gene changed my life.
Who gives a fuck about Bam Marshall? No, I care. But it was a double.
That's what's so beautiful about it. Wait, can I.
Gene plus Bam in the same day?

Speaker 2 I cared until I found out shortly after that that he was going to do Brandon Sagalow's podcast also. No, he wasn't.
Yeah, he was. And then he had the meltdown, and that's what ruined it.
Yep.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 We made him

Speaker 2 do Sagalo's podcast. So it was, yeah, well, he didn't.

Speaker 2 We cockblocked him. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Not that I have a problem. No, we love Sagalow, but let's be honest.
But, you know, I mean, if he's doing multiple podcasts in one day. Exactly.

Speaker 2 If he's doing, if we're getting guests that can do Sag's podcast, I mean,

Speaker 2 what are we? Fucking a couple of fags?

Speaker 2 You might as well

Speaker 2 call us Nick, Adam, and Stavros Fagalo. You might as well call us the fag crew.

Speaker 2 If that's what I can't wait till

Speaker 2 I can't wait till Fagalo just gets so many tweets for no reason. He's like, what? What's the fag crew?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shouts out, Brandon. I just want to do a plug real quick.
Gene started a podcast. It's called Stray Talk with Gene Dinopolis.

Speaker 2 He said he was going to do that for a while. Yeah.
So

Speaker 2 I was saying a couple of guys from the old neighborhood. It's not just talking about Italian stuff.

Speaker 2 He said that to us. No, No, he said, yeah, because it's got everything.
It's got

Speaker 2 New York for fans.

Speaker 2 No, that's a different thing. That's a different thing.
That's his reality. It was just blew out.

Speaker 2 Not to give away too much. That was his reality show, bitch, that involved Italian or elves and stuff.
So, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Gene's doing his.

Speaker 2 He's got Italian fans, got New York fans, and the Melvis. Yeah, and the Melvis.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, can you finish? Gene's doing his podcast. It's at

Speaker 2 8:30 on Monday Monday nights on Facebook Live. And I don't think that's a podcast, but

Speaker 2 is it released anywhere else? He's calling it, yeah, he posts the whole thing to Instagram. Awesome.
So he posts like a two-hour selfie video of himself.

Speaker 2 I listen to some of it. You know, the guy's got it.
He's been in entertainment for long enough.

Speaker 2 I miss him, man. God damn, dude, I miss Gene.
We got to have him. But I told him on Instagram DMs that I would plug it on the show.
Give him a little bump. So everyone,

Speaker 2 show some love to Gene.

Speaker 2 All love to Gene. All love to Gene.

Speaker 2 He's one of the greatest people I've ever met. Yo, we're taking a look at Gene's penis.

Speaker 2 We're sneaking into his house and we're looking at his penis.

Speaker 2 We are stealing his pubes from the garbage.

Speaker 2 I rode the Staten Island Ferry the other night and went in the bathroom and somebody had just left

Speaker 2 just all their pews. That's awesome.
Trimming your shock hair shaving.

Speaker 2 Right before you got cleaned up, before you go get some trim.

Speaker 2 Some Staten Island

Speaker 2 tanks. Getting that Shaolin pussy.
Going out to the islands to get some pussy. Absolutely.
I love that. I love that.
That fucking rules, dude. Have you ever trimmed your hair in public, Adam?

Speaker 2 No, I can't say I. We'll talk about it a little later.
Say at the 20-minute mark. Okay.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that's a great idea to talk about that.

Speaker 2 Um, sounds good. Nick and I, on the way here, we saw a very confusing assortment of bumper stickers on a car.
What do we got? It was four USMC crests, okay,

Speaker 2 four Marine Corps crests. What was it, Nick?

Speaker 2 The free sticker that comes with Apple with your products.

Speaker 2 Awesome.

Speaker 2 Good man is a user of the Apple also experience fuck QuickBooks payments for stealing that's on record twelve hundred dollars for us i know that's not a thing that anyone who's listening to the show is going to use yeah no absolutely put a hard fuck them unless quickbooks starts making like a

Speaker 2 diet energy drink right i think nobody listening to this show if there's that if there's a way to harass quickbooks payments yes for once do something good with your fucking trolling i don't know how or even

Speaker 2 in any capacity but fuck that company who owns it quicken

Speaker 2 is it it's all a company called? It's all a company called Intuit

Speaker 2 that lobbies the government to keep taxes complicated so they can continue robbing people. Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 The reason taxes are complicated is because

Speaker 2 they pay lobbyists so that their software stays relevant. So you heard, yep.
So

Speaker 2 if you want to harass them or you want to do a whole Tyler Durden type of situation. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, whatever that is. If you want to start a fight club or whatever.
You know. Yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 this is having gay sex if you want to set the world on fire that's all it is yeah this is having stuff

Speaker 2 stop whispering you know i was thinking about like how you know like uh teachers get caught for pretending to be black or afro-latino

Speaker 2 um free jessica krug or whatever her name is right but then but they're they're always doing that right there's always like some woke professor that's like on twitter it's it's professors shouldn't have twitter i think that's for sure yeah it's so annoying when professors because you know what it is It's the distillation of professors trying to be cool.

Speaker 2 Right. When you're on Twitter, that's like the fucking E-version of like putting a chair.
Can I have one of those bananas? Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 It really telegraphs that you're trying to get some 18-year-old posts. But how about a professor that's like, he gets outed because he's been pretending to be gay?

Speaker 2 He's on social media. He's like, I love Karl Marx.

Speaker 2 There's nothing I love more than the thing we need to, what we need to do is make sure that straight people

Speaker 2 don't. and then people are like, How about this video of you from five years ago where you're like, I tell you, there's nothing I love more than red lobster.

Speaker 2 I get those cheese biscuits and then I pounce

Speaker 2 a lot of things have changed since then. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 You could, you could say you late in life. See, that's the flaw in your plan.
You could say late in life, I became gay. I became gay.
I'm gay. I'm gay.
I'm gay.

Speaker 2 George,

Speaker 2 I'm having gay sex.

Speaker 2 I'm sucking off guys.

Speaker 2 Sucking off, guys? You can't be sucking off guys, Jerry. All right, wait, let me finish the stickers.
But I'm having gay sex.

Speaker 2 Two Sunoco gas station stickers. Sunoko, I call it Suck Noco.
Because then I go to the bathroom and I suck off guys.

Speaker 2 Two zombie apocalypse investigation unit stickers. Oh, that's pretty cool.
A New York Yankees NY decal.

Speaker 2 I'd love for Aaron Judge to fuck my ass. And what kind of guy was it driving the car? China.
Oh, no, no. A Mexican flag.
But instead of the eagle in the middle, it had a menorah. Oh, what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that one's the best. That was an Italian flag.
Was it? Oh, no. Yeah, it was Italian.
Makes a lot more sense. There's a lot of intermixing between those two wretched races.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the red, yellow, or red,

Speaker 2 white, and green. Not red, gold, and green Rasta colors.

Speaker 2 So then Nick's sped up to 100 so we could see what kind of guy it was. Of course.
And it was an Indian man. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 I wonder if there's Indian Jewish people. I mean, there's got to be this Jewish country.
Yes, there are countries. There are.
Really? Yeah. I knew.
It's just in there in India.

Speaker 2 You guys mean like that? Maybe I'll smell a little bit worse.

Speaker 2 Maybe you stink a little bit more. Yes.

Speaker 2 Smell just a little bit stinkier.

Speaker 2 Another classic mashup character. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I have to hit send on an email. I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 What is it? Is it with gay pornography? You have to say, send me.

Speaker 2 What do you have to?

Speaker 2 I mean, the ways, the interesting ways fat people find to be lazy. They're like, I'll write the email, then I'll take a 15-minute break before clicking send.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 I ran out of finger stuff. You're having a typing thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, stop. I do.
Oh, okay. First of all,

Speaker 2 I want to publicly acknowledge I went into piss after you took a shit. God damn, I was a little bit more.
For a man with such a big ass

Speaker 2 and a big belly, I got to say, really not

Speaker 2 much of a

Speaker 2 appreciate that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it's not like there was an Indian Jewish guy in there

Speaker 2 just cooking dinner.

Speaker 2 By the way, I was not taking a break.

Speaker 2 I had to send a file, and it takes a while to upload, and I forgot. Thank you very much.
Oh, okay. You know.

Speaker 2 How long does it take you guys to upload something that's like a gig?

Speaker 2 Like on Google Drive? A while, right? I have no idea.

Speaker 2 I don't really pay attention. Unless my uploading, how much is bullshit?

Speaker 2 You should see if you can get Fios. I would love Fios.
I can't get Fios in my neighborhood. Yeah.
No, Verizon is like...

Speaker 2 Verizon, like, I guess, and I don't remember all the details or any of them, really.

Speaker 2 But they, so, like, they, you know, because they owned all the phone lines, yeah, they had to provide phone service to everybody, and, like, they weren't allowed to, like, just discontinue that service, even though it cost them a lot of money to keep it going, right?

Speaker 2 And so, they were like

Speaker 2 half the time they're like, well, we'll just take the fines, I guess. We'll just, you know, cut people off.
Fuck them, they don't get loans, fuck these people, poor people, yeah. Uh,

Speaker 2 but they made like some kind of deal where if they like promised to roll out fiber fiber to a certain amount of like it's it's it's all all in the east coast like here and then I think in

Speaker 2 in like Boston and then DC or something. They could cut off phone service if they rolled out a certain amount of like

Speaker 2 fiber optic networks and then they just didn't do it. They just cut off the phone service and then

Speaker 2 respect. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So wait. So now they aren't doing it or they're not? No,

Speaker 2 there's still like a there's no home phone service where I live. right? And there's only one option for internet, yeah.

Speaker 2 I might move, dude. I might say goodbye to this place.
Yeah, you're gonna stay in Astoria?

Speaker 2 I don't know, maybe Greenpoint, maybe Park Slope. Park Slope's nice, somewhere cute.
Me and my pamarshare, and this is House Hunter Center.

Speaker 2 We're talking with a couple, and I think they're gay.

Speaker 2 They're looking for a three- to four-bedroom,

Speaker 2 preferably rancher in the Texas Hill Country.

Speaker 2 oh i love a ranch house why

Speaker 2 because i like one-story houses you do yeah i like a big one story i don't know i like multiple stories

Speaker 2 to me no that's it's too much with the stairs you know i like to be able to take a segue everyone everywhere i go in my house you want to be able to rollerblade i like to have a tech startup kind of vibe at my crib that's awesome bro yeah i like to rollerblade throughout the house now to me, having multiple stories is elegance.

Speaker 2 Oh, boys, big news, especially in New York. See, all I want in New York, if you have multiple stories, you're fucking Matt Damon.
I just want a big-ass garage. Yeah, that's the dream.

Speaker 2 That would be awesome. That fucking hanger.

Speaker 2 And then you just, you know, that's your world, dude. Yeah, dude.
You have tools,

Speaker 2 fucking bench. That's your world, dude.
That's your world, that's it. You can do whatever you want.
Go ahead and fuck me, man. I don't care.
Go ahead. You want to molest me, bro?

Speaker 2 What's up? You want to fucking molest me?

Speaker 2 See if I fucking care.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Kiss me up.
Touch me. Kiss me up.
Fucking rock my world, homes. I don't care.
Suck my balls, homie. Fucking go ahead.
Put my balls in your mouth, man. Yeah, show me stuff.

Speaker 2 Let me see something. Teach me how to fuck a man.
I don't care. That's right.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm not even playing with you, homes. You want to take me into a basement and make me do videos with other little boys? I don't care.

Speaker 2 I'll fucking dress up. I'll do shit.
I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 Put a dress on me, Ams. Fucking take advantage of me.
I don't fucking lure me into your car. See if I fucking

Speaker 2 give a fuck, man. Give me candy.
Take me back to your place. Fucking spread me out.
Let's see how wide I can get.

Speaker 2 I don't care who am I going to tell. I keep secrets, that's it.

Speaker 2 I don't even care, man. Fuck my ass.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it seems that your son, Michael,

Speaker 2 was most likely molested, and now he's in a fugue state in which he thinks he's a South

Speaker 2 Southern California

Speaker 2 Latino gangster.

Speaker 2 And, you know, the fugue state, that is kind of normal, but we haven't seen

Speaker 2 a personality split to this degree where a six-year-old boy from Danbury, Connecticut

Speaker 2 thinks that he's a cholo.

Speaker 2 Where did he even have access to these kinds of archetypes? We don't know because the man who molested him was a Jewish mailman. So it's not even like, you know.

Speaker 2 It's possible he was playing Training Day

Speaker 2 in the background. He was playing Blood in Blood Out.
He was playing Blood and Blood Out. It's possible, but we're not positive.

Speaker 2 I don't even care. I don't care, man.
Can I have my Switch back? Give me my Switch and give me some fucking camera.

Speaker 2 Let me get my fucking Switch so I can play Animal Crossing while I think about being molested.

Speaker 2 I don't even fucking care. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Every single day after school. I thought you were my uncle.

Speaker 2 This is why I remember my dad saying the whole password thing was stupid. And then look what happened.
Six months later, I'm fucking molested, bro. I'm getting my ass fucked, bro.

Speaker 2 They tell you that password thing for a fucking reason.

Speaker 2 I bet you he's got a password on his fucking email he uses to cheat on mom.

Speaker 2 But for some reason, when it comes to who gets to pick me up from school,

Speaker 2 the password thing is quote unquote gay.

Speaker 2 It's a gay, it's gay to have who the fuck is going to pretend to be your uncle to pick you up. Those were his exact words.

Speaker 2 And now I got to live like this. Now I'm talking like this, man.
How am I going to get a fucking job, bro?

Speaker 2 My name is Anthony Wexler.

Speaker 2 I'm seven years old.

Speaker 2 I'm six. I'm Seeks.
I'm Seeks.

Speaker 2 I'm Seeks.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking Seeks. I'm six years old.

Speaker 2 Now I fucking talk like this.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, that guy who shaved his pubes in the bathroom of the Stan Island Ferry. Yes.

Speaker 2 Probably could have done a better job if he had been using the manscaped

Speaker 2 lawnmower 3.0 or perfect package.

Speaker 2 And he may have been. He may have just enjoyed.

Speaker 2 Well, the thing is, with the quiet stroke motor, the quiet stroke technology, he probably could have been operating the lawnmower 3.0 in the bathroom in a public restroom, and no one would have been the wiser.

Speaker 2 That's how quiet and seamless this motor is. And he wouldn't even need to turn the light on because it's got a built-in LED.
That's exactly correct.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Manscaped is they're dedicated to helping you level up your full-body grooming game,

Speaker 2 Which is that's a really cool thing. That's an awesome thing to do.
That's dedicated, too.

Speaker 2 Dude, imagine. Go ahead, man.
Level up my full button. Go ahead.
Level me up. Level me up, bro.
Go ahead. Come rock my fucking world.
Fuck around and find out. Come watch me get nasty with it.

Speaker 2 Put it out.

Speaker 2 I don't care.

Speaker 2 I'm in fucking second grade.

Speaker 2 I'm not a fucking kindergarten baby.

Speaker 2 I'm not a fucking kindergarten baby who's scared of stuff. Go ahead.
Level me up.

Speaker 2 Level up my body grooming.

Speaker 2 They actually just released their Shears 2.0 nail kit, which is the perfect add-on package to the Lawnmower 3.0 or perfect package. Sounds awesome.
The Shears 2.0 is a luxury four-piece nail kit.

Speaker 2 I actually looked it up. It's cheap as shit.
It's like fucking... Really? Yeah, it's like $10, $20.
Nice. You think, because the other things are like full deal.

Speaker 2 They actually do have... Now I look at their pricing and stuff

Speaker 2 now yep now that it's time to do an ad now it's time to do an ad it's it's uh it's very reasonable and good in fact more than reasonable cheap it's it's it is dog shit cheap this is some cheap shit

Speaker 2 some fucking garabage

Speaker 2 no i mean just like they're they're like because you think well it's oh it's just clippers right

Speaker 2 and yes it's just clippers but they're also uh they did something to make sure that your ball skin doesn't get sucked into the clippers.

Speaker 2 But then this shit, it's like it comes with underwear. You get this fucking lotion.
Oh, yeah. And I will say,

Speaker 2 I've shaved my nuts with it multiple times. It's awesome.
Yeah. It is awesome.
And you best believe that underwear has the branded manscaped around the fucking elastic.

Speaker 2 So all the wars know your nuts are fucking.

Speaker 2 My pubs aren't dense enough to do a fade, and I'm all about fades. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 I got slashes through my pubes.

Speaker 2 I got the Nike swoosh. I did the Nike swoosh into the hair around my asshole.
That's awesome. With the manscaping

Speaker 2 lawnmower 3.0 with the skin, but so no, they got this, like this, the perfect package 3.0. You get the lawnmower, the crop preserver.
It's an anti-ball chafing deodorant. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I'll put that shit on. They got a toner and refresher, and then a magic mat, which is a disposable, it's like a diaper.
It's a disposable shaving mat

Speaker 2 that you can

Speaker 2 that you stick a shit inside of. That you stand on.

Speaker 2 You can take a standing dump.

Speaker 2 If you're on the train, you're wearing a dress because it's New York. Yes.

Speaker 2 And everyone here wears dresses. It's a hot New York day.
You got that breeze coming up your dress. I'm in New York homes and I want to take a dump on the train.
I don't care, bro.

Speaker 2 I'll take a dump right here. I hit up the

Speaker 2 manscaped magic mat to take a dump right on there. But look,

Speaker 2 you get a travel bag. It's a $40 travel bag.
i with the bag yeah see i mean you get a lot of shit what they do is they curate

Speaker 2 they curate a whole experience around grooming yourself you're getting your nuts absolutely right i think that the the problem in prior to this in terms of understanding what's going on is like it's not about one individual product but the the entire process and ritual of self-care and grooming which is what is presented by this company.

Speaker 2 That's right. That's why, you know, you throw the shears on there too.
You take care of your nails. I would never take care of my nails.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'd bite my nails. But

Speaker 2 if I had this package where I just shaved my nuts and then applied a cleanser and a toner, which I have done, and it feels great.

Speaker 2 I like to slap it up. At that point, I would take the scissors and the nail kit, which I also have, and finish the process of grooming.
Yeah. Circumcise yourself.
Human beings

Speaker 2 are animals of ritual.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you need the entire grooming experience, which is why it makes sense that these are sort of grouped into these packages. I agree 100%, which are reasonably priced and sexy.

Speaker 2 Oh, they're sexy, they're set, they're sexy, you're probably wearing flip-flops, and people don't want to see those nasty unclipped toes of yours. Actually,

Speaker 2 no, you're not. You're probably putting on socks and shoes and not leaving your house.
You're dressing up to sit down at the computer and write your manifesto,

Speaker 2 but you need to be well-groomed.

Speaker 2 I love it, dude. I take my cold shower in the morning, I apply

Speaker 2 dog shit to my face.

Speaker 2 You mean literal dog shit? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I heat up a knife on the stove and I press it against my body.

Speaker 2 And, you know, and then I do my endscaping with the perfect patches.

Speaker 2 Yeah, before that, you were using a hot

Speaker 2 water knife to shave your nuts. Before that, it was about punishment.
Yeah. But what I realized is it's about ritual.

Speaker 2 And yeah. You have nothing but these disgusting, disfigured marks all across your thighs and nuts.
But now, with the fucking Lawnmower 3.0, those are a thing of the past. No, it is nice, though.

Speaker 2 Like self-care and grooming or whatever. If you get into a habit of doing it, it gives you something to do immediately when you wake up and you're not like,

Speaker 2 the fuck am I, you know,

Speaker 2 instead of just laying in bed, maybe jacking off. I never lay in bed.
I get up and then I'm like, what the fuck am I mad about? Right.

Speaker 2 You know, and then I find something.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 there goes the day. Oh, great.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whatever this is.

Speaker 2 There's a Chinese guy going through my recycling.

Speaker 2 Perfect Package 3.0 comes at the Essential Lawnmower 3.0 waterproof cordless body trimmer and a ton of other liquid before made. That's cool.
You can do it in the shower. Yeah.

Speaker 2 See, I wouldn't, though. You take the shower, you apply your shit or whatever, then you get out.

Speaker 2 Or you start off.

Speaker 2 You start off shaving.

Speaker 2 Then you go for a rinse. I don't combine the shower with anything.
No?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I've thought about brushing my teeth. I've been thinking about setting a timer so I take the exact same length of shower every single day.
That would be nice.

Speaker 2 Or just a stopwatch and then try to train myself to naturally do an hour and 15 minutes in the cold. What would you say your showers go for? Probably five minutes now at most.
Five? Three minutes.

Speaker 2 Wow, navy shower. Yeah, no, I hop in, I fucking lather up.

Speaker 2 Especially like, you know, now that my hair is short. Yeah, you don't have to shampoo.
Yeah. Oh, I do shampoo.
I shampoo when I have short hair. When I have long hair, I don't.
Interesting.

Speaker 2 Because it's the natural oils.

Speaker 2 See,

Speaker 2 now that I have hair, I shampoo, I condition everything.

Speaker 2 You have more hair than I do now. I know.
Yeah, way more. I know.
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 I'm fatter than you are. That's true.
You're also like getting close to being able to grow a beard. Yeah.
Well, I'm sticking with the goatee. Thank you very much.
I mean, it's a great look.

Speaker 2 Tony Stark Prano. It is a really good look.

Speaker 2 The Tony Stark Prano.

Speaker 2 Pretty much exactly. I'm Tony Stark Prano, dude.
You got to tell the guys at home, you did that by using, you used the Manscaped.

Speaker 2 Right from my nuts to my face. The double chin shaver, which is

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Speaker 2 And, you know, I mean,

Speaker 2 Yeah, see, start your day off shaving your

Speaker 2 day. Shaving your cock every single day.

Speaker 2 I like to go a little, like, just like a little pencil line around the base of my cock. Oh, that's cool.
Because then you get the optical inch without keeping some pieces. The Raul.
The Raul.

Speaker 2 That's an awesome name.

Speaker 2 I love giving my cock the Raoul.

Speaker 2 And then I put,

Speaker 2 Manscape sells it also, but I have a little

Speaker 2 Saint Anthony medallion. Oh, you have to have that.
Yeah, that I put around for good luck. Yeah.
And then a little wife beater that goes over my bubbles. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 I have a pair of rosary beads I wrap around my package.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Are they the world's smallest rosary beads? They're so small, bro.

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Zoolander.

Speaker 2 Lanscaping. What is this? Promo code.
Penis rosary bead for ants. What is this? A penis for ants?

Speaker 2 What is this? A penis for ants. What is this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Speaker 2 Those were good bananas. That was a good banana.
Was it? It looked a little green to me. I love bananas.
I like an underripe banana. No.
I do. I don't like a spotty banana.

Speaker 2 I don't like a spotty one either, but I don't like an underripe. I like an undertriend.
You can likes

Speaker 2 an underripe. Ellie eat all kinds of bananas.
Adam likes it when they're hard and firm. That's true.
That makes sense. Actually, now that I think that's good.
I like a nice soft, sweet banana.

Speaker 2 Hard, firm. A little sweet cheek.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, slide that soft, sweet banana into my ass. See if I care, Holmes.
I don't even fucking care. I don't even, you know what? I'm on the playground.
Come find me. Go find me.

Speaker 2 Come find me on the fucking playground. I'm hiding in the slide.

Speaker 2 All the other kids, they were smart and they ran away to their parents, but I stayed in the slide. Guess who fished me out?

Speaker 2 Guess who fucking guessed which the Jewish mailman fished me out?

Speaker 2 Now I'm fucking. Now I'm a Cholo man.
Yeah, it's fucking blood in, blood out. Blood in, blood out, dude.
Only way out is to be unmolested. So that doesn't work.

Speaker 2 How could you get unmolested?

Speaker 2 A hot lady fucking you? No, you have to molest

Speaker 2 it. You got to molest it.
You have to molest a grown man. I didn't understand what people, when they would be like, the only way out is in a box.
When I was a kid,

Speaker 2 but like they mail you somewhere.

Speaker 2 How Garfield gets rid of Normal.

Speaker 2 That was his move. Yeah.
Send him a fucking artifact gone.

Speaker 2 We had that debate about whether Normal was a girl. He was a guy.
Yeah, insane. I can see why he was annoyed by Normal now.
Oh, because he's a gay guy, not a hot girl. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he thought it was a hot chick at first.

Speaker 2 He was getting his dick sucked by Normal. He went to finger pop him.
And he's like, what the hell is this? This is a cat picking up. I'm gay now.
Look at that. You can't even see the flame.

Speaker 2 Why'd you light a plastic on fire? What did you even smell about? Because I'm twisty.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 shit. One of our other

Speaker 2 sponsors is the Pyro Cool Pyro. Pyros for porno.
Pyro. Porno for pyros.
I'm going to put that out.

Speaker 2 That drips on my skin and definitely burns the shit out of me.

Speaker 2 I did that once when I was a kid by accident. You burned yourself with plastic? Yeah.
I could see you being a kid that lit shit on fire. Not all the time.
Occasionally. Just for a scared.

Speaker 2 You try it out. Yeah.
Yeah. I was scared.

Speaker 2 You were scared. You were scared of fire.
You were scared to light shit on fire? Yeah, yeah. Why? I didn't want to get burned.
I was too pretty.

Speaker 2 No, that's.

Speaker 2 I'm.

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 I was too precious. I was taught that I was precious, yeah, and I didn't want to harm myself.
Who's the fire guy, Prometheus? Prometheus, yeah, yeah, he was cool, yeah.

Speaker 2 He said, Fuck the gods, I've got a Promethean mentality,

Speaker 2 you know, let's figure shit out,

Speaker 2 let's cut ourselves into tools.

Speaker 2 Prometheus was like, Look, everybody, it can't just be gods that get to have fucking ribs.

Speaker 2 Everybody else should have ribs and fucking

Speaker 2 shit like that. Is that your patron god? No, I don't think he's a god.
He's not a god. He stole from the gods.
He stole from the gods. He was like, What's up? Who's Hephaestus? That's the

Speaker 2 god. That's the guy in the fucking

Speaker 2 blacksmith. Yes.
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 Yep. Hephaestus rocks.
He is cool. He's metal.
And he's always, yeah, he's always like in his dark little fucking cave and he's just got he's banging shit. He's like strong.

Speaker 2 He's a he's a Zad. Hephaestus is a Zaddy.

Speaker 2 Apollo is definitely a twink. I've been listening to Sabbath again recently.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Which albums? Technical Ecstasy. Oh, shit.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That one's got like the gas mask, like pilot cover, right? I think so. People said that wasn't like that was reviewed poorly, but I like that one.
It's sick. Yeah.
Yeah. And that's a cool name.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. Sabbath, bloody Sabbath.

Speaker 2 Who sucks on your dick? Check out this guy. Me.

Speaker 2 I'm gay!

Speaker 2 My dick's small. Nick, you're going to have a phase, I think, where you learn blacksmith shit.
Probably not. You don't think so? You don't want to forge in your backyard? Nah, that seems gay to me.

Speaker 2 But you just said Hephaestus was cool. Metalworking, sure.
I could get into that. Metalworking.
What's the difference?

Speaker 2 Well, one's you build a forge in your backyard and make swords for other fags to

Speaker 2 make it

Speaker 2 fair.

Speaker 2 And then the other one's you get like. You get fences and gates and stuff.
No.

Speaker 2 You know who's really into that?

Speaker 2 Metalworking? Who? Bob Dylan. Oh, my God.
Shut the fuck up. He's really scared.
He's really into that. It is gay.
I just remember. No, it's not gay.
First of all, I always said it was.

Speaker 2 You always said it was. You just said it was cool two minutes ago.
Because I thought Nick was talking about making swords, which he thinks is gay, but I think it's cool.

Speaker 2 But not for a Renfair to slice your enemies up. It'd be cool to get into gunsmithing.

Speaker 2 Make guns? That would be cool. That's cooler than making fences.

Speaker 2 Bob Dylan makes fences, and you think that's cool. He makes like wrought iron gates.
Oh, what a fucking loser. He's not a loser, dude.
He's cool. He sucks.

Speaker 2 When you type in Prometheus, all you get is the aliens from Prometheus. They fucked it up, dude.
They fucked up the Google. Those aliens are badass, though.
Yeah. The Prometheus?

Speaker 2 I just watched Aliens 1 and 2. I'm about to watch the whole rest of them.

Speaker 2 Did you like it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were good.

Speaker 2 Although, I liked Alien, the first one, better. Look at this dude.
Than the James Cameron one. Imagine looking like that.
That was pretty good. That's what I imagined myself.

Speaker 2 When I shaved my head, that's what I thought I felt like.

Speaker 2 That's what looked back at me in the mirror.

Speaker 2 Now I look different now that I have hair and a goatee.

Speaker 2 That is just like.

Speaker 2 That's what they should do.

Speaker 2 When people are going bald and they have those sympathy articles or whatever, they're like Bruce Willows for the Jason Satham. The Prometheus alien.
The Prometheus alien. That's me.

Speaker 2 That was me.

Speaker 2 I've abandoned that look now.

Speaker 2 This is just what white people would look like if they looked like black people.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 If like white people were

Speaker 2 white people were as white as some black guys are black people. They're black, yes.

Speaker 2 That's what you would look like.

Speaker 2 This guy would be like, hey, son, you ever hear about Adolf Hitler?

Speaker 2 Let me tell you, hey, son, let me holler at you.

Speaker 2 There was this professor named Adolf Hitler. All right? And he understood that there was a master race.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Just this guy hanging out on Fulton. A white Fulton.
Everyone look up the Prometheus aliens. The Prometheus aliens, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you're cool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just wearing the white version of Kente Claus, which I guess is like Scottish Tartans. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 although I gotta say that's too white yeah vicious traps look at that yeah damn damn look at his neck yeah insane I know what that looks like because that's why I look like I'm gonna get big traps just brushing your hair

Speaker 2 I do have a brush a friend of mine got me a brush he said it stimulates hair growth oh nice yeah so that's what I'm doing oh comb a forward oh yeah let's see a nice forward you like the comb forward

Speaker 2 that's a full head of hair right there That's awesome. Dude, I'm about to be a comb over length for sure.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. This is a great visual.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you guys aren't getting our friends at home are getting a lot of money. But guess what? Shut the fuck up.
Just picture stuff brushing his hair forward.

Speaker 2 That is a great look. Wow.
Dude, going bald is so funny. Yeah, well, I have hair, so I don't know what you mean.

Speaker 2 Before I had short hair.

Speaker 2 And I was telling you guys for the longest time I have hair. You're right.
I choose to have it short. And now how, now look who's got egg on their face.
Look who's talking now.

Speaker 2 Look who's putting egg on their face to stimulate hair growth.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, anyone should be doing that. Not just.

Speaker 2 If there was a way, like if there was like just like some, they cured it, right?

Speaker 2 Like you take a pill, and then it's fucking all back. You do it? That's a hard question.

Speaker 2 That's like the X-Men, dude.

Speaker 2 Would they be normal?

Speaker 2 The pill also makes you lose 150 pounds. Oh, that's tough.

Speaker 2 I'll just be like a skinny guy with hair. Yeah.
Yeah. I lose both my essences at once.
Think about it.

Speaker 2 That's really tough. Honestly, I am literally.
It sounds like it. It's not a bit.
I'm honestly grappling with this. Really? Yeah.
Interesting.

Speaker 2 Am I even me if it's a little bit more than that? The pill also makes you 6'3. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. And it makes your dick deader deader and harder.

Speaker 2 It gives you at least an average dick.

Speaker 2 Does it make your foreskin wider? That's all I need. Yeah, it stretches.
It stretches out your foreskin, but not too baggy.

Speaker 2 Wow. I guess I'd have to do it, but it would be.

Speaker 2 I guess I wouldn't. You know what it is? I don't even mind if all that stuff happened to me, but I'd want to earn it.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I wouldn't want to overnight become somebody else. Yeah.
I'd want to have a journey to get there. Yeah, nobody wants to take those pills.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 I guess I would do it for the hair alone. It's not about the destination, though.
I feel it. It's about the journey.
It is.

Speaker 2 The Odyssey, brother. That's a good one.
The Odyssey. I want to get pussy on that island where all my guys turn into pigs.
I want to get tied down so I don't get pussy from the fucking harpies.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of getting pussy involved in the Odyssey.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of betting, too. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 A lot of gambling.

Speaker 2 Odysseus is doing a lot of wagering. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you know, football season is back. Oh, yeah.
It's back in full. Is it actually,

Speaker 2 is it back with Antonio Brown or is it back with

Speaker 2 Antonio Brown is on the Raiders? The Raiders. Did we get the copy or no? Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 Antonio Brown is on the Oakland Raiders.

Speaker 2 How about this? Tom Brady is on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Okay.
Wow. You're blowing my mind.
Well, the NFL is back, and this year there's no black people.

Speaker 2 They finally did it. They finally took the plunge and said, we're going to be the only sport that's racist.

Speaker 2 All of the other ones, those are going to be woke sports.

Speaker 2 Is there a racist sport left?

Speaker 2 I mean, the NFL is sort of a lot of the ownership. What's the most racist sport now? The NFL pivoted to woke, though.
Not really. They're trying to.

Speaker 2 The most racist sport, I guess there's some black hockey players.

Speaker 2 Probably hockey or baseball, I guess. No, baseball's got tons of Afro-Latinas.
Yeah, but all those guys are like

Speaker 2 black, Poppy.

Speaker 2 I'm white, man. I don't mean

Speaker 2 the black.

Speaker 2 All those guys are like that. Yeah, they like blast hookah.
Yep.

Speaker 2 They watch porn in the dugout. Yeah, oh, that's awesome.
On small kitchen TV. Well, mybookie.ag, you can fucking do whatever.
Yep. Yeah, you can do whatever.
You can do whatever the fuck.

Speaker 2 You can bet money.

Speaker 2 You can bet inches of your cock. You can just do whatever you go down.

Speaker 2 They got Oregon Trading.

Speaker 2 Vega Oregon Trail. Oregon Trail.
Oregon Training.

Speaker 2 You can play Oregon Trail.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You can do a lot of that sort of thing. Your auxencing can get dysentery.
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Speaker 2 Really? Yes. A lot of people hard up on cash right now.
You should invest in your intuition. Who exactly is doing this read right now? My name is Martin Krapp.
Martin Krabb.

Speaker 2 And I just got out of jail for molesting a six-year-old.

Speaker 2 I'm a Jewish mailman.

Speaker 2 Come on, man.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, hopefully you're rehabilitated, Martin. And

Speaker 2 he's 10 more kids. He served his time.
I got out on a technicality. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Because they could not get the six-year-old to say his own name in court.

Speaker 2 He was in a fugue state and would only identify as a 27-year-old Latino man

Speaker 2 from

Speaker 2 Frogtown, Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 He said, I'm Frogtown's finest.

Speaker 2 And because

Speaker 2 they couldn't get him to testify or identify me,

Speaker 2 I received an offer to become the spokesperson for mybookie.ag

Speaker 2 because they said, what are the odds? Right. What are the odds? You did beat the odds.
You beat the odds.

Speaker 2 What finer spokesman for a gambling website than a man who skated on fucking child charges? Exactly.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like in movies where they get a guy who's arrested for hacking and they want the best hat. Right, right.
My bookie, they wanted a guy who's the best at beating the odds.

Speaker 2 Yep, you're a regular swordfish. And I said, I don't know anything about gambling.
I just molest children.

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Speaker 2 Martin crap.

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Speaker 2 free play,

Speaker 2 which is

Speaker 2 free play has a different meaning for me. So I'm not

Speaker 2 exactly sure what it means in the context of

Speaker 2 gambling. Free play in my household is when,

Speaker 2 you know, we

Speaker 2 let open the cages in the basement, but lock the door at the top of the steps. That's a scary.

Speaker 2 So the children are able to, you know, kind of they get it's it's sort of a cage-free experience for right. With the exception of, you know, if you consider that the basement is sealed and soundproof.

Speaker 2 Right. So it's like cage-free eggs.
There's no daylight. Right, exactly.
It's cage-free kids.

Speaker 2 So what you would call organic molestation. Organic kids, yeah.

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Speaker 2 the only sports book that has a uh convicted uh

Speaker 2 but one on appeal pedophile so not convict oh on appeal okay

Speaker 2 so your name they they wiped your slate clean your name is good Are you on the registry, Martin?

Speaker 2 The Sex Offenders Registry? Um

Speaker 2 sorry, an email came in

Speaker 2 and I started thinking about what I want to eat after this is over.

Speaker 2 And now I'm not Martin anymore. I'm back to being me.
And the Chuck seized on my drill for the second time in six months. I'm going to have to send it off to get warrantied.
Okay. And I'm pissed.

Speaker 2 Adam, you want to slap Nick so he stops talking that voice? What can we do to get you to snap out? He's just trapped in Martin.

Speaker 2 I guess I could keep talking like we're doing. No, Martin.

Speaker 2 It is a good voice. Martin has a little Obama.
This is like a little piece of Obama. Goldbloom, a little bit of a book.

Speaker 2 He's Goldbloom Obama.

Speaker 2 Martin.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 My bookie.

Speaker 2 You can have sex with the website.

Speaker 2 MyBookie.ag

Speaker 2 is one of the only websites that you can have sex with the website.

Speaker 2 Wow, that's cool. Man, having sex with things you can't have sex with is awesome.
I've always wanted to fuck a website.

Speaker 2 Playbed win, win, what? An opportunity to fuck your computer.

Speaker 2 Maybe, yes.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, that's one of the few websites you can load up and just put the computer

Speaker 2 right into your ass

Speaker 2 and type on the computer with your ass muscles.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 It says original Gold Blue iMac ads. Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, think, dance, play.

Speaker 2 You can put the computer in your iMac.

Speaker 2 The new iMac, you can have sex with it.

Speaker 2 Poor penis on the iMac.

Speaker 2 Oh, for those like orange and blue. Yeah, yeah, the original ones.
Well, that was like, that was where like Apple was like, let's be cool. And they came out with the iMac.

Speaker 2 And that was that big campaign with Goldblum. I did think they were cool.
I was a child. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I do remember thinking those were cool computers.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And BS.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited about this. You know how easy it is to take your home videos and turn them into movies? Listen to this.
You get an iMac, of course.

Speaker 2 Get your digital video camera, hook it up, and start iMovie. They've got effects in there now.
You can, you know, make it real fast. Ooh, or get slow motion, make it dramatic.

Speaker 2 Or you can take a piece of music, put it under your footage, and all of a sudden, people are laughing, crying. I don't know, whatever you want.

Speaker 2 I've got cheesy ideas, but you'll do something creative that will make you want to go, ooh, let's watch that again and again and again and again.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 a new iMac, you're going to load it up. You can pull up a cock.

Speaker 2 This is really cool. They got the gay pornography on here.

Speaker 2 And you can look at it. You can pull out your cock.
I don't know. I've got cheesy ideas, but

Speaker 2 you can pull out your cock, beat off in front of all of your friends.

Speaker 2 The entire computer will fit in your ass. Put into the whole thing in your ass.
Just take off your pants, sit down on the top of the computer, and keep pushing until it's inside the barn.

Speaker 2 I almost shit.

Speaker 2 I almost literally sharded. Just now? Yeah, I thought I got a text.

Speaker 2 Now the couch is rolling.

Speaker 2 Because there's something that's about to pop out of my ass, I'll tell you that much. Keep it in, brother.

Speaker 2 I'm going to unprofessional.

Speaker 2 I was feeling great. And now I very acutely know that something has to come out of my ass.
Is your homemade calamari?

Speaker 2 I've been undercooking stuff thinking like, well, I eat sushi anyway. Right.

Speaker 2 But I don't think that that's the correct mind. I like my chicken pink.
Not chicken. Chicken I don't fuck with like that in that sense.
I like my chicken extra pink. I like my penis.
Getting some.

Speaker 2 Buy a computer.

Speaker 2 The new iMac, you can shove it directly in your ass.

Speaker 2 This is cool. Check this out.
You can laugh, dance, sing, fuck the computer. Fuck the computer.

Speaker 2 You're watching Family Feud. I'm your new host, Jeff Goldblum.

Speaker 2 And what do we have here? The Faggot family.

Speaker 2 Our name is Stevenson.

Speaker 2 Please stop calling. Don't be calling me, son, man.

Speaker 2 I don't give a shit, man. I know it's your show, but call me the Faggot family one more time, and we're going to have problems.
I don't care, you boys, Will Smith.

Speaker 2 I just watched a great episode of Family Few, the best fan I've ever seen on it. I don't remember their last name, but who's the host? It was Steve.

Speaker 2 It was a modern one. But the family, they had the top two guys were named Rod Vis and Spezio.

Speaker 2 And this family was all, they were just like, fucking, they rocked it. All right, final round.

Speaker 2 We got the Miller family versus Jeff Goldblum, a returning champion. Go to Jeff.
Name something you can do on the computer.

Speaker 2 You can shove it in your ass.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Good God.

Speaker 2 Let's see it.

Speaker 2 Wrong again, Jeff.

Speaker 2 Somehow, still the champion.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do? Pack it up on the back end.

Speaker 2 I'll just wait till the triple scores. Yeah, I'll wait until they blow it

Speaker 2 until Aunt Demiqua blows it, and then it'll go back to me and I'll steal the round.

Speaker 2 You can shove it up your ass, you can put it on your ass.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll tell you what you can do with the computer, Steve. You can suck on it like a car.

Speaker 2 Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.

Speaker 2 Keep playing with me.

Speaker 2 Keep playing with me, and you're going to find out.

Speaker 2 Jeff Goldblum.

Speaker 2 I would love to see Steve Harvey fight Jeff Goldlum because he keeps saying gay shit to him. You got to stop it with this gay shit.
He keeps saying weird gay shit.

Speaker 2 Name something people think about when they think about Jesus. Oh, God, no.

Speaker 2 Lord, no, don't make me ask, Jeff Ogle.

Speaker 2 Jeff's already smiling.

Speaker 2 Stevie, I believe it's my go. I believe it's my go.

Speaker 2 All right, Jeff.

Speaker 2 They think about shoving him in the rats.

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 I can't do it.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say it. I'm not even going going to look at the board.

Speaker 2 You have to say it. That's the job.

Speaker 2 That's why they hire you, Steve. That's your job.

Speaker 2 You have to repeat what I said.

Speaker 2 Do people think about shoving Jesus in their ass?

Speaker 2 It was a good guess.

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to Jeff Goldblin.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Family Peter's bullshit, though.
You only win $20,000 per game, and there's five of you. Damn.
The fuck? $4,000 per year.

Speaker 2 After taxes, it's not. All right, Jeff, walk to the podium.

Speaker 2 My pleasure. And he comes out from behind the bleach, and his pants are completely around around his ankles he's just nude put your fucking pants up

Speaker 2 i'm sorry

Speaker 2 i didn't i didn't notice i didn't realize i was behind the podium

Speaker 2 i didn't know my penis was out

Speaker 2 oh fuck

Speaker 2 goddamn where's some classic gold bloom flicks

Speaker 2 uh jurassic park

Speaker 2 You got how'd he get famous? What were Jaws?

Speaker 2 No, he wasn't in Jaws.

Speaker 2 I think we're gonna need a bigger anus.

Speaker 2 I think we're gonna

Speaker 2 go out to the ocean.

Speaker 2 We're gonna try

Speaker 2 going to put the shark.

Speaker 2 We're gonna try shoving the shark into my ass.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Bambarji era. And this is hide things in Jeff Goldblum's ass.

Speaker 2 This is off-road put things in Jeff Goldblum's ass.

Speaker 2 We got Henry Rollins driving a Humvee

Speaker 2 while we shove things into Jeff Goldblum's ass.

Speaker 2 It's the original iMac. This is what I made all the CKY videos on.

Speaker 2 Henry Rollins just drives the Jeep directly into his ass.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 shout out to Bam.

Speaker 2 What are you going to eat after this is over, Nick?

Speaker 2 Probably a little peanut butter jelly sandwich. Respect.
Oh, I love that. Oh, who let one fly? Was that you at a moment? That's not me.

Speaker 2 That's disgusting. That's disgusting, dude.
Nick, that's awful. It smells like a cat.
It really does. It smells like a cat.
It's a cat smoking tobacco.

Speaker 2 I ate a bunch of bad broccoli yesterday you ate bad broccoli yeah it was slimy but i figured if i cooked it it would be fine oh brutal that's awful man that smells really bad that's really fucking yeah oh my god it had a second round lingering the linger right now

Speaker 2 did you have to

Speaker 2 damn Did you have to

Speaker 2 prevent

Speaker 2 you moving the rear view mirror of my car, Adam? I didn't move it, dude. Yeah, you did.
My foot hit it accidentally. Your foot? Yeah, he has to relax.
You're one of those guys.

Speaker 2 He gets in my car and just starts kicking the dash. Like a girl, you put your feet up.
Yeah. I like to relax, baby.

Speaker 2 It's a fucking 30-minute ride, man. It was less.
Nick drove so fast on the BQE today. Actually, if there's no traffic, you can get away with that.
Nick was doing fucking Gran Torino on the BQE today.

Speaker 2 Gran Torino. Or Gran Turismo.
No, I was doing Gran Torino. He was doing both.

Speaker 2 He was saying Asian slurs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's up, Dragon Lady?

Speaker 2 What are you spooks up to?

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, old man. Shut up, pussy.
Shut up, you're gay. Shut up, you fucking pussy.

Speaker 2 That movie's so funny. I want to rewatch.
Yeah. I ain't never seen Tim.
The supercut of every slur that he says in that movie on YouTube is hilarious.

Speaker 2 As if that guy wouldn't just get the fuck beaten out of him immediately. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's an old man. Is it in a world where, yeah, we're like some Detroit gangbanger is going to be like, hold up.
That's an old old man. We have to respect.

Speaker 2 Got to respect our eldest. Even though in real life, those two would be 11-year-old boys that are 6'3

Speaker 2 and both own fully automatic AK-47s. He would literally just get.
I'm finna kill somebody because it's funny.

Speaker 2 Let's kill this old man so we can laugh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, oh, yeah. He gets caught immediately.
Of course. Yeah, he would get straight-up one-punch knockout.
Oh, he would get knockout gamed for sure. Knockout game.

Speaker 2 We've got to bring that back. Yeah, and then he would just be, the video of it would just be retweeted endlessly by Sunglass Ab, you guys.

Speaker 2 These are the people that you say we shouldn't genocide.

Speaker 2 This is who all of them

Speaker 2 are

Speaker 2 basically orphan gangs

Speaker 2 and child soldiers. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. Damn, dude.
I'm just thinking about that fart now. I can't even smell it anymore.
No, you got to let it go, man. You got to let go and let God.
I feel like I tasted it. Yeah.
Yeah. It was bad.

Speaker 2 That's probably earlier. I got a little carried away taking out the garbage and I shoved it all up my ass.

Speaker 2 That's kind of what it smells like.

Speaker 2 Jeff, are you okay? Sorry, I walked past a litter box and I couldn't help but shove all the cat shit up my ass.

Speaker 2 And then pretend I'm a kidney cat.

Speaker 2 That pisses off the cats. It shows dominance.
A lot of people don't know how to show dominance to a cat. You've got to take its shit and shove it in your ass.

Speaker 2 Show the cat who's boss.

Speaker 2 All right, folks. Well, if you want shirts, check out Come.town.
And we got some new fall sweatshirts coming soon. Yes, go to stabby.biz.
The Can I see your penis design?

Speaker 2 It's no longer available because I did receive a cease and desist from Scott Stapp. Did you?

Speaker 2 How the fuck is that possible? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Wait, Creed hit you up? Creed was like, what an honor. Yeah.
You actually got a cease and desist?

Speaker 2 Like, just an email or a real letter? Oh, so. I would keep selling them.
You think so? Yeah, I would see what happens.

Speaker 2 What could happen? Something bad to me? I mean,

Speaker 2 you get sued and then you go to court, but then they would have to like, I mean, what are they going to sue you for? Fucking $100?

Speaker 2 Can you only...

Speaker 2 What do you get sued for? Whatever you make off the shirts? Damages, I guess.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess that's true. I also don't see...

Speaker 2 I don't see a way where they win that case either. It's parity, right? I mean, that's up to a judge, I guess, to decide.
Yeah, well, I will argue that can I see your penis? I mean,

Speaker 2 they would embarrass themselves going to court to explain that a shirt has creed kind of penis

Speaker 2 as a fucking five people bots

Speaker 2 as a member of the american bar association i'll take that court i'll take that case it would be fun that's the thing it would be funny yeah we got to keep this going dude

Speaker 2 honestly it would be fun and if we started a little rivalry between the show and scott stapp from creed that would just be perfect that's yeah we need new enemies you know what if it was fake what if it wasn't real it might have been what if it's one of those goddamn trolls?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's from a fucking Yahoo account. It could have been a troll.
I didn't see actually because it was just my t-shirt guy sent it to me. Eric Jewishman,

Speaker 2 a lawyer at large.

Speaker 2 Anyway, no, apparently, who you need to look out for is Jack Daniels.

Speaker 2 I've been told from my, now that I'm a member of the t-shirt community,

Speaker 2 yeah, they're apparently very litigious. Really?

Speaker 2 But anytime you go on vacation, you get like a, it says like Atlantic

Speaker 2 Boardwalk shit.

Speaker 2 Nobody's going around checking that shit. They're not online.
Right. But apparently, yeah, like every band that tries to do like a Jack Daniels-inspired thing is immediately fucking shut down.

Speaker 2 What a fucking loser.

Speaker 2 You have to check Jack Daniels for an asshole. All right, bye, guys.
All right, later.